2:00

While. From what happened to her

2:02

during it? Yeah, I think you

2:04

will be surprised. So we're

2:06

hoping that this will get, you know, all the

2:08

Good Place fans because we've got some insights that

2:10

you're not going to get on Entertainment Tonight. No.

2:14

Mario Lopez isn't getting the, he's not

2:16

breaking this news. No, absolutely. And that's

2:18

actually a smooth transition because I'm living

2:20

in hotels again where Mario Lopez lives

2:22

full time in the hotel TV. So

2:27

today I'm in

2:29

Potsdam, Pennsylvania, and I get a

2:31

knock at the door and it's

2:33

the police. And

2:36

shocking, right? You know,

2:39

I did have the do not disturb on, so

2:41

I thought the maid, baby, was ignoring. And

2:45

apparently, yeah, it's not a barrier for the law enforcement.

2:47

Can you imagine the cops, Karen? It's

2:49

from 4-1-2. It's

2:52

from a 4-1-2. It's

2:56

got the do not disturb. It's on

2:58

the handle. Let's go to the front

3:00

desk and they can call him and see. No,

3:03

it's do not disturb, O'Malley. We'll

3:05

wait until he exits the hotel tomorrow. Go

3:07

to the window. Well,

3:09

okay. So

3:13

they're like, you're the comedian? And

3:15

I'm like, huh? I

3:17

hope so. And they basically- Did

3:22

you have a second in your head where

3:24

you're like, I'm the Lenny Bruce of Tickles

3:26

in Pennsylvania? What did I say that just

3:28

closed the bank? I'm doing a

3:30

little bit of crowd work, but I also was talking

3:33

government a little. The fact that they were there with

3:35

a comedy warrant, I was like, oh, boy. Yeah, I

3:37

was a little bit like, what did I say? Thinking

3:40

back to my Twitter or whatever.

3:42

But earlier today, I was shooting

3:44

a promo for my Boston show, and

3:47

I was shooting, and Luke is in his room, and

3:50

we were like, oh, it'd be funny if I like am

3:52

waiting outside your window. We're on the first

3:54

floor, so I'm like, I'm waiting outside your

3:56

window, and you open your curtains, and I'm there

3:59

just doing my Boston promo. promo, just like a creep, you

4:01

know? And as we

4:03

were finishing it, he's closing the blinds and I start

4:05

banging on the window like, come to my show, come

4:07

to my show, something like that. Did it one time.

4:10

And apparently that was enough to

4:13

scare someone. And then the cops

4:15

were at the door. And

4:19

then he's like, and then

4:21

so they start kind of almost

4:23

investigating me like comedy court. He's

4:25

like, and you're a comedian? And

4:29

what kind of comedy are you doing? Well, they kind of have to.

4:32

I don't know if they need that part, but it

4:34

is very interesting how quickly I was

4:36

like, I do

4:38

stories, I do observational, I do crowd work,

4:41

you know? And then it's

4:43

like, you know, and then so I'm

4:45

like, if you guys

4:47

want to come to the show and right away

4:49

both are like, yeah, probably not. And

4:52

I was like, okay, so we're just, we're

4:54

learning our roles in this little interaction for

4:56

sure. And

4:59

that's- I had a

5:01

thing where I was in Dublin doing like an acting

5:03

school in college for a little bit. And

5:05

I had a roommate named Brandon Voss, who's still

5:07

one of the funniest guys I've ever been around.

5:09

And we had all the other students were

5:11

like below and above us and we were just looking for

5:14

attention one night. And so we

5:16

pretended to have like a big domestic

5:18

dispute between us and

5:20

he was yelling and I was yelling. We

5:23

were little in our twenties in acting

5:25

school. So we like dressed the part, was wearing

5:27

like a little like white tank top. And

5:32

we're screaming at each other, pretending pans are

5:34

going. And what we thought was, and

5:37

we had like set it up in class that we

5:39

were arguing a lot. We were pretending to be like

5:41

a little twosome. And we were thinking like, some

5:44

girls from upstairs would be like, are

5:46

you beating up Brandon? And

5:49

the Dublin police came, but

5:51

we were so committed to the thing that when

5:54

there was knock and I went like, what? And

5:56

he in the background was like, just open

5:58

the door you animal. Wow. You

6:01

guys are like, it's like David Mamet. Yeah, well, we

6:03

kind of like in our game, when we thought we

6:05

were we were not sober, we thought we were so

6:07

funny. And so I go like, what? And they were

6:10

like, like, open the door. And I opened the door

6:12

and it's these two young Irish

6:14

policemen. But Brandon in

6:16

the background was asking, like acting like,

6:19

oh, and to transition from that

6:21

with police, that it's a game.

6:24

Oh, yeah. It's not their line of work. So

6:27

they were like, what's going on? And I was like,

6:29

oh, this is a total misunderstanding. They're like, is it?

6:31

What are you doing? And I'm like,

6:33

pretending to be in a verbal

6:35

dispute with my roommate, who's truly a good

6:37

friend. And he's like, can

6:39

we come in? I'm like, yeah, it went on. We couldn't

6:41

get out of it. Then I felt like I was lying.

6:44

Then everything we were saying, I'm like, I

6:46

am telling the truth, but now I'm nervous.

6:49

And he's like, so you guys were just

6:51

you were pretending to drop pans on the

6:53

floor. And I'm like, this sounds insane. But

6:55

yeah, right, officer, we're fantastic actors. That's the

6:57

crime. We were so loud that we scared

7:00

people all for nothing on a Wednesday night

7:02

because we're idiots. And I

7:04

was like, I wonder what percentage of cops have

7:06

to deal with stuff where they get there and

7:08

they're like, this is all for nothing. Well, you

7:10

know, that was with the body cam. I was

7:13

like, if anyone reviews this footage, they'll

7:15

be like, what a sad man. Either way,

7:17

fuck your promo of you banging a glass doing

7:19

a bit. If you get that body cam footage,

7:21

that's your promo for fucking it. I was just

7:23

going to say, I should have started doing a

7:25

promo to the body cam. You got that. You'd

7:28

be like, I'm really sorry. I was just doing it for the Boston

7:31

Tickles on the 14th and eight and ten. Still

7:35

tech is available for you. If somebody could

7:37

pull that out, you know, you could actually pull

7:39

off fake body cam and have Luke come

7:41

to your door. And then as

7:43

you're, but I would never, never go soft on

7:46

it at the end where you let everybody know

7:48

like this is a silly joke. Do it actually

7:50

try to make it look real. Yeah, I get

7:52

arrested. Release it. I might not

7:54

make the show. All right.

7:56

Well, anyway, listen, we'd like to laugh here. Go

7:58

watch us on YouTube. Tell

8:00

people we love it. We live for

8:02

it. Keep emailing the show with problems This

8:05

is its own ecosystem guys, and we love every

8:07

minute of it Jake anything else. I

8:09

think that's a nice way to put in I

8:11

agree. It's become its own thing and we're nearing

8:13

a hundred Kevin. Can you tell the great people

8:15

what yeah, you're planning for a hundred I

8:18

am planning a very big livestream

8:20

featuring Jake Gareth and myself And

8:23

it's going to add salesmen dude, but I mean

8:25

honestly the name by the way We

8:29

got really big names literally I hosted

8:31

the producer and we hadn't talked about

8:33

having guests on it till now But

8:35

you really sold something to these people that

8:37

we were not playing Yeah, now

8:39

it shows that we don't have

8:42

guests special guest Gareth special guests

8:44

Jake and also me Featuring

8:47

from the podcast come on man Oh,

8:49

yeah, we are gonna do it live

8:55

Why did you doing we're gonna do it

8:57

a live stream? It's gonna

8:59

be long. We're gonna get a lot

9:01

of call. We'll have a cocktail or two We're

9:04

gonna let it rip and and it's introducing Kevin's

9:07

new home That's

9:09

right. Yeah, I call it the study

9:11

excited cuz he's ooh Hunk

9:14

with some chunk by then. He'll probably a little

9:16

less chunky without further ado, okay One

9:22

two three one two three is that all

9:24

right perfect? Okay, great. Hello. I'm again. Sorry

9:26

Kevin. Nice Kevin Hello, see you hunk of

9:28

the show. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah recently married

9:30

caller. Can you hear us? It's tough for me to hear

9:32

shit. I Had

9:35

to tell you that I saw you with the what's

9:37

your name routine slow down nice. He's called actually

9:39

I've got wedgie What's

9:41

your oh, that's your move? Yeah, and

9:44

now Kevin's throwing his wedding ring. Wow

9:46

Jesus Kevin through his shoulder Recently married

9:48

you got a old trick. My ass. He'll just ate my

9:50

granny pants She

9:55

sees erections down

9:58

or you see Kevin in your asshole goes like this Woooo! Wonderful!

10:01

Crank it! I need a bow!

10:03

Like a bow! All right, we're in.

10:06

All right, caller, are you there? Yes,

10:09

I am. Hello. Hello, can we

10:11

get your name, Ruffage, and where you're calling from,

10:13

please? Yes, my name is Woody,

10:15

and I'm 37. Your

10:18

name's Woody? And I'm calling from Alberta. Yeah,

10:20

Woody. Like, Woody Woodpecker. Woody, is this

10:22

the real name? I'm calling from Alberta, Canada. Is this the

10:24

real name? Oh, yeah. Yeah, I was

10:26

gonna say, if you're gonna come up with a pseudonym... Best name! Yeah,

10:29

truly. It's great. I wanted to say it

10:31

was real, but... Yeah, let's say it's real.

10:34

Okay. Well, Woody, listen.

10:36

We all support you and your

10:38

name. It sounds like a pseudonym. Listen, you

10:40

have Jake Johnson. You know him. You

10:42

have me, Gareth, obviously. But we have a very

10:45

special guest today. A guest helper. Oh, yes, Jake!

10:47

Yes! Our guest helper.

10:49

Well done, Jake. You know her

10:51

from The Good Place. She has

10:53

a podcast called Bad Dates. Please

10:56

welcome... Slow clap. Slow

10:58

clap! Slow clap! Slow

11:00

clap! Slow clap! Slow clap! We

11:02

have a special guest. We have a special

11:05

guest. We have a special guest. Hi, Woody.

11:07

Hi, Woody. Hi, Woody.

11:09

Hi, Woody. Hi, Woody. Hi, Woody. Hi,

11:12

Woody. Hello. And

11:16

we're about to get to it, but of all

11:18

fake names, why Woody? Because

11:21

I'm calling about my best friend and I decided

11:23

to call her Buzz. Oh,

11:25

okay. She did a toy story. Okay, I got

11:27

you. Okay. So Woody... Yeah,

11:29

I did a toy story thing. Respect, respect. I

11:32

was thinking you were doing a cheers thing. So

11:34

Woody, the floor is yours. You're in Alberta. You're

11:36

37 years old. Okay, well, here's why I'm calling.

11:39

My best friend Buzz is an

11:42

incredible lady. I love her so much. We've been best

11:44

friends for almost 19 years. She

11:47

just has one kind of thing that she always

11:49

does that I always tell her it's gross. She

11:51

always says, you're high strung, leave me alone. And

11:53

it just continues. But the other day I

11:56

had a breaking point. I got into her car and it's

11:58

full of used tissues. like naughty little

12:00

queen exes and they're in her cup

12:02

holders. There's one I can see hanging

12:04

out of her, out of her cute

12:07

little sweater pocket. They're everywhere. And I'm

12:09

just like, bud, can you move? Buzz

12:11

is an incredible lady. I love her

12:13

so much. We've been best friends for almost 19 years.

12:15

Um, she

12:17

just has one kind of thing that she

12:19

always does that I always tell her it's

12:21

gross. She always says, you're high strung, leave

12:23

me alone. And it just continues. But the

12:25

other day I had a breaking point. I

12:27

got into her car and it's full of

12:29

used tissues, like naughty little queen exes and

12:31

they're in her cup holders. There's one I

12:33

can see hanging out of her, out of

12:35

her cute little sweater pocket. They're everywhere. And

12:37

I'm just like, bud, can you move some

12:39

of these? So I can put my coffee

12:41

down and she moves them. And

12:43

then, you know, I'm just thinking that it's getting

12:45

bad. What are you wearing? Quick pause. This episode

12:47

is brought to you by Kleenex. It

12:50

is. We are quite literally sponsored. We just get

12:52

a quick accept. If you're going to litter your

12:54

car with... Don't do it with a regular... Do

12:57

it with Kleenex. Kleenex. There's nothing better to litter

12:59

your car with than Kleenex. Oh wait, wait, who

13:01

is the person who is... Buzz.

13:03

Her best friend, 19 years. Buzz, OK, Buzz's

13:05

best friend. 19 years

13:07

uses Kleenex all the time. A woman or

13:10

a man, because there's a very different uses

13:12

of Kleenex. She's a woman. She's a woman.

13:14

OK, OK. Does that help? That is better.

13:16

OK, I agree. It's slightly better. I agree.

13:18

I don't. Not necessarily, though. I'd

13:21

be more likely to swallow one than the other. Wait,

13:24

hold on. I'd love to see that contest.

13:26

Where is this happening, by the way? Welcome

13:29

to the first annual tissue swallow. Where do you

13:31

hold on one second? Do you know your

13:33

side? No, no, no. If

13:36

you... I actually would rather not swallow either. OK.

13:38

It's a gun to your head. You're going to

13:40

choose a woman tissue. I was just saying that

13:42

if we're going to normalize, like the initial instinct,

13:44

oh, no, all of my intrusive thoughts are happening.

13:46

Say them out loud. Say them out loud. OK,

13:49

if we're going to discuss the initial instinct, it's

13:51

like, ew, snot. Yes. But if it was jizz,

13:53

then you think, oh, that's worse. But then actually,

13:55

if you think about what people are willing to

13:57

swallow, then... They're

13:59

more likely, it's more likely to, I'm sorry. No,

14:02

that's actually a good point. No, stay obviously,

14:04

but I do think Kleenex has dropped as

14:06

a sponsor based on the last part of

14:08

the course. But the

14:11

idea if you had a male friend, hold on,

14:14

that filled his car with jizz Kleenex, and

14:16

your response to that is just, do you

14:18

mind moving it over a little bit? In

14:21

his scooch? The answer is no. If

14:23

I got in someone's car and there was jizz Kleenex,

14:26

you're an animal. How are you telling the difference? That's

14:28

the question. Loads us. Hardness.

14:31

Hardness. Yeah. So you're touching

14:33

the tissues. I'm touching them. I'm playing around in

14:35

them. It's a little bit of CSI tech. I'm making a

14:37

snow angel, a little jizz angel in them. So

14:40

Woody back. This one's jizz. So Woody, back

14:42

to you. You get in the car

14:44

with your friend Buzz. There's Kleenex

14:47

everywhere, full of snot.

14:49

Yeah. Keep going. Full

14:51

of snot. You guys have already given me

14:53

help by perspective, giving me perspective that it's

14:55

not jizz. Could have been worse. I'm already

14:57

happier. OK, sorry. OK, so

14:59

we have a friend with

15:02

a sinus problem. She blows her nose

15:04

a lot. It's Alberta. It's cold. It's

15:06

pretty cold. I mean, and I can relate,

15:08

right? And I understand the need to maybe

15:10

carry a tissue and dispose of it when

15:12

it gets full, I guess. But

15:14

the thing with my friend Buzz is she'll

15:17

use them until they're disintegrated. So we went

15:19

into the store, and she pulled up this

15:21

sad little Kleenex that was

15:23

begging to be thrown away. And she

15:26

wiped her nose. And I saw a really cute guy

15:28

checking her out, see if this happened, and then physically

15:30

shut her and turn the other way. And I was

15:32

like, as a single and

15:35

looking friend, I mean, should we just

15:37

maybe decide when we use our tiny

15:39

gross tissues? Do we maybe

15:41

just think of a time

15:43

that it's good to throw them out? Do they

15:45

have a use limit? Like, I'm not trying to not

15:48

shame her, but I also want to know if

15:50

I can help her maybe regulate this thing. So

15:52

hold on, Woody. There's a few different

15:54

problems that I'm hearing. OK.

15:57

Well, I mean, they're all the same problem. Yeah,

16:00

there's different there's different routes. There's different

16:02

routes is right. So she

16:05

uses a lot of clinics. She leaves

16:07

them in the car. That's a problem.

16:09

Two, she uses the same clinic so

16:11

often that they become little disgusting rags.

16:13

Go ahead. Do we think that this

16:15

is why she's repeatedly ill? Because she's

16:17

taking these old tissues that have old

16:19

bacteria on them and then shoving them

16:21

back up her nose. It's not just

16:24

giving like she's just having the same

16:26

cold for several years. Just do

16:28

you know what I mean? Yeah, that's a good

16:30

point. But oh, yeah, but then the third thing

16:32

is she's if she's a filthy woman. Yeah. But

16:35

the third thing is she's using them in front

16:37

of potential mates. By the way, can I just

16:39

say please, if you let's say you're attracted to

16:41

someone in the grocery store, you see them do

16:43

this. This throws you this makes you go no.

16:46

Yeah, me. I'd be no, not me. Really?

16:48

Yeah, I'd be like, not great. If anything,

16:50

I'd feel like I'm more especially interested. Yeah.

16:52

Well, I'm getting if I give you $5.

16:55

Can I get your old rags? Ew.

16:58

What? Ew. It's a good that came out

17:00

way too fast. It is because I've said

17:02

it. Because it's

17:05

the name of my memoir. It's a

17:07

podcast I do. It's what

17:09

can I buy your rags? Hey, can I buy

17:11

your rags for five bucks by Garrett Reynolds? I

17:13

don't know. I'm with you that it

17:15

shouldn't be a deal breaker. But hold on. It

17:17

should see someone using an old tissue. That might

17:20

be the only tissue they have available. They didn't

17:22

use their sleeve or their hand. Yeah.

17:25

I'm like, that's what someone had. Sometimes sometimes

17:27

we all have an old tissue on us.

17:29

Yeah. Yeah. If I saw someone buying toilet

17:31

paper, I wouldn't be like, oh, she poops.

17:33

No, but hold on. Hold

17:35

on. Hold on. You were just

17:37

talking. You're in a grocery store. You see

17:40

somebody. Let's say you're single. Yeah. You're looking

17:42

to mingle. OK. You go fucking hunk and

17:44

aisle four. Yeah. Yeah. Hunk sees you and

17:46

goes, babe, an aisle three. You pass each

17:48

other again. Yeah. You're doing whatever little moves

17:51

you do. The granny panties, wedgie move you

17:53

like. Yeah. He's doing whatever cool

17:55

moves he's doing. Pretending to lift up heavy stuff.

17:57

You guys are doing the dance. Yeah. You turn.

58:00

Have you guys ever seen that show? It's

58:03

like on out TV. It's called like naked

58:05

attraction. Yes, it's crazy So

58:09

we spent 45 minutes trying to figure

58:11

out how to watch it and then we finally

58:14

did Figure it out. We had to commit and

58:16

then we watched that show for like two hours

58:18

and that was what is naked attraction really? We'll

58:20

get back to this thing, but I like the title of that

58:22

show. What is okay? Well, I

58:25

mean Gareth might have a better idea things like

58:27

he watches it a lot, but It's

58:30

like naked people just come out. Well, no, you're

58:32

behind the screen and then they'll show you like

58:34

the bottom part and then they'll

58:36

keep taking like a panel off until you see

58:38

the person's face and then you Judge

58:41

who you want to go on a date

58:43

with by their body. It's graphic really Yes,

58:46

it's like on when the first

58:48

panel is removed. You are seeing a penis

58:51

or a vagina Yeah, wait, really? Yeah, and

58:53

then they just because I'm a man of

58:55

science what network streamers is on I'm just

58:57

a just curious. You said I'm mr. TV

59:00

guy. I'm mr. TV guy Out

59:10

TV It's

59:12

it's crazy and you basically like you start

59:14

removing the face The face is the last

59:17

thing you see and that's after

59:19

you pick who you want, right? Am I right? What

59:22

an embarrassing turn you pick somebody based off their

59:24

crotch and then you see their face and you're

59:26

like I'm excited to get Chipotle Still

59:31

excited still excited kind of It's

59:35

weird, it's definitely a show I've watched it be like

59:38

nope. Yeah But

59:40

yeah, you're seeing some stuff To

59:43

talk while they look at your dick. No, you

59:45

can't try to sell it Now

59:48

bring it up to the stage I was

59:50

just in a cold plunge Shut

59:53

up. Okay. So Emily do you

59:55

have any picks from this evening

59:57

anything that shows what the parties

59:59

vibe? But Jake can we also

1:00:02

say that video? Oh, yeah. Well,

1:00:04

we pitched a tremendous amount of

1:00:06

stuff and What happened

1:00:08

was she painted and then tried to

1:00:10

get her TV working for a half

1:00:12

hour and then what? And

1:00:15

Gareth that's what I call a victory for us. We

1:00:17

did it, baby. Okay, let's have a look

1:00:19

actually You know, I would

1:00:21

say at least six people got to fill

1:00:24

up the new boobs. So it is a victory.

1:00:26

It's fair. Absolutely There's

1:00:29

no audio so we'll describe what we're seeing here.

1:00:31

We don't need audio. We're seeing balloon boobs boobs

1:00:33

They look like eyeballs, but you know, they're boobs

1:00:36

There's a lot of them a lot of yep. A

1:00:38

lot of balloon boobs. Yep tons of them one

1:00:40

didn't have the nipple colored in Now

1:00:43

we're looking at the food which is

1:00:45

tit cookies We're

1:00:51

here to help lots of boobs lots

1:00:53

of boobs being painted and I do think I

1:00:55

saw a child Pictures

1:00:58

of boobs more pictures of boobs

1:01:00

pictures of boobs you guys holding up your boob art

1:01:03

Clearly you've painted And

1:01:06

there you go. That's it and you

1:01:08

didn't show us where you guys were trying to work

1:01:10

with the HDMI cables, which we appreciate well

1:01:13

Emily Congratulations

1:01:15

on the new breasts. I'm

1:01:18

glad you're happy the party seems like it was

1:01:20

a lot of fun You are

1:01:22

now in a new world and we

1:01:24

appreciate you calling in. Yep. Go

1:01:26

get them Hey everyone

1:01:29

this next chat with Jameela is

1:01:31

an edited conversation And

1:01:36

if you'd like to hear the full thing it's

1:01:38

available on the patreon Maybe

1:01:41

this line from Jake will entice you to check

1:01:43

it out. Enjoy Speaking

1:01:45

of masturbating while sinking on the Titanic. Yeah.

1:01:47

Yeah. I also read when you got the

1:01:50

good place You'd come out here to be

1:01:52

a writer How's that

1:01:54

transit because I've heard people like you

1:01:56

and we've always been actors comedians and

1:01:59

provisors How do you jump from

1:02:01

that and how hard is that transition? I

1:02:04

was a radio DJ, right? Okay, so let's just be

1:02:06

very clear. I was not a writer yet, nor was

1:02:08

I... I was a columnist, you know, that's all I

1:02:10

would write. But I was

1:02:13

not a screenwriter. I came out here with a

1:02:16

show that I was working on. I got signed

1:02:18

three arts based on that show. And

1:02:21

then... And this was gonna be... You were gonna

1:02:23

host it or was this... No, no, no, it was a

1:02:25

sitcom that I still have been sitting on for years

1:02:27

because I've... Analysis, paralysis. Like, I

1:02:29

don't know what to do with it, but I... But

1:02:31

you came out with this product. But I just

1:02:34

wrote it and presented it to

1:02:36

someone and they sent me three arts and three arts

1:02:38

really liked the idea. And then

1:02:40

the manager at the time was telling me that,

1:02:42

you know, it's easier once you have a profile

1:02:44

to get a show sold rather

1:02:47

than coming from nowhere, from England, having never

1:02:49

written anything before. Like, no one's gonna trust

1:02:51

you to be at the helm of

1:02:53

something like that. And then an

1:02:55

audition came in for an

1:02:57

annoying, overly tall Indian

1:03:00

English woman. And it just felt quite

1:03:03

obvious to my managers that that was me. And

1:03:07

so they pushed me to do the audition. I

1:03:09

didn't want to do the audition. I didn't think

1:03:11

I was gonna be an actor. I didn't think

1:03:13

I was funny enough. You didn't

1:03:15

want to do it because you thought it's just

1:03:17

not for... No, I just have such respect for

1:03:20

acting. And I love movies and TV and comedy

1:03:22

so much. So I was like, how dare I

1:03:24

do this? Even

1:03:27

think I could do this? And I

1:03:29

went to the audition and I fucked

1:03:31

everyone and I got the job. Good work.

1:03:33

So you did have the... Hi, welcome to my St.

1:03:35

Pathetic New Girl. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's the only way

1:03:38

in. You're playing

1:03:40

Schmitty? Yeah. Come on in. Yeah.

1:03:43

La Mornja. Come on in. And then they go, you

1:03:45

know, other actors don't cast it. I'm like, you fucking

1:03:48

rasp. Oh, God, Coaches did all that for

1:03:50

nothing. La Mornja didn't even cast it. No,

1:03:52

La Mornja came on the show after you. Well,

1:03:54

this doesn't even make sense. Well, now my decisions

1:03:57

seem crazy. Now I seem awed.

1:03:59

Now it's... like a myth. I don't

1:04:01

really have any transitions that are thoughtful.

1:04:03

I've just been like jumping through life.

1:04:06

I've just been running for my life. Well now

1:04:08

you really. That's what's happened is that I really

1:04:10

have like I was an English teacher who got

1:04:13

scouted and went to an audition and then got

1:04:15

the like one of the biggest jobs in British

1:04:17

television hosting the big like the biggest teen youth

1:04:19

programming. It was kind of like TRL but after

1:04:22

the weekend. And I came out from being an

1:04:24

English teacher and like a model scout

1:04:27

and I was like painting decorating and worked in

1:04:29

a video I had so many jobs in

1:04:32

that period in which I got you know introduced

1:04:34

to the idea of media. I had never dreamed

1:04:36

of being on TV. I'd never thought that was

1:04:38

like a life for me. I only went to

1:04:40

the audition because they had free sandwiches that were

1:04:43

from prep which was a very big deal. Yeah.

1:04:45

15 years ago. Still is. Yeah. But 15 years

1:04:47

ago that was it was so her house.

1:04:49

Bougie. Yeah. So I never

1:04:53

thought I would get anything. So since I've

1:04:55

been allowed in I've compared this before on

1:04:57

my podcast to being a

1:04:59

wedding crasher and just like I'm in

1:05:02

here now. I'm just gonna steal all

1:05:04

the shit that I can before someone recognizes

1:05:06

me and throws me out. And so I've

1:05:08

just been running for my life being like

1:05:10

sure I'll try radio. Sure I'll try writing

1:05:12

this. Sure I'll do this. Yeah okay I'll

1:05:15

try acting. And now we're a great actor.

1:05:17

As the wedding crasher you have to leave the wedding

1:05:19

which is never how you think it will go. Yeah.

1:05:21

You're gonna go fuck off. I know I'm

1:05:23

just taking a little break just to kind

1:05:25

of recalibrate and write. I love the

1:05:27

idea that a manager tells you the move to get

1:05:29

your script through is to get famous because I think

1:05:31

that advice came to me too but the hard part

1:05:34

was you know the part. I agree. Yeah. Sounds like

1:05:36

a great plan. They wanted

1:05:38

to bring bigger writers on and I didn't want

1:05:40

anyone else to touch the idea. Right. If you

1:05:42

want the power to not have a bigger name

1:05:44

become the bigger name. And I didn't

1:05:47

know how I was gonna do that. I thought maybe I'd

1:05:49

do that by hosting because that's what I'd done in England.

1:05:51

But then the good place came along and. Which you're great

1:05:53

at. Yeah. Thank you. It's a great show.

1:05:55

Yeah. And how was that experience for you

1:05:57

then with no acting experience because that's a

1:05:59

killer. I was so intimidating. They

1:06:01

are so fucking talented and funny. I

1:06:05

had honestly severe gas

1:06:07

and that's how I got through. Is that true? That

1:06:09

is true. Well, because you went

1:06:12

like this when you started talking about it.

1:06:14

I have like a somatic memory of it.

1:06:16

It was incredibly intimidating and obviously they are

1:06:18

all such geniuses and it was such a

1:06:20

masterclass, but I had never been, you know,

1:06:22

spent time in America before. I was straight

1:06:24

off the boat from England and I had

1:06:26

an English constitution. Modern food

1:06:29

is made of pure poison and evil.

1:06:32

But it's delicious. Just got to get used to

1:06:34

it. Yeah. So I hadn't gotten

1:06:36

used to it yet and I was eating everything

1:06:38

they had at craft services. I gained a minimum

1:06:41

of 15 pounds every season. I

1:06:43

would have to wear all my

1:06:45

clothes completely open at the back. Like

1:06:48

an apron, like a penny. And

1:06:50

so it was just like, yeah, just ass out.

1:06:53

So I could never do like running scenes

1:06:56

from behind. I just have to do everything

1:06:58

mostly upfront. So I was just farting.

1:07:02

Really? The whole time. There

1:07:04

is specific scenes in which

1:07:07

I can see I'm farting.

1:07:11

There's no one else can see it, but I can see.

1:07:14

Your producer wants me to leave. Hold on. What's

1:07:16

a big scene that you remember? Okay. So

1:07:18

I don't know the exact scene. It's season one. I'm

1:07:20

walking in to, you can

1:07:23

play this actually when it's happening, but

1:07:25

it's season one. I walk into my

1:07:28

living room and Gianyu, my partner

1:07:30

is there and he's made a painting of

1:07:32

me and it's three me's in the painting. And

1:07:34

I'm supposed to walk in and have a big

1:07:37

reaction to it. And I did,

1:07:39

but I'm supposed to walk in just

1:07:41

like one line, but I have to

1:07:43

keep stopping and clenching. And Mike

1:07:45

Shaw's like, stop stopping. Just like we don't

1:07:47

have time. Just like, just walk in a

1:07:50

straight line up to the painting. And I

1:07:52

was like, I just think for dramatic purposes,

1:07:54

it would be more effective if I were

1:07:56

to stop. Stop farting. Stop farting. And

1:07:59

it's because Kristen Bell's. so small that

1:08:01

she's actually closer to my bumhole than

1:08:03

I am. Well, yeah. That's

1:08:06

just science. Yeah. So, I think

1:08:08

it's physics or something, but it's, you know,

1:08:10

so she's there and I'm up here. So,

1:08:13

I'm like, it's going to hit her before it hits me. And

1:08:15

so, at the very least, I need to take that hit first.

1:08:18

Number one, I call, she can't get

1:08:20

there. She's an icon. I can't

1:08:23

fart there. No, no, no. Kristen Bell.

1:08:25

I had to keep stopping. They

1:08:27

had to do like 105 takes until

1:08:29

I finally was able to just walk in. So,

1:08:32

that's one. And the other

1:08:34

one. This is about the weirdest story. Sorry. It's

1:08:37

a grape behind the beam. You know what it

1:08:39

did? What it did is. It smelled the place.

1:08:41

It meant that my fear was

1:08:43

directed there to my bum

1:08:46

rather than to my talent.

1:08:48

So, I wasn't thinking about whether I was

1:08:50

talented or not. I was thinking, did

1:08:52

anyone smell that? It

1:08:55

was completely brilliant because then it meant

1:08:58

that I was totally, totally loose as

1:09:00

an actor. I was so uninhibited in

1:09:02

that role. I took so many shots

1:09:05

that I would never have taken. Yeah,

1:09:07

because I wasn't thinking about it. I

1:09:09

didn't overthink anything. So, I think IBS

1:09:12

is underrated or whatever it was that

1:09:14

happened to me. It was some sort of

1:09:16

gastric issue. IBS also a sponsor. Yeah, we

1:09:18

love to have them too. We

1:09:20

have them. Yeah, we have. It's

1:09:22

a really weird sponsor. It's super weird. It's a

1:09:24

disease, it's a sponsor. Yeah. But

1:09:26

I think just have something worse going on and

1:09:28

then you'll be able to act. You make

1:09:31

100% of the farts you do. Yes.

1:09:34

Yeah, right. That's good. 100% of

1:09:36

the farts. That's great. And then,

1:09:38

did anyone know you were doing this on

1:09:41

set? No, nobody. Okay. No.

1:09:43

Yeah, extraordinary. Yeah, no. I

1:09:46

mean, they heard about it sometimes. I

1:09:48

think people thought I was quite unfriendly because I

1:09:50

spent a lot of time away from the cast.

1:09:53

Is this real? No, genuinely. No. Sometimes

1:09:56

they would, but I was just, I was standing back. Afraid you'd

1:09:58

drag and tear. Wait, hold on. back

1:10:00

from the cast. I don't know what's real now. No, I'm

1:10:02

serious. So I would just hang back from you. You did.

1:10:04

So you didn't say you didn't. So all this British

1:10:06

girl like we get it. She's too good for us.

1:10:08

And I was like, I'm sure

1:10:11

she should her pants. That's why she's over there.

1:10:14

You're saying the reason you didn't socialize with

1:10:16

the. Just he's in one. And then I

1:10:18

got. OK, I, I, I, I, I,

1:10:21

what do you call it when you stop?

1:10:23

For calibrate. Oh, you have. Right. OK,

1:10:25

sorry. Like, you know, I adjusted

1:10:28

to American food. And I was fine.

1:10:30

OK. I will never look at

1:10:32

the shy cast member the same way.

1:10:34

Yeah. Just the whole of the whole of

1:10:36

season one. My assholes open. Just know that

1:10:38

anyone who's watching. So anybody check out the

1:10:40

good place season one. And you've got some fun

1:10:43

behind the scenes. Yeah. If I look like

1:10:45

I'm really intense, it's not talent.

1:10:47

And lastly, before we let you go. God, imagine

1:10:49

if that's the last thing I talk about before

1:10:51

I leave. Well,

1:10:53

it's just like you to drop something like that and take

1:10:56

off. I don't feel like I've

1:10:58

aged since I've been here because I'm so full

1:11:00

of preservatives. I'm not sure that I'm

1:11:02

going to decompose when I die. Well, let's see what happens

1:11:04

in eight months when you come back and like

1:11:06

a 90 year old lady and go, I'll take

1:11:08

the work now. And we go too late. Were

1:11:10

there any scripts that were sent? Oh, hey, fuck

1:11:13

happened. Where was that babe who left it

1:11:15

months ago farting up a storm? Farting. We

1:11:17

need to get her farting. Fill her

1:11:19

up. I think that's the key to my talent. This

1:11:22

is quite a revelation. Listen, the key

1:11:24

to America. Well, gas.

1:11:26

Yeah. We appreciate you coming on

1:11:29

the show. I had such a nice time. It's really

1:11:31

nice to meet you. Everything I said. No, you were

1:11:33

great. Good luck on the road. We'll see

1:11:35

you back in three months. See you then. Yeah. We're

1:11:41

here to help is hosted by Jake Johnson

1:11:43

and Gareth Reynolds. The show is produced and

1:11:46

edited by Kevin Bartelt and the associate producer

1:11:48

and editor is AJ McKee. Our social media

1:11:50

director is Caitlin Tonwaukio and our video editor

1:11:52

is John DeBruhe. The theme song is made

1:11:55

by Oliver Raleigh. And you can check out

1:11:57

his music at oliverrolly.com.