0:00

For over six years, The Past and the

0:02

Curious has been winning fans, sharing stories of

0:04

real people from the past, and making people

0:07

smile. I'm Mick Sullivan, author

0:09

of I See Lincoln's Underpants, which

0:11

is a book about, well, famous

0:13

people's underwear. You'll find all

0:15

of those stories and much, much more in the 100

0:17

plus episodes of The Past

0:20

and the Curious that are currently available. Find

0:23

it in all the usual podcast places.

0:25

The Past and the Curious with Mick Sullivan.

0:27

That's me. What

0:34

if kittens beat the clock each beat?

0:37

And what if unicorns

0:40

were real? What

0:43

if you could fly or travel

0:45

back in time? We welcome you

0:47

to What If World. What

0:51

if world? This

0:56

is What If World.

1:03

Hey there, folks, and welcome back to What

1:05

If World, the show where your questions

1:08

and ideas inspire off-the-cuff stories. I'm

1:10

Mr. Eric, your host, and

1:12

today we're going to finally catch

1:15

up with Alabaster Zero. Now, for

1:17

those of you who are new

1:19

to the show or may not

1:22

have listened to our Freddy Boo-Boo

1:24

Bear episodes, Alabaster Zero is What

1:26

If World's self-proclaimed best detective. But

1:29

he's had a lot to learn about being

1:31

a good detective since his partner,

1:33

Farah Lease, became president of What

1:36

If World, leaving him to solve

1:38

crimes all by himself these last

1:40

four years. He ended

1:42

up in the Freddy Boo-Boo Bear

1:44

universe, where all the mysteries were

1:46

super easy to solve. And

1:49

even though he made good friends there, Alabaster

1:51

needed a real challenge in order

1:53

to grow. That was

1:56

when he discovered Wardrobe, a

1:58

pup-a-loo-like character. from another

2:00

dimension who convinced people to

2:03

be villains and then rented

2:05

them out expensive costumes to

2:07

pursue their dastardly plans. When

2:10

Wardrobe was discovered, he fled

2:12

the Freddy Boo Boo Bear

2:14

universe, headed toward an unknown

2:17

dimension. And Alabaster Zero had

2:19

no choice but to head

2:21

off in pursuit. Now

2:24

we don't know where Alabaster Zero's gonna

2:26

end up. In fact, we don't even

2:28

know where Wardrobe ended up. So I

2:30

have no idea where this off the

2:32

cuff story is gonna take us. But

2:35

I do know that you are what

2:37

if questions will help us get there.

2:39

Starting with one from a listener named

2:41

Jason. Hi, I'm Mr. Eric. My

2:43

name is Jason and I like yo-yo. And

2:46

my question is, what if Alabaster

2:49

Zero had a super powered yo-yo

2:51

that could transform to anything on

2:53

the street? Bye. All

2:56

right, so what I heard is, what

2:58

if Alabaster Zero had a

3:00

super powered yo-yo that could

3:02

transform into anything on a

3:05

string? Have I mentioned

3:07

lately how much I love all of

3:09

your ideas? This show would not exist

3:11

without them. And I just wanna thank

3:13

you all again for sharing them. But

3:16

for now, let's find out. What if

3:18

Alabaster Zero had a super powered yo-yo

3:21

that could transform into anything on a

3:23

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4:23

Whoa, where am I?

4:25

Said Alabaster Zero. The last thing

4:27

he remembered was jumping through a

4:30

vase in the Freddy Boo Boo

4:32

Bear universe. But now all he

4:34

could see was darkness. And all

4:36

I can hear is your narration.

4:38

This is a nightmare. Hey, would

4:40

you like to be trapped in

4:42

an extra dimensional space stuck between

4:45

universes with nothing but a disembodied

4:47

voice as your friend? Oh, I'm

4:49

glad you consider us friends. There's

4:51

nobody. Can you help

4:53

me how to get out of here?

4:55

I don't. I don't know how to

4:57

do that. But you're like the old

4:59

powerful narrator. Just take me to the

5:01

same universe as wardrobe so I can

5:03

solve the mystery and bring that villain

5:05

to justice. Plus maybe some

5:08

action and explosions and stuff. Sorry,

5:10

Alabaster. This is your story. There's

5:12

not much I can do except

5:15

describe what happens after you make

5:17

some choices. But all you've described

5:19

is a black void of nothingness.

5:22

But as Alabaster's eyes adjusted, he

5:24

began to see a twinkling in the

5:26

distance like far-off stars

5:29

dancing through the sky. Maybe

5:31

if I could just get to one of those

5:33

lights, but I'm stuck in a

5:35

vase. But as Alabaster tried to

5:38

stretch out his limbs, he realized he

5:40

wasn't stuck at all. See, that's the

5:42

kind of help I'm talking about, narrator.

5:44

You can just call me, Mr. Eric.

5:46

Gotcha, cool. So I'm just gonna run

5:48

and grab one of these starlight things

5:50

and that'll like take me wherever I

5:52

need to go, right? Only one way

5:54

to find out. Ugh. And

5:57

Alabaster walked ahead on unsteady

5:59

feet. feet. Some steps felt

6:02

like he was walking over grass, then

6:04

sand, then gravel, then snow,

6:07

then water up to his ankle,

6:09

then stepping on stones over bubbling

6:11

lava. Then, okay, can we

6:13

please move away from the lava? Maybe walk

6:15

on fluffy bunny fur. Hey, get off of

6:18

me! What do you think, were you, carpet?

6:20

I didn't sign up for this. Oh,

6:22

sorry, buddies. Don't say sorry. Just get

6:24

off of us. Yip, yip, yip. So

6:26

while a bastard jumped into the air

6:29

and found himself floating toward the nearest

6:31

twinkling light, and when he touched it,

6:34

a yo-yo appeared in his hand. Now I

6:36

at least have something to pass the time

6:38

while I'm trapped in here for eternity. Sigh,

6:42

alabaster. Sending the yo-yo

6:44

down and zipping it back

6:46

up with a practiced flick of his

6:48

wrist, then down again. I just wish

6:51

Fair Elise were here. She could always

6:53

help me figure out the biggest mysteries.

6:55

Oh, don't sell yourself short, alabaster. Fair

6:57

Elise, where are you? Look down.

7:01

And at the end of alabaster's

7:03

extended yo-yo string, the plastic body

7:05

of the yo-yo itself had turned

7:07

into a little wooden fair Elise

7:09

puppet, her arms and legs moving

7:11

and attached to strings that all

7:14

wound up before intertwining with the

7:16

bigger yo-yo string wrapped around alabaster's

7:18

finger. Okay, well now this yo-yo

7:20

is my favorite new thing. You

7:22

have Jason to thank for that.

7:24

It was his what if question.

7:27

Oh, so all these lights

7:29

are different what ifs? So I assume,

7:32

but I am just a magic puppet

7:34

made by the superpowers of yo-yo-yo. I

7:36

probably don't know as much as the

7:38

real Fair Elise. So you can't

7:40

tell me how to find the wardrobe guy

7:43

or get back to what if world. I

7:46

just feel kind of alone

7:48

and scared. And it's dark

7:50

in here. And as alabaster's

7:52

fears grew, the beautiful floating

7:54

what if ideas that lit

7:56

this strange place started to

7:58

wink out. The

8:00

air grew colder, and a

8:03

biting wind blew from nowhere

8:05

and everywhere. Alabaster, this place

8:08

seems to be responding to

8:10

your anxiety. Why'd you tell

8:13

me that? Now I'm just

8:15

more anxious! And I started

8:18

thinking about monsters, spooky, scary

8:20

monsters! Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr! Rang

8:23

a distant howl. Alabaster tried to

8:25

run, but he fell into a

8:27

pool of ice-cold water up to

8:29

his neck! The fairlyse get me

8:31

outta here! I'm sorry. I'm

8:33

just a puppet and I'm also

8:35

underwater. Oh, sorry. And Alabaster

8:38

zipped up the fairlyse puppet, and the

8:40

two of them floated at the surface

8:42

of the cold, black water. Mr.

8:45

Narrator? Mr. Eric? Can you just

8:47

narrate something soothing happening, please? It's

8:49

getting too spooky for me! Well,

8:52

what helps you feel better when

8:54

things are feeling a little spooky?

8:57

Well, first I usually take

8:59

a deep breath. And

9:05

as I let it all

9:07

out, I like to imagine

9:10

myself snuggling in a warm,

9:12

heavy blanket with Dabbie Tallulah,

9:14

my little vampire kitten. And

9:16

when Alabaster opened his eyes,

9:18

he was warm and dry.

9:20

And his yo-yo string had

9:22

threaded itself into a long,

9:24

heavy blanket with a wooden

9:26

Tabby Tallulah puppet at the

9:28

end. You're letting your

9:31

fears get better of you,

9:33

Alabaster? Skolded the puppet.

9:35

You know that we cats are not

9:37

afraid of anything. That's not true. I

9:39

saw you walk on some aluminum foil

9:41

and then dive out a window! True,

9:44

we are often afraid of things

9:46

that we don't understand, or that

9:48

could eat us. But we, kitties,

9:51

always face our fears and do

9:53

what must be done. Is that

9:55

why you threw my aluminum foil

9:58

in that never-ending abyss? Also,

10:00

I wanted to see how far

10:02

it would fall down. So first

10:05

I gotta try to calm myself

10:07

down. Then I have to face

10:09

my fears. And destroy them if

10:11

possible. Okay, Tabby. You are

10:13

a very cute kitty puppet. But

10:15

I think destroying things isn't really

10:17

the answer here. Well, I guess

10:19

you have to trust your gut.

10:21

Your silly human gut. It's not

10:23

just trusting my gut. I've learned

10:25

that violence doesn't make things better.

10:28

If I'm gonna defeat wardrobe, I

10:30

can't just go around smashing everything

10:32

in the multiverse with my super-powered

10:34

yo-yo. Even though that would be

10:36

pretty cool. So cool, right? Let's

10:38

just smash a few things then

10:40

we'll figure it out. And

10:42

as Alabaster Zero considered smashing

10:44

his way through the multiverse,

10:47

a few more of the

10:49

what-if lights winked out. Aha!

10:53

There are fewer lights now. So

10:56

I'm probably getting closer to the

10:58

answer. And a few more lights

11:00

twinkled back on. Come on,

11:02

Mr. Eric! I'm just gonna touch one

11:04

of these and see what happens. That

11:07

is what a cat would do. And

11:09

with a flick of his wrist, the

11:11

talking puppet and string blanket disappeared. And

11:13

the yo-yo was just a yo-yo again.

11:16

Then Alabaster Zero flung it out toward

11:18

the nearest what-if question, lassoing the light

11:20

with string before pulling it towards him

11:22

with a tug. As the

11:25

light drew closer, it got bigger

11:27

and bigger until it wrapped up

11:29

Alabaster Zero and... Yes,

11:32

I'm in a new world, I think.

11:35

He was in a new what-city similar to the one

11:38

he'd left. Except people were

11:40

flying all over it, born by

11:42

their large mosquito wings. Hey,

11:45

have any of you seen

11:47

Wardrobe? Pretty unassuming villain, but

11:50

he could disguise himself as

11:52

basically any monster. Alabaster Zero!

11:55

Said Fred the dog. As he flew

11:58

up, his four wings buzzing. His large

12:00

multifaceted eyes in need of a lick.

12:04

Not anymore. Fred, is this

12:06

What If World? It's a

12:08

version of What If World,

12:10

where a patron named Naira's

12:12

question came true. And

12:15

mosquito bites give you

12:17

superpowers. But... Mostly mosquito-based

12:19

superpowers. Well

12:21

come on, who wouldn't want to lick

12:24

their own eyeballs? That's actually not typical

12:26

mosquito behavior. Oh, fine

12:28

you party pooper. Hey listen,

12:30

now that we're all mosquitoes,

12:32

we're pretty hungry for like

12:34

um... You know. What?

12:38

Come on, mosquitoes eat it. You're

12:40

full of it. Are you asking

12:42

if you can bite me? I

12:44

mean that's a lot more polite

12:46

than most mosquitoes alabaster, so... That

12:48

doesn't mean I have to say

12:50

yes. Okay, fine selfish. Keep your

12:52

big sack of blood to yourself

12:54

then. Why did you just get

12:56

out of this universe? Um, I

12:58

actually think maybe I should. Are

13:00

you sure you don't want some

13:02

mosquito-themed superpowers first? But alabaster

13:04

Zero was already diving back into a

13:07

nearby vase. And... He

13:10

was back in the space

13:12

between worlds. Ugh.

13:15

You know, I could have used

13:17

super strength. Bugs are much stronger

13:19

per pound than... We're having second

13:21

thoughts? Come on back anytime. No,

13:25

it's hopeless. I tried once and

13:27

it didn't work. So I guess

13:29

I'm stuck here forever. Alabaster

13:32

Zero had himself a cry. Failure

13:34

is hard. And sometimes

13:37

it's scary. Especially when you're trying

13:39

something new. Especially

13:41

when you feel alone. But

13:44

then, alabaster remembered... I'm not

13:46

alone. I'm never alone. Even

13:48

when my friends are far away, I carry

13:51

them with me. In this yo-yo! And

13:53

alabaster spun out the yo-yo into a

13:55

new puppet. But then

13:57

you look at me! the

14:00

vampire became the steak! Oh

14:02

oh oh oh oh! Hey,

14:04

Cacula, I really am

14:06

friends with a lot of vampires.

14:08

And also a mosquito dog now.

14:10

Oh oh oh oh! How do

14:13

you know that? I'm basically an

14:15

extension of your imagination. Only I

14:17

tell terrible jokes. Knock

14:19

knock. Who's

14:21

there? Caculator. Caculator

14:24

who? You! I

14:27

will make you gaggle later with

14:29

my jokes. I

14:32

should probably go. No, they

14:34

look around you. And

14:37

as alabaster did, he noticed there

14:39

were more lights than before. You

14:42

became curious. You saw

14:44

the connection, and the lights

14:46

grew brighter. What

14:48

does it mean? How do I find

14:50

wardrobe? Maybe it means

14:53

you can't find him. Not

14:56

your best joke, Cacula. Since

14:58

when have you known me to always

15:00

be telling super funny jokes? Well,

15:03

that's a good point. You are trying

15:05

to do all of this by yourself.

15:08

Maybe you don't have to.

15:10

But how am I going to

15:12

find real help? Not just memories and

15:15

puppets. Remember, this place

15:17

has responded to your emotional

15:19

state, said the fair Elise

15:21

puppet, suddenly hanging beside Cacula.

15:24

So you're saying I'm alone because I'm

15:26

afraid of being alone? Pretty

15:30

funny, right? Told

15:33

you I'd make you cackle later. That

15:35

was more fair Elise. But as

15:37

alabaster sat, with a simple

15:39

grateful memory of his friends,

15:42

the starlight above him grew

15:44

brighter and thicker as more

15:46

what-ifs joined the sky. Every

15:48

question he'd ever asked, every

15:51

thought you'd ever had, all

15:53

the curiosity of all the worlds,

15:55

suddenly felt like it was at

15:58

his fingertips. But I still have to. to

16:00

find the right what-if, or I

16:02

could wind up in another mosquito dimension. Hey,

16:04

there's nothing wrong with my dimension. Buzzed

16:07

Fred from one of the lights. Okay,

16:10

well let's just say it's not for me

16:12

then. Not every what-if

16:14

will be. And

16:16

that's okay. Okay,

16:19

so maybe if I just think of

16:21

a place that Wardrobe would want to

16:23

go in order to sell his villainous

16:26

disguises and monster costumes. And

16:28

more lights twinkled as Alabaster wondered. And

16:30

I don't have to actually find him

16:33

because anywhere you go, there are gonna

16:35

be good people who care and who

16:37

want to help, not just villains. And

16:40

the sky grew brighter still. On

16:42

the ground, that once changed with

16:44

every step, was now a pool

16:46

of crystal clear water, warm and

16:49

bright, reflecting the lights of

16:51

curiosity as Alabaster floated at

16:53

the surface. And he

16:56

would probably just go somewhere with

16:58

a lot of gullible, trusting people.

17:00

Maybe some world without a detective

17:02

there. Like if one

17:04

of the detectives had gotten lost in

17:07

the multiverse and the other was too

17:09

busy being president. You're in

17:11

the world pool now, Alabaster.

17:13

Just keep swimming. A

17:16

world where crazy things happen all the

17:18

time and people don't really even question

17:20

it. Okay, we get it. But how

17:23

am I supposed to get back? To

17:25

what if world? Where

17:28

have you been, Alabaster? Quiet,

17:31

Tabby-Doo-Lula. I'm trying to concentrate on how

17:33

to travel through all of space time

17:35

back to the world from which I've

17:37

been missing for months. Maybe

17:41

try sitting up. And

17:45

with a splash, Alabaster sat up.

17:48

His dungaree jacket soaked from the

17:50

thin puddle he'd been laying in.

17:53

The morning sky was so bright that

17:55

his eyes dazzled for a moment, and

17:58

as he blinked and rubbed his eyes. He

18:00

thought he could see it just one last time. The

18:03

light of curiosity. An infinity of

18:06

what ifs, packed so close together

18:08

that they lit the world itself.

18:11

I'm home? Perhaps if

18:14

you live in a puddle, home is

18:16

a few feet that way. And Abby

18:18

Tallulah gestured with her fluffy tail

18:20

back toward their apartment building. You

18:23

stepped into this puddle months

18:25

ago and disappeared. I was

18:27

so worried. Oh, I

18:29

missed you, Dabbydallulah! But now that

18:31

you are back, I am going

18:33

to exact the terrible vengeance! I'd

18:36

expect nothing less from my sweet

18:38

little vampire kitty. I will tolerate

18:40

your petting for now. Ugh...

18:43

But I will have my revenge.

18:47

Let's go get you an entire

18:50

red blanket to absorb. That's how

18:52

your kitty vamprism works, right? No,

18:54

I don't even know anymore. Let's do that,

18:56

though. An alabaster zero

18:58

picked up his cat and

19:00

headed home, keeping on the

19:02

lookout for new monsters. Oh

19:07

my gosh, Jason, thank you so much for

19:09

your question. And Nyara, thank you, too. I

19:11

hope all of you enjoyed your story. And

19:14

remember, you can send in your

19:16

questions by emailing us with your

19:18

Grown Ups permission at whatifworldpodcast.com or

19:21

by calling us at 205-605-WAT. That's

19:25

a dedicated voicemail we never call back

19:27

or share your number. And if

19:29

you really want to help us out, try leaving a

19:31

rating and review wherever you listen

19:33

to podcasts or supporting

19:36

us at patreon.com/ whatifworld

19:38

to get ad-free episodes, a shout-out on

19:40

the show, a monthly bonus

19:42

episode, and more. That's

19:44

patreon.com slash whatifworld. I'd

19:47

like to thank Karen O'Keefe, my co-creator,

19:49

my producer, Miss Lynn, Craig Martinson for

19:51

our theme song, and all you kids at

19:53

home who know that curiosity

19:56

is one of the most powerful

19:58

forces in this...