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1:08

Why won't you date

1:10

me? Why won't you

1:12

date me? Why won't

1:14

you date me? Please

1:16

tell me why. Oh

1:24

baby, welcome to another episode of Why Won't

1:26

You Date Me, a podcast where me and Nicole

1:28

Byer tries to figure out why I'm still single.

1:31

Well, I used to be trying to figure it

1:33

out. But guess what? I don't fucking know. So

1:35

now I'm just talking to people, having a nice

1:37

time, being sad about being single, but also really

1:40

valuing my meaningful friendships. My

1:42

guest today is a hilarious comedian, host

1:44

of the podcast Stabby's World. His

1:46

new comedy special Fat Rascal is

1:49

now streaming on Netflix. It

1:51

is Starbros. How he

1:54

is. You got it. You were

1:56

crushing it before. You had it. I just got

1:58

so nervous. I wrote

2:00

it down phonetically and then I was

2:02

like trying to glance at it without

2:04

like letting you know And

2:07

then I really fucked it up Sabras,

2:10

how are you? Good. How are you doing?

2:12

Thanks for having me. Listen, I'm

2:14

thriving. I'm great. I love

2:16

life This

2:19

is 2024 all our dreams are coming true

2:21

this year. It's you're a little too positive

2:23

It sounds like you're trying to convince yourself

2:26

Is everything all right? Are you already

2:28

spiraling? Well,

2:30

you know, uh, we're we're

2:33

just into january i'm still single. I don't know

2:35

if i'm ever gonna have a job again Uh,

2:38

you know Wait,

2:41

sabras, are you single? Are you married? Are

2:43

you dating? I'm pretty single. Yeah, i'm single

2:46

as hell to be honest with you I'm

2:48

just out here. Are you on the app?

2:50

I'm kind of on the app. So i'm just out here

2:53

What I like to say is i'm just i'm out

2:55

on the breeze just getting my titty sucked town

2:57

to town, you know Not really worried about it

3:00

not really thinking about what's

3:02

going on. Uh, relationship wise. Okay I've

3:04

been on i've been touring for two

3:06

years So it's been like,

3:09

uh, you know, it's kind of you give

3:11

yourself the excuse of like well, I can't

3:13

be in a relationship I have I

3:15

have to travel I have to go town to town and

3:18

tell people about you know times I

3:20

busted too fast and uh,

3:22

you know No Although

3:25

oh how fucked up my family is you know,

3:27

all that kind of stuff. So i'm out here.

3:30

I'm not really This is

3:32

the first i've had a couple weeks off and it's kind of

3:34

sinking in i'm like damn Should I

3:36

live my life this way, you know, I don't know if

3:38

you feel this way But it's like all

3:40

my like not all my friends But more

3:42

and more of my friends are getting married

3:44

having kids. So it's like it's

3:47

kind of the first It's kind

3:49

of the first time where i'm like, oh Like

3:52

is should I be doing this i'm

3:54

being dragged into thinking about being in

3:56

a serious relationship kind of the

3:58

way i've been dragged into every part

4:01

of my adult life.

4:03

It's like I moved to New York maybe a little

4:05

too late. Not too late, but

4:07

I was in my mid-20s, but I knew I wanted to do

4:09

comedy, but I was too scared to move.

4:14

Everything is just kind of... Everything is

4:16

just... I just follow the lead of my friends who

4:18

get into who do everything before me.

4:21

Now those motherfuckers are married and having kids. So

4:23

I'm like, is that...

4:25

Because it's getting close. There's nothing worse

4:28

than an old guy that's still trying

4:30

to get pussy like he's young. You

4:33

know what I mean? That's like a really... Yeah,

4:35

but you're a comic. Yeah, but that's like... I

4:37

feel like... No, Nicole, that's what they

4:40

tell themselves. You don't want to

4:42

be... I don't want to name any names, but off mic,

4:44

I can tell you a couple of guys I don't want

4:46

to be. You know what I mean? You just don't

4:48

want to be that guy. You don't

4:50

want to be the guy with like

4:53

veneers trying to fuck the hostess at a sushi

4:55

restaurant showing her. You know what I mean? You

4:57

don't want to be that guy. You just don't

4:59

want to be that guy. That's so specific and

5:02

I fucking love it. You don't want to be

5:04

the guy with a veneer trying to fuck

5:06

the hostess. Wait, stop. Are you at

5:08

home right now? I am. I'm actually

5:10

in Baltimore. So I grew up here

5:12

and I'm visiting, doing a little extended

5:14

visit, doing an extended

5:16

visit back in town. Yep.

5:19

That's nice. Because I was like, you live in

5:21

New York with a staircase? You're doing really well.

5:23

No, no. You got to be Matt Damon

5:25

to have a fucking staircase in New York.

5:27

I don't have an internal staircase, Nicole. Come

5:30

on. That's

5:32

crazy. I was like, I mean, maybe you

5:34

don't need a partner. You got a staircase. You're

5:36

doing fucking well. If I had an internal staircase

5:38

in New York, I'd have a harem. I wouldn't

5:40

have like a wife. I'd have like a like

5:43

seven. I'd be like

5:45

in a weird type of polycule. I

5:47

sometimes think about that. I'm like, what if I just

5:49

get like old and weird and have

5:52

just like a bunch of people around

5:54

that fuck me because I have money

5:56

and I take them places. Right. Well,

5:58

that's the thing. a decision

6:00

like, are you going to go, are you

6:02

going to try and go tradition? Are we going to,

6:04

you know, or me, it sounds like we're the same

6:06

boat, right? Couple girl boxes.

6:09

Yeah, single. Too addicted to our

6:11

careers, you know what I mean? So are we

6:13

going to make that hard turn and go tradition

6:15

or are we going to, because another move that

6:17

I've been thinking about is cool

6:20

uncle, right? Like, okay. Like

6:22

aunt, uncle, whatever, like not

6:25

still, not a complete degenerate.

6:28

You still pop in, you still, people

6:31

still want you around their family, but you're

6:33

an integral part of the family, right? Where

6:36

it's like, you're the uncle that like buys,

6:38

you know, I'll

6:40

buy a nephew like a toy I know

6:42

he's not allowed to have, right? Or like

6:45

a new shoes that they explicitly said she

6:48

can't have. Like you come around, you let

6:50

them see how you're living, you let them do some

6:52

cool shit, you pop in, you pop out. They

6:56

know, you know, you're the big city

6:58

relative where they have, you know, they come

7:00

visit you once every six months. And

7:02

then it's like, they call you Mr. New York. Yeah.

7:06

Yeah. We get matching jackets

7:08

and say Mr. New York on the back. You

7:12

could go that way. You could be the cool uncle where

7:14

it's like you're kind of splitting the difference, cool aunt where

7:16

you're splitting the difference. You're still a part of the family,

7:18

but you're still a little bit, a little weird. Or

7:21

like you're saying, maybe just go all the

7:23

fucking way. Silk robes. You

7:25

know what I mean? A lot of expensive,

7:27

you know, vintage

7:30

carpeting. Yeah, carpet on

7:32

the wall, carpet on the ceiling. A

7:36

couple different fuck rooms. Weird tarts.

7:38

Yeah, exactly. Little eyes wide shut

7:40

situation. And I don't- I'm into it.

7:43

I don't know that I'm built like that. I think that's a

7:45

little much for me. I don't

7:47

want to- It's a lot. Yeah. I

7:50

think I'm either A or B. I think I'm going to

7:52

go find a nice gal,

7:54

you know, settle down at some point

7:56

or cool uncle, you

7:58

know, maybe with a- Maybe

8:00

you can do both. Maybe you can be the cool uncle

8:02

who is it. I think you can do both, especially if

8:05

you don't want kids. I don't want kids. I want a

8:07

partner. I'd love to see the

8:09

cool auntie with her partner.

8:12

They drop into town. They're lots of

8:14

fun. Then they fucking leave. So, wait.

8:17

You're Greek. I am. Do you

8:19

know? Correct. Stop, Rosie. You're

8:23

great? Correct. Do

8:25

you feel pressure from your family to find

8:27

someone and settle down? I

8:30

think I got pretty lucky where

8:33

some of the oldest, but my younger

8:35

brothers, I have two brothers.

8:37

They're fraternal twins. They're two years younger than me.

8:39

We have a nice kind of spread where both

8:42

of my brothers are married. One

8:46

is the traditional. He

8:48

wants kids. He's a family man. He's

8:50

just such a nice sweetheart.

8:52

He looks after. He's

8:55

excited to look after

8:57

our mom as she ages. You know what I mean?

9:01

There will be no fighting over where

9:03

mom stays. It's like, she's going with Nick.

9:05

You know what I mean? We're

9:08

building an in-law suite. He's

9:12

got all the pressure

9:15

of, we

9:17

know this fucking guy's going to bring us a

9:19

grandkid any day now. They

9:22

can back off me. My other

9:25

brother, he's an artist. He's like a

9:27

visual artist. He's maybe even more out there

9:29

than me. I think my parents are just

9:31

happy he found someone. They're

9:33

like, just, he's good. I'm

9:38

coming through with a couple nice Christmas gifts.

9:40

We're buying a couple cars. We're

9:43

paying off a couple debts. That buys

9:45

you a lot of time when it comes

9:48

to having to bring a grandkid. I've

9:51

almost bribed my mother out of

9:54

guilting me about why I'm not married. As

9:57

long as the ticket sales are good, Nicole, I

10:00

think I'm... Okay with my family, but it's

10:02

definitely out. It's definitely gonna start happening. That's

10:04

great though You're just like I paid off

10:06

your credit card bill this month Don't

10:09

come to me with this bullshit off my dick mom

10:12

figure it out One

10:15

time I did tell her I was she was like she was

10:17

Earlier she was like what's happened? Nothing

10:19

was going on my career and

10:21

she was just like so what's going on you get

10:24

a you know I really want grandkids and I was

10:26

like I basically was like well look I could get

10:28

yet the grandkid But do you want to

10:30

look after it? I

10:35

will be a deadbeat father and you can

10:37

why you can raise my child if that's

10:39

what you need do it I can produce

10:46

If that's all you want just a child

10:48

I can do that, but if you want

10:50

someone to provide for it I'm not the

10:52

person you know outsource that to yourself. Yeah.

10:54

Yeah. Yeah, and so she didn't take money

10:57

Yeah, are you first

10:59

generation Greek? I was the

11:01

first one born here in my family Yeah, so

11:03

my friends came in the 80s where in Greece

11:05

are they from my dad's from Athens? And

11:08

my mom is from like Northern Greece. She moved around

11:10

her family moved around a lot My

11:13

grandfather was just kind of always like

11:16

truly traveling for work in like a

11:18

very Almost like post

11:20

like post Great Depression way where

11:22

it's like pack up kids were moving

11:24

80 miles They opened a

11:26

new factory 80 miles away Uh-huh in

11:28

fact the way her family came to

11:30

America is my grandfather was looking

11:32

for work Here's here's this this is

11:34

story that shows you how much? How

11:37

much say the wife had in the

11:39

Greek family in the 1950s and

11:42

60s where um he was looking

11:44

for work in Greece? Some

11:46

guy offers him the job offers him a job.

11:48

He's like it pays this much This is the

11:50

job you need to do and it's like twice

11:52

his pay. It's an incredible It's like an incredible

11:55

thing and he's like great. Where is it? We're

11:57

sweet. I'll start tomorrow, and he's like oh, it's

11:59

in Baltimore. It is in

12:01

America. We're currently in Greece. My

12:04

grandmother doesn't talk it over with

12:06

my grandmother, doesn't ask these kids

12:08

how they feel about it. He

12:10

tells the guy, great, no problem.

12:14

Goes home and is like, hey gals, I'm

12:16

going to America for six months. When I

12:18

get enough money, I'll bring you over. That's

12:21

how my family even got to

12:23

America. That's fucking wild. Yeah,

12:26

dude. The other

12:28

side of my family was an arranged

12:30

marriage. I'm

12:33

one generation away from some shit that you'd think only

12:35

happened 300 years ago, but it

12:39

was not that long ago. Yeah, that's wild. So,

12:42

arranged marriage in the 50s, the 60s? Yeah,

12:48

no, I would say probably, I

12:50

don't know the stem. I think we're

12:52

both bad at math, but I think

12:54

I should know because it's my family.

12:57

I'm just guessing over here, hearing it

12:59

for the first time. I

13:03

would as well. Right after World War

13:05

II is my guess, so maybe late 40s. Oh,

13:08

okay. Yeah, that's still pretty wild.

13:10

Still pretty wild for sure. But

13:12

yeah, you know, so we go back still sometimes.

13:16

I do love Greece. It is a totally

13:19

different place. I

13:21

love Greece. Oh, hell yeah. Mykonos,

13:23

have you been to Mykonos? You know, I

13:25

have enough. No disrespect. It's a little too

13:27

touristy for me. I'm a

13:29

little, I need that authentic shit. Fair,

13:32

the authentic Greek, I get it. But

13:34

I will say this, there's no fucking

13:36

rules there. No, I thought there are.

13:39

There's no rules. You don't gotta stop at a

13:41

stop sign. You gotta stop at a red light if

13:43

you don't feel like it. You don't gotta drive on

13:45

the right side of the road if you don't feel like it. I

13:48

loved it, but I get it. It was very

13:50

touristy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Also, there's no rules, but

13:53

you could also be murdered by

13:55

a chic son in Mykonos, I feel

13:57

like. I feel like you're just the

13:59

richest. Just to pray because people are

14:01

there too. So it's like, I'd rather be, you know,

14:03

I'd rather be just some shitty little beach,

14:06

no hookah on the

14:08

beach, but you know, still just, that's the

14:10

beauty of Greece. It's like every place you've

14:12

been is better than every

14:14

beach in America. It's crazy. It's

14:16

like the kiddies. So beautiful. We stopped,

14:18

I stopped, I one of my friends this year and we stopped

14:20

at a roadside, literally like it was essentially

14:23

like a, like, like the

14:25

equivalent of like the, on the,

14:27

when you're on the highway and just like the, like

14:30

little travel centers or whatever. I don't know

14:32

what the fuck. I'm blanking on the name.

14:34

No, rest stop. Rest stop. You killed, thank

14:36

you. So

14:39

it was basically a rest stop and we got

14:41

like, and that just happened to be by

14:43

a really shitty beach by the highway, like for what

14:45

I felt was a shitty beach. And I took my

14:48

friends who, you know, my roommate from, my

14:50

old roommate from New York and his wife and

14:52

we just, I was like, let's pop in for a swim. And it

14:54

was like, they were like, this is one of the best beaches. This

14:57

is better than any beach, you know, it

14:59

kills almost anything in America, but it

15:02

rocks. Great, great spot. I agree. It's

15:05

stunning. I also went to Cessal and Nicky

15:07

and that was so pretty. There you go.

15:09

Just, I just fucking love Greece. I want

15:11

to explore all of it. Yeah.

15:14

People are so nice. Yeah. Yeah.

15:17

Yeah. Our whole economy

15:19

is tourism. Our whole

15:21

economy is tourism. They got it. They got

15:23

a smile. They got it. My

15:26

favorite thing about being in Greece is people

15:29

would go, so do you like Greece? And

15:32

I go, yes, I love it. And they go,

15:34

of course you do. And I

15:36

was like, what happens if I said no? What,

15:38

are we going to hit me? Maybe

15:42

they'd make you flinch. I don't think they'd actually go

15:44

through with a full slap, but they might buck at

15:46

you. If you said it. That

15:50

would be exciting. Have you, did you take advantage

15:52

of the no rules in Mico? What's the, what's

15:54

the, Jared, do you do any little crimes? Did

15:56

you do, were you up to any mischief? I

16:00

wish I was up to crimes in this ship. All

16:02

I did was park our ATV in random

16:04

spots that definitely were not for parking. And

16:07

I ran over a lot of cones to make

16:09

the ATV sit where I needed it to fit.

16:12

That's good. That's about it. That's entry level

16:14

stuff. Oh, and we went to

16:16

a hotel pool because we

16:18

were... I think

16:20

we were flying out that day so we didn't want to

16:23

go all the way to a beach and get Sandy. Sure.

16:25

So we went to a hotel pool. Yes. And

16:27

we were not staying at that hotel. And we lied

16:29

about our room. Wow.

16:32

Look at you. Okay. That's

16:35

adorable. That's really cute. Just

16:37

low level criminal things. Yeah. That's

16:40

like what the villain in a Nancy Drew novel does.

16:43

You're barely like a bully. That's

16:48

what a bully does. Little lies. Barely doing

16:51

anything. That's right though. Next time. So

16:53

wait, are you fluent in Greek? I can get

16:55

that. I probably speak like an eighth grader. You

16:58

know what I mean? Where it's

17:00

like, I got it. I can carry

17:02

conversation. If you're Greek, it's probably going

17:04

to take you nine minutes. Maybe

17:07

not nine minutes. It's going to take you

17:10

six minutes to realize. People have a hard

17:13

time figuring out what's off because

17:15

my accent is really good. But

17:17

I speak really... And I don't seem

17:19

dumb to them. But I'm

17:21

speaking like I'm dumb. You know what I mean? What's

17:25

going on? What's going on with

17:27

this guy? My first words were like I

17:29

spoke Greek before I spoke English. So I

17:32

think that really helped my pronunciation

17:34

and my accent. And

17:37

so I'm pretty good about it. But

17:39

I definitely... I do want to have a

17:41

little at some point in my life. Maybe

17:43

if we keep going down to like the

17:45

weird crazy uncle path, I want to have

17:48

a little eat, pray, love. You

17:50

know, three months, four months in Greece

17:52

where I just stay there. I'm speaking

17:54

Greek. I read the place. I'm just

17:56

living my life fully in Greece, in

17:58

Greek. But reconnect with my... type

18:00

of shit but maybe that's the answer. I like

18:02

that. Maybe that's the answer. Find a

18:04

girl from the village, you know? Yes.

18:07

Might be kind of cute. Oh my God. My

18:09

Big Fat Greek wedding. I love this. You have

18:11

your own Big Fat Greek wedding. Yes. Let's get Nia

18:14

on the phone. Somebody quick, Nia Bertallos. Oh my God.

18:17

Let's reboot it. Nia, we're there. Did

18:21

you watch the third one? I haven't yet. I'm

18:23

about to though. I'm a big, you know. We

18:25

have to support our people. There's

18:28

no way up. I mean, the original one

18:30

was an event in

18:33

the Greek community in Baltimore. They

18:35

were only showing at the Art House Theater

18:38

in Baltimore and these like, you know, these

18:40

like villager Greeks that had moved to Baltimore

18:42

to open carryouts were like just

18:44

standing in line at like the artsy

18:47

fartsy downtown movie theater.

18:49

They're playing like foreign movies and

18:51

they're like lying out the door

18:53

of just like Adidas slides and

18:56

like tracksuits to go see

18:58

my Big Fat Greek wedding, the original one. So

19:00

I remember that one very, very vividly, but I

19:02

haven't seen the newest one. No.

19:05

I didn't see the first one. Didn't see

19:07

the second one, but they explained

19:09

the first and second one in the

19:11

beginning of the third one. And I said,

19:14

that's very kind of you. I'm caught up.

19:16

Oh, come on. You got to watch the first one.

19:19

The most successful, the most

19:21

successful romantic comedy in American

19:23

box office history belongs

19:25

to- I know. Yeah. You

19:28

got to watch the first one. Yeah. First was a

19:30

classic, especially if you're a rom-com gal. I do like

19:32

rom-coms. One of my favorite ones

19:34

is Never Been Kiss. Okay. Super and

19:36

more. Oh, that's kind of problematic, but yeah,

19:39

it is fun. You

19:41

are actually absolutely right. I really

19:43

didn't think of it till right

19:46

now. I'm like, yup. A woman

19:48

goes undercover in a

19:50

high school. She kisses her

19:52

teacher while her brother makes out

19:54

with underage girls. It's so fucked

19:57

up. Yeah. She's trolling for

19:59

child dick. Then actually gets who am

20:01

I have grown man who doesn't know

20:03

if the guy doesn't know if the

20:06

ice is now is the only deliberate

20:08

because he thought his Mykonos in these

20:10

on me can elicit don't miss it

20:12

I saw where there's no been over

20:15

the are all as with ah a

20:17

A A says yeah so I truly

20:19

hadn't thought of it and so on

20:21

and like that that bad. But as

20:24

I you're in early. Two thousand lot

20:26

of sit down hold up. Yeah.

20:28

Would That's but it is. You know it's it

20:30

yet. You don't want to go further back. Is.

20:33

That when he died and started the nineties road

20:35

you thousands. You. Get the sounds good

20:37

summers a these movies it it's like

20:39

oh this is cool on as old

20:41

as applaud them are either of it's

20:43

a whole lot as a thaw healing

20:45

ethier. Did anybody watch this

20:47

before he says and like well said,

20:50

well that will. Suddenly i bet of

20:52

it was i'm sorry up the saga

20:54

of know the police academy they just

20:56

have the these have police captain getting

20:58

his dick sucked. Against his

21:01

will visit the doing you know

21:03

light hearted. The. That they're

21:05

legit hard at a solemn C

21:07

B S idea that there isn't

21:09

any other identified Ziggy I assume

21:11

every this is by that, but.

21:14

It. Is a good movie er bb that if

21:16

you lose if you suspend disbelief. And.

21:19

You're like everyone years a consenting

21:21

adult actor. This list is avidly

21:23

time. Ah, Have a nice

21:25

science. It's also funny to be like we. We.

21:27

Thought Drew Barrymore to pass as

21:30

a high schooler. Yeah, we let

21:32

we the no. Not at

21:34

all a high schooler. It's the

21:36

eternal high school like movies and

21:39

tv show. Problem words: like visa

21:41

twenty seven year olds. It's.

21:43

Like euphoria. it's it's easy to cassie

21:45

for like that's my favorite like of

21:48

fighting the people do online is like

21:50

show. You. Know these people euphoria who

21:52

were just like everyone's a piece ass on the

21:54

cast and then you so with a taxi look

21:56

like in high school? know like. Sued.

21:59

Little kids. They're like, yeah,

22:01

they were actually children. Yeah, like

22:03

apple cheek pimply motherfuckers

22:06

But you know, yeah, that's like 13 reasons

22:09

why you're like, wait a minute. Yeah, an ass

22:11

man is supposed to be in height What do we do?

22:13

Yeah. Yeah But

22:15

what are you gonna do? Sabra's real

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Boop, boop, boop, boop. We're back. Okay,

25:08

so you've said in the past, while on

25:10

tour, when you get to a new city,

25:12

you immediately start swiping on Tinder. Is this

25:14

still the case? Not the case?

25:17

What do we do? I've matured, yeah. When

25:19

I was a feature, when I was

25:21

in opening act and all

25:23

I had to do was do 20 minutes of material where

25:25

it's like, no one's there for me. No

25:28

one gives a fuck. I just have to not bomb.

25:30

I did not think about comedy at all.

25:32

I would like swipe from, like as soon

25:35

as the, I'm on the tarmac. I'm

25:37

swiping till I run out of swipes in

25:40

Cincinnati or whatever. But no,

25:42

these days I'm more, you know, I'll

25:45

just say on stage like, hey, if anybody

25:47

wants to watch guys'

25:50

grocery games and give me some top,

25:52

I'm around. DM me. That's

25:57

really. Has that worked? You

25:59

know what? It really is. Oh my gosh. I

26:02

know. That is wild. It's

26:04

an embarrassment of riches. I'm

26:07

kind of like

26:10

the lions at the zoo that they just

26:12

get steak set at them. You know what I mean? Like

26:15

even Tinder, I'm like swipe on

26:17

Tinder. No thanks. I

26:20

got some candy bars, you know.

26:22

We could Uber-eat some Ben and Jerry's and

26:24

we're going to see what Guy's up to.

26:27

What kind of grocery game he's into. Oh

26:29

yeah. I

26:31

have gotten, I've had probably way

26:34

too much in my life with like

26:36

the chopped theme music playing in the

26:38

background. Or you know like I'm

26:40

a big, that has happened a lot. But

26:44

you know, to each his own, that's how

26:46

I relax on the road. That's

26:48

nice. Thank you. I

26:50

don't have that experience at

26:52

all. Nothing at all. I

26:55

constantly am like who's a single, I

26:57

don't have single men in my audience.

26:59

Right. They're usually lovely

27:01

gay men. Right, right. I

27:03

once tried to hook up with one because

27:05

he was down to hook up but it was very clear

27:07

that he was gay and didn't like my parts.

27:09

Which is fine. That's fine. But

27:12

why did we get that far? He's

27:14

such a fan. He's like maybe I

27:16

can bend my sexual orientation. Maybe

27:19

I can pretend this clit

27:21

is a dick and I'll come and I'll

27:24

be fine. He

27:26

did not have the sense of whimsy and wonder to

27:28

pretend that my clit was a dick.

27:30

He was instead pretty upset. Wow. Wow.

27:34

You hate to see that's a failure in

27:36

our public education system. Not teaching

27:38

imagination as far as I'm concerned. Yes.

27:41

Just if you want it to happen you

27:43

gotta dream. That's what Martin

27:45

Luther King's dream was about. You

27:48

gotta dream about the right

27:50

body part on the wrong

27:52

person. You can bust in

27:54

any situation. That's

27:56

one of the lesser dreams that doesn't get

27:58

the doesn't get

28:01

publicized as much. That's

28:03

a shame. And then one of my last shows I was

28:05

like it is it is a shame one of

28:07

my last shows I was like are there any

28:10

straight men here and this one man was like

28:12

yeah and then this lady went he works here

28:14

and I was like okay the only straight men

28:16

at my show work at the show. You

28:19

can book the sound guide. You know

28:21

the sound guys are all married everyone

28:24

who works at Twitter they're all married

28:27

they're all very happy and it's

28:30

sad. That's so interesting because I would

28:33

assume because like you know my audience is

28:35

most or at least it used to be

28:37

like mostly dudes it's still I would say

28:39

mostly dudes but there's a lot there's a

28:41

nice amount of like you know

28:43

reluctant girlfriends that are getting

28:45

there but you know anytime you

28:47

get famous on the internet there

28:49

is a lot there's a nice contingent

28:51

of mentally ill women on the internet.

28:53

I don't know if you know this

28:55

Nicole. So even if the numbers aren't

28:58

great you just need a couple. You

29:00

just need a couple. You just need one

29:02

or two and we gotta figure out a

29:05

way because I was if you looked at

29:07

the demographics of like people

29:09

people that would fuck me they

29:11

come to my show and people that would

29:13

fuck you they come to your show it's

29:15

probably pretty equal except for that magic

29:18

one or two in my show. So we

29:20

need to figure out again you just one

29:22

or two guys in there.

29:24

One or two guys. Just one or two

29:26

that you know that's crazy you

29:28

deserve you deserve to get sucked off in the

29:30

hotel room. I really

29:32

I think I really think

29:34

so. I would love for

29:36

someone to root around in my pussy

29:38

in my hotel room while I'm in

29:41

Cleveland. Is that so much to

29:43

ask? Truly come on.

29:46

I have not been having good luck

29:48

on the dating apps and my lovely

29:50

producer Mars sent me an article from

29:53

bustle.com if you ever heard

29:55

of it bustle.com where

29:57

apparently the dating apps

29:59

are all bad and everyone hates them

30:01

and Jenny's not on them and Millennials are

30:03

tired of it and

30:06

the Golden Age is over. I think it

30:08

is over. I also think it's over.

30:10

I go on them every

30:13

now and again. I like get in my head. I'm

30:15

like, okay, I'm gonna swipe. I'm

30:17

gonna try to fucking do this. And

30:20

then I start swiping. I'm like, this is the

30:22

most depressing thing I can be doing with my

30:24

day. Absolutely. That's

30:26

insane. They're just over in general. The

30:30

trend is that they're over and you're saying

30:33

they've just kind of been over for you too because I felt

30:35

that way. I've kind of been over them myself where

30:37

it's like, I don't want to. Yeah. There's

30:39

a total straight. I don't want to swipe and then

30:42

go out with a fucking person I don't know and

30:44

be like, I don't love you. I love my friends. I

30:46

don't know you. You

30:49

don't know much about them either. If you meet on social,

30:51

I feel like most people are looking up off social

30:54

media because you can at least get

30:56

a little more of a snapshot of

30:59

what the person's like on

31:01

there. You know what I mean? You can at least

31:03

see how their fake curated

31:05

version of themself, how

31:07

that's going. So we're getting nothing out of

31:09

the DMs. Nothing's going on. What

31:12

is your usual ... If you were like,

31:15

time to get dick down, what are

31:17

we doing? What's

31:19

the protocol? How are we getting there? You

31:21

know? I haven't ... I've

31:24

been dick down in a minute. We

31:27

got to fix this. It's very sad. We got to

31:29

fix this big time. It's been a minute. I

31:31

was dating someone for a little bit, so

31:34

that's who would dick me down. We

31:36

broke up a while ago and then I

31:38

was just sad about it. I'm not

31:40

sad anymore and I'm like, I don't fucking know how to

31:43

do this anymore. So I'm like, I

31:45

guess if I really wanted to, I would swipe

31:47

on Tinder till I match with someone and then

31:49

go fuck that person. Right,

31:51

right, right. Do

31:53

I want the person to be attractive? Do I want to

31:55

like them? That's the hard part. Yeah. Well

31:58

now you're getting crazy. Now you're not. I

32:00

know. I know. I

32:02

know. Well,

32:04

I think you're probably in a little bit of

32:07

a transitionary, you know, like, you know,

32:10

the dating, going off something steady

32:12

to getting fully back in

32:14

the streets is kind of tough. Mm-hmm. That

32:17

is a, it's kind of like you just, and my

32:19

advice would be just put a couple

32:21

points on the board. You know what I mean? Let's

32:23

not worry about it. Yeah. It

32:25

doesn't got to be perfect. You don't. This

32:27

is not going to be your husband. You know what I mean? You're

32:29

right. Just do

32:32

some layup, some three-point

32:34

shots, some half-court shots, see if they

32:36

fucking go in. Get back

32:38

in the mix, get back in the game, and

32:40

be like, all right, knock the rust off, and

32:42

then, you know, you feel less of that. Because

32:44

I know that's a tough feeling to be on

32:47

because you're like, what am I

32:49

even doing here? You know, you just

32:51

got to get that out. You just got to get the self-doubt out. It's

32:54

got to not feel like something

32:56

new. You know what I mean? You

32:58

got to knock the rust off, and then, I

33:01

don't know, you say you love your friends. What are

33:04

these friends? This might think, what are these friends? They

33:06

don't got friends? That's one of the best things to

33:08

do. No, no, my friends don't have

33:10

friends. They're all comedians. They're all actors.

33:13

We know the same fucking people. That

33:15

sucks. Not a one has like, this

33:18

is stuff. I

33:21

have kept my friends from like, most of my friends,

33:23

obviously, I'm like you, it's like a lot of comedians.

33:26

We have a lot of mutual friends. They

33:30

are pretty useless in terms of their

33:32

social circle. But

33:34

I have kept my best friends that I grew up with,

33:37

and that's kind of nice because it's like,

33:40

they got some non-showbiz, some

33:42

real human beings that aren't

33:45

like, constantly worried

33:47

about shit that doesn't matter. That you might actually have

33:49

like an actual con... People

33:51

that aren't aware of what Hulu is up

33:53

to. You know what I mean?

33:55

You gotta... You need to meet some people

33:58

like that. You

34:00

need to know. People are just like, who is

34:02

an app that I don't have? And it's like,

34:04

but what are they producing? I don't know. I

34:07

don't care. You need someone that, you need some

34:09

people, you need to be at a bar with

34:11

people that have no idea what a mandate is,

34:13

that don't know what Paramount Plus is. You

34:16

know what I mean? You

34:18

need to just kind of, because I do think that's

34:21

the other thing with like the showbiz shit where it's

34:23

like, it's just

34:25

like, I don't know. It's kind

34:27

of like what makes you fun and

34:29

what makes you you gets kind of zapped in

34:31

those like areas where it's like,

34:33

if it's your friends, then everybody's fucking around,

34:35

everyone's whatever. But it's like, I don't

34:37

know. Like, in a room full of just like

34:40

nice people that don't give a fuck about any

34:42

of that stuff, it's like, you'd be the fucking,

34:44

you know, you're crushing it. You

34:46

know what I mean? You're the life of the

34:48

party. Everyone's like, that girl fucking rules, you know?

34:50

It's like no one's talking about their career. Everyone's

34:52

just having a good time. And I think, I

34:54

don't know, like an accountant.

34:57

I think you're right. Or even a handyman. An accountant.

34:59

Why don't you mean like a- Oh, a handyman. I'm

35:01

into that. Yeah, go blue collar

35:03

with it. I

35:06

do like this. Back to

35:09

the other conversation of, you

35:11

know, if you're thinking about dating

35:13

again, and this is my, me,

35:15

it's like, I kind of would

35:17

like somebody to not have a

35:19

headshot. You know what I mean? I've

35:22

dated actresses, I've dated comedians, and

35:24

it's like, I kind of want somebody

35:26

who does some boring shit, who isn't

35:29

impressed, who isn't impressed

35:31

with my dumb bullshit, who

35:33

thinks it's actually annoying. And I

35:35

have to relate to them as a human being. Like

35:37

if like your skill becomes like almost

35:40

a negative to your partner, like if

35:42

they don't find your little, if they

35:44

don't find your cute little tricks, if

35:46

they see right through them, that's

35:49

what you need. And it's just about, you know, all

35:51

right, I don't know, that's me anyway. I don't want to

35:54

project too much, but that's what I'm thinking. No, that's

35:56

me. The happiest I've been dating

35:58

is... with people who are

36:01

not in the industry. I hooked up with

36:03

a bunch of stand-ups and improvisers or whatever

36:05

and it's like, cool, so we fucked and

36:07

then we're gonna talk about our type fives

36:10

for late night. Brutal. I

36:12

don't wanna do that. I'd

36:15

rather talk to, I dated a bartender for

36:17

a little bit and that was fun,

36:19

cause I was like, I don't know anything about

36:21

mixing cocktails and you could teach me shit

36:23

and that was fun. Yup. But

36:26

yeah, I don't

36:28

wanna date an actor, a comic. No,

36:30

no, no, you don't need that.

36:33

Somebody who gets it and is like,

36:35

okay, but I'll be gone some weekend.

36:37

Sure, sure, sure. If I get a

36:39

job in Atlanta, I have to go

36:41

to Atlanta and it's like, you

36:43

might come visit or what kind of.

36:46

Totally. Yeah. What

36:48

is it? Bendable, flexible. Flexible,

36:51

yeah. But we're getting ahead of ourselves.

36:53

We just gotta get some dick first and then

36:55

we can worry about how flexible they are. Then

36:58

we can worry about what kind of Southwest

37:00

miles they got they can use to come

37:02

visit you in Atlanta. You know what I

37:04

mean? Southwest? Hey, whoa, what just happened? I'm

37:06

a Delta Diamond Diva, okay? I'm

37:09

not talking about you. What

37:11

do we just say? You need some blue collar dick and

37:13

now you're already poo pooing Southwest. You

37:15

gotta chase away a look at his bum. You

37:17

need a man with no lounge access. No

37:20

lounge access. All right, all right, all

37:22

right. Bring your Southwest points over to

37:25

my pussy. I guess I'm okay with

37:27

it. Sabros,

37:32

can I ask you about 90 Day

37:34

Fiance? Sure, you absolutely can. So

37:37

you said that you would be best

37:39

on 90 Day Fiance. Have

37:41

you ever thought about going somewhere, picking

37:43

up a lady and then applying to

37:45

be on the show? Yeah, well, I

37:48

think I would be the perfect like

37:52

just the entire, like I could play the

37:54

part of the life. Like basically what I'm

37:57

saying is like if they made a movie

37:59

about that guy, with the little fucked up neck

38:01

that guy Ed or whatever the fuck his name

38:03

is. Ed? Yeah. They quit. Uh-huh. Like, I would

38:06

be the perfect, like, I

38:08

show up just some fat American

38:10

and, like, there's some, the most

38:12

striking, like, Indonesian woman you've ever

38:14

seen and her whole family sees

38:16

me come through Hawaiian shirt like,

38:19

whoo, let's go to Hooters. Like,

38:21

that just pissed off. That just mad to see

38:23

me. Like, that's one of my favorite moments in

38:25

those shows is when just the, just

38:28

the ugly American shows up and everyone's

38:30

like, ah, come on, what are we

38:32

doing here? And they, even they want to

38:34

be like, they don't, they don't have, there's a language barrier

38:36

for them to be like, my son

38:39

is trying to take advantage of

38:41

you. Please don't steal my

38:43

son and don't let him ruin your life.

38:45

But they just don't speak the same language.

38:47

Like, I think I would excel at that

38:50

part. Now in terms of

38:52

becoming a passport bro, like, going to,

38:55

I would, I

38:57

think I just, I don't know about that.

38:59

I don't know that I would explicitly go to,

39:01

you know, sort of buy a wife is

39:03

kind of what it feels like with some of

39:05

those shows. But I- It

39:08

is. It low key is like, it's like a

39:11

modern day mail order ride. You just

39:13

like go to poor countries and you're

39:15

like flashing your money and you're like, you come back

39:17

with me and they're like, I guess. Yeah, yeah,

39:19

yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, for running water, I guess.

39:23

But I think I would like to, again,

39:26

just thinking about it, it's like being

39:28

Greek is so important to me and just like, and

39:30

I don't think I have to end up with a Greek person, but

39:32

I like someone who's got a little, some immigrant

39:34

shit to them. Because that's so like, that's

39:37

so sensual in how I grew up and like how

39:39

I relate it to my parents. And

39:41

I find that that translates. It's like, even

39:43

if it's not the same exact culture, just

39:45

the immigrant experience really does translate. And I

39:47

think it's also cool to have a

39:50

little something else to you than just,

39:52

if your family's been in

39:55

America and just kind of homogenized Americans.

39:57

So I don't think I would go and

39:59

essentially song. traffic a woman back

40:01

to New York. But hey, if I

40:03

meet someone from somewhere else and we

40:05

hit it off, I think I would

40:07

really like to have a little extra

40:09

culture and be able to

40:11

relate to that kind of immigrant experience with them

40:14

for sure. But yeah, we'll see. Yeah,

40:16

I like that. I'm a

40:18

first generation... Am I? Yeah. My

40:21

dad was born in Barbados

40:23

and I'm

40:25

the first one on that side born in America,

40:29

which is very funny that I absolutely forgot about

40:31

that. But on my mom's side, I'm not. I

40:33

gotcha. I got on the boat a while ago

40:35

and we stayed here. Yeah. What

40:38

about you? I would date a foreign person.

40:40

Yeah. I would do it. I would import somebody. Yeah, but

40:42

you wouldn't go 90 day fiance. I'm with you. Yeah.

40:45

No, I'm

40:48

not going to go looking that feels very grimy right

40:50

now. You're going to watch a single life. Yeah.

40:54

And do you watch the single life? Do

40:56

you watch the show? I haven't watched single

40:58

life. No, sorry. Oh, okay. Well, Chantal

41:00

is, she got divorced from Pedro. So

41:02

now she's on the single life and

41:04

she's like in Greece.

41:07

Oh, okay. I'm looking for my Greek God

41:09

and that's what I want.

41:11

I want to bring home a Greek God. And

41:13

I'm like, that is so weird. It is so

41:15

weird to go on vacation with the sole purpose

41:17

of finding someone to bring home with you.

41:20

Yeah. People aren't toys. That's weird. Yeah. It could

41:22

be a catch a release situation.

41:25

One of my cousins literally because of the

41:27

Greek financial crisis and he was like, he

41:30

couldn't get a real job. So he just would bartend

41:32

at a tourist Island and just

41:34

like, he was open for

41:36

business for any woman that wanted to try out a

41:39

Greek guy for the summer. And he was, he would

41:41

just, he would just like, fuck these like,

41:43

he didn't even have a room. He lived in

41:45

a tent and he was just like, he's for

41:47

like years. He like, he fucked like Australian

41:50

women who were looking for, looking

41:52

for their Greek summer

41:55

vacation. He would just, yeah. Yeah. It's

42:00

Honestly, smart. You know? Smart?

42:03

Smart? Use your surroundings to

42:05

your advantage. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, think about

42:07

it. If you're just, if you want to

42:09

tell a good story and it's like, oh,

42:12

it was so passionate, we got caught up,

42:14

we started making, you know, we started fucking

42:16

on the beach. And it's like, that's a

42:18

good story versus when you see the, like,

42:21

when you think you caught it, like, that's

42:23

a, that wasn't his normal

42:25

move. Like when you think it was just

42:28

like a night of passion. Meanwhile, no, you're

42:30

fucking on the, you're getting figured on

42:32

the beach because he does not have. In

42:34

his home. That's his home. That's where

42:36

he lives. That's

42:40

so fucking funny. Yeah. Where

42:42

it's like, it's a night of passion. He's like, I just went home. Yeah.

42:45

I brought her to my house. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It

42:48

could be a fun story. But

42:51

yeah, sorry, you had a question. That's so funny.

42:53

I'm obsessed with your cousin. He's the man. He

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help.com/date me! What's

46:01

like one of the worst dates you've been on? Worst

46:05

dates? Hmm, I don't know. That's a good

46:07

question. I mean, um,

46:12

there's been times where, cause

46:15

like I, it just started happening recently,

46:17

the last few years where like, um,

46:21

I realized I could not fuck somebody who

46:23

wanted to fuck me. You

46:25

know what I mean? When you grow up

46:27

as a chubby gentleman without, you know, in

46:29

my youth, didn't believe in

46:31

myself, you know, got, high school

46:33

wasn't too good, low self-esteem. And

46:35

so I wouldn't even call this

46:37

a date, but I just had a really

46:41

just a brutal hook. I

46:43

had just broken up with somebody and somebody

46:46

that I had no chemistry with wasn't particularly

46:48

attracted to them. They were just like, Hey,

46:50

um, I know it was after

46:52

an open mic actually. It was like, I'm doing

46:54

some show in DC. It's just like, Hey, it

46:56

sounded like you're pretty sad about your breakup and

46:58

you did some jokes about having sex with people.

47:00

Do you want to have sex with me? And

47:03

I think that I didn't, but I was like, um,

47:07

I okay. And

47:10

then I just like walked to this

47:12

woman's apartment with like the enthusiasm of

47:14

like, oh, I got a

47:16

free sandwich at Wendy's and I guess I

47:18

better use this coupon before it expires. I

47:20

don't really like Wendy's that much. And

47:23

I just, you know, and I, I just, I

47:25

stay, I don't know why I stayed the night. I

47:27

felt like paralyzed and it was like horrible,

47:30

horrible stuff. Listen,

47:32

I don't want to, I don't want to shame anyone. Some

47:35

kind of foot odor issue was happening, you

47:38

know, stuff going on. And

47:44

I'm just like, I just didn't believe

47:46

in myself. I just didn't believe in

47:48

myself. I was just like, I was

47:50

like, Oh, I already said yes. I

47:53

guess I have to fuck this lady. I

47:55

don't want to be rude. And

48:00

it says I

48:03

want to play can't be rude. I can't

48:05

tell her that her feet are fucking funky

48:08

My dick in a hole Yeah,

48:13

it was it was yeah, it

48:16

might I think my dick probably smelled better than

48:18

her feet even after we fucked him for sure

48:20

I Know

48:25

why it was not great. It was

48:27

a step up from my cousin's tent

48:31

We heard it was like a weird basement in DC

48:34

Everything I was like I'm going to I was like

48:36

oh I was like this sucks, and I was

48:38

just not and I was like why am I doing

48:41

the whole time I was like why am I walking

48:43

here? We're making out on my why

48:45

am I picking out with this woman like why am

48:47

I doing every part of this? it

48:49

was just like and then I had

48:51

no money and I think I I Think

48:54

I almost had to crash there because they

48:56

got like I came from Baltimore I had

48:59

no ride so I had to like I

49:01

had to crash until I can catch the like train

49:03

There's like a you know commuter train in the morning,

49:06

and so I was like all right I'm gonna get up

49:08

early And I'm gonna just get the fuck out of

49:10

here like whatever and then I ended up fucking again

49:13

in the morning again out Of route not feeling rude

49:15

cuz she caught me sneaking out. She's like you even

49:17

I was like I'm

49:20

leaving I'm coming back Open

49:24

the door Morning

49:28

air That's

49:33

so funny get out of

49:35

here no no I

49:37

can't wait to fuck again Yeah,

49:42

no self-esteem funny I

49:44

had very little self-esteem Not

49:46

believing in yourself will have you be doing the

49:49

wildest shit I have fucked so many people that

49:51

I'm like why am I here? Why is

49:53

it good? I'd love to go home

49:57

Yeah, yeah, let me be like oh

50:00

Yeah, you got it Yeah,

50:04

no really some tough stuff, I mean it's tough

50:06

to have to fake an orgasm as a man

50:11

You just really hope you hope you're

50:13

convincing and you hope you know, you can discard

50:15

the condom quick enough Yeah,

50:18

yeah What

50:22

do you think any candidates I don't

50:24

know I don't think I would know I

50:27

feel like it's like And

50:29

you like feel it sure sure sure. Yeah But

50:34

maybe maybe people have faked it with me

50:37

Be on the lookout if you're someone who's fucked

50:39

me and you listen to this podcast

50:41

and you you faked it. Let me

50:43

know Hit

50:46

us in the comments. Have you ever faked a bus with

50:48

the whole Let

50:52

us know. Oh my

50:54

god, I'm so horny I I'm

51:00

like horned up, but I don't want to do the work

51:02

if that makes sense I get that

51:04

go out to a bar. I don't want to talk to

51:06

nobody. I fully get it. I Want

51:09

to do it, but I'm like, yeah, how else will I get

51:11

the hell if I get it? Yeah,

51:14

it's tough because people that are unsolicited

51:16

in your DMS. I would assume or

51:18

just lunatics, right? Like like

51:21

yeah I mean, yeah, don't

51:23

live anywhere near me like I that's

51:25

the lady in my DM She's

51:28

like I want you to get with

51:30

my brother. He lives in Montana and I'm like what I

51:33

don't live in Montana Yeah

51:39

Does your brother know that you're Deming

51:42

me about him. Yeah. Yeah.

51:44

Does he have a say in this? I know

51:46

I thought you were gonna fuck the lady No, that's

51:48

kind of crazy to be to be like trying to

51:50

get to being a fan of someone

51:53

and being like I'd rather love my brother to

51:55

fuck you like Me

51:57

I couldn't You

52:00

can. It's

52:02

very interesting. Yet, it does

52:04

unfortunately take a little bit of work,

52:06

huh, to get started. Yeah,

52:09

and it fucking sucks, and I

52:11

don't like it. Do

52:13

you think dating, you said that you didn't really

52:15

have like self-confidence and stuff growing up. Now,

52:18

do you think that your confidence is boosted?

52:21

Yeah, yeah. Probably too much, to be honest

52:23

with you. I probably believe in myself too

52:25

much. I gotta be knocked down a couple

52:27

pegs. But yeah,

52:29

no, I think most of my life was trying,

52:31

not most of my life, but I think in my early

52:33

20s, it was just trying to get over all

52:36

that stuff. I do think there's an

52:38

aspect of the like, almost

52:42

compulsively, like fuck. When

52:45

I'm on the road, it's like, I'm either

52:47

going to get really fucked up, I'm

52:49

gonna eat like shit, or I'm gonna try and fuck

52:51

somebody. Those

52:53

are my compulsive behaviors. I

52:57

think the reason that sex

53:00

gets mixed into those other compulsions is

53:02

because on some level

53:05

I'm like, dude, if I get enough pussy in my

53:07

30s, I actually wasn't a loser in high school. There's

53:10

that, there's the bath talk process. I

53:14

can fuck myself. I don't think I've ever

53:16

heard a man say that so succinct in

53:18

a way that's like, yeah, I think

53:20

that's what a lot of dudes are doing. When

53:22

I'm trying to like, I know I can't

53:24

fuck my way into a wormhole and go

53:26

back and give my 17 year

53:29

old self a pep talk. I know that's not gonna happen.

53:32

I think I do, part of it is like, I should

53:34

maybe chill out a little bit and just kind

53:36

of like, because I'm trying to, I'm

53:39

in Baltimore just chilling out for like a month. I

53:41

might spend another month here just to kind of like,

53:44

I'm trying to not drink, I'm trying to not smoke weed,

53:46

I'm trying to get my diet together. And I'm trying to

53:48

just kind of chill out and

53:50

all the things I kind of let myself, I

53:53

don't know, I gave myself permission to just

53:55

act a fool, be a little slutty boy,

53:57

because I was like, well, I'm so busy.

54:00

I can't possibly eat the right amount

54:02

of, I can't possibly eat less than 8,000 calories and

54:05

smoke until I pass out and take

54:07

any pills that anybody gives me. I

54:11

have to do that for my career. And

54:13

so I'm trying to chill out on

54:15

that. And I think if I'm being honest

54:17

with myself, I should do

54:21

the same thing when it comes to sex and dating

54:23

and don't just fuck a

54:26

hot person because they'll let you go

54:29

out on a couple dates. You know

54:31

what I mean? Like, do you like

54:33

this person? You're never going to go back

54:35

in time and get pussy sophomore year, so

54:37

just make the best of your life right

54:40

now. And I do think there is, I think

54:42

I'm trying to get that through my thick skull where

54:45

I'm like, I think that's just a

54:47

part of overall wellness. Because I'm trying to kind of,

54:49

for years I've been talking about trying

54:51

to get just healthier mentally, physically,

54:54

everything and kick a couple of

54:56

dictions I got here. And

54:58

so I think unfortunately, as cool as

55:01

it is to just see lots

55:03

of different titties, I think I kind of have to

55:05

chill a little bit and just

55:07

kind of like, if I'm watching

55:10

what I'm eating, I should be watching what I'm

55:12

fucking as well, I guess. You know what I

55:14

mean? It's like, it's kind of similar. I mean,

55:16

yeah, it's like whatever you put

55:18

in your body and whatever you're putting

55:20

your body into is

55:23

important and I guess. I

55:27

kind of like that. I like that a lot. I

55:29

think taking care of yourself is like, it's easy to

55:31

be like, ha ha, whatever, that's corny, but it's like,

55:34

no, no, you'll fucking feel better if you eat just

55:36

a little bit better. Drink some water. A couple

55:38

veggies, bro. Not a big deal. Just a couple

55:40

veggies. A couple, little walk, you know? Just

55:42

a little carrot here and

55:44

there, you know? Yeah, a little happy

55:47

walk around, a little hike. A little

55:49

hike. Because yeah, I was like, I

55:51

did a lot of drugs, I drank a lot,

55:53

I was eating like shit and then

55:55

I stopped drinking as much and I was

55:58

like, wait. So I can like. wake

56:00

up in the morning and not get hungover.

56:02

I feel good. And not have to drink

56:05

a fucking vodka soda in the morning

56:07

on the plane. That's right, right,

56:09

right. Because that's how I was rolling. I would

56:12

be so hungover on flights. Respect. That I'd be

56:14

like, all right, I need three vodka sodas just

56:16

to be straight. Yeah. And I was

56:18

like, oh. Just to even it out. This is

56:20

bad. Yeah, you're doing Don Draper math to

56:23

just be able to just take a flight.

56:25

You're not even doing anything. You're sitting in

56:27

a chair. No, I'm just sitting. I

56:31

need a couple of vodka sodas. No,

56:33

I'm with you. I was much more of a weed

56:35

guy. So it was more of like, I

56:37

am gonna be at a stupor until 1 p.m. And

56:40

then it's like, I have a three

56:42

hour window when my coffee hits and

56:46

the weed is worn off before I get high

56:48

again. I have to do

56:50

everything I need to do. And then, well, if it doesn't

56:53

get done, looks like I'm fucked.

56:55

You know, it's like, I would just take it

56:58

edible and like race it hitting me to do

57:00

all my chores and emails and shit like that.

57:02

That's really fucking funny. Yeah. And

57:04

I'll tell you something, Nicole. I didn't win

57:06

that race too many times. No,

57:09

I could imagine. I lost that race most of the time.

57:11

I could truly imagine how often

57:13

you failed. Being like, well, guess I

57:15

gotta go sit down. Oh,

57:17

I'm already sitting? Well, I gotta close this

57:19

computer and watch the TV. Let's

57:22

see what Jean-Claude Van Damme is up to.

57:25

Let's see what it was. Let's

57:27

see if he's gonna end up getting the bad guys

57:29

who killed his family at the beginning of the movie.

57:31

I gotta hunt him out. Ah! He

57:34

might! And I'm excited to find out. Ha

57:37

ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Zabros,

57:39

what is your ideal partner? What does that

57:41

look like? Ooh, ideal

57:44

partner. Um, I think, I

57:46

mean, it's interesting because like, you

57:48

know, we talk about all these stuff

57:50

abstractly, like, yeah, I would like in theory,

57:53

somebody who has some

57:55

kind of like, similar background to mine,

57:57

right? That has shared, you know, kind

58:00

of, You're on the same page values-wise. Somebody

58:02

who likes big cities, I'm not a country boy. I

58:07

like New York. To me, coming

58:10

back to Baltimore feels like going to my

58:12

cottage. You know what I mean? This feels

58:14

like being outdoors. But

58:17

I don't know. I think

58:21

just somebody who's

58:23

really nice to me and is

58:26

cool, is a good hang,

58:28

can chill with

58:31

all my friends. My

58:34

best friend got married. His wife's awesome. Somebody who's like

58:37

... Because there's nothing worse than

58:39

... That's kind of a straight

58:41

stereotype when it's like no

58:43

one likes your best friend's wife. That's

58:46

always weird to me. It's

58:49

like this is your best friend and the person they're

58:51

going to spend their whole life with and you

58:53

can't hang out with them. You're not happy

58:55

to see them. You're like, oh,

58:57

that fucking bitch is going to be here, but I thought it was

58:59

going to be just the boys. I'd

59:02

like somebody who can ... And not

59:04

to say, sometimes wives need

59:06

to be spared of how stupid

59:08

me and my friends get sometimes. There's

59:10

definitely afternoons where we are going to

59:12

get fucked up, eat Korean barbecue, and

59:14

watch action movies, but somebody

59:16

who's just a good hang and

59:19

gives good top. That's

59:22

in there too. We

59:27

got a quick ... There's a couple

59:29

of non-negotiables here. You

59:34

must have a good ... I

59:37

would like to bust a lot

59:39

of the cliches of the mayor

59:41

of like no ... I want somebody who gets along

59:44

with my mom. I don't want any of that in-law

59:46

shit. I want somebody who has a cool family that

59:48

I can chill with, somebody who can chill with

59:50

my friends. There's no disappearing in the man cave.

59:53

We're going to also bust the cliche of

59:55

90s standup comics about married couples that don't

59:57

give each other head. We're going to get

59:59

that going. and two okay we're breaking

1:00:01

the glass ceiling of everybody's act and

1:00:03

every should come from the 90s. I

1:00:05

love that. Thank you yeah. I love

1:00:07

that. When you get a partner you're

1:00:09

gonna walk on stage and be like I love

1:00:11

my wife. She sucks my dick so good!

1:00:15

Everyone give me a

1:00:17

right. Yeah

1:00:20

exactly. That's kind of what I'm going

1:00:22

for and for the record I'm

1:00:24

eating pussy too. Okay let's put that out there.

1:00:26

There we go. I don't want to be you

1:00:29

know. I was about to ask

1:00:31

them like I mean if you want

1:00:33

good head. No come on of course

1:00:35

it's about reciprocation. I'm in

1:00:37

there. See that's nice. I

1:00:40

think you'll find that. Thank you. I

1:00:42

mean honestly the ladies

1:00:45

who listen to this podcast a lot of them

1:00:47

are very nice. They're gonna slide into your DM.

1:00:49

You're gonna have so many ladies at your

1:00:51

DM. I'm like gals I'm open for

1:00:53

business. He's open for business. Let's have

1:00:56

a nice seafood dinner then see where

1:00:58

the night takes us. For

1:01:01

whatever reason that sounds so fucked up.

1:01:03

It's a nice seafood dinner sounds nice but

1:01:05

the way you said it I was like

1:01:07

I'm I don't know. Come on. I don't

1:01:09

know if I'm doing that. A scallop of

1:01:11

crab cakes. You're saying no to that? Yeah

1:01:14

all right. When you're faced

1:01:16

with the actual reality of it I think you're gonna

1:01:19

change your tune. Thank you very much. Get

1:01:21

some nice potatoes au gratin. I

1:01:24

do love potatoes au gratin. See.

1:01:26

Do you like Red Lobster? We

1:01:30

were not a Red Lobster family. We

1:01:32

were more of a our

1:01:35

chain restaurant was Chili's. We

1:01:37

were Chili's family and

1:01:39

I don't know if it's if it's if

1:01:42

it's just regional but L'bertucci's a brick

1:01:44

oven pizza restaurant. Yeah. We

1:01:46

were Chili's family. We had a New

1:01:48

Jersey. And we popped into we

1:01:50

popped into Red Lobster but only on

1:01:52

my insistence because a I

1:01:55

saw a commercial for endless shrimp that

1:01:57

really spoke to me as a fat

1:01:59

eighth grader. And so we tried

1:02:01

it at once. Of course the biscuits are

1:02:03

incredible, but we really stayed more.

1:02:06

We were more of a Chili's. Applebee's

1:02:08

early on when it was still good before it

1:02:11

fell off a cliff, you know? We

1:02:14

went there, but yeah, those were

1:02:16

our main chain restaurant

1:02:19

dinners every two or three weeks or whatever we did.

1:02:22

That's nice. I do love a Chili's. I do

1:02:24

agree that Applebee's fell off. They used

1:02:26

to have a thing called an Apple chimichuriscake that was

1:02:28

the most delicious dessert in all the land.

1:02:30

It was just a deep fried cheesecake, and

1:02:32

I really think they could turn around their whole business plan if

1:02:35

they just bring that the fuck back. Let's get it back. I

1:02:37

agree with you. We can get it back. Thank

1:02:39

you. All right. Stavros,

1:02:42

we've come to the end. Do you have

1:02:44

anything that you want to promote? Just

1:02:49

watch Fat Rascal on Netflix. If

1:02:52

you don't have Netflix somehow, I have a free

1:02:54

special on YouTube called Live at the Lodge Room.

1:02:56

I actually will be in Dallas for the end of

1:02:59

my tour. I had to make up a tour because

1:03:01

I actually got COVID in the beginning of the

1:03:03

tour, so I'll be in Dallas, I think, tomorrow when

1:03:05

this airs, and then I'll be

1:03:07

in Detroit and Grand Rapids. Those are the

1:03:09

final tour dates for this year, and

1:03:11

then I'm taking a nice chunk of time off. That's

1:03:14

it. That's nice. Yeah.

1:03:17

Yeah. That's really nice. I feel like we

1:03:19

don't do that a lot. We're not like, let me take some fucking

1:03:22

time for me, or let me

1:03:24

take time to live so I can write again. I'm

1:03:26

like, oh my God, I got nothing. If

1:03:28

I had to do new stuff now, there would

1:03:30

be nothing to it. But yeah, that's

1:03:32

pretty much it. Go watch the specials, folks.

1:03:36

And you know, slide into my DMs. Slide

1:03:38

right in there. Stavros, I ask everybody this. I've

1:03:40

only missed it a couple times. Would you date

1:03:42

me? Hell yeah. I mean, we're going

1:03:44

to Red Lobster. We're

1:03:46

getting the biscuits, baby.

1:03:49

We're getting the biscuits and English

1:03:51

Shrimp. They have different shrimps now.

1:03:54

I'm at Applebee's corporate headquarters getting

1:03:56

them to make that fucking deep fried cheesecake.

1:04:00

Honestly, I'm gonna get you're gonna I would

1:04:02

and I would And

1:04:08

then in front of everybody I would fucking give

1:04:10

you head I would be like a

1:04:13

beautiful love story Well,

1:04:19

if you like this episode of why won't you date

1:04:21

me you can like it you could rate it Give

1:04:23

me five stars on iTunes if you write me something

1:04:25

nasty hitting on me to why won't

1:04:28

you date me podcast@gmail.com I

1:04:30

will read it I'll

1:04:34

meet you at a honky-tonk bar and lay

1:04:36

you back on the bar while I'll take

1:04:39

pickleback shots from your belly button Ew,

1:04:42

I'll eat you out till my briny

1:04:44

tongue sours your You

1:04:50

like that sour patch kid I'll

1:04:52

make you scream till you squirt and

1:04:55

bottle up the fluid so we can

1:04:57

pick vegetables And

1:04:59

pickle them in the squirt jar and the

1:05:01

next time we do body shots of these

1:05:03

throw I'll be sure to throw that pussy

1:05:05

juice like it's no tomorrow Wow

1:05:20

I love them so much. Okay.

1:05:22

Bye. Bye You've

1:05:30

been listening to why won't you date me with

1:05:32

Nicole Meyer It's

1:05:38

executive produced by Adam Sacks Nick Liao

1:05:40

and Jeff Ross at team Coco with

1:05:43

guest booking by Paula Davis Tina Batista

1:05:45

and Maddy Ogden got a dirty message

1:05:47

for Nicole Read it to

1:05:49

why won't you date me podcast@gmail.com for a

1:05:51

chance to have it featured on a future

1:05:53

show Thanks for listening, we'll see you

1:05:56

next week with a brand new episode Bye-bye

1:06:11

Miceli making twenty twenty four her

1:06:14

fabulous fancy era Better believe I

1:06:16

am betting goods or eyeglasses if

1:06:18

that's why she's up in her

1:06:20

friend game at the same place

1:06:22

is already shops Walmart with thought,

1:06:25

designer frames and most insurance. Except

1:06:27

that she's got fresh of fabulous

1:06:29

fancy era and say yes I

1:06:31

am Make warmer your vision destination

1:06:34

today. Welcome be Ikea. welcome to

1:06:36

your Walmart. Restrictions apply see walmart.com

1:06:38

or your Walmart is in for

1:06:40

detail. If

1:06:43

you went on to true but you

1:06:45

didn't stop for a Big Mac or

1:06:47

drop a crispy fried between the car

1:06:49

seats or usual Mcdonalds. bad as a

1:06:52

place math isn't that was rude, was

1:06:54

just a really long made an at.

1:06:56

The to submitting things.