0:05

Welcome to the Manifestation Lab . This

0:07

is your host , kelly Howe . From

0:09

the grounded science to the mystical

0:12

and unseen , we're investigating this

0:14

big experiment we call life and finding

0:16

what really works when it comes to manifesting

0:18

a life that sets your heart and your soul on

0:21

fire . Welcome to the lab

0:23

. Alright

0:27

, friends , can you feel it ? We

0:30

are in a major

0:32

transformative time right now . I

0:35

know we see it all over the place in our external

0:37

world , but this is going on internally for every

0:39

single one of us . We have

0:41

recently had the planet Pluto , which

0:44

is the planet of death

0:46

and rebirth , move into the sign of Aquarius

0:48

. Now , this has been happening since last

0:50

year some would argue even a little bit before that

0:52

but it's really going to settle

0:54

into Aquarius by the end

0:56

of the year and it's going to stick around there for

0:59

the next 20 years . Now

1:01

what does this mean ? I , as somebody

1:03

who I love astrology I'm

1:06

certainly not an astrology expert , but

1:08

I have gone deeper and deeper into

1:10

my knowledge of what's

1:12

going on in the sky and I'm

1:14

really fascinated by this , because Pluto

1:16

is truly in pursuit of truth and power and

1:19

excavating anything that blocks the truth

1:21

. I keep hearing people in astrologers

1:23

refer to Pluto as sort of this wrecking

1:25

ball that comes in and

1:27

breaks down old and busted systems

1:29

. Now this wrecking ball has

1:32

moved into the sign of Aquarius , and Aquarius

1:34

is really focused on people

1:37

. It's focused on the collective , the higher perspective

1:39

, on humanitarianism . It's

1:41

all about freedom and individuality

1:44

and giving the space for each of us , as

1:46

individuals , to be who we came here to be , but

1:48

to do it in a way that is really for the highest good

1:50

of the collective . It's really super

1:53

exciting for those of us that do deep transformational

1:56

work . It's like this time period

1:58

is what we do . This is going

2:00

to be showing up on the inside and the outside , whether

2:02

you know it or not . So what this

2:04

looks like is breaking out of the box , shifting

2:07

stories , changing beliefs about

2:09

what's possible , challenging status quo , rethinking

2:11

paradigms , reimagining what the truth actually

2:14

is . What is the

2:16

truth ? Going deeper , breaking

2:18

apart and dissecting the

2:20

things that we thought were functional and

2:23

getting rid of the pieces and parts that

2:25

don't work and putting it back together in a whole new

2:27

way . It's a really , really exciting time , but

2:29

I have to tell you , we're all feeling this internally

2:31

, and here's what this looks like . It's

2:33

like , whether you know it or not , we're

2:35

all taking a really deep look

2:37

at our life and the way we do things

2:39

and there's kind of this awakening

2:42

of like I don't know if I can keep doing it in this

2:44

way . I need to

2:46

upgrade , I need to be more efficient , I need

2:48

to be more compassionate , I need to reach

2:50

more people , I need to shift

2:53

my system so that I can be more

2:55

loving with each of the people that I'm with Right

2:57

, and this either happening internally

3:00

, sort of on a more conscious

3:02

level , or the universe is doing this for you and

3:04

coming through and saying nope

3:06

, nope , nope , nope . This isn't going to work anymore

3:08

and it's sort of breaking that apart for you and

3:11

it's a little bit more of a rough transition

3:13

into this kind of energy . So I'm not

3:15

going to go deeper in this today . However

3:18

, it is the perfect transition into

3:20

my conversation today with Kelsey Edwards

3:22

. Kelsey is a singer , songwriter , actress

3:24

, mental health advocate just

3:26

a super old soul . We have a great time talking

3:29

about these moments that we're talking about right now , these

3:31

life shifting moments where you wake up and you see the world

3:33

and you see yourself in a new way and you

3:35

can't go back to life because you knew it . I

3:37

always kind of get this vision of Rachel

3:40

and friends right and she's like , oh

3:42

, I can't not look at it . It's

3:45

like I can't not see it . I can't not see

3:47

the way that the world is broken , the way that my

3:49

systems internally are broken , the way that I talk

3:51

to myself , the way that I do things Like it's just

3:54

not working anymore . So we

3:56

have to acknowledge that and stop denying

3:58

it and give it some care and some love

4:00

and some compassion and then brush

4:03

away the things that aren't working . This is happening

4:05

all over the world and

4:07

people are saying that this shift is

4:09

really going to break down some of these systems that

4:11

maybe worked for a while but aren't working

4:13

for us anymore on a global scale . So

4:17

our conversation really isn't about astrology

4:20

at all , but I just really wanted to bring that in , because

4:22

we do talk about transformation and what it's

4:24

like to back away

4:26

from family paradigms , religious

4:29

paradigms , beliefs

4:31

that we've held our entire life that are absolutely

4:34

not true . It is , it can be shocking

4:36

and it can be

4:38

a lot and

4:40

it takes an incredible amount of courage , and

4:43

this young lady has recently left the Mormon

4:45

church and her story is

4:47

so inspiring . She is

4:49

just

4:51

really wise beyond her years . You

4:54

can catch her on her new comedy TV

4:56

series underdeveloped on 2BTV

4:58

or Amazon Prime , and

5:01

she also has an online course called squad goals . I'll drop

5:03

links to all this stuff in the show notes , so

5:05

you'll just want to check it out there . But

5:07

to kick off our conversation , kelsey also

5:09

released a song last year called life

5:11

in a box , and I'm kind of

5:13

obsessed with it , so I wanted to play a little bit for you

5:16

and then we'll segue right into our conversation . So

5:18

it's great to be back with you guys . I know I mentioned

5:20

in my last episode that I was really

5:22

focusing on being more consistent and have

5:25

seriously failed that this

5:27

Pluto in Aquarius is really really , really

5:29

shaking my life in all the ways that I mentioned

5:32

before , but I also had

5:34

this clarity after I made that comment . It's

5:36

like I think that as much

5:38

as I want to dedicate

5:40

my time to the podcast and be here with

5:42

you , I also look at these

5:44

like a work of art , and

5:46

sometimes you just can't rush art . It's like I want

5:49

to be like the other podcasters and I want to pump

5:51

out one or two episodes a week and I

5:54

it feels like that's kind of a way that

5:56

I'm shoulding myself right , like I should

5:58

be doing this and I should be doing that , and

6:01

so I still set the goal to be more consistent

6:03

. But I just am feeling again like things

6:06

are shifting and transitioning

6:08

and I don't know what that looks like for the future . Other

6:10

than , I'm really considering

6:13

this energetic communication

6:15

with you , like I said , like a work of art

6:17

and I'm putting less pressure

6:19

on myself to be

6:22

consistent because I think that each episode is

6:24

truly special and I want

6:26

to honor that and continue to bring

6:28

you that kind of vibe and

6:31

that kind of energy . So , all right , enjoy

6:33

this song . You all are going to love this and I'll catch you in

6:35

the conversation , thank

7:14

you . I Want

7:56

to start with saying I know you are a dedicated

7:58

manifestor and I want to congratulate you on your most

8:00

recent show , under

8:02

underdeveloped , is that right ? Yeah , thank you

8:04

, I'm so exciting . And then I also

8:06

wanted to bring up , because I didn't want to forget , your

8:09

latest song , life

8:11

in a box . Have to look . Life in a box . Oh my

8:13

god , that is so beautiful , kelsey . I

8:15

just I listened to it and I tear

8:18

up and I think so many people that

8:20

have kind of taken that a

8:22

challenging and complicated path of

8:24

really stepping outside of what

8:26

our Original belief system

8:28

is is is not always easy , and

8:30

I think so many of us can relate to that

8:32

, like being stuffed in a box and beat the discomfort

8:35

there . So thank you for that . It's beautiful

8:37

.

8:37

Oh well , thank you for like taking the time to listen to

8:39

my song . That really means a lot . And thank

8:41

you for , yeah , checking it out .

8:43

So I really absolutely , I'm

8:45

a music person . I it

8:48

moves me so deeply so I was happy to

8:50

pop on and I now have you subscribed

8:52

on my Spotify channel and I

8:57

gotta make sure I'm subscribed to the podcast as well

8:59

.

8:59

I want to . I want to follow support , yeah

9:02

, absolutely .

9:03

Yeah . So I want to start with . You

9:06

know you mentioned that you had

9:08

left the Mormon church recently and I don't want to make the whole conversation

9:10

about that , but I do like our listeners

9:12

to Well

9:14

. In fact , I could probably talk to you for hours about

9:16

that because I know there's so many layers there , but

9:19

but I do like our listeners to know where you've been and

9:21

when

9:23

you've you know the fires you've been forged in

9:25

. So maybe you could start with just talking about your childhood

9:29

and your upbringing in the Mormon church and kind of what that looked like , and

9:31

you

9:33

know if we can get to it like what was it that sparked you to be like

9:35

I gotta get out of here , this isn't resonant anymore . Yeah .

9:39

Yeah , I can definitely talk about that . So you

9:41

want me to start talking about that and then just

9:43

kind of see where we go from there ? Yeah , absolutely , I'm

9:45

gonna turn my monitor up , just to here because

9:47

I can't hear you very well .

9:48

There we go . Yeah , so I mean wherever

9:51

feels organic for you to say , like

9:53

you know , this is where my life Well

9:57

, I guess you know this is where I'm gonna go

9:59

. I guess you know this is what my

10:01

childhood looked like in the Mormon church . And

10:04

you know , particularly because I know you're a mental

10:06

health advocate and you're as passionate

10:08

I am about you know , normalizing

10:11

stress , anxiety , other

10:13

mental health conditions right , and just like

10:15

putting it out there , let's talk about it . So I

10:17

guess , how did the Mormon church and the belief

10:19

systems lead to a lifetime

10:22

of working with anxiety and things like that ?

10:24

Yeah , so I was . I was born and raised in San Antonio

10:27

and I

10:29

grew up in the Mormon church , even

10:32

Christ of Latter-day Saints , and my

10:34

two brothers and older brother and brother

10:36

and right in the middle and the only girl , and

10:38

yeah , we , we

10:41

actually were homeschooled to which it's

10:44

like bring up in Texas is one thing , but growing

10:46

up and being homeschooled it's like a completely different

10:48

ballgame . I kind

10:50

of I feel like I grew up in somewhat of like a little echo

10:53

chamber Bubble that , like

10:55

often , my beliefs were like reflected back

10:57

to me not only in the home but church , with

11:00

homeschooling as well . So , yeah

11:03

, it's , it's . It was an interesting experience

11:06

to be in like such a place where the

11:08

only place my beliefs were challenged were a

11:10

few of my friends outside of my

11:12

homeschool group , and they didn't have many friends outside of

11:14

my group , but I had a few , and

11:17

also I was a child actor , so

11:19

we would like Film sets

11:21

and you know , go , grow up , going to auditions

11:24

, grow up in theaters , grow up and all these things

11:26

. So we we have a very interesting

11:28

childhood just in the way that Not

11:31

only were we homeschooled but we also really traveling all

11:33

over the country like filming movies and

11:35

doing like plays and stuff like that . So

11:37

it was really fun that I think like being homeschooled

11:39

cons I definitely think

11:41

there's it . For me it was perfect . It

11:43

gave me a lot of freedom . It also was really

11:46

challenging for me To not

11:48

have like a really set structure , I

11:50

think , but like I was behind in my school in and

11:52

I often and I realized that now as an adult

11:55

that I but

11:59

just looking back on my childhood and being like that's

12:03

why that was so hard for me , because I was

12:05

this and this and this thing . So , anyway

12:07

, that's kind of like a brief summary of my childhood

12:10

in Texas , just like being a

12:12

child actor and being home schooled .

12:15

But not necessarily the

12:17

most normal .

12:18

quote unquote normal no , it's really not . Yeah

12:23

, my brother's not got really close to that Like

12:25

we're really close friends and yeah

12:29

, I love my family . I'm grateful for the way that we

12:31

grew up .

12:33

Yeah . So how does it ? How did it

12:35

? You know , growing up with not necessarily

12:38

a quote , unquote normal structure you know I hate using

12:40

that word , but certainly very different

12:42

from like a day-to-day life

12:44

that my kids lead . So

12:47

how did that lack of structure

12:49

eventually lead to , and like

12:51

, being a child actress and going to auditions

12:53

and things start to lead towards anxiety

12:55

and , you know , in combination

12:58

with the pressures of being

13:00

in the Mormon church and the schedule

13:02

that you kept ?

13:03

Yeah , well , I think

13:06

as an adult I have really anxiety

13:08

is a very normal part of my life and I've

13:10

had better coping skills . Now

13:12

I've better like tools

13:14

and things like that that I know how to use now

13:16

, but as a teenager and as a kid I didn't quite understand

13:19

, I think

13:21

. I think one of my biggest sources

13:23

of anxiety as a kid was always feeling like

13:25

I was behind , like I was like

13:28

cool or like I wasn't

13:30

, as , yeah , I had a scheduler , I wasn't learning

13:32

my things or I wasn't smart enough or whatever . I

13:34

was always so worried about that and

13:36

always felt really anxious about that . And then

13:38

also I was a very

13:41

devout member of the LDS church , of the

13:43

Mormon church , and I was very faithful

13:45

, very righteous , like they call it

13:47

, a Molly Mormon in the church , which is basically

13:49

just like someone who follows all of

13:51

the rules to a T , like doesn't break

13:53

any rules . Like you know , I was so

13:56

worried about being perfect . That was like one

13:58

of my main goals was like how can I just be the

14:00

most righteous , the most converted , the most perfect

14:02

, you know , kid , possible , daughter

14:05

of God , all of these things ? So

14:07

my anxiety ate up like very intensely

14:09

in a few ways as a kid

14:11

, not only education standpoint , but also from

14:13

my faith

14:16

, wanting to be this

14:18

perfect girl all the time , and I was always

14:20

so anxious about that . And then also , yes

14:22

, I'm in the film industry , so like there's a lot of anxiety

14:24

there too , and like competition , and they

14:27

get the part like am I good enough ? Am I too

14:29

heavy ? Am I ? You know ? I look

14:31

right , like did I ? You know

14:33

you get so invested in a role that you want a

14:35

book and you may or may not get it , or whatever . And

14:37

then you're like , so there

14:40

was a lot of anxiety that played inside

14:42

, and also familial anxiety

14:44

as well . Like my family , my

14:46

dad and my mom , like their marriage was not good

14:49

as a kid and I was aware of that

14:51

, you know my dad ended up leaving

14:53

when I was 14 , 15

14:55

, I was 15 when he left , and

14:57

you know that was like my

15:00

family as well , and just like we had

15:02

nothing . You know my dad left , we didn't have money

15:04

and we didn't have anything . So

15:06

, like you know , my teenagers and my kids were like very

15:08

raw for a number of different

15:11

ways or in a number of different

15:13

ways , and I I don't

15:15

know I'm obviously

15:17

like it's interesting to make those patterns now , because

15:19

, of course , not really the same things as

15:21

an adult , but like it's still there . So

15:24

I've had to , like

15:26

you , know how to cope with it now .

15:28

Definitely . I mean everything that you talked about

15:30

already and we have just barely scratched the surface

15:33

is , you know , a lot for

15:35

a kid to take in and to take on

15:37

. I mean just the film industry all by

15:39

itself , with body image issues and

15:41

the idea of doing auditions

15:44

and not getting the part . I can't imagine

15:46

that kind of rejection and how

15:48

that would have felt as a young person

15:50

. But

15:53

what I really wanted to kind

15:55

of look at is this idea of

15:57

, like I just wanted to be good , right , like

15:59

I wanted to be a good person and I

16:02

wanted to be the perfect person

16:05

. You know , you know religious I

16:08

don't even know what you would say Just like . It's

16:11

almost like you had yourself on such a high standard , like

16:13

up on a pedestal . And so

16:15

is that ? Was that

16:17

related to ? Like , I want to be good so that

16:19

I can be righteous and go

16:21

to heaven ? Is that , is that the the story

16:23

behind that ? And it's like , if I make any mistake

16:25

, maybe I won't make it there .

16:27

Yeah , that's kind of the idea . You know , and and

16:29

I also try to always clarify like the way

16:31

that I perceive a certain teaching or

16:33

doctrine as a child doesn't necessarily mean

16:35

that like that's what the church teaches . You know

16:37

, like I take my own responsibility for

16:39

my perceptions of teachings , but

16:41

as a kid with anxiety , with ADHD

16:44

, with this like heavy like sense

16:46

of , like perfectionism , I

16:48

was taught that you

16:50

know you do want to be the

16:52

most faithful , like disciple of Christ , the

16:54

best daughter of God that you can be , to honor

16:56

him , be a good person , so that

16:58

you can return to live with him again someday

17:01

and be in the call , and

17:03

it's like that's called the celestial kingdom for this

17:05

church , and so you want to be in the celestial kingdom

17:07

with your family and with God , with my father , and

17:10

it's like there was just such an intensity

17:12

for me about being righteous

17:14

and being a good person and like , at the

17:16

end of the day , you know , at the end of my life , I could

17:18

look back and be proud about everything I did and be able

17:20

to live with him again and I just they

17:23

call it a scriptuosity which is almost like

17:25

it's like a form of religious OCD

17:27

which , looking back at my behaviors

17:29

and my tendencies . I definitely had scriptuosity

17:32

. I was very anal about like the

17:34

way that I was studying my scriptures and like I

17:36

had to do it every single day and I never missed a day and

17:38

I would pray , like you know , two times a day and I would

17:40

fall asleep while I'm praying . And we would

17:42

have in seminary , which is like church

17:44

school for kids , for teenagers

17:46

, rather , you wake up and you go and you

17:48

like memorize scriptures and you're learning about

17:50

the scriptures , whatever . And

17:52

they had this thing called scripture mastery , where you memorize

17:55

like 25 scriptures every year and

17:57

I was like obsessed with doing that perfectly . I had

17:59

to memorize every single one . I never missed any . I

18:01

was like a hundred percent on my chart and

18:04

everybody always knew . Like Kelsey is the scripture mastery

18:06

queen . Like we don't even , you know , we don't even try

18:08

. There was just something for

18:10

me about being a high achiever

18:13

, being perfect , being righteous

18:15

, that I just like that's the only

18:17

thing I cared about you know , and I do think it

18:19

was motivated by like life after this , and

18:22

I also think it was motivated just by whatever

18:24

I don't know OCD

18:27

things in my brain that say I have to be a hundred percent

18:29

. You know Okay .

18:30

Right , and so does that high achieving , you

18:33

know inner drive show up in your life . Still

18:35

In other areas .

18:37

It does for sure . Like you know , I'd be lying

18:39

if I said I'm not a fellow high achiever . I sure am

18:41

. But I also have so much more grace

18:43

with myself and so much more forgiveness

18:45

and so much more recognition of the fact that I'm a human

18:47

and I can only do the best that I can do . But

18:50

you know , I don't hold myself to these insanely

18:52

high standards . I have like

18:54

a really high sense of self-discipline as

18:56

a teenager too , and that is good

18:59

. But it also led to , like my eating disorder

19:02

, which was super intense and really

19:04

scary , and it led to , like you know , these

19:06

perfectionist tendencies and like this

19:08

obsession with certain things and I don't I've

19:10

let go of that now as an adult

19:12

, which I'm really , really grateful for Like I

19:14

can be a high achiever without having to be a high

19:16

perfectionist , you know , and that's very free

19:19

for me .

19:20

So , yeah

19:22

, definitely , that's huge . I mean , you

19:25

talk about it in such a mature way and you can tell that

19:27

you've done a lot of healing work around it because you can just

19:29

speak about it so easily and freely

19:32

. And I'm

19:34

just it's interesting . I like to look

19:36

at this kind of religious spiritualism

19:38

. That doesn't necessarily have

19:41

to be in the religious sense , but I see this

19:43

in the spiritual community as well , where it's like I

19:45

just want to be good . You know , I don't want to have

19:47

any bad thoughts , I don't want to have these human

19:49

emotions , these darker you know emotions

19:52

, because I don't want to

19:54

manifest the wrong thing . It's like it's like you can see people

19:56

get really wound up , even outside of religion

19:59

, in that spiritual perfectionism . But

20:01

I want to go back to something that you mentioned about

20:03

your eating disorder that you were working

20:06

with . I actually heard this . I listened

20:08

to a short clip of a different podcast you did , and I just

20:10

happened to hear this part where you mentioned something

20:12

called orthorexia and

20:15

I wasn't familiar with that term . But I want to talk

20:17

about that because I think that there are a lot of people

20:19

out there that are probably walking a tight line

20:21

with that and don't realize

20:23

that they are .

20:24

Yeah , well , orthorexia is tricky because

20:27

it's almost like praised in

20:29

our you know , I don't

20:31

know day to day life . It's praised in the media

20:33

. It's praised in the health and wellness industry

20:35

. Orthorexia is like an obsession

20:37

with clean eating , healthy eating

20:40

, non processed foods

20:42

, you know things that don't have preservative whatever

20:44

. And that's my transition

20:46

. As much as I don't like

20:48

orthorexia , I will say that it

20:50

saved me in some ways because I

20:52

went from not eating hardly at all to

20:55

at least eating food and like figuring out a way

20:57

that food wasn't going to hurt me . You know , it

20:59

helped me change my relationship with food

21:01

and then it also got really bad . So it's

21:03

like it's kind of like this way weird like gray

21:06

area with food and

21:08

dieting and stuff like that . And

21:10

yeah , when I was orthorexic , I

21:12

was obsessed with the book called clean eating . I

21:15

can't remember who authorize , but it's literally just called clean

21:17

eating and it's like the whole idea behind eating

21:19

every three hours . You have like complex

21:21

carbs , proteins and fats every single meal

21:23

and in order you have to eat every three hours to

21:25

do metabolism going . And like I

21:27

was a teenager I was like 16 years I

21:30

think I was 17 at this point when I was obsessed with

21:32

this . I had a food vlog . I was like writing

21:34

all my recipes and all my meals . I would literally

21:36

carry cooler around with

21:38

me like wherever I went . Like people

21:40

just knew like healthy was the girl with the cooler who like

21:42

carried her food around in a cooler because

21:44

I was so obsessed with eating every three hours on

21:47

the clock and then I wouldn't

21:49

eat preservatives , I wouldn't eat fried things , I

21:51

wouldn't eat processed things . Like you couldn't have

21:53

paid me to do it . One time my brother wanted

21:55

to give me this french fry in and out and I

21:57

just was like up all , I would not touch

21:59

the french fry . I was just like , oh my gosh

22:01

. I'll never forget that story . It's just like one

22:03

of the most significant moments when

22:05

I look back and I'm like geez , like I had a

22:08

problem . I had a problem

22:10

.

22:10

Yeah , right , and it's tricky because it is

22:13

healthier than not eating right and you're

22:15

more of a like functional human if you

22:17

can eat . But I think probably

22:19

there's a lot of people and I know

22:21

that I have walked the eating disorder

22:23

line pretty hard , you know , in my especially

22:25

like early college years , and

22:28

a lot of that I think had to do with a

22:30

lot of unhealed trauma . Of course now

22:33

I can look back and recognize that there was . I was

22:35

very stressed out and had like no awareness

22:37

of it . But

22:39

I think also , I was raised in an era

22:41

where it was like , if you want to lose weight

22:43

, you don't eat fat like that doesn't even

22:47

make sense . now , right , it was like eat sugar free crackers

22:49

and sugar free cookies and you won't gain

22:51

weight . So , like , all of us were eating these like fat

22:53

free crackers and gaining

22:56

weight . And I was a collegiate dancer , so

22:58

you know again a lot

23:00

of pressure to have a certain body shape and size

23:02

and things like that . But I

23:04

also transitioned into , at

23:06

several different times in my life , very , very clean

23:09

eating , you know , watching every calorie , counting every

23:11

calorie . And

23:13

I never I had never heard that term , but when I

23:15

heard it and you started to describe it , I was like

23:17

wow . I think so many

23:19

of us walk that line and the

23:21

thing I've learned now is that , at

23:23

least for me , eating like that was very stressful

23:25

for me and so , while it

23:27

was good and a lot of ways to eat clean

23:30

and not put those toxins in my

23:32

body , it created a lot of anxiety for me

23:34

and a lot of feeling like a failure

23:36

if I because I don't have the kind of dedication-

23:39

that you do ? I don't , I

23:41

don't have that . I'm easily swayed

23:43

. If someone wants to give me a French fry , I'm like okay , but then I'm

23:45

going to beat myself up . Right , lady , not

23:48

not anymore , but you know . In

23:50

that stage , so what I would say is it just

23:53

created so much anxiety . And what I recognize

23:55

now is that , of course , the stress

23:57

and anxiety around food is

24:00

probably just as unhealthy , if not

24:02

more unhealthy , than eating the

24:05

toxic food . Right , like , if you're going to eat

24:07

some French fries but you're going to , like , send

24:09

gratitude and love to it and your body

24:11

and you know I just be with it

24:14

. It's a totally different experience

24:16

energetically and I think our

24:18

bodies metabolize things better from that space

24:20

. So just wanted to take a minute to

24:22

kind of land on that before we transition

24:24

into talking

24:27

about manifestation , because I know that

24:29

you have some fun manifestation tricks

24:31

and I would like to start there

24:33

. So you know what are your . You talked about

24:35

subliminals in my state Right . Yes

24:38

, so tell me a little bit about that and kind of

24:40

how you , how you came across those and how

24:42

you use them .

24:42

Yeah , so I first . I

24:44

first started the I would say , my real

24:47

manifestation journey started in 2019

24:49

. I started learning about like , oh

24:52

, I can change the way I think , like I can

24:54

change the way that I , you know the energy

24:56

that I'm putting out . What is energy , you know ? Because

24:59

, coming from such a intense religious

25:01

background , I was not caught anything

25:03

like that . I was not taught that I had any control

25:06

in any sort of scenario , circumstance

25:08

or whatever . It's always like turning your

25:10

will over to God , giving your will to have a father . What does

25:12

he father plan for me ? What does God want for

25:14

me ? Like , it's always somebody else's

25:17

wants and somebody above you , somebody

25:19

outside of you , and so the idea

25:21

that I could have any sort of role

25:23

in creating a life that

25:25

I wanted really started in 2019

25:28

for me , and I was like listening to some YouTube videos

25:30

on the drive set for a movie that I booked

25:32

, and that was the first time I ever , like

25:34

started experimenting with like energy

25:36

of like , oh , like could I , if I put

25:39

out this particular energy , well , this person

25:41

that I am like want to come

25:43

over to talk to me , kind of a thing . Like can I attract

25:45

a certain type of person by the energy that I'm putting out

25:47

. So that's like things I started experimenting

25:49

with . And then , when I moved to LA , I

25:52

is kind of where the subliminal journey

25:54

came in , because I was working

25:56

on changing my relationship with money . I

25:59

did not come for money , my

26:01

parents never had money growing up and then

26:03

when my dad left , we had even less money . So

26:06

we like run government assistance and

26:08

food stamps and you know , my

26:11

mom got like scholarships and tell grants

26:13

. I went to college on Pell grants , like complete government

26:15

funding for everything , because we had

26:17

I need to . Yeah , yeah , okay , you understand

26:19

exactly , we had no money , you know

26:22

. So I ended up getting fellowships , to which I was really

26:24

grateful for . But you know all that to say

26:26

, I did not come from a place of financial abundance

26:28

and moving to a place like Los

26:31

Angeles , I've always been really good at saving my money and

26:33

I've always had opportunities to make money my whole life

26:35

because I was a child actor . So I do

26:37

recognize that privilege . Like I started making

26:39

money at five years old , you know , and I'm grateful for that

26:41

. But , yeah , I

26:43

started learning like , okay , if

26:45

I clearly like your

26:47

money story is not set in stone , it doesn't have

26:50

to be . It's just , you know , we create

26:52

our beliefs , we create our reality and

26:54

we , you know , just save you things over

26:56

and over . We know to expect . Based on our previous

26:58

experiences , you know all these things you already

27:00

know . But I was , it was all new for me and

27:03

I was like , okay , well , I want to change my

27:05

story with money . I want to change my situation

27:07

with money . Like I am not destined

27:09

to have XY and Z income , like I

27:11

am destined to , I could

27:13

be a millionaire if I want . I can make figures

27:15

if I want , whatever . And I realized that

27:18

that was kind of the start of like I need to change

27:20

these subliminal beliefs that I have about money , which

27:22

is that there's never enough or someone else has to take

27:24

care of me , or blah , blah , blah , whatever it may be . So

27:27

I found subliminals on YouTube and I just started

27:29

listening to them and I would listen to

27:31

them every night as I slept and they

27:34

were always financial , like always money , reprogramming

27:36

. And I still do this . I still listen to subliminals

27:38

every single night . A lot of times they're money , but other

27:40

times they're other things , like confidence or whatever

27:42

. And the idea

27:44

with a subliminal is just that it's a

27:47

, it's like at a low frequency

27:49

or certain frequencies I don't know exactly what the frequency

27:51

is but it's like , basically you can't

27:53

hear it or understand it consciously , but your

27:55

subconscious mind takes in these

27:58

affirmations that are playing while you're sleeping and

28:00

your mind is the most susceptible

28:02

to these reprogrammed beliefs while you're

28:04

sleeping and you're getting these subconscious

28:06

reprogramming things you know playing

28:08

in your brain for eight hours while you sleep .

28:11

Interesting , so if you listen

28:14

to it you can't actually hear the message like the

28:16

words .

28:16

Sometimes it can . It depends Like . I just go on YouTube

28:18

and I find whatever one's resonating with me that day

28:20

and some of them are high enough and like audible

28:23

enough that I can hear the affirmations as well

28:25

. But other ones I listen to they're tough , within

28:27

a certain frequency in the mix that I can't actually

28:29

audibly hear it , but your subconscious hears

28:31

it .

28:33

Oh , that's interesting . Do you know if they use the

28:35

binaural beats ? Are you familiar with that

28:37

? Yeah , and so there's that rhythm in the

28:40

background and I think there's something with those

28:42

frequencies that kind of play off each other that

28:44

help get into that deep subconscious space . And

28:46

so you started doing that and did you start noticing

28:48

things shifting ? Oh , yeah , yeah for sure .

28:51

I mean , that was my whole relationship with money changed

28:53

at that time . I came out

28:55

into LA having money

28:57

in my savings and building a certain

29:00

type of business that was working on . I was trying

29:02

to do ad funnels for companies . It was like building

29:05

a funnel for them and then whatever . So I was trying to

29:07

run an ad agency doing that and

29:10

I was like , okay , I'm manifesting money , I'm creating more money in

29:12

my life and all of these things . And then another

29:14

opportunity came into my life to join a live

29:16

streaming app that I started doing and

29:19

it was crazy . Like within one month

29:21

of that live streaming app , I

29:23

made more money that month than I had ever

29:26

made in a month before . Wow

29:29

, yeah . And at the time it was not

29:32

it's less than my standards

29:35

are now or whatever . I think I made maybe $4,500

29:38

that month , but even so , I

29:40

was like that was huge for

29:42

me , going from making

29:44

like , oh , maybe $1,000 to $1,000

29:46

a month in Utah , just whatever kind of working

29:48

for myself maybe $3,000 if I got lucky and

29:51

then in a month I made $4,500

29:53

with just doing very minimal work . I was

29:55

like , oh , there's something

29:58

here , this is definitely livable income , I

30:00

can live on this and

30:02

then it just kind of went from there and I

30:04

was able to grow that business to a different income

30:08

level and I was able to grow my

30:11

other businesses that I run as well

30:13

to different places . And so that , honestly

30:15

, that journey was the start of me realizing like

30:18

, oh , I can make six

30:20

figures , I can make enough

30:22

money to live , I

30:25

can make a million dollars , I can make whatever

30:27

I want to make . And , yeah

30:30

, that was really , yeah , a powerful

30:32

change in my understanding of money

30:34

at that time .

30:35

Yeah , oh my gosh , definitely . And the way that

30:38

that shifted so quickly for you and you saw the evidence

30:40

of it right away . I had experiences

30:42

like that when I first started manifesting also . It

30:44

was like , I mean , it was like a

30:46

switch flipped where all of a sudden it

30:48

was like right there and

30:50

I'm like how could I have been missing this

30:52

my whole life ? Where is this been Right ? And

30:55

the reason I'm so curious because the more I did my manifesting work

30:58

and I would say as I continue

31:00

to do my manifesting work it's like there's some things that

31:02

I manifest very , very easily and

31:05

there's not a lot of resistance built

31:07

into me and I can shift beliefs around certain

31:09

things very easily . And then there's other things where

31:12

I have very stubborn beliefs and , for

31:14

whatever reason , I have shifted

31:16

my financial belief systems so

31:19

much , but I still . It's like I

31:21

feel like that's part of my life's work . This time around

31:23

is working through the layers

31:25

of that . And I think I don't know if you believe

31:27

in past lives and that kind of thing or ancestral

31:30

trauma , but like I really believe that

31:32

I've had so many and I've actually been

31:34

told this by past life psychics that I've had so many

31:36

lifetimes of hardship . It's like

31:38

my soul remembers and

31:40

there's a piece of you right that always kind of is

31:43

in touch with that , that history

31:45

in your soul . So anyway , what I'm saying

31:47

with that is that there are certain aspects

31:49

where it's like I feel so much resistance

31:51

, where I work

31:54

on certain beliefs and it feels like I'm starting

31:56

to shift them , and then it's like I'm just

31:58

right back there . So if you come across anything like that

32:00

where you're like dang it , why is that one so stubborn ? 100%

32:03

.

32:03

Yeah , like you said , it's an ongoing thing

32:05

. And like money for me , even though my belief

32:07

systems and my story with money has changed exponentially

32:10

, it is still something I have to work on every

32:12

day , right , like I have to still remind myself

32:15

like you're taking care of your fine , you

32:17

always have enough . Like money , as long as me , it's

32:19

still . Yeah , money is like an ongoing

32:21

story because it's a relationship . One

32:25

of my favorite manifestation

32:27

personalities is Catherine Zanquina

32:29

on manifestation , but I don't give a listen to her

32:31

.

32:32

Oh , I haven't thought yeah .

32:34

Well , her perspective about money and like is that it's it

32:36

is a relationship and like , if you

32:38

let go of doing the work of

32:40

any sort of relationship like it

32:42

, it's like your boyfriend or your partner

32:45

or your husband or your girlfriend or whatever it might be , like

32:47

they're not going to want to be your partner anymore . And

32:49

so money for me is one of those words like ongoing

32:51

. But besides that , um , yeah , I'm

32:54

trying to think I feel like there's so many that pop up from

32:57

time to time just worth worthiness

32:59

, I think , like a big one . For me is like worthiness

33:01

of love or like worthiness of a partnership

33:03

. You know , like I've been single for a long

33:06

time and then also

33:08

sometimes I have to recognize like , oh , is

33:10

there a subconscious belief in there that I'm not worthy of

33:12

like a partnership or I'm not worthy of love ? You know

33:14

what I mean and that's like something I have to like . Oh

33:16

, okay , let's look at that . What's that about

33:18

? Or , um , you

33:20

know , my , my friendships throughout

33:22

my life have been a challenging

33:25

part of my life , but also a very fulfilling

33:27

part of my life , which is why I have

33:29

an online course now about all about friendships , which

33:31

we'll talk about later , but that's

33:33

also a belief system I have to check too

33:35

is like am I worthy of friends

33:38

that like , see me , love me , support me and

33:40

get me ? Um , or you know

33:42

why am ? Why am I attracting

33:44

certain types of people into my life ? You know

33:46

, is that a subconscious belief about me and what I

33:48

actually deserve ? Like , yeah

33:50

, there's many of those

33:52

.

33:52

Yeah , Absolutely

33:55

yeah . So let's talk about your course really quickly

33:57

and then we'll kind of keep going . But , um , your

34:00

course is all about helping people learn

34:02

how to let go of friendships right and

34:04

recognize when they're not resident .

34:05

Yeah , yeah , and

34:07

also like knowing who you are enough to be able to attract the right

34:09

type of friendship . So it's on both sides because

34:12

I felt like , yeah , I felt like you

34:14

have to be able to find and keep the friends

34:16

. You got to know the maintenance skills and then you also

34:18

have to know , like you just said , when it's not

34:20

, it's not fit anymore and you have to say goodbye

34:22

, yeah , and it's hard

34:25

.

34:26

I mean , I know that you're known as kind of like

34:28

the internet , big sis , and you put a lot

34:30

of like really great advice out there for

34:32

teenagers who might be struggling

34:34

. And , um , I know , as a teenager

34:37

I had those same belief systems . I

34:39

didn't , of course , wasn't aware of it yet , but I had

34:41

several friendships where I felt like , um

34:44

, well , let's just , I

34:46

mean I don't want to say emotionally abusive , but but

34:48

a little bit right , I had . I had some really great

34:50

friends and I have some wonderful friends that I still have

34:53

, right From like high school Um

34:55

, but there was other ones where um , but there was other ones where

34:57

um , but there they sort of

34:59

mirrored things that were happening at

35:01

home also . And so

35:04

of course you kind of start to recognize

35:06

. When you get older you're like , oh wow , I felt like

35:08

this with my mom or my dad or my stepdad

35:10

and look at that , it's showing up

35:12

in this relationship , right . So

35:14

I just I love that you are coaching people

35:17

on that and helping to figure out how to shift

35:19

the energy behind that and call in the

35:21

right kind of person and say I am worthy I am worthy

35:23

of people to show up and love and support me and

35:25

really allowing

35:27

people to get curious about what could I manifest

35:30

in a friend or a partner , right

35:32

, like manifesting money is so fun , but like when

35:34

you start manifesting people Totally , ah

35:36

, that is when it's like the whole world

35:38

changes right . Or

35:41

even like I love it when

35:43

I get really specific and clear on my

35:46

own relationship , where I've been married to my husband

35:48

for 20 years . He's amazing and we have a

35:50

really great marriage , but sometimes we get glitchy right

35:52

and it's always fun

35:54

to like go back inside and go how

35:56

can I shift my own vibration and

35:58

my own emotional state and you

36:01

know , and start to manifest a different story . And

36:03

it's really , really fun when suddenly

36:05

it's like and things lock back into place

36:07

and you start seeing what you want to because you've

36:09

shifted your own filter and when your energy is

36:11

different , the other person shows up different . Everything

36:14

is different .

36:15

Oh no , that's so cool , like what you just said

36:17

. There's like so much goodness and that I was like , oh yeah

36:19

, I love that , I love that Like oh

36:22

, thank you . And it's true because I think people

36:24

don't often realize this that we

36:27

, what you said about your

36:29

family relationships and the way that that was showing

36:31

up in your friendships and in your relationships

36:33

is so real , because it's

36:35

like you're raised with a certain environment

36:38

and a certain culture and a certain way of being treated and

36:40

you don't know anything else other than to try

36:42

and attract that exactly you know back

36:44

. So everything is just a mirror and

36:46

, like , our internal or external world is

36:49

a mirror of our internal world , and so

36:51

when all I know is like being

36:53

left , being abandoned , being forgotten

36:55

, being , you know , mistreated or whatever

36:57

it might be , that's what I'm starting to

36:59

attract back , because that's what I think I'm

37:01

worthy of . And so I had the same experience

37:04

as you . I kept attracting friends that

37:06

would just leave me and I'm like , oh

37:08

, I was left . My dad left me

37:10

. Like I have a pattern of feeling abandoned

37:12

and left and I'm seeing

37:14

that in my external world now , you know , and

37:17

that also created some unhealthy codependency

37:20

behaviors in me where

37:22

I was so afraid of being left . I

37:24

had like an anxious attachment in my

37:26

relationship to friendships , you know , like please

37:29

don't leave me . Please don't leave me . Like you know , you're

37:31

my best friend , whatever and I was like there was codependency

37:33

and that took me growing up and looking

37:36

back to realize in my friendships like , oh , I wasn't

37:38

, I wasn't coming from a secure place when

37:40

I approached this friendship , you know . And

37:43

so squad goals , my course is a lot about what

37:45

you just said to you , which is like looking at

37:47

your patterns , looking at your relationships , healing

37:49

codependency , healing avoidance

37:52

, healing these things that like cause us to interact

37:54

in our friendships and our relationships in a certain way

37:56

, without us even realizing it , and

37:59

like changing our beliefs about ourselves so

38:01

that we can attract the exact type of

38:03

friends that we want that mirror what

38:06

we believe about ourselves and mirror like how we feel

38:08

about ourselves . So , yeah , thank you for like that

38:10

, because that was exactly how I felt .

38:12

Oh , no , that's beautiful . It's beautiful . And

38:15

I actually had a similar situation

38:18

where my dad moved away when

38:21

I was very young , like before I could even remember

38:23

. So I think he moved

38:25

, you know , of course we're in Missouri , he moved to

38:27

Florida when I was like three or four and

38:30

so I don't have , I didn't have conscious

38:32

memories of that abandonment . So

38:35

that was a really interesting thing . Going back to that

38:37

, like people left me , right , I , I

38:40

had that same experience showing up where , like

38:42

, people would abruptly just leave and

38:44

I couldn't figure out and it would be very painful and

38:47

it took a long time , even as an adult

38:49

, even doing the work that I do , to dig

38:51

into . Like , wow , I have some sort

38:53

of implicit memory here of that abandonment

38:56

. It's in there and so energetically

38:58

it was still right , like playing out

39:00

in my life , so interesting . You

39:03

just , you mentioned the abandonment part of it and I , I share

39:05

that part of it as well , that that was a big piece of

39:07

it . And then , and then recognizing

39:09

not everybody's going to do that and

39:11

I right , I am worthy of the time

39:13

and attention and support and

39:15

consistency yeah , right , and love

39:17

, of course , love , right .

39:18

That big piece of it , of course . Well

39:21

, and then the other thing too like along with that , since we both share the abandonment boomed

39:24

. I feel like one of the things I've

39:26

had to learn , too , is that not

39:28

everyone's going to do that to me , but also some

39:30

people might do that to me , and that's okay

39:32

, it's like it doesn't surprise

39:34

me it doesn't change my value

39:37

, it doesn't change who I am or what I'm worthy

39:39

of , and like being able to detach

39:41

yourself from that , you know , is

39:43

like a huge game changer for me

39:45

too . And recognizing that people are allowed to

39:47

play out their own stories , people are allowed to make their

39:49

own decisions and I it has no

39:51

impact or like affecting me

39:54

or who I am . You know what I mean and that's thank

39:56

you .

39:56

Oh my gosh , yeah , absolutely , that's

39:58

huge , that's . I'm so glad you said that

40:00

because you're right , as

40:02

young people , we internalize everything

40:05

and it's all about us , right ? If

40:07

that person acts this way , I must have done

40:09

something . It's me , I'm flawed , you know

40:11

, I broke that relationship . Me , me , me , me

40:13

me . And so , oh

40:15

, that's beautiful . I'm so glad you said that .

40:17

Yeah , thanks , so so glad , so much in common

40:19

, so much to talk about . Hello

40:22

, right , I know .

40:24

So I do want to back up a little bit because I realized I skipped a really

40:26

big , important part of this . And what was

40:28

? What was the wake up call ? For you , like

40:30

you're , you're this very devout , you

40:32

know , religious , doing

40:35

everything , perfectly , doing all the right things

40:37

and then like , what was the

40:39

like ? Whoa , this is not

40:41

, this is not what I believe anymore

40:43

and I can't stay here . What was that moment

40:46

? Yeah , that's just . Or moments , I

40:48

guess .

40:48

Yeah it's definitely like multiple moments , because

40:50

I because I was raised in this church

40:52

, from a childhood I mean , I was

40:55

a baby , you know in this church these

40:57

beliefs were programmed into me and and

41:00

these you know vocabulary

41:02

and terminologies and things about ways

41:04

to view the world were in my

41:06

subconscious , in my , you know brain , before even

41:09

he knew it . So , all that to say

41:11

, it took a long time to program a deep

41:13

program from it , but my first

41:15

questions started happening in 2013

41:19

or 2014 . So I served a mission for

41:21

the LDS church , which is like I don't know if

41:23

you've ever seen the boys on the bikes and the white

41:25

shirts . You know they go away for two years

41:27

, but girls do it for a year and a half . And so

41:30

I went away for a year and a half to serve

41:32

a mission and preach the gospel and teach

41:34

other people about the church and baptize

41:37

them and stuff like that in Alabama

41:39

.

41:39

And how old are you ? How old are you in that

41:41

19 or ?

41:42

yeah , 19 . Yeah

41:44

, the boys are 18 when they go and the

41:46

girls are 19 . So

41:48

, yeah , so I went to Alabama . You don't get the

41:50

shoes where you go , your signs and by

41:52

revelation . And

41:55

I it's funny because I grew up in the Bible

41:57

belt , like I grew up in Texas I am not a stranger

41:59

to other religions or other belief systems

42:02

. However , like I mentioned , I also

42:04

wasn't an echo chamber . I had a few friends that challenged

42:06

my beliefs as a child in Texas . But being

42:09

in Alabama as a missionary , like

42:11

on the forefront of like talking

42:14

to every religion , every pastor , jehovah's

42:16

Witness , church of Christ , like

42:19

even we saw some Scientologists like different

42:21

, so many different religions Catholic

42:23

, baptist , christian , non-denominational , whatever and

42:26

I'm having talks to all of them and answer

42:28

all of their questions and all of their interpretations

42:30

of the Bible . And

42:32

I , and also the , the LDS church , believes in

42:34

the Book of Mormon , which is the second book of scripture , and

42:36

they don't like that . And

42:38

so I'm , like , you know , trying to like

42:41

I don't know , I feel like I was at war . I'm

42:43

like , I'm like all these questions .

42:44

I bet yeah , yeah .

42:46

And people would ask me questions that most of them I

42:48

have the answers to , but every now and then I

42:50

would be like you got me on that one . I don't

42:52

know , I'm not really sure . You know , I don't know , I'm

42:54

not really sure you know , one of

42:56

the core teachings of the church is that families can be

42:58

together forever and you get married and seat

43:00

or sealed in their temple so that you

43:02

can be with your family in the next life . And

43:05

I was teaching somebody that and

43:07

she was like that's crazy , Like I would not

43:09

think God would ever want me to not be

43:11

with my family in the next life , so why do I

43:13

need your little temple thing ? And I was

43:15

like no-transcript . You got

43:17

me Like I don't know , I don't know , right

43:20

, that's a good point . Yeah , if

43:22

there is a God like , why would he ever want the families

43:25

to not be together , and you

43:27

know . So that was like a question I had and then

43:29

more questions that are were you like wait

43:31

a minute .

43:32

How could I , how could I not have thought of that

43:34

?

43:35

I had never thought of it that way before

43:37

, because again these things are put into my brain like

43:39

so young , it's like this is just the way it is

43:41

, you know , um , yeah

43:43

, so many questions , so many things that weren't resonating

43:46

with me and like people who are

43:48

being healed with just prayers and faith

43:50

. And yet I was taught that the power of God

43:52

and priesthood is the only way for God

43:54

to work through people

43:56

on earth , and that's like just a

43:58

power that is within a church . So there

44:00

were things that were not matching up for me in my experiences

44:02

that I was very confused , um

44:05

, but I was very devout , so I stayed . I didn't

44:07

I asked you know people for help and whatever . I

44:10

didn't really dive down the rabbit hole

44:12

too deeply . And then

44:14

I just kind of had those questions like kind

44:16

of growing under the surface and I went

44:19

on a backpacking trip after I got home from my mission

44:21

. Like four years later , I went on a backpacking

44:23

trip to Europe in 2017 . I

44:25

went with a friend of mine . I was already

44:27

at a place in my faith where I was kind of like I

44:29

don't know about any of this , I'm not really

44:31

sure that this is matching my

44:34

worldview anymore , and when

44:36

I , you've been kind of cracked yeah , that's

44:38

exactly , yeah , exactly Like not too revealed

44:40

yet , but like there's definitely a crack . And

44:43

when I was in Europe , I just that was my

44:45

real first time out of the country besides a

44:47

cruise to Mexico , which doesn't I don't know , but really counts

44:49

but I , you know , I was like I was

44:51

exploring the world by myself , with

44:54

a friend , but without my family , without parents , without

44:56

, you know , a group or anything

44:58

like that . I was seeing these parts of

45:00

the world that I'd never seen before . I had so much freedom

45:03

, so much space , no schedule , no one to control

45:05

me , no one to tell me where to be , what to do , and

45:07

I was one of the first times in my life that I

45:09

felt freedom and

45:12

like I would get like a little emotional thinking about it

45:14

, because it just like it

45:16

, just it just changed my whole perspective

45:19

of everything and being like I

45:21

don't . I see people

45:24

happy here , and yet I've been taught that

45:26

the only way to have true joy is to

45:28

be a faithful member of this church . I

45:30

see people happy with their family , loving

45:32

life , getting great things , having great

45:34

things happen for them , and yet the church

45:37

teaches that in order to have the

45:39

truth , joy and the happiest family and

45:41

have all the blessings you have to be a devout

45:43

member of this church , keeping the commandments , honoring your

45:45

covenants , all these things . So there was

45:48

a lot of things that were not matching up for me

45:50

. I also felt very

45:52

strongly that , like I don't want to ever work a nine

45:54

to five job here , like I don't know that I want

45:56

to be a mom , I don't know that I wanted to go home

45:58

and get married and you know , all these things

46:00

that I thought was my path in life which

46:02

is , by the way , a beautiful path , and I think

46:04

there's so much , you know , power and strength in

46:07

that I just didn't really ever feel

46:09

like I had any other option . I think that that

46:11

was my problem . Like I felt like my

46:13

expectation was like come home from your

46:15

mission , get married , have kids , that's it .

46:18

Like you weren't given a choice .

46:20

No .

46:20

Right , that feels very different .

46:22

Exactly . I wasn't encouraged to have a career

46:24

, I wasn't encouraged to pursue my dreams , I

46:26

wasn't encouraged to do any of these things or build a business

46:28

or whatever . I was encouraged to be

46:30

a mom and to have kids and to stay

46:32

at home . Why , which is again such

46:34

a beautiful path ? But it's also something

46:36

that I wanted to be able to choose and not just

46:39

feel like that was the expectation , you know . So

46:43

when I was in Europe , I just had all of these

46:45

awakenings where I was like I don't know if I ever

46:47

want to work a 95 job again . I don't know if I want to be

46:49

a mom . I don't want to get married . I don't know if I want

46:51

to , I don't know if I want to do this , you know , and

46:54

everything just like was like first open

46:57

and I was like , oh no , like what

46:59

have I done with my life

47:01

?

47:01

Oh , existential crisis , Seriously that yeah

47:03

.

47:05

I was a BYU at the time , which is the church's private

47:07

university . I had one semester , one semester

47:10

, one year left . I think I had one year left in school

47:12

at that point I was studying public relations

47:14

and like business and stuff like that . Not to ever

47:16

get it , Not to ever have a business , but just to

47:19

work in PR and no marketing . Because

47:22

my plan was like , oh yeah , maybe I'll go work for a year

47:24

and then I'll get married and then I won't . You know , and

47:27

it was . It was there that I started to realize I

47:29

think I've set myself up for a life that

47:31

I don't want and that's

47:34

really scary , and that's really scary

47:36

.

47:37

Terrifying , yeah , terrifying

47:39

yeah . How many months did you say you were

47:41

gone ? It was five weeks . So just

47:43

over a month Weeks . Okay , five weeks , yeah

47:45

, just enough time to get

47:48

away and experience all that , all that freedom

47:50

. And you know the way I see that is

47:52

when we feel that kind of freedom

47:54

, whether we know it or not , we are closer

47:56

to the divine right Like we , we

47:58

are like more of a channel , and so

48:01

all of that insight

48:03

is so easily accessible . It's like

48:05

, oh wait , I want more of this feeling and

48:07

I can see the truth of my life because I'm

48:09

in a higher vibration , I'm like in

48:12

a higher perspective , right ? So it's

48:14

, it's a really beautiful story , and so I

48:16

can imagine you went back to life and couldn't

48:18

just like unsee

48:21

the world Exactly the way he would just see

48:23

it .

48:23

I couldn't unsee that .

48:24

That's exactly what you said Take it back .

48:26

I felt , like you know , I felt like I had almost like woken up from a

48:28

spell . That's how I felt . Like I had

48:30

just been living on autopilot of like fulfilling

48:33

everybody else's expectations of me doing

48:35

what everybody else thought I should be doing , checking

48:38

all the boxes that I thought I was supposed to be checking

48:40

. And then , after I had that experience

48:42

, it was just like I

48:44

yeah , I can't , I can't do anything else , I

48:47

can't . I woke up from a spell and like I can't get back

48:49

in it . And you know

48:51

my worldview of the church teams . I started to

48:53

realize that the beliefs I had been taught and were

48:55

believing were not matching my

48:57

worldview of anything anymore . Like I

49:00

had friends that were coming out as gay and

49:02

they're not allowed to be gay and fully

49:04

participate in the church . That did not

49:06

resonate with me . I was like , well , that doesn't make sense

49:08

, I don't like that , I don't like this , I don't like

49:10

that , I don't like this , I don't want to do this , you know

49:12

. And so my beliefs just started crumbling

49:15

over time . So that was in 2017 , but even

49:17

I didn't even officially leave until two years

49:19

later , in 2019 . So

49:22

you know , just to give a perspective

49:24

, like my first questions started happening

49:26

in 2013 and they

49:28

did not fully walk away until 2019

49:30

. There's like a six year time period where

49:33

you know you're just like . I

49:35

have to say you know , push it down , don't ask

49:37

questions . Yeah

49:40

, so that should really change everything . I

49:42

decided to pursue my dreams of like

49:44

acting , filmmaking , entrepreneurship , music

49:46

. I decided to leave

49:48

the church . I decided that after I graduated

49:51

college , I would not be getting a nine to five like all

49:53

of my friends . You

49:55

know , I decided to take a lot of risks that

49:57

that time of my life , but I

50:00

would never do anything different . I'm

50:02

so grateful for that time

50:04

because I just I would not be the

50:06

same person had I not gone on

50:09

that trip .

50:09

So , yeah , yeah

50:12

, you seem like a very old soul and

50:14

so nice . I think that , well

50:17

, I just it's like the

50:19

. I

50:22

think that old souls wake up earlier

50:24

. It's like there's a pressure inside

50:27

and then , so I'm not surprised that , at such

50:29

a young age , you were like I

50:31

can't live like this , I can't do it . Talk

50:35

to me a little bit about the risk taking right , and

50:37

the courage that it took , though , to go to your family

50:39

and say

50:41

I can't do this , this

50:43

isn't me anymore . How did they respond to that ?

50:46

Yeah , that's a tough one and it still

50:48

is . I have so much love for my

50:50

mom . Both of my brothers have also left

50:52

the church , which is funny because we

50:54

didn't know at the same time that we were all going

50:57

through this dismantling process . Oh

51:00

, interesting , yeah , very , very interesting

51:02

that at some point one of us can't I don't even remember

51:04

how it happened but one of us kind of mentioned like hey

51:06

, I'm stepping away , and the other one was like

51:09

me too , and the other one was like me

51:11

too . Well , like we didn't really share with

51:13

each other that we were kind of going through this . There's

51:15

this fear of judgment that like someone

51:17

will not understand , especially me . I mean , I

51:19

know my brothers didn't want to tell me because I was

51:22

so devout . Nobody wanted to tell me . It's

51:26

like , you know , I was super judgmental as a kid

51:29

and stuff like that . So I don't blame them . But anyway

51:32

, having to have that conversation with like the closest

51:34

people in my life has been really difficult , because

51:36

there's such

51:38

a morality attached to it , there's such a

51:41

like a depth of the belief system

51:43

of eternal life attached to it . And

51:46

my mom , bless her heart

51:48

, is out of our core family . She's

51:50

remarried now and her husband is also a very devout

51:52

member of the church and he's an amazing man . But

51:55

of our core family she's the only person

51:57

that's still in the church and I know that that's been

51:59

difficult for her , but she also has

52:01

worked so hard to

52:03

, you know , change

52:05

her , I don't

52:08

know , change her reactions . Maybe I know she still believes

52:10

the same way , but the way that she's able to love

52:12

us and like , accept us and hear

52:15

about you know , whatever's going on in my life

52:17

, it's not related to the church . Like really

52:19

means a lot and I it

52:22

took a lot of different conversations to get to this point

52:24

. There's been a lot of tears , there's been a lot of like pain

52:27

and having to share with her like my

52:30

belief system has changed was not been easy . But I

52:34

released a song and called

52:36

Life in a Box and I

52:38

shared it with her and I she

52:40

had already known , she already knew that I was out of the church

52:42

at this point . Like this was the first time that I had been

52:45

like , so vulnerable

52:47

in like lyrics and songs and everything

52:49

just like , sharing how I felt , and I have a video

52:51

of it on my social media and that is genuinely

52:53

the first time I ever showed my mom that

52:56

song and I was so scared

52:58

. I was so scared . I was like , oh my gosh , I

53:00

know she's gonna love me and she always will , but

53:02

like just the lyrics and the

53:04

vulnerability and the you know the phrasing

53:06

and like what is she gonna say to this ? But

53:09

she was so , so lovely about it and

53:11

so kind and so accepting and I

53:14

hope that every person

53:16

that has left a religion I hope eventually

53:18

that their parents can get to that point , cause I know

53:20

that not everyone has that experience . That

53:22

was a lot of the comments on my videos , like wow , you're

53:24

so lucky . Like my parents are this

53:26

, my mom's like this or whatever , and I'm

53:29

so grateful to have a mom that has really worked hard

53:31

to love and understand . She's also a therapist

53:33

, which I think gives her a lot of space

53:36

, you know , to

53:38

hold that , to deal with clients that have left

53:40

, you know , the church or whatever all the time . So

53:42

I think that helps too . But yeah

53:45

, it's been a journey , they believe .

53:47

I'm sure . I'm sure a courageous journey

53:49

. I know that's not easy . I mean , anybody

53:52

who is looking to break the mold of

53:54

family patterns let's you know , even

53:56

outside of religion it is not easy

53:58

you know , but that work

54:01

is , I truly

54:03

believe , like your healing and your courage

54:05

is healing your ancestors

54:08

, it's healing your whole family , it's

54:10

healing that family tree . It's healing global

54:12

consciousness , you know , and so

54:14

I appreciate you being willing

54:17

to talk about it and , you

54:19

know , showing up and then creating courses

54:21

to help people move through their stuff

54:23

. It's just , it's like the

54:25

wounded healers . We have to just create

54:28

and share the love and help

54:31

keep shifting things right , and it is beautiful

54:33

that your mom's been able to walk with

54:35

you at least you know as best as

54:37

she can , because I know so many people just

54:39

like . It completely severs the family , so

54:41

that's really , really good . It's

54:44

good that she's able to do that . I knew

54:46

this wasn't going to be long enough . Like

54:48

even when we started , I was like , oh

54:50

, I need more time . I need more time , kelsey

54:53

. This has been really , really fun and

54:56

your life has so many layers

54:58

and so much depth and I really could sit

55:00

and chat with you for hours .

55:01

I'm sure .

55:03

Why don't you let people know how they can find you

55:05

if they're curious about your course ? I just

55:07

want to follow you on socials anything . Yeah , of course

55:09

.

55:10

Thank you . So my Instagram

55:12

and TikTok is at Kelsey

55:14

Marie Edwards K-E-L-S-E-Y

55:17

and , like a double E , kelsey Marie Edwards

55:19

. Youtube is Kelsey Edwards . But , honestly

55:21

, if you're trying to find me on social media , if you search Kelsey

55:23

Edwards , you're probably going to find me somewhere in the

55:25

mix on the internet . Pretty , yeah

55:28

. And then my course is

55:30

it's called Squad Goals and the

55:32

URL is just horseskelseyedwardsco

55:35

. And again , it's

55:37

all about how helping teen girls find and keep better

55:40

friends and let go of friends , and

55:42

I will say this that

55:44

I'm marketing it to teen girls , but it's really

55:46

. I intentionally left the information

55:48

broad enough . Younger girls can benefit

55:51

, girls in college can benefit . I can

55:53

still benefit from it as an adult woman . You

55:55

know what I mean . Like , the teachings

55:57

are yeah , it's universal , and so , while

55:59

the marketing may be like , this is for girls

56:01

, whatever , it's for anyone , and so it's

56:03

also very affordable and

56:06

it's a program I put a lot of time and

56:08

love into and I hope

56:10

that it will help and make a difference in

56:13

some of the life . So thank you

56:15

.

56:16

Thank you so much I want to ask you one thing before we

56:18

go , because I thought this was so cute Talk

56:20

to me about your abundance alerts

56:22

that go off in your phone .

56:23

Oh yeah , I was like

56:25

I have to bring that up . I have it set every day

56:28

. I have one at 11 am . It went off just

56:30

barely , like before we started and

56:32

then I've one at 3 pm and

56:34

I'm really working on , like we talked about , like the

56:36

money story . Always

56:38

it's a constant thing for me . So I'm working on attracting

56:40

more money from my business and the one of my alerts

56:43

is I'm millionaire and I put like little

56:45

emojis around it . And then the other one

56:47

at 3 pm is the passive

56:49

income is like flowing to me in large

56:51

sources , you know , at all times through many channels

56:54

or one of those things . So I put

56:56

those on my phone and then I

56:58

switch them out every now and then too , like whatever is the thing

57:00

, but it's just a , you know , especially

57:02

when you're caught scrolling or whatever , you're distracted

57:05

, it's nice to have that little pop up reminder Like

57:07

oh yeah , refocus my energy , you

57:09

know , and like where am I at right now ? I love it

57:11

.

57:12

I love it . I think that is so brilliant

57:15

and so simple and such a great way to

57:17

kind of like bring you back in the zone and

57:19

be like where is my focus , where

57:21

is my energy right now . So smart

57:23

, I just I think it's great . Thank you so much for

57:25

being with me , kelsey , and hopefully

57:28

we can do this again sometime , please , I would love to come back .

57:30

I feel like I want to know more about your journey in top

57:32

four , so we'll . I would love that I'll

57:41

see you

57:43

guys next

57:46

time .