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Hey.

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It's Joseph think co creator of

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Night Vale here to give you

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by state law. It

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used to take two to tango. But.

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These days it takes fifteen on

1:32

account of the economy. Welcome.

1:35

To night Vale. i

1:56

hate to start out with bad news so i

1:58

bought I have really bad

2:00

news. But I

2:02

think we should keep things positive around

2:04

here. Instead, let's focus on

2:07

some good news. John

2:10

Peters, you know, the farmer, he

2:13

says that he has grown

2:15

the biggest ear of imaginary

2:17

corn in history. He

2:19

said that the previous record was

2:21

one foot, three inches imagined by

2:23

a farmer down in Argentina. But

2:26

that just this week, he imagined

2:28

an ear of corn that was

2:30

one foot, six inches. Wow,

2:33

impressive work, John. Meanwhile,

2:36

the night Vale Boy Scouts have

2:38

announced a jacket drive for the

2:40

needy. If someone is in

2:42

need, they better cough up a jacket to the

2:44

Boy Scouts or else the

2:47

Boy Scouts then pounded their fists into

2:49

their hands for emphasis. Cute.

2:53

And finally, there will be

2:55

a complete solar eclipse tomorrow

2:58

from the point of view of one of

3:00

Saturn's moon. So not super local

3:03

to us, but still great news.

3:07

Ah, I guess I should get to

3:09

the bad news now. The

3:12

bad news is that something has

3:14

emerged from the portal to the

3:16

desert otherworld. Kevin from

3:18

Desert Bluffs was last seen entering

3:21

that portal after a bloody fight

3:23

with his younger self, a

3:25

boy who currently lives under the care of

3:27

Tamika Flynn. On that day,

3:29

when they faced each other, the older Kevin

3:31

swore he would return, which

3:33

has not yet happened. But he also

3:36

said something about not

3:38

returning alone. And

3:40

it would appear that he has made good on that. The

3:43

entity that has stepped through the portal is,

3:47

I guess, woman might be the word.

3:50

She is at least seven

3:52

feet tall, shrouded in red

3:54

and gold. Her eyes

3:56

are long. I Know

3:58

that doesn't make sense, but. They're just

4:00

law that's what they are.

4:03

Her cheeks or shorts and

4:05

some good. She is a

4:07

broad smile but I think

4:09

that might be armed him

4:11

to her face as he

4:13

is slightly familiar. but I'd

4:15

say for sure that I'll

4:18

that I. Fellow

4:21

citizens as night vale. This

4:23

his mother Lauren. Com

4:25

endearing your airwaves for important

4:27

reasons. It's

4:30

it's. so great to be back in

4:32

the rarefied air of night they else.

4:35

It makes me see positively. Giddy.

4:37

Enraged. but I am able to

4:39

set aside my emotions. I.

4:41

Am a professional and I'm here to do

4:43

a job. And that job

4:45

is now. So. Please.

4:47

Remain Calm. I. Mean you

4:50

no harm. In the.

4:52

Do. You harm incidentally, and the course of

4:54

things. But that's not my fault, really. That's

4:57

the system's fault. And. I can't

4:59

be held responsible for anything that happened before

5:01

I got here. Or anything

5:03

that will happen after the. Or

5:06

anything that happens while I'm here. Basically, don't

5:08

complain to me. Take it up with your

5:11

impotent ah, certainly I can't be bothered with

5:13

all your petty complaints. Oh yeah,

5:15

you're here soon and then all will go back to

5:17

being and. Make

5:20

their lists on T V. Everyone

5:23

has been getting into this do

5:25

craze and it's cold watching T

5:28

V. From. Porn Stars to

5:30

Dancing with the Stars to Dancing

5:32

with the Pawn Stars. If. You

5:34

have an interest, there is probably a tv

5:36

show out there for you. Want.

5:39

To get in on the trend, it's easy. All.

5:41

You have to do his head on

5:43

down to Big Lucille Appliance covered. And.

5:46

Ask Big Lucy herself about a

5:48

television. Seaworld back in you

5:50

down a dark and narrow whole. don't

5:53

worry us, the Db whole and it's

5:55

where's keeps or t these. and

5:57

a good amount of centipedes but

5:59

sadly As the centipedes

6:01

jokingly nibble on your earlobes,

6:03

you can choose the TV

6:05

that best fits your lifestyle,

6:08

and Big Lucy will help you carry it home.

6:11

She isn't called Big Lucy for nothing. She's

6:14

called that because she's big. Once

6:16

you have your TV home, simply

6:18

plug it in and relax. Oh,

6:22

and turn it on. It won't do anything

6:24

unless you turn it on. Believe

6:26

me, I spent years staring at my television

6:29

waiting for it to do anything

6:31

before I learned about the power button. And

6:34

then watch whatever you want. The

6:37

best of Pawn Stars. Cajun

6:39

Pawn Stars. Pawn Stars UK.

6:42

The possibilities are limitless. Television.

6:46

It's what's on TV. What

6:49

was I talking about? I

6:51

feel like there's something

6:54

important I was saying, but then it

6:56

got away from me. Oh well, couldn't

6:59

have been that important, I guess. And

7:03

now a word from our sponsors. Today's

7:05

sponsor is Eggs. What

7:08

are those freaky little

7:10

things? Spheroids

7:13

of goop? And

7:15

you use them to make both bread

7:17

and omelets? Mmm, sounds fake.

7:20

Now I bet you don't know this,

7:22

but I learned today that you can

7:24

open eggs. Yeah,

7:27

I was astonished too. But if

7:29

you bang the little suckers against the

7:32

counter or the bumper of a Honda

7:34

Fit or whatever you have handy, they

7:36

pop right open. And

7:38

it is so squishy in there.

7:41

Just clear, squishy,

7:43

and yellow squishy. And

7:49

it all glushes around in an

7:51

upsetting way. So,

7:55

eggs, I guess. Fine.

7:59

Eggs. If you have to,

8:02

if you're a pervert, there's always eggs.

8:06

Good luck out there. This

8:08

message has been brought to you by... Eggs.

8:13

Wait, what am I doing? Here

8:16

I am doing some sort of weirdly written

8:18

ad about eggs while our town is under

8:20

attack. I don't know what's

8:22

come over me. The entity,

8:25

I guess woman might be the word, is

8:28

walking down the center of Main Street. Her

8:31

spindly arms stretched out on

8:33

either side. She is

8:35

at least 10 feet tall, shrouded in

8:37

black and green. Her ears

8:39

are multitude and not where you'd expect them

8:41

to be. Under

8:43

the gory carved smile, there is

8:46

a frown tattooed on her face. She

8:48

is slightly familiar, but I cannot say for

8:50

sure. Her arms

8:52

are long enough that as she reaches

8:55

them out, they brush the foreheads of

8:57

pedestrians on both sides of the street.

9:01

Whenever someone is touched, their

9:03

eyes roll back to the

9:05

whites, their mouths open wide,

9:07

and they start to sing.

9:11

Witnesses have confirmed that the song is

9:13

Wrecking Ball by Miley Cyrus, with the

9:15

one change that the words Wrecking Ball

9:17

have been replaced by Mother

9:20

Lauren. Every

9:22

building she touches turns black and white, like

9:25

one of those movies that only snobs and

9:27

old people watch. Every

9:29

tree that she touches begins to cry,

9:32

which is not a thing I knew that trees could do.

9:36

Listeners, Night Vale is under attack.

9:39

I don't know how to defend ourselves.

9:42

The last time that Desert Bluffs and

9:44

their terrible smiling god came for us,

9:46

they did so with overt violence. But

9:49

this time, they come to

9:51

us with some sort of terrible power

9:53

that changes the essence of our being.

9:56

How does one fight when one cannot

9:58

be confident that your thoughts are your

10:00

own. Perhaps we

10:03

should check with mother Lauren. Surely she

10:05

knows what to do here. No,

10:08

no. Clearly I've been

10:10

influenced. I am so sorry listeners. I cannot

10:12

be trusted. I was part

10:14

of a plan too. Hello

10:16

Night Vale, mother Lauren again. Sorry

10:19

for speaking directly, but I don't

10:21

feel that Cecil was communicating quite

10:23

clearly enough. So here I

10:25

am, your new master, ready to tell you

10:27

what is what with the what. Please

10:30

everyone, gather in the blood pit

10:32

of the smiling God formerly known as

10:34

Grove Park, where you can be properly

10:36

tenanted. This may

10:39

take a while and we apologize for the wait.

10:41

Please simply kneel in the dead grass,

10:44

knit your fingers above your head. You may

10:46

hear the sounds of prose, but those are

10:48

only blood centers. Come to see what all

10:50

the ruckus is about. Please do not look

10:52

up. Crows do not react well to eye

10:54

contact. Thank you and have a day. Huh.

11:00

Okay. I'm

11:02

not sure what's going on, but

11:04

I seem to be in front of the microphone. So

11:09

let's tackle that age old question.

11:11

Is a hot dog a pizza?

11:15

Now many of us don't think

11:17

of a hot dog as a pizza because

11:19

we're so used to thinking of it as

11:21

its own category, but strip the

11:23

cultural baggage of a hot dog away.

11:26

Take away all the

11:28

usual standard toppings like

11:30

relish, mustard, ketchup, non-fat

11:33

Greek yogurt, and

11:35

what's left? A sausage on

11:37

a bun. Does that description

11:39

remind you of anything? Yeah, that's right.

11:42

That's also the basic definition of

11:44

a pizza. So

11:46

the next time some so-and-so tries

11:48

to corner you into a semantic

11:50

debate as to whether a hot

11:52

dog is a pizza, You

11:55

look them right in the eye and

11:57

say that foolish game is settled. Now

12:00

stop being a coward and

12:02

let us discuss real matters

12:04

like whether I cauliflower is

12:07

a taco. And now

12:09

for our community calendar! On.

12:11

Monday there will be tryouts for

12:14

the night. Vale Screaming League. If

12:17

you think you have what it takes

12:19

to wail team yeah, will and otherwise

12:21

holler it up! Then. Come on

12:23

down to the rec center where Mother Lauren

12:25

awaits you. On. Tuesday

12:28

the Moonlight all night diner

12:30

has a burger. silence. Is

12:33

you can eat their giant Mucho Gusto

12:35

burger or Rama in any amount of

12:37

time at all. That they

12:39

would give you the keys to

12:41

the restaurant. Seriously. Take

12:44

all the time you want. They'll

12:46

keep it in the fridge between

12:48

eating sessions and they believe you

12:50

can do it. They

12:52

just really want to be done with the place and the seems

12:54

like the fastest way to do it. For.

12:57

Fairness. The challenge will be

12:59

judged by beloved local celebrity

13:01

mother Lauren. Wednesday.

13:04

Is free play day at

13:06

the Desert Flower Arcade one

13:08

complex. The. Law Down and

13:10

joined the celebration without crews

13:12

and Usa tournament or a

13:14

friendly air hockey match or

13:17

indulge in a little nostalgia

13:19

with mother Lauren. This.

13:21

Thursday his mother Lauren,

13:25

On Friday. Mother.

13:28

Lore. And. Saturday.

13:31

And Sunday is. Love.

13:37

Her. Law

13:40

or. Oh

13:47

No. It. Happened again, didn't. Have.

13:50

I was sitting in front of my microphone just. Doing.

13:53

My show and something else

13:55

took my voice. In.

13:58

the past i have been forced out of my radio

14:00

booth by Strexcorp. I

14:02

have been mind controlled by the glow cloud, RIP,

14:05

but never have I had my

14:07

voice for this community stripped like

14:10

this and turned to evil ends.

14:12

I don't know what

14:14

to do about this, listeners. My instinct is

14:16

to protect you, but I don't

14:18

know how to do that when every word

14:20

I say is suspect. Your

14:23

resolutely reliable narrator has

14:25

become suddenly unreliable.

14:29

Whatever you do, do not go

14:31

to Grove Park. It sounds like

14:33

some really bad stuff is happening there and we

14:35

should just avoid that. Okay,

14:38

yes, I see many of

14:40

you are already running and screaming

14:43

away from the area. That's good.

14:46

Good thinking, everyone.

14:48

The entity, I guess woman might be the

14:50

word, is pursuing those who are fleeing. She

14:53

is at least 15 feet tall,

14:56

shrouded in purple and white. Her

14:58

hair swirls around like a collapsing

15:00

galaxy. She has a broad smile,

15:03

but a furious heart. She

15:05

is slightly familiar, but I

15:08

cannot say for sure. As

15:11

she chases after the innocent civilians

15:13

of Night Vale, she is neither

15:15

running nor walking, but gliding.

15:18

Her impossibly tall

15:20

form is moving down the street

15:22

at the speed of a car

15:24

going a moderate speed, maybe 40

15:27

miles per hour, which is really

15:29

fast for a person. Her

15:31

mouth is moving and

15:34

as her mouth moves, I feel

15:36

my own mouth moving and oh

15:39

no. I

15:42

will resist. I

15:44

will resist. I will...

15:48

Mother. I

15:51

will... Mother. Lauren.

15:55

Mother. Lauren. Now

15:58

you've done it. Now you've

16:00

made me enraged. When

16:03

I get this way, there is only one

16:05

thing that satiates, and that is the blood

16:07

of my enemies. So say your prayers.

16:10

Cast be-seaching-hands towards the empty sky, because

16:12

the hands of Mother Lauren will soon

16:15

be swishing about in your entrails. But

16:17

don't worry, you'll be awake for the

16:19

whole thing. Because I do not eat,

16:22

and I do not drink, and I

16:24

do not sleep. I subsist on suffering.

16:26

I delight in suffering. I am the

16:29

All, and the End, and the Being.

16:31

I am the Mother of Cruelty. But

16:34

first, let's take a look

16:36

at the weather. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA And

17:09

let your heart and heart in too.

17:13

Can we forget when we can't forget?

17:15

Try not to fall off we never

17:17

met. How can we live if we

17:19

are both dead and past the day?

17:23

Carry us off, may you carry mine

17:25

to free ourselves. Show me your life,

17:28

and if you want more, don't break

17:30

all the lies that lead you right

17:32

to stay. Yeah! And

17:38

since we do not forget,

17:40

there is not one), where

17:44

Life and Weight is STmer, and

17:51

he says, Just let me know. And

17:54

let us be astray! Here

18:00

is a land I've met for more

18:04

Can we forget when we get broken? Try

18:06

not to fall, but we never met

18:08

How can we live if we are

18:10

both dead and past the days? Carry

18:14

a cross and you carry mine Throw

18:17

in a rope and you draw me

18:19

a line If you are not afraid

18:21

for the light, that means quite a

18:23

day All of our doubt,

18:26

all the dark

18:28

clouds Ooh,

18:31

the fire that's through Ooh,

18:34

the fire that's through There's

18:37

no time in the forest Ooh,

18:41

the fire that's through Ooh,

18:44

the fire that's through

18:47

And now that the enemy Never

18:50

you but the battle here inside of me Never

18:52

meant to do you harm I

18:56

don't ever get back Never

18:59

even know who I'm trying to be I

19:02

had to get on my side Ooh,

19:05

the fire that's through Ooh,

19:08

the fire that's through Ooh,

19:10

the fire that's through There's

19:16

no time in the forest Ooh,

19:19

the fire that's through And

19:22

now that we're gone, we never met

19:24

How can we live if we

19:26

are both dead Carry

19:29

a cross and you carry mine Throw in a

19:31

rope and you draw me a line That

19:35

means quite a day

19:48

Ooh, the fire that's

19:50

through Ooh,

19:52

the fire that's through And

19:54

now that we're gone, we never

19:56

met Ooh, the fire that's through

20:14

Once there was nothing so

20:17

complete that no one thought

20:19

anything of it. Because

20:21

there was no one, and no

20:23

thoughts, and nowhere to

20:26

have thoughts within. It

20:28

was like our lives before we were born, an

20:30

absence that only grows deep

20:32

and troubling if

20:38

you happen to think about it for any length

20:40

of time. Then

20:43

there was light, and

20:45

there was darkness, and

20:48

free jazz, and

20:50

oranges. A lot of

20:52

things started to happen. It was all too

20:54

much. Some people thought

20:56

that maybe anything happening at all was a

20:58

mistake, and they wanted to go back to

21:01

the nothing. Of course, they

21:03

weren't around for the nothing, so they had

21:05

no way of knowing if it was good

21:07

or not. But

21:10

before something, and

21:13

before nothing, there

21:15

was Mother Lauren. Mother

21:18

Lauren watched as it all

21:20

happened. All of it. The

21:23

great raveling and unraveling. The

21:25

happening and the stillness.

21:28

She was there for it all.

21:33

Oh sure, she had once

21:35

been Lauren Ballard. Had lived

21:37

a human life. Born in

21:39

the usual human way some forty years

21:42

ago. Once

21:44

she was transformed into

21:46

Mother Lauren. Then

21:48

Mother Lauren became eternal.

21:53

Mother Lauren eats centuries like

21:56

apples in quick, voracious bites.

22:00

Lauren once held her breath for a

22:02

thousand years just to see what it

22:04

would be like to be a stone.

22:08

Mother Lauren has been to the sun and

22:10

found it unimpressive. Mother

22:14

Lauren loves us and

22:16

wants what's best for us.

22:19

She cares for us deeply

22:24

and will be with us always.

22:29

Stay tuned next for Mother

22:32

Lauren followed by

22:36

Mother Lauren and

22:38

two ad-free hours of

22:42

Mother Lauren. Good

22:45

night night, Val. Good

22:53

night! This show was brought to you by

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BetterHelp. It's remarkable the number of things we

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To learn more visit odo.com/night

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veil that's odo.com/night veil. Odoo

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modern management made simple. Welcome

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to Night Vale as a production of

24:23

Night Vale presents. It is written by

24:26

Joseph Fink, Jeffrey Craner, and Bree Williams

24:28

and produced by Disparition. The

24:30

voice of mother Lauren is Lauren Sharp.

24:33

The voice of Night Vale is

24:35

Cecil Baldwin. Original music by Disparition.

24:38

All of it can be found

24:40

at Disparition.bandcamp.com This

24:42

episodes weather was The Fall

24:45

Out by The Sublets. Find

24:47

out more at subletsmusic.com. Comments,

24:50

questions, email us at info at

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24:55

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Vale official. We now have a tiptack

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importantly check out welcome to night veil.com where

25:06

we have a twice monthly mailing list that

25:08

is the best way to keep up to

25:11

date directly from us to you. Let's keep

25:13

in touch as the internet dies around us.

25:16

Today's proverb Ugh, can

25:18

you believe today's wertel? I whisper

25:21

to the Saguaro cactus. The

25:23

nearest town is 300 miles to the

25:25

east and I only have a half day

25:28

of water. I must make it. I

25:31

must. Hey

25:48

y'all it's Jeffrey Craner. So I do another

25:50

fiction podcast called Within the Wires which are

25:53

stories told through the guise of

25:55

found audio. Each season is a

25:57

separate tale. You want a prison

25:59

escape? told through relaxation tapes? That's

26:01

season one. Want a love story

26:03

that unfurls through voice messages only?

26:05

Season five. How about the revelations

26:07

of an unexplained death told through

26:09

a series of Museum Audio Guides?

26:11

Season two. There are seven seasons

26:13

within the wires for you to

26:15

binge right now, each only 10

26:17

episodes long. So go get within

26:19

the wires wherever you get your

26:21

podcasts.