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That's amazon.com/Comedy Ad Free,

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and catch up on

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the latest episodes without

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the ads. Hi, I'm

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Paul F. Tompkins. And I'm Nicole Parker.

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On this podcast, we improvise in character

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using real posts from a popular neighborhood

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networking website. Occasionally, we change the names

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of some streets. And that's all you

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for Maximus membership. And now, please enjoy

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this episode of The Neighborhood Listen.

0:51

Knock, knock. Who's

0:54

there? Your neighbor. Good.

0:57

In Dignity Falls, you're

0:59

never alone. You've got the

1:01

neighbor half-app and us. Burn.

1:04

And Jote. From coyotes to

1:06

male staff to weird things

1:08

to sell. We'll cover it

1:10

all. And meet new neighbors

1:12

as well. We'll chat about

1:14

any posts you're missing. So

1:16

just tune in to The

1:18

Neighborhood Listen. Welcome

1:21

once more. Are we rolling that? Yeah.

1:25

Welcome once more to The Neighborhood Listen, the

1:27

podcast that explores the neighborhood of Dignity Falls.

1:29

I am one of your hosts. My name

1:31

is Burnt Miepeide. I am

1:33

the pharmacist in chief at the

1:36

Dignity Falls Museum. This is

1:38

official. He used to be at CVS

1:40

all these years. And now, here he

1:42

is. Head, head. Sorry. What was your

1:44

title again? Pharmacist in chief. I

1:46

thought so. Okay. Congratulations.

1:50

Thank you very much. It's a brand new. They

1:52

gave you a new, they gave you not even

1:54

a coat. You wear a robe, but you're wearing

1:56

it because you just came straight from work.

1:59

Yes. I have a ceremonial robe that I

2:01

wear. It is gorgeous. It's

2:05

gold braided. Thank you. Yes,

2:10

it's real velvet and ermine and it

2:12

is gold braided. It

2:16

really makes an impression on people when they walk in.

2:18

I imagine. They're like, oh,

2:20

there's the chief right there. There's the

2:22

farmer. Some people are

2:25

addressing me like your honor, your

2:27

highness. I'm just burnt. I

2:30

notice you have a lot of rings on your hands now. People

2:32

keep giving you. There's

2:38

people that have been bringing

2:40

me exotic spices. Folks,

2:44

this is not necessary. It's

2:46

just my work uniform. You

2:52

don't need to be doing this. You

2:54

are a splendid. I just think

2:56

it really is. It

2:58

does make you think that you have to bow or

3:01

something. Not necessary. I'm

3:04

still just a guy filling out prescriptions

3:07

and deciphering doctors and

3:09

screwable handwriting. The

3:12

robe doesn't help with that. The

3:14

robe does not help with that, Joan. Why?

3:18

Is it just because they're in a hurry? I'm

3:20

Joan, by the way. Joan

3:22

is the top realtor here in Dignity

3:24

Falls. I got no robes. Why

3:28

don't you get one? You are the

3:30

top realtor. Sure. Why

3:34

not? Maybe this

3:36

is going to be a thing. Robes for the

3:38

new year. Why not? Let's

3:42

just cover ourselves in robes. I

3:44

would love to see that you on a bus stop bench ad in a

3:46

robe. What color would you go with? I would

3:48

go with a burgundy. Oh,

3:50

yes, absolutely. What

3:52

material do you think? I think just

3:55

a basic velvet. I don't need

3:57

anything. Would you incorporate exotic feathers

3:59

in the car? I

4:01

didn't even think about that. It's escrow

4:03

barking. Babe, how's he doing?

4:05

He's okay. He's

4:08

so old and I don't

4:10

know if we've talked about all of his medical

4:12

issues here. Well, how old is he? He's

4:14

42 years old? He is correct. He's 42

4:16

years old. He's blind. He's

4:20

got some other issues. He has several

4:22

STDs, which

4:25

was shocking. I've

4:27

never heard of that in a dog before. I

4:30

know koalas can get chlamydia, of course. Of

4:33

course. But

4:35

it was just, yeah. That's what you say.

4:37

Several. So, and like you

4:40

can just tell he doesn't feel good about it. Like

4:42

it's almost like he knows, you know. He's a little bit

4:44

ashamed. I don't want him to have that, you know.

4:46

We grew up in the 80s and 90s when they

4:48

were, they really hammer at home

4:50

about STDs. It's so true. Yeah.

4:53

I remember when McGruff went to the

4:56

doctor. My

5:01

grub, of course, the crime, crime dog. Yeah,

5:05

the crime fighting dog. And I remember

5:07

he was talking to the

5:09

kids saying, kids, you know, don't

5:12

do crimes. And then

5:14

he said, ah. And then

5:16

he crushed, he clutched his groin. And

5:20

then the commercial abruptly cut to him in a

5:22

doctor's office. And the doctor,

5:24

you know, handed him a pack of condoms. It

5:27

was very like almost World War II. I

5:29

don't think kids are ready for it. I'm not sure. I'm not thinking

5:31

it was right over their head. There was outrage.

5:33

And that's why that commercial aired first

5:36

here in Dignity Falls. It was

5:38

immediately yanked from the airways where anybody else saw it.

5:40

We were the testing ground for lots

5:42

of initial marketing campaigns

5:44

that did not work. We have our own time zone. We have

5:46

our own time zone. I think we've talked about that before. It's the rest

5:48

of the country. But. So

5:52

anyways, he is, I don't know where he

5:54

is. Okay, Doug is in

5:56

his workshop. I

6:00

dare you not written on his workshop know

6:02

recording us from the. North

6:06

Pole ad it said oh

6:08

yes, Transatlantic as know. Offenders

6:11

lox out as a. Drizzle of

6:14

yours film premium for three months.

6:16

We started this as a little while ago.

6:18

have you know even though the kids were

6:21

older I felt sad and that they weren't

6:23

really into the magic of Christmas anymore. so

6:25

one of our room supports us and we

6:27

should definitely have like are wrapping room he

6:29

now and my guess with that with toys

6:31

and ninja seen I came here. Like only

6:33

you side with a hamstring room. Oh,

6:35

is that right? So boys, Tori.

6:37

Spelling's Mommy and I guess I was of the rich

6:39

and famous. Remember that shows. That south. Still

6:43

Everly to so long as he's not.

6:45

This is so crazy I believe it

6:47

or use and now it's just. you

6:50

know those annoying real on Architectural Digest

6:52

on his own? Come in, This is

6:54

arm. Whenever we just it's

6:56

just look like this all the time. To

6:59

see them that rejoice Unlimited are

7:01

angry. The zebra flopping around wields

7:04

her perspective as apart does indeed.

7:06

Robin Leach to slap him around

7:08

his early yeah, oh, you're super

7:10

members. House Others reduces the. Precursor

7:15

a bar rest your you know a few

7:17

hundred and will not discuss. This

7:19

is despicable either your scope see what is

7:21

when. He was my with well of

7:23

them like you'll remember that area. I saw

7:25

a real Sir Philip Engwirda the wanna. See

7:28

some real perspective? You know it's like. The

7:31

so you're on the whole Nazis celebrities who

7:33

were to see now had someone else do

7:36

it but they act like they were part

7:38

of every little process and every little choice.

7:40

I just mugs i they are small I

7:43

obviously clearly a Sahara desert as up his

7:45

you hear me employers. Are you wanna mess

7:47

with this is all of horses were just

7:49

sword we are here so when his baggage

7:52

and it's a her is very confusing. For

7:54

outsiders and. So anyway, that's

7:56

where he is. Ah, but I think you're taking us.

7:58

Go up there with you. They get a fair.

8:01

Do have a Man is essentially decided down.

8:03

A master whereas growers. oh dear what,

8:06

I'm worried that the twist of them.

8:09

Play the twins still missing, so on

8:11

they're hauling. Probably will come on

8:13

now. Our lives

8:15

so far away now. Well,

8:18

as you know, we celebrate Halloween. We didn't

8:21

do anything similar. You'd we don't usually have

8:23

a moderate helmer. First out, this number. It's

8:25

just. So. The thing is this is on

8:27

the recording is so today I'm hoping we

8:29

might actually get some sign. Dot I so. Because

8:31

we officially now can celebrate Christmas which is

8:33

why he's in the workshop. And so it's it's

8:35

to room is gonna like a since his workshop was.

8:38

Like scientists were sub. It's not like gingerbread. You

8:40

know it's against. The thesis I've

8:43

always had slept. Christmas.

8:45

Is my lord might have already passed monica. Of

8:48

I will talk about about at all right among

8:51

other to as an appointment for Christmas or your

8:53

loss assistant I just want to keep it a

8:55

my heart. Floor

8:58

and word recently and on bit of tribunal not saying

9:00

what do you do? Of course you would know this,

9:02

would you do Newsies? Oh yeah of sorts of riddle

9:04

ports on. The.

9:06

The writer this on friend lesser I

9:08

believe so. Yes, Roka isn't else wrote has

9:10

the team business without really trying. To okay

9:13

sorry. Since.

9:15

The size of my favorites

9:18

he was. He was bothered

9:20

that it became a Christmas

9:22

season standard because the gag

9:24

was that a person's asking

9:27

like in June. And. Was

9:29

post be kind of funny? Really needed.

9:31

A Lyric Syndicate because they think I'm not paid attention

9:33

to them. And. Only vaguely were is it too early

9:36

and that was supposed to be through like will

9:38

courses to arrest or. Near the plane

9:40

and april. Psychotic know that he

9:42

added a house. We're. sorry

9:44

legal rights hundred with the hair from south a

9:47

hair that is a bit of a her for

9:49

your side of the songs was resources for the

9:51

of what the joker are predisposed to be a

9:53

little thing services were as early as the you

9:55

know what he the every plans for new years

9:57

and had so earlier me to me know I

10:00

thought it was just... See, Doug loves it. I

10:03

just thought it was the first booty call song that was ever written.

10:06

That's how I see it. Do you think

10:08

it takes place on New Year's Eve, that song? That's what

10:10

I thought! What? The

10:13

song that says, What are you doing with New

10:15

Year's Eve? Are

10:17

you picturing it like it's 12, 15? You

10:21

don't have anyone, I don't have anyone. Well, maybe in the morning, you know. It's like

10:23

the morning of the 31st. That's what I always thought. What are you

10:25

doing, New Year's Eve? You up? I got... Yes!

10:29

It made sense to me. So

10:33

I wonder what Frank Lester would

10:35

make of that interpretation. I know. Well,

10:37

I'm sorry he was such a grump about it. I would just be

10:39

happy to have hit songs. Geez. You'd think.

10:42

Well, I'm trying to come up with seven new original

10:45

Christmas songs for my Christmas cabaret, which is in two

10:47

days. That's right, because you're not going to do all 17 original.

10:50

You will repeat some. I threw that

10:53

number out, you know, and then immediately went on the

10:55

posters and I thought, What am I, 17? That's crazy.

10:58

That's a lot of songs

11:00

for one cabaret. It's a lot of songs. Without

11:02

any, you know, I don't have any guests because everyone said no.

11:05

No, Joan! Everyone said no? Everyone said

11:07

no. I didn't listen. I

11:10

didn't ask a whole lot of people. And I think that they're

11:12

all still just sort of a little

11:14

gun shy from how my last show went.

11:17

And I accidentally cursed the entire audience. I

11:20

know. But isn't that

11:22

more Mitch McNutt's fault than anything? It

11:24

is. It is. So

11:27

we hate who we hate. Yeah, we despise him.

11:29

Pulled a fast one on me and he pre-reviewed my

11:31

show without even seeing it before it opened. Yes. And

11:34

just predicted what I would do with it. I know what's going to

11:36

happen. Doesn't matter that he was fairly right. He was, he really nailed

11:38

it. It

11:40

was so rude. How did he do that? I

11:42

don't know. I guess I'm a predictable artist. What

11:45

can I tell you? Yeah, but he's a bad guy and

11:47

we don't like him. But this time, I'm going to do

11:49

something kind of dangerous. Oh, it's going to

11:51

be very, but it might be dangerous as

11:53

well. I

11:56

thought you were going to say dangerous. Okay. We

11:58

might be dangerous. So more dangerous than cursing me out. No,

12:01

no, nothing like that. It's

12:03

dangerous for me, scary for me because I

12:05

was thinking I would do a couple, I

12:07

would try to improvise a few numbers. Really?

12:10

Yes, okay, don't sound so surprised. I might be able

12:12

to do it. Joan, you've said, you've

12:14

famously said on more than one occasion,

12:17

I detest improv,

12:19

it's stupid and it's

12:21

lazy. Why would

12:23

you tell everybody that? That was said

12:25

in, what's the word? Confident? Yes.

12:29

I feel like if you say something in confidence more

12:32

than ten times, you might as

12:34

well just be saying it to everyone. I

12:37

really didn't expect, because I don't want everyone to think

12:39

that. Well you put me over spot Joan. It was

12:41

a couple years ago that I said that

12:44

and my opinion of it has changed a

12:46

little bit. Well I didn't realize

12:48

that. I think that it's a very

12:51

sustainable way to live and I think

12:53

it's timeless and I think it's

12:56

going to survive, everything. Everyone loves

12:58

it. Everyone loves it. Can't

13:01

get enough of it. I

13:03

think it's great and I think it's great to

13:05

see so many young people involved in it and

13:08

you know what? I

13:10

consider myself a performer and so to

13:13

not explore that. Joan, everyone consider you.

13:16

Of course. Well, not Mitch McNutt, but

13:18

he considers me a hack. I

13:21

wish you would go to hell. I

13:25

wish that turtleneck would just choke him. Wouldn't

13:27

that be a great, like it seems like it

13:29

is. Stephen King. His face is so utter and

13:31

utter. I don't understand how he should go up

13:34

a size. He

13:39

wears, he gets some special media. They

13:41

do have elastic in them. So I mean I think that

13:44

is the thing. But that would be a very Stephen King

13:46

thing. You were taken down by your

13:48

own, what you're known for. I

13:51

didn't word that correctly. Maybe I'm not going to improv.

14:00

Well, I mean that can't count. That can't

14:02

count. Can we get that out? That can't

14:04

count, right? Let me try again. We have to start the

14:06

improv. Let me try again. All

14:11

I was thinking is, you know, I

14:13

would just, I have my friend Smitty

14:15

who loves to play. Oh, Smitty's back.

14:18

Yes. Yes. He

14:20

was on a cruise ship. Yes, he was on the cruise. 15 years. I

14:23

mean, he's been gone forever. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's a

14:25

very, he was a dear old friend of mine from high school.

14:27

And yes, he was just playing piano on... The

14:29

news cruise. The news cruise. Which was the

14:31

news without Q-list. It

14:34

was a cruise for people who

14:36

were fans of just the news. Just the news.

14:39

They could take or leave Q-list,

14:41

but they are fanatical about the

14:43

news. They

14:48

needed a second piano player and somebody

14:50

joined them. That cruise sounded like a

14:52

lot of fun. The attractions were there,

14:54

the Vandalas. Yes. And

14:56

the trick is when they sing the songs, when they

14:58

sing the songs, it's really just kind of like music

15:00

and then just all of a sudden, back in time.

15:03

And then just more music. Yeah, yeah,

15:05

yeah. Kim

15:07

was there from She and Him. Yes.

15:10

It sort of became a thing, right? You

15:12

know, everyone... So he had a

15:15

great time. So he was dragged by the cruise ship

15:17

for a long time. Oh,

15:21

yeah. Tell me about that again, Vandalas. Oh, yeah, that's

15:23

right. I forgot. I was hearing he

15:25

was dragged by the cruise ship for a long

15:27

time. You

15:31

mean like physically dragged or like emotionally dragged?

15:33

Yeah, he was in the water for

15:35

15 years. No.

15:38

Emotionally dragged by the cruise ship? Oh,

15:40

what? What's happening? That's why

15:42

you just asked me. Are

15:44

you drinking eggnog? Is

15:46

there too much glue in there? There's too much glue.

15:48

So, okay. Well, I'll have to ask him. Because he

15:50

is not... He was barefoot water skiing in the back

15:52

of the cruise ship. He didn't know how would you.

15:55

They were... And then they forgot he was there.

15:57

That's him. He didn't tell me any of this. For

15:59

ovaries. year. Okay, I'll have to ask

16:01

him. You know Smitty. I know, he really

16:04

doesn't say anything. He

16:06

will not, he doesn't want to burden anyone with his

16:08

problems. Right. He came into the

16:10

pharmacy one time and

16:12

he talked to me for 90 minutes before

16:15

I was finally able to glean, he was

16:17

there to get a prescription. Oh, so like

16:19

what was he saying? He was just

16:21

making small talk and then it was saying, hey,

16:25

how are your knees? And I was like,

16:27

my knees are fine Smitty. He's like, ah,

16:29

I'm jealous. You know, things like that. And

16:31

what was the prescription

16:35

he needed? He had bursitis and so he needed a

16:37

cream. Is that for your knees? I

16:39

don't know what bursitis is. Bursitis

16:41

is, it's terrible. Okay. It's terrible. It's a

16:43

joint thing and you can get it in

16:46

your joints. You

16:50

heard it here from the pharmacist and chief. Now remember,

16:52

I'm a pharmacist. I'm not a doctor. The

16:56

chief does not add, you know, no, I

16:58

still need a slip of

17:02

paper telling me what to do. All

17:09

the instructions are on the box. That's, that's,

17:11

that's, they are. Yeah. All you do is you

17:13

say, and then, you know, most people never really have you

17:15

been consulted. Do you have any allergies? And most people just

17:17

say, no, they just, just give me my drugs. They got

17:19

to get out of there. Yeah, exactly. And I don't know. I don't

17:22

follow up. Of course

17:24

not. Okay.

17:26

So here's the thing. I will ask Smitty. I will see

17:29

if he will talk to me, you know, gosh,

17:31

you know, now that I think about it, he

17:33

has, we've rehearsed once and he did see some pretty

17:35

strange things like, you know, Hey, have you been

17:38

talking to people lately? How do they make you

17:40

feel about yourself? And I'm like, Oh, I'm fine. And

17:43

he's like, Oh, must be nice. Just like exactly what

17:45

you were saying. Like, you know, as if like either

17:47

he was emotionally dragged or, but he also made a

17:49

comment about my feet and how my feet were doing.

17:51

So maybe he was trying to tell me, you

17:54

know, and I'll get more specific with them next. Well,

17:56

tomorrow I'll see you tomorrow. And all that I

17:59

thought was, right. like that I would just get

18:01

on my stool and just you know sort of like I

18:03

want to open it up to the crowd now and

18:05

just say oh give me your favorite Christmas

18:08

what's the best thing you've ever gotten for

18:10

Christmas or get an object you know

18:12

or something really simple like what's

18:14

your favorite thing about Christmas? I'm not

18:17

doing it right now. Oh

18:20

I'm sorry. I just made me so nervous. In

18:22

my mind I was picturing you on your stool and

18:25

I was like I was there. Why

18:28

did you just say stool again babe? Stool?

18:31

I was trying out that accent. Stool

18:34

will. Which accent is

18:36

that again? I don't know you're the one that said

18:38

stool. Yeah you

18:40

said stool. I didn't hear it. Oh

18:43

god. It's hard to hear yourself. It's really falling apart. It

18:45

is hard to hear yourself. Okay

18:47

fine fine then I will try okay so like so the example

18:49

is I'll sit on my stool and I

18:55

will ask about and gloves. Did you go say

18:57

gloves? Oh gosh I didn't even consider they would

18:59

say gloves. That's a great idea. You

19:02

should definitely make a list of things you think

19:04

people will say and then you can

19:06

write this off in advance. That's how it works right? Yeah

19:09

yeah or force people to say a thing. And then try to make them what?

19:11

Force people to say a thing. What if I don't like what they say? Can

19:13

I take another suggestion? Absolutely. I

19:16

would keep going until you get one that

19:18

you're prepared for. Okay okay okay. Yeah

19:20

like I'm hoping that they just either say Santa or

19:23

gifts. That's all I want. Right

19:28

you don't think people will say like hot cocoa.

19:31

They might. I just have only thought of

19:33

rhymes for Santa and gifts. What

19:36

are your top rhymes for Santa? My

19:39

lanta. My lanta of course. Santa is the first

19:41

one that came to mind. Granta

19:44

wasn't that a... And Atlanta.

19:48

Atlanta. So you

19:50

know I was like oh all I need is three rhymes. Because

19:52

I could come up with a song. Exactly.

19:55

All you need is three rhymes. What

19:59

Are these songs? Where they

20:01

keep going with the rhymes. Three

20:07

is flying imagining. The be

20:09

long and the medial have everyone

20:11

sing along right now, so are

20:14

you commenting with Lanza eighty eight,

20:16

cause the deal me? Lab.

20:19

Who's good this? this? Think

20:23

about and some sort of. These are always. Have

20:25

your like your mind is blown. How did

20:27

you know three things? like. Nor hims for

20:29

gloves. Why

20:34

did the seem easier to rhyme the singular

20:36

gloves not gloves Because they above mean I

20:38

guess it is a dub but he was

20:40

He loves you don't I mean. Cruz

20:44

specific class. My love. Me

20:49

love sources of are. Realising how hard

20:52

this is what whatever I did not as

20:54

of or loves. Loves. Source

20:56

or sinister. The End of thought. On

20:59

awe of steel. I really

21:01

hate those. I'll never do. So is

21:03

is is say that thing where it's

21:05

like oh oh I love myself I'm

21:07

I'm just gonna take of com the

21:09

put them on a shelf. oh my

21:11

god know what puts anything dismiss wind.

21:13

It's users around all the time. Macys

21:15

of Road As as a thing you

21:18

don't, you don't need it going to

21:20

get rid of it for ourselves. No

21:22

consensus. Of put it on a self. Censoring

21:24

through the people to sell things

21:27

though. Is the shelves

21:29

say. When things are shelf they are

21:31

gone forever Swim Really? would his those

21:33

person that means nothing when we visited

21:35

Rome. Humor through and are you more

21:37

through and yourself? Therapy not needed. Well

21:44

as clear that me to work on this a little

21:46

bit but I'll let you know how does not have

21:48

as many tomorrow. Okay, great. I'm glad to hear.

21:50

If. We spray take a break at this point. I think we

21:52

should as he was tough for too long. When you think, baby, I

21:55

think some our house we don't dog owners who had

21:57

one. before the

21:59

show was. And

22:01

then you remember it used to take a long time to sort of count. Because

22:06

he would remember the minutes. Yes. Yes.

22:08

It's been 21 minutes. Oh, that's

22:10

perfect. Perfect. Absolutely perfect. I feel like

22:12

it's always 21 minutes. All

22:15

right. We're going to take a break. When we come back, we will have

22:17

a guest with us right here at the Kitchen Island on

22:19

The Neighborhood Listen. Nicole,

22:24

Nicole, Nicole. Yes,

22:28

yes. I'm here. Please listen to me.

22:30

Okay. Who are you again? Miss me, Paul. Oh,

22:33

okay. Sorry. Well, I just want to make sure everybody knew. Oh,

22:36

I see what you're doing. Great. Yeah.

22:39

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That's code neighborhood 50 50

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at factormeals.com/neighborhood 50 to get

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50% off. Hey, this is

25:27

Harry. Fire. Ambience.

25:34

Thought I was having my fourth heart attack last night

25:36

and called my room wall. Cannot believe

25:38

the great and fast reaction and care

25:40

that I received. So

25:42

incredibly grateful. Never felt so

25:44

safe. Thankfully no heart

25:46

attack but I feel so thankful

25:48

and peaceful knowing that when I

25:51

need help there are amazing dedicated

25:53

selfless and patient people out there

25:55

to give care. I hope

25:57

none of you ever need it, but rest assured if

25:59

you need help. You

26:01

can expect the best! Thank you,

26:04

thank you, thank you! Heart?

26:08

Emoji? No! Really?

26:13

You gotta be kidding me!

26:21

And welcome back to The Neighborhood Listen.

26:23

And, Joan, you know it. Doug,

26:25

you know it too. What

26:27

we do every episode is, we

26:30

look at the NeighborHap, the social networking

26:32

application for people's neighborhoods, and

26:35

we check out who is interesting in Dignity

26:37

Falls. If a post catches our eye, then

26:40

we try to invite someone on the show. Either

26:42

it's someone who posted, or someone being posted about.

26:45

And this week is no different. And if you happen

26:48

to spot an interesting post that perhaps we missed

26:50

on the NeighborHap, please screenshot it

26:52

and send it to us at Joan

26:55

and Berndt. Nope. Berndt

26:57

and Joan? Uh-oh. Berndt

26:59

and Joan? Thank you, thank you, Doug. BerndtandJoan@gmail.com.

27:02

I don't know why I switched it all

27:04

of a sudden to my mind. Listen,

27:06

my mind isn't a scramble from my attempted

27:08

improv just a minute ago, so... Can I

27:10

tell you that right now I just had maybe

27:13

a panic attack? Oh, no! Did you? I

27:16

had like the tiniest, fastest

27:19

spiral. Did you know

27:21

I forgot my last name just a

27:23

couple episodes ago? No, Joan. It's pedestrian.

27:25

I know! But I kept saying, hi,

27:27

I'm Joan! And I just expected

27:30

it to come out and it did it, and I said it

27:32

three times. Well, you know, to me it just

27:34

sounded very confident. Well, inside I

27:36

was spiraling like you. Fun. Well,

27:41

at least we could be honest about it. Right? Yeah.

27:44

Okay, so we have a guess. But let me first read this post.

27:47

Excuse me. Are

27:50

you getting ready for your Santa voice? Yes, sir.

27:53

Ho, ho, ho. Bird

27:55

is playing Santa at the Falls Oh,

28:00

Mary Christ, Miles! What?

28:03

That's kind of extra! Hello, little boy. What would you like for

28:05

Christ, Miles? It keeps changing. I'm not sure you've hit it in

28:07

the middle yet. I think that's a North Pole action. I think

28:09

you're dancing around in the middle. Dad, we better go now. We're

28:11

going to see my right door. Well, now.

28:14

Now I'm concerned about it. Hey, who's that in a

28:16

while? Yes, that's, yes. It seems you're dancing around in

28:18

the middle. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not

28:20

sure. I'm not sure. I'm

28:22

not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure.

28:24

I'm not sure. I'm

28:26

not sure. I'm not sure. Yes, that's, yes.

28:28

It seems, it's clear. I guess it's not like riding

28:31

a bike again. It's just dusted off. I will be

28:33

riding a bike. I will be riding a

28:35

bike. That's Santa. Well,

28:37

I hope that goes better than finding the voice. Boy, it goes,

28:39

aha, aha, aha! Well,

28:43

that was Harry Carey. All

28:46

right. So

28:51

the post, this just says neighbor, so there's no name.

28:54

We don't have a name. Yes.

28:57

So this says it's under crime and safety. Two

28:59

guys dressed as,

29:02

I assume this means dressed as

29:04

AT&T providers stole my dinner. Told

29:07

me they needed to see. Yes. But

29:10

listen to this. Told me they needed

29:12

to see my cable box, took my crock

29:14

pot with my dinner inside and ran

29:16

out the front. Update, the

29:18

crock pot has been returned. I

29:21

know. And here to

29:23

talk, but I'm not sure we have, I've

29:25

been exchanging emails with this person. I'm not

29:27

sure what the story is since we don't

29:29

know the name of the poster. Right. I

29:32

know that the name we have here, is it just read?

29:34

Is that right? It's pronounced read. Read.

29:37

Read. Sorry. It's

29:39

like red. Yeah. Is read.

29:42

Okay. Yes. Because

29:44

it's R-E-D-D, but it's read. Yes. Okay.

29:46

Just make it. And are you the person who made this

29:48

post or are you? I took the

29:50

pot. Oh, you are? You took the pot. Oh, I

29:53

kind of excited. One of the crock poppies. Because we can

29:55

ask so many questions. Absolutely. You know, we can get

29:57

to the bottom of it. Yes. If it

29:59

had just been the crock pot. Oh,

30:03

I didn't mean to imply that. Oh, that's how I

30:05

did it. Certainly not

30:08

read. Read. Oh,

30:10

wait. It's read, right? It's read. Okay,

30:12

it's read. All right, read. Read

30:15

what? Tell me, first of all, do you

30:17

agree with this post? Is this

30:20

post inaccurate? Would

30:22

you like to correct some misinformation or tell us

30:24

your side of the story? Every word is true.

30:26

Every word is true. Every word last word is true. In

30:28

fact, you left some out. Oh, my God. Really?

30:31

Okay, so you were addressed as

30:34

an AT&T provider. As an AT&T provider.

30:36

Okay. And you told

30:38

this person that you needed to see

30:41

their cable box. Yep. And

30:43

then somehow you got

30:45

it. So you went in

30:47

their home. Yep. I'm

30:50

just appreciative of looking at the cable box. I said knock, knock, knock,

30:52

A, C, and C here. Right. Surprise

30:54

visit. We do those. Okay, pop

30:56

up. Yep. And then you

30:58

said, oh, I'm sorry. And my friend whose name will be redacted. Okay. Okay.

31:02

This is his name. You know why I was just

31:04

about to ask that. His name is Will. It will be redacted.

31:06

His name is Will B. Okay. So

31:08

you and your friend Will. Will be redacted. Okay.

31:11

So you and your friend Will.

31:24

Will be redacted. In the guise

31:27

of AT&T providers. Yep.

31:30

You gain access to the house. Yep.

31:32

Do you even bother looking at the cable

31:34

box? Well, so here's

31:36

the thing. Yeah, take it through it.

31:38

All right. So I am,

31:41

I love a home cooked meal. Okay. Who

31:43

doesn't love a home cooked meal. Can't cook myself. Oh, okay. Neither

31:46

can Will. Okay. And

31:48

what is your relationship with Will? He is my

31:50

best friend from third grade. Oh, but

31:53

we were only best friends in third grade. People

31:55

think that that means we're best friends from third

31:57

grade. I know we had a

31:59

falling out. cooked

34:00

meatballs. And

34:02

did you, was this a surprise or do

34:04

you know the meatballs are happening inside the house before

34:06

you go in and that's the mark? Yeah, we cased

34:08

the joint. We

34:11

sit outside, we look at people and we see, okay,

34:13

if they're not grocery shopping, what are they bringing into

34:15

the house? What do they got? What's

34:18

the protein? Exactly. So we were

34:20

watching her for a little while. How long of a process? About

34:22

four weeks. Oh wow. Four weeks?

34:24

Yeah. Why don't we get in

34:26

there? You love home cooked meals. I love home cooked meals.

34:28

Really embedded. Yes. So

34:31

we, and we also had to start

34:33

saying, okay, what are the nights she goes out to

34:35

eat? When is she doing meal prep? When they're leftovers?

34:37

Yes. We realized Thursdays is when she throws down.

34:40

Okay. Right? Thursdays is when she

34:42

really goes for it. That was go time. And this is

34:44

a single person? Yes. Okay.

34:46

So cooking just for one person? For one. But

34:48

she's, you know how you have those people where it's like they can't just

34:51

cook for one? Yes. Well it's

34:53

very difficult, isn't it? Exactly. It is. Recipes

34:55

all thrown off. Exactly.

34:59

So when in the kitchen, unplug the

35:01

pot. Good. Honestly, one of the

35:03

things she left out, took a couple of pot holders since it was

35:05

hot to the touch. Okay. Okay.

35:08

She didn't, she didn't ding me for that. She didn't ding

35:10

you for that. Were

35:13

those also returned? Read. Game

35:15

them back. Okay. Okay.

35:18

Game them back. So I have the pot. I

35:20

yell, I yell out to the TV. I say,

35:22

Will, time to ride. And he knows that time

35:24

to book it out the front door. Right. Open

35:27

the door. Flash to the car. Drive off.

35:30

We have a meal. Oh wow. Do

35:32

you, do you just eat it right out of the

35:35

car? Oh yeah. It's cold and hot.

35:37

We keep sports in the car for this reason. Because

35:39

here's this. Oh you're ready for anything. I don't like

35:41

cold food. Right. Oh me neither.

35:43

Okay. Gotta be hot. Yes.

35:46

Hot out the oven. They're like leftovers. Oh

35:49

yeah. It's tricky. Oh. Can

35:51

I say I, I enjoy cold food. You do. I do.

35:54

I enjoy it hot. And then no matter what

35:57

it is, I can eat it cold. Yeah. Ooh

35:59

I don't respect that. Well, I apologize.

36:01

I'm not, I mean, I'm not,

36:04

I understand we have different views on that. Um,

36:07

and I guess we'll never see why, do I?

36:09

We won't. Wait till we tell Reed that you don't

36:11

eat square food. What? Yeah, I

36:13

can't eat square food. I can't eat any

36:15

baked thing that is square. Not a sandwich?

36:17

No. Not a, uh...

36:20

Because the bread has been baked. Not a

36:22

turnover that's been made into a square? No.

36:25

He knows. He always knows. No, if it's been made... Oh,

36:27

if it's been made into a triangle. It's just like the

36:29

baking process. So if it's baked as a square, I can't

36:31

eat it. Okay. I didn't know

36:33

this was a common one. Yeah, I'm not

36:35

sure I do. Okay. So if you bake,

36:37

if you, like, I can't eat, if you,

36:39

if you take like a, a, a square

36:42

cracker, and you bite, you

36:44

know, around it to make it a circle, I can't eat that because

36:46

it's a baked square. Because you already know that you're different. I

36:49

see. But if I, if I were to give

36:52

you a cracker that was made to

36:54

be, that was originated as a circle. A rips?

36:57

And I bit it into a square. Oh.

37:00

You would eat that. I wouldn't eat that because

37:02

you bit into it. Okay. But... But

37:04

the principle, the principle. The principle is the same,

37:06

yes. All right. I mean, if

37:08

we cut it, you know. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay.

37:10

Wow. It would give me pause. I never even thought about that angle. If

37:12

I saw the square, it would give me pause. All right. I

37:15

wonder the first... Like,

37:17

does this have this? Does this have this? What

37:19

happened with the square in the first place? What

37:21

would happen to you if you actually ingested it? I

37:24

would go into convulsion. Because this

37:27

is what happened one time? I

37:29

would go into convulsions and I would make

37:33

my body into the shape of a square. Wow. That's

37:36

what happens. Wow. We just...

37:39

I've never asked that question. You know, I just sort of took it for granted. I

37:41

was great. You never would. It's

37:43

embarrassing. All right. Well, then let's get back to

37:45

Red here. Okay. So when you

37:47

ran out, did she just not even... It's free. I'm

37:50

so sorry. I'm so sorry, Reeve. I'm

37:52

so sorry. I'm really sorry. I'm

37:54

really sorry. She's really making a mess. I know.

37:56

I'm so sorry, Reeve. Okay. So

37:59

did the... Women do anything? Where did

38:01

she have no time to process uses on. The

38:03

couch or did she yeah she

38:05

said mommy oh yeah he said

38:07

that the stop my main brace

38:09

when sell c know. Who. Know

38:12

because it looks like you were successful

38:14

because he returned only obviously the crop

38:16

melt steel. Always return to your just

38:18

Saturday or opposite and deal. Have a

38:20

cable provider or we do. We're setting.

38:24

No. No bed. the are they fancy? I

38:27

don't because. Of

38:29

what do you mind? About happening

38:31

he might have. I just go with his. try

38:33

to understand what you know I have nothing boiling,

38:36

nothing simmering. I got nothing though and ride them.

38:38

Runs those. Words that

38:40

hours at a small. So

38:43

okay so you and you and or

38:45

will be will be you You get

38:47

you get to your getaway vehicle yep

38:49

yep sports in this the up how

38:51

far away you go before his heard

38:54

eating out across. Oh yes it is

38:56

interesting because we win play well cause

38:58

of the house atoms on a cold

39:00

sex so well we took off right

39:03

wind. Up. Down the street and

39:05

would popular out here where we

39:07

parked. In front of her house or

39:09

we may animals are assholes are no

39:11

no no and unfortunately so we were

39:13

like well to time second so didn't

39:15

all right as to what here and

39:18

you Are you really right? Been around?

39:20

Oh yes Is this your you? Are

39:22

they Isis. Is

39:25

your is your vehicle disguised as

39:27

an eighty and to be a slide

39:29

and know it actually it out because

39:31

you're saying it's very their sense

39:33

of the rapper com Algae either. So

39:36

when I did with. A plump one

39:38

of them. Pizza delivery. Low lights on the

39:40

top of our. House and did that. Sort

39:42

of double discount. Yes, Okay

39:46

but did see as that did. Did her

39:48

come back here in her yelling just stop

39:50

at the door does he does give up

39:52

because he saw you drive away see know

39:54

she actually she did. Run round

39:56

Santa right behind us now.

39:58

Yeah. She is fast.

40:01

Oh my goodness. I'm just picturing

40:03

her like a T2. Yes. Chopping

40:05

the air with her hands. She is

40:07

fast but to our credit what

40:10

saved us, the

40:12

Golden Bachelor came back from commercial. Oh my

40:14

gosh. She's got to get in

40:16

and see that Bachelor. Had to see it. And

40:18

she sensed that it was coming back from commercial. Yeah.

40:22

She's like I said, she's a fan. So while

40:24

we're working on K-Wok she said that she actually

40:27

has internalized the clock of the Bachelor. Oh she

40:29

just knew. She knew because she watches it live

40:31

she doesn't tape it. I know. She's

40:33

got to see every moment at the time that everyone else is

40:36

seeing it. I don't know why. For some

40:38

reason it's putting me in mind of like

40:40

being on a safari and you're being chased

40:42

by, you're in the Jeep, you're being chased

40:44

by a wild animal and then the wild

40:46

animal who knows why just decides like I

40:49

don't need to do this. Yep. Wow.

40:52

So the Golden Bachelor saved you. Yes

40:55

he did. Wow. Has

40:57

he saved presumably one woman. Yes he did. So

41:00

you eat, you just start

41:02

eating right there in front of her house. Oh yes. And

41:04

the meatballs are they piping hot? They're searing hot.

41:07

I actually caught a couple burns on the way

41:09

down. So sorry. But it was wet down

41:11

there. Oh yeah. The throat burns. Yeah.

41:14

Wow that's insane. Oh it was burning your mouth. But you

41:16

powered through. But you kept it swollen anyway. Yeah I decided

41:19

better in the now. Sure.

41:23

And I, you know some people listen, some

41:25

people their reflexes is hot. Let me spit it

41:27

out. Sure. Me I'm like let's

41:29

get it over with. Right. Wow. They're

41:32

just like gulps. They're also rolling as soon as

41:34

they're in there. That's true. Because they are balls.

41:37

They are. There's momentum in the hole I suppose.

41:39

Yeah. I would assume there was some chewing in there. You

41:42

said like pool balls? Not everyone

41:44

needs to meet balls the way you do babe. Those are such

41:47

as. Doug just swallows them whole. Yeah

41:49

I like to feel them roll down. Oh

41:52

my gosh. Well let me ask this, speaking of

41:54

the meatballs, how many were there? Did you eat all of

41:57

them? There were 42 meatballs in

41:59

the prep cut. I'm now Will, don't listen. I was in charge of

42:01

counting so I gave myself 24. A short change Will, but he didn't know that. Is that going

42:03

to cause a problem or do you

42:06

guys normally get it pretty fair? We're

42:15

usually pretty fair right down the middle and

42:18

it's a very equitable relationship and

42:20

that was one time thing Will.

42:23

Okay. Alright. I

42:25

mean to be fair, you do a little bit more than Will

42:27

does. Thank you. I think

42:29

you had a nerve burnt. I mean Will,

42:31

I guess is a distraction. Here's

42:33

the thing. Will, and this all comes back, this

42:36

is why we fell out. Oh good, because I was going to

42:38

ask this. Will

42:40

lacks follow through. Okay.

42:42

Alright. So just to not bore

42:44

you with a quick story, but. This is what we're

42:46

here for. We're in some great playing game of dodge

42:48

ball. Alright. Classic. Will

42:51

and I looked in each other's eyes before the game began and said,

42:53

listen, you go, I go.

42:56

Alright. We protect each other. Kid

42:59

threw a ball at me. Will was a little bit

43:01

in front of me. He ducked. Oh

43:03

my goodness. Took

43:06

one right to the shoulder. Oh no. Alright.

43:08

That's Will. He's a

43:10

ducker. And then it was over. I mean, what, what, what?

43:12

The unkindest kind of ball. Indeed. Shakespeare.

43:15

So that was it. I

43:23

mean, did you, was there, was there a moment or did you

43:25

just cut them off right then? Yeah.

43:27

I basically said, don't talk to me anymore. We

43:30

won't be swinging together anymore and we certainly

43:32

won't be sharing crayons anymore. And

43:35

he cried quite significantly. And

43:38

then, yeah, he significantly cried. Because

43:41

he knew he was in the wrong.

43:43

It was that hard cry when you know

43:45

that you're not going to apologize. Oh

43:47

he apologized profusely. Oh he did. Yeah.

43:51

But I gave him the cold shoulder. I said, let this be a lesson. Oh

43:53

wow. What a, what a profound thing that

43:55

you knew at such a young age. Yes. I

43:58

was a wise third grader. And

44:00

then you went. through school altogether.

44:02

How many grades? All.

44:04

And here's the thing. High school? Yes. Yes.

44:07

And our last names are,

44:09

his last name is Redactin. And my

44:11

last name is Restorative. And

44:14

so we're next to each other in the alphabet.

44:17

So we were often seated next to

44:19

each other in classes. We walked

44:21

next to each other at graduation.

44:23

But it was just ice. We didn't

44:26

speak. And then who was it that,

44:29

how did you come back together again? Who initiated that? I

44:33

reached out. I started my therapy journey.

44:36

Oh, wonderful. And I realized that maybe

44:38

I was a little too harsh on

44:40

Will. Okay. So I called him up

44:42

and I said, can we talk? And he said, I've been

44:45

waiting for this in third grade. Wow. And I

44:47

apologize. And he again, he

44:52

cried and he welcomed me back into his life.

44:54

Was the crime significant this time?

44:56

Majorly significant. Okay. Yeah. I

44:59

would have taken it. I still had to miss that part. That's

45:01

fine. And third grade, he cried significantly. Oh, I thought

45:03

you said crime. Sorry. I misunderstood. I just heard

45:05

you say crime. I thought you said crime, not

45:07

cry. No, I said cry. This is a little

45:10

mistake. Sometimes I just miss here. You know, that's fine. I'm allowed

45:12

to miss here. No, of course you are. You seem very

45:14

nice. I mean, it's not helpful, but. But

45:19

you are allowed to do it. I think he was arguing itself. You're

45:21

allowed to do it. I think I'm apologizing just like Will did. I

45:23

mean, you're allowed to do it all day long. Do I need to

45:25

cry? Did you

45:28

say crime? Give me a

45:30

break. You

45:33

know what I was going to point out is

45:35

that it's so interesting, beautiful almost that their last

45:37

name sort of predicted what

45:39

would end up happening. Will got

45:42

redacted and Reed was restorative to

45:44

the friendship. Wow. I think that

45:46

that's lovely. I just got chill.

45:48

Wow. Yeah. Well, okay. Now you forgot

45:50

about my mistake. Thank goodness. Now

45:53

you reminded me. Anyways,

45:58

so how old were you when this happened? happened when

46:00

you came back together? Oh, when

46:02

we came back together? Okay.

46:05

Yeah. And so, and both grew up in Dignity

46:07

Falls right here? Yeah. Okay. Okay.

46:12

Okay. So here's the thing.

46:14

I was doing my own

46:16

home gardening situation. I was

46:18

growing plants, vegetables, things like

46:20

that, and basically selling them to the

46:22

community in Dignity Falls. But

46:25

here's the thing, I got out of the business because it costs

46:27

quite a lot to grow food. Oh, sure. So

46:29

I was having to charge like $40 for an

46:32

apple, $50 for spinach. And

46:35

that was... I'm sorry, did you just do $40

46:37

for an apple? Just one apple? Yes. Wow.

46:40

Did anyone ever do that? Yes. Really?

46:43

Yeah. Would buy them. Yes.

46:46

Really? What, I mean, is there something about these apples

46:48

that is sort of special or... The price point. I

46:50

can't argue there. So I

46:53

guess it makes people feel like... That makes them special. You

46:55

know, if you have to ask, you can't afford it, kind

46:57

of like... Yeah. It's

46:59

a designer apple. It must be a great apple.

47:01

Yeah, it's like an elite... It's

47:03

like an apple where it's like... There's

47:06

a place called Soho House, I think. It's

47:08

like a Soho House apple. Do

47:12

you remember when they tried to do a

47:14

Soho House in Dignity Falls? Oh

47:16

my God. And the night it opened,

47:19

it burned to the ground. Just

47:21

instantly. Yeah. And

47:23

they just gave up. They said, I guess

47:25

it wasn't meant to be. Nope. It

47:28

was because they made people wait on a list for

47:30

two years. You know, all that waiting. Yeah, yeah,

47:32

yeah. It was impossible to get on the list.

47:35

Absolutely. That's a place

47:37

that invent go there. Yes. Did

47:39

they invent the cronut? Yeah. I

47:41

was so excited for that. Yeah.

47:45

Yeah. I'll never have one.

47:47

Soho House, out of defiance? No,

47:50

I just don't believe they'll ever come to

47:52

Dignity Falls. Oh no, the cronut will not

47:54

be bad. No, no, no. That was their

47:56

shop. Yep. Okay,

47:58

so they're so. really put so much

48:00

on the back. The

48:06

exclusivity, not the clientele,

48:08

that cronut. Never

48:11

goes to the connection but I don't know.

48:14

Again, it's for elite people. I guess we're just

48:16

too lowly. So

48:19

okay, so this is working for

48:21

a while it seems like. Why

48:24

did it change? Well, I ran out

48:26

of clientele. It

48:28

felt like people were losing their homes. Oh,

48:31

because of these apples. Yes, losing their

48:33

cars. They kept telling me, they said,

48:35

Reed, listen, I can't afford these apples

48:37

anymore. I've had to foreclose on my

48:39

home. And I was like, well

48:41

then you're not getting an apple. But

48:45

then once everybody's house got foreclosed upon, they had

48:47

to leave. It wouldn't be far. They did. They

48:51

never stopped and said, chat around the kitchen

48:53

table and had the hard conversations like maybe

48:55

not the $40 apple. I

48:57

guess it really did something in their

48:59

brains where they convinced themselves these apples

49:01

not only were worth $40 but

49:05

that they had to keep buying them

49:07

to the point where they lose their

49:09

own. I remember a little while ago there was

49:11

sort of a thing where there were a couple moms

49:13

at school. If I now really

49:15

think about it, they started dressing differently. They

49:17

started acting differently. Like they were

49:20

just this thing that sort of made them like

49:22

it was about it was like a class thing. It

49:24

was like a real class thing. I wasn't any part

49:27

of it because I don't eat apples. No,

49:30

you refuse. I refuse. And

49:33

why is that a case? Well,

49:37

it's because of Snow White, honestly. That

49:40

is a common complaint. It is. Oh, what

49:42

is it? Yes. Oh, it's not just

49:45

me. It's a common apple aversion. Oh, wow. Oh,

49:47

well see. There you go. Okay.

49:50

What's number two? Worms? Yes.

49:53

Number two is people who can't

49:55

unsee an apple as a car

49:57

from the They're

50:00

like, I can't eat a car. Do you know what?

50:02

Those Apple cars really do defy sort of physics and

50:04

you look at it and you're like, that is not

50:10

natural. It's not. I totally understand

50:12

that. Get that. Boy, if you

50:14

could drive a big Apple like

50:17

that as your phone. A dream.

50:19

You like a dream. I'd pay 40 bucks for that.

50:21

Well, I'd pay 40 bucks for a car. I

50:26

mean, yeah, that makes sense. Now, were you

50:28

ever worried that people would just keep the

50:30

seeds from these apples and grow their

50:33

own $40 Apple? But

50:35

I suppose, did they know? Well,

50:38

and I'll let you answer. I'm sorry. I'm very

50:40

invested in this. You've blown my

50:42

mind here that never once occurred to me.

50:44

Or anyone else, apparently. Never occurred. Because people

50:46

are going broke. Yes, they were. I'm thinking,

50:48

was it because they did? Because did they seem that

50:51

they tasted more amazing because they spent that much money

50:53

for it? You know, it's just like when

50:55

you go to a show and everyone stands now because they need

50:57

to believe that they dumped a lot of money on something that

50:59

was amazing. So they have to experience it. You know what, Joan? It

51:02

is true that every show gets a

51:04

standing ovation. Every show. Every single show.

51:06

I mean, it's true. It's just true.

51:08

And I've seen some shows that... I

51:11

went to my niece's Christmas play down

51:13

at the middle school. Absolute

51:16

trash. Oh, I heard about

51:18

that. I heard that show was bad. It

51:20

was bad. It was offensive. Oh, right.

51:22

Yes, I did hear about that. A

51:24

fight broke out on the stage. Standing

51:27

ovation. Standing ovation. Like,

51:30

when you see an angry standing ovation where

51:32

people... Oh, it's like nothing else.

51:35

They did it. They did it. This

51:37

group has no shows that now. Every show is

51:40

a hit. It is a weird

51:42

phenomenon. It's true. And then you can always

51:44

see the two people who are like, we will not, we

51:46

will not, we are not going to do it. We absolutely

51:48

will not. And then it's almost like just a peer pressure

51:50

thing where you see them get their... Easier

51:53

to kneel for the national anthem

51:55

than not participating in a standing

51:57

ovation at a play. sign

52:00

that. Oh

52:04

Lord. So okay. Yeah. Do you have

52:06

more questions about the crime? Oh boy.

52:09

I feel like we got off track from the crime. I

52:11

guess we did. But I wanted what I wanted was

52:13

the origin story we got. We've got their friends. We

52:15

know why they are not friends. Now

52:18

they're friends again. You were selling the, you were

52:20

selling the fruit. I want to know what Will

52:22

was doing at this time. Well, Will was on

52:24

his own therapy journey. Actually he was

52:26

quite traumatized by the way I turned

52:28

my back on him in third grade.

52:30

Oh boy. Wow. Ever really venture out

52:32

into the world or have any kind

52:34

of endeavors of his own. He was

52:36

kind of just sitting there and kind

52:38

of suspended animation waiting for me to

52:40

come back and apologize. Sounds. Something

52:45

that happened in third grade. He

52:47

never moved fast. Just rendered him

52:49

inert. Wow. Completely.

52:52

Was he, did he ever like move out or like get a

52:54

job? Oh no, no, no, no, no, no,

52:56

no. Oh, so he's just a 24 year old

52:58

kid. Oh yeah. Just like hanging out. Oh yeah. So

53:00

then at this time your business is failing. So now

53:03

you're hanging out. What does that look like? Tell me

53:05

about that. So our

53:07

first hangout, we, I invited

53:09

him over for dinner. I was like, Hey, I live independently.

53:11

Come look. And uh, how's

53:13

the meal? Cause I know you say you're not really. That's

53:15

the issue. I said, come over for dinner.

53:18

I thought that he was going to bring

53:20

food. Oh no. Yeah. I

53:22

think he usually say, come over for dinner.

53:24

That's a tricky one. Huh? Yeah. I

53:26

thought I bring dinner. Would

53:29

you expect them to bring the dinner? I think

53:33

I should bring dinner. I

53:36

would think I should bring the dinner. Oh,

53:38

you would. Four. Okay. Right. Cause

53:40

I would say, I guess there's

53:42

so much that come over with

53:44

dinner. Come over. Come over for

53:46

the purpose of bringing dinner. Okay. There

53:48

are a couple words missing. There's some, there's

53:50

some lines. There's some subtext there. Okay.

53:52

But you feel like that's crystal clear,

53:55

clearer as a bell. Okay. So,

53:58

so what happens? Will comes over. No

54:00

food. No food. He's looking at me. I

54:02

don't have food. Oh no. We're

54:05

at a rough start. Rough start. So we're

54:07

hangry. Oh no. And he's

54:09

got to be terrified to say anything because he's

54:11

only just... Absolutely. He started animating because he's been

54:13

defending. He knows that he is a hair for

54:15

me. A hair? Oh yeah. Reed gets

54:18

it. So I

54:20

say to him, we got to fix this, right? Yeah.

54:24

And he doesn't like cold food. I don't like cold food. Oh

54:26

right. So... Oh,

54:28

this is how it was born? Oh wow. What have you been

54:30

doing it for a while? How many years now? About 14 years.

54:33

Wow. Wow. We

54:35

have taken chicken tinga tacos. We have

54:37

taken pork shoulders. We have taken... Always

54:40

a meat meal. Always a meat meal. Yes. We

54:43

have taken dumplings soup. We have taken

54:45

taquitos. We have taken... You know those

54:47

little soup dumplings that they sell at Trader

54:49

Joseph's? Yes. Technically a home cooked

54:51

meal. But if you make it at home it is. Somebody else made it in

54:53

their home. Exactly. Exactly. So

54:56

hang on. What do I want

54:58

to say? The container is not always

55:01

a crock pot. So are you talking about

55:03

sealing things from ovens? Yeah. What

55:05

does that look like? It seemed like the crock pot was

55:07

very convenient. Very convenient. But I bet you it is not

55:09

that easy every time. You know generally we go

55:11

for food that is sitting in the

55:13

vessel. So we will take a crock pot. We will

55:15

take an instant pot, a slow cooker. We will take

55:17

a toaster. Okay. We will also

55:19

take a more elevated toaster. We will take

55:21

an air fryer in a second. Would

55:24

you take a hot dog toaster? Okay.

55:27

Of course. Would you return that

55:29

toaster? Absolutely. Oh okay. You will

55:31

always return the equipment. I am a minimalist. Especially because then the

55:33

food is the one thing you take and then it is gone.

55:36

Right. I don't want all that stuff in

55:38

my house. You don't even want the food you are out. No.

55:40

Could you just describe your home to us?

55:43

Okay. So imagine a structure.

55:45

Okay. Bare walls. Okay.

55:48

Alright. No. Not as done

55:50

in furniture. Okay. Okay. It

55:53

is all the blow up time. I think I was already picturing that.

55:55

Blow it up every morning. And I kept the air off. Right because

55:57

you want to see it. Yeah,

56:00

exactly. So let's say

56:02

I wake up in the morning, I unblow

56:04

my bed. All right. I

56:07

have to inhale it. Yes. I

56:11

was like the seven Chinese brothers. Yes. Then

56:14

I go out into my living room. I blow

56:16

up a chair. Okay. Okay. Sit down.

56:18

Do you hold your, do you hold the air from

56:20

the bed? Yes. That's a great question. I go, I

56:23

go walk over,

56:25

walk, walk, walk, walk, walk. You've

56:30

got some good luck capacity. Well, probably from

56:32

running out of houses with heavy equipment in

56:34

your hands. Can I ask when you, when

56:36

you deflate the furniture, do you just

56:38

leave it where it is? Like when people have

56:40

those blow up Christmas during

56:44

the day. Yeah. I

56:46

just leave them, I leave them set right where

56:48

they're at. Right. Right. Okay. Just work for later.

56:50

Exactly. Yeah. Okay. So, all right. So

56:52

you start doing this and it just, what, it just sort

56:55

of, it's one of the, probably one of the things where

56:57

you blink and 15 years, 14 years

56:59

later you're doing it. Exactly. And this is the

57:01

only meal you get each day. Yes. Or

57:03

are you doing this for breakfast? Yes. It's a

57:05

high stakes situation. One

57:08

meal you get it and have everything. And

57:10

Will and I have a couple dietary

57:12

restrictions. Oh no. Black's and dislikes. I

57:14

had not seen this coming. I did

57:16

not. It's a real twist. Exactly. He does not like

57:19

beans. Oh, that

57:21

is good. That's going to take you out of

57:23

habit. I don't want to say beans. Yeah.

57:25

So sometimes. Well, they're both out of kill

57:27

you, right? Yeah. They're both out of chili.

57:29

I said, you, I met the collective. Your

57:32

head would spin if you'd known how many chilies we'd

57:34

thrown away. Oh, why? Because once you

57:36

were hoping they were like chili that had

57:38

your restrictions. We're hoping for white chili, white

57:41

all meat chili with no beans.

57:43

No beans. Just ground beef. Does such

57:45

a thing exist? It's

57:48

just ground beef. Do

57:53

you, by now, since you've been doing this for

57:55

so long, do you, do you know

57:57

by smell if it's something that you're going to

57:59

do? Oh, that's a try. I bet you

58:01

there's some stuff that really heightened it. It's like I

58:03

have the nose of a greyhound. It's

58:06

like I can smell notes. I'm

58:08

like okay that has cholula in

58:10

it. I can smell sage. I

58:13

can smell every spice. I can smell whether

58:15

it's veggie broth or chicken broth. Okay. And

58:18

so usually I'll just start letting the

58:21

smell inform my thinking and then I'll

58:23

go in there. I'll take

58:25

a peek. I might even take a taste if there's a

58:27

spoon available. Wow. Oh wow. Any

58:31

issue where something went so terribly

58:33

wrong that you almost considered leaving

58:35

this behind? Oh

58:37

yeah, any close calls? Yeah, close

58:39

calls. Absolutely. Okay, so here's the

58:41

thing. One time we did our

58:43

whole routine getting there. We

58:45

know that this person, this guy slated to

58:48

make a pot roast. He's been watching it

58:50

for four weeks. You watch the

58:52

groceries go in the house. Yes. And

58:55

it's a what pot pie? A pot roast.

58:57

Oh sorry. I heard the pot part.

58:59

Okay, yes. A pot roast. I

59:01

don't know what went wrong in this gentleman's life but we

59:03

got in there and he was making

59:06

a singular grilled cheese. What? That's

59:08

a bad. But he's been slated. He was

59:11

slated to make a pot roast.

59:13

Alright. So he, I don't know, again

59:15

I don't know what went wrong in a pot. It's just a

59:17

single solitary grilled cheese. A single grilled cheese. Oh that's a sad.

59:19

Now at first I was like, I can accept this because it

59:21

seemed like he was using two different kinds of cheese. So

59:23

it seemed like an elevated cheese. And it's your only meal of

59:25

the day. Oh absolutely. Yeah. So.

59:28

And you guys are good on cheese and bread. We're

59:31

good. Both of us. And it's on the go foods

59:33

list. Alright. So I get in there

59:35

and I see, I see that you know obviously it looks

59:37

like the grilled cheese is almost done. Okay. It's

59:40

looking nice and crispy brown on the top. Okay. Grab

59:43

a spatula. Flip it over. The

59:45

bread on the other side, not cooked at all. Oh

59:47

no. And now the clock is running. The clock

59:49

is running. Yeah. And what's he

59:51

doing? Where's this guy? He's

59:54

helping the guy on the hockey game. Oh. You

59:56

know these people are all just so tied to

59:58

their TV. They just don't even notice. someone coming

1:00:00

into their house and taking their food. Yeah, but what

1:00:02

year was this? Because... This was 2004.

1:00:05

Yeah, 2004. Oh, the championship. And

1:00:08

we finally made it. It was the first time

1:00:10

that Dignity Falls was in the hockey championship. And

1:00:14

it was the... What was the name

1:00:16

of the team? The puckers. The puckers. And

1:00:18

they disbanded after that. They did. Because they did not go

1:00:20

all the way and they said, that's it. Hang it up.

1:00:23

We thought we had a real miracle on our hands. We really thought

1:00:25

that it was... Oh my God, they pre-printed all

1:00:27

those t-shirts. Kurt

1:00:29

Russell was already slated to start a film about

1:00:31

it. He was slated. He was slated.

1:00:34

Just like this guy was slated. What happened?

1:00:37

So anyways, you don't went wrong. So you're in

1:00:39

there, you flip it over. What

1:00:41

do you do? The grilled cheese is not done. Grilled

1:00:43

cheese is not done. And I'm seeing Will out there.

1:00:45

Which means that cheese isn't done either. It's not done.

1:00:48

That's not done. And Will is not good

1:00:50

under pressure. As I said, he doesn't have a lot

1:00:52

of life experience. He's not good off the cuff. You're

1:00:54

the leader. Yeah. So

1:00:56

he starts flailing out there. So Will and the

1:00:58

owner of the house, they are

1:01:01

in the living room. Watching the hockey game. Watching

1:01:03

the hockey game while this grilled cheese is cooking.

1:01:06

And Will's trying to be like, oh, I'm

1:01:08

just about to fix the cable box. He

1:01:10

said, Babelkox. No! He lost

1:01:12

the clock. He starts unraveling. And there's no

1:01:14

way... If you have an AT&T guy in your home

1:01:16

and he's a Babelkox. You don't get that, Will. Because

1:01:18

you're like, okay, something's up here. He's not right. He

1:01:20

knows I'm not wrong. Oh, that's so embarrassing for him.

1:01:22

A horrible. AT&T provider. What?

1:01:26

Sorry, AT&T provider? What did I say?

1:01:29

A guy. Okay, Doug. I do apologize. I

1:01:32

respect that. Doug's keeping us honest. He's the term

1:01:34

police. I don't know. They start providing their... I don't

1:01:36

know. Because you know that her guess is not a real one. It's a

1:01:39

cover for a criminal activity. But they use the proper title.

1:01:41

This is provided. We do work. I think it's a

1:01:43

cover for a criminal activity. I don't know. I don't

1:01:45

know. I don't know. I don't know.

1:01:47

I don't know. I don't know.

1:01:49

I don't know. I don't know. I

1:01:51

don't know. That's a good title. This

1:01:53

is provided. I think it's not that they're called providing.

1:01:56

We do work. We work hard to be faithful to the death. Okay. I

1:01:59

do apologize. on us, Doug. All

1:02:01

right, I do. Thank you, Doug. Okay,

1:02:03

so he says, Babel cocks, then what

1:02:05

happens? Now, now this guy is maybe,

1:02:08

maybe an ear cock. The man's like,

1:02:10

now what are y'all doing in my house? I know y'all are.

1:02:12

I know y'all are. You're

1:02:15

on your same Babel cock.

1:02:17

The veil has been pierced.

1:02:20

Exactly. And

1:02:22

he's like, I had, I had a couple of friends

1:02:24

that lost some salmon last week. Is that what this

1:02:26

is? Oh no. And what a,

1:02:28

what a get, by the way. If you had a

1:02:31

couple of salmon in a row, that's also not more

1:02:33

helpful. Were they different for

1:02:35

preparation? Yes, one was baked, one

1:02:37

was braised. Oh, was it a blank? Yes.

1:02:41

Oh, I'm getting into this. I kind of, the,

1:02:43

honestly, the rush of it of like, I know what

1:02:46

it is, but I don't know quite how good it's

1:02:48

going to be. It does sound very exciting. And I cook

1:02:50

it and it's hot. Yeah, it sounds very exciting. Nothing like,

1:02:52

you can do it. It's very thumb and the wheeze. Okay, so, so

1:02:54

he's like. I'd be disappointed, of course,

1:02:56

if I showed up and that grilled cheese was there. Thank

1:02:58

you. Very much so. Yeah,

1:03:00

I'm on the ride with you. Okay. So he's, so

1:03:02

he's like, get out of my house. And then did

1:03:05

you just go? No grilled cheese, no nothing. No grilled

1:03:07

cheese? No dinner that night. No nothing. Wow. And

1:03:10

then you're like, what am I doing with my life? And Will and

1:03:13

I got, again, we're hangry gotten to a little bit of a tip. Oh,

1:03:15

hangry is your hair. Reopen, reopen old wounds. Yeah.

1:03:19

So that, that was a dark period for us.

1:03:21

And so we didn't eat until the next night.

1:03:23

And what was it? Was it good? It

1:03:25

was okay. Oh no. What

1:03:27

was the casserole? What was the, oh, casserole. What

1:03:29

was the top meal ever that you stole? Oh,

1:03:32

great question, Jill. The Kobe beef.

1:03:35

Wow. Kobe beef. Wow.

1:03:39

It wasn't cooked to the temp, I prefer. I'm

1:03:41

going to be picky. Okay. But

1:03:43

it was delicious. All right. I have a

1:03:45

question that maybe is weird. Did

1:03:48

you ever, well, like

1:03:50

stake out our house and, and maybe you

1:03:53

just didn't like the looks of what I was

1:03:55

going to prepare and just decide not to because

1:03:57

I'm kind of thinking this is many years of.

1:04:00

meal stolen in dignity falls and I've never

1:04:02

been My

1:04:04

meal has never been stolen I'm

1:04:08

not gonna answer that but unrelated have

1:04:12

you ever thought about not

1:04:15

putting raisins in

1:04:17

your spaghetti It's a family recipe!

1:04:22

It's a family recipe I know you

1:04:24

think it sounds disgusting I'm telling you

1:04:27

it's good I can't explain it It's

1:04:29

not good, it's not good They

1:04:31

don't belong in there They

1:04:33

don't go together It doesn't

1:04:35

matter what kind of sauce you put on there No

1:04:37

it's not good I've eaten

1:04:39

it on three occasions Great great great great

1:04:42

grandma Sylvia created this dish And

1:04:45

it's just it's really good You always say this could

1:04:47

be a little surprise in there Like

1:04:49

we don't know it's raisins And

1:04:51

you can't see I mean raisins are in there It's not good, it's

1:04:53

not good They don't belong in

1:04:56

there I mean raisins are in

1:04:58

there Governed raisins Garnished

1:05:01

with raisins as well as I picked up

1:05:03

on them I watched you sprinkle the raisins

1:05:05

over the top She uses the two scoops

1:05:07

like the raisin brands And the weight Laughter

1:05:19

Very old fashioned And I saw, this is

1:05:21

unrelated to me apparently But

1:05:25

I have heard tell that when

1:05:27

there was a national raisin shortage You even

1:05:30

once did raisinets Ahh,

1:05:33

yeah it was The

1:05:35

raisin shortage did not affect the production of

1:05:37

raisins Dead of when No Did

1:05:40

not, makes you think They're

1:05:42

probably made of receipts They're probably made

1:05:45

of receipts Wow

1:05:47

okay I have been, listen I asked the

1:05:49

question I put myself out there And

1:05:52

we have not discussed this dish before

1:05:55

Not really Opening the family, Babel

1:05:57

Cox Now

1:06:01

Doug, in your mind, what does that mean? What

1:06:07

does that mean? Kind of like a can of worms.

1:06:09

Oh man, well listen I... Can

1:06:13

I suggest something? Oh, alright. Honestly,

1:06:15

Reid, you don't even realize, you

1:06:17

probably just brought up something

1:06:19

that Doug has been sitting on for 20 years or so.

1:06:22

I think this might... I'm

1:06:25

just curious if you haven't tried this yet. I think

1:06:27

it might really help your relationship with

1:06:29

Will. Hit me. Oh. Just

1:06:32

take a good dodge ball, whip

1:06:35

it out his shoulder, get him back

1:06:37

for all the... Wow. Doug,

1:06:39

I think you're onto something. That sounds like it

1:06:41

could be very healing. Wow. Yeah.

1:06:44

I'm gonna try it. Okay. Are you gonna do

1:06:47

it and let him know or are you gonna take

1:06:49

it by surprise? Oh no, it's gonna be a

1:06:51

full on surprise. Yeah. Full

1:06:53

on. I mean, you were surprised. I was

1:06:55

taking... That's true, you know what? The

1:06:58

betrayal isn't even if you don't do it that

1:07:00

way. That's true. You gotta... Wow.

1:07:04

Somebody has to jump. You have to keep the betrayal here. I'm gonna hire

1:07:06

someone to throw it. I'm gonna set it up such as... Oh. Yes.

1:07:09

Yes. A dodge ball hitman.

1:07:11

You're gonna go in the dark with it. Dodge ball

1:07:14

for hire. I'm gonna position Will and myself. I'm gonna

1:07:16

stand a little bit in front of him and I'm

1:07:18

gonna tell the hitman when I wink, that's

1:07:21

when you throw and then I'm gonna duck.

1:07:24

Wow. Wow. I hear you're gonna get him

1:07:26

into that scenario. I guess it sounds like he kind of does whatever I say. Until

1:07:30

maybe this moment. And maybe he needs that

1:07:32

sort of wake up call and empowering moment

1:07:34

of like, oh hey, maybe I need

1:07:36

to sort of make some calls myself. Stand

1:07:39

up for myself a little bit more. Yeah. But

1:07:41

not too much. Well, but not too much because

1:07:43

you need that... You like that status. Yeah. You

1:07:45

like that dynamic. Wow. Well,

1:07:48

read... I mean... I'm just

1:07:50

riveted by this... Honestly, it's got adventure.

1:07:52

It's got... It really does. I'm just

1:07:54

so thrilled out on an old recipe

1:07:56

that I will be honest,

1:07:58

I'm gonna have to sit down and... think about this and...

1:08:00

But you like it, you think?

1:08:03

Well, you know, I'm just starting to think

1:08:05

that if, you know, that

1:08:07

if you're taught to love it from an

1:08:09

early age, that maybe I didn't make my

1:08:12

own decision about it and I was just

1:08:14

fed this literally and figuratively from

1:08:17

my non-culture of non-denominationally

1:08:23

Christian white women that told

1:08:25

me that this was

1:08:27

our culture, that this is

1:08:29

what we had to pass down and that it

1:08:31

was very, very good. And maybe it's actually

1:08:34

trash. It's not good. But

1:08:36

if it helps, the one that was least objectionable

1:08:39

was just the butter

1:08:41

and oil with the spaghetti

1:08:44

and raisins. Not

1:08:47

to say that it was good, but

1:08:49

adding a sauce

1:08:52

made it so

1:08:54

much worse. Red sauce,

1:08:56

cream sauce, pesto, cream sauce.

1:08:58

Were you doing a Dr. Seuss?

1:09:00

Yes, he was. Red sauce, cream

1:09:03

sauce, raisin too. White sauce, brown

1:09:10

sauce, even blue. It is

1:09:13

not good. It is no good for you. Get that

1:09:15

out of my suit. Throw

1:09:17

it in the shoe. Throw it in the shoe.

1:09:19

This is garbage. I don't know what to do. So,

1:09:23

Reed, are you

1:09:25

going to continue doing this activity? Oh, absolutely. And what

1:09:27

made you want to come on to the show? That

1:09:29

is a great day. There we go. That's the question

1:09:31

of the moment. Well, at the end of the

1:09:33

day, it's about accountability. True.

1:09:36

Okay. I am

1:09:38

a very accountable person and I

1:09:41

like, I feel like full disclosure,

1:09:43

it's going to happen. It's going to happen

1:09:45

plenty more times. It's going to happen again.

1:09:48

And in fact, I'd like to take this

1:09:50

moment since I have the floor to let

1:09:52

everyone in Digne Falls note to not be

1:09:54

afraid to try new recipes, to not be

1:09:56

afraid to buy new appliances. If you want to experiment, you

1:09:58

can do it. with maybe cold

1:10:01

soups. That's not something I can do.

1:10:03

I just feel like if

1:10:05

people can branch out a little bit more if they feel

1:10:08

led to do so. Not cus pachos

1:10:10

though because I believe those involve tomatoes, right?

1:10:12

Correct. Don't do those. Does

1:10:14

it always involve tomatoes? Does it? I thought that it did. Are you

1:10:16

going to do? Are you going to knock me both? Well,

1:10:20

we have no way to figure it out. You turned it back

1:10:22

on me so fast, I just died. I

1:10:24

think it felt solidarity like, well, yeah, let's talk about

1:10:27

this some more. You

1:10:30

know what? I'm just experiencing a lot of volatility from

1:10:32

the raisins. So I feel like that's what I'm still

1:10:34

getting. I'm getting that energy. Absolutely. I'm

1:10:36

getting that energy. What's the other kind of cold soup? What's it

1:10:38

called? It's like a... Is borscht

1:10:40

cold or... No, I think it's borscht.

1:10:42

I don't know if it's borscht. Borscht was

1:10:44

hot. I think it's hot. Is borscht hot?

1:10:47

Wow. Oh,

1:10:50

I heard it that time. Yeah, I was

1:10:52

pointed. Okay,

1:10:54

sorry about that. Well, boy, I am

1:10:56

learning my lessons today. Okay,

1:10:59

so yes, and just take that to

1:11:01

heart. The equipment that you get, if it is

1:11:03

new, it will be returned. Absolutely. So

1:11:06

don't worry about that. And this is only non-violent.

1:11:09

Completely. Yes. In

1:11:11

fact, it's a warm interaction. Right.

1:11:13

Honestly. And I think of it sometimes as

1:11:15

a social call. Uh-huh. Okay,

1:11:18

sure. Right. You know, like, we do have our

1:11:20

elders that are alone in our houses sometimes. You

1:11:22

just check in to make sure that one lady

1:11:24

is doing great. She can run like the Terminator

1:11:26

too. Exactly. She

1:11:28

watches her favorite program. She's doing okay. I feel

1:11:30

like there are plenty of people in

1:11:33

Dignity Falls sitting there thinking, listen,

1:11:35

the most exciting days of my life are behind

1:11:37

me. Yeah. Nothing

1:11:39

surprising is ever going to happen to me again.

1:11:41

Oh my gosh. Nothing magical is ever going to

1:11:44

happen to me again. And along come me and

1:11:46

Will to show them that that ain't true.

1:11:48

You know what, Reed? This might be literally

1:11:50

a genius move coming

1:11:52

on this podcast marketing, because just like your

1:11:54

$40 apples, that it becomes something that you

1:11:56

have to have. I can see a

1:11:58

bunch of women being like. I want I

1:12:01

mean I asked this question myself no one's telling me I'm the

1:12:04

template for it. It

1:12:08

becomes a status symbol. Yeah. It

1:12:10

contributes your own cooking. Yeah because otherwise you're

1:12:12

a shitty cook. If you haven't they haven't

1:12:14

visited your house by now you're pretty bad.

1:12:17

And just to be just to be I guess

1:12:19

I gotta throw this out there read you

1:12:22

won't go to a restaurant? No. Okay.

1:12:25

That's not home book. Okay that's what I thought. Oh

1:12:27

fair fair. That's what I thought. What

1:12:32

if someone named the restaurant home? I

1:12:35

was going to ask that. That's

1:12:39

a bridge I'd have to cross when I get to it but it sounded

1:12:41

like a yes. Okay. It

1:12:43

does sound a little bit like. I'm like a yes but

1:12:45

I'm looking for it. I'll have to come in and take

1:12:47

it. Yeah it does. No of course. Sounds a little bit

1:12:49

like nibbling a Ritz cracker into square to me. Yeah. That

1:12:52

type situation. Yeah. Well. The

1:12:55

integrity is not there. I think that you've hit on something

1:12:57

I mean I swear I can see this becoming the next

1:12:59

big thing is that you know everyone's begging for you to

1:13:01

come and get food. Absolutely. So honestly you know what best

1:13:03

of luck to you. Do you ever do apartments? Yeah.

1:13:07

Well. Bert might be next. You never know. Well

1:13:10

but I don't cook. You don't eat meat.

1:13:12

I notice. She's got her. You scoped my

1:13:14

place up. Absolutely. Oh

1:13:17

wow. You gotta lay off the fruit leather. It's

1:13:20

nice to me. Oh I love it

1:13:22

so much though. I feel like you're eating way

1:13:24

too many fruit leathers in the day. Oh I

1:13:26

love it. How else am I gonna eat leather?

1:13:29

It's the only way. It's

1:13:32

the only way to simulate it. Alright. I'm

1:13:34

a goat you know. I wish I would make

1:13:36

like a fruit tin can. I'd eat

1:13:38

that. Oh Bert

1:13:40

you and your eating habits. I'll tell you what. I

1:13:43

have problems right? Yeah you definitely do. But

1:13:45

you know what Reed does not because I

1:13:47

think that we're onto something here so I'm

1:13:51

sorry to not have met Will but our love to him and.

1:13:53

Yes our love to him. Will be

1:13:55

rejected. Please give

1:13:57

our love to him. Well because he sounds like. He's

1:14:00

been through a lot, you know, I really, you know,

1:14:02

and I hope that dodgeball hit goes well. Thank

1:14:04

you so much. Okay Thanks

1:14:06

for being here. Well, we are entirely on

1:14:08

board with everything you do and have done

1:14:11

Appreciate it. All right More

1:14:14

when the neighbor listen return Hi,

1:14:24

this is Tammy a Pilgrim

1:14:26

girl child I

1:14:32

Worn ones for school play Honestly,

1:14:36

you know, I don't

1:14:38

really even care about whether or not

1:14:40

you want the costume what I want

1:14:55

In her 20s The

1:14:57

pill from not a child Her

1:15:00

neck and her hands are

1:15:03

are bent in such a way that can only be

1:15:10

Her head I

1:15:28

I'll give it to you for free Welcome

1:15:43

back to the neighborhood listen Wow,

1:15:47

what a boy. Oh boy what I think honestly,

1:15:49

I gotta say it Just what a what are

1:15:51

the most memorable interviews ever almost like a Robin

1:15:53

Hood except not passing it on Not

1:15:56

passing it on hurting anyone not really

1:15:58

I mean just emotion There

1:16:00

is a part of me that's wondering if it's

1:16:02

socially irresponsible of us to sort of get so excited

1:16:05

about it and say it might turn into a fad.

1:16:07

But you know what? The world is crazy

1:16:09

enough that I really think it would be. The

1:16:11

next thing that you want someone to come and steal your food because

1:16:13

it means you're a good cook. True words were

1:16:15

never spoken. The world is so crazy right now.

1:16:18

All right. I mean I know it

1:16:20

is but it's sort of obvious. I feel

1:16:22

Joan. I feel like there's something happening with us

1:16:24

where I say something

1:16:27

sincerely sometimes and you take it as a

1:16:29

task. It's very confusing to

1:16:31

me. Because it makes me think do

1:16:34

I not have control of my own intonation?

1:16:37

I have never related to you

1:16:39

more my friend. We

1:16:45

gotta go to Rummy Tummy after this. Oh

1:16:47

well you guys are gonna go out for a drink again? It's been a

1:16:49

year or so. It's been a while. I'd love to. We

1:16:52

should. Want golden tea? Please if they

1:16:54

got the 2022 version. No.

1:16:57

I didn't get the 2022 version before you guys. Did they really?

1:16:59

Yes. Hello. Joan

1:17:03

I'm so sorry. We did get carried

1:17:05

away. I'll carry your robe. The

1:17:07

back of it. Oh yeah. Oh no

1:17:09

I can't. You have to be careful. Do you have

1:17:11

to get that dry cleaned? Yeah I can't take

1:17:13

that to the bar. Oh god. Listen. I'll

1:17:16

explain what happens in my brain. I'll

1:17:18

explain what happens in my brain. Sometimes you'll

1:17:21

repeat what I said. And

1:17:23

when I hear it I'm like oh

1:17:26

that actually is a kind of obvious thing to say.

1:17:28

You know and now I'm in my head thinking. I'm

1:17:30

hearing my words back. I was like well they could

1:17:32

have come out more profound. And I miss that you

1:17:35

are. I don't think that you are. So my reaction

1:17:37

is hate against myself. Not

1:17:39

me speaking that you're insulting. Does

1:17:41

that make sense? It does and sometimes and

1:17:43

I know it's tricky for you because sometimes I

1:17:46

am repeating what you said because it was

1:17:48

ludicrous. And sometimes I'm repeating because I agree.

1:17:51

And how are you to know the difference? Well listen I

1:17:53

think they were all still reeling from crime and

1:17:56

cry. And I know that that's

1:17:58

a thing. So from what? crime

1:18:00

and cry when you thought I said crime

1:18:02

and cry of course oh

1:18:05

what a fiasco I believe you thought he said

1:18:08

crime that's right I thought he said crime

1:18:10

mm-hmm it doesn't matter like it's all water and

1:18:12

how about we've been really

1:18:15

I don't think that you're insulting me and I'm

1:18:17

sorry that it confused okay because I would never join you

1:18:19

and you're my dear friend of course I don't want to insult

1:18:21

you one of my best friends one

1:18:23

of my best friends out of the home

1:18:25

out of the home outside of an outside home best friend

1:18:28

okay with that okay so there's home

1:18:30

friends there's work friends there's outside the

1:18:32

home friends who you don't work

1:18:34

with but we do work together because we do this

1:18:36

podcast yeah so am

1:18:39

I a double you're a double friend and so

1:18:41

are you Doug yeah I'm a double friend you're

1:18:43

a work husband do you know what you're

1:18:45

both my work husbands in a weird way

1:18:47

for me your work husband you

1:18:49

have a work husband me yes but

1:18:51

then also I work with my husband

1:18:54

yeah that's wild you're a

1:18:56

double husband do what you

1:18:58

love never work a day in your

1:19:00

life are you talking about a plan married to me yeah

1:19:06

how about my suggestion for this

1:19:08

the dodgeball throw oh

1:19:11

I thought we all oh oh s goes

1:19:13

out where we're gonna go back and say

1:19:15

what we all enjoyed so we said I

1:19:18

just thought that was a pretty impressive suggestion

1:19:20

for me I can't remember babe I'm so

1:19:22

sorry can you remind me to hire someone

1:19:25

the higher the dodgeball that will be redacted

1:19:27

yes I don't really understand how that scenario

1:19:29

is gonna work out for them because I feel

1:19:31

like unless will is just really

1:19:33

not intelligent he's gonna know something's up kind

1:19:36

of doesn't sound like the smartest I guess it's kind of true do

1:19:43

you want to take another crack at Santa I feel

1:19:45

like you should keep bringing

1:19:47

another crack well

1:19:50

I mean I feel like

1:19:53

you're still finding it right

1:19:55

it's been a while okay

1:19:57

now that's just a grotesque I'm

1:19:59

the best imitation of a French

1:20:01

person. What

1:20:05

you have a queen by? Okay,

1:20:14

so it's still coming. You wanted

1:20:16

to train? That

1:20:21

reminds me, what should I be doing in this

1:20:23

Santa shop, the workshop? I

1:20:27

was always the one that wrapped all the presents,

1:20:29

got all the gifts, you know, that thing where

1:20:32

the kiddo is like opening a

1:20:34

present and then Doug will be like, Hey, you got,

1:20:36

oh, and then you realize he got excited

1:20:38

about the toys that when Matt and... Matt

1:20:42

Junior. Matt Junior would open a present and

1:20:44

Doug will be like, Hey, it's the, oh, gift we

1:20:47

gave you, right? You know, because he didn't see any

1:20:49

of the gifts, you know, because like I bought them

1:20:51

all. It just is what it is. You know, you'll

1:20:53

be great. But if

1:20:55

you did, can you

1:20:58

draw? Uh, a little

1:21:00

bit. If you...

1:21:03

So you can draw a skull and crossbones. It

1:21:06

looks really friendly. What? Oh,

1:21:08

because you guys have the... Why did you... You

1:21:10

don't always draw the poison, homemade poison. What

1:21:13

are we talking about? When

1:21:16

you would try to warn me against, you know, eating

1:21:18

something. Yeah. Or, you

1:21:20

know, doing a little posters of skull and

1:21:23

crossbones leftovers. And

1:21:25

they're always smiling really big. Yeah. That's

1:21:28

right. I had to get locks for all

1:21:30

the cupboards, but everyone just busted through them. They thought it was

1:21:32

a game or a challenge. So I ended up having to draw,

1:21:34

yes, like skull and crossbones and everything. So what is it that

1:21:37

you want me to do? I

1:21:39

think you should draw a comic strip about

1:21:42

what it's like to

1:21:45

be a married mom. I

1:21:48

mean, that might be a good idea, but I

1:21:50

prefer this medium. And you know why? Because there's

1:21:52

no, like, comments that I have to, like, look

1:21:54

at. Very true. Very true.

1:21:58

So, so I'm good as... I'm

1:22:00

going to respectfully decline that. But

1:22:02

thank you for the suggestion. I

1:22:05

can't be a threat. You respectfully declined.

1:22:07

Okay. Thank you. I

1:22:10

accept your declination. Oh, my what? Declination.

1:22:12

My declination. Okay, got it.

1:22:14

All right. So, uh, we have time for one more

1:22:16

post. We have time

1:22:18

for one more post, which I am

1:22:20

now pulled up. You get it. Dolly.

1:22:23

Dolly. You like a Dolly to cry? Oh,

1:22:26

now that way. Hey, hey, hey. Hey, hey, hey. Oh,

1:22:29

that one is very, um, I think

1:22:31

you are. You're,

1:22:34

you're, you're, you're traveling through Europe in terms

1:22:36

of your accents. And,

1:22:39

and, uh, we, I just don't think we've hit on it yet. I

1:22:43

would go with no. And

1:22:48

in some cases, I'm a little worried about

1:22:50

the Santa in some of these cases, um,

1:22:54

and his cognitive ability. So let's

1:22:56

maybe just try no access. I'm

1:22:59

not the part that's hard for me is

1:23:02

I'm not trying to do an accident at all. Wow.

1:23:05

I really am. I'm just trying to do a voice. Oh,

1:23:08

I see. Okay. Oh,

1:23:10

Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh,

1:23:14

Oh, Oh, Oh,

1:23:17

Oh, Oh, Oh,

1:23:21

Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh,

1:23:24

Oh, Oh, Oh,

1:23:27

Oh, Oh. Oh,

1:23:30

Oh, Oh, Oh,

1:23:33

Oh, Oh, Oh,

1:23:38

What important question is this Why

1:23:42

are ain't that the most? So

1:23:51

why do you make these

1:23:53

smaller pieces so they keepake. Because

1:23:58

as soon you take them from Facebook, I

1:24:00

was picturing... I forgot about that. If you

1:24:02

could just imagine the magical little

1:24:05

place that I was picturing. Well, that's what I

1:24:07

thought, but I think he's now just moved it. Why

1:24:10

did you do that? Well, I

1:24:12

figured... Why did you do that? Why

1:24:14

did you do that? We have the

1:24:16

air compressor in here. We have oil.

1:24:19

We have various tools. What toys are

1:24:21

you going to make? What

1:24:24

oily toys are you

1:24:27

going to make? What oily compressed toys

1:24:29

are you going to make? Santa,

1:24:33

please bring me the

1:24:36

Star Wars action figure. Please, please, no, please. I

1:24:38

am an oily compressed. I am an oily compressed.

1:24:40

Please, please, make an oily... I've been good all

1:24:42

year, please. Oh, that's closer. What you want, you

1:24:44

dog? That's compressed? What the hell you're doing? I

1:24:46

guess it is possible to laugh that way naturally.

1:24:56

Okay, here's a post. This

1:25:00

is just again how I've talked about

1:25:02

this before, that sometimes, well, as with

1:25:04

all things on apps

1:25:06

and social media, sometimes we're just looking for validation

1:25:08

because I'm not quite sure what any of us

1:25:10

is supposed to say. This is a post from

1:25:12

Terry in Oak Canyon. Hi,

1:25:14

Terry. Hi, Terry. We haven't been saying

1:25:16

hi to the people in the post. We haven't really

1:25:19

said it before. We said hi to

1:25:21

the one Argentinian who we have no idea his name

1:25:23

is. Please get out of us. Get out of us. This

1:25:27

says, here's another room I staged in my mother's house.

1:25:29

This time, the living room. What do you think? And

1:25:32

look, it's just, I have

1:25:34

to be honest, as a realtor, I've staged many houses.

1:25:36

Is this okay? But what are we

1:25:38

to do? Is this really

1:25:40

what Nextdoor should be used for? I

1:25:42

thought that we're sort of alerting people to dangers or

1:25:45

finding lost dogs and turtles and

1:25:47

watching out for coyotes. Is one better than the other? I

1:25:49

just don't know. It looks like a real lateral

1:25:51

move to me. It looks like an absolutely lateral move.

1:25:53

There is no difference in the two pictures,

1:25:55

not even a different angle. And that bothers

1:25:57

me again as a realtor. you

1:26:00

think that this person has said? I don't know

1:26:02

because I said another. Yeah. Oh and in this

1:26:04

case yeah in this case I'm going to assume

1:26:06

well who knows I don't know. DJ Khaled of Steve's

1:26:09

rooms. But I

1:26:12

mean this is I'm sorry did she

1:26:14

did she stage all the loose pieces

1:26:16

of paper on the coffee table? You

1:26:19

know what I bet that she did so

1:26:22

that to make the other picture look better. Oh

1:26:24

is it clean? Like look before there was a bunch of

1:26:26

shit on the table now there isn't. Oh I

1:26:29

see this is the before and after. I'm

1:26:31

assuming. Yeah but it barely looks like it.

1:26:33

She's forcing it. Terry is forcing us to

1:26:35

do a lot of the heavy lifting here

1:26:37

in understanding what it is that he's accountable.

1:26:39

All that happened is she got a rectangular table, cleaned

1:26:41

it. Yeah. I mean to be honest the other table

1:26:43

would have been fine you just need to clean it.

1:26:45

Yeah. And then a circular chair

1:26:48

and that's it. A circular stool. Okay

1:26:50

and add it up to land. Listen

1:26:52

I'm not trying to dump on

1:26:55

Terry's interior design but I just feel like sometimes

1:26:57

there's just a misuse of the app where I

1:26:59

just don't know it's like yes

1:27:01

okay good good great job. Yeah. And it's

1:27:03

not that I don't want to be encouraging

1:27:05

to people in life but. Whoa.

1:27:08

I think Terry is this somehow is this

1:27:10

tied to a professional thing? Is she or

1:27:12

is she trying to get into the real

1:27:14

estate game? I mean

1:27:17

there's there's no room. I got news for

1:27:19

her. Wow. There's no room. It's all jammed up. As

1:27:21

you know I mean I was considering

1:27:24

drastic changes just to stay in the game myself.

1:27:27

I know. Although it does

1:27:29

give me an idea. Oh go on. Really? Well

1:27:31

maybe I haven't shot the pilot yet but

1:27:34

maybe she could be a storyline. Maybe because

1:27:36

now I feel bad about sort of like

1:27:38

being sort of a little critical. Right. Maybe

1:27:40

it's sort of like an apprenticeship type thing.

1:27:43

Maybe maybe I should contact Terry. You can tell

1:27:45

her your face that she doesn't know. No no no I

1:27:47

just say here's how here's how we could maybe make

1:27:49

this a little better and if you are serious about

1:27:51

this. If you are serious about this well let me

1:27:53

take you under my wing you know. Maybe maybe I

1:27:55

need someone I mean I want to the pilot is

1:27:57

supposed to be me helping all these young people wanting

1:27:59

to to get into the game but what if it's

1:28:01

someone who sort of I just get this sense that

1:28:04

she's older. She says it's her mom's room. I'm assuming

1:28:06

her mom is older. I don't think that this is

1:28:08

a teenager who decorated her mom's room,

1:28:10

right? She's an older woman. I get the sense

1:28:12

that she's an older woman. It takes me to

1:28:14

know one and I believe

1:28:16

that that's someone who wants a second

1:28:18

career maybe. Well, if it turns out to be 10 years old. I

1:28:24

mean, then I would be impressed. Right? And I would

1:28:26

be impressed. Then I'd say, well, I hope I work for you

1:28:28

someday. Well, then why don't we operate under the

1:28:30

assumption that she is 10 and

1:28:32

then we can be impressed by this and it will have

1:28:35

served a purpose. I guess, I guess. We know she's

1:28:37

not 10 now. I would imagine a 10 year

1:28:39

old would be using neighbor Hap Snap. You're

1:28:42

right. It's the cooler version. Yeah,

1:28:45

I bet they'd be using neighbor Snap. The

1:28:50

messages disappear. Yes.

1:28:53

There's also like, I think a parody

1:28:55

of us on neighbor Hap Snap. What?

1:28:58

Yes. You didn't see it. What?

1:29:01

I don't know. They're pretty gross caricatures. What

1:29:04

would they even make fun of? Good

1:29:08

question. Oh, good question. Well, anyways,

1:29:12

I am not going to go fishing for that. I'm not

1:29:14

going to go looking for it. Okay. Heaven knows I don't

1:29:17

need that. I'm already self-conscious enough as it is. I

1:29:19

know. But we're all very glad that you're not going through

1:29:21

with the TFC. As of yet,

1:29:23

we are not. I reserve the right

1:29:25

to change my mind at any point. A

1:29:28

warrior face. That's

1:29:33

right. I can change

1:29:35

my mind about my face anytime I want,

1:29:37

Doug. Well, anyways,

1:29:40

all of you out there whose faces I can see, I

1:29:42

hope that you are well and we'll see you

1:29:44

next time. I don't know. I don't do this

1:29:47

part. You wanted me to do, you know, to

1:29:49

try it, but like, I don't, you

1:29:51

know. I didn't ask you to do this. Now,

1:29:56

see, in that case, it does seem like you were

1:29:58

saying something to me. a

1:30:00

little critical. Now is this me? Am I imagining

1:30:02

things? Uh-oh.

1:30:04

You nailed that one. Okay, good. Okay, good. Oh

1:30:08

no, I didn't like it. I really didn't like it.

1:30:10

It feels bad. Really gave me a shiver. All

1:30:13

right, well thank you so much for joining

1:30:16

us on The Neighborhood Listen. Did I already

1:30:18

tell them about CBB World? I

1:30:20

don't think so, but it wouldn't hurt to say it again. You

1:30:23

know what? You're right. Maybe I'll say it three

1:30:26

times for a reason. Okay. But listen, if you

1:30:28

would like to hear ad-free versions of The Neighborhood

1:30:30

Listen, or if you would like to have access

1:30:32

to the bonus room where we have bonus

1:30:35

episodes that cover all sorts of

1:30:37

things outside of the neighborhood app,

1:30:40

but in the world of the

1:30:42

neighborhood. Wow. You

1:30:49

go to cbbworld.com, sign up on the

1:30:52

Maximus tier, and a world of

1:30:54

treasures awaits you. Yes. All

1:30:57

right, well, we'll be back. This is completely

1:30:59

maybe a supercut of burnt science. We'll

1:31:02

be back next week with more The Neighborhood Listen. Until

1:31:04

then, goodbye. Goodbye. All

1:31:09

of the posts used in this episode will reel.

1:31:11

Only some geographical specifics have been changed. The

1:31:13

Neighborhood Listen is hosted and produced by

1:31:15

me, Paul F. Tompkins. And me, Nicole

1:31:17

Parker. And me, Brett Morris. This episode's

1:31:19

guest is played by Lauren Ashley Smoltz.

1:31:21

The Neighborhood Listen is a production of

1:31:23

Comedy Bang Bang World. Go to cbbworld.com

1:31:25

to unlock the entire history of the

1:31:27

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1:31:34

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1:31:38

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