0:00

Hello hello hello. Hello! Now

0:04

went down from the high of

0:06

the two hundredth episode. Where back

0:08

What? we're back to get her

0:10

back to get high end. The

0:12

levels just keep on getting higher

0:14

and higher and higher and we're

0:16

back with another episode Guys both

0:18

him and O One Episode Two

0:20

I One welcome to the Receipts

0:22

podcast Asia Go saw the T

0:24

and just call me Audrey A.

0:31

Result was that sometimes we forget to

0:33

say I enjoy those I have to

0:35

measure was our intro i can't get

0:37

your name and get my diamonds So

0:39

the fabulous to be T just could

0:41

be Audrey and it's a special. A

0:43

very special guess. Now you know we

0:45

don't really have men on here the

0:47

often unless they have something amazing offer.

0:49

So we are so excited to be

0:51

joined by entrepreneur and dating X when

0:53

who Who? Sweet La. La la la. la

0:58

la la The author who I must

1:00

sites you. I think I have listened

1:02

to absolutely every podcast you have guessed

1:05

featured on and I'm like I had

1:07

your flower lost. It can be deadly

1:09

honest. I I find you say fascinating.

1:11

I think you also intelligent. And because

1:13

I've got a big thing about the

1:16

topic of love, I've always been obsessed

1:18

with the I've always loved the idea

1:20

of. The. Science behind did the math

1:22

behind it, the the social aspects behind it

1:24

and I think of Dead when it's talked

1:26

about. As a she is a woman it

1:28

feels like a city little thing. If.

1:31

Those quite simple as that really does care

1:33

about love. It is Pink and Wales and

1:35

I don't think it's that. I think it's

1:37

so fundamental to the pool of who we

1:39

all are, the how we all do things

1:41

I think like I like. I can.

1:43

I can make anything deep. I can make any

1:45

big deal to the fact the I was on

1:47

my way to the states today and like I'm

1:49

really fascinated by how we do our everyday life

1:51

and things that just happened in that is ready

1:53

for was i leave my house knowing that my

1:56

trains going to be there a much rain is

1:58

going to guy from one space when. And

2:00

then I'm going to go to this place, I'm going to be

2:02

a receptionist, they're going to let me in. And I'm like, those

2:04

are things that happen in our everyday. And to me, I was

2:06

like, that's that. I was like, that's love, because

2:09

I'm service by people every single

2:11

day. Yes, yes. This

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at visitwilliamsburg.com. One

2:40

is, there's so many things I can unpack on that. Please

2:42

do. One, let me tell you, it's a

2:44

huge honor to be here. Thank you for coming.

2:46

It really is. It's an honor to be here.

2:48

I know we had shot some messages. We have.

2:51

Around doing this for a while. Yes, we will

2:53

see. So

2:55

to be here is really, it's a blessing. Also

2:59

to be here, I know we're based here

3:01

in London, but what's interesting is that, I

3:03

think I feel like I've been here for

3:05

five years and I've done a whole

3:07

bunch of stuff, but rarely do I get

3:09

a chance to do it with black people. And

3:12

that's something that is special to me. So

3:16

that's appreciative. And

3:19

in terms of love, like, man,

3:21

people kill for love. You

3:24

know what I mean? People die willingly

3:26

for love. People move around

3:29

the world for love. People

3:34

make money or lose money as a result

3:36

of love. Love moves us. I think love

3:39

is fundamental to us being human

3:41

beings. And so to be able to talk

3:43

and unpack this, definitely let's do it. Like,

3:45

I'm so, so excited. So we act

3:47

as like agnionsis. Yes, we sure do.

3:49

Can I add agnionsis? People come to us. We

3:52

are our very own love experts. I

3:55

feel like we might lack empathy.

3:58

We might lack scientific data Sometimes. I

4:00

didn't either the years because of some of

4:02

the dynamics that we get on your receipt

4:05

or worse can it Can I Can I

4:07

hit you with the questions that really hurts

4:09

us. Oh yeah thing my so so as

4:11

a just posted this and I are upon

4:13

us to be really interesting question. So do

4:15

you believe isn't that Men. Should

4:17

always wear their wedding rings. Side.

4:21

Of. Things

4:27

are. Already

4:30

be ready They? yeah? why don't.

4:34

You know what? My. Initial instinct

4:36

ought to be yes, but then I

4:38

think with a pirate ways were mine.

4:41

So I thought the business. So.

4:43

I guess they were some mitigating circumstances where

4:45

you might not a what lisa would you

4:48

have to know where you were doing. What?

4:50

Why don't you? Were you? The I've never ever

4:52

Ever since I got engaged, I've never worn my

4:54

bring about the house. It was seen as

4:56

idea in i think of a good way some none I

4:58

don't wear in the gym. If I'm

5:00

nice a bunch of the shops or whatever and it's not

5:02

on. I went with on the by shops. Said.

5:05

His several occasions where I don't have the

5:07

on. Flights. More I think for

5:09

me some over protective staying over time thing

5:11

other than anything else does night. Like

5:13

zebra. Psychological reasons that I I don't

5:15

think. So. Yeah, it could be the same for

5:18

a man. Yeah, could be a lot of a

5:20

lot of people work with their hands right so

5:22

they don't want to. you know, bus stop, the

5:24

rain, or some people just don't like jewelry so

5:26

they won't wanna wear it. Yes, that's but I

5:28

think this is a massive debate the goes back

5:31

and forth with some people like you like. Definitely.

5:34

Rights to the new of others as a

5:36

whole. The for a second there could be

5:39

reasons and they also what does it mean

5:41

is a symbol? Yes as a symbol of

5:43

you were love. So that means that the

5:45

ring isn't your love you or your love.

5:48

So you don't need to have the ring

5:50

snow. For me personally, I have. of

5:53

iraq in this thing for twenty two yeah

5:55

yeah like i've never taken my ring on

5:57

yes but for me that's in a that

5:59

so an understanding, should I say, that my

6:01

wife and I have. But

6:03

I find it to be a really interesting debate because

6:05

some people just are like, no. Why

6:08

is it important to your wife that you wear it? You

6:10

know, it's not. It's important to me.

6:13

Yeah, for her, she takes her ring on and off,

6:15

especially in the house. She takes it on and off.

6:17

There was one time where she almost lost it. I

6:20

was like, oh my God, I gotta buy another one.

6:23

I was crying, not because she lost the

6:25

ring. For the money. For the money. No,

6:28

for real. Where am I gonna get

6:30

this money? Where am I gonna get this? But

6:32

yeah, so she'll take it on and off. But

6:34

for me, it is symbolic. So

6:38

it's just one of those things where, you

6:41

know, I've got a

6:43

necklace that I normally wear with my

6:45

boy's fingerprints. And that is

6:47

just symbolic of my bond with my boys,

6:49

my two boys. So there's certain things that

6:51

we do that are symbols, but

6:54

it doesn't mean it's the thing. And quite

6:56

honestly, these are all learned. Like

6:58

these are all put on us. It's really a script.

7:00

Should I say this has been put on us? Just

7:02

I don't think it's a symbol. I don't think I'd

7:04

require someone to wear it because it's like, oh, if

7:06

you don't love me, if you don't wear it. But

7:08

I feel like there should be a pride in wearing

7:10

it because it feels like you are part of this

7:12

group. Like I feel like, yeah,

7:14

you're a married man and here is reflection of it,

7:17

is you're wearing a ring to show that you are

7:19

a part of this group. Not that it's gonna mean

7:21

you're not gonna cheat or whatever, but I feel

7:23

like there's a pride to be like, I'm a married man. And

7:26

that's the pride you get to wear it. Yeah,

7:28

but that's your understanding. Those are your values

7:30

and your beliefs. And so your partner would

7:32

need to also have those. Have that, yeah,

7:34

yeah, yeah. You need to rock. That's why

7:36

values are so important. You need to rock

7:38

with somebody who sees life the

7:41

way that you see it. So I think this

7:43

is a great example because values to me is

7:45

like your rule book to life. Yeah. Right? And

7:47

if you don't live by the same rules that

7:49

I live by, how can we get down and

7:52

do life together? So that's why you need to

7:54

share the same values. Yeah.

7:56

I Mean, things like that, I can mould it already. I

7:58

Mean, it's not like the core values. But

8:01

I agreed and sensors that the has to

8:03

be whole bag. Yeah, we've all intimidated.

8:05

Do you think. Because. We get this

8:07

part a lot. Politics is a political value he

8:10

gets. I mean he likes of the indecisive a

8:12

political view the very different mates. I didn't a

8:14

patented it was evident of a. Perfect. Spot

8:16

Bless. You know Napot politics is big enough.

8:18

Oh, I was six. My wife and

8:20

I re one of the biggest matchmaking agencies

8:22

and in the Us are. We did for

8:25

about a decade and when we started

8:27

it was two thousand Eight. Two thousand Nine

8:29

is right around. When we started the movie

8:31

started, one of the golden rules on

8:33

a date was never talk about your politics

8:36

and talk about that hide that. We can't

8:38

do that now but you is like

8:40

why would you not you think about how

8:42

we used to date. Really, you

8:44

know what it was. Quite honestly I

8:47

we used to date was about how

8:49

you could perform and show up as

8:51

someone you're not. He was all again.

8:53

But now what I like you said

8:55

dating is much more authentic am and

8:57

you need to talk about your needs

8:59

are about the right out the gate.

9:01

A matter of fact, a lot of

9:04

the dating apps right? Full disclosure of

9:06

you know I'll get a Global Insights

9:08

Director for Tinder and one of those

9:10

popular things on our app is showing

9:12

what your values or what you stand.

9:14

From what causes you stand for is very

9:16

important. Yeah, I saw it. See the other

9:19

than some I'm basically said that. Asking.

9:21

Someone what they do or what they were

9:23

esi the plan is and if they want

9:25

children on a fast they seem. Intent or

9:28

Tennis. but I don't think I'd I

9:30

agree with that's I wouldn't rule it

9:32

out. Like I want to rule out

9:34

people best immediately when on the same wavelength

9:36

and us like. Those questions determine that at

9:38

those prices and Athena when it with you I

9:40

won't be cordless of the it for myself in

9:43

five years I would like to be blah blah

9:45

blah blah blah. Stay this I lied When when

9:47

the dates isn't and seventy like even imagine a

9:49

year you're lucky I just i feel like there's

9:51

something and sniffing A lot of women have been

9:53

told that. why does the they had a that

9:55

keep this in hindsight be less at it would

9:57

have yet been. A boy last month. The

10:00

much more I can't wait to patty

10:02

bomb as updates whether it be like

10:04

oh yes. Vivid colors, his games

10:06

I play if you want.

10:10

To say this is really important we're talking

10:12

about in terms of a lot of women

10:14

are told this yeah, we've done this and

10:16

that You know women. Literally

10:18

this is. this is a while to

10:20

think about. This is women. Just.

10:23

Started to have a little bit of

10:25

say in who they chose as a

10:27

partner. From. When. Verizon,

10:30

Nineteen Seventy Seven. Nineteen Seventy,

10:32

You think about that. My

10:35

grandmother, for example. Grew.

10:37

Up in the bush, The bush in

10:39

Jamaica yet rights. She had really know

10:41

say it was about family. It was

10:43

about what her father thought. It was

10:45

about what my grandfather who my grandfather

10:47

was choosing. Yeah it was just right.

10:50

Around the Nineteen seventies you had a

10:52

rise of feminism which was good at

10:54

the beginning of it. but then also

10:56

you had the pill. You have these

10:58

other things that started to liberate women.

11:00

Women had more choice. Yeah to think

11:02

about that. The seventies? That's my mother

11:04

dating right? So you could see how

11:06

now. A woman asserting ourselves is

11:09

still considered on the i don't know

11:11

it seems. You know as much as.

11:14

Yes, Is I think you spank him

11:16

again absence everything he did evidence that with

11:18

her and I think with my been of

11:20

the bottle and you are talking about even

11:22

said idea of body shapes how it's likes

11:24

women for example. By for my biggest like

11:26

that but with lox. A Why the fact that

11:28

those that there be more protect save and men see a

11:31

woman who advocates the when? When is it a that you

11:33

don't realize it by? Is this kind of like. Your.

11:35

Instincts are yeah, that's the tests and to is

11:38

a look man way. For you? Yes, we

11:40

we have a month week depending on

11:42

who you talk to. We've been human

11:44

beings. yeah, for millions or hundreds of

11:46

thousands of yeah yeah does difference. But

11:48

we've been here for a long weekend.

11:50

not a mates and a lot of

11:52

these behaviors and are traits today are

11:54

based on how we acted back in

11:56

the Serengeti. Why they were how we

11:58

act. It's just. Two. Generations

12:01

ago I can talk about

12:03

energetic intergenerational tramadol. The to

12:05

the Transatlantic slave trade has.

12:08

Really? Messed up the minds of

12:10

so many black people in the west

12:12

and is one of these things. We

12:15

have to understand that. Okay, These.

12:17

Things happened and as a result of

12:19

them happening? Is that the reason why

12:21

I do a it was at. The

12:23

reason why I do beats is at

12:25

the reason why I look at certain

12:27

body features for example, rights. We have

12:29

to understand that these things didn't just

12:31

happen. Yeah, there was a reason I

12:33

them happened. You think any of his

12:35

nature. Play any of the

12:38

candidates desirability politics about what we

12:40

find attractive. Is. Any of it

12:42

natural to us or visit. By.

12:44

Design Learned behavior. No no no to

12:46

the Devil is it's nature and nurture

12:49

is a good combination of it and

12:51

me. What One of my favorite researchers

12:53

on this is David Bus ah out

12:56

of Texas and he's read so many

12:58

a are phenomenal books where he is

13:00

an evolutionary psychologists so he's basically saying

13:02

okay based on how we would perform

13:05

physically, how we what what we would

13:07

think about in over the generations. how

13:09

do we show up today? He's the

13:12

Godfather, He's the oh gee of their.

13:14

Rights and if you read all of

13:16

his books in one of my favorite

13:19

bible is like is called Evolutionary Psychology

13:21

as shows how we are Nature. Slash.

13:24

Nurture And and there's a sliding

13:26

scale. We're not. We're. Not

13:28

one thing I think society has tried

13:30

to put us all in a box.

13:32

Say this is one thing you know

13:34

what of. I'm one bit of research

13:37

that I've seen lately that is blown

13:39

my mind. but his research. really. Sit

13:41

back and say okay. Is. The

13:43

whole have you not Do have to be Her by

13:45

the Kinsey scale. Nazism. Okay,

13:48

so. The. Kinsey Scale.

13:50

States. That. Every

13:52

one yet. Is. On

13:55

the scale of their sexuality.

13:58

attacking her so Very

14:00

few people are 100% straight. Right.

14:03

Okay. Very few people are 100% same sex. Yeah.

14:06

Yeah. Right. Most people

14:09

are within the scale. Right.

14:11

Okay. Now you try telling

14:13

a heterosexual man. What? No.

14:16

No. I don't know. Yeah.

14:20

Right. You try telling that, what do you think

14:22

he's going to say? Yeah. He'll be like, pfft.

14:25

Yeah. Bingo machine, I feel like I'm a fucking

14:27

such tank. I know. Let me test

14:29

this out. But when you sit

14:31

down, you look at the research, you see

14:33

the research over the years, you talk to

14:35

the psychologist. Literally, I was just hanging out

14:37

with Dr. Karen Gurney yesterday, who is one

14:39

of the, like, is phenomenal

14:41

in this topic. And you sit back and say,

14:43

wow, we're not one thing.

14:45

Gender, subscribe to us. Like,

14:47

it's a social construct. You

14:50

know what I mean? And so we have to,

14:52

so when you go back to the nature nurture,

14:54

you have to realize that, you know, there's bits

14:56

of both. But the, the, the,

14:58

the, should I say the

15:00

nurture that we have right now is a script.

15:03

We're given a script. You know, I see this

15:05

with with black people all the time. Like, when I

15:07

got to the UK, everyone

15:11

talks about how racist the US is.

15:13

Yeah. No, I was like, man,

15:16

you haven't spent time with people. Yeah. Because

15:19

because you all do it at a whole

15:21

nother level. Yeah, it's not overt. It's very

15:23

covert. It's very covert. It's very underlining. Sometimes

15:25

you question yourself, it's like, right. Yeah. It's

15:27

very gaslight. Yeah. I

15:30

messed up. I'm sorry. I mixed

15:32

that. I'm like, hey, absolutely. It's so

15:34

nuanced. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I did

15:36

TV in the US, but it wasn't

15:38

until I did TV in the UK

15:41

that I started to see how racism

15:45

or the intersectionality between

15:48

race and, I'll

15:51

even say like manhood, for

15:53

example, how, how, how it

15:55

started to play. So I would

15:58

get on TV and I would see people, they would. openly

16:00

joke, oh, okay, yeah, yeah,

16:03

you're a black man, so you must have a

16:05

large penis. I'm sorry, on that point, there was

16:07

someone on the news the other day of this

16:10

man, this is, this is, go to your

16:12

kids. I think he was doing an interview, and it was like

16:14

the man of the largest penis in the world, in

16:16

the UK, whatever. So I had an

16:18

image of who I thought I was going to see.

16:21

And I came up with my scene, and it was a black man. I

16:24

came up with my scene. It was, it was. And

16:26

then they panicked, and he knocked out my face. And

16:28

I was like, I'm not going to be a black

16:30

man. I was like, no, I'm going to be a

16:32

white man. So he was like, take no way, show

16:35

them. They're trying to transcend the narrative. No, no, you

16:37

can't have that one. We can't have it. No, the

16:39

blacks have that one. And

16:41

please don't let us have penis size. Damn, man.

16:44

They know that. I was sure it was going to be

16:46

a black man. I was so surprised. See, it

16:49

is, it is, it is a script

16:51

that's handed to us. You know what I mean? And you

16:54

think like, okay, where does that script come up? A lot

16:56

of it is porn. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

16:59

I mean, you know, so I'm

17:01

saying all this to say that we have

17:03

to always step back and say, okay, maybe

17:06

it could be a white man with the largest penis in

17:08

the world. Yeah. I'll show it to

17:10

him. Audrey, you would never accept me. How about

17:12

you? You know, well, as I've gotten older, nothing

17:14

surprises me anymore. Everything surprises me. I cannot say

17:16

still very much. Nothing is the best thing. You

17:18

said something about in the West of black people.

17:20

And I think it's really interesting because I think

17:23

often in the West, there's like conversations about, you know,

17:25

black men not being desirable or not being dated and

17:28

blah, blah, blah, blah. And I think black

17:30

women in the West, when we have that conversation, we're like, this

17:32

is not an overall fact. If

17:35

I go back to Nigeria, I'm highly desirable. And

17:37

it's sometimes it's like, you're not ugly. You're just

17:39

not home. Yeah, you're right. Your beauty is not

17:41

something that's ascribed to here. I'm not home. So

17:43

of course, I'm seen as less desirable in this

17:45

country than I would be in another country. And

17:47

even when we talk about like, are men any

17:50

day in mixed sex women or black women or

17:52

white women, or this is black men, for example.

17:54

Are you looking to your family? Is

17:57

that true? I guess

17:59

I think of all the men. Do you go To. Within your

18:01

family is actually or was it maximum Marion

18:03

Bucky Brooks, we got back times you punch

18:05

me, is such a such as think? It's

18:08

very important to be like is a kiss of where we

18:10

are. It's not an actual facts. A

18:12

bubble is the amid. Absolutely

18:14

yeah and I in a end I saw

18:16

it with my grandfather by so my grandfather

18:19

from Jamaica he was part of the when

18:21

rushed to lessen so he came over here

18:23

in like the late nineteen forties and when

18:25

I realize what was happening because after you

18:28

my I had sit back and say what

18:30

happened to him and his friends yeah. She.

18:32

Came to England. The.

18:34

Only way that he could truly assimilate

18:37

was he had to be part of

18:39

the culture the with the best way

18:41

of assimilation was to have a white,

18:43

a white woman, rights and air not

18:46

only have a white woman but then

18:48

to have a mix restaurant that he

18:50

had a mixed race child's tease out.

18:52

Further integrating, never would he be treated.

18:55

As. A the same boat as humans

18:57

but at least now she gets a

18:59

little bit more. This was said in

19:02

this was set in snow. This.

19:06

Has this is why say goes back to like.

19:08

I. Think that that the trauma

19:10

placed on on on. Black.

19:13

People. Around the world. Is

19:15

unprecedented s and I know some people back

19:17

also of what about this group what about

19:20

this group no logic and him and weights

19:22

but but much less I please were out

19:24

but our group the is it the trauma

19:26

placed on us. Is. Unprecedented in

19:28

we Still live it every moment of

19:31

and I'd say is I'm a bit

19:33

shaken. The but I think size is a

19:35

job but that is within a state like.

19:38

Is it would say well done that is that

19:40

it's access to This day it was good to

19:42

hear like. As in Spain the in

19:44

that you think oh. Wow what a my

19:46

mother with my mom went. Into effect she

19:48

somehow in your thinking. Somehow. But

19:51

you know what we need to come

19:53

out with. Desirability. The I've never Like

19:55

has a problem with each racial group.

19:58

Had a slice in their women. I think that. You

20:00

should save for me the is she wasn't

20:02

that white women with a standard to be

20:04

hips. I think they should be nice to

20:06

the I just as they say like they

20:08

should be decided to be school where you're

20:10

from Technically I think the problem the I

20:13

I have is that we haven't even been

20:15

seen as decided to be within our own

20:17

voiceover. You. Guess. Is that the Saturday to

20:19

the point? Of course I packages. Last. Minute

20:21

been sold. As anyways was

20:23

considered his condition and I think the

20:25

messaging is what. Is. What this

20:28

is. Why wait way, we are where we are

20:30

now. And I mean. Because. Even the yeah we look

20:32

around us that when you actually on package or less everyone around

20:34

me is my of. It's a black woman like

20:36

stuff and women are be as they are

20:38

be in love but the messaging is very

20:40

specific about the I see the Us and

20:42

sense to the I mean there's a reason

20:44

why certain football is his wives look a

20:47

certain way get the attention of because there's

20:49

loads of football is that the have that

20:51

was just don't need any Why to be

20:53

see them the road not see them right

20:55

and also to is that we we we

20:57

know that no one is monolithic so black

20:59

it you know like I think about my

21:01

wife my friends who are black or have

21:03

black lives black girl friend growing. Up I

21:06

was I was like molecular my my

21:08

my Grandma like the I was like

21:10

might like my auntie has been was.

21:12

So I think that we have to

21:14

realize that it's not all. It's.

21:16

A percentage him and sees it

21:18

a greater percentage in the Uk.

21:20

It's it's that. I mean if

21:22

you look at the prison the

21:24

numbers of in a racial. Marriages,

21:27

Were interracial dating one a percentage

21:30

basis is higher in the

21:32

Uk. Thing is because this is.

21:35

The. Beginning of lose. Too

21:38

much relief. This is the beginning of

21:40

it. So in the states the numbers

21:42

are bigger, so you're going to have

21:44

more numbers of what I call Black

21:46

Pride, Muslims and in so. Yes,

21:49

it feals it into a depth you know here

21:51

is interesting to is that like when i got

21:53

year or remember i was doing this tv show

21:55

was talking and is guides and i was like

21:57

as and i moved away and i said oh

21:59

yes to his I need to find somebody black and they're like,

22:01

no, no, no, he's not like he's mixed race To

22:10

bring it back now It's

22:12

revisionist history like it's never really been a

22:14

thing here like mixed people have always identified

22:17

as mixed But like it's fun like this

22:19

is an adult from my experience. They always

22:21

have I don't remember Mixed

22:23

race people identifying as black when I was quite

22:26

Yeah, they always have their own and

22:29

once again, that's part of that script,

22:31

you know here I notice like the

22:33

nuances is it's also it always feeds

22:35

in the class Class

22:38

is so pervasive. Yeah, very much So

22:40

even to the point where I think

22:42

that class and and I guess accent

22:44

is built in the class Yeah, is

22:46

that is one of the number one

22:49

criteria for discrimination in dating? And

22:51

I've seen this I want to do a

22:53

study on this where I believe that people

22:55

are Actively looking for

22:57

someone that they believe is their class

23:01

Right, and it's one of those where yeah,

23:03

it's like it's only here because in the

23:05

US Sure, we have class,

23:08

but it's more so about socio-economic

23:13

I get the class thing cuz I remember dating

23:15

someone he's black guy, but he's finally really well

23:17

off. Mm-hmm and instantly I thought oh my god,

23:19

it's not where my mum meets his family I

23:22

had a feeling because I'm working class and I thought

23:25

they're gonna judge my family I mean, I'm like I'm

23:27

looking for somebody who's also been brought up All

23:29

like there is no one's looking Where

23:33

we are is all kind of a cool we're all in

23:35

the same group Yes, which is which

23:37

I didn't think I'd ever think of my thinking about Oh

23:39

my god, it is family. They couldn't see yeah Yeah,

23:46

I think here it's class and even like

23:48

if you break it down even further the

23:50

division is more I feel like in America.

23:53

I had no idea that there

23:55

was like this huge disparity between

23:57

African Americans and Africans Like I

23:59

genuinely Indeed Atlanta in the last four

24:01

years. If I had no idea where

24:03

was here it does that. The fight

24:05

is kind of move between with wait

24:07

between Africans and Caribbean job but even

24:09

in the states I think it's it's

24:11

it's ah African Americans and then every

24:13

all other immigrants by I had my

24:16

family's Jamaica and so broad so I

24:18

was born in New York's and born

24:20

in Jamaica Queens by it's a where

24:22

I was War was like little Jamaica

24:24

but in New York last so we

24:26

were literally I was told like by

24:28

my room parents mama I. You bed

24:30

and. Like you better

24:32

linden as I look the same game. That's

24:34

why you say no, no, no, you're you're

24:37

better than them and my African brothers like

24:39

you're not a lot of as a junior

24:41

like. Year. We're. Better than.

24:45

A month's xenophobia that

24:47

you're not one that

24:49

they can kinda. Like

24:52

mess in this have to decide to the

24:54

a. Methodist. The And expectations

24:57

except for me, the other kids might not.

25:00

And I think that he said it was so. Happy and vandalized.

25:02

Making it's you are an African dogs

25:04

and behave as that. Yes, I don't

25:06

even know what she thought might yell

25:08

at me and what that was yet.

25:11

To actually be the into the spot the

25:13

wet suits you about like that greets or

25:15

that's I let me to be. For a

25:17

big, the big for the big meal the a big the

25:19

end up as a with i haven't said it's okay and.

25:21

One of the big three's is the number

25:23

one pick me is. When. Said

25:26

leave. Me have may have I

25:28

limit the be the be lights I've been

25:30

with assassin this man of years. While I

25:32

feel like just ah, I don't know any

25:34

more than an hour at an item. happy

25:36

and I think he will podcast Recently I

25:38

thought about. This idea of like. Always.

25:41

Wanting to been a honeymoon stage and not coming up

25:43

the next to the be hot and no one actually

25:45

get past that number. t. Begin. With him by another

25:48

someone in the morning? You guys. And where our

25:50

generation of their like when not that I'm parents

25:52

were not really seen. Forty. A relationship

25:54

anymore and again we are generation Apple has

25:56

been Saudi should not have somewhere. Nice.

25:59

And. taking that philosophy

26:01

into relationship. So when

26:04

to leave and when to stay, like as in should you

26:06

all agree that I take all I'm done? Yeah,

26:09

I mean great question, big question. A

26:12

matter of fact, I'm actually writing something on. Oh, are you?

26:15

Yeah, what's the visa to come up with? Give us a

26:17

please. We

26:20

could talk about this for hours. But

26:22

the number one

26:24

determinant though, if you look at,

26:26

so let's start looking at this

26:29

satisfaction in relationships, right? To

26:31

be satisfied in a relationship, and this is some

26:33

data that I found from my first book, is

26:35

that you have to, like values

26:38

is important, sexual compatibility is important to

26:40

have, you know, shared vision in life,

26:42

all those things are important. But the

26:45

most important that we don't talk about

26:47

is our well being before

26:50

we enter the relationship. Right. Now

26:52

think about how important this is.

26:55

Most of us have low well being.

26:58

Most of us. It is sad. Like we

27:00

show up on the grim in a certain

27:02

way, we get dressed in a certain way,

27:04

try to smell good in a certain way.

27:07

But most of us have low well being.

27:09

And we could talk about what that means

27:11

in detail. But for the most part, we

27:13

have low well being. Now think about this,

27:16

you have low well being, then you

27:18

get into a relationship. And you do

27:21

enter what's called the honeymoon phase. The

27:23

honeymoon phase lasts on average between six

27:25

months and two years. That's research. And

27:27

in that honeymoon phase, and the best

27:29

research on this is a friend and

27:31

mentor of mine, Dr. Helen Fisher, who

27:34

has done she's really one

27:36

of the people who coined this phrase. And she's

27:38

the person who's done all the MRI research to

27:40

show that when you feel like you are madly

27:43

in love, everything's good.

27:45

Isn't it good? Good.

27:49

Like even the gloomy days. I

27:51

feel like when I'm in love, I

27:53

even work better. Yeah, I think

27:55

everyone motivated. Yeah, exactly. I'm like, I can't

27:58

let them down, man. They can't I'm

28:00

a lazy bitch. I need to get up and I need

28:02

to get this money here. I need this

28:04

money for now. I've

28:07

been cooking things. What can I do? Like, mum teach

28:09

me how to make this old fashioned things like this

28:11

show off. Yes. Yes.

28:14

It's bliss. It's bliss. Until

28:16

the honeymoon phase. I know you

28:19

hate that man. I'm so

28:21

bummed. I'm

28:23

so bummed. Where's the

28:26

icing? Oh

28:29

my God. This is exactly what happened.

28:31

Yes. But the question is, why does

28:33

that happen? It happens

28:35

because it was ultimately about

28:38

your well-being to begin with. So

28:42

the happier you are. So

28:44

say you go in and your well-being is

28:47

on a high. Does that mean your honeymoon period is

28:49

going to last closer to the two years? If

28:54

your well-being is on a high when you enter, lots

28:57

of things happen. But namely, it means

28:59

that your partner will also have high

29:01

well-being. And that means you're

29:03

going to have a higher satisfactory relationship.

29:05

And that honeymoon phase may never end

29:08

for you. I'll give you

29:10

an example. If your well-being is

29:12

low, who do you think are

29:14

the people that want to be in your life? The

29:17

narcissist, the psychopaths, the

29:19

sadist, all of those, what

29:21

you know, Dr. Bus calls

29:23

the dark either

29:25

triad or tetrad, depending

29:27

on who. I mean,

29:29

because really it's a

29:31

dark tetrad, sadist, Machiavellian,

29:33

psychopath and narcissist. Those

29:35

are the people who

29:37

most want low well-being.

29:40

Why? Because they can control you easily.

29:42

So you could see where if you

29:44

have high well-being, it's a defense against

29:46

all the toxicity, all the BS. And

29:49

then you're in a relationship with someone with

29:51

high well-being, you're able to resolve your problems.

29:53

But most importantly, you are

29:55

able to resolve your

29:57

problems because in a relationship. It's

30:00

about interdependence. When you have low

30:02

well-being, you depend on your partner.

30:04

Like you're saying, I work for

30:06

you. I'll make this money for

30:09

you. I go to the gym for you, right?

30:11

But when you are interdependent, you have high well-being,

30:13

you're like, no, no, you know what? I

30:15

do this for me and you. I

30:17

do this for us. And I'm good all alone.

30:19

I can fix my problems all alone. I don't

30:22

need you, I want you. You

30:25

know, it's different. And so

30:27

therefore, well-being is everything. That's

30:29

what I'm hoping that in

30:31

that first book, because I'm

30:33

writing a couple, in my

30:36

first book, the push is

30:38

like, we need to focus on our well-being.

30:40

And in the first book, I even, and

30:42

the first book's for everybody, but I say, not only do

30:44

we all need to focus on our well-being, but you know

30:46

who doubly needs to focus on our

30:48

well-being? Men. Black

30:50

women. Yeah, I'll say women.

30:53

Black women. And why do I say that?

30:55

You know why I say that? Because when

30:58

you look at some, when you

31:00

look at the proliferation of diseases

31:02

out here, look at autoimmune disease.

31:04

Autoimmune disease disproportionately impacts

31:07

women, but disproportionately impacts

31:10

black women. Why is

31:12

that? Because I think black women

31:14

have been the stress sponges of

31:17

the world. You know what I mean? And

31:19

so your well-being is everything, which is why

31:21

I say like the best allyship that everybody

31:24

can do is we need to lift you

31:26

up. Like we need to lift, and it's

31:28

funny because also in the UK versus the

31:30

US, it's like in the UK, it's like,

31:32

well, just don't say black, just say women.

31:34

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you lift up? Or

31:36

I noticed a lot of people say black

31:39

women. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like they're whispering. No, no,

31:41

no. We need to lift up black women. And

31:43

that's not saying that we're not lifting up

31:46

other women. That's just saying, no, no, no.

31:48

We need to lift up black women. This

31:50

is incredibly important as a society. So

31:53

yes, it all goes back to well-being.

31:55

Okay, so I hear what you're saying, but it

31:57

sounds very much like this is obviously. reducing

32:00

what you just said a lot. But

32:02

like, oh, love yourself. And then like a lot

32:04

of advice has given to like, people who

32:06

look in for a relationship who are single, it's like,

32:08

once you love yourself, the right person will come or

32:11

just love yourself, blah, blah, blah, blah. And I forget

32:13

it repeatedly. And honestly, Paul, you couldn't

32:15

find someone that loves me. I

32:19

have done I'm so actively

32:21

doing the work. I was I was not even

32:23

a case of I've done the work, I do

32:25

the work like every single day. And I think

32:27

so. You've got to a place your well being

32:30

is good, it's high. But you're still you're still

32:32

not attracting what you need to attract, or it's

32:34

not coming your way. Then what

32:36

then what do you do? Well, one is

32:38

I think really evaluate the well being part.

32:40

I'm not saying you for everyone. Because I

32:42

often hear that too. People are like, Oh,

32:44

yeah, I love myself. I said, Well, tell

32:46

me about it. What do you actively do?

32:48

What leads me to believe

32:51

that you love yourself? I buy clothes. Exactly.

32:53

I work out like the

32:59

big thing on on

33:02

one of these shows I do. Merit

33:04

at first sight is man, I'm gonna

33:06

tell you what this this series is

33:08

wild. We cannot wait. This series is

33:10

wild. And one of the interview questions

33:12

is okay, tell me about what you

33:14

do. Like tell me in terms of

33:16

because you know, I want to understand

33:18

about how you self love. And almost

33:20

all the time, the line is, I

33:22

go to the gym. I

33:25

work out. I think it's because people have

33:27

told you that it worked. It's going to

33:29

the gym really, releases these endorphins

33:31

that help your mental. Yeah, I think that

33:33

people think that they're working out on their

33:35

physical, but it's also helping their

33:38

mental. Yeah, I think it sounds like such

33:40

a good answer. Yes, it sounds like. And

33:42

then when you really unpack it, you realize,

33:44

oh, no, you're just working

33:46

out to look good for

33:48

external validation. So in other words, you

33:50

have low self esteem because that's what

33:53

low self esteem is when you're constantly

33:55

seeking external validation. I don't work at

33:57

the filter. I'm

34:00

gonna call my wife out too. My wife, she does yoga and

34:02

she does squats. My

34:19

heart is a mess. My breathing is down the drain.

34:26

I can't even walk around the block. I'll

34:28

be out of breath. Oh

34:38

my God. Wellbeing is it. And

34:40

most of us, it's about something

34:42

else. But what is wellbeing? Alright,

34:44

so this is super nerdy. This

34:46

is important. One of my favorite

34:48

people in the world. Her name is Dr. Carol

34:52

Ref. She's the

34:54

OG of wellbeing. And she

34:56

came up with what was called in the

34:58

1980s, the six

35:01

dimensions of psychological wellbeing.

35:03

Six dimensions. So there's six categories.

35:05

And what she says, remember, she's

35:08

the foremost expert in wellbeing in

35:10

the world. And she

35:12

says that if you are on

35:14

the pathway moving forward in each

35:17

of the six categories, you have

35:19

high wellbeing. If

35:21

you're not moving forward in all six, it could

35:23

be five, it could be four. You

35:26

don't have high wellbeing. Do you know what the categories are? Okay.

35:33

So in no particular order, one

35:35

is self-development. Okay.

35:37

So are you actively, actually this is good.

35:40

I already know. I'm not doing this. Friendly

35:47

quiz. Okay. So one

35:49

is self-development. Okay. But

35:51

self-development means that you

35:53

are actively pursuing or

35:55

developing a new skill.

36:00

Okay. Are you actively or pursuing

36:02

a new skill? I

36:04

commonly am. I want to. I've

36:06

like find up to do a 10 K and I'm

36:08

going to train towards it. Have you started

36:10

training? Yes. Okay. Yeah. But

36:13

you want to. I

36:15

want to do something. I just haven't done it yet.

36:17

I haven't. Yeah. The

36:19

intention is there. So, so here's what's, what's

36:21

beautiful about the six dimensions is that when

36:24

you know the six dimensions, you now know,

36:26

okay, I need to put myself on the

36:28

path. Okay. Actually I'm doing my comedy

36:30

show. Yeah. Okay. So this is a new,

36:32

this is a new venture for me. Yeah.

36:35

All right. So are

36:37

you developing a new skill? Because

36:40

it could be because, all right. Number two is,

36:43

and this is where maybe the comedy show fits in. Number two

36:45

is that you have goals, personal goals,

36:47

right? That you've identified

36:49

that you are actively moving forward towards. All

36:51

right. So that's goals. And I'm sure you

36:54

two are very ambitious. I'm sure you've got

36:56

lots of goals, but the

36:58

self-development means that you are

37:00

developing a new skill. Okay.

37:03

So that's, those are two. Three is, do

37:08

you have strong relationships

37:11

with a social circle? It

37:14

could be family. It could be

37:16

friends. And it means that you're

37:18

actively investing in it. So

37:21

with friends, family, you're calling, you're

37:23

checking in, you know, you're doing

37:25

activities with them. But

37:27

you're actively doing that. Many women

37:29

do this. Men don't. Right.

37:32

I talk a lot about 3 AM friends. The

37:34

number of friends that you could call at

37:36

3 AM who would drop everything to come

37:38

check you, see if you're okay. Women on

37:40

average in the UK, three to five, men,

37:43

zero. Not one. So

37:47

I often tell my fellows, I'm like, look,

37:49

invest in your, your brotherhood.

37:51

You know, so that's three is,

37:53

is, is relationship. Right. Four

37:56

is autonomy. Now

37:58

people define autonomy. differently, but

38:01

how Carol Riff defines autonomy

38:03

is that you don't allow

38:05

the world, the external

38:07

world, to dictate what you do.

38:12

I like to say I do what I do.

38:14

I'm a work in progress with that one. Yeah,

38:16

definitely. Okay. I think it's

38:19

lovely to say that, but especially

38:21

as a black woman who, let's say you're a

38:23

religious black woman, you're a black woman who's got

38:25

some kind of culture behind you, so there's a

38:28

thing of not letting down, not being seen a

38:30

certain way, if you've been raised as a good

38:32

girl, that's hard. Yeah,

38:34

it's hard. And you know what, you bring

38:36

up a brilliant point because in

38:38

Carol Riff's research, she shows that autonomy

38:41

changes depending on culture, and it depends

38:43

on where you are in the world.

38:45

Like in the eastern part of the

38:48

world, there's more emphasis

38:50

put on camaraderie. And

38:52

so therefore, you should be less

38:54

autonomous there to have higher well-being.

38:56

But in the West, the West

38:59

is built on being an individual.

39:01

So to operate with high well-being in

39:03

the West, it is about autonomy. So

39:05

the question is, okay, do you feel

39:08

like you can operate without being dictated?

39:11

And therefore, you're operating from your free will.

39:14

And that's important. That's incredibly important.

39:16

And you're right, most of us

39:18

don't. And a lot of women

39:20

in the West don't. So

39:23

that's four, right? It's autonomy.

39:26

Five is something called environmental mastery.

39:29

Environmental mastery means that when you come to

39:31

work, when you come to set, or

39:34

when you're at home, do you

39:36

feel as if the environment is

39:38

conducive to your best self? So

39:41

for example, when my wife and I were doing this, because

39:43

we do all these assessments together, is we

39:45

were like, our

39:47

home is not as organized as it needs to be.

39:49

If it was more organized, because we got two kids,

39:52

we got all this, we got a dog, we got

39:54

it. If it was more organized, we would be able

39:56

to live a better life. So therefore,

39:58

we scored low in So you have

40:00

to ask yourself, okay, do you feel

40:02

good? Like when you go home in

40:04

your bedroom, does it not? Does

40:07

your kitchen feel good? When

40:10

you come to work, like this set is popping, I

40:12

like it. But where you're like, I don't know about

40:14

this. So your environment, that's very

40:16

important, that's five. And then

40:18

six, last but not least, is

40:20

called self-acceptance. This

40:22

is so important. That's what I said.

40:25

Last but not least, self-acceptance is more

40:27

than self-love. Self-acceptance

40:31

means that you know the demons. You

40:34

know all the things that you wish and

40:36

you could have done and that you want to do, but

40:39

you're still okay. Like you're still okay.

40:41

Yeah, I think so. I really accept

40:43

my flaws. Like I

40:46

know I'm a very flawed person,

40:48

but it's like I accept them, but I

40:50

still try to work on it. Because

40:52

I feel like sometimes you can accept something and then just rest

40:54

in it, being like, well, I accept it. It's who I am.

40:57

You can acknowledge something and still try to do

40:59

better. So I know my flaws, I know I'm

41:02

flawed, and I feel like I do try to

41:04

fix them and do better acknowledging

41:07

what they are. This self-acceptance,

41:09

consider regret. If

41:12

you have a version of regret or should or would occur to

41:14

I wish I did this, is that if

41:17

you accepted? No, you haven't. Yeah. Because

41:19

if you're still holding that, then

41:22

you haven't. Because I think I still

41:24

have a sense of regret. And it's not even that

41:26

regret, a certain situation or things that have happened. It's

41:29

more of, I often think about

41:31

my younger self. And I think,

41:33

oh, me now wouldn't do that to you. And

41:35

I get really upset that me then did that to

41:37

you. Okay. So

41:40

self-acceptance would be saying, you know what? I'm

41:43

okay. I know

41:46

that it didn't go down the way I wanted it to

41:48

go down, but I'm okay with the fact

41:50

that it happened. And maybe here's the

41:52

lesson. Maybe the lesson today is

41:55

that I won't do that or I'll

41:57

do it differently. But I'm okay that

41:59

that happened. I'm not only am I

42:01

okay, I'm almost proud that that happened. It's

42:04

the same thing when getting back to even,

42:07

we got on this loop around when

42:09

you choose to leave a partner. Yeah.

42:11

Because what often happens is that when

42:13

you leave a partner and you

42:16

are, and maybe it

42:18

was a terrible situation, terrible, like

42:20

terrible, but you're still

42:22

okay with what has happened in

42:25

that relationship. You still learn from

42:27

that relationship. If it's

42:29

okay, that's acceptance. It

42:32

could have been terrible, but if

42:34

there's some bit of, as a

42:36

result of that happening, I am a

42:38

better human being, then

42:40

that's acceptance. And

42:43

that means that you have fully let go, because

42:46

most of us break up and never let

42:48

go. Some of us are still playing out

42:50

the first love or the second love of

42:52

our life, or the third or the fourth

42:54

or the whatever. But

42:56

the only reason why that plays out

42:58

is because you weren't

43:01

okay with what happened. There

43:04

is unfinished business, et cetera. But you

43:06

can only finish that business. How

43:10

do you finish that business? Because we

43:12

had Winston Drukon, and he was talking

43:14

about this idea of like, you

43:16

still have an energy connection. You're not

43:18

together anymore if you somehow still keep in

43:20

touch. That leads us to

43:23

my question of how to break up. Is it

43:25

cold turkey? We never talk again, because if we

43:27

do this, whenever there's energy transaction that we still

43:29

give, or is it like, what's the

43:31

best thing to actually do when it's done? People

43:34

are now doing that break up ceremonies. I heard this thing in

43:36

the past. Divorce parties.

43:38

The Becca ceremony was that the couple went to

43:41

her backyard and they put all the things, reminded

43:43

them of their relationship, burnt it and then hugged

43:45

it at the end. I think they're still keeping energy off of that.

43:48

I was like, you're part of a good term, but

43:50

I'm not a concert guy. I've never had that kind

43:52

of break up. I've

43:54

never had the break up that's like, yeah. Yeah,

43:56

well, we can both say what we had with like,

43:58

goodbye. good life. It's

44:00

always, I wish you nothing. I feel like if you have

44:02

that, the feelings weren't that strong. Yeah,

44:04

if you could just... Yeah, I really really think that

44:07

because sometimes I'm the kind of

44:11

person I project how I handle

44:13

things onto the other person. So I

44:15

feel like, okay, so I went for a

44:17

separation with my husband. We've been together for a really

44:20

long time since 2010. We split up in 2020

44:25

during the lockdown and like,

44:29

we're back together and we figure it out.

44:32

We've been married for

44:34

some years. No, no, no, it often, it

44:36

actually often happens when there's a real connection

44:38

to begin with. Yeah, that's

44:40

the connection. And by the way,

44:42

then it typically, the separation rates

44:45

are much lower. Typically you

44:47

stay together. That's what I figured. I had

44:49

a feeling because now I'm back in it.

44:51

And so I've just completely strayed from what

44:53

I was going to say, but now I'm

44:55

back in it. I'm so determined now, to

44:58

the point where sometimes I

45:01

don't even say how I feel about things, because

45:03

I'm like, no, this has got a wet end. We've

45:05

had a daughter now. So I don't know if it's

45:07

for her or for the sake of the marriage. And

45:10

I try to separate things as well. Because I'm like,

45:12

no, this has to be about the marriage and not

45:14

because we have a child. Because I

45:16

don't want it to be one of

45:18

those marriages where our sole focus of

45:20

happiness is our daughter. I also want

45:22

us to be happy. And he's very

45:24

much the same. But before,

45:26

I guess before we

45:29

broke up, I didn't really care. But

45:32

now I'm like, no, we have to figure

45:34

this out. And I'm really very

45:36

determined to make it work. It's a

45:39

determination that I wasn't there before. But

45:41

what I was saying before about projection

45:43

is I was feeling things.

45:46

And then seeing him live his

45:49

best life or just acting normal. And I'm like,

45:51

well, you must not have cared. Because

45:54

I'm over here feeling really heavy. And you

45:56

don't seem like you feel heavy. So

45:58

is that an equal exception? Range

46:00

of energy then rife with me in

46:02

that circumstance. you said? Acting.

46:04

Like so maybe he was doing

46:06

precisely that, acting like and it was

46:08

a cover up. Fool Were internal feelings

46:11

because of there's a me? The so

46:13

many dynamic is never a yes and

46:15

no. He goes back to context culturally

46:18

right. How like does he a

46:20

moat. You. Know a lot of men. Would

46:23

never taught to a moat and

46:25

it was taught that you are

46:27

not masculine if you a move

46:29

so. If. You broke up. The

46:31

idea would never be to cry ever or

46:33

to never looked sad ever was. I've got

46:35

a show that I'm do a live in

46:38

my best like Lucas. that's what a

46:40

man does but we have been misled and

46:42

and in in in led astray. You know

46:44

on that So that's why it always depends

46:46

on context. But one thing I do want

46:49

to say is that is interesting is I'm

46:51

I do believe that our body never to

46:53

or body rarely loss. Of and

46:56

I was you. Their body so much

46:58

more than our words. And when you

47:00

were talking about. Your.

47:03

Relationship with your husband. And.

47:05

Wanting to make it work? I. Saw your

47:07

entire. Body. Shoes and

47:09

some someone who who who

47:11

council's is? I pay attention.

47:13

New. People's. Body you

47:16

typically more than the words ago.

47:18

We say that that context is

47:20

always more important in the Continent,

47:22

even in a relationship. And.

47:25

You are entire context.

47:28

Changed. When. You were talking

47:30

about wanting to make it work so I

47:32

know in earnest you want to make his

47:34

work like this is. this is something as

47:36

near and dear to your heart. Yeah, yeah.

47:39

Yeah that's yeah my that site as they

47:41

love this that he was seen like this

47:43

saga you know. I'm

47:47

at a similar way as the lady I

47:49

do. You have very passionately about it yet

47:51

especially about their separating the happiness the other

47:53

will bring them the happiness that would bring

47:55

each other because right now to studies have

47:58

a month also by still greedy and. honeymoon

48:00

phase with her. Yes. And I

48:03

make a conscious effort to make sure

48:05

that we don't lose ourselves in that because she's

48:07

going to get older and naturally like the novel

48:09

he's going to wear off of having a new

48:11

child and I want it to be, you know,

48:14

us to be good. So

48:16

one of the most controversial things I think

48:19

I've ever posted because I try not to

48:21

go crazy. Yeah. But was when

48:24

I said, uh, I, I,

48:26

I, uh,

48:28

I said, uh, I put my wife before

48:30

my kids, something along those lines. Yeah. And

48:32

it was like, Oh, what are you talking

48:35

about? Are you crazy? Like, no, I'm not.

48:37

It's like that question where they say who

48:39

comes first, your husband, your kids

48:41

or your sometimes they, why do they bring the

48:43

mother in your own? Yeah. Yeah. The mother line.

48:45

You can get, you can sit at the front.

48:48

I'm like, please like, come on. Yeah. But

48:51

it's about what it is. It's

48:53

about prioritizing the foundation that

48:56

your child then grows from

48:59

because the best gift we can

49:01

give our children is our wellbeing.

49:03

That's literally the best gift. And

49:05

if you're in a disgruntled situation

49:07

that you choose to stay in,

49:09

your wellbeing is low and you're passing

49:12

that on. You know, our children learn

49:14

from what they see us do. Yeah,

49:16

absolutely. You know, so that's, yeah, that's

49:18

the reason why. You know what? Thinking about

49:20

children in relationships and things like that. Oh, we

49:22

have often getting over that. There are more people

49:24

using people's past trauma, so upbringing or whatever, affecting

49:26

their future relationships. And we had another guest on

49:28

the other day and me and her were both

49:31

brought up in single parent households. And

49:33

we're talking about like, you know, we're getting older with 35.

49:35

We know we want children, but we

49:38

both said we want it more. We want more of a

49:40

family that it is just to have children by ourselves, just

49:42

as a result of how we feel. And I went home

49:44

and I was thinking about it and I was just like,

49:46

that's not, so as a child

49:48

from a single parent background, I didn't

49:51

necessarily feel like I was missing anything, growing

49:53

up, I'll be honest. Like a lot of

49:56

people around me were single, were from single

49:58

parents as well. My mum was everything. My

50:00

mom did things like I love dad mugs that

50:02

she would buy in the household. She'd catch the

50:04

last name. She would already ring for you. I,

50:08

as a child from a single parent background, don't

50:10

feel like I felt it. But as

50:12

I've grown older, I don't want it because I've seen

50:14

what it did to my mom. Not what

50:17

it did to me. I feel like I've come out, absolutely

50:19

fine, I'm okay. But as a woman,

50:21

being like I don't

50:23

want to have a kid of my own because I saw her

50:26

not be fulfilled as a woman. And

50:29

I go to art in the sense of like how

50:31

does that, how

50:33

does watching your parental relationships, or watching your mother, or whatever,

50:36

how she dealt with your father, how have I dealt with

50:38

relationships, then affect you when you start looking for relationships. Because

50:40

now I know for a fact, I don't want to be

50:42

a single mother. Not because I think it's going to be

50:44

bad for my child, but I think it's going to be

50:47

bad for me. Right. That's heavy. I

50:49

mean, I felt like, you know,

50:51

I really feel that with you

50:53

talking about your mother. You know,

50:55

it's everything. Our power,

50:57

how we saw our

51:00

parents love and how

51:02

we interpreted their love serves

51:05

as the foundation for how we

51:08

love as adults. And

51:10

that I mean, that is really the premise of attachment

51:12

theory. And when you look at

51:14

it, you look at, you know, it came from

51:17

John Bowlby's work and moved to Mary Ainsworth. Dr.

51:19

Levine has written a great book called Attached just

51:22

a few years ago, which is great. But

51:24

ultimately, that's where attachment styles come from. You

51:27

know, you think about this as you

51:29

felt secure in your mother's love. So

51:32

therefore you have, and I can already see, I can

51:34

tell you have a secure attachment. Yeah. And

51:38

secure attachment is about half of

51:40

adults have a secure attachment. And this

51:42

is the right way to approach your

51:44

relationships. But if you were

51:46

in a situation where your caregiver wasn't

51:48

always there, not because they didn't

51:51

love you, but because they had, they were trying

51:53

to hold down three jobs. Yeah. You

51:55

Know, they were. They were working while you, you

51:57

know, going back and forth. Then You could then

51:59

create what's called. Anxious to attachments

52:01

There was an anxious and how doesn't

52:03

show up an anxious Me: That's you

52:05

know if you will be loved? Yeah,

52:07

rights to. therefore that's a person in

52:09

the relationship as like you know you

52:11

call me a huge you know I'm

52:13

you.that you can chicken or mean by

52:15

Harry like they're anxious in the relationship

52:17

the any state anxious for the rest

52:19

of their life and then. You

52:22

have the situation where you have.

52:24

you know? That. That the

52:26

parent. But fortunately the caregiver just

52:28

doesn't. Doesn't. Show uma

52:30

yeah they don't and maybe because they

52:32

don't love you ps and therefore you

52:34

develop was called and avoidance style where

52:37

you realize I have to depend on

52:39

me to think about how sad is

52:41

is is there are you know depending

52:43

on was study say. Ten

52:45

percent. Twenty percent. Up to

52:47

quarter kids right now saying

52:50

your. Mom doesn't let me, but

52:52

that doesn't love me So therefore. I've

52:54

got to figure out how to do this

52:56

or my oh yeah, and they're five six

52:58

Seven years old. So when your boss six

53:01

seven years old and you realize the best

53:03

person to depend on his yourself, yeah, how

53:05

do you show up as an adult? You

53:07

don't need any By the yes, Maybe I

53:09

need you for sex, Maybe I need you

53:12

forge to come hang out for little while,

53:14

but I don't need you. Yeah, And this

53:16

is a big problem that we have is

53:18

it got a lot of people in relationships.

53:21

Who. Are avoidance. Who.

53:23

Are anxious or there's was called an

53:25

anxious avoidance too which is called a

53:28

disorganized Attachments.which is a combination of both

53:30

and ultimately we need to be getting

53:32

to a place of secure which is

53:35

how you describing how are you presenting

53:37

in terms of the relationship with your

53:39

mom and the best way to get

53:41

to secure attachment is to be in

53:44

a relationship with someone who secure like

53:46

that. Very important in these are some

53:48

the things that we should be looking

53:51

for when we are dating people. Will

53:53

We are evaluating. Is this some

53:55

my that we want in our lives

53:57

is not just about how they look

54:00

that up a like know I need

54:02

the understand how you attach because if

54:04

you are showing up as an avoidance

54:07

now you may be in avoid for

54:09

our entire relationship as can have in

54:11

a blatant become a secure yes namely

54:14

through having a secure partner or through

54:16

therapies. The is that more label on the secure

54:18

person's has. Heat. That person

54:20

is not that the secure person is teaching

54:22

them. Is. That by their behaviors

54:25

their demonstrate man and this is

54:27

secure. Behaving ripe we have an

54:29

argument. Secure. His. Let's.

54:32

Discuss it, Avoid is par with.

54:35

So anxious is anxious is stupid.

54:37

I don't care about our liberty.

54:39

Had a lovely. A As and I'm

54:41

glad you think it's sorry. True is

54:44

that. How we'd love his

54:46

sights by what we see. Because

54:48

my husband is exactly that. My

54:50

dad's. I way they

54:52

act like see what's. He their personalities

54:55

they are exactly the same person.

54:58

Inside so many ways as

55:00

the icon. Negate

55:02

that that has something to do

55:04

not bring in. Gonna say that

55:07

doesn't have noted of one. Thousand.

55:10

Percent. And it's because that's.

55:13

What? You are familiar with Him

55:15

So when you met your husband.

55:17

And. You know this behaviors are familiar,

55:20

team and what is familiarity do It makes

55:22

you comfortable and it also makes you safe

55:24

because is comfortable and so this is why

55:26

you know we have to realize that a

55:28

lot of people like of of that afraid

55:30

of who grew up in a very gym

55:32

at like. Like. High Drama

55:34

household. Unfortunately, Lot of violence

55:36

on domestic violence in the household and

55:39

she is Norm is he's like drama

55:41

yeah or would that are barrel that

55:43

shocked me out you know like that

55:45

and any see like I just saw

55:47

this video that mom and posted a

55:50

way of legos of questions so I'm

55:52

saying it running on the street saying

55:54

what toxic behavior do like the likes

55:56

to secretly like the and people are

55:58

manifests. I think you do

56:00

like jealousy. Yeah, yeah. I like jealousy.

56:03

Like, territorial behaviour never hurt

56:05

anyone. See? We'll do it.

56:08

We'll do it. Okay. But

56:10

see, this is learned. You know,

56:12

this is learned. It's learned through our parents.

56:15

It's learned through what we saw. It's also

56:17

learned through all the content we consume. If

56:19

someone just sits back and listens to toxic

56:22

content, reality TV, whatever,

56:25

maybe, then that becomes

56:27

the norm. And you think, okay, that's

56:29

familiar. That's safe. And the thing

56:31

is, I know it's not an innate thing because

56:33

it doesn't go with my personality. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

56:35

My personality doesn't necessarily align with

56:37

someone that would like jealousy. So I

56:40

know that that is something that is

56:42

learned. Like, it's not. Yeah. It's

56:45

definitely nurture. Not nature. You can

56:47

unlearn it. Yeah, I can. I just choose. I

56:50

choose violence. I can. I can. Just

56:53

a small amount. Just a bit of that. Who's that then?

56:56

Who's that then? Who's that then? Who's

56:58

that then? Just stop there. So like all

57:00

things considered, you've considered everything. You've done your

57:03

attachment to... When did

57:05

you leave? When is the right time to leave?

57:07

Because I think sometimes it's like leave. I

57:10

mean, outside of the obvious, like, you know, abuse and things

57:12

like that. When is it that like, oh, this is done.

57:14

We should leave. We should stop. I

57:16

mean, the short answer, because one is, you know, it's going

57:18

to be a long answer. But the short answer is when

57:20

there's no more effort. Effort

57:23

equals interest. So

57:25

if you have a partner who

57:27

is disorganized, attachment avoided, whatever it

57:29

may be, is jealous,

57:31

is like doing all these things, but yet

57:34

they say, you know what? But I'm trying.

57:37

And they're actively trying. Like, yeah, I

57:40

don't want to do therapy, but let's listen to

57:42

the receipts podcast and talk about it. That

57:44

by itself is therapy, by the way. Let's talk about it.

57:46

Let's discuss it. Let's listen, talk about

57:48

it. Like, if you see someone who's continually doing

57:50

the work, then you rock

57:52

with that person. But the moment

57:54

that someone says, nah, It's

57:58

not doing it. That

58:00

that is indicative of someone

58:02

who. No. Longer has

58:04

interest. In. You or the relationship.

58:09

With somebody I see a real remember

58:11

him as I'll ever get that dilemmas

58:14

side of. The websites in it or

58:16

leave it nearly as much as I think. I

58:19

think some senses I. Like once botswana me

58:21

for women as if not can leave you for signing

58:23

up the you haven't been able to beat the financially

58:25

you can afford to leave away. Belief is that it's

58:27

as much a cape. it's not something you leave by

58:29

the that name is a great way to be nice

58:32

if Esa is no longer been making then cause I

58:34

always say he stood at the. Love is borne

58:36

by guess that was less connected to the

58:38

Ss. I see some if you'd love somebody

58:40

posted in love of someone's than in maybe

58:42

he would want to make the assets so

58:44

interest that you're trying because I saw like

58:46

once you fool at once I saw that

58:48

the losses born and his dad's like would

58:50

be in that. Are you from my for years

58:52

and years and yeas do as he loves your wife would

58:54

have those years. Yet. So. Yes

58:57

because the loved. Your point is

58:59

love is the wanting. Now has

59:01

the amount of love Like the

59:03

intensity of the lesson is enough

59:05

for my definitely don't sometimes earlier

59:07

only I yeah you know that

59:09

kind of thing. But the love.

59:12

Bruce. as you become

59:14

closer emotionally with some in a lot

59:16

of people to like to talk about

59:18

from but ultimately. The. Stronger you or

59:21

emotionally connected Which really means that I think

59:23

the best way to describe it is that

59:25

have a friend of mine's a therapist so

59:27

he says as we all have a public

59:30

life. Yeah, we all have a private

59:32

life and then we all have the secret life.

59:37

Of. Their

59:40

lives. In

59:44

if you have a partner

59:46

who. To. Know all of

59:48

you, In still want you

59:50

Love Wanting A By the way, love

59:53

is one thing, right? him. Than.

59:55

That said, that: strong

59:57

emotional attachment, A strong.

1:00:00

emotional intimacy. If you

1:00:02

have that, then everything else is

1:00:05

workable. Like everything else becomes like

1:00:07

workable. And my wife and I have

1:00:09

grown from, you know, it's interesting. So

1:00:11

I've been married yet 22 years,

1:00:14

right? I would say the first

1:00:16

five years, we only really knew

1:00:19

our public to

1:00:21

kind of private. Like think

1:00:24

about this is like even things

1:00:26

like farting. Yeah, my wife's like, No,

1:00:28

I'm not gonna do that in front of you. Yeah. I

1:00:30

was like, I'm not gonna do that in front of

1:00:32

you. Like I think it was, you know, it's like, I

1:00:35

didn't even know we weren't even at that level.

1:00:37

But we've grown out to the point where

1:00:39

it's like, she knows where all the bodies are

1:00:41

very your partner should

1:00:43

know your public, private and secret. Well,

1:00:46

if you want to have the highest

1:00:48

level of emotional intimacy, because some partnerships

1:00:52

are not about that. Because they're really big

1:00:54

on don't say anything. Yeah. They're

1:00:56

really I mean, all right, to

1:00:59

throw some nerdiness into this, but this

1:01:01

is good is Maslow has a hierarchy

1:01:03

of needs, right? They wrote Ninth Circuit,

1:01:05

circa 1940s, maybe. And the bottom

1:01:07

level of Maslow's hierarchy of needs is what? Oh,

1:01:11

what you know about Maslow's hierarchy? Oh my god,

1:01:13

this is important. Please see. I

1:01:18

was waiting for another word. Hang

1:01:20

on. I was like, have you met that Maslow? I

1:01:23

can't believe the cough. I'm like, no,

1:01:25

that's a good idea. Okay,

1:01:29

Maslow, tell us more. Okay, so Maslow,

1:01:33

right? He created something called Maslow's

1:01:35

hierarchy of needs. Okay. And what it

1:01:37

shows is our needs as human beings.

1:01:40

But as couples, they

1:01:44

have tracked Maslow. So for example,

1:01:46

the lowest level is about safety.

1:01:49

Right? Before you need anything else,

1:01:52

you need safety. Yeah, right. This is

1:01:55

it. If you're not safe, you're constantly

1:01:57

under threat. You go up a little bit, what

1:01:59

do you need? You Need. After. You need

1:02:01

food, You need water. spare you first, need to

1:02:03

be safe within any shelter. They need foods. These

1:02:05

are all of the baseline things of Muslims. Then

1:02:07

if you have all of that, then you can

1:02:10

move up. And you could have went. Friendship.

1:02:13

You could have connection. You. Could have

1:02:15

belonging you could have love that. kind

1:02:17

of like in the second rung is

1:02:19

technically seven, but we're going to do

1:02:21

three i within the highest level. Is.

1:02:24

Called you have been self evil.

1:02:27

And what Is that? Me? You know

1:02:29

I'm. Like.

1:02:32

it's it's it's it's It's technically Aristotle.

1:02:34

What? Talk about this? it's living in.

1:02:37

New to me, You know, mani you

1:02:39

demonic. Which means that. You

1:02:41

are living your best life.

1:02:44

To. Live in your best life. That

1:02:47

means that you are creating podcast may

1:02:49

be that are changing the world. You're

1:02:51

living at the highest level of your

1:02:53

be get the highest level of creativity

1:02:56

you just in constant flow like that

1:02:58

yourself the ball. But

1:03:00

you can't be south evolved unless you

1:03:02

have the mid tier, the belonging and

1:03:04

actions you can be and you can't

1:03:06

have a long the belonging, the connection

1:03:08

or. You have your

1:03:10

life that you have safety rights so

1:03:13

these are Muslims hierarchy of needs. Now

1:03:15

to get to your question is that

1:03:17

if you look at couples and marriages.

1:03:20

Way. Back in the day. And. Weary

1:03:22

of the go that far, We go back

1:03:24

to the nineteen thirties and forties. They were

1:03:26

about what. The. Baseless. Have

1:03:28

any. Idea and how. Exactly.

1:03:30

I need a partner that could just

1:03:32

give me sixty second. just we can

1:03:34

raise a child together. But. I. Will

1:03:37

still have be having sex on the

1:03:39

side. I will still get my friendship.

1:03:41

On. the side i'll get my intellectual stimulation

1:03:43

from the side rights but we're just

1:03:46

going a mixer that we were safe

1:03:48

yeah but then as the years go

1:03:50

by making fifty thinking sixties making seven

1:03:52

these women start to get choice in

1:03:54

the west what happens it's know i

1:03:56

want a partner from a little bit

1:03:58

more than games on I want more

1:04:00

than just a house.

1:04:02

Why? Because I can buy my own house. I

1:04:05

can do it myself. So I want

1:04:07

real connection. I want friendship, right? That's

1:04:09

another level. But then there's

1:04:11

another level of couples. My wife and

1:04:13

I are in this where we want

1:04:15

our best self. We want somebody

1:04:17

who is going to help us because we could

1:04:20

get there on our own, but

1:04:22

a strong partner will help you get there faster

1:04:24

to live our best self. I

1:04:26

want to drop my pebble in this world,

1:04:30

and I want to see waves go, right?

1:04:32

And if you need that, if you want that,

1:04:34

you need to be self-evolved. Now,

1:04:37

some people in 2024, they just want safety. They

1:04:43

still just want that. Oh, I can't, I think that's

1:04:45

my problem. I want the peak, like,

1:04:47

and like, I've always been someone

1:04:49

who's had this idea of a big love. Like,

1:04:52

I see relationship, I see things, I'm like, that's great, but I

1:04:54

don't really like that. Like, I've got this, like, and it's

1:04:56

not like that, like, as in it's multiple,

1:04:58

it's not like, it has to look like this, blah, blah,

1:05:00

blah, blah, blah. It's not a look, it's how I want

1:05:03

it to feel for me and them. Like,

1:05:05

I want their version to feel like I

1:05:07

can do anything, because I feel like

1:05:09

I can do anything. Like, in fact, it's a

1:05:11

bit ridiculous. Anything that's been humanly done, I'm like,

1:05:13

yeah, I can do it, because they don't have

1:05:16

two heads. And I want to enrich

1:05:18

someone to feel that about themselves and feel that about us

1:05:20

as well, to be like, yeah, we can do it all. So

1:05:23

you stay on that path. Like, you're on the

1:05:25

path. But it's like vibration. No, no, no, no,

1:05:27

no, no. I don't know about that in the

1:05:29

wild. It's annoying. Yeah, but this is the thing.

1:05:31

If they're low vibration, you continue to vibrate higher.

1:05:34

And this is the reason why. Like, so, as Obama

1:05:36

said, we go high, right? But

1:05:41

the reason why is because people who

1:05:43

vibrate at the highest level want other

1:05:45

people who vibrate at the highest level,

1:05:48

right? Trust me on this. And

1:05:50

so what you want to do, you want

1:05:52

to continue, and I write about this in my book, I

1:05:54

call it social capital. You want

1:05:56

to continue to create more social

1:05:59

capital life,

1:06:01

you know, continue to be successful with the

1:06:03

pod, go out and write, go

1:06:05

out, get on the stage as a comedian,

1:06:08

rip it down, like continue to be your

1:06:10

best self, raise your child to be the

1:06:12

best child. Like, as you are doing that,

1:06:15

what is happening is you are saying, I

1:06:17

choose not to live in mediocrity. I

1:06:20

choose to live in excellence. My

1:06:22

boundaries are high, which means that

1:06:24

crap can't jump into your, your

1:06:27

sphere, when your boundaries are high, it

1:06:30

means that only exceptional people are going

1:06:32

to get down with you. Now, a lot of people

1:06:34

say, Oh, she's stuck. Oh, she thinks too much of

1:06:36

herself. But they're saying that from

1:06:41

down there. Yeah. You know what I mean? And

1:06:43

you're up here. And when you were up here

1:06:45

and your boundaries are high, are you going to

1:06:47

interact with fewer people? Yeah. But I guarantee

1:06:56

you what will happen is that people

1:06:58

who are exceptional will continue to enter

1:07:00

your life. And then as people who

1:07:03

are exceptional enter your life, they

1:07:05

may not be the partner, but they may know. Right.

1:07:07

So let me tell you, I'll make that. I just

1:07:09

know you want something serious. I know you want

1:07:12

something better. So I'm just not going to, I'm just going to tap out. It's

1:07:15

like, I think people who men who come into my life

1:07:17

and then they don't can't give back know it early. And

1:07:19

they're like, okay, I'm out because I'm aware that I'm just

1:07:21

not going to be special. You want me to be it. Right. Yes.

1:07:27

But even well, I should even say but and

1:07:30

they could also be the, you

1:07:32

know, the conveyors, if you will,

1:07:34

the connectors of the people

1:07:36

who end up being the partner.

1:07:39

Right. But I will also ask this because I know

1:07:41

that a lot of when I start when my wife

1:07:43

and I started the matchmaking agency, because first it was

1:07:45

me, then she then she was like, all right, you

1:07:48

need to make this a lot better. We started

1:07:50

specifically focusing on black women who

1:07:52

were highly exceptional living in the DC,

1:07:54

Maryland, Virginia area in the States. And

1:07:57

one thing that I noticed that was happening. happening

1:08:00

a lot with our clients is that they

1:08:02

were exceptional, exceptional, but

1:08:05

they were doing nothing to

1:08:07

meet people. All right. At Poly

1:08:09

team. Like, I would be like, well,

1:08:11

what do you do? They're

1:08:13

like, well, you know, I guess you are.

1:08:16

I'm like, I miss my book, I have a nice

1:08:18

dinner, I can sleep. And

1:08:20

so that's part of it too, is that we

1:08:22

in the matchmaking business, we would call that the

1:08:24

pipeline problem is that you have to

1:08:27

interact with people, you know what

1:08:29

I mean? With new people.

1:08:32

And so that's part of it too. It's

1:08:34

like, okay, you're raising your social capital, you're

1:08:36

vibrating on a higher level, but you also

1:08:38

have to be interacting with

1:08:40

new people, you know, so I would even throw that back,

1:08:42

you know, in a way. So

1:08:46

are you interacting with? No.

1:08:49

In a way. Okay. No, no, no.

1:08:51

So there you go. Yeah. So

1:08:54

you know what you were saying about that? It's

1:08:57

like, I know you have it. But

1:09:00

you know about the Monzlo hierarchy,

1:09:02

it makes sense because when people

1:09:04

were early dating for safety and shelter,

1:09:06

of course they would last longer because you're

1:09:09

being fulfilled in other areas. Yes. You

1:09:11

know what I mean? Whereas now we, we're not

1:09:14

falling for the achy-doke anymore, people's expectations are higher.

1:09:16

So of course, relationships are naturally going to be shorter because

1:09:19

you're going to cut people off if they're not.

1:09:21

There you go. Yeah. So that's

1:09:23

the observation, like you put your research cap on

1:09:25

and that's the reason why there's a guy named

1:09:27

Eli Finkel out of New York. He's a great

1:09:29

researcher. He shows that 80% of

1:09:32

marriages today are not

1:09:35

satisfied. Only 20% are

1:09:38

satisfied, but they are satisfied more than

1:09:41

any point in history. So you

1:09:43

think, okay, why is that? The reason

1:09:45

why the 80% are not is because of what you

1:09:47

just said. It's like, damn, I need to actually

1:09:49

be friends with my partner. It's like, we

1:09:51

need to have a conversation with them. But

1:09:53

so that's the reason why they're not satisfied.

1:09:56

The 20% are more satisfied. Why? Because

1:09:58

They now have the tools. Understand

1:10:00

how to be self. Evil

1:10:02

is likely. Even what we've

1:10:05

covered today already. If someone listens

1:10:07

to this. And. Does half of

1:10:09

it? Their life becomes better. They go

1:10:11

up. That. Muslim hierarchy of needs

1:10:13

to We saw me tools podcast you tube

1:10:15

videos with that courses we can take. We

1:10:17

have therapists at a more accessible than ever

1:10:19

before we got shows that you don't We

1:10:22

try to do our best on tv show

1:10:24

sh not all the some of them to

1:10:26

teach you know the public does so because

1:10:28

we have all of these things. If you

1:10:30

have a partner who is. Putting.

1:10:32

In there were no excuse

1:10:35

that now I also am

1:10:37

me talking about. The.

1:10:40

That this looking for other things on the side

1:10:42

when so patchy and that's another one. Of the

1:10:44

big focus or as a society now have a

1:10:46

little bit about forty the because a sense of

1:10:48

life. Partners T A and I think

1:10:50

one thing I've let the mice from

1:10:53

this podcast is. Women: Seem

1:10:55

like so often a slight I'm not getting could

1:10:57

sex, his, unseat him up hotness. I love my

1:10:59

husband but as the can someone else but a

1:11:01

we get it So I'll sit and repeat that.

1:11:04

I think I was us a little bit naive

1:11:06

to make element the he as much men have.

1:11:08

That bad. Pr women have a

1:11:10

pianist. And you decide to

1:11:12

get caught on. Monday, so a thing. Should.

1:11:15

You ever forgive quantities? Yet.

1:11:18

So that's a personal decision. I

1:11:21

will not be held. I don't agree with I seem

1:11:23

like a dog when I got a watching. That

1:11:28

is the best guess is as a person decision but

1:11:30

I will say. That. On.

1:11:33

Average most couples where there is

1:11:35

infidelity. Whether that's emotional it could

1:11:38

be another form of infidelity has

1:11:40

of physical eccentric, the weather's infidelity

1:11:42

and they put in the works.

1:11:45

They survives. If you were, they

1:11:48

can become stronger and couple moving.

1:11:50

Is that possible? With. That humans

1:11:52

that as he. Now I'm if I haven't, you

1:11:54

know my wife I I hope she has. done

1:11:57

at i'm you know i think of a

1:12:00

large problem or a big driver behind,

1:12:02

let's just call, let's just say physical,

1:12:04

you know, the physical infidelity is

1:12:07

the low well

1:12:09

being. And the

1:12:12

idea that your partner is there

1:12:14

to serve you versus

1:12:17

you are there to serve the relationship, right?

1:12:19

Like yourself in the relationship. And I say

1:12:21

that because, you know, sexual

1:12:24

satisfaction is on the decline.

1:12:27

Like, I've just read a book

1:12:30

on this called Mind the Gap,

1:12:32

which is phenomenal. One of the

1:12:34

best books I've read on sexual

1:12:36

satisfaction, right? And most

1:12:39

of us have no idea how

1:12:41

do you behave sex? Tell

1:12:43

them please. Yeah, okay. Please. I mean,

1:12:45

you know, I would say this, you know,

1:12:48

I was thinking I was like, how

1:12:50

do you because you know, like, fellas,

1:12:52

and I think we're taught this. So

1:12:54

I'm talking about heterosexual sex. Yeah, is that

1:12:56

actually, let me throw this out is

1:12:59

how many times what do you think the average number

1:13:02

of times that people have sex couples,

1:13:05

so you could be married to be. Yeah,

1:13:07

yeah, yeah. But on average, what is it

1:13:10

once a week? How come I have three

1:13:12

times a week? Okay, so most

1:13:14

people say, it is

1:13:17

once or a little bit less, right? So

1:13:19

it's two to four times a month. Not

1:13:22

me exposing myself. But I was like, I

1:13:24

wasn't the wild girl. It's

1:13:29

something I read. Couples

1:13:35

who live together. This includes couples who

1:13:38

live together. Now, after

1:13:40

the honeymoon phase, that six months to

1:13:42

two years, it

1:13:44

drops to almost non-existent. You

1:13:47

have couples and I get all the time people

1:13:49

message sending me messages all the time. We say,

1:13:51

Paul, I've been with my partner for five years,

1:13:54

10 years, 20 years, we've

1:13:57

had only sex once or 20 years.

1:14:00

twice in that time. And

1:14:03

most of the time when sex is

1:14:05

had in heterosexual sex, women

1:14:08

don't orgasm. Yeah, yeah, we knew that. Yeah,

1:14:10

you know, women do not orgasm. And I

1:14:12

think that when you think about this, you

1:14:14

think and this is called the orgasm gap.

1:14:17

Yeah. And you think about this is that

1:14:19

I think a large script that we have,

1:14:21

and this is, I'm really pulling this a

1:14:23

lot from Dr. Gurnee's research

1:14:25

in Mind the Gap, is that,

1:14:28

and we see this on TV all the time is it's

1:14:30

like, okay, heterosexual sex goes like

1:14:32

this, a little bit of kissing, the

1:14:35

woman gives the man oral

1:14:37

sex, there is then penetrative

1:14:39

vaginal sex, which the majority

1:14:41

of women cannot orgasm through

1:14:43

penetrative vaginal sex, most people,

1:14:45

most men don't know this.

1:14:48

And the man then orgasms,

1:14:50

and he rolls over, you think

1:14:53

you can fix me a sandwich?

1:14:56

And you're like, boy, look at that. Right.

1:14:58

But that is the not the exception.

1:15:02

That is the

1:15:07

standard sexual experience. You

1:15:09

think about that, if that's the

1:15:12

standard, yeah, oh, damn, we've got,

1:15:14

we've got a lot, you know,

1:15:17

with the fellas, I always say, you know, because,

1:15:20

you know, a lot of people, they're brag like, Oh, yeah, yeah, I

1:15:22

do this, I do this, I was like, all right, so tell

1:15:24

me like, tell me what's even the difference

1:15:26

between a vagina and a vulva? Like,

1:15:29

do you know? Show

1:15:31

me what is it? Like, do you know

1:15:34

where it is? Like, that's

1:15:36

why I say don't break orgasms. I think it

1:15:38

was bad behavior. Don't break if you didn't happen,

1:15:41

be quiet. Yeah, yeah. And

1:15:43

be quiet. Yeah. But

1:15:45

here's the thing, if you can't, and this is

1:15:47

this is why you know, I mean, I love this

1:15:49

topic that we're on because so

1:15:53

many women do fake it. Oh, yeah, yeah,

1:15:55

definitely. And you think about, okay, why do

1:15:57

you fake it? There's lots of reasons

1:15:59

why. You're trying to make sure that you want to

1:16:01

stay in the relationship. So you don't want to upset the guy

1:16:04

You know, you don't want to embarrass him. But

1:16:07

typically it's always about protecting him

1:16:10

Protect your soul Create

1:16:13

those boundaries when you don't fake it

1:16:15

You don't say anything or you have

1:16:17

an open conversation about it. That's what

1:16:20

leads to things getting better Yeah, if

1:16:22

you can't have a conversation with your

1:16:24

partner about your sex. I guarantee you

1:16:26

you will never have good sex Okay,

1:16:29

yeah being like old sexist good. I don't know what to

1:16:31

do I'm like tell him you can't I'm

1:16:33

not convinced that you can have sex someone but I

1:16:35

see shy to talk to them about it You

1:16:37

make no sense. You cannot and and

1:16:39

I guarantee you most of those People

1:16:42

are not having good sex. You know,

1:16:44

one of the rawest conversations my wife

1:16:46

ever had with me is I

1:16:50

was anything I was like, yeah, I'm laying it down And

1:16:58

we were having this conversation and the best

1:17:00

times I think to have these conversations is

1:17:02

when you are listening

1:17:05

to a podcast like this Right

1:17:07

where you can say, okay, they're talking about this they opened up Let's

1:17:09

open up a little bit or but we were reading a book and

1:17:11

the book was talking about how women who

1:17:17

do orgasm They

1:17:19

have a decline in the in

1:17:22

like the the power of the orgasm

1:17:25

over time Over

1:17:27

time right there's a decline it so

1:17:29

they're still having the orgasm But there's a decline or

1:17:32

they may be in a situation where they used to

1:17:34

have four or five orgasms and

1:17:36

now it's like one too So

1:17:39

we're having this thing and i'm like i'm like,

1:17:41

yeah i'm good. Okay, and my wife is

1:17:43

like, you know She

1:17:49

said you know How that person

1:17:51

feels? Yeah That's what's happening

1:17:53

to me like i'm still

1:17:56

having an orgasm It's not

1:17:58

at the level like you used to take me

1:18:00

to Mount Everest. You know what I mean?

1:18:02

Now I'm like, I'm like, hell. And you

1:18:04

know, I

1:18:11

think that if she never said that, what

1:18:14

would have happened is that there would have

1:18:16

continued to be this decline in our sexual

1:18:19

act. But then I was like, okay, okay.

1:18:21

Yeah, yeah. I was like,

1:18:23

let me figure out. I was like,

1:18:25

let me figure out where, and I

1:18:27

got real scientific about it. I bet

1:18:29

you did. I was like, look, there

1:18:32

are more nerve endings in

1:18:34

a clitoris than there are

1:18:36

inside the vaginal

1:18:38

wall, like inside of vagina. There's more nerve

1:18:41

endings around the vagina

1:18:44

than there is, you know. So it's

1:18:46

like, I was like, all right, look,

1:18:48

I'm gonna make this. We're going to Mars. I

1:18:52

totally agree. I feel like, honestly,

1:18:54

if you can't talk, because like,

1:18:57

okay, I'm going to

1:18:59

use my relationship as an example.

1:19:01

We are a very banter led

1:19:04

type marriage. So it's like,

1:19:06

it's not going to be a serious

1:19:08

conversation where I sit him down. Like

1:19:10

the serious conversations are for the serious

1:19:12

things. I'm not saying that sex isn't because that's very

1:19:14

important, but we do everything

1:19:17

in banter. So I would just be like, you're

1:19:19

not hitting it the way you like. I can literally just

1:19:21

say that. But I think for me, it's so

1:19:24

important to be sexually

1:19:26

satisfied in a relationship. I say it

1:19:28

here often, because I think that one,

1:19:31

obviously you don't want the person looking outside, but

1:19:34

two, it's just like I want to,

1:19:37

if I'm not having good sex with you, then

1:19:39

you're just a housemate. And I get really scared

1:19:41

about just having a housemate. I don't want a

1:19:43

housemate. I want to me, my

1:19:46

husband is what differentiates a

1:19:48

friend. Otherwise we're just friends. And obviously

1:19:50

friendship is important, but I need that

1:19:52

to be a thing.

1:19:55

So what I think is

1:19:57

important is that we all admit.

1:20:00

that we all need it to be a

1:20:02

thing. And most of us don't

1:20:04

have it. The majority

1:20:06

of couples, so I'm not just

1:20:08

talking about marriages, but couples have

1:20:11

low satisfactory sex. I mean, just

1:20:13

think about this, the majority of

1:20:15

heterosexual couples, the woman does not

1:20:17

orgasm. So you think about that,

1:20:20

like it is

1:20:22

low satisfaction. Now, there are many people

1:20:24

like my friend Dr. Gurney, who will

1:20:26

say that an orgasm doesn't constitute having

1:20:28

great sex, you could have great sex

1:20:30

without it. But

1:20:32

the point though, is that the

1:20:34

satisfaction level when people report, they're

1:20:36

like, nah, it really wasn't, but

1:20:38

they never tell their part, they

1:20:40

don't even do the banter. Like,

1:20:42

they just never say anything. They

1:20:44

just instead, rather sex toy, they instead go

1:20:47

to someone

1:20:51

on the side, opposed to

1:20:53

saying, let's talk about this, which

1:20:56

goes back to the point of the

1:20:58

strongest couples are the ones who have

1:21:00

a free flow of

1:21:02

communication. And there's different forms of

1:21:04

communication. There's open communication, there's indirect

1:21:06

communication. So the banter is indirect,

1:21:08

right? Which is not necessarily saying

1:21:10

it's bad, but it is, okay,

1:21:12

we're not going to say it

1:21:14

exactly. We're going to, you know,

1:21:16

allude to it. We're going to

1:21:18

suggest to it. As long as

1:21:20

both couples can work on that

1:21:22

level, that's good. But open slash

1:21:25

direct is even better to

1:21:27

be able to say, all right, yeah,

1:21:30

you're not hitting it like you used to.

1:21:32

But let me tell you what hitting it

1:21:35

like it used to like, let me

1:21:37

tell you what that what what what

1:21:39

that means to me. Because think

1:21:42

about if you could just have a

1:21:45

conversation with your husband to say, this

1:21:47

is what I want done. I

1:21:50

guarantee you because he loves you because he

1:21:52

wants you. He's going to get

1:21:54

it done. He may not get it done

1:21:57

this second. But he is going to

1:21:59

say, okay, this is is what she like.

1:22:01

So in that moment, this is what she

1:22:03

was. This is what she wants. Okay, this,

1:22:05

okay, okay, okay. Right. But there's no, you

1:22:08

know, and I think I always go back to my because

1:22:10

I work a lot with with fellas is that we

1:22:13

do a bad job with

1:22:16

what I call the feedback loop. And I

1:22:18

think this is why women are superior,

1:22:21

like superior in relationships than men.

1:22:23

Because if you when you were

1:22:25

just like dating your husband, right, you

1:22:28

go on a date, I guarantee

1:22:30

you, you were telling your friends about what happened.

1:22:33

Like you were like, this is what happened. They would give you

1:22:35

feedback. Do this? Oh, no,

1:22:37

don't do that. Like this feedback loop,

1:22:40

which then inherently makes you better. It

1:22:42

also makes you more emotionally intelligent. Whereas

1:22:45

when he would go on the date with you, who do

1:22:48

you think he was telling us his guys? God

1:22:52

knows. I don't think he was saying anything. I think

1:22:54

he was keeping it to himself. Exactly. He probably wasn't

1:22:56

saying anything. And the one random time

1:22:59

one of his fellas probably said, did

1:23:01

you hit? And

1:23:03

that was it. Yeah. You know what I

1:23:05

mean? But there's no feedback. Yeah, there's no

1:23:08

let's talk about every

1:23:10

detail. What kind of exactly what he was

1:23:12

saying. Yeah, a hundred percent. So

1:23:15

feedback is ultimately what I believe and

1:23:17

I write about this in the book

1:23:19

is I believe this is what has

1:23:21

made women more superior when it comes

1:23:23

to dating, right? Now you take that

1:23:25

into a relationship. It's the same thing.

1:23:28

He's used to I give no feedback.

1:23:30

I give no feedback. We don't really

1:23:32

need to talk about all that.

1:23:34

But if you if you actually

1:23:36

gave him the feedback, yeah, I

1:23:39

am willing to bet because of the love,

1:23:41

there will be effort. Now

1:23:43

how it's delivered when it's delivered, all of

1:23:45

that stuff that needs to be worked out.

1:23:47

But the fact he needs to get it.

1:23:49

He needs that roadmap. I know I needed

1:23:52

it. You know, every time I start

1:23:54

to, you know, get complacent

1:23:56

in my relationship, my wife's like, Oh,

1:23:58

yeah. And she's She's very quick

1:24:00

to be open and direct

1:24:03

with what she needs. Early

1:24:06

on in our relationship, she would say, Paul, this

1:24:08

is like year five, things were

1:24:10

a little rocky for us in our marriage.

1:24:13

And I started to think, wow, man,

1:24:17

I wonder if this is gonna work. I want it to work.

1:24:19

I wonder if it's gonna work. And she

1:24:21

gave me an ultimatum. She

1:24:23

said, I want an all or

1:24:25

nothing marriage with you. I

1:24:28

was like, what does that mean? And she said, I want

1:24:30

all or I want nothing to

1:24:32

do with you. And I

1:24:34

was like, okay. And then she

1:24:36

was like, and here's what all means. Because

1:24:38

we're oftentimes not verbose. So it's like, okay, I

1:24:41

want all, but what does it really mean? All

1:24:43

means this, this, this, this,

1:24:45

and this. Do

1:24:47

you know that all and nothing, obviously that works great

1:24:49

in a marriage because you're both committed. If

1:24:52

you're in a relationship leading to something or

1:24:54

you just started seeing someone or whatever, do

1:24:56

you think you can do the same? I want it always. And I

1:24:58

want a relationship with this or just leave me alone. Yeah.

1:25:01

You're talking about just early on. Yeah, early on. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

1:25:03

Like not even in anything. It's

1:25:06

very important to make clear

1:25:08

what your boundaries are and

1:25:11

what your expectations are right from

1:25:13

the jump. Because that

1:25:15

very quickly will delineate

1:25:19

if someone is interested in a committed

1:25:21

relationship or in a casual relationship. And

1:25:23

this is very important too is because

1:25:25

even going back to David Buss's work

1:25:27

is what we found in

1:25:30

the quote unquote dating market around the world,

1:25:32

East West, is that everyone

1:25:34

is looking for one of two things

1:25:36

but rarely both at the same time.

1:25:39

So either we're looking for a long-term

1:25:41

partner or we're looking

1:25:44

for a short-term partner, which doesn't always

1:25:46

mean just quick sex, but these are

1:25:48

the two things that we're looking for.

1:25:51

Most people are

1:25:53

actually in the short-term category. So

1:25:56

if you are setting down all your

1:25:58

expectations, it automatically... medically signals,

1:26:00

I'm looking for a long term. Yeah, right.

1:26:02

Now some people will say, I'm short term,

1:26:05

the long term, but the most part shows

1:26:07

too. So I think it's very

1:26:09

important to lay out here's what I stand for. Here's

1:26:12

what I want. Here's what I expect. But also,

1:26:14

here's what I am prepared to do. Yeah.

1:26:17

Right. So it's not all like, do this, do this,

1:26:19

do that. It's like, this is

1:26:22

what I'm looking for. And this is what I'm

1:26:24

prepared to do. And I think that in

1:26:27

going back to men is that there's

1:26:30

a whole debate around, do you build

1:26:32

your kingdom first or do you

1:26:34

try to do right? Yeah, this is

1:26:36

whole and more people and I

1:26:38

could be wrong, but I feel like more people

1:26:41

side on. No, no, get the money first.

1:26:43

Yeah. Get the bag, get the

1:26:45

money. Some people say if you're skinned, if you're

1:26:47

skinned. Yeah, this is the thing. And I say,

1:26:50

well, that wasn't my experience. And

1:26:52

my experience and all of

1:26:55

my research says that what

1:26:57

you what we need to do if we want to

1:26:59

be self-evolved, because remember, it goes back to that goal.

1:27:02

A lot of us are not in life

1:27:04

to be self-evolved. A lot of us are

1:27:06

just here to exist. Have a good time.

1:27:08

Yeah. You know, and I'm

1:27:10

not knocking that. But if you want to

1:27:12

be self-evolved, the key is

1:27:14

focus on your excellence, focus on

1:27:17

your social capital, focus on your

1:27:19

high vibrations, focus on your well-being

1:27:23

and only allow people in

1:27:25

your life that are focused on the same. And

1:27:28

what will happen is that you will meet

1:27:30

more and more people in

1:27:32

that lane, more and more people in

1:27:34

that lane, more and more people in

1:27:36

that lane and only accept, only choose

1:27:39

a partner who fits that

1:27:41

criteria. And it's very important that

1:27:43

I specifically use the word choose because

1:27:46

still most women, even

1:27:49

to this day, allow themselves

1:27:51

to be selected, opposed to

1:27:53

consciously choosing who and what

1:27:55

they want in their life.

1:28:00

your type to type. But tell me what type,

1:28:02

I mean tell me about type because I

1:28:04

have a I

1:28:11

have a... Okay so I think I'm oldie says I

1:28:13

do I don't have a physical type. I don't

1:28:16

actually think you can line up the men of date

1:28:18

to talk to them and think they have a physical

1:28:20

type. Yeah it's a strain in their personality. It's a

1:28:22

person yeah there's a thing that they all have which

1:28:25

is? I would

1:28:28

say totally she

1:28:31

does like a man an alpha like I

1:28:33

think that just encompasses everything do you know what

1:28:35

I mean I was gonna say source but that's

1:28:37

not a very academic word. I think she likes

1:28:39

an alpha I think they all have that in

1:28:41

them. Okay so what is so you know I've

1:28:43

got pushback okay is

1:28:45

it but it's the nerd researcher coming up.

1:28:47

No no please do. What is an alpha?

1:28:51

The head honcho. Big boss

1:28:53

CEO. With

1:29:03

money but okay but what

1:29:05

does that really mean?

1:29:07

And I think when you say... And

1:29:12

I think if we can put it in that 9G movement

1:29:14

I think it's a when

1:29:16

I say alpha I there's a

1:29:18

thing of a determination. I like people that

1:29:20

get shit done. Naturally something I really like

1:29:22

in people. I like things people that do

1:29:24

things like and they and I think everyone

1:29:26

I've ever been it has a particular passion

1:29:28

for something they really like if it's like

1:29:30

they're really into this particular thing and they

1:29:32

put a lot of effort into it. I

1:29:35

like people that have their things and are

1:29:37

very big and bold about who they

1:29:39

are. I don't like I don't necessarily know I would

1:29:41

meet men in fact meet people I feel

1:29:43

a little bit uncomfortable about I don't know what

1:29:45

to do with it so I like boldness.

1:29:47

Okay all right so now I

1:29:49

like the breakdown of it and I liked how we

1:29:51

threw out alpha and the reason why I wanted to

1:29:54

come back to alpha and I zoned in is because

1:29:56

there's a lot of research around

1:29:58

how the term alpha has been

1:30:00

misappropriated. Even the researcher

1:30:02

who coined the phrase, what

1:30:05

happened is that Alpha was based

1:30:07

off of research around captive

1:30:10

wolves. He wrote about

1:30:12

these captive wolves in the 1980s,

1:30:14

a lot of the Wall Street

1:30:16

people like business, they took it

1:30:18

and they ran with an Alpha.

1:30:21

And in actuality, there's

1:30:23

really no such thing. Like for a

1:30:25

human being, we have all of these

1:30:27

traits, men have all of these traits,

1:30:29

right? So that's why I wanted to

1:30:31

unpack it. Because when you say Alpha,

1:30:33

it could be boss, but it also

1:30:35

could be someone who's rude, someone who's

1:30:37

abrupt. Yeah, that's why okay, so we

1:30:39

unpacked it. We said bold, gets things

1:30:41

done, right? That's exactly what

1:30:44

I was talking about with the model of hierarchy of needs.

1:30:46

You want someone who's going to be self evolved.

1:30:49

Now, if you start to unpack that,

1:30:51

that's where a lot of debate comes

1:30:53

in. Because you could be self evolved,

1:30:56

but have no money. Yeah, you know,

1:30:58

you could be self evolved. And, you

1:31:01

know, you don't walk around, like

1:31:04

you are assertive, but you actually are. Yeah,

1:31:06

right. But you don't, but you don't, you

1:31:08

know, I think my brother is a great

1:31:10

example. So my brother is, is

1:31:13

an introvert, I'm

1:31:15

introvert too, but I'm more

1:31:17

ambiavert. He's super introvert. Is

1:31:20

introvert extrovert in the middle.

1:31:22

I think that's me. You are

1:31:24

extrovert. You are so extrovert. So my

1:31:26

brother is introvert. He's shy. He's shy.

1:31:44

So you're like, oh, and normally he wears

1:31:46

all this oversized stuff. So you're like, you

1:31:49

know, maybe I don't even know what it looks

1:31:51

like. Yeah. Right. But Rufus

1:31:54

office shirt, six pack muscles,

1:31:56

tatted up. He is

1:31:58

in he. Is what is more people

1:32:01

other than it. Is. A visual

1:32:03

Artist. He's an engineer. He's made

1:32:05

a ton of money in taxes

1:32:07

like he is my he's He's

1:32:10

incredible. Ouseley, He's incredible. Wish I

1:32:12

was like this. You know is

1:32:14

my younger brothers who is really

1:32:17

disgusting as what. She. Doesn't

1:32:19

present as an alpha. no one would ever

1:32:21

call him back to Been standard Alfie. That

1:32:23

have the access eyes and has seen me concise.

1:32:26

okay if I had to be shy like about

1:32:28

that. kind of quite like this. I yeah he

1:32:30

ran that kind of my declined David spiciness of

1:32:32

in the meat ness of. This. As

1:32:34

the about the South actually cancelled by himself, he cancer

1:32:36

rates are just as. What I pointed out to sea

1:32:38

by I just not at. And I hate

1:32:41

as in about fitness? Yeah, I.

1:32:43

Am an asshole. Him as a I lay a.

1:32:45

Hand him it's has you got big dick

1:32:47

hackathon like this is not company said that

1:32:49

bad but they be Something about it's meekness.

1:32:51

I find almost uncomfortable. Okay,

1:32:53

I'm with you. Yeah, I'm with you. So.

1:32:57

School or you own it jokes. And the

1:32:59

key is that you know When I think

1:33:01

this is that the beauty of dating is

1:33:03

that you get a chance to know the

1:33:06

characteristics that you are more attracted. Unique characteristics

1:33:08

that you're not am. We also have to

1:33:10

identify the ones that you are most. Attractive,

1:33:13

yeah, because you never get it all, yeah,

1:33:15

and you know, which is why we

1:33:17

say so, may I don't believe in soul

1:33:19

mates, see no? No. Device as I think

1:33:22

in the sense of there's not one

1:33:24

person atheist, he many people. Get said

1:33:26

he and his his to repeat of

1:33:28

the Us. I think the other beauty

1:33:30

in not believe in soul mates is

1:33:32

that you put more tears attention into

1:33:35

your existing relationship because you realize you

1:33:37

know what. Maybe. My.

1:33:39

Wife got she did this to get back

1:33:41

to the that is you know there's little

1:33:43

bit of of and need to put in

1:33:45

the yeah yeah I get the work never

1:33:47

ends and nor does it mean to be

1:33:49

arduous either like he could be you know

1:33:51

phone does he believe that that person's soul

1:33:53

mate and you would become complacent because he's

1:33:55

convince yourself that as we are full of

1:33:57

young women atlanta like that with when slain.

1:34:00

Yeah, what do you think about the hell

1:34:02

are these people get every the opposite of

1:34:04

me that they need to be locked up

1:34:07

but likes just what they were selling. this

1:34:09

idea that there is one person for you

1:34:11

and that you're not supposed to stop and

1:34:13

to that person is. In. Your classes

1:34:16

like that dangerous or me that's why

1:34:18

they have enough would never have access

1:34:20

to not do is a sort of

1:34:22

them Soul mates are are not found

1:34:24

their their created the standpoint of in

1:34:27

in it and the sounds very morbid

1:34:29

with another you ever know. You.

1:34:31

Never know if the person was

1:34:33

the perfect person. yeah I guess

1:34:36

in essence with a soulmate but

1:34:38

you know is they were. You

1:34:42

know if they were good for you? Yeah, and

1:34:44

that's where I think ultimately what we're talking about

1:34:46

his. That's his. long as you have someone who.

1:34:48

You. You know this fundamental things that

1:34:51

you share, share values you have, you

1:34:53

know strong satisfaction with the end of

1:34:55

the have the same goals like you

1:34:57

want to be self man, they want

1:34:59

to be self amongst and the most

1:35:01

importantly they're putting in. The. Once

1:35:03

the effort, the love. Didn't.

1:35:05

Ask someone you walk with for as long

1:35:07

as you kid. Is that different from being in

1:35:10

love with someone? Can you have all of a things

1:35:12

and. Not. Be in love with someone and recognize

1:35:14

that Stay out what you mean. They what's

1:35:16

that? See that what you need but they

1:35:18

might not be. Like what

1:35:20

you once you services were

1:35:23

semantics I think is into

1:35:25

trouble because. Love like. That

1:35:27

was a word. That. Was created.

1:35:30

And. That means that it was given

1:35:32

a definition and at definition then is.

1:35:35

Interpreted in different ways. so that's

1:35:37

why you have to identify what

1:35:39

it is. That. You were seeking

1:35:41

So in that situation I know a lot

1:35:43

of people say so you can be in

1:35:46

love with therefore you're not in the really

1:35:48

i'm sorry you could low power of attorney

1:35:50

and but not be in the relation well

1:35:52

you could have high levels of like were

1:35:55

lovers where you could you could be that

1:35:57

way but. It also opens

1:35:59

up. In relationships to would you

1:36:01

know that it's I am that was

1:36:03

them for although there are a little

1:36:05

bit more. I mean maybe we go

1:36:08

there blame but ultimately so why are

1:36:10

we see like you have to define

1:36:12

these for yourself. The most important aspect

1:36:14

is your self awareness like this is

1:36:16

A and this is why I love

1:36:18

was happening especially with phenomenal podcast like

1:36:20

yours is cause it is empowering. Is.

1:36:23

Literally providing tools in blueprints

1:36:25

for people who may not

1:36:27

be thinking about. Prioritizing.

1:36:31

Themselves yeah are prioritizing their needs.

1:36:33

We'd have having sex with a

1:36:35

partner and choosing. You. Know

1:36:37

I wish had did orgasm but I'm going

1:36:39

to tell you why didn't happen like

1:36:41

that stuff that that's what we need to

1:36:43

be talking about because that then. Allows

1:36:46

you to asserts. You

1:36:48

were self. That is self except

1:36:50

it's that is software. To

1:36:53

that, never think about. Being. In Love.

1:36:55

I think people are like made that mythical like.

1:36:57

I have a say where I think love is

1:36:59

the closest thing we have to magic. And as

1:37:01

I mean magic in a sense of my sight.

1:37:04

Oh letting Amazon have had brought up last. I

1:37:06

mean magic isn't that magician see it's put full

1:37:08

into things to the heck. Nice. If Adidas and

1:37:10

did this and this will happen is working there

1:37:12

for them to get that magic. Nothing that's the

1:37:15

same for not as Watkins out for us to

1:37:17

be Love Mccarthy said love someone is actually quite

1:37:19

easy. I could be the i love you and

1:37:21

sense of I love what you do with yourself.

1:37:23

I love how you whether love how utah of

1:37:26

I love with as that how you have to

1:37:28

hold knowledge are I love. What you're in

1:37:30

suits. But to be enough of these, I'm not

1:37:32

playing on what to be in your home like

1:37:34

I like your house when it when a been

1:37:36

it right? But. The be in that is, I

1:37:38

want to be in your house. I want to put

1:37:41

in work for you to allow me access in choosing

1:37:43

your house ensue your love if that makes sense. Yeah,

1:37:45

I think it's very easy. see. I. Can

1:37:47

love anybody. You are right. yeah because

1:37:49

it as i think we we we should

1:37:51

all i mean you know come by amo

1:37:54

the but we should all love more people

1:37:56

yeah my best i think a big problem

1:37:58

that we have because because of not

1:38:01

loving as many people as we can.

1:38:03

That's where ignorance then creeps up. And

1:38:05

ignorance really is our biggest enemy. Like

1:38:07

ignorance creates all this levels of stress.

1:38:10

And I think, actually, I think stress is our

1:38:13

largest enemy. But a big

1:38:15

driver behind that stress is ignorance. Like

1:38:17

I always say, most people who don't

1:38:19

like you won't not like

1:38:21

you because of you. They

1:38:24

will not like you because

1:38:26

of biases, because of stereotypes,

1:38:28

because of their ignorance. Or

1:38:31

sometimes you project something that they like about themselves

1:38:34

as well. Like you almost hold up a mirror or something

1:38:36

that they wish they could be. And

1:38:38

so they can't be it. So it's just easy. It's

1:38:40

just like, oh, I don't like you. It's easy. Or

1:38:43

they don't like you because they

1:38:45

don't understand your audacity in liking yourself. That

1:38:47

I've always found really weird. It's like, oh, who does she

1:38:49

think? The who does she think she is and as all

1:38:51

this baffles me because, why does

1:38:54

that matter to you? Because she thinks she is. Yeah,

1:38:56

and it shows you the state where we

1:38:58

are in the world where there is a

1:39:00

divide. And it is, I

1:39:03

truly believe a lot of people

1:39:05

just want mediocrity. Like they don't

1:39:07

want, like they don't want

1:39:10

ambitious people out

1:39:12

here trying to achieve audacious

1:39:14

things. I think because we can see so

1:39:17

much of it now, like before we knew ambitious

1:39:19

people existed, but they were over there. We

1:39:21

couldn't see it. But I think that now

1:39:23

we've like, we've bred like this

1:39:25

new group of people because

1:39:28

we can see things in front of us that

1:39:30

like, naturally we could accept that there were people

1:39:32

over there that did this, they were successful, but

1:39:34

it wasn't in your face. Now it's in your

1:39:36

face all the time. Again, it holds up a

1:39:38

mirror to reflect what you thought like you should

1:39:40

be doing. And if you haven't done it, it's

1:39:43

just easier to be angry and to project that

1:39:45

hate onto people. Like we see too much now.

1:39:48

Like as good as it is, I

1:39:50

do think it's also like breeding,

1:39:53

very angry, dysfunctional people.

1:39:55

Yeah. You know,

1:39:57