0:16

Hey Katie! hi, how are you

0:18

Ah I have a new neighbor

0:20

who plays acoustic guitar and sings

0:23

along with it with his girlfriend.

0:25

some terrible i'm actually fucking. Terrible

0:27

was. Suicidal I

0:29

would say my summers were. His

0:32

covers originals both.

0:34

Wow. Yeah. Likely.

0:37

Is you like some move? The A

0:39

wrote the song for you to nip.

0:42

In yes, they did, paved paradise and put up a

0:44

parking lot of that. I'm going to. Murder you

0:46

in your sleep. She took the.

0:49

How are you. Ah, I'm

0:52

I'm doing like

0:54

fear.com. O So

0:56

really shitty you take. A super

0:58

fucking look super target where you

1:00

can. See what I can wear?

1:03

Three which will just give his out of the

1:05

way run or wherever. We got a review. From

1:08

Sirene. Dash. Six

1:10

Zero. Six Six Six. got it.

1:13

They say always wet, always aware.

1:15

Five stars. Okay, This

1:17

show is nothing like peeing Sue. Proof

1:21

I'm not going to cover,

1:23

I'm just going to start

1:25

over. This show is nothing

1:27

like being saw paper. Raul

1:29

Dogged and enjoyable ride that

1:31

brings me joy each week.

1:33

Thank y'all for many years

1:35

of laughs. I'm. Happy to be

1:37

the opposite of that. I'm happy to be any other

1:39

of the spectrum. To not be

1:41

saw paper Ronaldo. Was

1:44

always wet reference. Because

1:47

it's not like being sandpaper rada Our.

1:49

I were always were like. Always

1:51

where I always read. I. Heard

1:53

that means you have a disease. Never

1:56

forget Bench of your. ex wife or

1:58

ip kicked her R.I.P. to

2:00

her poor, raw, cheap

2:04

vagina. So

2:06

thank you, Cyrene 60666. Thank

2:08

you so much. Okay, I want to say something.

2:11

And you can tell me if maybe this is

2:13

a good idea. I've

2:15

been thinking that perhaps I should retire from picking

2:17

movies. Why? Because

2:19

I think I had this confused with The Net

2:21

with Ginger Boyk. Not

2:25

to scarecrow this thing, but I was like,

2:27

this is not the movie that I thought

2:29

it was. Like when are they

2:31

going to erase her identity and stuff? But

2:34

that was Handy Bullock. And that

2:36

was The Net. And not Stephen

2:38

Dorfington? I mean, I thought he

2:41

was in it too. Okay. I think I thought they

2:43

were the same movie. Not

2:45

famed British actress Natasha McElhone.

2:48

Were there no American women

2:50

available for the making of this film? I

2:53

know it was made in like Luxembourg or something,

2:55

but like... They were like, we need

2:57

a Meryl Streep type. Uh,

3:00

squeezing? She's

3:02

got Meryl Streep vibes. What? You

3:05

don't think? No! And then

3:07

she's got Meryl Streep vibes. Psycho. I'm

3:11

going to have to drink this beer to think about what you

3:13

just said. In

3:16

just physical appearance, she's got a Meryl Streepiness

3:18

to her. No, but

3:20

go on. That's fine. Uh,

3:22

yeah, no, that's all I have. No. She is

3:24

holding onto that accent for dear life. Sure, but

3:26

so is Stephen Dorf, and it's his accent. He's

3:29

an American, isn't he? Or is he

3:31

Canadian? He's Canadian. I'm

3:34

glad all these immigrants. No,

3:38

this movie wasn't even made in America. I'm just being

3:40

an absolute piece of shit. Also,

3:42

I like immigrants. Some of my best friends are immigrants.

3:46

I got no problem with immigrants. How

3:48

do you feel about the production company MDP

3:50

Worldwide, which sounds like they made this movie

3:52

and no other movie, and it's a drug

3:54

front? Yeah, MDP means

3:56

like major drug parties. Major

3:58

drug parties. This

4:02

was directed by the director of Haunting a Phil House.

4:04

If you recall. The original? Fomka

4:07

Johnson. Johnson, whatever her

4:09

fucking name is. Fomka Jansen? Fom

4:11

Fanky Jansen. Oh brother. Oh man,

4:13

oh man. So I fucked up.

4:15

Again. What are you talking about? Every

4:17

time I pick a movie it's like,

4:19

oops. I'm

4:22

sorry, did you pick a movie that we're going to make

4:24

fun of for a comedy podcast? I mean yeah, let's do

4:27

it. Didn't fuck up? Didn't fuck up. No.

4:30

It's really long too. It is

4:32

painfully long and especially with commercial

4:35

breaks on Free V. Free

4:37

V. Free V does a thing where

4:39

they don't pause before going into the commercial so

4:41

like you might be glancing down to take notes

4:43

and suddenly you're watching a Peloton ad? Why

4:46

is it so bouncy? I got at least

4:48

13 mac and cheese

4:50

ads of like, that's fucking rude

4:53

and also, what? I

4:55

didn't get a single mac and cheese ad.

4:57

I got Peloton and I got

4:59

the guy from The Hangover trying

5:01

to sell me toilet paper. You

5:05

know that guy, the funny guy? Zach Galifianakis?

5:08

No. Ken Chong. Oh, Ken Chong?

5:10

Ken Chong. Yeah. Selling

5:13

Charmin? I was like, what happened to

5:15

your career? Also just get a bidet you fucking

5:17

losers. Set

5:21

your game up. Truly it'll change your life.

5:23

There was one Kraft macaroni and cheese ad

5:25

that was like, it was the elbow macaroni

5:27

noodle was large upon the screen and this

5:29

little sad man with like an umbrella and

5:31

a rain cloud walked in and then slid

5:33

through the macaroni and came out the other

5:35

side in a rainbow and I was like,

5:37

yeah, that macaroni's not drugs, dog. No. It's

5:40

not gonna fix me. Also, I like that the

5:42

message of that was eat your feelings. Meanwhile,

5:46

I'm getting a Peloton ad with some really fit

5:48

lady being like, get the fuck up and

5:50

do it. What? I'm

5:52

trying to watch fear.com. Anyway

5:55

fear.com. So this

5:58

movie starts off with the worst title

6:00

sequence ever. Tell me about it. It's nothing and then

6:02

it just goes for your.com. Yeah, I love

6:04

that actually. That's nice and to the point.

6:08

18 point Helvetica at the bottom of

6:10

the screen. It's very succinct. Yeah. And

6:14

then Udo Kir is going into what

6:16

I thought was a really wet library.

6:18

Yeah, it's very, very wet. Very, very wet.

6:21

He's like wiping the rain off his face and then looking

6:23

at his hand like he's surprised to see it.

6:27

Where did you come from? Yeah, it's like a

6:29

long- We're carrying you in. Fucking raining. We

6:31

have like an overhead light, a subway,

6:33

the rain, a ball bouncing

6:35

by itself and a little

6:38

blonde girl. Like give me that

6:40

horror ambiance. I just referred

6:42

to her as tiny Aunt Anya Taylor Joy

6:44

the entire time. Tiny Anya

6:47

Taylor Joy. So

6:49

pale. So pale and what

6:51

a bad wig. Hi dude. So she's

6:54

bouncing the ball like on the third

6:56

rail. I

6:59

mean like this is a vap, this is a vap. Yeah.

7:02

And Udo Kir is like, oh no, I'm

7:05

in this movie. I fucked up. Why

7:07

will I be billed fourth? I

7:12

don't even have any dialogue. This movie is

7:14

so dark. Like shot so

7:16

dark. Okay, so I had seen this movie before. I

7:21

remember renting it from the blockbuster in

7:24

college. Sure, cause it's nothing but a blockbuster. And

7:26

what? Yes, watching it and being

7:28

like, I literally can't see anything. Oh

7:30

my God, on VHS it would be a beautiful.

7:33

On like a tube TV, you know? So

7:37

in this I could see more this time. You

7:40

can't tell if his nose is bleeding or

7:42

he just has a big hunk and mole

7:44

on his lip. I love that a lot. Yeah, or

7:46

if he was- Love that a lot. So

7:48

the other night I was eating an ice

7:50

cream sandwich to have chocolate chips on it.

7:52

Oh, where'd you get it? From Trader Joe's,

7:55

a little pre-packaged. Oh, okay, not a Leona's

7:57

or something good. Nothing great. Nothing fancy. No,

7:59

no, this was- It was just like... It's

8:01

a weekday, I checked. Yeah, I had

8:03

a fix that

8:05

I needed and this was here for me. You had a feeling

8:07

you needed to eat. Next morning I wake up

8:09

and I'm like, oh, what the fuck? Oh, there's a chocolate chip in my

8:12

beard. And that's what Udo Kir

8:14

was drinking in the room with just a little

8:16

chocolate chip under a schnozzle of... Did you not

8:18

brush your teeth before bed? Sure. Did

8:20

you not see it there in your beard? Okay. Brushing

8:23

your teeth with no glasses on. My beard is so white, it's

8:25

hard to see the chocolate chips today. That makes sense.

8:28

Perfect sense. He jumps

8:30

down to try to save this child. After

8:33

seeing her down there for a while.

8:36

A long while. And hearing the train

8:38

going, for a while. A long while.

8:40

And then goes, oh no! Get

8:42

off those tracks, you silly dickhead. And he does not

8:45

jump down there. He tumbles down

8:47

there. He tumbles! He like waves down

8:49

and rolls into the subway. The

8:51

train is coming, the girl is gone, he

8:53

gets into a little alcove that will prevent

8:55

the train from hitting him. And

8:58

then the train is coming and he goes, fuck

9:00

this. He jumps out in front of

9:02

it? And the train

9:04

doesn't break. It's just honking its horn,

9:06

it's like I can't possibly stop for

9:08

you, mister. Question. Is that a

9:10

ghost train? Because when Steven Dorff

9:13

finds the body, he's like, well he doesn't

9:15

look like he got hit by a

9:17

train or something like that. Yeah, he can't

9:19

understand why the man looks terrified and I want to be like,

9:21

but he got hit by a train. He got hit by a

9:23

fucking train. Like you'd be terrified too, Steven Dorff. I would be

9:25

screaming into that train. Yeah. There's

9:27

no vape powerful enough to stop you

9:29

from being stunned

9:32

by this train situation. You know what I like

9:34

about Steven Dorff? Yeah. Still

9:36

looks like he did in the gate in a lot of ways.

9:39

Sure. And he still does that sort

9:41

of hunchie shoulder thing that I found very cute

9:43

as a little kid in the gate. Yeah. Not

9:46

that fucking movie. Yeah. He's very tiny.

9:48

He's very tiny and very much not a good

9:50

actor. I mean, he didn't get a

9:52

whole lot of rolls. Shots fired. Take

9:56

a sound, Dorff. There's also when

9:58

the train goes by because it hit hits him but doesn't

10:00

smush him, it sort of hits him and bops him out

10:02

of the way. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then

10:04

he sees like visions of a face or something

10:07

on the fucking drain. Alan, I'm sorry. Like

10:09

CGI visions of a face. Yeah,

10:11

for a movie about bad computers, they

10:13

sure use computers a lot to make things. A

10:16

movie about bad computers that barely has any computers

10:18

in it. I mean, I feel like this is

10:21

a very millennium

10:24

concern, you know? Like this

10:27

came out immediately post 9-11. This

10:31

was made immediately post 9-11. I feel like

10:33

we were living in a more fearful world. There

10:35

was like danger lurking around every corner. I

10:38

don't know. We had stopped experiencing the will-let-ium

10:40

that we thought we were all promised. I mean,

10:42

I was ready to go to Miami. Exactly.

10:45

And be welcomed. No, no, no, no, no, no, no,

10:48

no. Let's get jiggy with it. It's fine. They're

10:50

all the same. They're always the same and they're all bangers. Oh yeah,

10:52

yeah, yeah, yeah. Just like that's like for sale records. Well,

10:55

except for Wild Wild West. I like that song. No,

10:58

come on now. Fine. It's the

11:00

same as the others. You cannot be angry at it. So yeah, Stephen

11:02

Torfin. Wait, wait. Before we meet

11:04

Stephen Torfin, we meet... Oh yeah.

11:07

We meet... Terry Houston? Terry Houston,

11:09

who is so American. Her first

11:12

line is, thanks, bingy. And you're

11:14

like, you are fucking... No,

11:16

you're not. You're not. You're not. You're

11:18

not. You're not. You're

11:21

not. You're not. You're not.

11:23

You're not. You're not even doing it.

11:26

Here's the thing. Yeah. As

11:28

a filmgoer. Sure. I can

11:30

accept that people from other parts of

11:32

the world have moved to

11:34

different locales. Yeah. So

11:37

like having a British person who

11:39

was a forensic doctor in New

11:42

York City, one of the biggest cities in

11:44

this country. Would not surprise me one leg.

11:47

Wait, they let British people into New York now? Oh yeah,

11:49

yeah, yeah. Oh. You

11:52

talked over that whole revolution. Yeah, I wouldn't have bought

11:54

it. They

11:57

let British people go to college now? That's not

11:59

right. Wow. Wow. Speaking

12:02

of, can I quickly give a shout out to

12:04

the Irish? No. Frankly.

12:07

Have you been following the story of the

12:09

portal that's in New York City? The Dublin

12:11

to New York City. Yeah, that got shut down because people were

12:13

mooning it and showing their titties to it. Oh my god, did

12:15

you see that woman showing her titties to it? I love that. Yeah,

12:18

little bummed about that because she's actually like an

12:20

OnlyFans model and she was basically doing it to

12:22

get clicks. Oh, I would have done

12:24

it for the joy of showing those Irish dudes my tits. Exactly.

12:27

That's why you take your tits out. Although, you

12:29

know what? Take your tits out for money. Who cares? The

12:32

idea of just like, but like an un-commodified titty.

12:34

This is a different animal. We need

12:36

a pure titty viewing in this world.

12:38

Untouched by capitalism. Untouched by capitalism. No

12:41

one has ever paid me to see my tits and that's

12:43

a fucking shame. That's also not true. I'm

12:46

going to go

12:48

right by that. No, I'm going

12:50

to tell you about it. Once I ran the length of

12:52

Margaret Morrison Drive wearing nothing but a pirate hat and a

12:54

pair of Chuck Taylor's. Oh, wait. Oh, you've said

12:56

so on the podcast before. I'm screaming pit rules, motherfuckers. Listen, there's

12:59

500 episodes. They've not heard and not

13:01

everyone has heard this story. How

13:04

much did you get paid? That's

13:06

amazing. Paid my rent that month. Yeah, that's fantastic.

13:09

My rent was like $250 because it was old Pittsburgh. So

13:13

people were like mooning the camera. Also, some girl was like, you're

13:15

fat. I was like, I'm funny. That's

13:18

the thing. Go

13:20

on. So

13:22

people were like mooning the camera

13:25

and stuff and then the people

13:27

in Dublin started holding up their

13:29

phones and showing up to the

13:31

webcam and showing videos of 9-11.

13:35

I didn't know that. You

13:38

were guys then decided the Irish

13:40

are the greatest shit talkers on the

13:42

planet. That may well be true. But

13:45

I mean, like, we're like, here's some tits and they're

13:47

like, here's the greatest terror attack that ever happened in

13:49

your country. Not greatest. I mean, largest. Well,

13:52

that wasn't great. Anyway, I don't know. No, number

13:54

one. Because like I was getting I was

13:58

like, man, why are you doing that? when

14:00

Queen Elizabeth died, and there's all those

14:02

videos of people at like soccer stadiums

14:04

chanting Lizzies in a box. Oh my

14:07

God. No, fuck her.

14:09

I mean, it's just- No, fuck the English I've done

14:11

to the Irish. Oh no, sure. I just

14:13

didn't know that that happened. So they're just like, Irish

14:16

people, shout out. You're the best

14:18

shit talkers on the planet earth. You did it. It's

14:20

amazing. Congrats. I like cried laughing

14:22

about the 9-11 videos. Just

14:25

like, oh yeah? Oh, you want

14:27

to go there? All right, here we go. They

14:30

just showed them some tits. Not showing them dying on

14:33

the side of the road of grass in their mouths.

14:35

It was pre-titties. Okay. I

14:38

think titties was the final straw. She

14:41

broke it. She broke it. Okay,

14:43

but really what happens here is that this British

14:45

woman who's holding onto an American accent with all

14:47

of her being, wakes up and screams at

14:49

like a very fluffy orange cat. And it's like, is

14:51

that not her cat? Not a cat

14:53

kitty. She's talking about Benny. I'm talking about Benny. I wish

14:56

we'd gotten to spend more time with Benny. Benny put

14:58

a mouse in her shoe, but not just in her

15:00

shoe tucked all the way up in the toe. Yeah.

15:03

In her slipper. Yeah, and she picks up with her bare hand.

15:05

Yeah, what are you going to do with it? Pick up

15:07

the shoe and dump it into the trash can

15:10

like a regular-ass person. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

15:14

So we're back to the subway, and this is when

15:16

we get Steven Dorff being shocked at this man being

15:18

hit by a train, and he's shocked by the shock

15:20

on the man's face. So much shock going on. Do

15:22

people look that way when they die when

15:24

they're scared? Did your face feel like that? I

15:26

think in a post-Ring movie world,

15:29

they do. Gotcha. So what

15:31

this movie presupposes is that you've seen the ring. Wait,

15:33

when does the ring come out? In

15:35

the 90s, the late 90s. Well,

15:38

the Japanese Ringoo. I'm going to say

15:40

that MDP Pictures has not seen the

15:42

Japanese ring, but go on. It's

15:45

like Ringoo 7 and

15:47

Dark City. They're

15:50

just like- I love Dark City. Oh, Dark City, Kiefer

15:52

Sutherland. It's like, it would take too

15:54

long to explain. Okay. It's a very

15:56

dark, wet movie, much like this very dark, wet

15:58

movie. And I'm sure the- the director of this film

16:00

was like, hmm, this is my David Fincher moment. I'm

16:03

gonna be David Fincher right now. He does not, he

16:05

does not Fincher this. The

16:08

man in the, who has been killed

16:10

is named Paula Dory, which

16:13

we will get many variations of throughout this

16:15

film. Udo

16:17

Kir. Yeah. Paula Dory. Paula

16:20

Dory. And then we get, I

16:22

got two fucking minutes of ads. Two

16:24

minutes. Yeah, oh no, every time there's an ad break, there's

16:26

two minutes of ads. Yeah. Yeah.

16:28

Come on, Freebie. It's not free if

16:31

you're selling me something. I clicked on the Roku

16:33

link to rent the movie because I was like, I

16:35

don't want the commercials. I'll spend the $2.99 in this

16:37

movie. Yeah. And

16:39

I still, it just went right to Freebie and I'm like, well,

16:41

I'm not going back. Well, I mean, here. At

16:43

this point, I'm not going back. Yeah. See,

16:46

yeah, and somebody was in the subway and I was

16:49

like, yeah, his eyes were already bleeding before he jumped

16:51

in. I was like, who notices this? Who could

16:53

see, I thought it was an abandoned

16:55

subway tunnel. Yeah. And.

16:59

Because it was so wet. You couldn't just

17:01

wait there. It was pouring. And

17:04

because I think it was a ghost train because it

17:06

didn't break. If

17:08

you have that much time to honk, you have that much time

17:10

to slow down. Oh yeah. Time to

17:12

lean, time to clean, time to honk, time to

17:15

scrunk. Time to scrunk.

17:18

So cut to some

17:21

dude in his apartment, arranging

17:23

a culty looking like images

17:26

on a table. Oh,

17:28

see, I thought they were just like detailed drawings

17:30

of anatomy on lined paper. Like those

17:32

didn't already exist. Like just Google them.

17:35

So many people have drawn anatomy. You

17:37

don't have to do it. But

17:39

go on. And then he goes to a

17:41

website called Distressed Furniture. Which never comes back.

17:43

Never comes back. I don't know what that

17:45

means. No. Then I thought, is this

17:47

poor man? Was he just trying to buy like a dresser? I'm

17:52

just looking for something from my porch. Just looking

17:54

for something, just looking for a glider. Just want

17:56

to put somewhere I can put my feet up.

17:58

I've been watching a lot. American Pickers

18:00

Doesn't seem like a girl of the

18:03

true lane for there was a snuff

18:05

website the. As you click on live

18:07

show, click on subscribe and then I

18:09

just imagined this happening. In a modern

18:11

world, something or some bozo being like.

18:14

Say die as like and

18:16

subscribe. Has to

18:18

do Need needed deodorants because are Dicks most

18:20

terrible? Here's some dude or for your terrible

18:22

smell dear. Kinda hard like you

18:24

used to were you? When I

18:27

subscribed to on Reddit there were

18:29

getting these ads were like mom

18:31

is. Why am I getting dick

18:33

hard. As because the her pervert

18:36

whose lives are among read it

18:38

and and remember going to post

18:40

breastfeeding success. Success.

18:44

And. I like the that's the

18:46

default Not that this. Woman is a mom. My.

18:51

Mom was a good hard like I used

18:53

to own all the doesn't harm is breastfeeding

18:55

so or was are you going are like

18:58

as you soups and or i smells like

19:00

Girl Scout cookies from native Thank you native.

19:03

Really is it's. Perverted

19:07

thing I've ever heard over the

19:09

wizards. It is not like sin as you can get

19:11

the fuck outta. Here get beds. The

19:14

definite didn't go to go

19:16

anyway. we're never going to

19:18

get through this movie. are

19:20

waiting for someone who smokes

19:22

him as smooth smooth cases it's

19:24

it's analysis of as it's

19:26

first her new ham physicists

19:28

I do often flew box

19:30

shortbread pseudo say i cannot sell

19:32

a cup of tea tinfoil

19:34

this isn't. So

19:39

dwarf as a top and his

19:41

buddy cop is. Jeffrey

19:44

Combs. Oh. My. God. That's

19:46

who that is. Ah

19:49

city see them in so many movies

19:51

in eleven liked any of number. Synthesis

19:56

Seafood. Of

19:58

his movies. He's just

20:01

bananas. So,

20:03

Stephen Dorff is looking at photos of a lady, who

20:06

is this lady, we don't know, but we will find out.

20:08

Yeah. He's reading a letter, a handwritten

20:10

letter from the doctor, who is a serial killer

20:13

who's been taunting him. And when he was in

20:15

the sub, when Udo Kirch goes in the subway initially,

20:17

there is big graffiti that says, Dr. Gogol. Oh,

20:20

really? On the wall. And I was like,

20:22

is this, are they giving a hat tip to

20:24

Gogol the Russian writer from

20:27

the 18th century who wrote like

20:30

fantasy and like folklore

20:32

stories? What? Is that

20:34

what's happening right now? Can you believe that to be

20:36

true? I don't know what I

20:38

believe anymore. I don't know what to believe anymore

20:41

either. So,

20:43

yeah, he's looking at these pictures. He's got the handwritten

20:45

note from the doctor. Here I

20:47

have a note that says, am I wrong or is

20:49

Stephen Dorff kind of cute? Oh, no, he's

20:52

kind of cute. For sure. Here's the

20:54

problem with Stephen Dorff. Yeah. Real cute from the

20:56

side profile. Sure. Straight on. Not

20:59

so much. Here, I have a theory about Stephen

21:01

Dorff. I'm ready to hear your Stephen Dorff theory.

21:04

That he is when you can't get an Ethan

21:06

Hawke. You're like, you know what I got? Dorff

21:08

baby. Stephen Dorff, right in my back pocket here.

21:10

Dorff baby. I think they got a vibe. I

21:12

think they got a vibe. Yeah. Yeah.

21:15

Okay. He appears to be the boss around here. Or

21:18

something. Or something. Or the only person working

21:20

in this precinct. Well, because this kid

21:22

comes in with bloody eyes screaming in German.

21:26

And there are a million cops restraining

21:28

him. Yeah. Stephen Dorff is telling them all

21:30

what to do. And I just feel like he doesn't have that kind of authority.

21:32

That vibe, don't they? No, no, no. You go, nah,

21:34

I'm not going to do that. Stephen Dorff. Yeah, you

21:36

know, fuck you, Stephen Dorff. And

21:42

immediately, like, Stephen Dorff's

21:44

like, Jeffrey Combs, let's go. Yeah,

21:46

they're going to go to this kid's apartment. But I'm

21:48

like, you didn't say where they were going? Why

21:50

are they going? No, the one cop

21:52

finds the kid's wallet and tells him the address.

21:54

And he's like, we got to get there. Why

21:56

would you go there? He's here. Yeah, exactly. Get

21:59

a translator. He's speaking German.

22:01

It's not a dead language. Someone

22:03

in this building speaks German. Every

22:06

time someone comes to the drunk tank they're like, go

22:08

to his house! He also calls

22:10

the kid Sid Vicious because

22:12

he's a cop and he

22:15

has to be like quippy.

22:17

And the kid's a punk rocker.

22:19

He's a little bit of a punk

22:21

rocker. But he's also German so it might

22:23

just be that. It's like

22:26

a punk culture. So

22:30

they let themselves into his apartment? You don't even know where to

22:32

fuck it. No, he came into the police station

22:34

which means he came to your house. See?

22:38

It's like how Jesus comes to your house after you go to

22:40

church. Wait, what? Did you go out in my house? No,

22:44

no. Did you ever go to church? Yeah. Yeah,

22:46

you've been in his house. Oh fuck. Jesus,

22:48

get out. I'm trying

22:50

to masturbate and watch Broken Wood Mysteries. Come on.

22:54

Well, I was just wondering if you had a rectile

22:56

dysfunction showing up. Jesus, I can't get hard like I used to.

23:00

Well, your dick's most terrible too. Maybe that's

23:02

why. Is this

23:04

funny to anyone but let us know. Yes.

23:09

There's water coming from under the bathroom door. Never

23:11

a good look. No, no, no. And

23:13

the bathroom door is like everything is

23:15

dark and dirty. And wet! And it

23:17

looks like everything smells bad. It's

23:20

got a dank smell to it. It

23:22

looks like it's a dog's. Not that kind of dank. And

23:24

then he looks down the hallway and there's just this white

23:26

pristine bathroom door and I'm like, well, that's

23:28

obviously the thing in the video game that you're

23:30

heading towards the event door. You press X for

23:33

a clue. There's

23:36

a woman in the tub. Yeah, and I was like, is that

23:38

the woman from the pictures? I don't know who this woman is.

23:41

No, I didn't know either, but she's got titties out, but they're

23:43

dead ones. We see her

23:45

titties both dead and alive. Dead alive and then dead

23:47

again, so it's fine. What's

23:50

fine? ATAB.

23:56

All titties are beautiful. No, no, it's fine. We can look at

23:58

her titties because she was alive briefly in the movie. That's

24:00

what I'm saying. Also because she's

24:02

German. They

24:05

weren't free over there. So at this

24:08

point, Stephen Dorff has believed that this kid has

24:10

some sort of virus because he is bleeding from

24:12

his eyes the same way that Paul Adore was.

24:14

So he is called in the Department of Health.

24:17

Yes. So Terry shows up. Terry Houston.

24:19

Terry Houston. Why is that

24:21

so funny to you? I don't know.

24:25

Also we have to remember back to 2003 we were like we

24:28

were as a culture terrified of

24:30

Ebola. Yeah totally. I mean and

24:33

rightfully so. Sure. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

24:35

So yeah Terry Houston from the Health Department

24:38

shows up and she's like, Hi. She's like

24:40

it might be a hemorrhagic

24:42

virus. Something like Ebola. And

24:45

he's like I'd love to help but for some reason I

24:47

have to go back to the station. Right now I have

24:49

to go back to the station. The station is calling. No.

24:51

Right. And also. I

24:54

watch a lot of bullies' procedurals. This is not

24:57

the way cop works. You don't just go back

24:59

and forth. Also there's been something.

25:01

Oh no. Right. Because the kid has died in the

25:03

cell. He exploded in the cell. He exploded.

25:06

And he has written Murderer 48.

25:08

And the woman's

25:11

like Terry Houston is like

25:13

that's murderer in German. And Stephen Dorff goes,

25:15

Yeah I know. I

25:17

mean to be fair murderer in German is like more

25:20

d'Aurreurre. I

25:23

used context clues. So he's dead

25:25

in the middle of a cell

25:27

which is more like a zoo

25:30

enclosure. Uh huh. Yeah. And there's

25:32

400 cops looking at him. Yeah. And

25:34

they think it's viral. They think it's

25:36

viral. Yes. And everything that

25:39

Terry is saying is either an ADR

25:41

or the quality of this film is so bad

25:43

that the sound is fucked. Yes and. Yes and.

25:46

So these guys in hazmat suits

25:48

show up and they look like

25:50

plague doctors. Yeah. Because

25:52

their hazmat suits are gray

25:55

black. What baby? That's not the way

25:57

to work. You're always in like. Like,

26:00

hi, Viz, has been. Right, super

26:02

white, yeah. And

26:04

Dorf is like, should we have those

26:06

on too? And Terry's like, oh, we're

26:08

probably already infected. Totally cavalier about it.

26:11

Terry is ready to die at every

26:13

moment in this movie. He's ready to die

26:15

and seemingly, as Arden decides, she's gonna fuck

26:17

Steven Dorf. I mean, you see a Steven

26:19

Dorf, you fuck a Steven Dorf. Am I

26:21

right? If

26:23

it feels so right, how could it be wrong? Exactly.

26:26

So cut to a street pervert

26:29

filming a woman walking to work.

26:32

Filming a Bunko Sarah Michelle Giller.

26:36

Is she a bit of a Bunko Sarah Michelle Giller? Yeah, she's got

26:38

a vibe, for sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So

26:41

she's going to work at theater.

26:44

She's in a box office. Ladies,

26:48

lady listeners, there's a man

26:51

with a video camera who

26:54

tells you that you'd be the perfect leading

26:56

lady for his film and he's never heard

26:58

you speak. You

27:00

don't talk to that man. If

27:02

he says, you're so beautiful,

27:05

you don't go, oh really? No,

27:08

no, no, no, that

27:11

doesn't happen. It's not how it works.

27:13

If you say, sir, I have a silo alarm

27:15

under this counter, I've already activated, the police are

27:17

on their way. Have a nice day, have a

27:19

nice day. I said good day.

27:21

Yes. Oh,

27:24

so we got to Stephen

27:26

Dorff and Terry. Houston. Who

27:29

are now partners. Just

27:33

totally pushed every comes out of the way. I

27:37

wonder if he ever got mad throughout the making of this

27:39

movie. He was too busy eating something

27:41

out of a white wax paper bag.

27:44

Oh, no, because he's a cop, see. So

27:47

Stephen Dorff and Terry Houston are

27:50

watching a video

27:52

from a camcorder the German kids

27:54

had. That was in the bathtub with

27:56

the dead girl. Wait, it was in the tub? She pulled it

27:58

up and it was wet. could have just been beside the

28:01

tub. Oh, wait, no, we see it fall on the ground

28:03

later because we see the video get

28:05

made. It falls on the ground, I recall this.

28:07

No, you're right, you're right, you're right. Because when

28:09

it hits the ground, it makes a squish

28:11

sound like it was a grape. It's

28:15

a fucking video camera. Carry

28:17

on. Soft shell video camera. Yeah.

28:20

They are watching videos of these kids,

28:23

I don't know, going around New York and being

28:25

tourists and then also fucking. Yeah.

28:28

And Stephen Dorff's like, I can watch this later. And she's like, fuck

28:30

off, I'm watching this. He was basically like, I can

28:32

watch this later. I'm sure I'll go off. I'm sure I'll go

28:35

off, yeah. They're also just

28:37

like, these kids are filming themselves doing everything,

28:39

like using the internet, which

28:41

took forever back then. Yeah, forever.

28:43

You young kids don't know how

28:45

long it took to read

28:48

a webpage in 2002. A

28:50

site with a lot of animation

28:52

on it. Yeah. How it

28:55

slowed everything down. Slowed everything down. You could like

28:57

get up, go to the bathroom. Grab

28:59

a snack, come back, maybe you can

29:01

scroll. All those pointy, bouncy

29:03

scalpels in one animation. It's

29:06

forever. Forever. Forever.

29:10

So, yeah, they're like filming themselves,

29:12

look at a website and they

29:14

both go, ha-dee, what they're looking

29:16

at. Yeah, there's like two

29:18

flashes. And then a scream from

29:20

their desktop monitor and

29:22

then they turn the camera off. Yeah. Mm-hmm.

29:26

They've been speaking English this whole time too. Well,

29:28

yeah, I mean, when you videotape someone, their

29:31

German becomes English. It's a commonly known thing.

29:33

Well, that was my question, was like, did he stop

29:37

knowing English? Because

29:40

he's clearly trying to communicate with the police

29:43

officers. Sure. And if he's an

29:45

exchange student in America, which we're told, you

29:47

have to know a modicum of English. You don't just

29:49

show up speaking not a word of English. No. And

29:52

enroll in school. Yeah, I

29:54

don't know. I don't know either. Because

29:57

the bad guy in this movie is very

29:59

confusing. There's a couple bad guys. One

30:02

of them might be Steven Dorf. I'm

30:04

unclear. So

30:09

after they see the website, then we

30:11

get video of the German guy attacking

30:14

his lady friend. Yeah, and speaking

30:16

German very unkindly. Yeah, and then we

30:18

see her all beat up in the

30:20

bathtub. Right. And she's seemingly

30:22

going to drown herself in the bathtub.

30:25

Right, that's when she drops the camera and it makes the

30:27

squish sound. Yeah. Yeah. And

30:29

then we cut to this fucking Sarah Michelle Geller bozo

30:31

really going to the theater. She's really

30:33

going there to meet the guy who said that he was making

30:36

a movie. So when a pervert approaches you

30:38

on the street, and it's like, you're a

30:40

beautiful company in my movie, and you're like, you know what?

30:42

I have always wanted to be in a movie. I like

30:44

this guy's the jib cut off. He's very

30:46

confident. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I like a

30:48

confident man. And it's attractive. And

30:51

so you go to the theater that he's supposed to be

30:54

filming you in his movie. And it

30:56

is just completely run down. And I realize

30:58

the city is like, it's

31:00

what people in the suburbs think Detroit looks

31:02

like. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. And

31:05

it is just like, the city has been beat to shit. But

31:07

it's also New York in 2002. Yeah.

31:11

Or Luxembourg. Yeah, yeah. Or

31:14

Montreal, because some of this is home to Montreal

31:16

as well. True, true. I got to get all

31:18

those tax credits. So she goes

31:20

into this theater that doesn't have a door

31:23

and is just black inside. There's no one in it.

31:25

No one in it. Go home.

31:28

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Also,

31:31

right here I've written, now I'm going to

31:33

eat a hoagie so notes may be spotty.

31:36

Sorry. I like the word cut from the

31:38

same cloth. You're going to have to

31:41

carry me here. One's out of footprints right

31:43

now. So she goes into the theater and

31:45

she's being filmed by night vision cameras. Because

31:48

she can't see shit. Yeah, don't

31:50

go into a dark place with a man you

31:52

don't know. And don't just keep walking in. No.

31:55

Like a home. And so she's

31:57

like, I feel like this movie is a lot of.

32:00

to blame him. She had it, Connor! Yeah!

32:03

Hello! That's kind

32:05

of the vibe you get from this whole vignette.

32:08

Yes, because later in the movie when they're talking about

32:10

Jeannie, the main

32:14

impetus of all this, or whatever.

32:16

Or whatever, yeah. One of the cops

32:18

is like, yeah, I went to every apartment she lived in. They

32:20

were all shitholes. It's like, what does that

32:22

have to do with this? Judging

32:25

by the city that we've seen

32:27

so far, everything is a shithole movie.

32:30

He's a shithole. Except for

32:32

Denise's office, which is a ballroom. Go

32:34

on. But kind of a shitty ballroom!

32:37

It's pretty purple. So

32:40

she's walking in and she eventually ends

32:42

up on stage and the stage lights

32:44

start flickering at her. Run.

32:47

And she's like, oh, what's this? This is part of the

32:49

movie? Am I being filmed right now? This is my audition.

32:51

I'm ready for my close-up, Mr. Deville. And

32:55

then Dr. Gogol or whatever the

32:57

fuck comes up and starts

32:59

murderizing her. To Rameshine, maybe?

33:02

Or something. Or something. I

33:04

was like, oh, good, new metal. I mean,

33:06

it's 2002. What are you going to do? What are

33:08

you going to do? It's unavoidable at that point. There's

33:11

like a fire alarm or something?

33:14

Yeah, she pulls the fire alarm in hopes, I

33:17

guess, of the fire police coming. I don't know.

33:19

I mean, I think if you pull fire alarms, fire police come,

33:21

don't they? Yeah, but it's been deactivated. Oh,

33:24

God. That's what happened. Yeah. OK.

33:28

Yeah. I mean, again, meeting a hoagie. And

33:31

then we cut back to Terry

33:35

Houston and Stephen Dorff. Oh, she's gotten

33:37

a parking ticket. Yeah. And he's like, I

33:39

can take care of that. And she goes, how can you?

33:42

ACAB and all, but I need a man who can

33:44

take care of parking tickets for me. She

33:46

was basically like, yo, I'm going to S.U.D. if you take

33:48

care of those parking tickets. Yeah. Street

33:51

cleaning happens every month. You'd think

33:53

I would remember. It's

33:57

a scam. The streets are never cleaner. clean

34:02

she goes to see her

34:04

boss mr. Turnbull he's insane

34:06

looking he's peering

34:10

through the blind yeah and

34:12

smoking indoors in the Department

34:14

of Health in 2003 it's not the

34:16

60s no is that really allowed I don't I

34:18

worked in an

34:22

office that year I did not get to

34:24

smoke inside no no no she's

34:27

like where's your computer he's like it broke so

34:30

is it a bowler is

34:33

it a bowler bowler she's like no it's

34:35

not a bowler and he said good I've

34:38

got a bloody no I was hoping this

34:41

wasn't a bowler he absolutely

34:43

is cast as a villain in this

34:45

scene he is not no

34:48

no no he's also like one of

34:50

the fish people from Innsmouth like there's

34:52

a lot going on here a lot

34:54

of weird stuff yeah he says something

34:56

does he say about surfing the information superhighway or

34:59

did I just write that down yes I

35:03

don't remember that but it's totally

35:05

plausible because this movie definitely goes

35:07

into some like strange land territory

35:10

strange lands a better movie much

35:12

better movie watch all day long

35:14

yeah come to my world yeah

35:17

so now he's

35:20

out driving yeah

35:22

up to he's out driving

35:24

he's got a bloody nose but it's still lighting

35:26

a cigarette and you have to admire that like

35:28

fucking commitment to smoking but

35:31

there's also three cigarettes burning in

35:33

the ashtray sir one at a

35:35

time yeah hear me out

35:37

daffy duck here listen 2003 cigarettes were still

35:40

like five dollars a pack oh

35:42

my god yeah I know you would buy a pack

35:45

of cigarettes with a five dollar bill and get a

35:47

single and change back yeah or yeah if

35:49

you smoked wavas like I did

35:52

every time I see someone smoking now I'm like

35:55

that's $11 what are you doing each

35:57

of those cigarettes costs like 62 cents

36:00

Yeah, what are you doing? Faith

36:02

it's so much cheaper. I told you When

36:05

I started smoking there were 99 cents for a pack

36:08

of cigarettes. I know buddy and

36:11

you roll your own And

36:17

he gets out of his car at abandoned

36:19

site, why is he there Indistinct,

36:22

you know, he's in the health department He

36:25

sees baby on the Taylor joy with

36:28

her ball with her ball in like a train

36:30

car or a doorway or a trailer

36:34

And then I think there's like a jump scare of

36:36

her like right at the car window Yeah,

36:38

which I wrote little girl face jump scare,

36:40

I guess see aforementioned hoagie So I think I

36:42

must have been eating and missed whatever it

36:44

was that there was a sting So I

36:47

assumed a TJ girl at window scares

36:49

him in his car. His car is

36:51

now on fire He's stuck inside car

36:53

speeds away. He crashes and flies through

36:55

the windshield is a single note that

36:57

I Wrote

36:59

is the car driving itself? Is this a

37:01

pre Tesla driving into certain death? Hey

37:05

Tesla Yeah,

37:08

yeah same anyway cut to an autopsy table.

37:10

Oh no the titties have died again The

37:17

medical examiner yeah

37:19

is doing an autopsy of the German girl. Mm-hmm

37:21

And she says her something about

37:23

her cerebral cortex. Mm-hmm. So the

37:25

cerebral. Oh, no, the cerebral cortex

37:27

is a different It's oh, it's

37:30

I see you're not on anatomy. It's right behind

37:34

the perineum About

37:36

a paint Like

37:39

clearly the internet existed because this movie is called fear

37:41

calm So I feel like you could have looked it

37:43

up or just ask someone like your doctor Maybe the

37:46

person who wrote the movie were corrected

37:48

in medical school Are

37:52

you mean for the actor? Nobody

37:56

stopped her. Yeah, you got a correction Sarandon.

37:58

You are not gonna correct She's making

38:00

an ass of herself, I might. Anyway,

38:04

they bring in a new body. Who is it? Oh,

38:06

I don't know. It's Turnbull. Yeah, it's Turnbull.

38:09

They go to talk to Turnbull's wife. She's also smoking.

38:11

She's like, this motherfucker smoked himself to death. When

38:14

they first walk in, it's like a long shot of them walking in

38:16

and she's sitting in a chair. It's like,

38:19

is this Jackie Onassis? What is happening

38:21

right now? It is not. No, no,

38:23

Molly Jackie Oassis. He was always

38:25

seeing things. A little girl. He was always

38:27

working. He's on his computer. He's on his

38:29

computer. I guess. What Jack

38:32

Oassis. We

38:34

cut to Bunko Sarah Michelle Geller,

38:37

who was wearing a very elaborate

38:39

bra. It was either one or two

38:41

bras. I'm unclear. There was like a,

38:43

like a, like a,

38:45

a chamois, what do you call

38:48

those? Chamathol? Chamathol.

38:50

Over top of her bra that he has to cut through to

38:52

get to her bra to cut through. I

38:54

mean, it had structure to it. It had burning in

38:56

it. There was like, yeah, there was a lot going

38:59

on in that. Yeah, very elaborate. Yeah. Yeah.

39:02

And that chamois. So it seems like you can click

39:04

on a scalpel and then somehow she gets cut

39:06

with a scalpel. Yeah, you choose a scalpel. He

39:08

uses a scalpel. Choose and use. How many

39:11

subscribers does he have? I think up to

39:13

one point, like 123. I

39:15

was like, we have more subscribers on YouTube and we

39:17

don't even make videos anymore. Take

39:20

that Distress Furniture and

39:22

doorfear.com. We should change

39:24

our username to distressfurniturefear.com.

39:28

DistressFurniture. Nope.

39:31

You drove it into the ground. Yeah.

39:34

Just like this Tesla. He's just showing his damn

39:36

face. Sure. Yeah.

39:39

Yeah. What? On his webcam that

39:41

no one can find him in. What? Ugh.

39:44

He's also in an episode of the X-Files

39:46

that I love. Sure. And

39:48

I think he's British. He's a character actor. Yeah,

39:51

he's in a lot of British shows that I've

39:53

seen. Yeah. He's

39:55

a gender bending Amish guy in the

39:58

X-Files episode. Oh, okay. Okay?

40:02

Very good. So he like cuts her shirt

40:04

open and I was like, yeah, movie, I don't need

40:06

to see, I don't need this buddy. No. Yeah,

40:10

and he's like torturing her. And

40:13

then we cut to, Terry's now watching the

40:15

tape of the German girl by herself. Oh,

40:18

Terry has not been deputized. Why is Terry

40:20

investigating this? It seems like the moment they

40:22

realized it wasn't a virus, because someone brings

40:24

her results and she goes, ah, serum tests

40:26

came back clear. It's not a virus. To

40:29

which I was like, fuck you, you can't test for a virus. And

40:31

then I was like, yeah, wait, coronavirus. You

40:35

have literally taken hundreds of COVID tests.

40:37

Mm-hmm. And

40:42

also, explain tower number seven. Oh,

40:45

Jet fuel doesn't burn that hot, doesn't it? She

40:51

also has a book on her desk called, The

40:53

Secret Soul of the Internet, which is the book

40:55

that Paul Adore was

40:57

holding. Why does she have access

40:59

to all of this evidence? Well, she's a

41:01

cop now. If you

41:04

decide you're in love with a cop, you

41:06

become a cop. I mean, I think that's

41:08

true, actually. More cop than

41:10

punk, anyway. So

41:14

she watches the video of Terry, and she's

41:16

like, or no, she watches, oh, sorry, she

41:18

is Terry. She watches the video. She's very

41:20

Houston. She's very Houston of the, Terry

41:23

Houston just sounds like a quarterback from

41:25

some 70s football. Terry Houston

41:27

won three Super Bowls. Nine

41:31

years, several rings. Yeah, but it

41:33

was when the Raiders had no city affiliation,

41:35

so they don't count them for the Super

41:37

Bowls. So she's watching

41:39

this video, and she's like, okay, she goes into the

41:41

tub at 5-11, and

41:44

then she gets out of the tub at 5-11 the

41:47

next day, 48 hours

41:49

or something. Exactly 48 hours. And

41:52

I was like, well, but what does that mean? You have

41:54

no fucking idea what that means. Yes,

41:57

she sees her watching the video online,

42:00

themselves using the computer and then 48 hours

42:02

later she dies. Yeah. Okay.

42:05

Yeah, I mean, yeah, yeah, it's not

42:07

causality is not videotape.

42:09

Oh, are you sure? And

42:12

I was like, yes. No, we've all seen the ring.

42:14

You see the video, you die. We understand what's happening

42:16

here. But

42:18

this time it's a website. Oh,

42:21

good point. So they

42:23

call in the computer lady. Yeah. Denise,

42:26

decidedly un-American. What?

42:29

Denise is ADR as fuck. They

42:31

have to take so many lines from Denise. I feel like

42:33

she had more lines and they were like, listen, you

42:35

can't even make your mouth move like an American. So

42:41

Denise immediately finds fear.com by typing fear.com

42:43

into her computer search engine. Wait, no,

42:45

this is my favorite part of the

42:47

movie. And I need to really linger

42:49

on this. She types something in. Sure.

42:52

She's like, ah. She's

42:55

cross-referencing the history of the dead people.

42:59

On like a DOS format. On a

43:01

DOS format. She's doing a C prompt on this. And it

43:04

says, match is found. And then

43:06

it scrolls through a bunch of web addresses.

43:08

Yeah. And then it comes up with one.

43:10

And it says, www.fear.com.com.

43:19

Oh, damn it. I love it. I

43:21

love it. So

43:23

much. And it's like

43:26

it's written in like papyrus. It's in

43:28

like a funky font. Every

43:30

time they use a computer, it's in

43:32

papyrus. www.fear.com

43:34

written out.com. I

43:39

wrote that in my notes and it brought up a link. It

43:41

made it a link. So I'm just going to click on it real

43:43

quick and see what happens. fear.com.com.

43:50

The site cannot be reached. Check if

43:53

there is a typo in

43:55

www.fear.com.com. So I mean, we

43:57

can buy it. Get your shit together,

43:59

Denise. Denise. He's stupid, stupid. So

44:04

we see a giant roach crawl

44:06

out of her. Yeah, like a hissing

44:08

cockroach. Yeah, and she screams, and

44:12

we're meant to believe now that Denise is more afraid of

44:14

roaches than anything else. Yeah, bitch, I'd scream at that

44:16

too. That's so scary. Oh yeah, a bug that big?

44:18

Nah, nah, nah, nah. Nah,

44:21

nah, nah. I'm waiting

44:24

for you, Denise. Oh

44:26

yeah, so the website is like

44:30

sexy lady asking if you want to

44:32

kill her. Do you

44:34

like to watch? And

44:36

Denise is like, well yeah. Yeah, I mean, it's exactly why we're

44:38

here on the internet in 2002, isn't it? She's

44:42

like, do you want to hurt me? No, I

44:44

don't want to hurt you. Are you sure, Denise?

44:47

How do you know my name? Oh, Denise.

44:49

So Denise shuts off the internet, and the

44:51

internet's like, I'm not done with you yet.

44:55

Turned itself back on. You cannot turn off

44:57

the internet. And

44:59

then the internet shows her the ring

45:01

video, but it's shitty. It's

45:03

so shitty. It's like,

45:06

it's this Jenny woman who we'll

45:08

learn about later, or Jeannie or

45:11

whatever. Jeannie, yeah. And like, she's

45:13

in different states of being tortured.

45:15

Yeah. And then there's

45:17

like a doorway, and then there's

45:19

like an eyeball rolling into like

45:22

a reloading, like pinball machine, like

45:24

crack. And then like, yeah,

45:27

it's bad. It's real bad. Is this

45:29

what everyone sees when they go to

45:31

fear.com.com? No, yeah, if you get infected by

45:33

the fear.com.com. So this is it? What?

45:36

You think it would be fucking better. Well,

45:39

that's the thing of like, I

45:41

remember when John

45:44

Carpenter did the Cigarette Burns short

45:46

for Masters of Horror. And

45:49

in that movie, there's supposed to be a

45:51

movie that you see that drives everyone insane.

45:53

And he was like, that's a cool idea. There's

45:55

no fucking way to film that and make it look

45:57

good. No, it's true. It has to be an. implication.

46:00

Yeah, so when they show you

46:02

this thing you're like well that sucked. Even

46:05

in the ring I find it creepy. The

46:07

video is creepy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well done.

46:09

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Not nice.

46:11

It's bad. But wait. Aren't

46:15

people watching and clicking scalpels

46:17

and things like that? Are they watching

46:19

a livestream of him torture women? What

46:22

I'm saying is what happens when you go to fear.com.com?

46:24

Katie. Alan. I

46:27

don't want to disparage anyone. I mean, yes you do,

46:29

but go on. But you just put more thought into

46:31

this movie than the people who wrote this movie. Maybe

46:34

they just didn't understand the internet the way I do. It's

46:36

true. We've had a lot more time to live with the internet.

46:38

And we're not afraid of it. And they were

46:40

afraid of it. I'm not afraid of the

46:43

internet. I'm afraid of it. I can see you can turn the

46:45

internet off now. Just unplug

46:47

that blinky machine in your living room. Yeah, but

46:49

someone if I want to go and do my spelling

46:51

bee on the New York Times app. Then you

46:54

use your fucking Geez, that's

46:56

not the internet. I've

47:02

been getting Queen Bee a lot lately. I'm real proud of

47:04

myself. What is Queen Bee? Queen

47:06

Bee is beyond genius. You get every word.

47:08

I can't, I cannot do, I do all

47:11

of them. I do every single one every

47:13

day except for spelling bee. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

47:16

It's all good. You know what doesn't get enough dew letterboxed?

47:20

Your letterbox is hard. I get letterboxed

47:22

every day. Because you're a smarty band. No, you're

47:24

the smart one. You're doing spelling bee. We

47:27

go back to the doctor. So you're the

47:30

pretty one. We

47:32

go back to the doctor explaining why

47:34

he's doing this to Sarah Michelle Geller.

47:36

Oh, yeah, yeah. Which is that

47:39

he can't feel anything because he feels like he's

47:41

been deprived of that somehow. I

47:44

hate this conceit. Like did

47:46

you ever watch Dexter? Mm-hmm. I

47:48

hated Dexter because Dexter's like he's a

47:51

sociopath. Uh-huh. She's like I can't feel

47:53

anything and that makes me sad. You're

47:55

feeling something! Yeah, if you feel

47:57

sad about feeling nothing, then that's, yeah, that's

47:59

a... I mean, he's like, uh, if

48:01

you choose not to make a choice, you

48:03

still have made a choice. Rush Thomas says.

48:05

Thank you. I love that

48:08

song. It fucking rocks.

48:10

And this dude is like, I can't

48:13

feel anything. I don't understand

48:15

empathy. I'm just said, I'm

48:17

holding on to this American accent

48:19

as hard as I fucking can. He sure

48:21

is. And I'm going to

48:23

put this acupuncture needle like lightly in your shoulder and

48:25

it's going to feel like it kills you, I guess,

48:27

or something. I thought he poked it right into her

48:29

titty, but I couldn't tell because

48:31

it went right into an ad, another fucking

48:33

Peloton ad. Listen, lady, stop screaming at me. Ride

48:36

this bike. Why is your dick

48:38

smell? And I thought that, probably

48:41

because I rode this bike, uh,

48:43

I thought that that was just cutting

48:45

mid scene. Yeah. Like, and then

48:48

we're going to come back to it. No, we're in the police

48:50

station when it comes back from ads. So this is, goes

48:52

back to my theory that on freebies, they don't stop the

48:54

movie. It's just happening.

48:57

We miss two minutes of the movie every time there are

48:59

ads. Listen,

49:02

these are your bathroom breaks, but we're not going

49:04

to stop. This movie was cogent as shit. We

49:06

did happen to chop it at all the exposition.

49:08

It did win Best Picture 03 or 02. I

49:11

don't really know. Yeah. So it

49:13

immediately cuts to this like cop at some sort

49:15

of station and Denise is like going up the

49:18

steps. They must be working super hard to conserve

49:20

energy there because there are zero lights on. Why

49:23

would you turn a light on? It's so wet. Why is

49:25

it so wet? Why

49:28

is everything so slick? I

49:32

don't know. We live in Pittsburgh. It's

49:34

wet as fuck. It's wet and it's

49:36

dark. Yeah. And I'm fine with

49:38

it. It's not like this shit. You

49:41

can turn a couple of lights on and

49:43

everything's fine. Yeah, dude. So

49:45

Denise sees the white ball, the bouncy

49:47

ball, but then it turns into something. What's it

49:49

turn into? GIs into an egg or something. A

49:51

roach. I don't know. She's

49:53

chasing her, but we can't see it because that would cost

49:56

the actual money. And

49:59

then she runs into... the dwarf and

50:01

he's like, hey, Janiece, did you

50:03

internet? She's like, whoa,

50:07

I sure did. And

50:09

then this motherfucker goes, oh

50:12

yeah, that guy, that's Alistair Blippity Blap. We

50:14

know all about him. Why didn't you tell

50:16

her? And I was like, why do you

50:19

know his name? Go find him. Yes, yes,

50:21

exactly. It's not that hard. It's not that hard. He's

50:23

on a live cam site. Crisis.

50:27

Yeah. He keeps changing, he says this a

50:29

couple of times. He keeps changing his site.

50:31

Oh, geez. What does that mean? What

50:34

does that mean? It's not even a VPN. Oh, God. Oh,

50:36

I hate it so much. So he and his new partner,

50:38

Terry Houston. Terry

50:42

Houston. His old partner is just gone. Don't

50:46

worry, he'll be back later to die. To die, just

50:48

to show up and die. They

50:51

go to a bar to

50:54

meet the guy who wrote the book that

50:56

Paul Dory was holding. Yes, Frank Bryant. When

50:59

we meet Frank Bryant, he's laying down

51:01

on a bench at a bar. Like

51:03

you do. And there is a

51:06

woman under the table. Is she essing

51:08

his D when they first show up? I

51:10

think so. Because she crawls out and kind of

51:12

like straightens her clothing and looks like

51:14

hehehe. Yeah. But then this

51:16

guy sits up and he's the least suckable

51:18

dick I've ever seen. I

51:21

didn't know you were keeping a running tally

51:24

of suckable OA. Oh, yeah. He's number

51:26

one. Well, we don't need to get to that. It's Channing Statham, isn't it?

51:28

No. Although I will say...

51:30

We just want to talk about Channing Statham's dick. I've

51:35

been watching that black sale show and they

51:37

never had a thing for Toby

51:39

Stevens. Toby Stevens is so fucking

51:41

sexy in that show. And like the third season when

51:43

he shaved his head and I was like, oh shit,

51:46

Toby Stevens. I know. All

51:49

of your Maggie Smith jeans just came out and hit

51:51

me right in the fucking dick. So

51:53

sexy in that show. I

51:56

don't know. I'm like, go for a ginger. But when

51:58

he has hair, I'm like, I don't want it. I like

52:00

him with the ponytail. I like it. When you shave head,

52:02

I'm like, I'm all fucking in. Oh, how about it? Yeah.

52:05

Toby Stevens, a guy we can agree on. Only

52:09

in that show though, because I've seen him in other things in

52:11

Denmark. Sure, yes. I don't want to see you do a period

52:13

piece. Yeah. No. Technically,

52:15

that show is period piece.

52:17

Uh. Actually. Can

52:24

you feel the death stare, the

52:26

death stare that is accompanied with a smile, by

52:28

the way? I was trying to hold this smile

52:30

back because I wanted you to think I was

52:32

upset. I wish that this character, the man who's

52:34

getting is the est. Yes, Frank Bryan. I

52:36

wish that it was played by Jeff Goldblum. I wish

52:38

that he was doing a real Jurassic Park thing right

52:41

here. He's like, is this the guy

52:43

who wrote the movie? Why, this man

52:45

has zilch charisma. Why is he in

52:47

this movie? And so, Steven

52:50

Dorff sits down and he starts talking to him

52:52

about Paul Dory. He and Paul

52:54

Dory, it turns out, were friends. Yeah, yeah, yeah, tight

52:56

butts. The guy 100% says, Polly

53:00

Dolly, twice, and they

53:02

do not do a retake. Was that supposed

53:04

to imply that they were like, we're friends,

53:06

this is what I called him? No, because

53:08

he also called him Paul Dory earlier in

53:11

the scene. He

53:13

is the inventor of the internet,

53:15

this man. We're told. He basically

53:17

figures out that he was looking at phone

53:19

lines one day and figured out that you

53:21

could hook computers together like Al Gore. Make

53:24

a supercomputer. Yeah. And

53:26

that Paul Dory believed that the web could

53:29

take in energy and store energy

53:31

and send it out. Negative energy,

53:33

magnetic field, psychic energy, feeling your

53:35

soul. And he like rolls

53:38

his eyes and goes, ma, na, na, ba, na, na. You

53:43

guys see what I was getting my Ds earlier? It

53:46

was pretty cool. And so, and so, he

53:50

tells them about how Paul Dory told

53:53

him about a website. And

53:55

Terry's like, do you remember the name of the site? And

53:57

he's like, no. Like, how could you remember something like fear.com.com?

54:01

And to her, distressed furniture.

54:04

Distressed furniture. What

54:06

was the distressed furniture thing? What

54:09

did we learn from talking to Frank Bryant? Nothing.

54:12

Fuck all. Fuck all.

54:14

This is like that, like, in a Call

54:16

of Cthulhu adventure, where like the DM is really

54:18

trying to railroad you. Yeah. And

54:21

you go do something else and he's like, you

54:23

will learn nothing. You're like, but what

54:25

if I try to find peanut chews

54:27

in London? Fuck. I

54:34

just have a note that says, shit, Denise. Yeah,

54:36

Denise's ballroom is a mess now. But

54:42

Denise is kind of hot when she's distressed. Like, she's

54:44

like taking off her glasses and loosened her ponytail. Yeah,

54:46

she's doing the, she's all that. Yeah. But

54:49

like, she's all that crazy. Because

54:52

now there's CGI roaches, a whole horde of them. Oh, so

54:54

many. I mean, look what we can do with computers.

54:57

Right? I mean, really.

54:59

You just go to fear.roach.com. Denise,

55:03

to me, seems like a logical person. Sure.

55:06

Denise ought to call for help. What?

55:10

I'm having a mental breakdown. I need

55:12

help. Well, what if you just crawl around on the

55:14

floor, on the wet, for some reason, wet floor in

55:16

your apartment? Why is Denise's ballroom

55:18

wet? She's in like

55:20

a silky nightie, which is also

55:22

wet. Uh-huh. Yeah. She's

55:25

like a native crotch dealer. Yeah, made

55:27

her crotch all sweaty. And

55:30

she's like, oh, she's just writing

55:32

ones and zeros, everything. So she's like

55:34

writing out the internet around her apartment.

55:37

Yes, she's coding. She's

55:40

doing an early coding boot camp. Yeah.

55:43

So Terry and Dorf show up. Yeah. And

55:46

then as they get out of the car, Denise hits the roof

55:48

of the car. Yeah. At

55:50

least she dies sexy, though. She's in

55:52

like the sexiest pose, and it's raining

55:54

on her. What's the, the, oh,

55:57

man, the picture of

55:59

the woman who committed suicide? It's like this beautiful

56:01

photograph of she fell into a car

56:03

in New York City in like the 50s. I don't know

56:05

Oh, yeah, I can't remember the name of it. It's a

56:07

famous photograph of a woman. I don't know Yeah, that's what

56:09

it was reminding me of though. Gotcha. You think it was a

56:11

reference to that? Sure. Yeah. Yeah This

56:13

movie's really arty This

56:18

movie is all over the damn place Yeah,

56:20

dwarf is all upset because she's dead.

56:22

He's like, it's my fault and Terry's

56:24

like, it's not your fault actually Yeah,

56:26

it fucking is Probably 100% is his

56:28

fault. He brought her into this and

56:31

didn't tell her anything about it And

56:34

didn't like follow up with anything about what she

56:36

said Terry's

56:38

like I did some research. Did you know the

56:41

German girl was terrified of drowning? No, how would

56:43

you have found that? Where were you? Who?

56:46

Terry What

56:48

research did you do Terry Houston?

56:50

Terry Houston? You have no authority here

56:53

She doesn't have anything else to do because her boss is dead. There's

56:55

no one to give her like assignments She's

56:57

gonna have to work Your boss

57:00

died you can just stop working Yes,

57:02

if your boss ever dies, you are free to

57:04

do nothing forever. Do you know that? It's like

57:06

if your roommate kills himself in college Oh,

57:08

I was gonna say that She's

57:14

like Dors Promise

57:17

me one thing that you will to

57:19

visit that site because we're just now

57:21

in love I would

57:23

never do that. Bop bop bop bop internet

57:25

He's like I would never do that in the next

57:27

scene She is laying in bed sleeping and he's standing over

57:30

her and I was like, is he jerking it? He's just

57:32

standing over her jerking it. No, he's

57:34

leaving to go look at the Internet He

57:37

has to go to Denise's because he knows she has a computer

57:40

He goes back to her shithole apartment It's

57:44

a ballroom So

57:46

wet so wet. I mean it

57:48

was nice when it was dry. It's true. It's true So

57:51

I like the idea of him sitting down on her

57:53

computer and not really knowing how to use it and

57:55

just like Accidentally going to the website

57:57

like he clicks history. He's like I'm

57:59

interested in history. Let's find out

58:01

what that is. He just brings up window.

58:03

It's a window. It's

58:05

called Hot Box.

58:07

Hot Box. Was that ever a thing? I'm not a computer

58:10

guy. Just when you're in your car

58:12

and you're hot popping. Did

58:15

you gesture it at my car? No, just in

58:17

general. Okay. That's the

58:19

only Hot Box I know. Yeah. And

58:22

he just types in fear.com.com.

58:25

Nope, he does it on purpose. And

58:30

he sees the internet ring video and now he's got 48

58:32

hours. And the ghost is like,

58:34

you have 48 hours to find me. Yeah, there's

58:36

just a titty in the darkness for him.

58:39

His has a titty in the darkness. Which

58:41

is my favorite book that

58:44

I've ever read. Oh, it's

58:46

his favorite Cure album. The computer

58:48

says to him, Mike. And I was like, is

58:50

his name Mike? I

58:52

swear to God I've not heard them say that

58:54

before. Mike Steven

58:56

Dorm. Michael Steven Dorm.

58:59

He says, how do I play as

59:02

he's like finger typing it into the box?

59:04

She says, do you

59:06

want to play? And if he had just been like, nah, would

59:10

that have been it? Yep. Yeah.

59:12

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. He sees

59:15

the ring video on the internet and it really

59:17

knocks him for a loop. Gotcha. He's really taken

59:19

back and he's like tripping

59:21

now and everything's like wow, wow, wow.

59:23

Yes. And there's the bouncing ball that has

59:26

this like really shitty Foley work on it

59:28

that I couldn't tell if it was meant

59:30

to be shitty. Like he's

59:32

so fucked up. Right. Yeah. He's tripping

59:34

such bad balls. Yeah. But

59:37

also he like goes to push the elevator button

59:39

and the bell rings before he pushes the button

59:41

and then he pushes it and it rings again.

59:43

It's like, just, it's absolutely a mistake. And

59:46

then it lights up. And then

59:48

the movie's only halfway over. How,

59:50

how, how far into this episode

59:52

are we? Holy shit. We

59:54

are 59 minutes. What are we going to do?

1:00:00

So he finds the woman. I was like, well, there she is. You

1:00:02

found her. You didn't need 48 hours. Wait, where

1:00:04

does he find her? I don't know. He sees

1:00:06

her in this hallucination. Oh yeah. He

1:00:08

like he stands up and she does like the Nine

1:00:10

Inch Nails video head shake kind of thing. Cut

1:00:13

in with images of like a brain scan. Oh

1:00:16

yeah. This is when they made

1:00:18

the mistake of like being referencing

1:00:20

Jacob's ladder in this movie. And

1:00:22

you're just like, don't do that

1:00:24

movie. This is just Jacob's fapper.

1:00:26

Jacob's seven. Yeah. Jacob's fapper. And

1:00:28

so he's being taken away on like a

1:00:31

gurney screaming to Terry. It's not just energy.

1:00:33

She's alive in the wires. If the will

1:00:35

is strong, it can just live out there

1:00:37

to which I wrote. What?

1:00:41

And Terry's like still would. Yeah. I'm

1:00:44

still going to do this, but first I need to

1:00:46

go to fear.com.com. I

1:00:49

do like when she shows up because she realizes

1:00:51

where he is after she wakes up and she's

1:00:53

like, Hey, Betsy, go into Denise's to use the

1:00:55

internet. Use the internet. She drives

1:00:58

to Denise's crime scene. Nobody's

1:01:00

there. No tape. Nothing. She parks in

1:01:02

the middle of a fucking street. New

1:01:04

York. Like she expected it to

1:01:06

be a crime scene, but it wasn't yet. She's like, well,

1:01:08

I can just do this now. And the crime scene around

1:01:10

me. She gets on the internet and she says, why are

1:01:13

you killing Mike? Guilty.

1:01:17

What? What? What?

1:01:21

Oh man. She has her little freak

1:01:23

out from looking at fear.com.com, but

1:01:25

in hers, she's just petting the monitor and just like

1:01:27

kind of putting her hands up and patting it like

1:01:29

a, isn't that terrifying? No.

1:01:33

And then she just fell asleep here. Denise's cause Denise

1:01:35

has a computer. And

1:01:38

then she goes to the police station and

1:01:40

he's like, I'm a civilian. Give me those

1:01:42

files. And Jeffrey

1:01:44

columns, like, look, I

1:01:46

haven't really been doing much. So yeah, here you go. Yeah. And

1:01:50

she's like freaking out and he's like, Jesus

1:01:52

fucking Christ, knock yourself out already. Like in

1:01:54

that moment, we are all Jeffrey combs just

1:01:57

right now. And she's got the Ebola face.

1:02:00

to let you know that she

1:02:02

got the virus, that isn't the virus. Right. I

1:02:04

think if I were her, I'd have just not gone to

1:02:06

the website and instead gone back to my Department of Health

1:02:08

job. Maybe you could get your boss's job. He's

1:02:11

dead. Sure. You're in

1:02:13

line for a promotion. Oh man. There's

1:02:19

a scene where like a photo star, oh yeah,

1:02:21

she goes to talk to somebody and

1:02:23

they've got a photo of that kid. It's the

1:02:25

mom. Yeah. She needs mom, yeah. Yes.

1:02:28

Genie, whatever. Genie, Jean Marie. I

1:02:31

feel like her full name was. Sure. And

1:02:33

she's got a photo of like her

1:02:35

as the little Anya Taylor Joychild. And

1:02:38

then that photo starts moving and I was like,

1:02:40

was this just a thing in early 2000? Yep.

1:02:44

Yep. Oh fuck, we'll freak out

1:02:46

the fucking norms, man. What if a photo

1:02:48

moves? I mean, the Stephen King, It mini series did

1:02:50

it in 1990 with Tim Curry.

1:02:52

Yeah. Yeah, so fuck you. We're

1:02:56

also getting like a

1:02:58

snippet of the doctor like

1:03:00

telling us Joseph Stalin's thoughts on death.

1:03:02

And I'm not here for this. No,

1:03:05

no, not at all. No. And

1:03:07

then the mom's like, yeah, Genie was a great girl.

1:03:09

She was really good. She used to play down at

1:03:11

the old steel mill. Despite being a hemophiliac who

1:03:13

could die from a scratch, get out of the

1:03:15

old steel mill. Also be a

1:03:18

better parent. Don't let your kid play the old

1:03:20

steel mill. Because I was two miles down the road.

1:03:22

I don't think I'd let my kid walk four miles on

1:03:24

a round trip to play in an abandoned steel mill. But

1:03:26

that's just me. Then it

1:03:28

went right into a Peloton ad. And

1:03:33

then I got an app that I think had

1:03:35

Alan Iverson in it talking about cashback with Kevin

1:03:37

Hart and Steph Curry. Oh, weird. It was like,

1:03:39

we talking about cashback. There

1:03:42

was a third man that I didn't know. And I was like, I think that's AI. Definitely

1:03:45

targeted at you after me making that reference so

1:03:48

many times on this podcast. Were we also just

1:03:50

talking about macaroni and cheese? Maybe that's why

1:03:52

you got that ad. Oh, yeah, yeah.

1:03:54

Cashback. So

1:03:57

Terry goes to the steel mill. And there's this weird

1:03:59

old lady. And Terry says what are

1:04:01

you watching and she's like bitch. I'm clearly not watching anything.

1:04:03

I don't understand what's happening The

1:04:06

worst glaucoma you've ever seen Anything

1:04:09

in years Terry. What are

1:04:11

you looking at? It's like don't make fun of

1:04:13

her Department

1:04:16

of Health She

1:04:18

says where is she and the woman

1:04:21

just points to the water? Yeah, no and Terry's

1:04:24

like well I guess I'll go in there and swim in

1:04:26

this water for a while. She end up in

1:04:28

that water Yeah, I was I think I'm

1:04:30

sure you did in the stairs. I Wrote

1:04:32

how did she end up in the water or do I not really

1:04:35

care? She

1:04:37

walks in she finds a corpse and I'm like, yeah, we've

1:04:39

seen the ring We know how this goes you find the

1:04:41

corpse in the water and it really stayed intact

1:04:44

huh her hair and it moved Oh

1:04:47

My god, so she pulls the corpse out.

1:04:50

Yeah, where's she take that corpse? Oh

1:04:52

with her presumably did she just put in the

1:04:54

trunk? Okay, cuz she's

1:04:56

got to go to the hospital to see Baby,

1:04:59

Stephen Dorff. Yeah, no real adult Stephen Dorff

1:05:01

regular size And

1:05:06

then the internet calls her on her cell

1:05:08

phone like the goddamn Mothman calling Richard Gere

1:05:11

what's happening in this movie What

1:05:14

if what the movie presupposes

1:05:16

is that every movie? Yeah,

1:05:19

have you seen a movie? This is it The

1:05:22

voice on the other side of the phone says signed

1:05:24

me and she goes where are you not how it

1:05:26

works my dude I Even

1:05:29

know this is this is mad goofy.

1:05:31

Yeah, the ball rolls by in the

1:05:33

hospital hallway So

1:05:35

she has to follow it to the elevator This movie

1:05:38

gives a lot of consideration to the idea that

1:05:40

holding the camera at a 45 degree angle is

1:05:42

creepy get that Dutch angle On that ball.

1:05:44

That's not what that means and

1:05:46

I'll think And

1:05:49

suddenly Mike flatlines no he's out of there Mike

1:05:52

of course being Stephen Dorff So

1:05:54

they're doing an autopsy on

1:05:57

the girl that she found on the water and then We

1:06:00

find out that the girl had swallowed a lipstick

1:06:03

container. Nope. No?

1:06:06

I mean, it doesn't make a lick of sense. Oh, okay.

1:06:08

All of her organs have been removed and put into a

1:06:11

bag, but we found this inside. No, then she didn't swallow

1:06:13

it. It would have been in her fucking stomach, which would

1:06:15

have been in the fucking bag. Huh?

1:06:18

He cut, and also, Stephen Dorff is looking at

1:06:20

the body and he goes, he cut her open

1:06:22

while she was still alive. Let

1:06:24

the medical examiner determine that. She knows more

1:06:26

than you, even if she doesn't know what

1:06:29

a cerebral cortex is. Yeah, calm

1:06:31

down, Quincy. Yeah. I

1:06:33

don't know what that means. It's a joke for all

1:06:35

the kids out there. Okay, so yes, she

1:06:38

has, quote, swallowed a lipstick. What this

1:06:41

movie and this doctor presupposed is if

1:06:43

you swallow things, they just float in

1:06:45

your body. They just, they don't go

1:06:47

through your digestive system.

1:06:49

It's called absorbing food. You

1:06:52

eat a marshmallow and it might end up in your shoulder.

1:06:54

You never know what's going to happen in there. Why does

1:06:56

she come out my butt, Alan? Why does

1:06:58

she come out my butt? It drops down to your bottom.

1:07:04

I don't know if you're familiar with the cerebral or not.

1:07:08

I don't feel good. I

1:07:12

have a note that says, oh, she swallowed a useless note. Oh,

1:07:15

wait, there's an address on the back. Well, yeah, because

1:07:17

the front side of it just says, the guilty must be

1:07:19

punished. And Terry's like, she didn't want a burial. She wants

1:07:21

revenge. What

1:07:24

is also the plot of the ring? I think. Yeah.

1:07:28

Get out your jump to conclusions, Matt, I

1:07:30

guess. Sick

1:07:34

office space reference. I love

1:07:36

office space. So

1:07:39

they're going to go to the sky's apartment because

1:07:41

they have an address. They

1:07:43

go in and it's totally

1:07:45

Kevin Spacey's apartment from seven. But

1:07:48

I'm just screaming at my television for them

1:07:50

to turn a fucking light on because it's

1:07:52

so unbelievably dark in here. You

1:07:55

didn't feel that the room was well lit

1:07:57

enough by the spinning dead face photo screens?

1:08:00

saver that he had on his desktop monitor?

1:08:02

No, I didn't. Okay. I didn't. Nor the

1:08:04

backlit like embryo on a glass jar that

1:08:07

he had. Why is that there? You

1:08:09

know, because he's just freaky deaky. He's freaky deaky and he

1:08:11

doesn't care. He is talking now

1:08:14

to Bunko Sarah Michelle Geller, who is like

1:08:17

mostly nude and... And

1:08:19

mostly dead. Yes, and

1:08:21

like lashed to a standy-uppy

1:08:24

thing. By her nipples. With

1:08:26

a... The straps across her tits. This woman was

1:08:28

like, I'm not showing you my tits. Yeah, yeah,

1:08:31

yeah. But I guess I'll let you smash them

1:08:33

for a while. It looks so uncomfortable. The

1:08:35

worst thing that happened to her was that tit bar.

1:08:38

And he says to her, you asked for death,

1:08:40

so I am no longer your murderer. We

1:08:45

didn't hear that. Oh no, he says to

1:08:47

her, are you ready

1:08:49

to die? And she's like, yeah. Oh, I miss that.

1:08:51

This sucks. Yeah, I miss that. Being in this

1:08:53

movie fucking blows. I'm sorry that I thought I would do that. I

1:08:55

assumed that she could not hold on to an American

1:08:57

accent in any way, so he just had to say

1:09:00

it for her. He's moving her mouth with his hand.

1:09:05

So in the apartment they find

1:09:07

a fully skinned corpse? Whose

1:09:10

is that? Whose nose? Okay, okay,

1:09:12

all right. Is it

1:09:14

Jeanine? I don't know. No, because she dug

1:09:16

Jeanine up out of the water. No, I don't

1:09:19

know. I

1:09:21

guess Dorf does say that he killed nine

1:09:23

women or something. We don't need to know

1:09:25

any of their names. We just need to know Jeanine's name. The

1:09:29

woman who is being tortured by

1:09:32

this man, Bunko Sarah Michelle Geller,

1:09:34

is listed in the credits as

1:09:36

Alistair's victim. Yikes. Give

1:09:39

her a name. Betty.

1:09:41

Betty. There you go.

1:09:43

That's my day's work. I'll see you guys

1:09:45

on Monday. Punch out before you go. So

1:09:51

the doctor is like, he

1:09:54

says to Dorf, when Dorf comes, Dorf

1:09:56

and Terry come bursting in and he's like, do

1:09:59

you think the cavalry is going to

1:10:01

come because the cavalry is right

1:10:03

there and it's Jeffrey Combs hanging

1:10:05

from the ceiling? How did you get him

1:10:07

up there? A strong AF.

1:10:10

I mean, really? Because they called Jeffrey Combs

1:10:12

where he was like having poker night with

1:10:15

his real friend. He's like,

1:10:17

I don't want to work. I hate working.

1:10:20

Bang on his trombone, old timey. Yeah.

1:10:24

Oh, and the soundtrack is like trying to make

1:10:26

you be invested. It's like, duh duh duh duh

1:10:28

duh duh duh duh duh. No.

1:10:31

And you're like, no sound. I'm not buying a soundtrack.

1:10:33

And like at this point, he shoots

1:10:37

dwarf. He has a gun. He

1:10:39

shoots dwarf. He's like, oh yeah, you're going to

1:10:42

use a gun against me. And then he has

1:10:44

a gun. It's like, oh, okay. Hilarious turn. And

1:10:46

so he grabs Terry and says, attractive

1:10:49

women like you sell through the roof.

1:10:51

So what? Is he making ad revenue

1:10:53

on this? Is that his most

1:10:55

downloaded episode when they're pretty? Like, I

1:10:58

think this is just what the Joe Rogan podcast is.

1:11:01

Gotcha. So

1:11:06

Jeannie was killing these people. Yeah.

1:11:09

Yeah. Yeah. This is one of those instances where

1:11:11

the corpse that just or the ghost that just

1:11:13

wants justice for herself and burgers a bunch of

1:11:15

other people. So then

1:11:17

are the German kids going to come

1:11:19

back and seek justice? Who

1:11:21

can say? Okay. Also, Steven

1:11:23

dwarf is the most responsible cop we've ever had in one

1:11:25

of these movies. He's really trying. He's really

1:11:27

giving it his all. Well, from the fact

1:11:30

that he shoots Alastair, but

1:11:32

he shoots him in the knee. Yeah. He

1:11:34

takes him down. Yeah. And then

1:11:36

Alastair has a gun and shoots him. Wants to see him brought to justice. But

1:11:39

he was like, oh, you didn't like aim for the

1:11:41

center of mass. You were like, yeah. He

1:11:44

should have probably. Yeah. No, this

1:11:47

is what this movie presupposes is all cops

1:11:49

are just murder people. Because

1:11:51

if you don't, what are they

1:11:53

going to do? Murder you. So

1:11:56

there's like a smoky face, a

1:11:58

syringe. I genuinely don't know. His

1:12:00

face is peeling back. This is like

1:12:03

making Doctor Who special effects look

1:12:05

like the fucking peak of special

1:12:07

effects-ness. This is very bad. I

1:12:09

don't know what that means, but it reminds

1:12:11

me very much of a lot of scenes

1:12:13

from House on Haunted Hill. Sure. Which

1:12:16

we did a long time ago with our

1:12:18

friend Ross, who you guys should go listen

1:12:20

to. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But like where there

1:12:22

would just be like spooky interludes. Here's

1:12:25

a doctor and maybe there's a ghost behind them.

1:12:27

What? Yeah, it's like a kid, a woman,

1:12:29

a corpse, I guess. So

1:12:32

the the Alistair stabs Terry

1:12:34

and then Dorph

1:12:36

goes online. And Genie is

1:12:39

talking to the doctor and she's like,

1:12:41

time to feel. What? So

1:12:44

stupid. I've cured your sociopathy.

1:12:46

Yeah, by killing you. The smoky

1:12:49

faces are actually killing me, so I don't

1:12:51

know what to say. They look like absolute nutter

1:12:53

shit. I'm actually dying. And

1:12:56

also like we learned that

1:12:59

he killed Genie with knives

1:13:01

because she was a hemophiliac, so she was afraid of

1:13:03

like anything sharp. He kills people with their worst fears.

1:13:05

He killed Denise with the roaches. Right. How

1:13:08

does he know your worst fear? Well,

1:13:10

as we learn, you can just do

1:13:12

research. Like, did

1:13:14

he just ask people, you think? Sure. I

1:13:17

would be like bunnies, like a

1:13:19

whole truckload of little baby bunnies. Baby bunnies?

1:13:21

Look at me, baby, bunnies. I'm so scared

1:13:24

of those. Naps. Naps.

1:13:27

Pizza. Super afraid of pizza. Do not put me

1:13:29

in front of a pizza. If you really want

1:13:31

to freak me out, leave me alone with a

1:13:33

couple books for a few hours. Yeah. Oh, you're

1:13:35

going to just bug me? Can I use your

1:13:37

computer? I'm going to get on aim.

1:13:42

So Terry kills him. Rip

1:13:45

Alistair, Rip Dorph. Yeah.

1:13:49

Terry wakes up in bed in her apartment

1:13:51

with Benny, the star

1:13:53

of this movie, Benny. Benny. And

1:13:56

she gets a phone call, and the phone call says... Oh,

1:13:59

God. Yeah, I didn't hear anything and

1:14:02

then she's like Stephen Dorff is

1:14:04

that you why would it be Stephen Dorff you saw

1:14:06

him die? I'm gonna masturbate And

1:14:10

then it cut to two minutes of commercials again.

1:14:12

Uh-huh, and then it came back just for the

1:14:14

credits I was like, how fucking dare you? What

1:14:19

Katie wait What

1:14:25

Wait why I think I

1:14:27

figured something out and oh it was gone like a

1:14:29

puff of smoky face Katie

1:14:32

now and great this fucking piece of shit

1:14:34

for me Ladies

1:14:37

choice you chose it. What's the rating? It's

1:14:39

not the net. I'm

1:14:41

reading it not the net Nothing

1:14:45

but not the net I

1:14:54

wrote my rating in my notes. Oh, you

1:14:56

were so ready for this moment. Absolute

1:14:58

zero. This movie is colder than space This

1:15:02

movie is 100% early 2000s

1:15:04

trash. Yeah, we gotta get away from this

1:15:07

We have to make a clean break. We've got to

1:15:09

go at least 10 years in the future for our

1:15:11

next movie. Yeah Boy

1:15:14

what a rough time We're

1:15:16

time to be alive though 2003. I mean

1:15:19

I was living my best life sure Yeah, still

1:15:21

playing in punk rock bands. Yeah, people still

1:15:23

wanted to hear me play Yeah,

1:15:28

I was in college In

1:15:31

fun college times doing the

1:15:33

six beer challenge. Oh, yeah. Yeah, I don't even know

1:15:35

what that is I love it You would cut

1:15:37

the top off a two liter bottle like from

1:15:39

soda and pour five beers into

1:15:41

it and Chug it and then you had to

1:15:43

chug the sixth one from a can It

1:15:47

was just too much liquid your college experience was

1:15:49

very different than mine you didn't go to college.

1:15:51

That's right. I Think

1:15:56

in 2003 I might have still been straight

1:15:58

edge probably yeah Yeah, ooh,

1:16:00

gross. Sorry it all

1:16:02

used to be straight edge, cause you're fine. I

1:16:05

just like to tease Alan about it. Katie.

1:16:08

Alan! We referenced the movie

1:16:10

recently, or I brought up a movie, the Ty West

1:16:13

film, about the Jonestown

1:16:15

massacre, called The

1:16:17

Sacrament. Yeah, I think it's just called

1:16:19

Sacrament. Oh, I thought it was The Sacrament. Okay, I

1:16:21

don't know, well someone on Spotify just wrote Sacrament, so

1:16:24

I don't know. That

1:16:26

was literally their whole comment, so I really

1:16:28

don't know. Including to the Google, it's

1:16:30

The Sacrament. Yeah, you're right about that.

1:16:33

So, a bunch of you wrote

1:16:35

in to tell me what I was thinking of, and

1:16:37

I appreciate that, and I wish you were in my

1:16:39

life more often, so I could think of or realize

1:16:42

what I was talking about more often. It'd be nice

1:16:44

if every time you couldn't think of something, you were

1:16:46

just like, EMTs! And everyone

1:16:48

was like, Sacrament! Cerebral!

1:16:53

Orville Redenbacher is

1:16:55

what you're grasping for. Never

1:16:58

forget that name. Never forget. How could you? Could you

1:17:00

eat? This is the first thing's life. I'm gonna... Sorry,

1:17:04

that was a word. That was a different word.

1:17:06

I'm gonna whisper the name Orville Redenbacher as my

1:17:08

last words. My dry, parched, old lady lips.

1:17:12

Orville Redenbacher. I'm planning on saying

1:17:14

Pepperidge Farm for members. I feel

1:17:16

like that'll be a good crossover

1:17:18

for us. It's really good. Croatowa.

1:17:23

Pepperidge Farm remembers. Jesus

1:17:26

fuck. I hope I'm already dead. So

1:17:29

we're gonna do the Sacrament, the Ty West film, because we love going

1:17:31

back to the well of Ty West. It's gotta be

1:17:34

better than this. Oh my god,

1:17:36

yeah. I like both Jonestown

1:17:38

information and Ty West. Yeah. Jonestown

1:17:41

information. Well, I don't want to say I

1:17:43

like Jonestown, because that sounds like I'm

1:17:45

a freak. But I do

1:17:47

find it fascinating. Do you remember the

1:17:49

band Guyana Punchline? No, I do not.

1:17:54

God, what a good, distasteful pun

1:17:56

that band made. Really not great.

1:17:58

Really not good. Counterpoint,

1:18:02

fucking hilarious. I think

1:18:05

when children get killed, I just think it's not

1:18:07

that funny. I'm sure. I know.

1:18:09

But go ahead and punch one. Oh, not the children, this stupid

1:18:11

bitch. Remember when someone wrote that in a review?

1:18:15

You've added the SB to it. I mean, that was

1:18:17

a vibe. That was a vibe. Look,

1:18:20

I know when someone's calling me a stupid bitch, even if

1:18:22

they don't say it. It happens enough. So

1:18:28

come back next week to hear us talk about the sacrament. I

1:18:30

feel like it's a good summer movie. Yeah,

1:18:32

just a good, like, you know, life-hardened.

1:18:35

Bye, y'all. Bye. Thanks

1:19:25

for watching. See you next week. Bye.