0:00

Hi, welcome to or welcome back to the podcast.

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What's going on up there? A conversation between me and my mind. My name is Gretchen.

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Thanks so much for listening in today.

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And it's been a while since there was last an episode published.

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And I have recorded so many episodes since the last episode that was published,

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but I never edited or posted them.

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And in all of those episodes, I gave a rundown of why there hasn't been an episode posted.

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And I'm kind of tired of giving that rundown just talking to myself.

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So I'm sorry that there hasn't been an episode in a while. But you know, that's that's life.

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That's, that's what you get when you run a platform focused on mental health while mentally ill.

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Just you know, sometimes, sometimes things just fall by the the wayside.

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And that's okay. You get up, you keep going and get back to it eventually. And here I am.

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Let's record an episode. And thanks for sticking with it.

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I'm so glad that you're here today, taking some time out of your day to do something for yourself.

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And yeah, this is going to be great.

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Disclaimer. This is a mental health focused podcast and some topics and experiences

1:24

discussed may be triggering or upsetting for listeners.

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I always put the main topics discussed in each episode in the show description.

1:32

Please check there for any potential triggers and of course,

1:35

make sure to protect your peace, skip parts of the episode, or skip the episode

1:39

altogether if it may upset you. Though I try to create a list of topics I think some might find triggering,

1:45

the list may miss something, so make sure to err on the side of caution.

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Also, Also, I am not a medical or mental health professional.

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I am just a person with lived experience who would like to share my journey

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and advice to help others feel less alone. If you are struggling with your mental health or are actively in crisis,

2:02

I strongly urge you to reach out to a professional for help.

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The Suicide and Crisis Lifeline number in America is 988.

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Okay, so maybe I'm going to do a little life update because it's been a while.

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I don't know when the last episode published was. It might have been March.

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It might have been April. Currently, it's May. So either way, whatever month it was, it's been a month

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no matter what. And that's a long time to have not heard from me. I'm doing okay.

2:37

Yeah, I just haven't published anything because I've been very busy with my

2:44

eating disorder treatment and been struggling off the sad frequently.

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But nothing too alarming

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nothing that you should concern yourself with I am

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okay and it is now springtime and it's beautiful outside the weather definitely

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affects my mood a lot so having it be super sunny is great if it's rainy which

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also happens in spring that is not so great but I'm I'm learning to cope with it,

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and I think that that's something that you can't avoid for the rest of my life.

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You know, the weather is pretty unpredictable, and it's just something that

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I'm working on getting better coping with every time the weather does something I don't like.

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So, yeah, learning to live little by little every day.

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Yeah, so if you're new to the podcast, welcome. Welcome. My name is Gretchen.

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I am 19 years old. I live in America, and this is my mental health focused podcast.

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I am currently in treatment for an eating disorder, and I have bipolar 2 and celiac disease.

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Celiac disease is not a mental illness, but it definitely has a big impact on my life.

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And thank you. Thank you so much for being here.

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The next, the best segment, in my opinion, the best segment of the podcast is

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the 100 questions of Gretchen. I'm sure you've all missed this.

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So I have a fishbowl here and I had at the beginning, there were 100 questions in the fishbowl.

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Since then, I've recorded about as many episodes that have been published, have been unpublished.

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So I'm not sure how many questions are still in the fishbowl,

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but I'm going to answer two of them today.

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That's what I do every time. I answer two questions about myself from the the

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fishbowl to let everyone know a little bit more about me to give you,

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give you some depth inside who I am.

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So let me pull one out, two out. All right, a purple and a pink.

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The colors mean nothing. I just think it's fun to give you an idea of what's happening.

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All right, the first one asks, have you ever dyed your hair a different color?

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Ooh, so I have have naturally blonde hair.

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And when I was in middle school, so when I was in elementary school,

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hair chalk was a really big thing. I don't know if anyone remembers having hair chalk, but they were like little

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circular discs with chalk in it.

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And you would put your hair in and like crimp it down and pull the chalk through.

5:30

And it would create like, you would basically just be coloring your hair with

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chalk and it would get everywhere, but your hair would look like a different color.

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And when I was in middle school, my friends and I, we dyed our hair temporarily.

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And then I don't remember if it was me and another friend, or I definitely dyed

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the tips of my hair pink one weekend.

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And then I come into school and like five other girls have also dyed the tips of their hair pink.

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And I thought I was going to be like so cool, so different and then I show up

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and I guess it was just the thing to do because everyone was showing up with pink tips.

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So that was pretty funny. But yeah, pink.

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I was thinking about, so my hair is blonde and I love the color of like auburn ginger hair.

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However, I have super curly hair and I

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don't want it to look like I'm Merida from Brave

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because I don't think that I

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can pull that off I think it takes like a

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very confident person to pull off curly

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red hair and it looks so good on some people but I

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feel like I would just not be able to pull it off but you know maybe one day

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maybe one day I you know what else I really love I love when people shave their

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head and they've got like a buzz cut but then they dye the buzz cut a super

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cool color I think that's It's awesome.

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Like if you bleach your buzz cut or if you dye it like a pastel,

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I just think that's so cool. And yeah, if I ever had to shave my head for something and it was growing back

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super short, I would definitely do that. But yeah, so that's my hair. And the next question, let's see,

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have you ever broken a bone? Oh, I have broken a bone before. I used to play lacrosse and in lacrosse,

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I was the goalie. So I got like...

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Bombarded with the lacrosse ball every practice. In one practice,

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there were like three different levels of teams in my middle school.

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And I was in like the middle team, but then there was like the high advanced

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team and their goalie was out.

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So they needed me to come in to their practice. So I was the goalie for the

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advanced team for one night and I was doing so good.

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I was saving them. And then this one girl like rips a shot and it hits me on

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the thumb and it breaks my thumb.

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And it's I like don't think much of it at the time. I'm like,

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oh, this hurts. But, you know, I can keep going. And the championships were later that weekend. And I go home and I'm like, you know, it's OK.

8:12

Like I can I can play through the championships. It'll be great.

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And then I wake up the next morning and my mom's like, no way.

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Like, you got to go to the doctor. And we go to the doctor. It's broken clean through.

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And this was my writing hand to my right hand.

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And yeah, I was broken. And now I cannot crack my thumb, my thumb knuckle on my right hand.

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So yeah, a little Gretchen lore. And there was, I've broken other bones.

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I broke my foot twice, the same foot twice. It was like a stress fracture from once.

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I don't remember what I was doing for the first time. It was during my sophomore

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year year of high school and I was at home from the time because of COVID and

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I genuinely don't know what was happening.

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All I remember is that I broke it and my mom, it was, it must've been snowing

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because my mom was trying to get me to shove it into a snow boot and it was just hurting so much.

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And then the other time, I was in Scotland when I turned 18,

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touring universities, and we had a three-hour walking tour around St.

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Andrews, and my shoes were completely ruined.

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They were super old, beaten up, holes in the soles, and just walking around,

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and the foot just broke walking on the cobblestones.

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Weak little feet, I guess. but yeah

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all right hopefully you're not grist out by bones

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or anything I'll put that in the trigger description but

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yeah that gives you a little bit more insight into who I am and let's get into

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the topic today which we're going to be talking about feeling behind because

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of your mental health and obviously this is a mental health focused podcast

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I've struggled with my mental health for years and years now.

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And it can definitely be really difficult to feel like you're missing out or

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to feel like you're behind because of the struggles that you've had to endure

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with your mental illness. Now, as I mentioned in the beginning

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of the podcast, I'm currently in treatment for an eating disorder.

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And so I've been at home. I'm coming

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up on the seven-month month marker

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is going to be in about a week

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or gosh no it's going to be in a few

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days in a few days i'll be hit seven months of ed

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recovery and to do

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my ed recovery i had to be pulled out of my freshman year

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my first semester of college and of course with this whole time i've been at

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home i've been struggling with my mental health so much and it definitely takes

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a toll on you it It really does to feel like your mental illness is holding

11:02

you back from moving forward in life. You see...

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All these people living full lives or depicting their lives as being full,

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at least on Instagram or social media, whatever you find.

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And you see people doing things that you wanted to do or going places you wanted to go.

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And you can't really help it but to feel like, oh, man, if it weren't for this

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mental illness, I would be there. I'm missing out on so much because of this or like, I'm so behind.

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Like now I've missed, I've missed a year of college. Now I'm going to graduate

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late and everyone is going to be ahead of me.

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And it can be, it can be really overwhelming at times to think like that.

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And I know I'm definitely not the only one who feels this way,

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even without the burden of mental illness.

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Comparison is really a thief of joy, I feel, for everyone.

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And it can be so easy to look at someone else's

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life and feel like you're just naturally not

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doing enough regardless of the state

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of your mental health especially in like

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a college setting you see people like doing research or

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getting internships and it can make you feel like like what am what's wrong

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with what I'm doing like why why didn't I get an internship or why am I not

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doing research why am I not taking this class why why am I not reading these

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books like doing these courses, whatever.

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And I understand that for many, many people, young adults my age,

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it's really difficult with all of the comparison and especially social media

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makes it really difficult.

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But to talk about today is the mental health aspect.

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Now, I've been struggling with my mental health for a very long time,

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and it's definitely frustrating at times to feel like your brain is not functioning properly.

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Like, you can feel very frustrated, and it feels kind of unfair.

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Like, why is this happening to me?

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Or something that I've been struggling with is like, why has this been happening to me?

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Like, I've been struggling so badly with my mental health for five years now.

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And why, like, every time I overcome one thing, another thing pops up.

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Like, why is this happening? It feels like I'm being targeted by the universe, you know?

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Like why why do all these bad things happen

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to me but then i have to remind myself like you know like it's

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not me everyone everyone is going

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through something and at different points in their lives

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everyone's gonna have some sort of hardship that hits

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them like you never know what someone else is going

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through in their life and you can't really compare

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yourself to what you see on the surface because there's really

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no way of knowing what's going on in someone else's head

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and ever you know not even

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not even am I feeling like it's

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unfair sometimes but I really do have to remind myself like you know I sad that

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this is happening to me but at the same time I am grateful that it's happening

14:28

to me and maybe not someone else because of all of the support that I'm surrounded with.

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I have a family who understands and supports me.

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I have my therapist, my psychiatrist, my eating disorder team.

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I have so many people who are in my corner cheering me on and I'm very lucky to have that.

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I know that not everyone is as lucky as me and not everyone has the same support that I do.

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So while it can be really easy to fall into that trap of everything is awful

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and nothing is ever going to be good again this always happens this is the same

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as ever it's also important to remind yourself just take it take a moment to think about.

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Yes this this does suck like it's okay to acknowledge that something does suck

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but at the same time you can take a moment to be almost grateful and i know

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this is like one of the most annoying things that people will say,

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but what can you take out of the suck?

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What can you look at this situation and realize that it's horrible,

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but what can you learn from it? And I know I hate that saying, what do you mean, what can I learn from it?

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Everything is terrible. I don't want to learn anything from it.

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I just want it to be done with. But, Really, everything does happen for a reason. And it's important to look at everything

15:53

that's happening and to remind yourself like, hey, I'm going to get onto the

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other side of this. It's going to be okay. Just it sucks for now.

16:02

Like, you know, like that, like the new Taylor song, like I'm a real tough kid. I can handle my shit.

16:09

It's going to be okay. Like you're going to get through it. Even if you don't

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feel like a tough kid, you know, sometimes I just don't feel like tough kid.

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I feel, man, I'm not tough. I just want to curl up in a ball and cry.

16:21

I just want to snuggle with George. He's my cat. He's on the cover of the podcast and the Instagram page.

16:27

Go follow what's going on up there, pod.

16:30

To move on, to give you a little bit of a backstory to where is this all coming from?

16:37

Where am I even a credible source to be talking about feeling behind?

16:42

Who am am I? What am I yapping about?

16:45

So I have been in therapy since I was seven. And it's been a while since I was around seven years old.

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Traumatic things happen in,

16:56

but I always felt ashamed of being in therapy until I got to high school.

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And I realized that, you know, a lot of people are in therapy.

17:05

And there were more TV shows that depicted

17:08

people going to therapy and people struggling with their mental

17:11

health and it made me realize like I'm not

17:14

alone and to go to therapy is

17:17

a luxury it's nothing to be ashamed of but when

17:21

I was growing up when I was a kid it was definitely hard and

17:24

I remember my mom pulling me out

17:27

of maybe it was band class one

17:30

day when I was in middle school and to go to a psychologist appointment and

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then coming back and having a girl ask me like where were you and i would say

17:40

i was at a doctor's appointment and she was like what do you mean you were at

17:43

a doctor's appointment and just feeling so ashamed which first of all you never

17:47

have to explain yourself to anyone, If you want to explain your situation, go for it. But it's no one else's business, okay?

17:55

You are allowed to just keep your business to yourself.

18:00

No one else has to know if you don't want them to know.

18:04

Although this podcast is kind of devil's advocate.

18:08

Like, you know, I'm going to share everything about myself, but you don't have to if you don't want to.

18:14

Oh, man. So yeah, therapy until I was in high school.

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And then I felt so stuck. When I hit my freshman year of high school,

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I felt so stuck because I was struggling so much with my anxiety.

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I was having panic attacks every day.

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Sometimes I would have to go to the nurse and my mom would have to come get

18:35

me out of school because my panic attack was so bad.

18:37

And I felt too ashamed to tell the nurses what was going on.

18:42

I was like, I feel so sick. I need to go home.

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I'm I'm so dizzy, like, I'm so disoriented. And they were like,

18:49

Oh, my God, you're so sick. Then my mom would take me to the doctor. And they're like, Oh,

18:53

nothing's wrong. And I'm like, Yeah, I know. I know nothing's wrong.

18:57

I just needed to get out of there. And with with all that happening, you know, I really felt like I was so far

19:04

behind my peers, like I was working so hard to get these good grades,

19:09

but I was terrified of participating I was terrified of being around other people.

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The social anxiety was real, man. And the constant panic attacks, especially if I had one in class,

19:21

that just made me feel so almost weak and like stupid that I wasn't able to

19:28

handle being in a classroom setting,

19:31

which is absolutely incorrect. Like.

19:36

Nothing is weak and stupid about having a panic attack.

19:40

Panic attacks are uncontrollable and it's not a sign of weakness.

19:46

It's a sign that you're panicking about something.

19:49

Something is happening that's causing your body to be overstimulated and it's

19:54

causing like a flood of emotions.

19:57

There's nothing to be ashamed of about that.

20:00

But I felt like because this kept happening like

20:03

I wasn't as mature as my classmates you

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know like these these other kids can participate

20:10

in class and take the

20:13

tests without like sweating bullets

20:16

or whatever and it definitely helped

20:19

I was helped a lot by COVID and taking

20:23

like a year to not socialize okay

20:27

so maybe maybe that's not the best but I so COVID

20:30

hit when I was finishing my freshman year

20:33

of high school and then my sophomore year of high school I moved to a new town

20:37

and I just did all online school because I could not bring myself to socialize

20:43

with other people and you know that was okay for me that was what I needed that

20:48

was what I needed to have a safe environment you know enter society when I needed,

20:53

but to not feel overwhelmed by the flood of uncertainty that is high school.

20:59

Yeah. And okay, so fast forward, that was sophomore year, junior year,

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fast forwarding to my senior year of high school.

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This is when my big mental crisis kicked in, was my senior year of high school,

21:16

I started falling behind in my work. I was so depressed.

21:21

I had to drop some classes. I just couldn't do anything because of my depression,

21:29

my undiagnosed bipolar 2,

21:32

and then the combinations of trying to find the correct medicine for it,

21:38

being allergic to other medications or not finding the right dosage.

21:43

And for anyone who's been in that situation where where, you know,

21:46

becoming medicated can definitely help a lot, but getting there isn't always an easy process.

21:52

And so I was, I was way falling, I had always been such a high achieving students

21:58

in like the honors classes, you know, getting fantastic grades, not to brag.

22:03

And I just all of a sudden, like I couldn't do anything like reading was taking

22:09

me like hours and hours just to read a single article.

22:12

I couldn't concentrate on anything.

22:15

I would be working until 3am trying to just finish everything.

22:21

And I just, I couldn't keep up with it. My mental health was just dipping so fast and I had to drop.

22:29

One of my AP classes that I took, AP Government and Politics,

22:34

there was an option to have it as a half-year regular class or the AP class.

22:39

And I got the AP class, and I had to drop down to just the half-semester class,

22:45

and that I couldn't even finish. I didn't get to go to any of the senior events or the senior internships or prom.

22:53

I didn't go to prom. I didn't go to senior field day, any of that,

22:59

because I had to go to residential for my mental health.

23:02

And for the month of May, it was actually one year ago, exactly,

23:11

this time I was in California at a residential program for my mental illness

23:19

because I was way suicidal. And, you know, We can't have that.

23:25

We've got to patch up that brain, as they, well, not as they say, as I say.

23:32

Yeah, so I had to leave my high school early, and I just missed out.

23:41

I was not able to go to classes every day.

23:45

I was just way, way depressed.

23:49

And then leaving early, I left before the AP exam, so I didn't get to take those.

23:54

I missed out on, like I said, the internships I missed out.

23:59

I missed out on the end of school, but had to come back and do more school while

24:03

everyone else was doing like their internships, having fun with the summer,

24:07

getting ready for graduations.

24:10

And I just felt so behind, you know?

24:14

I was, well, I was physically behind because everyone was out of school,

24:20

and I was still finishing up my math class, my high school.

24:24

But at the same time, I was feeling so I was feeling like behind everyone physically, but mentally,

24:35

I felt almost more mature or more grown up than others.

24:41

And I feel like this is something that people who go through traumatic events

24:47

or they have like really like bad mental health crisis crises or something you

24:55

know something big happens like death grieving anything.

25:01

Any big thing that happens, I feel like this could be relatable,

25:05

feeling like you have more worldly experience than other people your age,

25:12

but at the same time, you feel behind them because you can't function as an

25:20

average teenager your age would be able to.

25:24

And that was something that I was really struggling with because like I had,

25:28

I had fought off all these demons for a year and now I have to finish pre-calc,

25:36

but everyone else can go about their, their days getting, getting ready for graduation, getting ready for college.

25:42

Like what like that it just feels it

25:45

feels so wrong and that's just

25:49

how that's just how I felt going into the summer I was still really struggling

25:55

with my mental health after leaving residential and what was difficult was I

26:01

naively went into it thinking okay I do this and then then I'm going to be fixed forever.

26:08

And one of the problems I ran into was I was afraid of my emotions because I

26:15

was so sad and so depressed, suicidal for so long.

26:19

When I first experienced happiness again, when I was in residential,

26:24

I was like, oh my God, this is incredible.

26:27

Like, I am never letting this go. I'm never going to be sad again because if

26:32

I let myself be sad, like I'm never going to feel happiness ever again.

26:36

That's how I felt. I thought that if.

26:40

If I wasn't happy, I was going, since I hadn't experienced happiness in so long,

26:45

I thought that if I became sad again,

26:48

the happiness would be fleeting, that I would lose it because I had always been so sad.

26:55

And the problem was, that's not how life works.

27:00

That's not a realistic way way to live because you can't be afraid to have or

27:06

afraid to lose an emotion. You have to approach every emotion with a mindset that this emotion is neutral.

27:18

This emotion might make me feel good, might make me feel bad,

27:23

but overall, the emotion itself is neutral.

27:26

It's the way that I react to to it. So happiness, I was obsessed with happiness. Like, oh my God,

27:32

like I haven't been happy in like forever. This is incredible.

27:36

Like I forgot what this was like. And depression, like that sadness is horrible.

27:41

Like I hated that. I don't want to have that ever again. But you can't live

27:46

in the extremes of only one or only the other.

27:49

You have to have a balance in your life. That's what life is all about.

27:53

It's just a balancing act. You'll sprinkle in other emotions along the way. It's not black and white.

28:00

And I struggle a lot with black and white thinking.

28:03

But if you've ever seen the movie Inside Out, you'll know it can't just be happiness.

28:10

Joy can't be the one controlling the console all the time. You have to have the mixed emotions.

28:16

You have to have it happy and sad and anger and fear and disgust.

28:21

Like you have to have everything together.

28:24

You can't be trying to avoid anything.

28:27

I thought that since I experienced happiness again for the first time in forever,

28:33

that I was going to be fixed forever, you know, all of my problems are completely gone.

28:39

I have happiness now.

28:42

Hooray, all better. And that's not how it works.

28:46

You know, you get out of a treatment and you go back to the real world.

28:52

And in the real world, you're going to experience all these different emotions.

28:55

I was still fighting the depression. I was still fighting the mood swings.

29:00

It was really hard work, you know, to get that, to get to a stable place because

29:07

you can't, it's not one and done.

29:10

You know, mental illness is a constant battle. It's a, it can be a lifelong

29:13

struggle and it's gotta, it can't be like set it and forget it.

29:19

Like it can't be set it and forget it. You always, yeah, it's always going to come back to it.

29:23

And if you don't come back to it, that's when it can be really dangerous because

29:26

you are like suppressing all these emotions and then you're like forgetting

29:32

about them and you're trying to ignore them.

29:34

And that's when the big problems bubble up again and everything comes exploding out. So for me.

29:41

It was so hard for me. After I got out of residential, it was now summertime.

29:47

And in summertime, everyone is like getting jobs or they're like hanging out with friends.

29:52

And for me, it was so difficult to have the concentration to do these things

29:59

because I was still struggling with the power battle between these different emotions.

30:05

I got a job, but I didn't have any the energy to have the job.

30:10

I didn't have enough stamina to keep the job.

30:13

It was a real struggle to be there.

30:16

It really took an emotional toll on me because I didn't have the mental capacity for a job yet.

30:25

I wasn't ready because I didn't know how to regulate myself yet.

30:32

But since I didn't have those skills, I felt like I was behind in,

30:37

you know, like the human category, like the teenage category,

30:42

because all these, like all my friends, they can have jobs.

30:45

Like, what's wrong with me? Why can everyone else have a job and I can't even

30:50

work the front desk for six hours? Like, why?

30:54

What's like, what's wrong with me? And, you know, that's how I felt.

30:59

And it was really really difficult for me to do anything like a job or any educational work.

31:09

And so I was just, I just felt really behind and I was working all summer and

31:15

I was every day, you know, getting better.

31:18

You don't see progress until you look backwards and you realize how far you've come.

31:22

And that's really, that's really what mental health is.

31:26

Like you, you work at it and you work And then you wake up one day and you're

31:30

like, wow, look how far I've come.

31:33

And that was, for me, what I thought college was going to do.

31:36

I thought that I was going to get enough time away from being in high school,

31:41

from my depression era, if you would.

31:45

And I was going to be great. I was patching up my life. I was going to have

31:49

a new city, a fresh start. I really thought that it was going to do me a lot of good. But what I failed

31:56

to realize was change is so hard for me.

31:59

And I felt like I was doing something wrong because I had worked so hard to

32:07

be happy and I had learned how to regulate my emotions.

32:10

And I really wanted to be happy. Like it's this whole new environment.

32:15

I've got a fresh start. You know, I can make new friends.

32:19

I can let people see like this happy, like smart, driven side of me.

32:26

But I wasn't. I wasn't very happy. I was sad a lot of the time.

32:30

And that's something that was really hard for me to admit to myself,

32:36

especially after I had to leave college to come home and do my eating disorder treatment.

32:43

I would talk to my therapist and I would say, you know, like I I don't know

32:47

why I'm here Like I just want to go back to school.

32:50

I was so happy there and she had to be like Gretchen No,

32:54

like I I talked to you while you were at school like our sessions while you

32:58

were at school You were so sad and you were so lost because you were struggling

33:04

with this eating disorder it was taking over your entire life and I.

33:09

You know, I was like constantly, I felt behind in my schoolwork constantly.

33:13

I was taking maybe 18 or 19 credits.

33:18

So that's like five, six classes, five, six, yeah, five-ish, six-ish classes.

33:27

But I felt behind all the time in my schoolwork.

33:30

And I realize now what a part of that was, was avoidance from my actual problems,

33:37

just throwing myself into my schoolwork, was me avoiding other problems,

33:42

like trying to make friends. I'm not great at trying to make friends, and definitely throwing myself into

33:48

the schoolwork, that helped me avoid that problem.

33:52

And, you know, my eating disorder,

33:55

you know, throwing myself into the schoolwork, I don't have to think about food,

34:00

I don't have to think about these things, because I'm going to be only focused

34:03

on getting good grades, and I'm I'm going to be only focused on doing my homework,

34:07

doing all these projects and whatnot.

34:10

But because I was, like I said earlier, you suppress these problems,

34:14

they're going to find a way to bubble back up.

34:17

And I would do all the schoolwork and I was trying to focus on that.

34:22

But since I was suppressing these other problems, I still felt like my brain

34:25

wasn't working properly because I couldn't have my full attention on the schoolwork

34:32

when most of the attention was subconsciously still stuck on these other things

34:37

that I've been trying to avoid. And if anyone else has felt like they don't know why they can't focus on something,

34:49

or they don't know why something isn't working for them,

34:53

and you know subconsciously that you've got these problems that you've been trying to avoid,

34:58

that's definitely something to look into.

35:00

Because for me, that was, you know, that was, that was big. And it's still, it still is big.

35:06

And being, being at college was, it was definitely a lot for me.

35:12

I, I was, so I was, of course, like I said, I was struggling with my eating

35:19

disorder and I was so embarrassed of it.

35:24

And And I think what's hard for some people to understand or it's hard seeing

35:34

like online or on Instagram,

35:38

you see these posts where it's like, well, you're just doing that for attention

35:44

or you're just like, you're trying to lose this weight for attention.

35:49

You're trying to, like, go without food so that someone will pay attention to you.

35:56

And it's hard because, no, like, I, what you want.

36:02

These behaviors of an eating disorder are very secretive, and they thrive on secrecy and isolation.

36:13

And it's embarrassing. These things that, like, you look at someone else, and you think,

36:21

wow, they can just go out, eat whatever they want, and go back to their room and sleep.

36:29

And it's almost embarrassing because you're like, why can't I do that?

36:35

I'm embarrassed to have other people be around me throughout the day because

36:42

I'm not going to function properly.

36:46

It's really hard to feel like you're on the right path in life or on the same

36:52

trajectory as others when you can't bring yourself to fulfill this basic human need of eating.

37:01

You know, if you don't eat, you're going to die. And yeah,

37:04

you can tell that to me, but really that's not going to do anything to change

37:09

my mind because my mind is not in control right now. You know, I'm not in control.

37:16

My eating disorder is in control. And it's really frustrating that it's really

37:24

hard to take back the control. And I hated that I couldn't be, quote, normal. Yeah.

37:31

Yeah, it was just so hard, especially since I thought college was going to be a fresh start for me.

37:37

And I just, I felt like such a failure for having to be pulled out,

37:40

honestly, when I was like talking with my parents and they're like,

37:45

well, we're gonna, we're gonna come get you. I thought for sure that was going to mean like, I'm going to go home.

37:50

I'm going to eat a bunch of food and then I'm going to go right back.

37:53

And that's not exactly how it works.

37:57

Anyone, Anyone with an eating disorder will tell you there is no quick fix for it.

38:02

I really, truly did not realize how far gone I was until I got home and I realized, oh.

38:13

Oh, no, this, like, I'm not going back to school. Like I have to terminate my housing.

38:19

I have to email my professors and like unenroll from all my classes,

38:24

you know, all these things. It's not it's the solution is so simple.

38:29

The solution just eat is so simple, you know, in concept. It's like, oh, just eat.

38:37

Duh. Like, that's so easy. Like anyone can do that.

38:40

But it's so hard to get to that point.

38:43

It's first of all for me well for

38:46

me it's it wasn't even possible to just go right

38:49

to the just eat mindset without risking

38:52

refeeding syndrome and it

38:55

was so frustrating for me because well one you know what the answer is and at

39:01

the same time your brain is fighting you because it's saying oh you can't you

39:06

can't do that like like don't do that and then people it's just it I,

39:13

maybe I'll talk about that later,

39:15

starting my eating disorder treatment, but to leave school and to lose everything

39:20

that I had, or the illusion of everything that I had was so painful,

39:24

you know, I, I felt like a failure because I came home and I lost all of my

39:29

independence, like I'm, I'm. Stuck at home. I'm not allowed to leave. Like I'm not allowed to walk anywhere. I was in a city.

39:37

So I would walk every everywhere. And then I come back to my town and I can't go anywhere.

39:43

I'm not allowed. I'm not allowed to walk. Like they say, oh,

39:46

you can't walk anywhere. I'm like, okay, I won't go on walks. And they're like, no, like you can only

39:52

walk from your bedroom to the kitchen. Like you cannot walk anywhere and I

39:57

was like oh oh I I see how

40:00

this is so so you mean I should just pace around the

40:03

kitchen island is that that's what you're saying now don't don't do that listen

40:08

to your listen to your doctors listen to your therapists dietitians everyone

40:12

and yeah it's hard but you know you gotta you gotta trust the professionals

40:17

you really do but I was I was so confused at how I ended up there.

40:22

I was like, what, what the hell? Like what, what happened? Like,

40:25

you know, how did this get wrong? And it's not until like months of therapy and like programs and everything.

40:32

And you're like, oh, like, no, I didn't just all of a sudden end up here.

40:37

Like, no, this, this has been building for years.

40:39

Yeah. And I just didn't know what it was called. Yeah.

40:42

Okay. That's, that's cool. So it was, it's a lot.

40:46

If you're in the same boat, if you're struggling with an eating disorder,

40:49

if you're just starting treatment, if you haven't started treatment yet,

40:53

whatever, wherever you are, like I see you, man, it is so hard.

40:58

It is life is difficult out here. It is it is not an easy ride,

41:03

but it it is one of the best rides on the planet.

41:07

It's what I've learned is life is so much better than the alternative, which is death.

41:16

Okay, moving on, not going to be so dark anywhere. But what was I going to?

41:21

Oh, yes, Instagram. So I mentioned briefly, at the very beginning,

41:24

how social media is really the thief of joy, all these comparisons.

41:30

And it's, it's really Instagram for me is just a killer. I don't have TikTok.

41:35

But I bet if I did have TikTok, it would definitely not help at all.

41:40

I'm, I'm don't judge me I'm the I'm that person who

41:43

refuses to get TikTok but spends like an hour on

41:46

Instagram reels every day yeah it's not great but yeah so what I was saying

41:52

social media really is a killer because it's one-dimensional like people show

41:57

what they want to see like you don't know how many times they took that picture

42:02

that they posted or you don't know if they edited it you don't know,

42:06

what's going on in the picture. All you see is that there's a picture and it looks like they're great.

42:12

It looks like everyone's having fun, whatever. And it was so hard for me to see everyone living their lives at college or living

42:18

their lives on like spring break, having fun with their friends,

42:22

going to these sporting events, you know, whatever.

42:26

And I'm at home sitting in my room,

42:30

doing my ED treatment. And it's, it's really difficult, especially now that

42:36

the academic year is over, everyone's posting like their yearly recap pics and like, oh, like, see ya.

42:43

First year or like, I survived my freshman year.

42:47

And I'm like, ha ha ha ha ha ha ha, I didn't. I didn't survive my freshman year.

42:53

Freshman year one, Gretchen zero. But really, really, in all seriousness, it really is hard for me not to compare

43:00

myself and feel like I'm so behind all my friends or like I'm now a year behind everyone.

43:06

But really, the main point that I'm getting to with everything that I've been saying in this podcast,

43:13

no matter how much you relate to it, how little you relate to it,

43:16

the biggest point I'm trying to make is that there is no timeline to healing.

43:22

You feel like you're behind someone? Let me ask you, how are you behind them?

43:28

Are you on their life path?

43:31

No, you're on your life path. And this is something that I have to constantly remind yourself.

43:37

There is no correct path to life. It's just life.

43:43

You get one of them and when it's done, it's done.

43:47

So you do it. You do it the way that you're supposed to do it. There is no way.

43:54

There are no two lives that are supposed to look identical.

43:58

You do your life the way that you are supposed to do your life.

44:01

You go to college and you get pulled out because you got to address your eating disorder.

44:07

That's okay. That's your life. life now you have a gap year and you know what

44:12

if you want to take a second gap year after that that is all you you do what

44:18

you have to do you go to college and you decide that you hate this school.

44:23

Change colleges, transfer. Like the world is literally your oyster.

44:28

The world is at your feet and all you have to do is take control and it's all for you.

44:35

And I know it can be hard to say, what do you mean?

44:40

No, Gretchen, I am behind. You don't understand.

44:44

But it's okay. Just take a deep breath and remind yourself of how far you've come.

44:50

Exactly a year ago, I was in residential treatment for my mental health.

44:55

Like exactly a year ago, I thought for sure I was not going to be here anymore.

45:00

And here I am. And I'm still in active treatment for my mental health.

45:05

Yeah. Yeah. It's been a year. A year.

45:09

A year ago, I was in treatment for my mental health. And guess what?

45:12

Now I'm still in my treatment for my mental health.

45:14

And that's okay. okay, it can be so hard to see that all this time hasn't been

45:19

a waste. Like what progress have I made?

45:21

But then you really have to reflect and think on, whoa, I've really come so far.

45:27

Like a year ago, I did not think I was going to be here. And here I am.

45:31

Look at, like, look at me go.

45:33

I continuing to live every day. And that's amazing.

45:38

And so are you. And that is incredible. and you should be so proud of yourself

45:43

for anything that you do today. You listen to this podcast.

45:46

You took time out of your day to do something for yourself. That's amazing.

45:51

You go. That's fantastic. And it's really so great to just take a minute and be mindful about where have

46:02

you been? Where are you going? And not think about like, oh, like I have to do all these things and there's

46:10

like so many deadlines and I'm so overwhelmed.

46:13

There's so many things I have to do. Like, no, take a minute.

46:17

Think about your goals. Yeah, you can think about goals. You can have goals,

46:21

but don't overwhelm yourself with all these things that you feel like you have to do.

46:26

Break it down to your core beliefs. Like, what do you actually want to do in your life?

46:32

Like, do you even want to go to college?

46:34

Do you really want to study what you're studying?

46:38

Do you like your friends? Do you like who you're hanging out with?

46:42

Do you like where you are? Like, do you even like where you live?

46:46

Like, think about how your life is supposed to go based on you.

46:54

Where your life is supposed to be is where you want it to be.

46:57

Not where someone else wants to be. Not where your parents want it to be.

47:01

Not where society is telling you it should be. Not where your friends' lives are. It's about you.

47:08

What's good for you, what's right for you, and what you want out of life. Okay?

47:14

Okay? You got that? You got that? Yeah.

47:17

Your life is going to be fantastic. It's going to be great. And I want you to

47:21

know that you're doing a great job.

47:24

It's just one day at a time. And you can do that. You can do one day at a time. I believe in you.

47:30

I want to close out this podcast with a new segment called small win of the week.

47:36

And I invite you to just think right now about what was your small win of the

47:42

week and can be literally anything.

47:44

Just think about a time this week where you overcome overcame something that

47:49

was going to be a little tricky, but you did it anyway.

47:53

Anyway, yesterday I was driving to dance class and I hit the most horrendous

48:00

traffic I have ever seen in my life.

48:05

That's not true, but it really, it took me an extra 20 minutes to get there. I left on time.

48:10

Usually when I leave at that time, I get there with seven minutes to spare.

48:14

I change into my shoes and I get ready.

48:17

But today, your yesterday, I left at the same time, sat in traffic for 20 minutes

48:22

and got there late. But you know what? That's okay. And it was a win for me because I didn't cancel going to the class.

48:30

I didn't freak out about it. I just, I kept my composure and I reminded myself

48:34

that it was going to be okay. And you know what? It was okay. I wasn't the only one who was late that day. Other people got stuck

48:42

in the traffic too. Like it was okay. And it was a good reminder for me that yes, there are going to be stressful

48:49

situations thrown to you at life, but Everything is going to work out.

48:54

And if you feel like it doesn't work out, just wait.

48:59

Just give it some time. And then maybe in a few hours,

49:05

in a few days, in a few weeks, in a year, maybe you'll look back and you'll

49:08

see, oh wait, it actually did work out how it was supposed to work out,

49:12

even though it didn't feel like it in the moment. Okay, now for our final section of the podcast, Closing Mindfulness.

49:21

And I'm going to invite you to just take a few deep breaths with me.

49:28

I am not sure if the AI edits out the sound of my breathing,

49:33

so just when I say breathe in

49:35

and breathe out, know that I am breathing in and breathing out with you.

49:38

All right, let's take nice deep breath in and out.

49:43

All right, now I want you to think about what made you smile today.

49:50

And you don't have to judge whatever comes up.

49:55

Just think about the first thing that made you smile today.

50:01

What made me smile today was I ate my breakfast outside because it was nice and sunny today.

50:12

So what made you smile today?

50:14

And let's take another deep breath in and out.

50:20

All right, now I want you to think, what made you sad today?

50:25

And you don't have to ruminate on whatever came up. Just think, what made you sad today?

50:32

For me, what made me sad today was I bought a jumper online and it did not fit

50:42

the way that I wanted it to. And it looked really cute, but I couldn't keep it because it did not fit.

50:49

So what made you sad today? And last time, let's take another deep breath in and out.

50:59

Now, I want you to think, what made you hopeful today? What gave you hope for the future?

51:07

For me, what made me hopeful today was I went into a coffee shop,

51:17

and it was busy, and there were a lot of high schoolers there,

51:22

and I am not a fan of teenagers in general.

51:27

They were kind of loud, kind of rowdy, but I went into the store anyway.

51:33

I was brave. I ordered my drink, and I stood there and waited for them to make it for me.

51:42

And I didn't walk in in retreat just because I saw that it was busy.

51:47

So that gives me hope for the future. Just what made you hopeful today? And I want to leave you with that today in

51:56

the first episode of May, first episode in a long time.

52:02

Thank you so much for listening in today.

52:06

I really hope that you enjoyed it.

52:09

If you did go follow the podcast instagram page at what's going on up there underscore pod,

52:18

and yeah i hope you have a fantastic day and even if you don't have a fantastic

52:24

day i hope that you still find some love for yourself today all right thanks for listening bye.