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0:27

Hey neighbors, it's Paul. Before we get to

0:29

the episode, I just wanted to let you know about some

0:31

live shows that we all have coming up. On

0:34

January 20th at St. Rock in Hermosa

0:36

Beach, you can see Brett playing with

0:38

Epic, that's Every Place I Cry, the

0:41

comedy emo band with our old pals

0:43

Jess McKenna and Zach Reno. Not to

0:45

be missed, get your tickets. The

0:47

first weekend in February, all of us will

0:50

be at Sketchfest in San Francisco. On

0:52

Friday, February 2nd, I will be doing Varietopia

0:55

at Club Fugazi.

0:58

Never said it out loud, never heard it out loud. Two

1:00

shows, 7 and 9, 45 PM. Still

1:03

some tickets left for those. It's a fun variety show. You do

1:05

not want to miss it. On

1:07

Saturday, February 3rd, Brett will be with

1:09

Jess and Zach again for a live

1:12

off book, the improvised musical at the

1:14

Great Star Theater. And I will be

1:16

appearing with many hilarious people on Comedian

1:18

Feud at Cobb's Comedy Club. Unfortunately,

1:20

these shows happen at the exact same

1:22

time and double, unfortunately, they are both

1:25

sold out. But check your various socials

1:27

and message boards. Maybe join the

1:29

CBB World Discord because someone is always

1:31

looking to unload a ticket they can't

1:33

use. This happens at literally every single

1:35

live show. Then later

1:38

that evening on February 3rd, I am doing

1:40

Spontorco with our friends Eugene Cordero, Tawny Newsome,

1:42

and Janet Varney at the Great Star Theater.

1:44

Still some tickets left for that show. On

1:47

Sunday, February 4th, our 3 PM live

1:49

neighborhood listen with returning guests, Jess and

1:51

Zach is sold out. But again, check

1:54

to see if anyone is getting rid

1:56

of any tickets. And then later that

1:58

evening, epic. Is playing

2:00

again at the Chapel. Still some

2:03

tickets left for that show. And

2:05

finally in New York City

2:07

February ninth through March. thirty

2:10

first at the Daryl Roth

2:12

A theater. Nicole.

2:14

Parker returns to Titanic to

2:17

the incredible Off Broadway live

2:19

version of the movie Titanic

2:21

as imagine by Celine Dion.

2:23

This show is hilarious. It's

2:25

non stop jokes. I remember

2:27

her after seeing it. brett

2:29

end up Dana ah wiccans

2:31

and I saw saw the

2:34

show the same night. And

2:36

afterwards Nicole asked us what

2:38

were your favorite jokes and

2:40

it was impossible answer because

2:42

just law the wall jokes

2:44

the show starts it in,

2:46

never relapse and then it

2:48

stops and. Nicole's are only

2:50

hilarious in the show as you would

2:52

imagine but you also get to see

2:55

her singing Celine Dion songs as believes

2:57

he a fucking and a eat out

2:59

the pipes the pipes folks you gotta

3:01

see Go get your face blown off

3:03

by Nicole Parker as Celine Dion in

3:05

Titanic. Thank you for listening! I know

3:08

this was a lot but we want

3:10

to keep you apprised of these live

3:12

shows because we love you to come

3:14

Lcs I'm a now enjoy the episode

3:16

which is in a word. Good.

3:20

Hi I'm Paul of Tompkins and I'm

3:22

Nicole Parker. On this podcast we improvise

3:25

and character using real posts from a

3:27

popular neighborhood networking website. Occasionally retains

3:29

the names of the streets. And that's

3:31

all you need to know to support the

3:33

shown on my To the Ad free archive

3:35

as well as exclusive monthly episodes of the

3:37

Bonus Room. Go to cbbworld.com and sign up

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for a maximum membership and. Now please enjoy

3:42

this episode as. The neighborhood.

3:44

Listen. Knock

3:46

knock. Your

3:49

neighbors. Said in a

3:51

minute. The

4:00

right. And meet new neighbors as well.

4:07

The neighborhood. And

4:15

welcome once again to the neighborhood.

4:17

Listen: This is the podcast that

4:19

explores the neighborhood of Dignity Falls

4:21

and it's hosted by us to

4:23

of the residents of Dignity. False

4:25

money was burnt me a payday

4:27

I'm a pharmacist in chief at

4:29

the Dignity Falls Missy. That

4:32

say that I'm zone pedestrian and I am

4:34

well as a New Year new me you

4:36

trying to figure out here are a lot

4:38

of I am. I think this a a

4:40

lot of pops Madison. Know

4:42

but ah, Thoughts

4:46

on the fuck are you Are

4:48

you? Are you considering changing? Careers.

4:51

So drastically the to don't want to see what you do for a.

4:58

I'm almost. It's almost like it when

5:00

it really is the New Year. You know

5:03

what I mean. Society see cysts? Ah can't

5:05

I come up with that with with

5:07

Home for Your birch? Oh total career Say

5:09

oh right. So yeah I mean I

5:11

guess we sit effect. So I am a

5:14

Realtor, I still am I off real to

5:16

practice saying I am not practicing. Yoga

5:18

practice: I. Think that

5:21

is the practice for not a single. never eat healthy.

5:23

Think that you possess it is and you know what

5:25

That says the day that you're done. There's ago they

5:27

are doesn't live in there you go. I

5:29

like to think about it that way and by

5:31

ah there were these Been a couple other ventures.

5:33

you know that and that's it below. Get into

5:36

that. we will get into the and but I

5:38

haven't seen you for a little bit because we

5:40

kind of took a long break their from and

5:42

ah I one know how things are. The falls

5:44

in the secrecy. Took this new job as young

5:47

as this are real wonderland have a place is

5:49

a little lot of things going on in here.

5:51

There's a waterfall in the very middle. beautiful

5:53

water featuring the centers are

5:55

is the highest pharmacy he

5:57

eyes many stories in the

5:59

United States. Obviously all the pharmacies in

6:01

Dubai are much higher. Sure, sure, of course.

6:04

Yes, but for the United States, it's the

6:07

highest pharmacy. And so

6:09

many of the gang at the

6:11

old CVS came over and everything

6:13

is just new and clean and

6:15

shining and it's just a wonderful

6:17

time. And I feel like people

6:20

are happy when they come in

6:22

there. It is true. It

6:24

is true. And of course, as we know, the

6:26

CVS had that carpet that was a

6:29

very big accident that man had with a sword. Yes,

6:32

well it was on purpose. This guy did it

6:34

on purpose. Is that right? I don't remember

6:36

that. He stabbed himself with a sword. Oh

6:38

dear. You know, it's like you can sort

6:40

of feel all that sort of dark history

6:42

when you entered that CVS. Absolutely. It's

6:45

dark gray carpet. Oh, bad energy.

6:48

Bad energy in that CVS. Well,

6:50

the carpet of course was red. It was

6:52

red, yes. It was dark red because they thought they

6:54

would show, you know, the blood wouldn't show up.

6:58

It was a lot of self-stored stabbings, I guess.

7:00

And you know, you walk into a place like

7:02

this, this is just, you know, fresh, new memories.

7:05

I mean, no memories. New memories to be made.

7:08

New memories to be made in this

7:10

pharmacy, yes. But there's a lot

7:12

of other things you can do. You know, they have a

7:14

post office. They have, they just did, they put a dry

7:16

bar in the bottom. That's right. Which

7:18

I do enjoy. Yeah. You can

7:20

go, you can get, it's a one-stop shop. Absolutely.

7:23

Yeah. I'm saying, he

7:25

has, which again, listeners can't see, but he

7:27

wears this fabulous robe that

7:30

is just, does everyone get to wear it or

7:32

only you because your head? Only

7:36

I wear the robe as pharmacist in

7:38

chief, but other people have various symbols

7:41

of rank within the organization. Oh, yes. What

7:43

are the ranks in a pharmacy? Well,

7:46

pharmacist in chief is as high as you can go.

7:48

Okay. Well, I figured. Yeah. Then you have, of

7:51

course, Chancellor. Chancellor's just, yes. Which

7:57

is more of a public liaison. I

8:00

mean, somebody who does is a pharmacist, of course,

8:02

licensed pharmacist. Like this outreach

8:04

and whatnot. Yes, the great people

8:06

at the door. Really

8:09

get out in the community and make sure that the

8:11

youth knows about the pharmacy. This is what we

8:13

do. We

8:16

gotta let kids know that the pharmacy is there

8:18

for them. If they have a weeping

8:20

wound, they can come in there and get gauze, they

8:22

can get salves. Well, sometimes they do a big brother

8:24

program, right? With the pharmacy? With younger pharmacists, yeah. You

8:27

gotta get a little coat. They get to mix some

8:29

stuff together. That's right. They get to put M&Ms in

8:31

a bottle. Yes. With a question

8:33

with a pestle? A pistol? Which one

8:35

is it? It's a pestle. Pestle's not a thing.

8:37

An epistle, of course, is a letter from the

8:40

Bible. Oh,

8:48

well now you're just bragging about all the big words

8:50

you have. I'm kidding. I'm just

8:52

Josh. We're having fun. We're having

8:54

fun. So, okay, so chancellors,

8:56

what comes after that? After

9:01

that, of course, is the pharmacist

9:04

regent, who is the person that is

9:07

third in the blood of succession. In

9:09

case something happens to both of you.

9:11

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Now

9:13

we can't travel together.

9:15

Right. Do you

9:19

have a viceroy? We

9:22

don't have a viceroy at this branch. How

9:24

interesting. Because a viceroy is a combination of

9:26

a few different jobs at a pharmacy. Oh,

9:29

okay. And so at a smaller branch, you

9:31

would have a viceroy. Well, I'm learning so

9:33

much. Oh, there's so much to learn. And

9:36

that voice, by the way, that you heard was Doug,

9:38

my husband, and our engineer. And where

9:40

are you today, babe? He's always in a different room in our

9:42

house. I am, aren't I? Doug,

9:45

it's so funny how that works out

9:48

that way. I

9:51

think we've even pointed it out before. Yeah,

9:53

maybe almost every episode, actually.

9:56

We're always busy around the house, you know? You never

9:58

know where you'll find me. Mindy

10:00

ceramics room. Oh, oh,

10:02

yes. I know which ramics from huh? Mm-hmm

10:06

Which I wanted but also July be

10:08

was very into ceramics for a while

10:11

But so this is a

10:13

room another new room Well,

10:16

no, it is a new room. It's just so we

10:18

only got around to making it You know we

10:21

had to do the bat cave first So we had to

10:23

do the bean room and we had to do this bat

10:25

cave Yeah, don't you remember we have

10:27

a cave we have two caves there was a wine cave I

10:30

don't think we built we didn't build that

10:32

real real bats in the water that we

10:34

discovered Sorry,

10:36

that's that's that's our thing. That's our thing. That's

10:39

the rule. You know some people have porch rules

10:41

on the front, you know We have a payroll Port

10:45

rules is that what we call those are

10:47

in this house? Well, no, no, no,

10:49

this is different This is literally putting

10:51

something on a porch that says porch

10:53

rules and it's really honestly I'm sure

10:55

they have you never seen one. No, I have

10:57

not. Oh boy I don't know so many

11:00

houses so many basic houses that the ship

11:02

lap and that you know The same look

11:04

that everyone's doing now that lady the what's

11:06

her name Joanna Gaines the Magnolia lady the

11:08

Target where it's like Everything

11:10

slightly green and brown and white into me.

11:13

I'm sorry. I don't find it original I'm

11:15

gonna tell you something if you say Joanna

11:18

Gaines to me, I will picture Joanna Kerns

11:20

every single You're kidding everything not at all

11:22

the same person. Well, no, I know

11:24

that Anyhow,

11:27

yes porch rules Honestly

11:30

to be I can't believe they came up with more

11:32

than one item. I mean, it's really just sit

11:35

back Yeah, relax relax

11:37

three. Oh Have

11:41

a soggy maybe it says that Do

11:44

you know that my grandfather who was

11:46

in World War two, of

11:48

course, he had a he had a neighbor that would

11:51

come across the street and this is a weirdest thing

11:53

They had two little sort of like canvas open, you

11:55

know unfolding chairs and they would sit, you know Not

11:57

looking out at the street, but just facing a radio

11:59

that they listen to which was so

12:01

sweet not not like back to the

12:03

streets or no just like pay like

12:05

perpendicular as if they were playing chess but they're just looking

12:07

at a yes well but they were both sitting the

12:10

same facing the same angle anyway it

12:13

was wild then they didn't want to risk

12:16

looking up from the radio and making eye

12:18

contact they didn't want to miss a thing

12:20

and and speed

12:22

was the neighbor's name and you know he had

12:24

and he lost a thumb in the war oh

12:26

dear you had a little love and you know

12:29

what I always remember the head of love

12:31

and it used to use it to

12:33

pack his pipe oh boy is it memorable

12:35

the best use for a nub it

12:37

was the greatest it was the greatest

12:39

I loved him so much hey when life gives

12:42

you a note back your pipe see that's what

12:44

should be on the porch rules that's what

12:46

it is the one that's what I think of that

12:48

was speeds porch rule probably that and never

12:51

look to the street your eye on

12:53

the radio you know

12:55

I also think that I would have had a

12:57

lot better luck as an actress if I was around in

12:59

the 1940s radio hour really

13:01

you know oh yeah I think oh you

13:03

know and Doug would had fun doing it

13:05

too right like it would be like you

13:07

have to find things to make noise yeah

13:10

that was amazing if I was like I'm

13:12

like if I was if I was doing

13:14

like a get

13:16

me with that again this

13:19

is a special report Wow I

13:21

feel like I just took out of a time machine is that

13:25

what war of the world was the felt

13:27

like did you feel like you were in

13:29

it yes I was ready to go to the

13:32

water tower with a shotgun it wasn't even

13:35

about you know we've talked about face a

13:37

lot and I'm not

13:40

gonna do it anymore you're not you're not

13:42

you decide you're not going to get a total

13:44

face change were you visiting my free ghost of other

13:46

women who have

13:50

had total face changes and they all look

13:53

like Angelina Jolie but not right like a

13:55

dream and wasn't right you said don't do

13:57

it like you like you you silly putty

13:59

and you You picked up Angelina

14:01

Jolie's face out of the newspaper and

14:04

the instruction outlet. Yeah, it's backwards somehow.

14:06

Everything looks backwards. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No,

14:09

it was just good common sense. And you know, the twins,

14:11

oh by the way, the twins who had been hiding for

14:13

a very long time as a Halloween prank, they did finally,

14:15

you know what was wild? They were in the house the

14:17

whole time. And you know what? I

14:19

had a feeling. They didn't like, you know what they did? They

14:22

had hidden cameras in the house. They showed me. I sat down.

14:24

Doug was a little in on it at the end and he sat me down.

14:27

And they put on the screen me just

14:29

like making breakfast and they're standing right behind

14:31

me. It was like a David Blaine

14:33

situation, but I never saw them. It was terrifying. Wait, is

14:35

that something David Blaine did? I don't know. Is he breaking

14:37

into people's homes? That's not magic. I don't know

14:40

anything else. That was behind you. Let's just

14:42

surprise. I don't know who else to reference, you

14:44

know, because it was like a magic trick. Right.

14:53

And that's what they were trying to do. One time, one time, Matt

14:55

was dressed up as Doug in a mask. I had no idea. And

14:57

I got confused. I remember that day. I saw him

14:59

and I thought I was looking in the mirror. That

15:01

was like, I don't remember that day. I thought you

15:03

were looking in the mirror. Yeah. I

15:05

started fixing my hair and I don't wait.

15:07

What? I'm sorry. Let's

15:10

go back, babe. I thought you meant when we were watching a

15:12

film together. You mean the day of the day

15:14

of when I saw Matt dressed as me.

15:17

I mean, you never told me

15:19

this, of course, but I didn't know that you

15:21

were in on it that way. I didn't

15:23

know I saw him. I thought I saw me. I

15:27

didn't tell me because that's a pretty big

15:29

deal. Yeah. Then I saw

15:31

a doppelganger of myself in the home walking

15:33

through the home. Didn't mention it. Yeah.

15:36

And the thing I would call that a special report. Calvin

15:40

Coolidge. Like a

15:43

body snatcher type situation. Who were you

15:45

saying? Calvin

15:47

Coolidge has been elected. Doug

15:55

bringing you the news. The hottest headline

15:57

straight from the. Do

16:01

you remember how I

16:03

was going to do improv in my Christmas

16:05

cabaret? Yes! Oh my, we have a...

16:07

I need to know, you know, because I was away

16:10

so I missed the Christmas cabaret. You did. And

16:12

I'm sorry about that. You did. Where

16:14

did you go again? I went to, what

16:17

you call it, it's one of the

16:19

national parks, Yosemite. Oh, you went to Yosemite?

16:23

Did you know who I went with? Who?

16:26

Gabby. Gabby? Yes, my

16:28

ex. Gosh, I didn't think I would ever

16:30

hear about her from... I never thought I

16:32

would hear about her. I didn't think you

16:34

would ever hear about her again. You

16:39

guys had such a rough breakup. We really

16:41

did. And, but you know, some time

16:43

has passed and it was actually my

16:45

pen pal Lorenzo who got us back

16:47

together. No kidding. That's amazing. Just

16:49

through all his letters. Did you start musing about

16:52

her? Well, no, he met her and then he

16:54

started talking to her... Oh, right, because the Christmas

16:56

pen pal lives in town. Right here, Diggity Falls.

16:59

And so his house was on fire. And

17:03

it's so weird because I bet you, did he just

17:05

write you about it instead of like, in

17:07

the moment, you know, instead of like picking up the phone? He

17:09

did, well, I mean, it's not that ridiculous. He

17:11

did call the fire department first and then take

17:13

them to Facebook to write to you. I just

17:16

met you. I knew that he would call the

17:18

fire department. I knew he would do that. Did

17:20

his letters have the cool little burned out corners?

17:22

He did hold, he did to make it look

17:24

old time. He didn't hold the letter to the

17:27

fire. When our kids did, you know, like

17:29

the medieval period in history, boy, he did

17:31

that for their projects. He loved printing

17:33

the end of the paper. To be honest, that's something the twins

17:35

first got into. Did the fire? Wow.

17:38

Because daddy said it was fun. Yes,

17:41

and because daddy wasn't that great at it to begin with

17:43

at first, you know, you're supposed to wet the pages first.

17:46

I don't know if you know this. Oh, you said

17:48

great at it. I thought you said he was not a

17:50

great dad at first. No! That

17:52

was a wonderful, is a wonderful dad

17:54

to Matt. And chartreuse,

17:57

my twins. Wonderful

18:00

dad to both of them and

18:02

that's not what I meant Just not great at doing the

18:04

burning of the parchment paper It just went up in flames

18:06

really quick. But then of course they were like again

18:09

again again Yeah, they were only three

18:11

when they study the medieval history Wow Well,

18:15

oh god, do you understand how competitive it is these

18:17

days I mean like it is crazy to be so

18:19

ready by kindergarten to do everything. That's why Fisher price

18:22

made that castle We

18:24

I had that castle. I did too who

18:26

didn't well a bit I'm not sure that

18:28

we did you understand really what what did

18:30

you really understand it? I did I I

18:32

did I felt like Oh, I see a feudal

18:35

system So,

18:40

yes, I did this Christmas camera, oh you would you

18:42

a 70 with Gabi wait, I want to understand this

18:44

so so there's a fire Lauren's house She

18:47

came she she smoked jumped To

18:50

his home. Everyone must smoke jumping is because I'll be

18:52

honest I didn't know what it was when you first told me

18:54

it is firefighters who jump out of an airplane That's

18:57

right into the fire and they

18:59

did that for his house. Why

19:01

was that necessary? I was just for forest fires Everyone

19:04

because the fire department took a sabbatical

19:08

The entire department went to go write a

19:11

novel yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly in Upper

19:13

Michigan That's exactly they said we're gonna write

19:15

it's not Yes, we're

19:17

gonna go in the Upper Peninsula and we're

19:19

gonna write a novel together We've been talking about it for

19:21

years and start to stop talking you

19:23

do something. Our kids are grown Let's

19:25

just do this and they made everyone that

19:28

was an option. Yeah It's

19:30

never been done before but there was an ad in the

19:32

paper that they took out and they said we asked you

19:34

to We're asking you to promise not

19:36

to set a fire yet And

19:39

then of course then it's left to the

19:42

forestry division. Yes who have no interest in

19:44

fiction and And

19:46

so it ended up being Gabi who jumped

19:48

jumped onto his house. That's amazing Yeah,

19:50

oh my goodness. And so then they just

19:52

sort of became friends and I guess suppose

19:54

they started talking about you Yes, and

19:57

then Gabby, you know Gabby said well, you know we used

19:59

to date and Lauren's said, oh, that's wonderful. And you

20:01

know, they just got to, he asked them, he asked

20:03

her what happened and she said, oh, it just didn't

20:05

work out. And then I, it

20:08

sounds like a great conversation. And then she called

20:10

me and she called you. And she called you.

20:12

And how soon after that did you, somebody happen? It sounds

20:14

like it must've been fast. It was pretty fast. It

20:16

was pretty fast. I mean, we felt, we fell right back

20:18

into it. But now you had Lorenzo with you or you

20:20

only went with Gabby. No, Lorenzo did

20:23

not come with me. I don't know why I thought that you went

20:25

with you. No, no, no. So how was

20:27

the trip? Did you camp? It was,

20:29

we did a combo camping

20:32

and, uh, glamping, glamping.

20:34

Okay. Cause I'm not sure about you as a camper. I didn't

20:36

know. I would be something you can sleep

20:38

anywhere. I can sleep anywhere. Oh, you can. Okay. I'll prefer

20:41

to sleep in a bit, but

20:43

I can sleep, I can sleep on the ground.

20:45

I just sleep in a tree. I sleep standing

20:48

up. Okay. Yeah. I'm very good. Sleep standing up.

20:50

Yes. That is impressive. Yes. A

20:52

little, a little devastating. Why is it

20:54

devastating? It's just very sad. What a word. It

21:02

seems almost unnatural. Like maybe something happened to you that

21:04

you can sleep standing up. I get, I get that

21:06

it seems unnatural because it is, it has creeped some

21:08

people out for sure. How often is

21:10

it? When does it happen? Who is it creeped

21:12

out? Well, if I need people to work

21:14

or whatever, yeah. Or if I say, let's

21:16

say I'm in a, in a library or

21:18

something like that. Because

21:21

he's not, he's worried about you being able to do

21:23

your job. No, it's the

21:25

regent who is. Oh, I'm sorry. The regent.

21:27

Yeah. I'm just learning. I'm learning the ranks

21:29

today. Just a gentle correction. Okay. So

21:32

you did camping and glamping. What was the difference? The

21:34

difference was camping. We have no roof. Sure.

21:37

Well, that's glamping. We were in like a

21:40

nice kind of rustic cabin and then camping.

21:42

We were literally just sleeping on the ground

21:44

with nothing. Oh, no tent. No tent. No

21:46

blankets. No blankets. No sleeping bags. What kind

21:49

of idea was this? We

21:51

kind of arrived at it together. Okay. He

21:53

said, you know what? Let's just bring nothing. Yeah. Okay.

21:55

Yeah. Yeah. Well, you know, because that is

21:57

a test for like a, a relationship. watching

24:00

Ghost. Well, it was the first July beat.

24:02

Yes. Doug wanted it because of Ghost. I was trying to

24:04

avoid this. He had a whole period of time where

24:06

I'd be in there, right? Right. And

24:09

I would just be like trying to work. And

24:11

then the music would come off. And then he'd come in shirtless.

24:14

And he thought it was a whole... Oh, hey,

24:16

can you see? Okay.

24:19

Maybe you haven't seen Ghostbird, but it was Unchained Melody. Oh,

24:21

sure. Oh, sure. I

24:26

will say we have done it to the National Anthem many

24:28

times, many times. I beg your pardon? It can be

24:30

a very sensual song. But

24:35

that was a different me. Yeah. So,

24:38

no, it was Unchained Melody.

24:41

You know, it was made famous by this

24:43

scene. Yeah. And you know

24:45

what's really hard to do when someone's trying

24:47

to make out is really hard to

24:49

throw, which is the word for

24:52

making pottery. Yeah. Well,

24:55

you never can decide what to make, actually. My

24:58

arms are around you and we're trying to work on this thing. Oh,

25:00

right. But I'm not sure you were right. I

25:02

mean, listen, he was, again, he wanted to make the

25:04

moment. He wanted to recreate the moment. For me, it

25:06

was too... I didn't want to mix

25:08

ceramics with pleasure. Yeah. I

25:11

understand. I understand. Because you don't

25:13

want to look at a bowl. You know what? It's

25:16

like two different parts of my brain. It's like, oh, I

25:18

can't sew and I can't compute. You know what I mean?

25:20

I'm either making ceramics or having sex. You compartmentalize,

25:22

yes. Departmentalize, yeah. I can't make ceramics or having

25:24

sex. That's

25:28

one of the ceramic room rules. Oh, this

25:30

place has rules. And

25:33

then the second one is just no

25:35

ghost. No ghost. I

25:39

had to make that rule after he kept trying to

25:41

do ghosts. You can't recreate that scene or you're saying,

25:43

hey, ghosts, don't even bother coming in. Well, I mean,

25:45

that's for my whole house. You

25:47

know, I don't like ghosts. But

25:49

anyways, speaking of ghosts, I have

25:52

been a little haunted by my Christmas camper.

25:54

So, yeah, you missed it, which was sad.

25:57

But Honestly, not so bad because I

25:59

don't know. Would have been embarrassed honestly as

26:01

long. As shown us, I'm a very hard to. Well.

26:03

He was he was recite so I for those

26:05

who don't remember I decided I would try to

26:07

improvise and song said the crysis temperature and I

26:10

just thought know how hard could it be endowed

26:12

It's a little hard I mean they at first

26:14

it starts out fine and then the promise you

26:16

have to keep thinking. Oh

26:18

I see. Yeah when i sit down

26:20

and system like quick little like a

26:23

single or something worth or maybe not

26:25

done is it all ah by some

26:27

by they have been a good i

26:29

tried it's just sad and and also

26:31

you know my boys kept on getting

26:33

suggestions so you know knew i wasn't

26:35

a while like my little dick Christmas.

26:38

Loses discuss. What's

26:41

I realized I was so.

26:43

Loud. They were the only ones I could

26:45

hear a so I had to deal my

26:47

little bit Christmas I had to do as

26:49

a fan since Tom Hanks get it and

26:51

that's literally what they shouted. To me:

26:54

jealous. A

26:57

hippie said disease I'm ah

26:59

M S M C I

27:02

A L with he said

27:04

nc I'll f Mrs Claus

27:06

I'd love to. Wait,

27:08

For the birch. Bayh

27:12

professional every time I for it slows

27:14

and and done did nothing so every

27:16

time I saw someone says it is

27:19

ready to elicit cameras right into the

27:21

microphone said and what am sorry zone

27:23

the let Berthelot it's were in our

27:25

in our home and. Guess

27:28

my. God this sub

27:30

are your. Manners. Of assess assess the

27:32

i don't mind some some great of

27:34

uses as a night so wanted to

27:36

be an. Episode

27:39

of that was. Creative.

27:42

Oh. Calm down. There are

27:44

also that's really guess he loves that would

27:46

we watched it like seven separate separate times?

27:48

He just absolutely dorset. Seven separate times?

27:50

Yes, like wasn't enough an effort viewing Mack

27:53

concert. Not to the contrary, I still didn't

27:55

want me to be aroused. My

27:59

most the. There. Are

28:02

more and. Thing to

28:04

say. oh. You was only the any way to know I.

28:07

Must be selected. Ducks are. Just

28:11

afraid of I suppose are assigned believe

28:13

it. Anyways I had it's I had

28:15

some not only did as he provides

28:17

a lot of dirty title but it

28:20

was very hard. No no no have

28:22

suggestions where he was is. My

28:25

my mom piped up one time. oh sure

28:27

yeah, but she panicked as he said bell

28:30

said you know this isn't already. Stores and

28:32

and avoid like to do well see now

28:34

and then.thrive that that's where I would nests

28:36

It was just the worst I know. single

28:38

balls they said dingell ball. Bearings So

28:40

yeah that me and I try to

28:43

suggest pineapple. Of the. As when,

28:45

why did you do that? Your Why did you do this?

28:48

Any time the as comes time for

28:50

as and brought suggests in a silly

28:52

pineapples a really strong. Sending them maybe miss

28:54

Isolation is really easy for them to make

28:56

it, you know? naughty? Did. You

28:59

not? Did you not know why would be? He

29:01

did and pineapple didn't know? Does anyone? does anyone

29:03

noticed You know that the pharmacists I thought you

29:05

might know this chemically. Oh.

29:10

Yeah, this is useless with his authority

29:12

for offers the first day of pharmacy

29:14

school as we get all the dirty

29:16

grovelling that. The

29:22

guy says zebra request since a then everybody

29:24

reserves he was a lot of all own.

29:26

I know exactly what you're done as you

29:28

are no other fighters a whiteboard or out

29:30

as the as itself a works. As

29:34

fast as. Well

29:38

so anyways yeah, that's and that's why I'm

29:41

when I say oh, I'm regrouping, I'm rethinking.

29:43

You know it's just ahead and why. I

29:45

just wish you know as sometimes that I've

29:47

been around just for the radio when people

29:50

couldn't sit back and stupid a singer. Simple

29:52

song and and so you had to do

29:54

now. You could have done that you

29:56

couldn't use. Your

29:59

fears to do. Nobody be like now

30:01

you feel you feel nauseous, could have made a

30:03

sort of the you know on feel decision where

30:05

they call it. An

30:08

article in our been why I couldn't

30:10

think of the term I couldn't think

30:12

of. This. Or that is exactly as someone

30:14

who doesn't really enjoy football as as you

30:16

don't and would didn't as an audible. Feel

30:19

this is I'm only enjoy the ball

30:21

with sell for success Most I liked

30:23

it as an old medically my like

30:25

the stitching yes I'm about as you

30:27

say it's a well tailored ball hit

30:30

you do your his son of a

30:32

heated my love of bespoke for. A

30:36

just beautiful graphics, you the food or like

30:38

what I go to the trouble or most

30:40

nerf balls to put are old enough to

30:42

see. Don't have to. Ah

30:44

assists. It's ah yes I get called notable

30:46

But here's here's my point is that spending

30:49

the day it was simple come on singer

30:51

song to your bed the go read your

30:53

pelvis story due to sound effects you know,

30:55

see the commerce. And only the looks of you

30:57

know when he wants to you and and that

30:59

so as you did your service and you'll and

31:01

that with you are only known for doing the

31:03

one thing is likely to do Now I feel

31:05

a detailed spin plates and it's due to copy

31:07

of the do everything has. Everyone does everything now

31:09

and it doesn't seem like enough rice stand and

31:11

sit well with that. Are. talking with

31:13

as part of our of their know I was

31:15

the special for from the pharmacist or. Pharmacy

31:19

like I'm who are I have to phone

31:21

says are now confirmed since that's really cool

31:23

I have a hotline from see how are

31:25

the red cell phone Just as of the

31:28

riddles want us. To

31:31

bring it we the final and light for. To

31:35

do for Cia and. I

31:39

think. We gone long enough and price tickets were

31:41

guess I just don't know. Are you in Gabby

31:43

together right? He is. Yes, we'll have not. We

31:46

have not put it in any terms telling sir.

31:49

Why do it again? Terms to at

31:51

my think about it. when

31:53

it went up on it would set up

31:55

a cop zip these all that as a

31:58

we all knew those gonna happen It

32:03

was a very date cup. It was a very date cup. It

32:05

wasn't a huge crash. No it wasn't. It didn't sound like a

32:08

mug. You know what I mean? It doesn't tend to be honest.

32:10

Alright, we should take a break. We should take a break. And

32:12

Doug, I hope you can keep it together in there. And

32:15

when we return, we will have a guest right here at the Kitchen Island on The

32:17

Neighborhood Listen.

32:26

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Well, sometimes I struggle with that. I have a four-year-old.

36:00

things. If it's both, great.

36:03

Sometimes it's just one. It's true. And

36:05

then but that's if half

36:07

of the equation is interesting, that's not bad. Exactly.

36:09

That's the whole point. We never know what we're

36:11

gonna get. We never know what we're gonna get.

36:14

So this is no different. Nope. And if you

36:16

would like to send us a post, maybe you

36:18

here in Dignity Falls have seen a post that

36:20

we missed. You can screenshot it and

36:22

send it to us at burntandjoan@gmail.com.

36:26

And we will read

36:28

it on the podcast.

36:31

And now this one comes to us from a neighbor

36:34

named Julio. And this

36:37

is in the general section. And

36:39

the sort of headline is fireworks.

36:42

Julio continues. Congratulations.

36:44

Nobody complained about the fireworks that

36:46

I heard recently. That's

36:48

how it should be no complaining

36:50

about stupid stuff like that fireworks.

36:53

Proud of you neighbor hap. And

36:57

maybe he wants to say more is Julio welcome

37:01

Julio is such

37:03

a great pleasure to be here. Good afternoon.

37:05

Good evening. Good. Yeah,

37:08

wonderful. I don't know if we've ever been greeted

37:10

so beautifully on this podcast before. Well, it's a

37:12

little bit dark, but it's still a little bit

37:14

light. So I figured it's a combination of the

37:17

two. That's true. Absolutely true. Absolutely true. Why don't

37:19

we have what do we say for that? There

37:21

should be a word for really should like

37:23

a mask. Good. Good.

37:25

Good. Good. To you. I can do

37:27

I can work with that. Absolutely.

37:31

Julio when you when you emailed

37:33

us your post you you

37:35

it was signed Julio L. And

37:38

what is what is your full name? My

37:40

name is Julio Antonio

37:42

lotion. Wow,

37:46

what is the where

37:48

does lotion come from? I'm trying to rename

37:51

like what is the sort of etymology of

37:54

that? Is that the right way to put it? I've never

37:56

heard the last name lotion. It comes from

37:58

everywhere. But Yes.

40:01

Wow. That's wild. Because

40:03

a lot of Greenland is under the freaking water. Oh,

40:06

they don't count that part. They don't count

40:08

that part. I guess I don't think about

40:10

the size of America and think, yeah, well,

40:12

what about underneath? It's got to be even

40:14

bigger. But I mean, there's

40:17

still people living there. There's what? Under

40:19

the water living in those areas and

40:21

little submarine farms. Those areas? Yes, submarine

40:24

farms. There's a bunch of submarines that

40:26

are attached together and people live inside

40:28

of them. Wow. That's a little underwater society.

40:30

And guess what they eat? Well, fish. Mostly

40:33

fish. Yes. I was going to

40:35

say, yeah. I think they're safe. Yeah. They're

40:38

like 3.9% fish to make sure. Not ice cream, babe. Ice cream. Yeah.

40:42

Oh, sure. But the water is so cold. Oh,

40:44

yeah. But the water is also wet. The

40:47

ice cream. So, okay. Knowing all

40:49

of this, but knowing that you didn't... I mean, I think that

40:51

sounds pretty cool, but if that didn't interest you and obviously you

40:53

didn't like high school, is that when you came back here? Yes.

40:56

I came back here for a life in America.

40:58

Oh, wonderful. And so this

41:00

post, if I may, I'd have to ask, it's

41:03

giving dad energy. Is that correct? Are

41:06

you a father by any chance? No,

41:08

no, no. I was told a

41:10

long time ago that my sperm

41:12

is as worthless as

41:14

poop. What

41:19

a terrible way to put it. Why did someone say that to

41:21

you? That's not even a medical term. No. What

41:24

doctor told you this? In my doctor's defense, I showed up at his house. Wait,

41:26

wait. Who showed up? I missed it.

41:28

I missed it. I showed

41:33

up at my doctor's house drunk because I need

41:35

to know the results of the test. How

41:38

much time it passed since you took the test to when

41:40

you got the results? I think it was about 45 minutes.

41:43

So, you do the test of your sperm. You

41:46

get drunk and then you go over to your doctor's

41:48

house. Well, I got to be honest. I got drunk

41:50

before I went to the test. Oh, sure. After

41:53

the test, I felt even more drunk. After

41:56

I had the results, I had that

41:58

sort of... after

42:02

happy hour. I

42:07

was about to call it the after jizz

42:09

elation but happy hour sounds a little bit,

42:11

I think it sounds more respectable. That was

42:13

another song I had to sing. Yes, no

42:17

just happy jizz elation. I can't believe it.

42:19

You try to rhyme jizz elation. You weren't

42:26

at the Christmas cabaret were you? No,

42:28

I'm not allowed back in there. Where

42:31

did you do this show? I

42:34

did it in the lobby of

42:37

a hospital. Of

42:39

a hospital? Yes, and

42:42

I'm not allowed back there. Is that where you

42:44

took the test? It might be where the sample

42:46

was taken. Sure, absolutely. Is this great acoustic fair?

42:49

They cut those polaroids up on the wall. People

42:53

are not allowed back in the

42:55

lobby. Do not admit. So my

42:57

question is why did you get tested in the

42:59

first place?

43:03

Because I was

43:06

in a relationship at the time. Okay. We

43:09

had been trying. Okay. And

43:11

my partner at the time was like, look, I don't

43:13

know what's going on with you, but

43:16

I know everything of mine is fine. Okay.

43:18

So I went and checked it out and turns out it was

43:20

me. And so when your

43:22

doctor said your sperm poop, which was probably

43:25

a reaction to you, I was worthless ass

43:27

entering his, because I might be as

43:29

worthless as poop. Perhaps it was poop. That's

43:31

a different condition.

43:33

But it came out that way because he was like

43:35

basically breaking and entering into his home. Yes.

43:38

I knocked in the open. Oh, you did. But he

43:40

was, I was drawn to be fair.

43:42

Okay. I was drawn. I was wearing a shirt that

43:44

only covered my nipples. I think that

43:46

he was, let me tell

43:50

you, I think he was on

43:54

some drug too. I think he, I think

43:56

he had taken a couple of Xanax. I'm

44:00

home. You can do whatever you want. You can

44:02

do whatever you want. He wants to do a brandy's hand. He

44:04

wants to have a couple of his arms in the class of brandy.

44:06

Long story short, the relationship didn't

44:08

work out. She wanted kids and

44:11

I understood that because my, again,

44:13

as it was explained to me, in no uncertain

44:19

terms, that the only thing my friend will do is

44:21

lay there. I'm

44:28

going to lay there for slow and

44:30

quick death which makes no sense. Sometimes this

44:32

can be a genetic thing. Do

44:37

you have a lot of siblings? Do you have a big family? I have

44:39

a gigantic family. That's why that's her. That really does

44:41

hurt. At 11 brothers and sisters. Do you have a bunch of nieces

44:43

and nephews as well? 11 of them. Oh my

44:45

goodness. They all have 20 daughters. Yes, yes, yes.

44:47

I'm not sure. I'm not sure.

44:49

I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm

44:52

not sure. I'm not sure. I'm

44:54

not sure. I'm not sure. I'm

44:56

not sure. I'm not sure. Yes, yes.

44:58

I mean. Okay. So.

45:01

You know, I think my family coming from such

45:03

a giant family, all of us were like, well,

45:06

we don't want to have to struggle like mom

45:08

and pop. Yes, yes. Yeah.

45:11

So yeah, you just go down to one. Well, so then

45:13

let's talk about the post then because, so then, forgive me,

45:15

I was wrong about sort of the dad energy, but you

45:17

know, it sort of seemed like, so then, so

45:19

then tell me. Not only wrong, but

45:21

it led to a very painful moment. I'm really, really sorry about that.

45:23

I didn't mean to. Sometimes I do

45:25

lead us down a path. And like you said, we never

45:27

know what to expect. We never do. Yes.

45:30

I've got a taste in my own medicine there. So don't be

45:32

sorry. You know, I've, I've made peace with that.

45:37

Oh, okay. Well, I guess then what,

45:39

what is it about? I'm assuming then from this

45:41

post may, may I assume, or maybe I shouldn't

45:43

anymore, that you don't appreciate when

45:45

people complain about fireworks. This is one of those

45:47

things. Is this sort of like your main thing

45:49

in the neighborhood, sort of like your, your main

45:51

cause that you're tired of people complaining all

45:53

the time or do I have that wrong? No, no.

45:56

Well, you, I think you have a right partially. Okay.

46:00

Okay. I've had an

46:02

epiphany recently. Oh. The life's

46:04

too short to complain about bullshit. Wow. I

46:06

had a near-death experience. Oh, why? I mean,

46:08

wow. Yes. Wow.

46:12

Why did you do that? I'll tell you why and wow. Why

46:15

wow. Give us the why and the why. Give

46:18

us the why wow. No problem. 25

46:20

miles off the coast of Thailand, there's a

46:22

small island called Frog Island. I

46:25

took an expedition there with a cousin

46:27

of mine. His name is Johnny J.

46:30

Okay. J-A-Y? J-A-Y-Y.

46:39

J-A-Y-Y. Okay. All

46:41

right. Yes. He's a

46:44

DJ. He's an exceptionally strange DJ. Johnny J

46:46

is a DJ. Yes. He's a DJ from

46:48

the Alps. Okay.

46:52

He's an exceptionally strange

46:54

DJ. Yes. He's

46:56

in that whole music with no music thing

46:58

where it's like he's a DJ but there's

47:01

no music. Oh, you

47:03

mean like where everyone has headphones on so

47:05

you can't tell if he's playing anything or

47:07

really doesn't play anything. No. It's silent disco.

47:09

Exactly what it is. It's like silent disco.

47:11

And it's like, do you all see that

47:13

movie, what was it, Hook? Where

47:15

it's like you have to pretend to

47:17

see the food before you can see

47:19

the food. That's the same thing. Oh. You

47:22

hear the music before he plays the music. Oh boy.

47:24

This makes me feel so old. I've never heard of this

47:26

before. It's Hook? No. No.

47:30

I've heard of Hook. I knew it was

47:32

Hook. But I

47:34

know that. But

47:36

this whole idea of silent disco, babe, how

47:38

do you know about it? Hook? No.

47:41

Silent disco. Silent,

47:44

yeah. It's

47:46

not a common thing but everybody knows

47:48

about you. Everyone knows

47:50

who you. Everyone knows who you can. And

47:53

so there's no music playing but everyone

47:55

pretends as if there's music. And then

47:57

does it happen that eventually? essentially they're

47:59

all dancing to the same beat even

48:02

though there's no music playing? No,

48:04

that's the

48:06

weird part of it because when the music does

48:08

start a lot of them like, wait, I thought

48:11

this was a waltz, sorry. I thought I was

48:13

dancing the kumbia or I thought I was dancing

48:15

the hip hop. I don't like

48:17

it. I think it's stupid. I used to just put

48:19

on music but right now you've

48:21

got to be... That sounds like the simplest

48:23

thing to do. I think right now it's

48:25

so difficult to be discovered. It's so difficult

48:28

to put yourself out there. This is what

48:30

I was talking about that you have to sort of work

48:32

so hard to do something crazy. Something

48:35

different. Yes. Crazy. Which

48:37

is like the absence of music or trying to improvise. See, he gets

48:39

it. Okay. I'm with you. This is

48:41

good for you. Thanks, babe. I

48:44

was... Whoa. Yeah, you were on track. Was

48:46

he doing a DJ gig or? No, no,

48:48

no. He was leading the expedition. Which was... Whatever.

48:52

Sorry, the expedition was... Oh, wow. Yes.

48:54

No. Yes. No,

48:58

no, no. No, no, no.

49:00

I'm a postman. That has nothing to do

49:03

with my job. I

49:10

went there to... Have

49:13

you heard of ayahuasca? Are you sure?

49:15

Yes. Yes. This is kind of like ayahuasca,

49:17

but it's more powerful and it's... Like you lick

49:19

it? Huh? Like a frog that you

49:22

lick? You... So

49:24

you take the frog... Yes, that's a no. Swing

49:27

and a miss. Whoo! No, I mean,

49:29

it's a little... I put myself out there. I

49:31

don't like you doing it. I feel like I feel comfortable with you

49:34

all. I can tell you exactly how you do this. Oh, okay. You

49:36

take the frog, you ram it... You're looking only at me.

49:39

And you're ramming... Sorry. No,

49:41

no, it's okay. I like it. You

49:44

take the frog and you cram

49:47

it in your poop shoot. Oh, no. Oh,

49:49

what? You

49:51

put the frog in your rectum. And how big or

49:53

small is this frog? This frog is gigantic. Oh, no!

49:56

I think estimated about 19... Oh

50:01

no, that big? 19 kilogram? A

50:04

19 kilogram frog. A

50:06

19 kilogram frog. I'm not

50:08

that familiar with the metric system. It keeps me

50:10

neither. But I'm going to

50:12

guess that if he says it's gigantic, it must

50:14

mean he's heavy? Both. Yes.

50:18

Both. Wide and heavy. You don't keep

50:20

it in there too long, thank God. Here's

50:22

the mistake I made. Okay, so this is

50:24

what you were here to do. You were here to put this frog in

50:26

your butt. Yes, in so

50:29

many words. I did

50:31

that, I guess what? That's one

50:33

way to phrase it. Right, that's

50:35

one way to phrase it. Do you all share one frog

50:37

or do you just hope to get enough frogs for everyone?

50:42

We do share one frog. And

50:45

yes, the question is this frog is 100% into it.

50:49

Oh, okay. That makes sense. No, I was

50:51

really concerned. Someone

50:53

who's been a member of ASPCA for over 36

50:55

years. Oh, good for you. I

50:58

was really concerned. I said I'm not putting this animal

51:00

in my rectum. This is not right for the animal.

51:03

And my friend John just said no, no, no. I

51:06

assure you it's fine. Okay, all right. This is

51:08

the craziest part. I kid you not. I

51:10

took a look at the frog. This

51:13

frog winked at me. Wow.

51:17

Almost like... Before you did it. Yes.

51:20

Okay. Call me crazy. I know that's crazy.

51:23

But I am telling you this frog wanted to

51:25

be in my poop hole. He

51:28

was ready. Maybe he's used to it because a lot

51:30

of people come to do that. What makes

51:32

a lot of money? Oh, you pay the

51:34

frog. Yes, of course. Oh,

51:37

it wasn't implied for me. Was it for you, Bert?

51:39

How do you... I didn't assume

51:42

that for sure. All right. I

51:44

spent 2,500 crickets. Oh, okay.

51:46

Oh, that makes sense. They don't care about money.

51:48

No, they don't. It's a frog. What

51:51

are we in, crazy town? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, that

51:53

would be crazy if the frog's like, hey, give

51:55

me $200 so I can pay my rent. Yeah,

51:58

it's like, be copying anyone. It's

52:00

a lot of things. But the frog can count and has a price.

52:04

The frog has rudimentary skills. We're

52:07

talking about a species of frog that

52:09

has been in a remote island for

52:12

God knows how long. These animals

52:14

have evolved to an incredible level of intelligence.

52:17

They don't want you to know about this. The government doesn't want you

52:19

to know about it. I swear I'm

52:21

not one of those crazy conspiracy people.

52:24

The government doesn't want you to know about these

52:26

highly intelligent frogs that when shoved all the way

52:29

up your throat. All the way up your heart.

52:31

All the way up your heart. All the way up

52:33

your heart. Of course. Got to go where? Probably

52:35

a pie hole. No, a pie hole. Yeah, a

52:37

pie hole. I suppose. I don't know.

52:40

Eventually. Eventually. I was on the assumption

52:42

that any type of like hole will

52:45

sort of represent, you

52:47

know, without getting too gross. I mean it

52:49

might be too late. Oh, I'm

52:51

so sorry about that. I did want

52:53

to be honest about the whole story. No, I

52:55

appreciate it. I think it's hard to not understand the story

52:57

if you don't let us know. What

52:59

happened? So this frog winks at you and then what?

53:01

You say this was a near death experience. What happened

53:04

next? Because I put the wrong frog in my butt. What?

53:07

How is that possible? I didn't know there was another

53:09

frog presence. Oh, there was like three. This is frog

53:12

island for Christ's sake. Oh, well okay. I mean, all

53:14

that chain was going on. I literally can't go a

53:17

foot without being accosted by multiple

53:19

frogs. Oh, okay. And of

53:21

course they're all wanting money. They're all wanting crickets. They're all wanting

53:24

crickets. Yes. Sick. Sick

53:26

to feel that you can't step

53:29

somewhere without somebody wanting something. Are there

53:31

human inhabitants on frog island as well?

53:33

No. Just frogs. Okay.

53:37

No. Don't give these frogs any crickets. Nothing. I'll

53:40

try going to the airport. It's a fucking disaster there. Try getting

53:42

some help from this frog. It's a mess. It's a mess. I

53:45

don't like to go to someone's country and say it's

53:47

a mess. I'm not the ugly

53:49

American. But this place is a mess. Okay.

53:53

Infrastructure, trash. Sure. Well,

53:55

it does sound like it. But okay. So then what

53:57

happened? So you choose the wrong frog. Here's

54:00

the thing. the type of fraud that I

54:02

was supposed to put a my rectum okay

54:04

the type of was you can't Consumers who

54:07

consume the poison your.oh it's has to penetrate

54:09

so you bloodstreams read to oh wow this

54:11

was the opposite. This fraud you can consume

54:13

the poison just a small amounts of just

54:16

for the effects but if you shove it

54:18

up your pie hole. Could

54:21

be. Very very

54:23

destructive. some within twenty

54:25

five seconds. I

54:29

was singing the blues. literally. I was

54:31

thinking that the I was singing armed

54:33

a know sun sun when the solo

54:35

diplomat or not a bad idea for

54:37

a fine i don't even know that

54:40

self swallow and within forty five seconds.

54:43

I was profusely vomiting too. seriously, singing

54:45

the blues over at the same time.

54:47

Yes, were a lot. Are you at

54:49

the I know, I know and no

54:51

other at hours? More like. An

54:56

awful lot of some. Years

55:00

or loader. Thirty acres know, and I only

55:02

know. Now

55:04

I know what you ever forget how to the

55:06

spirit of this fall ours is It was very

55:09

scary stuff I saw this experienced something but all

55:11

this is interesting twist on it. Was

55:13

scary. I'm really glad that I

55:15

have a Ted talk mutual Exclusion

55:17

in First snow. Let me tell

55:19

you what else have joined a

55:21

fever or the hundred and six

55:23

have lowering Satisfy that is hop

55:25

artist lowest so my efforts by

55:27

the Iss as they estimated one

55:29

hundred and says enjoy Today Hussein

55:31

from Fries book published right after

55:33

that a fraud Doctors oil and

55:35

worth doctors I've ever some of

55:37

our steel and worth a boy

55:39

you wanted to play but tell

55:41

those know harder Added. miraculous not

55:43

yeah i mean i was i

55:46

don't want to ask how they

55:48

take your temperature specific reconciliation for

55:50

a spot of his fourth one

55:52

was really hard i was literally

55:54

hallucinated hallucinating from it reminded me

55:56

a way that you were hoping

55:59

to know worst way possible. What's happening?

56:01

What's your DJ friend doing at this point? Sorry,

56:03

before we get into that, let me ask, what

56:06

is the optimum circumstance? What is the

56:08

optimum result when you do it correctly?

56:11

What is supposed to happen? Do you

56:13

have visions of some kind? I think

56:15

optimally what happens is you're supposed

56:17

to have a vision of your inner

56:19

child. Oh, okay. See that child. You

56:21

tell that child everything's gonna be okay.

56:23

All the stuff that happened to you

56:25

back then, that's back then. We're

56:28

safe now. And then that inner child

56:30

disappears and when you're awakened from it,

56:33

you've resolved a lot of issues. Wow.

56:35

But the poison that

56:37

I had, which was never supposed to

56:39

be rectal, ever,

56:43

what it does the complete opposite.

56:45

It shows you your most worst

56:47

nightmare and tells you it's not

56:50

going anywhere, baby. And it's so

56:53

creepy. Sounds like the WB

56:55

frog or the frog that you used to see that

56:57

would always sing. Creepier. But

56:59

creepier. Creepier. Like even creepier. Like

57:01

just peeping the way you don't

57:03

want. Like just like, hey, does

57:05

this feel good? Oh, that's

57:08

terrible. That's disgusting. Again,

57:12

okay, so right. So now, so your

57:14

friend gets it, does he

57:16

get to do it correctly and have a good

57:18

experience? Johnny J? No, he disappeared. Johnny J

57:20

for over 25 years. Oh my lord. That's crazy.

57:27

That's how long ago this was. Believe

57:31

it or not, yes. Yes, you may have told us

57:33

that and I forgot. Yes, no, I didn't. I didn't.

57:36

I never said it did. No, I

57:38

don't think he did. But Johnny J, we had

57:40

it almost when we got married. Yes. Wow. Yes.

57:43

You only met it for 25 years? Yeah, we

57:45

like to not sort of like put a

57:47

point on it. But yes, did you have a

57:50

DJ? We did and he

57:52

played actual music. We were

57:54

one of those random old people. No,

57:56

it definitely wasn't. Random old people. No, I couldn't

57:58

have ever wanted Johnny J. The Uk

58:00

did you pay? ah the Dj with

58:02

money. Gal. Yes! John Israel

58:04

with a slots Whoa. My God. What?

58:07

What? What was? Johnny

58:11

Jay was a fraud Know. Me

58:15

over there for all his last rider a foreign

58:17

John into a fraud of business model when it

58:19

comes to be a D. So he was a

58:21

fucking fraud. Fraud.

58:26

Is just hit me right now.

58:28

How long have you know? Noom!

58:30

I had known Johnny Jays since

58:32

I was about it's bus isis

58:35

three years or older. worrying that

58:37

ah Julian hi together I went

58:39

to Israel out of very early

58:41

age. Or yes, Mrs. Clinton's okay.

58:43

Abby? you could have been arrested three and then

58:46

also when did you try to get through having.

58:48

Don't know. I have three years old. And

58:50

y l have to give the zebra as good as

58:53

it was I think these i didn't even know what

58:55

who was who was of course ask why do for

58:57

you know what to do derived so or. I

58:59

get that is so complex when leaving a competitive now.

59:01

he. Mutters we believe exists.

59:03

There were going on some truths.

59:05

Ah Miss. They

59:07

want to push for about nine months.

59:10

when a while back Soaring Diligence Island

59:12

was based on earth you know, nail

59:14

he They want to nine months Cruz

59:16

Ah. And ah, they got

59:19

shipwrecked onto an island that later one

59:21

was called Catalina Island. Oh are familiar

59:23

with Catalina how members they want to

59:25

suppress images. Went there for a while

59:28

for the Buffalo. Buffalo where their

59:30

own. A yes it is where the bustle. Of them

59:32

and twenty nine our officer going zones

59:34

and old show and are you know

59:36

looked good point that old that your

59:38

parents editor said the citizens tv show

59:40

that literally shirt and black and white

59:42

was based on know i sell but

59:44

my parents had me at age as

59:46

my mom seventy two live wow so

59:49

soon as he was on of mirrors

59:51

he was in mutters the one that

59:53

overthrew the as a woman have to

59:55

i know when other guess recently who

59:57

gave birth very advanced age right now.

1:00:00

remember who but yeah this is interesting. My father was

1:00:02

103. Wow! Good for him. So now you're

1:00:08

saying after this experience and now you've also

1:00:10

just realized that your friend was a frog

1:00:12

but after that experience

1:00:15

you just that's when you decided to

1:00:18

hell with complaining about bullshit.

1:00:20

I almost died so you

1:00:22

come back to you came back to Disney were you

1:00:24

living in Disney Falls at the time you come back

1:00:26

here. I came back to the Disney Falls and I said I'm

1:00:29

gonna make a life here. What

1:00:31

do you do? What do you do now?

1:00:33

Yes. I want to company will we produce staples.

1:00:36

They said you're a postman huh? Oh yeah. Okay

1:00:38

can I be honest? I

1:00:40

am a postman. I am embarrassed

1:00:42

that I'm a postman. Why?

1:00:57

You can't be any worse than that one guy Jojo. He's

1:00:59

keeping him honest today. Really?

1:01:02

Remember Jojo who puts

1:01:04

the mail in his

1:01:06

mouth? Yes I do. That

1:01:09

was another guest we had. That guy should

1:01:11

be embarrassed. Yes there's no need to be embarrassed. Why are you

1:01:13

so embarrassed? My dad wanted me to be a doctor and I

1:01:16

told him I'm a doctor. Wait before he died. Oh

1:01:18

he made it to 103. Okay I see.

1:01:20

I didn't I wasn't sure if he was still alive

1:01:22

or not. No no he's been dead for a while.

1:01:24

How old were you when your father passed if you don't

1:01:26

mind my asking? My dad died about three

1:01:29

weeks ago. Oh this is so fresh. He was so sorry.

1:01:31

He was 130. Wait

1:01:35

a minute. I thought. That's

1:01:37

why I'm not crying. It's hard to keep up

1:01:39

and that's why you're not crying. No because I

1:01:41

was like at this point I can't wait till

1:01:43

he dies. Well you're expecting it for sure. Well

1:01:45

I'm sure he was tired of being alive. He

1:01:47

talked to an elderly bear. He was in the

1:01:49

hospital for all that time and you know and

1:01:51

his bill was about I think 49 million dollars.

1:01:55

So we know you're a lot well

1:01:57

unless it was a different hospital. If it was the one where you're

1:01:59

not allowed. the lobby, I imagine you couldn't go see him.

1:02:03

Yes, that was the same one. That was

1:02:05

the same one. Okay, good to clear that up. They said I

1:02:07

was coming too much. Oh, well

1:02:09

I don't know if they would never say that.

1:02:12

Wait, now there's so many threads, I don't even know

1:02:15

which one to pull. But I

1:02:17

think I want to go back to postman and so

1:02:19

are you saying that the staple thing isn't real and

1:02:21

you were merely postman and you just thought that staple

1:02:23

thing was cruel? I just was

1:02:26

thinking maybe the staple thing you all would be

1:02:28

like, oh wow, that's awesome, you know. Can

1:02:31

I be honest? Can I be honest? When he said postman, I

1:02:33

just said, oh, lovely. Joe, absolutely. Yes. Really?

1:02:36

Will Joe be embarrassed about it? No. I

1:02:39

do. I really do the

1:02:41

post-apocalyptic film. Yes. That's a

1:02:43

really depressing movie, right? Yes. I

1:02:46

mean, I really love Kevin. But he's kind of very uplifting. I do. I

1:02:48

just love, I love Kevin Costner. What

1:02:51

about him? My aunt loves

1:02:53

Kevin Costner. He's in love with Kevin

1:02:55

Costner. He also seems

1:02:57

like he would be calm in any situation. He's

1:03:00

not going to surprise you with his acting choices.

1:03:02

Yes. There you go. He's

1:03:04

got the one speed. Yes. Yeah.

1:03:07

Predictable. Medium. Nothing

1:03:09

that's going to startle you in any way. If he

1:03:12

was a car from the 80s, he would

1:03:14

always be in fourth gear. That's kind of

1:03:16

his thing. Just like,

1:03:18

it's never great, never bad,

1:03:22

always fairly forgettable, able

1:03:24

to yell without raising his voice. Always

1:03:27

got the same expression. Always.

1:03:30

Always. I can

1:03:32

picture it right now. You can send your watch to him. Can

1:03:35

I ask, and I've

1:03:37

always been fascinated with this. Is

1:03:41

it like, how

1:03:43

important is masculinity to

1:03:46

the attraction level for a

1:03:48

woman? Some women will say masculinity is

1:03:50

in the eye of the beholder. Some

1:03:52

will say it's important. Some will say it's not

1:03:54

important. Some will say, how

1:03:58

did you get in my house? I mean,

1:04:00

honestly. I'm

1:04:03

also working on the Type 5. That's

1:04:07

part of the Type 5, yeah. But

1:04:09

I've been told don't say that because it could come off

1:04:11

as like, you look like

1:04:13

a David Blaine. Yeah, I'm like a David

1:04:15

Blaine. Sounds like a David Blaine situation, yeah.

1:04:17

That's exactly right. Like, this is too David

1:04:19

Blaine. Don't use that. He's

1:04:22

going to sue you for some

1:04:24

type of infringement. I

1:04:27

would say what I think a lot of women respond to

1:04:29

is more of a sense of the

1:04:32

caretaker, the person who's going to... And

1:04:35

again, this is strange because I also... Listen,

1:04:38

it opens up a whole entire big thing because women

1:04:40

want to also know they can do things for themselves.

1:04:42

But there is something about... And there's

1:04:44

also, oh boy, there's a lot of father stuff

1:04:46

with there, right? Like someone who has that kind

1:04:48

of energy where they're in control and you can

1:04:51

actually go to them and you know you'll be

1:04:53

safe. There's a lot of sort of almost instinctual,

1:04:55

like a lizard brain type things, right? That

1:04:57

probably happened in a lady's brain. I don't know,

1:04:59

I'm looking at burnt because there's no woman to look

1:05:02

at. So I'm looking and I'm realizing, oh, I'm the

1:05:04

only one and no one else can sign in here.

1:05:06

I don't really... No, I'm not going to lie. And

1:05:08

I'm not blaming you for this. I had a really

1:05:10

hard time following that. Well,

1:05:12

of course you did. But I think

1:05:14

I... You know what, I bet you there's women at home just going, yep, yep,

1:05:16

yep. I think I forgot where we

1:05:19

started and then I didn't know what was

1:05:21

going on. Oh, like you weren't even forgetting the question I

1:05:23

was answering. Do you know where it was? Okay, it was.

1:05:26

I was thinking about the fireworks again. Oh my gosh. Well,

1:05:28

I will say... We've got so far afield. This is one

1:05:30

of the... This is one of the... Anyways, where we've...

1:05:33

We've talked about it the least, the post. Yeah,

1:05:35

exactly. And that was my fault, absolutely. No, I

1:05:37

don't know. Look at your fault. Nothing's your fault.

1:05:40

No, this show exists so we get to know our

1:05:42

neighbors. Yes, and this is what we are doing. We

1:05:45

only go back to the post sometimes if there's usually

1:05:47

a mystery to be solved in it, right? Yes. And

1:05:50

I think that also is different because the nature

1:05:52

of this post is more of just someone commenting.

1:05:54

May I say that it feels

1:05:56

like it was a little passive aggressive, like maybe you

1:05:58

have been frustrated. with people

1:06:00

in the neighborhood have complained about things and now

1:06:02

that you're saying you have this near-death experience do you

1:06:04

feel that people in the neighborhood are maybe more

1:06:06

superficial and they're worried about the wrong things?

1:06:09

Not to mention the fact that you are postman

1:06:11

so you probably know all sorts of dirt on

1:06:13

on neighbors right you see all sorts of things

1:06:16

as a postman no? Are you reading

1:06:18

the mail? No no you don't mean that way! I

1:06:20

don't read all of them. I do read the ones

1:06:22

that look interesting. Oh wow I did it. Hold

1:06:25

on. I just to make sure. I didn't know you want

1:06:27

to admit that. No I mean oh shit I mean I

1:06:31

read the ones that are open no I mean I... You

1:06:35

know what we could edit this out for you. We can. Off

1:06:38

the record. Okay well. I do sometimes read them just

1:06:41

because some of them look really

1:06:43

sexy. Now what would constitute a

1:06:46

sexy letter? That one that has to tell by looking

1:06:48

at it. The same as it's still holding on to

1:06:50

it. I bet this one's sexy. Well one that the

1:06:52

corners have been burnt. Oh shit. Someone

1:06:55

sprayed either cologne or perfume on it. You're

1:06:57

talking Doug's language now. And you immediately know

1:06:59

this is a love letter. I've

1:07:01

read a lot of love letters and let me tell you half

1:07:04

the people in this town are

1:07:06

either cheating on each other,

1:07:08

cheating with each other, cheating to

1:07:11

each other or cheating near

1:07:13

each other. I think there were so many ways

1:07:15

to cheat. Oh my god there's a million. And

1:07:17

you're saying they're they're confessing these via a written

1:07:20

letter. Yes. Well

1:07:22

there's enough information I guess who knows that

1:07:24

they're meant to. Huh? Yes. You

1:07:28

know I mean in some ways I'm shocked that people are

1:07:30

still writing letters in this day and age of love

1:07:32

you know. I think it's the aspect of the...

1:07:34

Why are they calling their Instagram ads? I

1:07:38

mean it's always kind of like you

1:07:41

know as always please follow me at...

1:07:45

As always. As always. Hit

1:07:48

that subscribe button. That's a written letter.

1:07:50

It's very... I've been at a harsh side

1:07:53

with it. I think what we've got to

1:07:55

as a crew culture. But I will

1:07:57

say... Yeah that is true because I was just you know expanding on the

1:07:59

fact that wonderful... people were doing something old-fashioned like a

1:08:01

letter but yes you're right they put their handle in

1:08:03

it so what's the point? I guess it's

1:08:05

part of modern life, it's a part of

1:08:07

the modern psychisociety but I will tell you this

1:08:10

after my brush

1:08:12

with death and it wasn't even

1:08:14

a brush it was a full

1:08:17

shower. Not a brush but a shower.

1:08:19

The heightening of a brush. I

1:08:22

mean it's cold brush. You go into a bathroom you

1:08:24

brush your hair. These

1:08:26

are bathroom A bigger

1:08:28

thing than that to do is to take a shower. That's right.

1:08:31

You do your hair until it's ready. Then you take a

1:08:33

shower. But

1:08:36

now when someone complains about

1:08:38

something small, oh you don't like to sell the

1:08:40

fireworks? Put stuff something in

1:08:42

your ear till it's over. Oh you

1:08:44

don't like getting the vaccine? Oh

1:08:47

shut up. Okay. You

1:08:50

don't want to, I don't know, you don't want to

1:08:52

walk your dog? Tell it to the judge.

1:08:56

These are real strong

1:08:58

takes. You want, yeah I don't know,

1:09:00

you want insulin cheaper? Get a freaking

1:09:03

job. Are

1:09:05

you sure you're not someone's dad? No

1:09:08

but what I am is someone that

1:09:10

no longer believes in complaining. Okay.

1:09:13

Can I? That's very... I

1:09:15

hate to point this out. Okay what? I

1:09:17

feel like what you're doing is complaining. Oh

1:09:19

dear. Because you could have... You might have you

1:09:22

there. You could have, you could have, you could

1:09:24

have been good. I'm sorry. You

1:09:26

used a deer when I've used deer before.

1:09:28

No no okay but babe that's what I'm talking

1:09:30

to you. Oh dear is a phrase that can be used. That's

1:09:33

true Doug. That's not one of your, what is

1:09:35

it two months? You get

1:09:37

to give Jonah hard to deer

1:09:39

in a sarcastic way. Because

1:09:42

Julio I think what you're doing is like with

1:09:44

the fireworks is like a perfect example. Yes

1:09:47

people do complain about the fireworks for

1:09:49

various reasons. There are small pets, there

1:09:51

are veterans who have

1:09:53

issues with that. But

1:09:55

don't go to war. Oh that

1:09:57

was right. First and second you...

1:09:59

I thought, nope, that's going to be a bad one. The

1:10:04

draft is a choice. I always say

1:10:06

that. But you could enjoy just the

1:10:08

absence of complaints without going

1:10:10

on there to say, you didn't do the

1:10:12

thing that bothered me and just enjoy the

1:10:14

fact that they didn't do it. That's a

1:10:17

good point. But with all due respect, my

1:10:19

post wasn't a complaint. My post was a

1:10:21

congratulations. It was a thank you. So did

1:10:23

you not? Okay. All right. I

1:10:26

understand tone is a thing again in

1:10:28

social media with text. I think we

1:10:30

both inferred that there was a sarcastic

1:10:33

sort of... One thousand, yes. Yes,

1:10:35

right. So do you not? Do you want

1:10:37

me to read it? The way you were saying things now did

1:10:40

lead me to believe that it was

1:10:42

kind of dismissive and kind of aggressive.

1:10:44

With all due respect, the first post

1:10:47

I wrote maybe was not

1:10:49

as appropriate. It was like, if I

1:10:51

hear someone complain about Star Wars

1:10:54

again, if

1:10:57

I hear someone complain about Star Wars

1:10:59

again, I'm going to shoot

1:11:01

fireworks into your house. Wow. That

1:11:03

is... I changed that. I

1:11:05

changed that. Then I said, if I

1:11:07

hear someone complain about fireworks again, I'm

1:11:10

going to make sure... I'm going

1:11:12

to... What did I say? Oh,

1:11:16

yeah. Make sure you catch non-Huskins

1:11:18

lymphoma. Oh, no. I'm actually

1:11:20

very... And that there are no MRI machines in the entire state

1:11:22

that would be able to... I don't even

1:11:24

know how that would be possible. It's not. But

1:11:27

I'm just trying to get... I'm just trying to

1:11:29

like scare people. It's a scare tactic. Obviously,

1:11:32

I have no control over this. I've never even

1:11:34

seen an MRI machine. I refuse to. Oh,

1:11:36

why is that? Why is that? Yeah.

1:11:39

Too many letters. Three?

1:11:41

I mean, there's more letters in

1:11:43

machines. Right,

1:11:47

but that's a word, not an acronym. What's

1:11:51

your ideal number of letters for an acronym?

1:11:53

True. Absolutely. I'd

1:11:56

add please. You... Wow. You

1:11:58

know... You don't

1:12:03

like that? No. Is

1:12:05

this part of the type 5? Oh, that's a good idea.

1:12:07

Well, you said you don't like that. I'm going to put this

1:12:09

pen. He's getting the patent pen. Better

1:12:13

than my last joke, which is like, hey, I

1:12:15

just came down from Florida and boy, are my

1:12:17

arms exhausted. Oh, I mean. You

1:12:20

just came down from Florida. There's

1:12:22

many parts that actually might have led to

1:12:25

that not working. Probably crossed that one out, yeah. Well,

1:12:28

it is true. It does seem like you

1:12:30

are bothered by a lot of things. The

1:12:35

same things you all are bothered by. Oh, I

1:12:37

don't know about that. There are a few in there

1:12:39

that I... Yeah. Like Star Wars, people complain

1:12:41

about it. It doesn't really get to me. Well, it's just the nature

1:12:43

of being bothered. I don't know that I would ever

1:12:45

make sure someone got Nod Hodgkin's lymphoma in

1:12:47

any scenario. No, I can't. Even as an empty friend,

1:12:50

I would say there is no way I could do

1:12:52

that. No, of course. If

1:12:54

I could find some type of just sort

1:12:56

of like cell matter where I can inject

1:12:58

that to someone and use that as a

1:13:00

real threat, I would have done it years

1:13:02

ago. Why? Why? What

1:13:05

are you talking about? Why would you do

1:13:07

that? You seem like a very nice

1:13:09

fellow, but that's not a scary thing

1:13:11

to say. I'm

1:13:13

sorry. It's just like the human beings,

1:13:15

there's no... How else do you get

1:13:18

people to do what

1:13:20

you want them to do? No, then

1:13:22

inject themselves into them. If

1:13:24

I can just say, is

1:13:26

it really wrong to preach

1:13:28

non-complain? I'm sorry, what? Non-complain?

1:13:31

Non-complaining? You mean non-complaining? Yes.

1:13:35

Okay. But I want to

1:13:37

make... Like compliance with non-complaining. I want to make the

1:13:39

cell more official like non-compliance, but not the word compliance,

1:13:41

so I put them both together. Yeah. Neither

1:13:44

makes sense. Gotcha. But it's a

1:13:46

sticky wicket for sure. My question,

1:13:48

you know, Julio, the one time that

1:13:51

you didn't seem bothered was when you

1:13:53

talked about that underwater submarine society. I

1:13:57

just wonder if you think about that...

1:14:00

a little bit. If you can remember them,

1:14:02

did anything about it? Yeah, trust me, Doug

1:14:04

wants to move there. I'm

1:14:07

imagining that maybe things are different under there.

1:14:09

Do they have different rules? Is it a

1:14:11

more peaceful place? If

1:14:14

that is your home, have you ever thought about me

1:14:16

moving back home exploring what it's like? Do things get

1:14:18

better, say, or wetter? If

1:14:24

I could just say nothing is better down where it's wetter.

1:14:28

Take it from him. The reason why I

1:14:30

don't complain about it, I

1:14:35

don't feel the... No, I remember

1:14:39

growing up in college, all the fellas, because

1:14:42

we were adults, obviously, they would call me

1:14:44

Sand Dick because nothing will

1:14:46

get a woman's vagina drier faster

1:14:49

than your dick. Wow. I mean, they were

1:14:52

right. First of all,

1:14:54

that is such a mean thing to say. I

1:14:56

haven't heard something so mean in a

1:14:59

while. That's just terrible. No wonder you... I

1:15:01

should have talked to my dermatologist, but my

1:15:04

dermatologist said, what did your dermatologist say? Boy,

1:15:06

this sounds like the setup. It

1:15:09

does. My dermatologist... What

1:15:11

did she say? She said,

1:15:14

hey, what are you doing in my house? Again?

1:15:18

Did he even stop going to talk to yourself?

1:15:20

Okay. Now I need to know, how much of

1:15:22

this has been fodder for the Type 5 and

1:15:24

how much of

1:15:28

this are actual experiences that you have?

1:15:30

No, no, no, please. No, I resent

1:15:32

that. None of it is fodder. I

1:15:35

came here to speak the truth. But then

1:15:37

you say things like, is that good? I'm

1:15:40

not serious. I've said that a few times.

1:15:43

I just said a few jokes because

1:15:45

I don't usually have several

1:15:47

people in front of me that I could maybe... I

1:15:50

understand. I understand. I honestly,

1:15:52

I don't know what to say. I

1:15:54

mean, there's so much going on with

1:15:56

you. I think you need

1:15:58

to find your inner peace. And the

1:16:00

thing is, if stand-up really is

1:16:03

your passion, I would pursue that

1:16:05

and maybe you'll find

1:16:11

that the stuff that bothers

1:16:13

you the most, the stuff that seems

1:16:15

to be making you so upset, perhaps

1:16:17

you could just use that energy to

1:16:19

drive your act and channel it into

1:16:21

that. And

1:16:24

if it's in a contained framework, like

1:16:26

a stand-up, then I would maybe be

1:16:28

– I think that that's a better

1:16:30

use of sort of these little –

1:16:32

what do you call them? Pecadillos or

1:16:34

whatever that you have with humanity, better than

1:16:37

a post on The Neighborhood Listen.

1:16:39

Like maybe you could do a five minutes on fireworks

1:16:42

and it's sort of – you know how sometimes these

1:16:44

comics are very kind of rageful but it's sort of

1:16:46

funny, you know what I mean? They get

1:16:48

angry. It's so funny. Oh my God, you just

1:16:50

gave me the greatest of this. So I could

1:16:52

do a whole act on like, if

1:16:55

you complain about fireworks, I'll make sure you

1:16:57

catch – No, no, no, I would not

1:16:59

do that. Let's just say that's cut. That's

1:17:01

cut. Okay. So don't do

1:17:04

that. No, that's – it's out, okay? Yeah. It

1:17:06

had – yeah, it doesn't even get any more tries. It doesn't get any

1:17:08

more stage time. Yeah. I wouldn't

1:17:10

make like direct or indirect threats to anybody

1:17:13

in your stand-up because

1:17:15

I think that's just not – oh, I don't know. Maybe

1:17:17

it's the best way to get people on your side. I'm

1:17:20

like, I hope you catch this. No, I

1:17:22

wouldn't even – No, I wouldn't – we just

1:17:24

give – because you know what? That's not really

1:17:26

a joke, right? What you want in your –

1:17:29

our joke. I mean, hope does sound

1:17:31

more positive, but in this instance –

1:17:33

Just be very generous. Yeah, yeah, yeah,

1:17:35

yeah. Yeah, I think maybe if you get further away

1:17:37

from things you want to do – you know what you're

1:17:40

also doing? And this is not necessarily your

1:17:42

fault because you have these – it sounds

1:17:44

like you have these friends that have given

1:17:46

you a bad time. It sounds like you

1:17:48

were absolutely misled by – A frog. A

1:17:51

frog. Oh my God. So I think

1:17:53

what you're doing is you're only not only in life

1:17:55

but on stage expecting everybody to

1:17:58

already be against you. So you're already – coming

1:18:00

out guns a blazing like well you

1:18:02

don't like it and no one's done

1:18:04

anything yet. So just remember that people

1:18:06

are there to have a good time.

1:18:08

We're here to have a conversation. We're

1:18:10

not against you. I

1:18:12

think if you lead more with

1:18:14

just hey, who likes fireworks? I'm

1:18:17

not a stand up. I have no idea what to do. But

1:18:20

you just talk about little... That's a good

1:18:22

start though. Hey, Joan, that's pretty good. No,

1:18:25

no, no. It has to be the beginnings

1:18:27

of a solid bit. Hey, hey. What's

1:18:30

fireworks? Well,

1:18:32

you're inviting the audience in and... Something

1:18:34

like hey, what's worse? A? Hey

1:18:37

is crucial. I'll start with hey. I think that

1:18:40

was a established... If you're going to do comedy,

1:18:42

you better start with hey. Hey,

1:18:46

what's worse? Diabetes or AIDS? No, no, no.

1:18:48

What's the difference? Either way you get no

1:18:50

sugar. Coolie off. I just thought maybe

1:18:53

like... Coolie off. What

1:18:55

makes you white? What

1:18:57

do you think is funny about saying that?

1:18:59

Because this is what we want to be

1:19:01

is funny. If

1:19:04

shocking is the first

1:19:06

word, then we

1:19:08

don't want it in the act. You know what I mean? Because

1:19:10

I'm not a comedian. I don't have

1:19:13

joke writing skills. Okay, what can I say

1:19:15

that's weird and disgusting that will immediately get

1:19:18

people's attention? Okay, do you want to be

1:19:20

a comedian? What's right there? No,

1:19:22

my grandfather is forcing me. You're a

1:19:24

grandfather. You're still alive. He misses my

1:19:26

son, my dad. He misses my dad. He

1:19:29

wants you to be a stand-up comedian. My

1:19:40

grandfather is... What

1:19:43

should we call it? Lenny

1:19:45

Bruce. What? Really?

1:19:49

And he's not dead? He's

1:19:51

the famous Lenny Bruce? Yes.

1:19:54

You know what? His fellow comedy

1:19:56

makes a little more sense now. I mean, his

1:19:58

sort of rash. yes actually yeah yeah

1:20:00

i don't want to be like that why did he

1:20:03

fake his death or was his death fake by someone

1:20:05

else his

1:20:07

body i mean i can't i don't

1:20:09

i don't want to talk about the public but this

1:20:11

is not public technically uh... where

1:20:14

well we're in a private house short we got a

1:20:16

little we are recording we are recording it will

1:20:18

go off for public attention so

1:20:20

i mean tomato tomato i

1:20:22

guess uh... so the

1:20:24

same people that covered up the

1:20:26

jfk killing same people

1:20:28

that covered up when he disappeared in the

1:20:31

same people that covered up biggie and

1:20:33

uh... to park uh... leaving

1:20:35

together and you're not

1:20:38

a conspiracy guy no no i

1:20:40

think i i really think that you should

1:20:43

visit i think you should be your

1:20:45

homeland i think you need to go back and i think

1:20:47

you need to be underwater with the people i really do

1:20:49

i would encourage you to take a pilgrimage i really would

1:20:51

i think you need to go back there i think

1:20:53

there's a lot of back there for you probably the part of

1:20:55

the world about that you get

1:20:57

the right for the uh... nobody

1:21:00

about the product not know that that's not

1:21:02

going to go back there never definitely not going to

1:21:04

go back there is a coming here for the one

1:21:06

thing that you could

1:21:08

sit there and complain about other people's complaints all

1:21:10

you want but when you do you

1:21:13

become part of the problem all this time i thought

1:21:15

i was a solution but you all may realize that

1:21:17

i was the problem home i'm

1:21:19

gonna kill myself no

1:21:22

just kidding part of the type five how about

1:21:24

no no no part of the type of life

1:21:26

but i feel much better say that i think

1:21:28

there is a lot of that was shocking it

1:21:30

was not going to talk to you but

1:21:33

i really didn't know what that was a real

1:21:35

that was a real on the the trick because

1:21:37

i was very excited that you felt like you

1:21:39

learned a lesson i didn't know i did

1:21:41

too i was i was like all we got

1:21:44

through to somebody no seldom happens on the job

1:21:46

that's all the map and once again it happened

1:21:49

uh... but i thought i thought it happened and what's

1:21:51

the internet and don't we can always say that

1:21:53

and uh... that's a lot of you that's a

1:21:55

lot to you and that's a little bit notion

1:21:57

of being a postman so and

1:22:00

good more

1:22:07

legal but i'll stop of course it's

1:22:09

not even learned a lot today and i'm going to apply it

1:22:11

all to my life and i want to thank you all thank

1:22:15

you lio alright well we'll have more

1:22:17

when the neighbor listen records hi

1:22:27

this is susan uh... i

1:22:29

have a saga palm for free

1:22:32

if anyone is capable to remove properly you

1:22:34

could have this drug message me so you

1:22:36

can see the pictures this is a good

1:22:39

problem and uh... and what i'm offering for

1:22:41

free is uh... what i'd like

1:22:44

uh... actually it's for someone to

1:22:46

come and remove this saga

1:22:49

palm for free you

1:22:51

can have it you know what i mean you need to bring your

1:22:54

equipment you need to be able to bring uh...

1:22:56

it looks like it looks really good that you

1:22:58

could be like jackhammers and stuff like that but you gotta

1:23:00

bring all that stuff i mean i don't have to pay for any

1:23:02

of it because you know look at what

1:23:04

you're getting you're getting a saga palm for free

1:23:06

look at this thing it's kind of like

1:23:08

the shape of a backwards jay uh...

1:23:11

you could make it into some fun things

1:23:13

for the holidays maybe like a

1:23:15

uh... like a hawaiian snowman also if

1:23:17

anyone wants any dirt for free uh...

1:23:19

you could come and vacuum it up

1:23:21

for my rugs or you could uh...

1:23:23

sponge it off of my car for

1:23:25

free uh... you know if

1:23:27

you visit grandkids or even just being around

1:23:30

kids you can come and you can watch

1:23:32

my grandkids for free like literally

1:23:34

nothing i'm not gonna charge you anything i might

1:23:36

go to the grocery store and buy i

1:23:39

don't understand this is a great deal so

1:23:41

uh... i guess i guess i don't like

1:23:43

free stuff don't call me and

1:23:49

welcome back to the day we're listening well hi

1:23:52

uh... i don't know jose

1:23:55

is a troubled person yeah

1:23:58

uh... yeah I

1:24:01

guess I just didn't realize how deep we were going to

1:24:03

go on this journey talking to our neighbors, but it has

1:24:05

gotten wild. It

1:24:08

truly has. It truly has, but I

1:24:10

think it's a

1:24:12

testament to, but who's

1:24:15

absolutely the right word? Can I just

1:24:17

follow whatever it is you were going to say? I

1:24:20

do think there's something about maybe just us or

1:24:22

the environment. There's got to be something about the

1:24:24

chemistry that makes people just sort of tell us

1:24:26

crazy things. They really do. I

1:24:29

will forget they're on a podcast. I'm not sure that

1:24:31

Julio knew at all that this was a podcast, that

1:24:33

if he said this isn't for public consumption, maybe he

1:24:35

doesn't even understand what a podcast is. He seems surprised.

1:24:37

He seems surprised. But people just open

1:24:39

up. It's

1:24:42

interesting. It's sometimes terrifying. It's very

1:24:44

scary. Yeah. Yeah. And

1:24:46

do you think, what is it with the

1:24:49

postman here in this town? Also

1:24:51

that we always just say postman. No one ever says mailman.

1:24:54

We're only... Mailman. God,

1:24:57

never even heard that. Sounds weird. Mailman.

1:24:59

I think that must be a regional thing. It's also

1:25:02

redundant. It must be, yeah. It's also redu...

1:25:04

No. What's it say? It

1:25:06

says redundant. Do you mean to say reductive?

1:25:11

No. No, you think it's M-A-L-E-M-A-N. Maybe I should go to

1:25:13

Nick Riri. Maybe you should. You know what, babe? I bet you

1:25:15

actually would kill if you wind up... it.

1:25:18

Oh, okay. I'm not sure. I'm not

1:25:20

sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure.

1:25:23

I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm

1:25:25

not sure. If you're going to kill me, then

1:25:27

you'll probably be faced with it. Yeah, how about

1:25:29

that? That was really terrible. It's

1:25:31

tough because he sounds like he does not have anybody that's

1:25:33

really in his corner, but then he also seems kind of

1:25:36

an unpleasant person. Yeah, but he doesn't sound...

1:25:38

We didn't talk about friends. We didn't talk about...

1:25:40

He lost his... He doesn't have a girlfriend anymore. His chicken

1:25:43

or the egg. Family or... Yeah. Nature

1:25:46

or nurture. I mean, again,

1:25:48

all of those things you just mentioned would bother him.

1:25:50

And he would probably say they were conspiracy and something

1:25:52

that they didn't want us to know. He

1:25:55

was so early on. He said he's not a conspiracy guy. I know.

1:25:58

So early on. He crammed in. like eight

1:26:00

of them at the end. Yeah,

1:26:02

yeah, that was interesting. Oh,

1:26:05

goodness. Anyways, well, we have a poster sticking of

1:26:07

interesting things that I haven't ever seen one like

1:26:09

this before. Oh, interesting.

1:26:12

This comes from Phil. Phil.

1:26:14

Yep. And he says, Hello,

1:26:16

friends. I am looking for

1:26:19

a good Christian chiropractor. Any

1:26:22

recommendations? Now, what?

1:26:25

What? What? This

1:26:28

is a serious post. First of

1:26:30

all, I'm not sure that anyone

1:26:32

is even allowed to phone an office or

1:26:34

a place of business and demand what the

1:26:36

religion of the person is. I'm not sure.

1:26:41

I think sometimes they advertise it

1:26:43

if they'd like to. But

1:26:45

I would like to think that he would

1:26:47

have done a quick Google search himself to

1:26:50

find that. And then probably found

1:26:52

absolutely nothing. Absolutely nothing. Because is

1:26:54

that even a thing? I don't.

1:26:56

Because does it mean, does it

1:26:59

mean a chiropractor who is also

1:27:01

a Christian or is there something

1:27:03

that is specifically Christian chiropracty that

1:27:06

we don't know about? Oh,

1:27:09

like they have like a specific method. Yes.

1:27:11

A laying on of hands. I

1:27:14

don't know. Prayer is involved. Are you put on

1:27:16

a cross and that's the adjustment? Boy, oh boy.

1:27:19

I don't know. There is like a gravity thing, of course.

1:27:23

Fair enough. He wouldn't believe

1:27:25

how it lengthens your spot. He

1:27:27

was hanging from a bar. He

1:27:29

was. He was. We're talking about

1:27:32

Jesus Christ. We like Jesus

1:27:35

Christ. But also is

1:27:37

it just sort of

1:27:39

like, I would almost understand sort of

1:27:41

like, is there times when ladies will ask for like

1:27:43

a female masseuse or they're not comfortable with a male?

1:27:45

You know, I'm trying to figure out what's the, is

1:27:47

it a comfort level of some sort? Like I don't

1:27:49

want anyone who doesn't share in my

1:27:52

belief that that is the question. It's like, do you

1:27:54

just want to be with someone else who's Christian regardless

1:27:56

of whether or not their skill as a chiropractor

1:27:58

is best. Like you're saying, is

1:28:01

it that a Christian chiropractor is better

1:28:03

skill-wise? What if an agnostic touched me?

1:28:06

I'd feel it forever. Maybe he's worried. It's

1:28:09

kind of funny. Go on then. Go on

1:28:11

then. Go back to a little tennis thriller. I'm thinking

1:28:13

of a type 5. Hey,

1:28:16

babe. This

1:28:21

might be odd, but I was just thinking

1:28:24

like when they're cracking your back and

1:28:27

they hear a loud crack, your

1:28:30

natural reaction might be, go,

1:28:32

Jesus Christ. Oh,

1:28:35

I see. Right. So

1:28:37

we want, why would he want a chiropractor then that

1:28:39

was Christian? Because he would think he couldn't say that

1:28:41

in front of him. Yeah. That

1:28:43

doesn't make sense. He either wants it or he doesn't want that.

1:28:46

Okay. Ooh, I think you're right. I think it

1:28:48

can be narrowed down to those two. But

1:28:52

it is funny that we're talking about a chiropractor, which

1:28:55

I think may be a good thing.

1:28:58

Many people believe is its own sort of, what

1:29:01

do I want to say? Yeah,

1:29:03

there are people who just

1:29:05

think it's not real science

1:29:08

and there's no such thing. Right.

1:29:11

And that's what many people could say and

1:29:13

do say about religion. Absolutely. So interesting that

1:29:15

you want a Christian chiropractor. It's almost like

1:29:17

you're saying nothing. Do

1:29:20

you think this

1:29:22

is that firebrand comedian Ricky

1:29:24

Gervais trolling the chiropractor? The

1:29:27

chiropractic industry. God, if

1:29:29

he's here in Dingley Falls, if he's just

1:29:31

going on different neighbor house. It's all over

1:29:34

the place. Just causing mayhem. Just so he

1:29:36

can get somebody to push out his spine and he can

1:29:38

say, I know what you believe is a fairy tale. I

1:29:42

guess. Burns, that's probably the most logical solution.

1:29:44

Yeah, I don't. I mean, of all the, I

1:29:46

mean, but you can, you, you as

1:29:48

a customer can ask someone if they're a

1:29:50

Christian at a business, they don't have to

1:29:53

tell you. And also they don't have to tell the truth. How

1:29:55

do you know that they're going to? If they

1:29:57

think you're going to get some business, then go,

1:29:59

yeah, sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah, but then

1:30:01

if the person wants to pray before

1:30:03

the procedure

1:30:06

Again, we're giving it a lot of have you

1:30:09

ever been to chiropractor burnt? No,

1:30:11

I never have because I was I

1:30:13

was so terrified of them. Yeah from

1:30:16

Seeing something, you know of somebody that I that

1:30:19

I dated many years ago Used

1:30:21

to ask me to to

1:30:23

crack her back. Oh, uh-huh and I

1:30:26

was always terrified when I you know Tell me

1:30:29

yours what you do and I

1:30:31

would do it, but it always absolutely

1:30:33

scared me. I'm going to paralyze this

1:30:35

person Yes, yes, it's terrifying that never

1:30:37

happened. But I don't I went one

1:30:40

time and really had that thing where it's

1:30:42

like If you had told me what

1:30:44

she was going to do I would have ran

1:30:46

screaming what happened. What did they do? Oh, I

1:30:48

was down on a almost like a bench for

1:30:50

weightlifting You know, it's kind of what it looked

1:30:52

like but just raised up a little bit Right

1:30:54

and and it was just like Jesus

1:30:56

was on the third day And

1:31:00

I Don't

1:31:02

know. I mean it really I would have said that what it

1:31:04

probably looks like was that she broke my neck, you know Was

1:31:08

it for your neck you had a specific neck neck

1:31:10

problem. I mean now here's the thing really

1:31:13

fixed it Well, I know

1:31:15

I mean some people swear by it. They

1:31:17

do some people swear by they're not Christian

1:31:19

people You know, you shouldn't swear if you're

1:31:21

Christian Real

1:31:24

Christian you wouldn't swear or you know

1:31:26

And then and then the other thing is like is

1:31:28

this sort of that thing like does

1:31:30

anyone know any? Vegan

1:31:33

architects around you know, like is

1:31:35

this is this someone looking for

1:31:37

a partner because it feels

1:31:40

like maybe sure I mean, hey

1:31:42

any cut any Christian chiropractors like

1:31:45

that. That's their wish list. You know

1:31:47

what I mean? Yeah, they're just trying to

1:31:49

find a life partner. That's gonna be it

1:31:51

too. Hey any Any lot eight millionaires out

1:31:53

there I

1:32:01

would just be more comfortable with a Luddite millionaire. I like

1:32:04

that angle. I think that might be possible. That's

1:32:08

what's happening here. Because otherwise, it's

1:32:10

too out of left field. It's

1:32:14

just wild. Well,

1:32:16

I hope this person finds his Christian

1:32:18

chiropractor and that we see the Hallmark

1:32:20

movie about it next year. Did

1:32:24

Hallmark ever get religious in those things? Oh God.

1:32:27

It is without being so. Yes,

1:32:29

exactly. It's very clear. The idea

1:32:31

of faith is implied, but it's

1:32:34

not like they don't mention Jesus

1:32:36

or anything. No, but they don't have to. It's

1:32:38

so clear. Right. I literally did

1:32:40

have a friend that wrote a few movies and said that

1:32:43

their notes were incredibly religious. Wow,

1:32:46

really? Like conservative and again,

1:32:48

without saying it, but kind of thing. Yes.

1:32:51

I remember once talking to someone who

1:32:54

was writing a Hallmark movie.

1:32:56

I don't know if it was officially a Hallmark

1:32:58

movie or just one of those adjacent sort of

1:33:00

things. And it was, of

1:33:03

course, it was a Christmas movie. And of course, it was about a

1:33:05

snowman who came to life and he was a hunky guy. Right.

1:33:09

Yeah. It sounds like one of our interviews. Yes.

1:33:12

And then I saw some announcement about it and I

1:33:14

wrote to this friend of mine that said, hey, congratulations.

1:33:16

That's not the one that I'm writing. So

1:33:19

there were two. Oh boy.

1:33:23

Well, anyways, what was his name? His

1:33:26

name was was it Phil? Phil. Phil.

1:33:30

I think so. Yes. Phil. We

1:33:34

wish you all the best. And also was not was

1:33:36

not specific in terms of gender. So you know,

1:33:38

may not may not maybe didn't matter. All the

1:33:40

matter was Christian and chiropractor. And I hope it's

1:33:42

happily ever after. Happily

1:33:45

ever crack, cracker. No

1:33:47

good. Type

1:33:49

five. I

1:33:55

mean, I think you want to put it on speed and see what

1:33:57

people say. Okay. We'll do that.

1:34:00

What? What? What's going

1:34:02

on? Was that the pottery wheel? I'm on the pottery wheel.

1:34:04

I got stuck on the wheel. So it's not just a

1:34:06

room for sports fans. You got stuck on the wheel? Are

1:34:09

you sitting on the wheel spinning around? Yes.

1:34:12

Oh no, no, no, no,

1:34:14

no. Rule number three. No, no.

1:34:17

I'm on the wheel, Jim. I'm sure we're

1:34:19

not allowed to play that. Maybe we talk

1:34:21

over this. Fine. Well, that's all the time

1:34:23

we have for this episode of the Neighborhood

1:34:25

Listen. Thank you so much for listening, and

1:34:28

we'll be back next week with more. Until

1:34:31

then, goodbye. And bye. Bye.

1:34:37

I can't, I can't. All

1:34:40

of the posts used in this episode are real. Only Shanty

1:34:43

Tropical specifics have changed. The Neighborhood

1:34:45

Listen is hosted and produced by me,

1:34:47

Olaf Tompkins. And me, Nicole Parker. And

1:34:50

me, Brett Morris. This episode's guest was

1:34:52

played by Payam Bonifaz. The

1:34:54

Neighborhood Listen is a production of Comedy Bang Bang World. Go

1:34:56

to cbbworld.com to unlock the entire history of

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