0:00

I have some new tour dates to announce.

0:03

I will be in Cork, Ireland on June

0:06

9th at Live

0:08

at the Marquis. Tickets for

0:10

this show go on sale Tuesday May 21st at

0:12

2 p.m. local

0:15

time. We also have

0:18

tickets remaining in New York, New York

0:20

on May 31st, Belfast,

0:23

UK on June 6th,

0:25

London June

0:27

16th, Idaho Falls,

0:31

Salt Lake City and Las

0:33

Vegas, Nevada. We will be

0:35

down there on July 5th and 6th

0:38

for the 4th of July weekend. Get

0:42

all your tickets

0:44

at theovon.com/T-O-U-R and

0:46

thank you so much for your support. Today's

0:50

guest is a comedian. He's

0:52

a podcaster. He's

0:55

the co-host of Matt

0:57

and Shane's Secret podcast.

0:59

He has a special that just premiered

1:01

last year called The Speed of Light.

1:04

He's touring now everywhere. I'm grateful

1:07

to get to spend time with

1:09

him. Today's guest is Matt McCusker.

1:18

Well, what have

1:21

you been watching?

1:23

Have you been

1:26

watching NBA finals

1:29

or War

1:48

in Gaza? More

1:50

War in Gaza, honestly. Yeah, I haven't caught

1:52

a lot of the finals. Yeah. I'm being,

1:54

you know, bombarded with the footage of the

1:56

war. Opinions about it. Everyone, you know, people

1:58

have a different take. Yeah,

2:01

people have I guess a lot of different takes over there. I

2:03

don't even know what ending it is in. I think

2:06

it's in overtime. I think they've been going for a while. Yeah,

2:09

it seems like it's kind of

2:11

a... Yeah, you feel

2:13

like a referee would step

2:16

in. Yeah, you think? And

2:19

mitigate, because it feels like it's

2:21

like a 10-run rule genocide over

2:23

there. Yeah, that's

2:25

like the popular opinion that they're being totally

2:27

genocided. They throw out the kids and you're like,

2:29

damn, that's terrible. But then you get people

2:31

going, hey, why can't Israel defend itself?

2:34

And you go, all right, that's a fair point

2:36

too. Oh, yeah, no, that's definitely a fair point.

2:38

Yeah, I have no idea, man. I think it's

2:41

awful. And it's like I hear a lot of people

2:43

talk about it with certainty. And I'm like, yeah,

2:45

sure. Anytime I watch a video about ProPalSign, I'm

2:47

like, okay, I see that. And then we had

2:50

RFK on our podcast yesterday, and he was like,

2:52

actually, Israel rules. And

2:54

we're like, okay, those are good points too. But

2:57

it's very bad, from what I understand. The footage I see is

2:59

really bad, and I just – I hope they can figure it out.

3:01

But it looks like they're going to have to – a lot

3:03

more people are going to have to die, and then they're going to maybe

3:06

figure it out. Because the U.S. could

3:08

shut it down, couldn't they? It seems

3:10

like we could. Yeah. It seems like

3:12

we could jump in and shut it

3:14

down, you know? But we fund Israel.

3:16

I don't sound like that Netanyahu guy.

3:19

Yeah, he's a shady character. That

3:21

guy seems like a just – yeah,

3:24

like a control pervert or something. Yeah, he seems like a

3:26

– like, for real, a bad guy. He seems like a

3:28

real deal bad guy. Even if you just look at him

3:30

like, oh, that's the bad guy. If

3:33

you asked a four-year-old, right, like, who's the bad

3:35

guy here, they would

3:37

immediately pick out that dude. Also, whenever someone's

3:39

been the president for like 27 years, that's

3:41

usually the case where it's like, all right,

3:43

the U.S. should go to war with both

3:45

of them. We should start bombing Israel and

3:47

Palestine until they both stop. Maybe.

3:51

I don't know. I'm spitballing. I think

3:53

I've always thought we should give Mississippi

3:56

to Palestine. That's not bad. One of

3:58

them's going to get Mississippi. to loser

4:00

gets Mississippi or you know I'm saying

4:03

give Palestine a place here you know

4:05

that'd be cool I'd be done with that

4:07

because then at least the people would have a place to

4:09

be you know where they could true like

4:11

not be in competition I guess

4:13

with their neighbors and live at peace you know

4:15

but yeah I don't know it I don't know

4:18

I don't know a ton

4:20

about it I just I just feel like a

4:22

certain way you know yeah yeah I'll watch Norman

4:24

Finkelstein and I'm like holy shit this guy and

4:26

I'm like he's Jewish so he's got the inside

4:28

track and then I watch people talk about him

4:30

like he's he's a piece of shit it's like it's a

4:33

it's a bad thing the student protests are crazy too

4:36

then you have peace demonstrations that fight each

4:38

other over the issue and it's like

4:40

it's kind of larping like

4:42

when the college kids start like it's a

4:44

renaissance fair kind of I mean I hate

4:46

you know I don't mean and I don't

4:49

mean like belittle like that but then it's

4:51

like and then the craziest part was at

4:54

Ole Miss they started yelling USA it's like

4:56

really yeah which side was the only USA

4:58

oh the frat boys the frat boys yeah

5:00

came in and they were like don't bring

5:02

the any of this shit around here they're

5:05

kind of playing risk in real life they

5:07

were America and they came in like yeah

5:09

dude fuck don't touch the flag America rules

5:11

yeah yeah I think when people start taking

5:13

down the flag I guess that makes total sense too

5:15

you know yeah you know you can you can fight

5:18

about anything really you know yeah that's one thing to

5:20

go to like a news story and just be like

5:22

alright on this team I'm gonna fight these guys I

5:24

think sometimes you do you think oh maybe we're past

5:26

war but maybe that's just a

5:28

side effect of living in America and not realizing

5:31

that a lot of people still live in like

5:33

a lot of conflict you know yeah

5:35

no it does it seems more and more ridiculous it seems

5:37

like like back in the day so it was normal you

5:39

know at least back then like slavery was a worldwide institution

5:41

that everyone was like yeah this is just how it is

5:43

and I wonder if war is

5:45

gonna become that in like 50 years

5:48

where it's like dude you guys are going to war it's

5:50

like shit we didn't know because it is

5:52

it's insane but it's like if someone attacks you

5:55

you have to attack them back to stop them from

5:57

attacking you so it's one of those things

5:59

it's hard yeah hardest It'd be nice, but it

6:01

does seem more and more ridiculous, especially when you have

6:03

like the politicians who are like We

6:05

gotta love everyone. We need to like include Marginalized

6:07

and they're like go bomb the fuck out of

6:10

those guys. You're like, all right, that's for

6:12

sure That's a weird change of pace.

6:14

But yeah, yeah, that's it. Yeah,

6:16

you start to realize like oh this it's all

6:19

a bunch of bullshit Kind of

6:21

like it's all like um Yeah,

6:24

I don't even know what I'm trying it's like No,

6:27

it's it's absurd. It was becoming absurd now cuz

6:29

it's just kind of like well, you can see

6:32

why it's happening I feel like it used to

6:34

be this mirage like we're fighting for the country

6:36

and stuff And now it's like well now people

6:38

are like, what do you mean? You don't even

6:40

care about our country like our government's just letting

6:43

millions of people in Eric

6:45

Adams just said that they should let

6:48

illegal immigrants. This is a fucking He

6:53

said they should let illegal immigrants Be

6:57

lifeguards at pools, which is

7:00

a job that is apparently in high demand

7:02

Because we don't have enough

7:05

people doing the job

7:09

That's I mean dude I had a community pool in

7:11

Philly that we would get shut down because there were

7:13

no lifeguards and he used to drive me crazy Oh,

7:15

so it's a real thing. There are there is a

7:17

weirdly there's a lack of lifeguards in like at least

7:19

in Philadelphia There were it was hard. They're hard to

7:21

come across. I mean, it's pretty funny, but

7:24

he said because they're excellent swimmers Those

7:27

jobs that we are in high demand

7:31

We could expedite How

7:35

do we have a large body of

7:37

people that are in our city and

7:39

country that are excellent swimmers

7:41

and At the

7:43

same time we need lifeguards And

7:45

the only obstacle is that we will give them the right of right to become a

7:47

lifeguard That

7:52

uh, if you say illegal aliens are great swimmers,

7:54

that's kind of like a set up for a

7:57

pretty easy joke

7:59

about You know Mexican dudes well, next

8:01

is not Mexican. They didn't like there's

8:04

not even it's all desert I mean

8:06

I could see maybe Cubans I could

8:08

see Puerto

8:10

Ricans maybe Nova Scotians or somebody would

8:13

have to swim here, but That's

8:16

the joke. Isn't that the joke though Mexican dudes

8:18

say they swam here across some river But I

8:20

mean I would say I don't did that I

8:22

think so, but it could be wrong. What could

8:24

it be? I could be wrong. I could be

8:26

I could be oh the Rio Grande Yeah, I

8:29

think that's like the final like in the Oregon Trail

8:31

when you have to do that final River. Hmm Yeah,

8:34

I think that's the final thing they got to do

8:36

is well, that's not that's like knee-deep but oh

8:39

wow Yeah, maybe that is the final thing there's some

8:41

of them congratulating their friends Yeah,

8:44

they got it They got to put out like

8:46

an inner city Bay watch as like lifeguard propaganda

8:48

to get people stoked on life guarding again, dude

8:50

Yeah, why don't we have a Mexican Bay watch?

8:53

Big rusty

8:57

Life guard that's what I'm saying That

9:00

was when life guarding was cool now like nobody wants to

9:02

be a lifeguard because it's kind of like you know It's

9:04

not as cool as it was yeah, ham Anderson. They could

9:06

have yeah, just like a bunch of band-aids floating in the pool

9:08

It'd be fine to be tight Dude

9:13

I would go I go run across a border

9:15

every day I Started

9:18

drowning get some CPR True

9:20

did you they got it? They got to

9:22

fire something up because it does suck when you want to go to

9:24

a pool in your neighborhood and they're like Oh, we're closed and you're

9:26

like why like we don't have lifeguards You're like dude you fucking serious,

9:28

but how do you have a lifeguard? Usually they would let a 15

9:31

year old or 16 year old kid. Yeah, taller

9:33

than some of the other kids and He

9:36

took a CPR class. Yeah, right or

9:38

learned it online They

9:41

would let him be the lifeguard.

9:43

How was that? When did that stop? I

9:46

don't know. I think it still is kids. I think they just don't

9:48

want to work. I guess I don't know what it is Cuz it's

9:50

an easy. It's a cake job, dude You're just sitting there on the

9:52

high chair below your lifeguard. No, I've just I've

9:54

watched them Yeah, I've been watching them for a

9:56

long time, but it's like it seems easy. You

9:59

just chose in a The pool, it's easy, the ocean is

10:01

real. A pool, it's like, dude, just

10:03

keep it out, make sure nobody drowns. Oh

10:05

yeah, pool, that guy wasn't watching kids. A

10:07

lot of times it seemed like he was

10:09

just trying to smash like any chicks or

10:11

moms or whatever. Like there'd be four drowning

10:13

kids and he'd be over there fucking just

10:15

doing chest

10:18

compressions on a divorce. That's

10:21

the perks of the job. That's crazy, kids

10:23

don't wanna do that. It's probably like 15

10:26

bucks an hour hooking up with moms. Sunshine,

10:28

and it's the best your body is

10:30

probably the healthiest you're gonna be. You

10:33

still have excess,

10:36

you still have like cord

10:38

blood in your system or whatever. Yeah

10:40

man, you got the platelets and all that

10:42

stuff. Yeah and you can also do that thing where everyone

10:44

has, public pools, everyone has to get out

10:47

for some reason. They'll be like, everyone out

10:49

of the pool. Yeah, for no reason. When everyone gets

10:51

back in, so you can start letting a couple ladies,

10:53

like you guys stay, you guys out. Yeah, like a

10:55

water bouncer kinda. Yeah,

10:57

hot chicks in first, you know. And

11:00

at that age you were so primed, you could just

11:02

point at your dick and it would ejaculate, you know.

11:04

When you were like 15. Yeah,

11:06

you're doing like, they're like, at least the ones on the

11:09

beach, they do like insane conditioning too. So

11:11

yeah man, you could be, you're jacked, you're

11:13

ripped. I think kids just aren't jacked,

11:15

they're not as jacked anymore, so they're probably ashamed of their

11:17

bodies. They're pale and kind

11:19

of like, not as ripped as they

11:21

were before. You think so? Yeah, kids are not ripped

11:24

like they were. They all

11:26

wear fucking shirts now. Every little kid at the beach wears

11:28

a fucking sun protective shirt. It's like, let me see

11:30

your pecs. What?

11:33

What? What? What?

11:35

Try to see how they're built. I wanna make sure we're not too married. Yeah, I

11:37

mean, I think at the beach, there's

11:39

a picture of a kid I met years ago

11:41

and we kept in touch over a letter.

11:44

We've been pen-pounding a few years, yeah. What

11:46

was he wearing? Oh, he wasn't

11:48

wearing much. He was kind of a thicker kid, I

11:50

think is one of his parents

11:52

had passed away. Oh man. Find it,

11:54

bring it up. There we go. kid

12:00

was like nine one of those big

12:02

kids big nine here that's good though

12:04

that's that's just cocoon he's about to

12:06

totally morph who's the dude that's me buddy

12:09

what yeah bro when was this that's back

12:11

when you could wear

12:13

what you wanted before the government said everything

12:15

what do you look great man thanks dude

12:17

yes I'm saying like that kid should be

12:20

more ripped than you just by laws of

12:22

nature I mean again I'm not shaming him

12:24

obviously I was a fat young

12:26

kid too so oh that kid ripped

12:28

into some cookies dude that dude was

12:30

a fucking snack daddy he was

12:33

a little fucking snack serpent were you fat

12:35

when you were younger no I was fat

12:37

I remember there was like one fall or

12:39

something everybody in our town got fat or

12:41

something I think something bad happened and

12:44

then everybody got fat and then like in

12:46

the spring everybody like kind of thinned out

12:48

yeah seventh grade like peak fat seventh grade

12:50

for kids you get it like really fat

12:53

and puberty kind of like shoot you up

12:55

yeah did you did you go through a thicker time in

12:58

your life yeah I was pretty chubby I wanted to play

13:00

football and I stopped growing so I was like I'm just

13:02

gonna get huge so I did like the gallon of milk

13:04

a day thing and like eighth grade going into ninth I

13:06

just got fat as hell I was like

13:08

super fat I just got fat and I got caught from

13:10

the football you're a newborn

13:17

that's they used to say that you drink a gallon of

13:19

milk a day you just put on tons of mass now

13:22

you know the cozy shack rice puddings there are these

13:24

big tubs of rice pudding I would crush one of

13:26

those every day bring up a couple rice pudding dude

13:28

cozy shack that was my shit I used to crush

13:30

them in class mmm I got really big I just

13:32

wasn't tall enough I played the end and then I

13:35

stopped growing I'm 5 10 yeah

13:37

those things man god damn it man were they

13:39

good yeah they're so good you guys ever eat

13:41

cozy shake it's good man I had to crush

13:43

a tub it was

13:45

like nine servings and I would sit there in class and

13:47

put it down they called me fat Matt I had a

13:50

serious fat period really but I did own it I really

13:52

owned it my screen name my AOL screen name was fat

13:54

Matt oh and I got kicked off of

13:56

AOL because I had written something it was

13:59

like a rap about gun violence in a

14:01

chat room. I was just like

14:03

a Beastie Boy song, and then Columbine happened the next

14:05

day. So someone reported my day before

14:07

post as Godin Columbine. I didn't do that. So I

14:09

got kicked off AOL. I got reported.

14:12

My parents kicked me off AOL. And then I

14:14

came back a year. I got kicked off like a year. At least I

14:16

think my parents restricted me for that long. My new screen name,

14:19

Fat Matt Strikes Back. I came

14:21

back, yeah. Oh yeah,

14:23

like the Jedi or whatever. Return of the

14:25

Fat-Eye. Yeah. See,

14:28

I got kicked off of AOL, man. Sucked. That

14:30

was the shit. After school, just putting up your chats, and there's

14:32

the girls in your class, you'd be like, yo, what's up? Yeah.

14:36

Did you do that? Did you do the AOL chat? The instant

14:38

messenger? No, I don't know what I did. I used to just

14:40

went home and felt bad about myself for a couple of hours.

14:45

But yeah, I would have probably rather do it online

14:47

to other people, but then we started this podcast. I

14:49

don't know how we do it now. Well,

14:52

you could go back then, you would do an instant messenger.

14:54

When it was time for dinner, you'd put like an away

14:56

message. You'd be like, you'd come up with something cool, like,

14:58

yo, I'm not here right now. I'll be back. Yeah, at

15:00

the mall. Yeah, at the mall. Did you crush the mall too

15:02

when you were younger? I have to go to work. Dude, we

15:04

used to go camp outside of the mall because it was about

15:06

maybe, the mall was probably 17 miles away. It

15:09

was kind of near this Pizza Hut. Damn. We

15:12

would go camp out there. So we'd go

15:15

on Saturday, bring a tent, camp out, and

15:17

go back in Sunday morning and just do

15:20

everything that they had

15:22

in there. They had

15:24

all types of shops for a while. They had

15:28

a, what was that one

15:30

that had all the stuff for kids kind of like, or

15:33

weird shit? It would have

15:35

a lava lamp and then like a pride flag. Oh,

15:38

Spencer's. Yeah, Spencer's, yeah. Yeah. You

15:41

can get like a dildo. They just sold dildos and

15:43

lava lamps and attitude posters and shit, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

15:45

It was like, you can do it, you know, and

15:47

then it'd be a dildo. And you're like, that didn't

15:49

even... What was this about? They had like gag gifts.

15:52

You can get like the small pecker condom, which is

15:54

like a teeny tiny condom, and like handed to someone.

15:56

They'd be like, oh dude, what the fuck? Yeah. Why'd

15:59

you do this to me? It was a word.

16:01

Yeah, or you could get like a condom that had

16:03

like pepper on it And

16:09

you'd see somebody cutting one up into like a bowl of

16:11

chili or like nobody knew how

16:13

you use some Yes,

16:17

Benzers was like blacklight alien

16:19

posters like wildly sexual gifts

16:22

Yeah, and yeah, it was the it

16:24

did well man at that place that

16:26

store was around forever They had I

16:28

believe they had some racial gifts to

16:30

um, I would have one time I

16:33

saw a hat there I remember this

16:35

anyway. I saw I had it

16:37

said the n-word on the front right on

16:39

the back It said just joking on the

16:41

back And

16:45

I'm like First of all and

16:47

we're like trying them on or whatever and I'm like

16:49

the odds of first of all say if someone sees

16:51

the front They're gonna get pissed right? The

16:53

last thing you want to do to that person

16:56

is show them the back turn your back to

16:58

them dude They're gonna beat this mid punch like

17:00

oh shit. My bad. I know you're just fucking

17:02

around That's

17:06

crazy Yeah, they what happened

17:09

to Spencer's let's find that out because that is

17:11

I feel like they got bought by hot

17:13

topic Maybe I feel like

17:15

that also something just too gay dudes that fall

17:17

like hey Spencer and hot topic or fucking, you

17:19

know flailing it out over

17:21

there I used

17:23

to work in the mall. It's like a frill. It's like a It's

17:26

like a subculture if you're a mall employee You talked to

17:28

the other mall employees and you guys like trade discounts with

17:30

each other. Mm-hmm I worked at a candy stand in the

17:33

mall. No, like three months.

17:36

I did write a bad thing I want to know more

17:38

about it. Let's I don't know what happened to Spencer's real

17:40

quick Just so we can go ahead, please please please Spencer's

17:42

gifts was founded in 1947 in Easton, Pennsylvania By

17:45

Max Spencer as a mail order catalog

17:48

which sold in a sort of novelty

17:50

merchandise Wow, the company moved

17:52

all mail order and fulfillment operations to Atlantic City, New

17:54

Jersey in 1960 Wow

18:00

Seagram bottom. Oh, they

18:02

acquired Halloween Halloween spirit

18:05

Halloween, which is a seasonal retailer. I don't

18:07

make sense Spirit of Halloween's

18:09

are a nice fossil you open up for like three

18:11

months make like probably 70,000 bucks and

18:13

just shut them down. Yeah. I like I've been peeping those

18:15

out for a while Yeah, we might

18:17

getting into something like that That'd be nice man. They're

18:19

cheap. They cause nothing you holes and you can use

18:21

them year after year after they don't spoil Yeah, but

18:23

then you have a garage full of Freddy masks all year

18:26

and you can't park in your You

18:29

needed big story space it is fucked up to have that

18:31

many friends that

18:33

many bloody plastic butcher knives Sure,

18:37

that would be kind of the worst part is you

18:39

imagine you come in and you're drunk a

18:41

little bit right or pilled up Or whatever

18:43

some earth people in your family are pilled

18:45

up or your pilled up son drives into

18:47

the driveway, right? He hits a couple of

18:49

boxes dude, and one of the boxes is

18:51

those ghosts. It's like Oh Fucking

18:56

box just starts making that oh my

18:58

god. That'd be the mass This

19:03

motion activated the course of your car hits

19:05

a box and it fucking just activated it

19:07

didn't like 40 of those

19:09

bats just singing Great

19:12

god smash Dude

19:14

if you can't especially like a lot of warehouses You know

19:16

that businesses go out of they go out of business and

19:18

then it's like if you're like renting warehouses

19:20

They're always full of like a shit of a failed business So

19:22

you could be like a dark warehouse by yourself and like what

19:24

is this stuff? Yeah, and you just get motion activated on like

19:26

25 green eyed cats

19:29

businesses are fucking gay, dude They

19:37

are yeah, I were I dude I was

19:39

totally when I was younger I was completely

19:42

anti-business I would work retail and

19:44

I would steal unfortunately I would never do that now

19:46

But I used to steal badly from if I liked

19:48

the person I wouldn't steal if they

19:50

were mean I'd be like alright Then we'll see about

19:52

this and I could figure every place has like a

19:54

giant loophole in the cash register like

19:56

if you there would be like a thing where it's like free

19:59

baby cone of Like a baby comes up, give them a

20:01

free cone, but if anything rang up to exactly like $20 or

20:03

25 where you didn't have

20:05

to make change, you can just hit free baby cone. And

20:08

then when you go to the register, it just crumpled all up and

20:10

like stuffed it in your shoe. It was

20:12

bad, it was, yeah, it was very bad. I feel bad about that. Have

20:15

you ever gone and made peace with those people or

20:17

seek them out? No, because they were my enemies. They

20:19

were, for real, were my enemies, so. Oh yeah, what

20:22

kind of place was it? One

20:24

ice cream shop, boosters. How about

20:26

you, there fucking good people. Well,

20:29

the manager, they were great, they were fine. At

20:32

the candy place, they were for real dickheads.

20:34

They only wanted high school girls working there.

20:36

And then there was a manager who did a bunch

20:38

of, the place was called Scoop Nuts, which is

20:40

kind of funny. But

20:44

this lady hired me, she had put

20:46

in sweat equity, all of this

20:48

stuff, and she was saying they were trying

20:50

to get rid of her. Again, it's all

20:52

allegedly, I don't want the Scoop Nuts franchise

20:54

to attack me, but. Finally.

20:57

It's all rumors, but finally the owners came in and

20:59

they were just being, who hired you? Why are you

21:01

here? I was like. You're like, I'm mad. Yeah, dude,

21:03

I'm trying to make money, I'm trying to make a

21:05

living like everybody else. I need gas money.

21:08

And then from then on, when I thought the lady owned it,

21:10

I was straight as an arrow. And those two dudes came, the

21:12

lady was like, they're fucking

21:14

me, this sucks, this is bullshit, I'm so sorry, I was

21:17

like, no problem. I knew my time was limited, so I

21:19

cashed up big time. Yeah,

21:21

how much did you take from him, you think? Or allegedly

21:23

take from him, if you even did it? I mean, it

21:25

would have been, at the time it seemed crazy because I

21:28

would leave with like 70 bucks a shift and be like,

21:30

holy fuck. That's a lot, dude. Yeah, I was crushing him.

21:33

I was getting after it. I was getting after it. Because in

21:35

that register, you just typed, you weighed it and typed the amount,

21:37

so I'd be like, it would weigh it a certain thing, I

21:39

was just taxing it. Who would order 70 bucks

21:41

for the nut- It wouldn't be sent. Yeah, it wouldn't be, it would be like,

21:44

everything was five to 10 bucks, but then I could just be like 250. I

21:47

could just type it in the register. Baby come, baby come,

21:49

baby come. Cut the fucking weight in half, too. I feel

21:51

bad, if they ever reached out, obviously. Just say it to

21:53

them now, you can talk right into the camera. I got

21:55

it, man. I probably owe them like 500 bucks. Which

21:58

in high schools a lot. You're rolling with like- I'm

22:00

like that's something thing back then now. That's like

22:02

almost twenty thirty thousand With

22:07

inflation I bought a how I bought my

22:09

first house off You

22:13

have a boat it's not On

22:15

the back of it. That's the name of it, but

22:17

there you know they're probably fine guys I was just

22:19

getting information you know and when you're 17. You don't

22:22

know what the fuck's going on. Yeah, so But yeah,

22:24

I know you should steal or not. Yeah, I was

22:26

bad on that was my fault That was real that

22:28

was a weakness of line theft was a weakness, dude.

22:31

I was I love to steal What

22:33

was it about stealing man? I would try to like

22:35

let me think of some things that I stole Did

22:39

I stole a buddy mind boxers or some yet

22:41

some nice ones right there were from like gap

22:43

or something Or

22:45

like I don't even know what they had I

22:47

think that Or

22:51

something I think there was some gap or

22:53

maybe they was made out of silk oh

22:56

oh god It was nice that fucking yeah, yeah,

22:58

there's I had a pair of them They're nice

23:00

in silk even and yeah, it must have probably

23:02

took 70,000 spiders to

23:04

make these fucking boxes right like it was stunning

23:07

And I stole them and then warm knew his

23:09

fucking house. He's like dude. Those are my You're

23:17

crazy, and then he was always like I don't know if he was

23:19

gay But he's always trying to take him off of my body

23:21

true that is fucked up. He was trying to do that Yeah,

23:23

so that's how so you guys are just getting changed, and he

23:26

was like yo those are mine Yeah, yeah, I'm looking at my

23:28

dick, bro. This is crazy. Yeah, he was gonna take him off

23:30

me I'm like even if I'm a thief dude doesn't mean you

23:32

should be gay True two

23:34

wrongs. I'll make it right yeah, dude So it's just

23:36

that kind of activity in the community was kind of

23:39

changed in the scope in our area um

23:41

I had a dude who I know I knew of

23:43

a guy who His

23:45

friend had stolen something similar his friend has stolen

23:48

his favorite t-shirt or something He really liked

23:50

and he's stolen it and he was like

23:52

give it back to me his friend wouldn't give it back He's like fuck

23:54

you well like they're like messing around and this dude

23:56

went into his house And this the kid had a hot

23:58

sister, and he stole a pair of The sister's panties

24:00

hmm, and then went to the dude. It was like

24:02

yo I you know I fucked this chick check

24:05

it out and hit him hit the panties and he went Awesome,

24:08

and it was a I never told him yeah It's

24:12

so diabolical he told me I

24:14

was like I mean you definitely won that battle, but I was

24:16

like that's That's a heavy

24:18

cost And

24:22

that's the kind of shit that's happening in God I

24:26

Need to stop Yeah, we need

24:28

to send force right now. What the

24:30

crazy thing is over there. It's like I Don't

24:34

know I don't know enough about it. I need to

24:36

have people on that know about it Yeah,

24:38

but they're all the problem is usually they take one side, so

24:41

I'm right Maybe they have one of each then

24:43

they just fight dude this guy do you

24:45

know destiny he's on every podcast separate episodes

24:47

Yeah, it's it's him. Yeah, true Separate

24:49

episodes when you get like two really

24:52

fast-talking guys And they just like go

24:54

on these like you the Abraham Accords of 1974 little

24:56

little you're just kind of like I can't tell Who's

24:59

winning right now tough separate episodes? I think is what

25:01

I need because I wanted to know oh, yeah, I

25:03

make okay I thought he's on everyone yeah that uh

25:05

yeah, I want to have two set two two guys

25:07

separate episodes Yeah, that's because I want

25:09

to know more about it It just feels fucked up like

25:12

in my heart like if I asked my heart what's going

25:14

on here today Palace you got

25:16

a free Palestine. I don't know how though. It's like

25:18

yeah, I know that's just a term, but it's like

25:22

Yeah, I don't know cuz it doesn't seem like they're

25:24

bad guys No, but then

25:26

they but then there's the October 7th, and

25:28

that's horrible Well the problem is

25:30

the Hamas distinction stuff because then they

25:33

Hamas they say hides within the civilian

25:35

population But then the civilian population elected

25:37

Hamas, but then you feel like look into

25:39

why it's like they got like bombed terribly So they're

25:41

like alright. Well then fuck you right Yeah,

25:44

man, it's one of those things. It's like dude and

25:46

apparently there's like other genocides going on too That's not

25:48

the only one. Oh really yeah, I think so I

25:50

think there's some other terrible wars going I could be

25:52

wrong, but I think there's some other ones as well

25:54

Yeah, so there's a lot. There's a lot of them.

25:56

I think they're always going on too. Just terrible. I'm

25:59

gonna Wyoming I'm

26:01

gonna have a warning in Manupur India Okay,

26:05

the moss is up there Genocide

26:07

watch turkeys obstruction of a decirds Genocide

26:10

alerts is currently from genocide alerts

26:12

comm it's a website Who

26:15

bought that is fucking? If

26:18

you bought that what do we live in this

26:20

show up on your woop brace? This

26:24

is unbelievable that we have a

26:26

website called genocide alerts now That's

26:28

a wake up in the morning and you check genocide

26:32

of work emergencies and warnings 2024 current

26:35

alerts Israel Hamas in Gaza Manupur

26:39

India I'm

26:42

looking for the PayPal link at the bottom. Yeah,

26:44

that would be be like 75 bucks. We'll

26:46

keep fighting these Yeah,

26:51

dude, there's more oh that's 2022 okay, so there's not

26:53

too too many Just

26:57

I wonder if we get accurate news about it

26:59

too though. That's the thing. I mean yeah, it's

27:01

pretty tough man It's like coming out of a

27:03

usually some sort of dictatorship on one side of

27:05

the other Yeah, dude. I don't know

27:07

what's going on like if you ask me about like Texas politics. I'm

27:10

like I don't know I have no clue you

27:12

need to know it today's episode

27:14

is sponsored by prize picks That's

27:16

how you pick them if you

27:19

like firing on sports like I

27:21

do prize Picks is the best

27:23

daily fantasy sports app for you what I

27:25

like about it is that it's unique You

27:27

can fire on all your favorite sports like

27:30

NBA UFC NHL

27:32

and many more But

27:34

instead of choosing teams you choose

27:36

individual players now each player

27:39

has a set projection And

27:41

you either choose more or less than

27:43

the set projection for example if you

27:45

think Luca Doncic is gonna have more

27:48

than 17 rebounds Then

27:51

you're like me while if you think

27:54

Josh Hart is gonna have less than

27:56

nine points You would choose that if

27:59

you were smart with and you know what players are

28:01

going to perform on what nights, PrizePix

28:03

is the best app for you.

28:06

Download the app and use code Theo. PrizePix

28:09

will match your deposit up to $100. You

28:13

can get in there, you can pick them, and

28:16

you can enjoy it. That's PrizePix.

28:18

Pick them and enjoy it. This

28:21

episode is sponsored by Blue Chew.

28:24

That's right. Let's talk about sex fellas. If

28:26

you're having sex, some of you aren't. You

28:28

can take Blue Chew as well. You don't have to be

28:31

engaged in sex. You can just take them and

28:33

watch your body work, baby. Remember the days

28:36

when you're always ready to go. Now

28:38

you can increase your performance and

28:40

get that extra confidence in bed. I'm

28:43

talking about bluechew.com. Blue

28:46

Chew is a unique online service that

28:48

delivers the same active ingredients as

28:51

Viagra, Cialis, and Levitra, but

28:54

in chew-eyeball tablets and

28:56

at a fraction of the cost. The

28:58

best part, it's all done online. So

29:01

no doctor's visits, no awkward conversations, and

29:03

no waiting in line at the pharmacy.

29:06

Does it work? Yup. Do you think you need it?

29:08

It's up to you, but I like

29:10

popping them and chewing my way to

29:13

some decent winner you can do it. Blue Chew

29:15

wants to help you have better sex, and we've

29:17

got the special deal for our

29:19

listeners. Try Blue Chew free when you

29:21

use our promo code Theo at checkout,

29:24

just pay $5 shipping. That's

29:26

bluechew.com promo code Theo

29:29

to receive your first month free. Visit bluechew.com

29:32

for more details and

29:34

important safety information, and we thank Blue

29:36

Chew for sponsoring the podcast. Matt

29:39

McCuster, your podcaster and a comedian. Well,

29:42

you started out obviously working in ice cream. You

29:44

started out working in theft. Theft, yeah.

29:47

Yeah, there was theft, ice cream, retail.

29:49

No, I actually- What retail do

29:51

you work at? It was really just Brewsters and

29:53

the Candy Place. I did, my family did construction,

29:56

so I did more construction growing up, but it

29:58

was like, I got a couple retail guys. I

30:00

kind of did almost every I worked in an office

30:02

for a couple months did retail

30:04

deconstruction Pizza

30:07

delivery the pizza delivery. Oh, yeah. Yeah, I

30:09

was pretty chill. He delivers pretty crazy, dude

30:11

Yeah, I was delivering pizza in a bad

30:13

neighborhood, too And that's like scary as fuck

30:16

I had multiple not I had multiple instances

30:18

right at like same time a pie with

30:21

the cash It was crazy It

30:23

was yeah, it was not good. I should

30:26

cook I was the cook too. So I would cook

30:28

I was there by myself I would cook and then

30:30

I would block the store and then go deliver a

30:32

pizza and have to like think all right Yeah, well,

30:34

let me see that and it was crazy. It

30:36

was unbelievable You basically a one

30:39

man business. Why are you working for somebody else? You

30:44

started some pizza shop, dude, I was like, yeah, I'll do

30:46

it and I quit the office job I was at a

30:48

sales job and I quit that I was like dude I

30:50

can't do this anymore Did you ever

30:52

sell telemarketing to give her so like Tony

30:54

little gazelle freestylers to people on like? My

30:57

buddy used to do that my buddy had to work for his

31:00

dad one summer and his dad Like a

31:02

call center and he had his call and sell

31:04

with his Tony. Oh, he was doing those dude He

31:06

had a cell Tony little Tyler's

31:10

and it's basically just like it's almost like

31:12

a it's like a swing set for people

31:14

who could be And I don't

31:17

like to say this word out loud but retarded.

31:19

Yeah, yeah, it's a swing set It's like a

31:21

by leg by pedal swing set for people that

31:23

could be retarded It's like people

31:25

that are afraid to ski right? It's

31:30

like you can practice as a wife leaving your

31:32

husband's right It's like that's how you

31:35

would go right? It's like every wife that wanted to leave

31:37

their husband But they were afraid they would just get on

31:39

this for an hour. Yeah, you would just pied piper them

31:41

away Yeah, that thing's crazy.

31:43

My buddy had to cold call people and try to

31:45

sell it to him. So dude but

31:48

also they had numbers that would go in that people would call

31:50

in and We

31:52

would call in all the time and he had to

31:54

do like a like a 30-second pream world He

31:59

would do it and be like QUICK! Did

32:01

you ever do a call center? No

32:05

man, I worked at umm...we had

32:07

a pizza place too. I worked

32:10

at one called BJ's and

32:12

then there was another one, Born Again Crustions.

32:15

It was a pizza. Dude, that's nice. It

32:17

was pretty cool. It was like this

32:19

church that started a little Italian pie area.

32:21

Dude, I sold Italian food door to

32:23

door with a dude, right? There was this

32:26

guy my mommy went on a date with.

32:30

And he was like, he wasn't even Italian,

32:32

he just had a mustache. Like that's kind

32:34

of the part of the south we were

32:36

in. Like if somebody had a mustache they

32:38

wouldn't have it. We're like,

32:40

what do you mean he's like as a quest? Yeah.

32:44

So anyway, but I had to go door to

32:46

door with him and I was just like his

32:48

assistant or something. I would get like two bucks

32:50

but he would just sell like

32:53

Italian like frozen stuff to wives or whatever.

32:55

And dude, I swear sometimes I kind of

32:58

remember he would just leave me alone. I

33:00

know he was like talking to these wives,

33:02

like just like dirty business.

33:06

But let's get into it. I sidetracked it so mad. So

33:09

that's what you were working in. Yeah, I

33:12

was doing, you know, I grew up mainly

33:14

doing construction with odd jobs and then I

33:16

went to school for

33:18

psychology and then I tried to, well

33:20

I did, I dropped my psychology major

33:22

then switched to business just because

33:25

my friends were in business. So I was like, I'm gonna go chill

33:27

with my friends. So I switched my whole major to

33:29

be in class with my friends. Really?

33:32

Yeah. It wasn't good. It

33:34

wasn't a good idea. Looking back on it, I'm like, damn, I fucked up.

33:36

Because psychology is like you got to go to school for like seven

33:38

more years and I was like, yeah, fuck that. Like

33:40

all my friends are in business. I'm like, I'm just gonna do that. So

33:43

I was like, I'm gonna go to school for business and I assumed

33:45

if I went to school for business, I'd automatically make $100,000 a year.

33:49

This is what I told myself. I'm like, yeah, I'll make 100 G's for

33:51

sure. And like 2008 came,

33:53

the real estate market collapsed. But

33:56

I know I started doing stand up when I was like 23 in

33:58

Philly. Okay, so I

34:00

would do it. I might what I would do is I

34:02

do stand up for like six months And I'm like fuck

34:04

this and stuff do it for like nine months fuck this

34:07

and stop I just did that forever and ever and ever

34:10

So and then me and Shane started the podcast and

34:12

I had still been doing stand-up back then I was

34:14

doing stand-up a lot so I just got divorced. Oh,

34:17

yeah. Yeah, I made a really when I was

34:19

when I was younger I was

34:21

like 26 or 7 I like got

34:23

engaged when I was younger I was like no more of

34:25

this bullshit or funny business I'm gonna put my best foot

34:27

forward and be a husband and I

34:29

just fucking failed dude. Like I couldn't do it

34:33

I for real thought I just thought that's what you do.

34:35

I'm like, yeah, it's time to you know, quit fucking around

34:37

I like try to get I was like a personal trainer

34:39

at LA Fitness. I was like

34:41

selling weed like it was bad It

34:45

was bad Wow, well you're entrepreneurial it

34:47

sounds like true I yeah, my family

34:49

are all entrepreneurial my dad owned his own

34:51

business all like they all did their own thing So

34:53

I grew up with that was just kind of drilled

34:55

into me Like you have to work for yourself Wow.

34:57

Yeah, which is cool. That's kind of cool Yeah, but

34:59

they also everyone works like working 60 hours a week

35:02

was like the norm My dad was always like 40

35:04

hours is part-time. You do 40

35:06

hour weeks. You're a part-timer. Yeah, I was like, oh,

35:08

yeah Somebody said Jesus only worked like 30 hours a week

35:12

Who said that huh? You said that I but

35:14

it's like pretty Bring

35:16

it up. I know a lot

35:19

of people. How many hours a week did Jesus work? Look

35:21

at up 30

35:24

kind of is dude, dude, I could tell

35:26

you a lot of shit, dude I heard

35:28

honestly Frederick Douglass like dudes, bro. What? Yeah,

35:31

and nobody wants to say that shit

35:33

Frederick Douglass Damn, really? Yeah,

35:35

are you breaking it? I? Don't

35:38

want to out the dude Free

35:42

at last It

35:46

took me I had to go through like my database

35:48

of people I thought at first to come up Michael

35:51

Douglas And then I went oh,

35:53

yeah, yeah a different guy different guy damn. He

35:55

was looking really different guy possibly fucking way different

35:57

He was possibly fucking dudes. That's crazy

36:00

I mean I get that crazy though no

36:03

it's not cuz think about it you're like I'm gonna

36:05

do something different I don't want to have slavery right

36:07

I don't want it I'm gonna lead

36:09

my people to a different direction yeah and especially a

36:11

lot of more men I think what person just lays

36:13

were males that's a good point

36:15

never thought about that also

36:18

he was an outside the box thinker he was you know

36:20

right so he was like you know what else I might

36:22

literally okay whoa is 179 damn that's

36:25

like every 100 females it's like

36:27

China so that's definitely a good way

36:29

to meet dudes probably yeah sausage party

36:33

so yeah the Underground Railroad was a

36:35

sauce that's fucking bullshit oh that's

36:38

fucking bullshit yeah that is bullshit

36:44

dude because yeah that's crazy

36:46

the fucking Underground Railroad was a sausage

36:50

party oh I bet dudes were

36:52

hooking up bro probably yeah once

36:54

they got yeah especially going to like the East

36:56

Coast you get there it's probably like liberals L

36:58

back then it's like liberal it's right very

37:00

not at all but yeah that's

37:02

uh that's fucked up I didn't know

37:04

the ratio so off I assumed it was one-to-one me

37:07

too yeah you just kind of think that isn't that funny

37:09

your brain just kind of thinks that you know like why

37:12

if you really think about that for

37:14

like two more seconds you're like what

37:16

happened like there's a reason like China

37:18

has suppressed female births they're like

37:21

how did that work out you know

37:23

was there's no way they were being born at that rate

37:25

of male to female right they just

37:27

chose to suppress it yeah that's fucked

37:30

up apparently in Rome they used to just throw babies in

37:32

the trash like nothing huh Sparta there was

37:34

like a badge of honor feel like if your kid

37:36

came out like a little bit defective you're supposed to

37:38

just like toss them in the trash and everything like

37:40

nice no way they're like that's how we'll keep it

37:42

strong yeah well

37:44

shout out to the Jews the Jews were people back

37:46

then who were like that's wrong and they didn't do

37:48

it they would tell me not to do

37:51

it yeah they're like you don't throw kids out like

37:53

that dude this Jewish lady should drop her kids off

37:55

at the McDonald's in our town and fucking they would

37:57

stay there all day long really yeah those kids were

37:59

there ever And I think one of them

38:01

was mentally disabled or something. Some

38:04

people were always saying that he dropped them

38:06

off there and it wasn't cool. Yeah, that's

38:08

not nice at all. But I think even

38:10

a couple of someone, I think more than

38:12

one of them might have been mentally disabled.

38:14

But also most of our town was mentally

38:16

disabled, dude. You don't

38:18

realize when other people, like mentally

38:20

disabled people stay in one area

38:22

and fuck. So

38:24

all that's going to happen over time

38:27

of that area is just like a

38:31

quagmire of

38:35

intellectual cul-de-sacking. Yeah, dude. Especially when you

38:37

find out about Asbergers, I've come to

38:39

the – well, actually it was brought

38:41

to my attention. I kind

38:43

of believe my one cousin. I think my entire

38:46

family has Asbergers, like my entire

38:48

– like a touch of it. And

38:51

she explained this and I was like, damn,

38:53

dude, you're right. We all have Asbergers. And

38:56

I was like, you know, it's good to know.

38:58

I'm not trying to jump on the bandwagon. But

39:00

it's like I'm talking about just a tiny spider

39:02

bite. Like a little – we

39:04

definitely – Just enough. Just enough, dude. Just

39:06

some fucking freckles on the cerebellum. Yeah. Because

39:09

we go to family parties. It's just data

39:11

dumps. It's just like you're sitting there waiting

39:13

to tell someone what you're into and they're

39:15

like, this week I actually did –

39:17

I paved a patio and they're like, oh cool, actually

39:19

my podcast. And everyone just data dumps on each other.

39:21

Everyone's like, all right, later. It goes home. Yeah,

39:24

I feel that, dude. It's kind of nice. Yeah,

39:27

it's definitely – times are changing. Things

39:29

are blurring. I mean, we have illegal

39:32

aliens that are going to be the

39:34

lifeguards at the swimming pool. That

39:37

guy's crazy, dude. I almost fucking love

39:39

the dude now, though. We

39:42

have so many open lifeguard positions and

39:45

so many good swimmers that are illegal.

39:47

Dude, it's such a funny – yeah,

39:50

he didn't even have to go into that detail. He could have

39:52

been like, yeah, we're going to open it up. Apparently – I

39:54

read a book and they said we were going to have to

39:56

start actually enticing immigrants once we –

39:58

once the baby boomers die. I RFP hmm.

40:01

We're gonna have a huge population dip

40:03

so our immigration policy in like 2040

40:05

will most likely be us Begging

40:07

immigrants to come or competing with other

40:09

countries other countries have severe population dips

40:12

like Europe, Canada China is

40:14

gonna get crushed. We're gonna be courting immigrants from

40:16

like Africa and Latin America really that please come

40:18

here Yeah, that's what the guy said The

40:21

population dips gonna be crazy in like 40 years They

40:23

said there's gonna be houses are just gonna drop because

40:26

we have so many houses once baby

40:29

boomers There's so many more baby boomers than

40:31

the like the other generation So well, what are you

40:33

talking about because people have been saying that overpopulation is

40:36

gonna be an issue. That's the thing It's not at

40:38

all. It's not going to be whatsoever.

40:40

It's the first time I'm hearing of that. Yeah, it's kind

40:42

of good news I mean, it's kind of cool. Yeah, but

40:44

it's also I'm just realizing that the last time I heard

40:46

it was somebody just told me it and Then

40:48

now you're just telling me this so it's like

40:50

I'm telling you overpopulation is a myth We're not

40:52

gonna get over is it over which what are

40:54

we doing right now overpopulation or underpopulation? According

40:57

to the US Census Bureau The

41:00

civilian honest use all the population has grown into

41:02

a 1.1 percent over the past 40 years. Yeah,

41:04

that's baby boomer Okay,

41:06

and then they once they die their

41:09

developing world is still having kids like that, but all

41:11

of like Canada Europe Asia

41:13

like no one any developed country has

41:15

maybe one to two kids per household

41:18

and the baby boomers are having like five So

41:20

you just do that math and it's just like

41:22

the population despite brothers are smashing I did a

41:24

lot of them are definitely having some fucking kids.

41:26

Yeah for sure. There's definitely there, you know, but

41:28

they're on average But yeah, they're definitely they're crushing

41:30

it and the maxis are smashing dude. Mash it

41:33

up. They should yeah, they should oh definitely dude

41:35

I don't know how they do it. Usually if

41:37

I come up from a hard days work the

41:39

last thing I want to do is fucking Yeah,

41:41

it's tough. I don't even want to jerk off

41:43

sometimes. That's how sad I am After

41:47

a hard day of work. Yeah, it's like I won't

41:49

even jerk myself off. It's like Yeah,

41:51

but I guess that's good. Probably there's nothing

41:54

sadder than somebody jerking off kind of yeah

41:56

It's really it's weird, especially before work jerking

41:58

off before work Like pretty

42:01

pretty well if you do that your your

42:04

whoop bracelet should let the cops know There's

42:09

no reason they track you

42:11

like the coven tracker everyone's phone

42:13

things like this guy just fab that

42:16

would be terrible There's

42:18

no way we're far from that though Dude

42:20

once they get something in our body that

42:22

can detect like because we don't do a

42:24

lot. We're hungry. We jerk off Yeah cancer

42:26

right like We're

42:28

not doing a lot of crazy shit, you know,

42:31

they could figure any of your phone data

42:33

They I'm paranoid still because they

42:35

say they're just looking they're like tracking your

42:37

facial expressions And what you're looking at at

42:39

all times Damn takes one rogue engineer to

42:41

be like bang got him and

42:43

you're just you're you on your camera like With

42:47

what you're looking at just print it out and they can

42:49

take bam. Oh that they watched you

42:51

watch porn You mean I mean they could apparently all

42:53

here all of our data is being watched today It's

42:55

being watched in mass, but you would think like if

42:57

I'm suck I could definitely be like, okay Where's he

43:00

at and get like your IP address and they

43:02

if you give them your IP address They can go on

43:04

your computer from their computer. I'm to change of mine then

43:07

Yeah Yeah, he's a

43:10

VPN I guess but yeah, but the VPNs a

43:12

lot of them are made by Facebook in those

43:14

companies Yeah, that makes sense. That was like horse.

43:16

They're gonna make a VPN Remember signal

43:18

and all those like you ever use those like burner

43:20

phone apps on your phone. Yeah, still use them so

43:22

those appear there was one in Europe

43:25

that was like a it was like the after use

43:27

if you're up to like no good and it was

43:29

just set up by the Government and they caught people

43:31

committing murders and ordering hit mention So

43:33

yeah, we got a safe line I need you to kill a guy

43:36

and the government has collected all of it and just busted everybody

43:39

It makes no sense. It's people who sell drugs like hit me up

43:41

on signal and you're like, yeah, dude They

43:43

can get this like no, it's crypt. It's encrypted. It's

43:45

like yeah, I guess the craziest thing that happened on

43:47

signal I got on a signal one time So is

43:49

it you gotta get on signal and I actually hit

43:51

the thing where it's like let all your contacts know

43:53

You're a pig or whatever People

44:00

were like, what are you up to? It

44:06

is funny to see whose turn when you open signaling see

44:08

who of your contacts are in signal you're like All right,

44:10

that's what's up. You just get to

44:12

find out who's living kind of a CD a

44:14

little doing something CD Yeah, who's willing to? Who

44:18

is willing to risk it all? Yeah

44:23

Yeah, there's like signal we chat but

44:25

yeah, that's that is a funny thing people just

44:28

have total faith and they'll hit me up on

44:30

Yeah, all right, man, but dude imagine you're screaming

44:32

for help in a pool and the guy Help

44:36

you doesn't even speak English dude. He thinks

44:38

you're just doing a fucking tick tock dance

44:40

or something. I Mean

44:42

they'd probably be on it though. They would probably jump

44:45

down Yeah, I mean

44:47

dude. I I'm all in favor of that because I've been

44:49

burnt too many times by lack of lifeguards But yeah, just

44:51

god damn it that it's such a Such

44:54

a strike politically. It's just such a strange cause

44:56

it's like alright, bro I feel you we

44:58

can get into lifeguarding. Yeah, but we

45:01

have him where I live. There's no lifeguards

45:03

We have like neighborhood pools. No, I really

45:05

know lifeguards. It's pretty tight Yeah,

45:08

go to a pool by yourself. I

45:11

do I remember yeah being at a

45:13

pool by myself once and I Think

45:16

I got nervous or whatever. So I went to masturbate that

45:18

like a little pool house in there, you know and

45:22

Some guy peaked in the bathroom when I

45:24

was in there What yeah,

45:27

and then I was like, oh my god,

45:29

dude made me so nervous and then I

45:32

had to go back out. It

45:34

was just me and him just swimming in the

45:36

pool together for a while Yeah, this dude would

45:39

just blatantly see me masturbating in all man in

45:41

Atlanta. I Will say

45:43

jerking off fresh out the pool kind of

45:45

hits different If you get out

45:47

of a pool and you jerk off It's slightly different

45:49

something that has to do with like getting a lot

45:51

of sunlight and then jerking off I swear like leaving

45:53

the beach at like lunchtime to jerk

45:56

off. That's insane Oh,

46:00

yeah, it's crazy dude skins all

46:02

warm. It's nice Yeah,

46:06

I guess there is different cool times to do it,

46:08

huh? Yeah, a full moon people

46:10

used to do it a lot when I was growing

46:12

up full moon would be nice That would be definitely

46:14

the day after that people would be this war like

46:18

gave it all around

46:22

You so so how do you meet Shane because you and

46:24

Shane started Matt and Shane secret podcast, which is Last

46:27

year was the highest grossing podcast on patreon. Yeah, it's

46:29

crazy. It's insane It's unbelievable when you start them. I

46:31

like you check the date in the oh my god

46:33

Oh my god, then at one point you stop checking

46:36

that you see your number one You're like fuck. It

46:38

just it's surreal, but we met so we're

46:40

both doing stand-up. It was 2014

46:43

I had won Philly's funniest he comes 2015

46:46

So I'm like thinking I'm a white guy

46:48

the Caitlin Clark of Philly. Yeah, well he

46:50

came in and I think he wanted 2015

46:53

So I we met in 2014. I just wanted

46:55

I'm like really feeling myself. So I'm at a

46:57

show It's funny cuz I'm like dude, this is

46:59

crazy. So when I go to a show is above an

47:01

ice cream parlor So I'm just no way. Yeah,

47:04

I'm a warden out above the ice cream parlors like

47:06

leveling up literally It

47:08

was funny too because I think the the

47:10

owner was crazy. It was a whole debacle

47:12

but so I've he had just moved from

47:14

a Harrisburg

47:17

and No one knew who he was so he came

47:19

from Harrisburg and I'm watching him and

47:21

he was headlining I'm gonna come on a horseback or

47:23

something. I mean the story of Shane Gillis. Yeah, well,

47:26

it was crazy Cuz again never seen him ever in

47:28

my life. Yeah watching him do stand-up in 2014 and

47:30

I'm going Holy

47:32

fuck this dude is so fun. He had back then.

47:34

I remember specifically he did a joke I

47:37

don't remember what it was exactly is a very sensitive topic

47:40

Lost a crowd and I was like,

47:42

oh, I guess he's done dude two minutes later crowds

47:44

cracking up You brought him back and I was like,

47:46

whoa, and then we started talking after that.

47:48

He's like a famous burr set in Philly It

47:51

was crazy and then he He

47:55

should we like started talking after the show. I was like

47:57

dude, that was awesome And then he showed me a video

47:59

of a guy getting eaten by a bear and then

48:01

I showed him a video of a guy jumping off a roof and

48:03

we just totally clicked up. So that was

48:05

real that's how we met and then we

48:07

started we got a house together with a

48:10

couple other comedians like pretty shortly afterwards. See

48:12

and girls say guys are hard to figure out I

48:15

feel like it's like meet me

48:17

above an ice cream parlor. That's what I'm saying. Show

48:19

me a video of something eating something else. I'll

48:21

show you a video of an animal attacking

48:24

something. Dude we're good. And let's start a

48:26

family. Yeah and I was like devour freshly

48:28

divorced air mattress. I think actually we met

48:30

before I'd gotten totally divorced. Did you lose

48:32

a lot of stuff in the divorce? I

48:34

had nothing. Yeah I always heard

48:36

people like oh she's so her. She took so much

48:38

from me and I'm like bro I had no it

48:40

was embarrassing. I wish I lost stuff in the divorce

48:42

dude. I had nothing. You're still sending her stuff every

48:44

now and then. I should

48:47

man. For real it's fucked up. I

48:49

just didn't I didn't have anything but I like. Do you

48:51

remember the day you left in the divorce? Dude it's the

48:53

saddest day. It's for real the saddest. She's a nice lady.

48:56

She sounds beautiful. She was a very nice lady.

48:58

I just couldn't do it. It was one of

49:01

those things where I was living a life that

49:04

it wasn't my life. That's the only way I can explain

49:06

it. I was meant to do other stuff. I

49:08

could feel it and it was just like I

49:10

tried my best to get jobs and I'm like dude

49:12

I can go straight and narrow. To get a regular

49:14

job. That's all I want to do. My dad was

49:16

like that. Like have work at a place. Come home.

49:19

Have kids. I was all for that. I

49:21

just couldn't. I was like warped. I couldn't do

49:23

it. I tried so. You really tried. You made

49:25

as much of an effort as you could. As

49:28

I could. But I learned I was severely handicapped

49:30

in terms of like relating. You don't realize how

49:33

bad it is until you live with a woman

49:35

for you know a couple years. Handicapped at what?

49:37

I'm sorry I stepped on you. Like emotional relation.

49:39

Trying to like like see things from other people's

49:42

perspectives. Like I was totally unequipped but

49:44

the day I left for real was one of the saddest. It

49:46

was like the saddest things ever. It was like I was crying.

49:48

Where were you? I was in Roxboro. So

49:50

in Philadelphia like just some area of Philly. It was cool.

49:52

I liked the house. We had a dog. Yeah we had

49:54

a dog together. And who did it all come in your

49:56

car or stayed? It stayed. It was her dog.

49:58

It was her dog first. To be

50:00

fair, but uh yeah, she was really nice man. It

50:02

was just I talk about taking the dog now, man

50:04

I wasn't gonna do that that would have been heartless

50:06

to be like when you said bye like was there

50:09

a hug What was that kind of like final kind

50:11

of moment like just sad it was just like goodbye

50:13

You know did she come out and walk you out or

50:15

you said bye inside? She was kicking around so it's kind

50:17

of like there's a last glance and it was there's frills

50:20

like this etched into my memory It's one of like the

50:22

saddest days of my life Cuz I

50:24

had never really felt anything about stuff like that

50:26

like my relationships before that were like I

50:28

would just develop a girlfriend Like we would just

50:31

be like hooking up, and then I'd be like oh fuck

50:33

I got a girlfriend, and you know it was like very

50:35

very disassociated. I just go through the motions This I was

50:37

like trying to put my best foot forward That was like

50:39

the first time I really like I was like oh I

50:41

get what people are talking about like with Experiencing

50:43

like serious heartbreak and all that stuff just

50:46

burnt you down Yeah, crush me if really if it fucking

50:48

crushed me I had you crying before you got in the

50:50

car or do you I was crying I was crying on

50:52

the way when I left I wasn't crying before I got

50:54

in the car Then I was crying on the way it's

50:56

hard to get the key in the things I was you're

50:58

really fucking crying yeah, dude I was crying at the first

51:00

getting reversed and all that shit it was brutal wait till

51:02

I'm in forward for yeah And then I had to walk

51:04

the dog every day because I was like look I'll come

51:06

up and walk the dog all year at work like don't

51:08

I don't want her to stress about anything So I came

51:10

back go back in the house during work No one would

51:12

be there and I'd walk the dog and it was just

51:14

just Consumed with guilt and just

51:16

horrible feelings wandering through your old life like a

51:18

fucking ghost yeah for real And I'd why I

51:21

love the dog to the dog look did you

51:23

did the dog know you think I? Don't

51:26

know it was definitely pumped to see me It was always kind

51:28

of pumped to see me, but I don't know I couldn't tell

51:30

I like it was maybe in an essay or something What's

51:32

that say sigma? If epsilon it just sounds like the

51:35

dogs in a frat or something it didn't have any

51:37

fucking It

51:40

was But

51:46

yeah, it was for real as a big eye-opener for me

51:48

though, man That's when I started being like okay like there's

51:50

because when you're younger You're just so in your own head

51:52

where you're like I'm the only person with feelings that matter

51:55

in this world Then you like really encounter like the depths

51:57

of somebody else's and you're like oh, this is like serious

51:59

to like Just fuck around with people's lives.

52:02

So it was a big eye opening for me. I did

52:04

the air mattress on my brother's house for

52:06

a while. That's heavy, dude. It reminds me,

52:08

I was in love with a girl in

52:10

high school, right, when I was a senior

52:12

and I was in there and

52:14

I remember I decided I was gonna go away to

52:16

school in University of Arizona. And some

52:18

people that I'm from had never even heard of Arizona,

52:21

right? They didn't believe in it. People

52:23

like I showed it on a map and they

52:25

just called me a map, and

52:27

I was like, fuck it. It was

52:29

crazy some of the stuff that was happening. And

52:32

I remember just like she and

52:34

I were crying in her living

52:36

room or whatever. Oh,

52:39

her mom let me, this is crazy, her mom

52:41

let me stay over the last night I was

52:43

there, right? But

52:45

her mom's like, no funny business. You guys

52:48

can sleep in the same room, like in

52:50

the family room, right? What's that about? I

52:53

don't know, dude, but here's the crazy part. So

52:55

anyway, somebody started some

52:57

funny business and

53:00

then I'm walking to go

53:02

get some water or something or get some piss out

53:04

of my wiener or something. And

53:06

her mom's sitting right there

53:08

in a chair. What? Yeah.

53:12

Fuck, man. Killed people horrible about that. And

53:15

you could see that my wiener was still

53:17

like wiener. Yeah, you were pumped up, yeah.

53:20

Oh, God. My wiener was like, it's a

53:22

party, it's a party, it's a party. And

53:24

I was young. Did she say anything? Did

53:26

she say anything? No, but I still feel

53:28

how she felt. Yeah. I can still

53:30

feel it, but she loved me. She loved, the mom

53:32

loved me, and so she had some respect for

53:34

me. She knew that I really loved her daughter. That's

53:36

more, though, that she knew what you guys were, she

53:39

has to have something to add. But at least she

53:41

was close enough there in the distance, almost like

53:43

a bird mom, you know? Like, hey,

53:45

I'm gonna hang, you can stay in the nest, but I'm

53:47

gonna be right here on your branch. Oh, God. Just

53:50

in case anybody falls out and breaks a wing or something.

53:52

True, yeah. Yeah,

53:54

just in case somebody's fucking, yeah. I

53:57

had to put a worm in the wrong place, you know? But

54:00

what happened was then I the next day I

54:02

told her buy it like this gas station was

54:04

this big sad thing And we're both like balling

54:06

crying dude Yeah, fuck and then I drove off

54:09

and my fucking car overheated like 600 feet

54:11

from the gas That

54:17

fucking sucks because when your car overheats you

54:19

think if I drive faster it starts to

54:21

cool down your engine Yeah, but yeah, I've

54:23

that shit so that's embarrassing. Oh, it was

54:25

horrible I'm pouring cold water. Yeah, the fucking

54:28

air vents trying to get it in there

54:30

Yeah, I've tried to do that a bunch

54:32

of times socks man. It's just drips out

54:34

just yeah, this that shit of just that

54:36

heartbreak Dude, yeah, I had a real low

54:38

point the one day when I was I've

54:41

Shane was laughing about this when I was telling him but I like

54:43

I had a real low point driving home

54:45

one day from walking The dog I'm crying. I would

54:47

cry every day. I'm crying the way home driving down

54:49

Kelly Drive That's like in Philly That's a big like

54:51

outdoor green area people jog up and down there and

54:53

some dude have really short shorts on And

54:55

I like pull I stopped at a light and he like looked in the car. I

54:57

looked at him was like We

55:08

was like looking in the car and I was like Try

55:13

to slam his shorts and I was just visibly bawling and

55:15

I know it's a little point I remember just being like

55:17

what the fuck was that all about dude? Great dude crying.

55:19

That's a hot dude to a gate He

55:22

was probably just a dude wearing regular athletic gear he might not

55:24

even gay yeah, that's true I like to think I didn't hate

55:26

grandma guy while I was crying But I think he was straight

55:28

as the guy was straight as hell like I was so straight

55:34

Yeah, oh obviously he's in the wrong yeah

55:39

Dude I remember one time I was driving and I'd

55:41

been drinking right because it was think it was daytime

55:43

or whatever and I'm cruising and

55:47

The cop had pulled somebody else over on the

55:49

side of the road and he sees me literally

55:51

just drinking out of a taco vodka bottle No

55:54

shirt, right just ripping it in

55:56

in 1984 for that sport The

56:00

passenger seat stolen out of it, right? So

56:03

anyway, I'm cruising duty points at

56:05

me like pull over He's

56:09

dealing with that ticket so I pull over You

56:17

got away yeah, he never called that's funny he was

56:19

like yes, come here I'm gonna give you a DUI

56:21

when I'm done with this dude a lot

56:23

of guys get away from cops I've heard of a couple people

56:25

by now. I just take off and it's like so I'm surprised

56:27

I thought everyone gets called who does that but yeah people get

56:30

away Yeah, a lot of cops want

56:32

you to just get home safely. I think in

56:34

the end Yeah, and sometimes they gauge

56:36

on how to do it That's

56:38

so funny. Just big fuck this I'm out of here

56:41

You can be a better you in 2024

56:44

with babble the science-backed

56:46

language learning app that actually Works.

56:49

I've started using babble. I'm

56:51

enjoying my time with it. I'm not

56:53

fluent. I'm not even I Don't

56:56

even think I could communicate if I got abducted or

56:58

anything yet, but with my captors, but

57:01

one day I'll be able to Babble's

57:03

quick 10-minute lessons are handcrafted

57:05

by over 200 language experts

57:08

to help you start speaking a new language

57:10

In as little as three

57:12

weeks Babble is designed

57:14

by real people for real conversations

57:17

Studies from Yale Michigan State

57:19

University and others continue

57:22

to prove babble is better One

57:25

study found that using babble for 15

57:27

hours is equivalent to a full semester

57:29

at college I believe that I

57:31

went to college and I didn't learn Babble

57:34

has over 60 million subscriptions sold

57:37

Here's a special deal for our listeners

57:39

right now get up to 60% off

57:41

your babble subscription But only

57:44

for our listeners at

57:46

babble.com/Theo That's

57:48

right. Get up to 60% off at babble.com slash

57:53

Theo that's B A

57:55

B B E L Com

57:57

slash Theo rules and restrictions may

57:59

apply You know we

58:01

got sued by Clyde the hitchhiker no,

58:04

Kai the hitchhiker he

58:06

came at us with all he had he sent

58:09

us probably 11 letters in the mail and

58:11

different types of charts all type

58:13

of things and he kept

58:16

suing us and we kept beating

58:18

him and we used Morgan & Morgan that's

58:20

who did it. Thank you guys

58:23

at Morgan & Morgan they are

58:25

America's largest injury law firm

58:27

they have over 100 offices

58:29

nationwide and more than 800

58:31

lawyers with over 15

58:33

billion dollars recovered for over 300,000 clients

58:37

Morgan & Morgan has a

58:39

proven track record of fighting

58:41

to get you full and

58:43

fair compensation that's right Morgan

58:46

& Morgan have been fighting for the people

58:48

for over 35 years and they fought

58:50

for us if you're

58:52

ever injured have an injury

58:55

you can check out Morgan & Morgan their

58:57

fee is free unless they win for

59:00

more information go to forthepeople.com slash

59:04

this past weekend or

59:07

dial pound law pound 529

59:09

from your cell phone that's

59:11

F-O-R the people dot

59:14

com slash this past weekend

59:17

or dial pound law pound 529 from

59:19

your cell this is a paid advertisement.

59:23

So you

59:26

and Shane start the podcast you met in

59:28

Philly and Shane you and Shane start the

59:30

podcast in Philly or in Philly. And

59:33

then he at one point he went to New York because

59:35

I had I like got to the space where I was like I

59:38

like podcasting better than stand up because I was just

59:40

frustrated we're the same city all the time in Philadelphia

59:42

doing the same shows all the time and I like

59:44

either host or feature I think I was back then

59:47

I might have been featured I forget but it was

59:49

like the same thing I'd meet a headliner they'd be

59:51

miserable and I'm like is this is this

59:53

my fate like it's just like you just because a lot

59:55

of the headliners I met hosting were for real miserable yeah

59:58

like very sad very disgruntled and I'd be like or

1:00:00

whatever. So I got disillusioned with stand

1:00:02

up and I was like I just wanna do podcasting. And

1:00:04

then at one point I was like I wanna pursue psychology.

1:00:06

So when he went to New York, I

1:00:09

went back and got my masters in social work. Because I

1:00:11

did again, I was like dude. I think you dropped back

1:00:13

in and Ray got it. Yeah. And

1:00:16

this is the way my mind works. I was like I

1:00:18

wanna get back into psychology, what's the easiest way to do

1:00:20

it? To do like talk therapy. And I looked it up

1:00:22

in social work. If you get your masters and then work

1:00:24

under somebody you can get licensed and open your own practice.

1:00:26

Wow. So I went to school for

1:00:28

social work while Shane was kinda blowing up in New York.

1:00:30

And we're still doing the podcast. We're still doing it by

1:00:32

train or something every now and then? He would come to

1:00:34

Philly back then. Yeah, it was crazy.

1:00:36

And hard. It's insane because then eventually I

1:00:38

started driving in New York. But for a while he

1:00:41

was coming to Philly every week. I was just kinda like

1:00:43

okay cool. I didn't make that drive like that. So when

1:00:45

I started driving in New York I was like dude you

1:00:47

were doing this for two years. It's insane. He did it

1:00:49

for a long time? Did it for like a year or

1:00:52

two. No way. Yeah man, he's the man. That is a

1:00:54

hard thing. People don't understand that type of a commute. That's

1:00:56

insane commute. How far is that commute? Two

1:01:00

hours on a good day. And if

1:01:02

it gets traffic you're kind of like two hours, 30,

1:01:05

three. Yeah it

1:01:07

sucks. It's a hellish, and it's through the

1:01:09

worst parts of New Jersey. Like

1:01:11

heavy industrial, it stinks. Oh yeah dude.

1:01:13

It's awful. It's for real

1:01:15

an awful awful drive. Fuck

1:01:19

yeah. Yeah it's two hours

1:01:21

and 12. That's like normal. That

1:01:23

traffic up there near like the bridges and shit. And

1:01:25

then in New York I'm sure you know you're just

1:01:27

sitting fucking traffic. Yeah you're just

1:01:30

sitting there fucking furious, looking at

1:01:32

somebody else. And that

1:01:34

guy's crying. And

1:01:36

he calls you a fuck. The audacity

1:01:38

dude. And he audacity. It's crazy. To

1:01:41

call you a fuck is unbelievable. He must have

1:01:43

just laughed like alright man, whatever that guy's got

1:01:45

going on. Everybody nowadays just calls everybody a fuck.

1:01:48

It's like I feel like if you try to

1:01:50

do CPR, somebody's dying right? And they're like. Get

1:01:54

off me. They'd rather

1:01:56

die. They'll use their

1:01:58

last breath these days. Especially. in New Jersey,

1:02:00

somebody will use their last breath to call somebody

1:02:02

a f***. Oh yeah, it was heavy

1:02:05

dude. F*** was polite back then. That was like the

1:02:07

handkerchief around your neck being like f***

1:02:10

me. That's like kind of... Look at this beautiful

1:02:12

f***. But

1:02:15

no man, I did. I was in school

1:02:17

for social work and then it was funny

1:02:19

because I'm doing it and I was again

1:02:21

confronting the fact that I can't really be

1:02:23

a normal polite society because you drop into

1:02:25

a regular job type place

1:02:27

and you feel like an alien, especially the longer you

1:02:30

do stand up and other things. You just

1:02:32

feel out of place. I did it and I liked it. It was

1:02:34

cool. It was a cool experience. But it

1:02:36

was very... You know

1:02:38

like Jordan Peterson came out and was like the schools are out

1:02:40

of control. They're losing their... Dude, I also would

1:02:42

watch a lot of Jordan Peterson at the time and I was like

1:02:44

I'm kind of curious to see if that's real. So

1:02:46

when I went back to school I was like dude he

1:02:48

was totally... It was insane. Just how woke

1:02:50

they got in? Oh dude it was crazy. You'd

1:02:52

be in class and a lady for no reason

1:02:55

would just be like, we'd be talking about social

1:02:57

issues and she'd be like I would never

1:02:59

call the cops on a black guy ever. And I'd be sitting

1:03:01

there and I'm like I couldn't help it. I'd

1:03:03

be like ever? What if he was beating up a woman?

1:03:05

Why ever? It's crazy. So I would get in a

1:03:07

lot of those kind of arguments in school and

1:03:09

then... And I'll even text the cops. I'm even

1:03:11

meeting a black guy sometimes. What? I'll

1:03:13

text the cops. Cheers. But you know just so you

1:03:15

know. Yeah. FYI, meeting

1:03:18

a couple brothers, he'd chill, we'll update. I'll

1:03:20

keep you updated. Dude

1:03:24

it was crazy. I went there and they were just... You know it

1:03:26

was that kind of stuff. And I'm like alright keep your head down and

1:03:28

chill. But I couldn't help it. I kept like arguing with people in class.

1:03:30

It was kind of fun honestly. And then... Dude

1:03:32

they were like 24 year olds being like... Oh

1:03:34

this is what I think. And you'd be like

1:03:36

that's what you fucking... You could just smash them.

1:03:38

Yeah that's what you fucking think. I fucking love

1:03:41

that ice cream parlor. Yeah dude you don't know

1:03:43

shit about the world. You remember fucking

1:03:45

breaking your heart in somebody else's? But

1:03:49

no then I did that and Shane got the

1:03:51

SNL thing right at the tail end of my

1:03:53

schooling. And were you bummed about that or excited?

1:03:55

I was pumped. I've always been stoked like that.

1:03:57

But when he got the SNL... I

1:04:00

was like hell yeah, and he goes buckle up. They're going

1:04:02

through the podcast I was like I didn't

1:04:05

know what he was talking about. I'm like yeah, whatever it's not that bad

1:04:07

and then They that whole thing

1:04:09

blew up so I was like in school like

1:04:12

Because I would get mentioned in

1:04:14

bylines of like Podcasts with and nobody put it

1:04:16

together until very towards the very end a girl

1:04:18

my class Had read the article and was

1:04:20

like that's you and they try to kick

1:04:22

me out of school that guy hates Chinese people or

1:04:24

whatever Yeah, they're there and and all the proof is

1:04:27

you know I had been arguing against their you know

1:04:29

in my Idea you know it's kind of like a

1:04:31

little bit liberal value So I'd been like you guys

1:04:33

don't know shit about anything fuck that fuck that I'd

1:04:35

been arguing to flip side of their coin The entire

1:04:37

time so they saw that they're like bingo and

1:04:40

they try to kick me out, and we had a

1:04:42

smoking gun Yeah, they got me But it was like

1:04:44

and then I had a state it was honestly one

1:04:46

of my favorite experiences ever I had to go before

1:04:48

the board of the school and I got to do

1:04:50

one of those like trial by oh That's cool, man.

1:04:52

It's another adult suit. I've been looking forward to that.

1:04:54

It's like you're a suit No, I

1:04:56

just wore my regular clothes But it's like that court

1:04:58

fantasy where you get to like do your represent yourself

1:05:01

and close and your briefcase nothing in there So

1:05:04

I have to have that in waters in there to

1:05:07

Fiji's so I got to do that and

1:05:09

then uh No, and then it was just like I finished.

1:05:12

I you know cove it happened So like everything kind

1:05:14

of just chilled we finished the last month or so

1:05:16

online anyway, so it was like yeah That

1:05:18

was cool. Did you believe in cove it or not at the time no? I

1:05:21

didn't do I didn't my whole family didn't either like

1:05:23

my mom was like Let's

1:05:26

hang outside that one time and then after that she's

1:05:28

like come inside this is a bolt none of my

1:05:30

family got vaccinated Like none of my mom my uncles

1:05:32

nobody got it except for like anyone

1:05:35

who worked in the medical field I had

1:05:37

a buddy broken with CBS and got like

1:05:39

30 inoculations that he was addicted to Inoculations

1:05:43

or whatever did this motherfucker has

1:05:45

not He's

1:05:49

good he said oh, yeah, I was just sketched out

1:05:51

by the whole thing. I was like dude. It's new

1:05:53

I'm like I'm already I'm like a hydrate contract as

1:05:55

it is and I'm like I'm Way

1:05:57

less scared of viruses and like medical intervention I

1:05:59

Don't know. The only real that? yeah. But then

1:06:01

I'm like oh, people are really dying so

1:06:03

there must be something real. But then also

1:06:05

it's you Mike that they messed up and

1:06:07

killed a lot of people respirator that would

1:06:09

not die. Yeah, member hear about that. Yeah,

1:06:11

I got you. Get it. On. Oh

1:06:13

no. with by god or not I remember I

1:06:16

couldn't smell for about eleven months, but I really

1:06:18

know. But oh yeah, and I had antibodies when

1:06:20

I went to Rogan time we got tested a

1:06:22

had said animated almost had it. As

1:06:25

tight the A brother got at some point B I

1:06:27

got I got rocked but it was only for like.

1:06:30

Two. Days as a bad fever and I

1:06:32

coughed up like weird liquid, smooth like a

1:06:34

months and elsewhere. So. I

1:06:37

was pregnant at the time some like your wife is

1:06:39

pregnant pregnant so then there was kind of a medical

1:06:41

experiment. I say get it I I'm like oh no

1:06:43

the shit as we're all decide they want to see

1:06:46

I get to was get the fuck is antibodies and

1:06:48

is in new have I'm. Admit

1:06:50

you have a darker weiss yeah, pretty

1:06:52

much yeah to take delay that a

1:06:54

specific set is assessed of. Yeah, Some

1:06:57

beautiful lady, very charming. Bridget,

1:07:00

his attorney. British. Written.

1:07:03

Media. Britney is that are

1:07:05

name yet? Assisted. Ah,

1:07:09

year was that did that ended. the

1:07:11

i just grew up in Philly. leads

1:07:14

you to that you thanks dude. I'm

1:07:16

an asshole Equity broad time since I

1:07:18

was a little kid is almost. There's

1:07:20

my only theory. Is. Is

1:07:22

A in grade school. I like dated a Mexican

1:07:24

lady. I did it everybody did it. You know

1:07:26

why? Ladies area. But. There was

1:07:28

definitely be know. That. Was something

1:07:30

I was drawn to were black women remembered.

1:07:32

My only serious: my mom was sick. Super

1:07:34

Christian still is. Super. Catholic so she

1:07:37

blocked like Mtv V H one all the

1:07:39

music channels except for be to he didn't

1:07:41

know it existed. So. that

1:07:43

was the only music channel had grown

1:07:45

ups hasn't made my formative years i

1:07:47

just watched rap video as a rap

1:07:49

video on a i think it might

1:07:51

have had some sort exact yeah so

1:07:53

as well we had a have mom

1:07:55

money specific ah that's that yeah why

1:07:57

that's so interesting dude year do our

1:08:00

I made love to a woman who was

1:08:02

pretty much black right and Yeah,

1:08:06

it was definitely There

1:08:09

was like more in the um Muscle

1:08:12

or something. I don't know it's yeah, you felt you were

1:08:14

impressed by the experience. What do you say pretty much? She

1:08:16

was like what do you she said she was

1:08:18

black. I believed her You

1:08:22

know, I'm not Yeah,

1:08:27

no, I'm bracing was like blue, you

1:08:29

know Yeah,

1:08:31

I just you know it for me I they

1:08:33

definitely won out for me as well They won my heart collectively.

1:08:35

They won my heart. Yeah, I just I don't

1:08:38

know what it was man It was just like

1:08:40

yeah, you like what you like. Yeah. Oh, yeah

1:08:42

I think I was afraid probably a black girl

1:08:44

was growing up They had a lot of the

1:08:46

black girls in our town and stuff would get

1:08:48

knocked up by the black eyes at a young

1:08:50

age Yeah, so all of our black girls disappeared

1:08:52

at around 13 years old and got pregnant Yeah,

1:08:55

and they're back in their day and then they

1:08:57

come back and they're just different or they just

1:09:01

Yeah, they have a child now or they

1:09:03

have like baby milk on their shoulder or

1:09:05

whatever And

1:09:08

also I think they had to defend themselves against

1:09:10

like a like black like dudes in their town

1:09:12

or whatever that were like Trying to you know

1:09:14

get with them when they were young. Yeah, so

1:09:16

I think they were more into the whole like

1:09:19

Communicating with guys nature. So I think like a

1:09:21

lot of times they would Like

1:09:25

they were just more advanced like the black

1:09:27

kids in our school were more sexually advanced

1:09:29

They just had sex earlier and stuff. Yeah,

1:09:31

that was intimidating The black

1:09:33

girls were intimidating because they had more experience. Yeah,

1:09:35

it's funny So much as you talk to a

1:09:37

black guy's like I got head when I was

1:09:39

10 and you're like what? You

1:09:51

hear that a lot you're not wrong, sorry, yeah It

1:09:54

is crazy when you're bro if

1:09:56

somebody put my brain or okay that

1:09:59

God made for me that I kept in my

1:10:01

pants for him if somebody put

1:10:03

that in their mouth and I was 10 years

1:10:05

old dude oh my god

1:10:07

I would have over I would

1:10:09

have lit a fire in our yard and made smoke

1:10:12

signal it's over god it's over I would I don't

1:10:14

know how it's crazy

1:10:18

I would have hit him with a wrench or

1:10:21

something I just that would have scared me so

1:10:23

much so that's what so but yeah

1:10:25

so that was kind of crazy sorry at the end of us been

1:10:27

on you're not but I know you yeah that was good yeah that

1:10:31

yeah that that that kind of stuff's

1:10:33

pretty crazy and then I know I

1:10:36

get the intimidation factor I do get

1:10:38

but I always uh whenever

1:10:40

I like will see people and I always just assume I

1:10:42

always see like softer sides of it's something I've had my

1:10:44

whole life for all that I can see like kind of

1:10:46

like I don't know I always

1:10:48

can see people softer nature because people present one

1:10:50

way then you're like with them oh yeah like

1:10:52

it's totally different thing oh I would marry a

1:10:55

black lady I believe or semi black or whatever

1:10:57

for sure all black I mean there's so many

1:10:59

I mean I've long been of the belief that

1:11:02

we're gonna it's a

1:11:04

beige future right in four

1:11:06

generations everybody's gonna be beige yeah

1:11:09

everybody that's still alive whatever we're

1:11:11

all gonna be beige bitcoins yeah

1:11:15

that will have no sense of faith or

1:11:17

hope anymore but that's where we'll be true

1:11:19

at least we'll be able to context each

1:11:21

other online so I think

1:11:24

I think we might be in for like

1:11:26

a massive spiritual awakening though it's coming well

1:11:28

I'm there's a rumbling I can detect rumblings

1:11:30

I like that attitude man um there

1:11:32

was one thing I was gonna say uh what were

1:11:35

we just talking about being married

1:11:39

having a black

1:11:41

wife oh yeah I

1:11:45

would date a black woman I would marry a black woman

1:11:47

I would

1:11:49

date a black woman did I'll probably maybe marry a

1:11:51

black woman you know like I don't I think when

1:11:54

I was a kid I thought that that wasn't a

1:11:56

real possibility or anything makes sense but as an adult

1:11:58

I see that oh that's a possibility Like I

1:12:00

think also just from where I was from they didn't

1:12:02

have like a lot of interracial dating at the time

1:12:04

You know it was it was even like you know

1:12:06

I lived in like this I lived in the Philadelphia

1:12:08

suburb So it was like very very very white where

1:12:10

I was growing up, but like even

1:12:13

in college Some

1:12:15

of my friends will come up to me and be like that's crazy They

1:12:18

like couldn't wrap their head around it and it wasn't like

1:12:20

a hateful thing. They're just like it was a mind-blower They'd

1:12:22

be like Brooke. It's it's crazy the funny

1:12:24

thing to me though is like black dudes were always

1:12:26

like hey Man, you scared the data black chick, and

1:12:28

I'm like you're aren't dating a black But

1:12:35

the first thing they say though you scared of some

1:12:37

of that black chick they get hyped on you when

1:12:39

they see you with A black chick they'll get hyped

1:12:41

and then sometimes they'll be like you're an easy target

1:12:43

I can kind of like I'll fuck

1:12:45

with you or they'll do like a hard check

1:12:47

out on your baby You have to just go

1:12:49

nuts you got you got to get white boy

1:12:51

crazy Yeah So they do like a damn you

1:12:53

have to do what you're fucking pretty bad because

1:12:55

you can't you can't tolerate that So

1:12:58

yeah, I've gone white boy crazy a couple times. Yeah, you're like

1:13:00

I'm over here doing your job Well

1:13:03

dude apparently black women and Asian men are the Like

1:13:06

Asian women tend to date outside the race a

1:13:08

lot black men date outside the race a lot

1:13:10

But black women and Asian men tend to not

1:13:12

date outside the race a lot So like the

1:13:14

yin and yang twins or whatever what do you

1:13:16

say? No, they're just a black and

1:13:18

Asian do not date Well black men

1:13:20

will date outside the race where traditionally black women

1:13:22

tend to not date outside. Oh, wow So it's

1:13:24

just that's an Asian women date white guys a

1:13:26

lot a lot of Asian men don't date outside of

1:13:28

the race So it kind of like mucks you up in the

1:13:30

dating pool. Yeah, so but yeah, I think

1:13:33

black women are coming around though but yeah, they were they

1:13:35

were fiercely loyal it's

1:13:37

still you get a little people were You

1:13:39

know it does some people

1:13:41

don't like it Obviously, you know you get people are like

1:13:44

big into like black love or they're like it's not the

1:13:46

same and I'm like whatever man Yes,

1:13:48

yeah, but yeah, it's not your fault Exactly

1:13:50

it. I don't I don't feel any kind of way about

1:13:52

it, but it's just like you know celebrate that if you

1:13:54

want Yeah, you know, but it's like dude.

1:13:56

I remember the first time I like even like I was working

1:13:58

out with a buddy amount of and he like touched

1:14:01

my hand, he was helping me spot me or

1:14:03

something, and I was like, damn, I'd never even

1:14:05

touched a black dude's hand or nothing. They have

1:14:07

beautiful nails too. Dude, there's like

1:14:09

a level of like black coolness

1:14:11

where you grow one pinky nail long so you

1:14:13

can crack a blunt with your long pinky nail. It's

1:14:16

pretty simple. Wow. Yeah, it was like an evolution of

1:14:18

the Coke nail. But you can kinda

1:14:20

just. Oh, that's cool. Yeah, you can just crack a blunt

1:14:22

with a long pinky nail. Oh, being blunt definitely, there's a

1:14:24

lot of parts that seem super fun about it, and then

1:14:26

there's some parts and I'm kinda like, man, that part, that

1:14:28

is not for me. It's

1:14:30

definitely, I think it's easier than

1:14:33

a black dude dating a white chick. Cause

1:14:35

everyone's just kinda like, you know, people are just, people

1:14:38

just kinda like, like first when you first meet him, will

1:14:40

like kinda giggle and be like, oh, you like black girl,

1:14:42

you know, shit like that, and like kinda dab you up

1:14:44

and you're like, whereas like, I feel like the black, maybe

1:14:47

it's different now, but back in the day, like being a

1:14:49

black dude at like a white family party, there was definitely

1:14:51

some uncles hitting you with like icicles in

1:14:53

the eyes just glaring at you. What you doing over

1:14:56

there, right? My one friend was a black dude, he

1:14:58

was dating a white chick and he said like, her

1:15:00

brother would ask him like weird shit

1:15:02

being like, what do you think, you would get drunk and be like,

1:15:05

what are you, like we should, he was a wrestler,

1:15:07

and he'd be like, what's wrestling right now? He'd be

1:15:09

like, bro, chill, man, like we don't have to do

1:15:11

this. Yeah. Yeah, it was so. The

1:15:13

dudes are gay probably, but. I think black dudes aren't

1:15:15

threatened by white dudes as much as white dudes might

1:15:17

be threatened by black guys. Well yeah, because they don't

1:15:19

have to be, because they can always beat up white

1:15:22

dudes. Yeah, bigger dicks. Statistically, bigger dicks can beat you

1:15:24

up. Some of that's a rumor, first of all, I've

1:15:26

heard, but yeah, a lot of the ones on the

1:15:28

internet, yes. They've

1:15:31

done condom sizing studies, and like it's not

1:15:33

as much of a difference as you think,

1:15:35

but there's a difference. Dude, the last thing I

1:15:37

wanna have is some big old long dick bothering

1:15:39

me all day, dude. I hear you on that.

1:15:41

Yeah. I'm high and tight, I'm ready for action.

1:15:44

I'm ready for action at all times. Yeah. I'm

1:15:47

ready for action at all times. Oh, I'm like,

1:15:49

I got that John Stockton homie, dude. I

1:15:51

was like, I'll help you out,

1:15:53

bro. I'll try to assist you in whatever

1:15:55

your head is. I'm

1:15:58

here, dude. I'm ready to run. In

1:16:00

sport mode, we're just gonna ask about yeah,

1:16:02

there's a lot. There's definitely some white comics

1:16:04

married to black women I think TJ Miller

1:16:06

I believe Gary

1:16:09

Owens Gary Owens yeah Who

1:16:13

else is no Bill Burr bill yeah, Bill

1:16:16

Burr Bill Maher Bill Mars, they're very directly.

1:16:18

Oh, he loves It's

1:16:22

crazy he loves That

1:16:25

was a head-to-head those a black wife head-to-head Bill

1:16:27

Maher and Bill Burr They were both dressed pretty

1:16:29

good, too They both were black wife affected and

1:16:31

they got they argued over like it was Israel

1:16:33

and Palestine, but they did yeah Yeah, there's like

1:16:35

a fucking viral clip really yeah, they fear it.

1:16:37

They fucking thought it's kind of funny Let's hear

1:16:39

it no burn ruthless. What is black wife affected?

1:16:41

Let me get that and then let's watch Oh,

1:16:43

okay, Nick just when you start dressing better cuz

1:16:45

your wife's black And they really don't tolerate like

1:16:47

if you're not dressed well like though. I fought

1:16:49

along I'm I hold it down. You know I

1:16:52

still wear kind of like bummy stuff, but they'll they'll

1:16:54

wear on you Yeah, black people like

1:16:56

to look nice. Yeah, it's important It's very important and

1:16:58

like you in at weddings is the opposite like you

1:17:00

have to dance you don't dance it away People like

1:17:03

what the fuck's your problem really my wedding you sit

1:17:05

in a chair the whole time Oh, yeah a lot

1:17:07

of pressure to dance you can gamble on your phone

1:17:09

even you do whatever you want Yeah, you're like I

1:17:11

object you know But you're

1:17:13

just so gay sister. Whatever you can't help but

1:17:16

yell it Look at

1:17:18

these guys. Let's see what happens

1:17:20

here. I mean dude Demonstrating

1:17:22

for Hamas they are

1:17:25

in with the terrorists. They were for the

1:17:27

Palestinians Well, it's sort of

1:17:29

the same cause Why

1:17:33

are you I'm

1:17:35

on the side of the kids. Yeah, that's

1:17:37

easy to say you know no one wants to

1:17:40

see kids dead This

1:17:42

is a war very brave you to say this Is

1:17:44

a war no, I'm gonna be on this Hat

1:17:48

yourself on the back easy to say

1:17:50

I'm for the kids who's not to

1:17:52

the kids Well, I don't know down

1:17:55

to real hard-nosed decisions like I'm talking

1:17:57

like you're a general country got attacked

1:18:00

Israel got attacked. I'm not saying that they didn't have a

1:18:02

right to go back I'm just sitting there going like how

1:18:04

do I look at the way the only country in the

1:18:06

world that they get attacked and then as Soon as they

1:18:08

counter attack, it's like well, we got to stop this shit

1:18:10

now Don't attack them is a

1:18:12

very simple solution to all this problem in

1:18:14

the Middle East stop attacking Israel In

1:18:18

Israel, I actually know that's fantastic.

1:18:20

Anyway, all right You

1:18:24

crank how do you solve that one bill? Let

1:18:28

me hear your hard-nosed decision. Well, I think someone

1:18:30

has bullshit because I think some of the people

1:18:32

they are I Don't

1:18:34

know. It feels like they had to elect the

1:18:37

Hamas because they don't have any other choice Yeah,

1:18:40

true, but I guess you always have a choice in

1:18:42

who you elect I don't like

1:18:44

also, I don't think you can go against I

1:18:46

don't think you can you vocally oppose Hamas in

1:18:48

Palestine? That's a good question might

1:18:50

be kind of risky. I don't know That's the thing the worst

1:18:53

part is this will be on some Historical

1:18:55

record and we don't know how to play out we

1:18:57

could be like basically on either side

1:18:59

promoting the Nazis and you know I'm saying

1:19:01

right. Yeah, you don't know the long play of

1:19:04

it, you know, but to me It's like if

1:19:06

somebody says free a place that's the place that

1:19:08

needs to be freed usually. Yeah I'm saying you

1:19:10

don't hear free Israel. I've said this before you

1:19:13

don't hear free, Kentucky. You don't hear free America

1:19:16

you're starting you're kind of hearing a little but

1:19:19

you don't hear you know You're

1:19:21

your right Cuba your free Palestine if

1:19:23

that's the chance It's like that's usually

1:19:25

the place that needs to be free.

1:19:28

Yeah, that's a fair point That's a that's that's a

1:19:30

tough one to be like well, hold on a second. What

1:19:32

are they up to? Yeah, if he feels bad Right.

1:19:35

You like what do they do? I don't know.

1:19:37

My heart just tells me and I don't know my heart's

1:19:39

I'm reharted but

1:19:41

um My heart

1:19:43

just tells me that it's just

1:19:46

unfair That's what it feels like to

1:19:48

me But then I don't know a lot about I got

1:19:50

to get some people on that no more I mean, you

1:19:52

know, I think the war is totally unfair. They're getting they're

1:19:54

totally unmatched I mean they're dude imagine if you're fighting somebody

1:19:56

then someone gave you 90 billion dollars

1:19:59

You're hurt crush them so yeah

1:20:01

yeah I don't know why we're funding that I know that's

1:20:03

my one point of contention where it's like but then they'll

1:20:06

go well we need them there because they helped stabilize the

1:20:08

region blah blah blah blah but it's like dude 90

1:20:11

bill it's fucked up they're fine they're

1:20:13

good yeah they're they're set up but again

1:20:15

it's like yeah I don't fucking know but

1:20:17

they that's the one thing that disheartened me

1:20:19

because they passed a new bills like 90

1:20:21

billion dollars they keep getting well they're using

1:20:23

Biden as a fucking human merry-go-round or whatever

1:20:25

yeah that dude's over there like my son

1:20:27

my son was a four-star general

1:20:32

out of our bees

1:20:34

you know and yeah black guy at

1:20:37

the swimming pool my son

1:20:40

you know what the fuck is

1:20:42

even talking about dude he sounds

1:20:44

like outtakes from a fucking Larry David

1:20:46

we're talking about it yesterday on

1:20:48

our podcast

1:20:51

where he's a RFK junior

1:20:53

was like dude I don't I forget the time span

1:20:55

but if there's a nuclear threat in the middle of

1:20:57

the night they got to wake Joe Biden up and

1:21:00

he's got like maybe 30 seconds to make a call

1:21:03

how fucked up is that terrifying

1:21:05

is that he's gonna

1:21:07

walk down a hallway like what's going on

1:21:09

from sleep and be like this

1:21:12

is what we're doing oh my I

1:21:14

hope that's not the case there has to be people in the

1:21:16

White House being like bro chill will

1:21:18

do it relax there's no way

1:21:21

that guy's making a decision there's no way

1:21:23

that guy is doing anything imagine him trying

1:21:25

to eat this what I imagine a lot

1:21:27

of him trying to eat a piece of

1:21:30

craft singles cheese there should be

1:21:33

footage of that I did prove

1:21:35

it we'll open one of those

1:21:37

yeah that's the limit that if

1:21:39

you can't successfully open

1:21:41

and swallow a craft

1:21:44

single you can't you're

1:21:46

fucking out of here my guy yeah

1:21:48

no nuclear codes at all yeah you're out

1:21:50

of here and everybody's always like the nuclear

1:21:53

codes the nuclear codes are the algorithms of

1:21:55

the internet those are the fucking nuclear codes

1:21:57

that are killing our our

1:21:59

humane In our being it feels like

1:22:01

yeah, um, yeah, it's pretty bad.

1:22:03

Do you guys have children? Yeah,

1:22:06

we have kids. Okay little kids to your father is this uh,

1:22:08

I thought I was getting lumped in with Biden I was like,

1:22:10

yeah, we got I think we know sorry. Yeah. No, no. Yeah.

1:22:12

I'm a father have two daughters two little kids One

1:22:15

will be two in a couple weeks and a four-year-old Yeah,

1:22:19

that's it's the best it is Yeah,

1:22:21

it's very very taxing and it's uh, but it really

1:22:23

is the best It really you hear a lot of

1:22:25

guys when they have kids they get all like crazy

1:22:27

They're like dude if there was a button right now

1:22:29

that I had a hit to kill myself or her

1:22:31

I'd fucking hit it and kill myself. Yeah, you don't

1:22:34

have to go that hard. Yeah, dude, that's chill out,

1:22:36

dude You're a manager first of all at a Jimmy

1:22:38

John. Yeah Well, that's

1:22:40

your family right there. Yes. Oh dang

1:22:42

those girls are cute, huh? The cuties

1:22:44

man. That's so cool But yeah, so

1:22:47

when you're when you're a dad or

1:22:49

your parent, I guess in general It's like you live

1:22:51

your whole life for yourself before you have kids. You're

1:22:53

just you know, every single person is just narcissistically self-obsessed

1:22:55

It's just the way we are. Yeah, I am everybody

1:22:57

know every single person is and people like I'm not

1:22:59

it's like Yes, you are. Oh, so it's something you

1:23:02

don't even realize till you have a child. You mean

1:23:04

well It's it's like I

1:23:06

think so Hopefully you realize you don't realize it I can be

1:23:08

tough it can be tough But it's like and

1:23:10

it's not the like it's not a put down or

1:23:13

slam It's like as an organism we have to be

1:23:15

primarily obsessed with ourselves Oh, it'd be really weird if

1:23:17

I was taking care of some kids that weren't mine

1:23:19

That's what I'm saying Like it just just as a

1:23:21

person like if there's a dangerous situation our bodies are

1:23:23

designed to preserve ourselves and advance our own interests It's

1:23:25

just wow. It's a law of nature. So then when

1:23:27

you have a kid You

1:23:29

start that drive gets frustrated over and over and

1:23:31

over on a daily basis and you either like

1:23:33

come to grips with that and like Reorient

1:23:36

yourself around stuff outside of yourself or

1:23:39

I think it just explodes your brain.

1:23:41

You just completely fail. Hmm Yeah,

1:23:43

pretty tough. It's a pretty tough job, but

1:23:45

it's it's the best dude waking up every

1:23:48

morning become every morning Now is like it's the same thing over

1:23:50

and over like the kids wake up you get them breakfast and

1:23:52

it for me It put me on like a nice schedule because

1:23:54

I was just kind of floating around So

1:23:57

damn, it's cool. Did you plan on?

1:24:01

Having a baby or was it a surprise? Yeah, we

1:24:03

were like both like fuck it. Let's have a kid

1:24:05

It wasn't like super planned out, but we were like

1:24:08

We weren't trying not to and then she got pregnant.

1:24:10

I was like, oh shit. Fuck it. It's just like

1:24:13

and at the Do

1:24:16

you yeah, does it feel like you have mixed kids you

1:24:18

still give just have children? It's really have kids You don't

1:24:20

really we don't really like because then when you have kids

1:24:22

you get kids books So you get like different kids books

1:24:24

now. There's been a lot of like Political

1:24:27

and racial ideology that's been pumped into kids books. I'm not

1:24:29

all of us bad Some of it's like, you know, love

1:24:31

your hair shit like that, right? Then you get like some

1:24:33

political stuff So like I've

1:24:36

been kind of like I'll like screen out some of the

1:24:38

books if they're like too political I'll just like show them

1:24:40

pictures like I look at this lady. Yeah, like Horton. Here's

1:24:42

a Harriet Tubman or whatever Yeah,

1:24:44

this feels a little it's like yeah

1:24:46

anything that's like overtly Super

1:24:49

political. I'm just like, you know, I'm like, I'm not I'll

1:24:51

just like point to the pictures and make up a story

1:24:54

It's like say they're they're little kids. You don't have

1:24:56

to like yeah, you just saw I don't like I'm

1:24:58

not like against people knowing that Stuff it's just like

1:25:00

dude. This kid's trying to figure out like

1:25:03

squares and circles They don't need to

1:25:05

like comprehend like right systemic inequalities yet.

1:25:07

They can get that that'll be later

1:25:09

Right, it's just it's anti-racist baby. That

1:25:12

book is crazy feminist baby. Yeah, maybe

1:25:14

he's kind of crazy, too Baby

1:25:17

is a pretty crazy. Yeah. Oh, yeah, it's

1:25:19

feminist dude. It's a baby, dude. We

1:25:21

can't even make it Yeah, babies are

1:25:23

initially obsessed with the mother to they have

1:25:25

to be broke the survival It's a survival

1:25:27

some gay baby came over trying to slurp

1:25:29

on my chest it up fucking Put

1:25:32

him to bed early. I Would

1:25:35

put that fucking fat Mac nugget to bed

1:25:39

The crazy thing about being a baby you

1:25:41

can be as fat as you want and

1:25:44

people fucking love you, dude It's almost like

1:25:46

the Yokozuna in Japan. You know yeah true.

1:25:48

That's actually that's a fair point Actually

1:25:50

people love fat babies man, which is babies

1:25:53

women squeeze their cheeks and like Yeah,

1:25:56

they're crazy too because when you have a kid they like the

1:25:58

smell of their baby poop. I've heard this from Multiple women

1:26:01

like it smells like buttered popcorn dude.

1:26:03

It's so gross. Oh, it's disgusting But

1:26:06

no having kids is cool, man It's it's like it

1:26:08

definitely for me at least it kind of rocked me

1:26:10

to the foundation on one level But

1:26:12

then you're still your normal self But you're just hyper aware cuz

1:26:14

like I used to have an anger problem like I would fucking

1:26:16

break glass really Oh, I was so bad. What do you think

1:26:18

it was from I have an anger problem We have an anger

1:26:21

guy coming on in a couple weeks. Are you really? I don't

1:26:24

do that. I don't know I mean I can

1:26:26

go into depth. I think I

1:26:28

could venture a guess that was like sometimes

1:26:30

in households There's like certain emotions aren't

1:26:32

on display and anger can certainly become

1:26:34

a primary emotion if you're like in

1:26:37

a household where people aren't exactly Talking and

1:26:39

sharing feelings everything gets bottled up so then

1:26:41

every feeling it's channeled into anger eventually So

1:26:43

just becomes like you just becomes natural to

1:26:45

you just a fucking spaz So

1:26:47

I was just a spaz I don't know I come from a long line

1:26:49

of Irish spaz is so I would just like Especially

1:26:52

like you know in the early stages of

1:26:54

our relationship you get into those like those arguments where you're

1:26:56

just like I don't you get so disoriented because you're like,

1:26:58

I don't know if I'm right I don't know if I'm

1:27:00

wrong right you just start to spaz and I would be

1:27:02

doing the dishes and just be like Like

1:27:05

smash a glass But then like yeah

1:27:07

once you have to like that kind of shit has to

1:27:09

stop once you have kids or you can just keep Going

1:27:11

and terrify them. Mmm. So you got to like, you know,

1:27:13

I'd have to like really I had a rain that in

1:27:15

I Just

1:27:18

be so scary dude, it's so good as I can

1:27:20

remember as a kid like seeing your parents yell was

1:27:22

like fuck dude Just for shitty

1:27:24

my dad. Yeah was like he was so old. He's

1:27:26

probably when I finally could get a good look at

1:27:28

him It's probably about 76 damn and

1:27:30

he would He

1:27:34

would drink sometimes and he would like

1:27:36

put his park his car like

1:27:38

in the ditch outside of our house Yeah Not

1:27:41

a good look when you see that car in the ditch. You're

1:27:43

like we thought it was so funny, dude And

1:27:46

dude one time our aunt came to visit and she was like

1:27:48

91 years old, dude It

1:27:51

was my dad's history. It's never even seen Fucking

1:27:54

over you just rolled up. Yeah,

1:27:56

she came to visit. I think she was 90 or 91 And

1:28:00

we were just like, what is going

1:28:02

on? That's wild. She couldn't even talk

1:28:04

to us. Damn, so how old

1:28:06

was your dad when he had you? He was 70. He

1:28:09

was an older guy. But it was just so

1:28:11

bizarre. She couldn't even talk to us. But she

1:28:13

painted us some pictures, I remember. That's kind of

1:28:15

cool. It was really nice of her. She painted

1:28:17

like wildflowers from, I think, Mississippi or something. That's

1:28:19

pretty, that's nice. Yeah, it was very sweet of

1:28:22

her. Well yeah, to answer your question,

1:28:24

that was kind of it. You get kind of like,

1:28:26

if you see spazzing, you're like, yeah, this is just

1:28:28

how I handle stuff. And then you just start spazzing.

1:28:30

And then like, you know, if you don't learn how to logically

1:28:33

process whatever that surge of emotion is, it's just

1:28:35

like, I'm going to fucking spazz. I'm still guilty

1:28:37

of it. I'll kick,

1:28:39

if we have like an empty paper bag, I'll fucking,

1:28:41

everyone leaves. I'll just kick that bit. Kick it as

1:28:44

hard as I fucking can. I'll kick that motherfucker too.

1:28:47

I also stopped talking, I was talking to my dogs real mean

1:28:49

too. I walked my dogs and they

1:28:51

yanked my arm. I'd be like, you motherfucker, knock it off. And I

1:28:53

had to like, chill with that. I can't

1:28:55

do that. But yeah, I was just, you know. Hazing, huh?

1:28:58

Well, dude, your shoulder yanked. It's like, my dogs are like

1:29:00

60 pounds. Yeah, and that was good. One of them yanks

1:29:02

your shoulder and you're not expecting it. It

1:29:04

is the most infuriating thing. But then if someone sees you doing

1:29:07

that, they're like, this guy. Because in my house, it was like,

1:29:09

it was all, you could hit dogs in my house. It was

1:29:11

like, just, that's where we were at.

1:29:13

Oh yeah, Philly, Vic. Vic got beat. That's Michael

1:29:15

Vic country. Yeah, kids, you're bad, you got hit.

1:29:17

The dog was bad. Of course the dog got

1:29:19

hit too. So I like, thought it was normal to hit dogs. I

1:29:22

learned that it's not. Dude, dogs used

1:29:24

to patrol our neighborhood, attack kids, attack

1:29:26

people. Really? Male

1:29:28

people, G-A-Y's,

1:29:32

everybody, dude. They would bite everybody,

1:29:34

dude. Let's watch

1:29:36

the rest of that birthing. Do we watch that part? I

1:29:39

want to see what he said, or just see what he said.

1:29:41

I want to see what he said. A simple solution

1:29:43

to all this problem in the Middle East. Stop attacking

1:29:45

Israel. Hey, you just solved it. Stop

1:29:47

attacking Israel. You just solved it. I actually did. That's

1:29:50

fantastic. Anyway. All right.

1:29:52

Let's go to Russia and the Ukraine. How do

1:29:54

you solve that one, Bill? Let

1:29:57

me hear your hard-nosed decision about that. Well, let

1:29:59

me ask you a question. question how is war

1:30:01

still legal? All the shit that's been

1:30:04

canceled legal. Why is that still fucking legal? Would

1:30:06

you like a real answer to that? For something

1:30:08

to be illegal

1:30:10

you have to have the capacity to

1:30:12

enforce it and you

1:30:15

can't enforce against war or else

1:30:17

you have to go to war with the country that's

1:30:19

going to war and we don't want to go to

1:30:21

war with Russia over Ukraine. What would

1:30:23

be the sense of making it illegal?

1:30:25

That's really gonna stop Putin. No, to

1:30:27

stop people from going to war you

1:30:29

have to also put sit down and

1:30:31

talk it out. Why can't Putin

1:30:34

do a podcast with the head guy? Like

1:30:37

you just solved the Middle East on

1:30:39

a podcast. Why can't they solve what

1:30:41

they're doing on a podcast? This is

1:30:43

why this is not Europe. Make some

1:30:45

hard noise. That's what you mean. It

1:30:47

isn't your thing. You're like that guy

1:30:49

that has a fantasy football theme and

1:30:51

thinks he's a fucking GM. That's

1:30:55

exactly what it is. Like why am I fucking

1:30:57

listening to you like you like you've done something?

1:31:00

That's hilarious. Yeah, Bill Marzine done shit dude. He

1:31:03

was super woke and then he panned and when

1:31:05

he realized his audience was leaving he definitely got

1:31:07

more centered. Do you think that's what it was?

1:31:09

I certainly think that. It was a financial thing.

1:31:11

Yeah. That he got way more centered because I

1:31:13

started seeing like he was like every all these

1:31:15

idiots are wrong you're taking horse medicine or whatever.

1:31:17

Yeah. And then you've certainly seen him come back

1:31:19

over to the other side. He flipped big time.

1:31:21

I mean I was delighted to see him flip

1:31:23

like that but I get what you're saying. If

1:31:26

you start getting enough hate now you can just

1:31:28

like measure it in real time. You see it

1:31:30

and you're like oh fuck these guys. Dude if you go on

1:31:32

YouTube almost every

1:31:34

comment is like fuck this. Some

1:31:37

gradient of like you know whether Trump or

1:31:39

like almost 80% of comments like Trump rules

1:31:41

it's like mostly some reason like

1:31:43

conservative people commenting. I don't know if it's like bots

1:31:45

or what. Yeah. It's like if you were to watch

1:31:48

that clip actually I think I did read that a

1:31:50

lot of people were slamming Marr being like what a

1:31:52

smug fucking bloa. Yeah I guess my mom never liked

1:31:54

him and she never really said anything to me but

1:31:56

I remember saying that my mom doesn't like Bill Maher

1:31:59

at all. Yeah, he

1:32:01

doesn't seem respectful to women. That's what I remember she said

1:32:03

to me. That's fair I think that's fair for her

1:32:06

to say especially back in that you know. Yeah, I don't

1:32:08

know. I've never met him You know I just know I

1:32:10

haven't either. I'm just joking, but no I I just know

1:32:12

he did flip-flop hard I remember

1:32:14

just being I was delighted. I was like yes

1:32:17

Yeah, it was funny. Yeah, cuz you needed

1:32:19

somehow every host was all Like

1:32:22

really it seemed like not They

1:32:25

just all had the same exact plan It was

1:32:27

like remember when they played that video that was

1:32:29

crazy when it was talking at once Yeah, talking

1:32:31

about every channel talking about the same thing it

1:32:34

was like yeah at a certain point You can't

1:32:36

think we all think we just live in some

1:32:38

like people are gonna notice Yeah,

1:32:41

right, and it almost seems like we're so dumb. We

1:32:43

didn't know it's fucked up man that like for that

1:32:45

bugged me out And is this a real video? It's

1:32:47

a real thing. I think so. I mean that'd be crazy

1:32:49

to fake that Fox

1:32:52

and Antonio's Jessica Headley Treasure

1:32:57

Valley communities the El Paso Las

1:33:00

Cruces communities Eastern Iowa communities mid-Michigan

1:33:02

communities We are extremely proud of

1:33:05

the quality balanced journalism that CBS 4

1:33:07

news produces, but Pledging

1:33:15

our country the sharing of biased and

1:33:17

false news has become all too common

1:33:19

on social media More alarming

1:33:21

some media outlets publish the same fake

1:33:23

stories without checking facts first the sharing

1:33:26

of biased and false news has become all too common on social media I

1:33:31

mean They

1:33:34

definitely have a script people are writing scripts. Well.

1:33:36

It's just they're all owned by the same three

1:33:38

or four companies now it's like it's like It's

1:33:42

the same reason why it's everything's

1:33:44

just kind of the same. It's like It's

1:33:47

all Panera bread. It's just the same Seven

1:33:49

companies own everything of course So

1:33:52

when people are finally like you can't just expect

1:33:54

that people don't have some thing inside

1:33:56

of them that detects what?

1:34:00

When something is inauthentic I think and

1:34:02

that's the last piece you probably to

1:34:04

go is that part of you that

1:34:07

Yeah, well, I think the I think people underestimate the

1:34:09

vast majority of people and it's like a tough thing

1:34:11

to think about Just really don't think

1:34:13

for themselves that much. Yeah, it's I think it's

1:34:15

true And then it's like, you know, you can

1:34:18

really just kind of pump a message out It'll

1:34:20

I agree it'll land with a huge majority of

1:34:22

people. They may have figured this out I think

1:34:24

it was Bernays was it was like Freud's nephew

1:34:26

did that whole book propaganda? They like study this

1:34:28

like dude, you can convince people of anything Freud's

1:34:30

nephew must been balling too because yeah Yeah, he's

1:34:32

like my uncle's fucking Freud. He must have been

1:34:34

yeah smashing Apparently he convinced

1:34:37

women to smoke cigarettes women didn't smoke

1:34:39

cigarettes until There was a

1:34:41

company that was like we got to drive up our sales

1:34:43

and he like he's like I got it And he just

1:34:45

had like a famous actress smoke a cigarette at a parade

1:34:47

and cigarette sales women just fucking spiked Crazy,

1:34:51

that is crazy, dude. I wish I wouldn't smoke Yeah,

1:34:54

man Armageddon dude Good

1:34:58

for Bertha speaking up though at least Bertha

1:35:01

going after Bill Maher. Yeah,

1:35:03

it was funny. He's very he's very entertaining

1:35:06

with all that stuff. Like what are you

1:35:08

a fucking general? It's like fuck. That's funny.

1:35:10

Perfect line to a general. Yeah But

1:35:13

yeah, apparently he was like nasty though. He

1:35:16

did it the whole time burden. Yeah, apparently

1:35:18

Yeah, they had like a supercut of just

1:35:20

him just fucking leveling him the entire time

1:35:23

So that's tough. Hey, especially Bill Maher like you're saying

1:35:25

he's I don't think he's equipped for

1:35:27

that kind of cut fight Really because he's like going

1:35:29

into like the issues that you know from his perspective

1:35:32

Like let's talk about this from a macro perspective and

1:35:34

burrs like you're a fucking loser and you're like God

1:35:41

burrs fucking incredible. They he's funny

1:35:43

as fuck. He's one of none

1:35:46

dude. Yeah He's

1:35:48

nasty as fuck. But yeah, he crushed him man

1:35:51

He's uh, yeah, he's a big

1:35:53

covered guy too. I noticed that he became he

1:35:55

was like number one covered guy who be Mar

1:35:57

Bill Burr Bill Burr. He was pro-covid Yeah,

1:36:00

pro-covid, pro-mask, pro-vax, you know, which

1:36:02

is his prerogative, whatever. Yeah, but

1:36:05

he's his free thinker He's able to think for both

1:36:07

sides of things. It's not always just one side of

1:36:09

it. Oh, yeah He does he does a good job

1:36:11

of that him on his appearances on Conan really funny

1:36:14

And COVID like I didn't know if it was real

1:36:16

at first But then when people are dying was like

1:36:18

oh something's really going on here and then people I

1:36:20

started to know got sick Because first it just came

1:36:22

from the news. You're like people are getting this thing.

1:36:24

It's kind of invisible You couldn't

1:36:26

really see it. Yeah, you know

1:36:29

We had like a bola before that we don't we had a

1:36:31

couple of little things But they were like this is it but

1:36:33

I remember just looking at the stats and being like I don't

1:36:36

think I have to worry About this that was

1:36:38

my only gripe about it's like dude you could have like preserved

1:36:40

the elderly Let the obese chill

1:36:42

and anyone who was like younger and not like

1:36:45

had emphysema I should have been able to just

1:36:47

do their thing the entire time. Yeah, they were

1:36:49

like hide your fat friends and everything They were

1:36:51

like making all these crazy my

1:36:54

friend Would go

1:36:56

and get his get his groceries delivered in

1:36:58

his yard have the guy set him out

1:37:01

there He would go out there with a

1:37:03

fucking pressure washer. Oh pressure washes fucking groceries,

1:37:05

dude Yeah, like in a hazmat suit. I'm

1:37:08

like, dude, you are a pussy, dude

1:37:11

Yeah, I would rather die next to

1:37:13

a couple things of written crackers in

1:37:15

front of my son Then

1:37:18

ever see him. Let me hazmat

1:37:20

suit down dude. That was miracle

1:37:23

whip and some fucking um

1:37:27

Bananas oatmeal squares dude, and that was a crazy

1:37:29

thing because I had we had I had my

1:37:31

first daughter right at the beginning of COVID So

1:37:34

we were in school and like the parents were

1:37:36

made trying to make the kids like dude fucking two-year-olds

1:37:38

There's like a daycare like early childhood education trying to

1:37:41

make them wear masks all day and it was like

1:37:43

bro give it up They're not keeping these on all

1:37:45

day and also for a two-year-old

1:37:47

who's virtually zero risk You're gonna tell

1:37:49

them in their formative years like there's a giant virus

1:37:51

and we're all died like dude Let them chill therefore

1:37:54

you can tell them like people are getting sick But like dude they

1:37:56

were mask on all the times and who

1:37:58

is the virus now, dude. That's it thing

1:38:00

it's fucking gone bro exactly it's

1:38:02

you don't hear about it if

1:38:05

people get cards that shit didn't

1:38:07

say like what was that for for now and now

1:38:09

the people that have it they don't know if Mike

1:38:11

is sick and you know now the I believe you

1:38:13

can't trust I don't know I just think

1:38:15

people hear so much of it they're probably sick

1:38:18

yeah I mean also it's a throwback now but yeah

1:38:21

they were funny too because they were just a piece

1:38:23

of paper yeah so you just fake them like and

1:38:26

there was no penalty for favor faked one there's no

1:38:28

criminal penalty I don't know I think for fake

1:38:30

ones did yeah I got in a different

1:38:32

country so they would just look

1:38:35

at it I have a picture on my phone about

1:38:37

here it is and they'd be like cool man I'm

1:38:39

like this is a fucking ridiculous so

1:38:42

dumb man um what else

1:38:44

happened in the news guys let me see

1:38:47

Peru classified transgender non-binary

1:38:49

binary and intersex people

1:38:51

as mentally ill Peru

1:38:54

Wow what did they say

1:38:56

why that's a good question I mean

1:38:59

proves a Christian nation I do know that

1:39:01

but my thing that justifies I'm just laying

1:39:04

that groundwork the controversial decision was made

1:39:06

to ensure the country's public health services could guarantee

1:39:08

full coverage of medical attention for mental health for

1:39:10

the trans community Peruvian health ministry explained that makes

1:39:12

sense in order to bill insurance you have to

1:39:15

it has to be a mental like some sort

1:39:17

of mental disorder oh so it's a how to

1:39:19

know they did a kind of a nice thing

1:39:21

being gay was a straight-up mental disorder in the

1:39:23

70s it was listed in the book that was

1:39:25

like that there's a book it's called the DSM

1:39:27

that has every mental disorder and every year people

1:39:29

have to argue like what's still one what isn't

1:39:31

like how well you know blah blah blah but

1:39:34

yeah being gay in like the 70s was like a mental

1:39:36

it's like a clinical mental mental disorder well I mean it

1:39:38

had to seem like it if you think about it imagine

1:39:40

you're hanging out somewhere right yeah and

1:39:43

you're just sitting there with your buddy or something you're watching like

1:39:46

the Cubs or something watching Andre Dawson and

1:39:49

your buddy keeps fucking putting his leg

1:39:53

right and you tell him

1:39:55

like you know hey mark what's

1:39:57

up your hand keeps moving over here

1:39:59

Is something wrong with your elbow? Is something wrong with

1:40:01

your shoulder? You have to call 911 Is

1:40:04

something wrong with your bicep? And he's like, no, I'm fine And

1:40:07

it keeps happening and then it starts rubbing on your chest

1:40:09

or whatever you're like True Doesn't

1:40:12

understand that something's wrong with you, you're going to think then that

1:40:14

he's mentally disabled True It's

1:40:16

a fair point, it's actually a fair point Even he would

1:40:18

probably think it in the beginning, he'd be like, some guys

1:40:20

I'm sure were like The hell? What

1:40:23

is going on? Could

1:40:25

you imagine? Oh god 50s being like, I

1:40:27

just want to suck my boss's dick so

1:40:29

bad Yeah There was no

1:40:31

one in the world you could turn to And

1:40:33

be like, look man, I want to suck my boss's dick more than

1:40:35

anything Everybody get the fuck out of here right now People

1:40:38

would beat your ass Yeah,

1:40:41

or people would just be like, dude, you're crazy That's

1:40:43