0:04

Hey, it's Jeffrey Cranor and happy belated

0:06

Valentine's Day, y'all. I hope you made

0:08

it through unscathed and I hope you

0:11

ate your weight in those powdery little

0:13

hearts that say things like hug me

0:15

and love you and Paddington is a

0:17

false prophet. I love those hearts. I

0:19

know that's controversial. They are the candy

0:21

corn of Valentine's Day. But

0:24

listen, love them or hate them, they're delicious.

0:26

I'm supposed to plug something before this episode.

0:29

Oh, yeah, our live show Night Vale is

0:31

on tour with The Attic, a show about

0:33

a mysterious attic that appears in everyone's

0:35

homes, providing each person with perfect memories

0:37

and nothing goes wrong or is weird

0:39

in the slightest. This tour

0:42

stars Cecil Baldwin, Symphony Sanders, me

0:44

and features live music by Disparition.

0:46

We have two tours left, starting

0:49

with Europe. March 2nd will

0:51

be in Antwerp, then Utrecht, Cologne on the

0:53

4th, Frankfurt on the 6th and Berlin March

0:55

7th. Then to the UK, we'll

0:57

do London March 9th, Glasgow on the 10th, Bristol

0:59

on the 11th, Leeds on

1:02

March 13th, Manchester on the 14th

1:04

and then Dublin, Ireland March 15th.

1:07

Europe, come see us. Welcome

1:09

to nightvale.com/live for tickets.

1:12

And if you're in the US or

1:14

Canada, we'll be in Toronto, St. Louis,

1:16

Louisville, Columbus, Pittsburgh, Jersey City and Northampton

1:18

in April. These will be your last

1:20

chances to see The Attic. So please

1:23

get to welcome to nightvale.com/live for tickets.

1:25

Do it now. See you soon. And

1:28

hey, thanks. Welcome

1:31

to Night Vale is brought to you by Progressive, where

1:33

customers who save by switching their home and car save

1:35

nearly $800 on average. Quote

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savings will vary. Call

1:55

me old fashioned, but there are too

1:57

many different kinds of saxophones now. Welcome

2:00

to Night Vale. Today's

2:29

the big day Night Vale. A

2:32

brand new branch of the Night

2:34

Vale Public Library is opening over

2:36

on the east side. Yes!

2:39

Finally, all of our east

2:41

side residents can access books,

2:44

periodicals, reference materials, and dangerous,

2:46

flesh-hungry librarians without having to

2:48

hike two hours through the

2:50

dust pits and brush heaps

2:53

to reach the main library

2:55

in downtown Night Vale. The

2:59

new branch will feature public Wi-Fi, water

3:01

fountains, and more than two

3:03

dozen copies of the unauthorized

3:05

autobiography of Josh Gad. And

3:08

since today is the grand opening, there

3:11

will be several events to mark the

3:13

special occasion. Beginning

3:15

right now, the entire city council is standing

3:17

on the steps of the east side branch,

3:21

alongside several local luminaries like

3:23

film legend Lee Marvin, who

3:25

turns, wow, 35 in

3:28

just a few months, and

3:30

former mayor and director of

3:32

emergency press conferences Pamela Winchell,

3:35

who is wearing nothing except

3:38

the rear section of a two-person horse

3:40

costume. Other celebrity

3:42

guests include critically acclaimed novelist

3:45

Jonathan Branson, who recently won

3:47

the Booker Prize for fiction

3:49

for his novel A Golden

3:51

Age for Parachuting, and also

3:53

Brenda. Good

3:57

to see Brenda could make it. real

4:00

who's who of Night Vale up there. Council

4:03

member Tamika Flynn, and well-known

4:05

librarian hero, has been given

4:07

the honor of cutting the ceremonial ribbon.

4:10

The crowd could not be more electric.

4:13

There she goes, the ribbon is

4:15

cut. The new branch of the

4:17

Night Vale Public Library is now

4:19

open. Of

4:21

course, for all the excitement of

4:23

this new facility, there remain several

4:26

citizens who have expressed deep concern

4:28

over another library in their town.

4:31

A representative of the

4:33

Eastside Homeowners Association, Daniel

4:35

Charles Carrialesa said, It's

4:38

like building a hornet's nest in your

4:40

dining room. It seems like

4:42

a great idea because hornets are

4:45

cute, but, Daniel continued, before you

4:47

know it, there are hornets crawling

4:49

in your hair, harassing your sister's

4:52

new boyfriend, and eating all of

4:54

your soda crackers. It's

4:56

no good. Daniel

4:58

then began tickling his own kneecaps

5:01

and cry laughing. The

5:03

City Council has refuted any concerns

5:05

about safety by reassuring the public

5:08

that they have triple checked all

5:10

security measures. The librarians

5:12

cannot harm innocent citizens who just

5:14

want to check out Maeve

5:17

Binchey's Circle of Friends for

5:19

the 12th time. It'll

5:22

be fine. The City Council

5:24

hissed. Stop worrying

5:27

your gelatinous little heads.

5:31

Well, Night Vale, there are dangers

5:33

with any new construction. Remember

5:35

when the new Home Depot went up over at

5:38

the Old Town Mall and I

5:40

burned my tongue on some acorn

5:42

squash that exact same night? You

5:45

have to take the good with the bad, folks. And

5:49

now, let's go to

5:51

Lost and Found. Earlier

5:54

this month, we reported that several

5:56

Florida Keys had been lost. Well,

5:59

a good list. to this program found

6:01

them. They washed up near his home

6:03

in Sri Lanka. The nation

6:06

of Sri Lanka has offered to return

6:08

them, but they're requiring Florida to pay

6:10

for the shipping. Florida has

6:12

set up a GoFundMe page to

6:14

support priority mail service to return

6:16

their keys. They need to raise

6:18

$28 by Wednesday. We also reported a couple weeks

6:23

ago that a new friend with

6:25

the possibility of more was found

6:28

by Latrice Beaumont. She

6:30

would like to report that the

6:32

more part of that has become

6:34

an actuality instead of a possibility.

6:37

And she will be accepting high-fives

6:39

from noon until 3 p.m. this

6:41

Saturday afternoon outside the Dutch brothers

6:44

on 18th and Devonshire

6:46

Boulevard. More lost

6:48

and found. Lost.

6:52

Codes for entry to the missile silo

6:54

in the desert near the secret Air

6:56

Force Base. If found,

6:58

please contact Alexei via ham

7:01

radio. Do not

7:03

use human language. Lost.

7:07

Chair. It's

7:09

a chair and

7:11

it is lost. Bring

7:14

me the chair. Please.

7:18

I miss chair. Chair

7:22

gone. Love

7:25

chair. Found. A

7:28

set of Franklin Mint collectible plates

7:31

featuring the members of the rock

7:33

band Kansas. These hand-painted

7:35

plates were originally printed in limited

7:37

edition in 1988

7:40

and without them no one knows what

7:42

the rock band Kansas looks like. This

7:45

has been Lost and Found.

7:51

Despite some apprehensions in the community about

7:53

public safety, most of Night Vale is

7:55

thrilled about the opening of the new

7:58

library branch on the East Coast. East

8:00

Side. The whole day

8:02

is filled with special events,

8:05

including a literary panel featuring

8:07

acclaimed writers like archaeologist Harrison

8:09

Kipp, novelist Jonathan

8:11

Franzen, and poet Melanie

8:14

Pennington. Harrison Kipp

8:16

recently finished a new book called

8:18

The Lost Civilization of New Zealand,

8:21

about a country called New Zealand

8:23

that has always been thought to

8:26

be legend. But Harrison

8:28

claims he's totally real and

8:30

located over by Japan.

8:33

Somewhere. Jonathan Franzen also

8:35

has a new edition of his

8:38

classic novel One Last Swing

8:40

for the Tuesday Boys, coming out

8:42

this spring. And

8:44

Melanie Pennington recently gave up

8:46

a career of computer programming

8:48

to write poetry. Though

8:51

all of her poetry is just old

8:53

C++ code, but riddle out. Following

8:57

the literary panel, some very special

8:59

students from Nightville Middle School will

9:02

read their original short stories, which

9:04

they wrote in Mr. Prescott's

9:06

fifth period AP English class.

9:09

They'll also be showing off the

9:11

capoeira dance fighting techniques and pistol

9:14

marksmanship they learned in Mr. Prescott's

9:16

class as well. Later

9:19

tonight is the opening gala, which

9:21

will feature a four course dinner,

9:24

live music by Mitski. Mitski

9:27

won't be performing live, but the

9:29

music will be played live from

9:31

Pamela Winchell's Google Pixel 8, and

9:34

the evening will be capped off by

9:36

a silent auction. The top

9:39

item up for bid is a chair. Someone

9:42

found. The

9:44

grand opening celebrations are underway,

9:46

but noticeably absent is council

9:49

member Tamika Flynn. She

9:51

was asked by reporters why she wasn't staying

9:54

for the festivities. Tamika replied,

9:57

I've seen the horrors of the library

9:59

and it's It's not for me. I

10:02

only use the web portal to check out books. That's

10:06

disappointing that our town hero, the

10:08

young girl who back in 2013

10:10

defeated the librarians in the summer

10:12

reading program, can no longer stomach

10:14

the fight. Is she afraid?

10:17

Tired? Too old? These

10:20

are of course questions a

10:22

responsible journalist should never pose

10:25

without doing research first. Which

10:28

is why I will say that those are

10:30

questions an irresponsible journalist would

10:32

ask. Not me. I'm

10:35

just telling you what they would say, and

10:37

you can decide if you think they're good

10:39

questions or not. And

10:42

now, corrections. We

10:45

here at the radio station regret

10:47

our statements last Tuesday afternoon at

10:49

4.43pm and 19 seconds. While

10:54

we understand that no apology can truly heal

10:57

the wounds our words may have caused to

10:59

certain members of our valued community, we would

11:01

like to say, from the bottom of our

11:03

hearts, we are sorry.

11:07

We here at the radio station

11:09

consider our actions to be unforgivable,

11:11

of course, but we also would

11:13

like to acknowledge that we are

11:15

recontextualizing this entire incident as a

11:17

learning moment. We

11:19

want to grow, to change,

11:22

to better understand the concerns of

11:24

all people in this great city

11:26

of ours. And we

11:28

know that words in this moment are not

11:30

enough. Actions are

11:33

not enough. It is but

11:35

time that will allow us back into

11:37

your hearts to permit you to trust

11:40

us once again. With

11:42

that said, we'd like to correct our

11:44

erroneous statement from last Tuesday afternoon at

11:46

4.43pm and 19 seconds. We

11:50

meant to say that Exit 11, that's 11, yes, Exit 11, of Route

11:53

800 will be closed through

11:59

March. to

12:02

avoid further events, we will not repeat what

12:05

we said before. Thank you. This

12:08

has been Corrections. Breaking

12:12

news, Night Vale. There's been an incident

12:14

at the brand new library on the

12:16

east side. No one could

12:18

have seen this coming. I'm getting

12:21

word from a source close to

12:23

the situation, an anonymous informant who

12:25

is inside the library, right now

12:27

a tipster who will remain unnamed.

12:29

Though I will note that his

12:31

novels The Corrections and Hark, All

12:33

You Gutter Saints are seminal works

12:35

in American fiction. Anyway, I'm hearing

12:38

from my contact that the librarians

12:40

broke free from their cages during

12:42

the literary panel. It

12:44

was right at the part where my

12:46

anonymous source was talking about the importance

12:48

of using verbs if you're

12:50

describing what a character is doing. When

12:53

the librarians crashed in through

12:55

the rear wall, they began

12:58

to gnash teeth, swing tails

13:00

and spew venom. Many

13:02

lives were lost. But

13:04

some of the most important lives, those

13:07

of the three writers on the panel

13:09

in particular, were saved. They

13:12

were saved by the middle school

13:14

students from Mr. Prescott's class. Those

13:17

three students, Alejandra Nunez,

13:19

age 12, Ronnie Sharma,

13:21

age 13 and Nanako

13:23

Barnes, also age 13,

13:26

used the butterfly knives that they

13:28

crafted in 5th period AP English

13:30

to fight back the librarian beasts,

13:33

allowing for others to escape

13:35

to safety down into the

13:38

poorly lit windowless basement. The

13:41

sheriff's secret police have arrived at

13:44

the library. They currently have the

13:46

building surrounded and several members of

13:48

the Special Operations Task Force are

13:50

standing near the entrance saying, I'm

13:53

not going in there, you go in there. Absolutely

13:57

not. More on

13:59

this soon. But first, an

14:01

editorial. Night

14:04

Vale. We all love

14:07

dogs. It's fun to

14:09

pet them, snuggle with

14:11

them, feed them treats, go

14:13

for walks. Talk about 90s

14:16

ska bands with them. Dogs

14:18

truly are humanity's best

14:20

friend. But dogs

14:22

require more than just adoration. They

14:25

need maintenance, too. For

14:29

instance, I recently went for a

14:31

walk in Grove Park with my family. It

14:33

was a beautiful day, the clouds

14:36

were humming, the birds were dying,

14:38

the sun was radiant. And

14:40

what do I see but a

14:42

giant mess left by

14:45

a dog right in the middle of

14:47

my path? Night

14:49

Vale, please pick up

14:51

after your dogs. They

14:54

don't have hands or

14:56

senses of responsibility to the

14:58

environment. They will never clean

15:01

up after themselves. So

15:03

it is on you to do so. Let

15:07

me describe in very specific, disgusting detail

15:09

the mess that I saw in the

15:11

middle of my walk the other day.

15:14

First, there were several empty,

15:16

natty ice cans and a

15:18

crumpled up playbill from a professional

15:21

sporting event. There was

15:23

also some feces and a

15:25

Subway sandwich wrapper. This

15:29

is unacceptable, Night Vale. These

15:31

dogs were clearly having a

15:33

splendid time getting wasted, housing

15:36

some spicy Italians and talking

15:38

about athletic competition. But at

15:40

the end of their fun,

15:43

they need you, their

15:46

owners, to clean up after

15:48

them. Hashtag,

15:51

what's up? Why don't you clean

15:53

up after your pup? This

15:56

has been an editorial. And

15:59

now we'll be back. back to the standoff at the

16:01

new library branch. Sadly,

16:04

according to my source, the

16:07

brave middle school students were

16:09

overtaken by the librarians and

16:11

dragged away. My

16:14

source once said in his

16:16

novel The Pinultimate Memories of

16:18

Harold that quote, no teenager

16:20

ever did nothing worth a

16:22

good, golly, gosh, dang. He

16:25

takes back what he said and now

16:27

believes teenagers are quite cool. Cooler

16:30

than a Kirkus starred review,

16:32

he said anonymously. These

16:35

brave teenagers fought so

16:37

hard, but it was simply

16:39

not enough. They are gone.

16:42

Gone, but not forgotten.

16:46

Alejandra Nunez, age

16:48

12. Ronnie Sharma, age

16:50

13. Nanako

16:53

Barnes, also age

16:55

13. You will be

16:57

forever in our hearts and

16:59

minds. May you rest in peace.

17:03

But if you don't, may you rise from

17:05

your graves as warrior ghosts who will

17:07

avenge the wrongs against you by these

17:09

terrible librarians. Either way, it's

17:12

gonna be great. A

17:14

dismayed public praise now for

17:16

a hero. Perhaps

17:19

an honored veteran of battles at

17:21

the library. Perhaps a

17:23

young woman who once had the

17:25

fight in her to take on

17:27

librarians in hand to claw combat.

17:30

Perhaps a book lover who

17:32

doesn't take guff from a

17:35

slobbery monster. Perhaps a

17:37

talented warrior who knows exactly

17:39

how to fight these creatures.

17:43

Is there such a hero? Do

17:45

we deserve a hero? Should

17:48

heroism be expected of every

17:50

human? And what

17:52

is the weather like right now? He.

18:32

Long.

19:34

way

21:54

My anonymous source within the library

21:56

called back. Again, I can't tell

21:58

you this person's name. name, only

22:01

that he is a Thomas Mann

22:03

prize-winning author of the novels Freedom,

22:05

Crossroads, and Jazz Minnits. He

22:08

said that everyone is safe, and

22:10

the librarians have been secured into

22:12

their cages. Night Vale,

22:15

a hero arrived. A

22:17

hero we may not deserve, but

22:19

a hero we desperately needed. No?

22:23

Wait. I'm getting a text from

22:25

my secret informant, the author of A Minuet

22:27

for the Wandering Heart and several New Yorker

22:29

short stories. He tells me that there were

22:31

not one, but three

22:34

heroes. Alejandra Nunez,

22:36

age 12. Ronnie

22:38

Sharma, age 13. And

22:41

Nánico Barnes, also age 13. They

22:44

who we thought were dead. They

22:46

who fought so bravely. They

22:49

of Mr. Prescott's fifth

22:51

period AP English class.

22:55

There wasn't a single hero, like with that one

22:57

girl in 2013, my contact said. This

23:01

trio used their very specific

23:04

skills in harmony to defeat

23:06

the librarians. Alejandra

23:08

Nunez is the agile one. She

23:11

was able to twist her way out

23:13

of the librarians grasp and quickly free

23:15

her friends. Ronnie Sharma

23:17

is the clever one. They

23:20

devised a series of Rube

23:22

Goldbergian traps that bemused and

23:24

distracted the librarians. And

23:27

Nánico Barnes, she's the strong

23:29

one. And she was able

23:32

to powerfully wield copies of Stephen

23:34

King's The Stand, the special

23:37

2002 rewrite that added the entire text

23:39

of Proust's A Remembrance of Things Past

23:41

between pages 303 and 304. She

23:45

wielded them right into the

23:47

librarians solar plexus. This

23:51

team of super teenagers defied

23:53

all odds and brought down

23:55

the villainous librarians, saving

23:58

the Eastside branch opening. and

24:00

all of Night Vale in the process. There

24:05

was an emergency press conference held by

24:07

Pamela Winchell. After several

24:09

loud snorts and sneezes, she handed

24:11

over the mic to the three

24:13

teens who came to our rescue.

24:16

Reporters hounded them with questions. How

24:18

did you do it? One asked.

24:21

And Ronnie Sharma said, It

24:23

was my two friends who did it with

24:25

their strength and agility. And

24:27

then Nanako and Alejandra added,

24:30

It was also Ronnie's cleverness.

24:32

We're a team, and we love

24:34

each other. They all called out

24:36

in unison and the press corps

24:39

cheered. One journalist

24:41

then asked, Was Tamika Flynn an

24:43

inspiration to you all? There

24:46

was a long pause before Alejandra

24:48

Nudez asked, Who?

24:51

There was a record scratch. Because

24:54

the DJ that Pamela Winchell hired

24:56

was just learning his whole turntable

24:58

thing. And then Nanako Barnes broke

25:00

the awkward silence to whisper to

25:02

Alejandra, I think

25:04

Tamika was that older lady

25:06

who cut the ribbon earlier?

25:10

And Tamika Flynn, who was at the

25:12

press conference, said, I'm only 23, y'all.

25:16

But no one heard her or even noticed

25:18

her. Oh,

25:20

yeah, Ronnie Sharma said. That

25:23

lady, I don't really know

25:25

her deal, but honestly, everyone

25:27

inspires us. Yeah,

25:29

the three teens shouted as they

25:31

joined fists in the air to

25:33

form a little pyramid. The

25:36

press corps went wild. The crowd

25:38

cheered. And a 23-year-old

25:40

woman who learned it doesn't take long

25:43

to begin to fade from public attention,

25:45

walked back home. She

25:47

made herself some pasta. Thought about

25:49

her feelings, took a few breaths,

25:53

and moved on. She

25:55

had moved on from fighting. Violence

25:57

was an answer, but

25:59

never... the right answer, she thought.

26:02

She was a lawmaker, a

26:05

leader, a true diplomat,

26:08

and she was happy with that. She

26:11

was still young after all, the world

26:13

had yet to see her truly

26:15

shine. Across

26:18

town on the east side, a

26:20

line formed to take selfies with

26:23

the newest teen celebrities in Night

26:25

Vale. Stay

26:27

tuned next for four straight

26:29

hours of uninterrupted easy listening

26:31

hits, including, and

26:33

also limited to, Life in a

26:36

Northern Town by the Dream Academy.

26:39

Good night, Night Vale. Good

26:42

night. This

27:40

show is brought to you by BetterHelp. It's

28:00

taken me a long time to understand how

28:02

to make better relationships with family, partners, friends,

28:05

coworkers, you name it. And while I'll never

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be perfect at it, I've gotten so much

28:09

better at managing my feelings with those I'm

28:11

close to. And it's not

28:13

just about finding easy relationships or better

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ones, it's about making the ones you

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have work for you. I've

28:20

discovered all of this through experience

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and therapy. Having someone to

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talk to, to listen, to help me

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today to get 10% off

28:54

your first month. That's

28:57

betterhelp. help.com/night veil. Welcome

29:03

to night veil is a production of night veil

29:05

presents. It is written by Joseph Fink, Jeffrey

29:08

Craner and Bree Williams and

29:10

produced by Disparition. The

29:12

voice of night veil is Cecil Baldwin, original

29:15

music by Disparition. All

29:17

of it can be found

29:19

at Disparition.bandcamp.com. This episode's

29:22

weather was carrying you until

29:24

my feet turn to stone by

29:26

Jonah Castelli. Find out more at

29:29

the link in our show notes. Comments,

29:31

questions, email us at info

29:33

at welcometonightveil.com or follow us on

29:36

Twitter if you're still there at

29:38

Night Vale Radio and on Instagram at

29:41

Night Vale Official. We now have a

29:43

TikTok at Night Vale Official as well

29:45

for tics and talks. Most

29:48

importantly, check out welcometonightveil.com where we have

29:50

a twice monthly mailing list that is

29:52

the best way to keep up to date

29:54

directly from us to you. You

29:56

can learn things about our new live show, The

29:59

Attic, which tours your Europe and the UK in

30:01

March and the US and Toronto in

30:03

April. Today's proverb never

30:05

looked like a gift horse in the butt either. Hi,

30:43

I'm Jeffrey Craner and I wanted to tell

30:46

you about one of my other podcasts, Random

30:48

Number Generator Horror Podcast number 9. So

30:51

the thing is, my friend Cecil Baldwin, the

30:53

voice of Night Vale, loves horror movies and

30:55

he's helping make the genre more approachable for

30:57

me and hopefully for you too, one film

30:59

at a time, in a random order. Are

31:02

you squeamish about horror movies? Look, I get

31:04

it and no worries. Just listen in and

31:06

we'll tell you everything that happens. But do

31:08

you love horror movies? Well that's great too.

31:10

Watch along with us each week. We've

31:13

got nearly 200 episodes covering everything

31:15

from The Shining to Leprechaun 4

31:17

in space. I'm serious, we go

31:19

in a random order. So check

31:21

out Random Horror 9, wherever you

31:24

get podcasts. From

31:27

PRX.