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Fresh for everyone. Good

0:30

morning folks. Morning. Ah!

0:33

Ah! Oh my god! Oh

0:35

my god! Ah! Good

0:38

morning. I

0:42

really hope you didn't make anyone crash their car

0:44

there. You

0:49

know somebody's driving. Ah!

0:57

Ah! Just

1:01

make sure you put a gate on

1:04

that so it doesn't go too loud, too loud! Oh my

1:06

god! Okay,

1:11

enough. Oh,

1:15

that's okay. Hey,

1:25

can I get a gin and tonic? Ah! Why

1:30

are they so quiet today? Crank

1:34

it all the way up. Holy

1:54

fuck, baby! You'll be in the

1:56

club with that deer and get hit by that car. Let's

1:59

live the blind. may soon be followed.

2:02

If you've never smoked weed at literal

2:04

wood stock, you're not a

2:06

stoner. Goodbye. The

2:09

Army Air Force has announced that a flying disc

2:11

has been found and is now in the production

2:13

of the Army. I'll

2:15

scare you, Spock. Why should

2:18

I get my arm sinking? The so-called flying

2:20

duffel. Look at all these

2:22

fucking chickens! You want a little brown? You

2:25

hear this whole, no. Want a little brown dick in your

2:27

mouth? No! No!

2:32

Please look at all the signs. Fashion

2:34

your seatbelt and get

2:37

ready for debate. Good

2:41

morning, everyone. Um... I'm...

2:46

Bro, I'm car... I'm carrying a payload. What

2:48

are you talking about? Um,

2:51

I'm talking about... The

2:54

Enola Gay... Is

2:57

piloting something big in here. Okay,

2:59

what? I took some magnesium before I went to sleep. I woke

3:01

up in the middle of the night in a... in a... Really?

3:06

Why? I'm feeling sick. Why?

3:08

Because I... I had... I

3:10

had 30 grams of protein

3:12

via yogurt. In the morning?

3:15

Before bed. Okay. And then that plus the magnesium

3:17

you think, didn't it? Yeah. So

3:19

then I was on the toilet. Why magnesium though? Isn't that like supposed to be

3:21

a stress thing? Um... It's good.

3:24

Were you stressed out from how much protein you ate? You

3:26

were like, you gotta combat this somehow. How big I was getting.

3:28

Stress me out how huge I was. Yeah, you looked in the

3:30

mirror, you're like, oh fuck. Yeah.

3:33

Yeah. Oh god. Too much muscle

3:35

mass. I can't... I can't

3:37

look like this. How am I supposed to sleep?

3:39

How... My career is over. I'm supposed to look

3:42

like a... I'm too ripped. Yeah. People

3:44

are not gonna find me funny. People are not gonna find me funny. Yeah, yeah,

3:46

exactly. How will I ever be funny? I'm too

3:48

hot. You look like Matt Rife. Yeah. Right.

3:52

I'm not a twank, but... So

3:54

I wake up in a stupor. Get

3:57

to the toilet. And I'm like...

4:01

It's like crawling in my stomach, but it

4:03

won't come out. He's

4:06

scared. Right. And

4:08

I try to call him. It's the last, it's

4:10

the last, it's the last, it's

4:12

an elk heap. Yeah, it

4:14

won't come out. Nothing. No, I think, so I got,

4:17

I played some trumpets. That's

4:20

what I do for Alina now. I'm like, I

4:23

play the trumpet, she goes, what the fuck, and I'm like, you're a queen. What

4:25

do you mean? You're here. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, I,

4:28

you know, I know what you're saying, but

4:30

I'm saying the queen joke. Yeah, right. It's because

4:32

you're a queen. It's like, you've

4:34

arrived. Anyway. Royalty has

4:38

entered. I'm actually doing this to honor you, my wife.

4:41

I bend straight over, I grab my

4:43

ankles, and I blow my trumpet to

4:46

the ceiling. Yeah, so

4:49

I'm carrying, I

4:52

hear a shit in my pants. Okay. That's

4:55

what I'm carrying right now. So this coffee. So

4:58

it's gonna happen. You think this episode, maybe

5:00

halfway through. It's gonna be you that leaves this time. Because

5:03

it's been me having a piss every fucking 30

5:05

minutes. Or I just get up and I just. Yeah,

5:08

yeah, yeah. Yeah. I

5:13

was joking. I was

5:16

joking yesterday. I was filming this video and I

5:18

was reading people's like horrible date

5:20

stories. And

5:23

this one was from this girl and she was like, I

5:25

was, I had this guy over my place and we

5:28

were like out on the balcony just

5:30

hanging out and things

5:32

were going well. And I thought maybe we would have progressed inside

5:34

or something and all of a sudden he looks at me and

5:36

goes, I have to leave and just dip to

5:38

the bathroom. And came out like

5:40

45 minutes later and

5:43

sheepishly kind of admitted to her that he

5:45

shit his pants. Oh. And

5:48

I was like, that is the most shit your

5:50

pants reaction you can possibly have. That just immediate

5:52

like, I have to leave. I gotta go. I

5:54

have to remove myself from the situation. I was

5:56

laughing because it literally happened to me like three

5:58

weeks ago. Oh. in the living

6:00

room and it's in the morning,

6:02

right? So we're like doing chores, taking care of

6:04

the kid, TV's on or something. So we're kinda,

6:08

both Kelsey and I are like sitting in the living room somewhere.

6:10

I think I was standing in the kitchen or something, having

6:12

sort of like an open conversation just to the living

6:15

room sort of as things are happening, right, and all

6:17

of a sudden I just like completely

6:19

remove myself from the situation because I've

6:21

tried to fart. And

6:24

just, you know when

6:26

you shit your pants, it's just so sudden

6:28

and unexpected, you know? You're never

6:30

like oh this one's probably gonna be a poop. It's

6:32

always like you're 100% convinced that this is gonna be

6:35

a fart. And then

6:37

all of a sudden it's just, you know? And I don't

6:39

mean to be, I don't mean to ruin your Saturday by

6:42

any means. I think we've already

6:44

done that. But it's a complete Hershey squirt, you know? And

6:49

I'm like oh, I just ran to the bathroom. Like

6:51

completely ejected from the situation.

6:54

Threw my boxes in the garbage. No you gotta

6:56

keep those. No, no, it didn't even bother. What

6:59

am I gonna do? Frame them. Put these in the

7:01

washing machine and it's gonna get everything poopy. Yeah. You

7:04

know? This is more than a skid stain. It's straight up liquid

7:07

in here. I toss those things. No,

7:09

that's always, that's

7:11

always when it's a wet one. And

7:14

you're like please, please, please, please, please. And you're like oh.

7:16

Yeah, yeah, yeah, and you look and you're like oh god.

7:18

So good underwear. Yeah, exactly. And you're like I hope it

7:21

didn't soak through in my, and you look at your pants

7:23

and you're like it did soak through in my pants. Damn

7:25

it. Guess I gotta throw the pants out too. And

7:28

then you walk back out. You what? Then

7:30

you walk back out and sit back down at church and shout

7:33

through to the pew. And

7:38

the family next to you sees your skid mark. As you approach

7:40

the pew I really hope it didn't get on the pew. I

7:42

hope it didn't get the, oh

7:44

fuck, oh fuck. It's

7:47

a pewp. I

7:51

pewped. Pewped. Lord

7:54

forgive me for I have pewped. Yeah.

7:57

I wonder if anyone's ever shit their

7:59

pants. after like in the segment where you

8:01

have to kneel on the thing? Yeah,

8:04

I mean, you know how many old people go to church? You

8:07

think? I mean, old guys have just sat there and just

8:09

fucking depended. Yeah. Please

8:11

kneel and pray. Oh, gladly. Yeah. Gladly.

8:14

You flip down the street. Sweet.

8:19

I have to leave! I

8:22

violently shit myself in the middle of a church convention.

8:24

This is coffee pasta, man. I

8:27

don't. But

8:29

because it's from Reddit, I believe it. Yeah. Yeah.

8:32

Man, side note, I wish I remember the dude's

8:34

name. He's like a

8:37

just he's on TikTok. He

8:40

made a TikTok about how like

8:43

when you ask a simple question on Reddit, I

8:47

think the TikTok, he was like, hey, how

8:51

long should I cook meatloaf or something? And it

8:53

was him like mimicking

8:55

Reddit replies. It is

8:57

incredible because I was trying to look

8:59

up something this weekend how you can just never

9:01

get a real answer from people on Reddit. What

9:03

do they do? Well, you're like, you

9:06

know, I don't want to fucking butcher this

9:08

guy's joke. But in a

9:10

similar vein, I was looking up like

9:14

a correct temperature to cook. Oh,

9:17

I was looking up. Something

9:21

to do with cooking. It wasn't like a temperature, but whatever. Like

9:23

and someone asked a similar question and

9:25

all the replies were like, maybe you

9:27

shouldn't just do that. Then you

9:29

have to worry about it in the future. And

9:31

the guys following up in the thread like, well, I did it

9:34

and I need an answer. And

9:38

then it's just like no, no reply was like, hey, it's good. We'll

9:41

try to teach him a lesson. Yeah,

9:43

it was everywhere. Dunking on him. Yeah.

9:46

Or like your dad. That's

9:48

the answer. You know, just nothing. Yeah. Thank

9:51

you for the gold. Yeah, nothing that's

9:53

actually helpful. Sorry,

9:55

I was just like a random tangent. I wish I remember the

9:57

thread because it would make more sense. I

10:00

think it was something about, oh,

10:03

that's what it was. I was looking up wood

10:05

versus plastic cutting boards and

10:09

if you need to keep meat and

10:11

veggies separate. So I think

10:13

the question was like, hey, I cut meat on my

10:15

wooden cutting board. I've also used it for vegetables. Is

10:17

this a bad thing? And all the

10:19

replies were like, you should just get a separate cutting board.

10:22

Because I know, but this is my cutting board

10:24

now. And I've done it, so I

10:26

need to know. Just give me

10:28

some info for my exact situation right now.

10:31

What do I do after I've already done it? You

10:34

shouldn't do that. Okay, thank you.

10:36

Other replies were like, well,

10:38

typically I say, I cut

10:41

the meat in the pan. He's like, I didn't do

10:43

that. The whole thread was

10:45

riddled with him being like, I know, I just need

10:47

an answer for this. Poor

10:50

guy. Quite literally not one. Poor guy standing there in front

10:52

of his cutting board. I just wanna know if I can

10:54

use this for veggies right now. Yeah. And

10:58

then, people

11:01

were like, well, you should get a plastic

11:03

one. And then

11:05

those threads were spinning out like, I don't

11:07

want microplastics in my meat. And

11:11

I could imagine this guy's frustration. I'll

11:14

kill every single one of you. I

11:16

just need one person with a brain. Hey guys,

11:18

we wanna take a quick break to thank

11:20

the sponsor of today's episode, McDonald's. All right

11:22

listeners, we've got a deep life question for

11:24

you. Is there anything better than saving money?

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We think this feeling is right up

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there with beautiful weather, a good night's

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saving money, one way to do that

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is using the McDonald's app. The McDonald's

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medium fries, or even sometimes a

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quarter pounder BOGO deal. I love me

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a quarter pounder BOGO deal. Yeah? Yeah,

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I actually, I mean, I do love quarter pounders.

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They're fucking amazing. It's always my go to order.

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Downloading the McDonald's app is a no brainer because you can

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get a new deal every week. every single day,

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that's nuts. It's

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awesome, I love it. Let's see what the deal

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is today, shall we? Free large

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sick. Alright, so I've

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got an important question for you. And

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what is it? I'm ready. What

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is your favorite time of day to grab a deal

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from the McDonald's app? I

12:23

gotta be honest, I'm a McDonald's breakfast fan. Okay. So

12:25

for me, it's the morning, because I'm also a morning

12:27

guy. Yeah. I'd kill

12:29

for a McMuff. I'm right there with you, man.

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I love a McMuff in the morning. Yeah. Yeah.

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So there you have it. We love McDonald's and we

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love saving money. It's a match made in heaven. Save

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some cash every day with the McDonald's app.

12:42

You must opt in to the rewards. I

12:46

mean, I used to look shit up on

12:48

Reddit when Otis was first born. And

12:51

I remember this one time, you

12:55

know, I've said this on

12:57

Insanely Shield before. I might've told you to, but

13:00

I mean, I'm a little

13:02

bit ashamed about this, but I used to buy

13:04

this, because we started formula feeding him, right? So

13:06

I used to buy, and to make formula, it's

13:08

powder. You mix it with water. Yeah. And

13:11

I was like, in my head about, you're

13:13

paranoid about everything with a newborn. You're

13:16

like, I don't know what the fuck is right. And especially if it's your

13:18

first kid, you're like, I don't know what the fuck is

13:21

gonna, what this kid can. Yeah. Can

13:23

he drink Coke Zero? Can he drink Diet Coke?

13:25

Yeah. I mean, here's

13:27

something, would you assume that a baby can have

13:29

water? No. You

13:31

wouldn't assume that. I've heard that. You've

13:34

heard that it's, but if you didn't know, would you? Yes.

13:38

But just like, so shit like that, you just

13:40

don't know, you know? So I'm

13:42

like, okay, you mix the formula with water, but

13:44

that's what they can have, is the mixed formula.

13:46

Cause they need, like, you know, having them, giving

13:48

them just water, like fucks up their nutrient balance

13:50

or something like that. But anyways, that's not the

13:52

point. The point is like, I don't know

13:54

shit. So I'm looking things up and, and

13:58

I'm looking at what kind. of water, can

14:00

I just use tap water? It seems

14:03

maybe unsafe for a newborn baby, so

14:05

I'm like, what kind of water? So I look up baby,

14:07

like newborn water for formula mixing and

14:09

it brings me to this Amazon link

14:11

for baby water, which

14:13

is like a scam, of course, but I bought it

14:16

for like months. It's just

14:18

like distilled water. And

14:20

then one time we didn't have that, so

14:22

I was freaking out, I'm like fuck, we're on a trip or

14:24

something, a weekend trip, and I'm like fuck, what water do I

14:26

buy? I don't have the baby water, so I look up, this

14:30

is more of a story about me being an idiot. I

14:33

look up, what kind of, can I use bottled

14:35

water for my baby's formula? And

14:38

this Reddit thread, it takes me to this Reddit

14:40

thread and she was like, one

14:42

of the ladies was like, I used

14:44

smart water one time and my baby's

14:47

sort of violently throwing up, like blood

14:49

or something. It was so fucking insane

14:51

and I was like, okay, well we're not

14:53

using bottled water. And both of us

14:56

were just so fucking stressed, I forget what we ended

14:58

up doing. But fast forward, I've

15:00

never used bottled water 5,000 times, it's

15:02

totally fine. If it's fine for you, it's fine

15:04

for the baby, generally. It's just

15:06

so funny, the amount, nobody

15:08

on there was like, yeah, it's probably fine. One

15:11

time is probably fine. Yeah, you rarely

15:13

get those replies. I'm just

15:15

laughing at you going

15:18

into the store, panicked. I need a Brita

15:20

filter, I need a Brita filter. And

15:23

you go buy a whole Brita in a parking

15:25

lot. And you use bottled

15:27

water to rinse off the Brita. And

15:31

then you put the bottled water in the Brita.

15:34

And then someone was in the parking lot and they were like,

15:37

is everything okay, sir? And you're

15:39

like, I'm making the baby water out

15:42

of my face. I ran out

15:44

of baby water. You just sound insane. I ran out of the

15:46

baby water. So I gotta make it. Baby water,

15:48

I give them at Amazon. I ran amazon.com,

15:50

I get the baby water. I ran out of the baby

15:52

water. Yeah, I-

15:56

Baby water, such a scam. Dude, I

15:58

fell for that shit for months. And

16:00

then finally I just started, I have filtered water in my

16:02

kitchen, I just started using that and I'm like, what

16:05

are you doing? But you're just paranoid as

16:07

a new parent, you know? You got,

16:09

you're like, I just want everything to be

16:11

perfect. You're paranoid and then

16:14

Reddit is telling you all this fucking info about

16:16

your baby throwing up blood if you give them

16:19

tap water, you know, I don't know. You

16:22

got too many resources, man, that's what it is. Yeah,

16:24

no, it's actually, that's what it is. Yeah. You'd

16:27

think like unlimited info is a good thing, it's actually

16:30

turned out to be a very bad thing. Well, when

16:32

you realize that the unlimited info is just trained on

16:35

Reddit commentary. Yeah. You

16:37

know what I picture a lot of the time on Reddit is you read

16:41

a comment and then when

16:43

I get to the end of the sentence, I picture

16:45

like a sweaty guy hitting

16:48

enter and turning to his friend

16:50

and being like, that's

16:52

actually the incorrect information. Yeah. But

16:57

I like to do a little bit of trolling because

17:00

I just have so much karma on this account

17:02

and I just love to think that people think

17:04

I'm a legitimate source of information, but in reality,

17:06

I'm making a lot of this up. That's

17:08

what I pick. Every time I

17:10

hit the end of a sentence. Against

17:13

my will, I'm caught up on this season of

17:15

Love Island. No way. Yeah. Wait,

17:18

the British one? Yes. Okay.

17:20

I know, I see. The only thing I've ever, the only

17:23

thing I've seen from it so far is all the people dunking

17:26

on the girls are looking older than they actually

17:28

are. Shouldn't on them for the lip filler and

17:30

stuff. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They just all have a

17:32

bunch of work done so people just think that

17:34

they're in their 40s. Nevermind that. Can

17:38

we get these people like a little bit of

17:40

meth? Why? I

17:42

was thinking how fucking awesome it would be

17:44

if just they left a little bag of

17:46

meth in there and just to

17:48

see what would happen. Yeah. Like imagine

17:50

three of them get hooked and they're shooting up and

17:53

they go completely insane and

17:56

they just shack up in the hideaway. Saturday,

34:00

we went a day early. And

34:03

we brought the whole, like, Call of Duty parents,

34:05

brought our kid, and

34:07

Friday night they offered to watch him, so we

34:09

were like, let's go fuckin' do some adult shit.

34:11

You know, let's like not be fuckin' degenerates. Exactly,

34:14

let's like, you know, let's be

34:16

Vegas tourists. And we went to

34:19

a show, it's called Awakening. Is

34:21

it Cirque? It's not, it's like

34:23

the wins version of Cirque. Awakening,

34:26

that's just it, it's just Awakening. Awakening,

34:28

that's what it is. Do

34:31

we check into a room

34:33

at the win, or the encore or whatever, it's

34:35

the ad for it, it's just on loop, playing

34:37

on every single TV, right? In the fuckin' hotel.

34:40

Every single time you check into a room, it's playing. And it's

34:42

been that way for like, since last

34:44

year. Experience

34:46

the most jaw-dropping visuals

34:48

at one of the most

34:50

immersive theaters in Las Vegas.

34:52

Okay. And we're checking, so we

34:55

bought tickets to this thing, we're checking it, my friend's

34:57

like, how the fuck can a show be more immersive

34:59

than another show? It's just, you're already there,

35:01

it's as immersive as it can get. And

35:04

we sit down and there's like speakers

35:07

like next to your head. Oh.

35:10

And then this stage, the

35:12

entire time, the entire thing is lights.

35:15

Okay. And the whole

35:17

stage is like this gigantic moving robot.

35:19

So every piece separately goes up and

35:21

down, just creating these gigantic

35:24

holes in the stage, but then also

35:26

raising up super fuckin' high. It

35:30

was absolutely, actually

35:32

jaw-dropping. I

35:35

went back and I put the ad on in the

35:37

fuckin' hotel room. It'd be like, wow. It's just, it's

35:39

true. Well,

35:41

there you go, man. Cabaret is still

35:43

alive. Yeah, no, it was incredible.

35:49

What was the most memorable act? The

35:53

fire twirling guy? I

35:57

mean, honestly, it wasn't even like the, the,

35:59

honestly. the best part about it

36:01

was the production. Was there a story? There

36:03

was a story, it was kind of like

36:05

a sort of cliche, like yin and yang,

36:07

darkness. And it's like the goddess

36:10

of darkness and the god of light were

36:13

in love and then they, I

36:15

guess, got split up from each other. And this

36:18

woman is trying to go around to all the

36:20

elements and get all the crystals so she can

36:22

bring them back together. This

36:25

is the hideaway religion right now.

36:27

Yeah, exactly. Because

36:30

the god of light, he's in love

36:32

with her, but she needs all the elements in

36:34

order to bring him back so they're in love.

36:36

Yeah, so you look at, go back up. So

36:39

that's like what the stage does. Oh,

36:41

got it. So it starts out as just like a

36:43

circle. And then it creates stairs

36:45

and the whole thing is constantly moving and I

36:47

was just the entire time thinking, I

36:50

could run down there, slip

36:52

in one of those cracks, and get just completely

36:54

split in half by one of these stages and

36:56

just change the trajectory of everyone in Nier's lives.

36:58

There's a stadium full of people that

37:01

would watch that. So I

37:03

know, I love when Tom, I love when

37:05

Tom does that. Whenever we fly in

37:07

to wherever and we get the rental car and

37:10

we're leaving the airport, there's always someone crossing

37:13

the crosswalk and he's like, should

37:15

I change our lives forever? He always says that.

37:20

It started because we were going somewhere and a cop

37:22

was crossing the street and he's like, should

37:25

I just run this guy over and change our

37:27

lives forever? It's so

37:29

funny that everyone has these intrusive thoughts. Yeah, yeah.

37:31

No, we talked about it. Yeah,

37:33

oh, because we do them. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We can't talk

37:35

about it. Right, because you act on them. We're all on

37:37

the run. Yeah, right, right. Yeah, every single one of us.

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38:55

yeah, okay. So the story wasn't

38:58

that captivating. Can I see the

39:00

war here? The best part was the

39:02

costumes, the music, the lights on the stage,

39:04

the fact that the stage was moving. They

39:06

did like some illusions where because

39:09

there were so many moving parts of the stage,

39:11

they could make people disappear. Interesting. By making you

39:13

pay attention to a certain thing and there's a

39:15

hole that you're not seeing and the person drops

39:17

down. Yeah. So it

39:20

was cool. I enjoyed it. But then there was

39:22

a, apparently there was a fight on Saturday night. Tank

39:25

fought. Yes. Right. And I

39:27

didn't really knew that. I didn't

39:29

know that I heard about a, who did he fight?

39:31

Briefly during the day. I forget. Knocked him

39:34

the fuck out though. He

39:36

did that backflip. Yeah.

39:39

I saw that picture. It was cool. Who

39:42

did he just fight? Frank Martin. Knocked

39:45

him the fuck out. I didn't see the

39:47

knockout actually. That was

39:50

in a, what the

39:52

hell was I doing on Saturday? I don't even remember. So

39:55

I'm playing my set. It starts at

39:57

midnight and I'm like half an hour into it. And

40:01

they're I get a tap on the shoulder and they're

40:03

like yo and I turn around and fucking Ryan Garcia

40:06

He's like can we get a picture? I was like sure

40:08

fuck. Yeah Took a picture. He's

40:11

wearing his like did you see the clip of him at the fight?

40:13

I know he went up to the ring

40:15

after and it said like number one tank fan on his

40:18

on his shirt he was trolling he's wearing

40:20

that shirt and It

40:22

was him and his buddy and he was like he

40:24

looked like it was pretty pretty fucked up and

40:29

Mid set he so these guys are just him and

40:31

his buddy are like just beside me

40:33

like the like almost the full like

40:35

First 45 minutes of the set and

40:37

at one point he rips off his number one tank

40:39

fan shirt throws it in the audience And

40:42

then his buddy takes off his shirt. So I just

40:44

have these two like shirtless like what

40:46

look like I like Like

40:49

like hype guys, you know almost yeah, like both

40:51

of them are shirtless on either side of me.

40:54

There's like Going hard as

40:56

fuck. So this is that was

40:58

your awakening. That was my awakening. Welcome

41:00

to the Thunderdome It

41:03

was pretty funny right

41:05

Gar right Garce Yeah,

41:07

it was pretty it was pretty cool. I don't know it's cool Cool.

41:11

They came to the show I guess Okay,

41:14

they were like I can't believe I watched your

41:16

DJ video man. I

41:18

can't believe you're doing this right now. I Was

41:21

like, thanks, I guess It

41:24

was cool. I don't know I Can't

41:27

believe you're doing this right now They

41:29

were like watching me like, you know, like just

41:31

watching my fingers like how the fuck Whoa,

41:35

that's how Lena looks at me when I play

41:37

counter-strike. Yeah. Yeah, I can't believe you're doing this

41:39

right You're so fucking good

41:41

dinner's getting cold. I can't believe you're doing

41:43

this right now. Let's see this flap

41:48

oh Yeah, Jesus Christ, yeah

41:50

that last pawn to do this right after

41:52

now, let's see it. Let's see this backflip

41:56

the quickness the quickness

41:59

this should That is so funny. Wait, when

42:01

does he do it? Oh, he does

42:03

it not, yeah. Yep. The

42:07

balance, bro? Yeah, that's pretty wild. That

42:09

was clean. Clean, you see

42:11

the picture of him upside down? Yes. Pretty

42:15

sick. I loved the tweet when it was like,

42:17

imagine waking up from being knocked and seeing this.

42:19

It's exactly the tweet that I was talking about.

42:21

It's all the same shit. Chrome

42:23

Hearts shorts, did they

42:25

mention that? No. Okay, so it wasn't the

42:28

same tweet. But

42:31

yeah, and then, gambled,

42:34

obviously. Yeah. As

42:36

we were just talking about, we played the Willy Wonka slot

42:38

machine that's fucking two stories

42:41

high. Insane. So

42:43

much fun. The watching

42:45

of digital candy. Just,

42:49

that's the real candy crush. Yeah,

42:52

no, it really is. So

42:55

these ones, it's two, tall

42:58

TV, like a fucking normal big

43:00

screen turned on its head, right?

43:03

But then there's another one stacked on top. And

43:05

that one is just kind of used for ancillary

43:08

graphics or whatever, this is the one that, it's

43:10

already pretty fucking high, right? That's where the main

43:12

slots are. And then you get the

43:14

Oompa Loompa bonus. And

43:16

your life changes. Do you know the

43:18

song for the Oompa Loompa bonus? Boompa

43:21

loompa doompa dee doo. I've

43:23

got a jackpot waiting for you.

43:26

It's really haunting because when you

43:28

hear that, you can

43:31

hear that one cut through the casino floor. You really

43:33

can. You can be walking by and hear it going.

43:36

Yeah. You're like, I smell

43:38

it. Here, and I smell the Willy Wonka machine somewhere around here.

43:40

Right, so this is what it looks like, right? And

43:43

then you get the Oompa Loompa bonus. This

43:45

is what you think it is, it's just this. This

43:49

is it right here. So these

43:51

fuckers jump on these little air pumps,

43:53

right? They're pumping the, look at what

43:55

happens. Boom, second screen. Oh,

43:58

again, oh. Even higher. This

44:02

doesn't do it justice right here. When

44:05

this happens, you're looking like this. It's

44:07

like up there, how tall it is. And

44:11

then you watch all these wilds come across the

44:13

screen and they are

44:15

responsible for stopping them. And

44:18

you're going insane. It is the most joy I've

44:20

ever felt in my entire life. Pfft. Pfft.

44:25

And I have a child. I'm kidding. I'm kidding.

44:30

Look, son, now you were a

44:32

gift from God, but this right here, this is

44:34

as close as you can get to him right

44:36

here. Now that's a Supendous win right there. That's

44:38

a big win. Let's see how much we're coming

44:40

away with here. 60,000 pennies.

44:43

70 bucks. 170 bucks. 169

44:45

bucks. LAO.

44:49

Gargantuan win. This is

44:51

my first weekend home in a minute, so I

44:53

just... Nice. I

44:56

locked the fuck in. On? Counter-strike.

44:59

A little bit counter-strike, but I did

45:01

a lot of nothing. Nice.

45:04

I'm trying to think what the hell I did on Saturday. I don't even

45:06

remember. I had

45:08

a show on Saturday. In LA? Yeah.

45:11

There's Spahn Culver. Nice. We...

45:15

Oh, into the Cheesecake Factory. Oh, fuck yeah.

45:17

Oh, bro. That's what I'm talking about. Brother,

45:19

brother. Why? What was the occasion?

45:21

Just fuck it. Just Saturday? Just don't... Yeah,

45:23

just fuck it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's the

45:25

way to do it. God damn, I'm gonna

45:27

go there again. I'm... I

45:31

try to spend my time in the pits

45:34

of retail economy.

45:36

Yeah. The

45:38

absolute hells that capitalism

45:41

has created. It's not hell

45:43

at all. What do you mean? It's heaven.

45:45

No, it is. I call it hell or... Um...

45:51

I think the Cheesecake Factory... I

45:55

think it's called hell because it's just filled with sin, right?

45:57

Yeah, but no, I think the Cheesecake Factory... I think so,

45:59

sin. I think Cheesecake Factory is

46:01

how you imagine like purgatory. Mmm.

46:05

Like the show Lost could have just

46:07

been all in a cheesecake factory. Waiting

46:12

for the table though. That's the only difference. Waiting

46:14

for the table. No, no, no. Once you're at

46:16

the table, it's heaven. But they

46:18

do, it's so busy there always. Yeah. And

46:21

it's such a fucking factory. Yeah. That I

46:23

agree. It's like, you

46:26

know, it's like a... Well, what happens in

46:28

this purgatory is when the bill comes, you

46:30

sign and then you look up and you're

46:33

handing your keys to the valet again. Yeah,

46:36

okay. I see. So

46:38

it's this infinite loop. Yeah. And every

46:40

time it's like a different meal with a different family.

46:42

Yeah. Oh, I see. But

46:44

I'll have the cheese torpedoes, please. Yeah. But...

46:48

I'm having deja vu. I think I just ordered those. He's

46:51

like, no you didn't. This is our first time here.

46:53

I'll have the chicken missiles. Yeah. Chicken

46:56

missiles. I

46:59

had the orange chicken. Okay. And

47:01

I'm looking at it and it's glazed.

47:03

It's candy chicken. I already

47:06

know this going in. I'm fully aware I'm

47:08

getting donut chicken. Yeah. But

47:11

I'm eating it and as

47:16

I'm like every nugget further, I

47:19

feel like the

47:22

high coming from the sugar.

47:24

Yeah. And you

47:26

know, I'm fucking 25 pieces deep and I'm

47:29

like, this is starting to feel like donut

47:31

holes. Okay. This doesn't...

47:33

I don't know if there's any chicken in here. It

47:36

says... Did you look at the calories? Oh,

47:38

I looked at it all. What did it say? Because it

47:40

says the calories on the menu, right? It

47:42

does. But I looked up the nutritional facts

47:44

because I'm like, what are we talking DV

47:47

for sugar? Okay. What daily

47:49

value we got going on here. If

47:51

you had to get... Do you know the DV for like

47:54

your daily sugar intake? Do you know the grams? No.

47:57

Take a guess. Um, like zero? Is

48:00

it not necessary? It's

48:04

not necessary, but you know, the... Five

48:06

grams? The suggested amount of day, roughly.

48:10

10 grams. I believe it's like 35.

48:14

Okay. Which I think is

48:16

wrong. Yeah. Probably shouldn't be that.

48:18

Right. But that's

48:20

probably fruits from sugars, right?

48:22

Or sugars from fruits, probably,

48:24

right? Probably. Like natural sugars.

48:26

Probably. Okay.

48:28

So let's call it... Let's

48:31

say you should probably have maybe

48:34

five grams of sugar. Okay. How

48:38

many would you guess is in the orange chicken? I

48:47

don't know, 50. 77 grams. 77

48:51

grams of sugar? How

48:53

much is in like a pint of ice cream? Let's look that

48:55

up right now. Pint

48:58

of ice cream. So I read... Pint

49:00

of vanilla ice cream. I'm driving home. I

49:04

feel early onset diabetes. My

49:07

toes... Losing feeling. My toes

49:10

are not working. And I'm

49:12

kind of laughing. And so I started looking up ways

49:14

to counteract high sugar

49:16

intake. And they say pound water, take

49:21

a nap. And I had to take a nap. There

49:25

was so much sugar I had to pass out

49:27

for a bit. Wait, you're looking up ways to

49:29

counteract sugar intake. Yeah,

49:31

that's how high I had to. And you ended up on a Reddit thread

49:34

of people being like, well, don't have that much sugar. Yes,

49:36

actually. I probably wouldn't go to Cheesecake Factory. Actually,

49:38

yes. Capital is hell in there. Actually, yes. I

49:42

already went, you guys. Pint

49:44

of vanilla ice cream from Marie Callender's...

49:47

Zoom in for us. 90

49:50

grams. So you almost ate

49:52

a whole pint of ice cream worth

49:54

of calories. Of sugar. Of something that's

49:56

supposed to be savory. Yeah. Yeah,

49:59

donut chicken. I should call that donut

50:01

holes and rice. What are the calories in the orange

50:03

chicken? It was like what is

50:05

it? I was about to say

50:07

1800 1800. Yeah, that's that

50:10

fucking rules dude that

50:12

rules It's really clever what they do

50:14

here because they were confusing me because right below that

50:16

the 1350 That's

50:19

why I couldn't answer straightaway because I couldn't remember if

50:21

it was 18 or 1300 calories. I

50:23

think they arranged this in a way Where

50:25

the higher calorie ones some of them tend to fall

50:29

Near one yeah like a discrepancy so if

50:31

you're actually these are low-calorie No, no, but

50:33

one's lower than the other so it's

50:35

like giving you this false sense of You

50:39

know well, it's it's not 2,000 Yeah,

50:42

yeah, look who's I know I know

50:44

yeah, they're like sales people they like it's like maybe

50:46

if we put 1499 people We'll

50:49

think it's yeah, you know not 1500 dude.

50:51

These are fucking wheel of fortune numbers look

50:53

at this kitchen Oh, what is it

50:55

chicken katsu? 3,500 calories and And

51:01

I don't mean to be like a calorie freak But

51:03

like that's your daily value for a fucking

51:05

fully grown man Yeah is 2,000 basically

51:08

if you're like looking to maintain your

51:10

weight well, that's insane That's

51:13

why you you kind of have

51:15

to fast before going to Cheesecake Factory. That's how you do

51:17

it You got to train for it. Yeah, well. I'm just

51:19

laughing because the thing

51:21

I've noticed In the last

51:23

three weeks every establishment. I go

51:26

to and this is not a smart observation,

51:28

but You

51:30

look up from looking at these numbers, and you

51:32

look around the restaurant, and there's not a single

51:34

person drinking water Yeah, everyone

51:37

is drinking coke refills of

51:39

coke Sugary ass

51:41

cocktails you're like Everyone

51:44

in here is gonna lose their left foot. Yeah every

51:46

single person in here No, you know the wildest thing

51:48

is about Cheesecake Factory though is Like

51:51

so the entrees are what they are

51:53

right? How

51:55

many calories would you guess is in a piece of

51:57

cheesecake from there? Oh there's by

51:59

the way They're not big no they're

52:01

not I would honestly guess

52:04

like 1800 calories. Yeah, it's like something like that

52:08

Would you go to it on the menu there? They're

52:13

all above a thousand in one

52:18

Piece I remember like cuz they display it on the

52:20

like on the thing now So like when you go to like

52:22

the window to get a piece of cheesecake it says how many

52:24

calories and I thought it was the whole cake And

52:29

I had to look it up on my phone To

52:31

confirm that it was one piece and then

52:33

I was like dude in this whole cake.

52:35

There's like 20 thousand fucking How do you

52:37

even get that many calories in something? I

52:40

really think they make no it's worse It's worse

52:42

than a crumble cookie. Yeah. Oh, yeah

52:44

true. I think right. I

52:46

just meant it density I

52:48

just meant it in terms of like you could eat a quarter of

52:51

that and that's like yeah Yeah, I think

52:53

when they're making all this food. They're just getting

52:55

a shovel and They're

52:57

just it's just shoveling sugar into

52:59

everything. Yeah, yeah What's

53:04

the most highest calorie piece

53:07

and can we can we do it can we door dash it

53:09

right now? What

53:14

is it 1500 dude we

53:18

never talked about I Just

53:22

read this really funny tweet thread you probably saw it too

53:25

Cuz you know it's funny as I I read

53:27

it And then I was in Kelsey's parents room

53:29

reading this tweet and then I walked

53:31

into our room and Kelsey was in bed She was like check

53:33

out this crazy tweet thread, and it was this same fucking thread

53:36

that I just read About

53:38

the the dude that died recently

53:40

from Supersize

53:42

me And

53:47

the person was like I'm rewatching the movie right

53:49

now Knowing this and

53:52

in this context. It's so fucking funny like

53:54

it's so clear that he was an alcoholic

53:56

Yeah, like three days into this his doctor's

53:58

like yeah liver is like

54:00

completely fucked up only seen a liver

54:03

like this you know in in like

54:06

career like alcoholics and he's like whoa

54:08

that's crazy after three days of McDonald's

54:10

cheeseburger all of us were like that's

54:12

nuts dude they were they were showing

54:14

that in schools oh yeah dude he

54:16

made fucking 20 million bucks from that

54:19

shit and he was just an

54:21

alcoholic the whole time whole time he was

54:23

drinking Wow he

54:25

like there I guess there's some scenes where he wakes up

54:27

and he's like I have a raging headache this morning like

54:29

every single morning after like seven

54:31

days of McDonald's meanwhile

54:34

he's getting hammered people

54:38

filming must have been like you bro they

54:41

must have when they were filming this they're like no

54:43

way this takes like I

54:46

don't even think like I don't

54:49

even did we know how bad alcohol was for

54:51

you back then yeah I

54:54

guess yeah yeah dude I

54:56

think being an alcoholic wasn't as much of like

54:59

a defined thing in

55:01

the 90s you know yes

55:05

but I'm just I'm saying more like they're

55:08

probably hanging out with him after they're recording he's

55:11

just saying like they're looking at him

55:13

thinking there's no way

55:15

this documentary does

55:17

anything this guy's insane yeah and then

55:19

he goes on to just be a

55:21

hit yeah and the guy the actual

55:23

videographers thinking this fucker

55:26

yeah how can you say it's McDonald

55:28

yeah man

55:31

you got to think the McDonald's legal team is

55:34

fuming now because they probably

55:36

went to war with that guy they did

55:38

they so I think they

55:40

I don't know if this was independent or if

55:42

they funded this but there was a team in

55:44

Sweden that like tried to reproduce the results like

55:48

you know a certain amount of months after

55:50

the documentary came out they couldn't because like

55:52

wasn't scientifically possible basically like McDonald's just didn't

55:55

and so like you know obviously the

55:57

stock is like recovered and everything and McDonald's

56:00

like fast food is bigger now than

56:02

it's ever been. But for

56:04

a moment there, it was like the entire fucking society

56:06

was against fast food because

56:09

of that movie. That's

56:13

so crazy. But I guess

56:15

what I'm saying is like, were the effects of alcohol

56:17

as obvious,

56:19

they're not as like defined as they are now, where

56:21

you know if you have two beers, like your

56:23

sleep is fucked up, like we have proof of that

56:26

now. The 90s it was kind

56:28

of like, people didn't know that it was alcohol causing

56:30

a lot of issues in health, right? No, no, we

56:32

definitely know more now, but I think, yeah,

56:35

all I meant by that was, I

56:38

think a videographer watching this guy get hammered

56:41

every night would just think, is

56:45

it the McDonald's? But I'm saying was the videographer probably

56:47

getting hammered too, and everyone was just like waking up

56:49

in the morning, like this is how you feel in

56:51

the morning? I think that's the 50s. Yeah,

56:56

yeah, probably. Drinking whiskey at work and

56:58

fucking cocaine. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're like,

57:00

we always feel like this. And

57:03

then some nerd is like, actually. And

57:07

by the way, I fucking love McDonald's, I actually do. Well,

57:10

yeah, that guy's gone now. Well,

57:14

did you see this post

57:16

from this, maybe you should

57:18

have read this in the Reddit portion. Did

57:21

you see this? No. No.

57:25

Click it. A

57:27

modern love story. That guy's,

57:30

that is the rom-com we've been needing. He's

57:34

just a normal guy with

57:37

a dirty little secret. He's

57:42

fallen in love. The only

57:45

problem is it's

57:47

not her on the other end.

57:49

The only problem is he's an

57:51

OnlyFan. Yeah. Yeah.

57:54

And then it cuts to the other guy. And

57:57

it's Seth Rogen pretending to be the only- I'm

57:59

the only fans girl. Ugh! Whatever

58:02

his laugh is. So he is now chatting

58:05

with the guy who's in love. Oh, I see. The

58:07

guy who's in love is Paul Rudd. The guy running

58:10

the girl's account. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it's Paul

58:12

Rudd on the other side. And

58:14

they follow, that's a fucking genius

58:16

idea. You're fucking, you're

58:18

spitting today, dude. Thanks, dude, cooking with guests. No, that's

58:20

actually such a fucking good idea and they fall in

58:23

love. Yeah, and then Paul. As like friends and they

58:25

just make really good friends. Yeah,

58:27

well they're chatting at first. And it's I love you man too.

58:29

Yes. Yeah,

58:32

I didn't say anything that smart. Well then no,

58:34

then Paul Rudd is chatting and then

58:36

Craig Robinson walks in and he's like, the fuck you

58:38

doing, man? Mm-hmm. And

58:42

Paul Rudd turns and he's like, I

58:46

love her, man. I think it's

58:48

real. I think it's real. She's

58:51

telling me things that you can't find online. I

58:53

think it's real. And he's like, that bitch ain't

58:56

real, dog. Yeah, you're chatting with a dude. That's

58:58

a man on the other side. Yeah. We're

59:00

gonna go get coffee. What? Yeah.

59:03

I'm slapping the bass. And

59:05

then they go meet and it's Seth. And he's like,

59:09

I had to tell you in person. That's

59:12

just Trump. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm sorry, Paul.

59:16

You thought you were talking with the hottest

59:19

OnlyFans fan? Yeah, I can't

59:21

do it. Seth Rogen. And then it takes a

59:24

turn when

59:26

the actual OnlyFans girl gets

59:30

kidnapped. And

59:32

Seth Rogen and Paul Rudd have to go save

59:34

her. With Craig Robinson. And then the girl actually

59:36

falls in love with Paul Rudd. No,

59:38

she doesn't. No, but he says no to

59:40

her because it would jeopardize him and, yeah,

59:42

his friendship with Seth Rogen. Yeah. So

59:45

he says no, that's how the movie ends. And

59:47

the whole film, they periodically cut to Craig Robinson

59:49

going, to fuck you, pull me into the

59:51

shit form, man. That's

59:54

the whole movie. All right, anyways.

59:56

So yeah, so read this. R slash

59:58

virgin. The Holy

1:00:00

Fan's Guru I'm subscribed to slash in

1:00:02

love with keeps posting about some guy

1:00:04

she's having sex with. It's

1:00:08

causing me suicidal thoughts. She

1:00:10

is so cute. It causes

1:00:12

me pains in my

1:00:14

chest to even look at her. Oh

1:00:17

my God, bro, come on. She

1:00:20

is literal perfection. I

1:00:23

literally cannot believe that some guy is

1:00:25

lucky enough to put his

1:00:27

wiener in her vagina. He's his

1:00:29

penis in vagina. His wiener in

1:00:32

her. Why are you censoring it?

1:00:35

Because it's funnier. I cannot.

1:00:37

I literally cannot believe when you get to the last

1:00:39

paragraph, you have to be explicit. OK, what he says

1:00:41

is very funny. I literally

1:00:44

cannot believe some guys lucky enough to put his

1:00:46

penis in her vagina. Why?

1:00:48

Because her labia structure is perfect.

1:00:54

I've measured it in Photoshop using

1:00:56

referential elements on her own body.

1:00:59

Her vagina is symmetrical,

1:01:02

an unlikely occurrence in most human genomes. He's

1:01:05

writing all this. This guy's not. All

1:01:10

right, no, he says, OK, guy

1:01:13

lucky enough to put his wiener in her

1:01:15

vagina. He

1:01:17

says, why? I want to

1:01:19

know what about this guy. What

1:01:22

this guy has done. What this guy has

1:01:24

done. Sorry, I can't read. To deserve being

1:01:27

so fortunate. First of

1:01:29

all, crazy framing

1:01:31

of life. What

1:01:33

this guy has done to deserve. That

1:01:39

is just such a crazy way to be like,

1:01:41

I defeat Bowser and

1:01:43

I deserve pussy. Anyway,

1:01:50

I want to know what this guy has done to deserve

1:01:52

being so fortunate. I want to

1:01:54

know why does such a fortunate. Why

1:01:57

does such a fortune never befall me?

1:02:00

you talk like that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Why are you

1:02:02

talking medieval? This guy's a time traveler. Yeah. Why

1:02:05

hath not a fortune of this? Why does

1:02:07

such fortune never befall me? It's not me.

1:02:11

An utter god is sleeping with swine.

1:02:15

Nothing more than a bread carrier.

1:02:20

I swear to God, life as an adult

1:02:22

virgin is like life in a permanent torture

1:02:24

chamber. Dude, send this guy to Gitmo. It

1:02:28

would be so happy to be on a

1:02:30

computer masturbating, I think, after a couple days.

1:02:33

It is literally that scene from Borat where

1:02:36

the disabled man they keep in

1:02:39

a cage is tormented by a

1:02:41

woman who shows him her vagina.

1:02:44

You gotta say pussy, come on. No, it's

1:02:46

funny. It's so funny. Tormented by a woman

1:02:49

who shows him her pussy shouting, you

1:02:51

will never get this, you will never get

1:02:53

this. That is literally my entire life. Okay,

1:02:57

this is a good paragraph. About

1:03:00

a year ago, this OnlyFans girl posted

1:03:02

a video of her fucking some guy,

1:03:04

and I'm still traumatized by it. I

1:03:07

could fucking see her pussy

1:03:09

juice glistening

1:03:12

on his dick. I

1:03:15

instantly closed it and tried to

1:03:17

forget, but I still remember it

1:03:19

a year later. That image is

1:03:21

seared into my brain. Oh

1:03:25

my God, dude. Oh

1:03:29

my God, man. The glistening

1:03:31

pussy juice is just, that

1:03:34

is just poetry right there. Unbelievable.

1:03:39

It's gotta feel so crazy

1:03:41

to, like, your

1:03:43

fluids are spoken of in such a

1:03:45

poetic way. Yeah, seriously. I

1:03:48

don't think, like

1:03:52

his glistening pre-cum, dribbling from his beautiful,

1:03:54

you know what I mean? Like

1:03:57

that, that's not shit. That wouldn't do it for you?

1:10:00

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