0:00

What's up, guys? It's your favorite

0:02

Internet queers. I'm Ashley Gavin.

0:04

I'm Alena Joy, and I'm Mac and Jimmy,

0:06

and we are here to tell you about our new podcast

0:09

chosen family on the Forever Dog Podcast

0:11

Network. Each week, we're bringing you a topic

0:13

or a theme related to queer life to the family

0:15

dinner table to weigh in, deliberate, and discuss

0:18

the right thing to do. The smart thing

0:20

to do and the dumb thing we know is dumb,

0:22

but we'll probably end up doing anyway. Hey,

0:24

we never said we were perfect. I am

0:26

perfect. it. Okay. We'll be talking

0:28

about everything from our own dating

0:30

lives, sex Elves, to

0:32

dealing with family and trends IRL,

0:34

then we'll invite you our stunningly

0:37

gorgeous listeners. To join in on the family

0:39

conversation by answering any of your questions and

0:41

dilemmas, listen to chosen family podcast

0:44

every Wednesday on Apple Podcast, Spotify,

0:46

or wherever you get your podcast. You can also

0:48

watch every episode on YouTube to get the full

0:51

family experience. Enjoy.

0:55

Hey, Tom Thrilling here, the host

0:57

of the best show. And if you've never heard

0:59

of the best show before, everything you need

1:01

to know is right there in the title. Each

1:03

week we put on the best live podcast

1:06

you're ever gonna hear featuring live

1:08

callers, celebrity guests, music,

1:11

plenty of surprises, Who

1:13

knows what's gonna happen? Last month alone,

1:15

we were joined by Conan O'Brien,

1:18

Patricia Arquette, Jeff Tweedie

1:20

from Wilco, Nathan Fielders, Senana

1:22

Arquette's job Oliver, the list goes

1:24

on and on. So what are you waiting

1:26

for? Join us live every Tuesday

1:28

night on Twitch at six PM Pacific

1:31

Time. and find us the next day on

1:33

the Forever Dog Podcast Network and wherever

1:35

you find podcasts.

1:43

It's time for some little ones to

1:45

dream land and set your

1:47

Bodies dial to spooky.

1:50

Boke the doors, lock your windows,

1:53

and steal yourself a mysterious suspense

1:56

in this evening's final feature.

1:58

beyond belief.

1:59

Meet Frank and Sadie

2:02

Doyle, the toast of the upper crust,

2:04

headlines on the society pages,

2:06

penalious.

2:08

They see ghosts. Who

2:10

cares what he will lurks in the hearts of man?

2:13

Unless evil scaring the Martini

2:15

trade dirty.

2:18

Join the doilies as they walk beyond

2:21

belief in tonight's episode.

2:23

our bodies, our Elves.

2:28

Well,

2:28

here we are again.

2:30

Again, Do

2:31

you recall having ever been

2:33

at the base of this cobblestone walkway

2:36

leading through an expansive yard

2:38

featuring fountains and tropiaries to

2:41

A1234 story

2:43

nineteen twenties, if I'm not mistaken,

2:45

English Tudor style home.

2:48

This one, no, but a haunted

2:50

house is a haunted house.

2:52

Oh, Frank, are you certain it's haunted?

2:54

Well, I

2:55

have no recollection of arriving. Do you?

2:57

Come

2:58

to think of it. I don't. And

3:00

not just because of inebriation, I

3:03

simply do not recall how we've

3:05

come to be here. I

3:06

expect the same as true of these other two

3:08

as well. You

3:09

got that right. Me

3:11

wise anyway.

3:13

One minute I was doing I don't

3:15

remember what.

3:16

And now I'm whatever this

3:18

is here with you.

3:20

And

3:20

you are here with me.

3:23

Beyond us a locked gate, before

3:25

us a yard, a house, in

3:28

the windows, do you see

3:30

children or What?

3:32

Look like children?

3:35

What looks like children? Many

3:37

things that dolls, puppets, photographs

3:40

of children, photorealistic renderings

3:43

of children.

3:44

So four things

3:46

off the top of my head.

3:47

I take it to our justice suddenly

3:50

and unexpectedly here as the rest

3:52

of us. Oh, correct.

3:53

While it is not my

3:55

first experience with a group

3:57

of strangers unaware of

3:59

how they got to

3:59

new unfamiliar surroundings.

4:02

It is my first time being

4:05

amongst the strangers.

4:07

I have questions. I

4:10

will say the fact that we aren't

4:12

chained to each other is a positive sign.

4:14

Now I have questions.

4:16

All of both of

4:18

your questions may be about to be answered.

4:21

Look, at all,

4:22

Whoop. My questions

4:25

were about you.

4:26

As were mine.

4:27

You're interesting. Okay.

4:30

As I'm sure we all are. but

4:32

my interests are with our elegant host.

4:35

I imagine that is the

4:37

host emerging from the now

4:39

open door. and

4:40

look at him go. Some

4:43

assault, cartwheels, flippany

4:46

Bodies,

4:47

uparounds, general tumbling,

4:50

so spray

4:51

and all in a velvet suit.

4:53

bespoke by its look.

4:55

Dapper.

4:56

Energetic.

4:58

So you would think,

5:00

however,

5:00

whoa,

5:03

not as spy as assumed previously.

5:06

he stumbles as of suddenly

5:08

the rest of balance. Interesting.

5:12

Are you okay, sir? And here's your

5:14

cane, sir.

5:16

I'm here too, sir. It

5:18

appears nothing is as it

5:20

seems. These were not children

5:22

we spied in the windows, not

5:24

at all. will get to

5:26

it?

5:27

Will get to it. Step this

5:29

way, would you please, and state

5:31

your name. William

5:33

Ribbon junior. Of

5:35

course. Of course. And that makes you

5:37

Leo McGillicuddy. Call

5:39

me Mac. And so I shall

5:41

do just that, Mac. and

5:44

the estimable Frank and Sadie Doyle.

5:46

You come as I said,

5:47

don't you just?

5:49

We do just. Yes.

5:51

And

5:51

you are.

5:53

I am the humble proprietorship, a

5:56

favorite for young and old, and so it will please

5:58

you forward to know you've been selected

6:00

at random to receive the honor of a

6:02

tour

6:03

of Santa's workshop.

6:05

You're so youthful and slender to

6:08

be Santa

6:09

There is no actual Santa Claus. I

6:12

merely run the workshop. The

6:13

wizard of the workshop. The thematerge

6:16

of toys making the

6:18

God of gifts,

6:20

call me

6:22

Nick. As

6:23

in jolly old sinned,

6:25

I'm

6:28

no saint. No. I go by

6:30

many names. It's

6:31

one of them cringle.

6:33

None

6:33

of them are cringled. Now if you'll

6:36

indulge me, each of you gentlemen has

6:38

a golden ticket in your stocking that

6:40

entitles you and a guest to

6:42

tour the workshop.

6:43

Stocking. You you mean sock?

6:46

He doesn't need either.

6:48

Oh, yeah. Here we go.

6:51

Good wizarding there. Obsidazi,

6:53

I I mean, voila.

6:57

Frank, do you have a ticket hiding in

6:59

your garters?

6:59

Yes. Yes. Voila Voila.

7:03

Wonderful. I'll take those.

7:05

Doesn't it make everything so very official

7:07

and fine? Now, if you'll excuse

7:09

me, I must go make the final preparations

7:12

to your tour. Meanwhile, these

7:14

luminous androgynous beauties are

7:16

my cobble wobbles. They'll answer

7:18

any questions you may have and usher you

7:20

inside once it's

7:22

time. I do

7:23

have a question. Kabul wobbles.

7:27

Pellon, the fair is my name

7:29

and my aspect. I

7:31

am seros, the toy. Right?

7:33

And I am Caladria, skurge

7:35

of the second age. My

7:38

question stands. We

7:39

are of the first and eldest.

7:42

We are of the fairest and wisest.

7:45

We

7:45

have stood and bled and

7:47

mourned and gloried with Nick

7:49

the wizard at too many great

7:51

battles to list and one

7:53

bad one. Not

7:55

your standard Christmas elves.

7:58

overqualified to say the least.

8:00

We shine with the pure light of victory

8:03

and the victorious light of purity.

8:05

But

8:06

how nice for you? I'm sure.

8:08

I'm sorry. My question stands.

8:10

Kabbel wobbles.

8:12

We

8:12

too have many names. Mignard,

8:15

Tatiar, Nel yard, alvar,

8:17

Elves, brownies,

8:20

blondies, snickerdoodles, or

8:22

in Belgium, Smurfs.

8:24

Oompas, chumbas, lamas,

8:26

lompas, wombas, kinkies, Bodies,

8:29

winkies,

8:30

doopies, and goobies, and goobies,

8:33

tubbies, wubbies, and Matthew Gray Googlers.

8:37

Hubble, wobble, t

8:40

ten, Now is the time

8:42

to go and go in,

8:44

do as you told, and go

8:46

in go in.

8:48

Can I wait?

8:50

Why

8:50

not?

8:51

Many reasons I can think of.

8:53

None insurmountable by us,

8:56

surely.

8:56

Surely.

9:01

Hold your breath

9:03

to the couple bubbles of your

9:05

water.

9:06

Make a wish. Pout

9:09

to three. Would

9:11

you like

9:11

a water?

9:12

Come Jesus.

9:16

would you look at that? Get

9:18

a load of all of it.

9:20

Take a second and get an eye

9:22

full. Look at everything.

9:24

especially that holy

9:27

cow, like the holiest,

9:30

the pope of cows,

9:32

You

9:32

guys cobble wobbled

9:35

that.

9:36

We did.

9:45

That right there's the

9:47

train set of my

9:49

dreams when

9:50

I was but a little and

9:52

my life was more tumultuous

9:54

than any kid's life,

9:56

Ottawa, been I

9:57

got fascinated by kits and

9:59

models. And

9:59

most of all, train sets

10:02

gave

10:03

me some, you know, control over

10:05

my toys. I

10:06

didn't have over my

10:08

me. That

10:10

mountain,

10:11

that stream, that

10:14

post office, I swear.

10:16

This is like a crayon drawing

10:18

I made and had on the top of

10:20

my Christmas list for the whole of my

10:22

good jama

10:23

ears. You

10:24

never got it. Did you? I

10:27

always never did.

10:29

Well, stay on this side of the

10:31

ropes and watch the train unless,

10:33

of course, You want to

10:35

go with the controls? Wait,

10:38

but I do. The

10:40

ropes are for your protection. I

10:42

don't need no protection from no

10:44

toy train set of when I was

10:46

a kid dreams.

10:48

Then, by all means, ignore the

10:50

ropes only. Please don't. obviously,

10:53

I implore you to only ignore

10:55

the ropes at your peril or

10:56

at

10:57

your what? Mister,

11:00

III don't know what side, you're on

11:02

exactly, but I gotta get in

11:04

there and have a go. If

11:05

the warnings

11:06

in the ropes won't stop you,

11:08

I certainly can't. I

11:10

wouldn't. Better safe than sorry

11:12

sport. What's

11:13

the worst that could happen?

11:15

It

11:15

does rather feel for boarding

11:18

though, doesn't it? Did

11:19

I mention

11:20

which outcome is preferable in a contest

11:22

between safety and sorrow? feel like

11:24

I was talking to someone about that very thing.

11:27

You all got dark turns of

11:29

mind. You

11:29

think I get a magic invitation

11:32

by sock to come see

11:34

Santa's office, and I see a special

11:36

for me train set, and I'm gonna

11:38

skip a turn at the wheel. Then

11:40

you don't know me at all.

11:41

Well, he's got

11:43

us there.

11:45

No.

11:45

Stop. Don't. Hey,

11:47

rope. You ain't my boss.

11:50

nuts to you. Nuts, I

11:52

say, I defy

11:54

you. Look at me.

11:56

I'm doing it. train

11:58

controls.

11:59

Here I come. Here

12:03

I come.

12:06

I'm coming.

12:08

way right there.

12:10

It's kinda a hike to get to. If

12:12

I'm being honest, longer

12:14

than it looked other side of the

12:16

rope. How long have I been

12:18

at this? How far have I

12:20

walked here? Is it

12:22

just me or he getting smaller?

12:24

It

12:25

is not just you.

12:27

I'm

12:27

sure it's merely perspective.

12:29

That's one way to look at

12:31

controls

12:32

over over there.

12:33

On the other side of these, what

12:35

do we got? Train tracks?

12:39

Hang on. How

12:40

are they this size, perspective?

12:42

Nuh-uh.

12:43

Couldn't be.

12:46

I bet

12:46

it has something to do with our hosts,

12:48

Kain. It's smaller as well, like a

12:50

conductor's baton.

12:51

Or a wizard's

12:54

wand. Oh,

12:54

that. Interesting.

12:57

Well,

13:00

let me just get off of this.

13:02

Oh, no. Caught my

13:04

trouser leg there.

13:06

Now,

13:06

what's this coming down towards me

13:08

on this train track here? Oh,

13:12

jeez. Oh,

13:14

dear. Fortunately, You

13:16

catch

13:22

a train Cabble, wobble,

13:25

ringer, wobble,

13:27

ringer, ringer, is you?

13:29

You'll

13:30

be alright. He

13:31

got what he deserved.

13:33

Which is

13:33

it? And have

13:34

you gotten stockier? Please,

13:37

sir,

13:37

try closing your mouth more when you

13:39

ask questions. Hey,

13:44

folks. Do you enjoy

13:47

DND or role playing games?

13:49

Or enjoy this podcast that you're currently

13:51

listening to, the thrilling adventure hour.

13:53

If so, you'll love to

13:55

listen to the critical role of cast. It's

13:57

the home of a bunch of nerdy voice actors

13:59

playing tabletop, role playing

14:02

games. Like the thrilling adventure hour, it's a

14:04

thing they sort of sprung up naturally

14:06

and became a huge sensation

14:08

because of its charm, its wit,

14:11

and how much fun it is to

14:13

be a part of. A

14:15

bunch of friends in twenty twelve just

14:17

started playing RPG's in each other's living

14:19

rooms and it's evolved into a multi

14:21

platform entertainment sensation.

14:23

attracting over half a million viewers every

14:26

week. Your game master Matthew

14:28

Mercer will guide you through a world

14:30

of glorious imagination and

14:32

improvisation. with a group of

14:34

the finest, collaborative storytellers.

14:39

Listen to critical role wherever

14:41

you listen to podcasts.

14:51

Now, Nick, what did

14:54

that poor man do to deserve

14:56

that? You

14:56

heard how he pronounced interesting.

14:59

It was annoying. but

15:00

not a capital offense surely.

15:03

I

15:03

wouldn't be too sure results speak

15:05

for themselves loudly

15:08

top of their lungs, if you think about it. Now,

15:10

if I might direct your attention

15:13

this way. Oh, will you

15:15

look at this a pristine

15:17

condition single leaning car

15:19

from the very first roller coaster

15:21

I ever made, feel

15:23

itself. That's

15:24

right. it

15:26

ever the gimmicks, the joy buzzer,

15:28

the mind tingling, the face

15:30

eraser, the hotfoot, the

15:32

hate buzzer, the cold shoulder,

15:35

the Adam's measure, the

15:37

witch's eyeball, the force

15:39

majeure, the piano lesson,

15:41

the spinal countdown, the

15:43

rig page, the earier, the

15:46

entertainer. Oh,

15:47

mister Ribbon, it has all that

15:49

and more. You see, This car

15:52

is cobble wobble directly from

15:54

fear itself. That's right,

15:56

but it'll take you on a ride through

15:58

all that you've done.

15:59

showing me all what I've

16:02

done.

16:03

More than showing you everything

16:05

Elves

16:08

they breed

16:09

last

16:11

thing.

16:13

What have you done, mister

16:15

Ribbon?

16:16

Rod strokes are fine.

16:19

I'm

16:19

a three little merchants and a freight monger

16:21

from way back.

16:22

That asked and answered. At

16:24

first, it was roller coasters decked

16:26

out in novelties, gimmicks, and contrivances

16:29

to enhance the experience.

16:32

but did

16:32

they really haunted houses

16:34

was my game for a while.

16:36

I'm pay folks and jackpot to

16:38

stay overnight and then give them

16:40

the terrible lifetime

16:42

to get them to leave before they

16:44

could collect. Is

16:46

there a

16:46

living in that? Well, you'd be surprised.

16:49

I would be.

16:50

Yes. But that wasn't enough

16:52

for you, was it? I do

16:54

love to stay busy. by

16:56

which you mean escalates.

16:59

I

16:59

do not care for the sound of

17:01

this.

17:02

Nobody did. I did.

17:04

No

17:05

more invitations. No more invitations.

17:07

The incentive was to survive traps

17:09

built around razor wire, overwrought

17:12

scenarios, and perhaps worst of

17:14

all, a little

17:16

puppet host. Did

17:18

someone mention me?

17:20

You call the wobbled peppermint

17:23

tuxedo? He's a

17:25

murderer. He is a murderer. Yeah.

17:27

He is.

17:30

Come

17:30

on. ship next to old PT

17:32

and let Rigel warm

17:35

coaster, just

17:36

the two of us. Oh,

17:38

no. Thank you. I

17:40

promise you've got

17:42

nothing to fear. Except

17:45

fear itself?

17:47

The

17:47

name of the ride. I

17:48

recall. Lever, the

17:50

both of them. They do

17:52

deserve each other.

17:55

Cabon

17:55

ride the

17:57

ride. It'll be like

17:59

memory

17:59

lane but with a loopy loop.

18:02

I reap you what

18:05

you've shown. I

18:06

know what I've read. I've shown

18:08

it. I love the utterous of

18:10

fear. I mean,

18:11

not mine. Other peoples,

18:13

you see? You've

18:15

compiled so many others to

18:17

play your game. You'll

18:19

find me not so similarly pressed. You have

18:22

nothing to hold over me except

18:24

the apparent knowledge of my myriad

18:26

of ridiculously complicated death

18:28

traps. but what you have

18:30

no knowledge of is that I shouldn't

18:32

be blackmailed for I secretly long

18:34

to be discovered. I'm

18:37

seriously. I cannot

18:39

be compelled.

18:42

Wait. What am I still doing? Is someone

18:44

compelling me? Who has compelling

18:46

me? We

18:46

can stop.

18:48

Okay. Okay. You're

18:48

not stopping. I refuse to get

18:50

on a crack faster despite the

18:53

fact that I'm killing him.

18:56

providing this other road test.

18:59

Well

19:00

now that I'm

19:03

seated and buckled in, I Absolutely.

19:05

refuse to

19:05

be roller coaster. Stop

19:08

this incident.

19:13

He'll be

19:17

fine. We've got what he deserved.

19:25

That's that's okay. That's alright. Don't

19:27

finish the rhyme. We get it.

19:28

Yes. He was an elaborate murderer.

19:31

golf what he However, the other fellow

19:33

had an effectation. Orders of

19:35

magnitude different, wouldn't

19:38

you say? How

19:39

do you mean? One

19:40

man added syllables to one

19:43

word that we

19:44

know of. The other traffic in

19:47

human carnage spectaculars. What

19:49

exactly is your metric here? Then

19:50

what

19:51

did we do?

19:53

And are you even heavier and your

19:55

hair's gone white?

19:56

We can talk it all out, but

19:59

wouldn't you rather do

19:59

that over a

20:02

drink? Frank.

20:04

Look at all the

20:07

glorious knickers. Where did they all

20:09

come from?

20:09

More wand business.

20:11

Our

20:12

surroundings are well appointed. Would

20:14

you care to make an appointment? And with

20:16

how many bottles and from

20:18

how high a shelf

20:20

Shall we just bring them all? Don't

20:23

mind if we don't? We're

20:24

not cartoons.

20:26

You cannot. After what

20:29

we've seen, expect us to drink your drinks. We

20:31

have flasks.

20:34

But I said we have

20:36

flasks. You know

20:38

I can compel you to drink my drinks.

20:40

But

20:41

why? Yes. To

20:43

what end, all of this.

20:46

You really

20:46

want to know?

20:48

Ish. I

20:50

do. Sadie does.

20:51

You're both

20:52

versed in the worlds that live within

20:54

the shadows of this one.

20:56

Sure. But how

20:58

much do you know about the world that was

21:00

this world before this world

21:02

was this world?

21:03

Nothing. enough,

21:05

granting that there was one.

21:07

So what? We're

21:09

from

21:09

Elves,

21:11

wizards, and

21:13

we mean. to bring it

21:15

back. By killing

21:16

those fellows?

21:18

No. No. No. No.

21:21

No. Also, you too.

21:23

Boo.

21:24

I have to agree

21:26

with sadie here. Boo.

21:28

Your Santa

21:29

Claus is the Thrilling, a wizard

21:31

and housekeeper acceptable to your world.

21:33

if kill four people in his

21:36

name, then next I can kill sixteen

21:38

people. And on and on

21:40

and on until I fill

21:43

Christmas night with enough sacrifice

21:45

to bring about the end of this cycle

21:48

and reset this very

21:50

world.

21:51

Sure. With

21:53

every death, I take on his

21:55

jolly Belief form.

21:57

And tonight,

21:58

I

21:59

am become Santa

22:03

Claus was a destroyer of worlds.

22:06

Why

22:08

now? You could have

22:10

done this at any time one assumes.

22:12

You

22:12

would not going to like this.

22:15

Oh, trust me. I don't like any

22:17

of it. I bet him he

22:17

couldn't. A dollar,

22:19

which won't be worth anything when

22:21

this earth is too destroy.

22:23

But if you

22:25

can't do it, be

22:27

worth something. It'll be

22:28

worth a dollar.

22:40

Now,

22:40

would you like a drink on

22:43

your own? or be

22:45

compelled as this bottle is

22:47

compelled. It's

22:49

coring itself. meat

22:51

trick. If you like

22:52

that, how do you like this

22:55

one?

22:56

My face.

22:58

My drink. They've met just

23:01

now. And now

23:02

take.

23:04

My wand.

23:06

My wand.

23:08

Good

23:08

rock, wands

23:11

work with gestures so

23:13

small and with such precise

23:15

learning. thousands of your years,

23:17

you'll never conjure the smallest cough

23:19

out of that. You may as well give

23:21

it back before you turn yourself into

23:24

a little frog or

23:26

something. Frank is

23:27

a quick study.

23:30

Alright.

23:30

Go ahead.

23:32

See if you can. Intuit

23:34

a wand. 000

23:37

Am I doing this

23:39

right?

23:40

Ow. But please stop hitting

23:42

me. No. Am I intuiting it? How about

23:45

now? Oh,

23:45

Frank, do stop hitting him.

23:48

Give it here. No. Fine. You

23:50

hit him. No. I stop

23:53

him. My

23:54

what? My

23:55

two pieces of

23:57

wood.

23:58

Instead of the world

23:59

ending, Santa's

24:01

workshop is,

24:03

my

24:03

power is see.

24:06

I told you she'd do it. You were

24:09

right. What? What are you talking

24:11

about? But we had a dollar bet going

24:13

that Sadie would beat you.

24:13

We'd play together in a poker game.

24:15

So instead

24:17

of paying me a dollar,

24:19

you can just give it to him. And

24:21

this is for you,

24:24

young lady, One

24:24

dollar american.

24:26

We also play in a poker game.

24:28

We also bet a dollar

24:30

I would win. let see

24:32

that half a lawn while it still has some juice.

24:34

You're full.

24:35

It's unstable. You'll destroy

24:37

us all. No. I'll

24:39

Beyond Christmas gifts.

24:42

That is

24:44

you are good

24:46

at once.

24:48

Hi, I'm okay.

24:50

An

24:50

innocent, spared.

24:52

Oh, Frank, it's perfect. Let

24:54

me get you something.

24:56

Oh, what's that?

24:59

Home

24:59

safe and sound. Oh,

25:01

Merry

25:01

Christmas, sadistic. The

25:03

Mary is

25:04

Mary Frankenstein.

25:08

Hang on. We

25:08

play in separate poker games.

25:11

That's

25:11

right. In order to never

25:13

bluff each other, Frank and Sadie

25:16

Doyle play in poker games in different

25:18

rooms on the same night,

25:20

the first Tuesday of

25:22

the month. and else play in the poker games.

25:24

Maybe next Christmas we'll see one

25:27

until then. Merry

25:29

Christmas to all and

25:31

to all. a

25:34

good night.

25:39

forever.

25:39

This has been

25:42

a forever dog production.

25:45

Executive produced by Brett volume,

25:47

Joe and Alex Ramsay.

25:50

For more original podcasts, please

25:52

visit forever dog podcasts dot

25:54

com and subscribe to our shows on

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25:59

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26:02

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