1:31

Welcome , welcome

1:35

back .

1:37

Hey y'all , welcome back to Cheating's podcast

1:39

.

1:41

Welcome back , Episode

1:44

seven Cheatings . I'm

1:46

your girl , Tage Marie .

1:49

I'm Mikaela Ray .

1:52

I'm Leah Cheyenne . Thank y'all for joining

1:54

us . Shout

1:56

out to everyone who is listening

1:59

. We appreciate y'all's support . Please

2:02

, please , please . It helps us in this world

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. If you're listening and tuning in , leave

2:06

a review , rate us five stars

2:08

. Let us know what you think and

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support our work . We always link

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our outside ventures in

2:15

the show notes . So if you're interested

2:17

in a journal , if you're interested

2:20

in some artwork , help yourself

2:22

and support us Definitely

2:24

. All right , so why don't we jump

2:27

into the news roundup ?

2:30

All right . So in recent news

2:33

line up August

2:36

26 , it was the start of a

2:38

Virgo . Well , I don't know if it was the start

2:40

of Virgo season , but we're officially in

2:43

Virgo season . So

2:45

Kiki and her

2:47

man because , yes , y'all , they

2:49

are still together . We had

2:51

that confirmed yesterday on his live , but

2:55

he was celebrating her birthday , so apparently

2:57

they went out to a restaurant together and

2:59

he always takes her out specifically

3:02

for her birthday . They made that

3:04

clear . But during

3:08

the live it was funny because basically

3:10

I guess he was talking shit about Virgos , which

3:13

is nothing new because he was talking shit about what

3:15

she was wearing and

3:18

she was like go ahead and talk your

3:20

shit about what you said about Virgos so they could

3:22

eat your ass up . And I was cracking

3:24

up in my head because I feel like

3:26

since that situations happened

3:28

, kiki's low-key been trolling him

3:30

Like she recently had that

3:32

single with Usher and

3:35

the trailer that dropped . You

3:37

know , in the trailer you see her and then you

3:39

hear Usher saying oh , I heard your boyfriend was

3:41

looking for me . That is

3:43

so funny , right , it's

3:47

just the hilarious situation . So like everybody's

3:49

trying to figure out if they were still together or not , because

3:51

it basically seemed like she was trolling him

3:53

. She also posted a picture , you

3:56

know , with her ass cheeks out . Oh , fun

3:59

fact , she has his birthdays

4:01

had it on the cusp of her booty

4:04

cheeks . So

4:06

they they're locked , locked in in

4:08

that sense . But yes , y'all

4:10

, they're still together . No , no more need

4:12

to wonder

4:15

. In Love and Hip Hop Atlanta

4:17

news Not sure if

4:19

you guys have heard yet but Eric Mena , bambi

4:22

and Zell

4:24

. Zell was actually from Love

4:26

and Hip Hop Hollywood , but

4:28

they were locked up this weekend

4:31

, mugshots and everything . Fun

4:33

fact , bambi's

4:36

real name is like Adani Adana

4:40

. It's a name

4:42

that I just didn't expect and I'm trying to figure

4:44

out where she got Bambi from .

4:47

She probably got it from like a stripper , like

4:49

I was watching an interview with

4:51

like Don piece , and like she

4:53

was trying to figure out her name and

4:56

like her friend was like , because she was going to be , what

4:58

was her name going to be ? It was going to be something else . And

5:01

then her friend was like , oh no , your

5:03

name should be Dom piece or Dom or something

5:05

like that . And that's how she ended up getting it .

5:07

Like she just needed a name for the night . Wow

5:10

, that's wild . That's

5:13

wild . But they

5:16

were in a club , allegedly and

5:19

according to saucy Santana

5:22

, who went on his live after it happened

5:24

, because in the videos that they released you see

5:26

saucy Santana like hauling ass

5:28

out of the club . But he

5:32

said like I don't associate with that , I

5:34

don't like my name being attached to any of that , so

5:36

that's why he exited stage left and

5:38

Zell knows that as well . But according

5:41

to saucy Santana , erica Mena was drunk

5:43

, she was belligerent , she was being

5:45

extra Security approached her

5:47

Apparently . A security

5:50

got a little bit too handsy with

5:52

her , so Zell kind of hopped in and was

5:54

like yo don't , don't touch her , like that

5:56

she's a woman , and

6:00

then a whole melee again

6:03

. So , yes , all three of them

6:05

have mugshots currently

6:08

. Yeah

6:10

, there's that on that . And

6:13

for a third of the week , aliyah , you want to take that one

6:15

away ?

6:17

Yeah . So for anyone who knows

6:19

Kara J or follows her on social media

6:21

, you know she'd be posting some out of pocket shit

6:23

all the time , telling

6:26

some stuff from her real life that be happened

6:28

in and so much more . So she actually posted

6:30

this tweet back

6:33

in July about

6:36

a friend and her partner at the time . She and

6:39

the dude are no longer together because

6:41

of this situation , but the tweet

6:43

says my

6:45

nigga took me and my friends out to celebrate

6:48

me starting tour . When I left town

6:50

, one of them start hitting him up to link

6:52

. When I addressed it she said we're

6:54

not friends . You want to associate ? He's

6:56

my friend now and that concludes

6:58

the chapter of my life . Being welcoming

7:01

. Y'all are scary . So

7:03

that led me down a rabbit hole

7:06

to do some thinking

7:08

around . What does friendship actually look

7:10

like and what ? What does it mean ? Because some

7:12

people really be

7:15

thinking people are friends and they're not their friends

7:17

because you're an associate is crazy

7:19

to me . Going after my

7:21

man is crazy to me . That is wild .

7:27

She said you're an associate , though that's

7:31

wild , but under her doing to me that's also

7:33

wild yeah .

7:35

Why would you want to be hanging out with me like that , in that

7:37

capacity , if I'm just your associate ?

7:40

I'm just saying but

7:43

then wait , is Kara J like

7:45

an actual like ? Is she an artist ? I've not

7:47

heard her .

7:48

She is a poet and an influencer

7:51

.

7:52

Oh , okay , okay , Okay , that's wild

7:54

.

7:56

Yeah so .

7:58

I was also going to say I feel like people whole friendship

8:00

in different regards , like I

8:03

have heard of people saying , like there

8:06

are certain friendship groups that I've overheard

8:08

being nosy , like

8:11

they'll share partners , and I'm just like

8:13

I would never

8:15

like never in my life knowingly

8:17

share partners . So

9:14

I'm just , that's not . I'm

9:17

not shaming anybody , but I'm just like what

9:19

I'm also . What's

9:21

mine is mine , what's yours is yours . I'm

9:24

not looking at yours , don't look at mine . And

9:26

I'm also a little bit like territorial

9:28

, even when it comes to my friends , like that , like so , like

9:30

if it's my friend , it's my friend . Go

9:33

get your own friend .

9:37

That's interesting Cause usually

9:39

, like in most like friend circles

9:41

, like especially with females , it's

9:44

like if I've been with

9:46

them , like it's just unspoken that

9:48

you just shouldn't venture

9:50

there .

9:52

But for me also it's like if you

9:55

find someone , if I'm your friend and

9:57

you find somebody attractive , and even if I did

9:59

find them attractive , I no longer find them attractive

10:01

because you now find them attractive .

10:05

Well , I'm still think they attractive

10:07

, but I'm just not going like I'm like I did before

10:09

.

10:10

I will find your flaw .

10:11

Unfortunately , like that's just , I mean , everyone

10:13

has a flaw , even when you are attractive .

10:15

No , I know , but like in my head , now

10:18

that I know that my friend finds you attractive , I

10:20

just okay . There's something about you now that

10:22

it doesn't sit with my spirit , like

10:25

I don't like you anymore . Like there's no , there's

10:27

no shine , there's no like razzle

10:29

dazzle to you anymore . Somebody

10:31

else wants you to think ahead of you . Now You're

10:33

for the streets .

10:35

Yikes .

10:36

That sounds like . I guess that sounds a little harsh , but

10:39

like I just I don't know , I don't like

10:41

what everybody else wants .

10:44

That's real though .

10:46

Yeah , I think on that front that's just bad behavior

10:48

but it got me also thinking about just

10:52

some instances of . I've seen around this whole

10:54

narrative about like mean and funny acting

10:56

black girls . So there's this page

10:58

I like called the Ignite Intellectual

11:01

and they basically started a whole

11:03

brand off of that . Because on the one

11:05

hand , you have girls who are actually like

11:07

mean girls and trash

11:10

, but then on the other hand , you

11:12

have girls and women . They're not

11:14

necessarily mean girls , they just act different

11:16

, like maybe they're neurodivergent

11:18

, maybe they're introverted , maybe they're just

11:21

like not interested in what you had to say , but

11:23

sometimes people don't know how to read that

11:25

. So it's like well , that person

11:28

is automatically mean , when

11:30

actually the person might

11:32

not be mean , they just might not be into

11:34

you . And

11:36

then I listened to this episode of

11:38

Small Dosis by Amanda Seales , where

11:40

she was actually talking about mean girls , like girls

11:43

that go out of their way

11:45

to be mean

11:47

and hurtful and spiteful , like

11:50

Ashley from Teen Mom . And

11:56

Amanda started listing some examples of

11:58

what she went through and I

12:01

mean , I feel like I've

12:03

definitely been a mean girl as a mean girl in first

12:06

grade .

12:09

That's not really true , not

12:11

first grade no .

12:15

I definitely believe someone in first grade

12:17

. No , how

12:19

did you bully them ? Oh

12:22

, I should be I . It's okay , you should be

12:24

, I no . I

12:26

mean well let me just be

12:29

transparent

12:31

. I

12:34

went out of the way to ostracize the

12:36

person because I was territorial

12:38

about my friend group in first

12:40

grade .

12:42

And I didn't .

12:43

I didn't like this new person

12:45

coming in and , if

12:47

I'm going to be completely transparent , to like

12:49

a huge part of that was like definitely

12:51

jealousy too . She was then

12:54

, and still is , a very pretty girl and

12:57

it used to bother me that

12:59

, like , all of my friends wanted to be friends and

13:03

the boys I liked wanted to like her

13:05

instead of me . So I definitely

13:07

was a little bully back then and I

13:10

never made it right in first grade . But , like many

13:12

years later , I did seek

13:14

her out and like apologize . I wasn't

13:16

even like in New York anymore

13:19

. I was like I think I was in Arkansas

13:21

at the time . But I did seek her out and like apologize

13:23

, to be like you know , I it still kind of eats me up

13:25

that I , even though we were young , it eats

13:28

me up that I did that and I'm , you

13:31

know , I'm sorry and I thought we squashed

13:33

it because she was like you know , that's real

13:35

big of you . I appreciate it . I thought we squashed

13:38

it . We ended up in the same high school together

13:40

. She did not , she hadn't squashed

13:42

it . I . I scarred

13:44

that girl . Oh shit

13:46

, what happened ? Because I mean nothing

13:48

ever like horrible happened , but

13:51

like we had a couple of classes together

13:53

, we'd see each other in the hallway . A few of us ended up in

13:55

that same school in high

13:57

school when we were in the first

13:59

grade and one of

14:01

the girls who was in the friend group tried to mediate

14:03

, like she was so excited to like be

14:06

like . Oh , my God , you're , you're , like we're in the same

14:08

school again . Guess who else goes here ? Oh

14:10

, gosh . And

14:14

we like both kind of like awkwardly laughed

14:16

with each other . So she tried

14:19

to like smooth things over and

14:21

it was kind of like oh , aliyah

14:24

, hmm , hmm .

14:28

So now , you're in the girl in

14:30

the in the .

14:31

I definitely , I

14:33

definitely like yeah

14:36

, she definitely didn't hadn't healed

14:39

from that by high school , but

14:41

it's not like anything . It wasn't any like

14:43

bullying or anything . She just made it clear that she didn't

14:45

forget the experience that she had .

14:47

She was in the first grade .

14:49

Yeah , and I mean I get

14:51

it , I would too . I think

14:53

my . My karma

14:55

for that , though , was , like

14:59

I mentioned in a previous episode , I definitely

15:01

bounced around school . So , by the time

15:03

I had gotten to like middle

15:06

school in Mount Vernon , there

15:10

was a girl that I was friends

15:12

with . Like we were fine , we lived on

15:14

the same block , one house apart , and everything when

15:16

I was in Mount Vernon . And then

15:18

, one day , things changed because over something

15:20

dumb , because I didn't want to let her cut me on the lunch line . So

15:24

we actually like she . Like

15:26

she actually thought I

15:28

don't know , she just thought she could stick . Like come

15:31

cut me on the line just because we're friends . I was like no girl get behind

15:33

me . Like I didn't

15:36

play about food then , I didn't play around it now

15:38

.

15:39

I don't play about it now .

15:40

So I think it went from

15:43

joking and playful to like a serious

15:45

, like little altercation

15:48

, like we had a very mini fight , like she

15:50

tried to hit me , she

15:52

ended up on the ground and she hated me

15:54

since then .

15:55

Like to the point where that anger be real

15:57

.

15:58

She wasn't like , it wasn't just me . She's

16:00

bullying a lot of people , but like that

16:03

. That changed completely Ever

16:05

since that moment . It was just like , oh

16:07

, I'm going to harass her every day . Like there was

16:09

one day I was walking home from school

16:11

and she and her brother were not far behind

16:14

me going home too , cause we lived on the same block

16:16

, and it was just like yelling

16:18

behind me , calling me all kinds of names . Her

16:20

brother called me a bitch , all

16:22

kinds of stuff . This is like fourth grade

16:24

or fifth grade .

16:25

Oh no .

16:26

Fifth grade . It's like what are those grades

16:28

, Whatever middle school grade is ? And I was just

16:30

like , really . But so I

16:33

feel like in that instance I kind of got my

16:35

karma for being main

16:37

in first grade . But also

16:39

everything comes full circle because that

16:41

girl was also bullying a

16:44

lot of people too and

16:46

to the point where , like everybody in the class

16:48

snitched on her and she , like my

16:51

, our , our little it was sixth grade our little

16:53

sixth grade teacher went and pulled her from

16:55

one class to come into our class so that

16:57

she could scold her in front of everybody . She never bullied

16:59

anybody again .

17:02

Oh , probably correct , Humiliation

17:04

is different .

17:06

Yeah . So , yeah

17:08

, I mean I say

17:10

that to say that , like I definitely had

17:12

an instance in my life where I went out of my

17:14

way to be the mean girl

17:17

. Now I don't

17:19

go out of my way to be the mean girl . I'll fucking

17:21

be mean if I have to , like

17:23

if somebody needs to get checked

17:25

or if I'm like standing up for

17:27

someone else , or if I feel like people

17:30

or situations are just stupid and I can't

17:32

help it . But I

17:34

don't go out of my way to like

17:36

be mean on purpose

17:39

because I just feel like that's just not good energy

17:41

. But

17:43

I think about that sometimes too and I'm like I'm not

17:46

. I'm not proud of that . Like you

17:48

know , even if I was a kid , I'm

17:50

not proud of that . That's not the person I aspire to

17:52

be . So I try my best not

17:54

to do that , like in adulthood , obviously

17:57

. But if

17:59

a savage needs to come out , it'll come out , not

18:04

a less provoked Right

18:06

.

18:07

I mean , we've all had our moments . I feel like

18:09

when I was in the seventh grade I used

18:11

to like joke a lot and

18:13

like Joan on people

18:16

and like looking

18:18

back , joan and on people is kind of bullying , not

18:20

kind of it is bullying , especially if the person

18:22

who you're doing it to isn't laughing or

18:25

if they're laughing like and

18:28

one of my friends actually called me out on it

18:31

Like she was like I don't want to be friends with someone who's

18:33

always making fun of people and I was like damn

18:35

, I don't want to be that person

18:38

. Like I'm just making

18:40

jokes , but like

18:42

there's a fine line between like making jokes

18:44

, because sometimes making jokes is like you're really

18:47

talking shit about that person but you're just doing

18:49

it in a funny way . So I

18:52

mean it was that moment , but

18:55

everyone's experienced it . I always say

18:57

, like I could never be in school now

18:59

, compared to me being

19:01

in school back then , this

19:04

generation is just different , Like it's

19:06

just ruthless . Yo , yeah

19:09

, it's different and

19:11

it's not even like in person bullying

19:13

, because like what you were talking about , you more so experienced

19:16

it in person . Now it's like cyber

19:18

.

19:19

It's like you can't get away from it .

19:20

Right , like it's just

19:23

, it's crazy , man , it's crazy

19:25

.

19:26

Yeah , well , shout out to that friend

19:28

for holding you accountable . But also

19:31

I feel you on the cyber bullying

19:33

thing . But , like I said , like the main girl will come out

19:35

, because there's some times we get like comments

19:38

I don't like on on

19:40

the podcast page and other stuff and I've been

19:42

eating people up . I don't care . So

19:45

I'm like

20:23

I yes , I probably

20:25

could not survive . I'm real , maybe

20:29

honestly , because I mean I

20:31

feel like sometimes bees be sleeping

20:34

people , so maybe some

20:36

people are not built for it . But I'm also just like I'm

20:38

chewing people up when they comment some

20:40

certain things on our page , like when

20:42

we share your stuff . That's like

20:44

pro pride or whatever , and people

20:47

be like saying fuck shit . I'll

20:49

be like I

20:52

think .

20:52

I'm . And have you know

20:54

oh no , have

20:57

you watched Episode

20:59

four of the shy this recent episode ?

21:02

I have not watched any episodes yet , so

21:04

please don't tell me anything .

21:06

Please , we watch it . But , like in

21:08

reference to what you were saying , like when we speak about

21:10

, like pro pride , things , like there is a

21:12

moment in episode four where

21:15

, like there's an interaction between

21:17

the general public and , you know , the

21:20

trans woman , ok , and

21:22

my man stands up like

21:25

the little boy with the locks I forgot his name

21:27

but like Jacob

21:30

, yes , he stands up for

21:32

her . He was like , nah , we not tolerating

21:34

that shit . So , ok , that's dope

21:37

. When you do have to be

21:39

aggressive , like not even be aggressive , but when

21:41

you do have to stand up for what's right , yeah

21:44

exactly Stand up . That's it

21:46

. It's not even about being mean . It's

21:48

really about advocating for .

21:49

I feel like it's wielding that power for good

21:52

, not for bad . Like

21:54

wield that power for good because Word

21:56

yeah .

21:58

I also feel like that has to do with the fact that like

22:00

that's your family like even though they're not

22:02

like family family , but like that's

22:04

also not the first trans character

22:06

that's been on the show , but

22:09

that like is your

22:11

family , so you're going to protect your family or somebody that's close

22:13

to you .

22:14

Well , you would say you

22:16

protect your family , but some people , even

22:19

though a trans , you have a trans member

22:21

in the family , some people won't protect them the way

22:23

that they should be protected . I agree with that

22:25

, like the way he stood

22:27

up for her , especially like as

22:29

a teenager , because you know they're still like

22:31

16 , 17 . So

22:34

like that was really conscious

22:36

and admirable . And

22:39

then I also remember , like Lena Waithe

22:41

is definitely the writer and the creator , so

22:44

she's going to make sure like those moments are seen

22:46

.

22:48

I was going to say well , this is . I

22:51

was going to say , also , this is like real life , like

22:53

somebody that I know

22:55

personally like recently came out

22:57

to their parents and like before their

22:59

parents were like very homophobic

23:02

and

23:04

now , like she said that her

23:07

mom doesn't necessarily , like she

23:10

doesn't make the comments that she was to make , so

23:12

like she's more conscious of what is

23:15

said around her daughter and stuff like that .

23:17

That's amazing .

23:18

Yeah , but that's what I was

23:20

saying to myself . It's probably because not probably

23:23

, but like it has to do with the fact that it's somebody that's

23:25

close to somebody that you love , like you make a conscious

23:28

effort to like Protect

23:30

them , or you should make a conscious effort to

23:32

protect them .

23:34

If you are empathetic .

23:37

Yeah , yeah .

23:39

Yeah , and just also it's

23:41

empathy and also understanding the plight

23:43

of everyone . Like we all face different journeys

23:45

, we all face different struggles . Like so

23:47

even though we all black and we all women

23:50

, like if you are a part of

23:52

the LGBTQ community , like you

23:54

face a different journey or

23:56

a different challenge and when I

23:58

say woman , I mean trans woman as

24:00

well , sis women and trans women . We all

24:02

face different journeys , different challenges

24:04

, so Just respect

24:06

it . What

24:09

someone eats doesn't make you

24:11

shit . Don't yuck anyone's yum . Like

24:14

. Just let people live , like we were talking

24:16

about in the first few episodes . Stop policing people

24:18

.

24:20

This has nothing to do with anything , but I just

24:22

thought about it . When you said don't yuck

24:24

anybody's yum , I used to put like Cheetos

24:26

and strawberry yogurt and people used to think

24:28

it was so gross . That's

24:32

nothing to do with what we're talking about , but it

24:34

just popped into my head . So that is

24:36

my yum . Do not yuck it

24:39

. You got it Cause it tastes

24:41

good . It might hurt your

24:44

stomach afterwards , but that's what I

24:46

was about to say it's

24:48

just don't knock it till you try it , oh

24:53

man , specifically strawberry yogurt .

24:58

I had a really disgusting favorite

25:02

thing when we lived in Arkansas . I

25:04

never told mommy about this . Mommy used

25:06

to . Bobby would be like how

25:09

are the waffles finishing so quickly ? I

25:15

used to be like but

25:19

my favorite little after

25:22

school snack is I would put

25:25

peanut butter and doughy like on waffle instead

25:27

of bread , but then on the side of

25:29

it , which is not so bad . But on the side of

25:31

it I used to love to have a pickle .

25:34

I love a pickles . Oh my God

25:36

.

25:39

This is why

25:42

we are friends . Oh my God . So Pickle

25:45

the olives , don't yuck my

25:47

yum . That was my snack . I don't

25:49

know that I could . I don't think I could eat

25:51

that . Now I haven't tried

25:54

, but I don't . I think

25:56

it was like the

25:59

salty , sour

26:01

and sweet Like I don't know what it was , but

26:03

I like I used to crave that

26:05

I would like , especially

26:08

when mommy was like substitute eating or like

26:10

teaching it or in classes , so she wasn't

26:12

home . I would get home before

26:14

Fuck it up , fuck it up , fuck it up . So

26:16

I had to rush to go get the

26:18

little Ego waffles and make my

26:20

own . She was like I just

26:22

bought waffles , like I

26:25

, how are the waffles finished ? She was like well

26:27

, cause , I would have two waffles for breakfast along

26:29

with other people and I'd come home that

26:32

is hilarious .

26:34

Yo , no , yum , yum , yum . Okay

26:37

, that my , so mine is a

26:39

little . Now that I think about it it sounds

26:41

a little nasty , but it's good as fuck . So

26:43

you know , like the Kraft Mac and cheese , I

26:46

make the Kraft Mac and cheese and then I make a little bit . I

26:48

would make tuna fish and then I put the tuna fish

26:50

inside of the Kraft Mac and cheese .

26:52

I feel like people do that .

26:53

Yeah , I don't feel like that's how to do it

26:55

. More what ?

26:56

is it ? Oh okay , tuna salad , yeah

26:59

, or like tuna casserole Something like

27:01

that .

27:01

Wow . Yeah , like I've seen that I've

27:04

seen that like Mac and cheese and tuna .

27:07

So that was like my little weird thing .

27:09

I think that's the most normal thing out of what

27:11

we the

27:14

examples we've given .

27:15

But oh man hey

27:18

.

27:19

Yeah . But circling back on the topic

27:21

of friendship , finding things that

27:23

you bond over so we

27:26

just kind of want to do like a mini deep dive

27:28

on like sisterhood and friendships

27:30

. I don't know about y'all and y'all can share , like

27:32

some examples you've seen , but I've

27:35

seen a number of things about

27:38

the evolution of friendship , specifically between

27:40

women . I'm not even talking about every

27:42

single person , but

27:45

there's just a lot of women

27:47

and , like this narrative now , a lot of women are

27:49

decentering men from

27:51

their lives , like they're learning how

27:54

to just be and

27:56

function and not do emotional labor for men

27:58

, not rely on men for money , like

28:00

all these different things . I've

28:03

seen , you know , some examples

28:06

of adult

28:08

female friends , like buying homes

28:10

together instead of like , oh , I'm going to wait

28:12

till I get my husband or I'm going to do this by myself

28:15

, like I'm going to do this with a friend . So

28:18

, I've seen that . That , I think

28:20

, is really , really dope . There's

28:24

also been and I think this is just more broadly for

28:26

everybody , not just women , but there's also been a rise

28:28

in like communal living . So

28:30

there are some people who are buying

28:32

up property and setting up spaces

28:35

for just them and their family , or they're doing

28:37

it with like friends , or

28:39

they're doing it with like people

28:42

who want to live a similar lifestyle

28:44

and they're doing like more communal

28:46

style living as opposed to just like

28:49

struggling and suffering by themselves

28:51

. They're like turning to their families and their community

28:54

to do that . Someone

28:56

that I know from my previous job , a

28:58

former coworker that I have like one of her

29:01

goals and one of her dreams is to have

29:03

a farm in upstate New York and

29:06

for it to be like BIPOC

29:09

so black and indigenous people of color

29:11

, friendly and LGBTQ plus

29:13

friendly and it'll be a

29:15

community of people who just live up there on

29:17

the farm . They tend to the farm collectively

29:19

, they eat collectively

29:22

, they take care of the property collectively

29:24

and they allow it to be a

29:26

space and a resource for

29:29

people traveling from other parts of

29:31

New York or elsewhere to also come

29:33

and have a safe haven .

29:35

Yo , I'm sorry to cut

29:37

you off but you know I watch a lot of reality

29:39

TV 90 day , fiance . Right , there's

29:42

a girl now who

29:45

has a girl in England and

29:47

that's basically how she lives

29:49

, like it's a farm . It's a community

29:52

farm . They have free housing on

29:54

the farm . They just have to work the farm certain

29:57

times throughout the week and people

29:59

who are visiting can come by . They

30:01

have short term stays and the long term stays

30:03

. It's pretty dope , like

30:05

that would be amazing to do here

30:08

.

30:09

Yeah .

30:09

I hope your coworker gets it started .

30:12

I hope so . I know , former coworker

30:14

, I know they're working really hard toward it , yeah

30:18

, and just a bunch of other examples . So then of course

30:20

, there are obviously still

30:23

many women I don't know how many

30:25

, but many women who still

30:28

want the ideal , or not

30:30

even ideal , but like more familiar

30:34

, like some straight women

30:36

who want like the traditional , like

30:38

white picket fence , like four

30:41

unit family with the mom , the husband

30:44

, the two kids and the dog and whatever

30:46

. There are people who

30:48

want some version of that , like whatever

30:50

the parents may , look , like , however many kids

30:53

they want , they still want that . But there's also a lot

30:55

of women who are part

30:57

of this child free movement

30:59

who don't want that . They just wanna live

31:01

in like community with other

31:04

people who also don't want that

31:06

or be

31:08

close to family or other friends . So I'm just

31:10

seeing like all of these things happening at once

31:13

and it's kind of opening

31:15

my mind up to like the

31:18

possibilities of like what platonic

31:20

friendship can be , especially

31:23

in a society that centers coupling

31:25

and relationships so much to the point

31:27

where people will be coupled

31:29

and in relationships and they like lose

31:32

sight of friendships . And

31:35

we see like a group of people who are

31:37

like actually , no

31:39

, my platonic friendship is gonna be the

31:41

most important relationship in my life and this

31:43

is how I'm nurturing it . So , just

31:45

seeing all those trends , we wanted to talk a little

31:47

bit more about just

31:50

friendship , like what it means to us , what sisterhood

31:52

means to us , what friendship means to us , what community means

31:54

to us . And , yeah , obviously hear

31:57

from y'all too , like what these things

31:59

mean to y'all as well . So , any

32:01

thoughts ?

32:04

I think the basis of a friendship should be like not

32:07

saying that like you

32:09

should be there for your friend , like

32:11

what you wouldn't want for yourself , what you shouldn't do

32:13

to them , and vice versa . I

32:16

feel like you should handle your friends with care . I

32:19

feel like your friends should handle you with care , and

32:22

I also feel like a lot of the times , especially

32:24

nowadays , I feel like people just don't

32:26

do that . Like

32:29

the way that I see certain female relationships , not to

32:31

say that they're not strong ones , but like you

32:33

end up hearing certain things like on the news where , like , people

32:35

go on vacation and then all of a sudden you find out that your

32:38

friend is actually jealous of you and then

32:40

they keep like you end up dead . So

32:44

I just I

32:46

also feel like I hold friendship quite high in

32:49

my hand and my heart , whatever adulthood

32:52

of the thing is .

32:55

I feel like , honestly I'm

32:58

sorry , we use the word friend

33:00

very like , like

33:02

lightly . Yes , I

33:05

feel like we should hold it's

33:07

almost like you should hold the term friend

33:09

on the level that you hold love

33:11

, but we also use the term

33:13

love so freely and willingly

33:16

that it's also lost this meaning . So

33:18

, like a lot of people that are

33:21

around us , we may call them friend but

33:23

in actuality , when we sit back and think about

33:25

it , they're just acquaintances . Because

33:27

when I'm in my deepest , darkest moment , can I

33:30

really lean on you , can I really call

33:32

on you and not feel

33:34

judged , and

33:36

feel like I can be my 100%

33:39

authentic self . When

33:41

I think through the list of people that I know , when

33:44

I think through the list of people that I know I

33:49

literally can count out on a hand , like

33:51

who I can call

33:53

, like or who I would call if I were to be in

33:56

crisis and who I would lean on and

33:58

like who I know would be there for me , and

34:02

some of those people

34:04

. We don't speak on a consistent basis

34:06

, but when we do speak

34:08

we pick up where we left off Like

34:10

that is a true friendship . But

34:14

again , like the word

34:16

friend is used so lightly nowadays

34:19

, like I was even thinking

34:21

to myself , like when I went to walk by

34:23

the other day my neighbor was like hey

34:25

, friend , you

34:27

know , people just say that like

34:30

just randomly , so we

34:32

do take it lightly . But like friendships are

34:34

. They're rare now

34:37

, especially now , because

34:39

when people become your friends like it's

34:42

kind of like do they have an ulterior motive ? Just

34:44

like you were saying , mikaela , you

34:47

may not find out someone doesn't like you until

34:49

you go out the country and you know

34:51

you don't make it back . But

34:55

there are also red flags that we see

34:57

. So there's

34:59

a certain level of intimacy for me to consider you

35:01

an actual friend . I do have quite a few acquaintances

35:04

, but like people who I actually consider friends

35:06

, that list is very , that

35:09

circle is very small .

35:11

Yeah , I think I

35:14

don't remember that correct phrase

35:17

. I don't think circle of influence is correct

35:19

. I think there's a specific phrase where you can do

35:21

an activity and you can kind of do

35:24

rings or circles

35:27

within circles and you kind of put

35:29

people in the levels and the places

35:31

of the circle of where they're

35:33

where you have the most

35:35

intimate trusting friendship

35:38

or relationship with them , versus like the outer

35:40

rings where it's not the case . And

35:42

I think that's the same for me too . I have a lot

35:45

of acquaintances . I don't I wouldn't call

35:47

every single one of those

35:49

folks friend and

36:23

I do my best to distinguish who

36:26

I'm talking about . I'll be like oh , that's

36:30

a work friend , or that's like a former

36:34

coworker , that's a coworker or like this is

36:36

actually my friend . This is actually my bestie

36:38

. We're cool , you

36:42

know , I try to be

36:44

intentional about that and I'm and I talk to this

36:46

with my therapist all the time because I'm kind of

36:48

in a place where I'm

36:50

not the type of friendship

36:53

or the type of relationship

36:56

that I want in

36:58

that capacity , like it's

37:01

it's different than

37:03

what I currently have in my life

37:05

. So I think I go out to places

37:07

trying to seek that . It's one of the

37:09

reasons why I was like I'm super

37:11

interested in unruly , because there are a lot of women

37:14

who are like spiritual

37:16

, who are on like a healing

37:18

journey , who are actively working

37:20

very hard to like be

37:24

better people and we want to

37:26

be in community with each other . It's the reason

37:28

why I was so interested in the soul seekers

37:30

retreat that we did , because I

37:32

was like okay , like we're

37:34

gonna eat healthy , we're all here

37:36

because we're seeking something , we're

37:39

gonna do these activities together . We want

37:41

to have this like medicinal

37:43

spiritual experience , like I'm interested

37:45

in that . So I kind of

37:47

seek out those spaces . I don't always leave those

37:49

spaces with more than an

37:51

acquaintance , like even though I'm seeking depth

37:53

, and I think that's too cited , like part

37:55

of it is maybe I'm not opening

37:58

myself up as much as I could

38:00

, but the other part

38:02

of it is just like okay , we might all be here seeking

38:04

the same thing , but we don't necessarily connect

38:06

. It doesn't mean we're automatically gonna mesh just because

38:08

we're here for the same kind of goal . So

38:11

I think I'm just in

38:13

a place where the type of like

38:16

friendship and intimacy

38:18

and friendship that I want , I

38:21

think that needs to be like cultivated

38:23

. But I'm also open to like meeting

38:26

new people to an extent , because

38:29

I don't feel

38:31

like that currently exists for

38:35

different relationships that I have

38:37

right now like what I really desire . So

38:40

I think , just being open to the

38:42

kind of connection you want and like recognizing

38:44

the capacity you have to , because

38:46

it's like some people want connection and want

38:48

friendship and then it's

38:51

like when you have to put the effort in to maintain

38:53

the friendship and

38:55

keep it going . Like that's when it gets a little

38:57

bit hard , and that's something I struggle

38:59

with . I'm like I'm more of an introverted person

39:02

. So when I do hang out with people , like I generally

39:04

have a good time , like I love you

39:07

know , if I haven't seen someone for a really long time and we

39:09

get together , it like it feels new and it feels

39:11

exciting . I don't want that all the time . I

39:14

don't need that all the time . Word

39:16

, you know , like so it's

39:18

also finding a balance for like what

39:21

works best for you too . That's important

39:23

.

39:25

Definitely , definitely

39:27

wanting to

39:30

be with like-minded people , but

39:32

I also love to be around

39:34

people who , who starts

39:36

, are just like outlandish

39:38

, but not outlandish in a way where I'm like what

39:42

the fuck ? But make me think

39:44

, well , what the fuck ? Every now and then , but

39:47

yeah , it's

39:49

, it's . It's different when we went

39:51

to the Soul Seekers Club like that was amazing

39:54

because we were all there for something but like everyone

39:56

was , you know , everyone

40:00

was their own person , like we're

40:03

all on the same , like wavelength

40:05

, but not quite so that

40:07

was a dope experience , definitely .

40:10

Yeah , yeah . So

40:13

I think , mckayla

40:16

, you're going to say something .

40:19

I was just saying that like it's really good to have

40:21

people that kind of like balance you

40:23

, when you have friendships in

40:25

terms of like just

40:27

like when you were saying , like you're an introvert , like having

40:30

sometimes not necessarily all the time

40:32

, because that can be also very overwhelming having like

40:34

extroverted or omniverted friends , that

40:36

like can take you out and you'll have a good time and

40:39

then you can go back and like recharge your social

40:41

battery . I'm

40:44

starting to believe that I'm an omnivert because I

40:46

like to go out and I like to shake a foot , but

40:49

I then also need to

40:51

shake a foot girl , right

40:54

, but also

40:58

I might need like five

41:01

or six days after that to like just

41:03

be by myself .

41:07

I definitely feel you on that part , because

41:09

I'm definitely down to go out and have

41:11

a good time and party , but after

41:13

that I'm going to need , like a good maybe

41:16

four to six weeks to recuperate

41:18

because

41:20

yeah it was just a lot . It's

41:22

a lot of energies Like

41:25

. I do want to go out , I do want to party , but

41:27

not every weekend . You want to shake a foot

41:30

? I

41:32

want to shake a foot , oh

41:35

man .

41:36

Yeah , I'm just recognizing the activities

41:39

that feed you . So my

41:42

top three activities would not include

41:44

shaking a foot , but

41:46

me personally . I

41:50

do appreciate friends

41:52

who are interested in the type of things I

41:54

want to do . Like I just had

41:56

two . We can talk about this too . I just had two

41:58

varied experiences . Like Micaela

42:01

and I were super

42:03

down to see Burner Boy and she was still super

42:05

down and I did

42:07

not want to go . Like I

42:09

was trying to get rid of my ticket , and

42:12

Teja and I just saw Beyonce

42:14

and I was excited for that . Like

42:17

Micaela saw Beyonce , too , overseas

42:20

. So I'm

42:23

like I was down for that . But

42:25

on a typical day , like I'm gonna

42:27

ask my friend if they want to go see this exhibit with

42:29

me , because I love a museum , you know . Like I

42:32

just know what feeds

42:34

me and what is interesting to me

42:37

. I don't mind a nice dinner . You

42:39

don't call me if you want to go , like to

42:41

a bar and that's all you want to do , though , cause

42:43

I'm not interested in drinking

42:45

, literally . Like I don't want to just sit around and

42:47

have drinks , like I'm not the happy hour friend

42:49

. So I think just knowing , like I

42:52

think just knowing what

42:54

works for you and what you're interested in .

42:57

Yeah , what your capacity and your friend's capacities

42:59

are , yeah .

43:00

And , like you know , being

43:04

cool with people who are

43:06

interested in varied experiences Cause I

43:09

also go have fun too Like we've done

43:11

what have we done ? A rage room

43:13

. I want to do acts throwing someday . Like

43:15

I'll do stuff like that . But like don't

43:17

call me if you want to go to the club . No , call

43:20

the other friend If you want to go to

43:23

the club , I'll do a day party .

43:24

I won't go to the club at night , I will

43:27

do a day party . I definitely

43:29

will do a day party with you . If

43:31

you want to go to happy hour , I will

43:33

fucking go to happy hour with you , cause the food specials

43:35

we bomb is fuck , especially

43:38

if it's a spot that I want to try their food out and

43:41

the drinks are good too . So

43:44

, yeah , you call me for happy hour , I'm not going to

43:46

do it . I'm not going to lie

43:48

to you . I used to be the happy hour friend every

43:50

fucking Friday , saturday

43:52

, thursday , friday , saturday at happy hour . That

43:55

is no longer me . I am elderly

43:57

now . Not elderly , no

43:59

, you're not elderly . No , I'm

44:02

just like I'm beyond the happy

44:04

hour spot .

44:04

So , yeah , it is me . That's a different phase of life .

44:07

There you go . I'm in a different phase of life , so

44:10

like , yeah , you want to go to an art museum

44:12

, I'm definitely down to see that . You want to go to

44:14

an art exhibit ? I love like nature

44:18

, shit , like I'm down

44:20

with that . But if you want to get ratchet real

44:22

quick and go to a day party on where there should

44:24

do , yeah and

44:28

I'm definitely down for , well , I'm

44:30

not going to say I'm down for concerts , but if

44:32

it's an artist that I want to see , like

44:34

I definitely wanted to see B this year , got

44:37

that in . Wanted to see Cezza

44:39

, definitely want to see Brent Fayette's

44:41

, but like , other

44:44

than that , I'm

44:47

good off the concert tip .

44:49

Yeah .

44:49

And of course they're out of the million . I'm a million nervous .

44:52

Yeah , there are a million other things to do too , but

44:54

those are some examples that we could

44:56

think of right now . So I

44:59

think also one other thing on this

45:01

whole friendship part

45:03

that came up for me was

45:05

like not just recognizing

45:07

trends , but like even just

45:10

thinking about your own friendships and what

45:12

purpose , like , you're serving in people's

45:14

life and what purpose they're serving in your life too

45:17

, because , like I said , I'm constantly

45:19

reevaluating

45:21

relationships in my life and I'm like is this

45:23

relationship still feeding me ? Is

45:26

does the other person still

45:28

feel fed by being friends with me

45:30

? So I think just being mindful

45:33

of that , like taking honest assessments

45:35

, like people do relationship check-ins

45:38

for romantic relationships all the time , like

45:40

sometimes friendship check-ins

45:42

are just as important , if not more important

45:45

.

45:46

Normalized friendship check-ins .

45:48

Yeah , like

45:51

is the way I communicate , working with you

45:53

? Like does working for you ? Like

45:55

do you still feel good about

45:57

our friendship ? Like what's something that's missing

45:59

that you want more of , and be honest about , like what you

46:01

can or can't do and assess

46:03

where it goes . And I think the

46:06

other thing , too is I've been listening , I

46:08

listened to a lot of podcasts and

46:10

back in March , shan Boudram for lovers

46:12

and friends had one where

46:15

she was like you know , I'm a grown woman and

46:17

I don't have any friends , and she was talking

46:20

about how she's basically . Her life

46:22

has basically become her husband and her kids . Even

46:24

though she wants more friendship , she doesn't really have

46:26

the bandwidth for it . And

46:28

I thought that episode resonated very

46:30

deeply because there were a lot of different perspectives

46:32

in that one , and I think whether

46:34

or not you have a romantic

46:37

partner or kids , being

46:39

honest about your capacity for

46:41

certain relationships and friendships is super

46:43

important as well .

46:45

I was also going to say like maybe

46:48

. I shouldn't necessarily compare them to like romantic

46:50

relationships but due to the fact that you're not

46:52

having an intimate relationship

46:55

in like a sexual relationship

46:57

with your friend , like it

47:00

doesn't make it harder but it's

47:02

a different level of work that you have to put in that

47:05

makes any sense .

47:05

Definitely

47:07

, definitely . But

47:10

at the end of the day , friendship is a relationship

47:12

, just as a relationship

47:15

is a romantic relationship . So

47:18

as long as you're yeah

47:21

, as long as you're like moving forward and

47:23

growing with individuals . Those authentic

47:25

, like raw conversations need to be

47:27

had , and a true friend is

47:29

always going to call you out on your shit . Like I

47:31

don't want , yes , men around me , I

47:34

want people who are going to be like yo , you're

47:36

being a bitch . I feel like yo

47:38

, you were dead ass wrong . I

47:41

feel like that doesn't happen , as

47:43

much as it used to . It doesn't

47:45

, because people are afraid of losing

47:48

whatever connection

47:50

that is , but like if that's a real

47:52

friend or a true friend , like

47:54

no maybe I'll

47:57

be mad at the way that you expressed it to me

47:59

Like shit , you could have said it in a better tone

48:01

, my nigga . But thank

48:03

you for calling me out .

48:05

Let me not say that . But really and truly , sometimes that

48:07

tone you need to hear it in that way Like

48:10

regardless , like even if it's not a nice

48:12

tone , like sometimes like bitch you

48:14

fucking up , like you

48:18

know it hurt my feelings , but like maybe

48:20

it'll make me reevaluate the way that I'm like looking

48:23

at myself or looking at life or doing what I'm doing

48:25

and like just that's

48:27

real .

48:29

Yeah .

48:30

Communication is key , and it's not only

48:32

communication , but it's also it's more

48:34

so the understanding what's being communicated

48:36

to you , because we can communicate all day , but if you're

48:39

really not understanding what's

48:41

being given to you , then that

48:43

communication is null and void . So we

48:46

have to nurture all of the relationships

48:48

that fulfill us in

48:52

our lives .

48:54

And also evaluate if some of the relationships that don't

48:56

fulfill you if they're worth it yeah , some

49:01

people are draining .

49:04

I also think like a lot of times people

49:06

reserve like

49:09

emotional intimacy for

49:11

romantic relationships and

49:13

I feel like emotional intimacy

49:15

should definitely be present in friendships

49:18

, because what happens when the romantic

49:20

relationships fails , like nine times out of 10 , your

49:22

friends still gonna be there . So

49:24

, just being mindful of that . I

49:28

guess the last piece of this that

49:30

I kind of thought about is I've

49:33

also seen stuff around friendship

49:36

breakups and

49:38

navigating those . Yes

49:40

, we know , we know they hurt . I'm

49:45

gonna tell you that much . Okay .

49:48

So sorry , I can't do my breakups Okay .

49:50

I'm gonna say that Full trans I'm seeing

49:52

.

49:54

I'm seeing .

49:54

Mikhail and I had a friendship breakup once

49:56

and it was my fault .

49:58

Yes , it was , I wasn't leaving . Okay

50:01

, I wasn't . It wasn't me

50:03

.

50:04

I was crying for like a minute I needed to be

50:06

consult .

50:06

To be honest , I needed to be consult Trans

50:09

.

50:09

I'm sorry , I'm the game . This

50:11

was years ago . This is not like yesterday , okay .

50:16

Also like full disclosure . We've been friends

50:18

for over like 25 years , so like we

50:20

had one breakup . Call your daddy , look

50:23

at your parents , don't look at us . Oh

50:26

shit .

50:27

It was real . He got past it . I came to my senses and I apologized

50:29

and she came back .

50:34

But I like I said this

50:37

was years ago .

50:37

This was . This was college , like undergrad

50:40

, I think , and , like I said , this

50:42

is not new . I'm constantly assessing

50:44

relationships in my life and I felt like I

50:47

needed like I felt like I needed

50:49

like a separation

50:51

, and it didn't last

50:53

that long Cause

50:56

I went back .

50:58

Oh man .

50:59

But , and

51:01

it has to be like that you do I

51:06

will say , I will say I

51:09

will say that McKellis

51:11

probably the only , not pop , well

51:13

, yeah , the only friendship Breakup

51:15

that I've had that I like doubled

51:18

back . For Most of the time if I have a

51:20

friendship breakup I do not give a fuck , like

51:22

the queen of detachment , like there's a reason

51:25

. There's always a reason

51:27

and I've had situations where

51:29

I feel like I couldn't , I couldn't

51:31

do it and wait , I couldn't do it anymore

51:34

because I felt like someone

51:36

was constantly emotionally dumping and

51:38

I was like no , I can't , I can't

51:40

hold that . Another time

51:42

I had a friendship breakup because low key

51:44

. I think the person wasn't happy with themselves

51:46

, so

51:50

they would constantly put me down . And I was like you know what

51:52

? That's not my friend . So

51:55

I feel like you .

51:56

you just have to assess . I'm glad you recognize

51:58

that .

51:59

Yeah , Like it's

52:01

important to recognize stuff like that and I feel like that , quick

52:03

like I , I remember things

52:05

quick and

52:07

it's , you know , it's just like I

52:09

, that's not the energy I want to around me .

52:12

So anyway , I was also going to

52:14

say , um , not to cut you off , but we had technically two

52:16

friendship breakups Because

52:19

, yeah , remember the first time I had

52:21

to go find you because you went to Arkansas , so

52:23

technically like that wasn't your fault , yeah

52:26

, but I stalked you out . And

52:29

so the second time you actually did leave

52:31

me . I'm just yeah , I did .

52:33

Okay , I did

52:35

yeah , but

52:38

we've had a friendship longer than most marriages

52:40

, so so here

52:44

we are . Here

52:46

we are .

52:48

Oh man .

52:49

All right , that was a good segment

52:51

, so yeah

52:55

, so wrapping

52:58

up . Wrapping

53:00

it . Wrapping , okay

53:03

, I'm done , just annoyed

53:05

the fuck out of Okay

53:08

, I'm sorry you

53:13

got Damn . It's

53:17

literally every time , every

53:19

time . Was that a purpose or

53:21

was ?

53:21

that just bad timing .

53:23

What was happening

53:25

? Okay , oh , fuck it with you . I'm sorry , oh

53:30

, oh oh .

53:30

Oh , oh .

53:36

Oh , love you , love

53:39

you too . So

53:41

On to our mental

53:44

health tip of the week , which Didn't

53:49

really Plan this one out Particularly

53:52

, and I thought of something that I wanted

53:55

to use and I

53:57

completely blanked on it

53:59

, but maybe

54:01

it'll come back , unless

54:04

someone else has one .

54:07

I was going to

54:09

say for the mental health tip of the

54:11

week . Is

54:15

that a no , it was the arrow

54:17

. It was the

54:19

arrow for me .

54:21

I was hoping for something .

54:23

But the week let's go with ourselves

54:26

. Yeah , yes , and

54:29

it's like recognize when you

54:31

are feeling something Like and

54:34

sit in that emotion . It's okay , but

54:37

be able to key in on what you're feeling

54:39

. Yeah , take a moment

54:41

If you need a day

54:43

to just sit around and

54:46

chill . That's not you being

54:48

a bum , that's called self care

54:50

and I've been told that

54:52

several times Over

54:55

the past several months . I've been told

54:57

that I'm not going to be able to do that I'm

55:01

going to be a self

55:03

care .

55:03

You Amen , all right , all

55:06

right . Well

55:09

, thank you for tuning in . I hope you enjoyed this episode

55:11

. We hope you enjoyed this episode . It

55:14

was a little bit of a hot mess yeah . Shout

55:17

out for organic , unscripted

55:20

. But

55:22

yeah , if you enjoyed the episode , like

55:24

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55:54

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56:17

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56:22

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56:24

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56:26

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56:29

Please , all

56:31

right , thank y'all . We'll catch you on the

56:33

next episode .

56:35

This is .

56:37

Bye .