0:00

Why won't

0:02

you date me? Why

0:10

won't you date me? Why

0:12

won't you date me? Please

0:14

tell me why. Ooh

0:20

baby, welcome

0:24

to another episode of Why Won't You Date Me, a podcast

0:26

where me and Nicole Byer has been trying to figure out

0:28

why I'm still single. Even though you

0:30

could come on my couch and say, oh no, I

0:32

spilled milk. My guest today is... Also

0:36

if you drink milk, ew. My

0:39

guest today is a hilarious comedian who's

0:41

been seen on HBO's Crash and Comedy

0:44

Central and Fox NFL. He

0:46

was listed as one of the top 11

0:48

comedians by bet.com and I once watched him

0:50

host a show on molly

0:52

and mushrooms and weed and

0:54

alcohol and it was the funniest thing I ever

0:56

did see. Ooh, it's Clark

0:59

Jones. What's happening? We

1:02

have so many backstories. My goodness. So

1:04

many backstories. It was so funny. At

1:08

one point, Will Miles was like,

1:10

Clark's single and he wants to fuck. And there was

1:12

a rowdy lady in the audience who did not make

1:14

it to the end of the show and she kept

1:17

being like, whoa, whoa. And

1:20

it was so... I was dying.

1:23

If there was no other show that I wish could

1:25

have been recorded, that was the one because

1:28

I don't remember a damn thing than I said.

1:31

I came in hot. I had

1:34

on one of Kenny's old

1:36

Hawaiian shirts. But

1:38

I paired it with my little gold

1:40

chain and it was just a very

1:42

updated Magnum PI type sitch. It

1:45

was. It was very Miami Vice, Magnum PI.

1:47

It was nice. But people said I

1:49

owned it and you gotta own it. So it

1:51

was cock out. You

1:54

said, wait, I just found out Sashir was lighting

1:56

me at the end and I have

1:58

no recollection. We were both. Lighting you

2:00

so I can't I think Lisa

2:03

closed crushed and

2:05

Will came back on stage with no

2:07

bits and you were just talking

2:09

to each other and then at one

2:12

point I was like wait the show's

2:14

done. Oh, no people were

2:16

just looking around and they didn't turn the lights

2:18

on so she and I were Just flashing our

2:20

like little flashlights waving you giving you the light.

2:23

I was I was

2:25

determined to sing lean on me

2:29

at some point that night and since I

2:31

had no recollection of like time or space

2:33

or Consideration of people

2:36

may have things to do. I just

2:38

saved it to the end and then we did bits

2:40

after that Yes, it was so

2:42

because yeah, we sang lean on me and everyone

2:44

was like, wow What a beautiful

2:46

ending to this beautiful weekend and then I can't

2:48

remember it was you were will but you were

2:50

like and another thing And we were like Scream

2:55

they were like turn on the lights let people

2:57

leave they have to go home It

3:00

was so fucking funny It

3:02

was that was that and just knowing that

3:05

like I'm always I didn't grow up

3:07

like hosting things I think people never

3:09

came over. So I'm always a little

3:11

insecure about Hosting like I don't

3:13

want to hold people hostage But

3:16

that night you did not have no

3:18

oh no said you've been taken Self-indulgence

3:21

come release these people

3:25

If someone would have had sex with me that

3:27

that post-nac clarity would have been like, oh man

3:29

Maybe we should end the show but that didn't

3:32

happen. So wait, did you you didn't hook up

3:34

with anybody that night? Okay. So what

3:36

happened was there was a woman interested me and

3:38

another comedian. She said well, I already started making

3:40

out with him So they had sex in the

3:42

bathroom at the comedy club So and I was

3:44

fine with that because it was

3:47

a family weekend like all of our friends were

3:49

there if not me I

3:51

would rather a close friend. I will say Clark

3:54

this woman had six eyelashes and

3:57

cocaine from Florida

4:00

So I think you might have

4:02

dodged a bullet. Sure. Then

4:05

her daughter showed up and it

4:07

was messy and lovely and I

4:09

couldn't believe it. Which you

4:11

know, that's what I love about Springfield and

4:13

a lot of comedy fans is whatever you

4:16

need, they will try their best to provide

4:18

it for you. And one

4:20

of Kenny's cousins heard that I needed

4:22

some ass and they were like, well, I

4:25

know this woman had not been to any other

4:27

shows. Nope. She just came to that one. Uh

4:29

huh. And, uh, she's a recent divorcee and she

4:31

needed some D. She told me this, but I

4:34

was like, all right, well, let's, the woman told

4:36

me this. I don't know if six

4:38

eyelashes said this to you, but she was like, I

4:40

think I'm gonna let them put it in my butt.

4:42

And I was like, Oh, Oh, I. She

4:46

was talking, she mentioned anal very early

4:48

in the conversation. I was

4:50

like, wow, it must be wild to

4:52

be white. You just offer an anal

4:54

up to people. And white

4:56

in like a, uh, like a safe

4:59

white place. Like this, it

5:01

doesn't, it doesn't get more safe white than that.

5:03

You can be as white as you want to

5:05

be in Springfield, Missouri for

5:07

better or for worse. For better or for

5:09

worse. It was wild. Cause

5:11

I couldn't believe she said that to me. She was like,

5:13

hi, hello. She introduced herself and she's like, and then she

5:15

literally pointed at you and she's like, I'm gonna let him

5:17

put it in my butt. And I said, wow. You

5:20

know, it's one of those, it's one of

5:22

those times because I was working. Like

5:25

if I had, if I had went up

5:27

earlier, maybe, but my boy had went

5:29

up earlier. So he had free time while I'm

5:31

up there singing, lean on me. He

5:34

putting it in her butt. You

5:38

know, this episode, what

5:41

do you like anal? No, no. I'm

5:43

saying anal sex while lean on me comes

5:45

on the playlist would be. Oh my God.

5:47

Sorry. It really would lean on.

5:49

Oh my God. You are leaning on me.

5:55

Oh, that is the, that might be the, do you like

5:57

anal? So, okay. This episode is coming out at the end

5:59

of pride month. It's the end

6:01

of pride and I gotta ask, are

6:04

you in, do you eat the booties like groceries

6:06

and do you like the booty? I have. I

6:09

have, I have eaten it like groceries.

6:11

Uh huh. No, I've eaten it

6:13

like, you know that snack you bring with you, cause you, like they

6:15

say don't go to the

6:18

grocery store hungry cause you gonna eat. Yeah. I'm

6:20

like sick like that, like that, like you destroy

6:22

that. So it's like, it's enough time in between

6:25

the next meal. But I go in. That's so

6:27

funny. I would love

6:29

for someone to eat my ass like they're peckish.

6:31

Like they're not fully hungry, but they're like, you

6:33

know what I mean? Right. Oh, I love a

6:35

hundred grand boy in the car. Let me finish

6:38

that so I don't know. Let

6:40

me nosh on that. Well,

6:42

I waited this like, um, so yeah,

6:45

no, I'm not, I'm not a guest. I

6:47

have never received it in

6:50

any type of way. I'm not,

6:52

you know, I just, I'm saving it

6:54

for marriage. Oh my God.

6:56

That's so sweet. I

6:58

do. Through sickness and

7:01

health, for booty licking and

7:03

snacking. I do. Yeah,

7:06

because it's just, I forever

7:08

end up, right? With

7:11

weaknesses. Yeah. Dude,

7:14

is that a sewing machine behind you? Oh

7:16

yeah. Do you sew? I do sew. That's

7:20

incredible. Okay. So

7:22

I love the idea of sewing. I

7:24

used to take things in when

7:27

I was younger and didn't have any money

7:29

to like go get things altered, but it's

7:31

so tedious. It is such a tedious thing

7:33

to do. I really have

7:35

to like load up and take my, take

7:37

my integral to focus. Prescribed.

7:41

Okay. Because when that, much

7:44

like sex, when it comes out of the,

7:47

when it comes out of the holder

7:49

and then you have to like, sometimes

7:51

this is a singer. This isn't even

7:53

my most expensive one, but

7:55

with this one, the thread will come

7:57

loose. sometimes and just the patience it

7:59

takes to get all that back together

8:01

and get back to what you were

8:03

doing. Someone takes a lot of energy and

8:06

a lot of concentration. It

8:08

does. What's one of the, what did

8:10

you make? Okay, so I started a sewing club during

8:12

like the end of COVID. I made a bag, a

8:15

dress, a tank top, and then I

8:17

was like, I want to make a

8:19

jumpsuit. Cut the whole pattern out. I

8:21

was like, I simply, I can't, there's

8:23

a lot. Cutting the patterns takes a

8:25

day, number one. It's so long. Don't

8:27

lose a piece or you fuck. Oh

8:29

God. Then you're just like, I don't

8:31

know. I just got all this creek

8:33

paper. But no, the

8:36

jumpsuit I wore on the don't

8:38

tell clip, I made that. Yeah,

8:41

so I cut the sleeves. I made

8:43

it with the sleeves, cut the sleeves

8:45

off, put the in because I cut.

8:48

Oh my God. I had some hamster fabric,

8:50

made it M. Nice

8:53

nice. I'm going to tell you

8:55

this, the ladies will be in your DMs after

8:57

this podcast being like, oh my God, do you

8:59

want to sew something for me? Oh

9:01

man. Do you want to, I can sew. Put it

9:03

together. I love that you, who taught you how to

9:06

sew? My stepmother before

9:08

she passed, she taught me. And she actually

9:10

got a couple sewing machines from her afterwards.

9:12

Yeah. She told me how to make

9:14

clothes. That's so nice and

9:17

a helpful skill. I was at

9:19

Joanne fabric. Yeah. Getting dye

9:21

because I wanted to dye this jumpsuit. I'm going to

9:23

try to do it myself. We're going

9:25

to see how it goes because you got to

9:27

cook it up. You got to put it in

9:29

boiling water. You got to have one of them

9:31

big yardsticks. You got to have a

9:33

big, you got to go to Menards, get a bucket

9:35

because they don't have them at Joanne fabric. You got

9:37

to go like, Michael's got them, but Joanne fabric. And

9:40

if they do have a bucket, it'll be one bucket

9:42

and it's $50. Joanne

9:44

fabric is like the airport. So

9:47

all this stuff is more expensive than Hobby

9:50

Lobby or Michaels. But

9:52

yeah, I tried to dye an

9:54

Adidas Trexis and it didn't quite

9:57

didn't quite turn. What

10:00

is it, Rit? That's like the staple

10:02

dye. Yep, yep. And I had

10:04

to order. I'm trying to, what color did it start?

10:06

Was it white? It was all white. Adidas

10:08

tracksuit. And I thought that would be used. What color were

10:10

you trying to dye it? Maroon. Huh.

10:14

I wanted Maroon. And it

10:16

just. Nah. It

10:18

didn't quite fully take. And I

10:20

tried two different, I tried to

10:22

like, there's like a permanent version

10:24

and another version. And I used

10:26

the liquid. Maybe if I used the powder and

10:28

mixed it, I might've hit harder, but I

10:31

just had to get rid of it. Okay, now I'm nervous

10:33

if I should just pay someone to do it

10:36

or if I should, I'm in my DIY era.

10:38

And it's not going well. It's

10:40

not going well. But it's just like

10:42

when you decide, oh,

10:44

I'm gonna make something I saw. Anthony, you

10:47

do a more damn thing, whatever. Like it's

10:49

more costly at the beginning, but it pays off later

10:51

on when you're like, oh, I didn't spend $300 to

10:53

make a $10 outfit. Okay,

10:58

I always spend $250. And

11:00

it gradually gets easier and easier. Okay,

11:03

what do you feel about, how do you feel about

11:05

hooking up when you're traveling? I

11:08

look forward to it. I

11:12

mean, it's just

11:14

a nice capper after a great set. Or

11:17

like, because it's, you know, I'm

11:19

in that phase where like, yes, I may do

11:21

a weekend here and there, but I'm in about a

11:23

one-nighter phase. So

11:26

to pull off traveling, killing,

11:29

and smashing is like, that's

11:31

a chef's kiss. That must feel

11:33

so good. So you

11:35

got chucklefuckers after you? It's, I've

11:38

had, not currently, because

11:40

I don't know if I'm talking about things that

11:42

conjure up, have sex with me. Like

11:45

I'm not Molly marijuana mushroom

11:47

guy all the time. But,

11:52

you know, New York was like, New

11:54

York was fucking Edenism though. It

11:57

was like- New York, I mean, the same thing.

11:59

When I was- my early 20s, it

12:01

was easy to find somebody for the night. Easy.

12:04

It was, it was, it

12:06

was certain bars are like, listen, if you're

12:08

still here at 2 a.m.,

12:11

it's understood. A

12:13

lot of the small talk is out of

12:16

the way. Out of the way, let's do

12:18

it. If you're talking to me, that's what's

12:20

going to happen. If I, you know, if

12:23

I, we haven't chosen already, or

12:25

both of us, or on four of us, something's

12:27

gonna happen. On four of us. Have you had

12:30

a foursome? Not had a,

12:32

well, no, three or most, three. Okay, I have

12:34

had a threesome. I didn't really love it. I

12:36

always felt like one person was like out, and

12:38

then I would start to feel bad, and be

12:40

like, oh no, it's just

12:42

too much work. It's rarely

12:44

an equilateral triangle. It's usually

12:46

isosceles, so two sides are

12:48

kind of equal. And then

12:50

one person's gonna get shorted.

12:53

This was more of a, I

12:55

don't know, I mean, some people are getwards,

12:58

right? So I can't say that other

13:01

person didn't get as much

13:03

as the other two, because I don't

13:05

know what they get out of giving. So

13:09

you can't just assume, okay, they weren't

13:11

getting rammed, or they didn't come,

13:13

or whatever, but they

13:15

may get a lot out of

13:17

just being a giver. Watching, or

13:20

just being involved. Right, right, because

13:22

we have different thresholds of satisfaction,

13:24

right? So we can't just say

13:27

everybody, oh, just because everybody came,

13:29

that means everybody's good. Some

13:31

people need to come three times. Some people don't

13:33

need to at all. Some people just wanna watch.

13:36

I love that you're like, some people need to

13:38

come three times. If I was with someone who

13:40

was like, oh, three times before we're done, I'd

13:42

be like, oh, well, I

13:44

mean, okay, I guess we could

13:46

go again and again. Yeah,

13:49

like, over time. But

13:52

women come a few times. They

13:54

do. Yeah, and those aren't equal either.

13:56

So it's like, all right, you came,

13:58

but did you... The one

14:00

that you want is like- But was it earth

14:03

shattering? Was it nice? Was it satisfying? Oh

14:06

my God, I was recently on

14:08

vacation. I went to, I thought it was

14:10

called Menorah. It is called Menorca. And the

14:12

Manic Customs laughed at me and was like,

14:14

I do not think you're going to a

14:16

place called Menorah. And I was like, well,

14:18

let me in the country. Obviously I'm not

14:21

a terrorist. I don't know what I'm telling.

14:23

You're not going on birthright. This is not

14:25

a Jewish getaway for teenagers. Yeah, it truly

14:27

isn't. So we were on this catamaran and

14:29

I was talking to this guy with a

14:31

jackass tattoo, already a red flag. And I

14:33

wasn't feeling it, but it's nice to be

14:35

flirted with. And he was like,

14:37

nice tats. And I was like, oh yeah? Where can

14:39

we get food after my friend Poonam was like, ask

14:41

him where we can get food. And I was like,

14:44

okay. I was like, what restaurants are near? And then

14:46

he was like, oh, do you like fish or meat?

14:48

And I was like, I like meat and fish. And

14:50

he went, wow, wow. And then

14:52

he started laughing. And then there was a sore on

14:54

his gum. And I was

14:56

like, oh no, sir. And

14:59

he has to know because the gums

15:01

are very sensitive. Very sensitive. And I

15:03

was like, you wouldn't catch me smiling

15:06

that one day if I had this

15:08

open sore on my gum. Oh my

15:10

god. And he just. It was, I

15:13

was like, no, thank you. I do like the

15:15

meat and fish riff stitchy.

15:17

Thank you. That's pretty

15:19

good. I was like, let's be flirty. Because

15:22

I was like, nothing's going to happen. I

15:24

also don't want anything to happen. I

15:27

was with my friend and it would just be

15:29

terrible to be like, bye bitch. But also maybe

15:31

she wouldn't mind. I don't know. I mean, yeah,

15:34

how do you feel about vacation

15:36

hookups? So when I

15:39

tour, I'm like, please be a

15:41

chuckle fucker in the crowd. Please.

15:43

And I've only done it once

15:45

successfully. I tried to hook up

15:47

with someone and then that didn't

15:49

go well. And they ended up leaving my room

15:51

midway through because they were like, I don't think

15:53

I'm into this. And I was like, then I'm

15:55

not into it. And

15:57

they also had gray eyes. And I was

16:00

like, are you a time traveler? still doing

16:02

color context. It was wild. And I was

16:04

like, truly not for me. Wait, OK, do

16:06

you think dating is easier in New York,

16:08

Chicago or L.A.? Oh,

16:11

I think New York is the easiest

16:14

because it's walkable. And like,

16:17

you know, you can be you get

16:19

off the train with somebody or walk. You

16:21

just happen to be walking the same place. It'll turn

16:23

into a date. You have the scenery. You have the

16:25

time together. You just like, oh, we just happen to

16:27

be. It's just so easy to date,

16:30

especially it's hard to be in a

16:33

relationship in New York, which

16:35

is it's almost perfect.

16:37

L.A. is perfect if you have

16:39

somebody. People

16:43

don't break up out here. They don't.

16:45

They don't, especially especially after the pandemic.

16:47

They do not. People do not. I'm

16:49

like, this is clearly bad for both

16:51

of you, but everybody's scared of, you

16:55

know, being alone, another pandemic,

16:57

another strike, another earthquake, they

16:59

do not. They refuse the

17:02

person has to move and then they consider moving,

17:04

too. But people do not break up. They

17:06

know it. They really don't. I

17:08

stayed in a situationship for almost two years.

17:11

And that's a long ass time. That's

17:13

a long situationship where I'm like,

17:15

I'm nothing to you. And they're

17:17

like, no. And I'm like, cool.

17:19

That's fine. I guess I won't

17:22

go anywhere. So

17:24

I can come over later, right? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

17:28

Wait, OK, so you believe in

17:30

soulmates, but you also believe that

17:32

your soulmate might already be dead.

17:34

Yes. Isn't it freeing? Doesn't

17:36

that make you go like, OK, that

17:39

takes the pressure off you to

17:41

like, you're not doing enough. You're not

17:44

the right side. You don't like the

17:46

right movies. You don't know all the Star Wars.

17:49

You're so many. It's just out of here. That's

17:52

funny, though, but also kind of

17:54

sad that it's like I may have missed

17:56

my soulmate because they just died too soon.

17:59

Situation. I'm not doing situationships, always there for you. Always.

18:04

Are they though? Oh my God, I saw the wildest. Wait,

18:07

are you saying that your situationship will has

18:10

dried up too? Oh, it is done. Me

18:13

too. I'm not doing situationships. Me

18:15

too. I would like to be in a relationship. If you are

18:17

not down to clown like that, I'm

18:19

not down to clown. Like I am putting

18:21

up boundaries. If I have to go to sleep at

18:23

night being like, do

18:25

you like me? I'm out. For that

18:28

reason, I am out. I

18:30

can't get me recently. I just can't do. I

18:33

just know right away if you fucking with me.

18:35

I'm not a slow burn as far as you

18:38

know me and if you're

18:40

into me right away. I've never had a woman be like,

18:44

oh, he's this or he's kind of that.

18:46

He's just like, no, he is the thing.

18:50

I know right away. So all this, one woman

18:52

was like, oh, I can get to be

18:54

physically into you. I was like, what

18:57

do you think? How do you, what

18:59

am I supposed to do with it? I could learn

19:01

to. I could learn to. That

19:04

is truly wild. I cannot believe someone

19:06

had that thought and then said it

19:08

out loud. That's an indoor

19:10

thought. That's nothing for outside. But

19:13

the people nowadays have no

19:15

intention of. And

19:18

I know it's a time shift with women than

19:20

I see like it's different with

19:23

flattering a man. Flattering

19:25

a man seems like betrayal to

19:28

your group chats. Ha! You

19:33

made a man feel good about himself. Like,

19:36

yeah, this is the guy that's. That's so funny. It's

19:39

the guy you're dating though. He should feel

19:41

good from you, like, ew. I

19:43

like to make someone I'm dating feel good

19:45

about themselves. I like to be like, you're

19:47

a cutie, dee dee dee dee. I

19:50

think that's fun. We enjoy it. And then it's

19:52

like, so it's like, why, okay, where

19:54

should I be getting that from? But that same person was

19:57

like, oh, we should be in a serious thing. I'm like,

19:59

you don't like me. I don't know if

20:01

you like men. Why are

20:03

you doing this? I'm good on paper.

20:05

Maybe it's like the whole nagging thing. Remember

20:07

the, what was that man? Mysterio? No.

20:11

He was like a magician or something. And he

20:14

was like, he wore a hat. A magician who wore

20:16

a hat, a pen and tiller? No. And

20:19

he was all like, you got to insult people. You

20:21

got to nag them. Yeah, but like

20:24

that don't work on men. I know

20:26

who you're talking about, but like, that's

20:29

just crazy to, at my big

20:31

age. I'm just like,

20:33

I see what I like. I know what I like.

20:36

I like you. I have no problem getting

20:38

compliments. Whatever you need. Like at this point, let's

20:40

just give each other what we need. Yeah. That's

20:43

how I feel. I do

20:45

feel like I date men who are like

20:47

into it for the first like month.

20:49

And they're like, boy, she's quirky and

20:52

she's a little weird. And then they're

20:54

like, wow, all her quirks and her

20:56

weirdness. I absolutely actually hate this. This

20:59

sucks. And then they're like, bye bye. And

21:01

I'm like, but, but you, I thought you

21:03

liked it. What's going on?

21:05

He was loving it. He was not just liked

21:08

it. You told me you loved it. Yes.

21:10

You were McDonald's. You were, I'm

21:12

loving it. Speaking

21:15

of which, I like Dominant. Let's,

21:18

let's just put that out there. Okay. He's a

21:20

Dom. No, I'm a,

21:22

I'm the sub. I think I'm the sub. If I

21:24

like, I like Dominant women. I like women.

21:26

Wait, if you, if you like dominating

21:28

women, then you're a Dom. But if you

21:30

like being dominated by women, you're a sub.

21:34

Oh, no, no, no. I like women who are like. Dominant.

21:37

Who are dominant. So I guess I'm. Okay.

21:40

Yes. You're a sub. I'm the undercard. Mm hmm. Kind

21:43

of doing the long distance thing. It was hot and

21:46

heavy. We did the sexting and all that great stuff.

21:48

Mm hmm. And I was just like, you know,

21:50

I was just like, I'm, I didn't mean it, but I was

21:52

like, I got to cut this off because she was. She

21:55

had some stuff with like ex-husband and all

21:57

of that. And I was just trying to

21:59

downplay how great. The lead up was like,

22:01

you know, that was cool. You know, I

22:03

liked us, everything that we were doing. She

22:05

was like, like, you fucking

22:07

loved it. And I was just like, all right,

22:09

let's keep doing this for her. Ha

22:11

ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

22:14

ha ha ha ha ha. She had never talked

22:16

like that to me before. And she was like,

22:18

what do you mean like, you fucking loved it.

22:20

And I was like, man, I can't let this

22:22

go. Hey, that's hot.

22:24

Because that wasn't even in person. It was

22:26

over the phone. And she

22:28

refused. Even if I came

22:31

up with a good reason why we should stop. She

22:33

wasn't going to accept no bullshit. Like, oh, I wasn't

22:35

really into it. She like, fucking loved

22:38

it. All of it. And then what

22:40

happened? We just kept doing that. Then I went to

22:42

Boston where she was in. I was in New York.

22:44

She was in Boston. Because

22:46

we hadn't even seen each other, you know,

22:49

at all. This was all fun. Wait,

22:51

how long did you date over the phone?

22:53

This is like mystifying for me. How long

22:55

did you date long distance over the phone?

22:57

This was like, I want to

22:59

say the whole arc of the thing was about two

23:02

years. Two years?

23:05

Yeah. And I didn't go to

23:07

Boston to see her maybe until a

23:10

year. So it would

23:12

be like, you know, exhibitionism,

23:14

let me see it type

23:16

shit, FaceTime. She was

23:18

fucking hot. And. OK,

23:20

so after you met, were you like, OK,

23:23

this is who I've been talking to? Were

23:26

you like, this is a different

23:28

person? No, in person, it was

23:30

it was as advertised. As

23:33

advertised. So everything was just like

23:35

I thought it would be. And then we

23:38

just had this weird communication where I ended

23:40

up leaving early because I think

23:44

I got a little like scared.

23:48

So I made up I kind

23:51

of made up an argument. And we weren't in a

23:53

position where we could just like, you

23:55

know, fuck your way out of disagreement. We

23:58

were already out in public. So. doing

26:00

it first, I said I was gonna write some stuff for you. I

26:03

ended up saying like, oh, you can't write these, you

26:05

can't tell me these, these are my perspective. I'll try

26:07

it. And I did it at his open mic and

26:10

here we are. That's so wild

26:12

that you're like, man, I'll just try it. Yeah.

26:15

Wait, you, wait, hold on real quick. We gotta take

26:17

a break. B-bop, boobop, we're

26:19

back. Okay,

26:27

so you've done so much standup. You

26:29

performed on the Naked show where you

26:31

have to perform naked, what the fuck

26:33

was that like? Because I feel like

26:35

comedy is kind of being naked anyway.

26:37

And that's exactly what it was

26:39

because it would have

26:42

felt weird to link anybody, you're

26:44

not thinking about that. You lock so much

26:46

into your set and being

26:48

funny because you're not thinking about what, did

26:50

you wear the right shoes? Did you wear

26:52

the right shirt? Like how are you presenting?

26:54

You're not thinking about in your as bare

26:57

as possible. So it made

26:59

the comedy even more vulnerable and

27:01

like funny and revealing. Like I

27:03

got like three new bits. Cause

27:05

I was just like, I'm like as exposed as I

27:07

can be. And now I like my body at the

27:10

time I did it a lot too. So that helped.

27:15

I don't think I could do it.

27:17

Just like when my little flap jacks out,

27:20

I simply don't think I could. I could Winnie

27:22

the Pooh it. I have no problem. The

27:25

pussy is nice, it's fine. Oh, just a big

27:27

red polo. Just a

27:29

big red polo, no underwear with

27:31

my little, my little bowl of honey. Say

27:34

you want to hear these jokes? The

27:37

microphone is just a spoon ladle, just a big

27:39

ladle. No,

27:42

some of the audience was naked too. So

27:45

that helped as well. Where was this

27:47

show? Take one guess. Brooklyn?

27:50

Creek in the Cave. Oh,

27:52

okay. Yeah, yeah. That checks out. That

27:54

checks out, yeah. So

27:56

Playgirl was there. I was in

27:58

Playgirl magazine. I'm

32:00

not even old, same age, but they would

32:02

just be way more extreme. Okay, she was

32:04

a little fast. Yeah, another girl, I've never,

32:06

I have these strange distinct memories

32:08

of a girl, like, we had

32:11

transferred there. And she was like, yeah,

32:13

we're going to Sebastian and put it in my plate. I was

32:15

like, what? This is eighth grade.

32:17

They doing butt stuff in eighth grade? Doing

32:20

butt stuff in eighth grade. They were, I wasn't.

32:23

I didn't know anything about that. I was like, I

32:25

can't skip past the pussy. You're

32:29

like, the first stuff's gotta be the most.

32:31

I don't want to Vaseline up your butt.

32:33

You can't go mouth to ass in 12

32:36

or 12. That's

32:39

wild. I, in eighth grade, was truly

32:41

still lamenting over the fact that we

32:43

didn't have recess. I was never getting

32:45

to middle school being like, what is

32:47

this horse shit? I can't go outside

32:49

all fucking day. That was my biggest

32:51

thing. School all day? This

32:54

is trash, I'm out. I hate

32:56

this. Wait, speaking of school. So

32:58

freshman year of high school, you joined

33:01

the ballet team? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah,

33:03

yeah, yes, yes. To try

33:05

to lose virginity. I was like,

33:08

that's, they, I mean, the

33:10

Guys and Dolls dance it was just

33:13

the, it was no. Not across, not

33:15

just our high school, across the high

33:18

school network. It was like, yo, get

33:20

your guys and dolls, girl. So I'm like, I'm

33:23

a dreamer. Let me try to get the

33:25

bad. If I'm gonna lose my virginity, let

33:27

me lose it to a baddie. And I

33:29

ended up falling in love with dance. I

33:34

didn't fuck none of them. That's so funny.

33:36

You're like, I didn't get none, but I

33:38

did get the gift of dance. Yeah, I

33:40

did find it in passion. So,

33:44

so yeah, so like, I just, I

33:46

just like being around. And that just, it

33:48

was so wild, like, because dudes

33:51

are like, why aren't you, I

33:53

never been nervous around with it.

33:56

And that's what I think even, I didn't even have

33:58

a sense with just the fact that I was not

34:00

nervous. around these gorgeous, and some

34:02

of them were seniors. So you're a freshman,

34:04

and you got these model-looking. I just posted

34:07

the photo on my Instagram story. Like, these

34:09

ones look like models. And I was just

34:11

like, you know, hey, whatever. I'm Clark. Uh-huh.

34:13

Type shit. I met

34:15

a man the other day who was very

34:18

attractive, and I lost my mind. I

34:20

was like, oh my god, hello? I

34:22

like, couldn't speak. It was so

34:24

dumb. What was his presence? Like,

34:27

what is, give me a general idea of what this kind

34:29

of man looks like that would intimidate you? So

34:32

he was tall. He had, like,

34:34

olive-y skin that was, like, recently

34:36

tanned, dark hair. I don't

34:39

know what color. Maybe hazel eyes. He

34:42

wasn't, like, big, but he wasn't little. But

34:44

he was so tall. And then he had, like,

34:47

this deep voice. And he was just

34:49

like, hello, how are you? And I was like,

34:51

oh my god, I'm really good. Thank you so

34:53

much. Wait. OK. A

34:56

voice, though, a voice really can turn a woman

34:58

off. Oh, a voice. A

35:01

voice can do it. A voice, smell. A

35:03

voice, a smell, hair. There's

35:05

good butt. Like, there's so many

35:07

things that you're like, oh my

35:09

god. I'm learning so much. Yes,

35:13

yes. Oh my god. I

35:15

went on a date with somebody, and I was like,

35:18

oh, I think I like them. And

35:20

I just could not stop, like,

35:23

I, like, showed up late because

35:25

I'm constantly late for things. And

35:27

I, like, sat down. I was like, I'm so sorry. I

35:29

was like, blah, blah, blah, blah. I was talking, like, a

35:31

mile a minute. And they were like, hey, just, you two

35:33

just calm down. No worries. And that did it. I was

35:36

like, oh my god. I'll suck

35:38

your dick under the table. Just

35:40

being kind and nice and being like,

35:42

you're OK. I was like, ah. Just

35:45

something about understanding. Get the panties

35:48

right off. I mean, yes.

35:51

Just relax. Getting you to relax

35:53

without telling you to relax. Yes.

35:56

See? I'm learning. I'm learning. Do it. Because

35:58

I'm doing it. I'm always going a mile

36:00

a minute. I'm like, Sonic, I got to

36:03

need for speed. I just move too fast.

36:05

And when someone can see that and

36:08

go, hey, you're okay.

36:11

That is the, it's the nicest thing someone

36:13

can do. It, that energy

36:15

of like, yeah, it's not that, especially

36:18

because of the anxiety, right?

36:21

As time keeps, seems to be leaping forward, but

36:23

I'm late and it's just like 205, 215, 240.

36:28

I'm just like, they're going to hate me. And

36:30

then they just go like, no, it's okay. I

36:32

went to the flower shop next door, looked around

36:35

a little bit. I figured, I figured when they

36:37

go, I figured it, you didn't do that. I

36:39

figured something happened. Like, yeah, it was an accident.

36:41

And I'm telling them the truth. And they're like,

36:43

yeah, I see you. I don't think

36:45

he would do that. And I'm like, you get it.

36:48

You get it. It's so nice.

36:50

I love it so much.

36:53

I will eat your pussy under the table right now. Ha

36:56

ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

36:58

ha ha ha ha ha ha. I

37:00

was talking to my therapist cause I

37:02

like recently went on a date where I was

37:05

like, and I told my therapist, I was like,

37:07

I was just so nervous. And I don't know

37:09

why I was so nervous. I just had this

37:11

like anxiety and my stomach hurt. And she was

37:13

like, well, you're like nervous about like what might

37:15

happen. And she was like, I

37:18

want you to like do jumping jacks

37:20

or like do something to like get

37:22

that nervous energy out. And

37:24

then before this other date that I had, I

37:26

did that. But then the car ride

37:28

over the anxiety happened again. And I was like,

37:30

oh, I can't do jumping jacks in a Prius.

37:34

So I don't know how to do this.

37:36

Kegels, anything. You gotta do something sort of.

37:38

Maybe I'll do that. Squeeze it.

37:41

Squeeze. It's just,

37:43

yeah, I like getting excited.

37:46

And I know it's as bad as it's gotten,

37:48

where it's like, oh, you got too excited or

37:51

you put too much into it. Like

37:53

the adrenaline rush of being

37:55

excited out to

37:58

meet somebody, even. And

38:00

if it's different in an hour, whatever,

38:02

that's the best drill, to

38:06

be excited about another person. It

38:08

is so nice and it's exciting and I

38:10

like it. I

38:13

matched with this dude on Hinge and

38:16

I like sometimes I have a hard

38:18

time with like details, but I was

38:20

like, I'm gonna actually look at this

38:22

person's profile. And in their like

38:24

relationship goals, it was like still figuring it

38:26

out. And I was like, how are you

38:28

37 years old, still

38:32

trying to figure out what

38:34

your dating goals are? Just

38:37

say it, say it, you're looking for pussy

38:39

and that's it. No, what?

38:41

Yes, yes. And I can, a

38:44

woman who I matched with told

38:47

me that, now

38:49

she didn't wanna go out with me, but she

38:51

wanted to, she gave me some advice. She was

38:53

like, you can't be your age,

38:55

still talking about still figuring it out. Either

38:58

decide, pick one or the other and

39:01

both will help you, right?

39:04

But still figuring it out, you gonna

39:06

miss way more shots. So like, and

39:08

then we just, we never talked again,

39:10

but she was just like this little

39:12

like kind of black. She

39:17

was like, hello, here's my pot of gold,

39:19

a little advice for you. If

39:22

you can say my name three times. But

39:25

no, we just never, I just was

39:27

like, it needs to

39:29

be helpful. Like my dating, my swiping

39:32

gang has leveled up since I

39:34

put exactly what I wanted. I

39:36

mean, it is helpful. Cause truly I

39:38

was like, I don't wanna be

39:40

the person to help you figure out what your

39:42

goal is. Because it's like, if I invest time

39:45

and then your goal is, oh, I don't want

39:47

a girlfriend, then it's like, well, what? Waste.

39:50

Because I wanna be in a

39:52

relationship, I want a boyfriend. So

39:54

like, why would I go out with you?

39:57

Who don't know this person who doesn't know.

39:59

It's crazy. I can't do that.

40:01

Okay, we have to take one

40:04

more break. And

40:06

it's so funny. I

40:12

had a friend's mother tell me, she was like,

40:15

listen to men, they will always tell you the

40:17

truth. Do you think that's true? If

40:20

listen to me and you're dating? Yeah,

40:22

like I, my situationship, I think three months

40:24

in, he was like, I don't want to

40:27

be in a relationship because I'm scared. And

40:29

I said, I will spend the next year

40:31

and a half convincing you that you do

40:33

want to be in a relationship. Oh no,

40:35

men can only be convinced of something for

40:37

a short period of time. Decisions

40:41

that we make are a

40:43

lifetime. I made a decision, I'm

40:45

a lifer in comedy. I made a decision

40:48

that I will go back to, I'll make

40:50

it back to LA. If

40:53

you can convince him to make the

40:55

decision on his own, that's different. But

40:58

just convincing him to go with

41:00

your decision, temporary every single time.

41:02

Boy, oh boy, well, I'll tell

41:04

you something. I never got to,

41:06

I never even got a temporary,

41:09

okay. It was a resounding no

41:11

each time. I was like, but don't you

41:13

wanna? And then I'd be like, well,

41:15

I guess I'll just act like a girlfriend and

41:17

you'll act like a boyfriend. And it's gonna be

41:19

amazing. Has a

41:22

man ever specifically said, hey,

41:26

this thing about you is why it won't work? Or

41:29

has it always been, I'm not ready, my mind is

41:31

not, I gotta do this, I gotta do that. Has

41:34

he ever been like, look, the fact that you do

41:36

this or the fact that you do this is the

41:38

reason why I can't date you any further? No,

41:43

let's see. There was one guy who was like, I

41:45

don't know if I believe in monogamy. And then there

41:47

was another who was like, my ex-girlfriend

41:49

came back to town. And then there

41:52

was another who was like, I just

41:54

need to concentrate on tennis. And

41:56

then there was. Oh, what? Andy.

44:00

me home. And then I was so mad

44:02

that I drove this man home at like

44:04

1am. And I was like, I could be

44:06

in bed. Why did I do this? Because

44:09

there's a, is there a power in that?

44:11

In that like you're

44:13

in control of the situation. If you're driving

44:15

somebody home, if you're doing things for people,

44:18

it just seems like a, for me,

44:20

it's always been even,

44:22

you know, matter how inconvenient it is. It

44:25

still gives me some sort of power that

44:27

I'm going out of my way and doing

44:29

all these things. And then in my most

44:32

toxic, I would fault them for not appreciating

44:34

it. This thing that they didn't even ask

44:36

for. Hmm.

44:39

I, my ADHD really gets a, throws a wrench

44:41

in that if that's what my brain's trying to

44:43

do. Cause I will forget what I've done, but

44:45

I will, I think I do it.

44:48

I think it might be

44:50

like a little bit of manipulation to be like, well,

44:52

you'll like me more if I do this nice thing

44:54

for you, right? Right. Yes. I

44:57

just want you to like me, which

44:59

is my therapist and I are working

45:01

on boundaries, which I, I lack, I

45:03

lack a lot of boundaries. But how

45:05

do you do that? How do you

45:07

get, how do you kill

45:10

the desire to just be like,

45:15

my friend, Jimmy told me, he,

45:19

he said what I used

45:21

to do in the beginning of my

45:23

relationship, he was like, I would just

45:25

go, what would a normal person do

45:27

before reacting? And I have been trying

45:29

to stop and

45:31

go, what would a normal

45:33

person do in this situation? Ah,

45:35

they would not spin

45:37

out. They would not double text this

45:40

person. They would just wait because this

45:42

person has a life and

45:44

they're living it and they'll get back to

45:46

you when they can. And if

45:49

it takes days, maybe that's time for you

45:51

to move on because they're not answering you

45:53

in, in a way that feels great.

45:55

Or you can say, Hey, it took a

45:57

couple of days for you to respond. I'm

54:00

gonna fly back. Oh, I

54:02

guess maybe that is an answer. That

54:04

is definitely an answer. Clark, okay,

54:07

what are you looking for in a woman?

54:10

What am I looking for? Mm-hmm.

54:15

Oh, man, that's a good question. I'm

54:17

looking, I like, okay, I know I

54:19

don't like close-mindedness.

54:23

But I'm looking to be

54:27

able to talk to somebody in the conversation

54:29

and the gender wars never come up. Okay.

54:33

Because I feel like that's just such a terrible... All right,

54:35

we have nothing else to talk about. Let's talk about how

54:38

men are trash or how women are trash. And

54:40

that's just like, I just want to

54:42

get so lost in what we discuss

54:45

that the rigmarole don't even come

54:47

up. That would be

54:49

great. Okay. That's it? That's

54:53

it? My view on it is

54:56

every package is different. So I

54:58

knew it when I see it. That's all I could say. I

55:01

know it when I see it. Okay. Is

55:03

that okay? Did I tow the line? Yes.

55:06

I towed it. Yeah, that is good, that

55:08

is good, that is good. I

55:10

know when I see it. Rusta,

55:12

rusta. I don't know when

55:14

I see it. It

55:17

takes one, two,

55:19

maybe three dates before I'm like, oh,

55:23

now I see it. Because

55:26

I've got my walls up and I've got my

55:28

little border where I'm like, don't penetrate. I remember

55:30

I went on a date with someone and I

55:32

was like, he touched my leg and all I

55:35

could think was, why is he touching my leg?

55:37

And I was like, oh wait, because he is

55:39

into me. And I had to be like, okay,

55:41

that's okay. That's

55:43

wild to me that you would feel like

55:45

that because the energy you

55:47

put out is like, yeah, let's go.

55:50

But you're like, why does he do

55:52

this? Because I know how

55:54

to fuck. I know how to do that. I don't

55:56

know how to relationship and I don't know how to be

55:58

vulnerable. on a journey and

56:01

learning how to do that. A

56:03

journey of learning. Oh man.

56:05

Journey of learning, we're all on

56:07

a journey. Okay, Clark, we have

56:09

reached the end. Damn. I

56:11

do ask all my guests this, I've missed it a couple

56:14

of times, but would you date me? Absolutely.

56:17

Yeah. Absolutely, of course. Of

56:20

course. Would you date me?

56:22

I, yes, I think you're very, very

56:24

wonderful and you're funny and when you're

56:26

on Molly, you're very, very funny. And

56:28

you could sew me things. I

56:31

would, I would love to make you anything

56:33

that you want me to make you. Really?

56:35

Because I'm gonna go back to Joanne Fabrics

56:37

and get this denim material with bumblebees on

56:39

it. Just get the fabric, get all the, what

56:41

do they call, the flourishes and I'll

56:44

put it together. Oh my

56:46

God, Clark, I would love that. Would

56:48

you like me? Yes,

56:50

I would like you. No,

56:54

but I would do it because I wanted to.

56:56

No, I would love you. Okay, all right. Yeah,

56:58

wow. All right, cool.

57:00

That callback took me a fucking

57:03

minute. You were throwing like, what?

57:06

Truly, I was like, yeah, I'd like it, yeah.

57:08

Wait, Clark, do you, do you have anything

57:10

you want to promote? So

57:14

June 30th, I'll be at the riot

57:16

in Houston, let's say

57:18

Sunday night. So anybody in a

57:20

Texas area, Dallas, Fort Worth, pull

57:23

up. Yeah, that'll be right after

57:26

this show, so

57:30

that same weekend I believe. And then I got a bunch

57:32

of gigs, just follow me. Follow

57:34

my socials. What is it? Clark

57:36

LaRue Jones on

57:39

every day, Clark LaRue Jones.

57:41

Clark, thank you so

57:43

much for being here. Can

57:45

I share one thing before we go? Yes.

57:49

Because they say you should give advice or something.

57:51

And this is something that changed my life. About

57:55

like, you know, people who think, why

57:57

do I always attract a certain type of toxic?

58:00

And I'm sure you've heard this before too, about

58:04

somebody talking about, look, it's you

58:06

don't attract certain types of

58:09

people. Those people latch onto

58:11

anything that they can latch onto. Other

58:13

people just have boundaries. You

58:17

just have the most tolerance and

58:19

patience for the quote unquote wrong

58:21

person. Everybody else, yeah, they tried

58:23

them too, but those people dismissed

58:25

them. You're just the tolerant patient

58:27

person. And you think like, oh,

58:30

I only attract this. It's like, no, you

58:32

just only allow that. And

58:35

that's been my time y'all. I gotta get out of

58:37

here. We gotta go face it. Clark. Right

58:40

here on the show. That was wild. You're

58:42

right. It's what you allow. If you allow

58:44

yourself to be treated like shit, you're gonna

58:46

get treated like shit. Those people go

58:49

after everybody. It's not you just attracting

58:51

that wrong person. You're

58:53

not the, you're not a creep magnet.

58:56

No, you're just allowing it.

58:59

Longer than those other seven women he texts. Wow.

59:03

Well, Clark, that's it. That's

59:05

what it is. Thank you so much for being here. Thank

59:07

you for having me. Of course. And if you liked

59:09

this episode of, why won't you date me? You could like

59:12

it, you could rate it. You could subscribe and give me

59:14

five stars on Apple Podcasts. And if you wanna write me

59:16

something nasty hitting on me, you

59:18

could write it to whywon't

59:21

youdatemeatgmail.com. Why won't youdatemepodcastatgmail.com, sorry.

59:23

What did I say? Whywon'tyoudatemeatgmail.com.

59:26

Oh no, it's whywon't youdatemepodcastatgmail.com.

59:29

Thank you, Mars. Okay, this is

59:31

a quick one. This is a nice one. I

59:34

wanna dress you up like a pig and

59:36

fill you with coins. When I need money,

59:38

I'll just squeeze you and yell, come for

59:40

me, you Peppa Pig slut. Ha ha ha

59:42

ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Bye-bye.

59:46

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

59:49

ha ha ha ha ha ha. Oh,

59:51

that's funny. Why

59:54

won't youdatemewithNicoleByer is produced by me,

59:56

Mars. It's

59:58

executive produced by Apple. Adam Sachs, Nick

1:00:01

Liao, and Jeff Ross at Team Coco.

1:00:03

With talent bookings by Paula Davis,

1:00:06

Gina Bautista, and Maddie Ogden. Got

1:00:09

a question, crazy dating story, or a

1:00:11

dirty message for Nicole? Write

1:00:13

it to whywontyoudatemepodcasts@gmail.com for a chance to

1:00:15

have it featured on a future show.

1:00:18

Thanks for listening. We'll see you next

1:00:20

week with a brand new episode. Dee

1:00:22

doo boo boo bop buh bye. This

1:00:27

has been a Team Coco

1:00:29

production.