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2:18

in our culture we know joy as a superpower

2:20

think new and well it will doubt that was what

2:22

we need is to resurrect the power

2:24

of sadness and the power of if his

2:26

own

2:27

we said that it's one of

2:29

the most powerful weird welcome

2:33

to the school of read this

2:35

money was louis how as a former pro athletes

2:37

turn why style entrepreneur in

2:39

each week we bring you an inspiring person

2:42

or message to help you discover

2:44

how to unlock your inner

2:46

weakness thanks for spending some time with

2:48

me today now let the class begin

2:55

they're sweet having a problem

2:58

that can s was both of us specifically recently

3:01

we both had quote to

3:03

a pathway for me

3:05

my father passed father few months ago

3:08

it was a time

3:10

for we allow myself to express my

3:12

range of emotions sadness

3:16

summer is that mess of anger some frustration

3:19

subject and purchase a lot of sadness

3:22

but at the same time when

3:24

back to my home town to my old

3:26

house and

3:29

the was like gravity

3:30

there's a lot of appreciation gratitude and

3:32

joy and , know if you spanish

3:34

that point you have family members pass recently

3:37

where there is both sadness and

3:39

loss of joy in gratitude but

3:41

that's what i still and that's why i continue to feel

3:44

yeah i feel like such a dizzying

3:47

mix of emotions that you end up having

3:49

and for me with

3:51

both the last of my father and my brother

3:53

in the first emotion that i had in both

3:56

cases with nausea actually

3:59

and i had it for day

3:59

and will go away yeah i think

4:02

it was just like a profound

4:04

feeling of like been ground have pulled

4:06

out from algeria

4:07

you and yeah you notice the sense of

4:09

like this , he

4:11

know that with cease to be on them

4:13

or me again like that kind of feeling that

4:16

like both buttons i had to just really absorb

4:18

that first own by

4:21

you know if my father in

4:24

particular what

4:26

took the places that

4:28

quickly in my

4:32

father was like with a person who

4:35

the really bitter sweet person in in his own

4:37

way and he

4:40

really loved beauty and so he was

4:42

like a here than medical school professor

4:44

and he works like crazy long hours but

4:46

he would come home

4:49

late at night and he

4:51

would always healthy things he was doing like he loved

4:53

orchids he just that they were beautiful and so

4:56

the filtered and

4:57

i'm a greenhouse full of orchids

4:59

in the basement reno yeah and he would just

5:01

like cultivate these orchids the

5:04

only people would see them were like him in the family

5:06

and then you let the sound

5:09

of the french language so he would teach himself

5:11

how to be trapped his boyfriend you're fluent or

5:13

is there are about to fall i think you replied

5:16

mostly fluid and the time he was an as

5:18

political yeah and down here

5:20

and he loved me as i love music so much night

5:22

right about is bittersweet him he was the one

5:24

who really

5:26

courtney love it so much even like playing

5:28

it for me from the time i was a little kid so

5:32

the after he dies

5:35

every time i listen to music or see

5:37

something that i know he would have appreciated like

5:40

an

5:40

it was like oh my gosh i was so much that

5:42

i can tell him as or share this with

5:44

him

5:46

then i was able to move to a place of like

5:48

well he so here with me and some way i love

5:51

these things because he loved them to you

5:53

know whether

5:54

there were sharing it for genetic reasons or

5:56

because he treats me like words

5:59

i feel like they're still it

5:59

southern appear so that's been

6:02

great to do feel more connected

6:04

after his passing then when he

6:06

was here

6:07

the berkeley

6:08

no no i think it's

6:11

more it's just that it's similar that it hasn't hasn't

6:13

changed as much as i thought it was

6:15

gonna change really

6:16

yeah something like that

6:18

so there was sadness

6:20

was also

6:22

swedish to it after this after

6:24

passing

6:25

i mean i get the sweetness is like

6:28

the it's made me take stock

6:30

of all the different

6:33

there are things that he gave to me there's

6:35

like everything i was just surprised again always

6:37

and yeah like i i really like live my life

6:40

speaking all the time about beauty

6:42

and why it matters so much to me but it's just

6:44

oh and it

6:46

was really only after he

6:49

died that died the came as

6:51

and hemsley aware and i am of

6:53

how much of that comes from him

6:57

would you stay with the base lesson he taught

6:59

you

7:03

it was bad but in others to so way

7:05

that he lived his life that was

7:07

like you know just

7:09

the right thing without any matter

7:11

fast like he was not a person who care about

7:13

the spotlight one way or another so

7:16

you know my first book client was about introverts

7:18

i think

7:20

everyone in my family of introverted so

7:23

i got the his lessons from everyone in the family but

7:25

i would look at my father and like breathing

7:28

that he did am with because

7:31

he was

7:32

quiet person who would like spend

7:34

a lot of time you know poring over medical journals

7:36

doing everything that he needed to leverage to be really

7:38

good at when he does am and

7:40

he didn't care about

7:42

the spotlight so that so

7:44

i would go from that and then look around

7:46

at the culture that is telling you in a you have

7:48

to be the kind of person who wants to be in the spotlight all the

7:50

time and there was like this total mismatch

7:53

between what i was observing with him

7:55

and at home versus what the culture

7:57

was saying and that i think was with

7:59

enabled me to

7:59

two

8:01

the cultural message that we were getting the

8:03

jello confusion growing up then when

8:05

other people were about the spotlight and your cause

8:08

happy being

8:09

more isolated i guess oh yeah totally

8:12

i mean much that like i always like to connect with

8:14

people but i liked to connect

8:15

when and why not every groups

8:17

you're not a big groups and really like

8:19

everything they do now that's in the spotlight is

8:22

it's like oh my god i'm stepping so far as i

8:24

like iraq years and it's like in the service of work

8:26

that i really love so i do it sounds

8:28

but it's not really my core

8:31

the

8:32

them yeah if it causes process

8:34

of more him through that he talked about being

8:37

whole when you're experiencing sorrow

8:39

and pain and sadness nice things how does someone

8:41

steal whole

8:43

when there's so much pain in their life

8:45

because they're

8:48

human so schumann's have pain

8:50

that part of what it is to be human

8:52

and like a defined that are

8:54

seen as seen as a deep recognition

8:56

that joy and sorrow are forever paired

8:59

in this world and them everything in this

9:01

world is impermanent in

9:03

the people we love will not be here forever but

9:05

said there's something about really

9:08

intensely knowing that

9:10

that connects you to a kind of piercing

9:12

enjoy it how beautiful everything is

9:15

so it's like

9:16

i don't think you can feel whole if

9:19

you're doing you're know that sort of tactically

9:21

positive thing of out always

9:25

plastering a cheerful smile on your face

9:27

and never talking about with really happening that's

9:29

not home as that's to float self

9:31

the taser complete separate thing

9:34

so how do how to someone gets your place

9:36

of knowing their whole well they

9:38

feel sadness and darkness

9:41

well if you're only feeling sadness and darkness

9:43

you're probably going you're you're

9:45

probably situated too far on the other

9:47

extreme and and he might be needing to

9:49

figure out

9:50

what's keeping you locked only

9:52

in that place

9:54

so i think get a process of being

9:56

open to all the emotions that we have

9:59

the

9:59

skiing in a way where do we each of these

10:02

emotions tell us what is this pain that i have

10:04

tell me you know like if you're

10:07

experiencing let's a huge pain over

10:09

pain breakup that

10:12

telling you that you have that pain because

10:14

you care about love and about relationships

10:17

so it's like the pain is pointing directly

10:19

to what do you care about most

10:22

and once you know what you care about most you can

10:25

mean further into that thing as

10:27

opposed to what alternatively

10:29

do is say i'm feeling all this pain

10:32

so maybe i shouldn't have released

10:33

the anymore you know it's a campaign over and over

10:35

again so i better like reconsider

10:37

this whole thing so many respects

10:39

about always painful yeah right and

10:42

did you ever think well maybe i just didn't do this

10:44

at all why was always like okay blair relationship

10:46

for a period of time is

10:48

, beautiful it's not

10:51

and then eventually it turns in the pain and

10:53

suffering being single they're

10:56

freeing and he on and peaceful

10:59

hell it's not when i feel longing

11:02

of intimacy and vulnerability and through

11:04

deeper connection as opposed to cause surface

11:07

level connections like a care

11:09

really craved intimacy and

11:11

vulnerability

11:13

that every time i dove into that

11:15

i found myself suffering and pain

11:17

and harlech was really

11:20

figure out the process getting

11:22

back to wholeness and not sort

11:24

, like i didn't voice why didn't need it

11:26

now so whole with myself and my own

11:28

vulnerability of intimacy and

11:31

then being able to create able to

11:34

based out of wholeness not out of

11:37

a whirlwind or something as lack it

11:39

doesn't somewhere really starting to show

11:42

for me re re yeah no

11:44

that makes total sense so it sounds like

11:46

you can either spend six months

11:48

in the relationship

11:49

in get to the wall or six months

11:51

and really will head and then gives you the well as loneliness

11:54

yeah yeah yeah i never figured out

11:56

a break through the wall till till recently

11:59

moved to say that

11:59

the hardest a motion see you to

12:02

overcome or learn how to how to manage

12:05

where wasn't like holding you back in a big way

12:07

for me personally the

12:10

emergence of sorrow and longing that i talked about in

12:12

the book have actually always been ones

12:14

that i do manage pretty well and

12:17

and he the beauty and them

12:19

for me personally

12:20

that one that's been the most difficult i would say

12:22

is anxiety really oh yeah

12:24

yeah whatever me rarity man's

12:27

voice idea adjusting idea census

12:29

around one

12:30

agatha little bit of oh i see

12:32

no i just have a pro next to a

12:34

kind of low level anxiety

12:36

say that now

12:38

i'm a lot of things that i need to get done like

12:41

until i'm really on it

12:43

the call strasser anxious

12:44

yeah yeah and then we're talking

12:46

before before

12:48

we came on line you know that all my life i had

12:50

this historic terrible public speaking

12:52

anxiety and that when i really didn't overcome

12:55

but it was a huge thing that overshadows my

12:57

life for okay it's really

13:00

oh yeah yeah

13:00

i would cripple you are would

13:03

just it would consume your energy

13:05

a week or two getting ready for the speech it

13:08

was a little bit of both his legs before

13:10

the speech am i wouldn't be able

13:12

to eat for

13:13

like a week i wouldn't really we are yeah yeah

13:15

yeah he for a we're going to need for a week

13:17

yeah i'm ,

13:20

peanuts or something or some yeah yeah

13:22

just like the bare minimum minimum

13:24

alive yeah yeah i can get

13:26

a degree and then you need something need

13:28

, four days against their lives of the speech

13:31

yeah wow

13:31

yeah i and i chloe as like grit my

13:33

teeth and gets

13:34

through the states but i don't think i did

13:36

a great job and you're terrible job either

13:39

like i would discriminate he all your space is yours

13:41

looks incredible and my to honor remember

13:43

everything is connected with the audience

13:45

suicide yards rain pro royal seal

13:48

all those things anymore like i actually really

13:50

did overcome this one am not

13:52

easy pets there's a magic were

13:55

overcome

13:56

any kind of fear i'm curious if

13:58

you did this with your public speaking the of it used

14:00

to have you know the secret is just desensitization

14:03

like exposing yourself to the thing the easier

14:06

but and really small doses

14:08

so that's what i did when a seminars

14:11

for people of public speaking anxiety

14:13

in and went to toastmasters those

14:15

measures the for the yeah the yeah

14:17

worth a read it really works could you have to

14:19

laughter

14:20

in a supportive environment where doesn't matter

14:23

how much is

14:23

that process was was a foundation

14:25

for me because i could not get in front of a group

14:27

five people like us time before without

14:31

the getting everything i remember thinking how

14:33

many give give a two minute speech

14:35

and how did what him what can i say

14:38

that interesting for two minutes five

14:40

minutes for like five hours yes

14:42

yes and i remember going to toastmasters

14:45

the first time

14:47

twenty four hours terrified

14:49

there was always like in a thirty forty fifth

14:51

year old professionals and suits

14:53

and had been speaking for decades

14:56

and i'm sitting there the bomb

14:58

just got done playing football

15:00

forgot what are going to do my life and a t

15:02

shirt i cut off teacher walking in the like

15:04

i'm not the right place but there

15:06

was exactly where i knew the be remember

15:09

they said you know

15:10

okay your first speech is an icebreaker five

15:13

minutes long ray remember years ago

15:15

i spent two weeks

15:17

writing down

15:19

word for word the speech or like i have

15:21

no idea what to say for five minutes

15:23

i entered the toastmasters the first

15:25

time sweating dripping sweat

15:28

dubai the podium because are so afraid to get a front

15:30

of people need the merrier yeah and

15:32

i admire papers of

15:34

their i literally look down the whole time can

15:36

just read like this to me shouldn't miss a thing

15:38

slips the page read

15:40

the whole time and know the and looked up

15:43

and i remember feel like man i'm such

15:45

a loser i'm sober up on the worst

15:47

person here rebellion

15:50

to make fun of me and i

15:52

was st charles missouri camec funny do they

15:54

have to be supportive right and semi encouraging

15:57

and give constructive feedback and

16:00

there were great that they're like you know next time try to look

16:02

at once i do know that breasts next

16:04

time try to smile as you know next cosmos

16:06

it's thirty be breath and so as

16:09

opposed them small doses i threw myself

16:11

in every week

16:13

my fav another space unless and

16:15

everytime i go

16:17

they need to get up for table topics which

16:19

on of your member

16:19

yeah yeah

16:21

which would which were there are you are and we're this

16:23

the ones that are impromptu improbable affects

16:25

yeah yeah improv palmer

16:27

speaking

16:28

the primary thing every time i have to do this

16:30

because i don't want to do it re re everything

16:32

that made me feel uncomfortable i just have access

16:34

to get out of business and did you ever like stay

16:36

home and it's just it's to say

16:39

let's say to know how master whenever you have

16:41

yeah because i was this

16:43

appear to my life where had no nothing else

16:45

going on going was on my sister's couch sister's was

16:47

broken when i was like was like to overcome

16:50

this fear and so i was

16:52

i'm going every week

16:54

i found a mentor from the toastmasters

16:56

why i meet with every week as well at

16:58

night and his place and go over

17:00

my neck speech i practice

17:02

it with i was like i'm supposed

17:04

to be the only person in the history of so sastre

17:06

obsessive sive ever done that has the most

17:08

committed to the i had a i knew that

17:11

this was crippling me he is still in

17:13

his inability to stand in front of a few people

17:16

can say a massive would

17:18

cripple me for the rest my life if i didn't

17:20

our comments that was exactly how i

17:22

cells also really are

17:23

there and are used to be a corporate lawyer

17:26

and i didn't hair deep down

17:28

i think that much about corporate law so

17:31

i would never invested enough to overcome

17:33

this year when i was doing them

17:36

but then when i became a writer and i care

17:38

so much that when around your

17:40

anger yeah has to like only passing

17:42

each camp nowadays do this profession without

17:44

being able to the i speak about

17:46

it that was when i had the motivation

17:49

to do what you were just describing at my oh my god

17:51

i'm gonna show up

17:52

we're given a papers

17:54

m you know you just keep doing it and

17:57

yeah i think people don't have a don't understand

18:01

what it like with the thing that is

18:03

sad about

18:04

the needed podium

18:06

the seminar that i went you

18:08

typically

18:09

the ball overcoming the fear or

18:11

email that was a thing that was like overcoming

18:14

fear public speaking phenomenon

18:16

yeah it's him a new york city i think it's still

18:18

going from my the guy term

18:19

if the can now i'm it's

18:22

called i think the public speaking center of new york

18:24

of great and he does exercises

18:26

where it's like you'd stand

18:28

in front of everybody with other people

18:31

on either side of you and all you'd have to

18:33

do with there's no question about yourself the

18:35

idea of having the other people next you as like

18:38

you're not

18:38

alone in the spotlight officer legal status

18:40

terrifying old

18:41

for you're practicing being on stage

18:43

but you're not up there all alone so that's like

18:45

the

18:45

little by little idea to answer question

18:48

and they just stand next to you and and are not doing

18:50

anything this is one per yeah

18:52

answering of the time is not everyone's answering right

18:55

one person to like let's say it's my turn and

18:57

like up there and got two people here to people here

18:59

they're not saying anything i'm the only one

19:02

on the hook sure but but i know

19:04

that you're but there there with you and that changes

19:06

that that little ratcheted down

19:08

yeah and then little

19:10

when are you you got there on your

19:12

own the next week yeah i think something i like

19:15

about hosts masses they give you like proper

19:17

new prompt every time you do a speech yeah

19:20

this one this is a prop the swan use

19:22

in a vocal variety this one

19:24

you know

19:26

whatever you say the name or something it's

19:29

and with also like semi we were talking

19:31

about before we came online about off

19:33

the ability

19:34

the to what extent is our culture allow it the

19:37

heroic a group like a toastmasters the

19:40

actually allow

19:40

talk about that because

19:43

though many people are in there for that

19:46

for every like i had assumed when i first

19:48

went that it was gonna be all these

19:50

a moving company speakers who are just

19:52

barrett but then sherry

19:54

and earlier than that's yes but

19:56

when them a was more like people who really needed

19:58

to work on it

19:59

so and say that was one of my first

20:02

public spaces really talking about

20:04

these kinds of topics in and out

20:06

there were a new practice these topics their

20:08

first year in to get around to the public

20:10

lands exactly actually scale

20:13

of one to ten

20:14

when you wrote quiet

20:17

when it came out there and i was with a new york times bestseller

20:19

lists for the first year i say

20:21

on skill one to ten

20:24

how much self love and companies

20:26

to do have after year of

20:29

accomplishing this

20:30

lead accomplishments

20:32

how much sell flowers was held love and

20:35

the conference like lack of anxiety

20:38

you say you had

20:40

when you are the after the first year

20:42

ten being like you love yourself the most

20:44

and have no anxiety one being

20:46

you had a ton of

20:48

anxiety

20:49

the

20:51

you're questioning yourself lava you are

20:53

you are

20:54

what loving yourself before capacity

20:57

the mean about like and

21:00

public appearances

21:00

in generally has internally

21:04

internally i was out

21:05

there are

21:07

i think i was

21:09

feeling

21:10

feeling pretty darn

21:12

you're gonna get

21:14

hurt because when as when a a

21:17

yeah i mean i'd wanted to be a writer since

21:19

i was for and i had spent so many

21:21

years often this gigantic

21:23

detour of being a lawyer

21:26

and then suddenly this dream is and always

21:28

has and come true moses

21:30

yeah and and

21:33

i mean you know this feeling of like when you get letters

21:35

from people they tell you what it

21:37

might have meant to them the

21:39

best thing in the world i don't really know if anything

21:42

better work life was so

21:45

yeah i think

21:46

when did you feel as he of he felt pretty

21:48

consistent with those emotions of a last

21:50

ten years and

21:52

the when times were you doubted yourself

21:54

and the last ten years

21:55

no and i mean i don't think you can

21:58

help but sometimes doubt yourself i

22:01

don't either explain it like when it comes

22:03

to writing

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i s

24:50

in a deep fundamental level

24:53

i don't have that much doubt because i

24:55

so much of a sense of

24:56

this is what i'm supposed to be too

24:58

so i don't always know that i'm actually

25:00

going

25:01

create the best thing and but i

25:03

just know that the process of trying to

25:05

create it new ideas regret your

25:07

put why do you know if i know how to do and i just know that

25:10

trying to do it is like

25:12

that's like the great gift of my life just

25:14

working

25:15

there there's always hope there and vision

25:18

of the shining amazing saying that you're actually

25:20

going to create and you know you're never going to actually reach

25:22

that vision or reach our goal but

25:24

just the act of trying to me too near

25:27

the ultimate state girl so like going

25:29

to his i wrote bittersweet it took me all these years

25:31

once again and yeah like yeah like moments

25:34

where i'm like tearing my hair out over how the heck

25:36

to a structure this chapter i've no idea what

25:38

to do but then there's some the

25:40

the level where i feel like well you know just

25:42

the action tearing my hair out over this

25:45

if the right pathway is worth it yeah

25:47

yeah i remember when i hadn't

25:49

moved gilbert on unless you're here

25:51

puzzle her as well but i know the yes she's great

25:54

great murder on and she

25:56

met him how he

25:59

added massive hit eat pray

26:01

love and issues like what

26:03

do you do now knowing that probably your best

26:05

work or your most exciting we were hustler

26:08

haryana heinz yeah i kind

26:10

of like did you have

26:12

this sense of required of okay

26:15

this eight year run of

26:17

your time bizarre left what

26:19

, people in the world have done that avenue for

26:21

that long did you have the start of like

26:23

how can i make the next thing as good

26:26

or am i going to be as good as my previous

26:28

work or are

26:30

people going to care as much

26:32

well i have a their lives

26:34

gilbert daves the most beautiful

26:36

the hedgehog i'm that exact

26:38

opposite you ever see that one is incredible i

26:41

watched i tentatively million before

26:43

i ever gave my cassette to me was just

26:46

amazing and some head

26:48

some i thought about that about lot as i was

26:50

reading the second book and

26:53

i don't know

26:55

mack so yeah

26:57

there's a feeling of like

27:01

that fear but

27:03

there's also something that you and i talked about

27:06

earlier about the feeling

27:08

of michael if you connect with

27:10

one person that

27:13

yeah that that's the goal and

27:16

zone

27:17

so i felt like well okay know

27:20

you want

27:21

the be spending all your time a wanna be

27:23

connecting with many people as you possibly can but

27:26

i also think there's something about to than one intense

27:28

one intense one connection

27:30

that is worth it absolutely so

27:32

that's what i focus on and

27:35

the i were you know and so now i have the new letters

27:37

coming in for people who have read bittersweet and they'll

27:40

talk about it

27:42

those near the my billie moment thrive

27:44

yeah yeah if today's just so

27:46

many of us want to have these these accomplishments

27:49

are you wanna which the same

27:51

thing that he did in a previous thing but

27:55

what i'm hearing you say is focusing more on the process

27:57

is where you really get the joy and focusing

27:59

on

28:01

however many people consume it

28:03

or engage with it and supporting

28:05

them is really where the the joy comes from yeah

28:07

i feel like there's a kind of magic in at like

28:10

on the the reason i wanted to be a writer in the first

28:12

place that's because the feeling i

28:14

would get reading a book of like the

28:16

intense connection with the author and

28:19

and the author may not even be alive anymore the

28:21

moment you're having that connections and yet

28:23

you're having and across the centuries so

28:26

, what i mean it for he knows trying

28:28

to have those moments of cool

28:31

i feel i job

28:33

the reason that wholeness and the world

28:35

i mean there's so much addition

28:37

to outside things to

28:40

try to create wholeness social

28:42

media addition substances

28:44

weather's alcohol or raping

28:47

our cigarettes or drugs

28:51

who sex addiction to whatever

28:53

my be out there

28:55

where do you think it emptiness is coming from

28:58

why are so many people sleeping wholeness

29:01

an outside distractions

29:03

i mean there's a lotta reason for that but

29:05

i'm i

29:08

think our culture we've

29:10

been in trouble for awhile because

29:13

we

29:15

hey while i'm like i'm actually dating

29:17

this all the way back to the nineteenth century like a

29:20

talk about this in the book since

29:22

then we started

29:24

asking the yourself a question of like

29:26

when something goes

29:28

we are well for someone is

29:30

that because

29:31

outside forces of good locker bad luck

29:34

or that about something inside the person and

29:36

the answer

29:36

probably really a mix of both

29:38

an increasingly

29:40

we started answering that question by saying it

29:43

all that you like you're

29:45

totally determining every and

29:47

from there we started categorizing

29:50

people into born winners

29:52

they're born lasers and her

29:54

they think we don't we may not admit it but that's

29:56

really how we think about

29:57

ourselves and each other's why do we categorize

29:59

born winners and losers

30:01

why because me based or like

30:04

you have a chapter rogozin a book about winners and losers

30:06

teased about like your parents

30:08

have a certain amount so you're going to be a winner

30:11

or where you were born or what type of

30:13

winter loser d mean by then oh i mean

30:15

like are you gonna be a like a winner

30:17

game of life you know and n n n a

30:19

different ultra moments we

30:21

the find that differently you know nowadays

30:23

that looks like and in a very

30:26

successful at work for you attractive

30:28

are you are you said are you the

30:30

only thing that and not only are you other things

30:32

that you achieve all that this thing three

30:34

effortlessly the more

30:36

we are looking at herself

30:38

in each other that way the

30:41

more we feel like we have to

30:43

present the emotions of a winner

30:45

so we have to always seeing happy

30:48

and everything's easy for as if

30:51

nothing's to wagner

30:52

though robin bothers

30:53

nothing bothers me yes

30:55

you know like that the emotions that eight talk

30:57

about of sorrow and longing which i actually

31:00

believe

31:01

i'm in the most powerful emotions that connect

31:03

us with each other and that connect

31:05

us with the heavens and you know with with

31:07

transcendence and with creativity

31:10

me

31:11

don't allow ourselves to

31:13

there because to express sorrow and longing

31:15

is you put yourself kind

31:17

of on the laser side of the emotional

31:20

ledger

31:21

so we can't be whole because

31:23

we don't allow ourselves to

31:26

talk about

31:28

paint even though that's part of life like it should be

31:30

no big deal to be no big deal because of

31:32

course everybody habit of course everyone has

31:34

these emotions

31:36

that were afraid of of how will be seen

31:38

as or did he give our freedom

31:41

the cry in front of others to

31:43

be vulnerable to say things that they're ashamed

31:45

of

31:46

to say thing that they're not proud of what

31:48

do you think that is

31:50

i think people are afraid of falling

31:52

in status you know like falling

31:55

leaving their status in the eyes of others you

31:57

know that you're

31:58

the cowboys

31:59

the rain

31:59

down on their social hierarchy if

32:02

you admit those things

32:04

even though you know

32:07

that's what else we can access to people that like can

32:09

access that's the thing that is what

32:11

connected

32:11

the and then there's a real them that like

32:14

our religious they talk about covering

32:17

what to do with the problem of suffering

32:19

and and all our religions talk about

32:22

the longing for

32:23

the world a more perfect and beautiful

32:26

than this one you know

32:28

the longing for eating longing

32:30

for mecca the longing for zion it's

32:32

because me the ah come into this

32:34

world with a sense as

32:37

incomplete this and that desire

32:39

whew

32:40

here to articulate that and to

32:42

reach a little

32:43

author for

32:45

please of of will love and

32:47

beauty

32:49

we only allow ourselves to express

32:51

that through that they religion

32:53

or through a few different pieces of art let's say

32:56

we don't allow in everyday

32:59

the channel even though that's a connector

33:02

yeah , interesting because up until i turned

33:04

thirty thirty would say i lived

33:06

in a world where i had to put on a certain

33:09

mask or an hour to predict a

33:12

strength or confidence knowing

33:15

the answers whatever my be ah

33:18

, either project a lack

33:20

of weakness is when i felt like i needed

33:22

to do in order to belongs

33:24

way city and be accepted

33:27

and be loved loved then

33:29

i i realized that was a thing i was

33:31

holding me back from deepest levels of

33:33

connection intimacy connection

33:36

and the full range of emotions

33:39

i was in a conscious way and

33:41

when i started to peel

33:44

back to the mass and and be vulnerable

33:47

and certain settings and seasons of life

33:49

i was able to

33:51

release a lot of pain release

33:53

lot of shame release a lot of things

33:56

that were holding me back

33:58

for your like

34:00

i never felt before and it's a

34:03

as a work in progress of the last decade of

34:05

figuring that out and on learning but

34:07

it's have been have beautiful journey

34:09

then i find that vulnerability

34:13

brings me so much deeper connection to

34:15

people on a regular do it at the right time and senior

34:17

sure not just

34:19

like an every moment

34:21

you know

34:22

regurgitating a boner abilities this incredible

34:24

power to vulnerability the

34:27

able to connect with people when you reveal

34:29

yourself and i think

34:32

when you do that you can create incredible

34:34

things together

34:36

the post is coming from a surface level rain

34:39

rain and you don't feel like you lost

34:41

strength

34:42

where power from doing that are not

34:44

doing i'm aware of it are so i can let

34:46

go of relationships that made

34:48

the war in alignment to the vision i had

34:50

now moving forward and

34:52

, build a stronger deeper

34:54

community of people that are willing to go

34:57

to the same place and then when we're talking

34:59

yeah he said an important thing as

35:01

you are talking about that which is you know you can't

35:03

like a doing this all the time

35:05

and i do think it's important to say that

35:07

rate and and there's even data showing that

35:10

him in certain circumstances like

35:12

if you are

35:14

here that they the boss

35:15

there in person here

35:17

under you may not actually want you

35:19

to be telling them every right be going through

35:21

it may make them really uncomfortable and you actually

35:24

might they might start to view you as a little bit less

35:26

capable so that's just one of those

35:28

unfortunate reality is that are over

35:31

importance a kind of they out there i

35:33

like i think we need to get to a place where

35:35

the reality of live side by side

35:37

with being able to

35:40

show up with all are different emotion yeah

35:42

and it's also you know you don't have chronic

35:44

vulnerability were in fact all day long you're

35:47

coming from a sad vulnerable

35:49

, place place some point

35:51

you have to get into a different

35:53

emotion right and have some courage

35:55

and have some joy and express play and

35:57

beauty express wonder and awe and

36:00

when connection and maybe there's

36:02

more building and that maybe there's not but staying

36:04

but staying of chronic

36:06

sadness will keep you from

36:08

a lot of the joys of wife

36:09

yeah i mean we actually found

36:12

so i'm in the book i developed

36:14

this bittersweet quiz that you can

36:16

figure out like how pro new

36:18

her to the states of bitter sweetness

36:20

i'm and i developed the queensland

36:22

the gop eric how many binary that to a

36:24

friend of yours is incredible his great and

36:26

and david gate and a psychologist at johns

36:28

hopkins and so we

36:30

in all the different correlations to figure out

36:33

you tend to be prone to this

36:35

bittersweet him acceptance of joy

36:37

and sorrow what else goes

36:39

along with that

36:41

what we found your point is that

36:43

people who are high in that

36:45

bittersweet as are also high

36:47

in the states

36:48

there are fine wonder and

36:50

spirituality and when you

36:53

have sadness enjoy yeah

36:55

enjoy yeah says baldwin

36:56

you cannot have both because when it's really

36:58

saying is you can access both is that

37:01

you are in an open and receptive

37:03

shoot everything that the

37:06

world frame and your open

37:08

and receptive to yourself and to all your

37:10

different emotional states

37:11

the post you the only

37:13

being and sadness which is probably

37:16

there's probably something about joy that you're afraid

37:18

over something like that for if you're only

37:20

willing to go to a state of cheerfulness it's

37:22

probably because you're afraid of were sadness contagion

37:25

if history or have to

37:27

interviews recently one where i was on someone else

37:29

is shell and then someone who came on here

37:32

and both the individuals said

37:34

that they haven't cried and over

37:36

a decade

37:38

they said a thing energy and up and they both said

37:41

i acknowledge something i want to work on right

37:43

, something i know there's something there

37:47

and

37:48

i want to figure out what it is

37:50

someone

37:52

and there to great people

37:54

inspiring you know he hire people

37:57

in the book very driven my driven

37:59

for

37:59

those business results right where

38:02

, you think that might come from if someone is haven't

38:05

tapped into again core blocks

38:07

the ability to feel the emotion of

38:09

sadness crying tears

38:12

sorrow i mean

38:15

of course it's different

38:16

for everyone but i think for a lot of

38:18

people there is fear

38:21

of like if i go to that place

38:23

i might never be able to come out again room

38:25

yeah i hear that from lot of people

38:28

you know i'll be like or be stuck there

38:30

dad forever

38:31

yeah and of course it doesn't

38:34

have to be that way at all that that i think there

38:36

is a fear

38:37

that many people have

38:39

the plague

38:41

yeah it is not wanting to

38:43

not wanting to look at it

38:44

why eating so scary

38:47

to look at sadness for some people

38:49

i mean panic doesn't feel good

38:51

right interface with nature i

38:53

mean i don't think it feels good either

38:57

so if dairy to look

39:00

at anything with painful or

39:02

it can be scary i mean it's

39:04

different for different people actually find it carrier

39:07

or lifting more difficult

39:08

not talk about

39:10

the things that are so plainly true and

39:12

right in front of us and

39:15

me that would be the hard thing

39:16

yeah to the stuff it or to sweep it under

39:18

the rug yeah yeah not exciting

39:20

as right over there to have any not talk about at

39:22

the elephant is right here

39:23

yeah exactly

39:25

if someone at listen you're watching

39:27

hasn't been able to tap into that emotion

39:29

what are you think of the strategy or something they can do to

39:31

start practicing during their and

39:34

feeling safe to go to those places

39:36

without thinking that be trapped there

39:38

yeah it's a really good question

39:41

oh

39:42

i would start by looking for

39:45

expressions of it that feel not

39:48

been threatening to you know in that might

39:50

be music to my dad song or yeah

39:52

which is actually how i got into this whole topic

39:55

in the first places because i was

39:57

just crazy intense reaction to

39:59

sad music

39:59

feeling

40:01

not actually a sad when i hear

40:03

it but morally completely connected

40:06

to humanity because it feels like the music

40:08

of expressing something

40:10

that all humans express and moon it

40:12

and then turning it into something beautiful for to

40:14

something

40:16

human have the capacity to do in a week

40:18

we take something we look at something painful

40:21

then we wanna turn in the direction of meaning like

40:24

after nine eleven suddenly all

40:26

these people

40:27

the up to be firefighters months after

40:29

the pandemics they're signing up for medical school

40:31

why do we do that we do that because

40:34

we look at something painful and there is

40:36

this human impulse to transform

40:38

it into meaning

40:40

though of the strategy for

40:43

people you're talking about would be to

40:45

find expressions of human

40:47

sorrow that

40:49

if you're meaningful and uplifting

40:52

they're they're everywhere he knew with whether

40:55

it's and and music or art

40:57

or or religion

40:58

i think sports is also another great

41:00

one of so they'll like

41:03

the been really interesting right house since

41:05

thrown by the nineteen seventies or

41:08

eighties suddenly sports coverage

41:10

became not only about studying

41:12

the mechanics of the game and who won and who lost but

41:15

suddenly were telling him

41:16

not stories about on the players us

41:18

in early childhood their parents sir

41:20

yeah yeah the pain they had to overcome

41:23

to get where they are all of

41:25

it

41:26

though

41:27

there are so i think for everybody either different

41:30

portals are gateways that they can kind of

41:32

go through to get this to this state

41:34

of a canoe elevated connection with

41:36

other people through

41:39

happening at all was the

41:41

thing that you think all people want

41:43

the most

41:44

there are from the most afraid of love

41:48

i think that

41:50

everyone really wants the most like they want

41:53

they want a camper an unconditional

41:55

love and why are they afraid

41:57

of love

41:58

because they're afraid that they're

41:59

not and instead

42:01

true love that they long for like

42:05

you described it right like six months

42:07

you've got it got a great six months ryan

42:10

, assessment man man when you

42:12

hit that was us and said and probably

42:14

that while would come with a huge sense

42:16

of like a crushing disappointment idea

42:19

like idea had love and then we don't have gone and hundred

42:21

your back to it yeah he however boy for

42:23

the back to that

42:24

yeah yeah exactly so

42:26

i think that's what people are fundamentally

42:29

longing for

42:30

how can people get to a place

42:33

for we

42:34

loading themselves and feeling

42:37

whole

42:38

so they have that unconditional love

42:40

with themselves all the time and they don't mean to

42:42

seek it and someone else or something

42:44

else spray great

42:45

when of a important things that i think most

42:48

people need to do is

42:51

the internalize their

42:53

parents with the parents

42:55

the can pick your mother or father whoever it was him

42:57

those rappers

42:58

then it with a deep love to you and

43:01

or if you didn't

43:02

have to paris

43:04

here it doesn't have to be even

43:06

someone you know he could be like the virgin mary

43:08

of it any representation of love

43:11

and and to really internalized that

43:14

no

43:15

that essence of part of you and carry

43:17

it with you when you go and be

43:19

able to speak to yourself

43:21

the word of that nurturing

43:24

parent figure

43:25

especially when you need it most and

43:27

ultimately you'll need of us alaska's it'll just become

43:30

and absorbed into you

43:31

so i really

43:33

the be it when can literally the endless beat yourself

43:36

the way apparent with speak

43:38

q a kid who needs encourage

43:40

the here like literally say the words and again

43:42

if if your parents and your speakers

43:46

spoke to you are you wish they'd spoken

43:48

to with specific terms of endearment

43:51

the terms of india

43:53

for yourself in a no one has to hear

43:55

you do it but do it in your mind

43:56

the write it down speech yourself

43:58

that way

43:59

the

43:59

the comparative you

44:02

how long does pay for someone to get whole

44:05

it depends where they're starting from you

44:07

know

44:07

and for our i'm in journey to some

44:09

degree out forever is

44:12

, process is this summer so i feel

44:14

like i'm a half a person person

44:16

are for like from a fracture of who

44:18

i should i what

44:20

would say is the process for the method they could take

44:22

to start rebuilding reshaping

44:25

their identity or worse to an

44:27

issue of worse to person and i can

44:29

feel wide range of emotions and that's okay

44:31

yeah i'd say little by little by

44:33

little it's just the way we were saying with the public speaking

44:35

fall to just take it like one

44:38

step every single day and

44:40

whatever it is and if it's hard to speak

44:42

in generalities because everyone's lack

44:44

of wholeness looks very different but

44:46

you know like if you're thing is here

44:49

you know take one little step in the direction

44:51

like overcoming

44:53

that fear now you know or if you're thing

44:55

is not being able to

44:57

open up to people at say because

44:59

you're afraid

45:00

what might happen if you really open up

45:02

one millsap everyday

45:04

and a little bit more openness i

45:06

gotta say when i when i started opening up now

45:09

sexual trauma the child or number

45:12

i , in a workshop first to group

45:14

of people what i didn't really know brain brain

45:17

was the scariest thing i've ever done but

45:20

i was also like also i may

45:22

never see is never again sale

45:24

hotels women it took

45:27

a lot of courage to do and it was after

45:29

two weekends and with these this group of people

45:33

but average remember saying oh shoot

45:36

okay

45:37

our house to my family or my

45:39

best friends

45:41

the now

45:43

they made it is elements are they

45:45

may not may may judge me or who knows and

45:47

that's a scary thing to open up and say

45:49

i feel remember , to

45:51

a therapist kind of the time i said

45:53

what i do and the situations and said

45:56

door the person you feel like will receive

45:58

this the most first

46:00

the most open

46:03

also this the person who's going to be resistant

46:05

to hearing at first the person is almost

46:07

open a bill baby steps to sites were talking about

46:10

and asked

46:12

the family member asking this question first

46:15

he of it appropriate to tell

46:17

them is there anything that i

46:19

could ever do or say that would make me

46:21

not love

46:22

the never make you not love me presented

46:25

the i could ever do or say or make you not love

46:27

me and asking

46:29

us first and see how to respond

46:31

and so

46:33

i started asking my fellow was when

46:35

my one discussions of has us amount of

46:37

share but as or anything

46:39

i'm kind of nervous i'm nervous share with you

46:42

i feel really raw right now and

46:44

, want to know is there anything that i could ever do or say

46:46

my life that would make you know lovely lovely

46:49

one of them are like ashley numbers nothing's

46:51

right so they gave me permission one

46:53

by one to build that courage to

46:56

feel like i'm suing that will

46:58

ship with myself in with them are revealing

47:01

so them think that so i and

47:03

work for me i think that's a good approach

47:05

yeah and then you got to the point where are you

47:07

shared it with the public and you couldn't

47:09

say the the public

47:10

there anything in they is a particularly

47:12

the only do not

47:13

me but it must be that as that by that

47:15

point

47:16

you he loved yourself and i said he

47:18

didn't need how i found myself enough and i

47:20

knew that i had my friends and family bear

47:22

yeah he didn't even have the world hated me right

47:25

around thought i was a loser something

47:27

else like okay release of got my friends or family

47:30

he and i was like i need to do his arms

47:32

, if you have one person yeah she'll

47:35

it'll be worth it it lose everything

47:37

in my business it would be worth it and

47:40

i also thought myself i have a responsibility because

47:42

this are the more sort of the study

47:44

the the more realize

47:46

that men everywhere were suffering one

47:48

in six men and been men abused as

47:51

this to cystic in america one in six months

47:53

once one of for once one which

47:56

is obviously more the women in

47:58

general have a place to share

47:59

and have a place to

48:01

how support talking about it whereas

48:04

i don't know any man who had talked about it and

48:06

so men were just suffering gray and and using

48:08

hangar as there a way to share express

48:11

themselves are thinking of mental

48:13

have mental place to share this pain

48:15

without anger or through

48:18

anger and anger healthy way than men

48:20

could heal and relationships can heal and

48:22

the worms well me and that houselights

48:25

if houselights don't i don't and i know i have the

48:27

ability to parents will help someone

48:29

then you're not doing as become upstairs ray

48:32

ray and then it was like this nagging

48:34

thing for six months as i can gotta do this

48:38

and so after six months you kind

48:40

of like autistics models that are here the

48:42

cliffs are you were i remember a record of the session

48:44

i i called jonathan fields uh-huh uh-huh

48:46

said jonathan and i called gwen and doyle i

48:49

asked her for some vices while on this michael

48:51

jordan i said listen said damn thing about doing

48:53

this and would you interview

48:56

me will be guide me

48:58

talking about it on my shelf that

49:01

i can get it out because he's very special grounded

49:03

him being as like and you just create a safe

49:05

space for me to talk about it and ask me questions

49:08

and guide me

49:10

the runway on how to do some ourselves

49:12

i have a ham help me and then i hope

49:15

we saw the glennon and then i waited another three

49:17

months after recorded and closest shall

49:20

i put this out to see him housing is somewhat

49:22

doyle how me like right article in the

49:24

whole thing the put it out there

49:27

because i didn't want to go out on away that

49:29

was anything but

49:31

service ray ray

49:33

or like i don't want people think it was some ulterior

49:35

motive our society here's what i'm doing

49:37

our know how man and

49:40

create create but i like your approach

49:42

your method of like baby steps

49:44

until you feel more horn and love

49:47

yourself more feel comfortable for

49:50

you take the bear stuff

49:50

yeah yeah a little by little by little

49:53

like that that really how he changed with

49:55

everything right

49:56

yeah and to know and mean that

49:59

there the psychologist at stamford name

50:01

is laura carson's him and his own and

50:04

she's done all this research so

50:05

that when people are more

50:07

in touch with life

50:09

nobody like they've accepted it these

50:13

other things come with at states and they become

50:15

a bus angry if they have more gratitude

50:18

they start focusing on meaningful

50:20

relationships and activities and meaning

50:23

and them and she first saw this

50:25

in older people

50:28

because when you get to be in her seventies or eighties

50:30

you know that later try to we you know you only this

50:32

year's after that point i'm for then

50:34

she started noticing that she was signing this

50:37

also with younger people who had had life

50:39

circumstances that had made them

50:41

have to face fragility

50:43

though i think like just knowing that

50:48

there's there's so much research

50:50

out there is like all or with some traditions they

50:52

all tell us said going

50:54

down this path takes you to

50:56

a place

50:57

more meaning and more acceptance and i can

50:59

have to have to trust that if there's a

51:01

i think the country of bhutan on

51:04

have you heard of this but they they

51:06

, about their death five times a day they

51:09

reflect on it yeah were moments five

51:11

times throughout the day i'm sure there's different

51:13

andres a religious and do this yes yes

51:16

earliest really powerful of you create different

51:18

moments in your day

51:20

having com as a tattoo that says like

51:23

in our you're going to die and

51:25

inside just looking down at your rest

51:27

are looking at looking have i have an alarm come

51:29

up five times a day like this will all

51:31

end

51:32

yeah

51:34

allows you to focus on perspective

51:36

allows you to feel deeper allows you to have

51:38

urgency in your life lousy to say to things

51:40

in into say and hold back all these different things

51:42

yeah i actually started doing

51:45

that would i like the others i was writing about that practice

51:47

while i was working on on bittersweet only

51:50

thought okay you know and i read about all these

51:52

people doing it like the stoics would do it they are

51:54

, these graham generals and

51:57

inch increase they would win about

51:58

oh and he would be like

51:59

starting to curiously

52:01

the amphitheater and they would have a guy's

52:03

going along with them at the back of their horse

52:05

saying you're gonna die

52:08

and is so that they would never lose sight of that

52:10

says like okay you know what would this mean if

52:12

mean if this

52:17

many many just differences in how

52:19

it

52:20

that my time

52:21

like i note in at the time i was doing at

52:24

my

52:24

them for pretty little and we had to spend time ritual

52:27

i was not a really busy at that

52:29

time

52:29

though

52:31

tripoli even though i loved the bedtime ritual

52:33

it wouldn't really hard for me not be checking

52:36

my phone that would be like in may when

52:38

my son's with like look away for a minute to be like

52:40

okay to take an email

52:41

and then i started doing this practice

52:45

the completely change the like i would literally

52:48

say to myself you may not

52:50

be here tomorrow he may not be here tomorrow

52:52

with no idea and i didn't seal freaked

52:54

out or anything didn't make me anxious

52:56

it was more just like

52:58

the remainder of the liver

53:00

then i just started leaving the phone in

53:02

another room and

53:03

the weather like it's an act of will power he

53:05

was like my perspective to todo sisters

53:08

yeah be marcus is a story about marcus

53:10

aurelius that that he

53:13

, bring someone with him to walk through

53:15

like the town for them on was praising him him

53:18

you they brought someone with whom went to say that

53:20

you're just a man like whispering in his ear constantly

53:23

reminding like not to get to high

53:25

yes on yourself and think you're like this

53:27

godlike because you can die just like everyone

53:29

here everyone it's

53:31

insane rent free time and are starting to are of the

53:34

team ah and i was saying

53:36

you know

53:37

how many years ago i looked up a stat or just like i'm

53:39

curious how many people die every day in the world but

53:42

, hundred fifty thousand people die every day on

53:44

our hundred fifty one hundred eighty thousand on

53:46

average in the world that they calculate my

53:49

be little more than what know last bus like

53:51

hundred fifty thousand people died today

53:54

and we're not one of them

53:55

not a blessing universal vs

53:57

the ultimate gift were still here today huh

53:59

it other people the

54:02

superbowl stadiums in and said

54:04

you didn't wake up and

54:06

we did and so there's perspective there

54:08

and it's finding those moments whether it's five

54:11

times a day reminding yourself are gonna die or

54:13

just everyday , up

54:15

and realizing and not one of the hundred fifty thousand

54:17

people have been a wake up up

54:19

to create a prospective i think we'll also

54:22

see more sweetness and are licenses

54:25

you know when there is because like

54:27

you said there's going to be he surrenders

54:29

before the pandemics stairs the doesn't

54:31

want to be pain why sadness

54:34

heartache suffering no

54:37

matter what in life is going

54:39

to be challenge the seasons

54:41

of beautiful joy and everything's working

54:43

out and know scenes were banned everything

54:45

could sue and same thomas and learned

54:49

it's a when those moments happen which

54:51

they will for all of us it

54:53

, to me like we

54:55

don't want to suppress our emotions we

54:57

want to have we ,

55:00

don't want to go down on a dark hole

55:02

of sadness for forever

55:05

but we want to be able to experience the full

55:07

range of emotions in a healthy

55:09

way is what i'm hearing side

55:11

yeah and and you know the flipside

55:13

of where he just said it is it's also the case

55:15

that

55:16

when we're going through times that

55:19

do you feel like they're like

55:20

hilton towards the dark there's

55:23

also always joy their the necessarily

55:25

if you're really in touch with doing it all times

55:28

and yeah we're talking before about have a

55:30

dedicated the book to leonard cohen and the

55:32

epigraph

55:33

in the line from his song anthem

55:35

that there's a a crack and everything

55:38

that's where the late gets him so

55:41

feeble remember that also he

55:43

won't even at the darkest times

55:44

there's always that light coming through

55:46

and it's always available to us here

55:49

so or because you know what seeds japanese

55:52

art

55:53

one saudi arabia only

55:55

have one life when something breaks and they put it back

55:57

together with gold oh that's consume consuming

55:59

yeah i don't know i'm pronouncing it

56:01

yeah but yeah bigger concern here

56:03

something our it's like okay his family a broke

56:06

the law sadness as actually making

56:08

more beautiful the cracks

56:10

by filling in the cracks exactly

56:12

exactly gold or whatever they do

56:14

this is paved was actually

56:16

our tests against us more beautiful character

56:18

now is not perfect great

56:21

an irish fragility to fragility

56:22

i met what i would say to people who are

56:25

like afraid that if they go in that direction

56:27

they'll never be able to come out again that's

56:29

not actually we were all these wisdom

56:31

should traditions peace with his

56:33

the alpha thing you know that

56:35

there's always a way to turn

56:37

the direction of beauty yes when

56:40

, went to have a study

56:42

meditation to different places but

56:44

when i went to india to study for india few weeks the

56:48

talk about sports , went

56:50

to talk about this to state of being

56:53

being suffering state is new for an energetic

56:55

state of suffering more a beautiful state

56:58

has state of beauty is could be gratitude

57:01

joy love peace in

57:04

all these different things were suffering

57:06

to be you know sadness anger

57:09

resentment fear and anxiety

57:12

not restate and

57:14

, taught that the best way to get out

57:16

of suffering and into a beautiful state state

57:19

to stop thinking of cells in terms

57:21

of like a wise is happening to me

57:23

and actually putting intention on service

57:26

giving

57:27

the not on

57:30

why am i not getting something that i once

57:32

since , creating that in

57:34

the world and giving and removing

57:37

from suffering into a beautiful state by your

57:39

action of giving a service something

57:42

, that when we are

57:44

i've been curled up in a bowl many times and my

57:47

and my bed and my my early twenties of

57:49

my teams because i didn't on a marriage emotions

57:52

and i was always focused on me why is

57:54

this happening to me

57:56

why did i not get what i wanted

57:58

why did this person hurt me why did you

58:00

know why this to me

58:03

and i would just sit there and been sad and

58:05

i'll go down and our whole for many days tops

58:08

and it wasn't until i said okay the success unfortunate

58:11

but how can i use this for good

58:14

that's when i was able to get out of

58:15

yeah i mean that's what your whole life has been

58:17

and i bet you every single person who

58:19

use

58:20

admirers and via used as role models

58:22

for yourself and for others along the

58:24

i bet you every

58:25

one of them that the narrative

58:28

the under a

58:28

the narrative is that they took them kind

58:31

of pain and turned it into

58:32

something else has a little and that's like the

58:34

a viral that's the ultimate goal of like i

58:36

say whatever pain you can't get rid

58:38

of meat that your creative offering

58:41

know that i'm an example

58:43

oh gosh there's so many

58:45

okay so like there's one story i tell

58:47

him the book about my angelo so

58:50

he

58:52

he hear such a harrowing they'll head

58:54

you know like her her

58:56

brother were effectively abandoned by their parents

58:58

who sent them off to live with relatives

59:02

, she faced terrible racism

59:04

and she was was when she was

59:06

eight years old and terrible stuff

59:08

and put it was so bad that she she literally

59:11

talking for five years she

59:13

did not speak to anybody else

59:15

besides her brother five years

59:18

not a word

59:19

and then she and

59:22

then when she's like thirteen years old and she writes

59:24

about this in her memoir i know why

59:26

the caged bird sings i'm when

59:28

shit about thirteen this woman's hicks her under

59:31

her wing and starts reading

59:33

to her

59:34

from a tale of two cities and

59:38

and angela

59:40

the calls have a word sounded like music

59:42

the in the way that this woman

59:43

send them and and there's also this amazing

59:46

detail with she describes about the women

59:48

she says shoot a very lovely

59:51

elegantly it turned out person very

59:53

gracious she said she often smiled

59:55

but she never last

59:57

a kind of like this illusion

59:59

the fact that no one her

1:00:01

had been through whatever he was

1:00:04

and and the women succeeds and opening

1:00:06

up for young my ass and so she

1:00:09

then starts putting forth putting forth

1:00:11

you know memoirs and plays

1:00:13

and poetry and everything that she did

1:00:16

them there's an amazing

1:00:19

twist to the story which is that thirty years later

1:00:21

there is this other little girl who grew

1:00:23

up

1:00:24

in a situation that was almost like uncannily

1:00:26

like the young liars

1:00:28

and she read my as memoir angeles

1:00:31

memoir of and she says oh my

1:00:33

gosh that's near and and she can't believe

1:00:35

that there's another person out there they

1:00:37

had her story and transformed

1:00:39

it into something else

1:00:41

that little girl

1:00:43

who was reading that memoir

1:00:45

the oprah

1:00:46

wow i know yeah

1:00:49

the websites like one example

1:00:52

but

1:00:52

i think there's almost no heroic

1:00:55

figure that

1:00:56

the admire aware

1:00:57

scratch the surface of the really you

1:00:59

wouldn't find some version of

1:01:02

that same story but that's really the

1:01:04

we hear about the hero's journey who asked whether

1:01:06

you're as journey really is

1:01:08

wow yeah someone once said

1:01:10

that in business you're perfectly

1:01:12

suited serve

1:01:14

the struggling person you once were

1:01:16

and overtime oh how asked

1:01:19

me if you aren't going to really what

1:01:21

do i need to do a business where where we struggling five

1:01:23

to ten years ago that he overcame phrase

1:01:26

help someone overcome that struggle you're

1:01:28

you're an expert in nothing yeah even

1:01:31

if you can i help a few people so i give started

1:01:33

doing this thing the you struggled

1:01:35

with the mouse and overcame yeah so i

1:01:37

see people know fitness industry is like i lost

1:01:39

one hundred pounds let me show you how i

1:01:42

mean i suffer for twenty years with this and

1:01:45

let me show you how to do this for other people

1:01:47

that were suffering like a

1:01:49

god or anything that isn't

1:01:50

for example because of you know when i say like

1:01:53

whenever pain you can't get rid of

1:01:55

make that your creative offering i'm using

1:01:58

that were treated wix really broadly you know

1:01:59

in anything it's just one was like i like

1:02:02

, in painting you to do whatever my

1:02:04

be rape it doesn't have to be that it had

1:02:06

been of being a fitness instructor or

1:02:08

whatever and as for you you

1:02:10

i think that's where this because as lot of people that

1:02:12

you know struggle with being overweight

1:02:14

or obese or something and then

1:02:17

they finally overcome the

1:02:19

challenge and get in savings of healthy

1:02:22

and get back the life maybe

1:02:24

they want to indoor get their self confidence

1:02:26

back and so i'm person's

1:02:28

perfectly suited to serve other people

1:02:31

that were in a situation once ran

1:02:33

yes and three and teacher yeah

1:02:35

and to give back and how are they want to create

1:02:38

that information you know

1:02:40

our , when it did it through a memoir books

1:02:42

and he could do this or a course or you

1:02:44

know whenever my be be teaching

1:02:46

wanna wanna classes or anything like that

1:02:48

like i think that's what i'm

1:02:51

where people can do what i love what story in

1:02:54

a no one relates to the person that is not

1:02:56

have had some painter life

1:02:59

hard to relate to of someone's pervert marcus

1:03:01

we know it's not true right

1:03:03

there's no way that is true and

1:03:05

so then you're not relating to a real person

1:03:07

that's what it really is it's not only that there except

1:03:10

for and therefore like on a whole other plane from s

1:03:12

it's also that the sense

1:03:14

that there's something not authentic out

1:03:16

althea yes a what's the difference

1:03:19

between perfect love and unconditional

1:03:21

love ah

1:03:25

well

1:03:27

i don't know the answer to that exactly i

1:03:29

think so

1:03:30

we

1:03:34

i think that per second call a perfect love

1:03:36

colored unconditional love i think it's something

1:03:38

that down imperfect

1:03:41

the kind of like we

1:03:43

can get closer and closer and closer to that

1:03:45

state that we yearn for

1:03:47

i don't think we get their fully in

1:03:50

a lifetime

1:03:51

and then accepting that is actually part

1:03:53

of what helps us to have green

1:03:57

and enriching love relationship

1:04:01

yeah anyway

1:04:03

they talk about this a lot in

1:04:05

the book the like the longing for

1:04:08

the state in which

1:04:09

the longing for that state of perfect union

1:04:13

during and curfew the all of it

1:04:16

they're born to exist in that state

1:04:18

of longing and we know from

1:04:20

other wisdom traditional fits in time

1:04:22

and so that longing brings us ever

1:04:24

closer to the thing that we're longing for

1:04:27

even if we don't ever fully fully returning

1:04:29

and i think so morally

1:04:31

shop that

1:04:33

the healthier are love relationships

1:04:36

can see because otherwise it can be

1:04:38

like what you were describing

1:04:40

where you're like you know i just

1:04:43

the first six months with someone

1:04:45

then we were in the garden of eden

1:04:48

somehow we got kicked out of nowhere in hell

1:04:50

yeah exactly

1:04:53

he does yeah exactly how did you raise the apple

1:04:55

the apple have one

1:04:58

yeah exactly and and he meant

1:05:01

to see that you were with the wrong person

1:05:02

exactly and it can also

1:05:05

be that

1:05:07

it's not really our state in this

1:05:09

the new existing eat and forever

1:05:12

and if we expect that

1:05:15

then i can prevent us from am having

1:05:18

from work from building the healthy relationships that

1:05:20

were seeking to that's partly why when we

1:05:22

hear

1:05:24

song that is so profits

1:05:26

or we see a piece of art that

1:05:28

just looks , perfect

1:05:31

are we see a perfect

1:05:33

catch on catch football game you like that's

1:05:35

when we feel are exactly we see

1:05:37

like we see saw eaten a disciplined

1:05:40

for a moment altair faction yeah exactly

1:05:42

exactly

1:05:43

are you have this night with your partner

1:05:45

were suffice everything is beautiful

1:05:47

and synchronicity is and the connection

1:05:50

instances like this perfect now you're like this

1:05:52

all right it's the is just

1:05:54

a bittersweet and bittersweet and next day wake up and you're

1:05:56

like he smells bad breath or something

1:05:59

right eye on the writers

1:06:01

bittersweet experience

1:06:03

researching and yearning for the the

1:06:05

perfect the unconditional but knowing this

1:06:07

only moments summer

1:06:09

yeah exactly and to know that they're

1:06:11

only moments of it is actually like if incredibly

1:06:13

empowering like it makes you level those moments

1:06:15

when you have them and you know and not

1:06:18

like despair when you don't have them because

1:06:20

thats

1:06:20

the nature of existence the dust it

1:06:23

would you say that you unconditional love

1:06:25

yourself

1:06:27

good question

1:06:29

it depends on where you

1:06:31

mean by it because

1:06:35

the heroic there's a sense in which

1:06:37

a you but if

1:06:39

you have

1:06:39

here there and like my and my

1:06:42

inner dialogue sometimes

1:06:44

you know i have the same

1:06:45

the that i think many people do have like

1:06:48

our

1:06:49

what you said yourself

1:06:51

now you know like i

1:06:54

just said a stupid thing or a didn't say the

1:06:56

right thing or a i said have done this

1:06:58

or should have done that

1:07:00

the hurt me to tell where

1:07:02

that

1:07:03

we're in a voices coming from it doesn't

1:07:05

really feel like it's me talking

1:07:08

to me it more seal

1:07:09

like

1:07:11

that's like my perception

1:07:12

wet some outer force

1:07:14

would pay and then i'm grappling with it

1:07:17

why they like underneath

1:07:18

that i kind of feel like i'm on my own side and

1:07:20

yet the voices are coming from somewhere for

1:07:23

that makes sense yeah

1:07:25

hey there how how do you think oh it's

1:07:28

what would it take for us as humans

1:07:30

to start judging ourselves but

1:07:33

also have humility

1:07:35

and

1:07:36

constructive feedback and a healthy way

1:07:38

for ourselves to improving grow

1:07:41

and expand and

1:07:43

, we have it all figured out the way how

1:07:45

do we how do we get their place for were not internally

1:07:48

judging shaming making

1:07:50

wrong doubting yeah

1:07:53

but also looking to improve

1:07:56

looking to grow

1:07:57

in a healthy way re re more

1:08:00

unconditional love yes the

1:08:02

so i don't think that and there's anything about

1:08:05

increasing our self lausd that

1:08:07

ring with it

1:08:09

there again or you know if

1:08:11

interest in growth or anything like that

1:08:13

i think the fact that we tend to see those things

1:08:15

have been connected is a huge are you having

1:08:17

a great it's actually the opposite i think the more you

1:08:19

have to self love them or

1:08:21

you would be quite humble and quite interested

1:08:24

in growing

1:08:27

there there that a technique in a practice

1:08:29

that i think is really useful

1:08:31

and matter who don't us at

1:08:33

loving kindness meditation hooker and

1:08:36

i actually write about this a study that

1:08:38

with sharon salzberg is one of our

1:08:40

great the patient features i

1:08:42

have basically this practice where

1:08:44

the new

1:08:46

wish yourself

1:08:48

and all the people in your life

1:08:51

including

1:08:52

the easiest relationship and

1:08:55

fair share of any with everyone with everyone and

1:08:57

you wish you know that

1:08:58

the gas pump you wish everybody here passing stick

1:09:01

to step by step by step your

1:09:02

wishing everybody loves you wishing them

1:09:04

well being in wishing new peace and freedom

1:09:06

from suffering

1:09:07

all of it and it it's really transformative

1:09:09

when you do it it's like it

1:09:11

feels a little bit formulaic at the time but

1:09:13

i've notice whenever notice do it then it

1:09:15

like

1:09:16

in the world them to much more

1:09:18

likely to be means

1:09:19

in the state of mind know what is

1:09:21

and

1:09:22

prayer meditation or monster as the the

1:09:24

it's a meditation attacks yeah i'm actually

1:09:27

putting our version of it up on my website for people

1:09:29

hurry curious like i have my own my own version

1:09:31

of it that as you know her own version that

1:09:33

have any nectar that there's a traditional

1:09:36

the version has ago and here

1:09:38

we'll give you their families to my own staff

1:09:41

bet and i'll tell you the traditional

1:09:43

and

1:09:44

okay since the interesting thing is

1:09:47

so sharon salzberg who taught this to me

1:09:49

see first study this

1:09:52

and burma and that phrases

1:09:54

that she was given to repeat were

1:09:57

may i be free from danger

1:09:59

there

1:09:59

the free for mental suffering

1:10:02

may be free from physical suffering

1:10:05

there have ease of well being but

1:10:07

with interesting is

1:10:09

he started teaching this in the states and

1:10:11

when people are coming after and saying i

1:10:13

don't really like using

1:10:14

negative words like danger and suffering and

1:10:16

all than so for americans

1:10:18

she has a hundred and around or yeah i'm she

1:10:20

made it like may i be face me i'd be happy

1:10:23

may be healthy may live with ease

1:10:25

medical whenever you

1:10:28

started out asking about selfless

1:10:31

and what's interesting is like traditionally

1:10:33

with his practice he would start

1:10:34

by wishing all these good things yourself

1:10:37

before you move on there's been a lot

1:10:39

of americans have trouble with that they

1:10:41

feel uncomfortable missing

1:10:43

new things to themselves first why over

1:10:46

there's something and us that makes us feel like

1:10:48

it's selfish and wrong to

1:10:50

be doing that to be i think

1:10:52

it's because of the way that we confuse

1:10:55

self love with arrogance

1:10:58

even though

1:10:59

the altitude of with trio what is the difference

1:11:01

for in self love america

1:11:03

also plan is just wishing yourself

1:11:06

well arrogance of thinking that you're better

1:11:08

than other people am that you don't

1:11:10

have to care so much about other people you know it's

1:11:12

holding them with a degree of contempt

1:11:15

where is this is much more of a practices

1:11:18

exceptions of yourself and everyone around

1:11:21

you are , yeah i think growing

1:11:23

up a a i grew

1:11:25

up in the eighties especially in the midwest

1:11:27

and the sports culture let's say it was all about

1:11:29

all and your praise for when

1:11:31

you one yeah i was in praise

1:11:34

for getting a third place trophy or tenth place

1:11:36

trophy i guess like kids are now

1:11:38

it's like everyone celebrated for whatever celebrated

1:11:40

which a gift of celebrating the

1:11:42

participation but it was more

1:11:44

about i wish it was more about the

1:11:46

effort that people were celebrating

1:11:49

but back then it was like you either win or

1:11:51

your loser of your second i'm thinking

1:11:53

doesn't matter how greater performance was you

1:11:55

lost yeah yeah so everything was focused

1:11:58

on doing whatever it took [unk]

1:11:59

when and so

1:12:02

my sophomore year in college i

1:12:05

brought a world record for the most receiving

1:12:07

yards and a single game so no one in the history

1:12:10

of the world has ever done something that

1:12:12

i did

1:12:13

four hundred eighteen receiving yards in one

1:12:15

game

1:12:16

there was more than any and any college football

1:12:18

game professional game high school

1:12:22

and we lost the game ah

1:12:24

we lost by like a few points at the end and

1:12:26

i was the last one out of a lot world

1:12:29

the new myself have focused

1:12:31

, what i could have done better or

1:12:33

even know that actually broke the record until

1:12:35

after i got the shower never my coach coming

1:12:38

here knows the last when they get on the shower and

1:12:40

he told me this and you can

1:12:42

like congratulated me but we also does last

1:12:45

so it's hard to celebrate and my to so confused

1:12:47

cause like me or my effort was so good

1:12:50

it wasn't good enough to win but

1:12:52

i wasn't even willing to celebrate the upward

1:12:55

at that time so so focused on like

1:12:57

you either win or you're a loser then

1:12:59

you're not worthy love

1:13:02

yeah right you know what for my feelings

1:13:04

were around as i think it's hard

1:13:06

to unwind

1:13:08

i know and i totally get it and in both

1:13:10

of my son play sports and i've seen

1:13:12

that exact same thing like they'll come off the soccer

1:13:14

field and likely goals and you lose

1:13:16

be like the i'll be like

1:13:18

the war in i know a lot but like those goals are

1:13:20

really great to see you know and they'll be like who cares

1:13:22

we'll often

1:13:22

at

1:13:23

don't think how i think that there's a

1:13:25

way i don't think it's wrong

1:13:27

to

1:13:29

what to win or to have linked by forswears

1:13:32

there's a winner in a leisurely

1:13:33

a completely inconsistent with

1:13:36

being able to say that the goal is

1:13:38

unconditional self love

1:13:40

even while you might be pounds that us

1:13:42

the game i guess but i think we think than those

1:13:45

two things are inconsistent because we

1:13:47

think know if you lost the game that means

1:13:49

you're a loser

1:13:50

as opposed to you're

1:13:53

a human who sometimes wins and sometimes leases

1:13:55

how we reshape that thought process

1:13:58

if we

1:13:59

don't get job we wanted if we

1:14:01

don't get the relationship we wanted

1:14:03

or the person says no to us and rejects us

1:14:06

we , fired or whatever we don't

1:14:08

get the deal we want we lose

1:14:11

the game how do we keep our identity

1:14:14

whole

1:14:16

loving and for

1:14:18

and not tied to losing

1:14:20

or failing at the external things

1:14:23

that just something happens

1:14:25

and maybe and then put in enough effort have

1:14:27

happened anyway maybe they were put in enough effort

1:14:30

and you're in a put in more next time but

1:14:32

i think the real nine shift is that

1:14:35

we

1:14:36

fear as that

1:14:38

when we're winning when things are going well

1:14:41

that a main road and

1:14:43

when we live

1:14:45

that's like a detour

1:14:46

the main road and now i feel like oh my gosh we're

1:14:48

stuck in in theater in the hinterlands over

1:14:50

here as if you're going to thinking

1:14:53

it's all the main road

1:14:55

it all the main road this is just part of what have

1:14:57

in life and

1:14:59

the next time putting all the effort and

1:15:01

all that stuff but not see it

1:15:03

as

1:15:03

fundamentally unnatural state

1:15:06

that past us out into the realm of

1:15:08

losers nothing amiss

1:15:10

the youth of the term loser has risen

1:15:12

astronomically in recent decades

1:15:15

and that's what we've gotta

1:15:16

i figure out how to get away from

1:15:19

you can live without

1:15:20

the way there that really what i'm saying and

1:15:22

what is a superpower

1:15:25

that an introvert has the national

1:15:27

done

1:15:28

there

1:15:30

power and being able to spend time

1:15:33

in solitude and in like we know his creativity

1:15:35

for example you can't really do

1:15:38

agree creative work without quite a bit

1:15:40

of time spent alone i'm like

1:15:42

in our culture we only focus only the part of creativity

1:15:44

this about exchanging ideas

1:15:46

are going on stage and sharing your ideas

1:15:48

and that's all this am but you

1:15:50

also need

1:15:51

i'm alone which for introverts

1:15:53

comes much more easily words and

1:15:57

then like when it comes to leadership there's

1:15:59

away

1:16:00

which introverts lead where

1:16:03

they're much more apt to be

1:16:06

can question to the people around them and soliciting

1:16:08

had years and then like taking the best of those

1:16:10

ideas and running with them were three an extrovert

1:16:13

we're can more easily as

1:16:16

slick inspiring and rousing the troops and

1:16:18

all that

1:16:19

they can be so dominant or irrepressible

1:16:23

that they're only getting their own ideas

1:16:25

and they're not

1:16:26

getting in as many impacts from others

1:16:28

yeah yeah and

1:16:31

what is the superpower to feeling

1:16:33

sadness over enjoy

1:16:34

well i would call it a superpower and feeling santa

1:16:37

enjoy both just one

1:16:39

is not a sir bob rae yeah that's

1:16:41

what if it's more that in our culture

1:16:43

we know joy is a superpower think new and well

1:16:45

it will doubt that when we need is to

1:16:48

resurrect the power

1:16:49

that and and the power of if is

1:16:51

our

1:16:52

as we said

1:16:53

when of the most powerful ways

1:16:55

that we have to of connecting with each other

1:16:58

the people are really share really open up

1:17:00

humans are evolutionarily designed to

1:17:02

do this like if i see you are

1:17:04

when

1:17:06

struggling we

1:17:08

, have a vegas nervous and biggest bundle

1:17:10

of nerves and our bodies

1:17:11

and it activates when we see somebody

1:17:13

else

1:17:14

have written we want to help them we want to help reached

1:17:16

our when when i can maximum

1:17:18

and yeah this is part

1:17:20

of who we are evolutionarily because

1:17:22

we were designed to be able to care for vulnerable

1:17:24

him since and then we we've

1:17:26

came up with a capacity to to do

1:17:28

that in general so the

1:17:31

power to connect

1:17:32

the power to be creative creativity

1:17:36

after for most people it's like

1:17:38

trying to turn pain into something

1:17:41

the earth trying to get closer to

1:17:43

that , world you know that you were talking

1:17:45

about like when he sees the perfect jump shot

1:17:47

or whatever it is here

1:17:49

trying to get closer same build something new

1:17:53

and it connected to transcend live and

1:17:56

the wonder and awe parliament holiday

1:17:59

introvert

1:17:59

i don't need the people please and

1:18:02

get back to place of sang training boundaries

1:18:04

and saying no the that they can

1:18:06

actually stage charged throughout the day as opposed

1:18:09

to lose their charge

1:18:11

though i'll tell you like their

1:18:13

minds just

1:18:14

then i'll tell you like the concrete practice

1:18:16

the main shift is you have to feel

1:18:19

entitled to be who you are i

1:18:22

cannot tell you how many letters i get from people

1:18:25

who are like it's really amazing they're

1:18:27

like you know they started feeling

1:18:29

like

1:18:31

however

1:18:32

took aim at powerful and who i was

1:18:34

the more successful became and what we're

1:18:36

facing world you know like got a job interview

1:18:39

or something because you're you're starting to show

1:18:41

up as yourself instead of

1:18:43

showing up trying to be somebody else

1:18:45

and it him to the concrete have very

1:18:48

introverts

1:18:50

desperately need to be scheduling in

1:18:52

recharge a time where they get to be

1:18:54

alone for some people taking

1:18:56

a nap for somebody else it's taking a walk

1:18:58

like it it you should

1:19:00

be putting that into your calendar as many

1:19:03

times a day as he needed

1:19:04

honoring that commitment

1:19:06

just to fiercely as you way

1:19:09

a commitment few clients her

1:19:11

colleagues or never if you have

1:19:13

trouble doing that because you feel guilty

1:19:15

about it just remind yourself that

1:19:18

you're going to be so much more present

1:19:20

for everyone else

1:19:22

if you taking that time for yourself

1:19:24

how to social media plan with introverts

1:19:27

to if you're experiencing all these

1:19:30

micro it doses of interactions with

1:19:32

people but you're not physically around

1:19:34

them that drain you just

1:19:36

as much if you're on

1:19:38

your screen interacting conversations

1:19:41

all day where to the not if

1:19:43

is and goes both ways it's

1:19:44

feel the same and the one hand

1:19:47

so right because it's like this it's still

1:19:49

the one fourth of inputs as opposed to

1:19:51

you know exactly and that you may feel at a party

1:19:53

in the other hand you know as he said

1:19:56

social media is just like really

1:19:58

felt presentation media

1:20:00

and i think that's a

1:20:02

streaming to the soul for every that a slurry

1:20:06

the man's that

1:20:07

yeah

1:20:08

what does when he didn't know about

1:20:11

their sweet that we can

1:20:13

take with us today

1:20:15

in

1:20:17

i would say i've been

1:20:19

all these years studying all these what

1:20:22

all the traditions have to say about this and

1:20:25

the one thing that they all have in common is

1:20:27

the idea that

1:20:30

when we're faced with a pain

1:20:32

country roads you know and

1:20:35

one road is to leave the pain and

1:20:37

it has into in one way or another

1:20:39

then you end up taking it out on yourself

1:20:41

and it shows up as depression or it

1:20:43

shows up as severe anxiety

1:20:46

or am or

1:20:47

the taking it out and country off and

1:20:49

it shows up as abuse or of passive

1:20:51

aggression or aggression dictionary and it will have whatever

1:20:53

it is and then and then road is to take

1:20:56

a pain and we

1:20:58

had to try to turn it into something else you

1:21:00

know not not to minimize what

1:21:02

it is

1:21:04

it

1:21:05

the turn in the direction and meaning that's

1:21:08

what we're foreign to do

1:21:10

i love this i'm excited about this i want people

1:21:12

to get a copy bitter sweet how sorrow

1:21:14

and longing make us whole

1:21:17

i , in a world where a lot of us

1:21:19

feel emptying this is exactly

1:21:21

what we just or diving into to feel

1:21:24

more whole whole to create a

1:21:26

practice a loving

1:21:28

yourself with the for range of emotions not

1:21:30

stuffing not masking stuffing hiding

1:21:33

and not thing trapped in one emotion

1:21:35

as well make you feel like you can get

1:21:37

out of it so when people get the book

1:21:40

and also check out quiet for all the introverts

1:21:42

for the world does , be your

1:21:45

your central year introverts

1:21:48

bible it's nice to go to

1:21:50

i have a know that you're not alone and how that know that

1:21:53

there's some does allow power

1:21:55

within being an introvert and having

1:21:57

quiet the like you said i

1:22:00

get my best ideas when i'm alone you

1:22:02

know when i'm not with other people oh that's

1:22:04

interesting stephen for your users is it's

1:22:07

like when i'm when i'm on a run on a walk

1:22:10

or animal to drive and drive don't have music

1:22:12

on friday when you know what i'm

1:22:14

in silence i might be in motion

1:22:16

race but i mustn't help friendlier

1:22:18

about i'm in silence i'm not listening

1:22:21

doing in them and i'm listening

1:22:23

to the inner voice yeah that's

1:22:25

when all the things are connecting

1:22:28

the brain and like the dots are coming oh this

1:22:30

idea comes yeah when that

1:22:32

happens so i actually

1:22:34

once i caught strategic messing around

1:22:36

time since it's scheduling in time

1:22:39

to just play just as do

1:22:41

and nothing to play throw a frisbee

1:22:44

just whatever my be or to go for a walk

1:22:47

giving myself that time that's

1:22:49

why you're from my best ideas because of i'm always productive

1:22:52

and doing doing doing that on i know

1:22:54

being and i'm not listening not

1:22:57

generating journal chattering from places

1:22:59

from places right it's like you're always

1:23:02

creating it's hard to come up with the

1:23:04

next beautiful idea

1:23:06

no i love

1:23:08

that you know the and we

1:23:10

may thing psychologists me khalid sheikh sent

1:23:12

me high he did a study of creativity

1:23:15

and he found that

1:23:17

extroverted teenagers who had a

1:23:19

lot of creative talent in one to me and or another

1:23:22

that they sometimes wouldn't realize all their

1:23:24

talent because

1:23:25

heard of the process requires solitude

1:23:28

and for the teams he just

1:23:30

like college you so much

1:23:32

they didn't have the space that they needed

1:23:34

he develop their so

1:23:36

i i worry about that sometimes with our school because

1:23:39

everything is now so group focused

1:23:41

as close to signing aberration grew

1:23:43

forces for alzheimer's and group focused

1:23:45

like not heard on the introverts in one way

1:23:48

but i worry about the extroverted kids who

1:23:50

aren't ever getting the training that they need

1:23:52

to realize that they can

1:23:54

we thrive in solitude too if

1:23:56

is think of i was so afraid to be alone

1:23:59

him growing up

1:23:59

and i needed to be around people and

1:24:02

can was can was growing

1:24:04

up i didn't have friends and so

1:24:07

i felt worthless a loser

1:24:09

that one would be frazzled me and

1:24:11

then when i had friends that i'm on a

1:24:13

loser friends he says like misspelled what

1:24:15

do you do with your playlist do this right i was

1:24:17

going to be around people on i got my

1:24:19

twenties i remember thinking to myself

1:24:22

i don't like the way this feels needing

1:24:24

to always be around people

1:24:26

the feel like i'm good enough yeah

1:24:28

yeah cause of the word needing a nintendo

1:24:31

needed to idea in order to feel loved

1:24:33

or scepticism as i came i really

1:24:35

don't accept myself yet fully if

1:24:38

i'm needing other people's or some me to

1:24:40

feel good and so i gave myself

1:24:43

the challenge

1:24:45

from a couple years was

1:24:48

like i'm gonna i'm gonna with myself

1:24:50

alone she sounds a week and we're going to lunch

1:24:52

or dinner when i go to movies alone which

1:24:54

i would never gonna the movie alone never

1:24:56

would have gone to lunch by myself the

1:24:59

felt too intimidated or to like like i'm a loser

1:25:01

to sitting here alone and

1:25:03

i did this first years first got so

1:25:06

in a weird way i fell in love with myself

1:25:09

for the first time by just appreciating

1:25:11

my own company i'm sitting there

1:25:13

and just enjoying lunch and just be

1:25:16

an observed people and say hi to people but

1:25:18

just being able to be there go to movie by myself

1:25:21

how , popcorn alone and just laugh

1:25:23

or be a part of the movie experience alone and

1:25:26

it was one of the greatest gifts the greatest myself

1:25:29

the guys

1:25:30

no are needed to spend time with people

1:25:32

just to be around them i can appreciate

1:25:34

my longtime and i really value

1:25:37

than hours before i didn't because

1:25:39

didn't couldn't accept myself

1:25:40

yeah know it sounds like an aspect of self

1:25:42

yeah yeah what

1:25:45

they call when you're and between extroverted

1:25:47

oh yeah that's a good question it's called an amd

1:25:49

of her amber yeah yeah i

1:25:51

love being around people but i also

1:25:53

love my longtime re re

1:25:56

like i wanna go hang out with friends and direct

1:25:58

evidence presented like i wanna be alone

1:25:59

you have day yeah you know the ah

1:26:02

yes susan i'm so grateful that

1:26:05

you decided to put this book our i really

1:26:07

wide knowledge you for your

1:26:09

mission to serve people using your

1:26:11

gift using your talent

1:26:13

to create beautiful piece of

1:26:15

art

1:26:16

share with others on how they can understand themselves

1:26:18

better how they can heal how the can grow

1:26:20

how they can connect with others black

1:26:24

of a bus or really inspiring and imparting a lot

1:26:26

of people some grateful for your knowledge

1:26:28

and grateful for your lessens

1:26:31

the challenges you face in your life to

1:26:33

make this from that space

1:26:35

the rather others can understand our lives it's

1:26:37

really cool which of creighton and

1:26:40

i have this continues to do wealthy with bittersweet

1:26:42

to the lot of people feel empty

1:26:45

and this can help them feel whole so i'm

1:26:47

really grateful for you thank , so

1:26:49

much much such a joy

1:26:52

and honor to be here with you really appreciate

1:26:54

it i'm really grateful i've got a couple of [unk]

1:26:56

questions or but

1:26:58

i want to make sure people get the book i want

1:27:00

them to go want susan cain dot net and take your

1:27:02

quiz

1:27:04

got a quiz on their you got a newsletter on their

1:27:07

got a course ah what's the

1:27:09

course about

1:27:09

actually it's a bittersweet course and

1:27:12

what's cool about it is that it's it's

1:27:14

done three texts that we send your

1:27:16

phone either for your tech me or sms or

1:27:18

three what that most and so it's like every morning

1:27:20

you wake up and there's an audio message for me

1:27:22

is written essays are all different things

1:27:24

it's little by little burst

1:27:26

that you wake up to you every morning what's gonna

1:27:28

help people

1:27:29

where when i got her course

1:27:31

either way over a learning

1:27:33

to live

1:27:34

life with joy and sorrow and then

1:27:36

to come out in a more whole way that

1:27:39

so we go to susan cain dot net they

1:27:41

can get all the information there that's right

1:27:43

there book makes you guys get a few copies

1:27:46

this the question

1:27:48

if he wants or the and for hypothetical question

1:27:50

called the three truths so imagine

1:27:52

you get to live as long as you want to land but it's your last

1:27:55

day you to accomplish

1:27:57

everything you are topless experience all the

1:28:00

the arrows enjoy the life the all

1:28:02

the beautiful art music

1:28:04

always things but for whatever reason

1:28:06

to get to take all your work with you

1:28:08

then i was so no one has access to your books

1:28:12

the reviews dawn a hypothetical scenario

1:28:14

perhaps some kind every interview you've ever

1:28:16

has gone every article everything for

1:28:18

whatever reason go somewhere else what

1:28:20

you could really behind three lessons are you

1:28:22

blonde three truths

1:28:25

that you would share with share world in this in this half

1:28:28

of your message last would say

1:28:30

would be those three truce for you

1:28:32

okay so i

1:28:35

get one of them as the

1:28:37

they are already said before but the

1:28:39

to

1:28:39

the answer to the question it's them the idea

1:28:41

of whenever pain you can't get rid of make

1:28:43

that

1:28:44

you're offering make that your creative offering

1:28:47

and then another one in this comes from

1:28:49

this is an idea from quiet actually

1:28:52

this idea the really about both books

1:28:54

i would say it's that

1:28:55

i believe there are many

1:28:58

different kinds of superpowers

1:29:00

on offer in this world

1:29:02

we know that from the movies right there's like

1:29:04

light sabers in there is mine really

1:29:06

learn and seven years young people

1:29:08

who climb up with a spade or theater

1:29:10

and either of this moment

1:29:12

the paper airplanes and

1:29:15

it's about as given different

1:29:18

kind of super powers like in a new

1:29:20

you only get the lightsaber you only get the wizards how

1:29:22

you don't get them off

1:29:23

though a lot of the key to life is figuring

1:29:26

out what are the superpowers that you

1:29:28

have been granted him and using

1:29:30

those

1:29:31

even when well

1:29:32

remember that yeah i'm not thinking

1:29:34

i have to have some other superpower think i went

1:29:37

with viewers like that with years okay

1:29:39

this number two and number two

1:29:41

the third one of those it's a little

1:29:43

bit like

1:29:44

like a pithy one sentence when bet m

1:29:49

i'm never going to pittsburgh isis pittsburgh isis

1:29:52

whenever lessons that i learned

1:29:54

from during

1:29:55

a bittersweet research it comes from

1:29:57

the couple out which is the mystical side of

1:29:59

duty of the

1:29:59

it's a parable and

1:30:02

the parable basically says that

1:30:05

how and creation originally

1:30:07

who is one intact divine

1:30:10

vessel of light but then then

1:30:13

shatters

1:30:13

in the world we're living in now is the world

1:30:16

after the break is that

1:30:19

the shards of that

1:30:20

those are scattered everywhere around

1:30:22

us still

1:30:24

so what we can do in the broken

1:30:26

world

1:30:26

the everybody's gonna notice different shards

1:30:29

of light

1:30:30

what we can do is bend down and

1:30:32

pick them up whenever we noticed them

1:30:35

and i love this because to me this

1:30:37

is like the answer of how

1:30:39

to live in a world that

1:30:42

contains what so much tragedy

1:30:44

and evil over here and and so much joy

1:30:46

eleven beauty over there and which is

1:30:49

it can be

1:30:50

overwhelming to think how to live with both

1:30:52

of those they feel it is parable of giving

1:30:54

us the answer it's like okay the own expected

1:30:57

to be perfect it's never gonna be utopia

1:31:00

that

1:31:00

we if you have the power to be bending down

1:31:03

and picking it

1:31:04

the white always has

1:31:07

been home secretary

1:31:09

truce final question

1:31:12

okay what's your definition greatness

1:31:14

and gas

1:31:18

i don't know the answer that just came into my head as

1:31:21

lowest and like self love

1:31:23

love of others

1:31:25

they with them

1:31:27

thank you so much for listening to

1:31:29

this conversation if you enjoyed it and you want

1:31:31

to dive into another similar school greatest

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episode check out the links

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to bring you more inspirations just like

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1:32:38

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1:32:40

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1:32:58

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1:33:00

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