0:00

Hey, welcome back to whatever the hell

0:02

this is, I'm All Alone Edition!

0:05

Yay! Thank you! Well

0:08

thank you! No

0:10

thank you. Okay, fuck you. Why would

0:12

you say that? Anyways,

0:15

yes, I'm here all alone in my

0:17

kitchen. It's 11pm, Ryland's at Disneyland, and

0:19

I decided not to go because

0:21

of my social anxiety. Okay,

0:25

wrong button. There

0:27

we go! That's right.

0:29

I have very crippling

0:32

social anxiety. Okay, why

0:35

do you keep doing that? There

0:37

we go. Uh, no. No, I

0:41

actually didn't want to go because, you

0:43

know, I like watching Disneyland. I like seeing

0:45

it from afar. Like, I like watching Disney

0:47

vloggers. I like seeing them go in rope

0:49

drop, if you don't know the term, get

0:51

with it. Rope dropping is when you go

0:53

to Disneyland before the park opens, and then

0:55

you're there at the celebration hour when all

0:58

the mascots, or whatever they're called, run out and

1:00

say, Welcome to Disneyland! Get

1:02

your ass inside right now,

1:04

we're gonna get a churro!

1:07

And everybody's just so excited! And then

1:10

you're thinking, why am I

1:12

not there? And then you remember, because

1:15

you have social

1:17

anxiety. Now, um,

1:19

so yes, Ryland's there, and we were supposed

1:22

to do an audio only podcast tonight. And

1:24

he was like, Hey, so real quick,

1:26

um, I don't want to miss the

1:28

fireworks show. And I'm gonna be too tired

1:30

when I get home. So maybe we could push it. And

1:32

I was like, you know, maybe I should try

1:34

to do an episode alone just to just to try it out. I've wanted

1:37

to do it for a while. And he said, You know what, that's a

1:39

good idea. I'm gonna go get your old

1:41

bye. And I said, Bye. So

1:44

here I am. Um, I

1:47

want to be serious for a second. I have wanted

1:49

to do this for a while, mainly because I feel

1:51

like the podcast as much as I love it. I

1:53

would say I love the podcast more than I

1:55

love. Oh my

1:58

god, I can't even think of anything. Little Debbie's

2:00

Christmas Tree cakes. It's

2:05

close. But I really do love the podcast

2:07

and I'm really proud of it but I feel like it's definitely

2:09

become more of like a

2:11

show, which I love, but it's kind

2:13

of hard to talk about serious things on the

2:15

podcast when you know if

2:17

I start talking about my body dysmorphia and then I

2:20

look up and you know Jared's dressed up as a

2:22

hot dog and Chris is a minion. So it's just

2:24

a little hard to go

2:26

there. So I want to

2:28

try next year to really start doing that more

2:30

on the pod. Pod. Sorry,

2:33

never said that in my life. On the pod.

2:36

What am I 80? Do 80

2:38

year olds watch podcasts? Interesting.

2:42

Do you think anybody's ever watched my podcasts

2:44

on their deathbed? That

2:47

would be an interesting way to be

2:49

ushered off to hell. Sorry.

2:54

What was I talking about?

2:56

Okay, that would be Rylan's

2:58

podcast song. There we

3:00

go. Okay, that's my

3:02

little Let's Get Back on Track angel. So

3:05

yes, I've wanted to do this for a while. I'm gonna

3:07

do this on the normal podcast soon, kind of getting deeper

3:09

about some topics that I want to talk about, but I'm

3:11

gonna do it tonight all alone because I feel the most

3:13

comfortable right now in my kitchen. I

3:23

really need to learn these sounds. So

3:25

I went on Instagram and I said, hey, what do you guys want me

3:27

to talk about? But don't give me

3:29

two mean of suggestions. Don't send me hate. I

3:31

am too vulnerable right now. Have

3:34

you ever eaten too much

3:37

and you feel very vulnerable and you feel like

3:39

if anybody says anything mean to me right now,

3:41

I will start crying. That's how I

3:43

feel. So let's

3:46

open this up together. Although I

3:48

do know what I want to talk about. I want to talk

3:50

about, and I'll get to Instagram

3:52

in a second, but I want to talk about this

3:54

next chapter of my life. And

3:56

I'm not nervous at all about becoming a

3:59

dad. It's all I've

4:01

ever wanted forever like I cannot wait.

4:03

I'm not nervous. I'm ready. I'm like

4:05

in daddy mode like here

4:07

we go but there

4:09

are a few things that I'm nervous about as far as

4:11

like I Don't want

4:13

to bring in certain things into this next chapter.

4:16

I don't want to Bring

4:18

my body issues into this next chapter. I

4:20

don't want to bring my

4:22

social anxiety into it I don't want my

4:24

kids to ever see daddy having like a

4:27

Panic attack about you

4:30

know something like something work related like I don't want

4:32

them to see me spirally I don't want them to

4:34

see any of that and I know I can't protect

4:36

them from all of it But

4:38

I really wanted to get in control of so many

4:40

things before I had kids and I feel like I've

4:42

gotten up really close But there's still

4:44

a few things that I need to conquer and I want

4:47

to leave behind in 2023 so I

4:49

kind of want to talk about a few of those things

4:51

oops. Let me just texted me hold on Oh,

4:54

Rylan said he is doing Indiana Jones right now

4:56

and then heading back God

4:58

if I wasn't So

5:01

insecure that wouldn't freak me out. I

5:03

get it. I know Indiana Jones is

5:05

a ride. It's a wild one anyways

5:09

See I want to talk about some things. I want to leave behind in

5:11

this next chapter of my life Alright,

5:15

so let's jump into a

5:18

program. God. I'm scared.

5:20

Okay, let's see first topic

5:26

Can you give us a horror movie

5:28

update okay Wow starting easy That's

5:31

very nice. Thank you. That was from machines. Why smile?

5:35

Horror movie update so okay. This is kind of crazy

5:37

I don't know if this is gonna be boring and

5:39

if it is please scroll past this because

5:42

I've stopped well I have been vlogging the whole

5:44

process of trying to make this movie But I

5:46

haven't been putting it on my channel yet because

5:48

I'm kind of waiting Till I can

5:50

put like a bunch of it in there like

5:53

a full update cool documentary style

5:55

thing Basically, here's where we're at

5:58

Whoa all the lights just went

6:00

off. Okay, they're back.

6:04

Okay, that was weird, because the power didn't go out

6:06

on this microphone thing. Hello?

6:09

Okay. What

6:13

was I talking about? The

6:15

movie, right. Okay, thank you, Perry. So

6:18

the movie is coming along, and

6:21

I'm really excited about it. We've hired a casting

6:23

director. So here's the process that

6:25

we're going through. So we had a poster made.

6:27

We made a movie poster. We

6:29

made a movie sizzle reel. So that's like me

6:32

kind of explaining on camera like what the

6:34

movie's about, why I want to make it,

6:36

my vision for it. And then we splice in a

6:38

bunch of horror movie clips and different

6:41

things that remind me of the vibe of the

6:43

movie. So we made that. We made the

6:45

poster. We made the lookbook,

6:48

which I showed you guys a little bit of. Now

6:51

we hired a casting director. So we're trying to

6:53

attach actors. And then once we

6:55

attach a couple actors, we put the package

6:57

together, and then we go get the money. That's

7:00

the scariest part to me, because

7:02

I don't know. It's scary. It's scary,

7:04

like what if people are like, nah, fuck it, we don't want

7:06

it. But what if,

7:09

what if it worked out? That

7:11

would be my dream. I want to make this movie more than anything

7:13

in my whole entire life. I feel like it's

7:16

just all I want to do. So send

7:18

good vibes, and hopefully next

7:21

spring we'll be filming it in

7:24

like another country. That's the other thing. So we've

7:26

been working with the production company in

7:28

another country, and that has been very interesting. So

7:30

I can't wait to like film that process, like

7:32

going to another country with the babies and like,

7:37

it's gonna be crazy. So I'm excited. Okay,

7:40

next topic. If

7:43

you feel safe, could you talk about your

7:45

eating disorder recovery? How do you handle relapses?

7:49

All right. Wrong

7:54

one. Ooh, now.

8:00

Cover me. Yeah.

8:03

Here we go. Talking about our

8:05

bodies, everyone. Okay. So,

8:08

yes. Eating disorders. This

8:11

is gonna be a blast. I'm gonna put on some chapstick.

8:14

My lips tend to get chapped when I'm talking about

8:16

my body dysmorphia. Hold on. You

8:18

know, I was talking to

8:20

somebody the other day who is

8:23

kind of a recent person in my life,

8:25

known them for a year. And we started

8:27

talking just kind of about random things. And then

8:30

body stuff came up, eating disorders stuff came up.

8:32

And I started talking about it so casually to

8:35

where later I thought, was that a lot? Was

8:38

that too much? Should

8:40

I have not done that? Have you ever done

8:42

that where you've said something and you were like, wow,

8:45

that was a lot. Anyways, so

8:47

I did that. And I was

8:49

talking to this person and I said, yeah,

8:52

I've struggled with a lot. Like when

8:54

I was a kid, I was

8:56

a fat kid. And I do think

8:59

it was genetic, but I also think I was depressed and

9:01

dealing with a lot of things and had

9:03

no control in my life or in my

9:06

house or in my childhood. I was very

9:09

lacking control. So I would like do

9:11

things to get control, which is the whole

9:13

idea of an eating disorder. You

9:16

control the thing because

9:18

you can't control your life. So it started

9:20

with me. This is going to be gross.

9:22

So strap it. I'm going to talk about

9:24

some things I've never talked about because fuck

9:26

it, right? I'm in my kitchen all alone.

9:28

This is the perfect place to talk about

9:30

this in my kitchen. It's like I planned

9:33

it. I didn't. So

9:35

when I was a kid, I would

9:38

hold in my poop and

9:40

I would do that because

9:42

I didn't want to poop. I don't know why.

9:45

Nowadays, if you if you literally put a gun

9:47

in my head and said, holding your poop, I'd

9:49

be like, no, I'd rather die. Like I need

9:51

to get this out of me. It's the best

9:53

part of the day, baby. But back

9:55

then, I really did not enjoy it. It

9:57

made me feel really vulnerable and scared and I hated it.

10:00

And I would hold in my pee to the point

10:03

where I'd pee the bed and my sleep so that

10:05

was kind of my first weird control

10:07

issue as a kid Then

10:10

once I got into school and I

10:12

started getting made fun of for being fat Which

10:14

is so funny because I look back at pictures of myself. I'm like

10:16

I wasn't even that fat I was

10:18

like a chubby kid, but like you

10:21

know like commercial chubby Like

10:23

a Target commercial like you'd see like a chubby kid playing

10:25

in the snow and you'd be like oh, that's cute Like

10:27

look at him. He's enjoying his life. That was me But

10:30

in the moment I felt so bad about

10:33

myself because I'd have kids poking me and

10:35

doing the Pillsbury thing You know like poking

10:37

me and going like why aren't you laughing?

10:41

You know singing the Jenny Craig theme song at

10:43

me one eight hundred Wait,

10:45

that's right one. Oh, it's not no

10:48

that closet world Closet world

10:50

wait, what the fuck is Jenny Craig? Whatever,

10:53

you know what I mean? So it was

10:56

really hard And when I

10:58

was in high school, I was

11:00

at my biggest you know creeping up toward that,

11:02

you know for racks You know

11:04

I'm saying so I'm trying to be Yeah,

11:12

I was creeping up I was very

11:14

depressed I had tried everything I was on

11:16

Weight Watchers my entire childhood Teenage

11:19

years everything and I

11:22

lost like almost 200 pounds in

11:24

like six months It

11:26

was the day after I graduated high school. I said

11:28

I'm done and I Stopped

11:31

eating. I mean I

11:33

had chicken once in a while, but I pretty

11:35

much stopped eating and then I started running every

11:38

single fucking night Fucked

11:40

up my knees fucked up my body ruined my

11:42

metabolism, but I got skinny girl Except

11:46

I didn't because I had 20 pounds 30

11:49

pounds of loose skin. So then I

11:52

was like, okay, I lost all this weight, but I still feel bad

11:54

about myself Which led

11:57

me into even more

11:59

eating disorder issues You know, you're starting

12:01

to move more, trying,

12:03

you know, delving into the bulimia, doing

12:06

that for a few years, really like,

12:08

you know, wearing these crazy body contouring,

12:10

you know, skims before skims were skims.

12:12

You know what I mean? Like, I

12:15

was making my own skims. And finally

12:18

got my skin taken off. Sorry, I'm getting

12:20

to a point, I promise. Finally

12:22

got my skin taken off. That

12:25

sounds insane. That's the craziest thing I've ever said. Get

12:27

my skin taken off. It

12:31

was magical. They brought it out

12:33

on a platter and my mom passed out. That's

12:37

a real story. Have I ever talked about that? That

12:39

was insane. The

12:41

doctor literally had

12:44

my skin on the platter like it was, you

12:46

know, a cut of meat at a steakhouse and he was

12:48

like showing us how rare it was. And we were all

12:50

just like, so yeah,

12:53

that happened. After

12:56

that I gained weight because I couldn't

12:58

exercise and I had to eat because

13:00

when you get surgery like that, such

13:02

an intense surgery, you have to eat

13:05

to get your, you know, body healing. So

13:07

then I gained like 30 pounds. And

13:10

then that just started the whole cycle over again. And

13:12

then the YouTube comments started and I know right now,

13:14

like in 2023, it's unpopular to

13:17

call people fat or say mean things about their body

13:20

or do any of that. But

13:22

in 2010, baby, it was peak. For

13:25

fat, it was like every

13:27

single comment. I had one

13:29

situation where I

13:31

was pretty skinny. I can say that now looking

13:33

back, like in the moment I felt fat looking

13:35

back, I was pretty skinny. I was

13:38

at the beach. I was too afraid to take my shirt off.

13:40

So I didn't, which I never do. And

13:42

this girl came up and she was like, Oh my God,

13:44

I love your videos. And I was like, Oh my God,

13:46

thank you. And then she gave me a hug and we

13:49

took a picture and I was so happy I didn't take

13:51

my shirt off. I'm so happy I had

13:53

a shirt on in this picture. She posted on

13:55

Instagram and she put, I just met Shane

13:57

hashtag fatter in person. And

14:00

that was the catalyst for the

14:02

next 10 years of

14:04

my life, which

14:07

just was really bad. So

14:10

yeah, if you're out there and you take a

14:12

picture with anybody, don't say

14:14

they look fatter in person. Also, don't give

14:16

them a hug and grab their back fat

14:18

and go, squishy! Because somebody

14:20

did that to me like two weeks ago and that was like

14:22

the worst. But I'm in

14:24

a better place now, so it didn't bother me. But

14:27

it was aggressive. Anyways,

14:30

so yeah, I was getting all the fat comments. People

14:33

were being so mean. Anytime

14:36

I'd be in someone else's video, like back during

14:38

the collab era of YouTube, where it was like,

14:40

oh, okay, so this YouTuber just

14:42

texted me and wants me to come

14:44

over and sit at a table with

14:46

them and try crazy soda pops, or

14:48

being boozled. God, being

14:51

boozled, what a nightmare. So

14:53

we would do the collab and

14:55

I'd get so scared because I wasn't in control

14:58

of the camera. I couldn't do my MySpace angle.

15:00

I couldn't have the camera up on the fucking

15:02

ceiling with a ring light. Like, I had no

15:04

control. They'd post the video and I

15:06

could not look at it. And

15:08

I'd see screenshots of it and I'd see how fat

15:10

I looked in my head. And then

15:12

I'd see comments that were like, ew, that's what

15:14

Shane looks like. Oh my God, ew, he looks

15:16

like a big woman. So

15:19

that created this thing of I didn't wanna leave the house. So

15:23

then I just stopped leaving the house. I

15:25

stopped for years. I still

15:27

haven't fully gotten back to leaving the

15:29

house because I'm so scared of somebody,

15:32

you know, like in 2021, I

15:36

had been, you know, hibernating after being canceled, not

15:38

leaving. And I left the house, I had

15:40

a friend from out of town and I was like,

15:43

you know, I'm gonna pretend that I don't have social anxiety and

15:45

I'm gonna take my friend out on the town. Let's go do

15:47

something fun. So we did, we went

15:49

to some park where they

15:52

were showing like people's artwork and

15:54

we're walking around and I

15:56

was like, oh, okay, this feels good. Like, you know,

15:58

I'm just having fun. I'm trying. have to think about

16:00

it like people I see a couple people taking pictures from far

16:02

away but you know what it is what it is and that's

16:04

fine and whatever well

16:07

then I find out that somebody was filming me and

16:10

they put it on tiktok and I didn't look

16:12

thank god I don't look at tiktok but

16:14

the gist of it was look how fat chain

16:16

looks and supposedly there

16:19

was a lot of mean comments about how

16:21

fat I looked and it's

16:24

interesting it's like you're not allowed to call someone

16:26

fat anymore you're not allowed to bully anyone but

16:28

when it's me it's fair game baby who

16:32

cares he's cancelled right you have fat fuck

16:35

look at him so yeah

16:39

and I really want to conquer that before

16:41

I have kids which I've been trying to do

16:43

the last two years I've really been leaving the

16:45

house more been trying not to think about it

16:48

trying to get more confident comfortable

16:50

been eating healthy but not starving

16:52

myself not throwing up not doing any of that

16:56

and I do feel like I'm in the best place possible

17:00

but yeah it is something you know it's hard I

17:02

wanted to go to Disneyland today I wanted to go

17:04

more than anything and I think I

17:06

lied at the beginning of this podcast and I said I

17:08

didn't want to go I did and I'm

17:10

sorry for lying I really wanted to go I could cry right

17:12

now because I wanted to go so bad and

17:16

I'm just too scared and

17:19

I really want to get over it so yeah

17:24

I'm not

17:26

expecting that to take a

17:28

turn like this you know

17:31

it's interesting I feel

17:33

like I've wasted

17:42

35 years of my life in

17:44

a lot of ways because I

17:46

have been so preoccupied with how I

17:49

look in a

17:51

bad way you know not like yes

17:53

that's hot like not like that in

17:56

a bad way and nobody here's

17:59

the thing I used to say this in therapy and

18:01

I used to say this to my friends who also have

18:03

issues. I'd be like, nobody's thinking about

18:05

you, right? Everybody's thinking about themselves. If

18:08

you walk out on the street and you feel fat, nobody's

18:10

passing you on the street and thinking about you being

18:12

fat because they're thinking about themselves. They don't actually care.

18:15

But it's hard to use that example when people

18:17

have literally put on the internet how fat I

18:19

look. Like,

18:23

you know what I mean? And even in therapy when

18:25

I bring that up, I'm like, how do

18:28

I process this? And she's like, that's a

18:30

tough one. It is hard. It's

18:32

hard. So,

18:35

but yes, I do really want to get

18:37

better at it. And I think

18:39

I have. I'm sorry for crying five seconds ago. That was a lot.

18:42

I told you I'm vulnerable. I'm

18:45

vulnerable. But how am I dealing with my recovery? Well, I'd

18:47

say about seven years

18:49

ago, eight years ago, I really

18:51

got off the bulimia wagon. I

18:54

did therapy for that. Thank God. Because

18:57

I mean, it was getting to a point. I've never talked

19:00

about this, I don't think, but it was getting to a

19:02

point where I was like, yes, I wasn't like super skinny,

19:04

but it doesn't matter. I was

19:06

literally dying. My heart was having

19:08

issues. I was in and out of the hospital

19:13

because I was not feeding myself. And if I was, I was

19:15

birthing and it was in a good look. So

19:18

there was that. So luckily I got through

19:20

that. And then

19:22

that turned into other things and, you

19:24

know, constantly checking things and checking calories, checking

19:26

this and checking that. But

19:29

I'd say the last few years, I've

19:32

been the best I've ever been. But it's a

19:34

struggle every single day. It's hard. It's

19:36

hard. Like it's, you know, 30 whatever years

19:38

of feeling bad about

19:40

yourself and feeling insecure. And

19:43

you know, it's a never ending cycle. But

19:46

I do think, sorry, just burp. That was insane. I'm

19:48

sorry, those gross. But I do think I'm

19:50

in the best place I've ever been, even though

19:52

I'm crying about not going to Disneyland. I will go.

19:56

I almost feel like it'll be easier when I have

19:58

kids because when I have a stroller. And

20:01

tell me if you relate to this, and this is dark,

20:03

but when you're in a grocery store and you have your

20:05

cart, it's almost like a security cart. And

20:08

I feel like nobody's ever said that, and I'm going to be the first. I'm

20:11

probably not the first, but you do you know what

20:14

I mean? The security cart, you

20:16

feel bad when you got that cart. You got that

20:18

cart in front of you and you're leaning on it

20:20

and you're strolling, slow. Those

20:26

are my feet, those are my heels on the target ground.

20:28

You know what I mean? I'm living. So

20:30

I feel like a stroller is literally a security stroller. And

20:33

if somebody comes up and says I look fat or takes a picture

20:35

of me looking fat, it's like, okay, yeah, but I'm literally a mom.

20:39

Like I have children, so like, give me a break. So

20:42

yes, hopefully that wasn't too depressing. And

20:45

yeah, I'll never talk about it again. Okay.

20:48

Oh my God, the next one is talk about mental

20:50

health and weirdness. Okay, you

20:52

know what I will say before I move on

20:54

to some funny topics? I know this

20:56

sounds really depressing and dark and crazy and

20:58

I probably should delete all this, but I will say

21:01

mental health journeys never end, right? There's

21:03

ebbs and flows, there's ups and downs, good

21:06

days and bad days. I

21:09

mentally am in the best place I've ever

21:11

been. I'm not hurting myself. I'm not, you

21:14

know, taking my skin off. I'm not

21:16

starving myself. I'm not obsessing over things,

21:19

but I'm still dealing with social

21:21

anxiety, right? Like I still have

21:24

that thing that I need to conquer,

21:26

but I'm so blessed and so grateful that I'm

21:28

not dealing with 10 other things

21:30

because there has been moments in my life where I've had

21:32

all of them going on, baby. It's been worse. So

21:35

I feel like I'm in a really good place. Convincing

21:40

myself. Okay, moving on.

21:43

Where's Taco Bell from? Interesting

21:48

question. I will say, I haven't had fast

21:50

food. I've had it for six

21:52

months and I think that's helping. But

21:55

hey Taco Bell, if you want to sponsor the show, let's do

21:57

it, baby. I'm kidding, I'm kidding. They

21:59

would never. When

22:01

did you know that Ryland was the one? I

22:05

wish I remembered. I think we talked about it on

22:07

a previous podcast. I wish I remembered the exact moment,

22:09

but it was when he was crying. He was crying

22:11

about something and he was being so vulnerable. And

22:14

that to me, it just like any

22:17

issue, not issue, but when we were first

22:19

dating, he was kind of cold and he

22:21

was a little reserved. He wasn't giving me

22:23

much. And I didn't know if he liked

22:25

me or not. I was like, I don't know. Like, I like him

22:27

a lot, but he's kind of cold, kind of distant. And

22:30

I don't know. I feel like he's over this. And

22:33

then he started crying about something and

22:35

I consulted him and I could feel it. I

22:37

felt the real emotional connect. I felt it. And

22:40

I was like, oh, he's not

22:42

the stone wall. Like he has a soft

22:45

core. And

22:47

then we jammed out to Ashley Simpson and we

22:49

got drunk. And that was the moment.

22:52

That was a moment. OK,

22:55

somebody said, do you have any fears of not

22:57

amounting to anything in life? Woof. Whoa.

23:01

Whoa. Oh,

23:04

man, we're going there. Of

23:06

course, I feel like, of course,

23:08

like I want to be a good dad more

23:10

than anything. I don't want to be

23:13

there for my kids. I want them to feel

23:15

so comfortable with us. I want them to not

23:17

be afraid to ask us for

23:19

advice. I don't want them to keep things from us. All these things

23:21

that are probably not realistic, right?

23:23

Like nobody has that perfect relationship with their

23:25

kids. But I

23:28

would feel like a failure if I didn't have

23:30

a little of that. Like

23:33

I really want to be

23:35

a successful dad more than anything, more than

23:37

career, more than anything. So,

23:41

yeah, what was the question? Fear of not amounting to

23:43

anything. Yeah, I have a fear of not being the

23:45

dad I've always wanted to be. And that's really scary.

23:49

But the way I'm working through that, you

23:52

know, and I know this is hard

23:54

to say because so many bad things happen in life. And

23:56

when people say this, it's really annoying. But

23:59

I do think everything happens. happens for a reason. I can

24:01

look at every single thing in my life and

24:04

literally, like a fucking jigsaw

24:06

puzzle, I can say, oh, that happened because of this

24:08

and that happened because of this and then this happened

24:10

and then this happened and that's why that happened. And

24:13

yeah, it's a little bit of a defense mechanism. Like

24:15

I can find it pretty quick. When

24:17

something bad happens, I can be like, there's a

24:19

reason. And then like a week later, I'm like, I figured

24:21

it out. It's probably not real. But

24:24

it's not my brainworks. And I feel like if

24:27

you have that process of everything

24:29

happens for a reason, it does help. But

24:32

man, in the moment, it's

24:36

harder. Okay. Next question is

24:39

trending TikToks. I

24:43

don't go on TikTok. I've talked about

24:46

it before and I actually heard Emma Chamberlain talking about

24:48

this in an interview and I thought it was genius.

24:51

She was talking about why she doesn't go on TikTok. And

24:53

she was like, you know, it's not good for me. It's

24:56

filled with information too much because it's like

24:58

you open your phone and it's like, hey,

25:01

here's this new hairstyle that you need to

25:03

do or else you're not hip. And then

25:05

you scroll and it's like, hey, here's

25:08

this new diet. You have to try. I got to

25:10

cheese everything. And if you're not trying it, you're fat.

25:12

And then you scroll on and it's like, hey, guess

25:14

what? Middle parts are out, side parts are in. Are

25:16

you rocking a side part? You're a loser. Like it

25:19

never ends. It's so much information and

25:21

it's all geared toward you're doing this wrong. You're doing this wrong.

25:23

Guess what? You're doing this wrong. You should try this. You should

25:25

try this because you're doing this wrong. And

25:28

then if you're a YouTuber like Emma or

25:30

like me, every fifth TikTok is here's why

25:33

I hate Shane. Like

25:36

it's always that right? I opened

25:38

up TikTok to post a podcast clip and

25:40

my thing with TikTok is I open it, I

25:42

post my clip and I get the fuck out. I turn the

25:44

audio all the way down. I don't want to hear anything. I

25:47

don't want to see anything. But I

25:49

started doing this thing where even when I do

25:51

that, it'll a little pop up

25:53

will come up with a comment and

25:56

it'll be the meanest fucking comment TikTok

25:58

could find like the most brutal. just

26:00

pops up and it ruins my day.

26:04

Anyway, so that's why I'm not on TikTok. Which

26:06

I think I'm grateful for because I think I could

26:08

easily get sucked into that. I mean, you guys remember

26:10

in 2017 I couldn't stop saying, me,

26:13

that's me. And that was fun.

26:15

I really was addicted to it. So

26:17

if I was on TikTok I would be doing all the,

26:20

uh, but wait, but no, cause it's, it's the

26:22

blank for me. Like, it would be so cringy

26:24

and horrible and you guys would be like, Oh

26:27

God, stop. Anyways,

26:29

what I was trying to say is, Emma says something genius. She

26:31

said, YouTube is like a

26:33

glass of wine. TikTok is like

26:35

a line of coke. And

26:38

I agree. TikTok is fast. It moves

26:40

fast. If there's adrenaline, it's crazy. You don't

26:42

want to stop. You're hyped up. You keep

26:44

going and going and going and going. Whereas

26:47

YouTube, you turn it on and you can chill and you

26:49

don't want something and get something out of it. So if

26:51

you love TikTok, no shame at all. I think that's

26:54

awesome. I would probably love it if there wasn't so much

26:56

hate on it about me. But

26:59

yeah, I'm not on it. Um, I

27:02

need to sip this in thing. Somebody said,

27:05

talk about your birth chart. You

27:08

know, that's, do any, does anybody care

27:10

about that? Let me look. Here's my

27:12

birth chart. I am. Oh my

27:16

God. My fucking

27:18

thing. I just opened my co-star thing and it says,

27:20

good evening, Shane. Retract your

27:23

claws. Like what? My

27:25

claws. This kitty got claws

27:27

tonight? I don't think I do. How

27:30

do I look at my thing? Oh, here we go. So

27:32

I am a cancer, Virgo.

27:35

I guess moon. Cancer

27:37

sun, I think. Virgo

27:39

moon. And Cancer rising. It

27:42

says, uh, today I'm going to have

27:45

some power in my routine. Yeah. Power

27:48

and spirituality always. Power

27:50

and sex and love. Uh, Rylan, get back

27:52

home with that, Jiro. And power

27:54

and self. You

27:57

know, yes. I'd say I feel like myself today.

28:00

I don't know if that's what it means, but pressure in

28:03

thinking creativity Yep,

28:07

Aruni in trouble with social

28:09

life. Oh my god. Oh

28:12

my god I'm gonna this is insane. Are you guys ready for

28:14

this? Nobody cares. It's ever me, but here we

28:16

go Hey Shane, you're

28:18

ready to let go of something you've been feeling

28:20

insecure about You won't

28:22

need it where you're going next you

28:25

decide what your intentions are. Oh My

28:28

god, oh My

28:31

god, okay Whoo,

28:33

I feel sick. That was like

28:35

oh Whoa,

28:39

sorry, I had to step away from my phone for

28:41

a second. That was nuts. Did you guys hear that?

28:44

That was crazy. That is so

28:47

true. Literally exactly what I was talking about Okay

28:52

This has the general theme of

28:54

your life during this period is

28:56

to define your goals in more

28:58

aspirational terms Literally, yes The

29:01

tide is ruled by the moon and has no

29:03

preference between high and low between flood and the

29:05

shore laid bare again That

29:10

was insane so it's things like that where

29:12

I was like there was a moment Two

29:15

minutes ago where I debated ending this

29:17

and deleting it and starting over because

29:19

I started getting insecure about everything I've

29:21

said and me great and That

29:24

just right now made me change my mind

29:27

because I feel like everything's happening for a

29:29

reason That's exact that is literally my mental

29:31

illness. You guys are watching it live Because

29:34

now that I read that I'm

29:36

like, well, everything's happening for

29:38

a reason that was supposed to happen and I'm

29:40

leaving it Cut

29:43

to tiktok Shane has a mental break on

29:45

his podcast All

29:48

right, you know, we're gonna take a short tiny little

29:50

break and when we come back more

29:54

of my Dooloo

29:57

thoughts see aren't you glad I'm

29:59

not on tiktok? See you

30:01

in a second. Okay, welcome

30:03

to the break. I want to

30:06

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enjoy the rest of

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the show. Okay, we're back.

32:31

I really need to stop playing that one.

32:33

That is Rylan's. Is

32:36

there more? Okay, I'll play with these later.

32:38

I need to add new ones. Okay, where

32:41

was I? Instagram. How do you feel about

32:43

your past pop star era? Okay,

32:47

can I be honest?

32:49

I love making music. I

32:51

love it so much. And I

32:53

get embarrassed to say that because I think people think I'm

32:56

kidding. But I love it. I

32:58

still write music all the time. I have so

33:00

many voice memos and like, sorry,

33:03

I just hit the microphone. I was an accident. I

33:05

have so many voice memos, song ideas. I

33:08

actually wrote a couple songs like a couple years ago and

33:10

my friend worked on them with me.

33:13

We have like demos like I really

33:16

love it. Especially the Christmas music. I love

33:18

it so much. But yeah,

33:20

I'm a little insecure about that. I am a

33:22

little insecure about it. Because yeah, people

33:25

can look at it and laugh and be like, oh my god, what a

33:28

loser. Especially now that I'm 35. But

33:30

I would love to make music again. Oh

33:33

my god, can you imagine a cringy album for

33:35

kids? Now

33:37

that I'm a dad, I want to make dad music

33:40

for my boys. No, I'd rather

33:42

die. But I did get

33:44

an email today from somebody who said, oh my

33:46

god, they're playing your Christmas music at Spencer's. The

33:49

gift store in the mall. And it's happening

33:51

at like multiple Spencer's. So for some

33:53

reason, Spencer's has put me on their

33:55

Christmas playlist. Which is crazy.

33:57

So thank you, Spencer's. Um,

34:01

I don't know why, but that's fine. Okay.

34:04

Do you dye your hair orange, or

34:06

were you cursed as a ginger? That's

34:09

interesting. No, I was not... I

34:12

do not dye my hair, I've never dyed my hair, but

34:14

I am getting into... And by the way, I'm

34:17

not missing what you said about gingers, because

34:19

I might have a ginger. We don't know

34:21

yet. But, genetic-wise, it might happen. So

34:23

don't say it's cursed. I

34:26

think gingers are in, aren't they? Although I heard

34:28

a rumor that they're dying out. Like, I heard

34:30

gingers are on the decline, which is scary. Come

34:33

on, gingers, populate with each other! So...

34:36

what was the question? Oh,

34:40

thank you, fairy. Yes. Dyeing my hair. No,

34:42

I have not dyed my hair, but I'm getting to a

34:45

point now where I'm like, do I need to soon? My

34:47

hair's going gray. Fast. Literally,

34:50

it wasn't gray a month ago, and now, when

34:52

I look in the mirror, I have a lot

34:54

of grays. To a point where it looks like

34:56

I got highlights. So

34:58

I don't know what to do. I'm like, do I just let it go gray? Or

35:01

do I dye my hair? But then, how do I match

35:03

my hair color? Like, what if they dye it

35:05

and I look like... I don't

35:07

know, like, Lindsay Lohan in

35:10

her fucking club era. You

35:12

know exactly what I mean. And I love Lindsay.

35:15

But I can't do that. So

35:17

I don't know. What should I do, guys? What do you do?

35:19

I was talking to my friend about it, who

35:21

cuts my hair. And we were talking about gray hair. And

35:24

she's like, oh my god, my hair's going gray too.

35:26

And I just noticed it and we're the same age.

35:29

And she's like, I didn't know what happened this soon. I

35:31

was like, neither did I. When I was a kid, I

35:33

thought gray hair was for like 50. Like,

35:36

in my head, like, 50 means gray. Like,

35:41

Chris Pratt? Well, he's

35:43

not 35 anymore. But when I hear 35,

35:45

I think Chris Pratt. I don't know why. I just do.

35:49

Okay. Um, hemorrhoids.

35:54

Interesting topic.

35:57

Actually, haven't really heard

35:59

hemorrhoids. I'm gonna write slightly, so that's good. What

36:04

would you have done with your career if you didn't do

36:06

YouTube? Okay, I was actually talking about this the other day This

36:09

is gonna be really weird and you guys are gonna make fun of me.

36:13

I wanted to be a teacher so fucking

36:16

bad to a point where when

36:18

I was nine my mom and

36:21

me would go to these like

36:23

warehouse stores that was all

36:25

like teacher supply Like

36:28

those like you know your teachers like decorate the

36:30

classrooms which by the way They're

36:32

spending their own money on it, which is like hold on maybe

36:36

Which is so devastating and

36:38

sweet and just like I don't

36:41

know it makes me rethink all my teachers in such a

36:43

different light Like oh my god They were like going and

36:45

spending their own money to decorate the classroom for their kids

36:47

like that is the sweetest thing ever They deserve so much

36:49

more Anyway, so we would go to

36:51

these like outlet warehouse type stores And I would

36:53

literally get decorations for classrooms And I'd put them

36:56

in my room like I would decorate my room

36:58

like a classroom Like you know reading is fun

37:00

or like you know like numbers and letters and

37:02

like that fake tree thing like that was my

37:04

goal I'm like I want a fake corner tree

37:06

if you know what I'm talking about then you

37:08

know It's like the tree in the corner of

37:10

the classroom And it looks kind of real

37:13

but kind of fake and like there's like things

37:16

hanging from it Sometimes it's like books or

37:18

quotes or whatever. I wanted that so bad.

37:21

So yeah, I really want to be a teacher I had my

37:23

whole like first day Lined

37:26

up like I was like okay. I'm gonna walk in and they're all

37:28

gonna be sitting there I was thinking like fourth grade fifth grade They're

37:31

all sitting at their desks, and I'm like okay everybody

37:33

pop quiz take out your pens like we're getting right

37:35

into it And we're just oh man mister y'all oh

37:37

man Do a pop quiz

37:39

and I'm like okay question number one how much fun are

37:41

we gonna have this year? Okay

37:44

question number two. What movie are we gonna

37:46

watch? We're watching you my auntie

37:48

I just wanted to do that so bad Yeah,

37:57

and then over the years I realized college

38:00

was not for me. And I

38:03

really want to make movies, but I always

38:05

had the teacher thing as a backup, but

38:07

I do still love it. Somebody said, wow,

38:09

this is a lot of weight stuff. That

38:12

makes me sad. I'm so sorry that you

38:14

guys are dealing with it too. Hopefully

38:17

what I said helped. Did I say

38:19

anything helpful? I don't

38:21

know if I did. Just know you're not

38:23

alone. Does that help? Okay.

38:28

Okay. Somebody said, okay, we're going to end with

38:31

this. Loneliness. We're going

38:33

to end on a high note, guys. No,

38:35

I want to talk about this because I feel like

38:38

there is a stigma that being

38:40

alone or being lonely is a

38:42

bad thing. And I

38:45

think there is times, I mean right

38:47

now, what I'm doing right now, talking

38:49

to you guys alone. I think there's times where you need

38:51

to be alone and they could be years. Like

38:54

I had a couple years where I felt a

38:56

little alone. I mean, I had Rylan, I had

38:58

family and stuff, but like, you

39:00

know, when you're in that mode of feeling like everybody

39:02

hates you, you kind of

39:05

isolate. And through that isolation, I

39:08

really got to know myself so much more. I wasn't

39:12

doing, I wasn't, you know, doing

39:14

the Paris baby voice. Like I

39:16

wasn't, you know, metaphorically speaking, I wasn't

39:18

like putting on an actor trying to

39:21

be the funny guy or, you

39:23

know, the one that like I was really alone.

39:26

And I was just thinking,

39:29

writing and getting to know myself and

39:31

looking back at the past and like,

39:35

I don't know, like comforting my the

39:37

young version of myself and doing

39:40

a lot of work like that. That sounds so annoying and

39:42

lame. I know it's so annoying when people talk about shit

39:44

like that. But that is true. That's what I was doing.

39:46

And I feel like being alone could be a good thing.

39:50

Especially if you

39:53

tend to try

39:55

to be there for everyone else. And

39:58

then when something happens to you. You

40:00

feel like oh my god. I'm all alone. I'm always

40:02

there for everybody, but now I'm all alone well

40:06

Maybe you didn't need to be there for everyone I

40:09

mean yeah, it's good to be there for people, but maybe you

40:11

were doing it too much Maybe you

40:13

were being there for everyone else because you didn't want

40:15

to be alone And you didn't want to deal with

40:17

your own shit So instead you tried to help everybody

40:19

with their shit, and you know who needs

40:21

the most help the person who's helping the most the

40:24

person who's like Trying to

40:26

fix everything that person just doesn't want

40:28

to fix themselves And I

40:30

think being alone Really forces

40:32

you to figure out your own shit, and

40:35

then after you do that you can be a good friend

40:37

You can be a good partner You can be there

40:40

for someone without trying to fix

40:42

them or trying to you

40:44

know because Have

40:47

you ever had somebody who's constantly trying to

40:49

give you advice and all you want

40:51

to do is say shut up Shut

40:54

up go fix yourself Well

40:57

guess what you might have been that person And

41:01

you might tell everyone I'm a people pleaser, but

41:03

guess what? Your people annoy

41:05

her and I get it. I was too But

41:08

let's stop annoying people and start

41:11

pleasing ourselves Well

41:14

there you guys go that was me alone in my kitchen Talking

41:16

about good lord who knows I don't remember

41:19

if you ever want me to do this

41:21

again Let me know I don't know how you would leave a comment

41:23

on Spotify, but if you can figure it out let me know And

41:26

if you don't want me to do this again, I won't Yeah,

41:30

I'm gonna go this was a lot. I'm

41:32

gonna regret everything I said here, but you know what no I'm

41:34

not cuz my co-star said it's fine All

41:38

right you guys Thanks for everything.

41:40

Thanks for being there for me even and my

41:43

worst moments When I

41:45

wasn't looking at my phone. I still knew there were

41:47

some of you out there who are wishing me well

41:50

And you have no idea how much that means to me Even

41:57

if it feels like everybody hates you and this

41:59

isn't me talking about being cancelled this is just in

42:01

general you can feel like everybody hates you

42:04

just know that

42:07

someone cares even

42:09

if even if they're dead even

42:12

if they're a grandparent somebody

42:15

cares somebody's thinking about you

42:17

and that somebody right now is me and

42:20

I'm thinking about you I'm

42:22

gonna go this is getting weird you

42:25

guys at some point

42:27

I don't know when I'll see you guys at some

42:29

point okay

42:35

wrong one there we go ok Oh

42:37

wrap it up time for me to

42:39

wrap it up ok you guys later