0:04

Hey y'all, it's Jeffrey Cranor. I'm out

0:06

on the road. We're just wrapping up a few more southeastern

0:08

shows. If you're listening to this episode on the day

0:10

it comes out, you still have time to come see

0:12

us in Tampa tomorrow, November 16th,

0:15

Fort Lauderdale on the 17th, Jacksonville

0:17

on the 18th, or Atlanta on the 19th. We're

0:19

performing our new Night Vale live show, The Attic,

0:21

starring Cecil Baldwin, Symphony Sanders, Disparition,

0:24

and me with musical guest Aaron McKeown.

0:27

We'll also be on a western tour

0:29

in January, going from Austin to LA

0:32

and up to Seattle. We'll be in Europe in

0:34

March, and we have some northern US shows

0:36

plus Toronto in April. You can get

0:38

tickets to any of these shows now at welcometonightvale.com

0:42

slash live. I should also tell you, it's

0:44

time to buy your holiday gifts. You can get these

0:46

for the Night Vale lovers in your life, and this

0:48

includes you too. Always

0:50

buy yourself a present. Every day. Go

0:53

do it now. Over at the Night Vale store

0:55

we have cozy, freaky fleece blankets

0:57

designed by Jessica Hayworth. We have holiday

1:00

sweaters. The one I got for myself is one designed

1:02

by Rob Wilson that has a snowman holding

1:05

an axe. There are also disturbing

1:07

holiday greeting cards, Cecil and Carlos

1:09

votive candles, tarot decks, two different designs

1:12

of those by the way, and shorts of course

1:14

that have creepy on the butt. Plus,

1:16

cool t-shirts. My favorite is the new shirt

1:19

that has that famous Herman Melville quote.

1:21

Call me. Check out all the stuff

1:24

and things by going to welcometonightvale.com

1:27

and clicking on store. That's

1:29

welcometonightvale.com, click on store, and hey,

1:32

happy holidays. And by holidays, I

1:35

mean the start of hockey season. Go Scorpions.

1:40

Ah, that crisp fall air.

1:42

That crunchy fall air. Love

1:45

that nice hard crust on the

1:47

fall air. Welcome

1:50

to Night Vale.

2:17

For today's top story we take you out

2:20

to the sand wastes. Archaeologist

2:22

Harrison Kip published a paper last month

2:24

stating that he has evidence to suggest there

2:27

is a major find out there

2:30

somewhere. He's not sure what

2:32

it is, he's quote going on

2:34

gut, but Kip is positive

2:36

he'll find something worthy of putting in a

2:38

museum. Frankly the

2:41

Natural History Museum of Greater Night Vale

2:43

is really putting the screws to me all,

2:45

Kip said while nervously smoking a cigarette

2:48

in an alley behind the old town 7-11. If

2:51

I don't find something huge and soon

2:53

I may never see my family again,

2:56

he continued. Kip then

2:58

dashed out his Benson and Hedges gold

3:00

on his boot heel and said I'm doing this

3:02

to save my wife Samantha and our four

3:05

children.

3:05

He then

3:07

jumped into his cook up and sped off toward

3:09

the sand wastes. When reached for

3:11

comment his wife Angela said Harrison

3:14

is always trying to save us from ruthless

3:16

museum curators. Archaeology

3:18

is a dangerous job. I knew

3:20

that when I married him. We'll

3:23

have more on Harrison Kip's dig soon,

3:26

but now it's time for the children's fun

3:28

fact science corner. Hey

3:31

kids, today we're going to learn how

3:33

to make butter. All you need

3:35

is a jar with a lid and some heavy cream.

3:38

You'll also need a farm and a cow,

3:41

preferably a female cow. You'll

3:43

also need access to a processing facility

3:45

that can handle small batch pasteurization.

3:48

Okay, did you get all the supplies? Great.

3:52

Ooh, and make sure your parents

3:54

are around when you do this because you want

3:56

to show them up. Don't let your parents

3:58

win at no- things, demonstrate

4:01

that you can make butter from something that is not

4:04

butter, like Jesus did with the wine.

4:07

He did that to show his dad that he

4:09

was a big boy now, and so

4:11

are you. What are you? 12? 13? Wow!

4:13

You're almost a grown-up.

4:16

You don't need

4:18

me to tell you how to make butter. You're

4:20

almost old enough to get a job and move to the city

4:23

where you can just buy butter and ignore your

4:25

parents. In fact, might as

4:27

well get a head start on that. See

4:29

if the processing facility needs a foreman

4:31

or something. Good luck.

4:34

This has been the Children's Fun Fact Science

4:37

Corner. Harrison

4:40

and his team of archaeologists arrived

4:43

in the sand wastes and they're already

4:45

started their search for something, anything

4:48

of note, to bring back to the museum.

4:51

Harrison was sweating, not from the heat,

4:53

but from fear of what will be done to him

4:55

or his family should he fail to come through

4:58

on his promises. Never cross

5:00

a museum curator is the most important

5:02

thing you learn in Archaeology Academy,

5:05

so whatever he finds better be significant.

5:09

Thankfully Harrison has many friends

5:11

in the scientific community like Blake

5:13

Jones, Nelancina Sickdar,

5:16

and my favorite Carlos Robles,

5:19

all of whom are helping out on the big dig

5:21

with their shovels and brushes and back hose.

5:24

Harrison also belongs to a, well,

5:27

I'm not going to call it a church, a

5:30

religious order. That seems right.

5:33

Anyway, the entire congregation showed

5:36

up in their matching gray onesies to help

5:38

out their brother. Blake

5:40

Jones found pieces of a skeleton

5:42

he believed belonged to a giant

5:44

squid. Harrison Kip was momentarily

5:47

thrilled to hear that there was evidence

5:49

of this rarely encountered sea beast

5:52

right here in the desert, but when he learned

5:54

it was only a femur and a few metatarsals,

5:57

he deflated. Squid

5:59

leg bones. or a dime a dozen, Kip

6:02

snorted. I need to find a ribcage

6:04

or a skull to really have something."

6:08

Nelanchina Cyptar, though, she

6:10

had discovered some ancient pottery, but

6:12

it turned out to be the remains of an alien spacecraft.

6:16

And Carlos found a Russian submarine

6:18

beneath one of the dunes and muttered, another

6:20

one of these things while rolling his eyes.

6:24

All of these are nice enough discoveries. Any

6:26

museum would be content to have these objects

6:28

to add to their collections of squid legs,

6:31

UFO wreckage, and desert

6:32

submersibles. But nothing

6:34

about these findings is unique.

6:37

Harrison was close to giving up. He

6:40

wanted to call it a day and go home,

6:43

and then shave off his long hair and beard,

6:45

change his name, and move to some Indianapolis

6:47

suburb, praying every night to

6:50

his many gods that the Natural History

6:52

Museum of Greater Night Vale would never

6:54

find him.

6:55

But that's

6:56

when it happened. Carlos

6:59

was walking toward Harrison, planning to give

7:01

him a friendly, sympathetic embrace and

7:03

maybe some cool ideas for new

7:05

names

7:05

like Shaka,

7:07

or Hieronymus, or El Capitan.

7:10

But Carlos tripped on a cable. He

7:12

thought it was just a power cord for Nelanchina's

7:15

Dirt Devil, but it was actually

7:17

a tripwire. Soon,

7:19

a rumble. Then,

7:21

a shifting of the Earth. All

7:23

of the archaeologists, the scientific

7:26

volunteers, and the hundreds of people

7:28

I've never seen in my life who all apparently

7:30

belong to Harrison Kip's religious order had

7:33

to jump back to avoid the hole that formed

7:35

in the sand wastes. From

7:37

that hole rose a 30 meter limestone

7:41

cube.

7:43

More on that soon. But first, here's

7:46

this week's community calendar.

7:49

Friday afternoon at Big Rico's Pizza,

7:51

Big Rico himself will be offering pizza

7:53

making classes. He'll teach you how to

7:55

melt the cheese, how to heat up the tomato

7:58

sauce, and how to pour food. of

8:00

that onto a paper plate. This

8:03

is a great course for both beginners and master

8:05

pizza chefs alike. The classes

8:08

are only 17 minutes long and participants

8:10

must wear clothing as they do not

8:12

want to repeat of what happened last year. This

8:15

Saturday at the Night Vale Convention Center in Car

8:18

Wash is the annual knife show featuring

8:20

every kind of knife you can imagine.

8:23

Chef's knives, butterfly knives, utility

8:26

knives, smart knives, kitten

8:28

knives, and jagged shards

8:30

of glass. Come on out to the convention

8:33

center in Car Wash to point at all the knives

8:35

and go, oooooooh,

8:38

and owie! It's

8:40

a fun event for the whole family. My

8:43

friend and Night Vale City Council member, Tamika

8:45

Flynn, told me about the knife show. She

8:48

asked me if I wanted to go with her and the strange

8:50

nameless boy she's been fostering. I'm not

8:53

into knives myself. I'm more

8:55

of a hook guy. But still, it

8:58

sounded like the boy really

9:00

wanted to go and she wanted someone

9:02

to help supervise him. She didn't

9:04

sound like she could really stop him from going

9:06

even if she tried. So come on

9:09

out to the knife show and help us keep this

9:11

kid away from the knives. Finally,

9:15

this Monday is a critically important

9:17

day for everyone in town. The

9:20

National Guard in conjunction with NASA,

9:22

the American Dental Association, and the

9:24

President of the United States has warned us

9:27

that under no circumstances should you... Hold

9:30

on listeners. I have to interrupt the community

9:32

calendar for a bit of breaking news. I

9:35

just received a press release from

9:37

the Natural History Museum of Greater Night

9:40

Vale saying that they have discovered the

9:42

Tomb of the Ancestors, a

9:45

structure once thought to be either lost

9:47

to time or simply a myth. Harrison

9:50

Kipp did it. He made a major

9:52

discovery. The official

9:54

opening of this brand new exhibit is today.

9:58

Only minutes from now, everyone... Everyone drop

10:00

what you're doing and go check it out.

10:04

I'm being told by an anonymous

10:06

source present at the dig that Harrison

10:09

Kipp and his archaeological helpers found

10:11

a secret entrance into that enormous

10:14

stone cube in the sand wastes.

10:17

Inside, they saw a large wooden

10:19

panel upon which was painted the words,

10:22

Welcome to the Tomb of

10:24

the Ancestors. Everyone

10:26

seeing this, Harrison tore off his sunglasses

10:29

and declared, I believe this to be,

10:31

and here he paused for dramatic effect,

10:34

the Tomb of the Ancestors. And

10:37

the whole crowd erupted in cheers. They

10:40

immediately began dismantling the elaborate

10:42

construction, opening burial chambers,

10:45

and taking selfies in front of death masks.

10:49

Every member of the town elder council,

10:51

the founding entity of Night Vale was

10:54

buried in the Tomb of the Ancestors

10:56

on the exact same day, November

10:59

15th, 1831. Many

11:02

of the founders were already dead, but many

11:05

were not. Still they

11:07

knew it was a sacrifice they had to make

11:09

for their fledgling city. As

11:12

town elder Archibald Plancherson

11:14

said on the moment of entombment, wait,

11:17

don't close the tomb yet. I have to pee.

11:21

And to this day, those words are

11:23

emblazoned on our city's flag and

11:25

official seal. At least

11:28

that was the legend we had always been

11:30

told. But it seems that it was

11:32

not a legend after all. Here

11:35

is actual proof that the town elder

11:37

council built an elaborate

11:39

tomb and buried themselves

11:41

in the sand wastes. They

11:43

apparently also set a bunch of tracks like

11:46

boulder webs, swinging spikes

11:48

and a slide covered in chocolate sauce.

11:51

But after surviving those hidden dangers, scientists

11:54

Blake Jones and Nelanchina Sikdar

11:57

found the mummified bodies of

11:59

the town elder council. their counsel, all

12:01

perfectly preserved and all

12:03

wearing their famed soft meat

12:06

crown. Listen,

12:09

I know science isn't a competition, but

12:11

if it were, Carlos would be the best

12:13

scientist. But it's not, so we'll

12:16

just settle for calling him the best person. Anyway,

12:19

Carlos found some writing carved into

12:21

the stone walls above the bodies. That

12:24

text read, all

12:26

who disturb this grave will

12:29

be cursed. Carlos

12:32

warned Harrison they could be in terrible danger.

12:35

Harrison replied, oh yeah, good catch

12:37

my guy. Hey, can you help me load these

12:39

sarcophagi onto my truck? More

12:42

on the new exhibit at the museum in a moment.

12:45

But first, let's have a look at traffic. The

12:48

highway department reports there are soaring

12:50

apparitions all over town flooding

12:53

out of a giant hole in the sand wastes.

12:56

Officials admitted that the apparitions are

12:58

beautiful, alluring even. But

13:01

they warned that these apparitions are causing

13:03

major visibility issues on our roadways.

13:06

Plus, if you look directly at the apparitions,

13:09

no matter how pre-possessing they may be, you

13:11

will definitely melt. Your

13:14

eyes will turn to liquid, followed by

13:16

your head and then the rest of your body.

13:19

And all that will remain of you is a puddle

13:21

of filth that will then burst into flames.

13:24

And from those flames will emerge another apparition,

13:26

not unlike a super pretty phoenix. The

13:29

highway department is recommending that everyone

13:31

stay off the roads unless absolutely

13:34

necessary. And if you do have

13:36

to drive anywhere, keep those eyes

13:39

closed. This has been

13:41

traffic. So,

13:45

um, listeners, I can see

13:47

some apparition-looking things swooping

13:49

around outside my studio. The

13:52

highway department is actually right. They're

13:54

gorgeous. The highway department

13:56

and I don't always agree on what we find attractive,

13:58

but in this case... They're spot on.

14:02

Okay Cecil, don't look directly at

14:04

the apparitions. Try to understand what they're

14:06

doing and report on it without staring

14:09

for too long. From

14:11

the corner of my eye, it seems the

14:13

apparitions are swirling above a single

14:16

spot a few blocks from here. That's

14:18

right where the Natural History Museum is. In

14:21

fact, it's where the opening of the new exhibit

14:23

is starting right now. Um,

14:26

as I go to investigate this breaking story,

14:28

you will go to the weather. I

16:00

love you Don't

16:19

say it's just me I'm

16:25

sorry, sorry, sorry

16:29

I can't believe This

16:35

world of hate Is

16:39

blowing Over

16:45

you Nothing

16:50

can change

17:17

Nothing can

17:22

change Nothing

17:52

can change Nothing can change It's

18:01

just mine,

18:03

it's mine.

18:22

First things first. The new exhibit

18:24

was awesome. There

18:27

was a huge crowd outside of

18:29

the museum clamoring to get in. Most

18:31

of these people were excited to see the exhibit,

18:34

but I think a few were just scared of the

18:36

apparitions flying overhead and wanted

18:38

to get inside as quickly as possible. Of

18:41

course, I brought my hat that has a note card

18:43

jammed into the brim, upon which

18:45

is the handwritten word, press. So,

18:48

with this credential, I was allowed priority

18:50

access. I, along

18:53

with the first dozen or so museum goers,

18:55

was met in the exhibit hall by the museum's

18:58

head curator, Thomas O.

19:00

Tommy Tutham's Cavalieri. Tommy

19:03

Tutham's blindfolded us before entering,

19:06

explaining that the apparitions were everywhere,

19:09

and he couldn't afford the insurance if we were allowed

19:11

to see anything. Ain't nobody

19:14

seeing nothing, he snapped. I

19:16

could smell stale cigars and sharp

19:19

cologne. Tommy

19:21

and his top archaeology boss, Harrison

19:24

Kip, walked us through the exhibit.

19:27

Instead of seeing what was on display,

19:29

they carefully explained each item

19:31

to us. Wait, this is

19:33

a casket, and this is

19:36

another gasket, and here's

19:38

a bowl of eyeballs. Although

19:41

I think that one was just peeled grapes. It

19:44

was really, really cool. For me,

19:46

the highlight of the tour was a journal they

19:48

found. It's pages in impeccable

19:51

condition. I loved hearing

19:53

the words read aloud to us, all

19:55

these old phrases from a much

19:58

earlier time, things like, I

20:00

beseech thee, and that's

20:02

so dope, and Green

20:04

Day rules. Toward

20:07

the end of the tour though, I could feel the

20:09

apparitions whirling about their movements

20:11

becoming more agitated. The

20:14

air grew cold every time one

20:16

came near, and the apparitions'

20:18

wails and shouts were drowning out Harrison's

20:21

and Tommy's voices. Soon

20:23

the room was filled with bone-chilling

20:26

shrieks. Since we were

20:28

blindfolded, we didn't know what was happening

20:30

until it was too late. All of the museum

20:32

goers, as well as Harrison and Tommy,

20:35

were surrounded by a spinning circle

20:37

of screaming, beautiful spirits.

20:40

It felt like the end. The

20:42

sounds of their shouts were hideous, but

20:44

somehow attractive. I

20:46

wanted to take off my blindfold and look at

20:48

them to see what could make such

20:51

a lovely but haunting noise.

20:54

Sensing my temptation, Harrison grabbed

20:56

my arm and said, no, Cecil, it's

20:59

like we say in my place of worship, if

21:01

you know too much, you have to die.

21:04

So keep them blinders on your eyes, friend.

21:07

I know what I have to do. And

21:09

with that, Harrison was gone. I

21:12

called out for him, but there was no response. He

21:14

had fled, leaving us alone to face

21:17

the wrath of the angry spirits, but moments

21:20

later, I heard a rumble and a roar

21:22

and a crash. It

21:24

was Harrison's pickup truck bursting through

21:26

the stanchions and into the museum.

21:29

Load them caskets into bed, y'all, he

21:31

shouted. And so we began to reach for

21:33

the caskets. Harrison then said, nope,

21:35

nope, to your left. No, your other

21:38

left. Yep, there you go.

21:41

Blind and scared, we lifted the artifacts

21:44

into his Dodge Ram 4500 with extended cargo bed.

21:48

I leapt into the passenger seat as he was driving

21:51

off. It pulled out of the museum

21:53

parking lot, tore off our blindfolds, found

21:56

Route 800 and sped off to the sand

21:58

wastes. Tommy,

22:00

two thumbs and the rest of the museum crowd

22:03

followed. And out at the big dig

22:05

where the tomb of the ancestors lay, we

22:07

pulled up in the pickup and began to

22:09

return the mummified bodies to

22:11

their rightful place of rest. Tommy

22:14

looked like he wanted to stop us, but even

22:17

he knew it was the only option.

22:20

And while the exhibit had to close mere moments

22:22

after opening, it was an undeniable

22:25

success. As the bodies

22:27

were placed back into the tomb, apparitions

22:30

returned to the pit. And when

22:32

the last body was put away, the

22:35

tomb sunk back into the

22:37

thirsty

22:37

earth, desperate

22:40

to live.

22:41

Most of the apparitions made

22:43

it back into the tomb as well, but a

22:46

few were running late and missed their

22:48

chance. So now they're stuck here

22:50

in the living world. But honestly, it's

22:52

only like three of them, not a whole skyfall.

22:55

You know, just don't look directly at them and

22:57

you should be fine. Harrison

23:00

Kip was also reunited with his wife

23:02

Angela and their four kids,

23:04

Mitch, Dale, Susanna and

23:06

Tammy. Samantha, Harrison

23:08

cried out as the whole family embraced him.

23:11

Amy, Amanda and Terry,

23:14

they're all alive. He

23:16

sobbed at joy. The Kip

23:18

family is planning a vacation to celebrate

23:20

and relax before Harrison returns to

23:23

the dangerous adventures that come

23:25

with a life in archaeology. He

23:27

said he next wants to find the Holy

23:29

Grail. He's pretty sure it's buried

23:32

in his neighbor's yard, so it shouldn't take long.

23:34

Though he's going to have to get by their golden doodle

23:37

first. Stay tuned next

23:39

for the entire catalog of Lana Del

23:41

Rey played at 40% speed.

23:43

And as always,

23:45

good night. Night Vale, good

23:47

night.

23:58

This show is brought to you by BetterHelp.

24:00

Winter is approaching, which for me means

24:02

cooler weather, holiday parties at eggnog,

24:04

but it also means darkness at 4.30

24:07

p.m., holiday family visits,

24:09

and general seasonal blues. I don't

24:11

have sunshine in the outdoors to help me through

24:13

my down feelings. This time of year

24:16

is when talk therapy is the most important

24:18

to me. Having someone to talk through my emotions

24:21

with is an enormous help. BetterHelp

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can help you, too, find the right someone. BetterHelp

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so you don't have to see anyone on camera if you don't want

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with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com

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slash nightvale today to get 10% off

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your first month. That's betterhelp,

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H-E-L-P dot com slash

24:45

nightvale. Night

24:52

Vale

24:54

Welcome to Night Vale as a production of Night Vale

24:57

Presents. It is written by Joseph Fink

24:59

and Jeffrey Cranor and produced by Disparition.

25:02

The voice of Night Vale is Cecil Baldwin.

25:05

Original music by Disparition. All

25:07

of it can be found at disparition.bandcamp.com.

25:11

This episode's weather was Interference

25:13

by El Shante. Find out more at

25:15

the link in our show notes. Comments,

25:18

questions, email us at info

25:20

at welcometonightvale.com. Or follow

25:22

us on Twitter, if you're still there, at Night

25:24

Vale Radio. And on Instagram at Night

25:26

Vale Official. We now have a TikTok

25:29

at Night Vale Official as well, for tics

25:32

and tops. Most importantly, check

25:34

out welcometonightvale.com, where we

25:36

have a twice-monthly mailing list that

25:38

is the best way

25:39

to keep up to date directly from us

25:41

to you. You can learn about things like our

25:43

brand new live show, The Attic, that

25:45

is touring through the U.S. as we speak.

25:47

And also about a lot of great holiday

25:50

gifts for people

25:50

in your life you want to give things

25:52

to. Today's

25:53

proverb, winning isn't

25:56

everything. There's also losing.

25:58

But even more than that.

25:59

There are eggs, fuel

26:02

injectors, three-piece seats,

26:05

the state of Georgia, Bon Jovi,

26:07

Diet Pepsi, dishcoats, windows,

26:10

air, German sausages, Polish

26:13

sausages, golden retrieves with other dogs,

26:15

backpack straps, history textbooks, passwords,

26:19

curtain rods, white cheddar popcorn,

26:22

guitar amp, grow pillows.

26:36

Hi, I'm Jeffrey Craner and I wanted to tell

26:38

you about one of my other podcasts, Random

26:40

Number Generator Horror Podcast Number 9.

26:43

So the thing is, my friend Cecil Baldwin,

26:45

the voice of Night Vale loves horror

26:48

movies, and he's helping make the genre more

26:50

approachable for me, and hopefully for you too,

26:52

one film at a time in a random order.

26:55

Are you squeamish about horror movies? Look, I get

26:57

it, and no worries. Just listen in and we'll

26:59

tell you everything that happens. But do you love

27:01

horror movies? Well, that's great too. Watch along

27:04

with us each week. We've got nearly 200 episodes

27:07

covering everything from The Shining

27:09

to Leprechaun 4 in space. I'm

27:11

serious, we go in a random order. So

27:14

check out Random Horror 9 wherever you

27:16

get podcasts.