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Bite. Hi, I'm Paul F.

1:18

Tompkins. And I'm Nicole Parker. On this

1:20

podcast, we improvise in character using real

1:23

posts from a popular neighborhood networking website.

1:25

Occasionally, we change the names of some streets.

1:27

And that's all you need to know. To

1:30

support the show and unlock the ad-free archive

1:32

as well as exclusive monthly episodes of The

1:34

Bonus Room, go to cbbworld.com and sign up

1:36

for a Maximus membership. And now, please

1:38

enjoy this episode of The Neighborhood

1:41

Listen. Knock,

1:43

knock. Who's there? Your

1:45

neighbor. Good. In

1:48

Dignity Falls, you're never alone. You've

1:50

got the neighbor half-app and us. Burn.

1:53

And Jote, from coyotes to male sap to weird

1:55

things to sell. We'll cover it all. And meet

1:57

new neighbors as well. Well, Jote, back to you.

2:00

any post you're missing so

2:02

just tune in to The

2:05

Neighborhood Listen. Welcome

2:10

once again to The Neighborhood Listen. This

2:13

is the podcast that explores the neighborhood

2:15

of Dignity Falls and I am one

2:17

of its residents. My name is Burnt

2:19

Mia Paine, I'm the pharmacist in chief

2:21

at the Dignity Falls, Missy Pharmacy here

2:24

in Dignity Falls. And with me as

2:26

always is... Joan Pedestrian.

2:28

Oh that was a new one. I didn't

2:30

know you were going to send it right over to me. I didn't

2:32

either Joan. It's a good thing I was listening. Joan,

2:34

I couldn't agree more.

2:37

You know sometimes I have to be honest I do start

2:39

this podcast my all these things I want to say and then

2:41

I realize that while you're talking I'm thinking of the things I

2:43

want to say. Sometimes that happens. Right. Does that ever happen to

2:45

you? And then you're just waiting for a pause and then you

2:47

think I bet I should say my name. And a lot

2:49

of people say that's a sign of a bad actor because you

2:51

know if you're just sitting on stage and you're just waiting for

2:53

that actor to stop talking you're just going to say you're lying.

2:56

Now let me ask you this Joan because people should know that you

2:58

are the top realtor.

3:02

You are the top realtor at Dignity Falls

3:04

but you're also quite a talented

3:07

thespian. Well amateur only. Well

3:09

that's... What's that?

3:11

That sounds bad? That sounds bad. It's just

3:13

because you're making the only I think is

3:15

what really brings it home. Only. Let's

3:19

just say amateur. Have

3:22

you ever had a professional acting job?

3:24

Oh my gosh you know I don't know if this

3:26

counts but I

3:29

was in a training video

3:31

for police. Uh-huh. Here in

3:34

Dignity Falls? This was when

3:36

I was a child. Wow. Yes. I

3:39

was playing the child of the cop who comes home.

3:41

Oh no and the family

3:43

is so mad at him right? Well

3:47

it is hard for him to balance work and life

3:49

at home. Absolutely. And I remember I had to take

3:51

a bite of a burger fifty times and I got

3:54

so sick to my stomach because no one told me

3:56

I could spit it out. Oh no. How many burgers

3:58

do you think you hate the equivalent of? I

6:00

could really, that would really help out. I

6:02

was nine and 10 months.

6:04

No, that doesn't work. Yeah. And

6:09

did the money go to your parents? It

6:12

did, but they put it in like a special

6:14

account for me. And when

6:17

I graduated from high school and they got

6:19

me my own bank account, that $50 was

6:22

waiting for me. Wow, that's nice. You

6:24

know, cause a lot of child actors, it doesn't work

6:26

out so good. So that's nice

6:28

that they held onto that 50. No,

6:31

I didn't have to like divorce myself from them or

6:33

what have you. It was not that dramatic. Legal emancipation,

6:35

of course. I don't know much about your

6:38

parents, and I do know that your mother, if

6:40

a UFO comes, she will join the UFO and

6:42

she will deserve her family. No questions asked. She

6:44

told me this as a child. It was not

6:47

a small bit traumatizing. It was a lot traumatizing.

6:49

And I know she says Trader Joe. She says Trader

6:51

Joe, but that helps because we only have a Trader Joe

6:53

here. We only have a Trader Joe, yes. But

6:56

she doesn't live in Dignity Falls. You know,

6:58

they moved to Palm Springs, which is why

7:00

I do know a lot about California cause

7:02

I'm out there, you know, every now and

7:05

again. Absolutely. But they are out there. They're

7:07

doing fine. My dad was

7:09

a pilot. Really? Yes, he was.

7:11

He was just a pilot for

7:13

Dignity Falls. So he was just, he

7:15

piloted people from, you know, one end of the city to

7:17

the other. Right. That

7:20

was, I gotta say, I think

7:22

there was more trouble than it was worth because it was

7:25

such a shock. The car could be there. It

7:30

took longer to wait to take off than

7:33

I think you could get across down on foot. It did. Cause

7:36

they have a lot of security checks here at the

7:38

Dignity Falls airport. We were ahead of the curve on

7:40

that. Yeah. Absolutely. I mean, we

7:42

have a first one to add a bird

7:44

check because there are, what's weird is they

7:47

haven't done this. They built the airport on

7:49

half of a wetland, but they didn't, they

7:51

only. And the other half of the cemetery,

7:53

they moved the headstones, but not the bodies. So.

14:00

every type so we even have zoo nuts

14:02

which isn't even um it's for

14:04

animals at the zoo you

14:06

pour it in some milk

14:08

it's cereal you pour it

14:10

in some milk all

14:15

right I don't I don't know that you should be eating zoo

14:17

pellets well we needed

14:30

some Z's what's your X cereal it's like

14:32

triple X it's a novel tea triple

14:44

X cinnamon treats you know I kind of feel

14:46

bad I kind of feel bad for young

15:06

people in a way because when

15:08

they're searching for porn online they're

15:11

probably getting immediately the most hardcore stuff oh

15:13

sure and when you were when I was

15:16

kid you there were definite levels and I

15:18

remember the shocking thing when you would get

15:20

the really disgusting magazine I mean it was

15:22

first it was just the JC penny catalog

15:24

right of course right and then but maybe

15:26

at best it was just a picture you

15:28

know it was a took a while before

15:30

you get your hands on a movie course

15:32

my god absolutely let alone of getting on

15:34

the internet you know but it

15:36

is it is very I was just thinking about that

15:38

too earlier today burnt that is so strange here's what

15:41

I imagine now kids are searching for porn it goes

15:43

right to snuff films like

15:45

that's the top hit well

15:49

Bert when I woke up this morning I didn't

15:51

imagine we'd be discussing stuff films and you would

15:53

have brought it up on our podcast but

15:55

here we are oh

15:59

are you 19,

22:00

20. All right. What do you think, burn? Should

22:02

I think it's about 19 20? He's

22:04

not even sure. Yeah. I

22:06

don't know. No screen. No, that's right.

22:08

You have no screen. Oh, I'm

22:11

still going to go in and see this place for

22:13

myself. This is also Doug will not look at screens.

22:16

Oh yeah. That's right. We are trying to cut

22:18

down Doug's screen time. It's true. Yeah. And this

22:20

certainly seems a better use of time. All

22:23

right. We should be,

22:25

he does sound happy. Sitting in my

22:27

cockpit, my internet sort of cockpit chair.

22:30

I can swivel all around 360 degrees. I

22:33

can look out the window, been measuring the sun.

22:36

Measure on this arc. Okay. You

22:38

know, since we started. Now say, you know, I've

22:40

wondered about this of all the rooms in our houses

22:42

that I thought there might be one room that finally

22:44

makes Doug go mad. And I think

22:46

this might be it. I think we should maybe not let him stay

22:48

in there for too long. The sun

22:51

chamber nearly brought me down. The sun chamber

22:53

really was very intense for you. I hope

22:55

you have discontinued that room. Now

22:57

we've locked it. We've locked it off. It

23:00

says discontinued as triple X. The noise of that. More milk

23:02

on it. It's triple X. What's your L cereal go. Lucky

23:06

tone. There we go. That was

23:08

a neat. I thought I'd get you. I thought I'd get

23:10

you. All right. Well, we will

23:12

take a break and when we return, we'll have a guest here

23:15

on the neighborhood. Listen. Hi

23:23

everybody. It's Nicole. You know what? I love

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23:58

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24:01

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24:05

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24:07

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24:10

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24:12

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24:14

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24:17

is that how you say it?

24:19

Sometimes where I'm from. Chinos. You

24:23

don't know where someone's from until you've

24:25

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24:27

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24:29

got a pair of these very nice

24:31

looking lounge pants. Oh, lounge pants. Absolutely

24:33

wear out in the world and nobody

24:35

be like, who are you, Nick Nolte

24:37

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24:41

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26:23

everybody this is Vanessa and I

26:25

am selling a Ray

26:28

Dunn happy sign for three dollars it's

26:30

in great condition it's a sign that

26:32

says be happy and you

26:34

know what I just can't take it anymore

26:37

I can't take the

26:39

pressure anymore you know I

26:41

turn the corner and that sign is

26:43

there with it it's smug Instagrammable font

26:45

and I just can't you know some

26:47

days I just can't be happy okay

26:50

so it's someone else's turn it's someone

26:52

else's turn you have to be happy

26:54

every damn day okay so come get

26:56

this thing at three dollars and

26:59

be happy I

27:02

won't go back to the neighborhood listen like

27:06

someone pinched ya oh did

27:08

I sound strange not strange just like

27:10

someone pinched you like oh sound

27:12

a little Santa Claus oh

27:19

now that was a lot was flirting very

27:21

close and

27:23

we're cold again and the face

27:25

to go with it oh

27:28

everybody anyways so

27:30

we do what you know you're very good at this preamble

27:33

when you explain what we do here on listen

27:35

here's what we do in the neighborhood listen and this is a preamble for

27:37

you what we

27:39

do is we scour the neighbor half the

27:42

social networking for neighborhoods where neighbors

27:44

can talk to each other and

27:46

we look for interesting posts so we

27:48

can introduce some of our neighbors and if

27:50

he falls to the general public and

27:52

if you would like to do that if you

27:55

see an interesting post and maybe we miss you

27:57

can screenshot it and send it to us at

27:59

burnt and Joan at gmail.com

28:02

and we may read it on the air. And this

28:04

one, did this one come from a listener? I think

28:06

it might, yes it did. This one

28:08

came from Jason Moss. Jason

28:11

Moss. Thank you Jason Moss. Well this is

28:13

Christina and Christina says, hey

28:15

I just saw a dying raccoon. If

28:17

you see it by your house, period. May

28:20

I see it? May I please see

28:22

it for a pelt? Huh.

28:26

I know that is weird. Okay, well. But

28:28

this thing was beautiful. And I

28:30

want to make sure it lives another day. I

28:33

know this is random but dot dot

28:35

dot slash figured. I'd

28:38

keep an eye out for it. I

28:40

tried to keep it alive all day

28:42

and I don't want her beauty to

28:45

just die. Wow, that is quite a

28:47

post. And we have Christina here. Christina,

28:49

hi, how are you? Is this chair

28:52

stable? Oh goodness, yes. Well I mean it

28:54

is sort of, you know, as we you

28:56

know, we record around my kitchen island and

28:58

it's sort of a stool with a backing.

29:00

But would you prefer, would you prefer something

29:02

lower to the ground? Yeah, I'm on it.

29:04

Okay, okay. I'm on

29:06

it now. Okay. I'm

29:08

Christina Pham.

29:11

Christina Pham? Okay. Nice to meet

29:13

you. Well it's nice to meet

29:15

you. Oh, okay. I listen.

29:18

We, well, okay. Time

29:21

is of the essence. Oh, yes.

29:24

So now, yeah, wait, can we ask you a few questions?

29:26

Yes, we just have a few questions. Yeah. Oh, did

29:29

you not know that was going to be a part of it? I didn't. Okay.

29:32

Can I ask first, has anyone, I

29:34

take it you have not gotten any responses? No.

29:37

And that's why you're here. Yeah. To spread the word. Okay.

29:40

My nephew drove me here and he's idling. Oh,

29:42

he's in the car outside? Yes, he is. Okay.

29:44

I mean, he can come in if he'd like

29:46

to. I mean, I don't want him to feel

29:48

like he's not welcome. It took so long to

29:50

get him to come out of the house and drive me

29:52

here. Why is that? He is, he

29:55

lives in the basement. Oh, your

29:57

basement? Yes. Okay. And

29:59

he. He just, he's shy. Okay.

30:02

And he's too good for any woman in this

30:05

town. Well, I have a lot

30:07

more questions about your nephew, but I think we need

30:09

to deal with the raccoon of it all first. Absolutely.

30:11

So you found, just to recap for everybody, you found,

30:13

you saw a raccoon on the road. What

30:15

did you assess its injuries to be? What is it dying

30:17

from? Yes, how did you know that it was dying? I

30:21

was power walking on William Henry Harrison

30:23

Road. And I heard

30:25

a cough and I know what that cough is,

30:27

because we used to have raccoons in the cypress

30:29

tree outside my house. Okay. And

30:32

I know all of the sounds they used

30:34

to communicate. Oh, okay. And I said that

30:36

as a late stage rabies raccoon. Oh, no.

30:38

Oh, wow. Over seven years, which is

30:40

usually that's borrowed time. Oh, really?

30:42

And I went over to it

30:44

and I know enough, these raccoons,

30:46

they're rabid, they're rabid. All

30:49

of them? Or you mean when they're rabid? When

30:51

they're rabid, they're rabid. Matt, if you look at

30:53

a raccoon. When they're rabid, they're rabid. I wish they

30:55

would cough into their elbow. That's my

30:57

husband, Doug. He's the engineer. He's in the internet

30:59

right now. Is he in heaven?

31:01

Babe, I don't think they could reach him because

31:04

they have such short hands and arms. But

31:06

they hold out their fist the way like little

31:08

toddlers do when they cough. Boy, oh boy.

31:10

Just bring it right closer to the mouth at least.

31:12

I haven't seen them cough, I guess. Maybe

31:15

I haven't, didn't realize it. I didn't know

31:17

raccoons cough so much. They can cough. They don't have

31:19

very big lungs. Oh, Bert just did it. He uses

31:21

elbows. It doesn't sound like that. I appreciate that. Sure.

31:24

Well, I always carry a pipette of water around with

31:26

me. Because I have a

31:28

glass pipette of water? Just no, a little

31:30

plastic pipette of water. And I can't

31:32

have a full glass because my bladder

31:34

is very tiny. But

31:36

I have a nice pipette full. And

31:38

I said, well, this raccoon is not going

31:40

to get me. But I can give it

31:43

a drop of water at a time. And

31:45

is that what a rabid raccoon needs? Is

31:47

he dehydrated? That's true. They call it, oh,

31:49

I just hit my head on the back

31:51

of the chair. I saw that happen. Again,

31:53

it's hard to picture because normal barstools that

31:55

island just have a bag that goes up

31:57

to your mid shoulder, but mine go

31:59

above your head. Yes, they're like kind

32:01

of like a beautiful, beautiful carved

32:03

oak. And there's a

32:06

little rooster on the back. It almost has the

32:08

effect of us being little children sitting in gigantic

32:10

chairs. They're remarkably heavy as well. They

32:13

were so expensive. It wasn't worth it. I don't think.

32:16

Are you OK? I'm so sorry. I'm fine. I can't

32:18

find a pillow long enough to put up to kids.

32:20

One day you will. You have to put a body pillow,

32:22

I guess. Yeah, I think you do. OK,

32:24

so now wait a minute. Here's another question about

32:26

the rabbit raccoon. Is a rabbit raccoon, is that

32:29

just a death sentence? Because you say, you know,

32:31

it's dying. I don't know. It's an honest question.

32:33

Oh, it is. It is a certain death. OK,

32:35

OK. And it's painful and long and drawn out.

32:37

Oh, dear. But here's the thing. I

32:40

want that pelt. Right.

32:42

So here's the confusing part. You said you wanted to

32:44

extend its life at one point. Am I wrong about

32:46

it? Sounded like you wanted to help it live, but

32:48

in order to get the pelt, I'll tell you how

32:51

it right. And this is how it interpret. OK. And

32:54

correct me if I'm wrong, Christina. I will. I think

32:56

she will. I took

32:59

it to mean that you

33:01

wanted to prolong its life

33:03

by some sort of

33:05

taxidermy, just preserving

33:07

the pelt in some way so that its beauty

33:09

would live on. Yes, that's true.

33:12

I also wanted to be

33:14

the hospice of this raccoon. I was going to

33:16

get a I have one viking and that I

33:18

keep for emergencies. Right. Just one. Just the one.

33:21

That's right. OK. Lady dropped in the hospital.

33:23

I took it and I

33:25

was prepared to crush it up, put

33:27

it in the pipette and just have

33:29

for fun. Just to help

33:31

this raccoon. Oh, I'm sorry. For the

33:34

back. I thought this was a plan

33:36

for you. Now we know what you call a good time. OK. Well,

33:38

I don't know if you see

33:40

like it another floor. The hospital is there. I'll take

33:42

that. Yeah. What was the situation? You were going to

33:45

the hospital. I was visiting my

33:47

mother. Oh, I'm sorry. I was

33:49

visiting my mother who has a

33:51

certain kind of dementia where she will

33:54

attack shadows. Oh, that's hard. It's very

33:56

hard. And so I have to get

33:58

her medical. I was standing online this

34:00

lady was very excited to get her

34:02

Vicodin. She dropped one Didn't

34:07

miss one that dropped on the floor Were

34:12

they dispensing them to her They

34:15

were tossing one at a time she said let me see

34:17

if I could get it in this Well

34:19

burn, I don't think they would ever do that the Falls Missy.

34:22

Can you imagine? Oh course not What

34:24

is trade with industry pharmacies at hospitals

34:26

are in oh, no they are cool.

34:28

Yeah, they're they I don't know what it is,

34:30

but they all go crazy there. Yeah. Yeah, it's

34:32

a racket Just a lot of sweatshirts that

34:34

are like oh today is a great day

34:36

a lot of that a

34:40

lot of that Alright,

34:42

so let's get back to the raccoon That

34:50

was great Deadly

34:55

accurate Oh

34:58

dear well anyhow So

35:01

you did you do want to You

35:03

did and do want to do you

35:06

want to see this raccoon through to

35:08

death and then after and then I

35:10

would use that Fur and make myself

35:12

the smartest Fascinator

35:15

headband hat Wow what now what does that

35:17

mean? Don't see

35:19

I learned things all the tiny hats

35:22

that they wear maybe to band hat

35:24

Wow What now what does that mean? Oh, you don't

35:26

know what a fascinator is don't see I learned things

35:28

all the time It's those little tiny hats that

35:30

they wear maybe to you

35:32

see it in England a lot with the Royal Family

35:34

If there's there's some sort of event they wear these

35:36

little hats I never knew

35:39

that's what it was called Fascinator perched at

35:41

an angle on your head. Yes, I know

35:43

what you're talking about. So you want a

35:45

raccoon fascinator Yes I want to be like

35:47

a little tiny Zarena with a little fur

35:49

hat and just walk around and go to

35:51

the red Robin and just table

35:53

for one Table for one

35:56

and what shape do you anticipate the

35:58

fascinator being I was expecting? it

36:00

to look like a little fur hat

36:02

that the Russian royalty wear. Sure,

36:04

absolutely, the Russian royalty. So it turns

36:06

out it wasn't what you thought. She really does want to

36:09

skin it and then turn it into a fascinator. Yes,

36:11

okay, if you needed to say that, I wasn't...

36:17

You said that as if I...we had a

36:19

bet. Ooh, I wish we had.

36:21

I do wish we had. It's fun. I

36:23

would have won. We should make more bets on

36:25

this show. We really should. Because as everybody knows,

36:28

it was disclosed. I overt a

36:30

very shocking amount of money. We don't want to

36:32

get into it. It's fine. I feel so bad.

36:34

You shouldn't worry about that. What if I

36:36

gave you the skin from the raccoon's paws? Would

36:39

that settle up the money? I don't think

36:41

so. Are you talking about the paw pads?

36:43

That seems very strange. I could do that.

36:45

I was thinking... Is that valuable? You

36:47

could make a wristless... Is there really

36:49

enough paw skin to make a wristless... Let me look

36:52

at your wrist. No, not really. This is

36:54

very upsetting. This row is very

36:56

upsetting. My wrists are the

36:58

same size as I... My arms

37:00

don't taper. My arms don't

37:02

taper. Can you bend them for me just a... Oh, thank you. Yeah,

37:05

I mean, the wrist works. Okay. It does.

37:08

I can swivel. But it looks like it doesn't, right?

37:11

Never noticed it before, Bert. Never spent much

37:13

time looking at your hands. I can't

37:15

wear a watch because it's too distracting. No

37:18

discernible elbows. No. But

37:20

I do have from the shoulder to the wrist.

37:22

It's like a tooth. I

37:25

mean, if you need to die, I could do something with

37:27

your skin if that elbow... If I need to

37:30

die... If the elbow situation is fatal, I

37:32

said I could do something with your

37:34

skin to commemorate you. Well,

37:36

now, Kristina, I thought we were going to talk about the raccoon, but

37:38

I do have to ask... Now it's

37:40

getting interesting. No. I

37:43

hope the answer is no. Oh, no. Only

37:45

my own. What does that mean? It

37:48

means that if I have a hangnail

37:50

or some such, I can make tiny

37:52

dioramas of historic events... With

37:54

hangnails? With little hangnails? You were

37:56

kidding. I'm going to have to call a such as here.

37:58

Yeah, and on this podcast, if... someone provide

38:00

some sort of detail like that without an

38:02

example we call us such as we want

38:04

to know an example of a historic diorama

38:07

featuring your hangnails exclusively. All right.

38:09

Well, one of them was, what's the

38:11

war where the, uh, theirs was not

38:13

to do or that there was not to reason why.

38:15

The charge of the light brigade. That's it. That's it.

38:17

The charge of the light brigade. I did it.

38:19

I did it. I have

38:21

the British with an assist from Burt.

38:23

I have the Turks. I got the

38:26

Russians. Okay. How many? Okay. So hangnails,

38:28

I guess you could use eyelashes. Uh, I

38:31

guess if you have any skin tags

38:33

removed, I'm kidding. Without getting too

38:35

explicit, I do have a bit

38:38

of psoriasis and eczema. Okay. So

38:40

things, things need to

38:42

be sloughed silver lining. I saved the

38:44

sloughings from my petty

38:46

egg, a pet egg. I forgot

38:49

about pet eggs. Apologies, Danny. Don't forget

38:51

about the pen. I promise I

38:54

won't never forget about a bank. I bet

38:56

your wife could sell one really nice. Oh,

38:59

well, we're not quite there yet. Yeah.

39:02

Okay. Yeah. Okay. Well,

39:04

let's, let's put the raccoon

39:06

aside for a minute and

39:09

talk about your nephew. Now your nephew lives in

39:11

the basement. How long has he lived with you

39:13

and how old is he? He's 40. Okay. Um,

39:16

he moved into my basement at the age of 29. Uh,

39:20

why he turned out to be,

39:23

this is how it was said to me. If

39:25

he had a family, he would be

39:27

a family annihilator. He

39:29

was lying about having, he lied

39:31

about working at

39:37

build a bear for five years, five

39:39

years. He left at nine 30 every

39:41

morning to go to the mall. Wow.

39:43

Five years. He would spend nine hours

39:46

a day doing Lord knows what.

39:48

And this is when he was living with you

39:50

or his parents. He was living with his parents. But

39:52

then who says if he had a family, cause it

39:54

sounds like he did have a family, but not the

39:56

kind that we're like, Oh, I have a wife and

39:58

beautiful children and this is my perfect life. Oh, okay.

40:02

Well, anyway, they were sick of his

40:04

shenanigans. And

40:07

so he moved, and this was back when he

40:09

was in his 20s. Yes, well, he snuck into

40:11

the basement. And when I went down to check

40:14

out the heater, well, there he

40:16

was. But I want to

40:18

be the cool aunt, so I said. Okay. And

40:20

otherwise you're single, there's no one living in the

40:22

house with you? No, I had gerbils. They

40:27

had babies. You were looking around just

40:29

now as if they were with you.

40:31

Did you bring some with you? I

40:33

expected to see them every, I mean,

40:35

they were. Why? Because

40:37

they populate. They populate burnt. Oh, that is true,

40:39

they do. But then we had a couple of

40:41

litters that were all male, and then they all

40:44

died out peacefully. And then I

40:46

made a note. You made a pelt. I

40:48

made a coat. Oh, a coat. You made a

40:50

coat of gerbils. A lot of gerbils. A lot of

40:52

gerbils. A hundred reds, hundreds. You

40:55

like it? In a hundred's burnt, you can do the

40:57

math. I do.

40:59

If you had a wrist, you'd fit it. I bet

41:01

I would. If you had a wrist, you'd fit it. And

41:06

so I'm trying

41:08

to now understand why

41:10

we're talking about the nephew. Well,

41:13

he's a- What I like to do, Bern, and you know

41:15

this, I do at a certain point in the interview like

41:17

to know a little bit more about our guest's home life.

41:20

And I also just think, you know, for a

41:22

minute, I needed a break from the raccoon because

41:24

I'm having a hard time wrapping my head around

41:26

it. Of course we need to get back to

41:28

it and know if it's still alive. I have to,

41:31

I will confess that my brain

41:33

is a little muddled and I'm lagging just a little

41:35

bit behind. Oh, that's no problem. It's fine. And I

41:37

got lost after I remember the pet egg. And I

41:39

was- You were busy remembering it.

41:41

I was busy remembering that pet egg. Should

41:45

we explain what a pet egg is in case no one knows? I mean,

41:47

we had to explain the NFL football phone. The

41:51

sports illustrated football phone. Yes.

41:54

The pet egg was an egg shaped cheese

41:57

grater that you would use on your feet. It

42:00

sent me to the hospital a few times. Sure, oh

42:03

my god, absolutely. Absolutely.

42:05

People go to town with that thing. Oh, it was a food grade.

42:08

Do you remember when that thing came out and

42:11

we sold out of crazy glue in Dignity Falls

42:14

because people were using it for

42:16

its intended purpose from the Vietnam War

42:18

as skin. Yes, a lot of

42:20

people know that. That that is what

42:22

it was initially invented for. Yes, it was supposed to

42:24

keep wounds held together and that's why it only works

42:26

on your hands. It

42:29

was meant to save soldiers that

42:31

now only toddlers stick their hand

42:34

to the wall with it. Is that why it's called

42:36

crazy glue? Yeah. Some soldier is

42:38

just like, that's crazy, man. Yeah.

42:41

I think that's the exact origin. I think that's

42:43

exactly how it happened today. Some soldier said, that's

42:46

crazy, man. And

42:48

that soldier's name, Glue. Last

42:51

name. All crazy glue. Okay,

42:54

well let's get back to the raccoon burn. Let's really,

42:56

let's dig in. Okay, let's jump back in. Why

42:59

were you, I guess I have to

43:01

ask, did you assume that this raccoon was a

43:03

pet that you saw dying by the side

43:05

of the road? And that's why you had to post

43:07

and ask permission. Yeah,

43:09

that is a good point. Thank you, Joan. It

43:12

was sticking to the driveway and the way

43:14

it looked towards the house, I mean, there

43:16

was a lot of, there was some oozings.

43:18

Oh dear. But the way it looked at

43:20

the house, I thought, oh, I hear, I see

43:22

what you mean. This is home. The house

43:24

that it was nearby or yours? The

43:27

house that it was nearby. I was on my power walk.

43:29

Okay. That's why you thought it was

43:31

a pet, maybe. Yes. Okay. But

43:34

from what I know about raccoons, I think it is now

43:36

in a state of being where it's, its

43:39

sentience has crossed over to the others. Oh

43:42

no, and you're starting to see like grandfather

43:44

raccoon, like ancestors. So

43:46

I want it

43:48

before someone grabs it, but I'm

43:51

going to save the vicodin for myself. Okay,

43:53

that's a good idea. I guess I'm still,

43:55

you know, people usually want to come on

43:57

and spread the word about this, about their,

44:00

their power. Did you receive any responses or

44:02

no? We've covered this, Joan. Okay,

44:04

well maybe I'm lagging now. I could remember what

44:06

her answer was. All

44:09

I know is my nephew, Preston. I'm

44:11

busy thinking about the origin of crazy glue. Is

44:15

that where you turned off? I'm really hung up on

44:17

it. That's crazy, man. Private Edgar

44:19

Glue. Private Edgar

44:21

Glue. Thank

44:24

you for your service. Oh, no,

44:26

not me. Oh, I'm sorry. Oh, that's your

44:28

first. I'm underserved. Yes, I am not private.

44:30

Nice to meet you. I'm not private. Really

44:33

quickly, how old are you? Oh, a

44:35

lady never asks and a lady

44:37

never tells. I

44:39

don't know that sentence. What's the

44:42

rest of that song? A lady ever asks

44:44

and a lady never tells. Please

44:46

be polite because if

44:48

something smells, no one

44:50

wants to know, especially

44:52

if at their home.

44:55

Buy war bonds. That's beautiful. I like

44:57

that ending. Yeah, I think you should. Good

44:59

investment. Good investment. Where's Sparse?

45:01

Well, good for you being a power walker at 80.

45:07

Wait, what was that? We're

45:09

a warring nation. We're Sparta. So buy those

45:11

war bonds. From 300. We

45:15

are the warring nation. Wow. That's

45:20

why all my skin filing

45:22

historical monuments are of war.

45:24

Oh, I see. You said you

45:27

power walked on William Henry Harrison. That's

45:29

right. Do you have a license? To walk.

45:31

Yeah, they have power walking license. Oh

45:34

yeah, you might not have known about this.

45:36

Oh, it was fairly recent. Yeah. Babe,

45:38

I can't remember why. Why do you need a license? Well,

45:40

there were just so many power walkers. Oh, that

45:43

is true. Yes. It became the V place to

45:45

power walk. I think it's a bit of a

45:47

racket because you have to go through power walking

45:49

training and somebody has to hold

45:51

your hand. Well, and there's no governmental oversight

45:54

of this. I think it's just scammers. We

45:56

had to come up with our own series of hornhongs

45:58

with our mouths. Beep beep. Why did

46:00

you need horn honks? Because we need to

46:02

pass each other. Oh, I see. Because there's

46:04

so many. Would they take pelts at the

46:07

licensing office? I don't think you should. I

46:09

don't think you should be giving them anything. I think it's a scam. Oh,

46:12

all right. I'll take my chances then. So

46:18

what is the state of the raccoon at this

46:20

moment? I know that it's transitioning. Great question, Joan.

46:23

I know that it's transitioning, but I mean, how many days

46:25

do you think it has left? Is it hooked up to

46:27

anything? How do you, what is going on? I

46:31

made a makeshift IV

46:33

saline solution from my AccuView

46:35

and the pipette. And

46:38

that he or she. So you got

46:40

contact lens solution going into his body? Yes, because it's

46:42

a saline. And so that should buy

46:44

us some time. The

46:47

circulation stopped in the feet, which

46:50

is always a sign that the time is... How

46:52

did you measure that? Oh, I

46:54

just, I massaged his tiny tote pads.

46:56

Okay. And then... I can tell

46:59

there was no blood getting in there. Oh, you would be

47:01

able to tell. Oh, she got scared. You would be able

47:03

to tell. Adam and about this. They have a very

47:05

strong foot pulse. Oh, absolutely. We don't know.

47:07

You're educating us. It's where their chi is

47:09

located and their tiny little foot pads. Wow.

47:12

But they're adorable little nails. And

47:14

so the circulation and the shallow breathing,

47:16

and so I'm guessing if he sees

47:18

the morning, we'll be lucky. Oh dear.

47:20

Aren't you worried about, do

47:22

you feel like you need to be there as he transitions

47:24

for his last breath? To hold his little hand? Yeah. I

47:27

would love to be there, but I needed

47:29

to snack. But

47:31

I'm thinking raccoons usually are in

47:33

huge packs of 35 or more. They're usually

47:36

around in college. That was another question I had.

47:38

I wondered if any of them have showed up

47:40

at like the back door. That they'll do that

47:42

sometimes. If they know one of their own is,

47:44

I don't know. Have there been any family members

47:46

that have come to claim him? I heard rustlings,

47:48

but I have a wild imagination. And

47:51

so you just kept, okay. Meaning anything could be

47:53

a rustle. Like you mean you don't want to imagine

47:55

this a raccoon. It could just be something else. It

47:57

could have been a bird. I actually thought there were

47:59

gerbils here. That's right. Oh, there. Oh, we won't

48:01

know who's next fight. No, they're right. That we

48:03

know of. But let me,

48:05

but so, so, okay. So if I understand

48:08

the timeline, your power walking past, you

48:10

see the dying raccoon, you check

48:12

on him, check his vitals, you

48:14

rig up an IV of contact-line

48:16

solution, you are checking his little

48:18

feet for a pulse. And

48:21

then you see that there's nothing that

48:23

can be done at that point? That's

48:25

right. Why did you continue on rather

48:28

than like say knock on the door? Oh,

48:30

I don't know them. But I

48:33

turned around and I went home and I

48:35

burst into the door where my nephew lives.

48:37

And he yelled at me for a long

48:39

time about knocking. How long did you say?

48:41

It was not, I didn't need to see

48:43

the things I saw. Oh,

48:45

oh dear. Let me tell you,

48:47

you're right about what people find

48:50

when they pull up pornography. Anyway,

48:53

I said, put a, put a message on

48:55

neighbor Hap. And he said, Oh,

48:57

you get off my back. And I said, you're letting me have

48:59

a free. And that went on for

49:01

a half an hour. Oh, that's a long time.

49:03

Then I saw him press send. Oh,

49:08

so he had composed it, but then you argued

49:10

a little bit more before he, he sent it.

49:12

Absolutely. He's not an easy man to live with.

49:15

So my lock, my silverware.

49:17

Oh, you do just regular silverware,

49:19

not even the silver. There's a

49:21

padlock on my silverware

49:23

drawer. What do you think he

49:25

will do if he gets access to your silverware? He'll

49:28

sell it for more things

49:31

from Mattel. From Mattel? He

49:34

collects toys. Oh no, he's, he's, he's, he's

49:36

just got a bunch of toys in the

49:38

basement. Oh dear. Does he

49:40

have Funko pops? The inexplicably popular

49:42

and expensive Funko pops. He

49:45

has the most obscure ones. He

49:47

has an Ernest Borgnine Funko pop.

49:51

He has a Carol Channing Funko pop. Now

49:53

that would be a fun one. Absolutely. I

49:55

might like that actually. Sure. And

49:58

he has a Sir Richard Branson Funko pop. So

1:02:00

it could be anywhere, it could be anywhere.

1:02:02

For some reason, this folder you can't keep

1:02:04

hold of. Why would I get

1:02:06

rid of it? Well, because you keep losing it and

1:02:09

I would say don't put valuable things in it. For

1:02:11

sure. Because you've had this happen

1:02:13

to you by your own account many, many

1:02:15

times. In 1988. Oh

1:02:17

boy. When De La Mille came out. I

1:02:21

was 45. I had

1:02:23

the world on a string. Oh really?

1:02:25

Oh, say more about that. Oh my

1:02:27

goodness. What was going on? Oh,

1:02:30

I worked at an aerobic studio. I

1:02:32

signed people in. I had

1:02:34

De La Mille so my eating was right on

1:02:36

track. I knew someone

1:02:38

who knew Richard Simmons. So sometimes

1:02:41

I went with him when he

1:02:43

would water his plants when he

1:02:45

was away. I

1:02:47

had everything you could possibly want. My

1:02:50

sister, Jacqueline. We

1:02:55

were good friends. Oh. It

1:02:58

was the time of my life. It

1:03:00

really does sound like heady times. It sounds

1:03:02

beautiful. It's so beautiful. My

1:03:05

days were full morning to night. Absolutely.

1:03:08

Oh, it's the chin. Signing people in.

1:03:10

Is that your chin again? Eating based

1:03:12

on cards. I had. Should

1:03:14

we explain for people who might not know what De

1:03:16

La Mille was? I'm trying to remember

1:03:19

and I think it was. Oh, Chris Ortt,

1:03:21

either one of you. Oh, everyone. Everyone

1:03:24

get on E bit cleverly tied into whatever

1:03:26

food source it was. Carbs

1:03:28

were brown, veggies green, protein

1:03:31

purple. Treats were pink. Lots

1:03:33

of purple protein up there. Lots of it. And

1:03:36

so you would put the cards from one side and

1:03:38

as you ate those things, it was on the other

1:03:40

side and you can keep track of what you had.

1:03:43

So you needed more green cards. I

1:03:45

would eat a head of broccoli and sign

1:03:47

people in at

1:03:49

aerobic and you. Just a raw head of

1:03:51

broccoli. Just a raw head of broccoli. Good

1:03:54

for you. It would fill

1:03:56

me up. It would fill me. It

1:03:58

was when I. living

1:06:00

on earth. But I feel

1:06:02

like I must say this, there's no way

1:06:04

that raccoon is still alive, right? Oh

1:06:06

dear. He can't be dying. It's

1:06:09

not like a person. Can I

1:06:11

say something? Yes. The will to live

1:06:13

is something you must not bet against.

1:06:15

Mmm. It is

1:06:18

not our place. Oh, there it goes. Yes, master.

1:06:20

It is not our place. That

1:06:22

was a good one, don't you think? Well,

1:06:25

that's what I learned from the Quran, so. Oh, my God. Oh,

1:06:28

sorry. It was in the intro. Okay.

1:06:32

Is it called the intro? Dear.

1:06:35

Yeah. It's the biggest digest it was, yes.

1:06:38

Okay. I didn't know that they published

1:06:40

a version of that. But, Eddie

1:06:44

House, staying on topic. I still

1:06:48

am sort of confused as to what

1:06:50

your relationship is with this raccoon. I

1:06:54

also want to know, has this ever happened to you

1:06:56

before? Because you have a pelt. Sorry. What pelt did

1:06:58

she have? Oh, the gerbils. Yes. Do you have any

1:07:00

other pelts? Do you have any other? Okay. Many. We

1:07:03

didn't really talk about that. I have to be honest.

1:07:05

When I walk down William

1:07:08

Henry Harrison Street, I do it because

1:07:10

I know that's where a lot of

1:07:12

the squirrels, that's where their hub is.

1:07:16

Oh, it's a squirrel hub. Squirrel hub. Yes. And

1:07:18

what, and so, okay. You don't think your nephew's looking

1:07:20

at that, do you? That's

1:07:23

insane. What I saw on

1:07:25

his cooties. Luckily, I don't have access to this. He's

1:07:32

happy. Well,

1:07:37

I know that there's a lot of squirrels there. My

1:07:39

odds are pretty good that one of them will die.

1:07:42

Some get run over. I'm not psyched

1:07:44

about it, but I do have coats

1:07:46

to make. I feel bad that right

1:07:49

now your life is speed walking and

1:07:51

looking for near dead animals. And

1:07:54

what way? Well,

1:07:56

you put me on the spot and have me to explain

1:07:58

it. I guess I just, I hear. I hear

1:08:00

a yearning for the days gone by, and

1:08:02

I wonder if there's a way to sort

1:08:05

of get you out of this very specific

1:08:08

sort of tunnel vision of just the walking

1:08:10

and just the pelts. Yes. Because.

1:08:13

Ignoring your nephew who is just abusing

1:08:16

your credit cards. Just robbing

1:08:19

you clean. Yeah. And I

1:08:21

guess I think you're a lovely lady, and I

1:08:23

want you to be taken care of. And you

1:08:25

know, a lot of times I feel like we

1:08:27

don't take care of our elders very well. That's

1:08:29

true. It certainly is. In fact, he's taking advantage

1:08:31

of you. Yeah. And I'm not sure that the

1:08:33

correct. And I just, I mean, have you, I

1:08:35

know you said you haven't chosen a religion yet,

1:08:38

but you know, can you volunteer somewhere? Is there

1:08:40

a bingo you could go play? I don't know.

1:08:42

What about at a veterinary hospital? Maybe you could

1:08:44

do something there. Well, unless, yeah, okay. Could I

1:08:46

skin them? Yeah, see, I knew that was coming.

1:08:48

You know what? I shouldn't have brought that up.

1:08:50

No, probably not. I would love them up until

1:08:52

the moment I do skin them. Okay. Yeah,

1:08:55

I don't think that's a thing they do there. Yeah. Well,

1:08:59

every time I talk to a stranger, they hand me

1:09:01

a number for elder abuse. So I suppose I could

1:09:03

call that. Please call the number.

1:09:06

How many cards with the number on it? Oh my

1:09:08

God. Oh, wow. There's this

1:09:10

gigantic fold. I made a mess.

1:09:13

So many scraps of paper, handwritten

1:09:15

cards. I'm gonna

1:09:17

call, I'll call. Will you please call?

1:09:19

Because you know what? I just sometimes,

1:09:21

and I like to feel like

1:09:23

we've, you know, found a solution for our guests

1:09:25

or what have you, but I really

1:09:27

want to not worry about our guests. I want to send you

1:09:29

out of here knowing that you're going to be okay. And right

1:09:32

now I don't know that you're going to be okay. No

1:09:34

matter what happens at the end, when I see the

1:09:36

light, I will see

1:09:39

thousands of tiny paws reaching out

1:09:41

to me and

1:09:43

gathering me home. So

1:09:45

you think you're going to go to animal heaven? Oh.

1:09:48

Or it's the ghost of all the animals she's skinned.

1:09:50

They're actually dragging her to a place. Oh, looking for

1:09:53

revenge. No, no, no. That's what

1:09:55

I'm scared about. They have a peaceful death. I

1:09:57

hold their little tiny paws up at the end.

1:09:59

Okay, okay. I'll dehydrate them. Okay.

1:10:01

But imagine, I mean, just for a second, Christina,

1:10:04

imagine somebody, you're at the end of your life

1:10:06

and somebody is being very gentle and caring with

1:10:08

you, holding your hand as you take your final

1:10:10

breaths, and then as soon as you're dead, they

1:10:13

rip your skin off. You

1:10:15

soul floats above your body and that's what you see. You

1:10:18

see them clap their hands together and rub them.

1:10:20

You know what I say? I

1:10:22

say make it a vest. Wow. Make

1:10:25

it a vest. Oh, wow. Okay. Well,

1:10:28

you heard it here, everybody. It says make it a vest. Open

1:10:30

offer to everyone. Well, Christina,

1:10:32

I... Not really, not really, everybody. Of

1:10:34

course, of course not really. Well,

1:10:37

let's check with Christina. Okay. Yeah,

1:10:40

sure. Sounds good. Oh,

1:10:42

dear. Christina, I hope that we

1:10:44

have helped in some way. I don't know that we

1:10:47

have. I don't know, but as we always say, best

1:10:49

of luck to you. Yes. You

1:10:51

should call one of those numbers. You should call one of

1:10:53

them. It's the same number. Yeah. Just

1:10:55

pick anyone you pick. That makes it easier. Call

1:10:57

all those numbers. There's still a few in my pocket. Okay.

1:11:00

Well... You're lovely and it was so nice to

1:11:02

meet you. Please get help. God bless

1:11:05

you all. And you as well. Is

1:11:07

this a door? Or this?

1:11:10

Sure. All right. Bye

1:11:12

now. We'll be back with The Neighborhood Listen when

1:11:14

The Neighborhood Listen returns. The

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your car from your comfy place. Okay.

1:11:54

Picture this. It's Friday afternoon when a

1:11:56

thought hits you. I

1:11:58

can spend another weekend doing the same thing. same

1:12:00

old whatever, or I can hop into my all-new

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hundayusa.com or call 562-314-4603 for more details. Hyundai,

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there's joy in every journey. Hi,

1:12:23

this is David. I got a

1:12:25

strange email to call a man named Jim to

1:12:27

call him. I don't know him. He said, has

1:12:29

he had security clearance? Has

1:12:32

anyone else received this email for a

1:12:34

jet with a never-right call but no

1:12:36

answer and the mailbox was full? Any

1:12:38

comments? Well,

1:12:41

welcome back. I went for it. I don't know if

1:12:43

it was a moment. Oh, fantastic. Oh,

1:12:45

we were looking at each other. It was a real standoff. And

1:12:48

you said well twice. I

1:12:51

said, I said well, come back is what I should

1:12:53

have done. You count the well and welcome

1:12:55

as saying it twice? Well, I thought I considered that sort

1:12:57

of a fake out. Oh, I

1:13:00

see. It was like, well, psych, welcome

1:13:03

back. Welcome back. Ah, well

1:13:05

done. I just, I seized the moment. Now you're

1:13:07

saying well. I seized the day. No, you

1:13:09

did carpe the diem. I sure did. I'm

1:13:13

worried about her. Oh my God. She's in

1:13:15

so much danger. I hate it when I'm worried

1:13:17

about our cats. Yeah, no, she, that nephews. I

1:13:19

want that asshole, a nephew, a nephew, a

1:13:22

nephew out of there. Why is Jacqueline

1:13:24

Smith so mean? I

1:13:26

can't even give her credit for the group. I hate

1:13:28

hearing stories about, you know, people that I enjoyed back

1:13:31

in the day on shows being mean. Never

1:13:33

meet your heroes. Just hate it. Absolutely.

1:13:36

I don't have Jacqueline, so those are my heroes. But you know what? I

1:13:38

bet she has a line on QVC. She must. She

1:13:40

must. Doesn't that sound like it? She's

1:13:43

definitely still alive. Should we Google it? Sure. Oh

1:13:45

no, Doug. No, it's going to take it.

1:13:48

Oh, Pearl. Okay, that actually hurts my ear,

1:13:50

babe. That's really... Oh boy. It's

1:13:53

printing out. This isn't even AOL. It's printing. Hold

1:13:55

on. This

1:13:58

is an old school printer with the paper. You had

1:14:00

to tear the... Okay,

1:14:03

now he's making a copy? I

1:14:05

guess. Babe!

1:14:11

It's color! What?

1:14:13

Okay? Okay, it

1:14:15

says here she's 78 years old. Okay.

1:14:17

Okay, great. So the present...

1:14:19

From Houston, Texas. Okay, okay. We're just looking for

1:14:22

the present tense. Awards,

1:14:24

Hollywood Walk... No, that's good. Babe, we're good. That's good.

1:14:27

We're good. We're good. Thank you. Thank you. We're going back to

1:14:29

doing whatever you were doing. It's a long receipt here. Okay. Receipt.

1:14:32

It's a long receipt. So

1:14:35

just printed Wikipedia? Yeah,

1:14:38

but sort of on almost like a pharmacy

1:14:40

receipt. Oh boy. Well, CB, yeah, sure. Yeah,

1:14:42

of course. Oh right, you have the

1:14:44

shortest receipts. That's right. That's right. Then don't forget

1:14:46

it. That's right. Um, well, my goodness. If

1:14:49

she says Charlie's Angel, does that make the

1:14:51

nephew like a Charlie's Cupid? How

1:14:55

does that... Doug, that's a terrific question, but... I

1:14:58

don't think so because... So

1:15:00

are Cupid's angels children? Is that how it works?

1:15:02

Well, they're little cherubs, right? Yes, they are. Yeah,

1:15:04

yeah, yeah. I guess. I thought Cupid

1:15:06

was just one entity. And a man. I didn't know that

1:15:08

he was a boy. Do you remember there was a TV show where

1:15:11

Jeremy Piven played Cupid? Oh no. Yeah.

1:15:14

Is Cupid a singular? I don't want to remember that.

1:15:17

I... there's just one Cupid. There's not

1:15:19

like... So he's a modern day Cupid? When somebody...

1:15:21

He's a matchmaker? Exactly. In Chicago?

1:15:23

Exactly. I think he had actual

1:15:25

like mythological powers. No.

1:15:28

Yeah. Shooting an arrow? That's all he's got. That's

1:15:30

all hard. Okay, that's all hard. Joan, don't kill a messenger. No,

1:15:32

I'm not mad at you. I'm mad at television. Yeah. I'm

1:15:35

just happy there's a word that rhymes with stupid. It's

1:15:38

the only one. Is that

1:15:40

true? The only one I've

1:15:42

ever thought of. Well, you gotta be

1:15:44

there, Doug. I can't think of one. This

1:15:47

is the kind of question that could hang us up for quite a

1:15:49

long time. So we should probably move on. But

1:15:53

yeah, I think she's in

1:15:55

real danger and that's too

1:15:58

bad. But she also... There's

1:16:00

a sort of creepy aspect to her as well. Well,

1:16:03

I mean, I think that sometimes just

1:16:05

older people get that, maybe

1:16:07

that unfair assessment sometimes, but. You

1:16:09

heard where she skins all the animals, right? Makes

1:16:13

coats. She has a gerbil coat. I

1:16:15

guess I'm just very worried about getting older and

1:16:18

me sort of becoming a strange, what'd you say babe?

1:16:20

He's really hung up on the oozings. That

1:16:22

really resonated with him. That's stuck out with you. Do

1:16:25

you know what that makes me think of? Remember Peter

1:16:27

McNichol in the Ghostbusters 2? The

1:16:30

Ghostbusters 2? The Ghostbusters 2. That

1:16:36

was an accident. And

1:16:39

you know, there's that painting that is very

1:16:41

similar to that horrifying piece of art that

1:16:43

was just revealed with Prince Charles. Boy,

1:16:47

that painting. That's all I can

1:16:49

think of. I would have

1:16:51

taken that one personally if that was me. That was

1:16:53

horrifying. But after it's all

1:16:55

over and things explode, and of course the goo

1:16:57

is on everybody. His character

1:17:00

says, why am I diddppings with goo? And

1:17:02

it always delighted me. It was very funny. It was funny,

1:17:04

he was really funny in it. I wish I could remember

1:17:06

the name of the guy in the painting. Viggo

1:17:08

Mortensen. Oh. Viggo. Well that was the

1:17:10

actor. You mean the character. Oh, I

1:17:12

don't remember. No, Viggo Mortensen was not

1:17:15

in that movie. He was named Viggo.

1:17:17

Oh, Michael York. Sorry,

1:17:21

I thought you wanted the actor. But

1:17:23

the character's name was Viggo, but not Viggo

1:17:25

Mortensen. I see what's

1:17:27

happening. Isn't

1:17:29

that weird? That is weird. And

1:17:32

for a minute I did think it was Viggo Mortensen who played

1:17:35

this, yeah. No, he wouldn't have been too young. Viggo

1:17:37

the Carpathian. Carpathian. Oh,

1:17:40

very good. I say Carpathian. Oh, let's call the

1:17:42

whole thing off. This

1:17:45

is gonna divide you too. Hey,

1:17:48

there's two kinds of people in this world. People

1:17:51

say Carpathian, people say Carpathian. Never

1:17:53

the French owe me. And then

1:17:55

there are some people like this poster who

1:17:58

put, thank you. a great

1:18:00

segue. I didn't know what was happening

1:18:02

until it was happening. You really, so

1:18:04

excited. I've been really working on it

1:18:06

as you all know, if you've been listening this season. So

1:18:10

this is from Ava and

1:18:14

well, I'm just gonna, I'm just gonna say what it says. Oh,

1:18:16

great. Well,

1:18:19

I was thinking I wanted to do something other than that

1:18:21

first, but I thought it would ruin the post. Okay. So

1:18:24

there was some thought to what I said. This is

1:18:26

very interesting. What was

1:18:28

the thing you were going to

1:18:30

say? You'll understand in a minute. Okay. All

1:18:32

right. All right. There's just a

1:18:34

picture of something. Right. And she

1:18:36

says unknown insect. Can anyone identify

1:18:39

what the species? Oh, I don't like this already. It

1:18:42

is a dragonfly. It

1:18:47

is unequivocally, most obviously,

1:18:50

most easily. That is 100%

1:18:52

of dragonfly. This is 100% of dragonfly. There's

1:18:54

nothing else it could be. I usually don't go

1:18:56

into the comments, but underneath everyone is just, you

1:18:58

know what the comments read like? When,

1:19:01

when, when Doug thought mistook

1:19:03

what a hamster was and he, he, he showed me

1:19:06

what he thought it was and it ended up being

1:19:08

a guinea pig. Do you remember this? That

1:19:10

is vaguely familiar to me. Because

1:19:14

he started talking about their fur and how it

1:19:17

gets matted and, and we

1:19:19

realized, oh, you're not talking about a

1:19:21

hamster at all. You've mistaken a hamster

1:19:23

for guinea pig. So it's just wild

1:19:25

to me. This is just, I might

1:19:27

create, this is one of the most

1:19:29

recognizable insects out there. It's a famous

1:19:31

insect. I mean, it's a famous insect.

1:19:33

We're not talking some obscure something

1:19:36

or other. No. This is like posting

1:19:38

a bee. It's like if you saw St.

1:19:40

Bernard and you said, what's this? Anyone

1:19:43

ever seen one of these? So now

1:19:45

if you must know, what I was going to do is

1:19:47

maybe say, here's a picture of a dragonfly. And then I

1:19:49

was going to say that's what it was, but I think

1:19:51

it's better the way I did it. Right? No, I

1:19:54

thought what you did was flawless. Absolutely. No

1:19:56

notes. No notes.

1:19:58

Great. Moving on. Yes,

1:20:01

and good luck to Ava, and

1:20:03

congratulations on your first day on planet

1:20:05

earth. You figured out how to use a

1:20:07

camera. That's pretty impressive. Hey,

1:20:10

Bert. That's a little... Yes, Doug. Is

1:20:14

this, you can't do that on television? Are we opening up

1:20:16

our lockers? What's that? Oh my goodness,

1:20:18

so many of these, isn't it? I've never watched

1:20:20

that show. Well that was a delightful

1:20:23

Canadian show that Alanis Morissette was on. Oh,

1:20:25

sure. And it was like teen sketch. It

1:20:28

was like teen sketch comedy, and they would

1:20:30

do this kind of like almost like laughing

1:20:32

for teens. And anyways, they

1:20:34

had this thing where they literally were all

1:20:36

in lockers, and they'd open up... Like school

1:20:38

lockers. Yeah, like the tall ones. And

1:20:40

they'd open it up, they'd go, hey Alanis. And she'd go, what's

1:20:42

that? Carter or whatever his name

1:20:45

was. Drake? Drake, oh boy.

1:20:48

And they would just ask sort of like dumb jokes, setups

1:20:51

and punchlines. That's all it was. Sure,

1:20:53

fun. That's what it sounded like. And so yeah,

1:20:55

when Doug said, hey Bert. And I said, yeah Doug. Yeah Doug. That

1:20:58

was it. I mean that was it. I

1:21:00

didn't have a joke. I was just going to say,

1:21:02

after the show, want to get out of here and

1:21:04

cough at the triple A. Get some of those cone

1:21:06

waters. Wow. You know what?

1:21:09

It doesn't surprise me that that already sounds good to Doug. Doug, you're

1:21:11

on. Let's do it. I've never been inside the

1:21:13

brick and mortar triple A. I've

1:21:15

only ever called them for roadside assistance. And by the

1:21:17

way, they never can help me because of the nitro

1:21:20

burning funny car. They never had any... Oh yeah. None

1:21:23

of the tires. Yes, the tires were very

1:21:25

specific. Big

1:21:27

big ones in the back, little tiny ones in the front. And

1:21:31

they just had the ones in the middle. They

1:21:34

never had any nitro? No. Always

1:21:36

fresh out. Useless. So

1:21:39

yeah, I'd love to go there and get free

1:21:41

water from them. Okay. I haven't drunk

1:21:43

out one of those cones in a long time. If

1:21:46

you cut a little hole in the bottom, you can sort

1:21:48

of shotgun it. Well. Do you

1:21:50

ever do the thing some people do with ice cream cones

1:21:52

where you bite the bottom of the ice cream cone and

1:21:54

then you sort of... Yeah, I used to like that. When

1:21:58

is the time you give it up? Who's supposed

1:22:00

to do that? Not at the beginning of the ice cream

1:22:02

cone. Certainly not. At the very end. At

1:22:05

the very end. Okay. Yeah, at

1:22:07

the end. Then he goes... Once you pass the

1:22:09

horizon, the horizon line, I think. Oh, I know.

1:22:11

Of the cone? I see what you mean. Once

1:22:14

it's leveled. Once you've leveled it to the cone floor.

1:22:17

Well, gentlemen, I wish you a wonderful time.

1:22:20

I'm gonna stay here. Okay. Do

1:22:22

you want us to bring you back a cone of water? I'm gonna clean up

1:22:24

all these numbers that Christina dropped. Yes. So

1:22:26

many are still here. So many. Oh

1:22:29

boy, she'll be looking for that. I know. Well,

1:22:31

uh... Again, if you would like to send

1:22:33

us a post, please write to us at

1:22:35

burntandjone@gmail.com. And

1:22:56

if you would like to get ad-free

1:22:58

versions of our episodes as well as

1:23:00

access to the bonus room, our bonus

1:23:02

episodes, go to cbbworld.com and sign up

1:23:04

on the maximist here and you'll get

1:23:07

those goodies. Ooh, goodies. I

1:23:10

regretted saying that as soon as I did. As soon as

1:23:12

I heard the word, I thought it was fun. I thought

1:23:14

it was fun. I hate the word goodies. You

1:23:16

do? Oh, I hate it. I

1:23:19

hate it. You always have a word I'm on the

1:23:21

fence about. What? Why do you hate

1:23:23

it? I just... Goodies. Oh, it's

1:23:25

really the face. He's just disgusting.

1:23:27

It's a real visceral reaction from me. I

1:23:29

can't stand it. Okay, I think I can see it. And

1:23:31

you know it's a word that I can't decide if I

1:23:33

like and I think I might like it. Refreshments.

1:23:37

Really? Yes. That is

1:23:39

a nice word. It's exactly what it says it is.

1:23:42

It is refreshing to hear. Do you have pros and

1:23:44

cons in your mind? Well, the pro

1:23:46

is I picture little snacks that

1:23:48

I might like, like from when I was a kid.

1:23:50

You know where I picture it? I thought it was

1:23:53

only drinks. No, no, refreshments. Refreshments

1:23:55

can definitely mean anything to say

1:23:57

to your appetite or what your

1:23:59

whistle. When

1:24:02

I was a kid and I heard that word, it

1:24:04

made me think of those butter mints that you would

1:24:06

get at a restaurant. Oh, that's fun. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

1:24:09

How interesting. Oh, maybe because refresh mints. Because

1:24:11

of the word. Yeah, exactly. Oh, that's adorable. Because of

1:24:13

that sound. And now when

1:24:15

I hear it, I think of

1:24:17

a very sorry spread that

1:24:19

someone has put out. Well,

1:24:21

you're at some meeting or something and they say,

1:24:23

and afterwards there'll be refreshments. And then

1:24:25

you know that's going to be terrible. I thought you were saying after

1:24:28

this, there'll be goodies and then you know it's going to be. Goodies.

1:24:31

That's so cute. You thought of mints because yes, they used to

1:24:33

have butter mints. And that was always, we were known, our restaurants

1:24:35

were known for a butter mint. Oh, absolutely. There

1:24:38

was a strange restaurant that just

1:24:40

left, left a sushi. Yeah. And

1:24:42

that's what you grabbed on your way out. In a

1:24:45

little wrapper. And it was warm. Yeah.

1:24:48

It was body temp. Wrapped. Body

1:24:51

temp, cellophane wrapped sushi. And

1:24:54

then nobody would take it, of course. And the

1:24:56

smell was unbearable. Terrible. And it was an Italian restaurant.

1:24:58

It was an Italian restaurant. Why

1:25:01

were they doing that? I don't know. They

1:25:04

were spending money going to the sushi

1:25:06

place to get these specially wrapped sushi.

1:25:11

Weird. It's such a weird day. A strange place

1:25:13

this is. What a strange and wonderful place. And

1:25:15

wonderful. And we thank you for listening. Yes.

1:25:18

Thank you so much for listening. We adore all of

1:25:20

you. I'm out of my mind.

1:25:25

And we'll be back next week with our

1:25:28

with our season finale. Oh my goodness. Already.

1:25:30

Yes. I know. Time has flown. Really

1:25:32

has. But what a fun season. Even

1:25:34

with that huge break. Even

1:25:36

with that huge break. So I could do my Southern Illinois

1:25:38

tour of Hamlet. Oh, Lord. We

1:25:40

do have to catch up with Herlotte.

1:25:43

There's some developments. We'll do it. We'll do it

1:25:45

on our season. It's great. It's a season finale

1:25:47

recap. Yeah. Yeah.

1:25:50

All right. Well, until then, goodbye.

1:25:54

All of the posts used in this episode were real. Only

1:25:56

some geographical specifics have been changed.

1:26:00

is hosted and produced by me, Paul

1:26:02

F. Tompkins. And me, Nicole Parker. And

1:26:04

me, Brett Morris. This episode's guest

1:26:06

was played by Stephanie Courtney. The Neighborhood

1:26:08

Listen is a production of Comedy Bang Bang World.

1:26:10

Go to cbbworld.com to unlock the entire

1:26:13

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1:26:15

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