0:04

Hey, Jeffrey Cranor here. Happy June, both

0:07

the month and you, the person named June

0:09

who is listening to this and

0:11

who just so happens to be

0:13

happy. A couple of quick things.

0:15

We have videos of our 2020

0:17

and 2021 live streams available on

0:19

our Patreon store, only five bucks

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each. There's The Sandstorm, The Librarian,

0:23

Ghost Stories, AllSmiles, even many more

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available, featuring Cecil Baldwin, of course,

0:27

and many other guests like Kevin R.

0:30

Free, Symphony Sanders, Dylan Maron, Mara

0:32

Wilson, Desiree Birch, Jessica Nicole, Molly

0:34

Quinn, Hal Lublin, Meg Bashwiner, and

0:36

of course, live music by the

0:38

very handsome and mysterious Disparition.

0:41

Those live streams are all at

0:43

patreon.com/Welcome to Night Vale. Click on

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shop. Or, if you like your

0:47

purchases to be things you can touch and

0:50

wear and carry about, we have some great

0:52

new items in our merch store. Brand new

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leggings designed by Dev O'Reilly, a new Freaky

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Chicken shirt from Jessica Hayworth, retro art shirts

0:59

by Dave Watt, not to mention water bottles

1:01

and beach towels and tote bags for your

1:03

summer trip to Ash Beach or whatever fun

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destination you have lined up. We have tons

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of great merch and it's ever-changing, so if

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you haven't looked at it in a while,

1:12

it's probably different now, so go look at

1:14

it again. Look at

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it. Or, you

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know, whatever. Just go to welcometonightvale.com and

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click on store. And

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hey, thanks. This

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episode is brought to you by Progressive Insurance.

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how you buy. Wow,

2:38

it's a beautiful day out there, isn't it

2:40

listeners? I'm not talking about the

2:42

weather, obviously it's not time to talk

2:44

about the weather yet. I'm talking

2:47

about the town cleansing project that's been

2:49

underway for the last week or so.

2:52

A citywide cleanup event sponsored

2:54

by our very own Mother

2:57

Lauren. Our strange

2:59

benefactress who slid through the

3:01

portal from the desert otherworld

3:03

one day and started changing

3:05

hearts and minds. Literally

3:08

rearranging the cellular content of our most

3:10

vital organs using beams of amber tinted

3:12

light shooting from the tips of her

3:14

fingers. As well

3:16

as toppling our buildings and raising entire

3:19

city blocks that were no longer serving us.

3:22

We were not trying to sugarcoat anything, I know there's

3:25

been some concern, some protesting, some

3:36

uprising, and that's exactly why

3:39

Mother Lauren has erected smiling

3:41

god worship centers in the

3:43

charred remnants of the former

3:46

Ralphs, Arby's and Michael's craft

3:48

store. With so

3:50

much upheaval and unrest going on, what

3:53

if you could just feel okay

3:55

about it? Wouldn't it be

3:58

better to stare at a golden idol? Relax,

4:01

let your eyes roll slowly

4:03

backwards until only the whites

4:06

are showing, and let your

4:08

mouth fall open into a

4:10

big, warm, welcoming smile. On

4:14

a personal note, I'm especially pleased

4:17

to see the changes in The Boy

4:19

from Grove Park, also known

4:21

as the young version of Kevin from

4:23

Desert Bluffs. He used

4:25

to be so lost, both literally

4:28

and metaphorically. Now

4:30

he's really growing up before

4:32

our eyes, both literally and

4:35

metaphorically. He's become much

4:37

more mature as well as several feet

4:39

taller, and I'm happy to

4:41

report that he is no longer holding

4:43

any knives. Though his

4:45

teeth are now extremely long and

4:47

sharp, so he's basically holding

4:49

28 knives, they're

4:52

just all inside his mouth. Mother

4:55

Lauren has been a true mentor to

4:57

The Boy and has really taken him

4:59

under her wing, under

5:01

her enormous oil-slick colored

5:04

wing. The wing

5:06

that beats the worship drums at

5:08

sunset and sunrise. The

5:10

wing that blows gales of sand

5:12

through the streets, purging the debris

5:15

from collapsed homes and buildings. The

5:18

howling gusts that carry an

5:20

undercurrent of singing voices, of

5:22

weeping, of blissful

5:24

delirium. The

5:27

boy nestles there, in the

5:29

pocket of that wing, growing

5:31

and smiling and nodding along

5:33

in agreement to something that

5:35

only he can hear. We

5:38

are all very proud of him. In

5:41

other news, all coffee shops

5:43

in the Barista District are now

5:45

serving pop-cups. Those foamy

5:48

delights made of whipped beef tallow

5:50

are once again available to your

5:52

furry friends. Feel their

5:54

ravenous delight when you place the cup before

5:56

them. plunging

6:00

with more enthusiasm than you've ever

6:02

felt for anything in your entire

6:04

life. Question why

6:07

that is. Did you make

6:09

bad choices or is it

6:11

more of a general human problem,

6:14

the curse of having a brain

6:16

capable of comprehending the endless horrors

6:18

of existence that really dulls the

6:20

enjoyment of life's simple pleasures. Your

6:24

dog doesn't have that problem. Your

6:26

dog lives in the moment,

6:28

feels every sensation to the

6:31

fullest, and barely remembers yesterday.

6:34

With the pup cup, you can

6:36

live vicariously through their uncomplicated joy.

6:39

You can at least be happy for them, and

6:42

envious? Definitely. In

6:45

fact, you will get such a

6:47

rush of jealousy from seeing their

6:49

euphorically chomping, foam-flecked muzzles that you

6:51

might feel the desire to try

6:53

the pup cup for yourself. Despite

6:56

the cautionary fliers posted all over

6:58

the Verista district warning against this

7:01

very thing, the pup

7:03

cup is not intended for

7:05

human consumption. If

7:07

this line is crossed, the natural order

7:09

will be disturbed. There

7:12

will be consequences. But

7:16

luckily, self-care isn't just for

7:18

dogs. The newest

7:21

addition to downtown is

7:23

the hazy Mirage tanning

7:25

salon, night bales-only maximum

7:27

security spa or

7:29

maximum relaxation. A

7:32

full-service dirt football field

7:34

surrounded by glaring white

7:36

concrete walls and loops

7:38

of concertina wire ensures

7:40

a private experience of

7:43

uninterrupted U-time. Give

7:46

up your phones, clothing, and all

7:48

other personal items at the door,

7:50

and enter the locked shadeless

7:52

compound for your day of

7:54

serenity. Emerge hours,

7:57

or possibly years later, with

7:59

a D-line. deep, fully baked color,

8:01

and a completely new mindset.

8:05

Even your closest friends and family

8:07

will barely recognize you after just

8:09

one session at the hazy mirage.

8:12

Your physical appearance and personality will

8:14

have undergone such radical changes you

8:17

may not even recognize yourself anymore.

8:20

That's because you've become a small

8:22

living piece of the sun here

8:24

on Earth. You

8:27

have submitted to its power, and

8:29

in turn, it has bestowed

8:31

upon you great and terrible

8:33

gifts. Hazy Mirage

8:36

Tanning Salon. Let

8:38

the sun shine in. And

8:41

yes, as you may have suspected, that

8:43

was an advertisement and not actual news,

8:45

but I paid extra to be featured

8:47

in the headlines, so... kind

8:50

of the same thing. In

8:53

real news, I'm getting word

8:55

from my reliable and extremely handsome

8:57

source in the science district, my

9:00

husband Carlos, that the portal

9:02

inside his lab is now making

9:04

a soft hissing noise. He's

9:07

unclear whether it's more of a

9:09

power line buzz, or a carbonated

9:11

soft drink fizz, or

9:13

something closer to television static, but

9:16

he is doing rigorous testing to

9:18

determine the most accurate simile for

9:21

the sound. As

9:23

bystanders gather around to watch Carlos

9:25

pour different colored liquids into different

9:28

beakers, I'm getting reports that

9:30

a distant figure is approaching from the

9:32

other side of the portal. The

9:35

figure is at first a smudge, then

9:38

a shadow, then

9:40

a silhouette. As it

9:42

gets closer, the noise becomes louder. Carlos

9:45

has now concluded that the noise

9:48

most closely resembles air escaping from

9:50

a punctured tire or possibly a

9:52

steam radiator, maybe a large

9:55

snake. As the sound

9:57

reaches the intensity of a million wasps,

10:00

The dark finger becomes clear.

10:03

It is Kevin. He is not

10:05

smiling. He does not

10:07

sit down calmly on his side

10:09

of the portal, as he did

10:11

last time. This

10:13

just won't do,

10:16

is all he says. With

10:19

the sound of a screaming tea

10:21

kettle, he steps through the portal

10:23

into Carlos's lab. Every

10:26

test tube, graduated cylinder, Erlenmeyer

10:28

flask shatters in an instant.

10:31

The computer monitors split apart

10:34

like liquid crystal fault lines.

10:36

The windows explode both outward

10:38

and inward. Oh,

10:41

geez. Carlos was overheard

10:43

to comment. Kevin pays no attention

10:46

to the scientist who is rummaging

10:48

through the closet for a broom. He

10:50

walks past him, through the shards

10:53

of glass, out the door and onto

10:55

the street. He stands

10:57

there, as if waiting for someone,

11:00

or possibly the bus. The

11:03

twelve stops outside of Pico's Pizza, as

11:05

does the street car. While

11:07

we wait to see who or what Kevin

11:10

is waiting for, let's

11:12

go to a word from our sponsors. Well,

11:16

this is an unusual treat. Our

11:18

sponsor today is actually a local

11:20

non-profit organization. I

11:23

don't even know how that works. Shouldn't

11:26

someone be sponsoring them, or... Anyway,

11:29

it's a pleasure to be associated with

11:31

a group that's doing positive work in

11:33

our community. Charities

11:35

for a smiling god is Night

11:37

Vale's newest donation center. Bring

11:40

all your old, functional weapons down to the

11:42

pink yellow drop box at Somerset and Maine,

11:44

for charitable reasons. Whether

11:48

you're able to donate or not, Charities

11:50

for a Smiling God wants to take

11:52

this opportunity to share the good word.

11:54

That word is teeth. It's

11:59

a really good word. Isn't it? Teeth.

12:03

Teeth. Chompers. Smilers.

12:07

Show bones. Happy

12:09

squares. Jaw candy.

12:12

Show us your teeth. Give us your

12:14

weapons. We are always

12:16

watching. Now,

12:18

traffic. This weekend,

12:20

the Cineplex is hosting a 24 and 1 and

12:24

1 half year anniversary screening

12:26

of Steven Soderbergh's classic multi-narrative

12:28

film about international cat smuggling.

12:32

This landmark movie shed light

12:34

on the complicated relationship between

12:36

the United States and Mexico

12:38

as related to their mutual

12:40

reliance on the illegal kitten-husbandry

12:43

industry. The smeared,

12:45

unflinching, and downright adorable

12:47

portrayal of damaged lives

12:50

and toxic politics, all

12:52

told through family-friendly animation

12:54

and incredibly realistic gore.

12:57

Be sure to stick around afterward for

12:59

a Q&A with actor Lee Marvin in

13:01

attendance. While he was not

13:04

in the film, he has a lot of

13:06

opinions about it. Not all of

13:08

them are favorable. This

13:10

has been... Traffic. Back

13:13

to our top story. From

13:16

across town, a great and

13:18

thunderous wailing. It

13:20

reverberates off of buildings and streets.

13:23

It destroys our ability to concentrate

13:25

on anything else. It comes from

13:27

the deepest depths. Though

13:30

from the depths of what we do not know. What

13:32

we do know is that Kevin was not waiting for

13:35

a bus. He was waiting for

13:37

himself. Specifically, his younger self,

13:39

also known as the boy from

13:41

Grove Park. And that boy has

13:43

just arrived via the streetcar, which

13:45

lets off in front of Big Rico's pizza.

13:49

As the boy hops off the trolley, the

13:52

wailing ceases. The hissing

13:55

sound from the portal ceases. Now,

13:59

there is a great... and thunderous silence

14:02

that reverberates off of buildings and

14:05

streets and destroys our ability to

14:07

concentrate on anything else. From

14:10

all over town, we could

14:12

hear their conversation, though it is spoken

14:14

in low tones and meant

14:17

only for themselves. I

14:20

told you I would be ready for you next time, the

14:23

boy says, and I

14:25

told you I wouldn't be alone,

14:27

older Kevin says. No

14:30

one knows what older Kevin means by this

14:32

as he does appear to be quite alone.

14:35

I'm the one who is not

14:37

alone, younger Kevin says, his eyes

14:39

aflame with amber light, his body

14:41

stretching another foot taller, a

14:44

towering shadow falls across the street,

14:46

shielding young Kevin from the sun.

14:49

Older Kevin grimaces, I didn't

14:52

come here to fight, older Kevin says,

14:54

his eyes fixed on the shadow now

14:57

instead of the boy. Of

14:59

course not, young Kevin agrees, you

15:01

came here to be destroyed. Young

15:05

Kevin raises his hand up,

15:07

his fingers glowing and hypnotic.

15:10

Older Kevin opens his mouth to speak again,

15:13

but no words come out. His mouth

15:15

just continues to open and open

15:17

and open, falling

15:20

into a gaping smile of

15:22

his own needle sharp teeth.

15:25

Without another word, he crumples to

15:27

the ground in front of the number 12 bus

15:29

stop. Mother

15:32

Lauren steps from behind big

15:34

rickos, beaming down at the

15:36

boy. He beams back

15:38

up at her. As

15:41

they gaze into each other's

15:43

impossibly long eyes, a

15:46

chill passes individually through every person

15:48

in Night Vale, a

15:50

chill that numbs each of us to

15:53

inaction. We sit

15:55

or stand perfectly still, listening

15:58

to the distant sounds of buildings. Things

16:00

collapsing and streets buckling, smelling

16:03

smoke and acid, our

16:06

jaws loosening, opening,

16:13

smiling, until another shadow

16:15

falls across the street, one

16:18

resembling a distorted tripod. Everyone

16:21

in town simultaneously turns to look toward

16:23

the new silhouette at the end of

16:25

the block. Vacantly

16:27

at the form of three small

16:29

human beings, their fists raised together

16:32

in the air to form a

16:34

tiny pyramid. Listeners,

16:36

it is none other than

16:38

Alejandra Nunez, Rani Sharma, and

16:40

Nanako Barnes of Mr. Prescott's

16:43

5th period AP English class,

16:45

the tweens who so bravely vanquished

16:48

the villainous librarians at the Eastside

16:50

branch opening all those months ago.

16:53

The child warriors who faded from

16:55

the limelight due to their focus

16:57

on homework and standardized testing and

17:00

extracurricular reading. The heroes

17:02

we forgot we even had who

17:04

are now, as of 3 o'clock

17:06

today, on summer break. We're

17:09

not going to let you ruin our vacation,

17:11

lady. Rani addresses the

17:13

entity who is not exactly a

17:15

lady but is somewhat lady-shaped. The

17:18

three break their pyramid fist, then fan out,

17:20

blocking off their end of the street. Mother

17:24

Lauren spreads her wings, of which

17:26

there are many, blocking off

17:28

the other end of the street. Her

17:31

mouth that is smiling laughs. Her

17:33

mouth that is frowning screeches like a

17:35

freight train. The boy from

17:38

Grove Park reaches up and holds her

17:40

hand. The two small

17:42

groups advance toward one another.

17:45

More on this after a brief public

17:47

service announcement. Not?

18:01

Avoidance has a bad reputation when

18:04

it actually has numerous health benefits.

18:07

Avoidance has been proven to lower

18:09

stress hormones and raise antioxidant levels.

18:12

It even contains lycopene, a superfood

18:15

chemical previously thought to exist

18:17

mainly in tomatoes. When

18:20

faced with conflict, it's natural to

18:22

become reactive. The psychological

18:24

association recommends closing your eyes

18:26

instead. Clear your

18:28

mind, turn around, walk away,

18:30

don't look back. Feels

18:33

good, doesn't it? Now

18:35

back to the chaos and warfare

18:37

at hand with a statement by

18:40

Councilmember Tamika Flynn. Hi

18:42

everyone, it's me Councilmember Flynn.

18:45

First of all, I wholeheartedly endorse the

18:47

words we just heard from the fine

18:49

folks at the Nightglow Psychological Association. I

18:52

know things are a bit tense right

18:55

now and it's only natural to respond

18:57

to violence with violence. And speaking specifically

18:59

to my young friends, the Library Tweens,

19:02

I've been where you are and I

19:04

know how super satisfying attacking evil can

19:07

be, especially when you're using your fists

19:09

and feet and weapons and brains all

19:11

together in a perfect cocktail

19:13

of absolute annihilation. But

19:16

I want to reassure everyone that

19:18

I am working hard on passing

19:20

a comprehensive legislation package to stop

19:22

Mother Lawrence from destroying our town,

19:24

have everyone extradited back to their

19:26

own realities and close the portal

19:28

down for good, okay friends? So

19:31

just sit tight, avoid,

19:33

relax and wait. Oh and

19:35

young Kevin, please come home. I'll

19:38

make you mac and cheese sandwiches for dinner.

19:40

I know that's your favorite, okay bud? Everyone

19:43

else, we're gonna get through this together, I promise.

19:45

But first, the weather. Shit.

20:00

Absolutely no plot would use any bad to go to

20:03

rehearse into me. I

20:32

made it my business, you don't see just to say

20:34

that I did it and save on an image that

20:37

saved every minute. Stay

20:39

on the hip, it's the greatest, the exes

20:41

to play all these pitches. Ain't it by natives and

20:43

native a witness if it's heavy? I want it, I'm

20:45

on my way there to live. Life is a fun

20:47

game, what's our challenge? It isn't anybody who wants to

20:50

come. It don't matter what number you run.

20:52

Hit em with the lunch, hit em with the punch, show real colors

20:54

of doom. You know when that much is dry like the devil, fly

20:56

on the metal. Go so fast that you need to do the battle.

20:59

Make that cool, make that Just

21:02

because the world is an illusion doesn't mean that I won't find a thing that I want

21:04

to improve in. the

21:07

meaning of the life will be what you do with it. So I

21:09

blow my whole load on my whole go, my heart

21:11

on my low go, in a mortal enemy with

21:13

mortals on the throne. I'm gonna get in that

21:15

hole, I'm gonna get in that hole, cause I'm

21:17

gonna have you blow up off the straight down

21:19

road. I do me, I won't do

21:21

you. You gotta die on it while we lose.

21:24

Be number one, I do do do do do do do.

21:28

Who is keeping me away from me? I

21:30

believe I will be on my way because

21:33

I believe my due eye to me. I believe in life to me as

21:35

my movie. I am the writer of my own, I am TV. I am

21:37

TV. Your

21:40

reaction when it come to action. I am leading,

21:42

so I will be the one screaming at my

21:44

name. I made it. One minute to my

21:46

back, I'm not gonna have another crime in the man, and after y'all call

21:49

my mama. I know what to be donna the count, I don't need a

21:51

problem over haddle. I don't want to bow this, I want to mess it

21:53

up in another loudest list. Google will be moving on in half in this.

21:55

Who is really comfortable with smiling? Is it with us, moving on in the

21:57

loudest? And

22:00

when I have ever done about me look at it and

22:02

then I'm in an emotional homeland of them within a mile

22:04

without an animal feed. Our mouths open up the on a

22:06

little bit of benefit our well but I'm having to win

22:08

an email. Your mind you're going to move I'm I'm into

22:11

battle with the mama Mama recorded. Have a on about what

22:13

am I. Like

22:15

minimize. His

22:19

I'm in. I'm so much that you would have us.

22:23

In a lot of them. Was

22:26

awarded. Are

22:30

more than a. Or

22:32

my. Listeners.

23:53

While. i found council member flins

23:55

statement compelling it turns out

23:57

that the library tweens did

24:00

not feel that way at all. Their

24:03

favorite teacher, Mr. Prescott, insists that

24:05

they are usually very obedient kids

24:07

in the classroom who have a

24:09

lot of respect for adult authority

24:11

within reason. But on

24:13

summer vacation, all bets

24:15

are off. Despite Tamika's

24:18

call for nonviolent and lawful

24:20

solutions, I am reporting to

24:22

you now that violence is

24:24

occurring. Like a

24:27

lot of violence. I

24:29

will try to describe the battle unfolding on

24:31

our streets as accurately as I can with

24:34

the caveats that I don't actually

24:37

understand what I'm witnessing. I

24:40

can't tell what's right or wrong

24:42

anymore, and I have no way

24:44

to gauge who's winning or losing.

24:47

You know how in summer camp

24:49

movies, there's always a food fight

24:51

scene that makes no real sense

24:53

in terms of anyone's motivations or

24:55

alliances? It's just a complete nest

24:57

for the sake of messiness. That's

25:00

kind of what I'm seeing out there

25:03

right now. Except instead

25:05

of mashed potatoes and pudding,

25:07

it's blood and

25:10

disarray. Sometimes farm

25:12

animals, cars, office

25:15

furniture, a little bit

25:17

of mashed potatoes. But

25:19

it's not just Mother Lauren versus the

25:21

library queen. The town has

25:23

been divided and everyone is pitted against

25:26

each other fighting for one side or

25:28

the other. And I'm

25:30

getting word that there's now a

25:32

third faction emerging, which is mostly

25:34

made up of cookie vultures who

25:36

were drawn into town by the

25:38

smell of fresh carrion. And

25:40

yes, there are some human defectors who

25:43

have abandoned whatever side they were previously

25:45

on and are now fighting on the

25:47

side of the vultures as well. In

25:50

fact, I don't think there's actually

25:53

anyone out there listening to the radio

25:55

anymore. Nearly everyone

25:57

has taken up on lots of

25:59

houses. and workplaces and

26:01

joined whatever cause they believe

26:03

in or think they believe in

26:06

or want to believe in or

26:08

were forced to believe in. Stay

26:12

tuned for the end of something and

26:15

the beginning of something else. I

26:18

would say good night, Nightdale, but if

26:21

a tree falls in the forest, you

26:23

know? This

26:31

show is sponsored by BetterHelp. This year has

26:33

come by so quickly. What's something you're

26:35

proud of in 2024 so far? What's

26:38

something you used to want to accomplish this year? Those

26:41

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26:43

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26:45

and set achievable goals for the next six

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months. I talk to my therapist a lot

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about intentions, things I want to do for

26:52

myself. It helps to have someone to share

26:54

this with, someone who will ask questions back

26:56

and check in on how I'm doing. BetterHelp

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27:05

so you don't have to see anyone on camera

27:07

if you don't want to. Take

27:09

a moment. Visit betterhelp.com/Nightdale today

27:11

to get 10% off

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your first month.

27:16

That's betterhelp, help.com/Nightdale.

27:26

Welcome to Night Vale as a production

27:28

of Night Vale Presents. It is written

27:30

by Joseph Fink, Jeffrey Craner, and Bree

27:32

Williams and produced by Disparition. The

27:35

voice of Tamika Flynn is Symphony Sanders.

27:38

The voice of Night Vale is

27:40

Cecil Baldwin, original music by Disparition.

27:43

All that can be found at

27:45

Disparition dot fancamp dot com. This

27:48

episode's weather was Freak Flip

27:50

by Lossier the Artist. Find

27:52

out more at the link in our show notes. Comments,

27:55

questions, email us at info

27:57

at welcome to nightdale.com or follow us

28:00

on Instagram and on Tumblr at Night

28:02

Vale Official. We now have a TikTok

28:04

at Night Vale Official as well, so

28:06

you know, tick that talk.

28:08

Most importantly, check out welcometonightvale.com, where we

28:10

have a twice monthly mailing list that

28:12

is the best way to keep up

28:14

to date directly from us to you.

28:16

We love you, and you are special

28:18

to us. Today's proverb,

28:21

Hey now, you are all stars.

28:23

Get your game on, your space.

28:26

Hey now, you are all stars. Get

28:28

your game on, your space. Hey

28:58

y'all, it's Jeffrey Craner. So I do another

29:01

fiction podcast called Within the Wires, which are

29:04

stories told through the guise of sound

29:06

audio. Each season is a separate tale.

29:08

You want a prison escape told through

29:10

relaxation tapes? That's season one. Want a

29:13

love story that unfurls through voice messages

29:15

only? Season five. How about the revelations

29:17

of an unexplained death told through a

29:20

series of museum audio guides? Season two.

29:22

There are seven seasons of Within the

29:24

Wires for you to binge right now,

29:27

each only 10 episodes long. So

29:29

go get Within the Wires wherever you

29:31

get your podcasts.