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Freedom! Freedom!

0:58

Is the name of the show and welcome to it. My

1:01

name is Lauren Labkus. My name

1:03

is Paul F. Tompkis. Y'all know

1:05

me. Still the same OG. Oh,

1:09

God. P.U.

1:12

That sucked. OG? P.U. That

1:14

sucked. I'm Scott Aukerman. Hello.

1:16

That freaking sucked. This

1:20

freaking sucks. Who's

1:22

got... That freaking sucks!

1:26

Who's got a topic? Who's

1:28

got a topic? I got a topic. I got a

1:30

topic. Oh, you got a topic? I want to bring

1:32

this up. Oh, shit. Okay.

1:34

Now, we're recording on Zoom. I don't know. He's mad

1:36

about Instagram. We're recording on Zoom.

1:38

No, I'm not. I've not looked at Instagram.

1:40

Cool Up has mentioned something to me that

1:42

you're commenting on posts or something. I don't

1:44

know. I don't know. I

1:47

don't know. So,

1:50

we're recording on Zoom because of

1:52

the heat. We

1:54

were in my backyard for many of these

1:56

episodes throughout this pandemic. All

1:58

about one. but when I

2:01

received my first noise complaint from a

2:03

neighbor the other

2:05

day and was it wait

2:07

wasn't the neighbors that play the music

2:09

so loud? No, it was not that

2:11

they they play the music way loud.

2:13

They are my what did you do

2:15

during an episode? We've heard them playing

2:17

their music super loud. Yes, we have.

2:19

Listen to this. I was aghast. I

2:22

was by the pool. I was swimming

2:24

and I turned on the music. This

2:26

is a Sunday at noon. A

2:31

Sunday at noon to receive a noise

2:33

complaint from a neighbor. When my children

2:35

sleep. I have never, never heard the

2:37

like. And he peered over the

2:39

fence and he whistled at me, an

2:42

obnoxious whistle. And

2:44

he was like, Hey, you want to turn that

2:46

music down? And I was, I

2:49

couldn't believe what I was

2:51

hearing. I couldn't believe it.

2:53

Wow. I could not believe

2:55

what I was seeing. That is outrageous.

2:58

And so I think my face betrayed just

3:00

how dumbstruck I was at what was happening.

3:02

And he was like, did you hear me?

3:05

Can you imagine on a

3:08

Sunday? Who is this bro?

3:10

And deal. I want to

3:12

know what the social security. I want to

3:14

know what the, what the status is here.

3:17

What's his mother's maiden name? What

3:20

is his first pet's name? Now,

3:23

to be, to be fair, we,

3:26

this was maybe the third day in the row that

3:28

we had music on and we're swimming, but still on

3:32

a Sunday, the weekend.

3:34

I just think we're trying

3:36

to listen to a song called I hate

3:38

my neighbor. If it's the middle of

3:40

the day on a Sunday, it's like, who gives a shit?

3:43

There's not much you could do. I mean, and

3:45

like I say, our other neighbors that

3:47

they're right next door to as well. Blast,

3:50

blast it blast. The

3:53

house that's blasting when

3:55

we've recorded is pretty far away. Yeah.

3:58

They're, they're directly next door to the. them,

4:00

but I'm even further, but this guy was

4:02

like really into it. So

4:04

I haven't, this is my first noise complaint I've

4:06

received in years and years and years. I want

4:08

to, I want, I want some details. He's probably,

4:10

I'm guessing between three and

4:12

89. Wow.

4:15

And that's a guess. That's a guess. Okay.

4:19

So I'm not, so he could be two.

4:22

He could be nine. My question is more, is

4:24

he around your age? Uh,

4:26

probably not. He's probably younger. It's

4:29

just very, um, fucking. It's

4:31

both scream. It's very aggressive. It's bold

4:34

to peek over a fence. To whistle

4:36

at someone. To whistle at someone and

4:38

then to do it aggressively. Yeah.

4:41

And then the old wolf whistle

4:43

and then rather than say, could you turn that

4:45

down to say, you want to turn that down? Yeah.

4:47

Like, like he's your dad or something.

4:50

Yeah. No, I don't fuck off. And

4:52

then, and then when I, when I did it and

4:54

he, I still hadn't given him a verbal. Yes. He

4:56

was like, did you hear me? And

4:58

I said, yes. Okay.

5:01

Yes, sir. I'm sorry, sir. That really

5:03

bothers me. I remember there was one

5:05

time. I'm sorry, Laura. What have you

5:07

just sunk under the water? Well,

5:09

you don't slowly drop down. I do have

5:11

to say I'm talking to the gardener tomorrow

5:14

and up go the trees. Cause this cannot

5:16

happen again. Yeah. Yeah. No, you do need

5:18

some trees. We're planting starting to. You need

5:20

some trees. You need some trees. I'm so sorry. I'm so

5:22

sorry. I remember my first apartment in LA. I

5:25

was hammering into the

5:27

wall to hang up a fucking little

5:29

piece of art. Trying

5:33

to have some tiny comfort in my miserable

5:35

existence. And

5:37

I think I feel

5:39

like I probably hit the hammer

5:42

four times and

5:48

banging back from the other side. And

5:50

then I did it again. Cause I wasn't

5:52

done. Like, and he did it

5:54

again. And then I, I looked

5:56

through the peephole and he had opened his door

5:58

to like. And our walls connected

6:01

and our doors were next to each other.

6:03

I was so scared. Oh yeah.

6:06

You don't know, yeah. And was this at noon on

6:08

a Sunday? And it was the middle of the day.

6:10

I'm like, I'm sorry, someone can't. I

6:12

don't know if it was a Sunday, but he

6:14

certainly wasn't working from home, let's be clear.

6:17

I was like, it was like, you

6:20

have to allow people to make a dot of

6:22

noise before you get mad. Like I had barely

6:24

done anything. Give them a doctor. Yeah, exactly. And

6:26

in an apartment building, you're gonna hear shit. I

6:28

mean, like, I don't remember ever complaining. That's the

6:30

thing. If you always buy

6:32

whatever place you buy or

6:34

you rent whatever place you rent, and you have

6:36

to take into account like, okay, well, there's gonna

6:38

be, I happen to live

6:41

next door to people. I'm gonna hear some

6:43

stuff sometimes. We live in a society. The

6:45

joke. Yes. Have I ever told a story? Oh,

6:47

that's what that's for. People write that to me and I don't know what that

6:49

is. Thank you society. I

6:51

got it. Oh wait, I have

6:53

a story like that. Okay, okay, thank you. Tell

6:55

me. I was in New York. I was performing

6:57

at the Bell House. After the

6:59

show, someone gave me some fan

7:01

art and it was a portrait

7:04

of myself, like paint. Like it

7:06

was, you know, on a canvas.

7:09

And it's like a little painting. And

7:11

so I was staying at- The type

7:13

that Lauren would put up on a wall. I

7:15

might. Yeah, a little tiny piece of art. I might

7:17

hammer it up into the wall. Yeah. And

7:20

I was staying at my

7:22

friend, John Hodgman's, he

7:25

has an office that

7:28

has a sofa bed. So

7:30

I was staying there and

7:33

I was, you know, coming home very

7:35

late and I

7:37

was for sure drunk. I

7:40

had drinks after the show and you know,

7:42

it's New York. So it's like, I'm getting in at like, you

7:44

know, three, four a.m., something

7:46

like that. Sure. All still legal and

7:49

above board. Yes. And I think

7:51

this will be funny. I

7:54

will hang this painting in John's

7:57

office. And.

7:59

And rather than like

8:01

take an existing thing down from the

8:04

wall and put this in its place,

8:07

I found a hammer and a nail.

8:12

Because he had a lot of stuff that he had

8:14

yet to hang on the walls. And so he had

8:16

like the hanging tools out. Right. And I

8:18

was like, this will be funny. And so

8:21

I bang, bang, bang.

8:24

Because of the hammer. Hammer this nail into the

8:26

wall. And then there is a

8:29

response bang, bang, bang from the person that

8:31

I had very definitely woken up in the

8:33

middle of the night who was

8:35

on the other side of the wall. And

8:38

I felt bad about that at the time.

8:40

And then the next day I felt bad that I

8:42

put a hole in Chuck's wall. And

8:44

did you hang it up? Yeah, of course I did.

8:46

And did he like it? I

8:49

think he was very good natured about it. He

8:51

thought it was funny. He conceded that it was

8:53

funny. He never betrayed that he was

8:56

upset that I fucking put a hole in his

8:58

wall. Oof. I

9:00

think that's okay. It was a good spot

9:02

though. He can hang something there very easily.

9:04

Yeah. At one point. You should keep it.

9:06

So what are the worst like neighbors with

9:09

adjoining walls that you've ever had? I

9:12

can remember one. One we

9:14

had, I was living with

9:16

a girlfriend and she unfortunately

9:19

gave this older woman who lived

9:21

underneath us her phone number,

9:23

which is a big mistake. Because

9:25

the old lady very nicely was like,

9:27

Oh, Hey, what's your phone number in case I

9:30

ever need to get ahold of you to like,

9:32

you know, borrow something. Which would be

9:35

constantly. Yeah. And it

9:37

turned into a, like, if we ever were just

9:39

talking at 10 30 at night, we

9:41

would get a call and she'd be like, what are you

9:43

guys doing up there? Are you vampires? Oh my God.

9:45

You got to block that ass. Hey, you're a vampire.

9:50

This is before caller ID. We had no idea.

9:53

So, so there's that. But

9:56

then I was in a condo with, with

9:58

cool up and I had it. conga line with

10:01

coolusion fed up to see up to

10:03

find out who game do. Do

10:10

you do, Youriders? Good, good. You do. Baby,

10:13

baby, baby, baby, and we hear her addicted as thank her. I

10:20

knew that you could be. Um,

10:22

but we had an upstairs neighbor who was like 80, and

10:24

it was a dream because she turned.

10:27

She had to turn her TV up so loud to hear

10:29

it, but I don't give a shit because then I'm like,

10:31

Oh, I can turn on my TV. I

10:33

can turn on my music, whatever. And she could never hear anything

10:35

we were doing. It was great. I could say I hate you

10:37

old lady at the

10:40

top of my lungs. Well, I, I was thinking about,

10:42

um, I mean, I definitely had a lot of

10:44

bad neighbors and I'm sure I told the story of when I felt

10:46

with my neighbor about the trash can. Yes.

10:49

Um, that was pretty intense, but did

10:51

you get a trading card from him too? Or

10:53

it was a woman. Oh,

10:56

someone with a trash can was a woman. There

10:58

was egg on my face. And, um, but I

11:00

did, I was just remembering this story from, and

11:02

I don't know if I've ever told you this

11:04

when I was living in Chicago, an apartment, um,

11:07

I had two roommates, apartment,

11:11

and I was, it was a third floor, um, apartment.

11:15

Yeah. Walk up. And we always

11:17

were coming and going. And so we

11:19

left our apartment door unlocked

11:21

all the time. Not the, there were two

11:24

doors to get into the building. And then we would just

11:26

leave our door open because we always were, there were people

11:28

coming and going, people coming over or whatever. And

11:30

there was only one other apartment on the floor. So it

11:32

felt like no real risk. And

11:36

one day I was not there, but

11:39

my friend, my one roommate had a guy

11:41

friend who was visiting and he was sleeping

11:44

in her room in the bed. She was

11:46

at work and my other friend was,

11:48

um, not home. I think it was just that guy

11:50

was just there, but we left the door unlocked and

11:52

that's not, that's all we all did that. So whatever.

11:55

He people broke into the apartment building,

11:57

walked right into our apartment and took.

12:00

My roommate's laptop and

12:02

mine was right next to it. They didn't take mine. I

12:04

think they were running out by then. And

12:07

then the guy woke up and he like heard them. And he was

12:09

like kind of yelling, but he was like a really small guy. Like

12:11

there was a kind of, you know, it was just like a crazy

12:13

sort of moment. Not like he was going to do something. And

12:16

then he chased after them a little bit,

12:18

but they ran back down. They ran through the whole apartment down

12:20

the back stairs and ran away. And then

12:22

that night they came back later. Whoa,

12:24

because it was unlocked or. Yeah, they

12:27

tried again. So we, we were scared.

12:30

These people are stupid. We were scared after

12:32

that happened. So we had a bunch of

12:34

friends over and we were all sitting and

12:36

then they started jostling the back

12:38

door and then two guys ran

12:40

out after them and tried to get them. And

12:45

they just got to the backyard, but they

12:47

also stole our barbecue gas

12:49

tank or whatever. Whoa. And

12:51

we're sitting on the front stoop with it, like

12:53

just waiting for their ride. And someone

12:55

had seen that. Gosh. Yeah.

12:59

It's crazy. Wow. I had people, uh,

13:02

well, I think I told you about when someone stole like

13:04

500 DVDs out of my

13:06

condo and. No, I don't

13:08

think so. Oh yeah. I just, I was gone.

13:10

Did you live in a blockbuster? How did you have 500

13:12

DVDs? How many do you have now?

13:15

I don't know, but I live.

13:17

Thousands. Thousands? The same

13:19

condo. I'm curious. I don't

13:22

know. I haven't. Thousands. I don't know. You

13:24

haven't been back to that condo where you

13:26

store your DVDs. Estimate the number. Estimate.

13:30

You have two. Which

13:33

two legally blonde. I think that's a

13:35

bad estimate. You

13:37

have legally blonde and you have what else? Made

13:41

in Manhattan. So I was gone

13:43

for one hour getting lunch. And when I walked.

13:45

Why are you mad that I'm asking you this?

13:48

Because I just don't know. I don't, I mean, I don't, I

13:51

literally don't know. I couldn't even estimate.

13:53

Okay, fine. Fine. I don't know.

13:56

Okay, so you replaced all 500. Sure.

14:00

I'm like, you keep it at 500. Okay. So

14:05

I was gone for one hour and when I

14:07

walked back into my place, I sat down with

14:10

my lunch that I had gotten and I looked

14:13

at the time like my entertainment system had

14:15

shelving around it and that's where they all

14:17

were. And I looked there and they were

14:19

empty. And I was like, my God, what

14:22

happened? And so

14:24

Coolop, I told Coolop about it because she came

14:26

home and she went to

14:28

my neighbor the

14:31

crazy one who I think I mentioned who had

14:33

half of her brain removed who would just walk

14:35

into my place sometimes and go, hi, where

14:37

are you? Half my brain is

14:39

gone. Do you want to get ice cream? Have you seen

14:41

it? Hi, Lauren. And

14:45

so Coolop goes to her place and

14:47

says, hey, someone stole like 500

14:49

DVDs out of our place

14:52

and the woman says, well,

14:54

they're not at my place. Do you want to look in here?

14:56

They're not here. Look if you want. So

15:02

we think it's her. It

15:06

remains an open case. I don't even think

15:08

she would ever even sell them or whatever.

15:10

We went to Amoeba and said, if anyone

15:12

brings these in, you know, they're, they're hot.

15:15

But I ever tell you about the, I think she just threw

15:17

them away because she's part of his

15:20

one red shoe. He had a, he

15:22

had a brain injury. That

15:24

was a brain injury. And he

15:26

would walk around downtown Evanston. What

15:32

is the word for singing? You

15:35

know, talking about something like I want to say the

15:37

word is not a spowing. What is the word? Like

15:40

espousing? Yeah. Is that what

15:42

I mean? Yeah. Well, keep going

15:45

and let's see. Talking shit. Talking

15:47

about how people need to wear a helmet when they ride

15:49

their bike because he had this accident. Oh

15:51

yeah. He had

15:53

a helmet that he, he would wear when

15:55

he would just walk around and he would

15:57

come up to me and my friends. And

16:00

I always would go shopping when I was in

16:02

like fifth grade, when babies, um, with my

16:05

two friends and he would say three musketeers. He

16:07

would yelled us from down the street, three musketeers,

16:09

three musketeers that he'd start. And we'd go like,

16:11

Oh no. And like, we have to talk to

16:14

this guy. Oh no, we're the musketeers. And

16:17

then he would come up to us and be like, were you carrying

16:19

swords? Yeah. And we had

16:21

our stupid feathers in our caps and he would always, he

16:25

would always go on and on about how you have to wear a helmet, but you could

16:27

never get away. And we were like 10. So you didn't

16:29

really really know how to, you know, and he

16:31

would just, uh, tell you that you have to wear a

16:33

helmet because he would tell his whole accident, everything that happened,

16:35

but it's kind of the only thing he said. And he

16:37

would just walk around and tell people about that. Oh,

16:40

that's sad. That's very sad,

16:42

but he probably helped a lot of people. I

16:45

mean, I never forgot it. Helmet awareness probably

16:48

was not, you know,

16:50

that widespread back then, right? And I

16:52

didn't want to wear one because I thought it wasn't cool. Yeah.

16:55

I mean, that's the problem. Do you know, I didn't like wearing

16:57

a bike. I did not like wearing a bike helmet for the

16:59

longest time. I still don't like it, but I didn't wear a

17:01

bike helmet for the longest time. Um,

17:04

until, and I may have told you

17:06

this before until Janie and I's relationship

17:08

got serious and then

17:10

I realized, Oh, someone else cares. You

17:12

have to protect your head. Yeah. If

17:15

my, if my head is cracked open on

17:17

the sidewalk and then I started wearing a

17:19

helmet. I never, I,

17:22

and I never looked back after that. I always wear

17:24

a helmet. Can you tell the story about you driving,

17:27

not driving, riding your bike on the

17:29

sidewalk? Was it, do you

17:32

remember the story? I think about it sometimes.

17:34

Yes. Yes. I

17:36

think I know the one you're talking about. I was riding my bike,

17:39

uh, near, uh, I think

17:41

I was on my way to UCB or something. I feel like it

17:43

was near Gelson's. I

17:45

imagine it in front of Gelson's. It's

17:47

no, it's before I got to Gelson's.

17:49

Okay. Uh, but it is on that same street. I was riding

17:51

on, uh, uh, Franklin and

17:54

I was riding past the, so moved back from

17:57

the microphone. Like she will not. She wants to

17:59

absorb it. interrupting. I'm not interrupting. She's

18:04

just in awe of this story. Like Paul on

18:06

a bike. I got to sit

18:08

back for this one. I'm just

18:10

letting it be told very

18:12

briefly to my goddamn life. Do

18:16

you think the musketeers, do you think they were

18:18

bummed out by their dumb hats or do you

18:20

think they were proud of them? The

18:22

actual people? Yes. I

18:25

think they're proud of them. That seems like

18:27

they're probably in fashion at the time. So

18:29

like check these out. And it was very

18:31

like eye catching and it was, it was

18:33

elaborate. And it was probably like, yes. And

18:36

they're super memorable. Yeah. Yeah.

18:38

Yeah. It's like

18:40

Scott's leather cap. Yeah. Maybe

18:47

I'll bring back the musketeer hat. It

18:50

is weird when things that would be so funny.

18:52

That would never come back into fashion. Like platform

18:54

shoes. It takes up so much room. Yeah.

18:56

Like everything nineties is back, but like, what about

18:58

1890s? Yes.

19:02

Okay. Wait. Oh, so I'm riding my bike and

19:05

I, I,

19:07

I, all of a sudden this person

19:12

jumped steps out in front of me from

19:15

an apartment building with their dog who was not on

19:17

a leash and I

19:19

skid like I slam on my brakes

19:21

and I skid and

19:23

I keep going and this

19:26

person yells at me, it's

19:29

illegal to ride your bike on the sidewalk.

19:33

And I fucking stopped and turned around and

19:35

I said, it's illegal to have your dog

19:37

off the leash. Nice. And

19:39

then she said, Oh wait, are

19:41

you Paul? Oh my God. And

19:47

I said, yes. And she said,

19:49

I'm a big fan. And I said, well, thank you

19:51

very much. Oh

19:54

my God. It was great

19:56

because we were both wrong. That's

19:59

so. crazy. The

20:02

other day when we were, well I guess it

20:04

was a few weeks ago we were recording at

20:06

Scott's and then I drove home and this dog

20:08

I was going to turn left.

20:13

No, I was going to turn left and

20:15

there was a green arrow left and it took

20:19

me one second to

20:21

hit the gas. Like

20:23

one second. You know what I mean? Like

20:25

they say a New York minute and the

20:27

guy behind me like, and

20:31

then I immediately gave him the finger because I

20:33

have reflexes, you know? Yeah. And then and then

20:35

I was like, because

20:39

I'm a human being. I'm fast. I

20:41

mean, it's just like, I'm going, you

20:43

fucking asshole. Oh my God. And like

20:45

I turn and then he's on my

20:47

ass and then he, he's

20:50

coming up behind me and I'm going, oh shit. And then

20:52

he pulls up next to me at a stoplight and

20:54

there's plenty of room for him to go forward, but

20:57

he stops next to my car and

20:59

he stared at me. He

21:01

was in a big truck and he, he

21:03

just was, I didn't, I didn't even glance at

21:05

him. He was in the, yeah, I go pick

21:07

up truck, not a truck truck. I just,

21:10

I just stared straight ahead, kind of like

21:12

smiling. That's the best. It's the best

21:15

thing you could do. I mean, and he's staring at

21:17

me and then he eventually drove

21:21

off and then I just had to kind of like hide behind other

21:23

cars until he was like really far away. And then I kept

21:26

going, but I was like at a certain

21:28

point, I might get, you know, my ass

21:30

beat. Yeah. We, we once, when I worked

21:32

at the Los Angeles Times selling telemarketing,

21:35

selling the paper over the phone. I

21:37

was going to say, I remember you

21:39

being a journalist. When I was at

21:41

the Times, I was working on the

21:44

gangs and the sheriff's department. I

21:48

was 17. I was still in high school. So my friend,

21:50

So it was a very good year. We

21:52

would, we would all drive to my, Ignore.

21:55

Ignore. We would all drive to

21:57

my friend's house and then he, We

22:00

would drive to my friend's house and then he would drive to

22:03

the LA Times because it was a half hour away. What

22:05

did you say? I couldn't

22:08

hear you. We

22:15

were at Carpool in other words. Much

22:17

like the recent Carpool Karaoke series

22:19

which has delighted America and beyond.

22:22

Did you know James Corden was

22:24

before the Late Show? Yeah. What's

22:27

your question? Did you know who

22:29

he was before he was a child? I

22:31

did from the TV show Gavin and Stacy which I

22:33

highly recommend. I

22:35

thought it was really exciting. I didn't know who he was and

22:37

I was like, oh how cool. They kind of picked someone I

22:39

don't know who they are. But I guess he was famous. But

22:42

it wasn't cool. Well

22:45

I mean I guess just because I didn't know who he was didn't

22:47

mean he was like you know an up and comer. Right. It's

22:50

nice to personalize it like that. Oh it's cool they picked someone that

22:52

I don't know who it is. So

22:55

we used to carpool to the LA Times and my

22:58

friend was driving. This

23:01

is my friend who wanted the Rocky Horror Picture Show.

23:03

Your friend Steve Lopez. Oh that guy, he's still your

23:05

friend at this point. This was before the Rocky Horror

23:07

Show. He was so obsessed with that. The Rocky Horror

23:09

incident. It was honestly rude. So

23:12

it was his turn to drive

23:14

that day so we get into his car

23:16

and he cuts someone off and the guy

23:18

beeps really loud. Shouldn't have done it. He

23:20

flips him off out the window. The

23:23

guy follows us for a half an

23:25

hour all the way to the Los

23:27

Angeles Times and

23:29

then like pulls into

23:31

the parking lot where we work and

23:33

gets out and confronts my friend. And

23:35

my friend backed off so hard.

23:38

He's like, oh no no no I was

23:40

taking out a cigarette and just it

23:42

was a cigarette that you saw. These

23:47

are flesh colored cigarettes. They're

23:49

very special and ported. He's like, oh no no

23:52

I was merely and then did it work. And

23:54

the guy's like, oh yeah well you better watch

23:56

yourself pal. And then drove away.

23:59

I mean this is the thing. I feel like I throw

24:01

the finger out pretty readily, but

24:03

I know it's bad. So I really, I don't

24:06

want to do it. It's just so, some people

24:08

are so fucking annoying. And there's people who do

24:10

really dangerous things, and then you're like, they can

24:12

get more dangerous things. No, I've had like guns

24:14

pulled on me and shit while driving and, oh

24:16

yeah, yeah. Really? What? Yeah. Like

24:19

a dude just, I

24:21

remember I was downtown and I cut off. You couldn't believe

24:24

all the fucking restaurant stories we had to sit through. Just

24:26

to get to the gun stories? Because that is part

24:28

of my freak out day dream after I do it

24:30

is, oh, they're going to pull up next to me

24:33

and put a gun up. Yeah, yeah, that's happened to

24:35

me, where a guy just tapped on the window with

24:37

a gun and showed it and I was

24:39

like, I just ran through

24:41

the red light and got out of there.

24:43

Jesus. This was an attempt at carjacking.

24:47

No, it was someone that I cut off in traffic or whatever, and they

24:49

were trying to say like. And they wanted to jack your car. No.

24:51

As a reprisal. He just wanted to show you

24:53

he has a gun. He has a gun and

24:56

could, you know, like don't do anything or whatever,

24:58

but yeah. Don't ever tell me that

25:00

again. There's fucking crazy people out there. So like, you

25:02

got to keep a cool on the road. And it's

25:04

hard to, because I have barely, I've

25:06

barely driven in a whole year, but

25:09

five minutes on the road, I was like going,

25:11

fuck you and screaming at

25:13

people. Yeah. But

25:15

I mean, for the most part, I think I

25:18

used to have way worse road rage and I

25:20

feel like now I'll just kind of casually flip

25:22

people off. But beyond that, I like take it

25:24

pretty slow and like let people in and like,

25:26

I'm not, I really don't drive. I

25:29

think that's the problem with road rage is like, you

25:31

are so polite and you let people in and

25:33

to see someone who's not polite, it enrages you.

25:36

It does therapists. I

25:41

had a guy once. Can I be your

25:43

therapist? I really do want to tell you

25:45

a lot of secrets. Like how much do you pay your therapist right

25:47

now? Cause I'll do it for

25:49

half. I'm not going to say

25:52

how much I pay because I feel like people will go, that's

25:54

unsigned. You can get paid for free. It's

25:56

not working. You're

25:59

getting ripped off. You're nuts. I

26:02

once had a guy, I was coming up

26:04

to a yellow light and it

26:06

felt on the line to me and I didn't want to like accelerate

26:09

to go through it. So you stopped. So

26:11

I stopped like right. And you know. You

26:13

can't be mad at someone for that. Like

26:15

we probably could have both made it through

26:18

this yellow if we both sped up. But

26:20

you're being safe. But I was like, well,

26:22

I'm not gonna, you know, I'm

26:24

not in a rush, you know. So

26:27

as I slowed down, it turned red. And then the

26:29

guy behind me, the guy behind me

26:31

like threw up his hands in

26:34

like a, why? Like, like I was being

26:36

ridiculous. And so I just did it back

26:38

to him in the car. Like

26:40

mocking him like, ooh. Oh no.

26:44

And then what did he do? He didn't do it.

26:46

Then I didn't look. I, cause I- You can't never

26:49

look again. I looked, I

26:51

assessed, I felt like I assessed the situation. I'm like,

26:53

no, this guy's like me. He's not gonna do anything.

26:55

Yeah. Two pussies

26:57

throwing up their hands. Two pussies throwing

26:59

up their hands. Do

27:02

you know that intersection on Griffith Park?

27:06

I know every intersection in Los Angeles, go. Okay.

27:09

Yeah, me too. The cool up used to live

27:11

in a apartment on Griffith Park, right before the

27:13

five Griffith Park. And I'm gonna look it up.

27:15

Riverside? Not before

27:17

Riverside, before you get to Riverside, but

27:20

I'm gonna look it up right now.

27:24

But it's Griffith Park

27:26

Boulevard and Los Feliz.

27:32

Okay, so Los Feliz and Griffith Park. So

27:34

there's a red light that it says no

27:37

turn on red light. No

27:39

right turn on red light. And it's one of the

27:41

only ones in Los Angeles. There's so much church bells

27:43

going off. Yeah, I have a

27:45

church. I have a church.

27:48

This guy comes over on a fence on a

27:50

Sunday. I have

27:53

a wind chime outside my office store. I

27:55

love a wind chime. Wonderful. I

27:57

love a wind chime as well. That's

27:59

replacing. the bird sounds from my

28:01

backyard. Your wind chime. Right?

28:05

Wind chimes, you know, it's a specific thing.

28:07

You got to get just the right one.

28:09

You got to love wind and you got to love

28:11

chimes. This is

28:13

like a sort of nautical one, so it's

28:15

like a ship's bell sound kind of. I

28:18

like it. Yeah, I really,

28:20

it's very... I

28:22

get why, like,

28:24

as I'm getting older, it's

28:27

very tempting to

28:29

buy a bunch of shit like that for your house.

28:32

And I get how it happens now,

28:34

too. Like, there's a house in your

28:36

neighborhood where people have like just plants

28:38

and shit all over the place. Like,

28:40

I understand it now. And

28:42

the temptation is you have to resist. You must

28:44

resist. Yeah. Edit.

28:47

You must edit. I'm actually on a hunt for some good garden

28:49

gnomes. Edit. So,

28:54

okay, so I'm at this red light and I'm with Kulop

28:56

and my friend. I also want to get into what constitutes

28:58

a good garden gnome, but go ahead. You're at the red

29:00

light. I only have found one so far. And

29:03

we're at the... We're

29:05

the first... How do you say this?

29:07

We're the first... Indigenous people. Yes, we're

29:09

the first indigenous people. No,

29:12

we're the first people at this light. So

29:14

there's no one in front of us. We're

29:16

indigenous to the light. So, but it's big

29:18

giant sign that says, no turn on red.

29:22

Guy behind us starts laying

29:24

on his horn trying to get us to go. And

29:27

we are pointing at the sign. We're like

29:29

reaching out our fingers and pointing at

29:31

the sign. Guy's still laying

29:34

on it. Finally he gets out and comes

29:36

over and goes, hey motherfucker, you better get

29:38

the fuck out of my way. We're like,

29:40

we can't turn. It's illegal. He's

29:43

like, you better get the fuck out of my way because I

29:45

have a gun and I'm going to shoot you dead right now

29:47

if you don't get the fuck out of my way. And his

29:49

girlfriend is there and we're like, we'll

29:52

do it. Shoot him. No,

29:54

at one point she goes, you piece of shit.

30:00

That's crazy. Were you really scared? So

30:02

we just like my friend just terrified, pulled

30:04

over to the right a little bit and

30:06

the guy just like screeched around him and

30:09

went through the red light and. Which he

30:11

could have done anyway if he wanted to.

30:13

Yeah. I mean, yeah. We

30:16

had this happen recently where there was this.

30:19

It's like a weird. It's

30:22

a weird light. Like he

30:24

said, she blew a bubble. She was wearing like

30:26

a crop top too. And she was kind of overweight.

30:28

And it was just assumed. There's

30:33

this light where it's like the oncoming

30:36

traffic has

30:38

a red on. Traffic. We know the oncoming

30:40

traffic from the other side. It's like, you know,

30:43

just a two way thing. Basically,

30:45

from my side, it's green and from their side,

30:47

it's red. And I don't I can't tell that.

30:50

Is it Hollywood and? No.

30:53

OK, go ahead. But. But

30:56

so my point is that I'm

30:58

going to turn left on my green or Mike and

31:00

I are going to turn left and we pull into

31:02

the intersection and this woman is trying to turn as

31:05

well. But she doesn't do anything. And we're going go go

31:08

go. Go.

31:12

So shit. And then

31:14

I have a gun and then like minutes, you

31:16

know, or seconds into it. We realize, oh, no,

31:18

she has a red light because she's going. And

31:22

we were just screaming at her to go. We

31:25

actually had the right of way. And it was just

31:27

did you say sorry? Or like the but

31:29

they do. I

31:32

just get a cigarette out. I hate

31:34

when if I'm making a left turn

31:36

somewhere and I'm in, I'm

31:38

in, I'm the the lead car.

31:41

Right. Yeah. And you're in pole position.

31:43

That's what I'm in pole position. And if

31:45

I can see something that's coming up and

31:47

I stop for it, like if there's another

31:49

car coming up, exactly. And then the fucking

31:51

person behind me is like, go, go. And

31:54

it's like, do you why would I just

31:56

stop? Why would I go and then

31:58

just stop for no reason? middle of the

32:00

fucking street. I've definitely had it where I've been like, I've

32:02

gotten mad that the person's not going. And then I realized

32:04

there's like a little old lady crossing the street. Yes. A

32:07

little old lady who is crossing the

32:09

street. Little lady who cream

32:13

that person, run them over. It's why we

32:15

all have to cool it out there on

32:17

the road because it's like, we're all trying

32:20

our best. Words of wisdom, Scotty.

32:22

We all got to cool it out there on

32:24

the road. And when you think about it, like,

32:26

yes, I used to be really mad on the

32:29

road when I was getting to a job that

32:31

would, if I was ever clocking in late,

32:33

they would, you know, like fire me or whatever. Doc

32:36

my pay, whatever. But now really who gives a

32:38

shit if we're ever late to anywhere we ever

32:40

go to, you know, like the percentage

32:43

of people out there on the road are, are

32:45

really needs are late who need to

32:48

get there. Or even I feel like

32:50

in LA it's like, yeah, everyone's late,

32:52

but you just accept that. It's just

32:54

because it's going to make the difference. I know.

32:56

I know. I mean, you know,

32:59

everyone's late to everything out here. Let's

33:02

get into the gnomes. Oh

33:04

yeah. Okay. Wait, should we take, let's take

33:06

a break and we'll get into the. Gnomes. Yeah.

33:09

Come back from gnome talk.

33:11

Lawrence don't stop listening. We'll

33:14

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37:02

And

37:07

we're back. So, gnome talk. So I'm on the

37:09

100% gnome. I like to have a few gnomes, okay?

37:18

Sure. Ideally. As I've mentioned

37:21

multiple times, I thought Trolls

37:23

World Tour was like the funniest

37:25

movie. Somehow this has become a

37:27

running theme. I would like

37:29

to have a couple gnomes that are not, I know that's

37:31

not what a troll is, but I don't want, you know, trolls.

37:33

It's as close as you can get. Okay. Yeah.

37:35

I also thought the gnomes trailer was pretty funny.

37:39

Okay. What about Gnomey and Juliet? Yeah. Was that

37:41

another one? Yeah. It was for sure. I bet

37:43

I thought that was funny too. Okay. So. If

37:46

I know, if I gnome,

37:49

y'all know me.

37:51

Still the same old D. Oh my

37:53

God. So I might not hunt

37:55

for gnomes, but you know, it's really hard

37:57

to find because there's a lot of very

37:59

quote unquote. quote funny gnomes out there where

38:01

they're doing things. That's gilding the really. It's

38:03

a hat on a hat. Exactly. And they're

38:05

really over the top. I mean, you know.

38:07

There's like a gnome on a cell phone.

38:10

A gnome on a surfboard. Then there's a

38:12

gnome like mooning you and it's like. No

38:14

one. Yes, a gnome would do

38:16

that if they were real. I mean. But.

38:20

It is funny, but do I want to see it every day? No. No.

38:22

I don't see it every other day. I don't see it every

38:24

other day. I found one. You need a tarp for this gnome.

38:27

Christmas. Christmas-y. That you can put every other day. Sure.

38:30

I'm taking it slow. I don't want to just buy whatever

38:32

I see. Now how big is this gnome? This

38:35

one is small. It's. Oh,

38:37

it's little. But it's only a head. Little

38:40

for a gnome, but big for a penis. It's.

38:44

Wait, it's only a head? It's probably seven inches

38:46

tall. You go judging by a

38:48

seven inch dick. And. It's.

38:52

It's. I

38:55

know my seven inch dicks. That's

38:57

exactly the length of that. You

38:59

know, it's all like a smurfs or three apples high. A

39:03

gnome head is this seven inch dick long. It's like,

39:05

it's exactly an inches. It's just, you have to say

39:07

dick. So the,

39:11

it's from target and it was

39:13

only $10. And

39:15

the, a lot of gnomes are overpriced, which I want to

39:17

say a lot of gnomes are coming in at 30 to

39:20

$60 and I'm just going, it's, it's

39:22

a gnome. I don't know how I feel about this.

39:25

What? Why is it

39:28

just a head? Is that why it's only $10?

39:30

It's an aesthetic design. Yeah,

39:33

I didn't spring for the body. So. Do

39:36

you have a saw here? It's a white

39:38

ceramic gnome face and

39:40

it's like all white with

39:42

like a beard and then it

39:44

has a bronze cone hat that

39:47

is really 90% of it. And

39:50

I think it's very funny. Now that's

39:52

funny because it's just charming. It's charming.

39:55

Oh, here. I'll try to find you a picture. I want

39:57

to see a picture. Yeah. I want to see a

39:59

picture of this gnome. I decide if it's funny. Okay.

40:03

Target gnome. Hold on. I'm halfway there. Got

40:06

it right now. Target gnome. Now that was

40:08

an exciting movie. Will

40:11

Smith. Oh, and you can't see his face.

40:13

Matt will Patton. It's really a nose and

40:15

a beard and a hat. Wait

40:20

a minute. Is it even a humanoid face? It's

40:22

not even painted or anything. It looks like a

40:24

little hamster or something with a hat on. Do

40:29

you know what a gnome is? Oops. Look,

40:33

send this to Paul because he's got to put it up

40:35

on Instagram. Does

40:39

it have eyes? No, that's what's

40:42

funny. What is funny? You

40:44

got ripped off and you're too proud to admit it.

40:46

Guys, it's literally seven inches long. Whoa.

40:52

Now I like it. The fact that you're so deluded that

40:54

you like it. I like it. I

40:56

like it because it's like you don't really know what

40:59

it is. And then if you, if

41:06

you look a little, yeah, I don't, I still don't.

41:08

Oh my fucking. I

41:11

mean, yeah, it's a, that's a weird one.

41:13

Why are you so bad? Well,

41:17

I mean, I like that you're

41:19

not just getting regular old gnomes and putting

41:21

them out on your lawn like a weirdo,

41:23

but this is, I would say this is

41:25

representational. It's more abstract. When you say it's

41:28

abstract. And that's what I find humorous about

41:30

it. And I, because

41:33

it's, because it's, it is funny. It is

41:35

Scott. You're not cracking up at this.

41:38

Here's what I'm going to do. I'm going to put a poll. Cool

41:41

for us to our text chain of

41:43

other people and see

41:46

if anyone clicks on and says, ha ha. No

41:48

one's going to see like, it's a ha ha

41:50

just from me linking to it. Well, that's what

41:52

I mean is, is like a lot of times

41:54

on this text chain, people will send pictures and

41:57

everyone go ha ha that's funny or a headline

41:59

or something. something like that. If

42:01

anyone says, yeah, you say it's

42:03

so funny just from looking at

42:05

it. Lauren, you maintain this

42:08

is hilarious. I'd like to see how normal

42:10

people react. If it gets one haha and

42:12

you can't tell Mike to do it, then

42:17

we'll say it's funny. But if more

42:19

likely than not, people will do the

42:22

question mark. This is exciting. I mean,

42:24

I'm embarrassed. I

42:28

just texted. Okay. She's done it. She's done. We'll see

42:30

by the end of the show. We'll see if anyone,

42:33

oh, wait, did you do it? Paul? I didn't do

42:35

it. Paul. Hey,

42:37

it's silly. Ruined the

42:39

expert. I'll remove

42:41

my ha ha. Okay. Remove your ha ha. Thank you. Okay.

42:43

So the ha ha's gone. We'll see if any of the

42:46

other people do apply with

42:48

a ha ha. And now we're tracking this

42:50

throughout. Yeah. We'll

42:52

do a ha ha

42:54

tracker. Lauren has said

42:57

react honestly. And

43:00

then she's saying she's trying to ruin this. She

43:02

says this is a three them test enough qualifiers.

43:05

But I could be against it. They don't know

43:07

where I

43:09

stand. True. That's true. I think

43:11

we're going to get a lot of people

43:13

just saying like, why what is it? No,

43:15

instead of just a true, just like, how

43:18

would people react? No one would write

43:21

anything to that because it's not funny,

43:23

but it's not funny in that way.

43:25

It's funny in a way where if

43:28

you picture it in your yard, you kind of

43:30

go, that's funny. Well, it's not, you just sending

43:33

us this picture. We'll let us, but now how

43:35

is it displayed in your yard? You just sit

43:37

it on the grass. Well, that's what I'm gonna,

43:39

I'm gonna, I'm not sure yet. We've received something

43:42

from Janie. Okay. Janie says

43:44

my reaction is just you. That's

43:48

not what I'm looking for.

43:50

Okay. We got some more.

43:53

Oh, Lauren just says, lol.

43:55

It looks like three different things. All lewd. It is 70.

44:01

She's very dirty, my wife. Okay.

44:05

Again, maybe that's, maybe that's funny. I mean,

44:07

that's not why I like it. It sort

44:09

of looks like an upside down vanilla ice

44:11

cream cone with a chocolate or caramel sort

44:13

of drizzle. I want to put it kind

44:15

of, I want to blend

44:17

it into some foliage. Okay.

44:20

It's not a main piece. It's a sort

44:22

of, you're looking around and you

44:24

come across it and it's like, Oh, there's a gnome.

44:26

And you're like, Oh, I'm going to

44:28

get some more traditional gnomes as well, but I,

44:30

what drew you to gnomes over

44:33

other controls world. I want some

44:35

funny lawn stuff. I think it's

44:37

fun. You

44:40

want to have a one, but still

44:42

magical. I want magical, not funny necessarily,

44:44

but I want the feeling of whimsical.

44:47

Yes. Do you, do

44:50

you want other people to see this or is

44:52

this just for you? No, it's just, it's for

44:54

me. I mean, if, you know,

44:56

someone comes over and they look around, sure.

44:58

I'm happy. You know, I like,

45:00

when people come over, do they normally look around? Yeah. You

45:02

know what I like? Um, little fairy

45:05

houses when people build those into the trees,

45:07

when they put like a door on this

45:09

tree and do you remember the viral fairy?

45:13

The viral fairy house. I

45:16

love that so much. And I would like to have

45:18

one of those on a tree. Like I would like

45:20

to build a little thing like that. I think that's

45:22

so cute. Did Pippi Longstocking

45:24

have a tree, like a, uh, a

45:27

hiding space in a tree? What am I thinking?

45:33

What? I don't want that. That's what it

45:35

is. I feel like there, there was a

45:37

book I read as a kid with a

45:39

female protagonist who had a secret hiding place

45:41

in the knot of a tree. Although am

45:43

I thinking of to kill a mockingbird? I think

45:46

that's what you're thinking of. Okay. I want

45:48

to be long stocking with a hanger in the

45:50

back of my head. Hmm.

45:53

That makes sense. What,

45:55

what I was saying or what she was saying

45:57

at the same time. Yeah, it was great. I

45:59

could tune out completely. I put a hanger through

46:01

my hair and I made wired

46:03

braids. Yes.

46:06

That's the way to do it. And Scott, what did you say? Scott,

46:08

what did you say? I

46:10

feel like Pippi Longstocking had a thing with a tree,

46:12

but I don't know what it was. Like a secret

46:15

headquarters in a tree. They're also, by the way, there

46:17

was a book series I read about kids

46:20

investigating crimes and they had a secret lair

46:22

underneath a junkyard with a secret hideout

46:24

that fascinated me. And I tried to replicate

46:26

it once when my dad dug up

46:28

a tree in our front yard and we

46:31

did a secret fort underneath in the

46:33

big hole in the ground with like a

46:35

plank of wood and put dirt over it and then surprise

46:37

people who would come by by jumping out of it. So

46:39

I've always, if you know what

46:41

those books are, please let the 3Doom USA

46:43

Instagram know. Can I ask something?

46:47

Yeah. What is something that I

46:49

have- Wait, I didn't give my permission. Yes.

46:53

Thank you. What is something you guys have

46:55

bought recently and it doesn't have to be as, you know-

46:59

As polarizing as my fucking- Can it be groceries?

47:03

Yeah, this is an episode of Add to Cart slash

47:05

groceries. But

47:08

Scott, do you think you'll ever go on Add to Cart? I've

47:10

never been invited, so I don't know. Probably

47:12

not. So what have you bought? No.

47:19

And I've iPad you've been getting for

47:21

free, don't count. Yeah, I know. Let's

47:23

see, I pre-ordered Prince's new record.

47:27

New record? Gonna

47:30

need more info on how that came about.

47:34

His new record? Yeah, how did he have a new

47:36

record? Have you heard some news

47:39

about Prince recently that we haven't heard? He

47:42

shelved an album and

47:46

so his- And

47:49

somebody else said, we could make money off of this.

47:51

Well, the heiress to his estate- This thing he didn't

47:53

want out there. No, there's discussion

47:55

about this. He apparently knew

47:57

when he died, all the stuff would come out and is fine with it. And

48:00

then other people think, well, no, he didn't want any of it

48:02

to come out, but his estate feels

48:05

that he wanted all of this to

48:07

come out. And so they're, they're putting it out. But

48:09

does he put this in writing anywhere? Uh,

48:12

no, he had no will. He had

48:14

no, that's a big problem. That's

48:16

why we all can lay claim to anything of his. Yes.

48:20

That's why we get all of his records for free.

48:23

Now, by the way, Jessica

48:25

says, so Jessica's weighed in.

48:27

She says, I don't mind

48:30

it. Thank you. But

48:32

she doesn't think it's funny. That's what we're

48:34

testing. So far, no one has said, ha

48:36

ha. I'm

48:40

not worried. So Prince, they're

48:43

putting out this unreleased record, but the

48:45

reason I preordered it is because if

48:47

you buy the super deluxe version, it

48:50

includes a Blu-ray or a DVD, I'm

48:52

not sure, of Paul

48:55

and I went to see him from

48:57

those shows, not the specific show that Paul

48:59

and I were at, but that, that series,

49:02

he did 21 nights here in LA and,

49:04

uh, and this was one I did not see in person. So

49:07

I, um, who was the special guest

49:09

the night we were there? Was it?

49:12

I mean, normally it was like Sheila E or

49:14

the time or sometimes. No, but there was, I

49:16

feel like there was always like an extraneous celebrity

49:18

who would show up and get on stage for

49:20

two seconds. Just dance during the, yeah. Sometimes

49:23

it was Gwen Stefani. Sometimes it was, I

49:25

don't remember. I think Kim Kardashian

49:28

was there one time. She did dance and then

49:30

everybody got, everyone's was like, yeah. But

49:32

it's like, everyone would make her into a meeting. Who are you to

49:34

not dance with? Did we say like, get the fuck off my stage

49:36

if you're not going to dance or something like that? I'd

49:39

say something like that. Yeah. Yeah. I

49:43

think that if she ever was even stand up, that ass

49:45

would just pull her down to the ground. Oh

49:47

my God. Okay. So Jeannie said, like

49:49

I said, it looks like three different things to me with

49:51

a little cat crying, laughing emoji, which

49:54

could imply she finds it funny. No,

49:56

she finds herself funny. Can

50:00

you OK, let's weigh in and say,

50:02

Janie, why are you laughing? What

50:08

does this emoji mean? I

50:12

can't believe Prince didn't have a will. She says that

50:14

rolled in pubic hairs first and now she's she's laughing

50:17

at her own joke. Now I got to return it.

50:20

Jessica. Yeah, because Jessica said it looks like an ice

50:22

cream cone that fell on the ground to me. And

50:24

then Janie added her filth. Tim

50:26

just says upside down cream cone

50:29

check. And is that a

50:31

cream cone? Hey, you guys want

50:33

to go off for cream cones? Should I ask? Do any of

50:35

you find it funny? You're

50:37

tainting the experiment. Janie says because it looks

50:39

like a vibrator. She says it's so

50:42

technically she is laughing because she thinks

50:44

it looks like a vibrator. So does

50:46

that count? That does. I think

50:49

it's funny. Is she laughing

50:51

because she thinks it looks like a vibrator or

50:53

she's laughing because she pointed out that it looks

50:55

like a vibrator. I

50:58

think she's laughing at her own observation. I don't think she's laughing

51:00

at the thing itself. I don't think it's funny that it looks

51:02

like a vibrator. I agree. I

51:04

think it's tragic. I

51:07

can't wait to display this. I'm getting 10. You

51:11

get 10. It'll look like bowling pins. Tall

51:14

John says I've expelled similar items. That's

51:18

that's about right. That's the

51:20

tenor of his text. Nora

51:23

just ignoring it. Nora.

51:26

Do you think she still has a phone? I

51:29

don't know. We've been on this text

51:31

thread for literal years now and there's

51:33

one person that just never ever. Chimes

51:35

in. And

51:38

it's got to be annoying because it's a lot of texts.

51:40

Oh yeah. Sometimes I will wake up and there will be

51:42

a hundred texts. I silence

51:44

that chain. But

51:47

I check it. But

51:49

I check it. Can you silence a chain?

51:51

This is groundbreaking. You turn off

51:53

alerts. And then you check

51:55

when I always check it. It just doesn't for

51:57

one particular chain. Shit

52:00

swipe around that shit. Okay.

52:03

This is wow. This is a gave Franny a haircut and everyone

52:06

thinks looks like shit What

52:08

is she supposed to look like I mean, I mean look

52:11

I think she looks good. Thanks. Hi

52:13

Franny Franny's

52:16

got a haircut My

52:20

dog groomer was I called them a

52:22

month ago and I said can I

52:24

make an appointment for a dog grooming?

52:26

And then I said our next availability

52:28

said may What then I said I'll

52:31

go somewhere else course I didn't find anywhere

52:33

else but I did man I found like

52:35

a bunch of reviews for horrible places and

52:37

that were like Once a

52:39

million once our reviews were like that people

52:41

post a picture of their dog and it

52:44

was like so fucked up looking That you're

52:46

like, how did this happen? I have to

52:48

where did you I want to say this so bad

52:50

the place please then

52:53

Then I googled because I was like what about like petco

52:56

like can't you just walk into a petco and do it?

52:58

And then I googled that and the first thing that came

53:00

up was about dogs that had died

53:02

at the petco after getting No,

53:05

or like pet smart petco. I think it's petco after

53:08

getting groomed Those eight

53:10

dogs die after getting groomed at petco

53:15

Going there, but by the

53:17

way, they're sponsoring us this week The

53:29

BB BB boo boo boo boo Scott

53:33

you're a part of that show right that where we

53:35

did the the dramatic readings of the one-star reviews of

53:38

that gym. Oh I

53:40

don't know. It was a long time ago at

53:42

UCB Tom Lennon and

53:44

Matt Myra I think put it together somebody

53:46

else who did not perform but helped to

53:49

put it together It was

53:51

there was some gym in LA

53:55

that had just Hundreds

53:57

of one-star reviews And

54:00

this place, like you read the reviews, this

54:02

place sounds disgusting. And

54:05

we did a show, it was like

54:07

an hour long show where people, one

54:11

by one, got up and did dramatic readings

54:14

of these one-star reviews. It was a really funny show.

54:17

Wow, I gotta watch that. Oh no, you

54:19

did it already. I

54:21

thought you were in it. Wow, I gotta watch that.

54:23

I did the night of 140 tweets or whatever. Yes,

54:26

yes, yes, yes. That's maybe what you're thinking

54:29

of. It wasn't, but thanks. Oh

54:31

no, I mean, when you think of me being

54:33

out of things. No, I appreciate it. Oh, okay.

54:36

Thank you. If you're imagining me on

54:39

stage, it was probably that night of

54:41

140 tweets. I'm imagining

54:43

you and you're wearing a suit

54:45

of armor, but with a

54:47

football helmet. I'm like uncomfortable in

54:50

my chair. Why? Get

54:52

up, dance around. What's up with your

54:54

butt? You're talking my leg. David Bowie taught me

54:56

it was cool to be uncomfortable in your chair. Yeah,

55:01

all right, babe. What did

55:03

you buy recently? Oh no, you talked about your gnome.

55:05

How about you? That's why I asked. I

55:08

don't fucking know. Oh, you know what? Where

55:12

is it? Is it in here? Yeah, I'll show you. I

55:15

don't know, and then saw it and went, boy. I

55:17

remember. Oh, I love that. Getting up

55:20

and walking away. Probably to

55:22

retrieve the item. Leave

55:25

him. Are

55:27

you talking to me or are you talking to your dog? I

55:30

bought this hat. Whoa. Which is. You

55:32

didn't already have that? That's a. I

55:34

did not already have that. It looks like a civil war

55:37

hat. It is. It's from the

55:39

Union Navy. It's a replica of a reproduction

55:41

of a Union Navy hat that

55:43

I came across, you know, like it

55:46

just got stuck in my feed somehow, right? And this

55:48

is from. This was an Instagram ad?

55:51

No, it was not from an Instagram ad. It was,

55:53

I was shopping for something else and then this popped

55:55

up. Some other kind of hat or

55:57

whatever. And then for some reason.

56:00

I got very paranoid

56:03

that it was a Confederate hat. Right,

56:05

that it was on the wrong side. Because I

56:07

saw an officer's hat that had the same insignia

56:09

and I was like, oh shit, what the fuck

56:11

did I do? And

56:13

so I was in bed scrolling

56:17

and searching and trying to find like,

56:19

and then I finally ... like the

56:23

fortune. In bed. And

56:27

then I finally was able to confirm that it was the

56:29

correct side of history. Yeah, you

56:31

stamped it out. That's lucky. Paul,

56:34

do you think the stovepipe will ever come back?

56:36

I hope so. I'd wear one. I

56:39

saw a young man smoking out of a ... what

56:42

kind of pipe is this where it's like ... Oh,

56:46

like a Mirsham pipe? Like a Sherlock

56:48

Holmes deal? Yes. Yeah. I

56:50

guess I'm talking about the hat style. Just on the street and I was like, oi,

56:52

oi, oi. Doi, oi, oi. I'm

56:55

talking about the hat style. The Abraham Lincoln,

56:57

the tall top hat. What

56:59

did you call it? Stovepipe. That's

57:02

what it's called. Because it looks

57:04

like the old fashioned stove that had

57:06

the pipe. I've heard it. And

57:09

it's like ... can you imagine the first person wearing

57:12

one of those hats and you're

57:14

like, this looks good. And then you get out in the

57:16

world and somebody's like, hey, it's like you're wearing a stovepipe

57:18

on your head. You're like,

57:20

no. I think though that a Brooklyn hipster must

57:22

have tried it once. And

57:25

then someone's like, look at Abraham Lincoln over here. Oh

57:27

my God. Don't you think? Do

57:30

you know, I had one and I

57:32

wore it ... the last time I remember wearing

57:34

it was to Jimmy Pardo's podcastathon

57:36

when he was doing it at

57:38

what? Stovepipe

57:41

party? Jimmy Pardo's stovepipe party?

57:43

It's very hard to say. And

57:47

so I wore it because it was around Christmas time

57:49

and so I wore this sort of Dickensian Christmas outfit

57:51

to do the show. Oh yeah. I

57:54

remember this. And then

57:56

I never saw it again and I don't know what

57:58

happened to it. And my sneaking suspicion

58:01

is you sat on it and became a normal hat.

58:04

Yeah, became normal. And

58:07

I've been looking right at it. Flat pancake black

58:09

hat. I think I ate it. I think it

58:11

put syrup on it. I was

58:13

like, this pancake is burnt, but it's so good. We

58:17

had we we had after not. No,

58:21

we've been here for a bit. So we had a

58:23

bunch of shit that just accumulated in the garage. And

58:25

we finally broke down and called one eight

58:28

hundred got junk to just haul the shit away.

58:31

And I think that that hat got taken

58:34

away. Oh, they assumed it was

58:36

junk. Just goes missing. Like

58:38

I am. My sunglasses are missing their prescription. I

58:40

can't find them. I'm missing two of my favorite

58:42

pairs of sunglasses. And I had them on a

58:44

trip and then I packed all my stuff and

58:47

came home. And I'm like, where the fuck are

58:49

they? I have all my sunglasses, all of them

58:51

that I've ever had. Oh, OK. Well,

58:53

I hate when I don't get over that stuff for years.

58:55

I feel like when something goes. Yeah. I'm like, oh, I

58:57

think about that. That had all the time. It was really

59:00

good. Do you know when I called

59:02

one 800 junk probably three years

59:04

ago, they were asked if they could haul you away. They

59:09

recognize me over the phone. And I was so glad that

59:11

I was being nice over the phone

59:13

to people. I'm being nice. Well, no, I

59:16

mean, nice face. No,

59:20

it's happened like five times where the people

59:22

like I'm being super nice on the phone and

59:24

people go, wait, is this the Scott Agravin? I'm

59:27

like, oh, good, I'm being nice. And

59:32

now what what is the situation and what's your mean?

59:34

Well, you know, if you're ever talking to a

59:37

like customer service place and you're frustrated, like I

59:39

remember there was a bank that wouldn't let me

59:42

Robert Robert. She's like, come on, I

59:44

have a gun right here. This is

59:46

Scott Ackerman. All

59:49

right, let's take a break. Are

59:56

you a pop culture connoisseur with strong

59:59

opinions? Join us. on Pop Culture Debate

1:00:01

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1:01:00

everything in between. And nails, we

1:01:02

talk a lot about nails. Now,

1:01:05

community is everything to us at The Deep Dive.

1:01:07

We believe in the power of connection and the

1:01:09

strength that comes from supporting one another. And we

1:01:12

would love to have you with us. So

1:01:14

be sure to join us every Wednesday

1:01:16

on The Deep Dive from Lemonada Media,

1:01:18

wherever you get your podcasts. We are

1:01:21

back. All

1:01:28

right, and we're back. And it's time for

1:01:30

a three-chair. That's right. And

1:01:32

this is one we played before because all the

1:01:34

ones you've been sending us are no good. Ha

1:01:37

ha ha ha ha ha ha. But

1:01:41

this is called Half-Life. And this is where

1:01:43

we are going to improvise a scene for

1:01:45

two minutes. And then we

1:01:47

will improvise the same scene for one minute.

1:01:49

Then we'll improvise the same scene for 30

1:01:51

seconds. Then we'll improvise the same scene for

1:01:53

15 seconds, and then eight seconds,

1:01:56

then four, then two, then one.

1:01:59

And we'll do that. We'll see how it goes. All right. We'll

1:02:02

see how it goes. You guys ready? Yes. I

1:02:05

have the timer. Scott, are you ready? I'm ready.

1:02:08

Yeah, you know I'm ready. I'm always ready. I

1:02:10

was born ready. Here we go. This is

1:02:12

the two minute scene. Here we go. And

1:02:14

start. Welcome to my shop. I'm

1:02:17

so glad to have some customers in here

1:02:19

because I just got a new selection of

1:02:22

wind chimes and gnomes. Do you have a

1:02:24

wind chime that is a gnome or a

1:02:26

gnome that is a wind chime? I

1:02:28

actually have one of each. It's right over here on

1:02:30

the shelf. You can go look at that. Well,

1:02:33

good, because this is a robbery. Oh,

1:02:35

no. Oh, oh. But I don't want

1:02:37

money. I just want all gnomes that

1:02:39

are wind chimes. And I don't want any

1:02:41

wind chimes that are gnomes. Thank God, because

1:02:44

I have thousands of dollars in my pocket.

1:02:46

I have thousands in this cash register. Yeah,

1:02:48

now I'm starting to change my mind. No,

1:02:50

no, you said what you said. You said, I'm

1:02:52

a gentleman thief. I got to stick to my

1:02:54

word. Okay, so you want gnomes that are wind

1:02:57

chimes? Why are you in a tuxedo, by the

1:02:59

way? I'm a gentleman thief. What don't you get?

1:03:01

Okay, I'm sorry. Gnomes that are wind chimes,

1:03:03

but not wind chimes that are gnomes. I

1:03:05

want gnomes to shut up you. I

1:03:08

don't have any gnomes. I'm sorry. Ow!

1:03:12

You had that coming. Look,

1:03:14

I just wandered into the store. I

1:03:16

don't have any gnomes. I don't have any wind chimes.

1:03:18

Can I go? No, I'd rather you

1:03:20

didn't. You can't go until the crime is complete. Now,

1:03:23

give me a call. I promise I won't call the cops. Yeah,

1:03:26

no kidding, because I'm going to shoot you. Now, give me

1:03:28

a call. Do you really want to be guilty of murder?

1:03:30

Gotta see this. I kind of do want to be guilty

1:03:32

of murder. It's on my bucket

1:03:34

list. Oh, really? When I was starting a

1:03:37

bucket list. I dare you to shoot me. I want to

1:03:39

go to the top of the Grand Canyon and look down

1:03:41

at the bottom. I want to

1:03:43

fly on a plane. You've

1:03:45

never flown on a plane? How did you get

1:03:47

here? We're on a deserted island. I took a

1:03:49

boat, stupid. Yeah, I

1:03:51

said, I got to get to that deserted island wind chime store that

1:03:53

also smells gnomes. You took a boat here? Yeah.

1:03:57

Did someone else drive it or did you drive it? Oh,

1:06:00

thank God cuz I have thousands of dollars in my pocket

1:06:02

and I have thousands the cash register How'd you do this

1:06:04

deserted island now? I want that money, but I'm a gentleman I

1:06:09

scared a boat here. You steered a boat. Oh

1:06:11

two minutes never felt so long now.

1:06:13

It's just two minutes. It's one minute All

1:06:16

right 15 seconds

1:06:19

Here we go And

1:06:21

start welcome to my shop. This is where I

1:06:23

sell gnomes and wind chimes. What's up players?

1:06:25

What's up with 18? Give me

1:06:27

everything. I'm a robber Money

1:06:34

Took a boat. Oh my god

1:06:36

two minutes never felt so long Seconds

1:06:40

and done. All right, and now we go to Seven

1:06:43

seconds the loop Perry special. Here

1:06:45

we go and go welcome

1:06:47

to my shops where I sell gnomes Robbery

1:06:58

We go to three seconds here we go and start

1:07:01

gnomes All

1:07:05

right, and now one second We

1:07:08

go and We

1:07:18

sure did all right guys and

1:07:20

a half a blast and a half. Thanks

1:07:22

so much for listening. Remember to get our gibbets Love

1:07:26

y'all so much Store

1:07:28

you gotta get them and

1:07:31

you can send us three chairs three

1:07:33

to musa@gmail.com Yeah, I would say a

1:07:35

helpful guide for three chairs is no

1:07:38

games that end with and whoever is

1:07:40

the funniest wins And

1:07:44

also games that can be played with just

1:07:46

audio Yeah, you don't have

1:07:48

to make up a game if you can think

1:07:51

of car games things like that, you know Yeah

1:07:53

games that make me look good Yeah,

1:07:56

good luck But

1:07:58

thanks so much for We'll be back

1:08:01

next week. Don't you worry about little old us.

1:08:03

Don't cry. Don't you worry about a thing? I'm

1:08:06

getting new. All right, bye.

1:08:08

We'll see ya. Bye.

1:08:11

Bye. What

1:08:18

do weddings, Instagram, and toxic

1:08:20

relationships all have in common?

1:08:23

They take your money and you can't get it

1:08:25

back. 16 grand somewhere

1:08:27

in there. Gone. There's no

1:08:29

legal solution for the fact that you

1:08:31

married an asshole. Welcome to The Do.

1:08:34

I'm Ex-Mayo. We're diving into the

1:08:36

story surrounding the moolah baby. The

1:08:38

good, the bad, and the unexpected.

1:08:40

Yeah, we talking about it all.

1:08:43

The Do is out now wherever you get your

1:08:45

podcasts.