0:00

This. Is Actually Happening features real experiences

0:02

that often include traumatic events. Please consult

0:04

the show notes for specific content, warnings

0:06

on each episode, and for more information

0:08

about support services. If.

0:17

I could truly be a healed

0:19

person, a person at peace or

0:21

person who is learn from the

0:24

journey. I would probably think that

0:26

I was enough. And

0:28

I was of great value to somebody

0:30

out there that I could be at

0:32

peace every night when I go to

0:35

sleep and not think. what have I

0:37

made of my life? What have I

0:39

done? Do I matter to anyone? Is

0:41

anything of any significance. From

0:51

Laundry I'm wit Missile Line. You

0:54

are listening to This is actually happening.

1:04

Episode Three Fifty. What

1:08

if your life became a movie? The

1:29

problem with talking about my parents is that a

1:31

lot of it is based in almost like a

1:33

folklore. You don't really know who to believe. You

1:36

know that you're here. One thing for my mom

1:38

and another thing for my dad. another thing for

1:40

my relatives. All I can

1:42

really say that I know for

1:44

sure about my dad is he

1:46

grew up in Pasadena. He was

1:48

valedictorian prom king, super well liked,

1:50

really popular, and then at some

1:52

point when he was a teenager

1:55

he became what I'm assuming is

1:57

gets a frantic. I.

1:59

don't actually know was never really diagnosed,

2:01

but from what I can tell, like,

2:03

he definitely was extremely paranoid, and he

2:05

would have these episodes, like, every couple

2:07

years where he'd decide that everybody was

2:09

laying traps for him, like, literally laying,

2:11

like, scorpions under his doormat, and everybody

2:13

around him was cooking meth, and then

2:15

he'd kind of snap, and he'd call

2:18

you screaming at you, or show up

2:20

acting like a nut trying to fight

2:22

somebody, and every once in a while

2:24

when he would kind of go off, he'd disappear for a

2:26

while. So he

2:28

was kind of wild. I think maybe it

2:30

got worse as he got older, because it

2:32

seemed like he was pretty functional. He had

2:34

jobs, he worked as an electrician, he was

2:36

in a band, you know, they were kind

2:38

of living like a Malibu party lifestyle, and,

2:41

you know, I think he was a little

2:43

volatile, and, you know, when he met my

2:45

mom, they had this whirlwind relationship that ended

2:48

basically with me, and then

2:50

they were never really together after that. I

2:55

definitely have a better sense of my mom's upbringing, just because she

2:57

was the one that I grew up with for the most part.

2:59

She had four sisters and a brother, and her dad was

3:02

a, I

3:05

guess he'd been in the army, and so he would

3:07

run the house with a very severe military precision. It's

3:12

clear he was abusive, physically, maybe sexually. He

3:14

claims that he would, like, line up the

3:16

daughters and check them to see how well they were developing,

3:18

things like that. So

3:22

she had a pretty nightmarish relationship with him, and I

3:24

think struck out on her own very young, started working

3:26

right away, started making money. Really was very capable, and,

3:28

you know, she

3:32

was like the prettiest, smartest girl in town, you know,

3:34

like all the rock stars wanted to date her. She

3:36

turned down Mick Jagger. Mick Jagger tried to date her,

3:38

she wasn't into it, you know? And

3:44

she had me in her mid-30s, so she

3:46

was, I think by the standards of that

3:48

generation, she, you know, had

3:50

a kid later in life, and, you know, she said it Was

3:53

like the most incredible thing that ever happened to

3:55

her, and she was so happy to have a

3:57

child, and she immediately realized, like, when she... Yeah,

4:00

Dickensian, Get rid of my dad does. He was

4:02

some a mass and an alcoholic and you know,

4:05

partying, inspiring of guns and doing god knows what?

4:07

My dad did. But. That was when she

4:09

had a moment of clarity and was like i I,

4:11

I can be with this guy. I

4:15

think having a really strict father. Made.

4:18

My mom, extremely resentful

4:20

towards anything that resembles

4:22

authority. So. She's

4:24

always been a little bit of a crook

4:26

cysts, you know, she likes to do things

4:28

to, but the systems it hates being told

4:31

what to. She. Refuses to pay your

4:33

taxes years, gets into fistfights a security guards

4:35

of the dollars you can't go down a

4:37

certain court or like. She's always been extremely

4:39

fiery and and really never wanted to be

4:41

controlled by a. By.

4:45

The time I was born on, my

4:47

mom and dad are on the outs

4:49

and my mom was raising me by

4:51

yourself. She was working as a property

4:54

manager at this hundred unit complex and

4:56

Pasadena. I. Was really loved the

4:58

oh my Mom was very affectionate. But.

5:00

She was. You know? I don't know what she

5:02

was dealing with, but she wasn't around much, she

5:04

was working, she was just kind of not there.

5:06

I spent a lot of time alone eating peanut

5:09

butter out a jars, but some I was happy

5:11

and it was just the two of us. One.

5:14

Night my mom is at like the

5:17

local diner and she recognizes he's for

5:19

Cuban guys as being in this rock

5:21

band. Our pop band really called Och

5:23

So L Xl and at a hit

5:25

song called Worley Girl. And.

5:27

They had like a very expensive music video

5:29

they were on like solid gold and pop

5:31

and rockers and all the shows that you

5:33

would be on back then. And.

5:35

She went up to them and was like

5:38

hey Iraq So and she started dating the

5:40

lead singer. But. Apparently that

5:42

didn't work out and she ended up

5:44

with my stepdad Frank's. So.

5:47

Basically, the lead singer of Och So

5:49

was the guy sedated first, but then

5:51

the bass player from Och So Frank

5:54

is the guy she ended up dating

5:56

after. Frank.

5:58

was night seen at the time You know

6:00

Cuban immigrant I'd grown up in Florida. This

6:02

was his first band mom's 35. Maybe she's

6:05

even older I don't know. She's probably 38

6:07

40 again. No one knows my mom's real

6:09

age. Not even the government Then

6:12

Frank came into my life. I was five and

6:14

I didn't like him. I didn't like him one

6:16

bit I use a very sweet guy looking back But you

6:18

know I had just been me and my mom and I

6:21

was semi neglected at that point I didn't get a lot

6:23

of attention. I didn't get out of the house. It wasn't

6:25

going to school but then

6:28

Right around that time everything

6:30

really changed My

6:33

dad's parents my grandparents and my father's

6:36

side I'd met them once or twice

6:38

before and they would take me out to lunch or Disney

6:40

World or something nice And you know I

6:42

barely knew them, but they seemed like nice old people They

6:45

showed up one day and we're like hey You know

6:47

we're gonna go on a trip I don't know if

6:49

it was Disneyland or somewhere and then hung out with

6:51

them They brought me back to their place in the

6:54

valley they lived in like a townhouses for the elderly

6:56

kind of situation I

6:58

kept saying what am I going back, and they'd

7:00

be like oh yeah Yeah, soon soon, and

7:03

then I was there another week, and I'd say what am I

7:05

going back, and they'd go yeah Yeah, soon soon, and

7:08

then finally they told me that I was never ever

7:10

going back, and this was my new home I Was

7:13

like oh geez what? What

7:16

is happening to me who are these old people? Why

7:18

have they kidnapped me? Where's my mom? Why isn't she

7:20

trying to find me? They immediately enrolled me in

7:22

kindergarten They immediately

7:24

enrolled me in kindergarten It's

7:26

funny if you see pictures of me from that time

7:28

I they've like shaved my head I had long you

7:31

know like little rocker boy hair They shave my head

7:33

I just look like a pale little deer in the

7:35

headlights and it sounds like a cliche But I would

7:37

cry myself to sleep every night I I

7:39

just couldn't wrap my brain around who these people were

7:42

and you know that I would never see my mom

7:44

again I

7:46

was in this you know creepy house in this creepy guest

7:48

bedroom I would have such vivid

7:50

nightmares that I learned how to control them I

7:53

started to realize oh this must be another one of

7:55

these nightmares because they were so frequent so vivid that

7:57

I would picture a Box of crayons like those Crayola

7:59

crayons and I would pull one out

8:01

and one of the crowns in the box was the

8:03

way to wake up. At

8:07

the same time, I was a good student. I

8:10

was getting good grades and I don't know,

8:12

what could I do? You know, I just

8:14

assumed that my mom was out there trying

8:16

to find me. I thought any

8:18

day there'd be a knock at the door like she'd

8:20

swing in, you know, on a vine like Tarzan through

8:22

a window and scoop me up and out of there

8:24

and it would all be behind me. One

8:29

day when I was sort of confessing

8:31

this to my grandmother, she told me

8:33

that my mom had married Frank. And

8:36

you know, he'd only been around for, I don't know, like

8:38

a month before they took me. And

8:40

that was kind of the sort of the

8:42

final crushing blow was I thought, well, I've

8:44

been replaced. Like how could she be marrying this

8:47

20 years younger musician guy

8:49

when I'm not there? Like why isn't

8:51

she focusing on saving me?

8:53

She's in love, she's getting married. Like

8:55

it was inconceivable to me, you know,

8:57

it was this sort of first feeling

8:59

of betrayal. Like I'm really on my

9:01

own now, you know, I've got nobody. Like I just got

9:03

to move forward and figure out how I

9:06

can get out of here. It

9:08

was very sobering at a very young age to

9:10

hear that. So

9:14

when I was living with my grandparents

9:16

in their own strange way, I guess had my best interests

9:18

at Hark. You know, I think my

9:21

grandmother wanted me to get an education and she

9:23

wanted me to be looked after. And she looked

9:25

around and was like, oh, everyone's a complete mess

9:27

in this kid's life. I got to swoop in

9:30

there. But I don't think she had like

9:32

an emotional understanding of how that would affect me or if

9:34

she did, she didn't care. Eventually,

9:37

my mom worked out with my grandmother away to

9:39

see me on the weekends. But, you know, she

9:41

was always living in a different place with different

9:43

people. She was, I think at

9:45

this point had started drinking. So when I would

9:47

get to see her, she wasn't really present. She

9:50

was stressed out. What

9:52

I come to find out later is that she

9:54

was still working, but she was supporting Frank in

9:56

Florida and sending him money because they were throwing

9:58

good. money after bad. He had had this hit.

10:01

He'd been in this big band. She just thought,

10:03

like, well, I got to put all my eggs

10:05

in this basket of him breaking

10:07

through again and getting a big hit song and

10:09

then we'll all be living the high life and

10:11

it'll be worth it. But she was struggling to

10:14

keep up with work and supporting herself and supporting

10:16

him and I think taking a

10:18

lot of pills at the time and drinking. So

10:20

she just wasn't really there. Even though I was

10:22

happy to see her, something felt amiss. I couldn't

10:25

quite get over thinking about the fact she'd married

10:27

Frank. She didn't really pay attention to me when

10:29

she was drunk and I knew something was off

10:31

but I still at that point in my life, I

10:33

still thought it would all be solved if I could

10:36

just live with my mom again. What

10:40

ended up happening was my grandmother

10:42

got diagnosed with bone cancer. So

10:45

one day I was dropped off at

10:47

my biological father's house, Gilbert's house. When

10:50

my mom would talk about him, he was

10:52

the boogeyman. He was Gilbert, like, oh my

10:54

God, what if Gilbert finds where I'm living?

10:56

Gilbert's scary. Gilbert was like this horrible monster

10:59

that I would have nightmares about, this guy

11:01

outside. Gilbert's Gilbert. So because

11:03

they were broken up by the time I

11:05

was being raised, they started calling me G.J.

11:07

to differentiate me from Gilbert whose name was

11:09

synonymous with the devil. And

11:12

when my grandmother drops me off, it's like, you're

11:14

staying with Gilbert now? I was like, oh no,

11:16

no, no fucking way, I'm out of here. I

11:19

was pretty terrified. And

11:23

Gilbert was a raging alcoholic and very violent,

11:25

very violent temper, like I said, he was

11:27

very paranoid. And he would put on this

11:30

old man mask that he had and I

11:32

remember him coming back from bars, shit-faced drunk,

11:34

covered in blood, peeling

11:37

off this horrible old man mask and saying,

11:39

I got into a fight. And at

11:42

this point is when I finally broke, I was

11:44

like, I have to get out of here. I

11:46

have to be back with my mom. Like, I

11:48

cannot be with this man. This

11:50

is too much. My

11:54

mom decides that she's finally

11:56

going to settle down. Frank

11:59

is going to move. I'm Florida. We're

12:01

all gonna basically rent a place in

12:03

L A together and lived together for

12:05

the first time. And she does

12:08

kind of the same moves. She picks me up

12:10

one day and there was literally like if you

12:12

can imagine, sort of a cartoonish. What was like

12:14

Gilbert was holding my one arm and my mom

12:16

was holding my other and they were pulling me

12:18

back and forth and I remember I punched Gilbert

12:21

and the knows what's I feel kind of guilty

12:23

about. Even I was like southern. He.

12:26

Released his grip of my mom and I

12:28

literally ran to the car and drove off.

12:30

Like says the Keeper of Lifetime And of

12:32

course I was convinced that ah ok now

12:34

is really gonna be good again and. And

12:36

it wasn't. Thing.

12:40

About being a kid is like a

12:42

wise person who learns from you know

12:44

past disappointments he'll sort of hang on

12:46

to hope that you wouldn't hang onto

12:48

as a grown up. We.

12:52

Ended up bouncing around from place to

12:54

place for a couple years. Again, I

12:56

wasn't going to school. So. We

12:58

lived with various family friends. you know

13:00

he sometimes thought than a in our

13:02

van. She. Was afraid to try

13:04

to put me in school because then you know

13:07

she didn't have legal custody of me. So she

13:09

was afraid they'd come in basically take me away

13:11

again. And. So we kind of had

13:13

this little rough life of running scams on

13:15

people. Kind

13:18

of scams that my mom would do

13:20

at that time were mostly just ways

13:22

of bilking people she was stringing along

13:24

for money. She. Had

13:26

like this old guy named pat and top with

13:29

this elderly posts man and she was sort of

13:31

state dating him to try to get money out

13:33

of them. And. We'd go to

13:35

like to the library and like basically

13:37

take legal documents and a white the

13:39

mountain and use a typewriter there and

13:41

photocopy them and should be like Opi

13:43

Oh man getting sued. I needed the

13:45

hundred thousand dollars and is due to

13:47

the shelling out money from my mom

13:50

and who had no idea that she

13:52

was married to a guy in Florida

13:54

the entire time. I. know

13:56

the whole time he was there he was having

13:58

affairs he was blowing money on coke like He

14:00

wasn't exactly rising to regain

14:02

the oxo stardom that he had. He

14:04

was just fucking around. Frank

14:09

moved to LA. We

14:11

rented a house in Altadena where she proceeded

14:13

to basically buy him an entire music studio.

14:17

Here was this guy who like figuratively, literally

14:19

seemed to have replaced me. You

14:21

know, I was stuck at my grandparents while she was marrying

14:23

this guy. We were living in

14:25

vans while he was, you know, playing

14:27

music in Florida. It seemed

14:29

like he had always been the priority and I

14:31

don't know if it was true love on her

14:34

part or if it was just an inability to

14:36

walk away without, you know, having that success come

14:38

back, if she was really hung on to that

14:40

dream and really believed in his talent or something.

14:42

But, you know, I just saw him as

14:44

like my younger brother who came along and replaced

14:47

me and got all the attention and the funding

14:49

and the emotional support. That

14:52

was kind of the next sort of hell

14:54

chapter, you know, was all of us

14:56

living together. I

15:00

was terrified of nightmares still and

15:02

very afraid of the dark and I didn't

15:05

sleep a lot. And mind

15:07

you, this whole time there's a lot of sex happening

15:09

a lot, which was pretty unpleasant.

15:12

I remember once there was like a maggot infestation

15:14

in the kitchen. There were dirty

15:16

dishes with food in them and rotting on

15:18

the stove. They were fighting a lot.

15:20

They were screaming at each other all the time. She

15:22

was mad about his latest affair. She

15:25

would punch and kick him and, you know, he

15:27

was a functional alcoholic. My

15:29

mom, not so much. She

15:31

would have very little to drink and

15:33

go through like this very horrible phase of

15:35

first she'd start talking to me in baby

15:37

talk and then she'd get

15:40

viciously angry and then she'd pass out. And

15:42

so she was barely able to, you know,

15:45

hold down a job to pay the rent

15:47

and he wasn't working, of course. Sometimes

15:50

they dropped me off at school and I'd be sitting

15:52

at the school until like 7 p.m. or something just

15:54

sitting on the wall, you know, waiting for someone to

15:56

come get me. They

15:58

just didn't have any of that. ability to

16:00

be responsible adults. They were way

16:02

caught up in their melodrama of

16:04

fighting and making up. One

16:08

time she got some at him. She kicked

16:10

him in the face with a cowboy boot

16:12

and literally busted open his whole face. And

16:14

there was blood everywhere. And she ended up

16:16

getting arrested and dragged through the apartment complex

16:18

and handcuffs. It was just bad. This

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18:12

It would have been the latter half of

18:14

fourth grade when I went back to school.

18:16

I came in mid year. Even.

18:19

Though I saw was obsessed with getting good

18:21

grades and I was a bright people that

18:23

are I would fight all the time I

18:25

was fight fight fight I was citing constantly.

18:28

It was pretty silly. You know, I had Dixit

18:30

Coke bottle glasses and his com hundred an hour.

18:32

Just like literally wait until they turn their back

18:34

on the and than just like smack him upside

18:37

the head with a textbook or something. So.

18:39

Like I got. this reputation is like a

18:41

psycho. You know, like don't fuck with Aca

18:43

he's a psycho. You know the tic this

18:45

kid and the Nazis efforts and I loved

18:47

it. I love the yolk as it was

18:50

like a shield. I was like yeah well

18:52

you know unknowns missing with me. There's some

18:54

respect the had about being known as someone

18:56

will throw down. And really loves to

18:58

fight like it was very, very gratifying for me

19:00

at that age. And so

19:02

I had this funny double life of like on the

19:04

teacher said i was is great kid and all that

19:06

students are like that guy's messed up man. So.

19:11

At that time I was still drinking the

19:13

Kool Aid in the junior high years. I.

19:16

Was still I think obsessed with my

19:18

mom. I. Still thought she was the

19:20

key to saving me. She was the person who

19:22

truly loved me. And. She did in her

19:25

own weird way. She was always very supportive of

19:27

me. as I said like ah man this a

19:29

test common up as cool toy forgot about how

19:31

many sale at to be like or call the

19:33

school and city of a doctor's appointment in Us

19:35

history would pretty much your everything for me in

19:37

her capacity. The I just knew her capacity

19:39

was so limited because of the alcohol, so I hated

19:41

her drinking more than anything. After.

19:46

Living in this apartment we ended up getting an

19:48

actual house like my mom rented this actual house

19:50

and it was cause for some and everyone lived

19:53

in a house and I was of than apartments

19:55

and so that was pretty exciting and I had

19:57

my own little room I would go the

19:59

my room I would dad shut the door I

20:01

tune everything they were doing out. I got a

20:04

job stood or the dad turned fifteen an ass

20:06

I gotta work permit and I went up

20:08

and down the town begging someone ironies. I got

20:10

his old job at sixteen and a half. And.

20:13

Hour would just take the bus to school in

20:15

Santa. handle my own business. Insider like not you

20:17

know get dragged into the the crazy. And.

20:20

This went on for a while and

20:22

then the crazy finally reached a a

20:25

pretty explosive head. unfortunately. So.

20:29

Frank's finally had gotten a job is first ever

20:31

job that he managed to hold down from more

20:33

than a week. He was a hardware store. And.

20:36

He injured his hand. And.

20:39

Of course my mom saw dollar signs and was

20:41

like woo lawsuit settlements We got to do this

20:43

thing the how to run with it. So.

20:45

He was like they were kind of embroiled in

20:47

some sort of. You know, disability claim

20:49

where he was really land and on being like

20:52

well you know I'm a musician another my hands

20:54

hurt and can play. I'm really depressed and she

20:56

was sort of egging him on to kind of

20:58

lasers on. As sick as humanly possible. I

21:01

guess he started taking some sort of

21:04

pain killers or antidepressants. He

21:06

was acting nuttier and nuttier and nuttier. When.

21:08

I remember getting home when the

21:11

Saints and See and my mom

21:13

were fighting. Or even know what

21:15

triggered it. But. I heard

21:17

her screaming like he's hitting me,

21:19

hitting me. I

21:21

ran downstairs with a crossbow that I had.

21:23

I did, but this crossbow. And.

21:25

I was ready to apply to do

21:27

as I asked. finally kill Frank like

21:30

Zappa suffered. And

21:32

I go down there and he's not

21:34

hitting her. He's got a fireplace poker

21:37

in his hand and his trashing his

21:39

studio. She's

21:41

screaming at the top of the lungs because is

21:43

all the stuff that she bought for him. And

21:46

his dislikes out of his mind. Crazy

21:48

like absolutely terrifying and industry stocky guy

21:50

and I'm very skinny. He.

21:53

Ended up like wildly landing a blow on

21:55

my mom so I jumped in action that

21:57

I put him in a headlock and I'm

21:59

holding minutes have lock and screaming for my

22:01

mom to call Nine. One one free breaks

22:03

out. He's like slopping at the mouth and

22:05

screaming at me and I'm crying in my

22:07

mom's running around. I

22:09

let him go. And he looked

22:12

at me crying said. Tell. Me: You.

22:14

Know, just kill me. He. Was

22:16

begging me to kill him. The.

22:20

Cops showed up. And I ran to

22:22

the door. I had a crossbow in my

22:24

hand. If other guns on me and I

22:27

said no no no it's not me, it's on me and

22:29

I'm like I have sorry and up with the crossbow down.

22:31

And. They go in there and they're like,

22:34

you know, Frank's. Put. Down The weapon.

22:36

Put Down The weapon. And he starts.

22:38

Again, like frosting. it's mouth eyes crying

22:40

like somehow, both just abominable but also

22:42

utterly pathetic. You know it's like on

22:44

one hand and so the so much

22:47

rage it to behave and other hand,

22:49

it's just like watching a distant a

22:51

corner to animal. And

22:53

eight pepper spray them. And they

22:56

blast him in the face with it and is

22:58

tiny enclosed space and all the sudden like i

23:00

can't breathe no one's and breathes that your throat

23:02

closes up and like hits the floor and and

23:04

he's like crying and screaming. And

23:06

the end of a hog tying him. On.

23:09

Lighthouse amused also. again, I have feel so

23:11

bad, farm and in. I'd always kind of

23:13

wanted this to happen in a way you

23:15

know, as sick as it sounds. I wanted

23:17

him to find the cross the line I

23:19

wanted the relationship to finally and I wanted

23:21

to find someone else to say for him

23:23

to stop enabling her alcoholism because I blamed

23:25

him for everything. And. So anyway I

23:27

was like yeah, go to prison gangs. This

23:29

needs to stop. I.

23:33

Ended up comforting my mom. She.

23:36

Was obviously pretty cerebral.

23:38

She. Was swearing that this was it. The Suzette.

23:40

This was the end she was finding and a get

23:43

rid of them. She's seen the light. I

23:46

believed her foolishly because I figured more

23:48

this was the worst thing I've ever

23:50

seen around these two. You know this

23:52

system as a new level of bad.

23:54

So I thought that she would basically

23:56

tell him when he got out of

23:58

jail like me, find a new place

24:00

to live on minute move on my

24:02

life. Even. Though it was

24:04

traumatic, I figured at that time this was

24:07

maybe that the new beginning. you know, maybe

24:09

now she was gonna finally get our act

24:11

together. So.

24:13

He's in jail and she's basically trying

24:16

to figure out what to do with

24:18

him being in jail. Of

24:21

course, because my mother is is crafty,

24:23

mean because she's like a magical which.

24:25

She was able to use this incident

24:28

to bolster his disability claim in the

24:30

mental health issues he was having. So

24:32

she managed to turn this whole thing

24:35

around to get a huge chunk of

24:37

money in this lawsuit. She

24:40

got the money. And I remember

24:42

them sitting down and they very calmly

24:45

informed me that she's got these amazing

24:47

musical prospects and they're gonna take this

24:49

money and buy him a new studio.

24:54

And I have Sussex. Yeah.

24:56

That's it. Now that's that's now. I'm

24:58

done. Done. Now I'm I'm done. This

25:01

is it. Like you are never ever

25:03

gonna learn anything. He.

25:05

Trashed his own studio the you bought him and

25:08

you are going to take this money and by

25:10

I'm in is Deanna. You people disgust me. I

25:12

want nothing to do with either of you

25:14

ever again. When.

25:18

I think about my mom's actions that I

25:20

honestly can't say I I can fully understand

25:22

them work. with a party somewhere

25:24

or s or psychoanalyze them because they're

25:26

so foreign to how my brain works.

25:29

I don't know if she was

25:31

just so convinced of his impending

25:33

superstardom and his other undeniable talent

25:35

that she did truly feel like

25:37

investing the money and him would

25:40

pay off. Or. If she was

25:42

just in a drunken stupor and and really

25:44

didn't know what the hell she was doing.

25:46

I I really to this day I'd a

25:48

don't know. I really couldn't say why that

25:50

spell wouldn't be broken and then and it's

25:52

wanting to stay with a person who is.

25:55

You know, maybe it's not like a perfect

25:57

person who might have a drinking problem or

25:59

manage cheated. That. I can understand more

26:01

because it's just leave the crimes of the heart.

26:04

But. The financial stuff to seems completely

26:06

unbelievably stupid for person who's hustled so much

26:08

in their life and and is so capable

26:10

to be like oh yeah, here's a good

26:12

idea. I realize I

26:14

was never going to get it. I just

26:17

couldn't wrap my brain around it and I wasn't

26:19

a no longer terror. And I think that's if

26:21

is a moment where any hope I had of

26:23

them having a better life was just over. I

26:25

was the guy I wasn't gonna get a liquor

26:27

support from now my never had and I don't

26:29

know I thought I ever would. And.

26:32

Ah, I transferred to college in New

26:35

York, where I perfectly planned to. Never

26:37

speak Caesar of them again and let them rot

26:39

in their own madness. So.

26:43

I took a massive student loans hand,

26:45

I went off, transferred to Bard College

26:48

and was ready to be as far

26:50

from L A as humanly possible. That

26:52

was my, that's why I picked it.

26:57

So. I graduated from Barred and

26:59

your this was the summation of everything

27:02

I'd been working for on the side,

27:04

which was he own prejudice functional homeless,

27:06

but you know, very functional academic life.

27:09

And I thought in my little confused

27:11

mine my little dream I had been

27:13

holding on to. Was. That you

27:15

go to college you get really good grades

27:17

and then I just thought this that there

27:19

would be like a job fair like the

27:21

last month of school and people would come

27:23

look at your report cards and be like

27:26

all right, come work for Sony. Mm

27:29

when this year was ending of weight

27:31

you just give us a degree in

27:33

in we go back home once. In

27:36

the one to two went to college in my whole

27:38

family and and this is it. So.

27:42

I had to go back. I

27:44

had a freaking go back and live with them. It

27:47

was the absolute last thing I thought I'd be doing.

27:50

And I had to put my tail between my

27:52

legs, my massive debt and my no job and

27:54

go back to my old room. Lives the Franken

27:56

Cindy. He.

28:00

Tried to save up enough money to strike

28:02

out on my own. I started acting in

28:04

Tv commercials. Weirdly enough, About myself

28:06

a camera and microphone and an editing

28:08

system and I was trying to like

28:10

breakthrough in the making music videos or

28:12

something like that. And. The

28:14

whole time my kept saying like i'm sober Now I'm

28:17

sober Now you know I had disappeared any after you

28:19

last and I and I got sober and I'm like

28:21

yeah, right? Sure, I'm not fall into that again. A

28:25

few years into it as I was making these

28:27

little sorts for the internet, music videos and things

28:29

like that, trying to figure out how to break

28:31

into the film industry. I. Made a

28:33

short about fact. That. Was

28:35

purely mean spirited. I still sister had it

28:38

out for him. I still kind of blamed

28:40

him for everything. And I made

28:42

is very mean little short where I showed

28:44

his music video rack when he was young

28:46

and and attractive. and I showed him now

28:49

as like this overweight alcoholic plunking away the

28:51

piano like sighing wistfully That is Laces miserable.

28:54

And. It just so happened that

28:56

I was doing a commercial shoot when the

28:58

director asked me what's your deal at Silly

29:00

which did this weekend and I was like

29:02

oh well, I made a really mean video

29:04

My stepdad. News I don't see it. Might

29:07

send it to him. And then he

29:09

said you know I'm getting into an executive producing

29:11

movies and I think this would make a great

29:13

documentary and I used to miss a new documentary

29:15

and I was like ah god and I don't

29:17

know like that seems so self indulgent I have

29:19

to spend all his time with them and I'm

29:21

trying to get outta here You are don't want

29:24

to live with them. But. Then I thought,

29:26

well, I mean, if there's a real successful person

29:28

who wants me to get behind this project, know

29:30

maybe I'll try it. So.

29:34

After this producer sort of made the pitch

29:36

that he would support me to make a

29:38

feature length documentary about them, I kind of

29:40

went into it extremely hesitantly because I didn't

29:42

necessarily want to spend all that much time

29:44

with them and certainly talk about all these

29:46

things, but you know I. I realize that

29:49

this was kind of the opportunity that I've

29:51

been looking for. the on This was a

29:53

person with clout who could back me up

29:55

and could get this thing scene and if

29:57

I did a good job and made a

29:59

good. On and this was. this could be the

30:01

big break. And. So

30:03

I I approach them about it and I said

30:05

you know I want to sell more And of

30:07

course my mom is like also more like absolutely,

30:10

let's spend time together You know I'd you We've

30:12

been running away from your entire life and Frank

30:14

was like oh I don't know and she was

30:16

that You know this to him and he was

30:18

like oh okay yes dear I guess. Oh and

30:20

so I started selling them. And I

30:22

just made a plan that I would not just

30:24

sort of follow them around and film their fights,

30:26

but try to go to all these various places

30:28

and talk about all the things that happen there

30:30

cause I didn't really know what I was doing.

30:33

I. Mean they were Polaris and are says he

30:35

just sat them in a room and said

30:37

don't tell me about the affair like they

30:39

would just start talking. Mike is if they

30:42

weren't on camera. Those crazy like I couldn't

30:44

have found people seem to not transform when

30:46

knowing they're being filmed. They. Would just lead

30:48

at all and out there you know and talk and

30:50

all the bad times in the crazy stories and know

30:52

this is where I got arrested and all. Yeah we

30:55

lived in this motel. Frank.

30:57

Have this really love hate relationship with it where you

30:59

get drunk and be like I want to be on

31:01

camera and any get sober and me like what is

31:04

this for? Are you doing this? As

31:07

I was filming and I was like whoa what's

31:09

the hooks You know we tend to be like

31:11

look at my crazy parents So I decided I

31:13

was going to have Frank do like I'm performance

31:15

yeah was going to have like and vitamins people

31:18

have and haven't do a live show as he

31:20

hadn't done alive shown in so long and. In.

31:22

With Hannah ropes him into it Frankish the live

31:24

show an all time again it's so Melissa's got

31:27

some. The guy's gonna embarrass himself, reason to get

31:29

too drunk and he's not going to show up

31:31

and says going to prove what a dick he

31:33

is. And man he showed

31:35

up and he played and i couldn't believe

31:37

it You know he risk he came through

31:39

like and all that pressure from me and

31:41

my mom till i do this thing for

31:44

me that was so arbitrary but he didn't.

31:48

So. I think they evolved a little and

31:50

I evolved little. It was

31:52

like this year of weird syrupy where I talked

31:54

about some stuff. I worked through some stuff but

31:57

also rise that Frank wasn't the only one. Boy

31:59

you know I'd still somehow been hanging onto this

32:01

idea and anyone listening this would be like what

32:03

are you talking about your mom's mass but I'd

32:05

somehow she was Stonehenge or my eyes and while

32:08

we were shooting all this other stuff would come

32:10

out and said he wasn't talking about breaking up

32:12

with him anymore that we were like this little

32:14

funny family unit who had exposed to our. Lives

32:17

to the world's and I was like oh

32:19

yeah, they're kind of equally messed up and

32:22

really complimentary ways. That's kind of crazy. I

32:26

realized that she had so much crippling,

32:28

unbelievable regret about my childhood. and now

32:30

that she was over, she was finally

32:32

kind of dealing with it. And

32:37

touched me so much to see how it

32:39

like she wasn't writing and author was never

32:41

a point where she said like i'll come

32:43

on you are fine you know blaming people

32:45

for it She took so much of that

32:47

responsibility on herself and one in so desperately

32:49

to do something anything to make up for

32:51

it. I realized that it

32:54

consumed her every weekend. thought like every move

32:56

she was making, her life was to somehow

32:58

make up for everything that had happened to

33:00

me. Like. She wants

33:02

now to make up for everything

33:04

so badly. That. Almost feel like a

33:06

want her to do something to help me knockers. I want

33:08

her to help me because I want her to see old

33:10

redeemed. You know I'm honored to so redeemed in our own

33:13

minds. At.

33:16

Some point I shot enough for I thought I

33:18

had a a story. At least as

33:20

much of a story is you can tell about

33:22

two people that you think won't ever change itself

33:24

to was always my theory with them and said

33:26

they would do the same stuff forever. And.

33:29

In the course of filming I realized that my

33:31

mom wasn't drinking anymore and Frank got a job

33:33

and he how long did at job the entire

33:35

time and he seemed like he loved it. He.

33:38

Was doing his part and I had to

33:40

respect him for it. You know he. I

33:42

couldn't deny that he was finally growing up

33:44

and I think the biggest transformation between him

33:46

and I was when I finally did talk

33:48

about that night. He Trusts Studio. Hearing.

33:51

It from his perspective and knowing

33:53

like the depths of his pain

33:55

and seeing the regret. Sick.

33:57

Of time we never talked about it. in on I would.

34:00

the talked about it had i not thought like

34:02

well as might make a good scenes and and

34:04

further documentary. The

34:07

thing about him, it's so crazy as I

34:09

wrote him off, you know, as as just

34:11

my mom's idiot boyfriend, my little brother. you

34:13

know the fuck up. But. He

34:15

was so proud of being a part of

34:17

my family. I just came out so much

34:19

and every interview you know I'd be like

34:21

what's your greatest accomplishment and easy to say

34:23

like well och so or the song I

34:25

wrote or something. be like marry your mother,

34:28

like being a party or family having such

34:30

a wonderful kid. You know, being a dad

34:32

to you as best they could. It's you

34:34

know why. It's. Seriously.

34:37

But his dedication to her is just crazy

34:40

like he would do anything she asked him

34:42

to do you like he's like the ultimate

34:44

person. like as my parents are getting older

34:46

like I think there's no one on earth

34:48

that could help my mom and deal with

34:50

all of her her insanity like this guy

34:52

and I had to stop and be like

34:54

the you know frank you're doing okay like

34:56

your help and her. And. I don't

34:58

think either of you could do it without each other. So

35:00

you have my blessing. It's.

35:03

Hard to say how much they changed

35:06

versus how much I did. You

35:09

know, my perception of them definitely chains. I

35:11

let go of a lot of the resentment

35:13

I had for him, which was probably my

35:15

biggest stumbling block in life. you know, I

35:17

I really did think that I could have

35:19

had this perfect life had he not come

35:21

into the picture. and I I like goes

35:23

that. I. Let go of the

35:25

idea that she should leave him and should be

35:27

better off as someone else. I I definitely like

35:29

guy that. And. In the

35:31

course amazing the movie I learned so much about

35:34

how they function in out difficult they both are

35:36

in and so many ways. But. At

35:38

the end of the day like they

35:40

do really love each other like and

35:42

grizzly deal. I understand it, I don't

35:45

get it but they they really need

35:47

each other and the really there for

35:49

each other and when they're being functional

35:51

it's It's actually really nice. A

35:55

lotta times when you hear stories about

35:57

the whole childhood trauma or whatever. I'm

36:00

not a journey that the person goes to sort

36:02

of on their own. They go to therapy and

36:05

they worked things out with a therapist and and

36:07

it seems like it really does help. I

36:09

never really did that. It's

36:12

kind of like we have our own

36:14

weird sort of internal crazy crazy town

36:16

therapy make this film. But.

36:19

I eight think would cost us all

36:21

be in such a good places. For

36:23

me it was forgiveness. I.

36:26

Just saw things less black and white

36:28

and I learned more of what was

36:31

going on during my childhood and. I.

36:33

Thought from their perspective and I realize that

36:35

you know their hearts were in the right

36:37

place and and I chose to forgive both

36:40

of them. And in

36:42

doing that, I let myself

36:44

care. And. That

36:46

was always my problem is that I was son

36:48

of a mercenary. I always had one foot out

36:50

the door it cause I was like can trust

36:52

people have you can't trust them. There.

36:54

I was gonna do the same dumb stuff. You

36:56

gotta look out for yourself and you know you

36:58

don't. Don't put it down any routes cause you'll

37:01

get the trade. And I think I

37:03

didn't want to allow myself to love them because

37:05

and I have to care about them. And

37:07

then what if they did something and I had to

37:09

get involved and and I wanted to keep it safe.

37:12

But. In for giving them I said okay

37:14

I'm gonna give you guys the second chance sins

37:16

and I haven't regretted it since. So.

37:21

I make the documentary. It's pretty

37:23

rough around the edges. It's I don't have any money.

37:25

It's sorta like a home movie. I don't

37:27

know if it's any good. I think it might just

37:29

be terribly self indulgent. So. I decided

37:31

to spend a little bit of what money I

37:34

had last to put on a screening in L

37:36

A. I rented out a little theatre and I'd

37:38

say invites Everyone I knew and was like invite

37:40

anyone you know. And people were losing

37:42

their minds. They were cracking up like at all

37:44

the parts. I wanted them to think we're funny

37:47

and gasping at all the parts that I thought

37:49

were shocking and and it was such an incredible

37:51

experience that I was like okay well maybe I

37:53

will do something with S and I submitted all

37:55

these festivals and a went around the country and

37:57

I flew them out to bunch places and I.

38:00

We did this documentary festival in in Washington

38:02

D C and they came out the got

38:04

a standing ovation and I was just so

38:06

proud of them for like doing this for

38:09

me like this is a crazy thing to

38:11

do sit still allow me to expose their

38:13

of tragic flaws and and the amount of

38:15

hate that they could that be putting themselves

38:17

into the cross hairs for. And. Yet

38:19

they did it. needed it for me. They saw it

38:22

as a way of doing something for me, which you

38:24

know they hadn't really done most my life. And

38:26

that was the real feeling of camaraderie like

38:28

doing is to an A's And and you

38:30

know that we went to a thing where

38:32

Ira Glass interviewed them on stage. And.

38:36

Then you know the crazy thing is she did

38:38

end up getting a job working for movie producer.

38:41

And. See basically worked at that

38:43

job long enough to build up enough

38:45

of the reputation of Is as trustworthy

38:47

that See introduced them to me. And

38:50

because of her I did direct my

38:52

first feature that was mostly made out

38:54

of recycled stock footage. So super low

38:56

budget, but it's scripted and I get

38:58

to direct it. Is. Weirdly

39:01

goes to Sundance and I think oh my

39:03

god like Cindy as directly led me to

39:05

going to Sundance. And.

39:08

Then kind of began this sort of

39:10

the start of my off and on

39:12

again some career. I.

39:14

Also was able to get a few acting parts

39:16

so I was in an episode of How I

39:18

Met Your Mother, and I was in this movie

39:20

called Extraordinary Measures Were. I played Harrison Ford's lab

39:23

assistant. And. I'm just a

39:25

bit player. I think I like three lines but I'm around

39:27

a lot because I'm in the background of all the seems

39:29

like work in in the lab. You

39:32

know somebody shows up a second. A player was

39:34

an actor who's there for the day to do

39:36

like a kind of small role. And. He

39:38

recognizes my name is like are he the guy that

39:40

did that documentary. And I'm like

39:43

yeah, I saw it was incredible.

39:45

And. It was kind of the funniest way of

39:48

promoting something is not promoting it yourself because all

39:50

the said know everyone was asking me like what's

39:52

up with this documentary An Empress was like well

39:54

I happen to have a few Dvds and my

39:56

suitcase. Simple. I do

39:58

wonder Brendan Fraser and he. Did. Anyone.

40:01

Like all and I was crazy. And

40:03

then one day Harrison Ford walks right up to

40:05

me. He'll say anything that is holding the the

40:07

Dvd in his hand. I

40:10

just can't look at him and he's staring at me.

40:12

and I'm looking at the Dvd in Harrison Ford's hand

40:14

with my picture, my parents on it. I.

40:16

Can ago like oh, that's my documentary,

40:18

where'd you get that? And

40:20

he goes. Brendan gave it to me. It's not

40:23

like the selling like hotcakes or anything. He

40:27

walks away and I'm like I'm going to follow

40:29

up on our i don't wanna ask him about

40:31

it was a see what happens that says call

40:33

It even has it like that. Such a surreal

40:35

moment. Then. We go

40:37

to like the premier in L A and

40:39

at the wrap party comes up to me

40:41

and I'm like oh so did you watch

40:43

it. Is like your parents

40:45

mans ball. Still have all your parents

40:47

balls to the author's. Sykes

40:51

of is incredible. Balls

40:53

to the wall. Thank you Mister Ford! Today's.

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law. Somewhere.

42:38

Along the way, priest or got involved wanted

42:40

to turn the documentary into a scripted film.

42:43

And. So there would be actors

42:45

playing my family. And. I thought

42:47

at the time while this is a interesting opportunity

42:49

to get more people aware of the dark and

42:51

I am very proud of it and the Node

42:54

so sure likes. I'll try to write an adaptation

42:56

and or something. And. Right away

42:58

really, Russo came on board to play my

43:00

mom and dad. There was a guy telling

43:02

me as bizarre. We're richly

43:04

had a director who is interested in and

43:06

they wanted Tom Cruise to gain all this

43:09

wait to play Frank and that was the

43:11

guys vision. And. Then when Tom

43:13

Cruise wouldn't entertain the idea he dropped out

43:15

on the We had another director that had

43:17

some other crazy idea and that directs dropped

43:20

out. And then we got a director

43:22

that I'll just come Danny. And

43:24

Danny was big deal. Very successful

43:26

person. Danny. We

43:29

wrote the script in made it more of a broad

43:31

comedy. And the actor he got

43:33

to play the lead. I'll call him.

43:35

Seems. James is

43:38

also a huge huge huge actor program

43:40

most famous actress you possibly dad and

43:42

my mind was kind of exploding so

43:44

I went to this table read: And

43:46

it was it. Danny's house in there was

43:49

this big buffet table in the screening room

43:51

and it was all these people there and

43:53

casting agents and assistance and just actor shows

43:55

up and he's reading is my stepdad or

43:57

nice reading is my mom and it's just

43:59

totally. The real and again If is one of

44:01

those moments of my life. I'm like oh my God.

44:03

the golden doors opening. It's finally happening for me. I'm

44:06

finally going to have some incredible life because of this.

44:08

And. As we're leaving, the actor gives me

44:10

a scrap of paper when tires likes me.

44:14

So. I call him up. Anything I really want

44:16

to meet you in secret it can. you meet me

44:18

at a cafe in Law Canyon and you it's just

44:20

don't tire the producers about it. I just wanted to

44:22

be between you and I and I said okay and

44:24

that was really conflicting. As it's like and want. I

44:26

feel like I betrayed anybody but you know this is

44:29

this big super famous actor. he wants to meet me

44:31

so. I. Go to meet him and he

44:33

calls and he's like oh yeah, probably this, but

44:35

I just ran a stop sign. It turns out

44:37

my registration is invalid. They're towing my car, can

44:39

com to the top Laurel Canyon and pick me

44:41

up. So I got there to pick

44:43

him up and others paparazzi everywhere taking pictures of

44:45

him getting into my like nineteen eighty Nine volvo

44:48

and I started getting calls now from the producers

44:50

have now seen me picking him up on the

44:52

front page to Tmz and know what the hell

44:54

are you doing Meeting the sky. I'm

44:57

like, well I'll tell you later. I don't know

44:59

what he wants to talk about, but I told

45:01

me not to tell anyone. So we sit down

45:03

with his meeting and he goes. You know, I

45:05

really loved your original script in the dumb big

45:07

fan of the documentary but I just silly this

45:09

new version. It's too broad, a yard takes out

45:11

a lot other parts. From me know what the

45:13

character was in one of the darkness? I'm like

45:15

okay will you should tell the director that and

45:17

he said well you know as an Italian man

45:20

you don't own another Italian man's house and tell

45:22

him his business. I. Knew on he

45:24

to do that and is a glad to see common

45:26

from you. You know he might listen as like okay.

45:30

So. We go to the meeting now with those

45:32

just the three of us and again it's totally

45:34

surreal. Were sitting there for like an hour and

45:36

they're just talking about all white me other crazy

45:39

hollywood anecdotes and finally to the director turn sneezed

45:41

like what would you will you think our would

45:43

wear what you want to call his meaning and

45:45

I'm like well you know I just think maybe

45:48

there's some of us the darker stuff, some of

45:50

the complexity, the got caught out hill maybe we

45:52

could pull that allowed back in a turns into

45:54

losing James and James's like on know. I

45:57

was sitting sitting me. So

46:00

hands up dropping out of the project

46:02

without telling anyone why and at this

46:04

point really is like Gj has to

46:06

directors movie and as the only reason

46:08

why ended up directing it. So.

46:10

I had ceased. Direct

46:13

the guy playing Gj his name is

46:15

Gj and Frank and Cindy. It's Franken

46:17

City in my house, reliving all the

46:19

stuff that happened in the documentary, but

46:21

with actors that was completely surreal. I,

46:23

I, I, I don't I don't know

46:25

how to describe it. So.

46:29

In the documentary, there's a scene or I

46:31

plot a bunch of childhood photos. So my

46:33

grandmother had made really detailed photo albums of

46:35

me while I was living with her little

46:38

scrap book for arms of annotations. You know

46:40

where we were mature. It wasn't things like

46:42

that. And. I brought those albums out

46:44

to show my mom to go through. Like where

46:46

were we know, where it, where it was going

46:49

on here, what was going on there like? and

46:51

she's going through them. And she kind

46:53

of just breaks down and she's to sobbing and

46:55

she sang all she wishes she could do is

46:57

be a mom seats you woke up and I

46:59

was thrown into never got to be a mom

47:01

and and stanko back but she would go back

47:04

and change everything of suckered in see so just

47:06

devastated. It. Was so so

47:08

hard to put that scene together and you know and

47:10

I knew that we're in a went out to recreate

47:12

it. So. I just kind

47:14

of had a jacket over my head and

47:16

I was sad looking at the monitors and

47:18

own to see me and I was crying

47:20

while she was doing that scene. but. Weirdly,

47:23

That's not the one that broke me. The.

47:26

One that broke me is is a scene that

47:28

isn't even in the that the movie. And.

47:30

I don't know why it just kind of

47:32

encapsulates to me everything that. My

47:34

family was and everything we went through.

47:37

But. My mom would try to make me

47:39

food and as she wasn't much of a

47:41

homemaker obviously and so she would always be

47:43

like on a do some young mac and

47:45

cheese or something like that. And as

47:47

a scene where Rene Russo slides of a

47:49

plate of food under the door and it's

47:51

just like sliced avocado is and sliced tomatoes

47:53

with some pepper on it and for some

47:55

reason yeah was like you build up all

47:58

these walls and ceiling. emotional particular with. The

48:00

is how that I did. And I just

48:02

started falling because it was something about that

48:04

that intense or that intensive being a mom

48:06

that intensive providing food for your kid. But

48:09

are you gotta sliced tomatoes with some pepper

48:11

on and you're like a major dinner and

48:13

like, ah, That. Seat is because I

48:15

don't have anyone else it ever see the

48:17

movie would think the opposite. heart wrenching seen

48:19

or if it's just me I don't know

48:21

but that desire to be there and and

48:23

to give so little but wanting to it

48:25

it breaks my heart. That

48:29

was the thing about her. as I I always

48:31

thought loved. I. Always always thought

48:33

love been another. I don't think

48:35

there was ever a point where I question that. And.

48:38

That's what sort of got me by is

48:40

that despite the dysfunction somehow I was able

48:42

to separate it from for how she felt

48:45

that are me I always thought your planes

48:47

by these these things, these addictions, these these

48:49

neuroses you know your plagued by the alcoholism

48:51

and than the co dependency with Frank and

48:53

and all of these things but at the

48:56

end of the day I never thought that

48:58

affected her love for me and I always

49:00

knew that she would do everything she could

49:02

to be there for me. But.

49:04

Sometimes it was just pitiful. To.

49:07

This day I hope seats hope she let

49:10

herself off the hook. I really do. The

49:15

process of for giving them obviously.

49:17

Man, I had to let them back

49:19

into my heart somewhere and I had

49:21

to care about them. And that's tough

49:24

because they're still not perfect and

49:26

they still do so you know plenty

49:28

of annoying crazy things he stole an

49:30

alcoholic, she still constantly making prognostications of

49:33

try and important things that she never

49:35

seems to actually do. And.

49:38

I worry about sometimes after I talk to my

49:40

mom this you know if I'm giving a hard

49:42

time and she seems depressed about what I'm saying.

49:44

Her. I'm afraid all my guys as

49:47

can be the thing that starts her drinking again

49:49

so have to carry that weight around. But.

49:52

At the ultimately it's it's worth it

49:54

and I think it's changed me to.

49:57

You. Know, I always sort of kept people.

50:00

Lanka was kept my relationships at arm's length.

50:02

I wasn't very good and most my relationships

50:04

I I I was kind of.marriage was a

50:06

bunch of crap, you know, Families.

50:09

Are stupid and everyone's

50:11

dysfunctional. Everyone's a mess.

50:13

So. I definitely. Always.

50:16

Tempts. You. Know some

50:18

amount of a distance and my

50:20

relationships. I. Didn't really want to commit and

50:22

even if I seem like I was smitten, I wasn't really

50:24

committed in my heart. And. Then I

50:27

met Camille and she was a

50:29

whirlwind and I loved it! and

50:31

I was so constantly entertained. I.

50:34

Found a person that challenge me and was

50:36

willing to call me out on things and

50:38

to get me to compromise and just the

50:40

absolute force of her will really transform into

50:43

a different type of relationship and I allowed

50:45

myself to trust that it was right. And

50:47

you know by the time I was ready

50:49

to actually get married and settle down I

50:52

was like wow. I I guess I've really

50:54

turned a corner on this. I've let myself

50:56

soreness, you know, find that vulnerability and that

50:58

are. put it on the line and trust

51:01

my heart. And you know, not cheap that

51:03

back. Door open. And. I've

51:05

then very happily married now for. Twelve.

51:08

Years. My.

51:10

Wife is kind of similar to my mom

51:13

and a lot of ways just because she's

51:15

also like a pretty big character. They they

51:17

get along really well. And I

51:20

think that's that's my family like I

51:22

see them every weekend or every other

51:24

weekend. they go over there for lunch

51:26

and my mom. She'll give me presents

51:28

like like toys and stuff and will

51:30

play like games and dictionary and charades

51:33

and will just. Franco. Make us

51:35

play musical instruments like we're in a

51:37

band and we just have these hilariously

51:39

weird weekends were to be dressed up

51:41

as Santa on St. Patrick's Day like

51:43

they just keep. and it's funny. all

51:46

that, and it's just. and it feels

51:48

great. You.

51:51

Know my mom tells the story. It's

51:54

one of her sad stories that she

51:56

tells about my childhood. He. Says

51:58

it one of those days where I was the

52:00

editing or on the weekends that you know she

52:02

had to go do something and left me alone.

52:05

And. When she came back I was just sitting

52:07

in the closet and see says what's wrong and

52:09

I said to her. What? Am

52:11

I worth mommy? What? Am I worse?

52:15

I. Don't remember this but it makes sense

52:17

to me. like feeling that nobody wanted me

52:19

around and I was getting bounced from place

52:21

to place and neglected in so many ways.

52:23

I I feel like that what am I

52:25

worth question has has been at the heart

52:28

of meat probably forever. He

52:31

thinks it's I always felt this need to

52:33

prove it to myself that I was worth

52:35

something and that people thought I was worth

52:38

something. And you know, like even trying to

52:40

go be a filmmaker you write? please tell

52:42

me like me you know, tell me it's

52:44

like I'm have to be bigger than life.

52:46

You know I have to do something so

52:49

incredibly great psych out to win an oscar.

52:51

Yeah I I felt this need to to

52:53

get that validation and it's probably still sick

52:55

talk and away and my art some degree

52:57

animal five or lose and need to seal

53:00

it the you know. Worth something.

53:05

If I could truly be a

53:07

sealed person, a person at peace,

53:09

a person who is learn from

53:11

the journey. I would probably

53:14

think that I was enough. And.

53:16

I was. Of great value

53:18

to somebody out there. That. I

53:20

could be at peace every night when I

53:22

go to sleep and not think. what have

53:25

I made of my life. What have I

53:27

done? Do I matter to anyone? Is anything

53:29

of any significance? Of.

53:31

Want to be okay having like a

53:33

normal life that isn't incredibly dramatic that

53:35

isn't full of crazy stories. And

53:38

outside your I had so many stories. some

53:40

it's craziness for so long that I need

53:42

to come to terms of being at peace

53:44

With peace. I need to be like

53:46

I have a good life, I have a

53:48

loving wife and a house and the job

53:50

and and and I don't mean to be

53:52

entertained by showing up on Monday morning being

53:54

like all you'll never guess is horrible thing

53:56

that out and. Which. Was how my

53:58

life was most of the times. Making. Fun

54:00

stories and of horrible events. But.

54:03

I can I learn to live a

54:05

normal ice in a hippo? Can I?

54:07

It's not be constantly entertained by the

54:09

gruesome train wreck happening around me. Ah,

54:11

that's what I struggle with. You.

54:15

Grow up with so much chaos and you have

54:17

some. It's chaos to such a long time in

54:19

your life that it becomes extremely familiar. And then

54:21

when things aren't chaotic, when things are actually moving

54:23

along, it it sort of feels wrong or scary,

54:25

or it worked at the test, is boring, and

54:27

at worst it is waiting for the next terrible

54:29

thing to happen. I. Doesn't

54:31

have a hard time just being okay with

54:34

the normal everyday life that I'm living in.

54:36

There's a part of me that Sykes Admiral:

54:38

Where's that? Where's the drama? Where's the cops?

54:40

Was the crossbow? Source

54:43

the madness, but I get

54:45

better at it every day.

54:48

I think the most important thing for me

54:50

is to have people around me who I

54:52

know love me into I Love and that's

54:55

all you need. It's

54:58

nice to just have a A can A

55:00

kind of a consistent life I'm getting used

55:02

to. It encourages to what it's like. deleted

55:04

like a normal life with no crazy eyes

55:06

and know crazy lows. So far

55:09

some good. Today's

55:26

episode featured Dj actor and camp.

55:29

If you like to out to him,

55:31

you can email at Gj actually happening

55:34

at email.com You can find his documentary

55:36

Frank in Cindy from Two Thousand and

55:38

Seven, as well as as feature film

55:40

also titled Frank and Cindy from Two

55:43

Thousand and Sixteen, both on Netflix. You

55:45

can also find the music video and

55:47

some were Really Girl by Accel featuring

55:50

Frank as the basest Released and Nineteen

55:52

Eighty Three on You Tube. From

56:00

Wonder if you listening to this is

56:02

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56:04

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56:23

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56:25

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56:27

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56:29

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56:32

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