0:00

Hi everyone. Hello. First

0:02

of all, our sincerest of apologies. It

0:06

is mid-June. And

0:09

we haven't said happy

0:11

pride. Oh my god, yeah, I thought

0:14

you were going to talk about the weather. No, more

0:16

important things, five months. Absolutely.

0:18

Be who you are

0:20

for your pride.

0:23

I know that's right. Do you remember that

0:25

video? It's one of my favorite

0:27

videos when a guy comes out with like a rainbow cookie

0:29

balloon. He was like, happy game, my visual

0:31

game mister. I

0:34

love that video. 10-10

0:36

video. But yeah, hi

0:38

everyone and welcome to

0:40

this week's episode of

0:42

the receipt podcast. The

0:44

thing is, we have enough

0:46

production and funds now to actually do sound

0:49

effects. Yeah, exactly. Like real ones that could

0:51

be implemented. We just use the mouth to

0:53

shout. These are vocal chords. Do you remember

0:55

early days when I used to still add

0:58

the receipts? I

1:00

mean, you did tell Brent to put that back in. I

1:02

think Brent doesn't listen to your instructions. That

1:04

was a couple of years ago. But

1:06

anyway, it is what it is. Hi everyone.

1:09

Welcome to another episode. These are the episodes

1:11

where we guys help you out with your

1:13

dilemmas, your issues or anything you could be

1:15

going through. We are here to help you

1:17

out. Hold your hand

1:19

with this thing that we like to

1:21

call life. I just call you Audrey.

1:23

Do you know

1:26

what? I always kind

1:30

of underestimate how

1:32

much your receipts means to people. Yeah,

1:36

I don't know why. Because I

1:38

don't know why. I always assumed that people would prefer

1:41

the full episodes. Right. Okay. But people are really invested

1:43

in your receipts. I think they should be. And they

1:45

absolutely should be. But it always surprises me when

1:47

people are just like proper, they love it.

1:50

And when we were looking at our stats and stuff,

1:52

your receipts is up there always with the top

1:54

listen to episodes. Mad. But I just thought- Help

1:56

them do you look at our stats? I'm

2:02

just like, are we making the money that should be

2:04

made? I think they even think like, why is someone

2:06

always looking at the data? They probably are. They

2:09

probably are. They're like, this bitch is plotting. What

2:11

the fuck is going on? How are you? Have

2:13

life? I'm really well, babe. I'm

2:15

really, really well. I'm

2:18

trying to think of what's going on. If anything interesting

2:20

has happened in my life lately? Not

2:23

really, but I'm happy. I'm good. The only interesting-ish

2:25

thing that's happened is, this happened to me before

2:27

as well. I was at a party,

2:30

having a good time, which was just, you know,

2:33

and this guy was like staring at me and he was

2:35

an attractive looking man. I was like, this guy is

2:37

cute. Staring, staring, staring. He's walking over. I'm like,

2:40

I still got it. For

2:42

him to say, yo, my wife loves the poetry. Ahh.

2:46

Good for you and your wife. I

2:49

mean, that's great. I was like, great. Oh my gosh,

2:51

you sound amazing. Like

2:53

you picked a good one. I mean, that's

2:55

great and everything for her. I feel happy.

2:57

I have a happy married life. Let

3:00

me even start talking because people think I've got an agenda

3:02

to marriage me anyway. Somebody can't talk again.

3:05

Someone says, we must know someone. I'm not

3:07

feeling with a married man because they felt like we

3:09

were trying to, like, ride in hard for home records

3:11

and stuff, which we do not, by the way. I

3:13

feel like we reiterated that point clearly enough. We were

3:16

just trying to- New ones is lost. New ones is

3:18

situation. Because everyone thought it was a place of pain. Someone

3:20

was like, watch when it happens to you. Okay, and it has happened

3:22

to me. It's been happened to me. And I think she was a

3:24

bad woman overall. It's been happened to me many a time. But

3:27

anyway, I digress. First

3:29

dilemma? First dilemma. Okay. First of

3:31

all, I want to thank you

3:33

two. The way you guys educate,

3:35

care and undoubtedly will is amazing.

3:37

Thank you. The sisterhood you both

3:39

created makes such a difference. Thank you very

3:42

much. Audrey, your band of

3:44

pop points make me laugh. I really think

3:46

you're such an amazing soul. Congratulations on motherhood.

3:48

Your daughter and husband are lucky to have

3:50

you. Oh, I know that's right. Tolly,

3:54

you're an example of self-love to me. I really appreciate

3:56

it. I had no matter the narrative. You show up

3:58

as yourself. And if you ever don't- out your

4:00

thoughts, know you are my influencer for real.

4:02

The space you hold to me is very

4:04

dear. She's really nice.

4:07

I'm really proud of you both. And I've been

4:09

rocking since episode one. Love

4:11

you guys. Thank you. So now

4:15

to make it about me. I'm

4:17

a first generation black African eldest

4:19

daughter of seven. I

4:21

did uni and a master's and I succeeded. I'm

4:23

32 next month now. And I bought my

4:25

own house

4:28

after buying my parents house 2018. No,

4:31

you're a lation. Some of you people are successful,

4:33

man. What was I

4:35

doing at 32? Fuck all me. My

4:39

parents are refugees. And I was the

4:41

admin officer for our family license to

4:43

start. I'm talking translating and setting up

4:45

our council house, as well as bringing

4:47

up the pay bills. I'm truly grateful

4:49

for them for bringing us here and

4:51

allowing us all the opportunities that UK

4:53

brings. In truth, I've built an

4:56

amazing community of village or friends. But

4:58

I can't lie and say I don't crave a

5:01

normal life now with a husband and children. But

5:03

the more dates I go on, I've realised men

5:05

are looking for second men. I

5:07

raised my siblings. I was always a

5:10

tester trying to figure out the boundaries of what UK

5:12

life was. I really worry

5:14

because I've been so in charge and so

5:16

independent that I've left it too late. My

5:19

20s were all about securing safety for

5:21

my family. Now we have three doctors

5:23

and two finance guys and I'm so proud

5:25

of them all. As much as we

5:27

are now financially solid, I often find myself

5:29

jealous that my youngest siblings are married with

5:31

kids in their 20s where I was

5:33

honestly exhausted. They never had to do with

5:36

the cars I was handed. I see

5:38

so many examples of how this has ruined me.

5:40

It's to the point now that I can't stand

5:42

men who take from me emotionally. And I'm terrified

5:45

I'm going to be used to someone else's game

5:47

because I've had it all my life.

5:50

Everywhere I go to I'm constantly asked,

5:52

when are you getting married? To which

5:54

my mother chimes in I'm difficult. My

5:57

family have always placed me on my looks. and

6:00

thought that that would get me to the stuff life

6:02

role. I said, that's all I have to offer. It

6:04

makes me so upset because I literally did everything for

6:06

them to not struggle. I worked since

6:09

16 and got my EMA every week for the

6:11

food shop, no shade, Tony. But it can't be

6:13

late for college. I

6:16

was contributing to the household more so than

6:18

my own father who unfortunately passed in 2021. It's

6:21

disgusting, but his passing also gave me some relief

6:23

because he often saw me as an ATM, aren't

6:26

they? There are really embarrassing examples

6:28

of my jealousy of my siblings. For example, they

6:30

got driver lessons. They got to go on trips

6:32

with school. All things I cried and dreamed about

6:34

and was told no. I didn't

6:36

want to create the image that parents didn't

6:38

love me and I was Cinderella. However, I

6:40

feel so much resentment currently and like I

6:43

wasted my life making sure everybody was okay

6:45

to my detriment. I'm ashamed to admit

6:47

this. Now I've completed my

6:49

duties. I feel like I can't start the

6:51

life I've always saved. My friends are mostly

6:53

married with kids and I'm here successful but

6:55

still alone. My question is, what

6:58

do you do when you're giving everything and

7:00

now nothing is for yourself? How do

7:02

I stop concealing this bitterness? I really

7:04

love my family, but I think the

7:06

pressure that was set upon me has

7:09

made me such a jealous person. I'm

7:11

part of my accomplishments, but I feel

7:13

they were never really for me. I'm

7:15

just doing my duty. Now I'm here

7:17

and really afraid. I'm going to be alone

7:19

forever. When everyone else is thriving.

7:22

Thank you for reading this. And again, Tolly, don't get at

7:24

me for being on time and getting that place.

7:27

I'm telling you, all my love, your loyal

7:29

listener. There's

7:31

so much one pack there because there's

7:34

a lot going on. First of all, what

7:37

you said about living the

7:39

life that you want to live, you absolutely

7:42

can live that life. You have to start now. You

7:45

have dedicated so much of

7:47

your childhood essentially and

7:49

a lot of your young

7:51

adult life to put in your family first so

7:53

that they can all be in better

7:56

positions. It seems like everybody

7:58

has got their shit together. Everybody's happy. you're

8:00

doing and you definitely have to like pat yourself on

8:02

the back, that now's the time to start being selfish.

8:04

I've got a feeling that you're not selfish. I

8:06

yeah, I've got a feeling that she's

8:08

still censoring everybody else, putting everybody else's

8:10

needs ahead of her own. And

8:13

even if everybody wasn't set up, you've done

8:15

enough. And it was never really your job

8:17

anyway. You were kind of assigned this role

8:19

that should have never been your responsibility, but

8:21

we're here now. But now it really

8:23

genuinely is time to start being selfish. And when I

8:25

say that I'm not, you know, like sometimes

8:27

you can say things and it's just talk, but

8:29

like, I really mean it when I say like

8:31

the boundaries have to start going up so that

8:33

you can live the life that you want and you

8:36

deserve. And I feel like if

8:38

you're still doing things for your family, which I feel

8:40

like you are, of course you're going to still harbor

8:43

resentment because it's been a hindrance to

8:45

you living your own life. So I really, really

8:47

want you to be selfish. Be

8:50

so proud for what you've accomplished. 32,

8:53

to what your parents' home to have

8:55

like, helped your siblings out to still

8:58

have established a career for yourself.

9:00

Like that is, that

9:02

is fucking amazing. Like give yourself your flowers,

9:04

but do the things that make you happy,

9:06

whether it means travel, whether it means shopping sprees,

9:08

whether it means going out and living your best

9:10

life with your friends. But I really want you

9:12

to be active in that and not just

9:14

like say it, but put the boundaries up with

9:17

the family members. I know it's easier said than

9:19

done, but you're going to have to start saying

9:21

no to them so that you can put yourself

9:23

first. Like I just really want you to center

9:25

your happiness first and foremost. Yeah. Um,

9:27

there's so many interesting points to this. Cause one

9:29

of the things I find really interesting is this

9:32

like, um, being the first

9:34

born, I always show can you be like, Oh,

9:36

whatever. Cause I'm the last one, but I understand the

9:38

burden of being your favorite, your parents, social determinants.

9:41

Cause as much as you're, they're

9:43

figuring it out, but they don't actually understand that

9:46

you're also just figuring it out. I don't fucking

9:48

know what it is to be in, in, in

9:50

black in England, either. They don't know how to

9:52

raise you. Like, like you are literally like they're

9:54

testing ground. And I think a lot of first

9:56

born, that's why there was such a burden on

9:58

them. their parents put a

10:01

burden on them and then they have younger siblings,

10:03

you've got six younger siblings, there's a lot of

10:05

people and you're now a woman, you're now like

10:07

so I understand that burden of it and I

10:09

like you've done an amazing job, there are many

10:11

of you useless first fools like just don't take

10:13

that and it's not even so useless, so just

10:15

don't take that responsibility and yes sure whoever, who's

10:17

going to beat them because they don't actually have to

10:19

so I think you should be proud of that.

10:22

One, the whole time I was reading this it's like

10:24

you're still here, I feel

10:26

like you're talking about your life is done, you're

10:28

talking like oh and they've got to do this

10:30

and I'm just here and you are 32, you

10:32

could be writing this to me at 60 and

10:34

I'd be like you're still here, there is still

10:36

enough time to like change things around, I'm fascinated

10:38

by this thing

10:41

that successful women have which is like oh

10:43

I spent so much time on my success

10:45

that maybe I wasted it and think about

10:47

relationships, you still you have the time to

10:49

do it now, like

10:52

you're still here, do it now, like

10:54

do all the things that you want to do now,

10:56

date around and it's going to be frustrating, no one

10:58

says dating is fun all the time but like take

11:00

it for all it is, okay the same energy you

11:02

put into your success, you put into this, put it

11:05

into your relationship which you wanted to. Yeah you have

11:07

that in her doesn't you? Yeah you have it in

11:09

there and I know it's harder because the thing I

11:11

always find difficult about relationships and trying to find a

11:13

partner is that everything else

11:16

really you can do for yourself right, you

11:18

can work hard, you know what to do but

11:20

there's no set rules to find you know good partner,

11:22

there's no set rules to find a good man blah blah

11:24

blah, I'm aware of that but you can put effort into

11:26

it if it's something that you want, you know what

11:28

I mean so I don't, I feel

11:30

like you're talking like you've given up, yeah she definitely

11:33

is and I'm going to need you to arise like

11:35

stand up, you still have life

11:37

as long as there's breath left in your lungs

11:39

there are things for you to do to change

11:41

your life like I don't think you should accept this

11:43

like well I guess I have success

11:46

and no love, yeah

11:48

exactly doesn't have to be either, those

11:50

things can exist like simultaneously and

11:52

like you know what I'm not being funny

11:54

I would love to have like gotten

11:57

my life together and be

11:59

in a position to be able to like just focus on love now. Do

12:01

you know what I mean? Like some people are trying to do it

12:03

at the same time. Some people ain't got shit. Do you know what

12:05

I mean? Some people haven't even got, they haven't accomplished a single

12:07

thing in this life. Like you've done all of

12:09

these amazing things. And like Felice said, like you've

12:11

still got so much life in the festival. 32

12:14

you're a baby girl. You're still so,

12:16

so, so young. But I also understand

12:18

what she was saying about the bitterness and

12:20

like, and like feeling dead. That is completely

12:22

normal. I'm so happy that you accepted it.

12:25

Because I think some people so want to

12:27

like act like they haven't accepted it. But

12:29

it is a normal emotion. All

12:32

emotions are valid. It's just what you do with it.

12:34

I think it's very normal for you to feel jealous

12:36

towards people who have things that you want. I think

12:38

jealousy is a really good sign to show you what

12:40

it is you actually want. That's one

12:42

of the best things about jealousy. Because there's many things that

12:44

people have that I don't give a fuck about. I'm not

12:47

jealous of it. It's good for you. I don't want it.

12:49

Yeah. So I think it's a really good standpoint to be

12:51

like, Hey, this is what you want. That's why you feel

12:53

the way about it. And you're not going to be the

12:55

first to feel so kind of jealous towards your sibling doesn't

12:57

make you a bad person. As long as you're not like,

13:00

not showing up for them because you're not going to anything.

13:02

If there were some days that like, I

13:04

actually cannot go to another baby shower. I

13:06

actually cannot go to another wedding. This

13:09

do what you need. Like, it's absolutely,

13:11

it's absolutely and I'm saying to you for

13:13

someone that is from experience. I'm 34. A

13:15

lot of my friends are married with kids.

13:17

There's sometimes I'm just not doing it. I

13:20

said, no, someone's I'll come to this neighborhood, you know, partners. I'm

13:22

not coming. I'm just not doing

13:25

it to myself anymore. Yeah. Well, you shouldn't have to be

13:27

in any way. You just, you don't have to do it

13:29

to yourself. It doesn't make you a bad person. Trust me.

13:31

I get it. I get it.

13:34

But I'm like, I really get it. I'm sorry. I'm

13:36

never going to tell you don't send to men. It's

13:39

not, it's not about sense to a man. It's about

13:41

sensing what it is that you want and something that

13:43

you claim you want a family, you want a partner.

13:45

That's absolutely okay. But I really need you to stop

13:47

talking. Like your life is done. Also

13:50

relationships are not a reward for doing good in life.

13:52

It's not because I've done this,

13:54

I've bought this house. I've done this. It's a lie

13:56

that they tell you. It's a lie. You could

13:58

have bought 10 houses. Exactly. It's a

14:00

lie. You can have a fuck all and you

14:03

can still be... And you still hate exactly. It

14:05

really is a draw of the luck with that.

14:07

It's just about being in the right place at the right

14:09

time. I just encourage you to live. But yeah, but the

14:11

more you live, the more you're exposed to

14:13

people who, you know, you just

14:15

never know. The more exposure to people you have, just

14:18

the higher the chances are, essentially. But like,

14:20

I'll just leave it on this note. I

14:22

just want you to just start being selfish.

14:24

It seems, not seems like it. You have

14:26

been putting everybody else first since you were

14:28

a young child. You're in a privileged position

14:30

now to be able to have the funds

14:32

and have the resources and have like the big things

14:35

like picked off your list. Like some people that haven't

14:37

bought homes and not everybody will. Do you know what

14:39

I mean? You can at least say you've done those

14:41

things. And if you want to dedicate some time and

14:43

focus on, you know, finding the things that you feel

14:45

like are going to make you truly happy, do that.

14:47

And if it means that you have to say

14:49

no to people in your family, so be it. Everybody's set

14:51

now. So you've done more than

14:54

enough. You're carrying that on your head because

14:56

you feel like there's still more work to do for

14:58

your family. Like I'm here to tell you,

15:00

you have done more than your fair share. Like

15:02

you had a massive burden and responsibility that you

15:04

shouldn't have had, but it feels like you've accepted that it is

15:06

what it is and it's worked out for the best.

15:09

So, you know, three doctors and three

15:11

finance people. And that's amazing. Do you

15:13

know what I mean? And siblings that are married with kids

15:15

and all the rest of it. And do you know what?

15:17

You might look at them and kind of crave what they

15:19

have. They probably feel the same way about you. Like everybody,

15:22

everybody wants something at the end of the day. So I say

15:24

that to say you're not the only person that wants

15:26

things. You're not the only person that feels envious of

15:28

other things that people have. So I don't want you

15:30

to like beat yourself up over that emotion because it's

15:33

very normal. I just want you to

15:35

live, travel, go out, live your best

15:37

life, do whatever it is you need

15:39

to do. Whatever you put into them, start pointing to you. Or the

15:41

effort you put into them, start pointing back into you. Like you're still

15:43

here. Please

15:47

stop talking as if to say, oh wow, this life is over

15:49

for me. As if they're saying some more, we have to pack up

15:51

and leave. And then also just to address the point

15:53

that she made about trying to find someone. She doesn't want

15:55

to be with a guy that's just a baby. Completely valid.

16:00

He said, he said, keep searching for things

16:02

that are high vibrational, like don't lower your

16:04

standards. Do you know what I mean? Like you're

16:06

a high vibrational person. Keep exuding that and eventually

16:08

it will come back to you. If you start

16:10

to settle, you know, you're

16:13

going to resent them even more. So

16:15

don't, don't settle. Don't just accept anybody

16:17

for the sake of it. If that's a criteria

16:19

of yours that you don't want a mommy's boy, you don't want

16:22

something you're going to have to like look after and pick up

16:24

after and all the rest of it. You shouldn't have to do

16:26

that. And there is a guy out there who is very independent,

16:28

who's going to be the right match for you. Yeah. And

16:31

practice your softness with when you're done. Practice that like, oh, I'm a dog. I don't

16:33

know. Fucking. Yeah. Do

16:36

it from early. Let's sit at the phone from early money.

16:38

What is that? How is that done? Ain't even got a

16:40

pot to piss in the garden today. I don't. Yeah. Practice

16:43

your softness with them. Because

16:45

they say that men do, what's that thing that they do? Selective.

16:51

Oh my God. What is that phrase? There's

16:54

a phrase where men select, select for

16:56

something where they pretend that they can't do things to you.

16:58

Stop. Oh, it's something.

17:00

Ignorance. Select something. I can't

17:02

remember. It's basically where men pretend

17:04

that they can't do certain things or they

17:07

get it incoherent, selective incoherent. Yeah. So

17:10

you stop asking them to do it and eventually you just

17:12

do it. Women should do the same thing. Yeah. Do

17:15

you know what I mean? Practice the same thing. Like, oh, you

17:17

know, be soft and all of that stuff so that

17:19

you can attract the person you want, man. Let

17:22

him do it for you. Right. Next time. Next

17:24

time. Let's go. Hey, girl.

17:27

I love what you do with this platform. So like the sisters I've

17:29

never had giving great advice and

17:32

laughs, like everyone said, I never thought I'd

17:34

be writing in. And that's really because you've answered

17:36

a lot of my dilemmas through others. I'm

17:38

a 28 year old black girl living in Australia.

17:41

I've been with my boyfriend for three years and it all

17:43

started off from a friendship twice as long. I

17:45

can truly say I'm dating my best friend. Nice.

17:48

He is the most caring,

17:50

intelligent, adventurous, nonjudgmental, attentive, gentle,

17:52

funny and beautiful man I've ever

17:55

been with. It was a no brainer getting

17:57

him out of the friend zone. We've also.

18:00

confided in each other on our deepest

18:02

hurt and insecurities. Well, so I

18:04

thought so. He

18:06

just confessed that he's cheated on me with someone he

18:08

met at work. Twice.

18:12

He says he's been depressed for ages and just

18:15

couldn't get his mind right. He was

18:17

unhappy, not just with us, but with everything. He

18:19

said it felt easy to open up to someone who didn't

18:22

judge him. He cried and

18:24

expressed remorse. Days before confessing,

18:26

he had gotten into fits of rage,

18:28

telling me how judgmental, disrespectful, cold, and

18:30

unwelcoming I was. Don't forget I'm really quick. Exactly.

18:33

Don't fucking project it on me. I

18:35

received it all because it was true. And

18:38

he had told me some of this before. He

18:40

says she listened and she didn't belittle him like I

18:42

did. He says I remind him

18:45

of his mum and how she used

18:47

to mistreat him and understand him.

18:49

Oh, you're taking a lot on. Exactly. That's a

18:51

lot of like, anyway,

18:54

I've been cheated on by all my exes and

18:56

begged them all to stay, which they didn't. And

18:59

with this one, nothing different. I've

19:01

barely cried. I've just, persevered, persevered.

19:03

There's a very rare date. I

19:06

don't know what that was. On how I led

19:08

him into another woman's arms. Oh, no. He isn't

19:10

sure if he wants to be with anyone. He's

19:12

trying to cope with his depression. But he knows

19:14

he loves me and doesn't want me to be

19:16

with anyone else. Fuck him. Yeah,

19:18

he is worried we are too different. I feel stupid

19:20

to say in this, but the girl he wants me

19:22

to be is someone I've always wanted to be. So

19:25

I'm willing to put in the work. What

19:27

kind of flip reverse is this? He's got

19:29

a good job here. He promised he'd give

19:31

it a proper try to rekindle. What?

19:34

He's not a good kid. No. But I

19:36

don't know. Maybe he's trying to let me down

19:39

slowly. Is it possible to truly be this understanding?

19:41

Is it wrong that I want him to stand

19:43

to give him? I want to

19:45

be softer and more feminine. Is it possible to change,

19:47

help a girl out? I want this to work. Thanks

19:50

for getting through this long dilemma. First

19:52

of all, it wasn't even that long. Okay. I

19:55

don't want to act like you are

19:57

not the problem at all and

19:59

pacify you. and be like, no, you know,

20:01

you're great. I don't know you. You may be

20:03

a raging bitch. Like, you know, no, but

20:05

it's true. I don't know. No,

20:09

I'm fine. Your friends will tell you they've less

20:11

your problems. And I want to be like, I

20:13

see it. You're the

20:16

drama. You are the drama. You are the issues. I don't

20:18

want to pacify you. But

20:20

you're never the issue when it comes to cheating. I

20:22

don't think. Okay, cool. I've done this. I'm not like

20:25

this. I've been like that for a very long time.

20:27

Leave me for my personality. Leave me

20:29

because you're like, hey, this is not the version of

20:31

a person that I want to be with. I don't

20:33

want to be with someone like this. But don't then

20:35

cheat on me and tell me it's because of me.

20:37

I think that's so unkind. I think it's me. I

20:39

think it's a lie. And I think it's really fucking

20:41

cowardly. You cheat because you

20:44

want to see somebody else was there and

20:46

you have no discipline

20:49

because you couldn't just left me. Like you

20:51

don't get to punish me because you don't like my

20:54

behavior by cheating on me. Exactly. And then telling me

20:56

I was all my fault. And then me, mugging's over

20:58

here is now begging you to say, all the things

21:02

you want to be, you want to be soft, you want

21:04

to be feminine. You can be that. It's just not with this

21:06

man. He doesn't even fucking deserve it from you. Absolutely.

21:09

He's done such a good job in,

21:12

you know what I'm looking for? He's

21:14

saying, yeah. Did you get

21:16

what he's saying? He's done such

21:18

a good job at your fucking fucking saying,

21:26

yeah. And it's not, he's cheating on you. He is the wrong one.

21:28

And I hear it. I need to beg

21:37

the man that's cheating. I know. Pass

21:39

the sick bucket. I was that person

21:41

too. I said please. And

21:43

I'm looking at the girl to see like who

21:45

she is and what she does better than me.

21:48

God. Oh my God. I

21:51

have done all of that so you never have to.

21:53

It is actually very okay. I get what you mean that

21:55

you want to be a softer person. Maybe, just maybe he

21:57

doesn't bring that out of you. I

22:00

think it's people that being sent character traits out of

22:02

you, he's not the one to do this for. Definitely.

22:04

Take time out and like take time out and try

22:07

to figure out, not why people cheat on you, why

22:09

you're begging them to stay. After they're done with, then

22:11

that's you. Word, word, word, word, word, word, word. Like who

22:13

said the other person said, what is your self worth? Word,

22:15

word, word, word. That's what I'll say.

22:18

That's beautiful. I'm begging this one. I don't really have that

22:21

much to add, but what I will say is that

22:23

it feels like, remember at the top of the email,

22:25

she was saying that they share their deepest secrets. I

22:27

feel like he knows a lot about your past relationships

22:29

and things that have happened before and

22:31

your insecurities and now he's weaponizing it

22:34

against you to justify his despicable behavior.

22:36

Like Tony said, you can

22:38

be all of those things. Like I'm, again, I'm not here

22:40

to sit here and say that you're, you

22:42

have no accountability to take either. No

22:45

one is flawless in a relationship at the end of

22:47

the day, but now's not the time to have that

22:49

conversation. And I really hate it when people jump on

22:51

a bandwagon when the time is not appropriate. He thought

22:54

you were all of these things. You should have said

22:56

it earlier. Don't fucking cheat on me

22:58

and then have the audacity to bring it up at a time

23:00

where you should be apologetic. At the end of the day, he

23:02

broke the trust in the relationship. So what we're dealing

23:04

with now is the trust. We're not dealing with all

23:06

your other personality flaws and all the rest of it.

23:09

If you had a problem with it, why were you

23:11

friends for 20 years? Why were you friends

23:13

for so long? And he didn't have an issue

23:15

with all of your characteristics then suddenly he's got

23:17

an issue when it comes to something he's done

23:19

wrong. And I have a very serious problem with

23:21

that. So I even question whether any of

23:24

that stuff he's saying is valid because it

23:26

feels very convenient. His timing seems very convenient

23:28

because I don't understand why he's had you

23:30

in his life if you're all of these

23:32

things. But like Toni said, I

23:35

don't want you to be softer and feminine to get this guy

23:37

back. If you want to be softer and feminine, do it for

23:39

yourself. Do you know what I mean? Do it because you just

23:41

want to be that way because you

23:43

want to offload. It's hard

23:45

being tough all the time. I get it. If

23:48

you want to be softer and just be easier for

23:50

your own self, for your own mental health, then do it.

23:52

But he is not the person that you need to be

23:54

changing for. There's absolutely no

23:56

reason why someone cheats on you. And again,

23:59

we're both talking experience. There's no reason why

24:01

someone cheats on you and you're begging them back. Take

24:03

account when you take on what you've done. In this

24:05

moment, we're talking about cheating. Like, you

24:07

flipping it and talking about my characteristics

24:09

in this moment. I'm sorry, that is

24:12

so horrible. Exactly. It's

24:14

like, fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. You

24:20

have to be so careful with guys that know language

24:23

and guys that know things because they

24:26

will use those plays to their benefit.

24:28

And sometimes I really struggle with how much of

24:30

that is true versus how much you just regurgitate

24:32

because this is just a script for what you

24:34

say when you've been caught. Oh, I just want

24:36

to see if I've still got it. Oh, she

24:39

did this. Oh, she did that. He should absolutely

24:41

not be putting any of this shit on you. And

24:43

I definitely don't think that this is a healthy relationship.

24:45

You should break up and see the depression. Exactly. It's

24:47

happy to do with your thing. Exactly. I think that

24:49

you should not be with this person and the fact

24:51

that you're trying to transport yourself into someone else to

24:54

make this person that's cheated on you happy

24:56

is very, very problematic. Like, the person that

24:58

you're supposed to be with is supposed to

25:00

accept you in your entirety. You shouldn't

25:02

have to mold yourself to fit another

25:05

person or his ideal, the ideal version

25:07

of what he wants you to be. So

25:10

this relationship to me is over. It's very unhealthy.

25:12

Like, when you start questioning who

25:14

you are as a person, like

25:17

totally was saying, your self value feels

25:19

very low to be doing that. And like,

25:21

I feel like you need to be alone. You need to work

25:24

on yourself, get to the bottom of the things that you

25:26

need to change so that you can go forth and

25:28

have healthy relationships because this one ain't it. And not

25:30

everyone has to be soft and feminine. I don't know

25:32

what PR they're doing at the moment, but you can

25:34

be a hard bitch. Exactly. And still be

25:36

lovable. Exactly. And still be

25:38

lovable. Please don't let them trick you that you have to

25:40

be your, oh, mama, mama, mama. And most of the time, those

25:43

women usually are the ones that, listen, you'll

25:45

get into it every day. Listen, bro, like, yeah,

25:47

that whole perception of what femininity looks like, it's

25:54

a little bit warped anyway, because what does that even

25:56

mean? A lot of the time, especially for men, it just

25:58

means that you're. your meek

26:00

and you don't have like, exactly shut up

26:02

and you put up and don't like have

26:05

a backbone. Are you not feminine or are

26:07

you someone that stands up for yourself? Men

26:10

will conflate the two and put it back onto

26:12

you until you're not feminine. But does

26:15

their femininity look like weakness? Ask

26:17

yourself that. And that's what it is. It's meekness

26:19

is yes sir. There's strength in femininity. So

26:22

the fact that people are trying to remove

26:24

that from femininity so that women shut up

26:26

and get back in their faces does not

26:28

sit well with me. Because I feel like

26:30

me being able to stand up for myself is

26:32

for heart my femininity. It's part of femininity. Femininity

26:34

isn't just sitting there and just accepting bullshit and

26:36

just being soft and placid. Not at all

26:39

there's strength in femininity so please don't

26:42

let men come and weaponise that because that's like supposed

26:44

to be for us even though we all have masculine and

26:46

feminine energy. But yeah I think she should definitely leave that.

26:48

Fuck this guy leaving and stop begging him back. Even

26:51

if she wants to just I have every

26:53

bit of self respect definitely. Because how

26:55

can you cheat on me and now I'm the one

26:58

thinking about how can I change to what? To be

27:00

better for you. Are you mad? I feel like a

27:02

man so fucking bad. They go drink beer. Yeah exactly.

27:04

Do you know what I mean? Go and speak to

27:06

a therapist if you want someone to listen to you. Play

27:09

football and bang your chest.

27:12

Leave me alone. Right next

27:14

time Emma. Hey ladies. This

27:17

is a long one so I give the flowers quick.

27:20

I've been a listener since episode 50 and I

27:22

do all this podcasts and break with you. Thank

27:25

you for being there during my loneliest days

27:27

and I hope success and blessings keep coming

27:29

your way. Amen. Now onto my dilemma. It

27:32

sounds awful and I have so much guilt saying this

27:34

but I don't know if to break up with my

27:36

partner due to his health issues. For

27:39

context I'm a 32 year old

27:42

woman and my partner is 37. We've been together

27:44

for seven years and it's been great. I

27:46

love him with all of my heart and

27:48

he has absolutely changed my life for the

27:50

better in so many ways. However,

27:55

he suffers from

27:57

really bad osmosis. It's

28:00

a condition he's had since birth, but

28:02

it's only started showing up around five years ago.

28:04

Yeah, it comes up in your 30s. It

28:07

covers 80% of his body and is

28:09

so unexplained most of the time, meaning

28:12

he's constantly in discomfort. When

28:14

I tell you he has tried everything to

28:16

get rid of it, I really mean it.

28:18

Crazy strict diet programs, supplements, light therapy, lotions

28:20

and potions, you name it. He's so dedicated

28:23

to fixing it, but it keeps coming back

28:25

and it's been particularly aggressive in

28:27

the last six months. My

28:30

dilemma is, it's interfering about a relationship.

28:33

We haven't had sex for almost a year because

28:35

he's just not in the mood, which is totally

28:37

understandable. But at this point, it's beginning to feel

28:39

like where we meet. He

28:41

often just wants to sit down so he can

28:43

feel comfortable and try to forget about him. I

28:46

support him wholeheartedly and really hate to see him

28:48

in pain due to the flare up, but I

28:50

feel like the romance has gone.

28:52

Also, selfishly, I get

28:54

frustrated with having to heave with the blouse

28:56

daily because his skin is shedding. Burden is

28:58

always stained with blood as his skin breaks

29:00

so easily. I can put on

29:03

a fresh sheet and the next morning they're stained.

29:05

It just means I'm constantly in a space of

29:07

cleaning up and it's already quite a muddy person.

29:09

It's tiresome. I also pray for

29:11

the future if we decide to have kids and

29:13

what if they inherit it from him? What if

29:15

he continues to have this issue and I'm burdened

29:17

with more of the care for the baby because

29:20

he's suffering too much? It also

29:22

has given me arthritis. We've

29:24

given him arthritis, which can

29:26

be a side effect. So I worry more

29:28

about labour intensive. So

29:31

I worry more about labour intensive

29:33

tasks. He also doesn't drive

29:35

again, leaving more responsibility to me as a

29:37

sole driver. I might be

29:39

completely selfish by worrying about the future in

29:41

our relationship. I'd like to think that if

29:43

I had a long-term health condition, he would

29:45

stay by my side. I feel absolutely terrible

29:47

for having these feelings. I just want

29:50

him to be happy and comfortable, but at the

29:52

same time, I have needs. I feel like I'm

29:54

missing out on things I would be experiencing in

29:56

other relationships like intimacy or like going out more.

29:58

We used to go cycling. water sports

30:00

which you can't do anymore because of

30:02

this. I often find myself daydreaming about

30:04

previous relationships or made up scenarios just

30:06

inject some romance and fun back into

30:08

my life. I'm conscious that my

30:11

body clock is ticking so I can't wait around

30:13

forever for him to get ready for

30:15

life. I just absolutely

30:17

hate that this disease has taken over

30:19

his life and I wish I could

30:21

take it away. I love him so

30:23

much and I feel very unfulfilled but

30:25

I feel very unfulfilled in this relationship

30:28

currently. Any advice is appreciated for me,

30:30

Tehvi. Do you know what? That's just,

30:32

that one's really bothered me man because it's one

30:34

of them ones like I really see by

30:36

side. So rice is no joke, my dad has

30:38

it and it is something that tends to flare

30:40

up in your face. Some people have it from

30:43

birth but most people flare up in their face

30:45

and that happens to my dad and on a

30:47

bad day it can be unbearable. Like my dad

30:49

pretty much lives in Ghana now because the son really

30:51

helps so I understand from his

30:53

perspective because I've seen it first hand and my dad doesn't

30:55

even have it like that severely. But

30:57

I've seen what it can look like

31:00

when flare-ups occur and how uncomfortable it

31:02

can be and I can only imagine for a

31:04

young person, you know, 37 is already

31:06

young, how much of a

31:08

hindrance and an interference it can be to your life.

31:10

Like I feel so sorry

31:12

for him but at the same

31:14

time I feel sorry for her as well because

31:17

every point that she's made is completely valid.

31:19

Like and you know I was gonna

31:21

say like do you sit in

31:23

love with him and at the end she said that

31:25

she does but still loves him so much but she's

31:27

missing out on really key things in

31:30

a relationship that you absolutely deserve that

31:32

you absolutely deserve to have and it's frustrating

31:34

because they said they've tried everything. So this

31:36

is a really tricky kind of

31:39

like moral moral dilemma. If

31:43

it were me,

31:46

honestly if it were me and I'm not

31:48

saying this is right or wrong I'm just saying what I think I

31:50

would do in the situation. If I still

31:52

loved him I think I would say. I

31:54

know I would say. Yeah I think

31:56

I would say because this is so

31:59

awesome. is out of people's control.

32:01

But this is like so out of his control. And

32:04

when you were describing how much of like a

32:06

hindrance it's been to his life, I

32:09

can't, I would just hate to think

32:11

that the one kind of consistent person I've got

32:14

in my life is I'm

32:16

also going to lose them. It's

32:18

because I'm thinking as him. Because

32:20

honestly, there's no wrong thing to do here.

32:23

If you leave, you're right. Yeah, you're right. There's no

32:25

wrong thing to do. You just need to decide for

32:27

yourself what it is that you can take everybody has

32:29

their limits. If you're like, you know what, if

32:32

everything else feels more important to you

32:34

than this relationship, then leave, if like

32:36

having kids in the future, if having like

32:38

a version of life where you're out

32:40

and about you get to do things

32:42

with your partner, you're not wrong, whatever

32:44

you do, by the way, I think

32:46

I'm putting myself as him. And if

32:48

someone if I was sick, got to

32:50

bed and someone didn't stay, I'll

32:53

get it. But also now yeah, and it's because

32:55

of this. Yeah, outside of actually talks about nothing

32:57

else being in a man. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. It's

33:00

this thing that it's like, and it's a big

33:02

thing, by the way, it's a big obstacle. I'm

33:04

not trying to like minimize it at all. But

33:06

I think that like, I

33:08

don't know if she's tried, because I feel like

33:10

there's little things that they can she can do

33:13

to perhaps see if it makes an improvement. Right.

33:15

So I know he's very uncomfortable, and he probably doesn't

33:17

feel secure, and he just probably doesn't feel good in

33:19

his body to like, be intimate and stuff like that.

33:21

But other things that she mentioned, like the cleaning

33:24

up after the shedding skin, maybe things like that

33:26

you can talk to him about. If

33:29

you can take that sort of labor off

33:31

you, just little things here and there that she

33:33

mentioned, like, I do definitely think it's worth speaking

33:36

to him about how you feel to see where his

33:38

head is at. Do you know what, sometimes people are

33:40

sick, and they also want you to go, you know,

33:43

that's also very much like a

33:46

possibility. I just yeah, no,

33:48

it's really, really sad. It's so sad. And like this

33:51

one is just really bothering me. But I

33:53

think it is worth having a very frank

33:56

and honest conversation with him as well. resentment

34:00

doesn't feel as empty way as it is, just to be like,

34:02

because I think that's the thing, you're just gonna feel

34:04

resentful. And resentment just keeps building,

34:07

keeps building, and it's just horrible. When there's someone

34:09

sticking, leaving a partner when they're going

34:11

through something is, it just feels like

34:13

you're some bad guy. But also,

34:15

your feelings are valid, and if you honestly

34:17

feel like I can't take it, and this is not

34:19

the life I imagined for myself, you can

34:21

leave and you should leave. I totally agree with what

34:24

you said about there, there's no right or

34:26

wrong answer. It's just how strongly you

34:28

feel about the whole thing. Because

34:31

you can absolutely still go on and have kids. I mean,

34:33

obviously, if you're not being intimate, but I

34:36

don't know how you get around the

34:38

sex thing, but you can absolutely

34:40

have children with someone that's got psoriasis. None

34:43

of my siblings and I, and none of us have

34:45

inherited it. They say it comes around your 30s, so

34:47

I was like, oh, we're all in our 30s now,

34:49

no one seems to have had it. So it is very

34:52

possible that your children won't have it. But

34:55

I get it, it's something to think about, but

34:57

I think she

34:59

should talk to him, see,

35:01

offload, like offload, but like. Oh,

35:04

you're such a problem, I can't say to blood, I love you, but like, you

35:06

finally think it's a bit hard at the moment. It's also

35:08

a bit full on. Yeah, leave from a place of love.

35:10

Yeah, yeah, yeah, and I think he would probably understand

35:12

that. Yeah, definitely. And then we see where we go

35:15

with that. Yeah, I think. But I don't think she,

35:17

I don't think she'll burn that, she'll be carried in

35:19

quiet and silence, because resentment will build. As in, soon

35:21

this man will breathe and you want to punch him in

35:23

his face. Exactly, and the thing is, you're going to feel so bad

35:25

because he's going through what he's going through. There's resentment and there's resentment

35:27

that is going to come back to bite you in the bum. Yeah,

35:29

yeah, yeah. Do you know what I mean? And that kind of resentment

35:31

is horrible, because it's like, you're going to feel

35:33

so shit, because you feel these things which are

35:36

valid, but at the same time, it's based

35:38

off of someone who's going through so much, and

35:40

the only way to kind of like ease that is to talk

35:42

to him. And at the end of the day, you're in a

35:45

relationship, like times are going to

35:47

be hard in relationships, and sometimes we have to have very

35:49

difficult conversations with the people that we

35:51

love, but ultimately it's for the betterment

35:53

of the relationship, and you'll get some

35:55

sort of closure either way, you know,

35:58

whether he might turn around and be...

36:00

like, you know what, I just want to, I just want to

36:02

suffer in silence. I've been waiting for you to say something. I

36:04

want you to go and live like,

36:06

I want to let you go. Like some people actually are like that.

36:09

They're like, you know what, go live your life. I want to

36:11

deal with this on my own. And maybe he was waiting for

36:13

you to instigate it. Or if there's a world where he's like,

36:15

what can I do to make it better? And you start

36:17

to implement those changes and make your relationship stronger. I don't

36:20

know. But I feel like a lot of it needs

36:22

to come from conversation. But I think if it

36:24

were me, I, I don't think I

36:26

would leave if I still love the person if you fall

36:28

in love with them. That's completely different. But yeah, you said

36:30

at the end of the email, you still love him. So

36:33

I think it's wifi inform. Um, I really do. Yeah,

36:35

absolutely. Next time. Next

36:37

time. I'm off. Let's go. Hi,

36:40

ladies. It wouldn't be right

36:42

if I didn't give you your well-deserved flowers for

36:45

what you've given black and brown women in the

36:47

UK. During COVID at the age of 18, listening

36:49

to you help me feel less alone in such an isolated

36:51

time. Now I'm 22, a

36:54

mother and a lot less lonely and still looking

36:56

forward to Wednesdays. And now Mondays too. I will try

36:59

and keep it short, but I do have

37:01

a tendency to waffle. So I'll definitely have

37:03

to try and condense this story in order

37:05

to get practical advice.

37:07

Long story short, I borrowed the father

37:09

of my child who is also my

37:11

boyfriend, a thousand pounds as he recently

37:13

had car issues. And at the same

37:16

time had a significant financial loss that was

37:18

through no fault of his own. We live

37:20

together and usually is playing the provider role

37:22

in our relationship. And finance has never been

37:24

an issue for us since I fell pregnant.

37:26

I stopped working and he has been supporting us

37:28

since the baby has been born. We've

37:31

been together three years and I've never been

37:33

abroad, although he's been on holiday with his

37:35

friends twice in our relationship already. He told

37:37

me a few days ago, he may be

37:39

going on another holiday with his friends, which

37:41

hurts me because I feel like he never

37:43

puts me fast and chooses to go on holiday with

37:45

everyone but me even though I would be able to

37:47

pay for myself. So finance for this isn't an issue.

37:50

After having his baby, I would have

37:52

thought he wouldn't want to go on

37:54

holiday with his boys eight weeks after having a baby.

37:56

And if he did want To go on holiday,

37:58

Why we couldn't have booked. With the baby and

38:01

gone and off our family trip considering I've

38:03

never left the country Plow also a bump

38:05

me the wrong way that I bought him a

38:07

considerable amount of money for a costs. And

38:09

he hasn't paid me back. Cats by you've

38:11

got enough money. Typical holiday when I could

38:13

have used that money. Typical holiday for myself

38:15

as a family, holiday isn't something he seems

38:17

to want to do even though have been

38:19

holding back on the idea of a holiday

38:21

because I assumed we'd go together when we

38:23

were financially ready. Can I also add. He

38:26

admitted the on his first wave holiday. On

38:29

if Isis boys on it. I ever saw

38:31

above relationships cheat on me. It was very

38:34

early days and I thought I'd forgiven him,

38:36

but maybe that's a subconscious reason. I also

38:38

don't like it. Last will be so I find

38:40

unfair that he's going abroad when I borrowed him

38:42

money for a cop. It's I feel like if

38:44

we have spare money for holiday he didn't

38:47

need to be accepting money for me. It's

38:49

also how free. He is to buy reports.

38:51

And feals. No way to leave me eight.

38:53

Weeks postpartum. To me it really does hurt

38:55

she hadn't wanted to go aboard with me

38:57

as his girlfriend and says many time away

38:59

from their point on so am I wrong

39:01

for feeding so he about base your advice

39:03

is really needed because I don't want to

39:05

that my emotions take i buy and be

39:07

unfair. Love your loyal. Listener: Wow Wow

39:09

Wow Wow Said about the

39:12

money. Bothered him. I think you actually I

39:14

tried money boise me to fuck it I

39:16

decided holiday is Yolanda Zero is I. Use

39:18

of i didn't order the issue and

39:20

actually as an don't need any putin

39:22

he doesn't need any padded whatsoever. Either.

39:25

My million books and things that I think about

39:27

in when he said it by about actually be

39:29

like if it were the not on the other

39:31

day and never left the country reform and I

39:34

think be grateful to get together as a battle

39:36

yeah that's oh I live off the base as

39:38

not much as will be my boys then we

39:40

have yeah. I'm see what about I leave mommy

39:42

money then when they will be nice job you

39:44

know holidays. Time we have of the a year

39:46

for if it's like hey or that you like

39:49

If we went on a step up, never left

39:51

the country, been on the baby. Baby.

39:53

Moon. That repost

39:55

baby need stood. Is a fool. I

39:57

sometimes. The. have

40:00

like, we

40:03

think that people are just supposed to have common sense and

40:05

just know certain things, do you know what I mean? Because

40:07

we possess that common sense. He,

40:10

his mind in his, I don't know where his

40:12

head is, where his head is at, but clearly

40:14

he's not thinking about the family holiday, he's prioritizing

40:16

his needs to go away and all the rest

40:18

of it. And it feels like from this dilemma

40:21

that you don't understand why he doesn't

40:23

get that, why wouldn't they go on a family

40:25

holiday? Like, why is he not putting things together?

40:27

I'm here to tell you that often like, men

40:29

lack common sense when it comes to things like

40:31

that. They're really not, like you kind of have to

40:33

think for them. And if you're not going to do that, you

40:35

have to just tell them and make it in the bud straight away. I

40:39

feel like some of them don't think that way. Like most of

40:41

them don't think that way. A lot of men are in relationships

40:43

are still very selfish and they still kind of lead

40:45

with like themselves and what they want to do.

40:48

And it feels like that's what your man's doing in this situation.

40:50

It feels really disjointed because she was like,

40:52

my baby father, but he's also my boyfriend,

40:54

but we also live together. It's just like, that's

40:56

your partner. And yeah, it feels a bit disjointed,

41:02

but I feel like you need to absolutely just

41:04

talk to him. I get this need that you

41:06

want someone to want to do something. Yeah, yeah,

41:08

exactly. I get it. But I think that's where

41:10

relationship problems often happen in things. How you're doing

41:12

this, I'd actually rather we did this instead. That's

41:15

literally the common sense. That's exactly what it is. I feel like she

41:17

didn't want to have to tell him. She wanted him to leave. And

41:19

I get it, it would have been nice if he was like, do you know what,

41:23

babe? He's never been away. How about we plan a family

41:25

holiday? But instead he's coming to tell you that he's

41:28

thinking about going away with the lads. I get

41:30

the desire to want him to do that,

41:32

but I don't think he likes that. I don't

41:34

think he possesses that. Yeah, look, to me, that's how they

41:37

can run, but take care of home first.

41:39

And bro, that's all. We

41:42

can do this for me holiday. We say, good

41:44

night, we're all going to boys. So I do

41:46

as you please. Just make sure everybody's at home.

41:48

Exactly. It's hunky, dory. Just make sure that we're

41:50

tanned. And we're happy. As

41:54

long as we're happy, hunky as the dory, you

41:56

can do as you please, buddy. Like, go on

41:59

your holiday. get the whole like you

42:01

maybe you don't feel secure about him being away or

42:03

you might cheat whatever but I think the issue here

42:05

is you just want to be able to put on

42:07

there with your partner or your baby which is absolutely

42:09

valid but tell him that don't expect him to read

42:11

your mind again it's nicer than to just buy you

42:13

the flowers obviously you have to tell them to buy

42:15

the flowers and then they buy you the flowers I get

42:17

it but you

42:19

know man you know man

42:24

common sense, that'd be common sense no not at

42:26

all I feel like that's the real issue in

42:28

the relationship I don't even think it's that hard of

42:30

money for holiday none of that she wants him

42:32

to have and use it

42:35

his initial day and I wonder

42:37

if he is like that in all aspects of their

42:39

relationship because but I don't even think like and

42:41

I'm not taking up for him but I don't even

42:43

think it is that much of like a no-brainer that

42:46

he thinks of a family holiday it is a bit mad

42:48

that he thinks of himself like it is a bit mad that he's got

42:50

a new boy and you're thinking of your holiday I've

42:52

gone through so much with a baby I keep

42:54

like that's what he thinks of himself like an idiot

42:56

but I don't think it's like a no-brainer that he

42:58

would think our holiday because he might be thinking he

43:00

just had a baby maybe you want to get your

43:02

body back I don't know maybe I'm

43:04

giving him too much credit but I just think it's

43:07

not even up to all of this babe

43:09

I'm talking about boy's holiday now actually I

43:11

think it would be nice for us to go away first actually I've

43:13

never read the country and it would be nice to have him

43:15

with the baby I remember when I was like stop

43:18

how many months pregnant was I and Nick was talking about his

43:20

density earlier I was like no you're not No

43:23

you're not That's not

43:25

the last one Exactly I

43:28

was like no you're not and he's like no you're not why

43:31

would you even do that why would

43:33

you even bring this information to me I remember my

43:35

painting project and this guy was like oh is this

43:37

friend's husband was like is this a friend's stag fish

43:39

they're so fucking wock Exactly and I

43:43

was like I don't care what you're

43:45

going there for if that's irrelevant right

43:47

now No what's important now is Yeah

43:49

exactly so you just need to put

43:51

your foot down with him You don't even need to put your foot

43:54

down just tell him how you feel about the situation I mean for

43:56

most of me them have to deal with somebody Exactly Because

43:59

like Tony was saying The issue isn't necessarily the holiday,

44:01

it's just that he hasn't prioritised home life first. Yeah, yeah,

44:03

yeah. So even if he presented like that, just be like,

44:05

babe, this isn't, you should go away from your place, but

44:07

it would be nice if we did the family holiday first.

44:09

I've never been abroad, like, I would rather, let's do that.

44:11

And then I'm sure he'll be open. I can't imagine. And

44:14

then if he doesn't meet like us, because then we'll do

44:16

it. Exactly. We'll camp, then we'll cut him. Then we'll deal

44:18

with him. Oh, word. I was wrong. Then that's the problem.

44:20

After that, it's Adam Pappen. Talk, man. Just talk. Yeah. You're

44:22

allowed to feel how you're feeling. You're not being a moany

44:24

little girl or whatever. You can feel things.

44:26

That's all. Right. Next time, next time. Hi,

44:29

I'm a huge fan of your podcast. It feels

44:31

like I have girlfriends with me on my commute to work.

44:34

Now I'm to my dilemma. It might be a bit

44:36

long, but some context needed. I was

44:38

born and raised in Zimbabwe, the eldest

44:41

of four siblings. In my 20s,

44:43

my dad had already had another daughter, the

44:45

same age as my younger sister. This

44:48

was a shock for all of us, considering

44:50

my dad's reputation was a very religious man.

44:54

Past of do it. We

44:57

were angry for a while, but I also genuinely

44:59

excited to get to know my new sister. She'd

45:01

moved to the UK with her mum years ago

45:03

and grew up believing a different man was her

45:06

father. Oh, my God. What a mess. Eventually, both

45:08

families were told the truth. We got

45:10

her number, and in hindsight, I think I came on

45:12

a bit strong. I was just so

45:14

enthusiastic about having a relationship with her. Things

45:16

went well for a few months, and then she said she

45:19

wasn't ready for a full relationship yet and needed time to

45:21

adjust. We completely understood. Finding

45:23

out your dad isn't who you thought he was must

45:26

have been incredibly difficult, so we gave her space. I

45:28

admit I did check her social media occasionally

45:31

to see how she was doing until I couldn't anymore.

45:33

I assumed I was blocked, which stung, but

45:36

again, I understood. Years passed with

45:38

no contact. Now I've been living in

45:40

the UK for three months, married with a

45:42

wonderful in-law family. My parents are

45:44

still in Zimbabwe, and our siblings have numbered

45:46

Europe as well, and work makes it hard

45:48

for me to see them. Lately, I

45:51

can't help but think about my sister. We grew up here.

45:53

The idea of having a sibling close by is really appealing.

45:56

Here's my question. Should

45:58

I reach out to her again? I don't

46:00

want to overstep or disrespect her boundaries. I

46:02

don't want to replace her existence with stuff.

46:04

I just want to explore the possibilities of

46:06

building a relationship. It hurts that we could

46:09

be close, but we aren't. Thanks for your

46:11

help. Look forward to hearing it. Oh,

46:13

no. First of all,

46:15

shout out you for being so accommodating and

46:18

like open to having a

46:20

relationship. Yeah. I think she should absolutely reach

46:22

out. I feel like sometimes it's not what you

46:24

say is how you say it. Like if you were

46:26

to DM her and in

46:29

a way that you're still respecting her boundaries and letting

46:31

her know that, listen, I totally understand if you didn't,

46:33

if you don't want to, I just wanted to check up

46:35

on you and just take it from now. I don't think there's anything wrong

46:37

with that. Interestingly, I think she'll leave

46:39

that woman alone. Really? Why?

46:42

On the contrary, I think leave

46:44

that girl there, can I? Really? She would have

46:47

reached back out. Do you think? She

46:49

understands like, she knows you

46:51

want to relationship with her. But

46:53

that was years ago. She probably possibly

46:55

got you in an Instagram. Leave

46:59

her alone. It's

47:02

a damn shame. It's a damn shame. But I think

47:04

some people just don't want it. You don't know that

47:06

havoc that has wreaked in her family. Her mum has

47:08

lied to her for years about who her father was.

47:10

Her actual father wasn't even there, but you had your

47:12

dad to look after some kids. You don't know the

47:15

resentment she holds towards you. Hey, you have done nothing

47:17

wrong. This is not a you thing. But

47:19

allow people the space that they need. Yeah. Being around

47:21

you might trigger her. It might trigger her. Well, I

47:23

had a dad who was capable of looking after other

47:25

youth, but he didn't come to get me. Yeah.

47:28

Your genuine presence alone can bother this

47:30

girl. She

47:33

knows you're around. She knows you're alive. You

47:36

spoke for a couple of months. You had a decent relationship.

47:38

And she decided she doesn't want it again. I

47:41

don't know. Maybe I'm strict. Leave

47:44

her alone. No, I hear it. I feel like

47:46

I didn't even think of it from that perspective

47:48

of like maybe the whole situation triggered her. Yeah.

47:50

And this sister reminds her of like a horrible

47:52

time in her life when all these secrets became

47:54

unbappled. We've perfectly nice people, but I don't

47:56

know if I want that. I

47:58

don't know if I can deal with that. People have already a

48:01

lot they're like hey dude, what I should have in my life

48:03

is all I want. And

48:05

I think you have to let people, she knows you're

48:07

alive. You're not like coming to her like hey babe,

48:09

you don't know about your sister. She knows you're

48:11

alive, she knows about you. She knows you're in the UK,

48:14

she's in the UK, she doesn't want to get in. And

48:17

it's sad. Yeah, it's a shame isn't

48:19

it? But I think leave her alone. Do you

48:21

know, I still think she should just, because the thing is

48:23

the option to not reply to you is very much there.

48:26

Do you know what I mean? But it's like, there's

48:29

no harm. If it's something that's weighing heavy on

48:31

your heart, she's also a possibility she

48:33

could have had a change of heart. You

48:35

never know. So I just think if you have

48:38

access to her, don't be full on, if you

48:40

just send her a simple DM or do whatever. Don't

48:43

do more than that. Just

48:45

whatever form of communication you have to be able to get

48:47

to her. I think I would just try and

48:49

test the waters again and just be like hey,

48:51

maybe don't call her sister or anything. Just

48:56

keep it simple, call her by her name, just be

48:58

like, just checking in, just wanting to know if you're

49:00

okay. And that's all and just leave it there. And

49:02

I feel like if she's open to a relationship, then

49:04

off the back of that, you'll know if she doesn't

49:06

reply and she reads it, then you get

49:08

your answer and then at least you know there's some peace

49:10

of mind. So yeah.

49:13

But do it with no expectations. But do it with no

49:15

expectations, exactly. Don't go in there thinking, you know,

49:17

and then yeah, don't go in there having any

49:19

expectations. Yeah, and if you're somebody who's like hey, did

49:21

you send my message? Yeah, exactly, yeah, don't do any

49:23

of that. If she doesn't reply, then just know that it

49:25

was not meant to be. And

49:28

I wouldn't follow up after. But I just don't know the closest to

49:30

the relationship you want with her. I don't know if you're gonna get

49:32

it. Yeah, I think she should manage her expectations in

49:34

that sense, well, because she might wanna keep you

49:36

at a distance. She might just wanna say happy birthday

49:38

once a year and just keep it, you just never

49:41

know. But I don't think she wants the

49:43

close relationship either. I don't think she does, yeah, I

49:45

don't think she does. Yeah. Right,

49:47

next dilemma. Next dilemma. Hi ladies. The time

49:49

has finally come for me to send my

49:51

own dilemma after years of listening to you

49:53

guys. I remember listening to you guys when

49:55

you only had a couple of episodes out and was gutted

49:58

you hadn't posted more yet. That's when we were bi- And

50:01

now look at you. I always love when

50:03

Audrey says, next dilemma in her American

50:05

accent. And it's been great listening to both of you for

50:07

so long. My dilemma is my

50:09

coworker lied about having sex with me. You did

50:11

not let him lie on your pussy or her

50:14

lie on your pussy. Oh, okay. Let's

50:16

go. Okay. I started this job about

50:18

a year and a half ago and it's been great

50:20

from the start. I get on well with people and

50:22

the whole team are really close clearly. I

50:25

befriended a few coworkers and one in particular

50:27

I got on really well with, but I

50:29

never saw him like that romantically. I mostly

50:31

date women and he wasn't really my type

50:34

too posh. Regardless, we got our

50:36

best friends really well and became close. We'd

50:38

often go for drinks with other coworkers and

50:40

he occasionally gave me flirty vibes, which was fine with

50:42

me. I was in a relationship

50:44

up until six months ago, so I never

50:46

reciprocated or flirted back until after I

50:49

broke up with my ex. Okay. Again,

50:51

I wasn't super interested. So I didn't go

50:53

anywhere. One time he invited

50:55

me to an exhibition that his mum was putting on

50:57

as she was an artist. He told me

50:59

a few coworkers were going to join, but when I

51:01

got there, it was just me and him. Okay. I

51:04

met his mum, we got on great and we went

51:06

to another pub after. At the end of the

51:08

night and after lots of drinks, he said that

51:10

he had a confession. That

51:12

one, he liked me and two, she wanted

51:14

to kiss me. Ladies, I

51:17

was vulnerable post breakup and drunk and she

51:19

smelled really nice. So I went for it.

51:21

Sue me. At first I paused

51:24

and he thought I was objecting him. So

51:26

it was a bit awkward, but it was nice. We

51:28

kissed and laughed and ended up going separate

51:30

ways at the end of the night. This is

51:33

a very important separate way. Okay.

51:35

But then cat the day

51:37

after he asked me if he could take me for dinner.

51:40

And I said that I was still

51:42

dealing with a breakup, but would actually like

51:44

to at some point, but he very

51:46

clearly got cold feet and stopped texting back. So I

51:49

thought it was for the best that nothing happened. I

51:51

was a bit confused, but as I

51:53

kind of regretted the whole kissing a coworker

51:55

thing. Anyway, we eventually were able to not

51:57

be awkward at work and time went on. months

52:00

later I'm out for a drink with another

52:02

co-worker and she tells me that Ben, my

52:04

co-worker, told her that me

52:06

and him had slept together and

52:09

that he couldn't get a boner because I hadn't

52:11

shaved down there and that I had hairy legs

52:13

and armpits and that he wasn't into me. I'm

52:15

sorry, why did you need to do all that

52:17

embellishment? I'm sorry, for what? He could

52:20

have just said nothing. Anyway, let me give you a hint. He

52:22

made out like I was begging for him to

52:24

see me again and felt bad and didn't know

52:27

how to let me down! I

52:29

will set you up. Oh my god! I've

52:31

been kicking and working alongside this man for

52:33

months and I can't believe how humiliated I

52:35

feel. I feel so betrayed and angry.

52:37

I have no idea how to handle this. As

52:40

I feel, I've brought it upon myself for making

52:42

a city mistake and trusting that he might have

52:44

had some kind of genuine intention. I've been dating

52:46

a woman and it's going really

52:48

well but I suddenly feel so sad and embarrassed that I

52:50

don't want to see people. I dread going to work, I

52:53

never shave my leg or armpit, I date lesbians who don't

52:55

care. So fucking what do you do? And I've never been

52:58

embarrassed of it but now I feel

53:00

so humiliated. I feel angry because I have

53:02

never even stepped with him but people automatically

53:04

believe the man. I have no idea how

53:06

many people he's told this lie to and

53:08

I don't know what to do. H.R. isn't exactly

53:10

an option at my workplace. I would appreciate any

53:13

help and sorry for making this so long. Thanks so

53:15

much ladies and god bless you. Do you know what?

53:17

I read it as like the title was

53:19

they did speak together and he lied and denied it.

53:21

Yeah, he said. And look, I was just talking, I

53:23

thought of a master plan. Here's what we're

53:25

gonna do. There's gonna be drinks

53:27

at some point. You need to go flog him. There's

53:29

gonna be drinks at some point in this workplace, you're

53:32

all very close to whatever. Even if it

53:34

just happens in front of one person, take the one

53:36

person in the office that you know the biggest mouth.

53:38

You know that there's nothing you can tell this person

53:40

that will not spread within two to three hours. Get

53:43

them in this group, you'd be there. Tell

53:45

this guy, describe, come along before. As we're

53:47

all kiki'ing, you say to him, do you

53:50

want to tell her about the time you

53:52

lied that we never had sex? Shame him.

53:54

Instantly, he didn't expect this. His actions are gonna

53:56

be like, what

53:58

are you talking about? I

54:00

don't give a, I'm naming names. You

54:02

told Martha that me and his boss, but you couldn't get

54:05

a boner because I was hairy. How could we fuck her

54:07

because we couldn't get a boner? You know how to do

54:09

that. Exactly, it would be fucking, you get up. Do you

54:11

want to tell me how you like about that? Regain

54:13

your power. I know you might feel embarrassed.

54:15

I promise you, you can get to have

54:17

your movie moment. I promise you, do this.

54:21

And if the girl that told you, is not the

54:23

one in the big mouth, make sure she's called. Yeah,

54:26

make sure she's aware. Make sure we call her. My favourite thing

54:28

to do with someone, someone like, oh, I didn't say

54:30

that. Let's call the person that told me, let's all

54:32

have a little chin wag. Yeah. Let's

54:34

all sort this out together. I'm not telling how I told you. I'm

54:37

sorry, but if you told me, I'm telling you. Yeah, especially if

54:39

you're trying to shit on my name, bro. I'm so sorry. You

54:41

cannot lie on me and tell me. Oh, but don't say

54:43

anything. Exactly, you should have told me then. I am single, I

54:46

can hear you. I'm like Adele

54:48

singing, in fact. I'm singing. So once

54:50

we do that master plan, we know

54:53

good sis over here is going to let the

54:55

news spread. Like wildfire. Make

54:58

sure he goes red in the face, no matter his

55:00

complexion. Make sure he goes red and

55:02

then skin of his skin. Make

55:04

sure he feels like pure shit. In fact, I want

55:06

him to call him sick for two days because he's

55:08

so fucking embarrassed. Don't

55:11

let this embarrassment be only yours. Exactly.

55:14

It's not even true. And it's not true. Because

55:18

the thing is, even if it was true yet and

55:20

that actually happened in his talk, that's a fucking Libby.

55:22

That's annoying. But it's actually just a lie from

55:24

the pit of hell for no reason. Do

55:27

you know the option to just not tell that story was very

55:29

much viable? Do you know what it is? I think

55:31

he was embarrassed about the sloppy kiss and I think he

55:33

was embarrassed that she was going to tell people about that

55:35

first. So he tries to

55:37

do damage control. Exactly. For

55:39

me, if I'm in, I wait

55:41

and see what happens because the chance is she won't going

55:43

to pay nothing to anybody. But I think he

55:46

tries to jump ahead of the story and get his version out

55:48

there first. But that is very embarrassing. And

55:50

the fact that you are a working agent,

55:52

you're doing great. You're grown people. You are not

55:54

lying on my mind. Absolutely. That

55:56

kind of thing will make you very angry as well. I'm angry

55:59

because that's like... That's my body. Why

56:01

are you putting a body on me that I did

56:03

not inherit? That I did not ask for and you

56:05

have dare yourselves now hair. Also, you're so childish. Exactly.

56:08

What, what, what, what, what, what a small hair

56:10

do you feel about it? I couldn't get it

56:12

up. I'm sorry, in what world has a man

56:15

ever said, get that vagina away from me? Oh

56:17

no, hair. That hair. It never happens in the

56:19

history of sex. Take it hairless

56:21

hair with stubble, take it as you get it. Men

56:23

will suck holes in the wall. Bub, literally, they will

56:25

literally go to a white-handed poho and fuck a hole

56:28

in the wall. They fuck holes in the wall. And

56:30

you're telling me some pubes is

56:32

stopping you. Please. You lying piece of

56:34

shit. Yeah, he is a fucking prick. Embarrass him. That's

56:37

our master plan. Exactly. Embarrass him and regain

56:39

your power. That does not happen. Why are

56:41

you saying this happened when you know it

56:43

didn't happen? Exactly. Sometimes you

56:45

have to put it on people because he's going on with

56:47

life laughing with you. Yeah, he thinks he's done something. He

56:49

doesn't know. Yeah, he thinks he's told people it's deep but

56:51

not knowing that you know. He needs to be called out.

56:54

Like, he really does. I look, that's one of

56:56

my favourite things in this life. When

56:58

someone talks about me and I know, I let them know, I

57:00

know, shh, Drake. You will know. And

57:04

it's not even like, it's not even

57:06

like, a lively conversation. It's like,

57:08

hey, just let you know. I know

57:10

this is happening. You act accordingly but

57:12

just know whether I know you've done it. Yeah,

57:14

yeah, yeah, exactly. Well, you must do it in

57:16

front of the office closet. Yeah,

57:19

the word needs to get round ASAP. By

57:21

Monday, when people are making tea, they're like, oh, my

57:23

God, did you do that? Exactly. Let it

57:25

be the office closet. I'm like, I'm tired because how embarrassing

57:27

and also like, you know, not that you owe

57:29

anybody this, but he could do this to other women. Like,

57:32

stop him in his tracks, you know. But

57:35

yeah, he's fucking despicable. And this is not a

57:37

HR situation. This is like, something that needs

57:40

to be dealt with amongst you guys, or

57:42

co-workers. It seems like everybody gets on and you

57:44

have that kind of rapport. Fight

57:46

fire with fire. He

57:48

tries to kill your name with a lie so you can kill

57:50

his name with the truth. And because

57:52

he knows that she doesn't, she's not a parent person. That's one

57:54

bit about him. He has a way to be like, oh, you

57:56

know, exactly. And so, fuck you all. He's not one of

57:58

the shavers. He does have to shave. Exactly, exactly.

58:00

Like how dare he? Like, yeah, I'll

58:03

be a mum. I'll take care of you. Well, please do the

58:05

mask apparently and then come back to me and tell me how it went.

58:07

Yeah, I'd love to know. Right, next dilemma?

58:09

Next dilemma! Hey, ladies, no dilemma.

58:13

No dilemma. OK, so a couple

58:15

of months ago, I think recently we've got the girls that

58:17

has a guy with a keloid in his nose. And

58:20

if you guys remember that, she's here with solution.

58:22

That's why we love you guys. OK, no dilemma.

58:24

Just want to help the girl with a boyfriend

58:26

with a keloid on his nose. He

58:29

needs to sleep with Aswin. Why are you

58:31

laughing? I

58:35

just remember that dilemma. OK. And she was so like,

58:37

bummer, but she said how to stop it. Because

58:39

he wouldn't take the nose ring out. Yeah, that

58:41

one. That one. OK. He needs to

58:43

sleep with Aswin paste on his nose.

58:46

You can put it in. Crush Aswin

58:48

and add a little water till it looks

58:50

like toothpaste and put it on his nose

58:52

and teeth when he goes to bed. It will

58:55

be gone in two to three nights. I did it with

58:57

my eyes when I was 18 years. Keloid

58:59

has a comeback and I'm 26. But

59:01

it's just helpful. That sounds like fucking like advice.

59:03

You know, like practical advice is actually going to

59:06

work. Thank you. We love that. Oh, my God.

59:08

So we hope Keloid knows tries it. And

59:10

we go from there. Indeed, indeed. Right.

59:13

Next dilemma. Next dilemma. Yeah,

59:15

go for it. Hey, girlies. So I'm a

59:17

fairly new listener, but love, love, love

59:19

your words of wisdom so much. And

59:21

I've listened to the back catalogue. Tolly,

59:23

as a fellow member of A Dead

59:25

Parents Club, I have found it

59:27

so interesting to hear your story. And I found

59:29

so much comfort in realising I'm a cologne. Audrey,

59:32

I have so much enjoyed hearing your story

59:34

as a grandmother. And I can't believe how wise

59:37

you are in parenting for such a new one.

59:39

Thank you. So my dilemma. I slept

59:41

with my husband, who I've been with since I was 18

59:43

last month after 12 years. There

59:47

were lots of control issues and it took a

59:49

long time to get out. We have two beautiful

59:52

children, a five year old and a two year

59:54

old girl. Together, he is

59:56

really trying to be a better dad.

59:59

We share the kids. 50-50. As

1:00:01

part of our post separation agreement we

1:00:03

have agreed that we will wait nine

1:00:05

months minimum to introduce a new partner

1:00:08

to our children. He is messaging

1:00:10

me this week saying he is planning the

1:00:12

introduction with his new girlfriend to the children

1:00:14

next weekend and she'll be moving in with

1:00:16

them next month. They always do this, they

1:00:18

always meet so quickly. Despite that nine months

1:00:21

ago he had a different girlfriend and

1:00:24

five months ago he was still liking my friends

1:00:26

on hinge. He's clearly not been

1:00:28

with this woman for nine months. When

1:00:30

I said he should hold on an introduction and we can

1:00:32

discuss this in a mediation

1:00:35

session witnessed by a lawyer we

1:00:37

have booked next week, he argued and argued and

1:00:39

eventually told me that the reason he's rushing is

1:00:41

because f**king hell. They're

1:00:44

expecting a baby together in November. They

1:00:47

can't have known each other more than two months before

1:00:50

she got pregnant. This adds

1:00:52

a whole other issue to the mix. For

1:00:54

my immediate dilemma now is how do I

1:00:56

introduce my children to this woman who I

1:00:58

don't know but realistically neither does he to

1:01:00

my kids. How do I keep them

1:01:03

safe whilst this person is around? How do I

1:01:05

know this is going to last? How do I

1:01:07

know that he is going to be able to

1:01:09

take care of them as he's barely able to

1:01:11

take care of two children at the moment? How

1:01:13

do I introduce them to an idea of a

1:01:15

new sibling so quickly and a literal stranger moving

1:01:17

in with them? What suggestions do

1:01:20

I make? I'm in a very

1:01:22

happily dating someone else slowly whilst

1:01:24

getting to know myself and getting used to

1:01:26

living on my own. So please don't think

1:01:28

anything to do with jealousy as he does.

1:01:30

I'm just so worried about my children. Sorry

1:01:33

about the lint. Hope to hear your ideas.

1:01:35

Thank you. I definitely didn't get jealous

1:01:37

at all. I feel like you're happy to get that

1:01:39

relationship and you're genuinely concerned about

1:01:41

your kids and their well-being as a good

1:01:43

mum you should be. And

1:01:46

unlike, unfortunately unlike him, you're actually putting

1:01:48

your children fast whether he is just

1:01:50

rushed into anything. Men will do that

1:01:52

you know especially when they've had like

1:01:55

they will move on especially when they've had a

1:01:57

relationship where because she did mention control issues at

1:01:59

the beginning. The Iraq in his

1:02:01

youth. With having a woman around in his

1:02:03

and so eager to find someone to replace

1:02:05

she sat he's found itself in the situation

1:02:08

the other side Anita Hill that's am I

1:02:10

think as that for as a children's mom

1:02:12

you for assay every right to really really

1:02:14

put your foot down and even in a

1:02:16

mediation situation I don't think there's any lawyer

1:02:18

that is not guides his see why this

1:02:20

is cause for concern and play outside with

1:02:22

Yates I don't know. What lower lip I

1:02:25

see much. You got the appropriate living conditions

1:02:27

and arrangements for sorted. He did you want?

1:02:29

I think they should assume that they go fifty

1:02:32

fifty split at I think if is a way

1:02:34

in which they can bike. We.

1:02:36

Seek the a little bit so that

1:02:38

this person's slowly introduce because I don't

1:02:41

think it's. I. Worry my

1:02:43

kids living with a stranger. A nation of

1:02:45

the kids. but what does she have to suffer with? Haven't see

1:02:47

them or not. It's. Not there yet Everybody by yeah yeah

1:02:49

what I mean yeah what about the at Abu Dhabi

1:02:51

a pot is you could be a with not even

1:02:53

was but like your father to do I have a

1:02:55

me one of your life now my life has to

1:02:57

be had begun of what you're deciding to them sort

1:02:59

of you buy. Publisher address. Like.

1:03:02

And. Yeah.

1:03:04

At. Unfortunately you can't

1:03:07

start. he's going to do some custom yeah

1:03:09

it's not via it for I think for

1:03:11

the safety of the children. I think that

1:03:13

once she is in a when she sues

1:03:15

more. Stable.

1:03:17

And once he feels more secure with the

1:03:19

situation said maybe by best this is consistent

1:03:21

with is essentially he's like the day it'll.

1:03:23

Never right there. arrangements. If the plan

1:03:26

was that displaced white my mom's and both

1:03:28

agreed you have assisted suicide of the bargain

1:03:30

and he has it. I saw like. See.

1:03:33

Should be held back from seeing the kids localized

1:03:35

that web and punish him as often than. Not.

1:03:37

Really? Because they can still see their dad's

1:03:39

place just. He they can still see

1:03:42

that that we're not stopping them from seen the dad

1:03:44

for hims of living. with a whole of a

1:03:46

a whole other person that despite that they

1:03:48

don't know about as and I wouldn't sit

1:03:50

well with me as funny say you'd I

1:03:52

know. One same as he sees them unless it is

1:03:54

it me that he comes as a symbol times of

1:03:56

stress and so we establish a Disney person is. And

1:03:59

then we can buy, buy, to do what we were doing before.

1:04:01

And if it means that unfortunately she has to make

1:04:03

that sacrifice and have the kids more for a little

1:04:05

bit until she feels secure personally, that's what

1:04:07

I would do because I'm not just going to let my kids,

1:04:09

especially at a vulnerable age, so and

1:04:12

be living with a random woman. I don't care. Like women

1:04:14

are no safer because if it was the other way around,

1:04:16

there's no way in hell I'm having my, my kids go

1:04:18

live with a random man. Do you know what I mean?

1:04:20

So the same should be said for

1:04:22

the, for the woman. I think, you know,

1:04:24

if it were me, I wouldn't feel, I wouldn't feel

1:04:26

comfortable with it at all. He's a, he's a prick

1:04:29

anyway. I don't know if there was a world where you

1:04:31

meet this woman. I don't know. I'm not in

1:04:33

a way to be like just because

1:04:35

someone's coming with my kids. I need to meet her. I

1:04:37

don't, I need to have a fucking number because I'm sure

1:04:39

there'll be times when he goes out and she's the one

1:04:41

looking after my children. We need

1:04:43

to have some kind of healthy-ish relationship. I'm not saying you

1:04:45

have to be best friends, but she's going to have a

1:04:47

responsibility for my kids. I'm going to be around when they're

1:04:49

there. I don't know if there's a world where you get

1:04:52

to meet this woman. And again, you're not surveying her for

1:04:54

your ex-husband. You're just surveying her to make sure that your

1:04:56

kids are going to be all right with her. And

1:04:58

one thing I would happily, I would really eagerly encourage

1:05:00

is that you tell your kids communication

1:05:03

is key. They can, if there's a

1:05:05

hint of discomfort, they're feeling that house. Come

1:05:07

to mommy. Mommy's going to believe you. Don't you

1:05:09

worry. You can tell mommy everything. Blah, blah, blah, blah. Like I

1:05:12

think you should really make sure your kids are all right. Cause

1:05:14

they're five and 12. They, of

1:05:16

course they're still young, but then they can actually

1:05:18

tell you whether, Oh, she's, yeah, she's been a

1:05:20

bit funny. They come to report to you. Yeah.

1:05:23

So they can just him to be like, yeah, open

1:05:25

another communication. So they feel very safe to be like

1:05:28

their first weekend. How was it? What did you do?

1:05:30

Blah, blah, blah, blah. Just so you can like,

1:05:32

if anything ever comes up straight away, you're like,

1:05:34

well, no, the kids are not coming. They

1:05:36

don't feel comfortable. Something's happening. They don't feel comfortable. They're not

1:05:38

doing it. And the thing is men are so annoying because

1:05:40

it's like, okay, fair. Like you've gone from one relationship with

1:05:42

another, but you couldn't just hold off a little bit for

1:05:44

the sake of your kids. Like you couldn't just strap up.

1:05:47

No, you're in this situation. It's just, it's very

1:05:49

frustrating. But I definitely think she needs to

1:05:51

be here. Yeah. And also the new sibling thing. That's

1:05:53

his job. That's his kid. Yeah. Like

1:05:56

he saw his kids then and be like, Hey,

1:05:58

daddy's having another baby. It's actually not

1:06:01

your burden. You didn't do that to him. And

1:06:03

because she even mentioned, he's got the, you know,

1:06:05

he's not in the financial position to even look

1:06:07

after three kids. That's not your problem. He needs to do what

1:06:09

he needs to do for your two kids. I don't care

1:06:11

if you get five more women pregnant. As long as

1:06:13

whatever you want to do the same for these children doesn't lack,

1:06:15

I'm not complaining. Do as you please. And you're

1:06:18

active in their life and it's not that now

1:06:20

then you're baby climbing. Exactly. I don't want to

1:06:22

hear stories. I don't want to hear how I

1:06:24

can't because no, you will. And that woman is

1:06:26

definitely going to be, and bearing in

1:06:28

mind, this woman's done nothing she's met a man. You

1:06:30

guys are very much not together and he's single and

1:06:32

all the rest of it. But it's like, it reminds

1:06:35

me of that Ari and Taina

1:06:38

situation with the whole like, she had bow and how they

1:06:40

don't get on and all the rest of it. And

1:06:42

it's just like, at the moment they don't get on right

1:06:44

now. And then I know that there's been times where they

1:06:46

do get on, but you're going to have to, yeah,

1:06:48

you're going to have to establish a relationship with her. You

1:06:50

have no choice. You have my kids. You need to know.

1:06:53

I need your number. I need to know what's happening.

1:06:55

Because remember Taina didn't want to give her number. Yeah. Yeah.

1:06:57

Yeah. And that's what the whole thing started. You need to

1:06:59

have my number. I can't lie. That's mad. You've got

1:07:01

my kids in your house. That's mad. If I

1:07:03

drop my kids a play pen, I want a people's number. Exactly.

1:07:06

Give me your number. I'm not calling you and giving

1:07:08

me your mobile. Is everyone mad? So yeah, the dad

1:07:10

can leave. Especially if there's a one that my

1:07:12

ex partner leaves my kids with you, I need

1:07:14

your direct details because men will need.

1:07:16

They absolutely will. That's why they're always in such a

1:07:19

hurry to get into a relationship. He couldn't just let

1:07:21

his dick rest for a little bit and just concentrate

1:07:23

on the kids we've got and just stay and keep

1:07:25

it away. They have to have someone. They have to

1:07:27

have that village. I've been so shocked how early men

1:07:29

have been doing their videos. They don't care because they're

1:07:31

always trying to find someone that they can leave the

1:07:33

kids with. That's their agenda. It's

1:07:35

not about, oh, I've met this

1:07:38

person. I really love them. It's about how can I replace

1:07:40

this person so I have an extra bit. I'm telling you,

1:07:42

even though it's like when they talk about single dads and

1:07:44

stuff, and shout out to them, I'm sure there's some that are doing an

1:07:46

amazing job. But for the most part, they have a

1:07:48

lot of other women in their lives. Yes,

1:07:51

that's exactly what it is. Women don't tend

1:07:53

to have the same support. Exactly.

1:07:57

Women are supposed to just figure it

1:07:59

out. somehow incapable of this.

1:08:01

When mums come in, their answers come in.

1:08:03

Everybody values around them and they have such

1:08:05

a village. But that's why they're always

1:08:08

in a hurry to meet someone else that they can do this to.

1:08:12

I think for now, I'll say meet the woman. I

1:08:14

know that you might not be able to sense everything about

1:08:16

her, but meet her, gauge it. You get your own

1:08:18

thing as well. Oh, 50% of fish. Meet

1:08:22

the woman, gauge it. Open the line of communication with your kids.

1:08:25

And in terms of you need to tell him that to be

1:08:27

like, hey, I need you to have a conversation with the kids

1:08:29

or they're going to have a new sibling. And if he's funny

1:08:31

about you meeting her, that's a red flag. Yeah. And after the

1:08:33

chat they've had with him, then you go with your kids to

1:08:35

be like, did Daddy have a chat with me today about this?

1:08:38

How do you feel? You're going to have

1:08:40

to co-parent it. And then once all of that is

1:08:42

done, maybe you all need to do something as a

1:08:44

family just to let the kids know that you're comfortable

1:08:46

with it. And everybody is like co-existing. It's

1:08:49

a lot of work and it's not even nine months, but you

1:08:51

have to do it. She's going to be

1:08:53

living there. It's going to be living there, exactly. Yeah.

1:08:56

Make sure you tell him to talk to his kids about the

1:08:58

new siblings. When they get home, you ask them, how do you

1:09:00

feel? Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Like it's

1:09:02

just, I just think dealing with kids

1:09:05

from parents who are separated or whatever,

1:09:07

it's just communication. But I think often

1:09:09

what happens is that suddenly there's

1:09:11

a new person in your house and no one's told you who

1:09:13

the person is. No one's told you that you've got a girlfriend. You're

1:09:15

just going to be like, okay, cool. Hi. But

1:09:18

I think if the communication is open, they'd have someone to

1:09:20

talk to and be like, hey, I couldn't have missed about

1:09:22

this. And blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And he's

1:09:24

a raggedy bitch. He is a raggedy bitch. I saw

1:09:26

some post there from some woman and she was writing

1:09:28

into an agri-art or something. She was basically saying that

1:09:31

her ex, she's

1:09:33

got a daughter with her ex and he's moved

1:09:35

on. But the stepmom is really full on with the

1:09:37

daughter, but in a way that she showers her

1:09:39

with gifts, that she brought her an iPhone,

1:09:41

and then she brought her a car. Ah.

1:09:44

They brought the daughter of a car for her sweet

1:09:46

16 or something without consulting the mum. And

1:09:49

the mum was like, I don't want her to have the car,

1:09:51

but the daughter's already received the gift. Obviously she's loving it. She

1:09:53

loves life. The daughter's happy. But she feels a way

1:09:55

about it because she wouldn't have wanted her to

1:09:57

have a brand new Jeep or whatever it was for her 16.

1:10:00

She wanted to have to like get something, you know,

1:10:02

more appropriate and work her way up

1:10:04

and stepmoms just like trumped

1:10:06

her way in and just done this big,

1:10:09

big gesture. And that's the way to win over kids'

1:10:11

hearts. That really is why the kids are so simple.

1:10:16

They'll be like, you're not my mummies. Here's an iPhone.

1:10:18

Hey, Mum. They didn't give

1:10:20

an X. Yeah. That's the big one

1:10:22

still. I think I was just like the class affected themselves. Yeah.

1:10:26

And then they hit my head before it, but whatever. And she even

1:10:28

put in brackets. She was like, and I know the dad didn't buy

1:10:30

it. Yeah. He got the

1:10:33

money. She apparently the set mum comes for

1:10:35

money. Oh, that's

1:10:37

a sticky one because essentially I want someone

1:10:39

that's going to love on my kids. Yeah. And you'll have to

1:10:41

then. So it was a bruh. But at the same time, don't

1:10:43

fucking overstep the boundaries of me. Yeah. Do you know what I

1:10:45

mean? And also let me know to be like, hey, we're thinking

1:10:47

like, I know the car. Yeah, they bring me in the thing.

1:10:50

Bring me in the conversation, you know? Like I like them ones.

1:10:52

I can all, everybody gets super transparent. Like some people play

1:10:54

parent. Let me put it together. I was thinking

1:10:56

about an episode we did ages ago with, um,

1:10:58

I remember, you had in episode 55

1:11:01

or something. Yeah. And we were like. episode

1:11:06

is fucking funny, bruv. And we were talking

1:11:08

about, it was about the time the whole

1:11:10

Neo situation happened. Yes. And we would talk

1:11:12

about, um, to speak some Rashund. And

1:11:18

then you were like, and then I was like, my

1:11:20

name's Rashund, and you're like, Rashund, no. Well, but

1:11:24

anyway, we were basically saying that like,

1:11:26

obviously they were projecting this thing of

1:11:28

the world of like, you're fucking rich. That's

1:11:34

why you can do it. You know what I mean? Stop

1:11:36

being a real high horse on the couch. Average people have

1:11:38

to live, but there's no fucking money. Like

1:11:40

all my bills are being paid. My rent is being paid.

1:11:42

And I'm still being accustomed to the lifestyle I had when

1:11:45

I was married to you. Please. But

1:11:47

it feels like in everything. Exactly. You

1:11:50

want to attach my kids on top of it. I'm not

1:11:52

going to be happy. Family. What happened to the third kid? He's not

1:11:54

going to tell me his one is left. No,

1:11:57

you better figure it the fuck out, bruv. kids

1:12:00

shouldn't have to go without. That episode was for

1:12:02

me. Um, but yeah, that's it. That's all. That's all.

1:12:04

Um, we had to go to the studio to go

1:12:06

for any, um, answers or help or

1:12:08

anything that you guys can offer. Please

1:12:10

use the hashtag the receipt podcast and

1:12:13

help your fellow the seaters. We have

1:12:15

not worked that out. The

1:12:17

seat, you know, the seat. Yeah. The seaters.

1:12:20

The seat, the seat, the seat, uh, the seat. And

1:12:26

help your fellow seaters and family and everybody else.

1:12:29

And all you people that have been out.

1:12:32

And by the official report to you by the