0:00

Okay. I'm ready, ready, ready, ready,

0:02

ready, ready, ready. Bewp them,

0:04

bebewp them, they're not like me, me

0:06

not like them, conquer them, conquer them.

0:09

Does it say conquer them? I've got

0:11

no idea. Do you know what

0:13

song I'm singing? Yeah. I've already, really, really,

0:15

really, really, really, you sing that. Is it Elephant Man?

0:18

That we do bad, man. We do bad, man. I thought

0:20

that's what you were saying. I really hope it is. I just

0:22

start thinking, is it the homophobic song I'm singing? No, no, no, it's

0:25

not. It's not that one.

0:27

Not a part, man. No, but the

0:29

gays love that song, though. No, they shouldn't. It's bad. They

0:31

love it. It's bad. I remember my party

0:33

in my 30th party, I was like, tell the DJ, you cannot

0:35

play this song. But whenever I've been out

0:37

on that song, does come on, which is rare, because,

0:39

oh, I can't remember which song, but one of them

0:41

has been removed. But I think even he said

0:43

it. And even he was like,

0:45

no, like, you know. I love that thing. I love

0:47

that, cause I don't really hear like many. That's like

0:49

Big Sean as well. He said he's not going to

0:52

perform, I don't fuck with you. Oh yeah,

0:54

because he was talking about the lady that died. Yeah.

0:57

Yeah. So the fact that

0:59

someone dies, your grief of them ends. I

1:03

mean, that's a valid question. But.

1:06

Cause it's still up with my dad. Yeah. This

1:09

girl on dark jokes about her dad. I'm

1:11

so sorry. It just makes it

1:13

funny. I'm sorry. God. But

1:16

yeah, I don't know. We don't know. Hi

1:18

everyone. Hello, hello, hello.

1:20

And welcome to this week's episode

1:22

of Your Receipts. The episode

1:24

where we help you guys out with

1:27

your dilemmas, your issues, and anything you

1:29

could possibly be going through, we are

1:31

here. Your big sisters, your best friends,

1:34

your friends, enemies, your lovers, your haters,

1:36

your aunties, and your sexy, sexy ladies.

1:38

I know that's right. To help you

1:40

out and give you advice that you

1:43

may consider good or you may consider

1:45

bad, but either way, it's advice. It's

1:47

your girl, Tolly T. And just call

1:49

me Audrey. Ewww! Ewww!

1:55

Firstly, before we start this

1:57

episode, I must give Audrey...

2:00

flowers. Oh you actually literally gave me my

2:02

flowers before we came here. Thank you. Yes

2:04

you're very welcome and if you've

2:06

been here a while you know we get into a habit of

2:09

saying we're gonna do something and not

2:12

do it. See the 5k we were meant

2:14

to do five years ago. So

2:19

many things we promise we are

2:21

full of shit and that's why

2:23

I say follow God not me.

2:25

That's all I'm saying. But we

2:27

are making a change. A

2:30

change. She might not have started

2:32

swimming but she said she

2:35

was gonna do a live comedy show and

2:37

she has done it. I have. And I

2:39

was there live and direct and my gosh

2:41

she'd do it so perfectly. Thank you babe.

2:43

I'm so proud of you baby. How are

2:46

you feeling? Thank you guys.

2:48

Thank you. Thank you. Do you know

2:50

what I feel so proud of myself I'm not gonna lie.

2:52

The thing is I have always said I wanted to do

2:54

it as a bucket list thing not necessarily like a

2:56

new career or anything but you know people always tell

2:58

me I'm funny and obviously I literally tell jokes. I

3:00

was like I want to do it and just have

3:03

the experience and so yeah so I

3:06

did it and then like I was I wasn't nervous

3:08

about it up until maybe a couple

3:10

of days before because whenever you tell people

3:12

you're doing stand-up they're like you're so brave.

3:14

Yeah that's the first thing that

3:16

people say and I was like oh my god why am I brave like

3:18

oh my god you're scary you're scaring me kind of

3:20

thing but yeah no it was dope like

3:23

I loved it. I really really actually genuinely

3:25

enjoyed it so yeah I'm glad

3:27

I'm glad I did it. And how good does

3:29

it feel to keep your promises to you? It

3:31

feels so good. Like I'm not someone that challenges

3:33

myself very often like I'm very like set

3:35

in my ways like you know

3:37

I yeah I don't really like come out of

3:39

my own box very often so to do something

3:41

completely out of my comfort zone and like take

3:43

on a new challenge was dope. Like that was

3:45

my favorite thing about it the fact that I

3:47

actually did something challenging um

3:49

so yeah no it's dope like I'm really

3:52

happy. It's also really weird too because like

3:54

I um I did Story Story a couple

3:56

of weeks ago and it was

3:58

really weird because you get a different size and

4:00

you did from the sample from my live shows. Like,

4:02

I was so nervous about that also. And

4:05

I was like, is it because I'm not doing this by myself? Yeah,

4:07

because it's your thing. And also, because we're used to live shows of

4:09

having like thousands of people in the room. This is a lot more

4:11

intimate, so it feels a lot more like, oh my God, I've

4:13

got these people to like, not

4:15

prove to, but to make like, proud. Yeah,

4:18

definitely. It feels really weird. Definitely. And

4:20

then also, we're used to having each other. Yes, exactly. As well,

4:22

to lean on. So it's like, if you know that,

4:24

maybe you like fumble or something or whatever,

4:26

to need someone to kind of pick up the pieces,

4:28

when you're doing your own thing, there's

4:31

only you. There's only you. Like, only you can pick

4:33

up the pieces. So yeah, like there's so many elements

4:35

of it that are just really,

4:37

really, yeah, just

4:39

really amazing. So I'm happy. Yay!

4:42

We're both like, we've both done a lot in the

4:44

last couple of weeks, man. I know, it's been back

4:46

to back. So it's been back to back. So both

4:48

of us like. What's our next challenge?

4:50

Cheers! Cheers! What's our next challenge?

4:53

Well, by the time this episode comes out, I would have been a

4:55

10 day. Yeah, exactly. So that's, again,

4:57

we took my promise to myself. Technically, exactly.

5:00

That represents any

5:02

marathon talk we've ever talked about. Toni's like, would

5:04

have done it. No, I want to do a

5:06

group one of receipts as we still haven't figured

5:09

out a name yet. Someone said the recipients. Okay.

5:13

Which I thought was cute. The recipients. The

5:15

thing is, I don't know if it feels a bit cunty,

5:18

not in the way Bre means it, in a bad way,

5:20

to be like, oh, here's a name for my fans. Yeah,

5:22

I know what you mean. I

5:24

even still struggle with the word fans. I

5:27

always say listeners or supporters. I feel

5:29

so weird with the... Because fans just

5:31

feels very one-sided. And

5:33

also, they might not like

5:36

you. Exactly. They might like

5:38

the podcast and they might not fuck

5:40

with you. Do you know what I mean? Which is like,

5:42

the two things could be true at the same time. So

5:44

yeah, I'm always weird with the word fans. I just

5:46

say listeners or supporters. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It

5:48

just feels more like an equal exchange of

5:51

energy as opposed to like one-sided. So

5:54

we're going to do your receipts. I thought we're here for... Well, I

5:56

want to make an announcement before we do your receipts. First

6:01

and foremost, assume when

6:03

you write a dilemma to us that it will be

6:05

read out. Yes, please. And

6:08

I read between

6:10

the lines. Assume, it might not be, but assume

6:12

it will be read out. So if you sent

6:14

it and it instantly, like, actually I don't want

6:16

it read out, just re-listen if

6:18

you're like, hey, sorry, I just sent this, but I don't want it read

6:20

out, cool. But the emails are

6:22

not placed with you, just vent and be like, oh,

6:24

shit, why did I read that out? Assume

6:27

it's always going to be read out, please. So

6:29

first assumption. And two, I

6:32

just want to do this. I've just been a lot

6:34

of like, oh my God, the ads, the ads. OK.

6:37

What do you people want, man? You

6:39

know, I'm not yet. I

6:41

haven't articulated the words to say it correctly, so I'm going to get to the,

6:44

I'm going to get to dilemmas. Once I've articulated my

6:46

words, I will be back. Right, so

6:48

first dilemma. First dilemma. She states,

6:51

please keep my name anonymous. Hi,

6:53

Tolly and Audrey. I've been

6:55

listening to your podcast for two years now

6:57

and you make me laugh every other side.

6:59

Every time I listen to you, it's like

7:01

I'm spending time with my two friends. I

7:03

love seeing the guests on your podcast more

7:05

often lately. Keep seeing what you're

7:08

doing because you are both amazing women and

7:10

example to your listeners. Thank you.

7:12

My dilemma is I cry very

7:15

easily. Join the club. I

7:17

would like to change this about myself, but I don't know

7:19

how. On one hand, I believe

7:21

it's good and I can express my emotions. But

7:23

on the other hand, crying in front of other

7:26

people will not help me in the workplace. I

7:28

have been working as a primary school teacher for two

7:30

years. I started when I was 21 and I'm now

7:32

23 now. It has not

7:34

been easy to say the least. There have been incidents

7:37

where parents have verbally attacked me, blaming

7:39

me for things I didn't do and

7:41

also believing their child instead of me.

7:44

Some parents these days don't take teachers

7:46

seriously anymore and always think they know

7:48

better. And that's a conversation for another time. I

7:51

always try to keep my conversations as

7:54

professional as possible. But sometimes when a

7:56

parent has been totally unreasonable, you

7:58

just have no choice but yourself and not

8:00

let them walk all over you. During these

8:03

conversations I usually stand my ground but it's

8:05

after the heated conversation that I completely break

8:07

down. I can't handle conflicts well at all.

8:10

My colleagues are there to comfort me when

8:12

I cry. I appreciate my colleagues

8:14

who are there for me in this moment but

8:16

I don't want other people to see me cry

8:18

as I'm afraid they'll start seeing me as weak.

8:21

I hope I can learn something to help me

8:23

in stressful situations of conflict with parents and other

8:25

colleagues so that I react less emotionally. It's not

8:27

that I hysterically cry and bomb my eyes out.

8:30

Hugely, it's a few tears but even this bothers

8:32

me a lot about myself. I would love

8:34

to hear your thoughts on this. As a

8:37

frequent choir ask about

8:39

me. I cry very

8:42

easily. I cry when

8:44

I'm happy, angry, sad,

8:47

excited, nervous. There's all those a tear dot

8:49

there waiting to come out. I'm a choir

8:51

to the point that like that's one of

8:53

the reasons my mom sent me back to

8:55

Nigeria when she first had me. So

8:59

nice story. So I was born in 1989 in Foverscape Newham

9:03

General Hospital. The same hospital was Audrey

9:06

years before she was born. Many

9:08

many years and

9:11

my mum was in the hotel at the time and

9:13

I used to cry so much they kicked

9:15

her out because I

9:17

wouldn't let her do anything. She has to take

9:19

me to the toilet to shit because I never

9:22

stopped crying and I've taken that

9:24

quiet into adulthood. I

9:27

have no desire to change it about myself.

9:30

I think I don't

9:33

think it's weak. It's just how I express emotion.

9:35

I think it says very little about my strengths.

9:37

I just think it's just how you express emotion.

9:39

What will happen is there are certain things that

9:41

I would cry. I used to cry when I

9:43

was angry a lot. I'd cry when

9:45

I was angry. It used to be a thing I used

9:47

to do a lot. That I've actually reigned it in now

9:49

because I've just aimed for straight venom. It's

9:53

pure anger. That's really helped me. So if that's

9:55

what you want to aim for. I don't

9:58

know. I don't think it's a bad thing. I don't know what to

10:00

tell you to be like, don't do it. And I think enough of

10:02

those situations will happen, but you actually stop crying. Yeah,

10:05

exactly. And I feel like, like crying is

10:07

a physical reaction, isn't it? So there isn't

10:09

really anything, I don't think there's anything you

10:11

can do to stop it. Like it's how

10:13

you express emotion. It's

10:15

how you express your feelings. So

10:17

I don't, I don't, if there was

10:19

a button to make you stop crying, I would say push it.

10:22

But I don't, there isn't, do you know what I mean? I

10:24

don't think there's actually anything that you can do. Are

10:26

there tools in which like maybe

10:28

situations where you can walk away. So I feel

10:31

like sometimes when something's going on and it's very

10:33

heated, like say, for example, you're in a parent

10:35

teacher meeting and you know, and it's going off

10:38

in that circumstance, is there a way in

10:40

which you can maybe just excuse yourself and

10:42

go gather, gather, gather yourself for a minute

10:44

elsewhere? Because I feel like sometimes when

10:46

you're in the heat of the moment, it kind of

10:48

high ends emotions and it makes things feel worse. So

10:50

I mean, that's just a little tip for just, you

10:52

know, any scenario that you might find yourself in, if

10:54

you really feel like you don't want to see, let

10:56

these people see you in that vulnerable position, just

10:59

step away, excuse yourself and just be like, I

11:01

just need a minute, walk away, gather yourself and

11:03

you will find that you actually want to start

11:05

to calm down. The tears kind of start to

11:08

like recant. But I don't, yeah, I agree with you.

11:10

There's nothing wrong with crying whatsoever. I don't think

11:12

it's a sign of weakness at all.

11:14

It's just how you express yourself. I

11:17

would say, sorry, is that your client isn't

11:19

always in an audience. It's fine

11:21

for your colleagues. If you just have a heated argument

11:23

with the parent, go to the toilet, gather yourself and

11:25

go out. Like if you feel quite shy about it,

11:27

it just doesn't require an audience. I think

11:29

that's when it might be like, if people don't

11:31

see it, they can't perceive it in any way.

11:33

So like, and also you said you've been teaching

11:35

for two years. It's still relatively quite new. That's

11:37

very new. They're going to grow thick skin eventually.

11:39

Like, I went to a wayward school to just

11:41

come in to be up to, they were just coming

11:44

to be up to you. So there's that. So

11:47

I think eventually you grow the

11:49

thick skin. At the moment, you're there two years,

11:51

you're dealing with children, you're dealing with parents who

11:53

clearly love their kids and feel like maybe

11:55

you've been disrespected. But you grow thick skin.

11:58

Be gentle with yourself. You're not committing

12:00

the worst crime in the world. It's okay. And I

12:02

think because you're telling yourself that this is a bad

12:04

thing, sometimes that makes things worse. Like,

12:06

you know, when you're showing your head about something, it

12:09

heightens it. I feel like if you maybe

12:11

try to reverse the narrative and tell yourself, actually,

12:13

this isn't a bad thing, you might find yourself,

12:15

I don't know, it might have the opposite effect.

12:17

I don't know. But yeah,

12:19

I just think that you have got nothing

12:21

to feel ashamed about. But yeah, if

12:23

it's something that, yeah, you don't want to let people see

12:26

you in such a vulnerable position, which I

12:28

totally understand. Don't feel a way to

12:30

walk away from a scenario. Don't

12:32

feel a way to excuse yourself, gather,

12:34

and then come back. But

12:36

you're not doing anything wrong. Like, I'm not

12:38

a crier, really. I

12:40

have my moments every now and then, but

12:43

there's nothing I can do to make myself prior. There's

12:46

nothing I can do to stop myself crying if I really want

12:48

to. So yeah, I just think this is

12:50

just who you are. And it's just part of, you have

12:52

to accept it. Oh my gosh, I jumped right onto the

12:54

airport the other day. And the way we both were bawling,

12:56

you would have thought we were like, lovely, oh, that's so

12:59

sick. Oh, that was so sad. And then I sat in

13:01

the car after, and I started crying, and I'm going by

13:03

with that, bitch, you made that beat, and I'm like, fucking

13:05

way. I'm like, I'm sorry. Yeah,

13:07

that's a bit wrong, Gavik. There's nothing wrong with it.

13:09

Big girls do cry. Exactly. You said

13:12

that, Gavik. Fergie, yeah. Big

13:14

girls don't cry, don't cry,

13:16

don't cry. Next

13:18

dilemma. Next dilemma. Yeah.

13:21

Let's go. Hi, ladies. Hello. I

13:23

can't believe that I'm writing a dilemma. I

13:26

know everyone says this, but as a day

13:28

one listener, SoundCloud days, I have agreed

13:30

with both of your advice for years. So of course

13:32

I would need to message you now that I have

13:35

my own problem. Firstly, as tradition

13:37

would dictate, my verbal offering to

13:39

you both, you are incredible women,

13:41

funny, smart, kind, wise beyond your

13:44

years, and real world

13:46

oracles. Wow. I find your

13:48

vulnerability around all aspects in your life,

13:50

including your faith, so inspiring. May

13:52

you build long careers with your God-given gifts

13:54

that you so deserve it. Amen. Amen.

13:57

Thank you. So onto the drama. I'm in my

13:59

late twin. based up north in the UK. I've

14:02

been dating my partner for just over a

14:04

year and they are amazing. Kind, strong, loving,

14:06

and the most respectful king. Plus you can

14:08

say tall, dark, and handsome. I wouldn't change

14:11

anything about him. However,

14:16

they have a stalker. Oh. My

14:18

shit. A real life actual bunny boiler stalker and

14:20

I just don't know how to help. Can you

14:23

bite? When

14:25

we first started dating, he mentioned that he had

14:27

a crazy ex, but everyone says that. My

14:30

bae explained that they had a summer fling and when

14:32

he had to start traveling for work, he decided to

14:34

end it with her and that she didn't take it

14:36

well. He then met me the Christmas

14:38

after and we've been together since. I

14:41

thought she was just an ex who wanted

14:43

to get back and said, please stop mentioning

14:45

your ex. I don't want any drama and

14:47

her name coming up too much, which I

14:49

now regret because he just stopped telling me

14:52

and all the while it has been escalating

14:54

from phone calls, from odd numbers, text messages,

14:56

WhatsApp messages, SMS to his iPad and

14:58

IG messages all saying the most ridiculous and

15:00

cruel rubbish. To now threats

15:02

of burning down the house, damaging

15:04

his car and threatening me, sending

15:07

lots of abuse about my image,

15:09

body weight, et cetera. Ma'am, the

15:11

police, the cops. Bro, we

15:13

also think they have hacked his phone and or

15:16

emails because she has been saying stuff she could

15:18

only know if she saw his pictures or read

15:20

his messages, such as where we are planning on

15:22

going on holiday, et cetera. It's

15:24

just wild. My bae is

15:27

the silent type. And until he had a

15:29

tipsy cry during his boy's birthday party, imagine

15:31

seeing your man cry at a party. I

15:33

was so heartbroken. I had no idea how

15:35

bad it all was. I'm also

15:37

worried about my own safety. I'd

15:39

be crying in a fire, but I don't want to let

15:42

her win by having it damage our

15:44

relationship. He's my man, thank you. So my question

15:46

is, apart from getting the police involved, which we

15:48

will, how else can I support him and encourage

15:50

him not to bottle it up? As I know

15:52

how much it is getting to him as well

15:55

as me. Sorry

15:57

it's a long one, but we'd love to hear what you think as you're both so

15:59

good at this. Thank you. know

36:00

how he reacts. Meanwhile I'm slightly

36:02

afraid that it might get back round to

36:04

him as he had a few mutuals that

36:06

came on the trips. Sorry

36:12

I'm laughing. Sorry. Oh gosh,

36:14

that fear man. I'm laughing

36:16

because I don't know why. I'm

36:20

the one that says my kink. Oh

36:22

god. It gets

36:25

me growing. Do I

36:27

tell him or leave it? See next

36:29

it's almost a year and he hasn't found

36:31

out yet. Oh I

36:33

know why you both shit to the point. I love that.

36:35

Yeah, good. I love it. This is urgent. It's not painful.

36:39

It's not painful. I just fall for the man. It's the

36:41

fucking shit. I fucked a guy in holiday.

36:43

My man doesn't know. We have mutuals who

36:46

know what to do. Audrey?

36:48

Do you know what? Yeah, I remember someone tweeted and

36:50

they were like, oh why is he doing that?

36:56

And they were like, why is he telling you that

36:58

Audrey never encouraged like honesty in relationships? I don't know

37:00

why he's putting it on me. I don't

37:02

know why I'm in it. And

37:05

this is, I'll tell you why, okay? Because I'm older

37:07

than many of you that write into this hip podcast

37:09

and I've lived and I've seen things, right? And

37:12

so for me, it's not about not

37:14

wanting to be honest in all of that

37:16

stuff. I think sometimes that

37:18

stuff is really airy fairy. I'm sorry. I'm going to keep it

37:20

a buck. Like me, I live in the real fucking world.

37:22

Okay. I live in the real

37:24

world and it's like, you can do

37:26

all of that. Oh yeah, I just want to

37:29

be transparent and have honesty and all of that.

37:31

But the repercussions sometimes honestly are not

37:33

worth it for the damage that can be caused if you

37:35

do not want to end that relationship. Okay.

37:38

If you want to stay in that

37:40

relationship and you want to thrive

37:42

and all the rest

37:44

of it and you know, like this is something that will never happen

37:46

again. It was a one-off. I truly love my man

37:49

and I want to work on it. Personally, the things

37:52

that will come off the back of you telling the

37:54

truth will end up demolishing

37:57

the relationship anyway. Do you know what I mean? So I feel like if

40:00

Like that anxiety, I don't agree in telling

40:02

people things because you want to offload, live with that

40:04

fucking guilt. Like I personally think, I don't think you should put

40:06

that on someone else. Like you let that eat

40:08

you up inside. Don't go rooming someone else's happiness.

40:10

And that's the guilt you get for fucking up.

40:12

Exactly. And that is essentially the punishment in my

40:14

opinion. But with this

40:16

scenario, I do think there is something

40:18

about like, I wouldn't want

40:21

to live on edge kind of thing. Do you

40:23

know what I mean? Like that's a very uncomfortable

40:25

way to live. Worrying that at any given moment

40:27

it could come out and someone

40:29

could weaponize it and all the, like a million

40:31

things would go through my head in that sense.

40:33

But because a year has gone past and nothing

40:36

has been said, if

40:38

it was closer to the time, if it

40:40

was more fresh, then I'd probably lean towards,

40:42

you know, say it because I feel like

40:44

with certain things, you've got a particular window,

40:46

there's a certain timeframe. I feel like a

40:49

year actually is going to add to the damage and make it

40:51

worse. Cause it's like, so you've been sitting on this a year. Other

40:53

people know, and you cheat on me. There's just

40:56

so many different elements. It's

40:59

a real sticky one. I'm

41:01

going to stick to my usual position and

41:03

say, keep it to yourself. I can't lie.

41:06

If it was done to me, I'd want to know. If

41:09

I did the doing, I'm

41:13

not saying shit. Yeah, I can't lie to

41:15

you. I don't think I

41:18

would say it so deeply. It

41:20

never basically never even happens. And

41:22

that thing I'm so good at it. Same.

41:25

So I am so good at every so often. I think it

41:27

will come back and haunt me though. The one

41:29

that haunts me was when I danced on

41:31

stage at Brunel University. And I always wanted

41:34

to dance on stage. What did you do?

41:36

Hang on, wait, you danced on stage? I've never said this.

41:38

What, ACS? Oh, yeah, honestly. So

41:40

there was like an ACS talent show. Talent

41:44

show? There was an ACS talent show at

41:46

Brunel University. ACS is for African Caribbean society.

41:48

I never joined, I thought it was a

41:50

cult. But anyway, I went to all of the events. There

41:54

was ACS talent show. And after did

41:56

a dancing competition. And

41:58

I don't know why I went on stage to dance. competition

42:01

and I

42:03

saw that I was losing so I turned the man and started

42:05

shaking my bum. Oh my god

42:07

I can't even imagine you doing that. I had

42:09

nothing else to do. She

42:12

had nothing else in the bag. And it's haunted

42:14

me. At

42:16

least you were like what 18? I know but

42:18

it's still honestly every time I see I know

42:20

it was on a denim dress. I know everything

42:23

about that day makes me feel sick. Sorry

42:26

sis I feel your pain. Honestly

42:28

makes me feel physically sick and I didn't even

42:30

cheat on anyone. Exactly that

42:32

was just you. No

42:35

do you know what I think tell I think the good advice

42:37

here is to tell but deal with the repercussions of your telling.

42:41

Yeah sometimes that is a thing like

42:43

and I think if you were going

42:45

to go down that avenue be prepared

42:47

that because men

42:49

don't accept cheating the way women do man. Like

42:51

it's a very different kettle of fish and

42:54

because bare people know. And also remember. Are you

42:56

going to tell them that bad people know? No

42:58

not only when you tell him when

43:00

you tell him he might he's then

43:02

the other person you cheated with and

43:05

their partner she might find

43:07

out and they've got kids together. No. Do you

43:09

know that if you do tell him you are

43:11

kind of burning the house down and all because

43:13

like that happened weird thingy. Oh

43:16

my god I'm just sorry I just can't who else can I say. Oh yeah we

43:18

got it. Oh

43:24

my god. Yeah

43:27

yeah yeah just remember that it's going

43:30

to burn the whole house down because your man can

43:32

find out and go approach the guy you cheated with

43:34

and you're all mutuals and then the girlfriend's going to

43:36

be like what everyone knew you can tell me. Exactly then

43:38

there goes the holidays. Yeah so consider

43:41

the repercussions to your actions.

43:43

Exactly consider the repercussions to

43:45

what happens when you tell him and to

43:47

your relationship because the chances are he probably

43:49

will end it. Yeah and you'll lose friends. Yeah

43:51

and you'll lose friends and me. My

43:57

lips will be shut. So we didn't actually tell you what

43:59

to do there but we. But you've got

44:01

two options. Toni says tell, I say keep

44:03

it to yourself. Before she votes, she had

44:05

two options. True. To

44:07

tell her not to tell. Well, hopefully,

44:09

why in that dilemma as major have

44:11

something? Yeah, yeah. Right,

44:13

next dilemma, next dilemma. Next dilemma. Yeah.

44:16

Hey, girlies. Hello. Hope

44:19

you're all well. I'm totally new to the

44:21

podcast and this one was highly recommended so I

44:23

thought I would give it a try and my goodness,

44:25

should have done sooner. Doing a great job. My

44:28

dilemma is short but mad. I've been with my partner

44:30

for 17 years, have two kids.

44:33

Recently culture has been at the forefront of

44:35

our arguments. I am Jamaican and

44:37

he is Nigerian. We both are very heavily

44:39

into our cultures and have both shown our

44:42

children both sides. However,

44:45

lately it's taken its toll on our relationship to a point where

44:47

we are on the edge of a breakup. I

44:50

have many of times attempted to cook Nigerian food,

44:52

even got a Nigerian cookbook to show that I'm

44:54

making an effort and etc. And

44:56

in his head, my efforts have not been good enough as

44:59

I haven't gone on to make a Gucci suit and etc. I

45:02

have kept it safe and he feels like

45:04

I'm not embracing his culture. My partner has

45:07

never cooked a Jamaican milk ever but

45:09

often he will eat it whenever it is around,

45:11

apart from curry chicken, laugh out loud. I

45:13

have often struggled to find a Nigerian

45:15

food that I like, especially in the meat

45:18

department, no disrespect at all. I'm just really a

45:20

bit finicky about food. That bit wasn't the same.

45:24

My partner has said to me that at first he didn't

45:26

like Jamaican food. What in the culture was this guy doing?

45:28

Why? My partner has said to me

45:30

that at first he didn't like Jamaican food but because he loved

45:32

me he learnt it and that is a fucking lie. Everyone

45:35

loves Jamaican food. Don't be a liar. That is

45:37

a lie. Don't be fucking fucking with me, you're

45:39

right. Now Jimus makes shit meat. You're

45:42

making shit eat chicken. You're making shit chicken. Why are you making

45:44

shit? My partner has said to me

45:46

that at first he didn't like Jamaican food but because he

45:48

loved me he learnt to adapt and accepts my food. He

45:51

was eating chicken and said nah, not for me. No, that's

45:53

cap. I would never have been mad

45:55

if he didn't eat my food. You said

45:57

not. Exactly. Jerk and curry goat. You

45:59

said not. Not for me. Patty, no, not for me.

46:01

Roti and... Oh, OK, OK, sure.

46:04

I would never have been mad if he didn't eat

46:06

my food because it's your taste buds and I cannot

46:08

change it nor force it. Am I meant to pretend

46:10

I like something that I do not genuinely like for

46:12

him or is he tripping and should just accept it

46:14

for what it is? Please help because at this point

46:17

I don't know what to do. Thank you. If

46:21

the argument is just about food... Is it just about food?

46:23

That's what I'm talking about. Exactly. Because

46:26

I feel like... I thought that it was going to be a lot more cultural

46:28

reference. Yeah. I mean, food is a big

46:30

thing, but it's not that much of a big thing. Like everyone just cook your

46:32

own thing and eat what you want. You just don't have to talk about it.

46:34

You just don't have to talk about food. Exactly. Like,

46:36

don't... It feels like a bit of a like... A

46:39

culture back and forth. Do you know what I mean? That's

46:42

what it was given to me. You guys didn't... Wars or like

46:44

on Twitter or something like that in your household. Like, what

46:46

is going on? Yeah. Do you know what the truth

46:49

is, babe? You guys went to bed for 17 years. The

46:51

boiler chicken and the direct chicken is not your issue. There's

46:54

deeper issues and it has been... You

46:57

have put this as two... Because this is what

46:59

feels most obvious. This is not the problem. Do

47:01

you guys have problems? This is not the problem.

47:03

I think once you work out what the problem

47:05

is, come back. Exactly. It's not the chicken.

47:07

It's not. It's not. It's

47:10

just not. It's not. Never.

47:14

We never. Like, I mean, we have like banter

47:16

about, oh, you don't cook enough Sierra

47:18

Leone food and stuff like that. But it's

47:20

really... That's where it ends. Like, it's not actually...

47:22

It's not going to diminish our relationship in any

47:24

way. And I think you're 100% right. I

47:27

think that the food is a mask

47:29

for a bigger problem that maybe you

47:31

haven't identified. But the culture thing is

47:34

such an easy go-to thing to blame

47:36

it on that. But maybe you guys

47:38

are just clashing a bit more or maybe you're just bickering

47:40

a bit more because I don't know. Maybe, I don't know.

47:42

I don't know. I don't want to put anything in your

47:44

relationship. But I do feel like it's bigger than food. Because

47:46

if it really literally is just about food, everyone

47:48

cook your own things and go your separate way.

47:51

It's like, please. You don't have to eat. You

47:53

have allergies and you can't even eat. Exactly. You

47:55

don't have to eat Nigerian food if you don't want to. He

47:57

doesn't have to eat Jamaican food if he doesn't want to.

48:00

Like that really is how I would tell this one. And

48:02

sometimes we feed from different cultures. If you don't know it,

48:04

you're not from that culture, the look of it doesn't look

48:06

appealing. There's some Angier and Mills, like if you're not from

48:08

that culture, that actually looks not nice. Same with Ghanaian food.

48:10

Yeah, you're not in, so I can understand to be like,

48:12

if you're not from that culture, you don't know it. You

48:15

don't have to talk about it. It doesn't mean to be

48:17

vegan. You don't have to insult it. You just don't need

48:19

it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Your issue is not food, sis. Once

48:21

you figure it out, please come back to us. We're not

48:23

always here, but it's not chicken. Yeah. And

48:25

I'm not giving advice about chicken, but it's not chicken. Yeah. And

48:28

even if it is, because there are bigger cultural issues that I

48:30

can imagine could come

48:33

into play here. And you haven't mentioned it,

48:35

whether it be like a religious thing, whether it

48:37

be how you bring your kids up, language, like,

48:39

you know, all of that stuff. Like, so

48:41

if it's anything to do with that, like Tony said, write back, but

48:44

I don't know about the chicken thing. And

48:46

yeah, absolutely fair. You don't know, you haven't made a good sea.

48:48

I haven't fucking made a good sea. Do you know how hard

48:50

that thing is to make? I think it's hard to make, but

48:52

it's like, certain Angier and Mills, if you don't know, you don't

48:54

know. You don't know exactly. If you don't have a vested interest

48:57

in making it, cause you know, you're not going to eat it.

48:59

I understand. Like you want to- Well, it takes ages to eat

49:01

it in two minutes. It's long. You want to cook things that

49:03

your taste buds align with. I

49:05

get it. So yeah, like it's, I just really

49:07

don't think it's that deep. Or you could merge

49:09

it like jollof rice and

49:11

jerk chicken slaps. That

49:14

is an elite combo. Like you can

49:16

even have a gusi with roti. That

49:19

would slap. No?

49:22

I don't know. I just said anything. But

49:25

I mean, I don't know. And also this food

49:28

we have in common, rice. Exactly rice.

49:30

Exactly chicken. Chicken, just cooked differently. Yeah.

49:32

We love some curry goat. Exactly. We love-

49:35

Just the one, oxtail. Oxtail, sart. Oxtail

49:37

with a side of jollof rice. Oh my god. Have

49:39

you not seen them live vibrational plates? That

49:42

have jollof rice, mac and cheese, oxtail,

49:44

salad, boiler chicken for design. Some amalade.

49:46

Come on man. Audrey, stop talking. Cause

49:48

no one has mixed some amalade

49:51

before. You can't have amalade on the plate as well. No! That's

49:53

amalade again. Amalade is solid. It's the black

49:55

one. Oh no. I was thinking of

49:58

the other one that's made from yam. No,

50:00

the other one is that orangey. Is that orangey?

50:03

Is that what it's called? Yeah, yeah. Yeah,

50:05

yeah. That's what I meant. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

50:08

Yeah. Right. Last

50:10

dilemma. Okay. It's

50:12

titled, teach me how to act broke and choose

50:14

a man. Interesting. Okay.

50:18

Hi, lovely ladies. First of all, as for tradition,

50:20

thank you for being the oldest sisters that I

50:22

never had. Tolly, when someone

50:24

tries to take me for a mug, I hear your

50:26

voice in my head. Am I a dickhead? Audrey,

50:29

your dickhead. Your dad jokes are epic.

50:31

Don't ever stop. Onto my dilemma,

50:33

I have two. There's too

50:35

much context to put, so I have no

50:38

choice but to keep it short. For context,

50:40

I am a 32-year-old Muslim girl, woman. When

50:43

I found out I was in a couple

50:45

grand credit card debt, impulsive spending, everyday treats,

50:47

and I've just never been through girls smart

50:50

with money. I then got into

50:52

a loving but unhealthy relationship with a wealthy man

50:54

for two years and access to his money allowed

50:56

me to clear my debts and actually get savings,

50:58

good girl. We have now broken

51:00

up, and even though he has secured

51:03

me financially for half a year, I

51:05

am terrified at managing on my own money again.

51:07

I would see friends in the early 30s saving

51:10

three grand for a car, and I could never.

51:13

I'm so scared that after becoming debt

51:15

free, I will fall back into debt,

51:17

and I am not wise with money,

51:19

and I need to be the second

51:21

time in my life. The breakup was loving

51:23

and kind. I'm now using apps to

51:25

find other guys where I feel confused.

51:28

I started talking to someone super kind,

51:30

and we have similar views and interests.

51:32

He is Mondayly pleasant in a lovely

51:34

way, but I find at some point

51:36

conversations will probably run out. How

51:39

do I not let chemistry or

51:41

expectations cloud my judgment? It's

51:43

nice and kind enough to sustain a potential

51:45

marriage. Sending you much love

51:48

and prayers may God keep you enveloped

51:50

in his love, mercy, and protection always.

51:52

Amen. The first thing, how to

51:54

sort out you not being bad with money. And

51:58

that should not always be very good with money. Yeah,

52:00

you are. You're really good for money. And

52:02

what would you say you're good with money? I've gotten

52:04

better. You've got better, yeah. I used to be terrible, but

52:06

I've gotten a lot better because of that exact same

52:08

fear. I was the same. I

52:10

was in so much debt when I was in

52:12

uni. I wrapped up mad credit cards, mad

52:15

overdrafts. I used to just go around from bank

52:17

to bank opening accounts so I could get access

52:19

to the overdrafts. That

52:22

was literally how I lived my life at one point. I

52:24

had an account with every single bank. So I was

52:26

really, really bad with money. And it got so bad

52:29

to the point where I ended up being really like

52:31

drowning in all of this debt and I didn't know

52:33

what to do because my mum is a stickler

52:36

for credit and finance. She's

52:38

so brilliant with money. And I ended up having to go

52:40

to my mum and confess. And my mum was like, we

52:43

need to sort this out. We need to sort it out ASAP and

52:45

she really helped me get back on track. And honestly,

52:47

that fear is what has stopped me from getting back

52:50

into that place. So I was like, I don't ever

52:52

want to be in that place where you've

52:54

got debts coming out of your ears. It's horrible. It's

52:56

horrible. So I just feel like you've

52:59

been there before. So

53:01

if that fear is not

53:03

enough for you to just get it together

53:05

and say, I don't want to end

53:07

up in this position again, because very few of

53:09

us, you're so privileged to be in a

53:11

position where someone helps you clear your debt. A lot

53:14

of people do not have that. A lot of people are struggling. They're

53:16

working extra jobs. They're doing whatever

53:18

they need to do to make ends meet so that they can clear

53:20

their debts, reduce their things, pay their credit cards. So first of

53:22

all, I think you just need to start by considering yourself. Very

53:25

lucky that you've had a second opportunity and

53:27

you didn't really have to do very much for it. That's

53:29

a bloody privilege. So start there. But

53:33

I think that I hear

53:35

it. I hear it. It's a very real fear. But

53:38

honestly, there isn't a magic

53:40

answer. It's just going to take willpower. That's

53:42

it. And you're just going to have to

53:44

tell yourself to do better, unfortunately. I'm sure

53:46

that there are practical things that they have

53:48

in places. If you want

53:51

to put money in a bank and not touch it and not

53:53

have... You can have a

53:55

bank account where you don't have a card for it. But

53:57

someone that's bad with money, you will find a way to

53:59

get into that bank account. So I say all about to

54:01

say that you're still going to have to lean on that

54:03

willpower, no matter what practical things you implement and put

54:06

in place. If you don't start off with the

54:08

willpower thing, you're always going

54:10

to end up back at square one. So you're really just

54:12

going to have to work on that, unfortunately. I don't think

54:14

there's anything else you can do apart from remember how bad

54:16

things were and remember that you don't want to be back

54:19

in that place. And sometimes that comparison is the thief

54:21

of joy, but honestly, sometimes it can be a motivator. If

54:23

you're seeing your friends are doing certain things, like one thing

54:25

my mom always used to say to me is one day,

54:27

all your friends are going to have a car. One day

54:29

all your friends are going to be able to do

54:31

this and do that. And you won't be able to

54:33

do it. And honestly, that put the fear of God

54:35

in me. I'd be like, I don't want to, you

54:38

don't want to be the only person that's like lagging

54:40

behind and it's through your own being irresponsible on your

54:42

own. And there's no one else to blame. So maybe

54:44

use that in a look like

54:46

in a way to motivate you in some way,

54:48

shape or form. Like you don't want to fall

54:51

back. You don't want to be lagging behind

54:53

and it's all down to your own control. Do you know what I mean?

54:55

So you're just going to have to be tough with the money

54:58

thing. There's nothing else. You

55:00

have to be an adult. Yes, just get over it. And

55:02

you need an adult. Like I'm really

55:04

good with money because of fear of losing

55:07

it. Of fear of like, because I grew up

55:09

really like my mom was, it wasn't

55:12

that because she was bad with money because she didn't

55:14

have any money. So like bills are missed, things were

55:16

missed because she didn't have the money and things like

55:18

that. So like I grew up with like, oh, don't

55:20

open the door because the debt collector's knocking at the

55:22

door or like I wanted this and we couldn't do

55:24

it because we didn't have the money sort of thing.

55:26

And since then, I very much put instilled in myself

55:28

to be like, yeah, no, like, like, and I see

55:30

with me and my siblings as well, we're all very

55:32

like, and in fact, it's a way that it's not

55:34

always necessarily good because I'm so cautious and so like

55:36

almost fearful with it. I feel like I have to

55:39

hoard it just in case of like, that's a good

55:41

thing to hoard though. Yeah, yeah. Not bedsheets and

55:43

towels and fucking newspapers. Like

55:45

you're funny about spending stuff or things like that. And

55:47

like, I've like learned to be like, I call, I

55:49

spend on things that make sense. Or occasionally, I'll treat

55:51

here or there is fine. I like, I like would

55:53

be like, I call spending money to my property is

55:55

not the bit like it's a good thing eventually. And

55:58

I remember years ago reading something. and she was,

56:00

I think it was, it was a wealthy

56:02

woman and they were asking her what her saving

56:05

things takes. And then she's like, she doesn't, she just makes more.

56:08

If you're in a position to be like, you know what,

56:10

I know I'm not good at money, but I always make

56:12

some, then cool, you can run that life. And I remember

56:14

I've seen it, I want that to be my life. I

56:17

don't want to order to be anxious about money because I

56:19

know that I'm always gonna be like, able to make it

56:21

sort of thing. And you just have to be an adult

56:23

about money. Like, especially if you're in a position where you

56:25

can't have it and you're not living hand to mouth. Is

56:27

it? No, that's the disease. Yeah, hand to mouth. So you're

56:30

thinking of foot and mouth. Foot and mouth, my bad. And

56:32

you're not living that hand to mouth and you have spares.

56:34

Like be an adult, like put something to the side. And

56:36

I'm not saying don't treat yourself, but like

56:38

I do a thing now, I put certain

56:40

percentages. You could pay me one pound and

56:43

put 40% of that into tax, because

56:46

fuck England. And I fuck that. And the other 40%

56:48

into my savings. And I only spent 20%. That's

56:52

how I live my life. Pay me one pound 50, 40 into tax.

56:54

And if I didn't have to, if I didn't live the way that,

56:56

if it was like collected by tax, naturally if

56:59

I wasn't a freelancer, I would

57:02

always put 40% of whatever I made into

57:04

my savings. Like

57:07

at all times, because it just gives you the peace

57:09

of mind. And whatever I do, that 20% run that.

57:12

Like I can be useless about 20% and whatever.

57:14

But I just think you just have to be

57:17

a grown up and be strict with yourself. And

57:19

it's not a case of acting broke, it's about

57:21

acting responsibly. You are in a position where someone

57:23

was able to clear your debt. I think all

57:25

of this fluffy talk of like, oh, you know,

57:27

don't be so hard on yourself. No, grow up

57:29

being adult. Yeah, if you don't wanna end up in debt and

57:32

you don't wanna, you know, then you're gonna just have

57:34

to. And I feel like sometimes when it comes to

57:36

this conversation about money, people make such a hard

57:38

stance on it. It doesn't have to be a

57:40

hard stance. Like what Tolly said, you can still

57:42

live life. Like there isn't, you don't have to

57:44

choose between eating and saving. Like you can do

57:46

a bit of everything, but so long as you've

57:48

done what needs to be done and that comes

57:50

first, your bills are paid, your money's put away

57:52

for savings for a rainy day. And then you

57:54

wanna blow the rest of your money cool. But

57:56

just so long as you know that, you can't

57:58

be dipping into that. I feel like sometimes you

58:00

know when you've got that safety blanket, you're like, oh, it's

58:02

fine because I've got that. Like you kind of have to

58:04

subconsciously forget about that money and have a goal

58:07

for it and just know that that is there

58:09

for a particular reason. But you don't have to

58:11

literally live like hands to mouth. You don't have

58:13

to. Like you can still enjoy yourself. You can

58:15

still live life, but just make sure you do

58:17

what needs to be done first. And you know,

58:19

once you get into the spirit of it, and

58:21

honestly, there's something really nice about month

58:24

to month, seeing that number

58:26

accumulate, because that's what motivates me sometimes.

58:29

It's nice that like it's growing as

58:31

opposed to like you're constantly dipping in, you're constantly

58:33

dipping in. But yeah, there's not unfortunately,

58:35

there's no hack. I'm a

58:37

believer of spending money. I'm a big believer of treating

58:39

yourself. I'm a big believer of that. My mum's always

58:41

said to me, money's a guest that comes and it

58:44

goes. So like there'd be times of

58:46

it where it's here, it's active. And the times are

58:48

like, this thing is somehow. But I always just think

58:50

have a reserve just in case it is looking a

58:52

bit sticky. So that is a thing of you

58:54

just have to grow up and have some willpower. How old did you

58:56

say you were? Man. You are 32. We

59:00

can't be saying, like, you know what I mean?

59:02

Like, we're going to need to be for real.

59:04

And I think those things are really like, you're

59:06

very lucky that someone's helping you to get out

59:08

of that situation. You don't want to be in

59:10

that situation. You say again, you're earning, I

59:12

assume, because you, yeah, you're earning. So

59:15

just do better for yourself because

59:17

you would appreciate it for yourself anyway. You

59:20

have a dilemma about choosing a man and

59:22

you ended a sentence with, is nice and

59:24

kind enough, is nice and kind enough to

59:26

sustain a potential marriage. I'm going to need

59:28

you to want. I don't

59:30

think it is. No, I think it's nice.

59:32

I think it's a very individual thing. But

59:38

generally, I'd say no. If that's not

59:40

what gets you going, that's not what gets you going. You

59:42

said he's mundanely pleasant. To

59:45

marry. Mundane. Mundane is a

59:47

strong word. I can't lie. Mundane is a strong

59:49

word. I've got a work of a mundanely pleasant

59:51

side. But to marry one sister. Yeah,

59:53

no. And you just got out of this one. Like,

59:56

you don't have to marry the first one you meet.

59:58

I think she's looking for another safety net. I

1:00:00

can't know. It sounds

1:00:02

like she had that safety net and

1:00:04

she's thinking if she gets into another situation

1:00:07

that could also be a safety net and once she

1:00:09

has that then she could go spend frivolously

1:00:11

because she's got the safety net. Like I think

1:00:13

actually if anything you probably need to be by

1:00:15

yourself for a little bit. Yeah,

1:00:18

I have a big thing on

1:00:20

women waiting for men to financially save

1:00:22

them. It's a big thing for me. I

1:00:25

fucking hate it. I don't

1:00:27

know if it's my bring coming like how I was brought up

1:00:29

and how my mum, I cannot stand it. I'm not into that.

1:00:31

And I'm not saying don't spend your man's money but he

1:00:33

that man is not your savior when it comes to financially and

1:00:36

men that give it to you can take it away from

1:00:38

you but hey that's the other day another conversation. Did

1:00:40

you see I saw some tweet yeah I saw it

1:00:42

was like a meme and someone had tweeted oh I

1:00:44

wish that Rihanna would have got back with her billionaire

1:00:46

boyfriend and then someone replied and they were like not

1:00:48

everyone's eating so they can be fed or something. Do

1:00:52

you know how to date her? Yeah probably yeah.

1:00:54

When you've been able to set yourself up in a certain

1:00:59

way and I'm not saying like lavishly have loads of

1:01:01

money or whatever you don't date out of hunger. Do

1:01:03

you know what it is to do out of desperation

1:01:05

and hunger you're picking anything and let me tell you

1:01:07

that men will spot you. They know they are they

1:01:09

will spot. Let's leave me the fuck alone because they

1:01:11

know they're not worthy and I'm not even trying to

1:01:14

be big headed or funny or whatever like sir use

1:01:16

that rubbish somewhere else. Exactly those boring lines if I'm

1:01:18

gonna get you a bag and all that stuff it

1:01:21

doesn't run with everybody. What else

1:01:23

do you have to offer you know and

1:01:25

yeah I'm really gonna need us to yeah we'll talk

1:01:27

about that in more depth in another episode. Yeah

1:01:29

yeah it's a big thing for me and why

1:01:31

is that like I don't know what that feel

1:01:33

where's the house and pays it all. When they

1:01:36

swipe this house from under your. Please go and

1:01:38

look at the story with Teresa Giudice that lady

1:01:40

went to jail okay because she was signing everything.

1:01:42

I remember we'll swipe the nice part of you.

1:01:44

One of my uncle left his wife and he

1:01:46

left her the who-bait so that's because the only

1:01:48

thing she paid for. I said uh less than

1:01:50

learn not me buddy um but anyway I've

1:01:53

been your girl Toni T and I've been

1:01:56

just cooby-orgie and thank you so much listening to that

1:01:58

episode of JUBI SEATS if you have any. any

1:02:00

advice that you'd like to give these people,

1:02:03

please use the hashtag the receipts podcast and

1:02:05

yeah. Yeah. Anything else? No, that's

1:02:07

all. Anymore for any more? That's all folks. So

1:02:09

that really made me here. Anyway,

1:02:12

bye. Peace. This episode is brought

1:02:14

to you by Spotify. Sure is.