0:00

I have some new tour dates to tell you about.

0:03

We've added a third show in London on

0:06

June 16th at the Eventim Apollo.

0:09

Tickets go on sale Tuesday, May 14th

0:12

at 10 a.m. local time. We

0:14

also have shows in New York City on May 31.

0:18

Belfast in the

0:20

UK on June 6th. That's

0:23

an added show. June 7th is

0:25

sold out. Idaho Falls, we've added

0:27

a show on June 27th. Salt

0:31

Lake City, Utah on June 30th

0:33

and Las Vegas, Nevada on July

0:36

5th and 6th. At

0:39

Resorts World Las Vegas, get all your

0:41

tickets at theovon.com/T-O-U-R.

0:46

And if tickets are too expensive, just wait.

0:49

We'll come back around. Make sure

0:51

you buy them through our link and

0:54

not off of a secondary site. Thank

0:56

you guys so much for your support. Today's

0:59

guest is a comedian. She's

1:01

my friend. She's one

1:04

of the roasters from the recent

1:06

Tom Brady Roast on Netflix. She's

1:08

one of the best roasters of all time. She

1:11

has a new special out on

1:14

HBO called Someday You'll Die. Today's

1:17

guest is Nikki Glaser.

1:21

I'll shine that light

1:23

on me. I'll

1:26

sit and tell you my

1:28

stories. Shine

1:34

on me. And I will

1:36

find a song I will sing

1:38

it to you. Yeah,

1:41

I need to sit

1:44

for this coffee. I'm

1:48

going to talk to a woman. It's

1:53

different. Yeah. Really?

1:57

Yeah, Dude, talking to

1:59

a dang woman. The woman? he didn't Really?

2:01

yeah it's the biggest fear and

2:03

on inside of a man I

2:05

think is talking to a woman.

2:07

Some people they. Men

2:10

would Yemen they can't. Yeah,

2:12

people sometimes can't talk to a

2:14

woman. Yeah, I I feel

2:17

that way. I'd.

2:19

I'd I'd ever nervousness around men like

2:21

that I think fell away when certain

2:23

comedy because I just felt like. On.

2:26

One of the boys, alec men don't treat me differently. They

2:28

don't see me sexually like even know sometimes I do want

2:31

to be seen that way. but I don't. Think

2:33

about it much anymore, but yeah, I've I've

2:35

used to feel that way all the time,

2:37

but now I feel like I relate to

2:39

men. Sometimes. More than women and

2:41

enjoy. Having. Conversations because

2:43

I feel like I pull out like a

2:45

feminine energy from men met. I like that

2:47

they don't get to. Express. A

2:49

lot like I like. I like when the

2:51

guys i'm a guy I'm dating has women

2:54

friends because he gets to like really some

2:56

emotion that doesn't have the come out on

2:58

me. As as our the the only place

3:00

that because he doesn't feel safe doing it's because it's not

3:02

sexy rise he can do with his girlfriend that there's no

3:04

sexual vibes they can get because women are at a at

3:06

of is. A very well as the and friend to

3:08

you could cry on a lesbian. Oh yes,

3:10

you absolutely. I mean they I can't because

3:13

it gets sexual yeah, but a man can

3:15

cradle as mean I got love that they

3:17

get a little too comforting to me when

3:19

I cry. There should be like a

3:21

place like in Nature or on the

3:24

mckenna see like street corners or whatever

3:26

but where there is a devout lesbian

3:28

who is. You. Know

3:30

who is? I'm. Totally.

3:33

Has gone through whatever those steps are

3:35

to be a lesbian and is and

3:37

is Baird up. Take. This

3:39

journey off of a may it's it's

3:41

to disorder some of the burden. You

3:43

know, because a lotta men didn't get

3:46

either one of their parents because one

3:48

of their parents was going to cause

3:50

a divorce and then the other parent

3:52

because of that had to work. So

3:55

a lesbian months? half lesbian? Yeah, to

3:57

not one of these little Las Vegas

3:59

nightly rental lesbian. I'm talking about a

4:02

real Falcon oatmeal eaten lazy. And you

4:04

ever feel know that lesbians like have no

4:06

use for Yale because you're man. Oh

4:08

he had like that they're just like get the fuck

4:10

outta here and off needs a deal at the set.

4:12

The of we're we're the ugly women. a

4:14

lesbian, That's

4:17

not a mayonnaise or ugly uses not.

4:19

Rewards: The of the Valencia's are going after

4:21

her either. So that's the an ugly woman

4:24

is an ugly woman to every wire officer.

4:26

Has passed. Last, what's

4:28

That's why it's so important to stay

4:30

like hot You feel like and no

4:32

one. Once you really think that it's

4:34

I think it's yeah. we're We're as

4:36

an ugly man acceptable than you. I

4:38

think there's certain like you I that.

4:40

I. Am A. So

4:43

of inserted it's every these a

4:45

source of all everybody looks pretty

4:47

good these days. Can we say

4:49

that well as he of money

4:51

there's no reason you you better

4:53

look does but I like it's

4:55

like that but even the government

4:57

is like buying people teeth phones,

4:59

phone cards. it's like. I

5:02

feel like everybody. Everybody kind of almost

5:04

looks the same Now reality. I agree.

5:06

everybody's about like an eight. and then

5:08

you have some people that throw her

5:10

honor mothers deftly. Some people are tens,

5:13

but everybody's kind of like a eight

5:15

or seven. But. The ten really boring tens

5:17

and you can't linked by you can buy and

5:19

nine he with him a and like when that's

5:21

just like you see a model and they're just

5:23

like an alien. From. Like they lit

5:26

and they're very rare. Though they're probably

5:28

more rare than psychopaths or something, you

5:30

know? I mean percentage wise. Yeah,

5:32

only God makes tunes on. The.

5:34

Yeah, that's a good yeah. It's a doctor

5:36

can't. They. Try they can

5:39

get like nine point two. Year.

5:42

They can get. A good one, but even it's

5:44

hard to find a doctor that can do that kind. Of our

5:46

the are. Not. Doctor gotten.

5:49

Doctor God Baby God. Look. Yeah.

5:52

I'm but yeah, there's no like you

5:54

can just that's the pressure though is

5:56

like. Sometimes. When I feel

5:58

like oh, you don't look as good. You could

6:00

look would I would want to read my potential? Ryan,

6:02

you. Know that's a good point. Now my potential

6:04

with enough money is nine point to like Like

6:06

it is a said enough cert. Like I can

6:08

buy the person that make me and nine Point

6:10

two and I'm not a nine went to. But

6:13

there there is surgery. There's a right result there

6:15

that can transform my face and my body into

6:17

exactly. As. Hot that's as high as I

6:19

could get and I'm not reaching it inside the skull

6:21

and failing in some way. And my friends who don't

6:23

have money go. I'm just slammed his

6:25

I can't afford to do that, but I could

6:27

maybe afford to do that. so I feel like

6:29

I need to do that. You get Arrested. Yeah

6:32

I mean I'd I'd use of already. I get like injections

6:34

and stuff here in there and I'm not like I don't

6:36

do a lot but every couple years ago and secure enough

6:39

them like let's assume. Organ. To do and

6:41

I like the risk of it. It's like getting

6:43

a tattoo would like a can be bad of

6:45

a haircut like I can get it dissolved Wacky.

6:47

turn it back around but it is when women

6:49

face worker men and it's gonna get fucked up.

6:51

I sometimes go good for you use of the

6:53

fuck in San Cisco. Point on your junior

6:56

Venice taker you or your met yeah

6:58

you're somebody that reached in the draft

7:00

you are so and paid of the

7:02

door bronco. as in I'm in reconstructive

7:04

surgery realm. Yeah yeah because you definitely

7:06

see will. Sometimes I'll kiss a woman

7:09

and her lip taste like a part

7:11

of against Michael. Oh yeah yeah taste

7:13

like some you his throat. who had

7:15

no the kids Kind of like it

7:17

just feels like a suitable with anger.

7:19

Yeah who doesn't like your kids to

7:22

them anymore? It's Fuel. Adidas one of

7:24

the sealed. Seller for sir and one. Hundred

7:26

my lips but I got it is like

7:28

recently down here which for some reason makes

7:30

this go up like it's all like. Or

7:32

even know how it works. But I don't like all

7:34

the I Guide anatomy. I've never done it before by

7:36

can feel it like I do it whenever I'm like

7:39

you know going like this like some I'm like oh

7:41

god to they don't you feel we're pressing on it

7:43

I do not. Have them of yelling. I get some like

7:45

on the back of my legs bottom a lot but maybe just

7:47

maybe a little taller like when I'm in a seat or whatever.

7:50

I. Would. That. Is a way

7:52

to get taller. Than using only.

7:54

You're sitting down a lot. Nobody thinks

7:56

about that. Hey that of course he

7:58

led sitting tall your. I'm not that tall

8:00

and I'm standing up over when I'm sitting I'm a little taller than

8:02

you'd expect I mean are you good on your posture like are

8:04

you working on that fuck? No, dude Yeah, I

8:06

was working on it. Yeah, so I quit working on

8:08

it I mean like when you're conscious

8:10

of it when I am when I sit away

8:13

I'm supposed to with my shoulder blades down my

8:15

neck extended and my back like this is a good

8:17

look I know this is gonna look better than what I

8:19

really want to do which is this yeah Armadillo,

8:22

but this feels like I'm gonna meet some dudes gonna try

8:24

to meet me. I feel like all the time. Yeah, you're

8:28

I You're waiting for a Grinder

8:31

date or you're waiting yeah, you're hoping they pick you to

8:33

go on the Mayflower or something like it

8:35

has a very Yeah,

8:38

if you're ready, yes pick

8:40

me yeah, yeah, that's what it feels like

8:43

pick me Yeah, but for a

8:45

girl in a way she can sit in

8:47

a way that is just like I have

8:49

confidence Like there's a way to sit that's

8:51

like exude sexuality for sure well. Yeah,

8:53

oh definitely for a woman Yeah, it's

8:55

like yeah like I don't even know how to contort my

8:57

body in that way But I know that when I am

8:59

trying to look sexy my back hurts afterwards Because

9:02

I've been holding this art arch back It's

9:05

not health like it's not good, but some girls just

9:07

walk around naturally like that Oh, yeah people from

9:09

Toronto have the best hot shot if you've been there

9:11

or not you've been there Yes,

9:13

and it kind of checks out in

9:15

my memory, but I oh they're like

9:17

wait Why maybe there's school desks because

9:19

that's what breaks us it

9:21

could be like the I don't

9:23

know Gravity is up there some but it's

9:25

definitely there's a they are very

9:29

You know they look very on

9:31

purpose. Yeah very on purpose, okay?

9:36

Like wandering like oh look at

9:38

this fucking accident Toronto yeah, yeah

9:41

Intimidating on purpose like Toronto. They're like

9:43

is it I always say

9:45

wrong Toronto not Toronto It's true.

9:47

I think you can call it whatever you want dude. They're

9:50

just happy you came to visit They really are yeah, and

9:52

they should be it's a it's a bitch getting there Well,

9:54

and it's like a lot of people didn't even think Canada

9:56

was real for a long time like we had to discover

9:58

it like Rps

10:01

Okay will admit it says

10:04

you have a real. History

10:08

of I don't really know our yeah

10:10

I mean oh. Canada.

10:13

Dude? Yep, lot of people are like

10:15

auto know man. yeah we'll see about

10:17

it though. every see our it's and.

10:19

I go there. Don't you feel like your

10:21

they are like Air Canada? You fly they're

10:23

they're mad at you when when you're flying

10:25

Ma'am I don't like that I got a

10:27

decent like flying Air Canada and then when

10:29

I get their the customs feel so aggressive

10:31

that I'm just like. Little lighter. What are

10:33

you know how going on here? Know they're not.

10:36

Yeah, that. That's a real truth. I think you're right.

10:38

I think it. Was getting though. The people love

10:40

the people are recyclers. a commonly observed eastern border control.

10:42

makes me feel like a criminal and makes you feel

10:44

like why are you. Here Well we kind

10:46

of have become that. I.

10:48

Mean America's a criminal state,

10:51

obsessed with capitalism. It is

10:53

sacrificed Everything that was good.

10:55

Has. To make a couple bucks so I

10:58

get why they're tapping as on the shoulder little

11:00

extra over there on the way and last at

11:02

it they don't want them to that they don't

11:04

with that seem in there are looking. To

11:06

be famous and cool like they don't

11:09

have that sad desire and at saddle

11:11

as mean eldest of where I used

11:13

to that. but it's like. Yet we're

11:16

here. It's or with some kind of desperation here.

11:18

it feels like didn't make any sense or know.

11:20

Totally. I am fighting at all the

11:22

time because I'm A. I'm a part of it

11:24

and I know I feed into it and it

11:26

gets me. But. I also am so disgusted

11:29

by it when I I can't wait to sopping

11:31

because of a consumerism really stresses me out. And

11:33

thinking about all of these when I go shopping

11:35

I just like look at all the rest because

11:37

I'm like this is all gonna be an alien

11:40

focuses on. Can be the ocean like that it

11:42

it grosses me out. but I'm oligos dying. that

11:44

stuff they're driving it to me sounds to see

11:46

it in mass amounts and think about that. But

11:48

so I'm I'm on both sides of it for

11:50

yeah, we've lids, it's as bet. It's interesting.

11:53

Ah well. The question everybody

11:56

wants to know is how's

11:58

that vagina do And. They're.

12:01

Pretty good as well. Yeah that's a sad

12:03

and like I. yeah it's the right now

12:05

it's like a good day like you do

12:07

drove a good good and bad days on

12:09

their. Good wiener days like. Were uses like.

12:11

I wouldn't mind if someone saw it like it's

12:13

lookin' I think designers have more

12:15

going on that can be either. Just.

12:18

There's more pieces. To Power.

12:20

In place that some days it's like this is great

12:22

and it's probably the day is that you said is

12:24

that your of like all the leading. Our our oh

12:27

is that party nostril home and put it

12:29

is on and on on. say of the

12:31

apes, the deepest damp a baby look Do

12:33

you know what I'm saying is definitely it's

12:35

like the thirtieth wonder if the world. I

12:37

guess he'd used to be like the number

12:40

one wonder the world, our lawyers like they

12:42

are. It was like Guantanamo Bay one. Since

12:44

I'm like no, I'm Gary Busey them and

12:46

then like the Leaning Tower of Pisa or

12:48

whatever and the sunlight. But the vid, it's

12:50

definitely lost. I think so is kind of

12:52

without with crypto. I feel like the vagina

12:55

did some. It does feel like people aren't

12:57

as interested in hearing about it and talking

12:59

about it like during a move to ass.

13:01

Is. Is that what people are decision? Or is it just like.

13:04

Or that I s pussy. That's what a lot of gay dude

13:06

to be like when they get that as play. Like that.

13:08

Why? Not. Like out on her

13:10

way or at the album or whatever. when I was.

13:14

At an arrow post daily or

13:16

that popcorn saw that they have always.

13:18

That's when the most going out of

13:21

business of your more than one park

13:23

was ah ah ah dammit a soda

13:25

the hell up up up issues

13:27

in. A. Sense.

13:30

but years As a lot of gay dude, the

13:32

hunt for that I have. Yeah, Yeah, yeah,

13:34

yeah, well that's all they got. Yeah.

13:36

But there's a lot of light,

13:39

just like. To. Gauge would

13:41

you be like armed oh god made me

13:43

gay, ride or whatever. I'm not day by

13:45

choice, but the second they buy you one

13:47

drink, they're trying to get you to choose

13:49

to be gay or that's interesting. Proposes that

13:51

he. Like will because they

13:54

see have you can me. That

13:56

they. Made earlier buying into this fluidity

13:58

thing of like they probably every high school hooked

14:01

up with girls. Them are like I know how

14:03

to hook up with someone I'm not attracted zoo

14:05

and convince us all to be into it. You

14:07

do that now with me. You know because they

14:09

have to do that like you know it's not

14:11

maybe kids now, but in some states yes. But

14:14

like when I was growing up there were out

14:16

there. want to the my graduating class. That.

14:18

Were. Gay. No one with guy. That

14:20

were like yeah everybody call everybody gay

14:22

but nobody was down. With our but we

14:24

knew who was that they had to hook up

14:27

with grub. mean in their twenties and thirties Sometimes

14:29

they're hooking up with girls. Can you imagine having

14:31

dug up with someone you're just so not into?

14:33

I mean yes I can have done it before

14:35

but it's alcohol would probably make it's I could

14:37

do. A year or marriage? or yeah,

14:39

I think a lot of people get

14:41

married or would have. Yeah and then

14:44

they're like damn this dude, gay or

14:46

whatever. And then I start with a

14:48

gay husband. But I think a lot

14:50

of women because of things like I'm.

14:54

Watch. What happens Live. They love

14:56

having a gay has it's own was

14:58

cooler than advantage Straight has been in

15:00

whatever you do when they'd rather had

15:03

this crazy gay husband and then latest

15:05

right. Crazy. Boy on their

15:07

border would ever before sex with her? I don't know. I

15:09

don't think they they ever, I think they just

15:11

that using they they they know he's gay and

15:13

they just have a tacit agreement that we're gonna

15:15

do kind of and an indulgence on the things

15:17

that never call it out. Set your guy like

15:20

I feel like because you're right about like having

15:22

us being married to a game and would be

15:24

fun because there's a feminine energy to him that

15:26

would be like almost like having a. Girl I

15:28

would say largest Pomeranian you can hurt

15:30

your a woman is a gay husband.

15:34

Yeah. But

15:36

at least two Pomeranian could go

15:38

down on him and a fixer.

15:41

Upper Edit it out navigate time.

15:43

Yes as irony. Of footing peanut butter

15:45

on your genitals or whatever like and having a

15:47

dog was it up. It's disgusting is absolutely illegal

15:49

and said me but the dog would like at.

15:52

Know, like a when there's they already

15:54

like process, run that. plus peanut butter

15:56

it would. I mean it's it's There's

15:58

no denying that. That. Party would

16:01

enjoy it and it wouldn't be like I don't

16:03

want to do this. I mean Amazon Rainforest, but

16:05

it's It's on their own licking. Yes, you

16:07

were really not helping each other give a we were.

16:10

away a few feet the our the

16:12

laws we are other is like I

16:14

know. As soon as animals can vote

16:16

dude we're gonna learn a lot of up

16:18

for the soon as they can do the

16:20

alphabet or whatever they just had a dog

16:23

or whatever they can or whether they're both

16:25

hands are know he can open up a

16:27

pack of cigarettes. okay look that up. I.

16:29

Wouldn't say was an Australian shepherd. That

16:32

time frame you need to take him to a

16:34

vet. A sap will. Say

16:36

because he's offering up a pack of

16:38

cigarettes. Crazy has a good at it.

16:40

This is is this is how insane

16:43

America's It's as if your dog ate

16:45

a cigarette you to take him to

16:47

the vet. a sap. However, Americans didn't

16:49

smoke There is as as as as

16:51

sensitive as a. Actually it's

16:53

as if we free if your dog opened up

16:56

a pack of cigarettes you to take him to.

16:58

That is her as a tobacco and have filters

17:00

and cigarette can be taught that however and it

17:02

doesn't say this part but. It's. Low

17:04

Key does. If you are human

17:06

your feet it's often a full

17:08

I mean and get tell. You

17:10

know one. It's it's. crazy that

17:13

people still smoke. I mean, I'm vapor some

17:15

time. like the. I bade some time it in

17:17

my babies are know when are bad. But

17:19

what's the for? like. We know

17:21

it's bad but l love. Me:

17:23

I guess it's like auto know. It's

17:26

not ruining my life yet. I

17:28

can't. Yeah, let me do it. Yeah,

17:31

there's always gonna be something I dig him.

17:33

Were imperfect creatures. it's so hard to not

17:35

have anything. Yes, it is awesome. But

17:38

year, how said? Bid adieu.

17:40

A guerrilla. City god I really

17:42

haven't second among I haven't like done anything with

17:44

that and so long I've just been wiping and

17:46

after I p that's like my and with washing

17:49

in the shower I haven't I haven't like had

17:51

sex or had an orgasm annoying time really yeah

17:53

I do I know the at the advertising when

17:55

you ass and I was really like how is

17:57

it because. I. Haven't done anything.

18:00

Where that I don't read too busy. Oh

18:02

yeah yeah, if you got busy cooter going

18:04

on is. So.

18:07

It's got. I think it's really good right

18:09

now because it's been not like neglected in

18:11

that way. Like you feel like you get things

18:13

back and you're like I've. Got us

18:15

into yeah, that really. Probably

18:17

I do polities I'm doing a lot of like pelvic.

18:19

Floor where I I'm pro israeli pretty

18:22

gun a love the think he owns

18:24

a load of everybody and I'm at

18:26

us and also the i might lack

18:28

put my lap was either and cause

18:30

of death of our our are gonna

18:32

require talk about their this is earnest

18:34

and so. What?

18:38

what about? Like? Because I do notice a

18:40

say i'm I'm A and right and so

18:42

if I masturbate like the next day I

18:44

do feel a little bit like we girl

18:46

or a little bit less organized. some you

18:49

know, yeah I feel. Sonos. I'll be a

18:51

little like. I'm not. A

18:53

hundred percent. Yeah, I'm I've

18:55

heard that I haven't. I don't do it enough

18:57

to like track it. I do know that I

18:59

can get like compulsive about masturbating if I'm like

19:02

if I'm in a compulsive moon unlike or smoke

19:04

weed. Okay, I got high in that was good.

19:06

For five minutes I'll pick up the guitar. I

19:08

played one funky now I got oh eat a

19:10

bunch of food and then I'll do that. I'm

19:12

like I need more doesn't mean okay masturbate. After

19:14

that I'm like ah, I'm okay. I'll the smoke

19:16

weed again and then I gotta get back to

19:18

mess with and not time at not raising. I'll

19:20

eat more like I just jet. That's when I

19:22

get. Only a new diet. I feel

19:24

like frame like a Nashville bias. That

19:28

would appeal to apply to it. It's

19:31

a horrible say. I hate when I get in

19:33

the those spirals of just like this as exact

19:35

same thing and until you fall asleep. Or

19:38

year the. Eight years of waiting for sleep. The

19:40

com site. yeah, that's what I can be too

19:42

much about. And that's and that's when I can

19:44

track like, oh yeah, my mood it says. I'm

19:46

trying to get dope Amina now, but I don't

19:48

really feel it does dullness afterwards. I don't feel

19:50

like I'm harnessing anything by not coming or something.

19:52

I haven't I? I'm sure there's some truth to

19:54

that, but I'm insulted. Do you do

19:57

the women feel less in cook? Bless complete

19:59

the day. After on orgasm

20:01

are like something like that.

20:03

like. Possibly. but I wouldn't Now I'm I went.

20:05

I'm not like someone who's like. I.

20:07

Have interacted. I haven't like what. Really to

20:10

seven noticed your loyal. I can be really constipated

20:12

not know it can be like why I feel sick

20:14

and none of my close fed and then I'll like.

20:16

And then I'll go the bathroom will be like the

20:19

or what I haven't cooked for like a week I

20:21

just don't notice my but I'm not in tune with

20:23

my body while so I don't like my when I

20:25

friends are like I feel sick i think it's at

20:27

thing I ate I would never be able to tracings

20:30

I'm not paying attention to what makes a so I'm

20:32

trying to do that more now and you like some

20:34

matic therapy and like he seemed really angry where's that

20:36

coming from and I I literally never have any answer

20:38

for my therapist about like I don't feel things on

20:41

my body really noms and my it's would seem to

20:43

be that I was molested or something but I can't

20:45

remember anything like that happening either. So. I kind

20:47

of a disassociate. yeah, exactly if it

20:49

happens, I'm. Glad I didn't remember

20:51

it, but something keeps me from being

20:53

in tune. Yeah. Molested or forgetful. that

20:55

can be a new activity of okay

20:57

ah that's insane And as important to

21:00

say, do. Know what they're

21:02

Now It's. It's not nobody. Don't justify

21:04

that us into. The by why I say

21:06

that bit of people are molested or but if

21:08

you're molesting you forgot your mom season is still

21:10

trauma from it because things happen to us as

21:12

baby that we don't understand that we carry on

21:15

to split what what a gift it would be

21:17

to not remember it and just have it be

21:19

and then you just. Keep blaming your parents

21:21

forever not knowing that it was some kind of babysitter

21:23

you and or something that really did it. And

21:26

they use to arm. Or

21:28

limited role. A Bottom is worse? Yeah, Can

21:31

you believe they did lobotomies. Yeah again.

21:33

It's really unbelievable. Spring up some of the

21:35

law bottom me on. Information.

21:37

Please allow to me is a type of

21:40

brain surgeons. it involves severing the connection between

21:42

the frontal lobe in the other parts of

21:44

the brain. Yeah and Lobotomies became popular in

21:46

the nineteen thirties as a treatment for certain

21:49

mental health condition. At there are times when

21:51

I am feel so mentally unwell that I would

21:53

be like. If. It went on

21:55

long as it went on a really long

21:57

time. Me feeling that bad? I'd. Be like.

22:00

Please. Please. Check it out the. Plants hundred

22:02

threat to the core connection that is making

22:04

this happen like you would want to send

22:06

out like I thought it would be like

22:08

a suicide without having to die. Yeah, oh

22:10

wow, But then you're still does Milan around like

22:12

god you what? I. Wouldn't. Know her and would

22:15

now and isn't as. Bother people oh oh

22:17

I would hate at Raf out at you

22:19

just walk in of the blast. years ago

22:21

a tunnel trick or treaters fog. I'd be. I

22:23

guess I would never do a voluntary one would have someone

22:25

was like see must be I'd be like oh go. You.

22:28

Know like set of like I It's not my fault that

22:30

I'm going to be that the or that they did this

22:32

to me but yeah there's times or it's like. I.

22:34

Can see why they would one eclipse that cord. In

22:37

addition of people who me current definition

22:39

from the little practices also from the

22:41

bottom some people with intellectual disabilities. Who.

22:43

Were gay while we're in prison

22:45

for crimes with some blamed on

22:47

criminal insanity. Oh,

22:50

that's when Eighteen study also states that

22:52

most lobotomies people were women. Yeah

22:54

so it's like the old bad Pms

22:56

in our like Clipper. Up

22:59

his act. Were

23:01

and what about who's a group that

23:03

came over to decide I must have

23:05

been a crazy dinner or says with

23:07

a woman the had their cook it

23:09

and also ah sit there and of

23:12

got i have a letter clean up

23:14

before they took her a whack of

23:16

is is gonna do that. Oh

23:19

My. God. Often the reasons are you ready for

23:21

this was they needed to maintain order in the

23:23

hospital. Your rights are the reason to put a

23:25

lack of interest in childcare and strange but. Wouldn't.

23:27

That mean when you mean a lack of interest

23:30

and other isn't with a lack of interest Oaks

23:32

on I guess a digital women who'd probably had

23:34

post partum and words as like i only want

23:36

this baby while which most women were just getting

23:39

raped by their husbands that than and making that

23:41

have a m a baby every fucking chance that

23:43

they could. Why would you want that kid. Well

23:46

when of mad Men for small similar to. join

23:50

him whenever career said in happened so the

23:52

fact that he i wouldn't be are better

23:54

nap and my grandma say us with affected

23:56

he isn't donate a million dollars each ear

23:59

okay. The secretaries

24:01

of America with show that

24:03

up his own thing and

24:06

I'm real. That's. What

24:09

lobotomies do to people on proponents all about him.

24:11

He thought of the procedure could address the root

24:13

cause of mental health symptoms by cutting off the

24:16

part of the brain they ban was responsible for

24:18

them. Well so it really was just so Prius

24:20

or Godless has. Go in there and cut the

24:22

cable you know. You don't get you. It's

24:24

A. you have apathy Distract You have distractibility.

24:27

See, get a little eighty. When they

24:29

reduce the points only a frontal lobe resulting in

24:31

okay go yeah. So I lack of initiative

24:33

so know what? That lack of restraints. Okay

24:35

so like everything is either thing that fry

24:37

a thing that they will we don't like

24:39

that. Like we want to control them.

24:42

Euphoria You so. They. Reduce the

24:44

functionality. Oh okay so they were disciplined

24:46

sounding a little the runway am so

24:48

they get euphoria. And it resulted in

24:51

yeah you for your feeling of intense heartland. Of

24:53

God. significant changes in personality of I.

24:55

Cause I think a lot of those things are

24:57

things that come from on the back of your

24:59

head. It's. Like from your like limbic

25:01

system. I'd based on those and I'm I'm pretty. Sure,

25:03

I've had a lot bottom. Exact

25:07

sec sec. Yeah

25:09

dude, that's interesting.

25:11

Yeah. I'd I'd be. I'd do

25:14

it back in the day. Out have been a point

25:16

that you could come back again. He gets a

25:18

running back right? Yeah, When the glazer? sorry. Mickey.

25:21

Glazers. I can do that on purpose. I did.

25:23

I did As a new dad. I would never

25:25

do that really. That's funny my. Brain

25:27

is so really. I love that! I

25:29

love lobbying in the new. Miss

25:32

Gender? Whatever. Whitney lives are being thought

25:34

of. It was use the same gender. Me

25:36

thinking you're talking what you're thinking Whitney Cummings.

25:38

Oh dang a one of my brain

25:40

was really mad. Or who were going

25:43

up when you think Whitney? Who do you think? militant

25:45

Dinah Houston era. is like the given

25:47

use kids has a sense be honest with

25:49

you know even with very funny when yes

25:51

and parking cia owner i've seen them have

25:53

you seen him when pool to likely to

25:55

yeah there who in their nine lifeguard can

25:58

take that they are you He

26:01

got those unsinkable battle tips, bro. Whitney's

26:03

on duty, yes. Yeah, she's got those

26:05

U-boats, dude. If I were that baby,

26:07

I would never grow past too much.

26:11

Those are insane,

26:13

you're right. And they're probably even, they

26:15

get so good when women are pregnant.

26:17

Do they? Oh my god.

26:20

My friends who have like tiny tits

26:22

are just like giant, firm, full, nice

26:24

like color of nipples like they get a little

26:26

darker. Like it's just, their tits look amazing. God,

26:29

that's the one thing that they wish to keep.

26:31

That's what I need, that freaking,

26:33

that birthing tit. Yeah. God,

26:37

it's just something everybody wants. Yes.

26:40

Just to see those things and before

26:42

the baby gets to them. I

26:45

don't know if it's what everybody wants, but yeah, I

26:47

enjoy a pair of, like Whitney's, you just can't deny

26:49

they're amazing. And when I saw them, I was like,

26:52

I want to like, I want to feel

26:55

what that's like. Yeah. I don't know if

26:57

I felt them though. I want to

26:59

know what love is. Remember that song?

27:01

Oh yeah. I want you to know

27:03

me. Yeah. Something, I think you had

27:05

it right. Yeah. Yeah, if you got to

27:07

be reincarnated based on a lot of what you've done. So you've

27:09

been a women's lib activist,

27:11

right? Shut up. Well, you have.

27:14

Whatever. A women's lib

27:16

activist? I'm just a woman. Or whatever it's called.

27:18

You mean being a woman and just wanting like

27:20

speaking freely as one? I don't know that I'm

27:22

a, what do you, what do you, what comes

27:25

to mind when you think of me like that?

27:27

No, I think you haven't been like a like, like

27:31

a, you know, like,

27:35

yeah, like, you know, you

27:37

know, you know, charm my vulva or whatever some

27:40

of those women are doing for a whatever. But

27:43

I think, yeah, you're like a, you're

27:45

like a proud female. Yeah. Yeah.

27:49

Yeah, definitely. So, you know, upspeed, someone

27:51

who speaks up for women. Yeah. I

27:54

mean, yeah, I think so. Maybe it might have

27:56

been the best term. I didn't mean it like you, I

27:58

didn't mean it like a negative thing. I'm not

28:00

like a man, I hope people don't

28:02

personify me as like a man-hating of

28:04

that feminist. I actually like

28:06

men a lot and I empathize, even

28:09

the things that I'm like, why do men not have

28:11

to do this and we have to do this and

28:13

I'm like mad about the disparity? It's like, I'm not

28:15

mad at men about it, it's just some gender roles.

28:17

It's not like your fault, like

28:20

men's fault that this is the way it is.

28:22

Or there are many ways in which women are

28:24

shittier or have it better

28:26

than men do. It's like not our, we don't

28:28

need to be villainized for it, it's just kind

28:30

of the roles we fall into. I

28:32

think there's a ton of truth to that. What was I

28:34

just reading the other day, it was about something that women,

28:37

they don't wanna do it. Oh,

28:40

this was about Bumble, did you see it? Oh

28:42

yeah, they just changed the setting so men can now reach out

28:44

to women because it used to be just women only reaching out

28:46

to men. Women had to ask first and I

28:48

believe women are like, you know what, we

28:51

don't wanna do that. It doesn't,

28:53

it's not sexy. I would say most men

28:55

are not really, Bumble really does us a

28:57

favor by having this feature because women need

28:59

to learn that if you want to attract

29:01

a man who's a masculine energy man, you

29:04

gotta let him be the one to lead

29:06

and men don't really like women taking the

29:08

lead. Feminine energy men do and

29:10

it doesn't mean gay men, but

29:12

there's less, there's like 20% of men are

29:14

feminine, straight men are feminine energy and that's

29:16

just, and then there's 20% of women that

29:18

are masculine energy women, which sometimes I am.

29:21

On stage, I'm a masculine energy woman. Anyone

29:23

who's horny for what I do on stage

29:26

is a feminine energy guy, probably.

29:29

That is a threat, once a partner, the person

29:31

I am on stage. And so a lot of

29:33

times the guys that are throwing themselves at me

29:35

after shows are not my vibe because off stage,

29:37

I'm a feminine energy woman and I'm like, I

29:40

want someone like that. I

29:42

wanna be the girl, but then people don't think

29:44

of me that way because on stage, you kind

29:46

of naturally have to be masculine. It's like you're

29:48

talking to a microphone and having opinions. That's kind

29:51

of a turn off to men. That's interesting. I

29:54

don't think of you as that way. I

29:57

think probably like Eliza maybe, I think more of that way, because she's

29:59

definitely- Yeah, there's a spectrum. But, you

30:02

know, her pacing and energy, you know, probably

30:04

add to that. I wonder

30:06

who else is that I think I'm gonna do that.

30:08

Just the nature of a woman going like, this

30:10

is what I think and everyone needs to listen.

30:12

Even if I'm like, this is what I think

30:14

and everyone needs to listen and I have my

30:17

tits out. It's still like, you're talking

30:19

to a microphone to a bunch of

30:21

people who have to be quiet, especially men have to be quiet.

30:23

It's like, it's a masculine energy thing. It's

30:25

okay that men are like, I don't really like

30:27

female comics. Like, I get it. It

30:31

makes sense to me when guys are kind of like,

30:33

that's not my thing. It's like a woman yelling at

30:35

you. If you grew up with a really aggressive woman. Yeah. Yeah,

30:38

I get it. It was hard for me for years. I

30:40

think sometimes to listen, because it was just like, I didn't

30:42

even know that it reminded me of my mother, but

30:45

it was always something.

30:47

But, yeah, it totally makes sense. I

30:49

think some of that went away after a while. But yeah,

30:51

Bumble said that they're not, for

30:56

women who date men, making the first move on a dating

30:58

app can be empowering, but having to do it can be

31:01

a burden. Now they don't have to, at least on Bumble,

31:03

the dating app that built its brand

31:05

on letting women message first. Women can now

31:07

add prompts to their profiles for men to

31:09

respond to. Good. Like little flirting

31:11

cues, huh? Love it. Just any chance for

31:14

a guy to like reach out and let you

31:16

know he's into you without really giving away too

31:18

much. Oh yeah. It's so embarrassing. Like, even for

31:20

me, if I like someone and like want to

31:22

let them know, like I won't

31:25

let them know until I'm 100% sure they're into me. Like

31:28

100% sure. I don't

31:30

want that rejection. And I'm sure men feel that

31:32

way all the time. Well yeah, and

31:34

there's no sure bets. You know, it's like everything,

31:36

I think this is one thing that's a lot

31:39

in our society these days. Everybody wants a sure

31:41

bet, right? They want a

31:43

lot of messages to make sure that everything

31:45

is okay, that there's, like you're there. Everything

31:48

has to be a home run. Yeah,

31:50

nobody wants to kind of make that move

31:53

and be at risk. I mean, they're even setting

31:55

it up like that here now. But now it's

31:57

like a little thing. Like, it's like, this is the equivalent of

31:59

like. the long, like a long look across a

32:02

room at a bar. Like I've learned, I

32:04

feel like sometimes autistic when I have to learn how to like

32:06

flirt. Like the idea of like, if you like a guy, you're

32:08

supposed to like hold eye contact for like four

32:11

seconds, which is a really long time. But it's just

32:13

a way to let a guy know tacitly without being

32:15

aggressive that like I'm into you, then he can then,

32:17

then he gets it like, there's no way that girl's

32:19

not into me. She just looked at me that long,

32:21

but it wasn't like a masculine energy. Like it was

32:23

like, I'm like, it was like, come here boy. It

32:25

wasn't even like this. It was just like, and then

32:28

that gives a guy enough confidence to be like, okay,

32:30

she's probably into me. Now I can approach. But this

32:32

is that. It gives them a chance to like not

32:34

risk anything. I always feel like if a girl looks at me

32:36

like that, it's like she wants to probably, oh,

32:38

this chick wants to borrow some cash. I feel like.

32:41

Well, that too. You know,

32:43

I gotta get out of this bar. Well, yeah. Well,

32:46

you're a celebrity now, so that's different. Like women

32:48

are gonna look at you longingly

32:50

all of the time. Like they're,

32:52

it's true. When I

32:54

started podcasting, having an online

32:56

store was the furthest thing from my mind.

33:00

We started just selling a shirt and then

33:02

people wanted another shirt. And we

33:04

said, well, dang, we'll give you another shirt. And

33:07

before you know it, I'm selling hoodies

33:09

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33:12

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33:15

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33:17

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raise. Girls

35:53

like you know yeah well I

35:55

know some girls like me

35:57

but it's like I'm not

36:00

I'm not It has

36:02

not made dating people any easier. No I

36:04

said that doesn't change things It

36:07

makes getting your dick sucked

36:09

easier. No, it doesn't even make that easier I don't

36:11

think a lot of times because it's like you're worried

36:13

like Say you want to

36:15

meet somebody right and so then you meet up you

36:17

go on a date or something. You're always afraid that

36:20

They're gonna videotape you or try and like

36:22

take advantage of you like I'll be breakfast

36:24

And I'll see videos later online where people

36:26

have like video. I see you all the

36:28

time Very

36:31

nervous, you know it makes you

36:34

not trust people and it makes you question Yeah,

36:37

I can only imagine. I'm glad that I haven't

36:39

reached that level yet where I feel like what are

36:41

you talking about dude? I know there's

36:43

always somebody every time I scroll through

36:45

tick-tock you're yelling about your pussy or

36:47

something That's probably true, but it's the algorithm

36:49

has found you I'm not like right now I'm

36:52

going through having like a moment where I'm being

36:54

more recognizable, but prior to this week I don't

36:56

think it was at a level of what you

36:58

deal with where people are filming you and stuff.

37:00

That's gotta feel weird Yeah,

37:03

well, I think here's the thing. I didn't realize is I I Also,

37:06

not entertain. It's like then I feel like I have

37:08

to entertain cuz you want to be like a motherfucker

37:10

Yeah, they're doing cuz then you're like a bag

37:13

of gonna look at this guy's a bad guy

37:16

One video of you being a dick.

37:18

Yeah Whatever and

37:20

people were like knew he was back on the

37:22

dust. Yeah, whatever you Fuck,

37:24

huh? Do you read that shit? I don't read all of

37:26

it, but I have a stuff you can't miss it,

37:29

of course Yeah, and then it doesn't matter if you

37:31

don't read it You're like you then you just your

37:33

mind wanders to what they could be saying It's usually

37:35

worse than what they even are. It's like yeah, that's

37:37

gotta feel shitty I've seen yeah, some people like bombard

37:39

you before and you're always funny and you're always nice

37:43

Yeah, but but also you are someone that

37:45

people just feel so close to and feel

37:47

so connected to and feel like you're

37:49

looking out for them and that you care about them that people

37:51

are just But also you're

37:54

someone who's even if they

37:56

film you in your natural habitat and you don't know you're being

37:58

filmed I trust you to be someone you're just It's not someone

38:00

that's gonna be like so different than you are here.

38:02

Yeah. Yeah It's like I'm gonna be buying

38:04

a slave or something or doing something, you know, or You

38:08

know burying somebody But

38:11

yeah, I think well I think it's and I'm not

38:13

complaining I love getting to meet people I think it

38:15

has been interesting those songs when it gets to levels

38:17

of where you really did some people do have

38:19

to buy slaves There's a slave. There's a human slave

38:22

trade. I mean you see it in bathrooms. Like if

38:24

you see a slate like yeah Yeah,

38:30

I mean they're everywhere but then Miami To

38:34

exchange money to buy people all the

38:36

time that's crazy and imagine

38:38

you have to imagine getting all that cash out

38:40

of an ATM do you have must have to

38:44

How much how much is a I don't even know if

38:46

we can look it up How much is a person on

38:48

the internet? This is horrible. We we honestly this

38:51

Because I have no idea. I would

38:54

guess you could buy a person Um

38:57

How much is a $20,000 $10,000 probably in some markets? It's

39:01

so sad average cost right here of

39:04

Russian mail-order brides, which I'm not saying

39:06

is walk out and this is way different I mean, this

39:08

is where you would is it huh? I

39:10

want to just denote that we're not talking

39:13

about the same. We haven't yes We're not

39:15

saying hey a Russian mail-order bride now somebody

39:17

that Enjoyed

39:19

farming in the past or whatever. Mm-hmm.

39:22

This is average cost of a

39:24

Russian mail-order bride $500

39:26

to $4,500 Wow. Yeah, I

39:29

thought it would be I'm aging out of Russian bride Fuck

39:33

I hate this. This is bums me out so much

39:35

when I made out of slave like being a Traffic.

39:38

Yeah, I'm out. Oh, no one wants to traffic

39:40

me that could be your next special untrafficking Please

39:44

it's so good. So that is the exact age.

39:46

I'm at where it's like you just I'm

39:48

not worried about it I know young girls that like

39:50

do worry about it. Yeah getting

39:53

stolen. Yeah Well, let me say this

39:55

ladies if you're at the gas station some guys like

39:57

hey We helped me look for something in the trunk

39:59

of my car and you get in there, dude,

40:02

you shouldn't get in there. You

40:05

know what I'm saying? It's

40:07

like... You're

40:09

so fucking funny. Some of it's

40:12

basic rules of companionship. You

40:18

know what I was gonna say? I was gonna say

40:20

something that was interesting. Oh, Russian bride, sorry. You

40:22

know the percentage of people that had

40:25

slaves. What percentage of people owned slaves

40:27

in America? I'm

40:31

gonna say... Yes, yeah, don't hit it yet. 1973 or what are you talking

40:33

about? No, no, no. Like

40:36

at the peak of slaves. I

40:40

would say... Honestly,

40:43

just the wealthy. I would say 50% because it was probably... There

40:46

was more wealth back then. I

40:48

would say 5% or less. Oh,

40:51

yeah, okay. Only

40:57

25% owned slaves, but slavery factored heavily in the

40:59

economy of all the colonies. Wow. Wow.

41:04

We also don't know if this is a... Yeah, we

41:06

don't know what this is

41:08

referencing exactly. It seems

41:10

like a statistic that should be readily

41:12

available. Oh, he posted

41:14

one life circulating only 1% of white Southerners owned

41:16

slaves, but the 1% of white Southern families owned

41:18

200 or more human beings. But in

41:20

states of the Confederacy, at least 20% owned at least one.

41:24

And in Mississippi and South Carolina ran as high

41:26

as 50%. Wow, you're right. Jesus.

41:30

Man. Yeah. I mean,

41:32

we all like wear things and use things

41:35

that are made by slaves. Like we all

41:37

participate in it. This

41:39

skirt was made by a slave, someone who is not

41:41

getting paid a lot and working back breaking hours in

41:43

some country. Like it's just the way that it is.

41:46

We're so fucking lucky. Or

41:49

we don't. I mean, we are. We are to not

41:51

be doing that. We're the luckiest people

41:53

that have maybe ever lived in the history of humankind. We're

41:55

in the top .000. Yeah.

42:00

1% of luckiness for sure, but I just

42:02

mean as a overall society or I mean that's

42:05

that's why I was going I still don't feel

42:07

like oh just because some woman my age is

42:10

A slave over there that like I can't complain about

42:12

my life I don't feel that because I feel like

42:14

you know there's problems with my life

42:16

too that are just you know yeah And

42:19

it's all about if she was my shoes. It's

42:21

all relative. Yeah, she made yeah I Don't

42:26

dare try them on she already

42:29

walked a mile in To

42:32

break them in to like give them

42:34

that worn look that you pay extra for I'd

42:39

walk a mile in hers, but I don't want to wear you know

42:42

I'm gonna cop you it's sad Oh,

42:45

you got a laugh about it because

42:47

you have to laugh about it the other day I'm not making

42:49

excuses for being like I'm making an appropriate joke

42:51

laughing at slaves Literally what the

42:54

fuck am I supposed to do otherwise at least

42:56

I'm talking about it. Yeah like

42:58

it's at least it's something I feel

43:00

yeah the other day was with some black eyes

43:02

this other black I came up and there said

43:05

damn Larry looked like a slave and

43:07

I was like and everybody laughed You know I

43:09

wrote a joke for the the roast that was

43:11

about Andrew

43:13

Schultz that was like you

43:17

What's this look you've got going you look like a

43:19

plantation owner that wants his slaves to think he's cool

43:23

Which is like a great joke, but

43:26

the word slave like just turns people off

43:28

It was too high risk to like drop

43:30

that word and I at first I was

43:32

seeing a slave owner that wants his slaves to Think he's

43:34

cool, but then I did it in finesse Mitchell a

43:37

black man well saw me do it at the

43:39

laugh factory and he suggested make it plantation owner

43:41

just to like take some of because yeah The

43:44

black community I guess does not even like to mention

43:46

that word Which is something I didn't of course of

43:48

course they don't but I wasn't even like thinking that

43:51

yeah That could be offensive or just like it's

43:53

just not a cool thing. Oh, you got a liberal way

43:55

like that Yeah, yeah, but I wouldn't have thought about

43:57

that. Well. I don't know maybe that's really me being so

43:59

so naive and just a dumb white bitch, but

44:02

I didn't know that, but now I do. Yeah.

44:04

Well, that's not the perfect picture for that, what I

44:07

was just saying, but that's... You get

44:09

it. Yeah, let's talk about the roast. Congratulations.

44:12

Thanks. First of all, you were so

44:14

funny. Thanks. And not that you weren't going

44:16

to be, but I think it's a tough environment to do it

44:18

in. I

44:21

had one experience with a roast, right? Yeah,

44:23

tell me. Nothing in comparison to yours, but

44:25

I realized something about it. It was probably

44:27

like eight years ago or 12 years ago or something.

44:30

It was like, who was on it? It

44:32

was like, I

44:34

think it was like a lot

44:36

of B-list or D-list celebrities type of people.

44:38

Where was it? It was like

44:41

Tila Tequila. It was like... Was

44:43

it 4 Networks? Germaine Dupri, I think maybe was

44:45

on it. I don't know who else was on

44:47

it. Was

44:50

this a VH1, MTV, Comedy Central? What's

44:52

the vibe? No. Oh, no, it

44:54

was just a fundraiser somewhere. Oh, okay. So

44:56

not like films, never going to exist anywhere, but

44:58

still. But still, right? And it was like,

45:00

oh, that lady, Octormom or whatever that had all

45:02

the children or whatever? Oh my God, Natalie Pulliman

45:04

or yeah, yeah. Yeah, she had like 30 children

45:07

or something. Oh my God, this is a great

45:09

roast fodder. You think it's funny and easy, it's

45:11

going to be cool, but then you get up

45:13

there and the people are right there. And

45:16

you're like, oh my God, this is

45:18

going to hurt some people's feelings and

45:20

I have to say this stuff. So

45:22

that was when I realized how, what

45:25

a tough moment it is. Do

45:28

you feel that when you're doing it? I

45:31

thought, no, I don't

45:33

actually. If

45:35

you sign up for a roast, like I understand

45:37

maybe the first roast that ever happened and

45:39

I would feel bad because like, what is this? And

45:41

I wrote all these jokes, but like go watch roast

45:44

compilations. That's what's coming at you. If you agreed to

45:46

do this, you are opening yourself up to

45:48

that. What if you sign up for a contest, say

45:50

you sign up for something where somebody's going to call

45:52

you a F-A-G-G-O-T, right? You sign up for it. Somebody's

45:54

like, that's the thing you want to sign up. You're

45:56

like, yeah, I'll sign up for it, dude. And it

45:58

seems chill or whatever your backseat. Yeah, that sounds like

46:00

a good time. Yeah, your backstage practice and or whatever,

46:02

like how you're gonna react when they call you. Yeah, yeah,

46:05

yeah, yeah. But then you go out there. It's literally

46:07

Tom Brady in the bowels of the Kia

46:09

Forum the other night is practicing what to

46:11

look like when they call him that word.

46:13

Probably, yes, that's what I heard, is that he

46:15

was nervous before, and he's probably more worried

46:18

about his own set than thinking about the reactions, but I

46:20

think that's a part of being on

46:22

a roast where you have to think about what you're gonna do when

46:24

they make fun of you. Yeah. Yeah.

46:26

I can't hide my feelings, I think it would be tough. Yeah, it

46:28

is tough, that's why I'm so glad that I was,

46:31

like next time they'll come at me hard because I'll

46:33

be known, but this time no one knows me, so

46:35

no one came at me. I mean, there were a

46:37

couple jokes, but nothing, but that consistent every person's gonna

46:39

hit you, I would hate that. I'm

46:41

gonna hate that. And it will be,

46:44

I'll be older, my face will have more

46:46

things in it that will make it look weird for people

46:48

to make fun, like, you know, like there'll be more fodder,

46:51

and it will hurt a lot, a lot.

46:53

So you agree though that there's some pain there. Oh,

46:56

so much pain, but I did, like I

46:58

said, before when I've been doing roast,

47:00

I never thought about people's feelings. And I think the

47:02

last roast I did was five years ago, and in

47:04

that time I think I've worked on myself enough to

47:07

have empathy and like not wanna hurt people, and so

47:09

this time I was really worried about it. And like,

47:11

I'm not saying this joke about Jeff Ross, it's too

47:13

mean, and I don't even believe it. I don't wanna

47:15

say this joke about Bert Kreischer only having one joke,

47:18

I don't even feel that way, but it's like, my

47:20

friends kept reminding me, it's a roast, this is what

47:22

it is, and they signed up for it. Don't pull

47:24

back, it's just, it's just, so

47:26

I just, but I fought it a lot. There

47:28

were some jokes I didn't do just be, and wouldn't even say here

47:30

because I was just like, they come from such a mean

47:33

place, and I could never, ever say that to someone's

47:35

face. But five years ago, I definitely would have done

47:37

that joke. Really, so you think you were toned

47:39

down this time? Yeah, I mean, but in

47:41

the right way. Like, I think it resonated because I

47:43

hit the exact right tone. Like you do that slave

47:46

joke, and I could have lost people because they're just

47:48

like, what did she say, slave? Like, the

47:50

set was built perfectly and worded. Don't say it

47:52

anymore. Yeah, I know. It was

47:54

built perfectly so that it didn't

47:57

affect, but I didn't pull back,

47:59

I found ways. to like go just as hard in the way that I

48:01

wanted to, I think. Yeah. Oh

48:03

yeah, I thought it was really masterful. I,

48:05

um. Thanks man. Yeah, it was really, really

48:07

cool. And then yeah, you just see you

48:09

everywhere and everybody's like, she killed it. Really?

48:12

Big bitch is it. She's the fucking honky

48:14

cardi B people are saying. All

48:17

kinds of stuff. I haven't read that yet, but that's cool. Yeah, it's

48:19

great stuff. Yeah, no, like, it's cool that, it's

48:21

like what I've found is- She's a

48:23

new Betsy Ross, somebody wrote something. Whoa. I

48:26

don't even, wait, it's like Betsy, like 1800s

48:29

Betsy Ross? Yeah,

48:31

the lady that made the fricking flag. The flag. Oh

48:34

my God, let's get a, yeah. Thank

48:36

you, that is, that feels really good. I heard

48:38

she was a bitch too, dude. 1700s Betsy Ross, my bad.

48:41

Like you, my buddy, said his

48:43

great grandfather knew her and she

48:46

was a chatty B dude. Oh

48:48

yeah, look at her. And she lived

48:50

forever and people were like, well this

48:52

chatty B just died. She made one

48:54

cool- She would have had a podcast.

48:58

A hit podcast. That's true, huh? Call

49:00

her Betty. Yeah, call

49:02

her Betty. She would have had it, man.

49:05

But they, like, she probably said five sentences

49:07

a day and they're like, she was chatty,

49:10

you know? And she probably was just like,

49:12

can I get some water? You

49:14

know, Rick's wife made that flag

49:16

and she's been real chatty since

49:18

then. She looks so

49:21

quiet. Thankfully, my wife's missing.

49:23

Yeah, it was

49:26

different times back then, dude. You could

49:28

just kill your wife. Well,

49:30

you cannot. And do not say that. Do not

49:32

get that out there. No, like, not now. Please

49:35

don't. You're gonna get caught. But

49:37

back then, like, you could do anything.

49:40

It was so, like, that's,

49:42

I've been talking a lot about, like, on stage

49:44

about the desire to have

49:46

kids or not have kids and how I

49:49

think that a lot of the feeling that when women

49:51

tell me, like, you gotta do it, you know? And

49:53

I know they're just trying to get other women. Like,

49:55

when you're not having a good time, you're like, other

49:57

people, will you do this too? There's a part

49:59

of it. rewarding in its own way.

50:01

But I think a lot of it, they actually

50:03

do believe it's so rewarding, but you, I think

50:05

at some point you have to convince yourself that

50:07

it is because you have no other option. You

50:10

have to like it. You can't let

50:12

in that this is a regret because you can't take it

50:14

back. You can let in that you regret marrying your husband

50:16

because there's an out or, oh, I bought

50:18

this house or even this tattoo I got. You can

50:20

let in a little regret when you're like, oh, I

50:22

can get it removed. Kid,

50:24

you just have to, you have to convince yourself you

50:27

like it. And I think you do actually end up

50:29

liking it because of that, but I think it's because

50:31

there's no out. What do you think? Well,

50:33

I, yeah, it's almost like going

50:35

to prison in a way kind of, but you,

50:37

yeah, because you can't be the guy

50:39

in prison. It's every day like, man, prison

50:42

sucks, huh? So right. Yeah. We're like,

50:44

dude, shut the fuck up. I've been in

50:46

here for 21 and a half

50:49

more years. Yes. But if you have a

50:51

life sentence, like it would

50:53

just, you would just, it would be your life. I

50:55

think I could probably accept it if there was just

50:57

no getting out. I'd like a life sentence better than I

50:59

would like you get out in 40 years. Oh, when you

51:01

think it's your choice and you could appeal and like there,

51:03

yes. Cause none of your chicks, either. If you

51:05

hit them up, when you get out, bro, it's a rat,

51:08

dude. They're going to be like 40 years. Oh yeah.

51:10

Well, hopefully you have a pen

51:12

pal that you've been lubin on at you like, and

51:14

then there's someone waiting for you because, but as soon

51:16

as you're available, they don't want to like

51:18

as, as a woman who's attracted to unavailable men, as soon

51:20

as a guy would get out of prison, I'd be like,

51:23

I just think we should be friends. Like I would, you know,

51:26

all that stuff I said I was going to do with you.

51:28

Yeah. I'm just not into it anymore because now you're free. But

51:30

I, there's a part of me that understands when women like are

51:32

attracted to guys that have life sentences, they can

51:35

never be with them. Wow. Fear of intimacy.

51:37

That guy will never get to know me,

51:39

never touch me. And I can just dream about

51:41

it. And I can tell everybody

51:43

about it. It's a great story. Yes. I'm

51:46

the hero. Yeah. Yeah. Or I'm the

51:48

psycho who likes this guy who murdered his wife

51:50

and has convinced myself that he wouldn't do that

51:52

to me if he had a chance. Yeah. Yeah.

51:54

More than I want that kind of, or I

51:56

want to be the one that's like, he wouldn't

51:58

murder me. They murdered everyone else. Like I

52:00

remember hearing about this like yeah, there's no way

52:02

you get a murder made it. Oh Ben Affleck

52:04

What was it? What was he like? I'm always

52:06

a fascinating such a fan you didn't know

52:08

he just we didn't need it even Brady before

52:11

the Show began we just like got miked got

52:13

sat and then all of a sudden the show

52:15

starts Is that one of the reason they do it you

52:17

think so there's no no because then I

52:19

guess maybe this is a different production company This time different

52:22

network. It used to be Comedy Central We would all hang

52:24

out a little bit before like five minutes before you'd shake

52:26

their hand like the guy you're about to roast But there

52:28

was none of that this time and then after like I

52:30

think just wanted in and out because he didn't want anyone

52:32

to Even know he was there to be roasted And I

52:35

think he was supposed to stay on stage after he got

52:37

done But he fucked it he booked it

52:39

out of there because Tom referenced him in his set at

52:41

some point And it was written

52:43

in the prompter as if Ben would still be there and he

52:45

was gone So I think either he got out because it didn't

52:47

go the way he wanted it to or he got out because

52:49

he's like I didn't realize it was gonna

52:51

be this kind of thing I'm I'm not gonna

52:53

sit there and get jokes told about me. Damn.

52:55

So but yeah, it was that was Weird

52:59

so he was just in and out in and out.

53:01

Yeah And yeah, what was

53:03

it like when he was up there? What's it like? When

53:05

somebody's up there and they are trying something right

53:07

and it's maybe not being perceived or going over

53:10

as well, right? We all do that. Yeah, trying

53:12

a new joke. It's a brave way to do

53:14

it It just sucks for him that in the

53:16

reason his set went poorly Is

53:18

because he committed to a joke that

53:21

is the whole like if the joke doesn't work

53:23

the whole sets gone because the whole set Was

53:25

this one premise of I'm reading a tweet and

53:27

I'm talking back to this guy So

53:29

if it the first joke bombs the whole that's what's

53:31

based He didn't switch to another joke like for me

53:33

one of my joke bombs I can get it back

53:36

in the next one totally different reset But his was

53:38

all about this one thing so much risk it was

53:40

it was it was not a good Something

53:44

either he didn't prepare well enough or something happened,

53:46

but it was just but it could have happened

53:48

to anyone It's just yeah, it happened to him

53:50

and it sucked. He's always been a

53:52

risk taker though I feel like yeah, and he

53:55

doesn't give a fuck like no one's even talking about

53:57

whatever that was like it'll be forgotten He'll be fine,

53:59

and he is a I like that he even did

54:01

it. And he had a point

54:03

of view. You can tell it

54:05

like he, the whole premise of it was like, I, Tom

54:08

handed me his phone one day and I saw his

54:11

messages and I couldn't even fathom what the hate he

54:13

was getting. So we started talking to

54:15

one of those people that was tweeting at him. And

54:17

you could tell he was just really, that was his

54:19

vendetta. He wanted to say something to the

54:21

fans because he's been attacked so much. So it was a good premise. Like

54:25

he wanted to get something out that was inside of him.

54:27

It just didn't come out the right way. But it was

54:29

a good premise, I think. That

54:32

was personal for him and obviously to Tom of getting so much hate. But

54:35

it doesn't resonate with other people because we don't,

54:38

most people aren't getting hate online and are just

54:40

like, I don't care. Most people

54:42

are writing the hate. Exactly. We

54:44

as comedians are always talking about, do you read the hate

54:46

and stuff? People can't relate to that. People aren't getting this

54:48

kind of, there's a

54:50

lot of influences out there, but it's not a

54:53

relatable thing. I

54:55

guess if you have like 400 followers,

54:57

and that would be a lot for just a normal

55:00

person. If you know that many people that are following you. If

55:02

you get like 14 likes on something, that's

55:04

good. Are you getting sad if you get

55:06

seven? It's probably just all the same. You're

55:10

not as obsessed with that stuff. Some

55:12

people don't even have that shit to create themselves. Yeah,

55:14

I'll get some things that will be like, bet your

55:17

son will be a F-A-G or whatever. And

55:19

then it'll be like, go Raiders or

55:21

whatever. Go Jett. And

55:24

you're like, what is this about? Is this a

55:27

DraftKings advertisement? What is this?

55:31

That's a crazy thing, dude. Spring

55:34

has sprung, baby. We're spraying.

55:36

It's, it's, it's

55:39

spraying. You know it. And

55:41

whether that means stocking up on cleaning

55:44

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now I bought a is

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better, H-E-L-P,

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help.com/T-H-E-O. Was

58:13

it better having the Comedy Central run the

58:15

rose or was it better with Netflix? It

58:18

was different. I think because this was live, I

58:20

was just like, why are they gonna do this?

58:22

Like, why are they gonna do this live? Because

58:24

it was an event. That's why everyone

58:26

watched it. If this would have been just like something

58:28

that aired later on, I don't think it would have

58:31

been this good because everyone was like, what

58:33

the fuck, this is live? It was really crazy.

58:35

And that's why in past

58:38

rose, I've done this well before

58:40

in past rose, I feel. But after

58:42

it's edited, everyone looks like they did

58:44

that good because of the

58:47

magic of editing. So I've never had this kind

58:49

of splash. Not that I've been like, why

58:51

didn't more people say I was good? I never

58:53

even thought to think that. But I was like,

58:55

this to me was like a same that I've

58:58

done on everyone. But it was just like, I

59:00

just did a set that wasn't edited that looked

59:02

edited because I knew it wouldn't be edited. So

59:04

I didn't have the benefit of, I'll

59:06

tell that joke and they'll just cut it if it doesn't go well.

59:08

So I just had to make it like perfect. Good for you, dude.

59:10

Thanks, man. Way to think something through. Something's just

59:13

so hard to figure out all those little angles and

59:15

piece them all together. It's really tough. It's, you know,

59:17

and I got so much advice from my friends who work

59:19

in production and who work in live production. My

59:22

friends who are just good writers, good roast writers.

59:24

Like, I just got like a lot of advice

59:26

of like, how to frame it and tell

59:29

a story and, cause you

59:31

could just get up there and just tell the best jokes and

59:33

like pick the best ones. And that would be a great set,

59:35

but there's other elements to it too that make it fun and

59:39

can make it just more palatable, I guess. Yeah,

59:41

I think your level of confidence too, having

59:43

had done it a lot, I think definitely

59:46

helps. Also Comedy Central was horribly late to

59:48

the social media game. Can you believe Comedy Central's

59:50

still on? On what? I

59:52

think they have one, one show. They have two

59:54

shows, three original shows right now. I think they

59:57

have South Park, Aquafina, and.

1:00:00

One other animations of doesn't That's all.

1:00:02

there was no programming. Well it like

1:00:04

how different is that? the even tenure

1:00:06

like it's insane. Would you had com you're

1:00:08

the one thing that a comedy or title what's

1:00:11

we talked about that allow on here are they

1:00:13

kind of jobs while but yet the biggest thing

1:00:15

that did it was they with later social media

1:00:17

they would really late to a day when later

1:00:19

internet see I just were late to that whole

1:00:21

game Yes ah. You. Know

1:00:23

the. And daily South Side have daily

1:00:25

so of sorry they have ah yes

1:00:27

I said daily So ah cuisine at

1:00:29

Dig Man and South Park. That's it.

1:00:31

That's nuts basis so much Yeah. We

1:00:34

tend to just say to have people are really

1:00:36

wants but ah, but they were late and I

1:00:38

think that didn't help as well. So as if

1:00:40

Roasters did great for people to see it as

1:00:42

easily. Yeah was like them. I blew up

1:00:44

from the roast because of clips that when

1:00:46

sick I came around right? That's when people

1:00:49

notice me from the the original. Role in

1:00:51

Netflix make good cause him There clips is what glossier

1:00:53

a city know even as compared to stuff is your

1:00:55

cup. For some reason they. They

1:00:57

just do it. if they do a better job of it's

1:00:59

yeah and then Tom Brady is so high profile you to

1:01:01

so you realize it. Yeah, What? I didn't even wanna

1:01:03

do a roast again Like I don't know. Ninety of

1:01:06

roasting like the Jonas Brothers doesn't even ask me to

1:01:08

do that Ross But one that was I was like

1:01:10

oh that's the level without a did that when yeah,

1:01:12

wouldn't with was fun and I probably would entertain it

1:01:14

but it was like it. It's. I just

1:01:17

put myself not to be made fun of

1:01:19

like it's not worth it. To me, that's

1:01:21

not a big deal and Cumbrian like this

1:01:23

is a big deal. Swipe. I. Wrote

1:01:25

ah I think Robbie Prof the

1:01:28

guy at Netflix who books every

1:01:30

once and nom. I I

1:01:32

think I wrote to him and or he wrote

1:01:34

to me about something else and I go ants

1:01:36

I saw the somebody rouse This is like six

1:01:38

months ago While I was like i want that.

1:01:41

And. He was like I'm actually meeting with some pretty soon. I

1:01:43

was like. Hell Tom. I'm

1:01:46

the Tom Brady of roasting and that it's It's

1:01:48

not gonna be a Tom Brady roast without the dust

1:01:50

roster of their as right now. And I did. I

1:01:52

believe that at the time. Like

1:01:55

but I know and what I meant was

1:01:57

I'll work the hardest You. Like.

1:01:59

i I might be a six round draft pick, but

1:02:01

I'll fucking, I'll prove to

1:02:04

everyone by working hard. I won't, I will not take

1:02:06

this lightly. This is a big opportunity. And so I

1:02:08

don't even know if he communicated that to him, but

1:02:10

I did, I remember, I never talked

1:02:12

myself up in that way. I'm really not very good at

1:02:14

being like, I can do this, but I really did feel

1:02:16

like I could. And so I thought, oh, if I can

1:02:18

appeal to Tom's sense of, I

1:02:20

have work ethic like you do, and I won't

1:02:23

phone this in, you're a big deal. Get

1:02:26

me. And so when I got it, I was like, you

1:02:30

have to give it everything. Right, if you ask for

1:02:32

the ball, you have to fucking, you have to shoot.

1:02:34

Everything, yes. So the amount of, I worked

1:02:36

on that. I don't love working that hard,

1:02:38

but you just have to ask for help. You

1:02:40

just have to have, ask for help in

1:02:42

terms of like, stopping other things and having

1:02:44

people protect you from getting overworked. And

1:02:46

were you wearing panties up there or not, to

1:02:48

be honest? Oh yeah, totally. Oh yeah, you got

1:02:51

it. Absolutely, I was wearing, I was actually, yeah.

1:02:53

Did you think about what panties you wear? Cause

1:02:55

Tom Brady is gonna be there. Do you, is

1:02:59

that a perverted thing to answer? No, not at all actually.

1:03:01

I think, no, it really, I

1:03:04

think, yeah, you kind of do think, and

1:03:06

you know what, if there's no chance I'm having sex,

1:03:08

I really don't give a shit. You know, and like

1:03:10

no one's gonna see, I don't care. So I don't

1:03:12

think, I think that I wanted them to be black

1:03:14

in case they, something happened and they show, but there

1:03:16

was no chance of them showing. My skirt wasn't as

1:03:18

short as it may have looked. If your vagina

1:03:20

hair gets real long, do women comb it or

1:03:23

whatever? I don't know, I might

1:03:25

never get that long enough to think about, you

1:03:27

probably try to tuck it up, I would think,

1:03:31

into the underwear, but no, but

1:03:34

if, yeah, I definitely would, if

1:03:37

I was like out and I was like, I'm gonna have sex

1:03:39

and I didn't prepare for this and I was wearing like a

1:03:41

bad thong, I would just wear a, I would just take it

1:03:43

off and throw it away because I'd rather be wearing none than

1:03:45

like a disappointing pair, even though I know most men don't even

1:03:47

fucking care. Give it to a stray animal, I'm getting

1:03:50

my little tree done. You're holding a dew on, yeah.

1:03:52

Hey, bubbles, you wanna party a little tonight? Go get

1:03:54

your rocks off, little pony. Did

1:03:57

you, was there part of you that thinks I may have

1:03:59

a chance? I mean you're an attractive lady. You're

1:04:01

very funny actually look kind of like Giselle You know

1:04:04

that's really nice of you and people are gonna

1:04:06

comment that he was on one when he said

1:04:08

that but I will say No

1:04:11

on that dog exactly well, I will

1:04:13

say that I I have

1:04:16

a boyfriend so I was like no, but I

1:04:18

understand yeah He

1:04:21

would have been for Tom. Yeah, who's

1:04:23

not gonna leave him for him But

1:04:25

if I bang Tom like I think he'd probably

1:04:27

be like you gotta do it Yeah,

1:04:29

get in there like but I that it wasn't

1:04:31

in my I really did not think that but

1:04:33

yeah I mean like I will say

1:04:35

that you know I've done these rows before and that

1:04:38

last time I was single and I like I did

1:04:40

a bunch of jokes about wanting to Fuck Blake Griffin

1:04:42

because he was gonna be there and I would I

1:04:44

mean I would he's an attractive man I was single

1:04:46

so I was like I'll throw in jokes about that

1:04:48

and just see what happened Yeah, you know like I

1:04:50

really want it's a joke But yeah, was there a

1:04:52

little bit of like I would maybe like try

1:04:54

me like I'm not like just gonna do Oh, oh, he'll

1:04:56

fuck me in a bat like if he

1:04:59

wants to and like he's charming like it's a way to flirt It's

1:05:02

definitely a way to open the conversation.

1:05:04

Yeah, so yeah. Oh my god. Okay.

1:05:06

I can see kind of see it I mean, that's my goal like

1:05:08

my Giselle's the prettiest person that's ever lived So

1:05:12

I could get to a 9.2 if I keep getting the

1:05:14

right kind of work in doctors I could maybe get to

1:05:16

looking like her like, you know, her half

1:05:18

sister or something like that Yeah,

1:05:21

like Giselle Yeah,

1:05:28

yeah Like

1:05:33

I'm trying to think of another one Zell

1:05:38

but like the way you pay people yeah, yeah,

1:05:40

yeah, yeah like that's the

1:05:42

ultimate hooker named Giselle That's

1:05:47

great That would have been

1:05:49

a good roast. You'll come maybe good. That's good. No,

1:05:51

you've got it. You good fucking I was

1:05:53

thinking your brain to write like next time I

1:05:55

do a roast I'm just gonna be like can I just send pictures

1:05:57

of these people and you just tell me the first thing that comes

1:05:59

to your mind Because you say you're the funniest you're one

1:06:01

of the funniest people to ever lived like you are

1:06:03

a mate You would be amazing at roast jokes. You're

1:06:05

able to just like look at something and break it

1:06:07

down in a way that Yeah,

1:06:09

yes, you do know I mean like you've

1:06:12

just been maybe you don't know but the

1:06:14

way your mind works and process of things

1:06:16

is so Fucking elite and cool and yeah,

1:06:18

whenever I'm feeling not funny. I'll watch Some

1:06:22

of your like compilations and stuff of just how you

1:06:24

talk and how you think and it gets my mind

1:06:26

into a place of like More being more creative. Oh,

1:06:28

that's sweet of you Like I don't know if you

1:06:30

ever feel that way like the people you're around like

1:06:32

make me funnier like I absorb it Oh, I

1:06:34

think that's so there's a lot of truth to that. It's funny

1:06:36

cuz and thank you No,

1:06:39

it's true your stuff you to say I think there was

1:06:41

a time when my brain was really good and something happened

1:06:43

in My brain I think I might be getting a disease

1:06:45

or something. No way Now

1:06:47

you're sharp as ever. Oh, I don't know.

1:06:49

I live in here. I live in here

1:06:51

Like I just feel like a

1:06:53

lot of times all my brain used to just

1:06:56

give me like the craziest like best idea And

1:06:58

it wouldn't even surprise me. Yeah, and now this

1:07:00

motherfuckers. You might be used to it though. I

1:07:03

don't know I haven't sense to dip

1:07:05

off from you make me

1:07:07

laugh. That's what I was thinking today I it's like sometimes you sit

1:07:09

in here and you have fun and this is one of those times

1:07:12

Well making you laugh is a privilege, but I always just

1:07:14

come in here. I'm like, I'm not even gonna try to

1:07:16

be funny I just want to like laugh because it I

1:07:18

I actually I'm on I'm on

1:07:21

reddit a lot and people comedian subreddit

1:07:23

full. Oh thinking

1:07:25

of a How

1:07:29

many The

1:07:32

more milligrams are reddit somebody know what

1:07:34

they're doing, dude No, I only do

1:07:36

it at night after a long day like

1:07:38

I will I love reddit But they'll show

1:07:40

me a lot of my friend comedians and

1:07:42

I kind of see their subreddits and

1:07:45

yours is like so beloved And then and people like love

1:07:47

you so much and I've part like not participated in it

1:07:49

But I've like read through it and like some of your

1:07:51

sometimes I just go through and they'll be like what's your

1:07:54

favorite? See you ism, and I'll just like read them. It's

1:07:56

you're brilliant I don't mean to fan out,

1:07:58

but I'm just saying like when I came in I'm

1:08:00

like, oh, I'm just gonna like laugh the whole time.

1:08:02

That's what it is. You and Tim Dylan that episode

1:08:04

fuck it I've won't let me do it a

1:08:06

couple times. Oh you both you know But

1:08:10

he's next I mean his next level you guys are on

1:08:12

the same level. I saw him at a dessert

1:08:14

place or whatever a dessert banquet it might

1:08:16

have even been like a like

1:08:19

a like a dog show but for desserts,

1:08:21

you know, okay, and it was like a

1:08:26

And he was there he was a Fuck

1:08:28

that me. Okay He

1:08:31

was like man that we did something that

1:08:33

day didn't we dude ever

1:08:35

I talked about about it so often And

1:08:37

I just like to someone recently who was

1:08:39

like Theo and Tim and we were quoting

1:08:41

pieces of it where you guys were talking

1:08:43

about Those the uber eats drivers The

1:08:47

door dash. Yeah, you had

1:08:49

some great lines in that like you guys you

1:08:51

both were just on fire. It was so fun

1:08:53

Oh my god, that was such a great episode

1:08:56

Thank you, it's too often more often this has been

1:08:58

fun. I got to go do his show He's like,

1:09:00

let's let it simmer. Let's let it go. We want

1:09:02

more. He's made a good steak He's like just let

1:09:05

it you know, let's raise the calf. No, no,

1:09:07

no Don't raise the calf because there's

1:09:09

no amount that we as fans I'm

1:09:12

a fan of both of yours in the same

1:09:14

way and I'm not like that with every comedian

1:09:16

like I'm not consuming their content but You

1:09:19

guys I would I would be like the

1:09:21

way I would be like Refreshing

1:09:24

when is this gonna be posted? I'd be

1:09:26

so excited. It's my favorite. He me. Yeah,

1:09:28

he makes me laugh Oh, yeah I've been lucky

1:09:30

to have some neat conversations of people and yeah

1:09:32

And then it's a good way to to get

1:09:34

to know people and then this is what I

1:09:36

start to realize Nikki It's like the most time

1:09:38

you get to spend sometimes in a real conversation

1:09:40

with some of the comedians is through podcasting This

1:09:42

is our hang right said the thing of

1:09:44

like did comedian did comedians have friendships before

1:09:46

podcasting? Like what did they do? Like yeah,

1:09:49

this this how I get to know people.

1:09:51

This is how this is the most we've

1:09:53

hung out We've gone to like dinner before

1:09:55

and stuff But like these are where we

1:09:57

have conversations that we would never have even

1:09:59

at dinner. Maybe Of just

1:10:01

like sitting and doing nothing else. We're not on our phones.

1:10:03

Yeah, what are you hanging with someone not on your phone?

1:10:06

So yeah, this is how I love podcasting

1:10:08

for the friendship that you get out of

1:10:10

it sometimes. Yeah, it's great Yeah,

1:10:12

and to get to catch up and yeah have

1:10:15

some moments in someone's life Um, yeah, do you

1:10:17

jockey for position with the roast on where you

1:10:19

get to be in the order? I tried, you

1:10:21

know, I said I want to go first. How does that work? You

1:10:24

just like wait for them to tell you what the fuck is

1:10:26

going on because I there's no like you don't

1:10:28

know a lot They're just like here's who's gonna be on

1:10:30

and then you find out like oh that person dropped out

1:10:33

a week ago I'm like, okay. Well, I've been writing about

1:10:35

them for like, can you tell me like it's kind of

1:10:37

like who dropped out Mike Tyson?

1:10:40

Um, someone else I'll tell you off

1:10:42

air. But yeah, like man or woman. I'm gonna

1:10:44

ask three men They were actually three men

1:10:46

that dropped off two comedians Mike

1:10:51

Tyson and then one celebrity Three

1:10:53

comedians Mike Tyson two comedians two

1:10:56

comedians. Mm-hmm. And they were men Yeah,

1:10:58

and I don't even know if they were confirmed. I maybe they

1:11:00

were the names that were floated. I wish oh

1:11:02

I cuz I I'm friends with him enough

1:11:04

to be like Don't drop out.

1:11:07

What are you doing? This is great

1:11:09

for you, you know, but no it wasn't it

1:11:11

wasn't him And I don't don't tell us

1:11:13

any names because I can't lie and I'll make you cut

1:11:15

it. I can't think of other people

1:11:18

Oh god, great. I'm so glad

1:11:20

your brain is doing exactly what you said it was doing I'm

1:11:22

telling you Dang

1:11:25

um Mike Tyson so he didn't want to do it

1:11:28

or he just could know he could have had something

1:11:30

that he had to go No, no I think at one

1:11:32

point Gronk was supposed to admit it he was on it

1:11:34

and then they took him off because he had to go

1:11:36

To a wedding and then he decided to come back on

1:11:38

and I was like, thank God. He made that roast So

1:11:40

it's like it wouldn't have been the same without him. So

1:11:42

I'm so glad he decided to do it the people that

1:11:44

dropped out Would have been great,

1:11:46

but it wasn't like they were weren't showstoppers right in terms

1:11:48

of like What's gonna happen

1:11:50

they would have killed though. I'm there's one in particular

1:11:52

that I'm like, come on, man What are you doing?

1:11:55

You should have done it and I think he's David

1:11:57

tell probably no, I Wish he would

1:11:59

be. You'd be amazing at it. I've never seen him do

1:12:01

a roast. That are thought to. But yeah, I

1:12:03

wanted to go first. Because I can I

1:12:06

am I am for oh I have to the house to. Open

1:12:08

it up and then I'm done and I can relax and just

1:12:10

enjoy the nice. I don't want to sit there all night likely

1:12:12

thinking about my sat and like I just want to be done.

1:12:14

I always wanna go first on shows. I I just don't want

1:12:16

to wait around and that. How I learned sexes.

1:12:20

You. Know is people with yeah girls that

1:12:22

because that is the I. Want them to

1:12:24

go first and then like so I don't have

1:12:26

to worry that they they gave me exactly that

1:12:28

of the event that yet your the thing that

1:12:31

yes let's all go get rewarded on young men

1:12:33

I can relax and get my stuff done. Oh

1:12:36

I see. Was like after I got you off

1:12:38

like now I feel like I can just relax if

1:12:40

I'm at it. well know if I think what you

1:12:42

saw someone and you like that all decides you after

1:12:44

this like a can't enjoy the besides can only get

1:12:46

some sauce is better for this. Like. That.

1:12:51

But. I ended up by yeah suffer for a

1:12:53

spot but you just I don't have any power. I

1:12:55

was just like I would like to really go first

1:12:57

if there's a chance for me and I'm a little

1:12:59

you just gonna look like in thing and they go.

1:13:01

I go. I think it would really behooves the sell

1:13:03

for me to go early. Had gone early three in

1:13:05

three different roles and it worked out but I don't

1:13:07

want to also be like the Lazarus. The company did

1:13:09

it this way for it because that they might go

1:13:11

with him. We're not doing it that way because we're

1:13:13

doing things differently. So we the privileges between the

1:13:15

commission for version of the networks were eating

1:13:17

welds one was it was law it was

1:13:20

live on to that made a totally different.

1:13:22

Yeah, I think I didn't think about this before, but after

1:13:24

the fact, like at you can say and like I

1:13:26

never censored myself but it would get bleeps and bleep. Things

1:13:28

aren't as funny as the saying at some of they

1:13:30

are. Some of the bleep is funnier than. The word

1:13:33

most ah but it was a hundred

1:13:35

percent live. like yeah, no way. so

1:13:37

scary. Set. Like I marketing you

1:13:39

I was hoped and I said before another podcast

1:13:41

on of his. I don't want to repeat myself,

1:13:44

but I think we'll get into something else with

1:13:46

this is that on. Dude.

1:13:48

I had my set locked in. It's in

1:13:50

the prompter I just gave at right before

1:13:52

we're going out. like a last minute. I'm

1:13:54

making changes to certain words. Everything is perfect.

1:13:56

I submit it. And. Out there and and

1:13:58

ah, kevin hart like One

1:14:00

of the jokes in my set and I have there's

1:14:02

nothing I can do there's no stop down There's no

1:14:04

commercials and I'm just like what do I do and I

1:14:07

just decided to tell it thankfully it was our

1:14:09

sets were Separated enough that I was like people might

1:14:11

forget that he said that but that was like there's

1:14:14

just there's just and oh Oh,

1:14:17

I haven't said this before Speaking

1:14:20

of underwear and I was gonna say this and then I go don't

1:14:22

say this but I think it's Yeah, I

1:14:24

think people need to know what is it? I

1:14:26

like right before my period ended like a day before

1:14:29

the rose and so I was like I'm good Like

1:14:31

I was took out the last one like I don't

1:14:33

know if you know how it works How many do you do

1:14:35

cuz they're almost like cigarettes. Oh, you don't do a whole pack. Do

1:14:37

you um sometimes like if you're really like

1:14:41

Yeah, oh you can go through not in a

1:14:43

day. It's in a day It's about three or

1:14:45

three two to four in a day

1:14:47

four on a very heavy day And maybe some girls

1:14:49

are fives and some days maybe a girl is a

1:14:51

wand of your yeah I thought there was just one and

1:14:53

then a couple days later you take it out. No

1:14:55

way really yeah Yeah, it's three or four

1:14:58

day. We all thought that really well This

1:15:00

is three or four and I know that

1:15:02

like it's like we're talking about it. Yeah,

1:15:04

you're gonna need the gum to quit dude That's

1:15:07

right Yeah, I

1:15:10

was doing my own Oh Wow,

1:15:13

no sir, but I like but yeah,

1:15:15

there's something no So

1:15:17

Barbara make a tampon they

1:15:19

they probably with some nicotine in it. That's a

1:15:21

way to absorb it I mean you there's one

1:15:24

you can soak vodka and get high from doing

1:15:26

that but I um So

1:15:28

I thought my last one and like at my

1:15:30

age your period will stop and I'll start and

1:15:32

like there's just a funky things It's like puttering

1:15:34

out like it's like we don't know what's going

1:15:36

on so I Thought it

1:15:38

was done And then I'm going to for my right

1:15:40

to go to the bathroom right before we go on

1:15:42

I'm like I'm just gonna pee one last time and

1:15:44

like Stuff like it's

1:15:46

back on more period that it's

1:15:48

back Wow. It went from nothing for a day

1:15:51

nothing I was done to it's enough that something

1:15:53

needs to be like I can't just like wipe

1:15:55

it and be like oh and No,

1:15:58

and I'm gonna I

1:16:00

mean probably a foreign bathroom forum

1:16:02

if the at the key of four and in the

1:16:05

bathroom in the backstage So it's like in this like

1:16:07

kind of party area It's not a bathroom that has

1:16:09

like women's products or anything So I just made a

1:16:11

tampon with I just went like

1:16:13

this and just shoved it up and corked it with

1:16:15

some Toilet paper which any girl listening has done before

1:16:17

you like yeah because you either make up you look

1:16:19

this and you make a pad And you put the

1:16:21

pad like with a bunch of toilet paper you make

1:16:23

a pad But I couldn't risk making a pad because

1:16:25

I was wearing a song it could have just slipped

1:16:27

out And I'm wearing a dress and it falls out

1:16:30

this like bloody napkin would fall But

1:16:32

I swear to God I didn't tuck it that well later

1:16:34

on after the roast I went pee and I'm like it

1:16:36

was it was loose it could have

1:16:38

fallen out can you imagine on live

1:16:40

TV if my Napkin

1:16:43

with blood on that like toilet paper would have fought

1:16:45

like and it's not like a nice look It's like

1:16:47

a crumpled up fell out like what

1:16:49

would I've done like that kind of thought goes

1:16:51

through my mind I'm like that was so close

1:16:53

to happening so close to happening Scares like one

1:16:56

of those hospital scenes in Dunkirk have you seen Dunkirk

1:16:58

no But it's like a war

1:17:00

movie even if the cameras didn't catch it Someone

1:17:02

on the dais would have done something and then

1:17:04

it would have been a thing and who would

1:17:06

have done it That's let's decide right now Well

1:17:10

Jeff Ross Jeff actually probably would have saved

1:17:12

me and just seen it and covered it.

1:17:14

He's like he yeah Yes,

1:17:18

he would have said it was this Like

1:17:21

guys put it in as a pocket square.

1:17:23

Yeah. Yeah, he would have he would have

1:17:25

had my back but um Yeah, or

1:17:27

you could have said oh, I he could have

1:17:29

been like oh, I thought what's her name was

1:17:31

on the dais The lady from that blood movie.

1:17:33

Oh, oh the woman that talks like this. Yeah,

1:17:35

Sarah knows yeah Yeah,

1:17:39

that's good But

1:17:41

yeah, like you ever think about things like that like

1:17:43

oh my god that could have gone so bad You

1:17:46

have like any time I've done

1:17:48

anything you're like, oh my god, I could have

1:17:50

said that word or what like Yeah,

1:17:52

dude, it's live TV the thing. Oh, I've done

1:17:54

and I know what word it is dude. And

1:17:56

yeah And

1:18:00

you don't want to say it dude you can say it

1:18:02

in your car, but no man I

1:18:04

yeah, and you don't want to say it and it's like

1:18:06

but yeah It's like very scary like when they do like

1:18:08

we did Good morning football

1:18:11

or whatever yeah, and it was for

1:18:13

the SEC championship, and it was live

1:18:15

and I was like I Would

1:18:18

never let me do live TV like I just don't even

1:18:20

know what's gonna go You know I just don't always know

1:18:22

how I'm gonna be if something gets me so scary

1:18:24

you did how did it go? I'm guessing it

1:18:27

was great. It went okay. Oh my god. That's

1:18:29

so Scary is that Pat

1:18:31

McAfee yeah, oh yeah, I love him he

1:18:33

crushed it. He's so great It was it

1:18:35

was really fun, but it was just I

1:18:37

never realized what it's like being live and

1:18:39

like and go yeah Like what yeah,

1:18:42

but you've done like morning TV and like local

1:18:44

markets That's the closest we get to doing something

1:18:46

like that cuz that's live Yeah, this is pretty

1:18:48

live and you can take some stuff out, but yeah,

1:18:50

this is live and I like even that last

1:18:52

thing I'm like oh my god if someone out

1:18:54

of context just hears me go say slave as

1:18:56

that was a callback if you're joining the Show

1:18:58

late and yeah missed it also if you start

1:19:00

listening to a podcast in the middle at like 47 a minute

1:19:03

What if they're not listening the beginning because they get

1:19:05

like a package delivered or something and they miss that

1:19:07

whole bet and then they keep listening And that that's

1:19:09

the only thing well if you

1:19:11

don't know about slavery in America, dude, and

1:19:13

that's your loss if slavery

1:19:16

even happened I'm

1:19:20

just saying they never found the boat Bring

1:19:25

up see what they bring up some of the boat bring up the

1:19:27

marina Marina

1:19:29

bring up the marina in Charleston.

1:19:31

Oh my god. This is not

1:19:34

funny Marina. It's looking for How

1:19:42

I love that movie I haven't seen it it's

1:19:44

so good man, did you want to he's

1:19:47

so good give us free He's

1:19:49

good in it. They should do um They

1:19:52

should remake that and be like where are they now? You

1:19:54

know right? um Tony

1:19:58

hands club so good Let's

1:20:00

talk about that for a

1:20:02

second. Dude, he was so

1:20:04

good. Well, first of

1:20:06

all, there's nobody, and I say this out of

1:20:08

sheer admiration, I talk about his show all the

1:20:10

time. Kill Tony gets 100,000 people

1:20:13

watching it live. Wow. All

1:20:16

YouTube at the same time. I get it. It's

1:20:18

so good. He was a rock star

1:20:20

that night. I remember, I was

1:20:22

like front row for it and he's walking by me

1:20:24

roasting and just like the steadiness

1:20:26

of his pace. Plus just looking

1:20:29

like just going nice shoes sounds. You get

1:20:31

those in the divorce, like just boom, but

1:20:33

like just so smooth, so confident. Who is

1:20:35

this guy? Perfect way to

1:20:37

get into it too, because it starts out in the crowd

1:20:39

and you're just like, who's this guy doing a crowd bit

1:20:41

that's like not the same as what we're doing up here?

1:20:43

Dana White does this thing. Tony's like sitting

1:20:45

there and then, you

1:20:48

know, people know who he is obviously, but

1:20:50

at that event, maybe not as much. He

1:20:53

owned that fucking room. And it just starts out slow.

1:20:55

You know, it's like good joke here. Oh, this guy

1:20:57

knows how to write a joke. That one

1:20:59

was fucking good too. And then the crescendo of

1:21:01

like, as soon as he gets to the comedians and

1:21:03

starts going down the line at us, I

1:21:06

really felt like I was watching a rock star. Like it felt

1:21:08

like a musical performance to me.

1:21:10

I told him that I'm like, it was

1:21:12

rock star levels of good, like just walking

1:21:14

while roasting. And he told me like he

1:21:16

almost, he was delivering the last one about

1:21:18

the, I forget him. Rodney King.

1:21:21

That's the King one. That was just a

1:21:24

perfect lyrically perfect joke. He

1:21:26

said he almost fell off the stage. He felt his shoe. Like

1:21:28

he had one of those moments of what if I would have

1:21:30

fallen during that? Like it would have ruined. I mean, that would

1:21:33

have been the worst thing ever. But

1:21:35

that almost happened. But

1:21:37

he, he was getting killed. I

1:21:39

was, he's, yeah, I saw him the other

1:21:42

night and we both know what were each other going

1:21:44

through this week of like, people knew of us before

1:21:46

on a big level that I would have never expected

1:21:48

before my career. But it's like next level now. And

1:21:50

we're both like, you're feeling this

1:21:52

too? Like it's a big deal for, yeah, it's really

1:21:54

cool. So this is, do you feel like this

1:21:56

is kind of like a new level in

1:21:59

your career? Let's go

1:22:01

dude. It's I'm not

1:22:03

being modest about because it's just undeniable like I

1:22:05

don't I don't get recognized as this

1:22:07

much I don't like have people I've

1:22:09

got I don't have people saying I

1:22:11

heard someone talking about you They don't even know

1:22:14

I know you like that's happened a hundred

1:22:16

times like every this is a cultural event Like

1:22:19

I didn't know it was gonna it's it's it's

1:22:22

Really bigger than anything I could ever have done

1:22:24

in my career It will never be a bigger

1:22:27

moment in my career than this even if I

1:22:29

become way bigger nothing this like like big You

1:22:32

look a little bit like Kylie Minogue people say

1:22:34

that no, that's thank you. What's

1:22:36

that? Um, what? That's the

1:22:39

song she sang a lot of dance Yeah,

1:22:48

yeah, oh yeah, I

1:22:50

see it very pretty thank you.

1:22:52

Um, yeah, I Just

1:22:55

there was something about this and I think also

1:22:57

just that it's the Tom Brady effect, too I

1:22:59

think Tom Brady was always kept so from the

1:23:02

public in a lot of ways like he was

1:23:04

around but he was always a You

1:23:08

know, he was always seemed like a safe

1:23:10

guy, you know a family man You know

1:23:12

who tried hard as hard as he could

1:23:14

to keep it together Tried

1:23:16

to keep things on his own terms.

1:23:18

Yeah, and even then just blew it

1:23:20

open Yeah, and this just blew it

1:23:22

up. I'm curious to see what it'll be like now Now

1:23:26

after the show, what's it like when it

1:23:28

ends are there like like

1:23:30

I cannot go look him in the face right now Are there

1:23:32

some people I can't see I was like, I don't need to

1:23:34

say anything to him Like he doesn't need to hear from

1:23:36

me again. Like everyone's gonna run up to him. Like we

1:23:38

already I already hugged him afterwards He's very nice. Like I

1:23:40

don't need to bug him Thank you know,

1:23:42

but if I run into him great, but I just went

1:23:44

and found my parents They were there so I was just

1:23:46

meandered off the stage and you didn't be em or

1:23:49

anything. No, I saw him on the way out I

1:23:51

was walking back to my dressing room and he

1:23:53

was leaving and I just said

1:23:55

Tom Thank you so much like real quick At

1:24:00

that point I like knew we're not gonna be friends like

1:24:03

there is a vibe that you can feel like with Alec

1:24:05

Baldwin at his Rose I was like that's I became

1:24:07

friends with him after that like or friendly. Yeah, he knows

1:24:09

who I am He really he was

1:24:11

in dear to me But Tom I could just tell

1:24:13

was like this is a one-and-done like I wasn't trying

1:24:15

to fuck him But like there's not gonna be other

1:24:17

he's not gonna be like oh you should come to

1:24:19

my parties or something So

1:24:22

I said thank you and he said thank you so

1:24:24

much. You did great Good luck with everything which is

1:24:26

kind of like you'll never talk to

1:24:28

me again Yeah, have a nice life. We never have

1:24:30

to see each other. Yeah, and I understand it like that's

1:24:33

how I feel too probably in this issues But

1:24:36

yeah, that was it. But afterwards it's just

1:24:38

like, you know, there's a big party after yeah, there's

1:24:40

a party It's actually at the forum club. Yeah, what

1:24:43

fun my parents were there so I was kind of

1:24:45

like hanging with them and and it was just starting

1:24:47

to feel like a little overwhelming

1:24:49

of Something big just

1:24:51

happened in my life. And so it was starting

1:24:53

to feel a little bit anxiety about I was

1:24:55

trying to process like What's that good? Did

1:24:58

I go too hard? What what did I what did it look like?

1:25:00

I don't know anything So it was I just kind of wanted to

1:25:02

get out there and had to be on Howard Stern at three

1:25:05

in the morning I had to go get up for hair

1:25:07

and makeup. So it was like finished at 10 It

1:25:10

was in New York or I was LA LA but I had to turn

1:25:12

it's out here you had a fly I

1:25:14

did a remote from here, but I had to be up for hair

1:25:16

and makeup at 3 in the morning I was like kind of just

1:25:18

like stay in this but I had to do a new look because

1:25:20

that's the way it works But um, yeah, so I was kind of

1:25:22

like what's next and then I had Jimmy Kimmel the next day So

1:25:24

you just go into like what I have

1:25:26

now I have to like keep doing this again and then

1:25:29

I get and killing this hard and being this prepared which

1:25:31

is just Impossible because I don't have because

1:25:33

I think well the bit you don't have to

1:25:35

do Continually do more

1:25:37

cuz yeah, you could burn yourself out. It's

1:25:39

an unrealistic, you know I'm

1:25:42

just trying to think of how we everybody can kind of relate to

1:25:44

that when something kind of goes Good or

1:25:47

it seems like you level up in some way How

1:25:49

to manage that or is there anything really

1:25:52

to manage at all and part of that

1:25:54

is just a mirage Well, it's like getting

1:25:56

a new car and you think it's gonna stay new for

1:25:58

there's a delusion that you have of like I can

1:26:00

just keep it this new forever. It'll smell this

1:26:02

way, the leather will look

1:26:04

this shiny. And it just

1:26:06

doesn't, you can't. You can

1:26:08

with a lot of hard work, but you just aren't gonna

1:26:11

do that. Most people don't keep new cars looking good. I

1:26:13

think that's how I would relate it to people who don't

1:26:15

maybe have the, the way I feel about

1:26:17

a new car. I'm like, okay, this is who I

1:26:19

am now. This new car lady. I

1:26:22

feel so much better about myself being in this new

1:26:24

car. I can maintain this and you just, you

1:26:27

can, you definitely can, you can keep a car

1:26:29

looking new. Two days later you're smoking menthols

1:26:31

in it. You're like, I'll just have one cigarette and

1:26:33

I won't ever do this regularly. I'll keep my hand way

1:26:35

out when I smoke and then you're fucking eating it.

1:26:37

But then an ash goes, burns the seat and

1:26:39

then it's game over. You're eating M&Ms in

1:26:41

it. You're yelling queers out the window of it. I'm

1:26:44

putting on makeup, bronzers going everywhere. Yeah, you're

1:26:46

yelling queer out the window. Well,

1:26:49

sorry, but you were in Clifton,

1:26:51

New Jersey. Yeah, it's lovingly. It's not like you're

1:26:54

just anywhere. Yeah. Yeah, and that is

1:26:56

what the queer people like to be called queer.

1:26:58

And they are queer. I mean-

1:27:00

If in a term they embrace. Yeah, beautiful queers

1:27:02

a lot of times. Yeah. You

1:27:04

yell. Yeah, I don't know that even though they embrace the

1:27:06

term, they don't want to shout it out.

1:27:08

No. But maybe. Nah,

1:27:11

you gotta get out more. Yeah. Who

1:27:16

was missing on the dais up there? Who

1:27:18

was missing on the roast? Were there any

1:27:20

roasters? Like who's your Mount Roast more? Geraldo,

1:27:24

you know, like obviously

1:27:26

he, that feels like he's missing from there.

1:27:28

Someone who's just like, is

1:27:31

speaking from like the heart in a

1:27:33

very personal place. And I tried to like,

1:27:35

you know, I watched a lot of Geraldo to

1:27:37

prepare for this. I'm like, what is my actual

1:27:39

take on these people? I think we always remember

1:27:42

Geraldo at the roast. Some like, it was like later

1:27:44

the cable guy and he just at one point just breaks.

1:27:46

And it's like, why are you so famous? Like

1:27:49

you just can't take it. It's not even, it seems like it's

1:27:51

not part of the set. I don't think it was. And that

1:27:53

is like a moment that I really liked and

1:27:55

was like, okay, I'd like to recreate that. Like how

1:27:57

do I actually feel about this person? What's my personal

1:27:59

frustration? with them. I'm trying to

1:28:02

think who else you miss. Like Elisa Lampanelli

1:28:04

who's more of like a, just boom,

1:28:06

boom, boom and like can say

1:28:09

some really sick, twisted, racist, sexist,

1:28:12

homophobic shit and get away with it, like just a sharp

1:28:14

shooter like that. I can't believe she wasn't there. She's a

1:28:16

quick comedy. Oh, she queen? She doesn't do stand up anymore.

1:28:19

She was like, it's too mean, it's not who I am

1:28:21

anymore. And she was like the queen of mean. That was

1:28:23

literally her moniker and like, going

1:28:26

to Elisa Lampanelli show early in my career, there

1:28:28

was no one that like, yeah, she called me

1:28:30

out one time in the audience. Yeah, I wasn't even a

1:28:32

comedian yet. And she made fun of me. I was just

1:28:34

sitting in like the back corner. So you've seen, you've

1:28:36

witnessed it. She was amazing. And she was just like,

1:28:38

no, I don't want to do this anymore. She does

1:28:40

like self help stuff. She's still like perform. Well,

1:28:42

she lost all that weight. I wonder if that changed some of

1:28:44

her mindset in her life. Probably, yeah, she,

1:28:46

yeah, she quit insult comedy. And now

1:28:48

she just does like, she, she

1:28:51

does like weight loss seminars and stuff. Oh, good for her.

1:28:53

So she just wants to help people. Wow. Which

1:28:55

is something I could see either both you and me

1:28:57

getting into like, just like empowering people.

1:29:00

You know, you watch these Ted

1:29:02

talks and these TikToks of people just like telling people

1:29:04

like how to live a better life. And I'm like,

1:29:06

oh, I could see myself veering

1:29:08

into that. Being a life coach or something like

1:29:10

that? Being inspirational, not maybe not a life coach,

1:29:12

but yeah, like just teaching people how to like

1:29:15

themselves more, not necessarily being good at it myself,

1:29:17

but seeing how other people could and seeing just

1:29:19

knowing the tools to get there. Not that I'm

1:29:21

necessarily picking up those tools. Right, but

1:29:23

sometimes people can see things easily in somebody else,

1:29:26

even if they can't see it in themselves or

1:29:28

adjust that for themselves. It doesn't mean that they're not

1:29:31

still a good, like

1:29:33

you could be a good painter, but you may not know

1:29:35

your own colors or whatever. Well, you know, I used

1:29:37

to, as a kid, I remember watching gymnastics coaches

1:29:39

like yell at the gym, these little girls like,

1:29:42

you're doing it wrong, Gary Chung, like Bella Corolli.

1:29:44

And I'd be like, you get up on that

1:29:46

fucking beam, you asshole. He can't

1:29:48

do any of that shit, but he's good at coaching. So it's

1:29:50

just like, that's the kind of thing.

1:29:52

And I don't even feel like my

1:29:55

therapist needs, I don't need my therapist to have like

1:29:57

a great, full, perfect life that I want. I feel

1:29:59

like they... There you go. Yeah,

1:30:01

I don't even have a round off back

1:30:03

handspring. Yeah, they don't Exactly.

1:30:06

Yeah, I don't need I don't need them to be

1:30:08

perfect. I think you can dish it out without really

1:30:10

doing it yourself It's hard Yeah,

1:30:13

well being alive is tricky dude. Some

1:30:15

people have wieners some people have the

1:30:17

Gianas Yeah, some people love clothes some

1:30:20

people have both now imagine that I

1:30:22

don't think now I don't think it's just getting built

1:30:25

on that that's an interesting thing I haven't heard about

1:30:27

gender reassignment where they want to become a hermaphrodite where

1:30:29

they're like I want both don't get rid of my vagina

1:30:32

Let's just add on the dick next to it. Well,

1:30:34

how many people are born are more people

1:30:36

born? Can you be

1:30:38

born trans? Yes? Yeah, you're born with both

1:30:41

genitalia. No, no, no, no trans

1:30:43

don't have both genitalia people post-op trans

1:30:45

have What they wanted

1:30:48

they got rid of the last one the penis has

1:30:50

turned into a vagina vagina is turned into a penis

1:30:52

But you're born trans And then you

1:30:54

can be I don't know the exact

1:30:56

terminology, but yeah Yeah, intersex

1:30:59

are born with both sex characteristics One

1:31:01

point seven percent of the population are

1:31:03

born with intersex traits, but not gensalia

1:31:06

Jesus, you know that checks out So,

1:31:09

um, what does that mean people are born with both

1:31:11

people are born with both but not what no

1:31:14

They're not they said traits. That means like maybe

1:31:16

like more like for ease

1:31:18

right? Okay bigger brush maybe Big

1:31:21

hips or something. Yeah longer lashes. Oh dang

1:31:24

Martin so good on men. Yeah Martin.

1:31:26

You have long lashes. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah

1:31:30

What about when women learn to um,

1:31:32

oh Masterbate

1:31:37

when does that kind of happen for women because

1:31:39

guys talk about it a lot like You

1:31:42

know, I'm in these meetings and people are

1:31:44

always talking about it. I'm like when do

1:31:46

women learn about it? I

1:31:48

was so mad at my friends because all of my friends

1:31:50

in high school were doing it some in middle school Didn't

1:31:52

tell you an earlier. We didn't talk about it. We talked

1:31:54

about everything. They didn't tell me about it So I didn't

1:31:56

know about it. What were you doing? Just reading or

1:31:58

whatever? I didn't even I

1:32:00

would never, I was definitely horny in

1:32:02

high school. It started late for me,

1:32:04

but it happened. And

1:32:07

I didn't know what to do with it. I would like,

1:32:09

if I had an itch down there, I'd itch it, and

1:32:11

it'd be like, oh, that kind of feels good, but I

1:32:13

would never follow through. And it wasn't because I was like,

1:32:16

God's watching. I just didn't know what to do. I would

1:32:18

never, I know like penises go in you at some point, but

1:32:20

I would never think to put something in me. I was not

1:32:22

sexually driven in that way, but all my friends figured out

1:32:24

on their own. We were all doing, they were all doing

1:32:27

it individually, not talking about it with each

1:32:29

other. And not talking about it with me either. I

1:32:31

would have 100% done it. But

1:32:33

once I found out it was a thing, I started doing it. Once

1:32:36

it became like, it was an adult. But that was

1:32:38

the only way. I had to have information first. Does it

1:32:40

add wear and tear, I feel like, to the

1:32:42

vagina over long term? Yeah, I mean, the way I do

1:32:44

it does. Really? Just

1:32:46

not wear and tear, but like, you

1:32:50

know, people, this is not good. People

1:32:52

always think all I do is talk about sex, but

1:32:54

I just, I feel comfortable talking about it openly. I

1:32:56

think it is interesting. I

1:32:58

use like the Hitachi wand. Oh my God, is that

1:33:01

a real, like, is that like a DeWalt or whatever? You

1:33:03

can look it up, Hitachi wand. You've seen it

1:33:05

before. It's like the classic, it's

1:33:07

like in porn. It's like a back massager

1:33:09

looking thing. It looks like it wants a

1:33:11

big white mic. Oh, that thing can

1:33:13

beat an egg, huh? That thing is. Oh, it's crazy.

1:33:16

It's crazy. And so I put that in the

1:33:18

front. You know, you don't put it in you, you can't

1:33:20

I guess. But that's, I pretty much

1:33:22

always use that. And that, because it's, the

1:33:24

vibrations like, will make things sometimes swell, I

1:33:26

guess. So I can get kind of swollen

1:33:28

down there if I go too hard. But

1:33:30

that's what I mean by beat up. It's

1:33:32

not like it's like leaves permanent damage or

1:33:35

something, but yeah, you've seen those before, right?

1:33:37

Yeah, I've seen something like that. I think

1:33:39

also. You should, they're amazing.

1:33:41

Everyone should have one. Water pick makes

1:33:43

that too, don't they? What's that company called? Oh,

1:33:45

a water pick would be too intense, but I'm

1:33:48

sure that that would work. If

1:33:50

I was on the road and didn't have anything

1:33:52

and I was really horny, I absolutely, probably

1:33:54

try a water pick. We need more of it in

1:33:56

the community, girls. Get out there. I

1:33:58

would really recommend blowing. instead

1:34:00

of having sex with them, because

1:34:02

you can't get pregnant. And I

1:34:04

know sometimes having sex as a

1:34:07

woman, you go, that's less

1:34:09

scary because women are scared of being

1:34:11

judged after sex. When you're young

1:34:13

especially, a guy's gonna think I'm bad at sucking dick,

1:34:15

and so you avoid it. That's what I did. And

1:34:17

so I would have sex before I gave a blow

1:34:19

job because I just wanted to do- And what do you mean

1:34:21

by dick? You're talking about wiener. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah,

1:34:23

and I thought that I would be judged. And

1:34:25

so I had so much more sex than I

1:34:27

stood up because I was just avoiding doing this

1:34:29

thing and I thought it was high risk,

1:34:31

but really the high risk was almost getting

1:34:33

pregnant. Yeah. You should have been blowing people

1:34:35

definitely. Yeah, definitely. If you could go back in time.

1:34:38

I would teach my daughter about blow jobs and say, this is

1:34:40

how you do it. If you're interested in boys- Teach her? Yeah,

1:34:43

my daughter was starting to be sexually active. When I

1:34:45

just sensed like she's dressing in a way that she's

1:34:47

like, boys are liking her and hanging out with boys.

1:34:49

I'd be like, listen. Listen in a slip knot or

1:34:51

whatever. But like, if you want to

1:34:54

get, if you, I don't think you should, but

1:34:56

I would recommend a hand job. Do that.

1:34:58

And I'm not gonna teach you how, but like do

1:35:01

your research. Hand jobs are where it's at. Well, in

1:35:03

Native- That's what they want anyway. In Native American

1:35:05

cultures, a lot of the older sibling will go

1:35:07

out into the woods and teach the younger sibling

1:35:09

how to masturbate. So there's not as much shame

1:35:11

with it because then it's like something you like,

1:35:13

you learn, you're like, oh, this is, yeah. I

1:35:16

do it like my brother did it. He did

1:35:18

it like my grandfather did it. Like we've all-

1:35:20

That's crazy. This is how we do it, you know? Yeah. And

1:35:23

it's so it's like you at least can have your own, not

1:35:26

style of it, but it's like, then it's not

1:35:28

something that's taboo. Cause I remember, yeah, I remember

1:35:31

jerking off or whatever. And then

1:35:33

just being like, oh my God,

1:35:35

dude, I'm- It's a weirdo.

1:35:38

God hates me. People think I'm,

1:35:40

everybody knows I remember thinking, even though nobody

1:35:42

knew, I thought everybody knew that I've been

1:35:44

jerking off cause like the way I was

1:35:46

like moving or something. Yes, yes. And I'm

1:35:48

like, damn, I'm walking. Like I've been jerking

1:35:50

off, you know? And so I think I

1:35:52

was always paranoid. And if people would

1:35:54

be like, hey, what's going on? I'd be like, you know, I've

1:35:56

been jerking off. Oh my God. The shame that

1:35:59

people carry. With them so much so

1:36:01

much shame that just stays with you even after

1:36:03

you like kind of are like, oh, it's not

1:36:05

that bad It's like you can't erase it speaking

1:36:08

of that. Um What

1:36:10

else sort of just seeing the news? Oh the

1:36:12

Boy Scouts are changing their name. Did you see

1:36:14

that Nick? to the

1:36:16

Scouts or something There

1:36:20

we go Boy Scouts of America changing name

1:36:22

no more inclusive scouting America after years of

1:36:25

woes Are

1:36:27

the years of woes about the gender thing or

1:36:29

just that they were molesting boys non-stop And they

1:36:32

just want to get boys out of the title

1:36:34

to make people think about boys Is this really

1:36:36

is this like a woke thing of like boys

1:36:38

and or is this is about molestation

1:36:40

and wanting to get away from? That there's no

1:36:43

doubt the Catholic Church will pick the name up

1:36:45

immediately probably They

1:36:49

should just call it America Roman

1:36:54

Catholic Church Of

1:36:57

America now said after 114 years that it

1:36:59

will change its name and will become scouting

1:37:01

America great in an effort to emphasize So

1:37:04

it is about inclusion as it works

1:37:07

to move past the turmoil of bankruptcy and a flood

1:37:09

of sexual abuse Yeah, so it's both. I

1:37:11

really think it's both Boy Scouts. It's just it's

1:37:13

a it's a um Yeah,

1:37:16

they've just you yeah after so associated with

1:37:18

Building boys that it's like let's get away

1:37:20

from that name that we're a punchline they

1:37:22

are So scouting America.

1:37:24

I like it I think it's a good move the

1:37:27

crazy thing is that nobody apparently can hang out

1:37:29

with a bunch of boys without molesting one of

1:37:31

them Well, it's just that people who are

1:37:33

pedophiles Find ways

1:37:35

to hang out with boys, so that's a job that a

1:37:37

pedophile would get into dude We had

1:37:39

this guy Richard Langenstein right and he

1:37:41

is um He's

1:37:44

de ad now, but

1:37:46