0:03

Hey, it's Jeffrey Cranor.

0:06

We're back on the road doing a little East Coast

0:08

swing in November. This is Night Vale's

0:10

new live show, The Attic. Cecil

0:12

discovers slides from an old family road

0:14

trip, which at first seemed fun and joyful, and

0:16

then, well, maybe not so much. Maybe

0:19

there's something sinister and strange too. So

0:21

come see Cecil Baldwin live on stage

0:23

with live performances by Disparition and Symphony

0:26

Sanders as well as our musical guest in November,

0:28

Aaron McKeown. And me, I'll be

0:30

there too. We're in DC on November

0:32

9th, Charlottesville on the 10th, Richmond, Durham,

0:34

Charleston, South Carolina on the 11th, 12th,

0:37

and 13th, then Tampa on the 16th,

0:39

Fort Lauderdale and Jacksonville, Florida on the 17th

0:41

and 18th, and finally, Atlanta on

0:44

November 19th. You can get tickets for this

0:46

and all other dates, including European shows

0:48

in March, over at welcometonightvale.com

0:50

slash live. Also, it's holiday

0:52

season. It's not too early to think about

0:54

getting gifts for others or even yourself.

0:57

Check out the Night Vale store where we have some ugly

0:59

holiday sweaters, as well as a truly

1:02

terrifying holiday sweater new this year that

1:04

I really want you to see. I've already ordered

1:06

mine. Plus, there are holiday cards,

1:09

Cecil and Carlos votive candles, gorgeous

1:11

and soft blankets by Jessica Hayworth, tarot

1:13

decks, and much, much more. There's stuff in

1:15

there for Night Vale fans, as well as those

1:18

in your life who don't listen to the show but are still

1:20

super weird people. Check out all

1:22

of the stuff and things by going to

1:24

welcometonightvale.com and clicking on the

1:27

link below. And hey, happy Halloween, Dia de

1:29

los Muertos, and frown night to all

1:31

who celebrate.

1:34

Tonight is the magical night

1:37

where we light a squash on fire

1:40

and lie to people about who we are.

1:44

Welcome to Desert Bluffs 2.

2:07

Happy Frown Night, Desert

2:10

Bluffs 2! The

2:12

scariest night of the year when

2:14

we are allowed to turn our

2:16

smiles upside down.

2:20

Now usually for these special

2:22

holiday shows, I have my friend

2:25

Lauren Mallard joining me, but

2:27

I haven't seen her for years. Ever

2:29

since her mismanagement of the Mudstone Abyss construction

2:32

project, which was the same night she

2:34

was deposed as Mayor, I

2:37

miss Lauren. Well, guess

2:40

it'll just be me today. And honestly,

2:43

it's nice to be able to talk about this special

2:45

day all by myself. Hi

2:48

Kevin. Oh, smiling God!

2:51

Oh, Lauren!

2:56

I didn't even hear you come in. How

2:58

you been, pal? It's been too long. Fine.

3:02

Um, and you

3:05

look great. As

3:07

always, you always look great.

3:11

You're glowing, literally. There's

3:14

light radiating from your head. Oh,

3:17

that's because I got a new job.

3:20

I'm now High Priestess of the

3:22

Joyous Congregation of the Smiling

3:25

God.

3:25

Did you go to school to become- The

3:27

priesthood is bestowed upon the chosen,

3:29

Kevin. The Smiling God spoke,

3:31

and I'm the High Priestess

3:32

now. Congratulations!

3:37

I'm speechless, Lord. I

3:39

mean,

3:40

Madame High Priestess. We're

3:42

old friends.

3:44

Call me Mother

3:46

Lauren. Welcome to my

3:48

show, Mother Lauren.

3:50

Our show. We do

3:52

the show together. It's a holiday special,

3:54

after all. And I want to wish you and

3:57

all our listeners a very happy-

3:59

frown night. Of course! And

4:03

it looks like you've already painted on

4:05

your frown, Mother Lauren. You

4:07

must be very excited for this day.

4:09

Seems

4:10

like you've forgotten, Kevin. That's

4:13

just how my face looks now, after what

4:15

the angry mom did to me.

4:18

After I was removed from my position as Mayor

4:20

of Desert Bluffs 2, which only happened

4:22

because you didn't like the work I was doing on the mudstone

4:24

abyss, so I have a tattooed

4:27

frown. All the time. Everywhere

4:29

I go, I have to tell people no. Look

4:32

at my actual lips, my actual teeth.

4:34

I am smiling. I am.

4:36

I

4:36

am. Please, believe

4:39

me. And

4:40

I do, because I am in the high priestess

4:42

of the joyous congregation of the smiling God,

4:44

and they weep when they see my eyes.

4:47

The smiling God must have chosen me because I have suffered

4:50

so greatly. Only

4:52

those who have been to the bottom can rise

4:54

to the top, and only those who understand suffering

4:57

may righteously demand

4:59

suffering. So

5:01

no, this isn't makeup.

5:04

It's permanent.

5:06

It's what my face looks like after

5:08

all that. It

5:10

seems maybe you've forgotten. Of

5:13

course,

5:13

the frown isn't my real mouth. See? I'm

5:16

smiling with my actual lips and teeth. Look! You're

5:20

not looking. I'm opening my mouth

5:22

to you, and you're closing your eyes, Kevin. Look

5:24

at these teeth and tell me I'm not happy.

5:26

You're very happy, Mother Lauren.

5:30

Thank you for sharing your

5:32

pleasure with me. Great.

5:35

Let's talk about frown night, Kevin. Old

5:37

friend, are you dressing up for the

5:40

occasion? Of

5:40

course! As a child,

5:43

I loved dressing up for frown

5:45

night. The costumes are my

5:47

favorite part. One year, I

5:50

dressed up as the concept of

5:52

ennui. Everyone was so frightened when they

5:56

saw me. Another year,

5:58

I went as an elderly divorcee. say and

6:01

this year I'm

6:02

going as Daniel Day-Lewis.

6:04

Oh that's a good one but

6:06

I do wish he'd smile more.

6:08

What about you?

6:09

I have a standard headdress made of pixie that

6:12

I have to wear for all religious holidays plus

6:14

the golden robe that covers my entire body

6:16

so no costumes for me anymore but

6:18

a few years ago I had a great outfit for

6:20

frown night. I went as massive corporate

6:23

layoff.

6:23

Everyone was so upset.

6:25

My favorite part of frown night isn't just the

6:28

costumes though. It's going door to door

6:30

trying to make other people frown. If

6:32

you succeed they give you candy and if you don't

6:35

they give you something that looks exactly like candy

6:37

sealed up in official looking candy wrappers

6:39

to the point where it looks like real candy

6:41

but it's actually fish. Oh

6:43

who doesn't love going door to

6:45

door and shouting sob or cod

6:48

with your shoulders slumped eyes downturned?

6:52

It's every kid's favorite night of the year.

6:56

I remember as a child when frown night

6:58

ended I'd take my bag of loot

7:00

and sit on the highest level of the lighthouse.

7:03

The one at the top of the mountain? Of course

7:06

that one! Where else would you

7:08

put a lighthouse, Lauren?

7:09

I was thinking it might be the lighthouse in Dust Valley

7:11

next to the abandoned submarine or

7:14

the one in the frozen food section at Vons?

7:16

No never those.

7:18

I liked the one on top of the mountain the

7:20

best because the light still works

7:23

and under the spinning lamp I would open my

7:25

bag carefully pulling out each

7:27

piece of candy.

7:29

Snickers, Reese's, Manashevitz,

7:33

Pep Boys' generic store brand. All

7:35

the classics!

7:37

And then I would smell each

7:39

one making sure it wasn't warm uncooked

7:41

halibut or tilapia.

7:43

Oh tilapia was the worst always. There

7:46

was an old lady on my street who made giant

7:48

popcorn balls out of tilapia and canned hominy.

7:51

Oh they look so delicious but if you bit into them without

7:53

smelling first you'd have stomach pains

7:55

for weeks. It's all part of the

7:57

spirit of frown

7:58

night! Sure is.

7:59

In fact, shall we tell

8:02

the story of Frown Knight?

8:03

We shall.

8:05

Many years ago,

8:07

in a small desert town, there

8:09

lived the Schlecht family. There

8:12

was Mr. Schlecht, Mrs. Schlecht,

8:15

Sister Schlecht, Brother Schlecht,

8:17

and even their dog, who was a Basset

8:19

Hound named Mallow. They

8:22

were very, very mean, and

8:24

they went around making everyone else

8:26

very, very unhappy.

8:28

The Schlechts did not smile. The

8:31

Schlechts believed only in smiling

8:33

when they felt happy, which was not all the time.

8:35

Not all the time? That's

8:37

a long way to say never, Lauren. Heh

8:40

heh heh. You always have such good

8:42

grammar tips, Kevin. Nothing makes

8:45

me happier than hearing about errors in my

8:46

speech. The best way to improve oneself

8:49

is to hear about your imperfections from

8:51

others. Pfft. Pfft.

8:54

Pfft.

8:56

Not only did the Schlechts refuse to smile

8:58

all the time, they did other horrendous

9:00

things, like refusing to hold the door

9:02

for other people, even though those people were

9:04

within 400 yards of the entrance. One

9:08

day, while visiting a bakery, a

9:10

place with nothing to offer but happiness,

9:13

Mr. Schlecht ordered a strawberry tart.

9:15

But when the tart came, he said, I'm

9:18

sorry, this is a banana fudge sickle,

9:21

and that's not what I ordered. How

9:23

rude! He didn't. He

9:26

did.

9:26

And when they brought him the strawberry

9:28

tart, you know what he said.

9:30

He didn't say, praise

9:32

the smiling God, and may happiness

9:35

swallow you whole? No.

9:38

Mr. Schlecht said nothing. He

9:41

just nodded and left. No smile.

9:44

No fealty to our blessed devourer. Oh,

9:47

this

9:50

is such a scary story.

9:53

I love it. But

9:56

let's talk now about tonight's

9:58

costume contest at the Red Center. Before

10:01

you go out tonight sob or codding friends,

10:04

make sure you stop by the rec center at 6 p.m.

10:07

and show off your scariest frown.

10:09

It's the one night a year where

10:11

all frowns are legal and you can

10:13

even win prizes. First

10:16

place gets dental surgery. It's

10:18

not free but it's mandatory which is

10:21

pretty much the same thing. Second

10:24

place gets driven out into the desert and

10:26

left there. Third place gets

10:29

shunned but don't worry I'm

10:31

sure you can do better than third place.

10:34

Okay let's get back to our story about the

10:36

Schlecht family. And

10:36

I want to add that the smiling God loves all

10:39

its children no matter what unless

10:41

you're shunned. If your community doesn't

10:43

want you the smiling God doesn't either so

10:46

make sure you get one of the top two spots

10:48

in the costume contest.

10:51

And now back to

10:53

the story of frown night.

10:56

One day Mrs. Schlecht told her, Lauren,

11:00

um, mother Lauren where

11:03

did you go? I'm here. I can't

11:06

see you.

11:07

Your chair is empty but I hear your voice.

11:09

I'm with you.

11:11

I'm always with you my child. Continue

11:14

with your story. You have my blessing.

11:17

Thank you for your blessing but

11:19

also it's my radio show so I'll continue

11:22

either way. Of course. Free

11:24

will does seem real doesn't it?

11:27

So

11:29

one sunny day Mrs. Schlecht

11:32

saw her neighbor Miss Felice outside

11:34

on her lawn. Miss Felice

11:37

said smiles upon you Mrs.

11:39

Schlecht how are you on this happy day?

11:42

And Mrs. Schlecht said you know Tina

11:45

it's been hard. Jonathan

11:48

and the kids and I don't feel like we

11:50

fit in. Everyone

11:52

is always so happy. Everyone

11:55

is always smiling and sometimes

11:57

we feel lonely and unfulfilled. because

12:00

we do not feel happy every second of every

12:02

day. As Mrs.

12:05

Schlecht finished saying this, Ms.

12:07

Veliz clasped her hands to

12:09

her mouth to cover her shock. It's

12:11

only polite, of course, to cover your mouth when

12:13

you're not smiling. Meanwhile,

12:16

Sister and Brother Schlecht were playing a baseball

12:19

game with some of their classmates at the park. Brother

12:22

Schlecht was hit in the head by a fly ball,

12:24

and he began to cry. His

12:26

older sister ran to him and held

12:29

him. She wept too, knowing

12:31

that he felt such pain. The

12:34

other player stared in disbelief at such

12:36

a vulgar display of sadness,

12:39

and they ran home to tell their parents, who

12:41

told their friends. Soon,

12:44

everyone in town was terrified

12:46

about what to do about this very

12:48

sad family.

12:49

As the prophet Rick O'Malley once said,

12:52

cheer up, y'all. You're back! I've been here

12:54

the whole time, Kevin. But

12:56

you... But you... Don't be silly. I'm

12:59

everywhere now. It's my job. Sometimes

13:02

I'm not visible, but I can see all and

13:04

do all. As High Priestess, I must

13:06

be the eyes and ears of the smiling God.

13:09

It demands that I report back to it what

13:11

everyone is doing

13:12

and thinking and feeling.

13:14

So you keep a... what, a

13:16

spreadsheet of people who do bad things

13:19

and good things? No. That's

13:22

the holy accountant's job, Kevin. I'm

13:24

the High Priestess. I'm a much higher pay grade

13:26

than Bookkeeper. But... You

13:30

do keep a lot of those things

13:31

in my mind. Can I ask... No.

13:33

Not even a hint as to how the smiling God

13:35

sees me?

13:36

I'm only allowed to tell people happy news.

13:38

And if I told you what the smiling God really

13:40

thinks of you, you'd become sad and

13:42

the smiling God does not like it when you're sad. So...

13:46

No.

13:48

Finish your story, Kevin. The

13:50

Schlechts were making the entire town

13:53

sad. And no one knew what

13:55

to do about it. You know,

13:57

when I think someone is feeling sad, I won't

13:59

talk to them again. For months, maybe years,

14:01

it's important

14:01

to give people space. Isn't

14:05

that what you do, Kevin?

14:06

It does sound like an emotionally mature

14:08

response. One

14:11

day, the Schlecks went too

14:13

far. They were feeling so

14:15

lost and confused that they decided

14:17

to hire a family therapist.

14:20

Oh, that sounds like a good idea.

14:22

No, not shock therapy.

14:25

Talk therapy. No! Yes!

14:28

Kevin, talk therapists just

14:30

let you feel your sadness. Get

14:32

in touch with it.

14:34

The mortal fin. Talk therapy was illegal

14:36

in town and still is to this day.

14:39

In fact, all mental health services

14:42

are illegal because you shouldn't be allowed to

14:44

charge someone money to help them

14:46

feel better when smiles are

14:48

naturally free. Amen! Unbeknownst

14:51

to the Schlecks, their family

14:53

therapist was actually an undercover

14:56

officer. It was part of

14:58

a sting and the entire Schlecks

15:00

family was arrested, even

15:03

the Basset Hound, Mallow.

15:04

And they learned their lesson and began to smile

15:06

all the time because prison is the

15:08

only way to reform criminal behavior.

15:10

99% of the time, yes, but not in this case.

15:16

The Schlecks grew even sadder

15:18

in jail. Even from behind

15:21

stone walls and metal bars, the

15:23

whole town could feel them frowning.

15:26

It was unbearable and they

15:29

knew they had to do something.

15:33

More on this spooky frown night story,

15:35

but first, the weather.

15:50

It was summer school,

15:53

but he brought me

15:55

to church. Later,

15:59

well, Like a girl on

16:02

my mother's

16:04

couch And

16:07

the whole world

16:10

speaks on that

16:12

July night

16:16

When the rules that we learned

16:18

diverge from

16:21

our lives

16:24

After work on the town

16:27

we kissed as the sun

16:29

got low

16:33

When the light was all gone

16:37

and the square emptied

16:40

out

16:42

You reached for my hand

16:45

and put it under your blouse

16:51

My heart skipped a beat

16:54

when you opened my

16:57

mouth And

17:00

the whole world

17:02

stepped on that

17:04

July

17:07

night

17:08

And I prayed for the first

17:10

time out loud in seventeen

17:12

years of life Mother,

17:19

forgive me, mother,

17:24

you're new Mother,

17:28

there's something I've

17:31

got to tell you

17:34

Only Mitchell

17:36

at dawn who

17:39

could forget

17:44

And dancing at merry-mends

17:47

in their back room

17:52

When the music

17:55

stopped on that

17:57

July

17:59

night We kept

18:01

singing out loud as we could.

18:04

We kept singing for

18:06

life. When

18:10

the music

18:12

stops on a

18:14

July

18:16

night, we

18:18

sing for ourselves.

18:22

We sing for our

18:24

life. We

18:27

sing for ourselves.

18:30

We sing for our

18:33

lives.

18:40

Listeners, Lauren's gone again. Still

18:43

here.

18:44

Just because you can't see me doesn't mean

18:46

I can't see you, Kevin. I take it back. Lauren's

18:48

always here. Mother Lauren, please. And finish your story, child.

18:53

Mother Lauren, yes.

18:56

So the town knew they had

18:58

to help the Schlechts, and they rallied

19:00

together like any good community would when

19:02

one of their flock was suffering. The

19:05

whole town showed up at the jail one

19:07

night, and they broke in and fed the

19:09

Schlechts candy. Candy

19:11

always makes people happy. And

19:14

it worked! Hooray! But 30 minutes

19:16

later, the Schlechts were sad again, complaining

19:19

about something they called a sugar

19:22

crash. I don't

19:23

know that phrase. It sounds

19:25

Latin. Were the Schlechts trying to

19:28

chant a curse on the town?

19:29

The candy having failed. The

19:31

town hired the famous clown,

19:33

Paliace, to entertain

19:35

the Schlechts. It would be hard

19:38

not to feel joy and peace

19:40

when a clown visits you unexpectedly

19:43

in a locked room. But

19:46

the Schlechts only screamed in

19:48

horror at Paliace's famous

19:51

routine where he stands motionless

19:53

at the end of a long darkened corridor.

19:56

Oh, goodness, that's adorable. It is!

19:59

But for some reason it caused the Schlechts

20:02

to shiver in fright. At

20:05

this point, the town had only one plan

20:07

left. They grabbed the Schlechts

20:09

and pinned them down. Using

20:11

house keys and fingernail clippers

20:13

and whatever else they could find in their homes,

20:16

the whole town carved smiles

20:18

into the Schlechts' faces. But

20:22

this failed too, as

20:25

the Schlechts wailed and moaned

20:27

about the pain.

20:29

Of course they did.

20:30

They were all out of ideas. But

20:32

then, they remembered the

20:35

lessons of their divine devourer,

20:37

the Smiling God. The

20:39

word is the truth. They carried

20:42

the Schlechts to the river of joy and

20:44

baptized each one of them by pushing

20:46

their faces into the rushing muddy sludge

20:49

of the water. And it was a success!

20:52

The Schlechts were no longer frowning.

20:54

Praise to the beast with a thousand legs

20:57

and a thousand and one teeth.

20:58

Yes!

21:00

Mr. Schlechts, Mrs. Schlechts,

21:02

Sister

21:02

Schlechts, Brother Schlechts. And

21:04

even the Basset Hound Mallow each

21:07

sank deeper and deeper into the

21:09

thick river until they were all gone.

21:12

Their souls were delivered down into

21:14

the fiery depths of love

21:17

and compassion. Joy, joy, joy,

21:20

joy! And every year on this

21:22

night, what we now call Frown

21:25

Night, we paint our faces

21:27

with frowns and dare each other to make

21:29

us sad. And if we fail,

21:32

we're given fish flesh in candy

21:34

wrappers. It's

21:36

important that we face our greatest fear.

21:39

And that is sadness.

21:41

And it's important that we face our past,

21:43

too.

21:44

The story of the Schlechts is not always

21:47

a happy one, but we must make amends

21:49

for the wrongs of history.

21:50

Of

21:51

course. Because to ignore

21:53

our past is to destroy our future.

21:57

I hope you don't have anything in your past

21:59

that you... You've not atoned for, Kevin.

22:01

No, I'm good. Of course you are.

22:04

Well, I'm going to wear my tattooed

22:06

frown to the costume contest now. It's

22:09

not a tattoo I ever wanted for myself,

22:11

and it was certainly not a punishment

22:14

that I deserved, but yet, like

22:16

all things in earth and sky, it

22:18

makes me very, very happy.

22:23

May your future be all smiles, my child.

22:25

And with that, she's gone. Still

22:27

here.

22:29

Still everywhere.

22:31

Don't forget it. Stay tuned

22:34

next for a hissing crowd celebrating

22:36

a third place finish.

22:39

And as always, until

22:41

next time, Desert Bluffs 2. Until

22:45

next time. Welcome to Desert Bluffs 2.

22:58

Welcome to Desert Bluffs 2 is a

23:00

production of Night Vale Presents. It

23:02

is written by Joseph Fink and Jeffrey

23:04

Kreiner and produced by Disparition.

23:07

The voice of Lauren is Lauren Sharp.

23:09

The voice of Kevin is Kevin Arfree.

23:12

Original music by Disparition and Joseph

23:15

Fink. All of it can be found at Disparition.Bancamp.com

23:19

and JosephFink.Bancamp.com. This

23:22

episode's weather was Summer School

23:24

by Erin McKeown. Find more, including

23:27

her podcast Facts of Life, from

23:29

which this song came, at the link

23:31

in our show notes.

23:32

Comments, questions, email us at info

23:34

at welcometonightvale.com,

23:36

or follow us on Twitter, I guess, at Night Vale

23:38

Radio, and on Instagram, at Night

23:40

Vale Official. We now have a TikTok and

23:42

a Tumblr as well, both at

23:45

Night Vale Official. Most importantly, check

23:47

out welcometonightvale.com, where we have

23:49

a twice monthly mailing list that is the best

23:51

way to keep up to date directly from

23:53

us to you. You can learn about things

23:56

like our brand new live show, The Addicts, touring

23:58

throughout the rest of the year, and

23:59

in 2024. Today's

24:02

proverb, it turns out that you don't have to

24:04

wait until Halloween. Any night of the year you

24:06

can knock on a stranger's door and demand a

24:08

treat under the threat of a trick.

24:09

They just won't react well at

24:12

all. Hey

24:26

y'all, it's Jeffrey Craner. So I do another

24:28

fiction podcast called Within the Wires, which

24:31

are stories told through the guise of

24:33

found audio. Each season is

24:35

a separate tale. You want a prison

24:37

escape told through relaxation tapes? That's

24:39

season one. Want a love story that unfurls

24:41

through voice messages only? Season five.

24:44

How about the revelations of an unexplained

24:46

death told through a series of museum

24:48

audio guides? Season two. There

24:51

are seven seasons of Within the Wires

24:53

for you to binge right now, each only 10

24:55

episodes long. So go get Within

24:57

the Wires wherever you get your podcasts.