0:00

Hi, I'm Paul F. Tompkins. And I'm

0:02

Nicole Parker. On this podcast, we improvise

0:04

in character using real posts from a

0:06

popular neighborhood networking website. Occasionally, we

0:08

change the names of some streets. And

0:10

that's all you need to know. To support

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the show and unlock the ad free archive,

0:14

as well as exclusive monthly episodes of The

0:17

Bonus Room, go to cbbworld.com and sign up

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for a Maximus membership. And now please

0:21

enjoy this episode of The Neighborhood

0:23

Listen. Knock,

0:26

knock. Who's there? Your

0:28

neighbor. Good. In

0:30

Dignity Falls, you're never alone. You've

0:32

got the Neighbor Half App and

0:34

us, Bernd and Joan. From coyotes

0:36

to mail theft to weird things

0:38

to sell. We'll cover it all.

0:40

And meet new neighbors as well.

0:42

We'll chat about any posts you're

0:44

missing. So just tune in to

0:47

The Neighborhood Listen. Welcome

0:53

once again to The Neighborhood Listen. That was

0:55

like Bernd, that was like an announcer like

0:57

when I was a kid that was like

0:59

next up and would announce what the movie

1:02

of the week was. Oh, the movie. Very

1:04

announcer-y. That's a thing. Just don't have that anymore. The

1:06

movie of the week. I know because now it's

1:08

just, well, everything

1:11

has the movie of the week now. There's

1:13

literally a movie every week. But

1:16

you remember. Who were you just then? You

1:18

changed. Oh, I was just disgusted. Oh, I

1:20

see. With the way things are. You really

1:23

were. I really was. Just too, there's

1:25

too much stuff now. Oh boy, we're going

1:27

to have this conversation again. Bernd does this a

1:29

lot now. Just too much stuff. Too much of

1:31

everything. Too much of everything. I don't necessarily disagree

1:34

with you. I understand. I do think that we

1:36

consume way too much, period. Absolutely.

1:38

Too many TV shows. There are a lot of TV

1:40

shows. Too many kinds of

1:43

gum. Are you, there are,

1:45

this is an annoyingly large amount of

1:47

gum. Do you, we know

1:49

that you, at one point, maybe around last year, you

1:51

were watching Stranger Things, but you'd only watched the first

1:53

minute of the first episode. So I'm not

1:56

sure we can really say. That's correct. I'm

1:58

not sure we can really say that you watched that. show

2:00

are you watching anything right now but

2:02

have you okay fine I mean is

2:04

that fair to say? Scene

2:07

is more fair than watch that is right

2:09

your eyeballs look at it. I have seen

2:11

it. Your eyeballs viewed the first minute. I

2:13

think it's just the credits frequently. You just

2:15

saw that big S and that's the card and

2:18

that big A and then doo doo doo doo doo doo

2:22

doo doo doo. Yeah so I but what

2:24

are you asking me? I'm asking

2:26

you are you watching and I mean

2:28

watching not just seeing. Okay. Are

2:30

you watching any of these shows of which there are

2:33

too many. Let's

2:36

see it all

2:38

blurs together into a melange. Did

2:41

you say melange? No

2:43

I didn't. Okay it really sounded

2:46

like you did. Melange. Oh

2:48

I see that just sound like there was an R in there. Thank

2:50

you. Wow I mean you really act

2:52

like I was just playing. When you play it back you're

2:54

going to hear that R. That's hard R. Don't say

2:56

hard R. What have I done? Nothing. Thank

2:59

God nothing. But

3:03

you know I watched this reality show and it's

3:05

called Southern Charm. Oh

3:19

yeah they look like douches. Well

3:22

they are. Okay. And but

3:24

what's interesting about this. Doug did you just gasp? Are you afraid they're

3:26

going to come through? I think I'm afraid you said that. Do you

3:28

watch Southern Charm Doug? No no

3:30

no no just you're surprised at the

3:32

language that you used. Doug

3:36

Doug our engineer by the

3:38

way well let's introduce ourselves. Yes we

3:40

probably should. I'm burnt me a payday

3:42

I am a pharmacist here in the

3:45

neighborhood of Dignity Falls. Yes and I

3:47

am Joan pedestrian and I am the top realtor

3:49

here at Dignity Falls and see and I just

3:51

sort of rushed through it Dignity Falls that sort

3:53

of was. You said Dignity Falls. I heard a

3:55

hard R in there. Okay.

3:59

Okay. Alright, one time. One

4:02

time. One time. One time. My

4:07

favorite thought. Two times the

4:09

same one. Now you know what? I should say

4:11

that this is not the

4:13

neighborhood of Dignity Falls, the town of

4:16

Dignity Falls, and of course there are

4:18

neighborhoods within our town. Oh,

4:20

this is a... I wasn't prepared

4:22

for this part of the podcast. Well, we

4:24

never really said this before, but of course

4:26

there's different parts of... There's

4:28

Old Dig, there's... Oh, sure,

4:30

sure. There's Fraternity Row. Dignity

4:32

Heights Fraternity Row. Which is... It's

4:35

adults living there. It's adults... They're all brothers.

4:37

It's a row of homes. It

4:40

is populated by one family. All

4:48

men, all brothers. All brothers. All

4:50

men are brothers and they have all the same sort of activities that

4:52

a fraternity does. But

4:54

they're all married. They're all married. So

4:57

it's quite different. But yes,

4:59

but you're right. There are many different

5:02

sections and there's many different groups

5:04

and communities. And

5:07

it's a real... It's a rich...

5:11

Tapestry. Rich tapestry. And

5:13

the person who just said tapestry is Doug,

5:15

my husband. You have an introduction

5:17

yourself. I did. I said I'm Joe Pedestrian.

5:20

Oh, Dirty Befalls. That's right. I forgot. Yeah.

5:26

And my husband, I actually just... I know where

5:28

he is because I heard him crack open a

5:30

cold one. He is in the beer room. And

5:33

let me explain. One of

5:35

his fantasies has been, you know, all those like endless

5:37

football commercials where the guys are watching the game. It's

5:40

like, want a brew? And then he opens a door

5:42

and it's just like... It's

5:44

like you open the door to a

5:46

magic beer room. And that's

5:48

like a narnia where you can grab a beer

5:50

out of a cold. It's like you teleport to

5:53

the top of, you know, a mountain. And

5:55

you just... There's this endless beer. And

5:57

so he built one. back

6:00

builder through the roof because

6:03

there's like snow in there there's actual you know

6:05

okay that's gonna cost you for sure no like

6:09

there's no actual you created

6:14

in that room yeah to where there's real

6:16

snow there's real snow and it's like Mount

6:18

Everest where you can't stay there well you

6:20

have to keep walking you don't have to

6:22

go home the altitude changes

6:24

when you go in there you really can't do

6:27

change the altitude doesn't change the atmosphere

6:29

change with a deer wow

6:34

okay I get one I get one

6:36

a week that

6:42

is true that's all he's allowed what I guess

6:44

I mean to say is he changed the atmosphere

6:46

to make it feel like the altitude and changed

6:48

yes then I know he

6:50

spent a lot of time maybe going too far maybe

6:53

enough to have a beer coldest beers you've ever had

6:55

just to make people shorter

6:58

breath all this beers you've ever had

7:00

oh my gosh so

7:02

it's just his favorite thing to to

7:05

just go in there crack crack one open how

7:07

is it is it cold babe it's

7:09

actually too cold well I'm just waiting for

7:11

it to warm up a little bit the

7:16

problem is it's not your own but

7:18

are you don't want

7:20

it to freeze like what a twilight oh no

7:22

it's too cold beer slushy yeah I'm still dialing in the temperature

7:30

but I got a bunch of

7:33

fans so when you open the door you get

7:35

a gust the wind spiral

7:37

sort of gusts and those

7:39

fans are I'm assuming whisper

7:41

quiet like an

7:46

airplane turbine you open it up it's

7:48

just the loudest thing in the house

7:50

where it's like it's unless you close it the

7:52

wind tunnel just goes through the hole and you

7:55

have to face the wind as you walk

7:57

in so it's actually tough to walk yes

8:00

a waiver before you go in. This

8:02

sounds like more trouble than it's worth honestly and

8:05

I never say that about any of these rooms.

8:07

Really not even the sizzler? I didn't even say

8:09

it about the sizzler. This one sounds like more

8:11

trouble than it's worth. By the way in the

8:13

last episode we discussed that we have a sizzler room

8:15

where Doug recreated the buffet of sizzler but there were

8:18

people there and then we had to hire a cook

8:20

and now there were customers and now

8:22

he did add the crepe station. I'm very sorry

8:24

to believe. So I did not expect

8:26

that room to survive but you're

8:28

saying... You bought more shiny brick and there's a

8:30

crepe station. In the last

8:33

episode he had one if you remember. Right. It turns

8:35

out tiles actually do the trick. I was

8:37

thinking more of the shiny... What does that

8:39

mean? Tiles do the trick. I was really

8:41

stuck on shiny bricks and in my memory

8:43

of sizzler there were a lot of

8:45

shiny bricks. And you've gone with shiny

8:48

tile? No but then what I realized is like

8:50

oh that's just tile. Like

8:52

tile works as a shiny brick. Okay

8:55

babe. Tile works as a shiny brick. I

8:57

think we'll end that part there. Let's talk about

9:00

how you're doing and what television shows you're

9:02

watching. Oh it's a southern charm. Oh did you hear how

9:04

he said okay he's mad. Oh southern charm. That's

9:06

how this all started. That's right.

9:08

Because you watched southern charm. I did not realize you watched southern

9:11

charm. Yeah I got

9:13

into it because I've never been to Charleston,

9:15

South Carolina. And this show is set there.

9:17

Oh it's really... It is lovely there. Oh

9:19

that's right here. Yeah. It's haunted. So haunted. Is

9:21

that so? Oh so haunted. I took a... That's not a problem

9:24

for me. Oh that's right. You don't believe in ghosts. I do

9:26

believe in ghouls. I do believe in ghouls. I

9:29

went on one of those scary haunted

9:32

tours one night. Right. Is the one where they make you walk

9:34

around? They do make you walk around yes. You don't

9:36

like that. How would you prefer

9:39

your haunted town tour to go? Like

9:41

a bus? I

9:43

would like to sit in some sort of vehicle. Like

9:45

a golf cart and then you're just... A golf cart.

9:47

You know for one reason they have golf carts there.

9:50

I guess they do. Yes they do drive them around.

9:52

So you can drive them around in the city? Yeah I

9:54

get to be more fun for a ghost tour. Yes.

9:56

You know I remember vividly the one that they told me

9:59

that was the scariest. In South Carolina? In

10:01

Charleston, South Carolina? In Charleston, South Carolina? I've

10:04

been, I've been. Oh,

10:07

I hope not. No, because they're terrible. They're

10:09

terrible people. They were salmon-colored blazers. So there's this

10:11

one restaurant, right? It's a famous restaurant. It's

10:13

an old restaurant. And there's like a hotel across the street. And

10:16

she's like, oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm

10:18

sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

10:20

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. And

10:23

so you know, I'm sorry that I'm sorry. And so I'm sorry.

10:25

And so I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

10:28

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. But

10:30

it's a famous restaurant. It's an old restaurant. in

10:33

the window, but that's not it. There's a, there's a restroom. You know,

10:35

the restroom was like, you know, One woman was in the

10:37

restroom once and you know how like the doors swing in,

10:39

you know, and then and then you, you know, you get

10:41

in and you close them like this, but they'll swing a

10:44

bathroom door swings in, right? You know,

10:46

like a stall, a stall door swings in

10:48

towards the toilet. Sorry. I

10:50

need to be more specific. I haven't forgotten my mistake

10:52

last year when I called a skylight, a sunroof and I

10:55

will never get over it. I

10:57

think it was the other way around. I

10:59

know. I mean, I meant to say

11:02

skylight and all that came out with sunroof and it just made so

11:04

much sense to me at the time. Of course.

11:07

So, okay. So the bathroom stall, okay.

11:09

So a woman was going into the bathroom and

11:11

she thought that maybe something was, uh, was in

11:13

there. She looked at something. Was it? She

11:16

saw feet. She looks underneath and she saw feet.

11:18

Probably a person. I know. And I,

11:20

this is where probably they made up this story

11:22

for effect, but this still scared the bejesus out

11:24

of me. Maybe, cause this would be a bold

11:26

thing to do if you thought it was an

11:28

actual, the elderly lady in there, but this person

11:31

pushed the swinging

11:33

door in, but it went through the

11:35

woman and then went through it to

11:37

her again. Like going, isn't that

11:39

scary? That's one of the worst ghost

11:42

stories I've ever heard. You

11:46

heard him here first, Charles. I

11:49

mean, they could have

11:51

made up anything and that's what they came up

11:53

with. Oh, I

11:55

thought it was such a, that image is seared

11:58

in my brain. How scary. phantom

12:00

woman? Yes and they're coming back through. It's great.

12:03

I guess it means a little bit at the

12:05

top of why this other woman just shoved the

12:07

door open. I know, I forget that part.

12:09

I forget the preamble. You gotta

12:11

remember the preamble. So you're just watching

12:15

Southern Charm. Yes and these people you

12:17

know reality shows I don't

12:19

I don't really watch them but

12:21

I did want to see the scenery of Charles and

12:23

South Carolina which is very beautiful. How do you think

12:25

of this sort of, I don't want to say obsession,

12:27

but this interest in Charles and South Carolina came about?

12:30

Well you know I'm a fan of the

12:32

works of Edgar Allen Poe and

12:35

he spent some time

12:37

in Charleston. Okay. And

12:41

so I thought well I want to see what this is all about. Because

12:43

you're right, so I could have left it. But

12:46

then you don't really get a lot of Charleston

12:48

in Southern Charm. Oh I

12:50

see, that's why you wanted to start watching. I said why were

12:52

you so interested in, okay so you were so interested in it

12:54

because Edgar Allen Poe and you thought instead of going, when you

12:56

said let's see what this is all about, I thought you were

12:58

talking about going to Charleston. No I

13:01

would love to go at some point. I

13:04

just haven't found the time.

13:06

Don't you get vacation days

13:08

as a pharmacist? Yes

13:10

I just don't, I tend not to use

13:12

them. Oh I hate it when people do that. Come

13:15

on you gotta get out, how come you don't use them?

13:17

Well because people need it. Because you know you don't, it's

13:19

not like you'll get paid extra. Right it's not, you'll just

13:21

use those. Exactly. There's no gold

13:23

star for not using them. Well now I

13:25

haven't lost mine but I do

13:27

have, how many do I have now

13:29

accrued? A

13:31

thousand and ten vacation

13:34

days. That's way too

13:36

many, you realize that's several years worth.

13:38

I guess it is. I guess

13:40

it is. Now that you mention it, I guess it

13:42

is. You could leave Disney Falls

13:44

for like three years.

13:47

Well I can't imagine doing that. I

13:49

know but you would certainly take a weekend trip to Charleston.

13:52

I guess, I mean maybe I'll do

13:54

it. I just travel a month. I

13:56

have traveled and it's been a while

13:58

since I've been here. I traveled and

14:01

you know I don't know that

14:03

Disneyland once you walked in you just

14:05

overwhelmed you you know but it was the day

14:08

I was there the day that that Tigger

14:17

quit yes

14:19

there was a there was a

14:21

guy playing Tigger and on

14:23

the day that he quit he walked out

14:25

of the park in his Tigger costume no

14:27

way I can't believe they let him I

14:30

can't believe they let him either but I was he

14:32

was in my way so I was trying to get

14:35

in and I had an exchange with him where I

14:37

said excuse me and he said don't worry about it and

14:40

his voice or Tigger voice in

14:42

his voice okay whoever that person was and

14:45

I thought well that's a little sloppy something to

14:47

me I mean I guess those big

14:49

heads I guess we call them they don't really

14:51

speak they're called big heads so the characters are

14:53

divided into big head and

14:59

little heads and little heads are the ones

15:01

like a captain hook would

15:03

be a little head because you see his actual little head little

15:09

head those

15:11

heads are big I mean they're not

15:13

denying that I do not deny this

15:15

premise those heads are big and

15:17

also they don't speak right so the people

15:20

who are in the big characters they don't speak because

15:22

the voice would be muffle cool

15:25

cool cool it was wonderful thing

15:27

it was sound you the child would

15:29

instantly think there's somebody trapped in there

15:31

it would sound yeah it would sound strange

15:34

so that is interesting that you there's

15:36

no technology that can amplify a voice and

15:38

none whatsoever especially certainly not that didn't get

15:40

all done I

15:44

wish I knew which is interesting though that

15:46

he was able to leave the premises with that I mean

15:48

they'll shoot you right on spot I've heard if you try

15:50

to leave I don't it's wild that it happened that

15:52

they I think that because this had never been

15:54

done before perhaps and they were just a son

15:56

like guard yeah Tigger did you want to leave

15:58

and I wonder what that looks like.

16:00

He got in his car, drove away, just to tigger. Did he

16:02

tip the head off? I wouldn't.

16:05

If I were going to go that far, I

16:08

would drive home in the head. I

16:10

would drive home in the big head. In that big,

16:12

big head. Wow. Well, listen, I

16:14

really do think that you should, I think

16:17

you should travel to Charleston. I think that this is

16:19

sort of, um, you need to make

16:21

that pilgrimage. I think you need to sort of take that step. Ooh,

16:23

pilgrimage. You bring me back a tube. Yeah, I don't

16:25

know what it is. If you go. Oh my

16:27

gosh. You talking about Charleston shoes, babe? Oh, my favorite. Well,

16:29

you know, you can get them anyway. Yeah, you can get

16:31

them at his pharmacy. Yeah, but imagine how good they are.

16:33

Oh, wait, are you talking about it's like British

16:36

chocolate is better than like chocolate over here?

16:39

Yeah. You haven't

16:41

really had a Charleston shoe. You're talking to

16:43

a man who built a mountain in his house

16:46

so he could get mountain beer. Oh, that's

16:48

true. Yeah. This is

16:50

sad, those commercials. They're the

16:52

saddest things in the world. Is

16:56

that the sound of the clean air? Yes, that is

16:58

the sound of the air. I

17:02

truly thought that there was a supernatural presence here.

17:06

It doesn't sound normal. It actually sounds

17:09

like a race. Oh,

17:11

I love to crack over the cold beer with

17:13

one of the knobs goo. All

17:19

right. I would turn

17:21

that fan down. Yeah, for sure. Yeah. What's

17:24

going on with you? Oh, with me?

17:27

What's going on with me watching television? What's going on

17:29

with you? Well, I'm thinking about doing something that,

17:32

well, I don't know. I just don't have a

17:34

murder. What are you talking about? Why would that

17:36

come out of your mouth? I

17:38

don't know. The way you said it. I don't

17:41

know. I'm thinking

17:43

of doing a Christmas cabaret. A Christmas

17:46

cabaret? That sounds like a wonderful idea.

17:48

The opposite of a murder. You

17:51

know what? You're right. Can

17:54

you think of anything more opposite? Can

17:57

I think of murder and how heinous it is?

18:00

I think the opposite of that, Christmas kind

18:02

of pop into my mind. Listen, I never

18:05

done that before. I've always been

18:07

in sort of like, you know,

18:09

Christmas carolers groups, just, you know,

18:11

walking around town and then

18:15

I thought, oh, maybe I'll do a Christmas album. You were

18:17

in that group of carolers, the under 50s. Yes.

18:20

Yeah. The women under 50. It's

18:24

to be specific. And it was, you

18:27

were welcome if you were a woman who could sing from

18:29

zero to 49. It's

18:32

weird that I wasn't asked to be in the women over 42 chorus. No,

18:34

but you were asked to be in the women under

18:36

50. But that doesn't mean it was under 50. Yes.

18:44

And, you know, our rehearsals are great.

18:46

They're whenever we want them to be.

18:48

Sometimes one of us just shows up

18:50

and it's fine. And we

18:52

just say, I'm sorry, I couldn't make it. And we

18:54

all say it's fine. That's right. Because it's

18:56

the same 12 songs. It's the same 12 songs. Year after year. And

18:59

no one, there's no judgments. And you

19:01

come as yourself. Who gives a shit?

19:03

Who gives a shit? And

19:07

we just, the trick is though, if

19:10

you haven't sort of been in a situation where

19:12

you're singing a lot of different carols and sometimes

19:14

a medley, we do this medley. And I don't

19:16

know why we do it. Because every time we

19:19

do it, no one can remember which song comes

19:21

next. Because the interesting thing about a

19:23

lot of Christmas songs is the chords are so similar.

19:25

It could be all different kinds. So what you get

19:27

is people trying to guess what the next one is.

19:29

Park out the bells, what child is this? Right.

19:32

They're like, just nuts,

19:34

roasty, I'll be home

19:36

for cringing. Like literally,

19:39

someone's accompanying us on a guitar. I

19:41

thought it was a washboard for what you were doing. Which.

19:45

I'm not known for my object work, Bert. I'm

19:48

not good at it. I

19:53

wouldn't mind if they were accompanied by a washboard. I

19:55

think it could be interesting. Little rustic. And

19:59

it otter in there. That's right.

20:02

No, I just, we never really sort

20:04

of remember the order and he just

20:06

keeps strumming the same chords and different

20:08

people guess which carol it is and

20:10

it's a disaster. So I

20:12

think we should just stick to single songs.

20:15

But that's kind of one of the reasons is that I

20:17

get tired of just singing one specific

20:19

line in a Christmas song. I would

20:22

like to just do my own, you

20:24

know, cabaret, just sitting on a stool,

20:26

you know, just with some eggnog, just

20:28

do it down at the rec center, you know,

20:31

and just, and I don't know, I don't even

20:33

know if I need to charge anything. Just

20:36

a little trio. Just need

20:38

a trio. Very nice. Yeah, just a...

20:40

You know, speaking of eggnog, we haven't

20:43

talked about your drinking lately and is

20:45

that still on track? Well, it

20:48

feels rough. I think the only thing we

20:50

ask me about is my drinking. Well,

20:55

I just realized we haven't talked about it a

20:57

while. Usually you'll volunteer. You know, you're making your

20:59

own drinks, a joncini or whatever. And

21:02

I haven't heard of you indulging in a

21:04

mixology in quite some time. I

21:06

suppose that is true. I suppose that is true.

21:08

I do think that I got really caught up

21:10

with, I mean, speaking of reality

21:12

shows, you know, all the

21:14

realty, you know, the selling sunset. It's really

21:17

put me in a bad spot. It's put

21:19

me in a real paranoid spot that I

21:21

have to just be... Flip it and grip it. Is

21:23

that one? I don't

21:26

know. And so I've just

21:28

been so busy because I don't

21:30

think I've really had time during... I've been so busy trying

21:32

to shoot a pilot for my own. I really... Really? Yes,

21:34

I would really like to do... Did you tell me about

21:36

this before? I didn't. I didn't want to talk about it

21:38

because it's one of those things where it's like, you

21:41

know, I'm putting a lot of money into it and

21:43

I'm putting a lot of time into it. And

21:46

I just... I'm very nervous, you know, and I'm nervous

21:48

I don't look right, you know, so I'm going to

21:50

get a total face change. What

21:53

does that... A

21:55

total... Is

22:00

that the name of the procedure? A

22:03

total face change! Yes!

22:06

That sounds... no, that

22:08

sounds... extreme! Well,

22:11

guess what? That's what it takes to get on TV

22:13

now, to get on reality television as a realtor. I

22:16

don't know. You see what they look like?

22:18

Total face change! It's the only way! And

22:21

I can't drink for five months before the

22:23

procedure. Oh no, are you sure you're using

22:25

it? No, you got it out of me. I'm not drinking right

22:27

now. Because you have to get a total face change.

22:31

You say, before total face change,

22:34

you cannot have alcohol for five

22:36

months. Any other restrictions? Any other

22:38

things you have to worry about? I

22:41

have to... I have to stop

22:43

eating. Stop eating! At a certain

22:47

point, or... And

22:50

I have to... I have to sell a box of

22:52

candy bars. What?! Joan!

22:55

It's very expensive. And so

22:57

this is what people do, you know? Did you free

22:59

the cost of the TFP? Yes, yes.

23:02

It's very expensive. And

23:07

so I just have to raise the money. And

23:14

I'm scared, you know? It's scary. It's a real

23:17

scary... It sounds terrifying. Do

23:19

you know what your face will look like?

23:28

Just different hands. I

23:31

think we should... Different hands? They

23:34

have to... I feel like they... Not this! They

23:37

have to give you some indication. Here's

23:39

what you're going to look like. They

23:42

can't just say it's going to be completely

23:44

different. Well, they don't... Do

23:47

you go over the picture like you're getting your hair cut?

23:51

They tell you that psychologically it's not good for

23:53

you to have a picture. I

24:00

don't have an idea in your head what you want to look like. Oh,

24:02

this doesn't sound good, Joan. Joan,

24:04

this doesn't sound good. I, as

24:07

your friend, as your friend,

24:10

I would advise you not to do this. Thank you.

24:13

That's not on board. I don't love it. I

24:15

don't want the idea. I don't blame them. A

24:17

total face change. They say

24:19

you shouldn't go in with expectations. They just, when

24:21

you open your eyes, whatever it is, you say,

24:23

okay. Oh, no, Joan, you mustn't do this.

24:25

You must. I don't know. I

24:28

think it's the last resort. So I'm going to do one.

24:30

It's your own pilot. I'm

24:32

going to do it. Exactly. It's your own show.

24:34

I think you get to set the rules. Right,

24:37

but I mean, if I'm going to compete with all of these other shows,

24:39

you know, I've got to, I have to look different, you know? But

24:42

I mean, it's, can you, what

24:44

about... Yeah, Doug. What

24:48

do you got there? This is a Hail Mary. Okay.

24:51

What about a big head? Oh,

24:54

this I like. What? Like

24:57

a what? Like a human big head? Yeah,

24:59

like a Tigger head. Like a Tigger head.

25:01

But you're telling? I just said a human

25:03

head and he said, yeah, like a Tigger

25:05

head. A human head, like a Tigger head. And

25:08

what you do is you

25:11

make it look like one

25:13

of those people from those shows. But

25:16

it's just slightly bigger than your head.

25:18

They say big heads get harder

25:21

this too. Why are you getting that sentence? Big

25:24

heads get... Big heads get attention.

25:27

Oh, okay. You're more likely to succeed

25:29

in show business if you have a

25:31

larger head. Is that true?

25:33

That's a theory that people have. It's a theory

25:35

that people have. It's going around. It's really making

25:37

them sound. Yeah. Just

25:40

not that I think about it. I

25:43

am seeing it everywhere. Yeah. Hashtag

25:46

big head. Hashtag big head.

25:49

Oh, Jillian, I don't know. I just wanted

25:51

to sing some Christmas songs as my old

25:53

face and then just go under. I don't

25:56

know. I don't know. I think I...

26:00

think that you really... New year, new me.

26:02

I understand, but I don't,

26:05

I don't have to say, I don't think you should get

26:07

a total face change. Alright,

26:10

you know what, we'll just discuss

26:12

it later. Yeah, let's table this.

26:15

We're making decisions now. Alright,

26:19

well, Joan, we should take a break, and

26:22

when we come back we will have a

26:24

guest that we have found from the neighborhap,

26:26

somebody from right here in Dignity Falls that

26:28

has something interesting to say, or

26:31

someone is interested in them. We'll

26:34

find out when the Dignity

26:36

Falls Neighborhood Listen Podcast returns.

26:48

Hey, this is Raphael. Bunny,

26:50

$40. As you

26:54

can see, I put a picture of him

26:56

here. That's him sitting on the grass. Around

26:58

five weeks, lobes to eat. I

27:01

know you might think that's a typo, but

27:04

he likes to eat lobes. He

27:07

nibbles on your lobes, and my family

27:10

can't take it anymore. Please

27:12

take this monster. $40, Bunny. And

27:19

welcome back to the Neighborhood Listen. We

27:21

have a guest here, Joan. We sure do,

27:23

and I'm going to read the post. Let me

27:25

just say very quickly, what we do here is

27:27

we take posts from the neighborhap, and

27:30

we find people that we want to talk to in Dignity Falls. If

27:32

you would like to submit a post, maybe there's one that we missed,

27:35

you can screenshot it and

27:37

send it to us at

27:39

burntandjoan@gmail.com. Good job.

27:41

Thank you. So this post

27:43

is from Robert, and it says,

27:45

it's under Crime and Safety, it

27:48

says bike thefts with unusual behavior.

27:50

Hmm. Like assigning behavior to the

27:52

actual theft. You know?

27:55

I'm intrigued. There are a

27:57

ton of bike thefts in Woodside

27:59

Plaza. My neighbor and I

28:01

both had bikes stolen from our backyards.

28:03

The thefts, hard

28:05

to say, both

28:08

happened on a Saturday night around 1 a.m. They

28:11

leave a pair of shoes behind and

28:14

they take a pair of yours for

28:16

the next victim, I assume. What

28:19

happened to the bike? We're

28:22

not there yet. I know of

28:24

three people where this happened. They

28:28

really don't care if your gate is locked or

28:30

not. They will jump your fence and do whatever.

28:33

My advice, make it

28:35

difficult to steal your stuff. Lock

28:38

your garage doors and assume anything on

28:40

your property can be stolen at any

28:42

time. I mean, it's not bad advice. No,

28:44

it's not. Cameras won't protect

28:46

your property, but maybe install some

28:49

motion detection lights. And

28:51

here's what's interesting. It's not Robert we're going

28:53

to talk to. What? It's Devey that Robert's

28:55

referring to. One of the bike shoe thieves?

28:58

It's the person, bike shoe thieves, whatever. So

29:01

please welcome. Your

29:03

name is Benji. Benji. Welcome Benji.

29:05

Thank you. And Benji, you have

29:07

disguised your identity. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

29:09

This is not my real voice.

29:11

No, it's not. It's

29:13

not. And he's wearing

29:15

a big head. I am.

29:17

I am. So can

29:19

you tell me what character this is? I'm

29:21

not. I'm not. Double door. Double door. Oh,

29:23

really? Hey, I see you can do it.

29:25

You're right. And the sound is actually really great.

29:28

Good job, babe. I know you might do it from

29:30

inside for this. So it was really good. But this

29:33

is not my real voice. Right. No,

29:35

we know. We know that. Yeah. What does

29:37

your real voice sound like? Sounds like. You

29:40

have to take the napkin off the mic if you want your

29:42

real voice to come through. No, you don't

29:45

have to. I just meant to describe it. Is

29:47

it lower? Is it higher? I mean, it's

29:49

just like this, but there's no napkins. So

29:52

wait, the technology you use, was this a

29:54

napkin? Well, I mean, it's

29:57

like triple ply. So

30:00

the voice travels through each fold of the

30:02

head. It doesn't

30:04

sound like me right now when I hear

30:06

it. Okay, alright. That sounds like I'm talking

30:08

through a paper towel. Okay.

30:13

Well then now, Fingy. Yeah. This

30:15

is the answer. I didn't mean to answer. I

30:20

thought you were further trying to protect

30:22

his identity by confusing me as to

30:25

who Fingy was. I want

30:27

to make it confusing to understand. I don't even

30:29

know if I'm talking because this does not sound like me.

30:31

You are. Trust me. Definitely

30:34

you're talking. Sounds are coming out of your voice. We're not

30:36

seeing lips move but we are hearing the voice come from

30:38

your voice. Do you see a beard move? Oh,

30:40

that's nice. Yeah. Is it real hair? I

30:43

don't know. So

30:45

go ahead and ask your question. I didn't mean to sort of

30:47

speak for Benji. Benji,

30:50

what is... I

30:53

understand stealing a bike. People

30:56

steal bikes all the time because they want a bike, they want to sell a bike.

30:59

Okay. What's the shoe ankle? Yeah.

31:02

What's this about? You're leaving shoes and taking shoes.

31:04

I'm leaving shoes, taking shoes. I live in the

31:06

neighborhood. I see that a lot of

31:08

people in the neighborhood just leave

31:10

their gates open to their backyards.

31:14

And if you do that, I'm not

31:16

punishing you. I'm just telling you that

31:18

it's possible for people to steal from

31:20

your household. I see. Oh, are you

31:23

saying it's like an education thing? Yes. Yes.

31:26

Because I want everybody to be safe. I heard this post reading

31:29

it now or when I read it, I was like,

31:31

good. People are realizing that,

31:33

A, cameras don't work, but motion

31:35

detector lights do protect cameras will

31:37

not protect your problem. So

31:40

get motion detecting lights. Once you get those lights, I'll tell

31:42

you right now, I am not afraid of a camera. I

31:45

can always put another one of these big heads on. That's

31:47

true. But if I see a light, I

31:49

run away. Your response is to

31:51

run. Well, it's the middle of the night. There should

31:53

not be light other than the moon. Oh, so it's the... This

31:56

is uncanny. It shouldn't be happening. It shouldn't

31:58

be happening. Yes. I like

32:00

natural things happening. Wow, I didn't know

32:02

that. I like spring and fall. Because

32:06

that nature happens. Summer

32:08

and winter? It's just cold

32:10

or hot. I see. But spring and

32:12

autumn, when things are changing, you

32:15

like that part. Nature is happening. OK.

32:19

A, B, C, D, wow. That does not sound

32:21

like me. That's not how

32:23

you normally do the alphabet. Sounded

32:30

like hieroglyphics to me. Sounded

32:33

like hieroglyphics to me. Has

32:38

anyone done another arrangement

32:40

of the alphabet song? Because

32:43

I've only ever heard the one arrangement. Well,

32:45

I mean, there is your specific arrangement, for

32:47

instance, you can only sing one note. A,

32:50

B, C, D, F, G. That's how he does

32:52

it. That's true. I guess that's my cover of

32:54

the alphabet song. So

32:57

wait. The shoes. I'm intrigued by the shoes.

32:59

We didn't address the shoes. We really didn't. So

33:03

there's two aspects to this robbery

33:05

that I do that is helpful

33:07

for my neighbors. A, pay

33:09

attention to what's going on around you. And

33:11

also, do you know everybody in your neighborhood

33:13

that could possibly help you out? If you

33:15

don't, find out whose shoes

33:18

you have now. That

33:20

would probably get people talking. So

33:22

basically what I do is I

33:25

find an object, a bike, garden

33:28

gnome, a humongous

33:33

jack o' lantern man in a

33:35

front yard. One that talks?

33:38

One that talks, or just like if you just

33:40

park there, it's just going to keep going. Absolutely.

33:43

Recently this happened to me where I parked my car

33:45

and I got out and the thing was already talking

33:47

to me. Oh, that's terrifying. That's

33:50

unnerving. As if he was trying to talk to me through the

33:52

closed window. So

33:54

yeah, unnatural. Indeed. But

33:58

I'll find these things that are

34:00

easy. to pick off you

34:02

know like I said bikes

34:07

garden gnomes like

34:09

little jack-o'-lantern man jack-o'-lantern man's flags

34:11

flags of course so it's not

34:14

flags of nothing United States flag

34:16

but like oh like seasonal flags

34:19

oh okay leaves

34:21

on there yeah yeah happy for the July typically

34:28

well I guess that's what you're going on

34:30

to America flag turning with

34:33

disaster there okay memorial day

34:35

oh yeah just one with a big

34:37

rocket on it I did

34:40

that once anyways what I end up doing is I

34:43

pull whatever I

34:45

take from their house and saying hey

34:47

you did this thing you

34:49

left this out here know what's on

34:52

your property like a flag is for display

34:54

I mean are they to be inside

34:57

or are they just not to be displaying anything outside at all

34:59

is that what you want to teach them I'm just saying something

35:02

could be stolen if you leave it

35:04

outside yeah but I

35:07

think people are aware of that right well

35:09

then why you leave it out there I mean fair point

35:11

he's stealing it he's right there stealing it I

35:14

know but I think

35:16

that like what okay let me ask you

35:18

this joy barbecue barbecue

35:22

that's a lot some of them are massive yeah but you

35:24

know every if

35:30

they're on wheels if they're traveling one sure

35:32

but I'm not gonna I'm not

35:34

gonna dig it out of your backyard okay I

35:37

might it's out there oh you're okay

35:39

so that's a threat maybe sounds like

35:41

it haven't tried a jacuzzi yet but I've

35:43

seen them back with a lot of work

35:45

you'll I'd have to drain it I do

35:48

it what do

35:52

you do with these things that you said

35:55

you take I bring them back to my

35:57

home mm-hmm and wait it out I just

36:00

just haven't returned some of these things yet. They'll be

36:02

the middle of the nights that will happen now that

36:04

people are talking about it where I will

36:06

return. Oh okay. So how long have

36:08

you been doing this now? About seven

36:11

months. Seven months. And do you do

36:13

it every night? I do it every

36:15

night. What do you do may I ask

36:17

for a living? Great question.

36:21

This is not my regular voice I can say it.

36:23

Of course. I work

36:26

at Big Lots. Oh really?

36:28

Yeah. Okay. All right. I'm the manager

36:30

there. Oh wow. And you're the manager.

36:33

Yeah. Well I feel like that might be the

36:35

same too. I mean you might be identified by that. And you're

36:37

Jeff. I'm

36:40

Benji. For the

36:42

purposes of this. But

36:45

you are Jeff the manager at Big Lots.

36:47

You don't have

36:50

to answer that. You don't have to. That's why

36:52

you can't. There's no way you can tell. This

36:55

is not my regular voice. No way. This is

36:57

not my regular voice. No no no. You're fine.

36:59

You're fine. You're fine. Except

37:01

when you sell napkins. What?

37:05

What has that done? What you sell

37:07

napkins? What does that mean? If you're

37:09

bringing some napkins to a customer and

37:11

talking to the same person. It's gonna

37:13

have the same affections right now. But

37:15

then more napkins would distort the voice

37:18

even further. Would they be in a

37:20

package? Yes. I don't

37:22

think you'd carry the

37:25

package out in front of your face.

37:27

I'm telling you right now just

37:30

since we got that out in

37:32

the open at Big Lots we

37:34

sell those packages. We don't pull

37:36

things out individually. We give

37:38

you more of the bulk. We're kind of like Costco but cut

37:40

in half. Yeah we're not trying to put Big Lots on trial.

37:42

No we're not. Nor you which is why we're going to keep

37:45

referring to you as Benji.

37:47

Benji not Jeff the manager. No. So Benji you take these

37:49

things home and then you

37:54

say you wait them out so eventually you will

37:56

return things in the middle of the night. Yeah

37:58

hoping that when I do return them. There

38:00

will be a light that shines on me and

38:03

I know that they have protected their home and then

38:05

you will run away I was gonna say yeah, I'll

38:07

probably just drop it off in the driveway. I won't

38:09

put it back Just

38:12

a phrase we wait it out. I'm just not clear

38:14

wait it out What are you waiting out like whether

38:17

or not someone is has followed you it's going to

38:19

collect their stuff I

38:21

think till they they have done something to

38:23

their home that I've seen that has Protecting

38:26

and then do you monitor them? I?

38:29

Have put cameras that everybody's home. Oh,

38:32

I don't know if that's legal it is legal. Yeah,

38:34

it's um it's on Benji

38:46

are you are you not discovering something that you

38:49

you hadn't thought about previously? Well

38:52

Google doesn't You can see

38:54

that you know like You do it so I figured if

38:56

I have them on the streets Mmm,

38:59

it's part of public property so that I can just zoom them towards their house, right?

39:05

I'll get rid of those as well. I think you

39:07

probably should I will once I return all this stuff

39:09

Okay, and and have you returned anything yet? I am

39:11

in route Now

39:16

that we've not I have noticed that there's a

39:18

lot of people that are in the house I'm

39:20

ready to return some bicycles a couple of gnomes

39:25

So far so far anybody who's listening who? Thinks

39:29

or knows that something has been

39:32

taken away and shoes have been left with

39:34

you, right? If you are

39:36

missing a flag do something You

39:40

heard it do something do something yes,

39:42

okay. I want to go back to the shoes. Yes I'm

39:45

sorry I'm sorry Do something yes protect your

39:47

home. Okay. I want to go back to

39:49

the shoes. Yes. Yeah I really

39:51

would like to look at the post again

39:54

as well Okay, they leave a pair of

39:56

shoes behind and they take a pair of

39:58

yours for their next victim, I

40:00

assume. Okay, so then does that mean your,

40:02

the shoes you leave are someone else's as well?

40:04

Yes, it's from another home that

40:07

I had taken something

40:09

from and it's a way for

40:11

them to maybe start talking to their neighbors.

40:14

Hey, did you get something stolen

40:16

from your house? Did they happen to take

40:18

some shoes as well? Does that

40:21

mean you have my shoes? Right. It

40:23

might, so then now they are in cahoots

40:25

or they're friends with each other, now they

40:27

have a neighborhood watch situation going on, they

40:30

can keep an eye on each other, that kind of stuff. That's

40:32

why I do it. Also, I've

40:34

realized the

40:36

bikes, the gnomes, those are all outside. I

40:38

do break into the home to get the

40:40

shoes. Okay, you. Oh, yeah, you know, that

40:43

was a question because where are the shoes coming

40:45

from? Those aren't outside things. No, they're not. Unless

40:47

they're like crocs maybe. Some people leave their shoes

40:49

outside. Garden shoes maybe. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But some

40:51

people leave just regular shoes outside. Monsters.

40:53

Strange to me. I don't

40:55

take those. Things live outside. They do. And

40:58

they can easily get in your shoes. Yeah,

41:00

that's true. So, okay, you're breaking into homes

41:02

now. You're breaking it into... I'm breaking into

41:04

four years. Mud

41:07

rooms. Mud rooms, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm like

41:09

the closest room to the garage. Front and

41:11

back. We're getting

41:13

close. Yeah, there's probably gonna

41:16

be a pair of shoes right inside a sliding door. Right.

41:19

So it's just like, as long as they don't

41:21

have that broomstick there to keep it shut, that

41:24

should probably get it open. Okay, interesting. Are

41:26

you running into that a lot? People

41:29

do the broomstick thing, so yeah. Yeah, it's

41:31

impressive. And I mean... That would

41:33

imply that people already have some sort of

41:35

sense that, you know, people I think might

41:37

already be nervous about crime. So it doesn't

41:40

necessarily seem like you need to educate them

41:42

more on it. Might you

41:44

just be, you know, perpetuating fear

41:46

that already is there? Yeah, I don't know

41:48

how much education you're doing. Like people know that crime

41:50

is a thing. Yeah, I mean, I do. Do

41:53

you, Burns? I'm aware of it. Okay.

41:55

Do you know your neighbors? Yeah,

41:57

I mean, I say we know them better than many people.

42:00

of this podcast. That's a great point,

42:02

Joan. Do you know what size shoe they happen

42:04

to be? Well, you got me

42:06

there. There you go. That's something, that's something

42:08

new you can learn about your neighbors. Is

42:10

that a question that's okay to ask people?

42:12

Or, you know, do we need to go

42:15

through having things stolen in order to ask the question?

42:17

Could we just ask it without the step of having

42:19

our garden on the table? Why do we want

42:21

to know, I guess, what shoe size somebody is?

42:23

I guess unless, unless, you know, if I ever wanted

42:25

to buy you a pair for your birthday, well here, let's do

42:27

it right now. What size shoe are you, Burt? I'm

42:29

in 11 and three quarters. Oh, wow.

42:32

Very hard to find. That's a very tricky to find.

42:34

Do you have to get your shoe specially made? Yes, I

42:36

do. And it costs a pretty penny. Oh,

42:39

yes, I get what he's doing. A pretty

42:41

penny is the local cobbler at, in

42:44

Dignity Falls. That's right. And

42:46

she is gorgeous. And,

42:50

but she, Penny

42:52

Featherton. Penny Featherton. She does. Beautiful.

42:54

She's, she's not cheap. No, she's not.

42:57

And I mean, I go for, unfortunately, because

42:59

of the price, I go for the ugliest

43:01

shoes that she makes. And

43:04

I'm not happy about it. She makes them gorgeous shoes. And

43:06

I wish I had the money,

43:08

but I don't. How

43:11

are you talking about me? No, but how ugly are

43:13

these shoes? I mean, the shoes that you have, I'm

43:15

pretty fantastic. Oh, these?

43:18

Yeah. I mean, I've modded them a little bit. Oh,

43:20

you have? Yeah. Oh, those nickels are

43:22

not usually in there? No, they're not. That

43:24

was my touch. Wow. Yeah. So let

43:27

me get to another question needed to ask it.

43:30

And I'm not happy about it. She makes them gorgeous shoes.

43:32

And I wish I had the

43:34

money, but I don't. How

43:37

are you talking about me? No, but how ugly are

43:39

these shoes? I mean, the shoes that you have, I'm

43:41

pretty fantastic. Oh, these?

43:44

Yeah. I mean, I've modded them a

43:46

little bit. Oh, you have? Yeah. Oh,

43:48

those nickels are not usually in there?

43:50

No, they're not. That was my touch.

43:52

Wow. So let me get to another question needed to ask.

43:54

It sounds like you have quite a proliferation

43:57

of stuff. Yes. And I'd like

43:59

to know. A, do

44:01

you live alone? B, where does all

44:03

this stuff go? A, I do live alone.

44:06

B, it's either in my house or at Big Loss. You

44:09

are storing it at your place of work. Yeah,

44:12

they have a big warehouse in the back. Not a

44:14

warehouse, but a big storage area. Right, but I mean,

44:16

I would imagine they're storing the things that they sell

44:18

at Big Loss fairs. We do. Which

44:21

also would be similar to the things that

44:24

you are stealing. How do you not mix up

44:26

the merchandise? Good question. Well, that's

44:28

a great question, except for the

44:30

fact that most of the merchandise

44:32

that I am getting is

44:35

used. Now I can, because

44:37

I'm a manager, tell the difference

44:39

between a new product and a used product.

44:41

Oh, okay, okay. When people come back with

44:44

returns and say... I've seen this happen. Unused.

44:47

Unused. I immediately

44:49

know when to use it. Jeff has a real, excuse

44:51

me, Benji has a real eye for this, that

44:53

he can tell if someone has, you know,

44:55

because the story is always like, oh, I

44:58

bought this and it doesn't fit, or my

45:00

husband didn't let me buy it, or whatever their story

45:03

is. Yeah, it's a lot of my husband wouldn't let

45:05

me buy it. They try to blame it on somebody

45:07

else. Yeah, and a lot of these placements didn't fit

45:09

me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And they make

45:11

it seem as if they got them home, they put

45:13

it in place and it's like, oh, it doesn't fit.

45:16

They bring it back. But he can tell

45:18

that they've used these for months. I

45:20

think that makes a lot of sense.

45:22

Because we have a six-month policy of

45:25

return. Very generous. Very generous. I

45:27

mean, six months. Especially since so many things you get

45:29

a big lots of people go for seasonal things. And

45:31

so, well, you won't use it, you know,

45:33

you don't need to pay it back. Return

45:35

this fake Christmas tree. People still bring back

45:37

their, you know, their Frankenberry. And they

45:40

say, we didn't eat it. And I go, well, it's empty. Yeah.

45:44

They bring you an empty box. Empty box. But they taped

45:46

it, but they glued it up like, you know, I'll use

45:48

it to tell even just from how late it is. Yeah,

45:50

it's just a cardboard box at that point. No, that just

45:52

seems silly. You got to fill it. Yeah, you got to

45:54

fill that thing. You got to fill that thing. I mean,

45:56

this is not what we're trying to tell people. This

45:58

is not what our podcast is about. about how to

46:00

commit a crime even though we're asking

46:03

Fenty about how he's committing his crime.

46:05

But you don't consider this a crime

46:07

at all. I feel like it is

46:09

a true learning experience for everybody in

46:11

the neighborhood to get to know each

46:13

other, to protect themselves from crime and

46:16

also we don't

46:19

sell cameras at Big Lots. Big

46:21

Lots? Big Lots. We

46:23

don't sell cameras at Big

46:25

Lots. We do. We

46:28

sell digital cameras like flip

46:30

cameras. I

46:35

don't know about them. Flip phones? I remember

46:37

those. Remember the flip camera? Sure. It

46:39

looked like an iPod. It

46:42

didn't do anything an iPod would do. No, it didn't really

46:44

do anything. And for some reason

46:46

they were going to take over the world. They

46:50

were very quickly made obsolete by phones. We

46:53

have those. We don't have

46:55

the cameras that you would use outside of

46:57

your homes. But we do have security cameras.

47:00

Yes. But we do have motion lights. Okay.

47:03

Well here, okay. Can I ask you this question? Why

47:07

not just make

47:09

a post on the

47:11

neighbor app saying, hey folks,

47:14

been noticing a lot of bikes,

47:16

outdoor things, flags, gnomes. Just

47:18

so you know, these are

47:20

easily achievable to steal them.

47:25

Might I recommend motion

47:27

lights? I'm going to tell you right now,

47:29

cameras don't do a thing. And then

47:31

that way you just tell them directly as opposed

47:34

to going through the settlement process or my question

47:36

is, and I don't want to put you on

47:38

the spot, but do you get

47:40

some pleasure in stealing these things and hoarding

47:42

them? When you achieve these crimes, do you

47:44

feel good about yourself? I

47:47

mean, I really didn't want to put them on the spot. I

47:50

do feel good about myself. I feel like I'm

47:52

helping the neighborhood. I'm also doing this in the

47:54

middle of the night after I've already worked a

47:56

long way. Okay. Well, I mean, you're exactly.

47:58

So why not just make a post? Okay, my

48:00

answer to that is okay. Oh I

48:05

don't know if I thought about it that way and

48:07

I should what what I mean is that

48:10

simple? There's

48:13

a couple of things about meeting you

48:15

which I appreciate or I know you I

48:20

know you well, but not me

48:22

not Benji, but you know my friend

48:33

Maybe maybe we'll get to hear his real voice just a

48:35

little bit at the end. Just think of a napkin

48:41

But there's a couple of aspects

48:43

during this talk, okay Realized

48:47

I am wrong. I am in the wrong. Oh a

48:52

Sounded very confident in

48:54

your motives up until right now

48:56

agreed. This is a real surprise

48:59

Well, I you know the whole having

49:02

cameras at other people's homes Yeah,

49:05

that kind of stopped you in your track Maybe

49:08

we think everything because I'm like, I can't

49:10

lose my job, right? Yeah, you do not

49:12

want the police after me especially our local

49:15

police because they could be very

49:17

hands-on And

49:21

and I know those guys and you know them

49:23

coming by Always, you know,

49:25

they love we do we do

49:27

this special on Chewy bars and

49:29

these guys They

49:32

love it to the cops like any joke

49:34

if you're not from dignity Falls any joke that

49:36

people make about cops and donuts Here

49:39

is cops and chewy boy. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

49:41

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's like it's

49:43

like they're sponsored by Quakers Anyways,

49:46

they I always have a minute chunks.

49:48

Oh, you know, I'm just making the

49:50

connection because the police here wear those

49:52

Quaker hats That's right. Yes. Uh-huh. That's

49:54

why I'm sure okay their

49:56

chunks they open them up to put

49:59

new Chewy bars in there and there's still three,

50:01

four unopened boxes back there. I'm

50:04

like, you're never going to go through all these.

50:06

But guys, feel free. Keep buying them. Thank you

50:08

for your service. Don't

50:10

get me now though. Especially now if

50:12

I'm... Well,

50:15

if you're changing your ways

50:17

in this moment right now, perhaps there will be...

50:19

So is Google wrong for taking video

50:21

of all of our... I felt like that. I think

50:23

they probably are. Now we've put out this

50:25

question and I don't know what to say about it. I mean... Because

50:28

you can zoom around a town. Yeah, absolutely.

50:30

You really can. Absolutely. And it's an

50:32

amazing feature if you don't think about

50:35

it for too long. Yeah.

50:38

I feel like there's a lot of things like that. Yeah.

50:40

See people's license plates, things like that. You should

50:42

be able to just randomly

50:46

go around and collect that information. That's

50:49

kind of true. But also, you

50:51

shouldn't go around and just collect people's things, I

50:53

think, you know. Oh, okay. I think

50:55

that... Right. It was an easy okay. It was

50:58

an easy okay. We've already established that.

51:01

Yeah. Well, this

51:03

is great. Listen, it's been a while since

51:05

we felt like we actually solved either a

51:07

mystery or a claim. A

51:09

couple of times I feel like we've gotten someone

51:12

to sort of see something different, try something new.

51:14

Wow. Good for us. What was it a while

51:16

ago though? Yeah. Let's stop patting ourselves on the

51:18

back floor. For a reason maybe. I think so. Because

51:20

I'm here ultimately to help. I want to help everybody around.

51:22

I understand that. I totally believe you. I have to ask

51:24

you this, Benji. So

51:28

maybe you've seen some people installed

51:31

motion detector lighting. Yes.

51:34

You say you want to bring people

51:36

together. Have you seen people talking about

51:38

this? Have you seen people become friends?

51:40

Other than the post. Because I'll start

51:42

with... Other than the post. Other

51:44

than the post. I've seen people

51:47

in the neighborhood exchange shoes before now.

51:50

Okay. Like, oh I got

51:52

your shoes. Are these yours? Yes. Oh hey

51:54

you have mine. I think so. Yes.

51:56

I haven't stopped. to

52:00

see if that was what it was because then there's

52:02

a chance that they would know that it was me.

52:04

If I walk up and I go, oh, you're getting

52:06

your shoes back, they'd be like, how do you know?

52:08

And I'd be like, right. So it's sort

52:10

of like a moment where you're just walking by, you

52:12

see that happen and then some sort of music plays

52:14

and you go, right on. I

52:16

sort of nod. Yeah, I nod. I give it.

52:19

I did that. I did that. Yeah. I'm usually

52:21

on my bike. Right.

52:23

Yours? Yeah. Oh, good

52:25

question. Well, you never know. No, I'll take

52:27

my own bike. I'm not going to take

52:29

anybody else's bike. I'm not there to... Let

52:31

me ask you this. How did

52:33

this start? Were you the victim of a crime?

52:37

That's a good question, Burns. Thank you. You're

52:39

welcome. Thank you. I was... I'll

52:42

tell you this. There was one time

52:44

that I was at the gym. OK. Went

52:48

into the showers to obviously take a

52:50

shower. I left my shoes out. OK.

52:54

Those shoes were taken. Other

52:56

shoes were put in its place. Oh. I

53:00

left the gym clean. And

53:03

as I left the gym clean

53:06

in other people's shoes, I was confused. So

53:08

you wore the shoes out? Well, I'm not

53:10

going to walk out of the gym shoeless.

53:12

I was clean. Sure. But did you do

53:14

any investigation on site? So many double meanings

53:16

here wearing the shoes out. Wearing them out or wearing

53:18

them out. Leaving it clean or leaving it clean. There's so

53:20

many double meanings. It's turning my head upside down. Did you

53:23

clean the gym or did you leave it really quickly? I

53:25

don't know what it is. Did

53:27

you wear the shoes out of the building or did you wear the

53:29

soles out? Am

53:32

I the only one that says I'm in a mine

53:34

prison right now? I'm not in a mine prison. I

53:37

felt like I followed pretty well.

53:42

You don't want to be shoeless Jim Jackson. Yeah.

53:45

I... Shoeless who? Jim Jackson. Did

53:47

you mean Jeff? No.

53:50

I thought it was Joe. Well, there was shoeless Joe getting

53:53

lost in that prison. Jim Jackson. Well,

53:56

Shoeless Jim like G-Y-M. Yes.

53:58

Oh my God. If

54:03

you walk out of a gym, there's you

54:05

and... Alright, here's you and Jackson. The

54:08

shoe is parked, you can't just

54:10

throw Jackson at the end of that. That is

54:12

no relation to anything else. Little

54:16

Jackson Street. Well,

54:19

he's got you to there. He's got me.

54:22

There is a gym on Jackson Street. Shoeless

54:26

Jim Jackson. You

54:28

don't know what to be sure about, Mr.

54:30

Jackson Street. You sure don't. So,

54:34

wait a second. You

54:38

leave the gym, you're in someone else's shoes. Then

54:40

what? You leave the gym clean. You

54:43

leave the clean, wear the shoes out. I also

54:45

leave very fast. So,

54:48

I leave the gym clean clean. And

54:52

I'm in the parking lot, and

54:56

the guy who's about to get in his car right next

54:58

to me has my shoes on. How

55:00

do you know he's in the car? He

55:03

was getting into the car. He was getting

55:05

into the car. I'm so sorry. He used to tell by the look

55:07

on his face. So, you were about to get into

55:09

your car. I was about to get in his car. This other

55:11

guy is also about to get in his car. He's just about

55:14

to close the door. And would you say that the

55:16

shoes you were left were worse than yours that

55:18

he was wearing? Are these, would these equal quality

55:20

pair of shoes? They were

55:22

similar shoes in similar colors. They

55:24

were beige. It was a beige

55:26

gym shoe. Mine's were Nike. Mine's

55:30

were Nike. And his

55:32

were all day I dream about. Soccer. Short.

55:36

At the docks. So, slight change.

55:41

I would

55:44

even say there was even more of a

55:46

chance that they would have gotten mixed up

55:48

if I was wearing Pumas, and he was

55:50

wearing Adidas, since they were brothers who then

55:52

split off. And started their own business. If

55:55

you don't know the story about

55:57

that, we do sell Pumas. Has

55:59

it been a movie yet?

56:01

It really should be. They're making

56:03

their more of a miniseries They're

56:06

just like yeah Yeah,

56:11

I don't think so that sounds like the most

56:14

interesting one to me actually yeah the brothers So

56:16

wait brothers like a civil war over sneakers. Yes,

56:19

my question is did you would you

56:21

do will you see the shoes? You guys walk eyes what happened?

56:23

I'm not you see the shoes. What'd you do? I? Knocked

56:27

on this window. Okay, and And

56:31

then I lift up my leg and I showed him my shoe

56:36

Which he was Confused

56:38

by then open his window And

56:41

I said window and I said excuse me sir

56:43

these yours And

56:45

he looked out and he saw the shoes he was wearing and

56:48

he goes oh Wait, they look

56:50

like the ones I'm wearing and I go, but they're

56:52

not the same We had

56:54

a ball What yeah,

56:56

we kept talking about the shoes of how Like

56:59

you hit it off right away now. He is

57:01

my gym partner Wow We have

57:04

coffee every week and work out

57:06

six days a week and on one

57:08

of those days you have coffee one day Yeah, yeah, and

57:11

which shoes do you wear did you do

57:13

you ever exchange them back? We did we

57:15

did and and are you telling me that because this

57:17

story gave you such a new friend that Matt Bird

57:20

you to decide to steal other people's shoes

57:22

in hopes that they'd make friends as well.

57:24

Yes Well, why did you do the other

57:26

stuff? You could have just done that Okay

57:37

Ask an answer. I mean yeah We've

57:44

really this is a breakthrough one Break

57:47

your episode so now do

57:49

you think no amenable of a sudden? Okay,

57:53

okay He's

57:57

taking the notes this is wonderful great So

58:00

do you think that, and what is this person's name? Can you tell

58:02

us that? Or do you want to give us a pseudonym for him?

58:05

Benji. Okay. You

58:08

didn't have a lot of time, I understand. So

58:12

this other Benji, do

58:14

you feel like he engineered this

58:17

to meet you? Because you

58:19

say you put your shoes there and

58:22

then they were replaced with similar

58:24

shoes. Now if someone

58:27

just saw their own shoes outside the shower,

58:29

I mean he had his own shoes so

58:32

he must have put, he put them in place

58:34

of your shoes. So he knew

58:36

what he was doing. I think we

58:39

weren't sure if it ended up being sort

58:41

of just this lucky mistake. But

58:43

did he do it on purpose because you know. It

58:45

didn't sound like the shoes were next

58:48

to each other. It sounded like your

58:50

shoes were replaced with his shoes. I

58:52

will say prior to this moment, I

58:55

don't know if I noticed other people's shoes around

58:57

my shoes. So I could have

58:59

taken a shower. I

59:01

was at the gym, I just wanted to get clean.

59:03

I've mentioned that. Yeah, you wanted to get clean and then

59:05

leave clean. You wanted to leave the gym clean. I

59:08

wanted to leave the gym as clean as I could. In

59:12

many ways. In every way. In

59:15

many ways. And you wanted to wear shoes out. You did.

59:18

Thank you. Yes. I

59:20

didn't want to be shoeless. Jim Jack. Don't

59:22

want to be shoeless Jim Jack. Oh hell no. Street.

59:26

I don't. And I was a guy that day. I'll

59:28

tell you that. Not that day. So I

59:31

tried to leave as clean as I could. So when

59:33

I jumped into the shower, I took my shoes off

59:35

and I went right to the shower right away. Did

59:38

I notice any other shoes around? I did it. Okay.

59:41

Alright. Could there have been other shoes next to

59:43

mine? Sure. Does that also?

59:45

No. I was going to say.

59:47

Could have put on another person's shoes and

59:50

then realized that they were my shoes.

59:52

But no. Because my shoes

59:54

were already gone. Okay. Yes. I

59:57

answered myself. Could this be that guy's

59:59

doing? I don't know, I

1:00:01

gotta ask Benji. You could ask him. I'm

1:00:04

surprised that you never did ask him. You

1:00:06

know, like, hey, was that an accident or was that

1:00:08

on purpose? Now I suppose it doesn't matter because you're

1:00:10

great friends anyways. Yeah. So I guess who cares? But

1:00:15

I don't mean it in a dismissive way. I know. I

1:00:18

don't know. Listen what you hear, who

1:00:20

cares? I guess there isn't. Is there a good

1:00:22

way to say who cares? No, I think it's...

1:00:26

It always comes off a little mean. I guess

1:00:28

it says... Okay, I'll make

1:00:31

sure I don't use it again. Especially

1:00:33

as a podcast host. I can't. I'll

1:00:36

ask him. I ask. Here's what's

1:00:38

interesting to me is that this story that you've just told us, Benji, it

1:00:42

is both a neat cute

1:00:45

and an origin story. Yes.

1:00:47

Those two are never the same. Oh, that's

1:00:49

interesting. And when you think of the story

1:00:51

of Batman, you know his

1:00:53

origin story. Terrible. Which his parents get shot.

1:00:56

Yep. A girl necklace falling.

1:00:58

Mm-hmm. But he didn't meet someone

1:01:00

that became a girl. Like a girl immediately. No. Right

1:01:03

there. Oh, hey. In the

1:01:05

alleyway. Exactly. Hi. Can

1:01:09

you imagine if you were a child, you saw

1:01:11

your parents being gunned down in the street? And

1:01:13

then you hear somebody say, hi.

1:01:17

And drop paper. I

1:01:19

should have mentioned the paper's first. Yeah. Paper.

1:01:23

Well, that's true. That is a

1:01:25

really interesting point, Burnt. And so, oh, what's

1:01:27

going on? What's going on in there, Benji? What's going

1:01:29

on in that big head? No, I just... I

1:01:35

hear the wheels turning behind that napkin.

1:01:37

I feel like I'll ask

1:01:39

him. He works at Big Lots, too. Oh,

1:01:42

my point. Oh, you got him a job there? I got

1:01:44

him a job at Big Lots. Oh, that's nice. Yeah, yeah,

1:01:46

yeah. So, you know. What did you

1:01:48

do there? He's the, um, he's the friend

1:01:51

cashier. Oh, Roger. Roger. Yeah.

1:01:55

Benji. Benji. But,

1:01:58

yeah. So

1:02:03

wait, so if we could just sort of sum up, you

1:02:05

are not going to take other people's things off the yard

1:02:08

anymore. No, I'll actually... You're going to deliver everything back. You

1:02:10

have to deliver everything back. You're not going to break

1:02:12

in any more foyers. Don't

1:02:15

break in any more foyers or mudrooms. Yeah, I mean

1:02:17

that was the hardest part. I will be back. I

1:02:19

bet. I bet. And I

1:02:21

just think you were just doing too much work when you

1:02:23

really didn't need to be doing any of that at all.

1:02:26

At all. At all. Yeah. I

1:02:29

think if you're listening and you're missing a gnome

1:02:32

or a flag or a bike,

1:02:34

you will probably find

1:02:37

it on your front step. I don't want to...

1:02:39

I mean, you want a deadline here, but at this

1:02:41

point, I mean, swing by big lots. You know

1:02:43

where it is. Oh, that's right. That's

1:02:45

right. That's right. If you're missing... Yeah, just

1:02:47

go into the back storage room. Just take

1:02:49

a look. This

1:02:54

is all wrapping up very nicely. It really is.

1:02:56

I mean, this is satisfying. This is satisfying. This

1:02:58

is exactly right. All

1:03:00

right. Well, Benji, thank you. It was really nice to

1:03:02

meet you, Benji. I want to treat it was to

1:03:04

have you on the show to facilitate this moment for

1:03:06

us. It was great. But

1:03:09

you're going to return all that stuff. Yeah. Yeah,

1:03:11

okay. I will. Or

1:03:13

you can grab it. Oh, yeah. You can grab it. That's

1:03:16

right. You can grab it if you want. Anything, any final sort

1:03:18

of words you want to give? Anything you want to plug? Yeah.

1:03:21

There's a 40% off sale at Big Lots

1:03:24

for... Door wide? Door wide.

1:03:27

That's huge. We're going to do it for a Christmas already.

1:03:29

Oh, sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Earlier

1:03:31

and earlier every evening. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So,

1:03:33

you know, we're skipping Halloween altogether. We're just

1:03:35

going... Oh, wow. That's what it comes to.

1:03:38

That's extreme. Wow. That's

1:03:40

extreme. Wow. We've noticed that there's

1:03:42

a lot more Filipinos in the area and that they

1:03:45

start celebrating Christmas around September.

1:03:47

Fair enough. Really? Okay.

1:03:50

So we started doing all of the fall stuff in

1:03:53

May. So

1:03:55

now we're... You

1:03:58

must love that, that it's fallen. spring at the same

1:04:01

time? Are you at the store? It's amazing. Part

1:04:04

of it is my doing and I appreciate

1:04:06

it that people like

1:04:08

it, but it's 40% off now all

1:04:10

fall decorations. Okay. Well,

1:04:13

I'm going to have to come by. I love a good, I

1:04:15

love a sale. Yeah. Gotta

1:04:18

go to Big Loss. Gotta go to Big Loss. Gotta go to

1:04:20

Big Loss. Yeah. You know,

1:04:22

we started the Cinnamon Brooms before,

1:04:24

you know, Trader Joe's. Did you?

1:04:27

Broo! I read that. Original

1:04:29

Cinnamon Brooms. Original Cinnamon Brooms. Hey, can I

1:04:31

ask, what is that? Because

1:04:36

I've never really known. Do you

1:04:38

eat it? Do you display it? I think you

1:04:40

simply display it and it makes your home smell like... Smell

1:04:43

like cinnamon. Okay. But

1:04:45

it's a broom? What, babe? It is a broom?

1:04:48

Well, I'm not sure it's a practical broom.

1:04:50

I'm not sure it would do a great job.

1:04:52

Although I suppose it would be like many early

1:04:54

rudimentary brooms. It's like a stick

1:04:56

bundled together. A stick with twigs tied

1:04:58

to it. Yeah. Yeah. That's

1:05:01

what it is. A bunch of sticks tied to another stick.

1:05:03

Yeah, back when your house had a dirt floor. Oh, yeah,

1:05:07

I better sweep up in here.

1:05:09

Push these pebbles. Push

1:05:12

these pebbles with it. I'll clean up this trash with

1:05:14

this other trash. Yeah. And

1:05:18

the Cinnamon Broom was born. Smells

1:05:20

nice. Sure does. I can't argue with

1:05:22

that. It smells nice. Well, I will

1:05:25

come and get a Cinnamon Broom and

1:05:27

maybe I'll see you, Jeff. I

1:05:30

did Benji. Benji. Maybe

1:05:32

I'll see Benji and Benji. Yeah. Right.

1:05:36

The two Benjis. Okay. Forget

1:05:38

it. The two Benjis. It's Big Lots.

1:05:41

The ending of the famous movie. All right. Well,

1:05:46

we thank you for being here, Benji. Of

1:05:48

course. And we will have more when the neighbor

1:05:50

will listen. Records. This

1:05:58

is Bonnie. And

1:06:01

I have a Lang skinfold

1:06:04

caliper. Let's

1:06:06

see the picture. If

1:06:08

you know what this is, it's yours

1:06:11

for free. And

1:06:13

welcome back to The Neighborhood Listen.

1:06:17

Wow. That was, well, that

1:06:19

was, like you said, satisfying. It really was. Yeah,

1:06:22

it was a real ride. I'm glad. I'm glad.

1:06:25

He seemed Benji-esque. It's wild that

1:06:27

you knew him, that you knew both of

1:06:29

them. I didn't know you spent so much time. I didn't

1:06:31

know you frequented Big Lots. No, it's so close to the

1:06:33

pharmacy, and so I stop in there to get things all the

1:06:35

time. What do you get there? What do I get there? I'll

1:06:39

get, like, you know,

1:06:41

paper towels for the year. Okay. The

1:06:44

year. Yeah. How

1:06:47

many do you need for the year? I

1:06:50

go through paper towels pretty quickly. I smell

1:06:53

things a lot. What? You do? Sometimes

1:06:56

I'll use them as a plate. You know what I mean? If I'm

1:06:58

not, why dirty a dish? I hear you. Yeah, like, just like a

1:07:00

sand wind. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I love eating

1:07:02

over the sink. I love it. Really? I

1:07:05

love it. So

1:07:07

it's interesting, because then you think you, if you

1:07:09

spill a lot, then you just spill right into the sink. You don't

1:07:11

have to clean up so much. Well, but I spill other

1:07:14

things. Oh, what do you spill? Ink. Ugh.

1:07:17

Wax, like I'm doing. You

1:07:20

know, because I have a pen pal, and of

1:07:22

course we started getting very, very, very close.

1:07:26

We started getting very fancy with the way we

1:07:28

were five wax seals. And I have a quill

1:07:30

pen and everything. Who

1:07:32

is this person, Bert? This

1:07:34

is my... This is my friend Lorenzo.

1:07:38

Oh. Yes. And

1:07:41

how did this

1:07:43

come about? Lorenzo

1:07:47

and I have been pen pals since I was in

1:07:49

seventh grade. Wait a second. You

1:07:51

never talked about him. No, because I'm so used to

1:07:54

just writing to him. I guess it doesn't occur to

1:07:56

me to mention him out loud. How often do you

1:07:58

write? Once a week. Have

1:08:00

you ever met him? Oh yeah, he lives

1:08:02

here. Do you just hand each

1:08:04

other the letters? We

1:08:08

dropped them off at each other's phones. Yeah.

1:08:12

You know because when I was in...

1:08:15

Oh we say a lot of things. So much. Well

1:08:18

then you can use all that extra money to buy seals

1:08:20

and quilt pens and ink. I'm

1:08:23

sure he's saving money. When I was

1:08:25

in 7th grade, I was in 7th grade.

1:08:27

I don't know if you'll remember this, Joan,

1:08:29

when we were kids. Oh 7th grade. I

1:08:32

thought you said when you were 7. Okay 7th grade. No,

1:08:34

when I was in 7th grade we

1:08:36

were... Oh wow. ...

1:08:39

correspondence overseas from Dignity Falls. Oh yes. There

1:08:41

was a lot of concern about the Warren

1:08:43

Grenada and they really... There

1:08:47

was a pen pal embargo. Yes,

1:08:49

there was a pen pal embargo. So it

1:08:52

was in what a secret's getting out about

1:08:54

the United States. And

1:08:56

so we were assigned pen pals in town,

1:08:59

just kids from other schools. You know, just

1:09:01

so they could still have the fun of

1:09:03

it all, right? Yeah, exactly. And

1:09:05

who doesn't love getting mail? Of course. It

1:09:08

was a lot of fun. And so mine

1:09:10

was Lorenzo and we kept it that way.

1:09:15

Have you ever hung out in real life going to lunch

1:09:17

or would that just be so weird? We

1:09:19

tried it once and it felt so wrong. So weird, right?

1:09:21

So weird. It wasn't right. It

1:09:24

was funny to talk about. You know what we ended up

1:09:26

doing was we stopped talking and we started writing down stuff

1:09:28

on napkins. Oh

1:09:30

my goodness. Yeah, yeah. That

1:09:32

is sort of sweet and

1:09:34

strange. It was uncomfortable. Yeah. Well,

1:09:37

I love that you have that friend. What

1:09:39

a fun little... It's fun. ...

1:09:41

bit of a trivia I never knew about you. Yeah,

1:09:44

well... All right, well

1:09:47

we have... Yes, we have one more pose.

1:09:51

And again, Joan, I urge you. Please do not

1:09:53

get that total face change. I don't know. I

1:09:55

don't think there's any other option. There's no other

1:09:57

option. I think the big hits the low end.

1:10:00

reason will work. I'm not sure. I

1:10:02

don't want to have to speak into five napkins,

1:10:04

you know, for anyone to sound like he would

1:10:06

like to be Benji. You don't need a small voice change.

1:10:08

You don't know if I wear a big head. You don't have to

1:10:10

disguise your voice. Oh, I guess that's true. Yeah.

1:10:14

But also that didn't disguise his voice. We knew exactly what

1:10:16

he was. It

1:10:18

was, it was straight away. Maybe these were different. It

1:10:20

was straight away. He had such a problem with it.

1:10:23

But your voice always sounds different to you when you're

1:10:25

listening through. Oh gosh, yes, it's tough. Okay.

1:10:28

Babe, what are you doing in there? What

1:10:30

are you doing in there? Oh, I'm stocking the fridge. Oh, of

1:10:32

course you are. Are you doing, oh, a cafe only

1:10:35

did cans. You're doing beer bottles now too? Oh,

1:10:37

beer bottles, carrots. Wait,

1:10:40

are you putting carrots in your beer room? Yeah.

1:10:43

Why? Well,

1:10:45

I got, you get hungry sometimes. Oh sure. But

1:10:48

like, you have carrots and wings. There's nothing like when you're drinking a beer like,

1:10:50

oh, you know what's a great big beer. I

1:10:52

love a nice cold. The cold snap of a carrot. Oh,

1:10:54

I love a nice cold. I love a nice, crazy cold

1:10:56

carrot. Chips,

1:10:59

get those away from me. Pretzels,

1:11:03

give me a carrot. Give

1:11:05

me a cold carrot any day. All

1:11:08

right, we have time for one final post. This

1:11:10

is from the recommendations section

1:11:13

where people are either giving recommendations

1:11:15

or looking for some. This is

1:11:17

from UNNE. I like that.

1:11:20

Me too. UNNE. Yeah, I

1:11:23

like it. UNNE? Well, maybe UNNE.

1:11:25

UNNE, UNNE, UNNE. UNNE, UNNE. Are

1:11:27

you singing a song? Are you singing a novelty

1:11:29

song from the 50s? All

1:11:33

right, so UNNE writes, lizards

1:11:36

in my apartment. For the past

1:11:38

two months, there has been lizards coming up my

1:11:40

shower drain. Why? I have no

1:11:42

clue. I am terrified, terrified of these

1:11:44

things. Tonight, I just saw one

1:11:47

of my hallway. Is anyone else having this problem

1:11:49

too? OMG, I can't stand

1:11:51

it. What can I do to stop them? Where

1:11:54

are they coming from? This is horrible. Now

1:11:56

I'm scared to walk around my house. I

1:11:59

called the landlord and And she just laughed

1:12:01

while I cried explaining to her, oh,

1:12:04

why can I do or why does she

1:12:06

need to do to stop? I'm

1:12:08

sorry, what can I see what this? Spell it.

1:12:12

It says, it says, uh, W

1:12:14

H A R. Okay. Okay.

1:12:17

Why can I do or why does she need

1:12:19

to do to stop these things from coming in

1:12:21

here? And yes, I'm

1:12:23

upstairs unit. And that's it.

1:12:28

And that's it. She, OON,

1:12:30

uh, they

1:12:32

want to know how can I stop

1:12:34

these lizards from coming into my house? Now here's the thing.

1:12:37

We do have, for some reason,

1:12:39

there's a lot of lizards this year. Yes. And

1:12:42

we always have them, but we never have them to this degree. Yes.

1:12:45

There are a lot. They had to

1:12:47

close down, um, Fillmore. Yes. And

1:12:51

there were so many. There were so many. I mean,

1:12:53

it really looked like the street was crawling. It did

1:12:55

look, it was unsettling. It was very unsettling. It was

1:12:57

like a crawling street. Yes. And

1:12:59

the maids are like sound. Yeah. Do

1:13:01

you, it was cute though. They were all doing

1:13:04

the pushups at the same time. Yes. That

1:13:06

was, that was amazing. It really did look like

1:13:08

a group prayer. It made me realize there

1:13:11

must not be any females in there because

1:13:13

that's to attract a mate and they were

1:13:15

all doing it. So it's

1:13:17

just all dudes, lizard Fillmore, lizard Fillmore. Yeah.

1:13:21

I mean, it's just funny how that

1:13:23

worked out because I'm Millard, Millard

1:13:25

Fillmore. And all the lizards are hanging out.

1:13:28

Our only president who's for cement and

1:13:30

art. That's true. I think

1:13:32

it's true. Hey, if it's not, please let me know. Here's what I'll say about

1:13:34

lizards in the house. I do too. I do

1:13:36

too, Doug. I hope we get another. What would

1:13:39

that be? I guess an n-word, right? We need

1:13:41

an n-word. Absolutely. That's what we would need. A

1:13:44

Bernard? A Bernard? That doesn't seem likely. Would

1:13:46

that count? I'm not sure. I'm

1:13:48

not sure. Everybody call them

1:13:50

Bernie. Here's what I'll say about lizards

1:13:53

in the house. the

1:14:00

things and this is your definitive take this

1:14:02

is my hot take of

1:14:05

all the things that can be in a house that are

1:14:07

critters that are you know you're setting lizard

1:14:10

is just really low on the list for me now

1:14:12

here's a trick with the lizard lizard

1:14:17

trick you swore you would never do

1:14:19

this on Mike we need a

1:14:21

theme song for this really do or you were keeping

1:14:23

this private you were gonna take us to the grave

1:14:27

going to take you through the list one through six this

1:14:30

is a don't play their tricks number

1:14:40

one okay when

1:14:44

you first see them the reason I think

1:14:46

they bother people because you think they're a

1:14:48

snake first hmm right they look very like

1:14:50

head so if you're

1:14:52

just like doing a quick look and you see

1:14:54

some you know then you think it's a snake

1:14:56

if you're doing the first part of a double take you're

1:14:59

doing the first part of a double if you're doing it take

1:15:01

then then you think oh snake is a

1:15:06

snake take first you do a snake so

1:15:08

number one is right number two double take

1:15:19

and that's the relief part it's like oh

1:15:21

it's not a snake okay so that's that's

1:15:23

you know right okay number three okay

1:15:26

now that we've realized that it's a lizard

1:15:28

not a snake and we're relieved getting

1:15:30

it out getting it out is tricky yes

1:15:33

because they can disappear and even

1:15:35

though I know it is all they want to do

1:15:38

anyway they don't want any part of you right they

1:15:40

if you come near the if you even look at

1:15:42

them they will run away that's right yes and

1:15:45

crazy but the thing is is that because

1:15:47

you want to you want to know yeah I like

1:15:49

he like you like he

1:15:51

just runs around after them oh I remember

1:15:53

in a half crouch Jones's oh he'll sleep

1:15:55

well tonight and see I

1:15:57

won't because even though I know a lizard

1:15:59

there's not going to bite me. It's

1:16:02

not like a mouse being loose, a

1:16:04

roach, a spider. Yeah, they can't really

1:16:06

destroy anything. No, and they're not going

1:16:09

to bite you. They don't want to be in there. And

1:16:11

yet they're going to find the tiniest,

1:16:13

darkest area in your house

1:16:15

that you can't find to hide. So it's still

1:16:17

unsettling to know that there's something in,

1:16:20

speaking of which, the twins

1:16:22

still have not made their appearance

1:16:24

yet. Okay. This is, we're still waiting. No. Yeah.

1:16:26

So I mean, already, I think there are things

1:16:29

in the walls waiting for me. You haven't seen either of

1:16:31

them. Neither of them, no sign, no nothing. So,

1:16:34

so anyway, so, so that, that, that's the trick

1:16:36

is this next trick is that they're going to

1:16:38

hide. And I don't like that. What

1:16:41

am I on number four? Yes. Number four. If you do get them, the

1:16:46

body part thing, it's very upset. Just going to

1:16:48

leave his tail behind. They'll leave a leg behind.

1:16:50

There's leave pieces of them behind. I don't know.

1:16:53

I thought so. Maybe. Okay. Just apply

1:16:57

it to every appendix. Head escape

1:16:59

from their own head. I

1:17:03

can lose his head. Boom.

1:17:06

I warmed. Maybe.

1:17:08

Do they even have, we

1:17:11

asked so many unanswered questions. I know. I

1:17:13

know. What was fun to think about? We're here to keep

1:17:16

you up at night. Fun to think about. And if you're

1:17:18

high, isn't that fun? Sure. Well, I

1:17:20

mean, you're listening to this and you're high. I

1:17:22

should think about worm heads. Think about worm

1:17:24

heads. Why don't you?

1:17:31

Okay. So what was that? Number four? Five. We're

1:17:34

on five. We made it to five. Five

1:17:36

of lizard tricks. I will say. Are

1:17:38

any of these tricks, by the way? The

1:17:42

first one is just look at it. To be

1:17:44

fair, I said,

1:17:47

this is a trick for

1:17:49

blizzards. Just meaning that they're

1:17:52

tricky to get out of your house. But

1:18:01

he's okay, lizards are playing the trick. The

1:18:03

theme song! The lizards are the tricky one!

1:18:05

My impromptu theme song turned it into lizards.

1:18:07

You made it seem like these are helpful

1:18:09

hints. If you have

1:18:11

a lizards in your home, you're just going to first

1:18:13

look at it. Then look at it again. Then it

1:18:15

will leave a body part behind. Then it hides in

1:18:17

a dark corner. You want the tube mixed

1:18:20

up. It's true, I'm so sorry. Oh,

1:18:22

don't get in the wrong order with this trick. Number

1:18:26

five is trapping it, right? If

1:18:28

you try to grab it and it leaves behind a tail,

1:18:30

you still have to get it. It can be a very

1:18:33

long process. It

1:18:35

can be a very stressful process.

1:18:38

Well, you're not going to get it. Let's just say

1:18:40

that. You're not going to get that lizard. And

1:18:42

that's number six. You're not going to get it. That's the

1:18:44

final trick. The lizard finds its way out of it. You

1:18:46

find it dead. Or you'll find it dead! I

1:18:50

tell you what though. I would rather have

1:18:52

one thousand lizards in my home

1:18:55

than a single cricket. No,

1:18:57

agreed. You will never find

1:18:59

that cricket. Even though you swear

1:19:02

you are standing face to face with it. It

1:19:04

sounds as if it's sitting on your nose. And that

1:19:06

thing is nowhere to be seen. You hear the

1:19:08

noise, you get close to the noise, and then

1:19:10

you feel like the noise is right inside your head.

1:19:12

And for all you know, the cricket, like a cartoon,

1:19:14

could be sitting on top of you, making the noise.

1:19:18

But I recently had a cricket in

1:19:20

my home. And it

1:19:22

went on for days. And I looked up how long

1:19:24

crickets live. And it's 90 days. No.

1:19:28

That's too long. That's too long. For an

1:19:30

animal that makes that noise. Yeah. And

1:19:32

I mean, I guess that's just dying of old cricket age,

1:19:34

is 90 days. All

1:19:37

things being equal. Yeah, maybe they starve to

1:19:39

death sooner than that. Or

1:19:43

am I supposed to be foul play? Does

1:19:47

it each have 90 days to get someone

1:19:49

to learn their lesson, or to help someone

1:19:51

become a real boy? Yeah. Cricket.

1:19:55

What are you talking about, babe? Babe, you're drunk. I'm

1:19:57

putting my ears together. How many ears are you talking

1:19:59

about? I mean, this has been a while. It's not

1:20:01

the beer, it's the atmosphere. Okay, I would adjust it if I were

1:20:03

you. That should be the sign of that. I've heard that excuse before.

1:20:05

Well, listen, all I can say is next week, by next week, I

1:20:07

hope the twins make themselves known.

1:20:15

This is Matt and Goliath. Matt and Goliath,

1:20:17

that's right. And I sure

1:20:20

hope, I sure hope that they put

1:20:23

me out of my misery because, you know, if

1:20:25

they take too long, they're going to come back

1:20:28

out. They're not going to recognize me because I'm

1:20:30

going to have a total face change. No, Joan.

1:20:32

Joan. I'll

1:20:34

think about it. I will think about it. Stay

1:20:36

tuned. In the meantime, we

1:20:40

wish you well. Yes. Thank

1:20:42

you so much for listening. And if you'd like to

1:20:44

hear ad-free versions

1:20:46

of the show, you can sign up at cbbworld.com.

1:20:49

I don't know what that stands

1:20:51

for, CBB. There

1:20:55

was no way to find out. It must be

1:20:57

some community thing since we're on that network. I

1:21:00

think so. Community. Community,

1:21:02

baby. Community, community, baby. You are

1:21:04

drunk. CBB. Community,

1:21:06

baby, what? Well. Baby, the two

1:21:08

B's. The BB. BB.

1:21:11

Community, BB. Community, BB. I get it.

1:21:14

I get it. I like that. Community,

1:21:16

BB. I'm sure you'll

1:21:18

like it. I'm sure you'll like it. I'm sure you'll like

1:21:21

it. I'm sure you'll like it. I'm sure you'll like it.

1:21:24

All right, well thank you. As well. Oh

1:21:26

boy. What's that text? That's the

1:21:28

bonus room. Oh, yes. Oh, and of

1:21:31

course the bonus room where we do even more. We

1:21:33

have extra content that we're calling the bonus room. Yeah,

1:21:35

like a little play on all the extra rooms I have in

1:21:37

my house. Right, and also on bonus room

1:21:39

the term in realty. Yes. Where

1:21:41

that describes a small space that you can't do anything

1:21:43

with. Right, it's a free, we put anything you want

1:21:46

in there. I guess it's a bonus room. Yeah. You

1:21:49

can put all your taxes from the last 15 years and an

1:21:51

air hockey table. The

1:21:54

bonus room. So

1:21:58

thank you so much for listening. back

1:22:00

next week with another episode of The

1:22:03

Neighborhood Listen. Until then, goodbye! And bye!

1:22:08

All of the posts used in this episode were

1:22:10

real. Only some geographical specifics have been changed. The

1:22:12

Neighborhood Listen is hosted and produced by

1:22:14

me, Paul F. Tompkins. And me, Nicole

1:22:16

Parker. And me, Brett Morris. This episode's

1:22:18

guest was played by Eugene Cordero. The

1:22:20

Neighborhood Listen is a production of Comedy

1:22:22

Bang Bang World. Go to cbbworld.com

1:22:24

to unlock the entire history of the

1:22:26

show, ad-free, as well as brand new

1:22:29

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1:22:33

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