0:00

Alright. We know we have emotions. We have emotions that course through our bodies

0:05

day in, day out. Half of our life is wonderful. It's amazing.

0:09

The other half is not so much and we wanna avoid those and we wanna dodge those, but yet we have to be able to process those. What does processing your emotions mean?

0:19

Why are is processing your emotions so important?

0:23

How do you process those emotions? We're gonna be talking about that this week

0:27

on episode 232 of the relaxed

0:31

male. This is the relaxed male,

0:34

a show that comes to you each week helping men to remove the nice guy from their life, so they can actually live their life on their terms.

0:44

Join the host certified coach, Brian Goodwin, as he helps men step out of their heads and become free from the thoughts that bind them.

0:54

Amen. Hello, and welcome to the relaxed mail. I'm your host, Brian, and I am a certified men's coach that assists men who are just going through their

1:03

day to day suffering. They're just neck deep in the overwhelm, the frustration

1:07

of trying to have the relationship that they want, trying to get the

1:13

the spark back in their relationship, and that's what we're doing here. We help guys

1:20

find the their why, get themselves

1:23

on the other side, press through those scary parts. Because on the other side, you've got your bride waiting for you

1:29

to to live your life and live your life to the fullest.

1:33

And the only way you can do that is by bettering yourself, and that's what we do each week. We work to see if we can help you men

1:41

become a better man, become better,

1:43

all well rounded man so that you can actually lead your family

1:48

and lead your life with the purpose that you want to want to have.

1:52

And that's exactly one of the big things we're gonna be talking about this week.

1:57

And that is that my my ideas of when it comes

2:02

to processing your emotions. Now granted, this isn't something new. This isn't something wonderful and great that I came up with. Actually, I heard about the concept of processing your emotions from my mentor, Brooke Castillo.

2:13

And it took a little while for me to fully understand what she was meaning by processing your mind. What what do you mean

2:20

processing your emotions? And you're supposed to are you, you know because I would hear her say, well, you wanna sit and just be with your emotions. It's like, but what does that look like?

2:31

You know? And it's just kind of the comp the differences between the man and the fema man and a woman is that we we look at the same thing, and we will have 2 different types of

2:42

experiences, what we're looking for. And that's one of the big things about

2:48

about this whole process of process,

2:52

of process of processing your emotions,

2:56

because it's something that we need be able to do. This is something that we aren't taught.

3:01

And I we you have a lot of people in society. I I get it. They like to run around going, oh, men don't feel their emotions right and blah blah blah blah. No. No. This is

3:11

that we know this is absolutely horse hockey because

3:15

we men show their emotions

3:17

all the time. The deal is is that 1

3:21

we often show aggression when we have an emotion that we don't like. If we feel un disempowered,

3:28

we're gonna be feel aggressive or have aggression and feel anger because that's a lot more powerful emotion

3:34

than just sitting there in the squalor of disempowerment.

3:38

So we express our emotions, but the problem is is that we don't ever fully

3:43

come to understand why we feel that particular emotion. That's one of the big things that actually helps us become

3:50

a better, well rounded man because we can then stop

3:56

avoiding an emotion just because it feels bad, because we feel disempowered, because we're embarrassed, or because

4:03

we, we don't wanna be rejected by our wife because of whatever reason we have.

4:09

And life is if you've heard anything about what I've said, life is 5050.

4:14

Half the time is beautiful. It's wonderful. It's great. It's positive,

4:18

feel good emotions. We're feeling great. We have great thoughts when we're pause we're we're heading in the right direction. And then the other half of the time,

4:27

it it it's an absolute crap show, man. We are we are dogging on ourselves. We feel like crap. We feel bad. We feel, like I said, disempowered,

4:38

also may feel scared or full of fear,

4:43

jealousy, which is again a top of fear based emotion.

4:47

We have all these different feelings, but because of how that emotion is felt,

4:53

that is what keeps us from progressing

4:57

to a to a better to a better spot. This is what causes us to fall into our indulgent emotions

5:05

and indulgent, not just the indulgent emotions of, like, being angry, but we also fall into our buffering

5:13

and start feeling, doing indulgent actions.

5:17

And when I say indulgent actions, that's things like, if we're,

5:21

feeling disconnected, feeling bored, feeling,

5:25

not great, a lot of times, we will, as men. A lot of men these days, we turn to porn, and

5:31

we use that as a means to have a better feeling

5:35

than the boredom or have a better feeling of being you know, we just got yelled at by our wife, so we're gonna go hide out in our room for a while. We get, or if we get try to ask our wife, you know, hey. You wanna have a little, little fun in the sack? And she says, no. I don't feel like it. Well, you're going to end up you're gonna end up feeling dejected. You're gonna feel rejected, and and you're going to

5:58

do something that will mask and cover up that bad emotion. That bad emotion or that masking may end up being that you go out and you get a drink of beer

6:10

or maybe drink, drink alcohol. You feel pressure from something. You don't wanna feel that pressure and that stress. So you

6:18

get drunk. You take a drug. You watch television. You sit down. You play video games. There's a lot of different things we use.

6:26

That's not necessarily illegal,

6:28

but we use stuff in our life as a means to buffer

6:32

the and keep distance the, or keep way on in, distance

6:38

the sensations that we don't wanna actually feel. This is why so many of us are overweight because we overeat.

6:46

It's better to feel bloated and full and miserable than to have to feel

6:52

disempowered. It's better to feel

6:55

like we've like, we're going to pop. It feels better to feel that than to

7:00

to feel rejection from our wife. It's better to have the hangover tomorrow

7:06

than to just experience the the fear

7:11

of of a of an argument.

7:13

We struggle with our negative emotions, not just as men. Women honestly, women do it too,

7:19

and they do it in their own particular ways. But since I'm I'm dude, a dude, and I can't I'm not the dude,

7:28

but I am a guy who is

7:31

aware of how

7:34

I operate and how many other men

7:38

operate also. I'm feel I I feel more

7:42

authoritative in the ability of saying, well, we're dodging emotions. We want to run from the emotions. We are resisting those emotions. And when we resist emotions,

7:53

this is where we get so much trouble. This is where the

7:57

the depression comes into play.

8:00

We avoid things like anxiety and end up piling it on and more and more and more because we don't wanna feel anxiety. We don't wanna feel a little anxious because we're trying something new

8:11

to the point that eventually we start having panic attacks.

8:15

And these are things that when we don't

8:18

don't process those emotions, that panic attack can almost be debilitating. We have so many guys now who won't even go outside

8:28

to work to do work. They were like, oh, well, I've got social anxiety. No. Damn it. You don't have social anxiety. You have just regular anxiety.

8:36

And the problem is that you have coddled yourself so much, and you've let other people call you with that with that anxiety that you want can't get up out of your seat anymore.

8:47

That anxiety is nothing more than a vibration. That's what all emotions are. They are vibrations that are felt throughout your body. It's a sensation. It's a

8:57

feeling. Alright? What are you feeling? Are you feeling happy? You hate feeling sad? You feeling horny? What is it? Your emotions

9:04

create your actions, and your actions create your results.

9:09

But they all start with what you're thinking of

9:12

the circumstance is, if that made any sense. Sounds like it didn't make sense to me. But whatever your view on the circumstance is,

9:20

that's the thought that you're having. That emotion came from that particular thought.

9:26

Well, I don't wanna get rejected from my wife, so I'm not gonna say anything to her, ask her for, for sex or anything. I'm just gonna go to to the computer and or pull it up, pull ups Pornhub on my phone

9:38

and go through there and and look at some porn, get a release,

9:43

feel a little bit better about myself, and I have no more connection with my wife than I did before. What is it that you truly want? Do you wanna have

9:52

a good, loving, fulfilling relationship with your wife?

9:57

Or do you just wanna burp the gherkin?

10:00

You're gonna flog the dolphin, or you're gonna actually

10:03

take a chance and go talk to your wife? I know those girls are scary, man, but come on. You got this you had enough backbone to at least ask her, will you marry me?

10:14

So you can now ask her, hey, what's going on in your day? Start having a connection. Start having a a discussion.

10:22

It's gonna be weird. It's gonna be awkward. And those are the emotions that we wanna avoid. We don't wanna feel awkward.

10:29

Well, I should be talking to my wife and have no problems whatsoever with it. Well, that's you should on yourself.

10:36

No. If you haven't had good, full, honest, deep conversations with your wife in the past 5 years,

10:43

it's gonna be a little awkward when you're trying to, hey. So what's going on? What television show are you watching these days?

10:50

These are weird questions. Why are we struggling with that?

10:55

Because we don't do it. And since we're not used to doing it, we struggle on trying to find ways

11:02

to relate with our why. Right now, all the things we really wait relate with are are it's time to pay bills. Alright? We got this and we got this and we got this. What are which ones are we paying this week and which ones we're paying next week? Okay. There we go. There we go. Alright. Sweet. Awesome.

11:16

We got through it without having anything thrown at our head

11:21

or us calling her some name,

11:23

and so we consider that a win. It's not that we're any connect

11:28

better connected. We have to start looking at those connections

11:33

and repairing those connections, and that's where it gets scary.

11:36

And we become avoidant of doing that because of the fear of what's gonna happen. My mustache mustache is just tickling the snot out of my nose, almost literally.

11:47

So but to be able to process your emotions

11:51

is a skill that allows you to be

11:55

miles ahead of anybody else around you. Because so many people who don't live their life intentionally

12:02

have no means of being able to process their emotions. They just kinda

12:07

play it by ear and then wonder why they are someplace they don't wanna be.

12:12

So to be able to process your emotions

12:15

allows you more skill at noticing

12:19

when you're feeling feeling a negative emotion, when you're feeling a fear based emotion. And when you know that you're feeling that, you can lean into it.

12:29

You're able to recognize, oh, it's just anxiety. I get it all the time. Just let's just go through it. That means I'm getting I'm in the right direction. Fear

12:39

is the compass for where your greatness is.

12:43

Discomfort is the currency

12:46

for your dreams. You have to become uncomfortable.

12:50

And when you're being unintentional with it, that discomfort is is a repellent,

12:55

and you're gonna run the opposite direction from it. So you have to become used to the fact that you're feeling uncomfortable.

13:03

You have to start understanding why you feel uncomfortable.

13:06

What are those emotions? Why are you having those emotions? What was that thought that you had that leads up to that emotion?

13:14

When you're able to tell that, then you can actually go through and properly

13:18

process the emotions. So when do you wanna process your emotions? Well, the time you wanna process the emotions

13:25

is at the moment that you're feeling it. And at first,

13:28

you know, you're if you're driving, it's probably not the best because you wanna really focus in on

13:34

what you're thinking, what you're doing, and it's if you can close your eyes sometimes

13:39

to be able to process that, that's a better time. So first few times you're doing it, it might be better when you're sitting on the couch. You can turn the television off, close your eyes,

13:49

take a deep breath, center yourself, get grounded,

13:52

and just experience the emotion for what it is. Because that's what processing an emotion actually is. That is you

13:59

just experiencing the emotion.

14:02

Because as I've said, it's not that we want to avoid emotions.

14:06

Emotions are the color of, is the paint of our memories. It's what colors our memories.

14:13

That's what we more remember than the actual event itself.

14:18

Went camping with, with with some friends and the, you know, the

14:23

you ended up sticking your sticking your camp right in the middle of a bunch of stinging nettles, and every time you walked out, you were your feet were on fire. And you were getting mad because, you know, also on top of that, you ended up having a damn hornet's nest that was parked above, over your head. And so you kept getting getting stung through the, through the the, the whole camping experience. Everyone else was laughing at you. You thought you were being miserable, and that's the emotion you were feeling.

14:49

Everyone else was laughing because it's like, oh my god, man. You just could not catch a break on that la on on that one camper trip. Those are the best emotion. The best memories that we have are the ones because we feel

15:04

those emotions. When our friends help us through those emotions, we remember them even more, and we look back on them even more fondly

15:13

than if we went through it alone. And even then, down the road, we start feel realizing that that's actually a pretty it was a pretty good little trip. So we wanna process those emotions

15:24

so that we're not afraid of them. It's not like, oh, I'm I'm not afraid of it's not that you're scared

15:31

crap. You know, you just you don't have this crap being scared out of you because you have

15:37

uncertainty in your heart. But if you can have the choice of feeling,

15:42

you know, the afterglow of of an orgasm

15:45

as opposed to feeling uncertainty because you

15:48

don't not sure how your wife is gonna respond if you ask her for sex. That's that's a, you're gonna you're gonna wanna go for the afterglow of of,

15:58

self stimulated orgasm. That's

16:01

just human nature. So how do we process our emotions?

16:05

Well, first off, we wanna know emotions last maybe a minute, minute and a half, 2 minutes at tops.

16:11

They don't last long. And a lot of us get caught up with thinking, oh, no. It doesn't. It lasts a lot longer. I've been I got dumped by a girlfriend, you know, just a couple weeks ago, and I am still

16:24

reeling from the sorrow of losing, of that breakup.

16:27

It's like, yeah. But it's not because the emotion is still running through your mind, running through your system.

16:34

That emotion lasted, like I said, a minute and a half, 2 minutes long, and it was really strong because it's something you're not used to feeling,

16:42

but it fades away until

16:44

you have another thought of your girlfriend pop up. All of a sudden, you got another thought of your girlfriend, oh my gosh. I'm you know? And we're

16:52

going through it. If you breaking up, you have a you're going through a divorce, you're gonna have strong those strong emotions

16:58

crop up because you haven't

17:01

felt those emotions before. Since you haven't felt those emotions, you're struggling with coming getting past those particular emotions.

17:10

If you process those emotions, you're allowing yourself to first

17:14

experience the emotion. You're sitting there with the emotion.

17:18

What is it? And the fur that's the first thing you do when you're processing emotion.

17:22

You give it a name. I am feeling

17:26

anxiety. I'm feeling sorrow. I'm feeling

17:29

guilt. I am feeling jealousy.

17:32

All sorts of emotions that you can put into the

17:35

into that that that that category.

17:39

What is it that you're feeling? Give the emotion a name. If you're struggling, there is a

17:45

there is a a an app out there called what we feel, and the link is gonna be in the show notes. And you can actually just

17:54

kinda thumb through there. You've got essentially high energy,

17:58

low energy, high energy positive, low energy negative. Alright?

18:01

And you're going to be able to say,

18:04

alright, which quadrant I'm in. Alright? We I know it's pretty high energy. It's kinda crappy feeling. So we're high energy negative. And you can look through all these different emotions

18:16

and get really close to what it is you're feeling. You can then

18:20

put a name to it. I am feeling melancholy.

18:23

Okay. Why do you feel mal and you can start processing and breaking apart

18:28

the whole reason as to why you feel melancholy. But also you wanna be able to allow yourself to just feel that emotion.

18:36

So what does melancholy feel like? Well, you can start by just where do you feel it in your body? Alright. Is it sitting in the back of your head? Is it front of your chest, between your shoulder blades? Is it sitting on your right shoulder, your left shoulder?

18:50

Is it sitting in your pelvis or in your thighs, or maybe it's in the back of your knees?

18:55

Who knows where you feel it? It's all just it all depends upon you. But you can look at that emotion and decide where do you feel it.

19:04

Melancholy is feeling really low

19:08

in the stomach or, you know, sorrow, fear. Fear sits in the back of my throat, man. It I've felt that thing's just like a it's a shot football

19:18

sitting in the back of my in back of my throat. And that's the next step is once you know where it's at,

19:24

you can imagine this if you were to take it out and hold it in your hands.

19:28

What does it look like? What is the describe that emotion to you, to yourself.

19:34

Is it heavy? Is it light? Well, like for fear for me, it's a shot put ball sitting in the back of your throat. So I feel in the back of my throat, it feels heavy. It's solid. It's dense.

19:46

Some people I've had, heartache where it's like a metal band

19:51

stuck constrict in my chest. I can't breathe.

19:54

My heart hurts. These are

19:57

the emotions that we feel and we can look at it and describe it. Was it hard? Is it soft? Is it big? Is it little? Is it dense? Is it is it light?

20:08

What's the texture on it? Is it hard?

20:11

Is it soft? Is it scaly? Is it sandpapery?

20:15

Describe it in every is it feathery? Is it hairy? What you know,

20:20

describe that emotion as much as you can. And as you're looking at it and as you're draw

20:27

examining it, you're gonna notice that all of a sudden that your brain kinda starts wandering off. You every time you bring it back, it's like, oh, well, it's not as strong as it was.

20:36

You may have been having, you

20:39

know, jealousy at a 9, which is just you almost to the point of going to punch a dude in the face just because he's looking at your girlfriend,

20:47

and you could bring it down to a 2, which is like, well, I wish he wouldn't look at her.

20:52

You know? What's his deal? And you're you're okay.

20:56

Life isn't so scary. Life isn't so,

21:00

it's not so disempowering. All of a sudden, you've got more power.

21:04

You see the emotion fade off.

21:07

And then you're gonna have the thought again. It's gonna come back, and it's gonna be coming back. And it's not as

21:12

instead of coming at back as a as an 8 like you had before, it comes back in maybe like a 6a half, 7.

21:20

And you have to go through it. You process it again. And, okay. It's gone.

21:23

And then you'd have another thought. Oh,

21:26

She's, she's gotta go have a meeting with James. Oh, James. Oh my gosh. And all of this okay. It's a it's a 5 or 6.

21:35

And you sit there and you process it. And, eventually, what happens is

21:40

oh, it's like, oh god. It's James. You know she's not gonna cheat on you,

21:44

but there's just that fear. You have that little nagging fear because you had a girl a couple girls in the past who cheated on you, And so you have that response that's already built up.

21:55

So you're afraid. Oh, maybe she is. May there's that little nagging possibility.

22:01

But as long as you process the emotion, eventually, it's gonna get down to where you just you realize it, I'm feeling a little jealous. You can just tell her in passing. It's like, I really wish you wouldn't go hang out with James.

22:11

Wish you wouldn't work with James. I get

22:13

I feel like you're gonna run off with him sometime. I just don't feel as much of a man

22:19

Whatever it is. Why why James is such a threat to you

22:23

for whatever reason? And if you look at it and you understand why you're jealous of him or why you feel jealousy, you'll understand

22:30

why you have the why you believe that he may you know, why he causes that emotional

22:37

response within you. And you're starting to become more intentional

22:42

with how you actually process your those emotions.

22:45

You take those emotions, you look at them, and you process them, and you go through it again and again and again,

22:52

and you eventually will stop realizing and stop going off and running away

22:56

from the times that you can have a great time with your wife. It's like, we've gotta we got an argument we gotta have, or discussion we gotta have. There's gonna be a little bit of conflict. I know

23:06

my wife wants to go this way, and I really don't think that's a good idea. We're gonna have to go this way instead. So because we've got this, and you sit down and you tell her. She's she gets upset. That's rightfully so. She's gonna get upset. She may she may get upset. She may not. We don't fully know, but she's let's pretend that she does.

23:25

You can be okay with that. You can be okay with her being upset because the anxiety that flares up on you when she gets angry

23:33

isn't a 9 anymore. You're not almost you're not on the verge of going into blind panic. You're sitting in about a 2a half 3, and, yeah, it doesn't feel good, but you're like you can go, alright. Well, I'll let you calm down,

23:46

but this is how we have to do it. And you're okay

23:50

with that step. You can be okay with going through those

23:54

and just facing that because what happens on the other side is as y'all repair

23:58

that conflict, you have a stronger connection.

24:02

She knows you're not just a wishy washy mealy mouth dude anymore. You're you've got your views and you're holding to those views. You're holding yourself to your own standards.

24:12

You're working on your mind, your body, your soul, and building up your community.

24:17

And because of that, you're becoming a better man. Now if there's anything on that that you're struggling with on

24:24

we there are ways that we can

24:26

I can help you? You can you can go to relaxmail.comforward/coachingoffer,

24:32

and we can sit down, and we can look at this and see what it is you're facing. What type of relationship problem

24:38

are you wanting help with? How do you want your relationship

24:43

with your wife to become even better? And I can help you step through

24:48

those challenges confidently so that on the other end,

24:53

you have that marriage that you want, the one that's fulfilling,

24:58

the one that y'all you and the wife are standing shoulder to shoulder or back to back, and y'all are ready to buy fight the world. And

25:06

y'all are gonna win because y'all are doing something that 90% of the rest of the world can't do, which is

25:14

work together. Right now, we've got too so many people just going back to back to back to back that we are we're you know, what is

25:23

what is cohesive? You make a comment these days and all of a sudden you've got, you've got someone

25:29

in your in one of your social media groups just blowing their heads up up to going, oh my god. You just said that you're racist, bigoted,

25:38

sexist, homo, Obama, you know, and they're they're just completely losing their minds. They're clutching their pearls because

25:44

you don't agree with what their view is. Can you be okay with that?

25:49

Are you willing to lose a friend? Or maybe you're trying to reconnect with a friend, and

25:55

you're just trying to explore a little bit, and they say and then they blow up. This happens. I this actually happened to me just a couple a couple of,

26:03

couple hours ago. You can process your emotions. You can get through those emotions,

26:09

and it's okay. It's good. We just have

26:14

it we're just going to to learn how to take a deep breath, and you can do that. You could take a deep breath, and you can step through the discomfort

26:24

because on the other side are your dreams, that fulfillment that you want.

26:28

And you can do so with a little bit of coaching.

26:31

Got a special offer. 3 months of coaching for $300.

26:36

You're not going to catch that price

26:39

being that low for a long time, at least not for me. You know? Once the once I get my 5, 5 clients on the $300 level,

26:48

that level is going to be gone forever.

26:51

So if you would like to jump in, if you like to see the check to see if we there's a possibility that we could work together, come on over, man. I'd love to sit down, have a conversation with you, see how I can help you. So, guys, with that, if you are interested in catching this show live,

27:07

we are, we're gonna start going live every, every Sunday.

27:12

That's possible. Sometimes, we may have to double up because, eventually, we're I'm gonna be going I'll be gone on weekends and stuff. And

27:19

to be able to help get those, get these shows out, You know? I'll I record them, and I would love to have y'all jump in and and talk with

27:30

the and talk with me through here. We eventually will do some type of

27:34

of q and a thing. I haven't figured out exactly how I'm gonna do it, but

27:38

we are live on, like, Podcast Guru,

27:41

on Podverse, Fountain app. These are all

27:45

podcasting 2.0 compliant apps that are available for

27:51

those who wanna watch the show live or listen to the show live,

27:56

or also able to send off boosts if you like. A lot of great ways that you we can actually use

28:05

the, the the new technologies that are coming about for the podcasting 2.0

28:10

initiative. So, guys, with that, if you're interested in catching a podcast at 2.0,

28:16

compliant app, you can go to relaxedmail.comforward/

28:22

new apps, and, you'll see a a whole list of of apps that are available there. So, guys, with that, I wanna say thank you very much for listening. Y'all take care.

28:32

We will catch y'all on the next run, and then then till then.

28:36

Bye.