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Warning: This podcast will offend ass

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holes. This week's episode of The

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Scathing Atheist is brought to you by

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the new Jesus themed Pizzeria Doodle. Romano's

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come on down and get a pizza

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with all the crucifixions at due to

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Romano's were crushed His king. And.

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Now the Skating Atheist hi.

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I'm Mara. My. Experience teaching science

0:20

in Japan and Australia confirms a

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couple things that you probably already

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knew. First. That teachers everywhere

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deserve better working conditions. Better.

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Pay and a lot more respect. And.

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Second, Just. Say well what? do

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what I got to ten? I engine gotta sink

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a sticky muster. Don't. Know. It's

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Thursday and March twenty eighth and

1:01

it's we'd Appreciation Day every day

1:03

not nose and add another can

1:05

reach movement. Still I'm no illusions

1:07

are below balls that he then

1:10

right And from Allen Ginsberg New

1:12

Jersey Enormous. going away. Gross Georgia

1:14

this is the skating atheist. Oh

1:16

this week's episode, the Supreme Court

1:19

of Louisiana rules that the Catholic

1:21

Church was on base. Ted Cruz

1:23

continues being hated by everyone. Ever,

1:26

ever ever. And on board

1:28

continues doing the exact odds. With

1:30

first with I try. The.

1:44

Program is called Life Wise Academy so

1:46

you're already pry hate it right? You

1:49

can already tell Woods Evil. Yeah.

1:51

It's a program that preys on Ohio school

1:53

children, and as we learned about it, there

1:55

was just a steady echo of how the

1:58

fuck is this legal repeating in the. My

2:00

head the whole time. Here's

2:02

what does it is a bus to local

2:04

schools. A picks up a bunch of kids

2:06

steaks of the church, teaches him about how

2:08

awesome Jesus is is some candy and prizes

2:10

to bring back and flaunt all their non

2:12

christian classmates. Along with invitations lives they

2:14

can give to their friends to encourage them to

2:16

also become Christian and then sends them on their

2:18

way. And. Know this

2:20

is not an after school program. this

2:22

happens during the fuck and school decks

2:24

kids do this instead a like gym

2:26

class. The think about

2:29

that. Imagine yourself as one of the students who

2:31

wasn't going to live here is academy that day.

2:34

Of first of all the kids who who do

2:36

go to a were a special read t shirt

2:38

that day right? Be snitches have stars so from

2:40

minute one you're out route. Then.

2:43

When you go to the gym class of the

2:45

worst of all, the fucking closest you can to

2:47

watch them pile on a big red bus together

2:49

and sing songs that you don't know. Spence we

2:51

get back to Home Room. They come

2:53

in all diddy to show off their new stickers

2:55

or magnets or whatever. So you got from gym

2:57

classes, a couple of fucking bruises and the awkward

2:59

trauma be a naked and from of peers. They

3:02

got magnets and stickers. And just that's when

3:04

you're at maximal jealousy they break out

3:06

there invitation notes. You. Could

3:08

do a do You could skip your least

3:10

favorite place once a month there was a

3:12

week or whatever you could get. Cool prizes,

3:14

eat candy, be part of the club. All

3:16

you have to do. Is

3:19

change Religion's. Ten

3:22

year olds. Know.

3:24

And eighty two months that of these kids

3:26

could bird enough of their classmates. Still rewarded

3:28

with a pizza party Or an ice cream

3:30

party. So you're getting It was a damn

3:32

motivated evangelism. says. Somehow. All.

3:34

Of that is legal. Apparently.

3:37

There are a pair of Supreme court cases

3:39

from Nineteen Forty Eight Nineteen Fifty Two that

3:41

allow for religious as dresses during public school

3:43

hours provided a tasteless off campus isn't paid

3:45

for through tax dollars and isn't promoted by

3:47

the schools. Mormons, Have taken advantage

3:49

of as a Utah for decades as of Jewish

3:51

groups in New York. But just because it can

3:53

be done legally doesn't mean it is being done

3:56

legally. The. freedom from religion foundation has

3:58

received at least a half as incomplete from

4:00

concerned parents in Ohio who believed their schools

4:02

did promote the program. In one

4:04

instance, the school's fucking principal walked the volunteer from

4:07

classroom to classroom on the first day of school

4:09

so he could tell kids about the program. Hard

4:11

to imagine what promotion even is if it's not

4:13

that. There was even one

4:15

case where a teacher shared a life-wise permission slip with

4:17

a Hindu girl, a tutor that was

4:20

in the classroom tried to intervene, tried to

4:22

stop her, and the teacher defended herself by

4:24

saying she was, quote, just telling her about

4:26

Jesus, end quote. I

4:28

was just trying to switch her to the right religion. What's wrong

4:30

with you people? But even

4:32

when they do stay inside the bounds of the law,

4:34

it's fucking disgusting. Life-wise, his founder brags

4:37

about what a high percentage of the

4:39

students that attend his academy are from

4:41

low-income households. He's trying to sell it

4:43

as, look at us, we're offering something

4:45

nice to the least fortunate. But in

4:47

reality, that just makes it all the more heinous. They're

4:50

offering candy and pizza parties to

4:52

children with food insecurity on the

4:54

condition that they worship Jesus Christ.

4:59

And of course, this isn't the kind of thing anyone else

5:01

can take advantage of, right? Minority

5:03

religions could do stuff like this, sure, and some

5:05

of them do, right? But you can bet

5:07

you're asked a Muslim version of life-wise doesn't get

5:09

led from classroom to classroom to give their spiel.

5:12

And there's no way in hell the

5:14

Muslim version sends kids back to school

5:17

with, you too could worship Allah pamphlets

5:19

for their friends. This is

5:21

one of the many instances where only the

5:23

majority can abuse this rule. I

5:25

mean, if the fucking Muslim kids at a school

5:27

in rural Ohio wore a special t-shirt on that

5:29

day, it sure as hell wouldn't make the rest

5:32

of the school feel out-grouped. This

5:34

is just another reminder that if you want to

5:36

know what they're doing, just look at what they're

5:38

accusing us of, right? Their boogeyman

5:41

du jour is the liberals grooming their

5:43

children. Now, they say grooming because that's

5:45

more lurid than the thing they actually

5:47

mean. But what they're actually accusing us

5:49

of doing is indoctrinating children. They're accusing

5:51

us of using the schools to promote

5:53

our ideological agenda because when you're

5:55

bigoted enough, tolerance becomes an

5:57

ideological agenda. they're

6:00

freaking out about Heather having two mommies,

6:02

they're doing this kind of shit. They're

6:04

literally rounding children up for indoctrination class.

6:08

They're trying to replace school counselors

6:10

with school chaplains. They're coercing children

6:12

to pray with them on the

6:14

50-yard line. They're meeting at the

6:16

flagpole. They're fighting to reintroduce mandatory

6:18

prayers in schools. They're sneaking religious

6:20

horse shit into science textbooks. Oh,

6:23

and they're also literally grooming

6:26

our children. They're

6:28

talking about religious. Joining

6:33

me for headlines tonight are the Woody and

6:35

Buzz of this podcast. Heath, head right, and

6:37

Eli Bosnick. Fellas, are you ready to play?

6:39

Okay, in the original draft, I was an

6:41

evil ventriloquist dummy. Now, that would've been a

6:44

good movie, right? Hell yeah. Right? And, like

6:46

Buzz Lightyear, my gay friends are ruining Disney.

6:48

So, yeah, this is all working out. Yeah,

6:50

it's all coming together. There you go. In

6:52

our lead story tonight, Louisiana Supreme Court says,

6:55

it's okay to molest kids if you're good

6:57

at it. Or at least that's the

6:59

message they sent when they struck down a law

7:01

that would relax statutes of limitation on child

7:03

sex abuse charges because, and this can't be

7:06

said too often, there is

7:08

no non-evil reason for there to be

7:10

statutes of limitation on child sex abuse.

7:13

Sure are. You were evil.

7:15

Yeah. So, back in 2021, Louisiana

7:17

passed a look-back window law. It

7:20

eliminates deadlines for victims of child sex

7:22

abuse seeking redress. What's more,

7:24

the law passed. Unanimously. And

7:27

in passing the law, the legislature specifically cited

7:29

research that shows the average age where male

7:31

victims of child sex abuse come forward is

7:33

52. And

7:35

this isn't a law unique to Louisiana, by

7:37

the way. 26 states and the District of

7:40

Columbia have all passed similar laws. And in

7:42

24 and a half of those fucking states,

7:44

the laws were found to be just fucking

7:46

fine. But in the South's

7:48

most Catholic state, they were found to

7:50

be unconstitutional. The only other state court

7:52

that agrees with them is the one

7:54

from fucking Utah. Chocking. Wait,

7:56

are you telling me that pseudo-theocracies don't want

7:58

to follow the law? The laws?

8:00

The hell you say? Okay,

8:03

their law for prosecuting pedophiles

8:05

said, limited time only,

8:07

act now. Not great. And

8:10

that absurd fucking infomercial of

8:12

a law was struck down

8:14

for not being

8:16

absurd and evil enough. Right?

8:19

Yes. The four-three majority on

8:22

Louisiana's court found that the look-back window

8:24

law violated due process because the alleged

8:26

child rapists were already on base when

8:28

the law was passed. And if we

8:31

pass these kind of laws retroactively, why?

8:33

We might wind up in a world where

8:35

no child rapist ever feels safe again. And

8:39

of course, in striking down the law, they

8:41

give molester's license to molest and the institutions

8:43

they work for all the incentive in

8:45

the world to cover up for their

8:47

crimes. Okay. Why

8:49

would you want to bother someone about the

8:52

child molestation they did decades ago is

8:54

the best version of their argument. It's

8:56

the best version. Later, we are not

8:58

in the best version. We are in

9:00

like, call in the next 10 minutes and

9:03

well, nobody's picking up because the horn sounded.

9:05

We have a horn, by the way, for

9:07

this. Yeah. We have a

9:09

base, a terrifying base. Now,

9:12

of course, there is one Supreme Court in the

9:14

United States that might be even more theocratic than

9:17

the ones in Louisiana and Utah. And that's the

9:19

one that gets to hear this bullshit next. And

9:22

as devastating a blow as this decision is

9:24

to abuse victims in Louisiana, it stands to

9:26

be far worse if the Supreme Court also

9:29

moves to protect institutionalized child rape. This

9:31

could lead to 24 similar laws being

9:34

struck down all over the country, as

9:36

well as existing judgments getting overturned. And

9:38

since six members of the Supreme Court

9:40

are horrendous monsters and a seventh is

9:42

a Catholic whose humanity slips noticeably when the

9:44

subject of religion is involved, I have very

9:46

little hope that they're going to side with

9:49

compassion and logic on this one. Yeah.

9:51

If only there were more branches of the government

9:53

to serve as a kind of check or balance

9:55

to the Supreme Court. Maybe even one or two

9:58

with an election coming up. Ah, well. of

10:00

only. And

10:03

in Deaconversion news. That's

10:05

solid. That's very solid. Nobody

10:07

can tell because you said

10:09

it so good. It's Deaconversion.

10:12

The Catholic Church is finally

10:14

getting around to addressing its

10:16

extensive and horrifying history of

10:18

child rape this week by

10:20

excommunicating one of

10:23

their victim's dads because nothing says

10:25

owning up to your past mistakes

10:27

like condemning other people to hell

10:29

for them. Yeah, okay. That piece

10:31

of context needs to be mentioned

10:33

in every conversation you have with a Christian

10:35

person. If they're not actively

10:38

helping you find Jesus, they're

10:40

letting you be tortured for

10:42

eternity in their heads or

10:45

they're lying and don't believe that. Yep. Yeah.

10:47

So first off, big thank you to

10:50

everybody who sent this story in, but

10:52

especially to Kitty who sent this to

10:54

us first. Does an actual kitty send

10:56

us atheist news to scathing news@gmail.com? Who

10:58

knows? But whether or not you're an

11:00

actual feline, you can send us news

11:02

to scathing news@gmail.com and we'll give you

11:04

equal amounts of pets. What

11:06

does it say on the whiteboard about offering listeners

11:08

scritches Eli? That's fair. That's fair.

11:10

I apologize. Withdrawal. Right. So here's the

11:13

story. Back in 2018 Deacon Scott, Peyton's

11:15

son was sexually abused by their priest.

11:17

The priest confessed and went to jail

11:19

for seven years. The Patons were paid

11:21

a settlement by the church and they

11:23

tried to move on with their lives.

11:25

What the Patons didn't expect was for

11:27

the community they once served to shun

11:30

them for the crime of speaking out,

11:32

which of course it did. Yeah. That

11:34

community is being like, Hey man, you

11:36

got the 50 shekels. You're being a

11:38

real dick about it now. Right.

11:40

But, but, but honestly though, what about Catholicism

11:42

made them think they weren't going to get

11:44

shunned over this? Yeah, that's fair. So

11:47

in 2023, Peyton resigned as a

11:49

Deacon and they started attending an

11:52

Anglican congregation instead. And

11:54

that combined with Peyton's public and vocal

11:56

support for victims rights caused him to

11:58

receive a letter of excommunication

12:01

this week from Bishop

12:03

J. Douglas Deshtoutol of

12:06

the Diocese of the Lafayette, saying in

12:08

part, quote, I am aware

12:10

that your family has suffered a trauma,

12:12

but the answer does not lie in

12:14

leaving the most holy Eucharist. End

12:17

real quote. The Eucharist? Really,

12:19

you're going to lead with

12:21

the magic cracker argument? That

12:23

is bold. That's dumb. So they

12:26

kicked him out of the church that he'd

12:28

already stopped going to when it started shunning

12:30

him. This is nothing

12:32

to the third power, isn't it? Yeah.

12:35

Now, to be clear, while the church is

12:37

trying to use it's barely covered, you went

12:40

to a different church, which hurt Jesus's feelings

12:42

defense. That is obvious

12:44

bullshit, right? Catholics don't excommunicate people

12:46

who go to different churches. Hell,

12:48

they make most people jump through

12:50

hoops to stop being counted on

12:52

church rosters if they were ever

12:54

Catholic. No, this is about silencing

12:56

someone for speaking out about the

12:58

abuse their family suffered. But far

13:00

more importantly, it's about punishing someone

13:02

who dared to speak out for

13:05

all victims, which was made

13:07

all the more evident by the fact

13:09

that while Peyton has been excommunicated, the

13:11

priest who molested his son

13:14

was not terrifying. Yeah. Their

13:17

policy on whistleblowers is la, la, la.

13:19

Can't hear you. Wait, hold on.

13:21

We can hear you. Go further away. You

13:23

have to go. We can hear it. Right.

13:26

Well, and to be clear, this is a logistical issue,

13:28

not a moral one, right? Because if they kicked out

13:30

every single priest that ever molested a kid, the entire

13:33

religion would be two octogenarians in Finland going, actually, you

13:35

want to give the Jews back their art now or

13:37

what? Right. Yeah, exactly. So

13:39

this is obviously awful. And

13:41

it made even worse by Noah's News Above,

13:43

where monsters who did this actually won a

13:46

legal victory for their case at the

13:48

state level. But if it's any comfort,

13:51

given how their parishioner numbers are dwindling

13:53

and will continue to dwindle soon

13:55

enough, the Catholic Church won't have anyone

13:57

left to kick out. Victim.

14:00

Or otherwise. I'm not

14:02

comforted. Yeah. Me neither.

14:04

And in wedge issues news,

14:07

former ESPN anchor Sage Steele

14:10

gave a Christian, anti-vaxxer-themed speech

14:12

at Liberty University last week.

14:16

About that time, she got hit in the face

14:18

with a golf ball by Satan

14:20

the Prince of Darkness. Yeah. Okay, YouTube

14:22

video I can watch on repeat or it didn't

14:24

happen, Sage. Okay, I know you have

14:27

more of this story to do, Heath, but

14:29

I feel like any context is just going

14:31

to diminish the feeling that I'm correct. Right,

14:33

got hit in face by golf ball. Pause for

14:36

a moment of silence. And

14:39

a big thanks to Robert for the

14:41

link. SkatingNews@gmail.com. And we especially enjoy stories

14:43

that you send to that dress about

14:47

anti-vaxxer-religious lunatics getting hit in the face

14:49

in a funny way. Great work. Honestly,

14:52

we are open to giving it its own

14:54

email account, if you can provide.

14:57

So according to Sage Steele, she

15:00

was the victim of religious persecution when

15:02

ESPN took her off the air for

15:04

10 days in October of 2021 and

15:07

pulled her off a handful of assignments. She

15:10

claims the network was retaliating because

15:12

she publicly criticized their policy of,

15:14

you know, not spreading a global

15:16

pandemic by having a vaccine mandate

15:19

for the personnel. She

15:21

told the audience at Liberty, quote, in

15:23

order to keep my job at ESPN owned

15:26

by Disney. I'm

15:28

going to pause for booing. I was pausing so you could boo. I

15:32

had to take the vaccine, end quote. She

15:35

said, consider how far down the list

15:37

of fireable offenses we really are here.

15:39

Right. In order to keep my job,

15:41

I had to wear clothes, I had

15:43

to bathe, I had to stop making

15:45

aggressive monkey noises at the customers. All

15:48

of those would be more reasonable than

15:50

the things she wanted to do, because

15:52

nobody dies in those. Yeah, safer. Yeah,

15:54

safer. OK, here's where the story gets

15:56

pretty interesting and delightful. back

16:00

to work after the 10 days and

16:02

despite all the persecution she got assigned

16:04

to cover the PGA Championship golf tournament

16:07

and that's when she got hit with

16:09

a golf ball and it knocked

16:11

out eight of her teeth. Guys guys I'm

16:13

believing in God again! I'm believing in God

16:15

again! Okay so according to the

16:17

you know standard model of physics

16:20

it was a bad shot from golfer

16:22

John Rahm. Or maybe it was

16:24

a perfect shot. Yeah but according

16:27

to Sage Steele it was

16:29

the supreme demon of the underworld who did

16:31

it but she didn't realize right away. At

16:33

first she got a message from God. Here's

16:35

the account she gave of the moments right

16:38

after she got hit in the face. Quote,

16:41

I had finally realized they're not gonna be

16:43

able to glue the teeth back in. They're

16:46

not gonna be able to put the flesh back in my

16:48

lip and I threw it on

16:50

the ground. The flesh on your

16:52

lap. Sorry the visual of her

16:55

frustrated lip spike is the is a fucking thing

16:57

of beauty and I want to thank you for

16:59

it. Your picture and

17:01

it stick into her finger like a booger.

17:03

I thought it could be more impactful

17:06

it's stuck. Alright. She

17:08

continued. I sat there and I realized

17:11

that God doesn't want me to

17:13

do this. God is telling me

17:16

to be quiet if they want you to say go

17:18

vaccine. Everybody get it. Say

17:20

whatever they want because this is what

17:22

happens. This is what happens when you're

17:24

true to yourself apparently. Then I realized

17:28

that was not God talking

17:30

to me. That was something

17:32

else. That was evil. That was the

17:35

devil trying to scare me into silence

17:37

because I had just filed this lawsuit

17:39

and I realized it was up to

17:41

me. That hit me. They're

17:43

in the mouth of all places for

17:45

a reason. To make sure I didn't

17:48

stay silent. She

17:51

invoked opposite day to make that

17:54

fucking worry. God's like actually the message I was

17:56

trying to send you was duck but you blew it.

18:00

So she's saying the devil punched her in the mouth and

18:02

told her to shut up. Guys, am

18:05

I the devil? Okay. In many ways,

18:07

yeah. So just to recap, Liberty

18:10

University paid for a speech

18:12

about Lucifer, the goat man

18:15

of eternal torment, hitting

18:17

a lady in the face with a golf ball, and

18:19

then doing a God accent

18:21

inside of that lady's head to

18:24

trick her into the evil plot

18:26

called, do modern medicine to prevent

18:28

a global pandemic. Liberty

18:31

University paid for that, but

18:33

they can't afford to meet even the most

18:35

basic standards of safety for their campus. That

18:37

they cannot pay for. And

18:40

in NSW4M news,

18:42

we've got some excellent news from Australia

18:45

this week as the state of New

18:47

South Wales passed a ban on gay

18:49

conversion therapy, as well they should

18:51

for. After all, just because you're down under doesn't

18:53

mean you have to be down low. And

18:56

you might be thinking, what's the big deal? Gay

18:58

conversion therapy is a pseudo scientific

19:00

practice, so barbaric that even a few American

19:02

states have gotten around to banning it. But

19:04

this was no easy feat,

19:07

my friends. No, the ban

19:09

passed without amendment or exemption

19:11

for religious bigots, but not

19:13

without Herculean efforts from lawmakers

19:15

who, thanks to Australia's almost

19:17

as silly as Britain's parliamentary

19:19

rules, had to debate in

19:21

a marathon overnight parliamentary session

19:23

to get it done. Which

19:26

means that several lawmakers in

19:28

New South Wales had hours

19:30

of pro-torturing gay children arguments.

19:33

Okay guys, I know it says we have

19:35

to do like a sword paka over the

19:37

sepulcher and then roll the boulder to get

19:40

the mousetrap thing to, can we just ban

19:42

the fake bigot science and do all that

19:44

stuff tomorrow? It's 3 a.m. We'll

19:47

do the magic spells later. They cannot know.

19:49

Right, so first off, big thanks to Daniel

19:51

and James who sent us this news as

19:53

soon as it broke. I'd thank you for

19:55

sending us news to scathing news@gmail.com, but why

19:58

thank you when I can make it. marry

20:00

you and become a citizen of your

20:02

attractive and health care providing homeland. But

20:04

yeah, this is a win through hard

20:07

work. And with that hard work comes

20:09

my favorite part of Australian politics. That's

20:11

right. Adorably informal

20:13

statements by Australian politicians.

20:16

The environmental minister and leader of the legislative

20:18

council, Penny Sharp, had this to say about

20:21

the bill, quote, what

20:23

New South Wales has done today is

20:25

to say to our LGBTQ community that

20:27

you are fine just the way you

20:29

are and that we will look after

20:31

you and that we will protect you

20:33

and Attorney General Michael Daley excellently

20:36

added conversion therapy proceeds on the

20:38

basis that people in the LGBTQ

20:41

plus community have broken. They

20:43

need fixing, but we like them

20:45

just the way they are. Yeah,

20:47

no. Get cracking on the religious

20:49

deconversion therapy. Sure, sure. I'm

20:52

even playing with straight conversion therapy. Right.

20:54

They always seem to be having more fun than

20:56

us. So much more fun. Yeah, you

20:59

just got to try. And as I said

21:01

before, this bill is the real deal.

21:03

Right here in the US, gay conversion

21:05

therapists can often get around these bands

21:07

by calling themselves religious counselors or big

21:10

at parents can send their kids out

21:12

of state. But the legislation also provides

21:14

redress to survivors through a civil pathway.

21:17

And the NSW anti-discrimination board

21:19

can also disseminate information, conduct

21:22

research and hold public inquiries

21:24

about conversion practices. Meaning

21:26

the government has an actual

21:29

means of enforcement against this shit, even

21:31

if there's a cross on the wall

21:33

of your office. Yes, that's fucking huge.

21:35

That's what a law looks like when

21:38

you actually mean it. And to be

21:40

clear, none of our anti-conversion therapy laws

21:42

look anything like that. Nope, they sure

21:44

don't. So all in all, this is

21:46

great news. Here's hoping Tasmania and the

21:48

confusingly named South Australian states get in

21:50

on the game sometime soon. Congratulations to

21:52

everyone involved. And believe it or not,

21:54

we're going to keep the good news

21:56

coming and hand things over to my

21:59

lovely wife, Lucy. A

22:01

man wrote the Bible, a horse, what's wrong?

22:03

If it's a legitimate race, it's a slut,

22:05

right? Cooking can be fun. Hey, I'm proud

22:07

of a man. This Week in Mississauga. Well,

22:13

it looks like I get to give you one

22:15

of those rare good news versions of this segment.

22:17

And part of that is because of the diligent

22:20

work of feminist activists all over the country. And

22:22

some of it is because the bar is so goddamn

22:24

low that, hey, look, we get to keep one of

22:27

our rights qualifies as good news these days. So

22:30

the right in question is the right to medical

22:32

abortion, which was called into question by a recent

22:34

lawsuit out of Texas. You'll

22:36

remember this one. It's where the activist

22:38

judge, who's only real qualifications for the

22:40

bench was really hating abortion, ruled that

22:42

he knew more about Nifepristone than the

22:45

FDA and all their stupid doctors and

22:47

researchers, and tried to ban

22:49

its use nationally. The Supreme

22:51

Court stepped in, then, and issued a

22:53

temporary order that allowed it to remain available.

22:57

Well, the court heard oral arguments about the

22:59

case on Tuesday. And while we're going to

23:01

have to wait a bit to hear their

23:03

decision, every indication is that even the conservative

23:06

wing of the court is skeptical of this.

23:09

Possibly because the argument is that Nifepristone

23:11

is too dangerous, even though

23:13

it's 10 times safer than Viagra, which

23:16

can be obtained by mail by collecting

23:18

enough fucking cereal box tops at this point.

23:21

But of course, bad arguments have never been

23:23

enough to dissuade this court. And

23:25

it's the first major challenge to abortion rights

23:28

that the Supreme Court has heard since overturning

23:30

Roe. So needless to say, I was

23:32

holding my breath a bit over this one. Incidentally,

23:35

if you're concerned about this issue

23:37

and you're going to be at

23:39

the American Atheist Annual Convention this

23:41

weekend in Philly, I strongly urge

23:43

you to check out friend of

23:45

the show, Devin Graham's workshop on

23:47

Friday about self-managed abortion. And

23:49

before I let you go, I have another piece of holy shit.

23:51

How is this good news good news for you?

23:54

This time out of the unlikely state of

23:56

West Virginia, though to be fair, as

23:58

much as you don't expect. good feminism

24:00

news out of West Virginia, this is

24:03

exactly the type of good feminism news

24:05

you'd expect out of there if you

24:07

did. Because for the first

24:09

time, it is now illegal in West

24:11

Virginia to sexually assault somebody even if

24:13

she's your wife. So

24:16

yeah, back in 1976 West Virginia

24:18

repealed the state's marital exemption for

24:20

rape. In case you needed a

24:22

reminder just how recent this whole concept of

24:25

women's having rights really is. But

24:27

West Virginia didn't want to be too progressive

24:29

when it came to banning rape so they

24:31

just banned sexual assault, not

24:33

sexual abuse. That is

24:35

the marital exemption remained in place

24:37

in cases of non-consensual sexual touching.

24:40

And it's worth noting here not that

24:42

this isn't already egregious, that

24:45

includes spouses who are separated. Or

24:48

rather it did include spouses who are

24:50

separated because last week West Virginia's governor

24:52

signed Senate bill 190 into

24:55

law and removed all remaining marital

24:57

exemptions. And if your reaction to

24:59

this is a horrified they're just getting around to

25:01

that now, just imagine how the

25:03

advocates that have been working towards this law

25:06

removal for over a decade still. So

25:09

yeah, tentative, over-did news that shouldn't

25:11

have to exist this week, which

25:14

is as good as you're gonna get out of me. So

25:16

I'll wrap it up there and hand things back over to

25:18

Noah, Heath, and Eli.

25:20

Thank you, Lucinda. Next up

25:23

in headlines, in Haiti crime news,

25:26

is it time to recolonize Haiti?

25:29

That's a real question. And also a

25:31

thought crime and a hate crime that

25:33

was tackled last week by three of

25:36

America's dumbest thought criminals and hate

25:38

criminals, Jack Posobiec, Blake

25:40

Neff, and Charlie Kirk. Woof.

25:43

Yep, they have a surprisingly

25:45

self-aware show called Thought Crime

25:48

and the title of a recent episode

25:50

was seriously recolonize

25:52

Haiti? And the answer

25:54

to that question was, against all

25:56

odds, dumber than you're

25:59

thinking. Wow. So

26:01

they had a racist, sexist, homophobe, a

26:03

sexist, racist, homophobe, and a homophobic, racist,

26:05

sexist. Well, at least they're committed to

26:08

diversity. Okay. But if we're allowed

26:10

to guess, is it based on cornering a tropical

26:12

beverage market? Because I think that's what they think

26:14

it is. All

26:16

right. And a big thanks to Will

26:18

for the link, ScathingNews at gmail.com. So

26:21

you might be wondering at this point, what?

26:26

And those are great questions. Congrats on the nice

26:28

little slice of the internet you've found. I used

26:30

to do the same thing to, you

26:33

know, sick bulldog in a hammock. Guy

26:35

falls down funny, intro level porn, delightful

26:37

little piece of the internet. But

26:39

now I have a job that means I know

26:42

about these three neckbeards come to life out of

26:44

a cauldron. And I know about this story. So

26:46

for those who aren't familiar, Jack

26:49

Posobiak is a so-called journalist who got

26:51

to start by being

26:53

mad about Game of Thrones

26:55

on a blog. Yeah, Blake

26:57

Neff was Tucker Carlson's lead

26:59

writer until Blake got fired

27:01

for being, I can't

27:04

stress this enough, too racist

27:06

for Tucker Carlson. And

27:09

Charlie Kirk is the founder of Students

27:11

for Trump and Turning Point USA, which

27:13

we've talked about. Those are both

27:15

Christian right organizations that go around

27:18

the country visiting universities and turning

27:20

angry white incels into angry

27:23

white incels with talking points that they

27:25

can repeat. Yep. And also

27:28

we can't fail to mention this. Charlie Kirk has

27:30

a tiny little island of face amidst a vast

27:32

ocean of head. Right. It's like

27:34

every time he lies, his space gets smaller.

27:36

It's weird. Right. Or the head gets bigger.

27:39

Every photo of Charlie Kirk looks like someone

27:41

did a mean Photoshop of Charlie Kirk. Yep.

27:43

Yeah. Like somebody doesn't know how to do

27:45

the zoom in thing with the pinch on

27:48

the finger. Yeah, a little piece, just his

27:50

face part. Yeah. So now

27:52

these guys all have a show together and they're

27:54

pretty sure that Christianity is being threatened

27:56

by Haiti in the form

27:59

of. Levitation and

28:01

cat people. Here's how

28:03

they got there. This is a

28:05

real exchange of human sentences in

28:07

the world. Real quotes

28:10

for me, everybody. Real quotes. Charlie

28:12

Kirk. It's important

28:14

to note that Haiti is

28:16

legitimately infested with demonic voodoo.

28:19

Would we say importance? Jack

28:23

Posobiec responds, they came

28:25

up with these demonic occult practices that

28:27

are going on. These

28:29

are cases completely subverting Christianity and

28:32

Christian symbols for use in these

28:34

practices. You'll have cases

28:36

where the killing and the

28:39

ritual killing and the ritual

28:41

and ingestion of flesh, let's just

28:43

say it, ingestion of flesh

28:46

is done as part of these rituals.

28:49

Do you have any takes on slavery that

28:51

I might be interested in? Said

28:53

nobody at all. He continued in answer to

28:55

nobody at all. In the slave

28:58

revolt, one of the leaders

29:00

of this was actually, was himself

29:02

a witchcraft shaman of sorts and

29:04

was, they would sacrifice animals, pass

29:07

around the cup of blood to kind

29:09

of give them the blood rage. They

29:12

cheated during the slave revolt. Then

29:16

they would go off and start killing all

29:19

of the plantation owners in answer

29:21

to that question. Yes,

29:23

they would. So starting point is

29:25

on the side of plantation owners

29:27

because the slaves were doing religion

29:29

wrong. Right, right. And secondary

29:31

point, we would have totally kicked their ass

29:33

as if they had you in the team

29:39

and magic. Back to Charlie Kirk in response

29:41

about the sad plight of

29:43

the plantation owners. He said, I don't

29:46

know if it's fixable. I've

29:48

talked to missionaries and missionaries that

29:50

have gone there and they say they've

29:52

seen the darkest stuff that a human

29:54

being can see. He means black

29:57

people. I think he means black people.

30:00

People that went to Haiti

30:02

passively as like agnostic. Hundred

30:04

eighty. Hockey

30:08

Just surprised they

30:10

kidnapped, perhaps imminent

30:12

kidnapped. Adorno agnostic,

30:14

atheist. went there. He continued

30:17

smith might stop on. The

30:19

utterance is an aerobics. Heard

30:21

of Albuquerque S and the

30:24

game back searching for Jesus

30:26

because they saw like legit

30:29

demonic activity. Oh. Yeah,

30:31

lots of people witnessed the depth of

30:33

human poverty and suffering and wanna join the

30:35

side of the omnipotent guy that allows.

30:39

So this point Blake Ness had

30:41

a quest because that was nonsense.

30:43

Blake Smith said, well do you.

30:46

Did. Did they say

30:48

any more Secure Man, this is

30:50

imaginary states said as much soup

30:52

not to say one as years

30:54

or more about. Charlie

30:57

third answered. Yes, there was

30:59

one guy who saw somebody

31:01

who literally didn't sleep for

31:03

two weeks and would dislike

31:05

run, literally, run around and

31:07

not sleep for two weeks

31:09

Like. Ran. through the hello

31:12

and with like supernatural type

31:14

capacity what their claims that

31:16

people have seen like. Claws.

31:18

I must cease stuff was

31:20

I love it I just

31:23

talking about falling just sat

31:25

sonos a falling man. Kirk.

31:27

Also added. There. Were common

31:30

stories about people turning into

31:32

cats at night. Which.

31:35

I don't know. They. All knew someone

31:37

that turned into cats again. I'm not

31:39

sure about that. I haven't heard Spat

31:41

out. Now you say optical everybody now

31:43

he set up that way. I'm sorry

31:46

did I turn into multiple cats? Are

31:48

just one cat eats away free is

31:50

a question. Doing Real jealous. We need

31:52

the the clarification on that so. Here's.

31:55

My big take way. We. Should

31:57

have thought crimes and be politically

31:59

correct. And yet so be I can bleakness

32:01

are the reason is or well met these guys

32:03

he be like yeah whatever to pursue five and

32:06

we rest the know that fire easy whatever I

32:08

don't think that counts as thought I'd on the

32:10

years since you're from. The

32:13

birds, some books, And

32:15

in Sleep in the Night news. One.

32:17

Of the most reliable meme farms for atheists

32:20

is the tax revenue our country loses to

32:22

church exemptions and the claims on is very

32:24

widely from the ridiculous mean that claim taxing

32:26

churches would been Americans would only have to

32:28

pay three percent income tax to the even

32:30

more ridiculous claim on the other end of

32:33

the scale that is the legal basis for

32:35

our current system. But. What about

32:37

the money that they just straight up

32:39

steel? Well, that was the focus of

32:41

researchers from the Center for the Study

32:43

of Global Christianity, and they paid that

32:46

number and around eighty six billion dollars

32:48

in twenty twenty four alone. Okay, Considering

32:51

people give about one point three

32:53

trillion dollars to churches last year throughout

32:56

the world, I feel like

32:58

the ceiling number is more like. I'm

33:00

one point three trillion rile a boy

33:02

had child all as very odd mass

33:04

to clarify suffered yes every dollar received

33:06

by telling people that there's a. Fictional.

33:08

Forever torture place that they're buying their

33:10

way out of all of that stuff.

33:12

But that's not how the Center for

33:14

the Study of Global Christianity sees things.

33:16

That are you saying why he added

33:19

oh, there's there's his target about what.

33:21

A preacher pockets a handful a cast

33:23

in the collection plate or tells the

33:25

prisoners that this collection is going to

33:27

go to the cemetery maintenance fund and

33:29

actually is used to refurbish his pool

33:31

or whatever. So what we're really talking

33:33

about here is when they steal from

33:35

their own obsessed and even that subset

33:37

of their larceny a mouse. Over eighty

33:39

billion dollars a year. Coincidentally,

33:41

that's the number that. Oxfam estimates

33:43

it would take to eliminate extreme

33:46

poverty worldwide. Cool, Yeah, That's also

33:48

almost exactly the value of taxes

33:50

that churches avoid paying every year.

33:53

yeah, thanks to religious exemptions in

33:55

the Us alone. right? Or

33:57

just under half of elon musk. snap.

34:00

So there's a lot of ways and

34:02

since know it's probably already occurred to

34:04

you that this is a really tough

34:06

number to pin down. Searches.

34:08

Ever. I don't report the amount of money that

34:10

they stole from this week collection plate and health

34:12

that they don't even report how much money they

34:15

got. From. This was collection plate, so

34:17

even the imperfect means that we have for

34:19

tracking prototypical non are useless. Here's what's more.

34:21

even when financial fraud is discovered in a

34:23

church is almost always swept under the rug

34:26

to avoid hurting the churches reputation. And since

34:28

they don't have any requirements for financial disclosure

34:30

covering it up, his. It's just

34:32

not telling anyone about it. That's it.

34:35

You're done. right? So what

34:37

does that? He really did was just look

34:39

at the average estimated. Amount of Fraud and

34:41

multiplied that amount by the amount that

34:43

sure to stay gifts. That is to

34:45

say, this astronomical number is based on

34:48

the dubious assumption that Christian leaders are

34:50

more corrupt than average people. And.

34:52

That the ease with which you can commit

34:54

fraud never temps you to commit fraud. So

34:57

in other words, you can double this number

34:59

and it's still a lowball. Yeah.

35:01

And also what I'm learning is that

35:03

my grandma Mr calling in the ministry

35:05

but not too late for me. Now

35:07

I'm game. Not too late for me

35:10

when carry on the family tradition. And.

35:13

In J Double Back news, the

35:15

Jehovah's Witnesses have rolled back a

35:18

few of their Insane Court rules

35:20

to down right Reaganesque levels of

35:22

sanity which is to be celebrated.

35:25

I guess because less insanity is

35:27

always a good thing, but man,

35:29

there's still a lot less to

35:31

go Him. Deregulation. Davis

35:33

like Enron and a global

35:36

economic crises. He. Works

35:38

great for religion and so good.

35:40

Rule of some. If. You're

35:42

saying makes deregulation looked good

35:45

every time. You're. Saying is

35:47

bad right? It's a bad things bad yep and would

35:49

have those dullness of bags you are. You gotta keep

35:51

in mind that if they dialed the acidity all the

35:53

way back they just disappear. Studies. Show

35:55

They do. they do. First of, big

35:57

thanks to Sherry De Souza over at

35:59

the Rico A Religion Foundation for this

36:02

info. If you're not aware of Sherry

36:04

from her work with Recovering From Religion,

36:06

you might know her for inflicting the

36:08

plague that is Vegemite on unsuspecting an

36:10

innocent podcast years at a variety of

36:12

convention events, but despite disputed of nature,

36:14

thanks to her, we got a bit

36:16

of a scoop on this. And not

36:18

only was she the first to bring

36:20

this to my attention, but as of

36:22

this writing, I haven't seen many news

36:24

agencies covering it. Oh My. God. even

36:26

the Vision. Is. Talking shit about

36:28

your poop colored yeast spread Australia. Just

36:30

admit it did say that those spoken

36:33

gross just admit their removal. It looks

36:35

like it's gonna make Spiderman evil. Like

36:37

I said, I'm very scared so let's

36:39

get to the charges men can Now

36:42

we're beer move That changed actually took

36:44

place a few months ago, but it's

36:46

worth including and are some rates. The

36:48

video and article series since has doesn't

36:51

specify a reason, but I'm pretty sure

36:53

there was an awkward what do you

36:55

mean Jesus had one conversation meeting. And

36:58

this was the result. Has to choose the way Baptists

37:00

feel about men with long hair. yet. Okay,

37:03

it feels like the default policy about

37:05

beards should be the opposite. Like okay

37:07

I know most evil that they're fine

37:10

saving would just in the abstract. I'm.

37:13

Gonna scrape over my entire face

37:15

and neck with a sword. It's

37:17

something that requires a waiver if

37:19

anything. right? Right by the way,

37:21

Books for a heedless a deadpool

37:23

when he gets unshaven to see,

37:25

done wonders with Incomes Pig, slighted

37:27

the beards and why you're letting

37:29

the boys get sloppy men. also

37:31

no longer have to wear ties

37:33

or suit jacket said meetings or

37:35

while door knocking on. A

37:38

change I'm guessing j themselves of the

37:40

Equator are very grateful for Bots. But.

37:43

If they have a part in the read

37:46

along singalongs, they do still have to suit

37:48

us. Yeah, and if you forget your jacket

37:50

they give you a comically large or small

37:52

one like it is no around the worst.

37:54

The I: The Magic Castle yeah and I

37:56

know what you're thinking by guess this or

37:58

okay to seem like read. The ball

38:00

and relatively minor changes will have

38:03

a little scandal for yeah, because

38:05

now. Jade. Of women

38:07

can away or pay less

38:09

right? Tightly wrapped legs all

38:11

over this place. It's great

38:13

of Ninety Seven Seasons Slaughtering

38:15

and now I'm not so

38:17

sure he is. You know

38:19

anyone from the called any

38:21

Women in the Cult I

38:23

will personally provide. Zarif.

38:26

Fancy Ass was traps for anyone who's

38:28

interested in this. Allowed to work and.

38:31

It's. I've never understood Christians insistence on

38:33

skirts, right? Surely the more prudish garment

38:35

is the what you can't spot in

38:37

rights. I mean I don't pity

38:39

on that. he added everyone really of we'd like

38:41

to apologize for no illusion over the finds out

38:44

and is about underpants crazy his are coming off

38:46

to the said the your partner. Not

38:48

me, not for me. they're not know some

38:51

not a quitter Alex movement up. Or

38:54

it snowed little less. Fun part and I

38:56

don't just mean that a business. nice. If

39:01

you know about Jehovah's Witnesses, it's probably

39:03

does. They're the ones you don't do

39:05

birthdays or Halloween, but they're also the

39:07

ones who famously son members, friends, and

39:09

even family members who stopped following the

39:12

church and the. The. Good news

39:14

is those rules have been relax.

39:16

is someone has been dispelled Shipped

39:18

for anything other than apostasy, you

39:20

can contact them. For.

39:22

The sole purpose of inviting them to

39:25

a meeting. Oh wow. And when said

39:27

this fellowship person comes to the meeting,

39:29

you're allowed to say a greeting to

39:31

them. The. Bad news is that

39:33

the rules are incredibly explicit that you

39:35

cannot do this for apostates and that

39:37

you're not allowed to have like a

39:40

long conversation with them as they come

39:42

to the meeting. Hey yeah Dave, thanks

39:44

for inviting the whole and are you.

39:46

Are. You holding a scrabble timer

39:48

would often of. Rules are rules.

39:51

right? So add to that that many

39:54

people who were dispel are shipped by

39:56

their families like twenty years ago are

39:58

now searing from the families that have

40:00

the end and them inviting them to

40:03

a meeting. Get some. Not quite the

40:05

gesture of kindness if think it's most

40:07

to be. Yeah, yeah. and and as

40:09

great as being shunned by Jehovah's Witnesses

40:12

sound like revoke, I want in on

40:14

that, but it's a whole different thing

40:16

when that includes your entire fucking family.

40:19

So so er, that's progress. I guess

40:21

Next step sorts Only Jehovah and his

40:23

terrifying army of Cg I children will

40:25

though. And

40:28

finally, tonight. In please

40:30

come back to Yankee Stadium where

40:32

you almost dead beat up by

40:34

forty six thousand New Yorkers News

40:36

story about Ted Cruz? Yes we

40:38

do. And more importantly it's about

40:40

Federal Appeals Court nominee a deal

40:42

months. Who'd. Become the first ever

40:44

Muslim person to hold that position in the

40:46

history the country is. He gets confirmed. From.

40:49

Everything I've read: money is highly

40:51

qualified. And therefore a threat to

40:53

Ted Cruz And a Republican party, of course.

40:56

So Ted Cruz and his she'll

40:58

Be Bigots glaad turned the confirmation

41:00

hearings into the Islam a phobia

41:02

lightning round of questions. Or to

41:04

be fair, that's just how Ted

41:06

talks though. So

41:08

here's what we got from Ted Cruz

41:10

at the hearing. He started by accusing

41:13

Monsey of being anti semitic. For

41:15

the record money, has the full support

41:17

of the Anti Defamation League side. Might

41:19

be wrong about that. Ted Cruz or

41:22

Ted Cruz does not have the snow

41:24

the us me so he does not

41:26

for their crews demanded that Manji quote.

41:28

Condemn. The atrocities of the Hamas

41:30

terrorists right now as as fuck the

41:32

it's gross. Yeah, this happens to Muslim

41:35

people all the time here in the

41:37

U S. Especially when they're not white,

41:39

even when they're not facing a panel

41:41

of bigots senators for a confirmation. It's

41:43

more like you know for the people,

41:45

not at the panel is more like

41:47

oh yeah well the producers the menu

41:50

condemned terrorism right now Of that citizens

41:52

or directed at access is absurd and

41:54

it would never happen to a white

41:56

person. So in response to that extremely

41:58

offensive. Moment. House. When you

42:00

State Senator Scott Wiener who happens to be

42:02

Jewish. Called. out Ted Cruz and

42:05

tweeted. This is straight up

42:07

islam. a phobia. That's. No different

42:09

than grilling a Jewish nominee about

42:11

Israel's conduct. Are. They asking other

42:13

nominees the same questions of course, not

42:16

only the Muslim nominee. I feel

42:18

like Ted Cruz would ask a black

42:20

nominee to condemn shit that's happening in

42:22

Africa. Scott, I don't. I don't mean

42:24

to be. Yeah, you're would yeah ensconced

42:26

defense metaphors are hard when the bad

42:29

guys are doing. Every possible instance of

42:31

that would be as stupid as blank.

42:33

so I sympathize. I sympathize. So here's

42:35

where it gets fun because Ted Cruz

42:37

goes from stupid bigot to. Stupid.

42:40

Bigot getting sir really embarrassed as he

42:42

is want to do it's fun for

42:44

us. He responded by accusing Scott Wiener

42:47

of quote. Getting. Thrown out

42:49

of Congress for sending naked

42:51

pictures of himself up out

42:53

of. Cruz. Was thinking of

42:56

Anthony Wiener which is also spelled differently

42:58

unless aim for her who is a

43:00

difference human be approved person is a

43:02

simpler less his name. Of fun

43:05

fact Anthony Winner was me and Heath's representative.

43:07

When all that shit happens, Help Yet! And.

43:09

Mine and mine. And I can confirm that

43:11

he was nailing the. Interests of I

43:14

just say again, sensual Dick

43:16

pic is safe. So look,

43:18

I get it. Ted names

43:20

are tricky and Six Degrees

43:22

is a crazy scientologist to

43:24

the barely to a single

43:26

bartending trick in that cocktail

43:28

movie. Or

43:30

maybe do a quick google next time

43:32

because you might have realized that Scott

43:35

Winners name is not in fact Anthony

43:37

and also said he was your literal

43:39

classmates in Los. Oh for fuck said

43:42

Smith. It's Scott Wiener responded

43:44

by tweeting. Ted. Remember

43:46

when we were to law school

43:49

together and everyone hated you every

43:51

other? Some may say no response

43:53

that who's on that? Okay, I

43:55

bet he does. Remember It sure

43:57

does does. But thanks to the.

44:00

exchange, we did get a fun reminder

44:02

about a story involving another classmate of

44:04

Ted Cruz. In

44:06

2016, Cruz defended a bill in Texas

44:09

that would ban the sale of dildos

44:11

and other sex toys because he's the

44:13

literal absence of pleasure and joy in

44:15

the entire universe. And that's

44:17

when his freshman year roommate at Princeton

44:19

made one of my favorite posts of

44:21

all time. It said, quote, Ted

44:24

Cruz thinks people don't have the right

44:26

to stimulate their genitals. I

44:28

was his college roommate. That would

44:30

be a new belief of his. And

44:35

on that reminder of the 28th most embarrassing thing that

44:37

ever happened in Ted Cruz's career, I guess we could

44:39

wrap the headlines for the night. Heath, Eli,

44:41

thanks as always. Jumanji. And when

44:43

we come back, Jesus will be back and

44:45

sassier than ever. Hey,

44:48

podcast listener. You

44:52

love God awful movies? Pull

44:55

the buckle your buckle because we're bringing God

44:57

awful movies live back to Salt Lake City

44:59

on August 3rd. Those

45:03

were funeral potatoes. We'll have all

45:05

the live shenanigans you know and

45:07

love, plus platinum and VIP seating.

45:13

But don't wait. Tickets are already half

45:15

gone and this show will sell out and

45:17

then you'll be sad. God

45:21

awful movies live dot com. Here we come,

45:23

Salt Lake City. Temple Square will

45:25

never be the same. To

45:33

be clear, that was just the end of the ad. We are

45:35

not going to blow up Temple Square. And

45:38

he was like, actually, Telegram is where

45:40

the best reporting is being done. Oh,

45:42

I know. What do you even

45:44

say to that? Hey, guys. Yeah, are

45:47

you ready for Bible Peace Theater? Oh, you mean

45:49

the part of the show where we act out the Bible so our listeners

45:51

don't have to read it? Oh,

45:54

yeah. Don, when did you get here? Oh,

45:56

Eli ordered me on Uber package delivery. You

45:58

can do that? Yeah, they're pretty

46:00

short on cash these days. Got it. Okay,

46:03

so where were we? Matthew,

46:05

Jesus was miracles. Right. And

46:08

he's going to keep miracles by curing the

46:10

blind. Excuse

46:13

me, are you Jesus by

46:15

any chance? Yes. Who

46:17

were wondering if you could cure us? Oh,

46:20

that depends. Do you

46:22

believe I can cure you? Is

46:26

that like a requirement?

46:30

Yeah. Huh. Weird.

46:32

But yeah, okay. There

46:35

you go. Thanks

46:38

for the extremely conditional

46:41

miracle. No problem. And

46:44

then Jesus is going to cure a dumb guy. I'm

46:48

not going to vote for Joe Biden. Jesus

46:51

magic. I just realized

46:53

endangering the lives and well-being of the

46:56

people I pretend to care about over

46:58

personal politics is definitionally evil. No problem.

47:00

You were like chock full of demons.

47:03

He probably only did that because he and Satan are

47:05

buddies. Shut up, Pharisee.

47:07

Nobody asked you. I'm saying. So

47:11

Jesus traveled all the cities and villages,

47:14

teaching in the synagogues, preaching the gospel,

47:16

and healing every sickness and disease among

47:18

the people. Oh,

47:20

phew. That was quite a day

47:23

of miracle-ing. I'm pooped. Sure

47:25

was, Jesus. You did great though. I

47:27

just wish there were more of me

47:30

to go around, you know. The harvest

47:32

is great, but the laborers are few.

47:34

Yeah. Only we had your powers and

47:36

we could do miracles too. Ooh,

47:39

that gives me an idea. Introducing

47:44

the Twelve Apostles with the

47:46

power against unclean spirits to

47:48

cast out demons and to

47:51

heal all manner of sickness

47:53

and all manner of disease.

47:56

They are Simon, who is called Peter.

47:58

I've got an ear. For

48:00

evil ear. Andrew, Peter's

48:03

brother. Really? That's how

48:05

I'm introduced? James, the

48:07

son of Zebedee and John, his brother.

48:09

I didn't get my own intro. Philip

48:12

and Bartholomew, Thomas and Matthew

48:15

the Publican. Ah, I knew having

48:17

a job would pay off. James,

48:19

the son of Alpheus and

48:21

Lettius, whose surname was Thaddeus.

48:24

Okay, that feels phone booky. Simon

48:26

the Canaanite and Judas Iscariot,

48:29

who also betrayed him. Boilers!

48:32

They are the Twelve

48:34

Disciples. Alright

48:38

Disciples, now that you're gathered, are

48:40

you ready for your mission? Absolutely.

48:44

Okay, go amongst the Jews and tell them

48:46

how great I am. Heal

48:48

the sick, cleanse the lepers, raise the

48:50

dead, cast out devils, you know the

48:52

drill. You gotta do this. Oh,

48:56

oh, but stay away

48:58

from Gentiles and Samaritans.

49:01

Because they what? Don't need our help? No,

49:05

they're just icky. No bad

49:07

vibes man. Oh, don't take

49:09

money or shoes or more than one coat. That

49:11

feels impractical. Yeah, where are we gonna

49:13

stay? Oh, when you just get

49:16

to a city, just ask around for who's worthy

49:18

and then stay at their house. When

49:20

you get to their house, do a salute,

49:22

and if they don't let you in, shake off

49:24

the dust when you leave and it'll be worse

49:27

for them than it was for Sodom and Gomorrah.

49:29

It was a little harsh. Wow. You'll

49:31

be hunted like sheep by wolves

49:33

and brothers will kill brothers, fathers

49:36

will condemn their sons to death in

49:38

your name, and you'll be brought to

49:40

trial, but don't worry. The hair on

49:42

your head is numbered and you are

49:44

worth way more than sparrows. Okay, he

49:46

lost me. You guys follow in this

49:48

now. It feels like the speech took

49:50

a turn again. If you

49:53

serve me, I'll say nice things to my

49:55

dad about you, but if you deny me,

49:57

I'll deny you to my dad. jazz.

50:00

So many threats. A lot of

50:02

threats. Everything he says. Look, I

50:04

have not come for peace, but

50:06

with a sword. For I am

50:08

come to set a man at

50:10

variance against his father, and

50:13

the daughter against her mother, and

50:15

the daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law.

50:18

That last one won't take much work, am I right? Not

50:21

the time. I'm trying to lighten

50:23

the mood. Classic. Anyone who loves

50:25

their mom or their child more

50:27

than me, if not worthy of

50:29

me. Super toxic in that. Just

50:32

everything. Okay. Everybody be nice to

50:34

my followers, or you'll go to

50:36

hell, because I'm like the

50:39

most important person

50:41

ever. Got it. So

50:46

now that Jesus is done psychotically ranting about

50:48

his enemies list, he gets a message from

50:50

John the Baptist in prison. Excuse

50:54

me. Jesus? Oh, hey. Where's John? At

50:58

jail. Oh,

51:00

what for? Yeah, he yelled at the king

51:02

for marrying his brother's wife. Oh,

51:05

that John. Always yelling

51:07

at someone. You know how he is.

51:09

Anyway, how can I help? Yeah, well,

51:11

he wants to know if you're the Messiah, or

51:14

if we should like keep

51:16

looking. Oh, I don't know. Why don't

51:18

you guys hang out and tell John I'm like healing

51:21

the sick and making the lame walk.

51:23

You know, that sort of thing. Sorry,

51:26

that's a really coy answer from someone

51:28

who just gave a speech about how

51:30

people who don't think you're the Son

51:32

of God are going to be punished

51:34

for all eternity. Or

51:37

is it? Yes,

51:40

it is. Hey,

51:43

everyone. So those messengers remind

51:45

me I wanted to tell

51:47

you all about John the

51:49

Baptist. So,

51:53

you know, you're walking through the desert and

51:55

you're like, what's that a tree, a man

51:58

clothed in soft garments. Or

52:00

wait, could it be a prophet?

52:04

Yes, this is a weird intro. What?

52:06

Well, that's right. John the Baptist

52:09

isn't just a prophet. He is

52:11

the best person ever. Wait,

52:13

Jesus, aren't you the best person ever?

52:16

Yeah, I thought you were literally God.

52:18

Okay, shut up. John is amazing. Since

52:20

John was born, heaven has been like,

52:22

whoa, that guy is so awesome. What

52:25

are we even gonna do? That's how

52:27

awesome he is, you know? So many

52:29

questions about that whole thing just now.

52:31

And like John fasts and everyone's like,

52:34

oh, he's not eating because of demons, but

52:36

then I eat and everyone's like, look at

52:38

him eating, you know, you can't win. What?

52:41

You doing a stand up bit? Oh,

52:44

okay. Speaking of which, here's

52:46

a list of cities that I'm

52:48

mad at. Woe unto

52:51

the Corazin, woe

52:53

unto the Bessazalda. Man,

52:57

Jesus spends a ton of time condemning

53:00

people for not following him. Yeah, I think

53:02

one of the most important things we can

53:05

do with this segment is illustrate to people

53:07

that Jesus is not some wise teacher. He's

53:09

just very clearly interested in everybody worshiping him.

53:12

And he's not particularly fond of anyone who doesn't.

53:15

Okay, but isn't like the wise teacher myth

53:17

useful? I don't think so. No,

53:20

I thought that means like better Christian

53:22

today. I mean, maybe for

53:24

people who are already inclined to seek out

53:27

good advice in their religion, but the fact

53:29

that the Bible agrees with the Christian is

53:32

a lot more harmful. Exactly, like at

53:34

best the myth helps Christians feel better

53:36

about not giving up their religion. Yeah,

53:39

and a lot of the time they're giving money

53:41

to Christians who do believe in the Bible and

53:43

are a lot more extreme. Yeah,

53:45

I guess that's fair. Speaking

53:47

of which, did you guys read that magazine

53:50

senior pet email to us? It has some

53:52

wild stuff. I think I'm gonna do that too. And

53:56

the fun will reveal him. Hey,

54:00

Jesus. Oh fuck. It's

54:03

the Pharisees. Hey Pharisees.

54:05

What do you guys want now? We

54:07

just saw your disciple picking wheat.

54:10

You're supposed to keep the Sabbath holy, right?

54:12

Well, well, that's true They are but

54:14

you know who's holier than the Sabbath?

54:17

Me just like when David went

54:19

into temple and ate the priest

54:21

bread that story doesn't seem related

54:23

Yeah, you can't just break all the rules

54:25

of Judaism because you say you're the Messiah

54:29

Oh I can and that's pretty much my whole thing

54:33

Excuse me Jesus. Oh,

54:35

hey there. You'll

54:37

notice I have this withered hand Oh,

54:39

yeah, let me take care of that

54:41

for you. Wait Jesus fucking Pharisees What

54:44

are you allowed to heal on the Sabbath?

54:46

Yeah, doesn't that count as work? No,

54:49

I'm God. I get to do

54:51

God stuff whenever I want I'm

54:55

sorry, Jesus. Oh my god. I'm

54:57

gonna need to get one of

54:59

these numbers things. Yes. Can I

55:01

help you? Oh, yeah, my cousin

55:03

is deaf and dumb and it's

55:05

now so I think that means

55:07

he's probably full of demons Oh,

55:09

yeah full of demons for sure.

55:12

Bing-bang-boom. I'm sure great. You're welcome.

55:14

Bye. I mean sure Or

55:17

oh my god, Pharisees. What now?

55:21

Maybe you're the son of God or maybe You

55:24

know Beelzebub super well, why would

55:26

Beelzebub help me cast out demons

55:29

when he is a demon? A

55:32

house divided it against itself

55:34

cannot stand Wait,

55:38

wait that Jesus quote from

55:40

the Bible is him addressing

55:42

hypothetical demon drama. Yep Do

55:46

do Christians know that they do not know? Stupid.

55:50

Yep Okay,

55:53

okay everyone listen I

55:55

have a very important

55:57

announcement I just remembered

56:00

or realized or

56:03

something. It's not clear. There

56:05

is one unforgivable

56:08

sin. Wow. Yeah,

56:12

every other sin but this one

56:14

shall be forgiven. So this one

56:17

must be really bad, huh? Oh,

56:19

it is the worst.

56:21

What is it? Is it

56:23

rape? Child murder? Worse.

56:27

The unforgivable sin

56:30

is denying the Holy Spirit, you guys.

56:34

Sorry, denying the what? What?

56:36

Okay, so it's like ghost

56:38

me. I haven't explained

56:40

it yet. Did you want to? Probably

56:44

before you explained that it's the unforgivable

56:47

sin? That'd be great. No, no. All

56:49

that matters is if you deny the

56:52

Holy Spirit in word or thought, your

56:54

sins will never be forgiven. That's all.

56:56

Thought? Wait, so it's a thought

56:58

crime too? Uh-huh, thought crime too, yep. Okay,

57:02

and the fact that you were just

57:04

arguing with the Pharisees has nothing to

57:06

do with it. Oh, no, no, not

57:08

at all. I just remembered. You just

57:10

remembered that the only unforgivable sin

57:12

is questioning your godliness

57:16

right after someone questioned

57:18

your godliness? Mm-hmm. This

57:22

is a bad book. Yup. All

57:27

right, well, with a quick reminder that the bad guy in

57:29

this book does eventually get what's coming to him. We're going

57:31

to close it off there, but there's still more Matthew to

57:33

come in the next installment of Bible

57:36

Peace. Before

57:45

we return to our coffins, I want to urge you one

57:47

more time to lock in your ticket to see us live

57:49

in Salt Lake City on August 3rd. We're in a smaller

57:51

theater than normal and it's in danger of selling out early.

57:54

And your absence would greatly fuck up the vibe of

57:56

the show, so, you know, get on that. Check the

57:58

show notes. Anyway, that's all. out for you

58:00

tonight but we'll be back in 10,000 22 minutes with more.

58:02

If you can't wait that long been looking up for

58:04

a brand new episode of our sister shows Hot Friend

58:06

Got Off a Movies Day been at 7 Eastern on

58:08

Tuesday and an even newer episode of our half-sisterial citation

58:11

day been at noon eastern on Wednesday. Obviously I can't

58:13

bestow upon this episode at ceremonial wreath if I neglect

58:15

to thank Heath Enright for being so hot Eli Bosney

58:17

for being so cool and Lucinda Luzins for being just

58:19

right. Also want to thank Don Ford for being not

58:21

just the voice of fantasy and adventure but our voice

58:23

of fantasy and adventure. Also want to thank Mara for

58:25

providing this week's Barnes-Rault and Mara consider how much trust

58:27

I'm putting in you assuming that what you said was

58:30

Japanese for the Farnsworth quote. For all I

58:32

know you were calling upon the Japanese speaking listeners to

58:34

rise up against us also Mara would like to encourage

58:36

you to support your local teacher's union as would I.

58:38

But most of all of course I want to thank

58:41

this week's best bipeds Jessica, Dan, Dietrich, Kieran, Christopher and

58:43

Jamila. Jessica and Dan were sharper than Excalibur. Dietrich and

58:45

Kieran who are so smart, Ludwood, Bun, Siegfried tried to

58:47

get them and Christopher and Jamila who are so brainy

58:50

anthropomorphic rhinos and boars asked them what to do. Together

58:52

these six sexy secularists selected securing sacrilege this week by

58:54

giving us money. Not everybody has the money it takes

58:56

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58:58

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59:01

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clicking on the donate button on the right side of

59:07

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59:09

but your money is too inflated to fit through the

59:12

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59:18

Robertson handles all that for us and our audio engineer

59:21

is Martin Clark who also wrote all the music that

59:23

was used in this episode which was used with permission.

59:25

If you have questions comments or death hurts report all

59:27

the content, info on the contact pages skatingadius.com. Nope.

59:43

Oh that sounded like a good one. Yeah but it's

59:45

getting one but then it cracked. Yeah yeah. All

59:49

right let me see if I can recapture it but

59:51

without the puberty here we go catch that magic. The

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59:57

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