0:04

Hello, Joseph Fink here. The Night Vale

0:06

live tour is in Europe. I'm talking

0:09

Belgium, the Netherlands, Germany, the UK, and

0:11

Ireland all in the next couple of

0:13

weeks, so don't delay. If you

0:15

live in one of those places or near one of

0:17

those places, go experience our newest live show, The Attic.

0:19

I think it might be a bit before we get

0:21

back to Europe, so I would not delay on this

0:24

one. And then the live

0:26

tour is going through the US and

0:28

also Toronto. Hello, Toronto, in April. And

0:31

then there will be a break from touring for a while. So again,

0:33

if you want to see us live, now

0:35

is the time. Go to welcometonightvale.com and

0:37

click on live shows. Also,

0:40

I wrote about my favorite podcast of 2023 over on our

0:42

Patreon. It's

0:45

a public post. You don't need to be a member to read

0:47

it. Most podcasts, best of lists, are

0:49

boring. Mine is cool. Check it out to

0:51

find some shows you might not know about. And

0:53

while you're there, without our Patreon, there

0:55

is no Night Vale. It is how

0:57

we pay everyone involved and keep the

1:00

show going. So if you are able

1:02

to, please consider supporting us and getting

1:04

all sorts of Patreon exclusive bonus stuff.

1:06

That's welcometonightvale.com and click on Patreon

1:09

or just search for us on

1:11

Patreon. And hey, thanks.

1:16

This episode is brought to you by Progressive.

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states and situations. You

1:53

can't spell team without me.

1:56

You also can't spell it without T or E.

2:01

or, huh, these

2:03

New York Times puzzles are tricky. Welcome

2:06

to Night Vale. Listeners,

2:35

as you may have noticed, recently

2:37

we introduced a simple Lost and Found

2:39

section into our radio broadcast. We

2:41

are always searching for a way to

2:43

better serve our community. After

2:46

all, we are Community Radio and

2:48

we take the community part of

2:50

that very seriously. We also

2:52

take the radio part of that

2:54

very seriously since it requires a

2:57

lot of expensive microphones and mixing

2:59

boards and a big broadcast tower

3:01

that is generally a huge pain.

3:04

Especially now that I've had to act as

3:06

both host and manager of the station ever

3:08

since station management. Ever

3:11

since... Well,

3:13

now that I'm acting station

3:15

manager, it's been a

3:17

lot. But I'm getting

3:19

away from my point, which is unlike

3:22

me. I'm usually so

3:24

laser focused and on topic during

3:26

these broadcasts. It's just

3:28

the stress of having to make sure

3:30

our HR policies are up to date

3:33

and order coffee resupplies for the

3:35

break room and feed the hound that

3:37

lives in the basement its fault too

3:39

much. I'm sorry, I

3:42

digress again. The point

3:44

is that we've gotten so many

3:46

Lost and Found requests that I

3:48

will be devoting this entire show

3:50

today to them. Hopefully

3:53

we can find everything lost

3:55

and reunite everything found. That's

3:58

the goal anyway. Let's get right to

4:00

it. We'll start with

4:02

an update on the Florida Keys. Now,

4:05

you may remember that several went missing

4:07

only to turn up in Sri Lanka.

4:10

Sri Lanka was happy to ship them back

4:12

and it looked like we were heading to

4:14

a satisfying ending to this story. But

4:17

unfortunately, there has been a mishap.

4:20

The shipping company, Big Don's

4:22

Logistics and Slightly Stale Bread,

4:24

mislabeled the package and the

4:26

keys have instead been delivered

4:28

to the county of Cumbria

4:30

in the far northwest of

4:32

England. Locals there have

4:34

indicated that they will not give up

4:36

the keys. Are you

4:38

kidding? Said the mayor of

4:40

the small town of Warkington. There's

4:43

now a bunch of warm tropical isles right here.

4:45

Do you want us to give that up? Get

4:48

lost, mate. I'm

4:50

so glad I got a chance to demonstrate

4:53

my perfect northern English accent. I

4:55

think you'll agree it was flawless. In

4:58

any case, Florida is demanding their

5:00

keys back and talks between the

5:03

two parties have become tense, but

5:06

I wouldn't worry. It doesn't seem likely

5:08

that the British government would start a

5:10

war over the ownership of a few

5:12

sparsely inhabited islands. I'm sure

5:14

it will be fine. Meanwhile,

5:17

Big Don of Big Don's Logistics

5:19

and Slightly Stale Bread has apologized

5:21

for the mistake. That

5:24

was our bad for sure, Don

5:26

said, and we are happy to

5:28

make good on it with some

5:30

free bread, which I think you'll

5:32

find is mostly still edible. Well,

5:35

I hope things work out for the best. They

5:38

rarely do, but it never hurts to

5:40

hope. Let's

5:42

get to our headlines. The

5:45

Grove Park Beautification Initiative is

5:47

launching with a gala at

5:49

the community center this Saturday.

5:51

The initiative board president, Alondra Ortiz,

5:53

said that the goal of the

5:56

program is to restore Grove Park

5:58

to its natural... beauty, as

6:00

it was before all these

6:03

ugly benches and fountains and

6:05

trees and birds were added.

6:08

DIRT! cried Alondra, standing on

6:10

a corner in Night Vale's commercial district,

6:12

while holding a sign that also said,

6:15

DIRT. She concluded,

6:17

ALL WILL BE DIRT AND ASH,

6:20

before wandering into the coals to buy some

6:22

new socks. An opposition

6:24

group called the Grove Park People

6:27

for Grove Park for the People

6:29

has formed, saying that honestly they

6:31

think trees are pretty neat, and

6:33

that benches are good for sitting.

6:36

When asked about this opposition, Alondra said

6:38

that it stank of communism, and that

6:40

she would see them before the committee,

6:42

and then refuse to answer any further

6:44

questions, saying she was shopping for new

6:47

socks, and to please leave her alone.

6:50

This has been Headlines. More

6:54

lost and found. Lost.

6:57

A baby. A newborn

6:59

baby. All squalls and

7:01

needs. Last seen

7:03

transforming into a toddler, capable of

7:06

making you laugh and making you

7:08

growl in frustration within the same

7:10

chaotic minute. Also

7:12

lost? Toddler. Last

7:14

seen transforming into a little girl, who

7:17

reminded you that imagination wasn't merely a

7:19

tool, but a place where one could

7:21

dwell. Also lost? Little

7:24

girl. Last seen transforming into

7:26

a bigger girl, who furrows her

7:28

brow over homework, who is starting

7:31

to have ideas of what the

7:33

rest of her life might look

7:35

like, who sometimes wins arguments because

7:37

she is right and you are

7:39

wrong. Also lost?

7:42

Bigger girl. Last seen transforming

7:44

into a teen, capable of making

7:47

you laugh and making you growl

7:49

in frustration within the same chaotic

7:51

minute. Also lost?

7:55

Last seen transforming into an adult

7:57

woman, who no longer needs you

7:59

not real. Really, although sometimes she

8:01

wants to need you, just as

8:03

you always want her to need

8:05

you in some small way. If

8:08

you have any idea where all

8:11

the previous versions of this person

8:13

went, all the little people who

8:15

disappeared as she aged, please call

8:17

Bernard Sampson at the dollar store.

8:20

He just wants to know. He

8:22

just wants to understand. Found.

8:27

A sense of purpose. I

8:29

already have one, so if anyone needs a

8:31

spare, please stop by 544 Milkweed Lane. Purpose

8:35

is being offered as is, with

8:38

no guarantees that it is worthwhile

8:40

or noble. Lost.

8:43

A song. Sung by Darren

8:45

Buchanan in Oklahoma City in 1975

8:48

while washing the dishes. It

8:51

was a catchy little tune, but the

8:53

next day he had forgotten it, and

8:56

no one ever sang it again. Found.

8:59

Dog. If this is

9:01

your dog, please provide the first four

9:04

digits of its serial number as proof.

9:07

Lost. The sunlight as

9:09

it was on your 18th birthday.

9:12

The way it felt on your

9:14

skin which was so new because

9:16

you were so beautiful. Beautiful

9:18

in a way you were unable to

9:20

understand at the time. The

9:23

way that the sunlight fell through the

9:25

windshield as you drove around aimlessly with

9:27

your friends, listening to that song that

9:29

you listened to over and over that

9:31

year. The

9:34

way the sunlight seemed to usher

9:36

you into each day. A welcome

9:38

mat for a world that belonged

9:40

to you. There

9:42

have been warm day sets, but the

9:45

sunlight has never been that sunlight. If

9:49

found, please return to P.O. Box 617.

9:52

No questions asked. Found.

9:55

$409 in a plain paper bag. I

9:59

won't be... returning it, I just wanted to let you

10:01

know. Lost. Hat.

10:05

If found, please don't

10:08

approach. More

10:11

lost and found soon. But

10:14

first, a word from our sponsors. Today's

10:17

sponsor is Bisquick. When

10:20

all is said and done, when

10:22

everything is over, when the last of

10:25

it is at last gone, when

10:27

dust springs up from the Earth,

10:30

when the clouds gather again and

10:32

again, pouring rain onto nothing, when

10:35

the oceans are empty right down to the

10:37

dark silt at the bottom, when

10:39

the buildings have leaned and teetered

10:42

and crumbled and returned to the

10:44

Earth, when the last human

10:46

is no longer a memory because memory

10:49

is no longer a thing that happens,

10:52

when the sun begins the long,

10:54

slow swallowing of the Earth, when

10:57

the mountains are ground down

10:59

to nothing and then new

11:01

mountains form and then those

11:03

mountains are ground down to

11:06

nothing, when all is said

11:08

and done, when the last

11:10

of it is at last gone,

11:14

this will be the time of

11:16

Bisquick. Await us.

11:20

This has been a word from our sponsors. And

11:23

now for the children's puzzle section.

11:26

First, the maze. Okay,

11:28

so there is a mouse and it is trying

11:30

to get to the cheese. Should

11:33

it go left, right, right, left, left,

11:35

left, you turn right, left. Or

11:37

should it go right, right, right, left,

11:40

left, left, right, right, through? Now,

11:43

connect the dots. Please

11:46

make the sounds that go in

11:48

the blanks to form the shape

11:50

of a fun animal. El. This

11:58

may not look like much on its own.

12:00

but once you connect the dots, who knows

12:02

what it will be? And

12:05

finally, the family fun comic. Okay,

12:08

so there's a little boy and he's

12:11

walking down the sidewalk with his grandpa,

12:13

and he's holding a little toy boat,

12:15

and the boat is full, and I

12:17

mean full, just overflowing with blood. And

12:20

this comic is in black and white,

12:22

but the blood is bright red. They,

12:24

in fact, be drawn with real blood.

12:27

Unclear on that, and the grandpa has

12:29

turned his head away. He knows what

12:31

the boy is holding, but hasn't yet

12:33

admitted to himself that it is real,

12:35

let alone the terrible truth about

12:38

the child that this implies, and

12:40

the boy knows the truth, knows

12:42

what the boat means, and he

12:44

relishes it. He hungers for the

12:47

terrible, a violent future that awaits

12:49

him, for he knows that deep

12:51

down, he is a terrible and

12:53

violent person. And there's

12:55

a caption below showing what the boy

12:57

is saying, which is, I

13:00

think my boat has a boo boo.

13:03

Okay, so that's the children's

13:06

puzzle section. Enjoy

13:08

kid. And

13:11

now for more Lost and

13:13

Found. Lost. Any

13:16

sense of perspective. Any

13:19

ability to tell which moments

13:21

are emergencies, and which are

13:23

just the everyday entanglements of

13:25

human existence? Which

13:27

moments are impossible, sheer walls?

13:31

And which are small obstacles that

13:33

can be pushed through with a

13:35

little determination? Which moments

13:37

are crushing defeats? And which

13:39

are normal setbacks? If

13:41

anyone has found any sense of

13:43

perspective at all, please reach out

13:45

to Nalongena Sickdar down at the

13:47

science lab next to Big Rico's.

13:50

She could really use it right now. Never

13:55

mind. Orb. If you've lost

13:57

orb or even just want orb.

14:00

please email orb at

14:04

orb.org. Use

14:06

subject line orb.

14:10

Lost spacecraft. We

14:13

lost a spacecraft somewhere over the American desert

14:15

around 1947 and we've been looking for it

14:17

since. If

14:21

found, please don't be weird about

14:23

it. We get the vibe

14:25

you all would be really weird about

14:27

it. Sound. A

14:30

summer's day from 2018. Seems nice, waking up

14:33

late but without a hangover

14:36

because it was before your body

14:38

really had hangovers, not as you

14:41

understand them now. Seeing

14:43

which of your friends were up to hang

14:45

and then just hanging. Maybe

14:47

at a pool or a lake or out

14:49

on the lawn. The world

14:51

seemed to vibrate at the exact same

14:53

frequency as the pulsing energy of your

14:55

body. And the sunset

14:58

was a gorgeous billowing purple and

15:00

you put your arm around someone

15:02

you loved, someone you thought you

15:05

would love forever and ever. Although

15:07

this feeling would not survive the

15:09

coming autumn. But for

15:11

that moment it existed as

15:14

the sky deepened into night.

15:16

If you would like this day

15:18

back, please let me know how

15:21

because I desperately want it back

15:23

to. Lost.

15:26

Hat. I cannot emphasize

15:28

enough that you should not approach this hat

15:30

if you find it. The

15:32

hat has teeth. It's

15:34

a very special hat and you should run

15:37

if you see it. More of what

15:39

is lost and what is found after

15:42

the weather. I'm

16:30

a heavy cord. Smile,

16:33

I'm a pain. I'm

16:37

a smile. I

16:39

won't hear you, baby.

16:42

I'll stop that moment.

16:46

I will light the night

16:48

with you. I won't

16:51

hear you. I

16:54

won't hear you. I

16:57

don't love a house. I

16:59

won't look at the question

17:01

for you. It's loud and

17:04

cold, but I hear you. I'm

17:07

not gonna tell you all

17:09

my fears. I'll

17:14

speak and you'll

17:16

all see me. I

17:20

won't hear you leave.

17:24

I'll stop that moment. I

17:28

will light the night

17:30

with you. I won't

17:32

hear you. I

17:35

won't hear you. Sometimes

17:54

when I'm in the dark, I

17:56

will feel you. You

18:01

stay in as much as

18:04

you have been I

18:07

lost you somewhere low Flying

18:11

way high, cry

18:13

way low I'm

18:15

gonna hear you blow

18:18

I'm gonna hear you blow

18:22

I'm gonna hear you blow I've

18:57

received this lost notice, which frankly is

19:00

a little long. Let's try to be

19:02

more concise, people. But, as a service

19:04

to the community, I do feel an

19:07

obligation to read this out as

19:09

written. Lost.

19:12

Sarah. Last seen,

19:14

laughing up a storm on a night

19:17

that was like any other night. Except

19:19

that it was the last night that

19:21

was like that. Last

19:24

is an adjective only visible in

19:26

hindsight. Sarah was

19:28

at a bar with a friend. The friend

19:30

had just said something funny, I can't say

19:33

what it was. Not because I don't know

19:35

what it was, but because it was only

19:37

funny within the conquest on several events in

19:39

their lives that I do not have time

19:41

to summarize here. The

19:44

point is that it was funny, and

19:46

Sarah was laughing, and her

19:48

hand was on the table, and her

19:50

friend's hand was on the table, and

19:52

they weren't holding hands, but still,

19:55

there was a deep intimacy there.

19:57

Not romantic, not exactly, but too. people

20:00

whose lives are folded into

20:03

each other in ways that

20:05

feel so wonderfully inextricable. Except

20:08

that her friends got offered a job

20:11

that next morning, in a

20:13

city that was a several hour flight

20:15

away, and they celebrated and acted like

20:17

it was no big deal. After all,

20:19

phones and video chats exist, we

20:22

can see each other just as much as

20:24

ever if we would. Except

20:26

that they didn't see each other just as much.

20:29

They tried at first, but

20:31

things came up, and they'd have to

20:33

reschedule, which was definitely no big deal. And

20:36

then no big deal again when they had to

20:38

reschedule once more, and then it

20:40

wasn't a big deal when they weren't able to

20:42

talk for a few weeks. After all, work was

20:44

busy for them both, and they would be best

20:46

friends for the rest of their lives. So what

20:48

was a few weeks here and there in the

20:51

long stretch of it? And

20:53

then she and her friend did not talk

20:55

for two years. Neither

20:57

of them could believe it was happening,

20:59

but there were always so many other

21:01

things to think about, so they never

21:04

had time to think about their dying

21:06

friendship. And when they finally

21:08

talked again, it was

21:10

all different. Because they were

21:12

all different. Their lives

21:15

were no longer intertwined. They

21:18

were no longer wonderfully

21:20

inextricable. Without her

21:23

friend, Sarah became a different person.

21:26

She was always herself, but who

21:28

that self was felt slippery,

21:31

unstable. So

21:34

I'm looking for Sarah. Last

21:37

seen in the mirror seconds ago, but

21:40

that's not the Sarah I'm looking for.

21:43

I'm looking for the Sarah that sat

21:45

in the bar, laughing up a storm

21:47

at a joke that honestly, even I

21:50

don't remember the context of anymore. Only

21:52

that it was so funny and that

21:54

I laughed so hard. If

21:57

you find that Sarah, please bring

21:59

her back. to me. I'd

22:01

just like to beat her again, even

22:03

for a little while. Also

22:06

I found a hat. It's honestly kind

22:08

of weird. A lot of teeth. If it's

22:10

yours, please get it out of my house.

22:13

It seems hungry. Well,

22:16

this has been Lost and Found.

22:19

I hope everything Lost gets found,

22:21

and everything Found gets... uh,

22:24

lost? Sorry, the tagline got

22:26

away from me a little. Stay

22:29

tuned next for the Barks on We

22:31

Terrible Jazz Hour, featuring only the worst

22:33

jazz for an entire hour that will

22:35

feel much longer than that. Brought

22:38

to you by Brita Filters. Good

22:41

night. Night fail. Good night.

22:46

This show is brought to you by BetterHelp. What's

22:48

the first thing you'd do if you had an

22:50

extra hour in your day? A lot of us

22:52

spend our lives wishing we had more time, but

22:54

time for what? The best way

22:56

to squeeze that special thing into your schedule

22:58

is to know what's important to you and

23:01

make it a priority. Therapy has helped

23:03

me tremendously to discover what matters most. For

23:05

me, it's reading books and spending time

23:07

with my friends, helping me to prioritize those

23:09

things so that I can

23:11

do more of them. BetterHelp can help you

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23:24

Learn to make time for what makes

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you happy with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com/Night Vale

23:29

today to get 10% off

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your first month. That's

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BetterHelp. help.com/Night Vale. Welcome

23:41

to Night Vale is a production of Night Vale

23:43

Presents. It is written by

23:45

Joseph Fink, Jeffrey Craner, and Bree

23:47

Williams and produced by Disparition. The

23:50

voice of Night Vale is Cecil

23:52

Baldwin, original music by Disparition. All

23:55

of it can be found at

23:57

Disparition.bandcamp.com. weather

24:00

was Old Radio by

24:02

Robbie Hecht. Find out

24:04

more at robbiehecht.com. Comments,

24:07

questions, email us at info at

24:09

welcometonightvale.com or follow us on Instagram

24:11

and Tumblr at Night Vale Official.

24:14

We now have a TikTok at

24:16

Night Vale Official as well if

24:18

you're a teen. Most importantly check

24:21

out welcometonightvale.com where we have a

24:23

twice monthly mailing list that is

24:25

the best way to keep up-to-date

24:27

directly from us to you. It's

24:29

time that we made the internet

24:31

about people talking directly to people

24:33

again. You can learn about things

24:35

like our live show The Attic

24:37

which is touring in Europe and

24:39

the UK right now and returns

24:41

to North America for tour dates

24:43

in April. Today's proverb the

24:45

journey of a thousand miles begins

24:47

with a single step but it

24:49

ends with sort of a really

24:52

tired limping motion. It's a long way to walk.

25:21

Hi I'm Jeffrey Craner and I wanted to

25:23

tell you about one of my other podcasts

25:26

Random Number Generator Horror Podcast number nine. So

25:28

the thing is my friend Cecil Baldwin the

25:30

voice of Night Vale loves horror movies and

25:32

he's helping make the genre more approachable for

25:35

me and hopefully for you too one film

25:37

at a time in a random order. Are

25:39

you squeamish about horror movies? Look I get

25:41

it and no worries just listen in and

25:44

we'll tell you everything that happens. But do

25:46

you love horror movies? Well that's great too.

25:48

Watch along with us each week. We've got

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nearly 200 episodes covering everything

25:52

from The Shining to Leprechaun 4

25:55

in space. I'm serious we go

25:57

in a random order so check

25:59

out... Random Horror IX, wherever you

26:01

get podcasts.