0:02

This is a HeadGum Podcast. Hey,

0:06

everyone. Producer Kevin here. We're releasing a

0:08

special bonus episode today of some of

0:10

our favorite Q&A's and bonus calls that

0:12

we've been doing over on the Patreon.

0:14

You've probably heard us talk about the

0:17

Patreon and some of the intros and

0:19

teasing the upcoming livestream of the 100th

0:21

episode on July 25th. But

0:24

if you're unfamiliar, how it works is every time

0:26

Jake and Gareth and I record, we try

0:28

to always record some extra content that

0:31

lives just over there. So

0:33

like I said, some Q&A's with the

0:35

fans, answering any questions, and you know

0:37

how Q&A's work. And also some

0:39

bonus calls that have been a ton of fun

0:41

and behind the scenes with the guests and even

0:43

early access whenever we can of some of the

0:45

episodes, which has been really cool. There's

0:48

also a really fun community tab, and so there's a

0:50

whole world of people chatting about the episodes as well.

0:52

And then we try to get in there whenever we

0:54

can. If you like this

0:56

and you like what you hear, you

0:58

can check out more of it at

1:01

patreon.com/here to help pod and

1:03

check out the membership. It's called Ones and

1:05

Twos. It's because we release bonus episodes on the

1:07

11th and 22nd. Also

1:09

just a ton more. So hope you enjoy this

1:11

and enjoy the rest of your weekend. See you

1:14

on Monday. Hello. Hi. Welcome

1:17

to the Patreon part of We're Here

1:19

to Help. Who are you? I'm

1:22

Claire. Claire? How old? Where

1:24

are you calling from? I'm

1:26

36 and I'm calling from Arkansas. Well,

1:28

first of all, thank you for being on

1:31

our Patreon. We appreciate it. And

1:33

absolutely. What do you think? What

1:37

do you think of guest helpers as what we call the people who come

1:39

on the show and help us? Do you like

1:41

that, right? The guest helpers, like your

1:43

guests that come on the show? We have a famous

1:45

person come on and help us. We call them guest helpers.

1:48

Everyone's talking about it. Do you like that name for the

1:50

people who come on to help? Yeah,

1:52

I think that's cute. So do I. Thank

1:54

you. Yeah, it's cute.

1:56

No, stop it. OK, well,

1:58

what talk to us? What's up? Okay.

2:01

So my question is, who

2:03

would you two pick to play you in a

2:05

movie and it cannot be Aaron Paul and it

2:08

cannot be Joe Pesci? By

2:11

the way, Claire, you

2:13

nailed it. It's Aaron Paul and Joey.

2:15

That's pretty good. It's a great cast.

2:17

That would be a great cast. Those

2:19

two together in a show about guys

2:21

pissing each other off. Thank you.

2:24

For Claire, that's great. Well,

2:27

it really worked because it's

2:30

perfect. Are you asking

2:32

us like who we think we look like or

2:34

like who we dream, dream

2:36

actor to play us? Dream actor

2:38

to play you. And it doesn't have to

2:40

be somebody who looks like you necessarily. OK.

2:42

You know what I would honestly like? I

2:44

would like an animatronic of a silverback gorilla.

2:46

This is a crazy. I thought my answer

2:48

was going to be crazy that I heard

2:50

yours. And I would want it to be

2:52

like it could be my voice. I'd play

2:54

the voice, but I want it

2:56

to just be the voice. I

2:59

want it to look so goddamn good,

3:01

Claire, like the kind of money you

3:03

spend on this technology. It's just a

3:05

full on silverback. We can't afford yours.

3:09

Look, Claire's asking for my dream, but I would

3:11

like to be played. But nobody ever comments on

3:13

the fact that I'm a silverback. So if it's

3:15

like a story about upbringing and it's like at

3:18

the Little League game, when I hit a home

3:20

run, it's just a silverback and

3:22

a sleepover. It's five little boys and

3:24

a silverback and I'm jake. And

3:27

then it's me going like, good night, Mrs.

3:29

McElway, but it's a goddamn full silverback.

3:32

Like a blanket. Try to cover it

3:35

at the sleepover. You got well, Jake's

3:37

answers, obviously next level. I

3:39

want his insane. Yeah, insane. I want

3:41

it. I would either say Denzel

3:44

Washington or Anthony Hopkins. That's why I would

3:46

want Denzel Washington, because I'd like to see

3:49

like me and my boring life

3:51

have someone be like punch it up for like,

3:53

you know what I mean? Like I

3:55

got to get a salad like just that level

3:57

of emphatic. I wish no more. was here right

4:00

now. He would have a minute and a half.

4:02

Teying him up right now. Or

4:04

Anthony Hopkins, because again, brave

4:06

choices. And again, with my, like, to

4:09

watch him do kids' birthday parties, he's like, of

4:11

course I'm your spy demand. I

4:14

would love to watch that. Claire, we're

4:16

being told to move on. We appreciate your

4:18

call. Thank you for being part of our

4:20

show. Oh,

4:26

well. Oh, our first video! Hey! Hey,

4:30

look at you! Hi!

4:32

Oh my god, I'm so red! I'm so

4:34

excited! I like the video. I like the

4:36

video for the Patreon. I agree.

4:38

I agree. What can we do for

4:40

you? Thanks for calling in. Cool view. Where are we? You're on a

4:43

train! You're on a bus? I'm

4:45

on a train. I'm coming home from work. Fine! Three

4:48

hours ahead of you guys. So

4:50

where are you? Where are you? What's happening? I'm

4:53

in Toronto, Canada. Yes! Fun!

4:58

I have two questions for you guys. My

5:00

first is, what is a typical

5:02

day like for you? The second is, what

5:04

is your guilty pleasure at the end of

5:07

a long day? Well,

5:09

first of all, what do you do in Toronto? I'm

5:11

a nurse. I'm a transplant coordinator. So

5:14

I coordinate with them. Oh, nice. That's

5:16

incredible. And then how long is your

5:18

commute on that train? About 45 minutes. Do

5:21

you, Monday and Thursdays, are you pretty

5:23

locked into the show? Yeah,

5:26

that's my commute. It's my 45 minutes

5:28

on the show. I'm

5:30

realizing what I love about podcasts is

5:32

that you're making stuff for people's commute.

5:34

Oh, yeah. Which is, and that's when

5:36

I listen to podcasts. No, it's

5:39

the best. It makes you think back to like

5:41

when you didn't have something so easy to just

5:43

listen to. It's like, what were you doing? When

5:45

you just listened to the radio, you were like,

5:47

man, commercials, every station. But I now get in

5:50

the car, and if I'm throwing tunes on, I'll

5:52

be like, well, isn't this weird? Yeah. Listen

5:55

to me listening to the Eagles. A 20-year-old. Okay,

5:58

I'm lucky. Music I'm

6:00

gonna go dark. Yeah, then goes right

6:02

back to a pot. So a regular

6:04

day for me would be Nothing

6:07

too exciting. I'm trying to do since January

6:09

1st. I'm doing five days a week getting

6:11

at least a workout in so you start

6:14

Right. So I do it somewhere in the

6:16

day, but I'm always it's jujitsu based. I

6:18

don't need the eye contact I'm so sad.

6:20

It's like talking to Steven Seagal for so

6:22

it's like weird. Shannon You should know that

6:24

I am the danger these days It's

6:28

like a not okay thing to say to anyone

6:32

Thank you, thank you and as a nurse, you know,

6:34

you see a lot of victims of people they come

6:37

in there You need to get a transplant. You got

6:39

to get new arms and new legs for the son

6:41

of a bitch Because they just and you say what

6:43

happened and they go I came across the danger jujitsu

6:45

person We call you joke jujitsu. I'm gonna call you

6:48

a pretzel Um Here

6:51

what's your guilty pleasure? Um God,

6:54

I mean in the mirror doing your hair in different ways

6:57

No, no my guilty boy. It is Sephora and

6:59

get a bunch of different glosses. You want me

7:01

to answer? Yes, you want to just yes, you

7:03

want to just be jujitsu danger Jake. I'm gonna

7:05

just take him Shannon a crack I heard a

7:07

loud pop from that didn't feel good. I Would

7:11

say a guilty pleasure is

7:13

probably either I like to

7:15

drink wine or watch it Like

7:18

below deck below deck is my guilty.

7:20

I want yeah, I do. I love

7:22

below deck. I've seen every below deck

7:24

Oh, yeah, everyone sailing yacht Mediterranean

7:28

the OG How

7:30

do you compare it to the challenge? Okay,

7:32

who's your favorite captain? Who's your favorite captain

7:34

Sandy Shannon? Who's your favorite? Look at look

7:37

at her. Oh By

7:40

the way, yeah Is how

7:42

I've become What

7:44

was that that's a normal human reaction to you

7:47

Gareth hold on I let her answer why do

7:49

you hate Sandy? She's just kind of

7:51

a mean She's

7:54

not at all She

7:58

Stop it No,

8:00

the Australian captains are much better. I well

8:03

listen the Australia that actually Aussie

8:05

Aussie captain is just obviously a

8:07

hunk I mean he makes Kevin look

8:09

like a dweeb. That's how this guy

8:11

is you should see this guy Shannon

8:16

we appreciate the call. Thank you for calling. Yeah,

8:18

enjoy the rest of your commute. Enjoy that 40

8:20

minutes We got some fun episodes coming up. Thanks.

8:23

You'll be accompanying me Hello.

8:30

Hi Welcome

8:33

to the page and we're here to

8:36

help. Thank you. I'm so excited. We

8:38

are too. So what's your name? My

8:40

name is Stephanie. What's up? Hi Stephanie.

8:42

Where you calling from Stephanie? I

8:44

am from Mobile, Alabama Beautiful

8:47

Alabama is it hot there right now?

8:49

Oh It's like 80

8:51

beautiful. Well, what's going on talk to

8:54

us? Well, I am

8:56

calling to get your opinion on

8:58

something. I am in a Marta

9:00

Carol organization a parading society and

9:04

Right now we're starting to gather Items

9:06

that we throw off the flow

9:08

and to the crowd sure and so I

9:11

was looking for some unique and fun Ideas

9:13

of things I can throw off the

9:15

float. Hmm. And so you're obviously

9:17

doing the bracelets you doing the necklace You're

9:19

doing the beads you're doing the flowers. Yes

9:23

Yes, beads are like low-hanging fruit. That's like

9:25

the easiest thing to throw Everybody

9:28

will lift their shirt for some goddamn

9:30

be done Some

9:34

other things that I've thrown off there's these

9:36

pickle in a pouch. Oh Gross

9:39

I've been yeah, I've thrown that that's

9:41

fine. I've thrown Wrap

9:43

max which are like hips with like famous

9:46

wrappers on the outside of them like Snoop

9:48

Dogg and little baby fun You

9:50

could throw you could throw astronaut food. Oh,

9:52

I like that. That's Yeah, right

9:55

and somebody goes and like what is it?

9:57

They're like it's astronaut food astronaut

10:00

food. I don't think I've ever seen that.

10:02

Ice cream. Yes. There is

10:04

someone who does throw ice cream sandwiches. Yeah,

10:06

but you've got astronaut food. Astronaut food is

10:09

a whole different because the one thing you

10:11

don't want is if you're out

10:13

there you're drinking, you're partying, you're doing drugs,

10:15

whatever you're doing or you're just enjoying your

10:17

day. Thank you. But you're hanging around the

10:19

parade, something comes thrown at you

10:21

and you catch it. You don't want to be

10:23

like, oh a little Debbie, little thing. Who cares?

10:25

You want to grow? Well, this

10:28

was a weird experience. I like that one

10:30

a lot. I think I like

10:32

that too. Yeah, I would say I

10:34

got two. What if

10:36

you did like some of those crazy straws? You

10:38

know those straws that go like all windy since

10:41

you're drinking all those weird cocktails a day or

10:43

if the people are doing cocaine You

10:46

could have any never done cocaine out of

10:48

like a weird. I can't imagine that working.

10:50

No, you want the shortest

10:52

path from A to B You

10:55

don't want to be taking a break.

10:57

You probably wouldn't be able to get it all the way

10:59

up. It's a funny thing for my movie. It would be great

11:01

from a movie. The other thing you could do if you want

11:04

to be a little bit of a mom about it is

11:06

you could throw out like, you know, vitamins

11:09

that like milk thistle which is like

11:11

good for the liver. Milk thistle would

11:13

be hilarious. And then you do

11:16

it in like a little baggie of pills

11:18

so it looks like drugs, but all they're

11:20

taking is milk thistle. Can you throw Pills

11:23

into I wonder what the locale I guess

11:25

you probably could. Here's my last pitch is

11:29

you and people from the parading

11:31

committee you can Things

11:33

that you don't want anymore. You could pull those garbage. Just an

11:36

easy way to get rid of it Oh, I've got another thing

11:38

you could do you could go

11:40

to Kinko's and get little photos of

11:42

yourself and then put them in a

11:44

little bag and then It's

11:47

got you put it for weight one penny and

11:49

a photo of yourself That's

11:51

pretty funny. So people go like what

11:53

is this and they open it's a bag. It's

11:55

one penny and some lady woman from the float

12:00

So weird a thousand pictures of you with the

12:02

penny What do you think

12:04

of those that we're we're probably not so you're

12:06

probably but they are funny. What do you think?

12:09

No, it's yeah, that's what I'm looking for

12:12

funny stuff Like the astronaut food is definitely

12:14

something that I can get The

12:16

picture of myself might be weird just because

12:18

we're supposed to be a secret So I'm

12:20

gonna cover my face a little bit. What

12:23

about really hot jalapenos? He

12:25

did pickles in a bag Just

12:29

like the idea of really hot jalapenos a lot of

12:31

people throw them out and every once in a while

12:33

You'll get somebody who goes like fuck it. You know

12:35

what else you could do remember when well at least

12:37

when we were kids You would get like they

12:39

you know, they had the baseball cards But then it

12:42

would be like back to the future cards and you

12:44

would be like putting them in you could just go

12:46

and find A bunch of those weird 80s

12:49

70s 80s 90s cards and you

12:51

could throw those out too. How about Lady

12:53

Viagra? Lady Viagra, what's that? Thank

12:58

you so much for the call we appreciate Hi

13:07

there hi, can we have

13:09

your name, please? Yeah,

13:12

this is Sam Sam

13:14

and Sam. Where are you calling from and

13:16

how old are you? I'm

13:19

calling from Omaha, Nebraska and

13:21

I am Just outside of

13:24

30 Just outside

13:26

of 30 will explain what just because of

13:28

the really cool mystery there What is outside

13:30

of 30 about 48 years old or you

13:33

about 19? I'm just outside

13:35

of 30 person. I'm outside of 20 That

13:39

is the mystery that remains. No, I just

13:41

turned 40. So I That

13:47

is my favorite thing that's

13:49

happened To do it what

13:51

a great and like a little dork on my notepad

13:53

I wrote 30 at first. Yeah, I fell for it

13:55

right away Perfect,

13:58

then it's working Yeah, you're working. Well,

14:00

we're excited to hear your problem that

14:02

might be fabricated a little bit But

14:06

why don't you tell us tell us why you're

14:08

calling and we'll see what we can do for you Okay,

14:11

so I live

14:13

in the Midwest and I moved

14:15

from Georgia to Nebraska and so

14:17

it's our first summer owning

14:20

a home here and basically what happened

14:22

is that We

14:25

let our grass grow so long.

14:27

I felt like I was living on

14:30

the little house in the prairie back here

14:32

and so we I

14:35

don't know if you've ever mowed really thick grass without

14:39

any accessories like the thing that shoots it

14:41

off to the side or You

14:45

know, so ultimately it kept clogging

14:48

up and dying to the point

14:50

where I have to have my husband come

14:52

out and start it because even though I

14:54

think I'm Super strong. I cannot actually get

14:56

the mower to start sometimes So I

14:59

thought I'd reach out to you guys to

15:01

see if you had any cheap fun and

15:03

creative ways to solve this problem I

15:06

do you do perfect. Well, just just

15:08

to be clear the problem is how

15:11

do you how do you

15:13

get the lawn trimmed? Without your

15:15

husband's help or how do you get the

15:17

lawn cleaned up? How do you get

15:19

the mower to? Not

15:22

clog By

15:24

the way, you've called the right podcast.

15:27

Yeah, I mean These

15:30

are the we do we like to deal with the

15:32

big ones life's a big one You

15:35

guys were here for the serious side of it. We're here

15:37

for the yes, Sam. This is the good stuff So let

15:39

me ask a ready to party. Are

15:41

you a woman who? Works out

15:44

if I said yes, let's just go down

15:46

that path You

15:49

are interesting. Why don't you just

15:51

say what? Is the first call

15:53

that you have utterly confused me

15:55

and I'm more intrigued by this call.

15:57

I don't want it then yeah But

16:00

the best way to put it would be, I'm just

16:02

outside of joining a gym. Absolutely.

16:05

I may have the gym pass, I may go,

16:07

but do I go inside? I

16:10

don't know. No, I get that. So the reason

16:12

I say that is my

16:14

brother-in-law, my sister's husband, used

16:17

to do a thing called

16:20

dad workouts. And

16:22

he tried to create a thing where

16:24

whenever you're doing something, if we were

16:26

like all taken groceries in with the

16:28

kids, he would go, let's see

16:30

if you and I can carry all the

16:32

bags and squat our way in. So

16:35

from the car to the kitchen was

16:37

a super weird workout that was also

16:40

slash fun. So the thing I'm gonna

16:42

pitch to you is this. You

16:45

got some thick grass in that backyard, it's

16:47

eaten up your lawnmower, what a drag, right?

16:50

Now you could just let it rip and

16:52

have a backyard, have a party backyard and who cares?

16:54

But if you want it low, get

16:57

yourself a machete. Now

16:59

we've gone down the... You've

17:02

gone down the machete road? Well,

17:05

I like to call it more of like, I think they're

17:07

called like a site, right? So it's like

17:09

this thing that... I ain't

17:11

talking about a zyst. I'm talking about

17:13

a machete. No, a

17:16

site. It's a thing that like, it

17:18

looks like the Grim Reaper thing, but

17:20

he like... We're talking about the same thing. Yeah. Okay.

17:23

So we've also thought of like

17:25

a fire blaster, you know? But

17:29

it's too wet. But hold on. But

17:31

so what happened when you got the zyst? The

17:33

machete didn't work? It doesn't. No, it

17:35

takes a really long time because we do...

17:37

You guys, we live on border of an

17:39

acre almost. Okay,

17:44

you got a nice spot. So,

17:46

and then, you know, with the house on it. So if you

17:50

think about machete, like you have to have

17:52

some tautness so that somebody can chop it.

17:54

Otherwise, I don't know... I

17:56

know how to use a machete. But I don't know how to use a

17:58

rijac. Calm down. All right. Yeah, don't

18:00

tell me to chill out, you chill out. Okay.

18:02

Oh, we've also thought about Go. Yeah, that's what

18:05

I was about to say. And what's the thought

18:07

on that? Well,

18:09

I really enjoy the dad exercises.

18:12

I feel like we need to close the

18:14

loop on that and that I think my

18:16

husband could really benefit from that. So as

18:18

a takeaway, you wrote that down. I'm gonna

18:20

write that down for myself because I think

18:22

that that's a great, great option. Okay, so

18:24

the idea of dad workouts, but then what

18:27

would he, my was gonna say

18:29

with the dad workouts, but I'm gonna also put

18:31

that on a mom workout. And if you don't

18:33

have kids, then I'm gonna put it on a

18:35

Sam workout. And that is you grab that machete,

18:37

put yourself in a nice

18:40

three quarter squat. So

18:42

you're burning your thighs and

18:44

just whack, whack, whack until you're

18:47

dripping with sweat. And you might

18:49

look up and go, I've

18:52

gone four yards, but that

18:54

was four yards you didn't have before.

18:56

Go inside, get some lemonade, throw an

18:58

iPod in your ear and get back

19:00

out there. Whack, whack girl, get going.

19:03

In a month and a half, it might

19:05

be gone. I don't know how long it's

19:07

taking, but what you're gonna get out of

19:09

it, Sam, is some mean ass shoulders, some

19:11

mean arms, some great Omaha sun, and you're

19:13

gonna rip those calves a little bit. Yeah.

19:16

Okay. Gareth is hating this Sam,

19:18

but I think you and I are bonding on

19:20

it. I think that we're close to it, but

19:22

I'm shared. Okay, I respect that. I would be

19:24

too, I would be too. It

19:27

seems like you have a budget. Seems

19:29

like you're potentially buying a Fire Blaster.

19:32

You're talking about getting, sounds

19:35

like multiple goats. But

19:37

might I just pitch that you bring

19:39

in someone to just do the first

19:41

pass at this, like a landscaper, and

19:44

then you just maintain a lower level of

19:46

the grass where it's not like

19:48

trying to get through a jungle?

19:52

That's shockingly good advice. That

19:55

is perfect advice. It differs

19:57

on what we were thinking,

19:59

was go to Home

20:02

Depot, get a riding lawnmower, mow the

20:05

lawn, and then be like, oh no, something

20:07

broke and then have Home Depot come pick

20:09

it back up. Yeah, they could be,

20:11

but there could also be some, there could be fights in

20:13

trouble on that. Do you think

20:15

so? I do. Do you think Home Depot

20:18

would care about Sam from Omaha, Nebraska though? I

20:20

got to tell you, sometimes they do. You're not

20:22

just dealing with corporate. If you happen to get

20:24

one manager with a carrot up his ass and

20:26

then all of a sudden you're like pull it

20:28

to work and he goes, and then he, then

20:30

you're sitting there with an $1,800 mower. You're

20:32

never going to use again. I'm going to go, no, there's 2500. That's

20:36

what I mean. I mean, you're, you're a galaxy of hurt

20:38

where now you have, you could have got a, you could

20:40

have got an oldsmobile for fuck's sake. I

20:42

think Gareth is actually onto this. What

20:45

about hiring a crew to

20:47

come once a month? You

20:49

don't need it once a week, even if it gets going

20:52

and, or if you just go, because if you're

20:54

talking about you're in this, you know, it's kind

20:56

of ruining the fun of your backyard. You're

20:59

new to it. You don't need a once a

21:01

week guy. No, you need a

21:03

crew to come once a month. And I guarantee somebody

21:05

wants that job. And if you're on

21:07

a real budget and you don't want to hire

21:09

eight guys in a truck, put a sign up

21:11

and get a couple of teenagers, a

21:13

couple of 16 year olds who will go to

21:16

pay me a hundred bucks cash. I

21:18

think in Omaha, you're going to find willing

21:21

parties to do that. Yeah. Yeah.

21:23

Yeah. That's a good

21:26

suggestion. But I guess if you

21:28

guys think that it's better than getting a blowtorch or

21:30

go, I'm going to,

21:32

I feel very confident that it is better than

21:34

getting a blowtorch. You do. I

21:37

do. What, I think it's better than the

21:39

blowtorch for sure. What do you think the reality is that you

21:41

actually get into goats? They're

21:43

illegal in my county. Okay. So

21:46

you can't do the goats are sheeps illegal. We

21:49

can't even have chickens in our county.

21:51

Understood. Yeah. So

21:53

my advice to you on this one is

21:56

coming from me, which I now think is

21:58

wrong, is to turn it into

22:00

a workout, grab a machete and let it

22:02

rip a little bit. Gareth's

22:04

advice, which I think is also right on

22:06

this one, is to hire

22:09

a crew, either professional or just

22:11

neighborhood kids, like a babysitter, throw signs

22:13

up and let somebody kind of come

22:15

once a month to get this under

22:18

control until you decide what you want to

22:21

do with it. How we like

22:23

to end this call is, is there

22:25

anything you have heard on this that you think you

22:27

might do? And if not, what do you think you're

22:29

gonna do to solve this problem? I

22:32

really, really think that I'll probably go

22:34

with door number two. I

22:38

feel like throwing up some signs

22:42

and or finding someone with the

22:44

proper tools would

22:47

be the most effective way to handle

22:49

it in the fastest method. Sam,

22:51

good luck to you. We're on your tail on this

22:53

one. Good luck, Sam. Thanks, guys. This

22:56

episode of We're Here to Help was brought to you

22:58

by booking.com. Booking, yeah. It's

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Gil sent me. Hey

27:07

everybody, welcome to the Patreon

27:09

exclusive Q&A. We're

27:16

gonna start a new thing where

27:18

we are having Patreon members call

27:21

in and just fucking

27:23

BS. Yep, yep. What we

27:25

love to do, Jake. Cheer the fat. I'm excited about it.

27:28

What do we got KB? This is from

27:30

Tanya, she asked, if your moms were to call into

27:32

the show, what would their problems be? You know, it's

27:35

a funny thing that you could probably break us down.

27:37

How different our moms are. Yes, very,

27:40

yes. Because you're now here and Eve,

27:42

I'm here in Pam. Pam is very

27:44

supportive. Pam loves it. Yeah. Pam

27:47

is, she just thinks this is

27:49

so great. Your problem is

27:51

just lovely. Your problem is you

27:54

guys don't talk enough. Yeah, keep going.

27:56

Go for it, you two. Your mom's like,

27:58

relax. My mom's like. like here's

28:01

what's better about car talk lady

28:04

mo mama mo mama

28:06

mo mama well

28:10

what would you say eaves would be I

28:12

know you've talked about these stairs at her

28:14

house so my mom's well first of all

28:16

my mother would never call it right the

28:19

idea of calling in for help is not

28:21

a trait that mows do right you don't

28:23

fall off the mow tree and Kong go

28:25

here's an issue right but

28:27

mo you can't you're in charge and

28:29

everything's gone wrong yeah so I if

28:32

right now she's currently doing Renault on her house

28:35

right that has been a 65 year

28:38

project gone over

28:40

timeline from numerous every place she's been

28:42

the same project keep go so

28:45

she'll get to a place and as soon as

28:47

the bathrooms finished she'll get a new place and

28:49

destroy the bath right but her question would be

28:51

how do I complete a renovation

28:53

project and I will tell my

28:56

advice to her in real life and here

28:58

is I hear people stay out

29:00

of their way good

29:02

advice yes my mother goes

29:04

on a lot of walks and

29:06

and this will only help play

29:08

into the bullshit

29:10

that Jake has pushed before but

29:12

there are men cute outfit there are

29:15

men who creep on her oh really

29:17

yeah like older men will like be

29:19

like hit on her so I would

29:21

imagine she would want a way

29:24

to sort of avoid these conversations so

29:26

your mom gets hit on a lot

29:28

and doesn't like not a lot but

29:30

definitely is like opposed to it like

29:33

my mother my mother is only there's

29:35

only been like did

29:37

you see the banshees of Isherin well there's

29:40

a guy in this he's an English actor

29:42

you'd know him that's the only man I've

29:44

heard my mother be like I like him

29:46

yeah in like 40 there's okay

29:50

anyway next Jeff hello well

29:52

first of all you are

29:54

our first patreon caller oh

29:58

my god pretty big Heavy as the yeah. So

30:00

this is our first ever. We're trying something new.

30:02

We're going to see how it works. This is

30:04

exclusive for Patreon. You are a member. Thank you

30:07

for joining the Patreon. And can

30:09

we get your name, please? Yeah, my

30:11

name is Jess. Jess? Yes, oh boy.

30:14

Jess, where are you calling from?

30:16

I'm calling from Salt Lake City. Oh,

30:18

beautiful. Quick question for you, Jess, in Salt Lake

30:21

City. What are you thinking of the Patreon? Yeah.

30:24

I'm liking it. It's fun. It's fun to go

30:26

and chat with people. Oh, there's a community for

30:28

me. The helpers. The

30:31

ghillie beans. The ghillie beans. OK, so

30:33

Jess, do you have a

30:35

question today? So this is going to

30:37

be rather than a Patreon exclusive. This

30:39

is a ghillie bean exclusive. Yeah. OK,

30:42

so Jake has to name Gareth biography.

30:44

And Gareth has to name Jake. What

30:47

are the titles? Are

30:49

you calling me Garrett or Gareth? She got Gareth.

30:51

OK. Gareth. OK, I just want to make sure.

30:54

This was the most liked question

30:56

to you on the Patreon. Name the other ones

30:58

biography. That's a good question. I got a question

31:00

for you, Jess. I got one. Have you listened

31:02

to a lot of the show? I

31:05

do, yeah. I'm a couple of weeks behind. That's

31:07

fair. How about you go

31:09

first? Well, it's kind of like an

31:11

inside joke with my friends. And so I

31:13

think the last one we made, somebody

31:15

was talking about Naked and Afraid. And I was

31:17

like, oh, title my biography. That's good. Naked

31:20

and Afraid is pretty good. And then Jess, what do

31:22

you got for Gareth? You

31:25

got to name mine. I

31:27

feel like that Aaron Paul

31:29

has to make an appearance. Tough

31:31

affair. I got one

31:34

for Gareth. I'll stop talking when

31:36

I'm dead. Oh, actually, I got

31:38

a story for you. I

31:41

went to the dentist yesterday. And

31:43

she's the best. I

31:46

love my dentist. And while you

31:48

can't communicate, obviously, while they're there, but she talks

31:50

the whole time. So in between

31:52

moments when she was in my mouth, I

31:54

was fitting so much talking

31:57

into the breaks where

31:59

she was like, you don't have to. And I

32:01

was like, I this is a I have I

32:03

was like Jake is I was like trying I

32:05

was like it was she's so I was Storing

32:07

up bits in my head. I was like, yeah,

32:10

I'll talk about others do there is listen. I

32:12

was listening No, but what she takes I was

32:14

like exactly being like, you know what you should

32:16

do with the tooth fairy thing Here's what you

32:18

should do. You should tell your kid. Yeah, you

32:20

fundamentally said you were storing storing

32:23

this Other like a squirrel

32:25

with others listen. I and

32:27

then I'm

32:29

sorry that I have the best part of the conversation

32:31

ready to go Okay

32:35

mine for Jake would be rule

32:38

book because got

32:40

book in it and it is also Jake

32:44

has we I think we've touched on

32:46

on the show, but Jake has this

32:48

innate ability to He'll

32:51

pitch on like this is why I thought

32:54

the podcast would be so good is because

32:56

he'll pitch on things Right

32:59

away and a lot of times you'll go that's

33:01

pretty good. But but they don't like but even

33:03

this show I'll keep pitching out. I never the

33:05

problem is it never stopped and there's a lot

33:07

of bravado Yeah, but a lot of times like

33:09

that's pretty good. And there's a lot

33:11

of misses There's a lot of misses, but you will

33:14

acknowledge that but it's a good building Yeah, and he

33:16

liked the way that he would game out things so

33:18

quickly My friend Steve and I our friend was started

33:20

calling him rule book Yeah, because we were like this

33:23

guy literally we'd be walking down the street You'd

33:25

be like first one to throw a dime in

33:27

that cup gets a free beer We'd be like

33:29

this is great But this is why I think

33:31

the podcast works together and just thank you for

33:33

this question is We

33:35

knew it early on we the first episode we did

33:38

we did the Zoe was our first

33:40

guest So we did Zoe. I

33:42

think she was our fourth one We wanted

33:44

to do a few callers before and Gareth

33:46

got a little quiet Because he

33:48

was like well you guys have known each other and he

33:50

let us go and afterwards I

33:52

said if you remember yeah, I go hey

33:54

man. We're doing this together. You gotta keep

33:56

shooting Yeah, and I go if I'm talking

33:58

to them and we're in a bit, even

34:01

if I jokingly tell you to shut up, I

34:04

was like, the bit has to be

34:06

you're constantly shooting. Yes. So

34:09

the idea of rule book and I'll stop talking

34:11

when I'm dead. Just is an alternative title for

34:13

this show. Very very much so.

34:15

Because that is what it is. Very much so.

34:18

Very truly. But it's

34:20

why it's why it kind of has worked.

34:23

We both are ready to go and you

34:26

are always ready to because I'll go a lot of times

34:28

and you'll hear on the show if somebody

34:30

calls in with an issue that I it's a

34:32

tricky one. Gareth and I

34:34

a lot of the time were making eye contact and

34:37

we'll be giving each other nods and a lot of times what I'm

34:39

saying, I'm like looking at my notepad. I'm like, I don't get this

34:41

one. And I'll go, you got anything Gareth? And

34:43

I'll know he does it, but he'll go. Yes, I do.

34:46

So and you'll feel him. Vampin. Catherine

34:49

right. Man was the first one who called you out on

34:51

it. Yeah. Where she would be like, this is a lot

34:53

of Vamp. And you realize there's 45 seconds

34:55

where he hasn't said anything. He's

34:58

having joy. The audience is having

35:00

joy. And then he'll go in the middle of

35:02

it. He'll go. And then he'll

35:04

go, oh, actually. And now we've started. Well,

35:07

that happens with us, too. One of us

35:09

will just throw something something watered down and

35:11

the other will be like, no, but now

35:13

we still. But you need a shooter. Yes.

35:16

We appreciate your call. We appreciate you being

35:18

a Gilly Bean. And

35:21

we hope this thing keeps getting better and better. Thank

35:23

you. Awesome. Thank

35:25

you, guys. Hello.

35:29

Hello. Hey, how are you doing?

35:34

First of all, thank you for calling. Oh, thank

35:36

you for taking my call. Can we get your

35:38

name, please? Yeah, my name is Alex. So we're

35:40

on with a one and two or Alex. And where are

35:42

you calling from? Alex. I

35:44

am calling from the middle of nowhere in California

35:46

in a van, but I live in Los Angeles.

35:49

I like the van life. We're in the middle. And where are

35:51

you in the middle of nowhere, roughly? We

35:54

just stopped in Kettleman City or in and

35:56

out. Well,

35:58

what can we do for you, sir? What's on

36:00

your mind? Well, I was told that

36:02

you guys are doing a Q and A today.

36:04

So I have a couple of quick questions for

36:06

you. Okay, well, number one, I was

36:09

curious as to what Garrett's favorite road snack is. Since

36:11

I'm going to be on the road for the next

36:13

like six weeks. You know what I like? Before you get

36:15

into that, what are you doing on the road for

36:17

six weeks? I'm playing music. Oh, nice.

36:19

What's the name of the band? The band's name

36:21

is Cheek Face. So one and

36:23

two are support the Cheek Faces. Cheek

36:25

Face. Where are you gonna be? Are

36:27

you going all around? Are you going

36:29

like Pacific Northwest? NorCal?

36:32

We're doing Full North America.

36:34

We're full US and Vancouver

36:36

and Toronto. So Canada. Wow,

36:39

yeah, beautiful. Great places. Yeah.

36:42

Well, it depends. I always find when I start

36:44

on the road, it's an RX bar. Fucking

36:47

love RX bars. They're

36:49

great, they're healthy. Then

36:51

as you get halfway through

36:53

or three quarters of the way through, the wheels start

36:55

to come off the diet. You're starting

36:57

to not give a fuck anymore. As

37:00

it gets later, if you're doing overnights, it

37:02

starts to become those little donuts. Those donuts.

37:05

Sure. Those become a problematic

37:07

snack. But a Smart Pop,

37:10

if you're trying to keep the weight off, which is

37:12

the goal, I would go with RX

37:14

bars and Smart Pop. If you don't give a fuck,

37:17

I would say start going into those donuts

37:19

and those little honey buns. Just

37:21

let it rip. Oh

37:24

man, the honey buns, they forgot about those. Yeah,

37:26

don't sleep on them. Literally.

37:29

You could die. Yeah, no, I will not fall

37:31

asleep on one. That would be

37:33

problematic. Okay. What

37:36

else you got? Is that it buddy or is that the call? Well,

37:39

so my second question was a little more specific for

37:41

both you guys because I didn't want to leave Jake

37:43

out. It's okay. What

37:46

is each of your McDonald orders? Oh

37:49

Christ. I haven't eaten McDonald's in 10

37:51

years. Here's my

37:53

advice on that. Don't go there. Yeah, don't go there.

37:56

I mean, I eat the donuts. Yeah, I

37:59

would over that. What do you

38:01

get at McDonald's? Oh, I'm a McChicken

38:03

boy myself I'm

38:08

31 No,

38:13

you can't be doing that if you said

38:15

22 I would have read 31 years old

38:17

eating McChicken boy Well, I'm gonna tell you

38:19

you're gonna be a me checking dead man.

38:21

So let me tell a quick Let me

38:23

tell a quick McDonald's story very quickly. Yeah,

38:25

so we Jake and I have talked about

38:27

this bet Where I

38:29

was gonna get a tattoo of Brett Favre in a

38:31

Vikings Jersey, whatever we've told that story But

38:34

the day we were watching the game that bailed me

38:36

out We you came over to

38:39

my buddy Burns's place and we were all

38:41

hanging out watching it The energy was very

38:43

intense because there was a tattoo on the

38:45

line and I for no

38:47

fucking reason This is right before I

38:50

stopped eating. Yeah Maybe

38:52

it was tied in I don't know if you

38:54

remember this for no reason I go let's go

38:56

to McDonald's and give 50 cheeseburgers. I do remember

38:58

and everyone was like, what? Yeah, and nobody was

39:00

really into it I remember being

39:03

disgusted. So I went to McDonald's a few

39:05

of us went to McDonald's I got 50

39:07

cheeseburgers also in retrospect just awful to do

39:09

this staff just because you are basically just

39:11

being like hey It's like commit. It's like

39:13

comedy brought him back Everyone probably

39:15

had two or three and the energy dipped so

39:17

hard about 15 minutes after we all ate two

39:19

to three of the Speakers and

39:21

I was like this food. It's a killer.

39:24

It's a killer. Yeah, it's terrible. It's like

39:26

a date It's like day drinking the food.

39:28

Yes, we were all down so

39:30

but I would say avoid McDonald's. It's dog

39:32

shit Yeah, I mean it sounds

39:34

like you were forced to smoke the whole pack, right?

39:36

Yes. I think that's exactly right. Yes Hey,

39:39

buddy, we appreciate the call and good luck on tour

39:41

man. Go get it cheek face. Thanks

39:43

so much guys Thanks Hello

39:50

Hello, can we get your name, please? Kaitlyn

39:53

so what can we do for you today? Well,

39:56

I asked a lot of questions. I don't know which one

39:58

but I think which would my brown Emma told me to

40:00

ask this one. Wait, is your grandma

40:02

a listener? No, but

40:04

she hears all about it through me because

40:06

I cannot shut up about this talk. Yeah,

40:09

all right. It's become my whole life. Good.

40:11

Wow. OK.

40:14

So my question is, I need

40:17

advice on how to deal with some

40:19

cranky ass men. OK. OK.

40:21

So I'm from Wisconsin. Nice. What part?

40:23

Dane. Dane. Sure. Yeah. It's a real

40:26

small town. So we're dairy farmers. I

40:28

work with my dad and my uncles

40:30

and my cousins. We're all men.

40:33

I can be cranky sometimes if I'm honest.

40:35

Sure. And I need

40:37

some advice to deal with cranky old men. Gareth,

40:41

how do you deal with me? Sometimes

40:44

let them crank it out. Other

40:49

times engage a little bit. And

40:51

then sometimes commiserate. Make sure they're

40:53

fed. Yeah, feeding

40:56

is big. Oh,

40:58

yeah. Make sure whatever's in my ear. So

41:00

you work with a bunch of mows. Make

41:03

sure whatever is whatever mows dealing with, whatever

41:05

is pissing them off, just

41:08

say you see it too. Yeah. If one of the

41:10

cows did something that's a pain in the ass, go,

41:12

you're not wrong. Yeah. I

41:15

would say even be a little pissed off.

41:17

Yeah. I'm mad too. I know. You know

41:19

you could also do what really ends it.

41:21

It's like multiplication. You know, something times zero

41:24

is always zero. So I'm

41:26

going to give the opposite advice. If

41:29

you're cranky about something, let's say I'm on that

41:31

farm. And I'm cranky because every time I try

41:33

to milk this one fucking cow, it kicks back

41:35

a little bit. And the fucking thing, it

41:37

always hits my knee while I'm helping it. You don't want me

41:39

to fucking milk you. Your tits are going to get you're going to

41:41

be in pain. So when

41:44

somebody starts getting mad, get five

41:46

times as mad. That's

41:48

pretty good. And you get mad at what

41:50

they're getting mad about. So it creates chaos.

41:52

What about a storm out? You

41:55

get so mad you storm out. Just

41:57

once. Just sort of send the

41:59

message that like, don't light my

42:01

fuse. Yeah, you know what you

42:03

become the crank is somebody goes

42:05

you know what the barn got wet you go Okay,

42:10

but I'm fucking out of here and I'll get

42:12

some towels yeah, and you storm out and

42:14

everybody goes hey Don't

42:16

tell her anything that's going bad hide it. She's

42:18

getting hot Yeah, so the only time you don't

42:21

storm out as if they're well-behaved. What do you

42:23

think of that? It's pretty solid I like that

42:26

I think it would be really funny because

42:28

I like generally grew up very quiet Yeah,

42:30

and I have gotten louder as the years

42:32

go on but they've never

42:34

really seen me storm like in

42:37

person I would I would try

42:39

that and then I would also not

42:41

not to play it into like the

42:43

stereotypical gender at some point I would

42:45

maybe get emotional over the thing too. You're so

42:47

bad. You get emotional. Yeah, you know, they'll be

42:49

like oh boy. Come on That's pretty good too

42:51

because I am the only girl Yeah, I

42:53

think if you're comfortable with that that's not a

42:56

bad You know what you could play on that

42:58

is when they're being grumpy you start to cry

43:00

and go like there It's just making me feel

43:02

really emotional and then if they say what it

43:04

make you stop you go having a pleasant attitude

43:07

Yeah, so if they

43:10

are just pleasant you don't cry

43:12

or scream Yeah, but if you do anything

43:14

if they do anything to rock the boat

43:17

you fucking turn it into a tsunami Yeah,

43:19

I think that's what it is. It's whatever it

43:21

is. It's don't just demure push back with

43:23

some emotional Resonance now,

43:25

let me ask you a question as a true Gilly

43:27

Bean What's been your favorite?

43:30

Okay, what's been your favorite call? Oh

43:32

got one that jumps out. So I

43:35

Really truly love them all especially when it's

43:37

like you guys just like going back and

43:39

forth. Thank you for that Fuck

43:42

the gasps. I just die. I die I'm

43:46

usually out with the cows and I will

43:48

laugh out loud like I'm by myself So

43:51

if anybody sees me they're gonna think

43:53

I'm not you know what you just said honestly

43:55

and I've talked to Gareth about it But

43:57

what I love about this podcast is that

44:00

that there's a lady in Wisconsin with a

44:02

bunch of cows listening, just fucking around and

44:04

having a better day. That's what makes this

44:07

really fun and really different than TV

44:09

and movies. It's like, it's just,

44:12

it's in your ear, you're going about your day

44:14

and you're laughing around a bunch of cows. That's

44:16

good stuff, man. It could also be a way

44:18

to solve the problem you called about is another

44:20

thing you could do is just take the AirPods

44:22

out and just put it on a speaker and

44:24

let the podcast play for a little while. Or

44:27

when they start talking and they're

44:29

grumpy, so I can't hear you

44:31

listening to my podcast. Yeah. That's

44:35

good, that's good. And honestly, please

44:38

get grandma to listen to an episode. We

44:40

really are trying to get that scene. Can

44:42

you film grandma listening to an episode? Please.

44:44

Can we give her a birthday shout out?

44:47

Yeah. She turns 80 in like two weeks. What's

44:49

her name? Eileen. What do

44:51

you call her? Mima. Grandma.

44:53

Grandma, okay. Hey, Grandma Eileen, what's up?

44:56

She's the greatest grandma because, so

44:58

we're farmers, she still cooks us

45:00

lunch every day. Wow. That's

45:03

like, she wants to do this. Taking

45:05

it back to the old school. All right, well listen.

45:07

All right, ready? Happy

45:10

birthday to Eileen. Grandma,

45:12

to some. Happy birthday

45:15

to Eileen. Grandma to

45:17

some. Happy

45:20

birthday dear Eileen. Happy

45:24

birthday to you.

45:28

Thanks for being 80 and making lunch every

45:30

day. You're a sweetheart. It means a lot.

45:32

Thanks, Caitlin. Thank you. All right, talk to

45:34

you later, bye. Hi

45:36

there. Who are we talking to? My

45:39

name is Brittany. Brittany, hi. Welcome

45:41

to We're Here to Help. You've

45:44

got Jake and Gareth. Can I ask your

45:46

age and where you're calling from? Yes,

45:49

I am 36 and I'm calling from my

45:51

office in Burbank at the moment. Burbank,

45:54

we could do this in person. Yeah,

45:57

California, it's very exciting. Well,

46:00

welcome. We're excited to hear

46:02

what's going on. Why don't you tell us what's up? Okay.

46:05

So basically I need a new

46:07

go-to drink order when I go

46:10

out with friends. I

46:12

can't drink beer, whiskey, some gin or

46:14

scotch. Like I know that's annoying. My

46:17

default drink. Hold on, Brittany. You

46:20

just jumped over a lot. Why

46:23

can't you drink beer, whiskey, all

46:25

those? Are you like an allergy

46:27

lady? Are you a wild drunk

46:29

woman? I'm

46:31

an allergy lady. It's unfortunate. I

46:33

have celiac. Also

46:35

anything with I'm going

46:37

to pretend that now that this is also going to be a medical

46:40

call. But so anything with gluten?

46:42

Exactly. You are so smart. I

46:45

call the right people. That question was

46:47

from both of us just seeing that. But

46:49

what about a Tito's then? Can't you get

46:51

isn't Tito made out of potatoes? Yeah,

46:54

I can do Tito's. I can do

46:56

most of Vodka's tequila, champagne and rum.

46:58

It's a key. I wonder if

47:00

you because I got to tell you here be

47:03

you're talking to another allergy guy. Oh,

47:05

sorry. I had a Brittany. I'm

47:09

going to go on a little tangent here, but we're going to

47:11

get back to you. I promise I did a

47:13

press tour. I didn't I didn't have anything. I did

47:15

a press tour with Damon Waynes Jr. We

47:17

were in Arizona. It was for either Let's Be

47:19

Cops or New Girl. And I

47:22

woke up with bumps all over my body, my face,

47:24

my neck. And I was convinced

47:26

it was bedbugs. And

47:28

we freaked out. It was it was Let's Be

47:30

Cops because Nick Thomas, the writer was there and they

47:33

were like, this is disgusting. This dump of a hotel

47:35

gave you bugs. I was on a plane. Nobody

47:37

would sit next to me. I had to kind of

47:39

sit in my own little space. I got home, throw

47:41

away all my clothes. My wife wouldn't let me in

47:44

the house, throw away my luggage, got

47:46

in like basically a

47:48

gown and went to the emergency room. And

47:51

the guy did a blood test and said, not bedbugs.

48:00

on a journey because one of

48:02

my allergies I found was also the creation

48:05

of histamines. So

48:07

wines, beers, all that out the window.

48:10

Oh, no. But the journey to

48:12

beautiful tequila and vodka

48:15

began. And you

48:17

are definitely the right person. Yes,

48:19

you've called the right place. I'm

48:23

so thankful. What was

48:25

your favorite drink before you found out about

48:27

this allergy, Brittany? What was your

48:29

go to? I didn't drink a lot

48:31

before. I grew up very lame

48:33

and sheltered. And

48:35

so I didn't have my first drink until I was

48:38

21. And then probably after that, it

48:40

was like another year or two. So

48:42

I just discovered alcohol and then it

48:44

was all taken away from me. So

48:47

up to this point, my default is kind of

48:50

just like a vodka diet coke. But I

48:52

get a lot of side. Yeah,

48:54

that is wild. A vodka diet coke.

49:00

That's a Montague and Capulet cocktail. OK,

49:03

this is why I need you guys, because

49:05

this is the reaction I get everywhere. Yeah,

49:08

and everyone's right. Everyone's

49:10

right on this. I hate to say it like that,

49:12

but they're right. Brittany, if you and I went out

49:14

and I said, you go, let's just sit at this

49:16

corner table. I grew up pretty sheltered. This bar is

49:18

a little much for me. And I go, let me

49:20

handle the order. And I grew up like a wild

49:22

animal. And I go, B, what

49:25

can I get you to drink here? You've been

49:27

working all day in Burbank, you're exhausted. And you

49:29

go, just get me a vodka diet coke. I'm

49:32

I'm walking right. I'm going to the bathroom,

49:34

crawling out the goddamn window. And

49:36

I know order. And we're

49:38

not trying to roast you, but that is the

49:41

drink order of someone who didn't have alcohol till

49:43

after twenty one. You're just kind of taking two

49:45

things you like, but they don't. You gather. They

49:47

don't. They can't. They can't. OK,

49:51

so, Brittany, let's let's get to the root of this. What

49:53

do you like about a

49:55

vodka diet coke? You just like diet coke and you like vodka?

49:57

Or do you just like a diet coke? I

50:01

like that I can pronounce it. I like that it's

50:03

easy. I like that, you know, anywhere

50:05

you go, except some places only have Pepsi and

50:07

that I will not do a vodka Pepsi. That

50:10

is just that's crossing a line for me. Interesting

50:13

line you have there. I'm with

50:15

guys 100. I have, I

50:17

have some taste. But

50:20

I just, I don't know. I think it's

50:23

lovely. I blacked out. I forgot what

50:25

you asked me, but oh, it's

50:27

sweet. It's nice. It,

50:29

you know, if the ice melts,

50:32

it doesn't taste terrible. If you add like a

50:34

little squeeze of lime. Brittany,

50:36

do you, do you not really like

50:38

alcohol, but you're going out socially and

50:40

you like the social lubrication of it

50:42

all? Well, I don't

50:44

need social lubrication. I'm like a who

50:46

and a half. I am usually the

50:48

designated driver because I am so fun

50:51

without alcohol. However, like when I

50:53

do go out. Yeah. When I

50:55

do go out with friends or on dates or

50:57

whatever, I just, I don't want to gross people

50:59

out, you know, and I think this is really,

51:03

you know, I'm still single and I would

51:05

like to not be. And I have a feeling

51:07

maybe if I can get a cool drink order

51:09

that sounds either fun or sophisticated, that might help.

51:12

I'm going to tell you this. It's not going to hurt. Perfect.

51:17

Yeah. Now let me

51:19

ask you one question. And I only ask this

51:21

because I am trying to target the perfect cocktail

51:23

for you. Is

51:26

the diet coke part of it? Is that

51:28

is that a calorie rationale or is that

51:30

just you like diet coke? It's a good

51:32

question. You

51:34

know, I just like a

51:36

diet coke. I think a regular coke, it's

51:38

just way too much sugar. I'm also I

51:41

don't drink coffee. I'm like a very pepi

51:44

without anything. And so I'm just afraid to

51:46

add a lot of sugar in because I'm

51:48

already, you know, a little hummingbird. Can I

51:51

just before Gareth, you start thinking of drinks because

51:53

I feel like you're going in a direction that

51:55

I'm going to try to get us away from.

51:57

OK. We get rid of the. diet,

52:00

Coke of it all in the sweet

52:02

drink. You don't want to order a

52:04

sea breeze. You don't want to order

52:06

a screwdriver. You don't want to go

52:08

like, do you have fresh pineapple? You're

52:10

just looking for a simple drink that

52:12

doesn't overly taste like alcohol that

52:14

is going to be socially acceptable. You're not

52:17

somebody, it doesn't seem to me like you're

52:19

somebody who's a problem drinker. So you're going

52:21

to have one or two drinks tops. I'm

52:24

going to lead out with something here, Gareth. Okay,

52:26

go. Here's what I would lead

52:28

out with. A Tito's vodka,

52:30

because when you order a specific brand,

52:32

it's cooler than just saying, well, vodka.

52:35

Okay. You know, when you're 22, you

52:37

could just say like, whatever. And then

52:39

they just give you trash. So

52:41

a Tito's is a nice solid vodka. It's

52:43

also made from, uh, it's potato based. And

52:45

if anybody wants to check my facts, I

52:48

don't have them. I'm confident, but I don't

52:50

have a lot of that knowledge. So I'm

52:52

very good. I believe it's that's your sweet

52:54

spot. Yeah, thank you. And what I would

52:56

do is I would do a vodka soda

52:59

with Tito's and extra limes and

53:01

I would actually take the limes

53:03

and squeeze them in, then

53:06

mix it together. And now you've got

53:08

a, you let that ice melt

53:10

a little bit, which will cut into your

53:12

vodka. And now you have a watered down

53:15

vodka with the carbonation in the lime. And

53:17

for a 36 year old lady

53:19

in Burbank who's just looking for one drink on a

53:21

date, that feels pretty sweet to

53:23

me. It's a sophisticated order. It feels

53:26

like a nice solid thing that you're going to

53:28

actually enjoy drinking. I like it.

53:30

That feels good. I could get behind

53:32

that. I like that. I feel comfortable

53:34

with it. It's not making me sweat.

53:36

You know, I'm not getting nervous thinking

53:38

about it. It's a really easy order

53:40

and the name branding, the vodka helps

53:43

and having like the extra lime

53:46

just make you feel like you got a

53:48

little bit of flair. Goddammit. Yeah.

53:51

Like it's a little vacation. It's actually

53:53

probably the cocktail I'm going to be

53:55

moving to soon because I

53:57

like wine. I see. Guys

54:00

like Jake and I, we cut out

54:02

hard liquor for reasons that are not,

54:04

we have an allergy like gluten to

54:06

it. It's more like we

54:08

forget things that we said to

54:10

people. We had long conversations. I

54:12

had my last public blackout probably

54:14

about two and a half years

54:16

ago at a wedding. And

54:18

since then, I've sworn off the hard alcohol

54:21

as far as like, you know, shots, things

54:23

like that. But a vodka

54:25

soda is a very simple drink. I think

54:27

you're definitely not going to get a lot

54:30

of judgment because that is a very popular

54:32

drink. I have one other pitch and

54:34

it's just because I think

54:36

it's a good conversation start, right? So if

54:39

you want to go under the radar, I

54:41

think the vodka soda is perfect. But if you

54:43

want someone to be like, what the hell did

54:46

you just order in a good way? Bellini.

54:49

I'm looking it up. A Bellini is low

54:53

calorie. It

54:57

is gluten free. And

54:59

it's just kind of a weird little

55:01

cocktail to get dropped off. It's basically

55:04

mimosas, but it's got a better name.

55:06

Mimosas we all know is the breakfast

55:08

drink. It's what us alcoholics have with

55:10

waffles to pretend like things are fine.

55:13

But the Bellini is maybe a way, if you're on a

55:15

date and you don't want to

55:17

say the vodka diet soda, which we're all

55:19

flagging as problematic, vodka soda, you're

55:21

going to fly under the radar. Hey,

55:23

what the hell is a Bellini? There

55:26

you go. Yeah. But Brittany,

55:28

do you want a what the hell's a Bellini

55:30

moment? I'm a big researcher,

55:32

so I'm just going to look up a

55:35

Bellini after this. I think I've had one

55:37

before. As long as I can confidently talk

55:39

about it, that's great. People

55:41

don't even give me a chance to talk about vodka

55:43

diet coke before like you two just went off on

55:46

me. So I feel

55:48

like a Bellini that's more approachable. So I think

55:50

I could do that. We

55:52

piled on it. Let me just say on behalf of

55:54

both of us, I'm sorry. We really just we jumped

55:56

right out. I got to jump the other way. We

55:58

jumped on, but I think we jumped on for good.

56:00

Good reason. I agree, but I'm trying to be nice.

56:02

I just, I know you're trying to be nice, but

56:05

sometimes there's a grenade and you're around a bunch and

56:07

you got to jump on it. And we did Brittany,

56:09

we're, we're here to help. We're not here to rub

56:11

your back and say, great job. Avaka diet Coke is

56:13

a bad order. It is a, it

56:16

is what Charles Manson would have. You're

56:20

right. I'm being aggressive. Now maybe I over jumped. I

56:22

apologize. I don't know. I never learned if I don't

56:24

hear this. That's right. But you do

56:26

seem like a lovely person. I think

56:28

a Bellini is okay. I wouldn't lean

56:30

out on a Bellini personally. I like

56:33

to fly under the radar, but if

56:35

you're somebody who likes to research, that's

56:37

fine. Here's another easy one. And

56:39

this is just a, you could look a

56:41

little cool, but without being over

56:43

the top, you could, uh, a

56:45

hard seltzer and ask for anything

56:48

local. So sure you

56:50

could go in and claw, but so, but

56:52

you could also go like, do you have

56:54

any, uh, especially in California, all these like

56:56

hipster brewery places now are doing their

56:59

own hard seltzers, but infused with

57:01

like mangoes from a local mango

57:03

tree. That's pretty good. And I

57:06

gotta tell you, they taste delicious. This

57:08

is pretty good. There's not a high alcohol

57:10

count. So if you

57:12

are a quote unquote problem

57:14

drinker, like a the

57:17

guy's giving you advice right now, you can take

57:19

a hundred of those and you're going

57:21

to be just fine. But if you make this

57:23

call and you go, I do have any like

57:25

local breweries that are doing their own hard seltzers,

57:28

they will have one or two. And then

57:30

if you go, you know, you named the fruits that's

57:32

infused in it that you like, you're

57:35

going to really enjoy that can in my opinion.

57:37

So I would go, I like that. I would

57:39

either go that or the

57:41

most basic is vodka soda, Bellini,

57:44

if you want a conversation

57:46

starter. And if you want

57:49

to do the hard seltzer with a conversation

57:51

starter, hard seltzer and

57:53

I'd like a champagne flute. He's

58:00

leading me wrong. Now,

58:03

I'm helping. You've got some. I we've found

58:05

some ideas here. Now we like to end

58:07

these with. What

58:10

do you think you're going to do? I

58:12

think I'm going to do the TTO's and

58:14

vodka. I think that's super easy. I will

58:17

do a Bellini once this summer. I will

58:19

try everything. And then

58:21

I'll take notes. I'll report back. Right.

58:23

Please. Yes. Please let

58:25

us know. And I think no matter what,

58:28

the fact that you're moving away from the

58:30

vodka diet soda, you're just surrounded by wins.

58:33

So I agree. You know, enjoy yourself and

58:35

you'll find it. And I think also, again,

58:38

I'm not I think I'm really leaning into

58:40

this conversation starter. But the fact that

58:42

you're playing the field, that's a conversation starter.

58:44

So if you need it, it's there. Yeah,

58:47

perfect. I was like,

58:49

you got real quiet after my last

58:52

line. Well, I think you honestly weirded

58:54

the fuck out of everybody. Me. Yeah.

58:56

You know, it's a palpable feeling right

58:58

now. I think you got too honest.

59:01

I just want the conversation started. And when

59:03

we started this call, everybody was on board

59:05

with that. But you don't get the jump

59:07

ship right now. I know we want more

59:10

podcast voice, Gareth. We don't want the real

59:12

guy who's got a asshole together. No,

59:15

we live a diet. Goodbye,

59:17

Brittany. This was a perfect call. We

59:20

appreciate you calling. We hope

59:22

we helped a little bit. Thank you, Brittany.

59:24

You helped a lot. Thank you. Bye.

59:28

We're here to help is hosted by

59:30

Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds. The show

59:32

is produced and edited by Kevin Bartelt

59:34

and the associate producer and editor is

59:36

AJ McCate. Our social media director is

59:38

Caitlin Tanwakio. And our video editor is

59:40

John DeBruin. The theme song is made

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by Oliver Raleigh. And you can check

59:44

out his music at oliverrally.com. That's

59:48

Oliver R.A.L.L.I. .com.

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The album artwork is by James Fostike. You can

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find him on Instagram at James underscore Fostike. D

59:55

I K E. And if you'd like to see

59:57

me do stand up on the road, go to.

1:00:00

and if you'd like to be on

1:00:03

the show, email us your question at

1:00:05

helpfulpod@gmail.com. All of the advice given

1:00:07

on We're Here to Help is for entertainment purposes

1:00:09

only and all listeners should be adults and make

1:00:11

their own decisions.