0:00

Hey Mark, fake banter for the intro. That's

0:03

all I know how to do. Great. Good

0:05

to be here. Welcome to Tuesdays with... Stories!

0:09

Hit her in the face with a surfboard. And

0:11

then the duck fell out of his bag! Hahaha!

0:15

Surfed up! And she

0:17

didn't even flush. Knock, knock. Who's there? Mark,

0:20

Norman and Joe List. Yeah! This is Tuesdays with Stories

0:22

everybody. Nah, that's terrible. This is supposed to be cheesy.

0:24

My radio is spitting at me. And I can't choose

0:26

why I wanna see you. Hey! Bada,

0:28

bada, bada, bada, it's a wing. Bada, he canna, he canna, he canna, it's a wing. Bada!

0:31

I think I broke my thumb. That would be a

0:33

real game for that. Oh well. But later on in

0:35

the year. How about that? Well, we're back folks. It's

0:37

June 17th, 18th. Oh, it's June 17th, 18th. Oh, it's

0:39

June 17th, 18th. Oh, it's June 17th, 18th. Oh, it's June 17th,

0:41

18th. Oh, it's June 17th, 18th. Oh, it's June

0:43

17th, 18th. Oh, it's June 17th, 18th. Well, I

0:46

don't know. We'll see you next time. We'll see you next

0:48

time. Thank you. You

1:15

threw down a couple, was it coins, bills? Was there a

1:17

catalog? I think you bid on them, but yeah, a catalog

1:19

would be nice. I want Tyrone. No,

1:22

you get Leroy. The

1:25

pages are kind of stuck together, and you're like, oh, I missed

1:27

him. My page, you're going to flip it, because you don't really

1:30

like the Sears catalog. You'd have to kind of do this. Yes,

1:32

I hate the lick. The

1:35

Asian lady in my neighborhood does this. She has

1:37

a sponge sitting on the counter, and she goes,

1:39

Oh, I've seen the sponge. It's pink. Yeah.

1:41

Is that for cash? Cash.

1:43

Cash can be sticky. Yes, cash

1:46

is king. Cash is clay. Sticky?

1:49

Hey, that's pretty good. Oh, okay. Why

1:51

would you change that name? Best name.

1:53

Cash is clay. Well, he got into-

1:55

It's a lot of clay. Slooper. Most

1:57

popular name. It's just cliche. Cash is

1:59

cliche. Yeah, Cassius Clay, great

2:01

name. Great name. What else do you

2:04

have? You had the other guy, Yousuf

2:06

Islam, was Cat Stevens. Yes.

2:09

Another banger. Cat Stevens. And he

2:11

had an original name that wasn't Cat Stevens.

2:13

Oh. What was his original name?

2:15

Because he's had like three names. Give that a

2:17

goog. And he hated America and all that stuff.

2:20

Another Muslim name that ruined everything

2:22

was Llewell Cinder. Korean. Korean.

2:25

I mean, Llewell Cinder. Llewell Cinder's

2:28

a fun name. Cinder block. But

2:30

Kareem Abdul Jabbar is a badass

2:32

man though. That's true. Kareem. Yeah,

2:35

Kareem. I mean, every time I've ever shot

2:37

a hook shot, I go, Kareem. It is fine. Kareem, no

2:39

sugar. Kareem in my pants.

2:41

I like that. Kareem, a sickle.

2:44

So Ice Kareem. And Jabbar is great.

2:47

Jabbar. Jabbar's closing. We

2:50

better go. Jajar, Jabinks.

2:52

Yes, yes. I

2:55

got these locks from Jabars, Zabars.

2:57

Zabars. That's a local. Jabars. That's

3:00

what we should sell on shows. If we do

3:02

a live pod, we should sell Jabars. Big

3:05

rainbow thing with our faces on it. Yeah,

3:07

it could be bars of chocolate. Jabars. Yeah,

3:09

Jabars. That's what I'm

3:11

saying. Oh, I see. It's a candy bar.

3:13

A Jabar. Jabars. That's fun. Come

3:16

get your Jabars. Jabars. And we can

3:18

make them. We can put them in your ass.

3:20

They'll be dick shaped. Oh, that's good. Melts in your ass, not

3:22

in your mouth. Oh. Somebody

3:25

make a poster, a sticker, a tag, a thing.

3:28

Whatever. I've eaten some chocolate out of a butthole.

3:31

I love a bee hole. Don't you love to look down at

3:33

that pink little bee hole? Quite

3:35

a balloon knot. It's like an aperture

3:37

for a camera. Judd aperture. Boy,

3:40

we're hot today. I got a feeling this is

3:43

going to be a good old fashioned classic. Oh,

3:45

yeah. Don't say it too early. I got a

3:47

thing. I got a screw. Scoot, scoot, scoot, scoot.

3:49

Do you get ice water? You don't like ice. I

3:51

don't need the ice. I feel like it takes away from

3:53

the water. Ah, that's a good one. I'm going to get ice water. It

3:55

takes away from the water. I love ice

3:58

water and I would kill for one.

4:00

You know what they hate? What do

4:02

you got on, uh, Luel Cat Stevens?

4:04

Cat Stevens' original name? It was

4:06

something like Randy Stevens' name. Something

4:08

like that. Steven Dimitri, George U.

4:11

George U. What is he? Uh,

4:14

it's weird. He doesn't... I mean, it says

4:16

British songwriter, but he looks not British. Well,

4:18

I mean, he's from Britain. He's from Britain,

4:20

but there's more going on. Well, I think

4:22

he got... What's his parent? Iranian dad and

4:24

a Mexican mother or something like that? This

4:26

is gonna be, uh... Oh, Mexican mom. Look

4:28

at early life. Gripped a Greek...

4:31

Kypriot? Uh, Greek. Crypto. He's

4:33

from Crypto Boy. And a Swedish mother. Oh,

4:37

look at him. How many moms does this guy have?

4:39

I'm confused. That was... I made up the Mexican mother.

4:41

I was guessing. I'm just taking stabs out of here.

4:43

I don't know where the fuck Cat Stevens' mother is

4:45

from. They like to stab. Okay,

4:48

so he's Greek and Swedish. Yeah. I

4:50

see. Sweden... Is he a Gorgu? Yeah,

4:53

I think so. I guess he is. All

4:55

right. Well, he's a kook, but... You want

4:58

an ice water? I would love an ice water. If

5:00

you're going... I don't want to be there. If you're going,

5:02

let me know. I'm okay. Thank you. Okay. Just

5:05

bring me a cube. One cube of ice.

5:08

Cleming the cube. Yes, ice cube.

5:10

I enjoyed it. Yeah, it's not a great film, but

5:12

just seeing Tony Hawk in a movie at that age

5:14

was a thrill. It was

5:17

very exciting. Christian Slater. There was a moment. I

5:19

was six. I was like, that's a man, because

5:21

I loved Young Guns 2. Oh,

5:23

yeah. He was in the image 2 and then

5:25

gleaming the cube, and he was just doing Nicholson,

5:28

and I met him later on. Really? Yeah, briefly.

5:30

Where'd you meet the AC Slater? Nice guy. He

5:32

was a friend of a friend, and I said,

5:34

oh, hey, nice to meet you. Short?

5:39

Shorter than me, but I'm a little

5:41

lanky doofus. Right, right. I'd say I

5:44

don't remember. Yeah, okay. I don't remember height.

5:46

He's a hunk of a guy. He was handsome

5:48

back then, and he was doing Nicholson, but no

5:51

one called him on it. I think Cops was

5:53

another movie. Oh, with Mia Jovovich. Oh,

5:55

I think people called him on it. I think that was

5:57

the book on Slater. uh...

6:00

is doing nicolson okay and

6:04

i got a skateboard c kiddo

6:07

nicolson was on the he

6:11

was doing it and i think richard louis

6:13

was doing what he over

6:15

a minute said some of the run of

6:17

jew but that is the problem is like

6:19

people like what your neurotic and jewish like

6:21

that's what a delay that's why i'm a

6:24

long island jew also right you recover the

6:26

same place uh... from the six months apart

6:28

the yeah with that that is

6:30

tough but what's cool about what he is

6:32

he had crazy stage fright as a youth

6:35

and they his agent had to push

6:38

about their literally new puke and freak out

6:40

sweat and then he used it right it

6:42

was like my uh... what he held and

6:45

i'm nervous and gay and jew gorg jew

6:48

so you gotta you gotta use your weaknesses well

6:50

what he had a great thing to his like

6:52

my whole career i've just been doing jack betty

6:54

he's like but i'm so much less talented than

6:56

him nobody realizes he's

6:58

like i'm i just blatantly took jack betty's personal

7:00

right and did that but he's so much better

7:02

than me is like no one was like no

7:04

i don't know that it's like this asshole i'm

7:08

doing cream of dual jubbar when i play

7:10

basketball but i'm so much worse than i

7:12

would notice right yeah order that's

7:14

true and wider but uh... g

7:17

louis said he had a

7:19

bit uh... houston these old sets of

7:21

refi fis cinema classic over and he

7:24

had a joke reason double-edged sword everything

7:26

is a double-edged sword the term double-edged sword is

7:28

a double-edged sword because you're saying that but you

7:31

could be something saying something else whatever he's like

7:33

that's kind of a sign feldian bit and i

7:35

made it lazy and shitty which made it my

7:37

own right so i think

7:39

about that all the time interesting

7:42

i love sweet lou sweet lou by

7:44

the way that i just stumbled

7:46

on this as a song by pearl jam

7:48

about lou el cinder uh...

7:51

okay it's a rare track of b side so they're

7:53

they're fans of the old name well they're big group

7:56

fans i think it was supposed to be like a

7:58

uh... you

8:00

don't know what it's about the colorite lou but

8:02

it was l e w icy but and also

8:04

you know they go back to college days i

8:06

guess he was because

8:08

college was low you know it's it

8:11

shows this watchin a speed in the old days i was

8:13

watching a villa Greenwich

8:15

Village documentary on YouTube is

8:18

about the village in the folk scene in the beat

8:20

nix in the racial mixing and

8:22

obviously bob dill in his folk

8:24

days was the king absolutely

8:27

about bob dill and he was dating an

8:29

activist new and then he went to rock

8:31

and they all said are you went pop

8:33

you turned on as judas a traitor and

8:36

he was like a and it felt like in

8:39

the early brooklyn days when everybody was b l

8:41

m and all that and then then you can

8:43

go out and i'd like to make some money

8:46

right felt similar well i

8:48

mean early brooklyn days b l m

8:51

the n i guess you're right i'm over a little

8:53

bit like four years ago buddy felt like i'm leaving

8:55

these guys in the dust i want to go

8:57

be a big star i wanna play

8:59

the electric guitar right but i'd like

9:01

to i'm a big defender of dylan

9:03

pushback is that by dylan is the

9:05

ultimate artist he's never done anything for

9:08

commercial by uh... and he was a

9:10

huge star and he was betraying the

9:12

audience he had by going electric they

9:14

were booing him offstage and that's what

9:16

made it so ballsy and beautiful he

9:18

just went i wanna express myself in

9:20

a different way and stopped writing these

9:22

protests on yes started doing kinda this

9:24

jibber jabber what the fuck is he

9:26

talking it was great and then what's great i

9:28

mean no direction home is a masterpiece

9:30

the school says he docked and uh... i

9:32

gave you a copy of that only years

9:34

ago i remember the cover way back and

9:37

he got death threats all kinds of death

9:40

threats and all this crazy shit but

9:43

i forget what i was gonna say about

9:45

it real artist went he went against the

9:47

green which is very punk rocky but they

9:49

talk about it cuz they when he

9:52

was doing the tour in in england or

9:55

britain whatever the europe he would

9:57

play half acoustic and everyone would sit quietly and

9:59

they would go electric and everyone would boo, but

10:01

at the time, Like a Rolling Stone was the

10:03

number one song on the Billboard charts. So we

10:05

played that and everyone stopped booing and sang along.

10:08

And then went back to booing again when they went to

10:10

not the, so it just shows you they're all full of

10:12

shit. They're full of shit. And there's another great moment in

10:14

that doc where they say, they're interviewing these British kids and

10:17

they go, who's the hot band now? What

10:19

do you like? And he goes, uh, I like Herman

10:21

and the Hermits and it's not even the name right.

10:24

It's Herman's Hermits. So they were like,

10:26

this is who's hot now. And they just said the

10:28

name wrong. And they don't even know it. How about

10:30

that? And then where's Herman and Herbits now? Exactly.

10:33

They changed their name to a Muhammad Islam. Yeah.

10:42

Look at the celluloid on that meat. I

10:44

just came right from the pool, baby. I'm

10:46

all tanned up. Look at that tan. I

10:48

just came to you. You got one legs

10:50

browner than the other. Well, I was only

10:52

out there for a few minutes. I had

10:54

the baby, a towel, whatever. I think we

10:56

need to turn you. I feel like a

10:58

million bucks. There's nothing like a swim. Oh,

11:00

it wakes up, wakes up

11:03

the whole body. Jerry. I think I figured out

11:05

where I'm moving. Oh

11:07

boy. I don't want, hold on. I mean, let

11:09

me go through. We got Belmar. Now we got

11:11

the Pacific Northwest. Then we

11:13

got the Berkshires. Then we got

11:16

Florida, Florida. Get out of Florida.

11:18

Florida. Well, we got a

11:21

more somewhere else in Morristown

11:23

or Boston was Austin, Tarrytown,

11:25

Monterey, Red Bank.

11:27

Yeah. Um, Hingham

11:30

Harbor, Hingham, Massachusetts, Los

11:33

Angeles. Oh yeah.

11:35

The Hills Valley Sherman Oaks. Maybe,

11:37

uh, what was the other one

11:40

that's out there that I like?

11:42

Well, the big Harbor show with

11:44

the airports there. I say Burbank,

11:46

Burbank, California. Maybe Raleigh, but, uh,

11:48

I finally figured it out. All

11:50

right. I'm all anal. Here it

11:53

go. Final answer. Beep boo,

11:55

beep boo, beep boo. What's

11:57

that? That was my, uh, game show. Or

12:01

a truck backing up. Yeah, it sounded

12:03

like a British police car. Oh yeah,

12:05

hold on. Was that good?

12:08

That's not bad. Let me hear yours. That

12:15

was a 1940s cat. That

12:17

sounded like a cat. Yeah, okay. That's what I

12:19

was thinking. The

12:21

old police car is like a whiny sound.

12:27

Sounds like my wife when I fuck her in the

12:29

air. But yeah. Remember Richard Jennings' joke? Every time I

12:32

try to fuck my girlfriend in the air, she turns into

12:34

Elvis Presley the last second. She's like, okay, just go slow

12:36

and soft and eat. Ho! Thank

12:38

you very much. Hey.

12:40

Oh, that's how good is that? That's a

12:43

great joke. That's gold. Thank you for the

12:45

most underrated comedian of all time. He's

12:48

so good and also I love the idea that he's fucking his

12:50

wife in the air and he goes, give me a pen. I

12:53

got to get that Elvis Presley thing down.

12:55

Ho! Thank you very much. Woo!

13:00

Great bit, great comic. Also, the leg

13:02

movements is very anal. Oh,

13:04

it's so fucking funny. Anyways,

13:06

great guy. He killed himself. Yeah,

13:08

he did. Depression. It's real. He

13:10

was in the mask. He had a good run. Yeah,

13:13

he was in the mask and he was pretty

13:15

good in there. Oh, yeah. I

13:18

don't know where you find that if it's on HBO or YouTube or

13:20

what. It's got about a

13:22

15 minute, 20 minute intro. I'm the

13:24

Platypus Man. He's in the Chicago Joker. Brutal.

13:26

It's got a literal platypus swimming

13:28

around. That's right. Yeah. We

13:31

had a lot of time back then. He's on the exercise

13:33

bike with the beer cans and the butt. Well,

13:35

back then they were like, you need to have a sketch to start

13:37

a special. Had to do it. It was a

13:39

must. But here's where I'm moving.

13:41

It's unbuilt, confidential. Figured it out.

13:44

Can't wait. Battery

13:46

Park. Oh. New

13:49

York City. Oh. I was down

13:51

there. I'm down there. I got a friend who

13:53

lives there. It doesn't matter their name, their name.

13:55

I see her. Whatever it is. Only

13:58

fan. Lux. you're rebuilding.

14:00

You got a doorman over there. You got

14:02

a guy in a suit with a little

14:04

hat that says welcome. He takes your package

14:06

because my packages they go in the trash.

14:09

They put them under a bed of leaves.

14:11

They follow you. Hello. I'm ringing the doorbell.

14:14

Porch pirate is out there to watch out

14:16

for him. Oh yeah. Everything out there is

14:18

all signs everywhere of

14:20

male thief and female thief

14:23

female queef. Um,

14:25

future is female. Lord

14:27

I hope not. So

14:30

there it is. So you're

14:33

down there. You got the doorman. You got

14:35

all the classy people down there. Or person

14:37

door door. All

14:40

right. Try to be better about that word. So but

14:45

then you got the rivers right

14:47

there. View of the river. Statue

14:49

of Liberty right there. There's that

14:51

Brookfield Mall. Beautiful mall. The World

14:53

Trade Centers right there. That whole

14:55

garden park area. Lovely. Then this

14:57

person has a pool so you

14:59

can wake up. Go for a

15:01

long run along the river. Come

15:03

back and write in the pool

15:06

and the pool. It heals

15:08

Jerry. Y'all in the sunlight,

15:10

the chlorine, the movement, every

15:12

muscle in the body, that

15:15

cold rush all over you wakes

15:17

you up. I mean, I feel like a

15:19

million bucks. I'm all tan over here. Yeah.

15:21

I guess I'm very close. I'm tanned up

15:23

and I'm refreshed. Yes. And you got every

15:25

subways there. The N, the R, the W,

15:27

the four, the fives, the J. Yes. Yes.

15:30

Fulton. And I'll be eight minutes from you

15:32

and whatever bullshit hipster queer place you're living.

15:34

I'm loving it. I'm loving every minute of

15:36

it. And I thought, what am I going

15:38

to do? Raise my child in the financial

15:40

district? And then this person was like, it's

15:43

not the finest. It's Battery Park. And

15:45

we sit at Chipotle, Sarah and me and

15:47

the Bambino and it's baby,

15:50

baby, baby, baby, baby, baby,

15:52

please walking by great Chipotle

15:54

over there. There's two malls.

15:56

There's every subway. Yes. And

15:58

all you gotta do is pay. fucking $9,800 a day for

16:00

rent. Probably,

16:03

but I think it's going down and it will

16:05

be close and you're still in the city, God

16:07

damn it. And CQ lives right there. Oh, I

16:09

didn't know that. Yeah, well he lives at downtown.

16:11

It doesn't matter

16:14

where he lives exactly, but he lives

16:16

downtown. Safer quiet rolls up

16:18

early down there. It's a ghost town

16:20

after eight, which I think is good

16:23

for the little nugget. Right, but Financial

16:25

District gets a little spicy and dicey

16:27

too. Oh, does it? It's

16:29

just homeless and crazy stuff. Really? And

16:31

by the way, my niece goes to pace, so

16:33

she's right there. I got Quinn, I got Fian,

16:36

I got my niece, and you're

16:38

not too far. I'm not far. Yeah, I'll take the Beamer,

16:40

I'll scoop you up. So

16:42

there it is, final answer. You

16:46

got the Brooklyn Bridge, you got the Manhattan

16:48

Bridge, you got all that. I think this

16:50

is good. And you got the park. That

16:52

park is lovely. Battery Park's wonderful. Whatever the

16:54

World Trade Center, a park, I don't even

16:56

know what the fuck you'd call it. Yeah,

16:58

one plaza, dead people. I can't remember. Something

17:00

like that, I see dead people. Drama Plaza,

17:02

yeah, I just was at Cipriani last night.

17:04

It's funny, I did a show there. What's

17:06

Cipriani? Cipriani or whatever it's called. It's right

17:08

on the water, it's like the tip of

17:10

the island, it's right on the dick hole

17:12

of Manhattan. And you can

17:14

see the ferry going by, and it's a show

17:16

there. It's like a rich people place, so we all

17:18

bombed. But yeah, you got the ferry, and then you're

17:20

a quick right

17:22

to New Jersey. Yeah, oh, that's right.

17:24

But expensive as fuck, but so is

17:26

the house in Montclair. True. Is

17:29

it really that, I feel like it's on a

17:31

coveted area. I think it's

17:33

pretty expensive down there. Maybe it's coveted. I

17:35

think she pays $1,000 more a month than

17:37

I pay, and I have a two bedroom

17:39

plus an off bed. It

17:41

is crazy. All right, all right. But

17:43

the amenities for a person to do is. Yeah, but she doesn't pay

17:45

for the pool. It's 30 bucks a day. That

17:48

is cuckoo bananas. To use the grown pool. I don't

17:50

like that one bit. They should revolt. Because

17:52

I'm like, if you went to the pool five days a week in the

17:54

summer, it's $150 a week pool

17:56

habit. Good Lord. It's like a

17:59

heroines cheaper. But I just came from there

18:01

and it was just us. It was literally me, Sarah,

18:03

Karen, the baby, were the only ones in the pool

18:05

for two hours straight. That was it. See,

18:08

that's not bad. And then people not swimming, it's only, it's

18:10

three of the hottest women I've ever seen in bikinis out

18:12

there. It's pretty good. Not

18:15

too shabby. Well, yeah, though, the lady pays

18:17

for the Soho House, which is $8 zillion

18:19

a year, and it's all pool. You're just

18:21

paying for that pool, Jerry. But it's

18:24

always jam-packed, it's full of semen and gays, so

18:26

you can't even get around in there without getting

18:28

pregnant or AIDS. So

18:31

that's not cheap either, so this is better.

18:33

It's empty and it's cheaper. And the building

18:35

down there, you got, there's

18:37

a gym in there, there's a steam room in there. Okay,

18:39

so you're not no more equi. Yeah, I

18:41

still like the equinox. Well, you got the gays

18:43

in the steam room. Well, the one's downstairs here,

18:45

it's nice. But anyway, so I'm

18:48

moving to Tarrytown with a side house

18:51

in the Battery Park. I just gotta make

18:53

an extra million and a half a year.

18:55

Well, with the Patreon going the way it

18:58

is, you'll be all right. Oh, we gotta

19:00

talk about that Patreon. Woo-wee! Holy

19:02

shit, have we got a, sign up

19:04

today. I say it all the time,

19:06

I don't mean it, but now. Yes,

19:09

now you mean it. How good is that, did you watch that

19:11

fucking game? The Gay Fathers. Gay Fathers,

19:13

it's you, me, Kramer the Butler. We

19:16

had Brooks Wheeling in there. Hell yeah,

19:18

an Asian guy. Andre

19:20

Kim, who's hilarious. And Kim Jong-un. We put

19:22

it all together, and this is one of

19:24

the best bonuses in a while, not to

19:26

mention all the hot gay, people forget how

19:28

good these hot gay sets are. Oh, yeah.

19:30

Never seen them get on there, plus all

19:32

the just chatty bonuses we've been doing, the

19:34

Q and A-nal. It's a great time to

19:37

be alive in a Patreon. Not

19:39

only is it funny, but you're getting in

19:41

the bowels of a comedy club. We're behind the scenes,

19:43

we're in the green room, we're in the sound room,

19:46

we're walking on stage, we're walking off stage, we're in

19:48

the bar, we're drinking, we're eating, we're cutting up. Oh,

19:50

we were bouncing bets, and you get some stand up.

19:52

You get a big chunk of my stand up in

19:54

there, at least. Great chunk. Never seen before material, and

19:57

all for five queefs a day. a

20:00

month. Just that thing

20:02

of you getting yelled at by the lady

20:04

and then doing the same material in another

20:07

room 10 minutes away and then that gets

20:09

a big pie. I mean, that's fascinating stuff.

20:12

And you were walking up and me walking out

20:14

after I come off, I go on and a

20:17

Starbucks tea in

20:19

New York City is $4.21 a day. For

20:22

a cup of water. For a cup of

20:24

water. A bag of leaves and dirt. So

20:26

even if you live in the Midwest, a

20:28

cup of coffee is what, two bucks? For

20:30

two and a half cups of coffee, you

20:32

can watch this video. Fuck the African kids

20:34

with the distended belly and the flies on

20:37

their face. Get this for

20:39

a cup of coffee. Absolutely. But anyways, I

20:42

feel like a million bucks. I was

20:44

back stroking and swimming and that baby

20:46

can really swim. He kicks and

20:48

he drinks the water and it's a real

20:50

boot. Well, they live in the womb, fatty.

20:53

You know, it's all kicking and splashing in there.

20:55

Yeah, it's very fun. Straight to Chipotle shoved a

20:57

big thing down my ass. And I got to

20:59

tell you, I'm all goofy. My rods and cones

21:01

are screwed up. We moved the time today and

21:04

I thought we moved to three for whatever reason. And

21:06

luckily I'm a psycho. I came up here an hour,

21:09

a full hour early paid off and you're like, wait,

21:11

we're upstairs. And I happen to be at the bottom

21:13

of the stairs walking by to go to the gym.

21:15

I was like, I'll go to the gym. I'll get

21:17

a workout in. We're like, we're up here. I'm like,

21:19

oh, okay. I'll be there in one minute. So you

21:22

had gym on the brain. I was

21:24

going to the gym, but I'll just go

21:26

to the gym after now. But what's crazy

21:28

is Sarah was like, what

21:30

do you want to do now? And I was like, I

21:32

want to go get a workout. Let me get up there

21:34

because I don't like trying to even cutting it a little

21:36

close. Sure. So that could have been

21:38

ugly. I mean, I could have been like, I'm in,

21:41

I'm at the World Trade Center. I'm jumping off the

21:43

building. And you could have had a weight on your

21:45

head. You know, you could have been pulling up or

21:47

went on that machine that shakes you in the gym,

21:49

you know, with the wrap around. Oh yeah. The

21:52

J Fox. Yes. The

21:54

Mohammed. Hey

21:56

folks, Tuesday's are stories brought to

21:59

you by. Blue Chew! You know

22:01

we love the BC. If you

22:03

want to be good in

22:05

the sack, you need Blue Chew. It's going to

22:07

make your dick harder and everybody will have more

22:09

fun. Blue Chew is an online service that sends

22:12

ED meds right to your door. Don't

22:14

waste time going to the doctor. Sign

22:16

up for your- from your couch. The

22:18

tablets they send are chewable and have

22:20

the same active ingredient as Cialis, Viagra,

22:23

and Levitra and cost way

22:25

less. Love Blue Chew.

22:27

I'm a fan. I'm on

22:30

board. They work. They're quick.

22:32

They taste good. Might

22:34

as well just keep them around in case you never know.

22:36

You never know. You don't want to be that guy who

22:38

can't get it up. So get ahead

22:40

of it and get ahead. To

22:43

get started, head to bluechew.com. Chat

22:45

with one of our licensed medical

22:47

providers and if you're approved, you'll

22:49

get your prescription in days. Blue Chew wants

22:52

to help you have better sex. Discover your

22:54

options at bluechew.com. Chew it and do it.

22:57

Two of the stories listeners can

22:59

try Blue Chew free when you

23:01

use promo code TUESDAYS at checkout

23:03

and just pay five clams for

23:05

shipping. That's bluechew.com. Promo code TUESDAYS

23:07

to receive your first month free.

23:10

Visit bluechew.com for more details and important

23:12

safety info. And thank you Blue Chew

23:14

for supporting the show. Folks,

23:18

Tuesdays with Stories, I got a lifesaver in my mouth. Me

23:21

too. Tuesdays with Stories

23:23

is brought to you by Shopify. Woo!

23:27

When you're trying to sell your artwork

23:29

or tour merch, you want a global

23:31

commerce platform that's easy

23:34

to use. Shopify has

23:36

you covered. They're here to help you sell at

23:38

every stage of your business. From

23:41

their all-in-one e-commerce

23:43

platform to their in-person

23:45

POS system, point of

23:47

sales. Whatever

23:50

and wherever you're selling, do it with Shopify.

23:52

We love Shopify. Mark and I are all

23:54

over the Shopify. Oh yeah, that's what I

23:56

talk about. We've been Shopify-ed. We use Shopify.

23:59

It's the best our commerce is

24:01

off the charts because of Shopify.

24:05

I would never I wouldn't be caught dead using

24:07

anything but Shopify. Here here. Shopify

24:09

is the best converting platform

24:11

that turns browsers into buyers.

24:14

Shopify powers 10% of all

24:16

e-commerce in the United States. That's insane.

24:19

Wow. And millions of sellers across a

24:21

hundred and seventy five countries. That's how

24:23

many countries GoPack Joe's been to. Right

24:27

now sign up for one dollar

24:29

per month trial period

24:31

at shopify.com/Tuesdays all lowercase

24:34

go to shopify.com/Tuesdays now to

24:36

grow your business no matter

24:39

what stage you're in. shopify.com/Tuesdays.

24:41

Here here. Anyways what have

24:43

you been up to? Where

24:46

you been? I haven't seen

24:48

you since 88.

24:51

Actually I guess I saw you last week. I've been seeing quite a bit of

24:53

you. That's true. It's quite nice.

24:55

Oh good. I thought I was gonna go the other

24:57

way. No I like you. Well

25:02

it's been a wacky wonky week.

25:04

I first off

25:07

flew to West Palm Beach.

25:09

WPB. Love West

25:12

Palm. It's a fake town over there. It's

25:14

just rich Jews and a beach and crazy

25:17

buildings and landscaping.

25:19

Howard Stern. Lives

25:22

there? Yeah well he's got a 48 million

25:24

dollar house. I saw it on Instagram once.

25:27

I did not know that. Yeah. It's all

25:29

rich people. There's not a middle class in

25:31

sight. I was staying at the Hilton and

25:34

it was a Jew fest going on. If Hamas

25:36

wanted to break down and kill all these people

25:38

I mean they could just drop one bomb they'd

25:41

kill a third of the population. Well they do.

25:43

I see. Well this was

25:45

just it was all curly Q's and tassels

25:47

and dreidels and yarmulkes for as far as

25:49

the eye could see. Wow in your hotel?

25:51

In my hotel. They were having a conference

25:54

or an event or a Shabbat or a

25:56

kibbutz or a music fest

25:58

or an October's. whatever

26:00

it is. That's the one. And

26:03

it was why I was I felt like fucking

26:05

Richard Pryor walking through there because you

26:07

feel cool because you're not the Jew.

26:10

You're like, oh, hey, wow. Wow. You

26:12

know, I like music walking with me

26:14

and stride going. It's like being a

26:16

sugar going to be an oh,

26:18

it's like it's like a Willy Wonka in there. I

26:20

think I told you this before, maybe on the podcast.

26:23

I went there. I was like, it's like a different

26:25

planet over there. Then my friend said Jupiter. Oh, if

26:30

you're not familiar, you're probably not familiar. If you

26:32

live in New York, find it familiar. It's a

26:34

electronic store run entirely by Hasidic

26:36

Jews completely. And it's like the chocolate

26:38

fact there's conveyor belts going with machines

26:41

and cameras all worrying around. It's wild.

26:43

Yeah. That's the other planet aspect is

26:45

what I meant. Yes. Yes. Crazy. You

26:47

order a camera and it shoots up

26:49

a plastic fucking tube and comes down

26:51

and like lands on in front of

26:53

you. Wow. It's like an AI thing.

26:56

Wow. But he dropped Jupiter. I mean, how did

26:58

he go? I was sitting there going Uranus Jew

27:00

rain. I was trying to figure it out that

27:03

it was right there with Jupiter Jupiter. Wow. Who

27:05

was that? Can we give him credit? I

27:08

guess so. It's Paul Odo. I mean, it's not

27:10

offensive. It's not offensive. He should have. That should

27:12

be his opener and closer. He's blowing it. It's

27:15

a gold joke. Underrated comedian. He's down in Austin

27:17

now. Check him out. I mean, just make it

27:19

a deli, you know, because they don't have to

27:22

explain the B and H, but whatever. We're

27:24

punching up his act now. So

27:26

yeah, go check out Odo. I

27:29

mean, he's a great comic, but that's a tough

27:31

bit to pull off. Oh, there's a store in

27:33

New York City where they sell cameras. That's what

27:35

I'm saying. Make it a deli. Oh,

27:38

I see. I see. My friend says like another

27:40

planet. It cuts that joke the time and half.

27:42

No setup. Now that's a good idea. A deli

27:44

that has the

27:46

tubes. Let me get a ham

27:49

and cheese and then have just start shooting down the

27:51

tube. Tube steak. I mean, I've shoved a couple of

27:53

ham sandwiches up my tube. Oh yeah.

27:55

Game ours. Get it back. Um,

27:59

but yeah. 8A.

30:00

Yeah. 7, 8.

30:03

Right. There's a window

30:05

next to A and an aisle next to

30:07

B. Pretty self-explan. It's not crazy. It's not

30:09

crazy, but you just lose the respect. You're

30:11

like, what? They're like monkeys. They're with the

30:13

seat belt going. And

30:17

you're like, what are you, retarded? Have you

30:19

gotten through life so far? You should be

30:21

hit by a car by now. I think

30:23

everyone's mind is mushy. A little mushy. I

30:25

think the education is bad, and I think

30:27

the phones have rotted us out to death.

30:29

I hope it's phones, because these people should

30:31

all be taken out back and shot in

30:33

the head. But the town is

30:35

beautiful. West Palm is a lovely place. The

30:37

sun is shining. The palms are swaying. You

30:40

can get that beach air. You know that

30:42

ocean air is really something.

30:45

It heals. And the show is a

30:47

humdinger, great crowd, although I brought up

30:49

the Trump verdict, because that was fresh.

30:52

And that crowd got a little rowdy. Oh,

30:55

is that right? Oh, yeah. Three

30:57

people went boo. And then everybody

30:59

went, fuck you. It

31:02

was an overwhelming fuck

31:04

you to the boo guy. Well, that's a real,

31:06

that's the battleground down

31:08

there. Mula, big mula, big

31:10

Jew, big Israel, a

31:13

lot of Trumpians. Everything's down there, yes.

31:15

So boy, that's spicy meatballs. Spicy. We

31:17

got to make everything political. Did you

31:20

see there's a guy got attacked on stage in

31:22

Spain? No, I missed it. Guy

31:25

walks on stage and was like, left

31:27

wing activist gets attacked by right winger

31:29

in Spain. And you're like, what

31:32

is it? The guy made jokes about his kid's son,

31:35

his, the guy's son. Like, ah, your son's going

31:37

to be a fucking homo. He's going to suck

31:39

black dick. So the guy went on stage and

31:41

just, he's like, you're talking about

31:43

my son, but it's all in Spanish. But they had

31:45

to make it a right wing, left wing thing. He's

31:48

like, please talk about your son being a homo.

31:50

It has nothing to do with politics. Yeah, what'd they

31:52

do? Go into their voting records? I guess so.

31:54

But, you know, it's,

31:56

it's all silly, but they really walloped the

31:58

guy. Oh geez. That's funny. Like

34:00

Chevy Chase, or no, Bob Saget.

34:03

Oh, Jesus. Yeah, I went right down

34:05

on my Dick Van Dyke

34:07

did on the coffee table. Because you're

34:09

wonky in the morning. You slept for

34:11

12 hours, and you're like, whoa, it

34:13

was bad. So you're like barfing? No,

34:16

no, I was just loopy,

34:18

sleepy loopy, and my legs weren't under me. You

34:20

know, I was a little legless. So that shit's

34:23

no joke. So now I just take like a

34:25

third of one. OK, well, that's good. You know,

34:27

you've got a random guy giving you drugs. You

34:29

just take them for fun. Why not? They work

34:31

like a charm. So thank you, sir. I was

34:34

like an old guy in a suit. So the

34:36

guy seemed legit. No kidding. He's like an

34:38

easy Andy, a taxi driver. I

34:40

see. Well, maybe crush him up

34:42

and snort him. Really get it going, you

34:45

know? Yeah, yeah. Really, really

34:47

get some wrist taking. I mean, I was

34:49

drinking on it. It was a great time.

34:51

And then Florida's such a weird place. Got

34:53

my rental car the next day. Drove

34:56

to Fort Myers. Ah,

34:58

that's where the Red Sox came in. Oh,

35:01

really? It's a sleepy town. It's

35:03

a very small town. It's almost like Ford

35:06

and Edison had a summer home there.

35:09

No kidding. And they still, those two inventors

35:11

still couldn't invent anything to do there. Real

35:13

boring. No kidding. Not much going on. I

35:16

think in the spring,

35:18

whatever, it's baseball. It's

35:21

hopping. Like, yeah, February, March. And

35:23

then probably after that, it just. Not

35:26

much going on. So I

35:28

said, did the show.

35:30

Show was great. Nice crowd. I

35:32

go, I need to get a drink. Well, where should I get

35:34

a drink? And I got this guy, Jack.

35:37

He's our production guy. What about Jack? So I go, hey,

35:39

Jack, you want to come out with me to get a

35:41

drink? And I could tell he didn't. But he was like,

35:43

all right, sure. I go up

35:46

to the security guard. I go, what's a good bar?

35:48

And he goes, this place. Flamin'

35:50

Joe's. And I go, great. So

35:52

we go to Flamin' Joe's. It's

35:55

karaoke night. It's just fat,

35:58

drunk Florida people. show

38:00

up and he goes, oh hey, you're there. I'll

38:02

be right with you. He gets a cocktail. He was security at

38:04

the theater. He gets a cocktail. He walks over and goes, yeah,

38:07

I'm from outside of Philadelphia. I moved down

38:09

here to retire. I got the security job.

38:11

And I'm like, why

38:13

are you telling me this? But they all did

38:16

it. And I'm just sitting there and then you

38:18

go, oh, I'm from New Orleans. And they go,

38:20

I'm telling

38:22

my story. And then you're like, okay, well, I guess

38:24

you got the floor. And then they go and they

38:26

go and then you have to just wait. And me

38:28

and Jack are like, and

38:31

then they would tell you, oh, get out of here.

38:34

And then maybe they'll buy you a drink. So you get

38:36

something out of it. And then they walk away. Then another

38:38

guy walked over goes, yeah, I'm from Ohio, you know, and

38:41

I was a track star, you know, for years.

38:43

And then I fucked my aunt and my uncle. And

38:45

then I had to move down here and you're like,

38:47

what is this? Is this how people converse? Well,

38:50

that guy, that sounds like my story, but I think

38:53

that's what makes friends so wonderful and valuable

38:55

in your life. Like you get like a

38:57

Henry Phillip, you go to a bar with

39:00

a Henry Phillips, just you could

39:02

put, you could hit mute yourself, right? Duct

39:04

tape over your ass and your mouth and

39:06

just sit there and he'll entertain you with

39:08

not. Here's how I grew up. Yeah. He's

39:11

like one time me and Mark Cole, one

39:13

time this was happening and you're on the

39:15

floor laughing. That's what makes it

39:17

so wonderful when you find a partner

39:19

or friends and we're lucky because we

39:21

have access to so many hilarious people.

39:24

Yes. Some of the funniest on the

39:26

planet. And we meet

39:28

plenty of those people too, by the way. There's plenty

39:30

of comedians that I think are great comedians who

39:33

also are like, well, I think next year if

39:35

I could do my special and get that special

39:37

on this special and then that special will lead

39:39

to this special. And you're like, what

39:41

the fuck are you telling me you're planned

39:43

for? I don't care about your plan. One

39:45

day, one magical day, I want to grab

39:47

my sack, have a couple of drinks and

39:50

just wait and go, I don't care. I live

39:52

for that moment, but I'm not, I'm not mean

39:54

enough. It's too mean. I know. I had the

39:56

same problem. I say this all

39:58

the time, everywhere I go. I'm like, I just

40:01

want that personality. That's just like

40:03

you're talking too much. It sucks and we hate

40:05

it and please leave the room. I think that's

40:07

why I got like Patrice O'Neill was so intriguing

40:10

because he would say that shit. Right. And you're like,

40:13

I don't want him to say it to me, but

40:15

if he's added to this guy, I wouldn't be upset.

40:17

Right. Yeah, it's a good point. It's

40:20

an interesting characteristic that we do

40:22

not possess. No, no, but that's

40:24

why I got a lot

40:26

of friends because I just go well, whatever you

40:28

just I'll just sit here listening to you. Same

40:30

way. I'm like, all right, good to hear you.

40:32

Nice. Growing up, I grew up with

40:34

a bunch of MOOCs and we'd all be in the car

40:36

driving to some bar party, whatever and we

40:39

all were drunk and one guy would be

40:41

in the front seat going, I want shotgun.

40:43

No, I'm getting shotgun. And I'm like, I'm

40:46

in the back. I never made us think about it.

40:48

And they'd be like, this song sucks. Put on another

40:50

song. I'm like, I don't like any of this music,

40:53

but I'm just dealing with it. Right. Why can't they

40:55

deal with it? Right. Yeah.

40:57

What can you do? What can you do? That's

41:00

what can you do for a

41:02

Klondike bar or a gay bar? Gay

41:04

bars coming soon. This is going to be big.

41:07

I really think what should we put in it?

41:09

Some semen, obviously. Nuts. Yeah, a

41:11

little nut. I guess you can't put semen.

41:13

It's like a salt or whatever. Oh, a

41:15

salt. A salted nut. Salt and battery. Maybe

41:17

there's kind of little subtle Tuesday-esque

41:20

jokes. Nuts. Yeah.

41:22

Salt. It's all pipes. Yeah.

41:25

Pipes in there. Butter. Butterface. Mm.

41:28

Trazadone. Yeah. Put some of that

41:30

in there. It won't

41:32

repeat customers. Hey,

41:34

look at Addicted, baby. Hey,

41:37

folks. Tuesday Story is brought to you

41:39

by BetterHelp. This

41:41

episode is brought to you by BetterHelp. Stop acting like

41:43

you can handle it all. Even

41:46

people who seem like they have it

41:48

all together benefit from therapy and BetterHelp

41:50

is the best. They'll help

41:52

you work through whatever's on your mind while

41:54

letting you completely set your own schedule. All

41:57

you do is fill out a quick

41:59

questionnaire. and they'll match you with a licensed

42:01

therapist. You can even switch therapists at any time

42:04

if you want to change for no additional charge.

42:07

Gotta do therapy. You'll benefit

42:09

from it. Your partner will benefit from it. Your

42:11

friends will benefit from it. Just

42:13

get it. Get the garbage cleared out and

42:16

fix your brain. Get healthy. It's good for

42:18

you. Just somebody to vent to. It's

42:21

a big leg up. Go

42:23

ahead. Give it a try and tell me that it

42:25

isn't a total game changer. Get it

42:27

off your chest with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com/Tuesdays

42:30

today to get 10% off your first

42:32

month. That's

42:35

better, help.com/Tuesdays.

42:39

Well, West Palm Beach, that's a hell of

42:41

a time. Fort Myers, was there another one?

42:44

No, that's it. One Friday, one sat and

42:46

home on Sunday. Me and the lady, we've

42:48

been doing these Sunday dates because they say

42:50

you gotta keep dating when you're married. We

42:54

went to the River Cafe. What's

42:58

that on the river? Dumbo. Oh,

43:00

God, Brooklyn. You can

43:02

see right under the... Trunk?

43:06

The Tusk. Tuscany. You can

43:08

see right under the Brooklyn Bridge. Oh,

43:10

I know Dumbo, with the carousel. Yes,

43:12

carousel. You can see the Battery Park

43:14

as well. I think I saw your

43:16

new apartment. It

43:19

was great. Great night. We had a

43:21

rough sex. Oh, choking,

43:23

scratching, bruising. Yeah, the

43:25

whole thing, transedone, everything. That's fun.

43:28

You name it. You think you got a

43:30

kid in there? I think this was the

43:32

one. I shot a real Sandy Hook right

43:34

in that homeroom, and I think something's gonna

43:36

happen. Ironically, this will make a kid, not

43:38

take away. I can't wait. That's gonna

43:40

be fun. I can't wait. Yeah, well,

43:43

we'll see. It feels like honkies are

43:45

now having to really rely on the

43:47

frozen egg or the UTI.

43:49

What is it called? IVF? IVF.

43:53

Well, it's because we're in comedy. That's why. Everyone we

43:55

know is a comedian. So it takes so long to

43:57

have a successful career. By the time you're like, I

43:59

can afford a kid. You're 59 years old. Good

44:01

point. Good. I had a kid when I was

44:03

28. I mean we would have been on skid

44:05

row Oh, yeah. Well, I think a lot of

44:07

the the people

44:10

of color They will

44:12

they will opt for earlier. Hmm.

44:14

And even if they're not rich, they'll do it

44:16

right? Whereas I think whitey wants a little cash. I suppose

44:19

so I mean and you I mean I just was yeah

44:21

I mean I couldn't I don't know how I would have

44:23

what I would have done. He would have been eating a

44:25

piece of a yodel And

44:28

sounds so bad. Yeah, yodels are fun. I like a

44:30

yodel Well,

44:33

let me show up some things. Oh, please start hogging

44:35

with my Florida tails No, all good. So I had

44:37

a gig I think I texted you this night. This

44:39

is a little while ago I forgot to talk about

44:41

in the last couple pods Get

44:44

a gig from all

44:46

Amy Hawthorne Love

44:49

the thorn. Yeah thorn in my paw

44:51

thorn in my side love Amy other

44:53

so shoot Texan goes Hey, I got

44:55

a gig. It's for I don't even

44:57

know what it was for. It was like a fundraiser But

45:00

a thing of that I never read any of

45:02

this shit anymore It just you just kind of

45:04

scan down to that price and date. Yeah, and

45:06

it was a weekday It was like 500

45:09

bucks for a spot. Okay. I like

45:11

your language So I took it 15

45:13

minutes set and it was that it

45:15

was on Park Lane Hotel Oh sounds

45:18

fancy. That's a classy hotel on 59th

45:20

Street right there Central Park South That's

45:22

a hot area right next to the

45:24

plaza. I look out overall

45:26

Central Park right by everything

45:28

there It's spectacular Plaza cable

45:32

and I go and I was off then

45:34

I had worked like Sunday Monday, too Not

45:36

Sunday. I never worked Sunday, but I worked,

45:38

you know the weekend and then had a

45:40

Monday Tuesday Wednesday This is a Thursday and

45:42

Sarah had a spot So we try to work if she has

45:44

a spot I take the night off vice versa be with the

45:46

baby But I said hey, I got

45:48

a $500 offer here. Yeah for 15 minutes Beat

45:53

it. That's that's pretty damn good. Can't turn it down.

45:55

So that's like a tenth of my rent here in

45:57

New York City So I go let me go get

45:59

it So we go great. Her

46:01

sister comes over. She watches the baby. The baby's sleeping

46:03

anyways. I go out there. I said, let me just

46:07

knock this out real quick. I don't know

46:09

what it's for some kind of fundraiser, fancy

46:11

play. So I go park lane. I'll put

46:13

on a jacket. Oh, so

46:15

I put on a jacket. I got a fucking, you know, uh, new

46:18

England Patriots shirt underneath and a

46:20

pair of pants and whatever. That's

46:22

a good look. I show up

46:25

everybody's suits, big hairdos, high heels,

46:27

leather skirts, dressed up to the

46:29

nines, dim lighting. And it's

46:31

like a five star hotel. So

46:34

right away, I was like Louie when he's

46:36

tucking in his t-shirt episode and

46:38

I walk in and you're like, Oh, what is this

46:40

for? And it's, I still don't know what it was

46:43

for. They're raising money for kids, but the kids aren't

46:45

there. They're not parents, they're workers, whatever. And I look,

46:47

it looks pretty diverse. They

46:49

got good food bar. And I'm like,

46:51

all right, this'll be fine. You know,

46:53

whatever. There's a host and I'm going first,

46:56

yada, yada, 15 minutes. I got to

46:59

shoot home because I got the baby. We

47:01

got a babysitter. So I go, okay, nice

47:04

and easy. 500 fucking cash. Boom,

47:06

bam. A lot of simoleons in

47:08

out Thursday after Thursday

47:10

evening, 15. You can do

47:12

it with your eyes open. So it's one of these

47:14

ones where the host goes up and you go, this

47:16

will be fine. He'll do, he'll get them warmed up

47:18

and then we'll get on our way. And

47:21

right away he goes up funny guy. He

47:23

goes up and just goes, yeah,

47:26

so, uh, something, something. Here's a

47:28

punchline. And

47:31

I mean, it was like, I

47:33

got a quick sweat. I was like, Oh,

47:35

wow. Like that was like, that was nothing.

47:38

Oh boy. So then he goes, Oh, well

47:40

anyways. So, uh, scum, a little pop up,

47:42

a bit. And I go, and

47:45

it's just like this.

47:49

Oh boy. I'm about to eat a bag

47:51

of turds and it's not him. He's hilarious.

47:54

And it's just there staring.

47:56

Yeah. And I don't know what the D

47:59

if no one told them it was comedy

48:01

night or if they I don't

48:03

know what happened. Then he gets them

48:05

a couple of times, couple laughs. You hear the

48:07

room laugh. You're like, OK, OK, here we go.

48:09

The next one doesn't quite hit. Then the next

48:11

one does OK. Touch and go.

48:14

Yeah. And you're just kind of like, well, this is

48:16

not hot. But you always have this thing

48:18

as a comic. You go, all right,

48:20

well, get out. Oh, you know, he went up

48:23

cold. Yes, it's going up cold

48:25

in comedy is the hardest thing. It's so

48:27

brilliant, especially in a fundraiser. Absolutely. So

48:29

they're probably thinking he didn't get an intro or anything

48:31

like that. He'll give me a

48:34

good intro. They'll go, OK. And a lot

48:36

of times psychologically, people think whoever goes on

48:38

first sucks. The next guy comes the guy. Right.

48:40

Right. And you got some credentials so that can

48:42

get the psychology as well. So I'm going

48:44

this is going to be rough, but it's

48:46

15 minutes. But I bet I'll

48:48

get them. Oh, I got a good feeling

48:50

about this. So here we come. There is

48:52

fucking YouTube special. Joe and so I try

48:54

to riff a little. I go, oh, YouTube,

48:57

you know, I just want to say, I

48:59

mean, they do well. They have millions of

49:01

years. You guys are probably thinking anyone could

49:03

do a YouTube special. But these are pretty

49:05

successful. Very likable. So everyone goes to this.

49:08

And dead silent. I was like,

49:10

well, just I thought that would be funny because, you know, I

49:12

just I'm saying yesterday on YouTube. I

49:14

mean, I was on the Tonight Show, too. And

49:17

now they're just going like this. And

49:20

I always say it's like a prize fight where

49:22

you have trained. You're ready. You're punching

49:24

yourself. All right. Fight. And then you

49:26

go out and they throw a jab and it just

49:29

stuns you. And you're like, fuck, I shouldn't have taken

49:31

this fight. Yes. That's what it feels like. You're like,

49:33

I'm sad. So then I go, all

49:35

right, let me just. Let

49:37

me not goof around. I'm getting paid.

49:40

This is a fundraiser. I

49:42

got to get them. Business time. Here

49:44

comes my a material. My black

49:47

people versus Edwards. My kids at

49:49

the dentist can't beat it. My,

49:52

you know, seven dirty words. The

49:54

deal with Halloween, whatever. Oh, yeah.

49:56

I hit them with it, Jerry.

49:59

Yes. hit him hard with

50:01

the Picasso baby. I busted out. He's

50:03

not Italian. I mean I busted out

50:05

and boom and it's like this. I

50:09

mean nothing Jerry and this joke's got

50:11

a million tag and tag and tag

50:14

and tag and nothing. And finally I

50:16

go. What's going. I go. I got

50:18

a dismount and start improvising get them

50:20

start doing a little OK self deprecate

50:23

a little bit. What

50:25

is this. I don't know what you

50:27

guys do. What are you the Illuminati.

50:29

That kind of that's good. That's getting

50:31

a couple of T. He's OK. They

50:33

like being talked to because they chose

50:35

you're in the room. Yeah. So then

50:37

I do a couple of those. I

50:39

got the back sweat the front sweat

50:42

the dick sweat. And what are we

50:44

at a minute and a half. Maybe

50:46

three minutes in. Hi. And I'm going.

50:48

And I'm talking there. Blank stare. What

50:50

the fuck. And finally I go. All right. And then

50:53

I do this joke. Another joke.

50:55

A material. Mm zilch Jerry. Did you

50:57

hit him with the touch and paintings.

50:59

I did touch his. I did touch

51:01

his kids. I mean I was giving

51:03

him the good. I went dirty. I

51:05

went sex. I went fucking everything. And

51:08

you know that thing we eventually start going.

51:12

These jokes kill every night. I don't get

51:14

it everywhere every night. Like I'm

51:16

not trying to be an asshole but it's like I.

51:18

How loud you're saying this. Oh yeah.

51:20

Oh wow. OK. So well that comes a little

51:22

later. That comes about 12 minutes and OK.

51:25

So I'm doing a bit that just

51:27

works every night everywhere. Yeah. And they're

51:29

going. So now

51:31

I start to get annoyed. I'm like do you see why

51:34

that would be a funny thing to say. Because

51:36

this isn't this. And then a black woman goes

51:38

yeah we get it. Oh

51:40

I get it. We get it racial from a

51:43

black woman which is extra hurt because you just

51:45

want black women to like you. So you got

51:47

that right fatty. So then I go OK

51:50

I got the we get it. Now I'm getting some

51:52

chocolate because now it's coming apart the seam. So now

51:54

people are starting to laugh here and there. Can't look

51:56

away and I'm going sir can you help me you're

51:58

smiling. What do you. the boss is

52:00

this guy the boss yeah that's getting a laugh

52:02

here okay so it's getting to be a little

52:04

bit something you know you do is put this

52:06

on the patreon so it's getting a

52:09

little bit whatever a couple chuckles here and there

52:11

and I go this guy sir can you this

52:13

one table why is this could some of you

52:15

move over here every trick every

52:17

move in the book it's getting a little bit

52:19

and then I do and now I'm like I'm

52:21

starting to get them oh well so

52:23

I'm about to run out I start doing some

52:25

dick jokes and the suck of my balls and

52:27

this and now that's hitting I'm like I guess

52:29

I should open with the ball material this lady

52:32

looks upset but you're not and she goes I

52:34

am oh Lord

52:36

have mercy on us all I go okay

52:39

well what are you gonna do and I'm just praying

52:41

for that light I think the other two comics are

52:43

late so now I have that feeling of like I'm

52:45

up here it's my time to

52:48

die up here it's like in baseball where the

52:50

bullpen is worn out they just leave a picture

52:52

in they're like the manager give them the

52:54

signal like it's you buddy right and you got to

52:56

just give up all the runs your eras up the

52:58

ass so I'm just eating

53:00

shit and I go uh yeah

53:03

you know because uh you know balls are

53:05

a thing different black lady

53:07

over here we get it jeez

53:09

I get get some new material what is

53:11

this a callback I go all right this

53:13

is a different lady so I go okay

53:16

you get it I go like this do

53:18

you do you

53:20

get it because it seems like you don't get it

53:22

yeah because these jokes work but now I'm having a meltdown

53:24

and then an Asian woman at the bar I swear

53:26

to god this is the craziest heckle I've ever got she

53:29

goes try some similes wow

53:34

how about that heckle wow

53:36

simery simil simile I

53:38

go well what's the sim I go okay at

53:42

this point I don't give a fuck I'm getting like I

53:44

don't I don't I'll get in my

53:46

five order even if they said that was so

53:48

bad you're not getting the money I don't care

53:51

fuck it just let me leave so I go

53:53

uh what's a simile that's like or as comparing

53:55

to things using like or as yes yes and

53:57

I go this gig sucks as much as my

54:00

sister's fucking and I'm just going and

54:02

now like the man are starting to

54:04

let guys breaking down and there's

54:06

a bunch of women just like this and

54:09

then the woman that the similarly ladies like doing

54:11

this she's ducking because it's like oh my god

54:13

I'm so embarrassed but you're like well you yelled

54:16

that out this is your problem I'm like I

54:18

didn't know this was simile comedy I'm trying to

54:20

be similar silly and it was just off the

54:22

rails I haven't bombed like

54:24

that since I

54:27

can't even remember when 20 years the worst

54:29

because you know they're thinking this guy

54:31

sucks and you're like I don't know

54:33

well you guys are ruining everything because you're

54:35

not getting it you're not laughing this is on

54:37

you I literally the minute 19 I was

54:40

like will you guys do me a favor go

54:42

look me up look me

54:44

up guy the tonight I got a standing

54:46

on the tonight show Netflix

54:49

and YouTube millions go read the

54:51

comments on my special I'm telling

54:53

you I got the goods

54:55

folks and the black women are

54:58

just booing and then I get home a

55:00

guy messaged

55:03

Tuesday was that the show that was

55:05

awesome and I'm like awesome what

55:08

are you crazy seriously I wanted to

55:10

get a fucking bow and arrow and

55:12

shoot at myself Wow so what'd you

55:14

think you did 22 I don't know

55:16

it's recorded somewhere I might have deleted

55:18

it probably 18 19

55:21

minutes well you should get more money for

55:23

going over but that

55:26

that's why you get the 500 I guess because

55:28

they knew it was a hell gig and

55:30

did you see the other comics who were

55:32

they any good edwards was going on he

55:34

was died I mean he was he was video

55:37

I can see in the back like video taping

55:39

and taking photos and then we just gave me

55:41

like a big you know that comic hug of

55:43

like whoo I feel you yeah D day and

55:45

now I think they're really busted up because I'm

55:48

like I gave them to be honest I was

55:50

getting some laughs by the end it was like

55:52

I was getting laughs on like the okay what

55:54

it was almost like burr at the stadium

55:56

right well that sucked two more minutes

55:58

oh my god but

56:01

I got two we get it

56:03

and one try some similes I've

56:05

never heard of a tip

56:07

a try this in

56:09

all my years I've heard

56:11

you're not funny you suck you should quit

56:14

you should kill yourself you never who told

56:16

you you were funny I've heard I've heard

56:18

next right but just try a simile Wow

56:20

how about a metaphor I love the

56:23

idea that I just do a simile

56:25

and they're like exactly exactly yeah no

56:27

no simile but I got the money

56:29

and then it's always fascinating because

56:31

now we're 25 years into comedy I'm

56:33

59 years old you

56:36

walk off in the old days you'd be

56:38

bruised and shattered and I got to redo

56:40

my life now you just go hey let

56:43

me just get a lift and get out of here I

56:46

guess you're a little shaken and you're a little wet well

56:48

you're like that was crazy but the

56:50

same jokes I did the previous 250

56:53

shows killed exactly and not just

56:56

for my crowd at the stand

56:58

at the cellar at the wherever

57:00

and bar shows wherever so you're

57:02

like oh what are you

57:04

gonna do that's why I get annoyed with Jerry for

57:06

all those years was like it's never the audience everyone's

57:09

getting excused you're like well how can it not be

57:11

the audience that doesn't make any sense of course I'm

57:13

saying the same thing I said the

57:15

five previous shows exactly what do you mean of

57:17

course the audience they're fucking great they're staring at

57:19

me I know but it's at least

57:21

you're secure enough to know and that comes

57:23

with time and experience that you're like well

57:25

that was horrible that was crazy not

57:28

a good event I'll go home now right

57:30

you're not like oh I need to rethink my

57:32

career maybe I'll quit maybe I'll be a mailman

57:34

right by the way I say it's always the

57:37

audience I'm talking about when you're doing your

57:40

proper yeah I mean you do

57:42

especially you start over guy

57:44

and you're like is this anything and they're staring at you

57:46

that's that's on you that's probably on you

57:48

yeah yeah no I get it yeah this joke but

57:51

it's frustrating how flimsy comedy is because you're

57:53

in a comedy club with those jokes you're

57:55

killing you're in a theater with those jokes

57:57

you're killing you put it in a fun

58:00

fundraiser in a hotel ballroom or wherever

58:02

the fuck you're at and it's ice

58:04

cold. I just did the meridian whatever

58:06

for Seth Herzog. He booked me a

58:08

song. Will Forte is hosting. So I

58:10

go, this is a high level gig.

58:12

Seth is paying me very well. Everybody's

58:14

in a suit. The food is amazing.

58:16

And I ate a bag of horse

58:19

shit for 20 minutes. And

58:21

you just go, I don't know what else to give you. Yeah,

58:24

it's crazy. And that's the thing about comedy that's

58:26

funny too is you're like, well,

58:28

I don't have any other bits. This is my

58:30

act. I just have these bits to tell you.

58:32

Yeah. So let's all just get through it together,

58:34

which I always think comedy should

58:37

be like, it shouldn't be insane

58:39

to end your set early. Sure.

58:42

Like you're like, I'm bummed you guys aren't enjoying

58:44

this. You hate me. Yeah. Good night.

58:46

I know. And then you only did three minutes. I'm

58:48

like, yeah, no, I just, nobody was having fun. But

58:50

you do want to just go, you gotta,

58:52

you should know you're wrong here though. Right.

58:55

If we're going off statistics and recordings,

58:58

oh, I should have caught that. Sorry. That was right at you.

59:01

If we're going out here, hit me again with that. Well, hold

59:03

on. Here we go. If we're going off statistics

59:06

and numbers, one more, you

59:10

know, you're wrong. There

59:13

it is. That

59:16

tasted weird. But- That's probably my

59:18

breath. Thank you. Yeah. So I'm

59:20

just saying, if we're going off

59:23

of 800 other performances versus

59:25

this one, I could really

59:27

make an argument. Well, comedy is funny. It

59:29

is so much setting and also- And mood

59:32

and vibe. And you don't want everyone to

59:34

know each other. You want

59:36

a mixture of a group. You want it mixed. I

59:38

think that's true. And then it's also big round table,

59:40

so it doesn't feel like a

59:42

group. It feels like eight tables

59:44

of people and they know each other and

59:46

then they're all, the bosses are there. And

59:49

so they, everyone's, it's a work environment. You don't

59:51

want a work environment. No, no, no, no. For

59:53

sure. But boy, oh boy, I was grateful for

59:55

the gig. And then you're just in the car

59:57

and like, like I said, two minutes later, I got a-

1:00:00

podcast in and I'm like I'm home 12 minutes

1:00:02

later. Yeah you robbed a bank it was a

1:00:04

little hairy but you got out. And you're like

1:00:06

that was crazy and then you're just like alright

1:00:08

I'll watch the hockey game. At my meridian I

1:00:10

got one of these. That one was good. I'm

1:00:12

bombing one of them kind of hit and I

1:00:14

got a that one was good which is so

1:00:16

fucking frustrating. Yeah it's very annoying and like you

1:00:18

said the hardest part is the ego

1:00:21

of like you're leaving and you're like 100 people

1:00:23

like why'd they get that shitty guy? I know

1:00:25

I know. And you're like no no I'm good.

1:00:28

Yeah and then you want to be like man

1:00:30

I could show you some people. I know.

1:00:32

Which you have all had that too where you're

1:00:34

on a lineup and you're bombing and you're like

1:00:36

guys I don't want to be this one. Yes.

1:00:38

I've looked at the lineup. You better

1:00:41

start enjoying this. Imagine saying

1:00:43

that was me. That

1:00:45

was me. That was me. That was me. That was me. That was me. That was me. That was sheer

1:00:48

fear right there. Sheer fear.

1:00:50

Sheer fear. So let

1:00:52

me just throw this at you. I don't know how much time we have. Oh we have

1:00:54

a clock. What's

1:00:57

that park hotel or park cafe

1:00:59

or whatever? River cafe. Yeah. Sorry.

1:01:02

I'm at the bar. The table's not ready. Where

1:01:05

you at on this? A

1:01:07

couple is next to

1:01:10

me on the terrace of the restaurant.

1:01:12

Proposes. Whoa. Big proposal. Four

1:01:14

feet away from me. I go hey look at that.

1:01:17

I point to the wife. I go look at that.

1:01:19

That's nice. The whole restaurant applauds or whatever. They go

1:01:21

when they walk in and I want to be a

1:01:23

big shot. So I go get

1:01:26

them two glasses of champagne on

1:01:29

the big kahuna here. How about that?

1:01:31

Feels cool. I give them the champagne.

1:01:35

They're at the table. No thank you. Whatever.

1:01:38

It's a nice restaurant. I get the bill. Try

1:01:40

to guess how much the the glasses of champagne

1:01:43

were. Boy I don't know. I don't know

1:01:45

what champagne caught. I'm gonna say 46 bucks.

1:01:48

68 for

1:01:50

two glasses of champagne which

1:01:52

is outrageous. I mean that's

1:01:54

more that's six burritos. So what's that? $30?

1:01:56

$32? $34? I

1:02:00

guess so. I mean I could have bought

1:02:03

five bottles of champagne at the 7-eleven. Thirty-four

1:02:05

dollars for the glass of champagne? Two

1:02:08

glasses, yeah. So I'm

1:02:10

like, no, that's a lot of

1:02:12

money. I just basically gave these guys seventy dollars. I

1:02:14

don't know them. Yeah. Do

1:02:16

I go up and say I was

1:02:19

the champagne guy? I just

1:02:21

want to let you know, you know, 70 bucks, that was

1:02:23

on me. How

1:02:26

do you feel

1:02:28

about that? I mean this whole thing sounds wacky

1:02:31

to me. Yeah. It was

1:02:33

a huge mistake. I'm never sending champagne.

1:02:35

All I wanted was this. Right.

1:02:39

Nothing. Yeah, I don't know.

1:02:41

I mean I don't know why you would do that. You know, we've been

1:02:43

hanging out a long time. I don't

1:02:45

remember any meals getting purchased for me, but...

1:02:47

I'll get you a meal. Well,

1:02:51

maybe now you might, but I mean

1:02:53

two random people, champagne. What has gotten into you? What

1:02:55

is this? Well, it was a nice night out. I

1:02:57

had a blazer on. You had to wear a blazer

1:02:59

for this place, by the way. You couldn't get in

1:03:01

without a blazer. How about this? Where at the table?

1:03:04

And I go, she was cold. The wife is cold. So I go,

1:03:06

oh, I'll take my blazer off. And the guy goes, whoa, whoa, whoa.

1:03:08

You got to wear a blazer in here. And I'm like,

1:03:11

oh, she's cold. I'm already in. I'm going to

1:03:13

eat my appetizer. And he goes, we'll get her

1:03:15

a pachima. Pachima?

1:03:18

The guy from Karate Kid? Pashmina. Pashmina.

1:03:20

Oh, pashmina. They gave her a

1:03:22

pashmina. It's a

1:03:24

scarf. It looks like a burka. But they put

1:03:26

a black scarf over her, and she's like, oh,

1:03:28

thank you. That's screwing her van. And I

1:03:31

go, we're leaving with that pashmina. Now

1:03:33

we're talking. This is more the Mark Norman I know. She's

1:03:35

like, I can't leave with this thing. They'll tackle me. They'll

1:03:38

taste me. I go, give me the pash.

1:03:41

So I took the pashmina. We got a

1:03:43

pashmina at home. Now that sounds more like

1:03:45

you. I mean, this buying champagne for random

1:03:47

people. What are we talking about? Never again.

1:03:50

Are you trying to get into heaven? I thought it

1:03:52

was 10 bucks each, 11 bucks each. How much is

1:03:54

a glass of champagne? I've watched

1:03:56

you eat buffalo wings opposite someone's table, pretend to

1:03:58

bust a table and eat their food. food. I'm

1:04:00

not a buying champagne. Well, if it was

1:04:02

too glad they just proposed, it was the

1:04:04

love is in the air. I felt I

1:04:06

got an urge. Okay. All right. Yeah. I'm

1:04:09

for it. I like it. Well, new new

1:04:11

year, new you that Pazmina was less than

1:04:13

the champagne. Hey, I'll tell you that. So

1:04:15

yeah, I mean, note that I'm a big

1:04:17

thank you guy. I just had a similar

1:04:19

thing. I can't get into it, but I

1:04:21

was buying David dinner's left,

1:04:24

right and center and an

1:04:27

elder person elder

1:04:29

very old not saying anything

1:04:32

and does this. Did we pay?

1:04:34

Yeah, we're all paid up. Oh, great. Okay. We

1:04:36

are like, I don't understand. Like, so what do

1:04:38

you think? Just an all I

1:04:40

want is just a, Hey, thanks a lot. That's nice.

1:04:42

Wait, wait, wait. I'm sorry. I'm

1:04:45

saying I'm buying dinner. I want to name

1:04:47

names, but the person who's old and nobody

1:04:49

know, don't bother going in the comments going.

1:04:51

I bet it was fucking because it's not

1:04:53

a person you know, I see, but you

1:04:55

just like just shoot me a, Hey, all

1:04:57

right. That's very nice and acknowledgement. Yes. That's

1:04:59

all you want. That's all I want. It's

1:05:01

a social contract and this is

1:05:03

a, this is a fucking a

1:05:05

person, you know, like a real, not

1:05:08

some fucking asshole. Yeah. And you go,

1:05:10

all right. You just gotta go about

1:05:12

whatever still did service to the

1:05:14

person, but yeah, that's how you gotta look at

1:05:17

it. That was nice, but a random champagne is

1:05:19

crazy. That's the craziest thing I've ever heard in

1:05:21

my life. Big mistake. And I had the whole

1:05:23

dinner. I was like, I'm going to say something

1:05:25

to the couple and she don't do it. You

1:05:27

know, classic curb moment. And then I get up

1:05:29

to leave and she's like, don't you forget that.

1:05:32

And that table was gone. Now, you know what?

1:05:34

I wonder if the restaurant just said

1:05:36

this is, Oh, don't

1:05:39

even fuck with me. This is free. Here

1:05:42

you go. I'm furious. This

1:05:44

is on the house. I mean, maybe they said it

1:05:46

was from them, but if they said

1:05:48

this is from this guy over here and the people

1:05:50

didn't say, Oh, thank you. Nothing. That's great. Now were

1:05:52

you watching the moment they gave it? I

1:05:55

watched them walk over and then I was like, they're

1:05:58

probably going to give me a thank you or. hat

1:06:00

tip and nothing. Maybe they went to

1:06:02

hat tip and you weren't looking. Yeah maybe but

1:06:04

I was pretty

1:06:06

they would make sure you saw it. Yes yes.

1:06:09

So that was. I don't like that one bit.

1:06:11

I don't either but I had to get that

1:06:14

out. Okay well I would not do that again.

1:06:16

Never again. Oh Jesus just heard the door. Like

1:06:18

the Holocaust. Oh God. Except

1:06:20

mine was real. All right well what do

1:06:22

you got coming up there Sloopy jalopy. What

1:06:24

day is it. It's fucking June 17th almost.

1:06:27

I'm in Key

1:06:29

West this weekend if you happen to be listening

1:06:31

in near Key West come out to Key West

1:06:34

July 25th Seattle the crocodile

1:06:36

that was called Poseidon.

1:06:40

No I think it's crocodile. Does that sound right. I

1:06:42

don't know crocodile rock to rock it

1:06:45

out long. No no it's stupid crocodile.

1:06:47

All right. Let me see. Let me

1:06:49

get the book out. No that's in

1:06:51

New York. It is the crocodile rock.

1:06:54

July 25th the crocodile Atlanta

1:06:57

punchline July 18 19 20

1:07:01

and Portland Maine we

1:07:03

added a show. I think it's almost sold out August

1:07:06

Milwaukee improv August 2nd 3rd. The

1:07:08

goobies I'm back there August 8th

1:07:10

through the 10th and of course

1:07:12

Tampa side splitters my favorite room.

1:07:14

I guess 20 second to the 24th and

1:07:16

then the Cape Cod

1:07:18

melody tent doing a short set with

1:07:20

along with Bobby Kelly Lewis Gomez

1:07:22

and Dan Soder. Oh fun. Rich Voss is

1:07:25

hosting live regs. Yeah but we're doing stand

1:07:27

up on that one. I see. Yeah. All

1:07:30

right. I'm all over the

1:07:32

road. Billy Pittsburgh. I think

1:07:35

I'm in Boston this weekend or I don't know

1:07:37

when this comes out or when I'm on the

1:07:39

road but Colorado Springs

1:07:41

Sioux Falls Cedar Rapids.

1:07:47

The Spokane Seattle Portland

1:07:51

Oregon and

1:07:53

doing Oakland doing

1:07:55

some fun some weird rooms so come

1:07:57

on out check the website punch up

1:08:00

live slash

1:08:02

our names page the stage is up there

1:08:04

the patreon's cooking what do you got Chuckie

1:08:07

cheese check out my podcast fun bearable

1:08:09

fun bearable pod calm we'll be doing

1:08:11

a live show at the comedy connection

1:08:14

in East Providence Rhode Island on Sunday

1:08:16

July 21st it's gonna

1:08:18

be our hundredth episode live we're launching

1:08:20

our shirts I don't know who's gonna be on

1:08:22

it besides Ray Harrington and

1:08:24

Brad roar my co-host but we're gonna get some

1:08:26

other people on it and yeah

1:08:28

we're gonna we just had Zach Valencia on that's

1:08:31

gonna be on so check out fun bearable