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Ladies and gentlemen, the great Jessica Kirs is with us.

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Turn me down. I'm a little hot in these headphones.

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This is a little loud. Thank you. Thank you. It's

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Easter Sunday. This will be released in a week

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or two because I'll be in Europe. And you

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were trying to get here. Did the driver who

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told you that there was a Transprade on

0:17

Fifth Avenue, did he just think the Easter Parade

0:19

was the Transprade? Because the Easter

0:21

Parade, everyone wears bonnets and looks crazy.

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Right. I think he just thought that

0:26

was the Transprade. I

0:28

think that- Maybe there were two parades. Well, he

0:30

also said it's some kind of Indian holiday too.

0:33

I think he's on acid. Honestly,

0:36

there was no Uber driver. I'm

0:40

joking. No, if I saw

0:42

people with those crazy hats, I would go,

0:45

oh, it's a Transprade. Oh my

0:47

God. Is that the Easter Parade? This

0:49

is the Easter Parade. That person needs

0:51

to be killed. Why is that person

0:53

wearing that hat? Is that

0:55

a hat? Yeah, they all have funny hats

0:58

and Easter bonnets. That's dumb. Why? What is

1:00

that? Well, this is the whole thing. It's Easter.

1:02

They all wear bonnets. But that's not a

1:04

bonnet. That's a fucking tree. Well, everybody's getting

1:06

creative. That's not creative. That's

1:08

mentally ill. I mean, I'm mentally ill, but

1:10

that's like, you need to be in a

1:12

home. This is what he thought the Transprade was,

1:14

I think. I think so too. I think he

1:17

saw this and he was like, this has to be

1:19

the Transprade. It does not look

1:21

like an Easter Parade. It

1:23

looks more like a Transprade than an

1:26

Easter Parade. Yeah,

1:28

but everyone in Easter Parade was wearing chaps

1:31

and heels. So I don't know. It might have

1:33

been a little confusing. It might have been confusing.

1:37

I just, because I guess

1:39

they've made Transvisibility Day Easter. I

1:41

don't really understand. When did that happen?

1:43

I don't know. It happened recently. Biden

1:46

did it recently and people are angry. Oh, what

1:48

was Biden's doing? Oh, was it? Was

1:51

it? Oh, it's an annual event

1:53

occurring every March 31st since 2009. It

1:57

just happened. And by the way, it's Easter. Is

2:00

Easter the same day every year? No.

2:02

Okay. So it's an invented thing

2:04

that people are mad about. It just so

2:07

happened that this year, Right. you

2:09

had the trans day visibility and Easter

2:11

at the same time. But then why

2:13

are people so upset about it?

2:15

Because people want to be. Well

2:17

you know who's the most upset about

2:19

it? Is Caitlyn Jenner who's fucking transgender.

2:22

You know what? Get your dick put

2:24

back on and make

2:26

a bigger statement. Yeah. Does she have

2:28

a dick? I think it's gone. Why?

2:31

Well I- She seems pretty angry. I

2:33

think she has a dick. I've heard

2:35

that it was taken. By

2:38

who? Like a thief? Did someone mug

2:40

her and- Well there's a lot of home

2:42

invasions in LA right now. Did

2:45

a squatter take her dick? There's a lot of-

2:47

There's a lot of crime happening. So I

2:49

think somebody went into her

2:51

Malibu house and grabbed- Took her dick, her fucking

2:53

trophies, and a slipper? Yeah. What did they take?

2:56

Like a thief in the night. Her genitals

2:58

were not removed but rather rearranged- What?

3:01

Into a form consistent with being a woman.

3:03

They were put into a cross. Well they make-

3:05

Because she's so religious. They took her dick in her

3:07

balls and made him do a cross. And

3:13

this- And today she's- You think she had

3:15

a Republican trans- Like a doctor, like a

3:18

Republican trans- I hope she went to like-

3:20

She had a Nazi put them on. Yeah

3:22

I hope she went to like a guy

3:24

who was like, you know, like angrily doing

3:26

it. Oh yeah. Like fucking like, I put

3:28

your dick into cross. Get

3:31

on the train. I hate it too but we

3:33

need to do it quickly and quietly. I

3:36

hate myself also but let me just- Crap it off.

3:38

Crap it off. Quietly. There's things I

3:40

like about her. Caitlyn came to my Christmas party in LA.

3:43

Really? Yes and she was lovely, she was fun,

3:45

she showed everyone her plane. Her

3:47

plane? She flies a little plane around Malibu.

3:51

She's a real life superhero, Jessica. What

3:55

is the plane she says? What's the thing? Look, there

3:57

she is right there. Can you imagine she's in the

3:59

wrong way? Does it have a top like it? There's

4:01

no top on it She

4:04

likes seven too. She's huge. Yeah,

4:06

she's very robust. Yeah,

4:08

she's a robust woman Wow,

4:10

and she is what's her girlfriend look like?

4:13

I'm sorry I just have a she's a her because

4:15

she's almost so big. No, of course I get it

4:17

She was against gay marriage. But by the way, here's

4:19

the thing She said I am

4:21

against gay marriage because I'm an old-fashioned girl It's

4:23

the funniest thing that's ever been said old-fashioned

4:25

girl is amazing to me I

4:28

just can't not like her because I

4:31

understand that I

4:33

get it. I get it. Oh, seven feet tall

4:35

of you With

4:37

these big size 15 Christian LaBoutin's

4:40

on that are like her hands look like

4:42

the ones in the baseball You know that when you could

4:44

go in the baseball She

4:46

goes I'm an old-fashioned girl. Look at her right there.

4:48

Get that up. She's fueling up her plane Can you

4:51

please get up the photo of her fueling? Size

4:53

of a plane just standing

4:56

not going vertical. It's not a

4:58

superhero She's fueling up her plane and she

5:00

just flies it around Malibu Looking

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for gay marriages to fly over But

5:12

it's a very what a wildlife can

5:14

I see it can I see

5:16

a picture of her beard Her

5:18

wife, yeah actual she's not

5:20

married. She's against it No, she has

5:23

her partner is a lovely woman who also came

5:25

to the Christmas party Oh,

5:27

of course, her partner

5:29

and magga influencer her

5:31

partner's trans trans magga

5:33

influencer This is the foot. I'm

5:35

sorry. Merry Christmas and happy new year.

5:38

Wait, her partner was a man and is now a

5:40

woman That is correct I'm

5:43

I'm this In a

5:45

case I mean she's

5:47

beautiful. She's incredibly attractive. Look

5:49

at her face right now Caitlin Is she

5:51

shitting look at her face? Yeah. Well,

5:54

she's very proud. Maybe that's part

5:56

of their whole kink that she's never really I love

5:58

the back of the step and repeat This is

6:00

Beverly Hills IV therapy. This is

6:02

incredible. Then it's a face forward

6:04

international Well, her face is forward. I

6:06

mean she's shitting in that picture She's

6:11

an interesting woman she's definitely

6:14

not traditional traditional

6:17

So what is she saying? You think they can we get up

6:19

the tweet about stay half to see sir. They

6:22

shear a Hot

6:24

number she's got there. Yeah, I

6:26

mean I the the woman she's

6:28

with is stunning. She's very pretty

6:31

pregnant No

6:34

Against that she's against all of

6:36

it. She's against everything trans and

6:38

gay. I know it's very interesting. It's

6:40

like me Like it's

6:43

it's like you being well. I mean

6:45

we're both homophobic. We I mean I'm

6:47

internally homophobic Relatively home. I'm

6:49

not homophobic against my homophobic against people

6:52

that are under like 30 every

6:55

gay person that's been born at her

6:57

like I just if you're like 16,

6:59

I'm homophobic because like You're

7:01

just a lot the younger gay people are

7:03

a lot And I love

7:05

them because you know you have to love

7:07

everyone, but there are a lot the younger people are

7:10

a lot I'm not homophobic against

7:12

other people. I'm homophobic against myself

7:15

Because I feel like I'm a sinner, but I

7:17

am a home I'm not home of

7:19

I hate when people tell me I need to call

7:22

myself queer because I hate that word This is why

7:24

the young people are annoying. I don't care if you

7:26

call yourself Like

7:28

you need to call yourself queer. I'm like

7:31

you've touched a girl's shoulder. Okay, right you

7:33

are not I fucking marched I fist I

7:35

have I've had been married have children like

7:37

don't tell me I'm up like one of

7:39

the first people who know I'm

7:41

old school like I first of all I've never marched

7:43

I can barely get out of bed I was just

7:45

gonna say where did you mark nowhere? I've never let

7:47

me know what her and what thing you marched out.

7:49

I will lie and say that I marched as well

7:52

Yeah, I'm like where did we put the garden City

7:54

Hotel brunch? I'm

7:56

I marched as well. I marched right from

7:58

the matred to the the table and then

8:01

right. To complain. I'm a Jew. I've only marched

8:03

to the major dean and said, I don't like

8:05

my chickens to Ellis. By the way, it's like, and

8:07

this is why I didn't last in Austin, Texas. You

8:10

need Jews to make things good because they

8:12

have to complain. You're right. Wasps don't complain.

8:14

I know. They don't even like to look

8:16

the waiter in the eye. You're right. The

8:18

wasps don't even like to acknowledge that they're

8:20

there in an establishment with people lower

8:22

than them. Jews will complain.

8:25

You need that. Elderly

8:27

people complain. Elder every elderly

8:29

person if they can speak, every

8:31

elderly person complains. That's right. All of

8:33

them. I have a joke. I had

8:35

dinner with my mother and she said, I don't like this

8:37

chicken salad. I'm like, it didn't even come yet. It's

8:40

in the kitchen and you're already complaining. They

8:45

love it. It's constant complaining.

8:47

It's all they do. Yeah. Because that's

8:49

what's left. But that's kind of like

8:52

Caitlin's what, 70? Caitlin's

8:55

74. She's

8:57

an elderly person. Look

9:00

at her face. Wait. 70

9:03

for it. She really honestly. He's 70 for

9:05

Jessica. I have no obviously

9:07

I have no issue with the trans. I

9:09

think trans women are hot like a lot

9:12

of them are fucking hot. But

9:14

I the fact that she is homophobic

9:16

in so many ways. Well, yes, it

9:18

is very funny. Is insane.

9:21

But it's it's interesting because not

9:23

all gay people and trans people will

9:25

get along. And I guess

9:27

Caitlin Jenner. She's also 74. Right. I

9:32

mean, here's the other thing. She's

9:35

old. Right. She's

9:37

like an old person. Well,

9:40

I know. But she's Hollywood like

9:42

she's been around. Yes. So

9:44

it's I think she does a lot to

9:47

be in the spotlight. And she's and she

9:49

really believes everything she's saying. Come on. I

9:52

don't know. Here. There

9:54

she goes. I'll say it retarded. That is

9:56

the funniest thing. What? But

10:01

this is a fun, you know, I think

10:03

she's fun. I don't

10:07

know what's going on. I know you think

10:09

it's fun. I get it. There are, but

10:11

there are so many. But she's not the

10:13

president. I get it. She doesn't have any

10:15

power. She just flies a

10:17

plane every day. But there's a lot of

10:19

homophobic and anti-trans people who are getting off

10:21

on this. They love

10:23

it. But are they getting off

10:26

on her? They're thinking it's amazing

10:28

that a trans person is being

10:30

anti-trans and anti-gay. I think it's

10:32

kind of like a circus. Well,

10:35

I look at it as like it's part of the

10:37

circus. But it's funny to

10:40

me if you're homophobic and anti-trans

10:42

and that is your leader, that

10:44

is the funniest thing to me in the world. That

10:46

your leader is a seven-foot tall

10:50

Caitlyn Jenner. It's hilarious. Well.

10:54

But there's Ellen with her. Can we get

10:56

that up? Can we play that or is that going to be

10:58

good? Have you heard anything about Ellen? I mean... Yeah,

11:01

Ellen's not great, huh? No. Ellen

11:04

is an angry vagina. Why is she

11:06

so mad? Well, she doesn't

11:09

have enough money. She's

11:14

like a billionaire. Ellen?

11:17

I've heard so many things

11:19

about Ellen. I've never met her. Right. But

11:23

I've heard that she is just not a

11:25

nice person. I mean, I've heard that from

11:27

personal people who work for her. Not just

11:29

Reddit. And I know people who

11:31

have worked in major positions

11:34

for her on her television show. I know people that have worked

11:36

for her as well. I know a writer that works for her. Very

11:39

good friends who have worked in

11:41

major positions. She's tough. She's very

11:43

tough. And they've all

11:45

said the same things. I also

11:48

never liked the fact that she didn't have comics

11:50

on her show. Ever! She had like Amy Schumer,

11:52

I think. She did not have a lot of

11:55

comedians. And as a female comic, or

11:57

as a comic, period. Forget about female, male. I

12:01

would always have comics on I would always support

12:03

comics. She doesn't seem to like comics She doesn't

12:05

like I don't think she left first of all

12:07

she and she only likes clean comedy doesn't she

12:09

she wanted I was so does Bill Cosby who

12:11

rapes people but right? Or

12:14

maybe he doesn't like the Holocaust never happened.

12:16

You know I don't yeah, we're still waiting

12:18

on the info. Yeah, I don't know Well

12:21

it is it is weird that she never

12:23

had a lot of comics She only had

12:25

really a listers and then like she would

12:27

select like people that wrote Somebody

12:29

write a letter right is like my Well,

12:32

maybe if the comic would had one eye and

12:34

was dying of rectal cancer. Yeah, he might have Something

12:38

like that she'd go she'd go hey. We just got

12:40

a letter Yeah, like this this

12:42

comedian had one eye and rectal cancer, and

12:44

we're gonna give him a bike You

12:46

know that kind of and he can he

12:48

could they show up to his house Yeah,

12:50

be like his ass would be bleeding. I

12:52

have a tricycle outside. We're here for

12:54

you, and he'd be like My

12:58

comment way I try to call You

13:01

know something like that, but he never

13:03

she never had someone on like people

13:05

that were on their way out Yeah, of course

13:08

you like it was no competition to her

13:10

She liked people who were dying right only

13:12

they all like people who's gonna die because

13:14

it's less competition Yeah, they'll bring somebody out

13:16

on stage four They don't even

13:18

want a stage two they go bring somebody on stage. I

13:21

never someone is gonna be okay Let's give

13:23

him something and let's get him out of

13:25

here. Let's let's win. Let's get some good

13:27

good vibes from the audience We

13:35

want to have you on we

13:38

heard that your dad wishes to meet me

13:48

Well, we love you and you're

13:50

gonna you have a peaceful Tom

13:53

in heaven Oh

14:00

God. Have

14:07

you met Oprah? No, I would die if

14:09

I met Oprah. I really – she's one

14:11

of those people I would – I don't even think she's

14:13

real. I think she's just a wax-figure. She's one of

14:15

the few people that they

14:18

still retain that aura of like

14:20

crazy celebrity. Yeah. Where you're

14:22

like, God. I met Madonna

14:24

and I freaked out. I saw a Gail King

14:26

that won in first class and it did nothing

14:28

for me. That's Oprah's lover. It

14:30

is Oprah's lover, I know. It's clearly

14:33

Oprah's lover. A hundred

14:35

percent. A hundred percent. I've always thought

14:37

that. Of course. Yeah.

14:40

Of course. I also think

14:42

– I think Stedman and Charles Barkley are together. Yeah.

14:44

Is Stedman real? This guy that's – No.

14:48

I think he's just a tree. I don't know. Well,

14:50

it was just funny. It was like back then everybody

14:52

– like Rosie O'Donnell had a fake relationship with Tom

14:54

Cruise. Like everybody just

14:57

had to kind of just play

14:59

along. Yeah. Right. And everybody had

15:01

to kind of just, you know, be

15:04

that. I know. No.

15:06

They're definitely – are they holding hands in that

15:08

picture with Stedman in the back? No. Just

15:10

the angle. Oh. No, but they're lovers. Your

15:14

pointer thing was just on Oprah's nipple. That

15:17

was hot. Yeah. And Stedman

15:19

though. Look at Stedman looking out. Yeah.

15:21

He's like, why am I here? What did I choose

15:23

in my life? What a great job for a guy to get. Yeah.

15:26

I mean he – The Oprah's fake husband. Yeah. Husband. I know.

15:30

He's just living that big estate in

15:32

Montecito. I

15:34

mean, wow. I bet Oprah's the bottom. Oh,

15:38

for sure. Well, she's so – she's such a top

15:40

in life. Yeah. Exactly. I bet – He's

15:42

so – yeah. I bet Gail beats her with

15:44

self-help books. Oh, yeah. Well,

15:47

I think Gail dangles like a French patient

15:49

in front of her face. And

15:51

then says, you're a dirty little whore, and then throws

15:53

it out of the kitchen window. And then

15:56

Oprah just gets all, you know – Oprah's

15:59

the bottom. I love it at all. Oprah,

16:02

by the way, had 50 trainers, 45 chefs,

16:04

every diet she brought in. She

16:11

used to have this chef, Rosie, cooking with Rosie.

16:15

Then she had this other chef, and now

16:17

she's like, let's just do it. Shoot up. I

16:20

get it. Do it. Do it. Why

16:23

not? Why not? Listen. She

16:26

said every chef, you can...every chef. Didn't

16:30

she put an ax in her mouth once? I mean,

16:32

she's done everything. She's done everything that she can

16:34

do. They've locked her, throat

16:36

up. They've locked her. Kitchen.

16:41

Her house is so big in Montecito, she has

16:43

to drive to her kitchen. And she still does

16:46

it. She still gets in

16:48

her car and drives to her kitchen,

16:50

changes lanes, parks, and goes to the

16:52

refrigerator at 2 a.m. She cemented her

16:54

mouth shut once. Yeah. None

16:57

of it helps. None of it helps. She

17:00

hired Caitlyn Jenner to sit by the refrigerator with

17:02

a gun. Nothing will do it. She

17:04

once covered her mouth with Caitlyn Jenner's

17:06

penis, and it still didn't.

17:10

But I mean, that shows you. It's

17:12

like, I mean, look at that house. Get her house

17:14

up for a minute. I mean, that is

17:16

like a fairy tale. Oh, my God. Disney Palace over

17:18

there in Montecito. That is insane. That

17:22

is insane. And she just walks

17:24

the halls. She doesn't, though. Yeah.

17:27

She just, before

17:30

Elzempic, she didn't even walk to the bathroom.

17:32

But here's the thing. So what about her school? She

17:34

had owned a bunch of schools, and then they got in

17:36

trouble because the girls were being trafficked or something. She just

17:39

has a bad press. What happened? I

17:41

don't know. I heard there were a lot of flies there. Shortly

17:43

after the old girls' school opened in 2007, a

17:45

school matron, Virginia, Tiny Macapoe

17:47

was charged with sexual molesting several girls.

17:50

Tiny? That's not great. I

17:52

love that they're tiny. At the same time, Winfrey flew to South

17:54

Africa to offer a prayer. Yeah, but then some doctors... Was it

17:56

a little person that sexually molested... I'm gonna

17:59

fuck you! I was

18:01

a little tiny person. Follow the

18:03

little pussy. Follow the little... All

18:05

right, wait. Wait. Wait a

18:07

second. Was that what happened?

18:10

Oprah Winfrey Girls Academy in the spotlight

18:12

over claims of abuse of... Oh my... Power.

18:16

I don't know what... I don't remember this. She

18:18

has all these schools in like Africa

18:20

and then I think at these schools

18:23

they were having lots of problems. Well

18:25

her spiritual advisor also... When you get too

18:28

rich you get like a guru, you

18:30

get a spiritual advisor and it's way out

18:32

of control. And I

18:34

think her spiritual advisor went down for like

18:36

being like all spiritual advisors by the way,

18:39

like a serial rapist. You

18:42

know what I mean? This is just what happened. I

18:44

love that you just said all spiritual... Many of them

18:46

have that. No, you're right. Many of them have that

18:49

problem. All of these cults, it's the same. Oprah's

18:51

spiritual healer sends to 99 years

18:54

in prison for rape and trafficking.

18:57

Yeah, but look how hot he is. He calls himself John

18:59

of God. Yeah, I mean... I

19:02

think you... Is that my stepfather,

19:04

Hal? You

19:08

get so rich, like Oprah's gotten so rich, she's like,

19:11

I just gotta keep looking for the meaning of it.

19:13

One thing that shocks me is how easily taken

19:16

in rich people are by grifters. Did

19:19

you just read what it said? I totally agree

19:21

with you, but I'm sorry. Girls

19:23

were forced to have babies to sell. Oh.

19:27

He allegedly operated in Brazil running farms of young girls

19:30

were forced to have babies to sell. Victims

19:32

were often reported missing or murdered after 10 years

19:34

of giving birth per multiple outlets. Oh

19:36

my... This is the most

19:38

beautiful thing I've ever heard. And this is

19:40

Oprah's spiritual

19:43

advisor. She

19:45

endorsed him a decade ago. This

19:47

is unbelievably horrific. She said she hopes justice is

19:49

served. Isn't it funny? She

19:52

hopes. Justice is served. She hopes.

19:54

She's not gonna do anything about it, but she really hopes

19:56

it's taken care of. You think she'd go like, hey, I

19:58

was wrong on that one. Hey guys, like those

20:00

18 diets I recommended, I was wrong. My

20:06

spiritual advisor turned out to be a human trafficker

20:08

and all the chefs I brought on made me

20:10

thin. None of them worked either. Because

20:12

they all know how to make pancakes. You know she

20:15

would move them into the house, like literally they

20:17

would put, they would have these, my grandmother was like

20:20

the biggest Oprah fan every day at 4pm. She

20:23

watched Oprah. Like every Long Island woman

20:25

ever. And then Oprah would

20:28

be, she'd bring in these

20:30

chefs and she's like, this is the chef. And

20:32

it was like Chef Rosie or Chef whoever.

20:36

And then eventually they'd put

20:39

out a cookbook, they'd become millionaires.

20:41

Right. Multi-millionaires. And then Oprah,

20:43

I guess, then they would just get axed. I don't

20:45

know what happened. I

20:48

guess Oprah was just like, I'm sick of it.

20:50

Well she wouldn't lose weight. Maybe she ate them.

20:52

And then she wanted more food. She's

20:56

like, I want candy. Get the fuck out. Did

20:58

you ever read that Bethany Frankel book? You know,

21:00

The Housewife from New York. I texted with her

21:02

the other day. I'd never really spoken to her.

21:05

She's a friend of Whitney Cummings. She's a sweet woman. But

21:08

her book is like naturally thin and you read

21:10

the book and it's like, just

21:12

don't eat. Like that's the whole book.

21:14

I'm sorry. Listen. It's just so funny. That's

21:16

not OK. No, I know. She's like. I'm a

21:19

food addict. I'm an addict. We've said you and

21:21

I talked about this a million times. I'm

21:23

in recovery. I'm a food addict. I

21:25

can't have one piece of bread. I fuck

21:27

my face with bread. You talked about this

21:29

before. Some of don't eat. OK. Don't

21:31

do crack. Yeah. Don't do that. And she'll be

21:33

like, eat the rainbow. That's one of her rules.

21:35

She's like, eat the rainbow. Rainbow. I want to

21:37

find out because I love skittles. What does that mean?

21:40

Don't eat the rainbow. Eat different colored food. She's

21:42

like, then she has one where she goes,

21:44

what is everything? Eat nothing. And it's like,

21:46

OK, OK. I sorry. But you know

21:48

what? Can I do the show with her?

21:50

This is the dumbest thing I've ever heard

21:52

in my whole life. What?

21:56

Has she ever heard of addicts of addiction?

21:58

No, I think. I guess it's

22:01

advice for people that don't have any of

22:03

those issues. Okay, does she say

22:05

that? She needs to say that.

22:08

She might say it, but she might not. If she says it,

22:10

then I have no problem with it. If she doesn't say it,

22:12

it's not okay. This is like advice

22:14

for housewives that are bored. Okay, that's fine. But

22:18

if she needs to say that, because if it's for all women,

22:20

then it's offensive to people. Listen, ready?

22:24

It's all a misconception. Being naturally

22:26

thin isn't some state of being beyond your grasp. You just

22:28

have to make a few simple changes. Everyone's

22:31

naturally thin? Yeah, that's not true. It's

22:34

genetic. It's

22:36

not true. She goes, I

22:38

found the secrets. I got naturally thin for life, and I want

22:40

to share those secrets with you. I, I, I,

22:43

okay. I, I, My

22:46

mother had all the diets. My mother had everything.

22:50

Every diet known to man. You're not

22:52

naturally thin. A lot of it is what

22:55

you come from. Some people are. No,

22:58

I'm saying, I'm sorry. I should

23:00

not have said that. Some people are

23:02

born, and they're going to be thin. Yes.

23:06

A lot of it's genetic. Yes, a lot

23:08

of it is genetic. A lot. And

23:12

some people don't have to worry about it. They

23:14

don't have the issue. They don't

23:16

have the, but a lot of people have to think about it.

23:18

And the poison in the food system in America. Is

23:22

terrible. It's

23:24

horrific. And in

23:26

other countries, like the one I'm in right now, while people are watching this. They

23:28

are not allowed to put plastic and ranch dressing. Or like, they're not

23:30

even allowed to really have ranch dressing. But like, they're not allowed to

23:33

have the level of poison that we have. In the food. We

23:36

allow it. We

23:38

allow corporations to do anything they want. And if they

23:40

want to pollute food that children eat. They're

23:42

allowed to do it. In other countries, they

23:45

say no. In other countries, they don't have like cookie, I

23:48

don't know, I

23:51

don't know. They don't have like cookie, ice cream sandwich, breakfast

23:53

cereal. You know what I mean? Like

23:56

other countries will not have like waffles. I know. bacon

24:00

bomb breakfast cereal. They're not

24:03

allowed. It's Frankenfood. We have

24:05

Frankenfood. Our food doesn't even

24:08

make sense anymore. It's like

24:10

confusing. Like there was

24:12

a Dyrsa Denny's that was

24:14

salted caramel, bananas, foster pancakes,

24:18

steak, chicken fried

24:20

steak. It doesn't even sound good half

24:22

of it. No it doesn't. No

24:24

it's so Frankenfood. It's so weird. Yeah

24:26

peanut butter, lamb chop. Yeah. Frank. Too

24:31

many things that are going on at

24:34

once. I know because people are out of control

24:36

and I understand if you're okay right now in this

24:38

world there's something wrong. You're a killer. Well that's

24:40

true. There's something wrong with you. Full-on sociopath. Yeah.

24:43

You really are. But you know what? Just

24:45

listen to Bethany. Just don't eat. Well

24:48

taste the rainbow. Eat the rainbow. Okay. I'm

24:51

sure it works for some people. Of

24:53

course it does because they don't have a food

24:55

issue and they can just do that. Just like

24:58

someone can have one drink or a sip of

25:00

a... I... Okay. That would be like if

25:02

you've yes if you wrote a book about alcoholism

25:04

you said... It's the same thing. You try a

25:06

bunch of different wines. I don't eat bread.

25:08

I haven't had bread orally in three

25:10

years. Right. I have a Kaiser roll in

25:12

my asshole but I haven't had bread orally

25:16

in three years. I don't eat pasta. I don't

25:18

eat cookies. I don't eat... I can't. I

25:20

can't have one cookie. I will eat 846 of them in

25:22

a week. Right. It's addiction. Of course it

25:25

is. Yeah for sure. And that's how

25:27

I lost a ton of weight. I'm addicted

25:29

to food. Yeah. But some people... Are not.

25:31

Are not. They don't have to worry about it. Caitlyn

25:33

Jenner's not. No. She's addicted to

25:35

being homophobic. She might be the only

25:37

healthy person in this country. Caitlyn

25:40

Jenner. No. I think there's some other ones too.

25:43

I think there's a lot. She's

25:46

so... Who would you freak out to me?

25:48

I'm dying to ask you this. Oh interesting. Like

25:50

what's the... Like who's the... If there's one or

25:52

two or three. Woody Allen. Let me tell you why.

25:54

But let me tell you why. Because he's also a

25:56

child. But I want to know if he's guilty or not. I want

25:59

to look in his eye. and go, is

26:01

it a problem? Did you do it?

26:03

I think the extra – the

26:06

added thing of, like, yes, I grew up watching all of

26:08

his movies, and I think he's brilliant, but also

26:10

that added thing of meeting him and just trying to

26:12

make a judgment, like, do

26:14

you – right, right, right. If I looked in there, would

26:16

I see anything? But I don't know. Maybe I wouldn't know.

26:21

He's also one of those Oprah, like, figures to

26:23

me where, like, he's

26:26

only going to be on Earth for a little while longer.

26:28

He's kind of a

26:30

staple in New York, the city that I love and I grew up

26:32

in, like – Well, he's around a lot of kids, which makes you

26:34

young. Do you think he did it? Yes. Yeah,

26:38

it's not. I know. But I understand

26:40

when people – like, I don't judge people

26:42

for their opinions. Like, some people don't, and

26:44

I understand that. No, I was with him till, like, episodes three

26:46

or four in that documentary, and then that was the rough one.

26:48

Yeah. It was one episode

26:51

where I went, oh, no! Yeah. It's

26:53

like, fuck! Yeah. Everyone was like, but you've got to see

26:55

episode four or something, and then I'm like, okay. Yeah. And

26:58

then I watched it, and I was like, damn it, because

27:00

you don't want it to be true, obviously. Yeah.

27:03

Did you – who else? Anyone else? That I would freak

27:05

out to meet? Yeah. OJ Simpson, because

27:07

not only – no, I'm kidding. OJ,

27:11

who would I freak out to meet? Who would

27:13

I be – that it would be really

27:15

cool for me to meet? I

27:19

think it would be really cool to meet, like, David

27:21

Letterman, because I watched him every night when I could,

27:24

when I was younger. I never liked him. Interesting.

27:27

Never. I would always just have him on. I

27:29

think he's brilliant. I think he's really smart. Yeah.

27:31

But I think he – I think there's two

27:33

different kinds of comics, comic figures, who are takers

27:36

and givers, and I've always thought he's a taker.

27:38

Interesting. Yeah. I've

27:40

never – I never had any knowledge – You're a giver. I've always laughed

27:42

at you because of that. Yeah. I've

27:44

never had any knowledge of him other than he was this

27:46

guy that was a brilliant guy that I watched. He was

27:48

brilliant. I don't know. It's not so to be interesting to

27:50

me, because I'm fearing him. You never met him? I've never

27:52

met him. I'm kind of afraid of him. Are you fearing

27:54

him? In New York, you never met him. His wife's a

27:56

fan. His wife likes what I do on Instagram. Yeah, she

27:58

seems great. I've never – I've never – I've been in LA

28:00

for five years. And then I'm on

28:02

the road a lot. I'm like, LA and then on the road. And

28:04

I'm here occasionally. I'm here in the summers. I

28:07

might see them this summer. He'd be cool because, again,

28:09

these are people that you grow up watching. And

28:11

they take on, you know, David Spade

28:14

in LA that I hang out with Spade while at

28:16

dinner. He's amazing because I

28:18

grew up watching Spade. Yeah. It's

28:21

weird when you start hanging out with someone that you were a

28:23

fan of. That's really weird. It's

28:25

quite a career. That's really, really weird.

28:27

It's wild. Yeah. I mean, I

28:29

think someone who's a huge celebrity and you're like,

28:31

they're so normal and people freak out over them.

28:34

Yeah. Or you meet people and immediately

28:36

you're like, oh, like that would

28:38

have been great to not. Of

28:40

course. You know? I wish I didn't

28:42

know that. There's a lot. Yeah. Because

28:45

to me, I'm like,

28:47

a lot of people that I'm fans of, I don't need to

28:49

meet. I know. A lot of

28:51

great actors. I just, they're great. And I could leave

28:53

them. Yeah, I know. As actors

28:55

and they don't, you know? Yeah, I know.

28:57

It's not. I feel like the people who

29:00

are, not always, but for

29:02

the most part, the most famous are

29:04

the easier for me to be around. Sure. It's

29:07

like the people who are left. Because they're not hungry and dying.

29:09

Yeah. You know? People that

29:11

are kind of, you know, we were

29:14

in Nobu the other day. Taylor Swift, Jose DiCaprio was there.

29:17

Wow. Robert De Niro, who I know

29:19

you know. They were all there and then

29:21

we'll just, you know, and then people freak out over

29:23

them. But like, by the way, I think that's happening

29:25

less and less. I

29:27

think so too. It's not like it was.

29:29

It's not like it was. I think it's dying

29:32

down. I think ultimately the future is, you

29:34

know, it is that Andy Warhol quote, everyone

29:36

will be famous for 15 minutes. Yeah.

29:39

Now I have to ask you about Travis

29:41

and the fuck is her

29:43

name? Well, who is her

29:46

name? Oh my God. I'm forgetting

29:48

the most famous singer in the – Taylor. Travis

29:51

Kelsey and Taylor Swift. Yeah. I

29:53

think he's hot. And I don't even

29:55

– I'm not in – I mean, obviously. Yeah.

29:58

I'm not with men. Is he hot? I

30:00

mean, he seems he's gorgeous. I mean,

30:02

she's beautiful, but like. They're very pretty people.

30:05

Yeah. They seem happy. They seem

30:07

you know, I'm not a huge fan. I don't I

30:09

don't I think she's very talented, but it's not.

30:11

I've never been like a. I've

30:13

never been like head over heels. Oh, me too, because

30:16

she's too. It's I know too positive. Yeah,

30:19

it's fine. Yeah,

30:21

I feel good. I need

30:23

to be like, I'm dying in the corner,

30:26

slit in my wrist. You know, the 90s were

30:28

awesome, man. Yeah, weren't the 90s great. Amazing.

30:30

Every song was like, I killed

30:32

you. You killed me. We

30:35

killed each other in the kitchen. Every

30:38

song in the 90s was like, I'm not. I'm

30:40

not. I'm not. I'm

30:43

not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm

30:46

not. I was like, the 90s were

30:48

great. Burn me alive in

30:50

the kitchen. Burn me alive in

30:52

the temple of hell. That's what

30:55

I want. I want those bitches

30:57

back. Those fucking Fiona

30:59

apples and Tracy bottoms and

31:01

Alanis and

31:05

people that were just like a

31:07

drunk, a big crash, my car

31:09

into a wall. Yeah. You looked

31:12

at me with eyes of hatred

31:14

in the morning. My

31:17

daddy, you died with the guns in

31:19

your head. And now every song

31:21

is like we were

31:24

sitting on your porch and

31:27

we were drinking that tea that

31:29

your mother made. We were sitting

31:31

in my old car. I miss

31:33

that car. Everything's a nice, nice,

31:35

nice, nice, nice. Everything's nostalgia. Everyone

31:37

is so broken. All these whole

31:39

stores, a bunch of broken people

31:42

that want to relive summer camp at Camp

31:44

Onondaga when they first heard this crap. I

31:47

just can't. I just want like I

31:50

was alone when I was born and

31:52

I'll be alone when I die.

31:55

When I die. I

31:58

mean, please kill me. My

32:00

baby kill me Now

32:08

it's like my mother the bond that

32:10

we have is so simple simple like

32:12

the honey in the tree Let's

32:16

like it's also like very like

32:18

I get it cuz it's like the 80s are

32:20

back cuz we went too crazy Yeah, but it's

32:22

too positive. Everyone wants to die now. I'm

32:25

not real It's too

32:27

positive. It is very like

32:29

do you imagine singing like that about horrible things?

32:31

Here's what I guess In the Middle

32:34

East we're all gonna die I

32:40

think now and I've discussed this with

32:42

people my theory is that this is

32:44

the revenge of the basic Right,

32:46

right like the basic bitch and

32:49

it's not a gender thing. I know a lot of guys

32:51

that are basic bitches, too Yeah, don't give me that What

32:54

do you mean by that meaning? It's the

32:56

live left. Love ugg boot wearing

32:59

Oh kind of Nashville Burn

33:01

it all down like it's not really

33:04

basic kind of heavily

33:06

sedated somewhat medicated which

33:08

is fine, but like

33:12

You know what I mean? It's like very basic like

33:16

Like kind of white women energy like

33:18

offended at everything but not really and

33:20

then also like Very

33:22

basic there it is. There it is star,

33:25

but yeah, yes like Starbucks. It's

33:27

like it's the tick-tocks, too Yeah, it's

33:29

just very big. I think that people like

33:31

that now are a Ascendant

33:34

yeah, and the culture is reflecting that because

33:37

we went through this traumatic nightmare

33:39

hell Covid right. Yeah,

33:41

where we understand coming

33:44

through that people the

33:46

basic Has

33:48

back is back in his way because

33:50

everyone's trauma every podcast now is like

33:53

two girls and it's called avocados in

33:55

my cunt And

33:57

it's about gated pop by the

33:59

way I have an avocado in mind. And they're like,

34:01

there's nothing wrong with it, but it's just like it's two

34:03

women who discuss dating for

34:05

36 hours a week. And

34:10

they're like, oh my God. I just tell them like, if

34:12

they don't call me back, I'm like, don't

34:14

try me again. Because I'm not going to be ghosted. You know

34:16

what I mean? It's really about someone else.

34:19

I don't know. Right. It's

34:21

that. It's that. It's like,

34:24

you know, it's like, it's like,

34:26

welcome to bathroom talk. I'm Sarah

34:28

and this is Shauna. And

34:32

we're here. We have 1500

34:34

hours of content on our Patreon. If you

34:36

want to subscribe or we discuss what it's

34:38

like to get fisted and then have to

34:40

meet the guy's parents an hour later.

34:42

And it's like, I can

34:45

tell he's smelling his fist every time

34:47

at the rest. I'm like, so uncomfortable.

34:50

Fisted! We're going

34:52

on a live tour. It's called bathroom

34:55

talk live. Get those dates

34:57

and those cigarettes, prop open the

34:59

window. We're ditching biology and they're

35:01

billionaires, by the way. Billionaires are

35:04

selling at arenas. Billionaires. They're

35:06

billionaires. But it's the revenge of the basic

35:08

and God bless them and God love them. We

35:11

love them. We love them.

35:14

We love them. And it's just a revenge of the bad. As somebody

35:16

who looks at culture and finds it interesting, it's the kind of the

35:19

basic thing has returned. You

35:21

know, it's nice though. They like ass play. Yes.

35:24

Yeah. That's the

35:26

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38:31

like the burbs? You live in the burbs. Speaking

38:33

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38:37

I do. I like the greenery.

38:40

I like the lawns, the, you

38:42

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sure Islanders can transition to LA. I know I'm

39:20

not alone. I live there, but I'm not a

39:22

long Islanders for whatever reason can do it. Cause

39:24

I get it. The burbs. I love Jersey. We

39:27

love the burbs and LA is just the burbs.

39:29

So you can do it. I mean, I people

39:31

suck there, but people suck where I'm from. Right.

39:33

They do a lot of shit. I know where

39:35

you're from. You know where I'm from. I know

39:37

it very well. I live around there. It's very

39:39

similar to LA people. Yeah. Like

39:42

those Jappy girls and Jappy

39:44

guys and just all of us that tried

39:46

to be Jappy, but we were Catholics and

39:48

didn't have money. All of that in

39:50

LA, they're just Persian. I know. And then

39:52

people who want to be, it's the same

39:54

thing. Right. I mean, I love the weather

39:56

in LA is absolutely perfect.

40:00

Yeah, I just I love it there and I

40:02

have a ton of friends there Yeah, but I

40:04

also would buy a big house in the in

40:06

the Berkshires or something in the mountains like that's

40:08

awesome Yeah, well that's a lesbian move.

40:10

No, it's not a let I'm not that kind of a

40:12

man like beaches and deserts Lesbians

40:14

do like farms and mountains. I'm

40:16

not am I a farm lesbian. No, I'm not

40:19

saying that I mean, I wouldn't even know what the

40:21

fuck even though every time we go to

40:23

Whitney Cummings house All she does is

40:25

promise there's gonna be mega celebrities and

40:27

it's always just Melissa Etheridge And there's

40:29

nothing wrong with that. Yeah, but it's

40:31

always just Melissa Etheridge and horrible food

40:34

Really Whitney always brings

40:36

in some woman chef who's

40:38

wearing wearing like horse leather

40:40

and and

40:42

has a big Instagram presence and then like

40:44

makes the worst food ever and I'm

40:47

just I go and eat Melissa Etheridge's pussy just so I

40:49

can Satiate myself

40:51

that's a bit it is No,

40:53

it's never good Whitney's never but

40:56

when he has a gorgeous house I'm

40:58

talking amazing house, but she never

41:00

kills it with the food. Yeah. No,

41:02

I'm not that doesn't eat I'm not that kind

41:05

of Come

41:10

back eat you two to needle I get it Yeah,

41:12

but I'm not that kind of lesbian at all

41:14

where I would want to bet I like it

41:16

That's like the second home kind of yeah go

41:18

on the weekends that I always see you in

41:20

like an inner ring suburb Like a suburb

41:23

like close to the city you get in

41:25

do what you want. That's my thing I

41:27

grew up in New Jersey and South Orange.

41:29

It's kind of nice. Yeah, it is kind of nice to get out

41:32

It is I just like space. I don't like feeling

41:34

confined But the only way I would live in the

41:37

city again, and this might sound gross, but I'm sorry.

41:39

It's the truth I'm not gonna lie is to have

41:41

a big apartment. I can't live in a tiny I've

41:43

done it I did it for years and I'm

41:45

older now. Yeah, I can't live in a fucking

41:47

tiny little apartment I just can't know I know

41:49

and I was very fat when I did so

41:51

I would get stuck in the apartment Sometimes

41:54

I have to scissor my way out.

41:56

I mean it was really with that. You know

41:58

it was I was I live I lived

42:00

in, I was enormous and I would live

42:02

in, seriously, just a room. Yeah, that's the work.

42:04

It was crazy. It's

42:06

tough because everything is so expensive now.

42:09

It's so fucking crazy and it doesn't

42:11

bear any resemblance to reality. Yeah. You're

42:14

like, how in God's name

42:17

are people paying for any of it? I don't know. And then you

42:20

realize they're not. It's a lot of laundered

42:22

money, foreign money, oligarchs,

42:25

billionaires. Right. You told

42:27

me about LA too. Didn't you? I told you the same

42:29

thing. You look at the price

42:31

of everything and it goes way too much money for,

42:33

and then you look at incomes. You're like, who's making

42:35

this money? I know. Who

42:38

is making the money? Who can buy

42:40

a $14 million second home in Malibu?

42:45

It's a bitch house. No one lives there year round.

42:48

$14 million second home? Yeah.

42:51

And then you start looking at all these rich people

42:53

and you go, oh, they own every, it's like a

42:55

tiny, frack, a small section of people own everything. Yeah.

42:58

I've done fine and I own things too. People are

43:00

going to yell at me now. They go, you are

43:02

confusing and nah. You've worked your ass off.

43:05

I've worked my ass off, but it's like nothing I

43:07

have is as nice as what I would want, and

43:10

that's the real tragedy. Truly. No.

43:13

I mean most of us want more. It's truly – truly. Yeah. And

43:16

I – you know? You also – like, you don't still

43:18

have a place in Austin, do you? I do. I

43:21

rented it out to a man who screams – I

43:23

hired a woman who's a

43:25

person. She takes care of my properties.

43:28

That's not the woman in Florida? No. It's

43:30

a woman you know. You actually know this woman. I'm not going to

43:32

say her name on the podcast, but – I

43:34

think I know who it is. You know who it is. Yeah.

43:37

She's very good. She's really good at that

43:39

stuff. She's amazing. But he's torturing her every

43:42

day. Oh, no. He calls

43:44

her every day and he goes, I don't

43:47

understand. Are you guys going to like do

43:49

the – are you going to renovate the

43:51

– Oh, get rid of him. Yeah. You

43:54

know, when you renovate the Playhouse out back,

43:56

you go, that's a dog kennel. It's

43:58

not a Playhouse. I bought it for – from someone they

44:00

had a Rottweiler, he lived in that. And

44:03

it's not a playhouse. Is this kid playing in it? This kid's like

44:05

a baby. So I'm like, if you

44:07

wanna do that, if you wanna make that a playhouse,

44:09

you can do that. God bless. But I'm

44:12

not gonna make it a play, like this

44:14

is a playhouse. Oh, that's crazy. So it's

44:16

a crazy tenant who's making her life a

44:18

living hell and then she

44:20

calls me. I mean, we pay her obviously, but I feel

44:22

bad because she calls me. Well, why can't

44:24

you get rid of him if he's that? Well,

44:26

he's got a lease. Oh, okay. He's

44:29

paying. I know, he's probably, yeah. So you

44:31

think of playing, you

44:33

just gotta pay. I

44:35

mean, the things he wants are just

44:37

not realistic. Right. How long has

44:39

he have a lease for? Two

44:41

years. Jesus. Yeah. Wow.

44:45

Two years. I sold my house in

44:47

LA. Just sold, just closed. You did? Yeah.

44:50

Oh, wow. Beautiful home. But there's a

44:52

lot of geological issues where I was in Laurel Canyon. That's

44:55

where my stepbrother lived. The mudslide took out Mulholland

44:58

Drive. There's a lot of

45:00

geograss. There's issues. Mm-hmm. There's

45:02

issues there. There's no issues in Hamptons. None.

45:05

None. Zero. Yeah. Hamptons

45:08

is great. And your house is beautiful there. Yeah, there's

45:10

other parts of the country that there are no issues.

45:12

There's other parts of LA. If I

45:14

get a house again in LA, down the road, it'll be

45:16

by the beach or in

45:18

a flat section. I mean, look at the mudslide. That's

45:21

down the block from my house. Really? Yeah.

45:25

That took out the

45:27

road. Wow. They

45:29

just put the road back. The winter's in it.

45:31

Look at that. That's down the block. The winters

45:33

in LA are getting so fucking crazy that

45:36

we're having this, in Laurel Canyon's the worst place

45:38

to live. It's all mud hills. It's not like

45:40

mountains. It's like mud hills. Yeah,

45:42

Zach lives right. What's, where, oh,

45:45

well, it doesn't matter. Yeah, I was up, but I'm done now.

45:47

So you can go kill the people that live there now. You're

45:49

okay, kill me. I'm not gonna be there. It

45:52

doesn't matter to me. I'm gone. If you're

45:54

trying to kill me, it's not gonna happen there. I'm

45:56

out of there. So when you go, you just stay at

45:58

a hotel. Every hotel. Yeah, love it's

46:00

the best and then eventually I'll get something I'll

46:03

get something down the road But I

46:05

want to be flat. I want to

46:07

be on flat line would not I don't want

46:10

There but I know yeah, I want

46:12

out I get nauseous every time I

46:14

drive up there I want to live like

46:16

a Persian and the Beverly Hills flat I

46:18

want a white couches and like crystal chandeliers

46:20

I want to wear a burqa and I

46:22

want to convert to Islam and I just

46:24

want to be like that guy I love

46:26

wearing a burqa because then I can fuck my face

46:28

under it and no one sees no one This

46:31

is what I kind of want. I kind of

46:33

want to Who's

46:35

that fat chick from the?

46:39

Selling the Shahza sunset MJ

46:41

that fatty boom batty Where's

46:44

MJ from selling sunset? That's gold

46:46

nessa gold nessa's on his epic. She weighs

46:48

18 pounds get the fatty MJ Cuz that's

46:50

why I don't know them pick Everybody's

46:53

on it right now. They're good right

46:55

there Yeah, that's the

46:58

fact I'm gonna dress jobs, but

47:00

look look to the right chubby for LA

47:02

that's not chubby Well, I understand.

47:04

Yes huge tip. This is what I want to dress like

47:06

and go to the left The

47:09

second picture in the second picture in

47:11

up right there make that big This

47:14

is this is how I want to dress like her that's exactly

47:16

I want to dress that's how I want my hair to be

47:19

I want to have a long hair. I want you to come

47:21

I want to be Tran I'm not gonna take off my dick,

47:23

but this is what you're gonna see if I get that Body

47:26

in LA that's it If

47:30

I saw you like that I would laugh so hard

47:32

I would throw up I know that's what I want that's

47:34

the goal I'm

47:36

not a canyon person. I want to be by the

47:38

beach I want to be like in the suburbs and

47:40

like Beverly Hills. I don't like this

47:43

Canyon life I don't like what people from LA

47:45

pretend to be cowboys. I understand look at

47:47

the picture with the gold her boobs Can you please

47:49

have the boobies? Oh? Who

47:51

I got what is that? She's

47:54

something else is that a trophy? I

47:56

don't know who that is. She's got some real I

47:59

have never seen anything like that. She's serious,

48:01

God bless her. That

48:03

looks like the platter my grandmother left me

48:05

when she died. I've

48:09

never seen boobs like, I mean they're just

48:11

very condensed and like thick,

48:15

so horny. I love it so much. I

48:18

love the uh. Do you like boobs? I

48:20

don't mind them. Yeah. I mean they're kind of

48:22

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Goalkeeper where it is, my five to.

51:01

Seven I know this is

51:03

where the podcast. Visited

51:06

his family see also says as low sales

51:08

are from emotionally sensitive clients that one him

51:10

so of nice cars in recess and I

51:12

don't believe that. I don't either. I

51:14

don't believe that. That. Sounds like

51:17

a real interesting way to like. I don't

51:19

see anyone fires off numbers. Yeah, oh, now

51:21

they care Net they're they're upset. Maybe they

51:23

think they're going to be stolen. Maybe.

51:26

The cars going to be stolen. But this idea that

51:28

like. People. Are sensitive about driving

51:30

a nice car during the recession. doesn't make

51:32

any sense. First. Of all, there's

51:35

always a recess and whether or not and

51:37

a recession ended. so recession my all. live.

51:39

For people that I've never, there's never been

51:41

a time there hasn't been a recession that

51:44

I was born. There's always something happening. Yeah,

51:46

and and you think any one gives a

51:48

fuck what people think about. Will car

51:50

they're driving. No, no they don't The

51:53

these people. Using a rich person's like I'm gonna

51:55

get a Camry so no one feels. Uncomfortable. No one

51:57

feels that we wasps do without in Hamptons.

52:00

Beaters because they're but like a zillionaire

52:02

billionaires. But. Like regular rich

52:04

people? Absolutely not. Absolutely.

52:07

Not they don't care. But. It's

52:09

just funny. there's some guy. a Bentley's is like

52:11

we gotta give somebody. We. Gotta give

52:13

somebody justification for why people aren't. I think

52:15

of a lot of it's crime people are

52:17

worried about. Like I want to feel totally

52:20

fucked with. yeah. That's. So they're

52:22

worried about a year Totally. Right?

52:24

And I just think people aren't into them that

52:26

much anymore. Than people on answer may be

52:28

nicer cars. right? But I think really,

52:30

they're not just not as popular. That's

52:32

may be what it is. Yeah, I really

52:34

do. I'd rather

52:37

our customers can still afford our cars,

52:39

there was a level of emotional sensitivity

52:41

that slow down demand complete. Yeah.

52:43

People are just too angry at their parents.

52:45

Are. Not by others. Still, By the way, I see

52:47

a ton of i've a Bentley and I see tons

52:49

of Bentley's in Miami, in Beverly Hills, and. The.

52:52

North Shore of Long Islanders families. I

52:54

said i i them are out. There on Long Island

52:56

a lot of the level much of course because gas

52:58

is fucking stupid. The I was thinking that when

53:00

visiting. From out of the live in L A I

53:02

got this is kind of dumb to have done this is

53:04

kind of stupid. have. You ever had an electric

53:07

car, know? Yeah. I.

53:09

Don't like some. I don't either. I

53:11

really don't feel good inside. I.

53:13

See elaters drive them? I know. Yeah.

53:15

And how a teacher I am. I

53:17

feel like I'm on the ground when

53:19

I'm in them. That thread? Yeah.

53:21

He just doesn't feel great. It

53:25

doesn't feel like your. Being.

53:27

Taken care of, I. See, I

53:29

don't an. Electric Car Not a New York

53:31

What? They're amazing Or a mother? How

53:34

are the children in the teachers in

53:36

the the college and the craziness and

53:38

hours it as. Well or my oldest

53:40

is going to. College and I'm a little

53:42

freaked out by the whole thing. It's just

53:45

seems so intense right now like so I

53:47

don't know what is happening. Contentious go to

53:49

college and have a great time. I have

53:52

the time. The best time in my life

53:54

was when I went. To Karma homers a maddening

53:56

so I had a great time. As she will cause

53:58

she's set at that's who she is. I think she'll

54:00

have a great time. But yeah, I think I

54:02

think the pressures that are different now Than

54:05

they were yeah I just want to be

54:07

kids like there used to be a pressure where

54:10

it was like I got to figure out how

54:12

to earn Money and make a life for myself

54:14

that pressure doesn't exist anymore Right none of these

54:16

kids think about that But now there's a pressure

54:18

where they're like I got

54:20

I got to like live my dreams

54:22

know what my dreams are live them

54:24

Self actualize be mentally healthy except my

54:26

tick-tock tells me I have ten mental problems I may or

54:29

may not have I know I got to make sure I'm

54:31

being a good person I got to have the right opinions.

54:33

I got to be with the right people It's

54:36

hard. There's a lot of shit going on That

54:39

I think pulls kids in a lot of different directions I

54:41

also think they know too much and they know

54:44

and they're and they're seeing so much online and

54:46

like when we when I sorry I'll talk for

54:48

myself when I was growing up I really literally

54:50

had no idea what the fuck was going on

54:52

in the world right and it was better that way Yeah,

54:54

cuz I wasn't mature enough to understand really

54:56

what was happening I wasn't educated enough to

54:59

know what was happening and I I glad

55:01

I didn't know a lot I really didn't it

55:03

was it was way I knew there was like

55:06

a war going on somewhere But I I

55:09

didn't really understand it and I it would have

55:11

affected me too much I was too immature and

55:13

that was the war of 1812 your

55:16

parents did Communicate that to you

55:20

Still trying to hold on to the country We're

55:25

dating ourselves I Want

55:27

you to know I

55:30

just want it back by the way was there a

55:32

better decade? Jenko jeans

55:34

big jeans coffee house with big

55:36

fishbowl sized mocha chinos Oh, please

55:38

slunk down in big purple chairs

55:41

and you listen to an angry

55:43

white woman scream about her trauma

55:46

with a guitar just screaming

55:50

All you do is lie all

55:52

you do is lie to

55:55

me and they would all do that they'd go yeah Me

55:58

yeah You don't

56:00

even know who I am!

56:04

Rrrrrrr! Why do

56:06

you think I'm available? What

56:08

all I want to do

56:10

is hurt myself! I

56:13

killed myself four times last night.

56:15

Ha ha ha ha! For you!

56:18

For you! There

56:21

was no better time when you'd smoke a joint on

56:23

Long Beach, Long Island, and you would sit in

56:25

a coffee house, I

56:28

killed myself! I'm sorry! I'm still on that.

56:30

Ha ha ha! I died

56:32

last night! I died

56:34

today! I'll die tomorrow,

56:36

cause I'm going to hell! Yeah, I mean, it's

56:39

just like, I miss that

56:41

kind of angst, that kind of

56:43

little dark, kind of- Little

56:45

dark, you know? Everyone you

56:48

knew was kind of wiccan. Every

56:51

girl was kind of wiccan. They had

56:53

a healthy- Everyone was suicidal. Yeah, everyone

56:55

was suicidal. Everyone had a healthy relationship

56:57

with the dark arts. It

56:59

was like Harry Potter before Harry Potter. Oh

57:01

yeah. It was just

57:04

a fun decade. Kurt Cobain, friends,

57:06

Frasier, Seinfeld, diners that

57:08

served good food. People

57:11

didn't act like- Every job wasn't like-

57:13

You know, you get on a train now in Long Island, you're- You

57:16

used to be able to go like- You barely had a

57:18

ticket, you're like, oh, I don't have a ticket, they're like,

57:21

whatever. They didn't care. Now every job acts like they're an

57:23

extension of the Department of Homeland Security. I know, I know.

57:25

You walk into a frozen yogurt place, you're like, uh, how can I

57:27

help you? Everyone is enraged. I've

57:30

been doing a whole bit about that. I'm like,

57:32

I didn't force you to get this fucking job.

57:34

I know, everyone's mad. Can you not take this

57:36

out on me? Everyone's mad. Enraged. I'm like, can

57:39

I have whole milk? I'll get a sound. Like,

57:41

Mom, why are you talking to me like this?

57:43

During the 90s, no one took anything

57:46

seriously. Everybody was a slacker and

57:48

embraced kind of that Gen X

57:50

who cares mentality. Now

57:52

everybody is both at the same

57:55

time incredibly committed

57:57

and incredibly incompetent.

58:00

Oh, like they're both they're very committed to this job

58:02

that they don't know how to do and are angry

58:04

that they have So it's very

58:06

strange. They're like very official and

58:08

also have no idea what's going

58:10

on They're

58:13

like, I'm the mayor of Starbucks, but they

58:15

can't phone the milk and they write they're

58:17

incompetent But they're like, yeah code

58:19

like I go near the bathroom. They're

58:21

like, you need a code. I'm like,

58:23

hey I'm National Security Advisor relax You

58:26

get frisked to go to the bathroom And

58:29

dude in the 90s like people would just kind

58:31

of kind of not care what you

58:33

did Yeah, they didn't really everyone

58:35

failed with fear now. I'm serious.

58:37

It's true. There's much. Oh my

58:40

god This all came down because

58:42

oh show that they confiscated the

58:44

gavel now This is

58:46

Morgan and Morgan the fucking

58:48

the goddamn it what's happening

58:50

over there this gavel Morgan

58:53

and Morgan is the America's largest personal

58:55

injury law firm and they've done

58:57

the right thing by sponsoring the show With

58:59

this gavel that says size matters show

59:01

the gentleman. No show him enjoying himself

59:04

as he confiscates the gavel He's

59:06

famous now his friends will tell he confiscated

59:08

the gavel. So all we have is this

59:10

wait, he took your gavel away He took the

59:12

gavel Because

59:14

it's a weapon and we're

59:16

supposed to have it on the day Morgan

59:18

and Morgan America's largest personal injury law firm

59:21

looks like Caitlyn Jenner's dick. Yes, it is.

59:23

They also confiscated that But

59:27

it is I just miss That

59:29

kind of sensibility where people every

59:31

day wasn't the most important day

59:34

of everyone's life. I Hate

59:37

to say it and it might sound like a mullet and

59:39

I'm on tik-tok and and all of it 72

59:42

I'm on a constant all day and night Yeah, I

59:44

think it's amazing and I laugh at it constantly,

59:47

but it's killing our society. It's bad. It's dead.

59:49

It's not even killing it It's we're gone.

59:51

What is it? Is it just a

59:53

constant? Burke cuz I'm not on it.

59:55

I Know I don't have

59:57

followers on it. I care about it. I'm on

1:00:00

I have a million file. It's bad. I

1:00:02

know you're really bad. It's bad I mean,

1:00:04

I love my fans and I'm putting up clips,

1:00:06

you know crowd work cuz I put if I

1:00:08

did a special for whoever Why you

1:00:10

put old she only does crap? I'm like cuz I'm not

1:00:12

gonna put my fucking material up right to see it No,

1:00:14

I'm not gonna make money. You're right but

1:00:17

anyway, the point is is that Everyone's

1:00:20

seeing too much. It's so depressing. It's

1:00:22

like yes some of it's funny But

1:00:24

there and a lot of it is,

1:00:27

you know, it's it's not real. They're

1:00:29

not educated They're they're seeing one side

1:00:31

or seeing one side and it's a lot

1:00:33

of it's to get you angry. No,

1:00:35

exactly It's again, it's

1:00:38

addicting. I get addicted to it

1:00:40

a lot of it's very addictive It's

1:00:42

very addictive, but it is a weird It's

1:00:46

a weird thing to constantly

1:00:48

be stimulated Yes

1:00:51

by this app by this

1:00:53

algorithm That's job is to keep you

1:00:55

engaged and the only way to keep

1:00:57

people engaged It's either entertain them or pissed them

1:00:59

off and it's much harder to entertain

1:01:01

people than it is Than it is

1:01:04

to piss them off a hundred so you can easily piss

1:01:06

them off think about I mean

1:01:08

Everything when we were growing up was conversations.

1:01:11

It was talking to someone that everything is

1:01:13

on the phone now Everything

1:01:16

right or everything is like

1:01:18

everything winky face Literally,

1:01:20

we covered this horrible story in Arizona That

1:01:23

a kid was killed by these other kids at

1:01:25

a party and they all went on snapchat and

1:01:27

tick-tock and talked about killing the kid Are you

1:01:30

kidding? I swear to God they all have they

1:01:32

all have these You

1:01:34

know, I went down there and I met

1:01:36

the family the kid. It was pretty crazy. You

1:01:39

did? Yeah, they're great people but oh my

1:01:41

god, but the thing is these

1:01:43

kids go on snapchat

1:01:45

and Start talking about it

1:01:47

and all right. All right. They're

1:01:50

here one they go in

1:01:52

snapchat and Can you find

1:01:54

the snap find the snap and

1:01:57

they literally write I just killed

1:01:59

a kid. I think I'm too strong. Literally

1:02:02

he wrote this. They're writing things on

1:02:04

Snapchat. That's honestly one of the sickest things I've

1:02:06

ever heard. Well, it's sociopath. You can

1:02:08

see how we are creating

1:02:11

a generation of sociopaths. That's what I mean. I

1:02:13

have a whole bit online where nobody thinks that

1:02:15

kids in the future, everybody's just concerned with AI.

1:02:17

We've given up on the kids. Politicians don't even

1:02:19

talk about kids anymore. They used to. Every politician

1:02:21

used to just talk about kids. No one does.

1:02:23

Everyone talks about AI. If you even

1:02:25

bring up kids, people go, who cares? What about the AI? Yeah,

1:02:27

I hit a kid

1:02:29

and this kid hit his head and then they kicked

1:02:31

his head in and then I got word he died.

1:02:33

I don't know. Like they're communicating

1:02:36

on these apps. One

1:02:39

of them wrote, I killed a kid.

1:02:41

I guess I'm too strong. It's we're

1:02:43

creating a generation of people on

1:02:47

with this constant stuff. We're

1:02:49

creating. There it is. Wait, there it is. Yeah, but

1:02:54

there's a, there's a, I don't know if they have that, but

1:02:56

they, that message is in the police report where

1:02:58

he goes, they

1:03:02

all have these and they're all obviously they

1:03:04

got warrants for all this information that came

1:03:06

out of Snapchat and all this stuff, but

1:03:09

it just shows you

1:03:11

what's going on. These kids were

1:03:13

randomly attacking kids and putting it on TikTok.

1:03:15

Jessica. Well, putting they were

1:03:17

randomly attacking kids and putting the beam. How

1:03:19

old were they? 17, 16,

1:03:22

17. They're randomly attacking people. Blitz style attacks.

1:03:24

Six or seven kids would attack a kid

1:03:26

with prayer circles, hospitalized them, film it and

1:03:28

put it on TikTok. This is

1:03:30

how crazy it is. So there are

1:03:32

a lot of problems with those

1:03:34

social media diet. We're feeding these

1:03:36

kids. That's what I'm saying. And what, and

1:03:39

what they're, because when we grew

1:03:41

up, people handled

1:03:44

their anger somewhat differently. And

1:03:46

even if they fought, it wasn't, they weren't

1:03:48

filming it and they weren't trying to kill

1:03:51

someone. They weren't trying to kill someone and they weren't

1:03:53

filming it and putting it on the ass.

1:03:56

It's psychotic. It is. For clout. I know.

1:03:58

You know what I mean? It's bad. I

1:04:00

watch fights sometimes and I'm like, why did I

1:04:02

just watch? See, that's what I'm saying. I watch

1:04:05

it with your very self. Right, and it's

1:04:07

bad. People in our generation would just go

1:04:09

to a coffee house and go, I

1:04:11

spent last night alone. Did

1:04:14

you hear me crying? Cause I

1:04:16

spent last night alone. You

1:04:19

think you want him, but you really want me.

1:04:22

I'll prove you right, come to my

1:04:24

home. I

1:04:27

won't let her live if you don't come

1:04:29

back. I

1:04:32

live on a couch, I have

1:04:34

a handshake agreement for rent. My

1:04:36

credit is shot. It's,

1:04:38

but that's the way people used to live.

1:04:40

People used to live. Jessica

1:04:43

Kirsten, you're one of the only people I enjoy having

1:04:45

as a guest because you're funny. Well,

1:04:48

you're an insanely funny human being and it's a joy

1:04:50

to have you. Well, you're brilliant. Well, thank

1:04:52

you. Out hysterically. Of course, continue.

1:04:56

I'm not jerking you off, Tim. No, please. All

1:04:58

right, I will. I'm really, at this point, I just

1:05:01

not working. It's just not working, my

1:05:03

relationship. Anyway, so I

1:05:05

love you. Not only are you brilliant,

1:05:08

but you are, you're so

1:05:10

fucking funny. I don't laugh, you know, I really

1:05:12

don't laugh at a lot of comedians. I can't

1:05:14

bear to watch most of them. I appreciate that. But

1:05:17

you're so knowledgeable. Well, that's sweet of you. I really,

1:05:19

you're so smart. You know, everyone says that that's a

1:05:21

fan of yours when I'm on the road. People

1:05:24

are always like, I can't stop listening because he's

1:05:26

so smart. Well, I don't know if that's true,

1:05:28

but that's very nice that they say that. I think

1:05:30

what's more impressive now is sort of my commitment to

1:05:32

social justice and kind of raise the elevating issues and

1:05:34

things like that. That's what I find impressive about myself,

1:05:36

currently. It's true. Sort of

1:05:38

what I've been doing and kind of focusing on the

1:05:40

local issues, trying to bring them to the top. Again,

1:05:42

that would be my, your mind. Most

1:05:45

comics are just like, that's

1:05:47

what I said about you being a giver because most comics

1:05:49

are like, I'm funny. I want more and more and more

1:05:51

and more. And I think if you can make a difference.

1:05:53

I give so much to people. I know, but

1:05:56

that's rare. My producer will drive my Bentley back

1:05:58

to the Hamptons and have that experience. because

1:06:00

I can't do it I have to get on a plane. Jessica

1:06:03

Kirson, but it's nice for him. It's a

1:06:05

two hour drive and you can stop and

1:06:07

have lunch on the way. And you're young.

1:06:09

And he's young so to drive a Bentley

1:06:11

to the Southampton, like that's not nice, that's

1:06:13

a nice thing to do for someone. That's

1:06:15

amazing. Jessica, tell everyone where they can find

1:06:17

you. You got a million on TikTok, you

1:06:20

just have all these followers, everyone loves you,

1:06:22

you're touring, your people are buying tickets, they're

1:06:24

enjoying it. Yeah, you can

1:06:26

go to jessicakirson.com. Do it. J-I-R-S-O-N.

1:06:30

And I just filmed a Hulu special, which I

1:06:32

think is coming out in December. And

1:06:34

I have a TikTok, Jessica

1:06:36

Kirson. I'm on YouTube, Jessica

1:06:39

Kirson Comedy. Like my

1:06:41

social media is amazing. I'm on Instagram,

1:06:43

Facebook. I post videos every day of

1:06:45

my crowd work and my shit. Yeah.

1:06:49

Listen, thank you and go and follow her.

1:06:51

And before we get out of here, timblandcomedy.com

1:06:54

for all my tickets. My new special,

1:06:57

Amy Schumer presents Tim Dillon Live in

1:07:00

Gaza. We're

1:07:02

selling tickets right now. Get on it. Good

1:07:04

night. Hey, have you ever used Cheapo Air?

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