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we hope you're enjoying these podcast episodes

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which came from that really fun show.

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arounds. Now, if you missed out

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exist at all. So go

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to patreon.com/thrilling adventure hour to pledge

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only five dollars per month to

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access everything that the work juice

2:11

corporation has to offer. Look

2:22

in the distance up at the

2:24

horizon, is that a lightning bolt? No!

2:29

Is it some

2:31

sort of shooting star or comet?

2:36

No! It's Captain

2:39

Lazybe! Hmmm... Yay!

2:51

Captain Tides of a hundred neighbors,

2:53

who would Captain Lazybe? What

2:57

gives his power is in all those

2:59

cases? Who would Captain Lazybe? He

3:02

would be right on time.

3:06

He'd heard a great little thunder,

3:08

crying, his hands in grub. What

3:12

does Lazybe mean to you, Captain?

3:15

Is that the smidgen, just to see a laser? Who

3:19

would Captain Lazybe? We're

3:22

getting anything that's right, Lazybe.

3:26

Who would Captain Lazybe?

3:28

Who would Captain Lazybe

3:30

mean? Who would

3:32

Captain Lazybe mean to you? Salutations

3:38

to the Adventure Cateers, and

3:40

welcome again to Legendary Creg

3:49

City, home to that high flying sign

3:51

of science, Captain Lazybe! Tonight's

3:57

episode, holiday cheer! Merry

4:02

Christmas to you, Philip Fathom. Love

4:05

the holiday sweater. The jingle

4:07

bell necklace really completes the look. But

4:10

do those bells not jingle? I

4:13

disarmed them. That

4:16

doesn't sound very merry. You

4:18

know what else isn't merry? Crime!

4:21

Which I can't combat if villains are alerted to

4:23

my presence. Did somebody say

4:26

presence? Not the way you mean!

4:30

Oh, more like you're mean. More

4:32

like I'm direct. Well, if it

4:34

isn't Adventure Gateers, Douglas and Kristen.

4:36

Hello, kids! Captain

4:38

Laserby! Captain Laserby! Just

4:47

what jolliness lurks, my young chums?

4:50

Was the fire marshal paid off to turn a blind

4:52

eye to the town square chestnut roast? Better!

4:57

Did the tinsel shortage abate just in time?

5:00

Better! Did this up? You'll

5:04

never guess. It's

5:06

time to ride the white elephant. Yippee.

5:12

Philip Fathom! I never took

5:14

you the... I never took you, the

5:16

sea's most vigilant vigilante, to go in for a

5:18

party with so many rules! I

5:21

love Christmas more than anything. Only

5:25

a fool doesn't believe in the magic of Christmas.

5:28

Then I guess I'm a fool. No

5:34

one's arguing? Okay.

5:39

I don't hate Christmas per se,

5:42

but as a science-based hero,

5:44

I must point out that magic in

5:46

any form is not but children's ooey.

5:49

I love hooey! Let's start!

5:52

Let the hooey begin, as all

5:56

hooies do, with the

5:58

rules. Everyone

6:02

brought a wrapped gift, and the

6:04

first person opens one. Then the

6:06

next person can either steal that

6:08

gift or take another

6:10

wrapped one. But they

6:12

don't know what it's gonna be. Don't they?

6:16

That purple-wrapped box is a Santa candle in

6:18

the shape of a white elephant in the

6:20

scent of an African forest elephant. Very

6:22

clever, Douglas. Oh, thanks, Philip Fathoms,

6:24

but, uh... That box is a bomb.

6:27

I'll take care of it! It

6:31

was a bath bomb. Gingerbread

6:40

scented. Along

6:43

with other holiday-themed bath products, including

6:45

a Christmas tree-shaped loofah. Well,

6:48

thank goodness it's been destroyed, then! Masks

6:52

are for children. Uh,

6:56

maybe...maybe it'd be cool if they unwrapped it. That

6:58

box is a framed picture of all the adventure caters.

7:02

Sweet. And

7:04

that giant box has...a coffee

7:07

shop gift card. Lazy. I'll take it.

7:11

That was fun! Merry Christmas! Leaping

7:16

laser beams! It's

7:18

the Adventure Cathere distress call! But...we're

7:21

all here. The clubhouse has

7:23

had a security breach in that room over

7:26

there! So long and

7:28

away! Captain

7:31

laser beams takes one step faster than

7:33

a thousand hummingbirds to the room next

7:35

to this one. Great

7:40

Caesar's greetings! Someone

7:43

has left an avalanche of suspicious packages

7:45

by the clubhouse fireplace! Yay!

7:49

No! Boo! The

7:52

presence of these presents means that

7:54

someone invaded the clubhouse countermeasures! And

7:57

I bet it's the same someone who ate the cooch!

8:00

I laughed! Clock! Soothe

8:02

footprint! Boots! Size

8:04

9! Soothe from... Inside

8:08

the Cobhouse fireplace. Do

8:12

you... Yes. No

8:15

individual fireplace? Yes. Bite,

8:19

hey? Of course I do! Why?

8:24

Because I fight crime. I

8:28

fight crime too. My

8:31

laser scan backs up Philip Fabin's assessment. What laser

8:33

scan? You

8:35

should sweep that set up, Douglas. Me? Why me? Because

8:39

I spent all day baking and decorating

8:41

while you worked on your Christmas list.

8:43

Hey, if I don't make a Christmas list, how

8:45

will anyone know that I want an official Captain Laser

8:47

Beam laser action 200 laser range model air laser? Those

8:51

are for 15 and older! You'll

8:53

laser your eye out! Kristen

8:57

is right, Douglas. I blasted

8:59

a laser right into my eye the first time I

9:01

got a laser. It fixed

9:03

my astigmatism. There

9:06

was no falling back out of love with lasers then. Wait,

9:11

what's the last one there? Now,

9:14

back to the mystery of who broke into the clubhouse

9:16

and left these packages. It's not a mystery. Was

9:19

it Ivana Hippopotamus with her unreasonable

9:21

demands? For

9:24

destruction? No. Nor

9:27

was it major danger, nor Chris Kringle.

9:32

It was the champion of the chimney, the

9:34

hero of the heart, and it

9:36

was Santa Claus Man. Santa

9:39

Claus Man? I thought he

9:41

was a myth, like you, Philip Fabin,

9:43

when I first heard about you. Oh,

9:48

Santa Man's applause. Santa

9:50

Claus Man. Rather, Santa Claus Man. Thanks, Kristen.

9:52

I'm here for you. He exists. He

9:58

not just exists. He

10:00

delivers presents and justice to good

10:02

kids and bad criminals, effectively. Yeah,

10:04

they say that even though all of

10:06

Earth is his turf, that his Santa Claus cave is

10:08

just out of Apex City in North Polopolis. I

10:13

thought he only worked one night a

10:15

year, but it's Christmas Eve Day,

10:18

and he's left these gifts. Trespassed,

10:20

you mean. I'd

10:23

better have a chat with this Santa Claus

10:25

man. Oh, please, please, don't mention us

10:27

and jeopardize our prisons. I

10:29

absolutely will. What if

10:32

he escalates? What if he already has?

10:35

I mean, he's already expanded his hours. He's

10:38

stuck into an impenetrable sanctuary and left what,

10:40

for all we know, could be the most

10:42

dangerous games. These presents aren't

10:44

dangerous. That one's a difficult baked

10:46

oven. He

10:56

got my letter! Just

11:00

because he obeys mail now doesn't mean

11:02

he's not potential menace later. You're

11:04

just mad because he ate cookies you intended

11:07

to eat. I'm going

11:09

to talk to Santa Claus man, and then

11:11

I'll know if he's bad or good, and if

11:13

I need to jail him for the sake of

11:15

goodness. So long and away!

11:20

Meanwhile, deep in Santa Claus man's

11:23

underground workshop in the heart of

11:25

North Polopolis. Gather

11:33

round. Elves

11:35

of the night as we bring our Yulong

11:38

preparations to fruition. Tonight, under

11:41

cover of no slight, we

11:43

shall deliver. He

11:46

loves presents.

11:48

Yes! Tonight, we

11:50

strike fellowship into the hearts of

11:53

all mankind. Moo!

11:55

Ho ho ho! When

12:04

crime appears upon the scene,

12:06

so does Captain Laserbeam! Captain

12:13

Laserbeam! Here

12:15

to ring your bell, you red-suited evil-doer!

12:18

I know that you've been naughty.

12:20

I'm nice. Oh

12:23

yeah? Yeah.

12:28

Oh yeah? Yeah. If

12:35

you are so nice, then what is

12:37

this? It's an official

12:39

Captain Laserbeam LaserAction 200 Laser Range Model

12:41

Air Laser. It looks like a

12:44

weapon! Exactly like a weapon, yes. It's

12:46

straight from our list. Do you want to see the

12:48

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12:50

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only thing I want to see is

13:50

justice. Ho

13:53

ho nope. You... You

13:57

dodged my lasers! Just by touching your

13:59

eye. I felt my Santa

14:01

sense jingling. And now, Captain

14:03

Laserbeam, I've got something

14:06

for you. No! Inside

14:08

this box is exactly what you deserve.

14:11

Keep that death trap away from me, old

14:14

man! It's no death trap. If anything, it's

14:16

a mirth trap. No,

14:19

that's not it. It's

14:22

close. I'll find it. Alright, that's not important.

14:25

What is important is that this box is full of

14:28

Christmas cheer. Ah!

14:32

No! Hey! Arm!

14:36

Tingling! Heart!

14:38

Throwing! Yes? One

14:41

side! That's right. I

14:43

don't always bring people what they ask for. Two sizes!

14:45

Yep. Hurts so

14:47

bad! So bad. Against my sternum!

14:50

But I do always bring them what

14:52

they need. Make it! No!

14:54

No! Three sizes! Okay.

14:58

Too much! Heart could

15:00

explode! Must stop

15:02

it! But how? Did

15:05

somebody say present? Present.

15:08

Present. Memory

15:10

of adventure continues. Helping

15:14

what Douglas has ever just not

15:16

enough. Ouch.

15:23

Imagining Douglas's wounded pride helping

15:25

a little. But not enough!

15:30

Those are for 15 and older!

15:33

Older! Memory

15:37

of Christian, a lateral move. She's

15:41

usually so helpful! Me

15:45

more! You're

15:51

just mad because he ate your cookies. Cookies?

15:55

Ooh! Memory

15:58

of Philip Fathom is correct! Those

16:02

were my

16:05

cookies! What?

16:09

No, you've broken from my gift

16:12

trap. Impossible! Nothing's

16:14

impossible to Captain Laser Beam, except

16:17

giving up. Now

16:19

you'd better watch out, Santa Claus

16:22

man, because every time a bell

16:24

rings, a Captain's Fleeze Laser zings!

16:28

Freeze, Laser! Oh!

16:31

Temperatures at North Paulopolis seldom rise above

16:33

frosty, plus this suit is designed for

16:35

sub-zero temperatures. Also, I've

16:37

got this insulated face beard. Well,

16:42

if I can't freeze you, maybe

16:44

I can deck your halls with a

16:46

Laser Fast Laser Punch! You

16:55

knocked out Santa Claus man!

16:57

You know how... dangerous

17:00

that is? Make

17:02

a hole, Captain

17:04

Laser Beam. We

17:07

need to help

17:09

him. Clear! He's...he's...he's

17:11

just a jolly old man!

17:15

Was he, though? He committed a B&D.

17:18

To leave presents! He

17:21

stole cookies! He was

17:24

gifted cookies! Did

17:26

he even fight crime? Of

17:28

course he did! Oh yeah? Who

17:31

were his villains? He

17:34

grapples with all of the

17:36

winter holiday-themed villains. Like

17:38

who? Want me to

17:40

name them? Yes!

17:45

Name all of them! Okay!

17:51

There's the Jolly Good Felon,

17:54

the Christmas Stalker, the

17:56

Advent Challenger, the

17:59

Fruit King, and the the time

18:02

traveler's wife, Dr.

18:04

Frankincense, the mer-der-er.

18:09

Rudolph the blood-soaked

18:11

pain-deer, Julian

18:14

Callender, the

18:17

stalking snuffer, the

18:20

ugly sweater, the

18:22

Christmas safe-cracker, the douche de

18:24

Noel, St.

18:27

Tricolas, the Bethlehem burglar,

18:33

the Hanukonda. Is

18:36

that all of them? Of course

18:39

not. Go

18:42

on then. Judas

18:45

Maccabee, the

18:48

regiftimator, the

18:50

three scrooges, the

18:53

royal cannon bombs, the

18:56

eight crazy knights with a K,

19:00

the falalala larcenist, Carol

19:04

of the Hell, Grifter

19:07

the Magi, the big

19:09

man on Krampus, the

19:13

sugar plum scary, the

19:15

vermin berry, egg noggin,

19:18

Biggie Puddin, the

19:27

Decemberist, Boxing

19:32

Dave, Well,

19:35

that's more than I thought there would

19:37

be. Crudy Garland, Bing

19:41

Crosby, Gimme

19:43

Stewart, the elf

19:46

defeatist, Frosty

19:49

the conman, Bad King

19:52

Winston's log, the

19:54

damnation army, the gingerbread man

19:57

of Alcatraz, The

20:00

naughty list goes on

20:02

and on and on. We

20:11

forgot the dreidel, Robert. Not

20:16

to mention the good he's done in the

20:18

past and continues to do in the present,

20:20

which, thanks to the Dickens

20:22

machine, we don't have to mention. Look.

20:28

Oh, my Christmas is past.

20:31

Mommy and Daddy with their nog and toddies.

20:34

The butler hang stockings on

20:37

all the fireplaces and not getting

20:39

the day off, which is why his wife left him. And

20:43

now, my Christmas present. I'm

20:47

just watching me watch myself. It's

20:52

like when you put a mirror in front of a mirror. Neat!

20:57

Your Dickens machine is swell. But

21:01

what of my Christmas future? Why,

21:04

that's up to you. I

21:07

didn't realize that Santa Claus Man did so much

21:09

good. Get

21:12

me 30 cc's of sugarplums, stat. Is

21:16

there still time? There must be. What

21:19

have I done? I'm

21:21

so sorry. Hold on, Santa

21:23

Claus Man. Please! You can do

21:25

it. I believe in

21:28

you. You're doing

21:30

it, Captain Lacer Bean. You're saving

21:32

him. Of course I am. I

21:36

believe in you, Santa Claus Man. I

21:39

believe in you. Merry

21:44

Christmas. I

21:49

did it! I saved

21:52

Christmas. You

21:55

surely did, Captain Lacer Bean. Thank

21:57

you. Hearing that you believed in

21:59

me. is all that I needed. I

22:03

do believe in you, Santa Claus man, especially

22:05

now that it's not an act of faith so

22:10

much as an observed phenomenon no more unusual than

22:12

any other

22:14

superheroes that protect the streets and skies of Apex

22:16

City, like Johann Sebastian Klock

22:18

and his time-bending melodies. Ha

22:21

ha ha. Science

22:24

or Christmas magic, who can

22:26

know? Science. No way

22:28

to tell. It's science for short.

22:30

Any magic sufficiently advanced looks exactly

22:32

like science. So the reindeer.

22:35

Laser powered or what? I mean, that's how I do

22:37

it. Magic.

22:41

OK. Keep your secrets. Your

22:44

science secrets. So

22:46

I still have a lot of Christmas goodwill

22:48

to spread. And I

22:51

don't know. I think I might still be a

22:53

little concussed. Well, I

22:55

tell you not to go to sleep, but you probably

22:57

weren't going to do that tonight anyway. No. Uh,

23:00

maybe someone should go with you in

23:02

your sleigh tonight, Santa Claus man. You

23:05

know, I was thinking the very same

23:07

thing. Team up. Let

23:10

me see. I mean, let me see

23:12

if I can move some things around. Between crime

23:14

fighting and my secret identity, I keep a tight

23:16

schedule. But you killed me for

23:18

a few minutes. You're lucky I'm only

23:21

putting coal in your stogging. Yeah,

23:24

I was thinking there's probably

23:26

someone. Or someone who

23:28

believed in you before, you know. You

23:30

know you're right, elves. Philip

23:33

Fathom? Exactly. Philip Fathom

23:35

loves Christmas more than anyone.

23:39

Not everyone. I'll

23:41

signal him with my secret. Oh, he's already

23:43

here. He's here. Yeah. I

23:47

didn't even hear you come in. Stealth

23:49

balls. Ooh, stealth

23:51

balls. That would be good for a silent

23:53

night. I'm always worried about

23:55

waking up the kiddos. I'll make you

23:57

a theft. Would

24:00

you like any particular presents in return, Philip Fathom?

24:04

My parents. We

24:16

should probably get going. Yep,

24:20

we will just be right here, I

24:23

guess. Yeah, same

24:25

as every Christmas. Yep. Say,

24:29

how would you like to come back

24:31

to the Adventure Couture Clubhouse with me? I

24:33

bet Douglas and Kristen would love to meet

24:36

real Christmas elves. Oh,

24:38

we're not real Christmas elves. No,

24:40

we were made into these creatures in

24:42

a Christmas magic-bratory by Christmas magic-tists in

24:44

white lab coats. I

24:47

mean, Christmas magic lab coats.

24:50

What did you used to be? I

24:56

don't remember. I

24:59

don't remember anything before the Endless Christmas.

25:01

And you never will, and we're off

25:03

so long and away! Merry

25:07

Christmas to all, and to all of

25:09

your knights. I'm

25:11

not going to the final moment of my Christmas

25:13

night at the 20th century! Can't you hear me?

25:16

Until next time,

25:18

sayonara, solid citizens. My

25:53

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