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1:55

you. date

2:01

me please tell

2:03

me why ahhhhhh

2:11

welcome to another episode of why won't

2:13

you join me a podcast with me Nicole

2:15

Beier has been trying to figure out why

2:17

I'm still single but I don't like care

2:20

about that so much but okay oh I

2:22

was gonna do my dirty intro why

2:24

I'm still single even though you could

2:26

come on my walls with

2:29

rolls of wallpaper and then try to

2:31

stick the wallpaper to the walls I

2:33

would say wow babe that's a great

2:35

solution my guest today is

2:38

a writer and producer known

2:40

for her work on Silicon

2:42

Valley corporate robot chicken

2:44

and for writing the iconic

2:46

pickle Rick episode of Rick

2:48

and Morty also she's a

2:50

creator and writer of the

2:53

hit series she Hulk attorney

2:55

at law and my

2:57

friend I

3:01

once cried asking for friendship

3:03

because I have emotional

3:05

and I'm so happy

3:07

to be here and

3:12

I'm so happy to be here and I'm

3:14

so happy that you asked me directly

3:16

if we can be friends and then

3:18

burst into tears you're like let

3:22

me file that away as something you do okay

3:29

Jessica let's hop in to

3:32

it before we talk about

3:35

dating and stuff I just really love

3:37

this story about your parents sending you

3:39

back to China alone at seven years

3:41

old and they were like don't

3:46

don't talk to anyone just like keep walking

3:48

ahead what was the thought process I don't

3:50

think I know the thought process behind sending

3:52

you back to China alone their their thought process

3:56

well the party line that I was fed that

4:01

they wanted me to they really

4:03

wanted to cement the Chinese language

4:05

Mandarin for me because a lot

4:07

of because I came to America when I was four and Once

4:10

I started school, you know I started speaking English a

4:13

lot more and They happened

4:15

to a lot of their friends kids where they come

4:17

to America and start school and they start speaking English

4:19

And then they would just stop speaking Chinese But

4:23

I always felt like that sounds like a discipline problem

4:25

like you just make it a rule at home, you

4:27

know So

4:29

they were like well Obviously the we don't want that

4:31

to happen to our kid and the only

4:33

logical solution is to now send her back

4:36

to the old Country alone by

4:38

the way, we lived in the same

4:40

year well Valley which is like almost

4:42

a hundred percent Chinese people and really?

4:44

yeah, it's it's predominantly Chinese and There's

4:47

like you you if you drive down any street

4:49

in the same year well Valley Most of the

4:51

signs are like most store signs are in Chinese

4:53

and so and there's like a Chinese school every

4:55

two blocks but they were

4:58

like the only solution is to go back

5:00

and They

5:02

didn't like assign me as like an unaccompanied minor.

5:04

They just were like you're gonna fly alone, but

5:06

don't tell anyone They specifically said to

5:08

me don't tell anyone you're flying alone because it's illegal and

5:11

we'll get in trouble So and

5:13

by the way when I tell people

5:15

this story, they're like, well, maybe you know, they're immigrants

5:17

Like maybe they didn't know that you can

5:19

do like unaccompanied minor. You can assign that belly

5:21

to my mom was a was a travel agent

5:26

So then

5:30

they you know, they dropped me

5:32

off at LAX I'm very bummed about it

5:36

And they were like if anyone asks where your parents

5:38

are just say they're in the bathroom and then when you

5:40

get on the plane and that like Remember

5:42

who's sitting around you like all the people around

5:45

you just remember them and when the plane

5:47

lands follow them and you just keep Walking

5:49

and following all of those people and eventually

5:51

you're gonna like see people You know

5:53

who are there to pick you up? Which is what

5:55

happened to be fair is so

5:58

funny. Yeah, it's also It's so

6:00

funny that nobody, like,

6:03

your parents are in the bathroom, but like on

6:05

the plane, my parents are in the bathroom. Are

6:07

they ever coming back? Also, all these eats are

6:09

full. Nobody asked me. Nobody

6:12

even asked me where your parents are. And also think about

6:14

this. That means that when I landed

6:16

in China, I had to go through customs

6:18

and I had to go through like immigration and

6:21

I had to fill out all those little forms by

6:23

myself. I had a second grade education. So

6:26

I feel that all of those forms went

6:28

up to the window, gave them my passport

6:30

and all my forms and they looked at

6:32

it, looked at the

6:34

penmanship of a second grader and said, this

6:36

all looks in order, stamped it and sent me on

6:38

my way. That is so

6:40

wild. Also truly, it like gives

6:43

validity to Home Alone 2. Yeah.

6:45

Or no. Yeah, Home Alone 2,

6:48

where he's like, they go somewhere and he goes somewhere

6:50

else. Right? Yeah. No.

6:53

Yeah. They go somewhere and he goes to New York. Yeah.

6:56

Yes. And nobody asks. They just

6:58

let him on and he gets out and he's

7:01

a New York City baby. But I also love

7:03

the idea of a second grader trying

7:05

to go through customs because me as an adult

7:07

have been like, wait, what, what do I do?

7:10

I give you what? What? God,

7:12

that's so funny. I

7:15

just love your mother. She makes me really happy.

7:18

I didn't know this, but once your mother offered

7:20

you $10,000 per hand for a hand transplant.

7:23

Yes. Wait,

7:26

did I tell you that? No. My

7:29

assistant does research. Oh

7:34

man. Yes. My mom.

7:36

Well, this is excellent research. My

7:40

mom, I have very soft

7:42

hands, very smooth. And my

7:44

mom would always stroke my hand and go

7:46

like, oh, your skin is so soft and

7:48

so smooth. There aren't any wrinkles, you know.

7:53

My childhood, my nickname in my family

7:55

is Pig because I was born in the year of the

7:57

Pig, but also because they think I'm fat. And

8:00

so my mom would call my hands my hooves.

8:02

She'd be like, look at your little hooves. They're

8:04

so soft and smooth and wrinkle free. And then she

8:07

would talk about her hands like, cause she doesn't

8:09

do any skincare, which is wild bird, an

8:11

Asian woman. And so her hands are all

8:13

like wrinkled and sun damaged. And then she

8:15

would at one, every

8:17

time she would, you know, stroke my hand at some

8:20

point, she would tighten her grip, her eyes

8:22

would go black, and she would go,

8:24

I wish I could just cut them off and

8:26

put them on my room. And

8:29

I love your mother. And then one year

8:31

at Christmas Eve dinner,

8:34

when like there's like 20 people there, in

8:37

the middle of dinner, my mom, I

8:39

don't remember what prompted this, but shouts

8:41

across the table to me, Jessica, serious

8:44

offer, $10,000 per hand for

8:47

a hand transplant. I

8:50

mean, that's $20,000. I'd

8:53

have no hands. But

8:58

okay, in my brain, I would be like,

9:01

sure, but you have to give me hands.

9:03

Like also do you hand transplant? But then I

9:06

get her hands. But maybe you get somebody else's

9:08

hands. Wait, are a hand transplants, is that even

9:10

a thing? Is that a real thing? I don't

9:12

know. That sounds like, I mean, it just sounds

9:14

like there's so many factors. It's like, you

9:17

have to have the same blood. I mean, it

9:19

probably would work since we're such closely

9:21

related, but there's also, it

9:23

seems like there'd be such a high chance of

9:25

rejection. And I don't think it would be a

9:27

completely functional hand, even if your body didn't reject

9:29

the transplant. I

9:32

don't think you would do. We can

9:34

do some more research into this. I

9:37

spent the next 20 years of my

9:39

life researching hand transplants. And,

9:41

ooh, okay, Mars, my producer

9:44

says, it exists, a

9:46

hand transplant is a lazy procedure that may

9:48

last 18 to 24 hours? What?

9:53

I don't have that kind of

9:55

time. I gotta record podcasts. Oh.

10:00

Wait, when did you come back to the US,

10:02

to the state? Just

10:04

a year later. Although the original

10:07

agreement was for three years. They

10:09

originally wanted me to go for three years. I

10:11

talked them down to one year with the caveat that

10:13

if I did my one year, when I came back,

10:15

they would have to get me a puppy, which is

10:17

like all I wanted in the world. And

10:20

so then they agreed, but I was like,

10:22

these people have burned me so many times.

10:25

I need proof. So I was like, I need proof that

10:27

we have this conversation, that we have this agreement, we have

10:29

to put it in writing. And so I made

10:31

them write out a contract that said like, Jessica

10:34

goes to China for a year, she can have

10:36

a puppy. And I made them both sign it.

10:40

And then armed with the contract, I was like, okay, now

10:42

I'll go. And I went to China

10:44

for a year. By the way, didn't

10:47

let me live with either sets of grandparents. Because

10:49

my mom said they would spoil me and she

10:51

didn't want to brat when I came back. So

10:54

your mom is so funny.

10:57

This like, this thought process

10:59

of parenting is so funny. I want

11:01

her to be fluent and Mandarin. I

11:03

don't want her to be spoiled. I don't want her

11:05

to be with people who know her and love her.

11:07

And she knows too. She

11:10

knows a trust and feel safe

11:13

with her old best friend from

11:15

the neighborhood who I didn't know. Did

11:17

she have kids? Yeah, she had a son. Oh,

11:20

okay. Was that fun? Yes

11:23

and no. He was very sweet to me. He was

11:25

like two or three years older than me and

11:27

like, like very much like treated me

11:30

like a like a little sister and was like

11:32

really, really nice to me. But

11:34

still like it must have sucked for him. This

11:38

lady's coming. She's this little girl is

11:40

coming for a year. Yeah. And

11:42

we had to share a bedroom. Oh, I know.

11:46

God, that's so funny. My

11:49

family did something like that too. My

11:52

uncle lived with like his godmother for

11:54

a little bit, but

11:56

I believe my

11:58

grandmother was still there. Barbados for

12:01

whatever reason he had to go live somewhere else for

12:03

a little bit. I think that's the story they told me

12:05

I don't know when I went to Barbados. They kept telling me

12:07

the most insane things that I was like said What

12:10

that doesn't you can't why

12:12

I don't immigrant parents do

12:15

the wildest shit for no fucking

12:17

reason Yeah, but I do think

12:19

that like a lot of Most

12:21

of the non-european cultures are kind of

12:24

like that words kind of like the

12:26

community raises You know, it's

12:28

always because it's like multi-generational household you live

12:30

close to like your extended family So like

12:32

everyone is like it's kind of like an

12:35

it takes a village philosophy Yeah

12:38

And so it's like totally normal for other people

12:40

to just pitch in and take care of your

12:42

kid Although I I think even culturally it was

12:44

very weird for everyone that my mom was like

12:46

I'm gonna pay my best friend To take my

12:48

child even though both sides of

12:50

grandparents were very happy to take her. It's

12:53

just so funny I love it. Wait, Jessica.

12:55

When did you start dating? Do you think

12:58

you're a late bloomer or in early bloomer?

13:01

Definitely late bloomer and

13:04

then and you know, I was not a prolific

13:06

data But also I've been with my husband for

13:08

12 years I

13:10

mean, we've only been married for one but

13:13

we've been together for 12 years, you know,

13:15

that's such a long time How did you meet? my

13:18

high school best friend Was

13:20

his roommate and they had a

13:22

party. Yeah, we tell the story two different

13:25

ways of how we met so my version

13:27

is you know, my my childhood best friend

13:29

is like I'm

13:31

having a pool party bowl because he was like going away to

13:33

go to grad school and And

13:37

so he's like, oh please come and I was like,

13:39

okay. Where does he live now out to Dina? No,

13:41

thank you I was

13:43

like, wait, he's moving away for four years. I should probably try to

13:45

make an effort So I just thought

13:47

to myself I'll go for like 45 minutes because I

13:49

don't know any of his fucking friends You know and

13:51

I'll say goodbye and then I'll leave and so I

13:53

go in at the pool party I walk into through

13:55

the back gate and My

13:59

now husband was like was sitting like closest

14:01

to the entrance of the gate. And

14:03

so I walk in, he said something smart-assy to

14:05

me. And so I was like, oh, okay,

14:08

whatever. And then I see my friend across the pool.

14:10

So I was like, okay, I'm gonna go talk to my friend now.

14:13

And I walk over, I start chatting with

14:15

my friend, but out of the corner of

14:17

my eye, I can see this guy like

14:19

watching me from across the pool. And then

14:21

after 10 minutes, he comes all the way

14:23

around the pool, drags a chair, pulls it

14:26

up to us and joins our conversation and

14:28

like chats with us for like an hour.

14:30

And I was like, this guy is obsessed

14:32

with me. So

14:36

that's my version of what happened. His

14:38

version is that I walked through

14:40

the back gate into the pool area.

14:42

And as soon as I walked in,

14:44

he crested from the pool like a

14:47

beautiful merman, backlit by the sun, glistening

14:49

dew drops coming off of his

14:52

beautiful hair. And then he shook

14:54

his gorgeous mane and water droplets got

14:56

everywhere. And I came on the spot.

15:00

Somehow I think his version is the

15:03

most correct. That's

15:06

so funny that he was like, oh no,

15:08

I was this like hot person that was like

15:10

so sexy and irresistible and you wanted it.

15:13

Wait, 12 years ago, we

15:15

don't have to reveal your age.

15:18

But before that, were you dating? Were you

15:20

dating a lot? No, I was

15:23

just not, I

15:25

was not a good dater. But also

15:27

12 years ago was pre-apps. So

15:30

I never experienced app dating.

15:33

Although like I did OKCupid briefly,

15:35

but it was like, that

15:38

was when you were still logging into a website. It wasn't like

15:40

that. So like I can't, what I

15:42

hear about like my single friends like talking

15:44

about app, it just

15:46

sounds like a living hellscape.

15:49

I tell my husband all the time, like I'm willing

15:51

to put up with any amount of your bullshit at

15:53

this point and not have to go back to dating.

15:55

And that's really backfired on me. I've

15:58

heard friends complain about. their

16:00

partners with things where I'm like, oh,

16:02

you that's you should break up like that's you're

16:05

not compatible anymore. That's bad. And then

16:07

the friend go, well, I just don't

16:09

want to do dating again. Like I

16:11

simply don't want and I'm like, I

16:14

get it. It really is hell

16:16

on fucking earth. It is all

16:19

fall. I don't want my

16:21

worst enemy just sifting through

16:23

people having to talk to the most

16:26

boring fucking people. Uh, it's

16:29

just awful. I hate it. You're

16:31

lucky that you didn't have to do

16:33

any of that. I feel very,

16:35

very lucky. And I don't know what it is. Like

16:38

I feel like I had, there's so

16:40

many wonderful, like talented,

16:42

smart, funny, beautiful women,

16:45

single women in my life, uh,

16:47

present company included. And that I'm

16:50

like, I, it boggles my

16:52

mind that you don't have like a great

16:54

partner, you know, uh, because

16:56

you're, you've got the whole package and, but

17:00

I don't feel the same way about my single

17:02

male friends. Like all these single male friends, I'm

17:04

like, you're single for a reason and you got

17:07

to work on that. That's God.

17:09

That's so that's, I mean, that's what

17:11

people say. I'm like, do you have friends?

17:13

And like I do, but they're single for

17:15

a reason and I don't want to put

17:17

you through that. And I'm like, why,

17:20

why are there wonderful single women,

17:22

but not men? Why is

17:24

that? Yeah. I want to know too. I

17:26

need answers. Wait, does your husband

17:28

have any friends? Same

17:30

answer. Single for

17:33

a reason. I think like, yeah, honestly, I

17:36

feel like best case scenario is

17:38

like you catch a good man

17:41

on his like first divorce. Yeah.

17:45

Yeah. I mean, I'm

17:47

getting old enough to where like, that is

17:49

it. And I might have to be a

17:51

step mommy. Could you imagine? Oh

17:53

boy. You know what? You would be such a

17:56

fun stepmom. I think so too. Yeah. I

17:58

feel like I'd be like a Okay,

18:00

listen, I simply don't want to be your

18:02

mother. The only thing, like you

18:04

could tell me shit, I'll tell your dad,

18:06

but like, if it's like super

18:09

important, but if it's not, it could be our

18:11

secret baby. Yeah. Be

18:13

safe and I'm not hearing you. Exactly, like be

18:15

a safe, loving adult that they can trust. Like,

18:17

I feel like that's like best case scenario. I

18:19

think that's what I would want, but then when

18:22

I think about like a teen in my house,

18:24

I'm like, ugh, ugh,

18:26

you're not sticky anymore, but you're dirty and

18:28

teens like don't bathe and like,

18:30

yeah, they smell, they really do.

18:33

And they're scary. Like my friend's

18:35

child, we were like being sassy to

18:37

one another and then she said something extra sassy and

18:39

I was like, that hurt my feelings.

18:41

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. It

18:45

shouldn't have hurt my feelings. Ha ha

18:47

ha ha. Oh my God. Real

18:50

quick, we gotta take a break. Wait

19:00

Jessica, so did you date, what

19:02

was your high school dating experience?

19:04

Because mine was there were

19:06

no gentlemen. I had crushes on

19:09

men or boys or whatever, but

19:11

it was never reciprocated. But

19:14

did you, I was like the only black girl

19:16

in my class. It was like me and my sister. Were

19:18

you the only Chinese girl or? No, I mean

19:20

that's, that's the great, well,

19:23

so in junior high and high school, I moved

19:25

to like kind of the Eastern most end of

19:27

the San Gabriel Valley where I would

19:29

say it's more like, there's probably like 25% Asians, which

19:32

is still a lot. Yeah.

19:35

So, and so I went to a school where

19:37

there was still like a ton of Asian people.

19:39

And so I'm very, very grateful that I

19:41

grew up in the San Gabriel Valley and

19:43

not have like the kind of identity issues

19:46

that a lot of my friends who grew

19:48

up in like all white spaces had because,

19:50

you know, especially during my most formative years,

19:52

like all through elementary school, we

19:55

were the dominant race. So. You

20:01

know, every single class

20:03

had more Asian people than any

20:05

other race. So like, so I

20:07

grew up just being like, yeah, I'm the

20:09

normal one, you know? And then and

20:11

then junior high and high school, I went where there was

20:14

a lot more white people on

20:16

a lot more Latino kids. But

20:18

like, but like, there were

20:20

still so many Asians that it didn't feel

20:22

like, like, I was never

20:24

the only Asian in any space. So

20:28

so that felt fine. But

20:31

I didn't. Oh, I had a non

20:33

existent dating life in high school, but I spent all

20:35

of high school with

20:37

a crush on one dude. Oh,

20:40

my God. I know

20:42

you. Do you like have his Instagram? Do you

20:44

like nobody's up to? No, I have

20:46

no idea. But I'm also very like inactive

20:49

because I'm like, Facebook is like

20:52

what millennial use to keep

20:54

in touch. I got rid of it like

20:57

maybe 10 years ago. And

21:01

I don't know if you went through this, but I

21:03

before I did it, I was like, oh, my God,

21:05

like I'm going to miss out on so much. This

21:07

is the only way I can keep up with people.

21:09

Like I'm going to be so out of the loop

21:11

and out of the conversation. And then the moment I

21:13

deleted it, I never thought about it again. Yeah,

21:16

I deleted it. And I remember being like, Oh, what

21:18

if I log back in one more time? And then

21:20

I was like, for what? For

21:23

what? To see more children,

21:25

the high school classmates had like

21:27

people I don't keep up with. Like I

21:29

think the people from high school that like

21:32

I love and care about, which is two people. And

21:34

then from college, if you want to

21:36

call it that I went to an acting school for two

21:40

years. But like I keep up with

21:42

like five people from there. Those are like my actual friends.

21:44

Like it's just like the people in my life are the

21:46

people who I like genuinely like and care

21:48

to keep up with. And I don't I

21:51

don't need a Facebook, but sometimes on Instagram,

21:53

I'll look up some of my crushes to see

21:55

how they're doing, who they're married to and what their

21:57

children look like. And sometimes I have

21:59

dodged a Bullet. Some of their

22:01

kids came out funky looking. And

22:05

I'd be so mad about a funky ass kid. Did

22:08

you um, did you go

22:10

to any high school reunions? Did your school do

22:12

those? Yes, there was a 10

22:14

year reunion that I was gonna go to.

22:16

And then I was like, for what? I

22:19

don't for

22:21

what? I guess it's also different. If you

22:23

have to like travel, yeah, go, you know,

22:25

travel to Jersey and I was like, am

22:28

I I don't have family in Jersey anymore? Because

22:30

it was just like my little mom,

22:32

dad, sister and mom, dad,

22:34

dad and sisters in Chicago now.

22:37

So I was like, I'd have to get a hotel and

22:39

I'd have to like, do a button. I

22:41

was like, No, I'm not doing it. And

22:43

I don't I don't like, I don't think I missed

22:46

out on anything. You know, yeah, yeah,

22:48

yeah. But I'm also in awe of

22:50

people who are like, okay, so I just learned

22:53

the other Okay, I was talking to this

22:55

year and we were talking about like, how

22:58

she did a bunch like, okay, I don't

23:00

understand how people went

23:02

to school from nine to 3pm

23:04

and then

23:06

stayed for more school for

23:08

clubs. Like were you

23:11

in clubs? Oh, yeah, dude, I

23:13

was like Max Fisher from Rushmore.

23:15

I was in so many

23:17

clubs. I don't understand that. Oh, my

23:19

God. You

23:21

never seen Rushmore? No, I shouldn't

23:23

be surprised. It's very rare that I bring up a

23:26

movie and you're like, I've seen

23:28

that. Yeah, no. Like, what

23:31

did I watch? Just like a

23:33

wall? And I was like, this

23:35

is entertaining. Oh, I was in

23:37

a million clubs. And I was like, very

23:39

involved. I was like the president of two

23:41

different clubs. I was the secretary of a

23:43

third one. I was in like seven clubs.

23:46

I also like tangentially did

23:48

theater like I did theater tech.

23:50

I was the school DJ. I

23:53

wrote for the school newspaper. I did

23:55

so many things. That's so wild

23:57

to me. I truly was like I got

24:00

to go home. I don't want to be

24:02

here anymore to do what? Also,

24:04

I didn't understand how you joined

24:06

clubs. Like, in

24:08

my adult life, I'm like, what did you do? Like, how

24:10

did you find out where the clubs were?

24:12

Like, I, I sound so

24:15

dumb, but I simply don't understand

24:18

how it was done. And so she was like, was your

24:20

sister in clubs? I was like, yes. And she

24:22

was like, why didn't you ask her? And I was like, because

24:24

I didn't want to be at school, like I ended

24:26

up doing track and field. Because Mr.

24:28

Haynes, my gym teacher, we just had

24:31

like, a, like a quarter of where

24:33

we were in the locker room. And

24:35

that was our gym class. And

24:37

he had me bench press. And he was like, Oh, you're

24:40

strong. And I was like, I guess he's like, you should

24:42

throw the shot put. And I was like, Okay, where do

24:44

I go for that? He's like track. And I was like,

24:46

well, where what do you mean? And then

24:48

he literally brought me down to the track

24:50

to meet the coach. And then the coach

24:52

was like, Okay, well, here's how we do

24:55

track. You have to warm up. And I was

24:57

like, No, I won't

24:59

do that. Because you had to like run around the track.

25:01

And I was like, I simply won't. So

25:03

I would come late every day, nobody

25:05

ever said anything. But I would come late all

25:07

the time. And then just like practice or in the

25:09

shop and then go to meets and had a good time. And

25:12

then with drama club, my friend,

25:14

John Mason in chemistry classes, like,

25:16

do you like want to do plays and stuff? And I

25:18

was like, I guess and he's like, come with me after

25:20

school to the drama club. And I was like, Okay, I

25:23

to this day, wouldn't know how to do it on my

25:25

own. This

25:27

all tracks because the

25:30

first time you and I hung out together was on a

25:32

group vacation. And you basically

25:36

were like, someone has to tell me what

25:38

to do and where to go. Yeah, could not figure

25:44

out the driveway of that house. And then in

25:46

the morning, I remember looking around and everyone was

25:49

doing stuff. And I was like, can someone instruct

25:51

me on like how to clean up better because

25:53

I don't I don't have any I don't

25:56

know what to do. I And

26:00

very much a person who's like, I like have

26:02

to look around the class or like look

26:04

around at people and go, oh, okay, that's

26:06

what we're doing. Yeah,

26:08

you need an example. Yeah. Well, it worked

26:10

out really well for our dynamic because all

26:12

I want to do in life is tell everyone

26:15

what to do. And like I remember we went

26:17

to the airport and like they were like, oh,

26:19

we're boarding through this gate. And and to

26:21

be polite, I was like, oh, go ahead.

26:23

I wanted I was going to let you walk first. And you were

26:25

like, no, someone has to go. And

26:29

that was that was the moment where I was like,

26:31

this is going to work out really well, because I

26:33

was fighting every instinct to go first because I wanted

26:35

to go first. But I was like, no, you have

26:38

to be polite. This is your first time hanging out

26:40

with this person. You have to be polite and let

26:42

them go first. Treat them like a guest. And

26:45

I truly was like, no, I don't know how to walk on a

26:48

plane. I

26:51

think I've done 100 times, but I hate

26:53

going first. I simply

26:55

hate it. I always

26:57

like to like watch because I don't want to look

26:59

stupid, even though I look stupid all the time. And

27:02

that's OK. I like I

27:04

own it, but I try really hard not to

27:06

because sometimes people go, oh, you're like

27:08

pretending or like, you know what's going on.

27:10

And I'm like, no, no, I actually don't. And

27:16

I did this game show recently where

27:18

we had to answer questions and then

27:20

you got to see the group's

27:23

questions against the contestants questions. And

27:25

then you can get up and help the

27:27

contestant. And I it

27:29

was like something about like, what is

27:32

the first Bill of Rights that protects free

27:34

press? And I was like, Bill,

27:36

Bill Clinton. And then they were like, what? And I

27:38

was like, that's the only bill I care about. It

27:41

was just a silly little joke. And then when I

27:43

got up to help the contestant, he was like, no

27:45

joke answers. OK, like actually try to help me. And

27:47

I was like, oh, my God. I

27:49

was like, I am going to try to help you. I

27:51

was I wasn't trying to help you when I was sitting.

27:53

And that was just that's for fun. And I was like,

27:56

you're like, you're being neat. Let's

27:59

kill him. Okay.

28:01

Okay. Okay. I

28:03

love that. That is your Solution

28:05

go to answer for everything kill

28:08

him wait I got to show

28:10

you something I So as you

28:12

know from hanging out with me a lot

28:14

murder is very often my go-to for a lot

28:16

of things and on When

28:19

we were in the writers room for she-hulk like anytime

28:22

I didn't like like we were talking shit about

28:25

somebody anytime somebody I hear about somebody doing

28:27

something that I didn't like or I Just

28:29

didn't like them as a person. I would

28:31

say they're cordial. They're invited to die They're

28:33

cordially invited to die and and

28:36

so for Christmas the writers room got

28:38

me these custom printed invocations That

28:42

say you are cordially invited to

28:44

die on like beautiful stationary That's

28:47

so sweet. I love when people do

28:49

shit like that. That's Am

28:51

I gonna go? I know it's so thoughtful thoughtful. I

28:54

love it I also love that you once brought

28:56

a ham leg from Costco to the writers

28:58

room Yeah, and we went

29:01

through three entire hand What

29:03

a during the course of our writers room? I

29:06

simply love that I feel like you run like

29:09

such a fun fucking room. I want

29:11

to be at a room with you I'm yeah, we

29:13

had a good time because I

29:15

don't believe in staying late I don't

29:18

think anything gets funnier after seven

29:20

and also I don't think anyone

29:22

I don't think you do work

29:25

like you produce good work if you don't have a

29:27

life because then because all we do

29:29

all day in writers rooms is Steal

29:31

from everyone's personal experiences and if you're

29:33

not having personal experiences because you're stuck

29:35

at fucking work every day and night

29:37

Like then there's nothing for us to

29:39

mine. I Agree,

29:42

so I did my special and I

29:44

think it came out December 2021

29:48

and then like

29:50

the expectation is after a special comes out You

29:52

tour and I was also

29:54

working on a show so I

29:57

had no time to live a life And

29:59

that's what I said I was like, I haven't lived.

30:01

I don't know how to write a joke about being

30:04

on set or like driving to a lot. I was

30:06

like, that's not relatable. And I have to like live

30:08

a life to figure out how to relate

30:11

to people again, you know? And I

30:13

did wanna keep talking about the pandemic.

30:15

So it was just such a mind fuck. And I fully

30:17

agree with you. Like you have to fucking live in order

30:20

to create art. Yeah, yeah. Cause

30:22

there's a finite well-lived experience that

30:24

you're drawing from. You have to keep making

30:26

them, yeah. But yeah,

30:28

we had a lot of fun. Yes, real quick.

30:31

We gotta take a break. Ha

30:34

ha ha ha. And

30:44

we're back. Okay, so you've won

30:46

an Emmy, which is really cool because

30:48

I have not. And

30:51

that's the only reason it's cool. And

30:54

the moment you win yours, it's gonna

30:56

cease being cool. It's not gonna be

30:58

cool anymore. But you won for Rick

31:00

and Morty, which is a show that

31:02

like, I feel like boys

31:04

like that show. I think women like it too, but

31:06

I feel like it's like a boys boy show. And

31:09

I've only really heard men talk about it. But you

31:11

wrote it for Pickle Rick and I've never watched

31:13

Rick and Morty, but I've heard about Pickle Rick.

31:15

I've heard about it before I met you. And

31:18

so I've learned, I didn't know this,

31:20

that you were harassed on Twitter and your personal information

31:23

was leaked by the show fans. No,

31:25

my personal information was not leaked.

31:27

But even before the third,

31:32

so it was the third season that I wrote on it, it

31:34

was the first time they hired female writers. And

31:37

before this third season premiered, all

31:40

these trolls found out that there

31:42

were female writers and were like,

31:44

how dare you? And

31:46

we're going online and just really talking

31:48

shit and talking

31:51

shit in general, but then also tweeting

31:53

at us. But like

31:55

truly the most insane things because there are people

31:57

who don't understand how television is made. And the people would

31:59

be like. why don't you give give

32:01

Dan and Justin their show back like

32:03

as if Like

32:05

as if they hired these like

32:08

lower level writers Who then came

32:10

in and we're like well, it's

32:12

our show now Like we just

32:14

like Somali pirated their show and we're

32:16

like this is our show now And you

32:18

gotta do what we say Oh wild internet

32:20

is so silly and dumb and also

32:23

fun and happy And silly but it's

32:25

just funny that people were like these

32:27

women we hate they're gonna ruin our

32:29

show This is and it's like it's

32:31

a room you generate ideas and then

32:34

yeah, you go off to script or whatever But it's

32:36

from a room idea. It's from a room outline Yeah

32:39

And at the end of the day the showrunners

32:41

are the ones who called the shots like they're

32:43

the ones who They're the bosses like

32:45

they run everything everyone is trying to

32:47

help them achieve their vision, you

32:49

know Mm-hmm. Yeah Also,

32:52

okay I've never asked you this because I'm

32:55

you know trying to be chill and cool and stuff and keep

32:57

our friendship nice and light You got to work

32:59

with Meg the Stallion on she-hulk And

33:03

because I watched all the she-hulk When

33:05

I was in my phase of I I think I

33:07

care about Marvel because I had just done

33:09

a podcast about Marvel So I was like I

33:11

care about this whole universe But

33:13

now I'm like it's too much. It's Lord

33:16

Jesus. But what was it like to work

33:18

with Meg? Um,

33:20

well the Our time

33:22

with her was very very short Like I think

33:24

we shot everything that of hers in like one

33:26

day because you know, she's busy if she's busy

33:31

Yeah, and that day

33:33

I think we were shooting two episodes at

33:35

once No,

33:37

I was covering the other set I

33:39

was only on her set for like maybe

33:42

a couple hours Like basically when

33:44

the episode I was covering like wrapped like

33:46

ran over to the other And

33:49

I met her briefly in her trailer. She was very nice and

33:51

just she's very sweet and clearly

33:53

so talented Like he really is just

33:56

a machine like she just turns on

33:58

and like does everything perfectly and

34:01

was so game for everything, it was

34:03

incredible. And Tatiana Mazzlani

34:05

is the biggest Meg

34:07

The Sallyan fan and just, I mean,

34:10

just was dying every second of the day. What

34:14

a dream. I know,

34:17

truly. Also, shooting two episodes

34:19

at once, I think should

34:21

be illegal. I think it's rude. Yeah.

34:26

Especially block shooting where you're like, okay, this

34:29

is 101, this is 102. Because

34:32

it's like the same, the reason why, okay, if you're

34:34

not in the industry, you block shoot and do two

34:36

episodes at once, because you can use the same set

34:38

for two episodes at one time, and then you

34:40

can like move on or whatever, change the

34:42

stage, the sound stage. But

34:45

like, you'll be like, wait, what is

34:47

happening? Where am I coming from? And

34:49

then flipping pages being like, oh, you're

34:51

coming from this, but then script changes

34:53

happen. So then it just gets so

34:55

fucking confusing. And it could be illegal.

34:58

It is very, very hard because you're

35:00

doing it for like pragmatic reasons, you know,

35:02

and like money saving and time saving reasons.

35:04

But then it like really fucks

35:06

with the performers because they're like, okay, now

35:09

I'm at the end of the season and

35:11

I'm in this emotional scene, all of this

35:13

shit has happened. But then the next scene

35:15

I do, it's the beginning of the season

35:18

and I'm a totally different person.

35:21

And I'm talented, but you have to

35:23

remember I'm an idiot. So it's so

35:25

hard to do those switches sometimes. Okay,

35:28

Jessica, I've also never said this

35:30

to you because again, friendship, don't

35:32

I like overstep? Listen, let's pitch

35:34

to Marvel a show about Storm.

35:37

I don't wanna play Storm. I'm too fat

35:39

to play Storm, but I can be Storm's

35:41

fat best friend. All

35:47

right, let's do it. I'll text Kevin

35:49

by you right now. Text Kevin Feige, that's

35:51

what I call him. I'm

35:54

her fat best friend and I'm like, Storm it's so

35:56

hot. Can you make it windy? Ha ha

35:59

ha ha ha ha ha. Wait,

36:03

I just want to go back to like

36:05

high school and stuff. Like your mom

36:08

is truly like this

36:10

incredible character of a woman.

36:13

And so funny to me. Do

36:16

you, does she ever put pressure on you to

36:18

date? Oh, God, no.

36:21

No, no. Well, that's the

36:23

thing with Asian parents. You're not supposed to

36:25

date ever until you graduate college

36:27

and then you're supposed to be immediately married.

36:30

Like that's the trajectory. You're not allowed to date

36:32

all through high school. You're not allowed to date

36:34

all through college. And

36:37

then the moment you graduate, they're like, why aren't you

36:39

married? You should be, you should be totally, you should

36:42

be married and having kids. And you're

36:44

like, how would I walk

36:46

me through your logic of how this would work?

36:51

That is very wild. Why aren't you

36:53

married yet? Well, I wasn't allowed to

36:55

date, so that's why. Yeah. Yes.

36:58

And so they were, I mean, they were so psyched. You

37:01

would love the story of when I got

37:03

engaged. Like it

37:05

was very sweet and engagement story. And then after

37:07

he proposed, like we go inside and I mean,

37:10

I could tell the whole long story, but it's

37:12

very off topic at this point. But basically after

37:14

he proposed, we go back inside the house and

37:17

he proposed to you. So

37:19

he proposed to me during the

37:21

pandemic, during lockdown. And it

37:24

was on his birthday, which, which

37:26

was really smart because I never would have saw

37:28

it coming, you know, like that we've been together

37:30

for like seven and a half years. And we'd

37:32

always like talked about getting married and we

37:35

just never felt any pressure to do it. Because I think

37:37

we both were just like, well, this is obviously a

37:39

forever thing. So what's the point? You

37:41

know, like there just wasn't any pressure. We're like,

37:43

we'll get to it. Like it's on our checklist.

37:45

You didn't have like, it just didn't feel, it

37:47

didn't feel that important because we were like, it's

37:49

good. This is already forever, you know? I

37:52

want to dream. I want that. I

37:55

know you love my relationship. I do.

37:57

He's so nice. He is great. I

38:00

mean truly there this is gonna make you cry but truly

38:02

there is nobody else in my life that is more

38:04

team me Than my husband. I

38:08

know it's really wonderful. So so we've been

38:10

talking about it, you know, like just as

38:12

this abstract like yeah Yeah, yeah, like we'll eventually

38:14

do it. But like we're not neither of us is in

38:16

a hurry and then like We

38:20

and then around like, you know 2019

38:23

we were on vacation and he was like, maybe

38:26

we should start talking about what kind of ring you want

38:28

You know, like do you have any ideas of what kind

38:30

of ring you would want and you know, and I was

38:32

like I don't know. I haven't thought about it. Let me

38:34

think about it because I'm not a diamond girly Because

38:37

I'm very anti the diamond monopoly. Yes Yes,

38:42

and no, I love blood diamonds now Those

38:46

are my favorite yeah, yeah, I might say I

38:49

actually think they should be bloodier and that's why

38:51

I'm anti-diamond More people

38:53

should die over these diamonds so

38:56

so, you know was like Really

38:58

like trying to figure it out and I took a while

39:00

and a really good friend of ours She

39:03

kind of took the initiative because she and

39:05

her husband are like our best couples friend

39:07

that they've been like get married You know,

39:10

so we she and I went to lunch and

39:12

after what she was like, why don't we pop over

39:14

to this, you know like This

39:17

like vintage jewelry shop, you know And I'm

39:19

just like a couple doors down from where we're

39:21

having lunch and I was like, alright, you know

39:24

I wasn't in the mindset, but we went

39:26

and looked and I saw this gorgeous

39:29

like Emerald

39:31

art deco ring from the 1920s

39:33

and I tried it on and it was exactly my size

39:36

And I was like I love this ring And

39:38

so she took a photo of it and sent

39:40

it to my husband and was like

39:43

I found that we found the ring and

39:45

my husband didn't believe her because

39:47

I felt because this was like summer and I

39:51

found out that he didn't buy that ring

39:53

until like like three or four

39:55

months later And yeah,

39:57

and then he didn't propose me until

39:59

like. Like. Another, like a month

40:01

later. It's also what the fuck with

40:03

a whole that yeah g load? Why

40:05

He said that he didn't believe her

40:07

that that was the ring because he

40:09

had consulted with her. Over the years

40:12

like on gifts to give me like

40:14

yes. My birthday get up and there were a couple

40:16

of times where see. Miss the mark really badly.

40:18

He. As he would like. This is

40:21

not like a fucking purse that I can

40:23

like Go in return Like this is is

40:25

liberating Wins This is ruined her engagement and

40:27

I don't want I wanted to be perfect.

40:29

You know know what a bad ring

40:31

to rule if you wrong with ruins

40:33

her engagement you know says oh and.

40:35

She was like I'm telling you, why would they are She

40:37

was that that the oneness of the. Spot. For

40:39

like weeks until she finally convinced

40:42

him that. She was like that She

40:44

wasn't wrong about idea know we love the

40:46

three. So. Then he went back to

40:48

bought it but he said he had caught he. He

40:50

first called the store and said. Like. To.

40:53

I'm interested if anybody else comes in

40:55

and is interested. Call me and I woke.

40:58

I will Died on Mars. Yeah so so

41:00

he kind of quote unquote, had it on

41:02

hold. you know he's ah and that's why

41:04

he then he switched the happily spend weeks

41:06

arguing about whether or not as the rate

41:08

that. He got it and then he told me about

41:10

the really waited so long was he was like oh

41:12

you know of all proposed her at christmas. Ah,

41:15

And we went to his parents' house but then

41:17

it didn't feel like the right time when he

41:19

didn't feel right moment so then he would like

41:21

I know in the spring will take a nice

41:23

trip. And. in the spring of twenty

41:25

twenty we that he will take a wonderful the

41:27

chase and I'll propose to her on this. Fix

41:29

it man that's at a lot the on app

41:32

added he was like okay after two weeks of

41:34

lot the i want a world in fact mama

41:36

awful. Some then

41:38

it was like oh we're probably never

41:40

get isn't on average as were in

41:43

our then forever Yeah so them he

41:45

thought like okay what's the next. Major

41:48

occasion my birthday.

41:51

But with very smart as I never have all the days

41:53

of the year. I will never respect is where they

41:55

to them. For. Is where there was like would

41:57

he want to do like? You know we're in luck. Amazon Assad's.

42:00

Like, how do you wanna spend your birthday? And

42:02

he was like, you know, I kinda just want a,

42:05

like a quiet dinner, just you and me at home. Like, let's

42:07

go get takeout from our favorite restaurant, which is

42:09

Gwen. And then

42:12

let's eat on our porch. Yeah, like we'll have a candle

42:14

at dinner on our porch. And

42:16

so what's funny is the

42:19

week before his birthday, he

42:21

started talking about how

42:23

he wants to get a leash and harness

42:25

for a cat and harness train him. And

42:28

I was like, why? And he

42:30

was like, you know, so he can hang out on the

42:32

porch with us. And I was like, for all those times, we

42:34

hang out on the porch with our cat. And

42:38

it was because he wanted him to be there. So

42:41

he bought a leash and harness and put her.

42:43

So we went and got takeout. We set up

42:45

this like knife candle lit dinner on our porch.

42:47

We leash and harness the cat to the porch.

42:49

And the cat's like, why the fuck am I

42:51

here? I'm gonna harness. Leave

42:54

me alone, let me be inside. Yeah, like why

42:56

am I here? And

42:59

tied up. And we have this lovely dinner.

43:01

We'd already done presents, you know, and we have

43:03

this lovely dinner and we're done eating. We're kind

43:05

of just hanging out. And then

43:07

he goes, oh, I actually

43:09

have a present for you. And I said,

43:11

but it's your birthday. And he said, well,

43:14

there's no celebrating you without, or there's no

43:16

celebrating me without celebrating you. And

43:18

then Nicole's gonna cry. And

43:21

then he gives me this wrapped gift and

43:23

I open it up. And so my husband's

43:26

an artist, he's an illustrator. And

43:29

it was a framed drawing that he had

43:31

done of him proposing to me with the

43:33

cat as the witness. And then I look

43:35

up from the picture and he's down when

43:37

he was throwing out. And our cat is still there on

43:39

the harness looking like, why am I here? I

43:42

don't think I knew that part. Yeah,

43:44

isn't that so sweet? He's so

43:46

sweet. Yeah, and he gave me

43:49

this lovely speech about how important I

43:51

was and how all the good things in

43:55

his life were because I was in it. And

43:58

then he, so then he was like, you know,

44:00

so will you marry me? And I just went, okay.

44:04

And then we went inside and we FaceTimed

44:07

with his parents and

44:13

like his mom's burst into tears

44:15

and his crying and his parents are

44:17

so happy. And then we call my

44:19

parents. And

44:22

my mom, we tell my parents and

44:24

my mom screams in English, so that's

44:27

how you know she was excited that she's speaking

44:29

English. She screams in English, finally,

44:31

someone finally wants my daughter.

44:33

Who? That's not fair.

44:38

She is literally the

44:41

best part of any party. I just know it. That

44:43

is the funniest thing to say. I'm

44:46

getting married and she screams, finally

44:48

somebody wants my daughter. What is

44:50

your dad like? I've never asked

44:52

about your dad. Oh, cause he gets

44:54

overshadowed by the stories of family. He's

44:57

like Homer Simpson. He doesn't want to be bothered. He

44:59

wants to just lay on the couch, he

45:01

wants to sit in his recliner and watch Family Feud.

45:04

That's all he wants. He doesn't want to have to participate. He

45:06

doesn't want to be part of the conversation. He doesn't

45:08

want to give an opinion about something. He

45:10

wants to like chill out and eat. I'm

45:13

into it. That's a nice life. Like

45:15

at every family party, like every

45:17

holiday celebration, at some point,

45:20

and my parents love hosting. They always have like

45:22

12, 15, 20 people over

45:25

for like any holiday. At

45:27

some point towards the end of dinner when everyone's

45:30

kind of done eating but still like hanging out

45:32

at the table, my dad will just silently get

45:34

up and leave and disappear and

45:36

never come back. And you'll be like, we're

45:38

Chrissy and he's in bed watching TV. I

45:41

love that. That was my dad. My dad also was

45:44

like, I think

45:46

I'm overwhelmed and overstimulated and I simply don't need

45:48

to be around these people anymore. But my mom

45:50

loved being around people. Yeah, yeah. It's

45:53

the classic introvert extrovert pairing.

45:56

Okay, I'm an introvert

45:59

sometimes. but most of the time,

46:01

no, I'm an extrovert, but sometimes I

46:03

need to recharge. I just want someone

46:05

who's like that, like an introverted extrovert

46:07

who's like, I'm down to clown, but

46:09

also I'll let you clown as much

46:12

as you want to, and I like it. You

46:15

and your husband truly seem like, I

46:19

don't, like you compliment each other so

46:21

well, and that's so nice. We're

46:25

a good fit, and I also think that one of

46:27

the secrets, at least for us, of

46:29

having a healthy, balanced relationship is that we

46:32

have separate lives. Like,

46:34

I feel like a lot of

46:36

people run into this issue of like

46:38

expecting your partner to be everything

46:40

for you, and

46:42

like that's just, I just don't think that's realistic. I

46:44

think that's too much pressure to put on one

46:46

person, like he can't be my everything, I'm not

46:48

gonna be is everything, you know? Like, you need

46:51

other people in your life, you know? Like, I

46:53

don't want to drag him to, I

46:55

never understood couples where like, one partner always

46:57

drags the other person to events

46:59

that they don't want to go to. Like, I

47:01

love that he doesn't want to go to all

47:04

the social events that I go to, because you

47:06

also don't want to, like why would you drag your partner there

47:08

if they don't want to be there? Then you have to babysit

47:10

them all night, and then also like

47:12

they're just having a horrible time, like

47:14

why? Like, I'm perfectly fine going to

47:16

somewhere and just hanging out with my

47:18

friends, like I don't need him to

47:21

just physically be there, you know,

47:23

and vice versa. Like,

47:25

yeah, I don't get people who

47:27

bring their partners everywhere. When we

47:29

went to Palm Springs and ran

47:31

into a mutual friend

47:33

of a couple of ours, and she was

47:35

on a girls trip, and she had brought

47:38

her fucking boyfriend, and when I walked past

47:40

the table, I was like, the vibes are

47:42

weird here, and I was like, there's a

47:44

man among the ladies? And

47:47

I was like, that's unhinged, that's like next

47:49

level, I can't be without this person. But

47:51

it's like, I want to be in a

47:53

relationship where I can leave you, and you

47:56

can go fucking find a thing, even if

47:58

it's just like watching TV all. and

48:00

free of me, and they can be like, oh, I

48:02

watch this and this and this, all this stuff you

48:04

hate, I'm gonna tell you about it. And I'm like,

48:06

yay, I don't have to watch it, but I'll listen

48:09

to you talk about it, because you like it. That's

48:11

what I want. Yeah, because then you have stuff to

48:13

talk to each other about, too. Yeah.

48:17

12 years is a long time. Do you think that's the biggest

48:20

thing that makes it work? That, and

48:22

you like, genuinely like each other? I hate

48:24

couples who seem to hate each other. And I'm

48:26

like, it's not funny. Y'all should break up. Yeah,

48:28

like why? What is the point? Yeah, I

48:31

think so. I think it's all of those things,

48:33

you know? Like, it still surprises me that like,

48:36

when I go out, like went

48:38

out drinking with my friends, like when I come

48:40

home late and he's already asleep, I still

48:42

get bummed out. I'm like, oh, I missed

48:44

out on his last waking moment, you know,

48:46

like. Ha ha ha ha ha

48:48

ha ha ha ha ha ha. Okay, when I

48:50

put it that way, it feels very creepy.

48:52

And you pass on, and you're getting into

48:55

bed with a corpse. Ha ha ha ha.

48:58

And there's nothing wrong with that. Is

49:00

that what you're into? But that's

49:02

so, I love that. That is

49:05

so romantic. Yeah. That

49:07

you're like, oh man, I missed out on saying good

49:09

night to my favorite person. Or I missed like a

49:11

kiss we could have had. Or he could have told

49:13

me something that would make me happy. Yeah. Oh

49:16

my gosh, Jessica. It's nice that it's been 12 years

49:18

and I still feel that way. And I live in

49:20

fear that one day I won't feel that way more.

49:23

Cause that would be so scary to me

49:25

if I stopped feeling that way. Oh

49:27

God. And it happens to

49:30

people. Yeah. It's like you just wake

49:32

up and you're like, not this.

49:34

But I feel like when that happens to people, it's

49:37

not a sudden thing. I think from the

49:39

jump, there is like a little thing in

49:41

the back of their mind that that's like,

49:43

this person isn't right. Do you

49:45

know what I mean? Ooh, Mars says something.

49:48

Mars says, oh, it happens a

49:50

lot when girls change birth control.

49:52

That makes sense. Yeah, fucking

49:54

hormones, man. I don't

49:56

know if you're on birth control, but I was on birth control

49:58

for a year and it. fucked me up. I

50:01

got it removed because I had the little

50:04

army plant and I feel so much better.

50:07

Wait, did we talk

50:09

about the copper IUD? I don't

50:11

know if we have. I had a

50:13

copper IUD for nine years and I loved it because

50:15

there's no hormones. Oh,

50:18

great. I love that. Yeah, because once I

50:20

hit my early 30s, like maybe even like

50:22

29 or 30, like,

50:28

you know, like oral birth control, like the

50:30

pill. Why did I say oral birth control?

50:32

Because you're fancy. Because I'm

50:35

a secret doctor. It

50:40

just started all because I used to feel,

50:42

I know it's hard to imagine me

50:44

feeling smug, I

50:47

used to be so smug about the fact that I

50:49

would take the pill and like I never had any

50:51

of the side effects at all. Like all my female

50:53

friends would complain about, you know, like like

50:57

waking and moodiness and bloating and mood

50:59

swings and all that. I never had

51:01

any of those. So I was like,

51:04

sorry, built different genetically superior. And then

51:08

when I was like 29, 30, because

51:10

there was a short time where I was off

51:13

birth control and then I got back on it. And then I

51:15

was like, wait, like something's wrong.

51:17

Like this is hitting me differently. Like, is

51:19

this a brand, you know, like, because I

51:21

think I was on generic and I was

51:23

like, put me back on the name brand.

51:25

And it wasn't that. And I was like,

51:28

why? Like then all that I was getting

51:30

all the bad symptoms. And I was like,

51:32

what's happening? Did they change

51:34

the formula? And my doctor was like,

51:36

no, you're older now. And the hormones

51:38

affect you differently. Oh, yeah.

51:42

How wild. Yeah. And I was like, well,

51:44

I don't like that. I don't want hormones.

51:46

And so then we talked about an IUD. And

51:50

then he was like, yeah, you can get the copper

51:52

IUD. There's no hormones. It's just the copper works. And

51:54

so I got that and it was wonderful. So

51:57

they just put copper in you and then what it like

51:59

dings around and It kills the

52:01

sperm. It kills the sperm. Like

52:04

a pinball machine. It just shoots around 24-7

52:06

hunting down the bird. Maybe

52:11

I'll get that. I don't know. I'm getting old enough that I'm like,

52:13

I don't think I'm gonna get pregnant. Let's

52:16

get real. If it hasn't happened,

52:18

I don't think it's happening. Copper

52:20

makes your womb inhospitable for, I

52:24

think, for just our fertilized egg to

52:26

be able to stick around. Whoa! I

52:28

wonder how they figured that out. Who

52:31

knows? But so it's a little, so it's the

52:33

same, because there are RUDs with hormones. So

52:37

it's the exact same thing, except it's just made

52:39

of copper and has no hormones in it. And

52:41

then it goes up in you and it just stays

52:44

there and it's just, it basically is there to kill

52:46

the vibe for anyone who's trying to have a baby

52:48

in there. That's so funny.

52:50

Sperm is like, hey, I

52:52

think I want to talk to this egg.

52:55

And it's like, no, bitch. No, you don't.

52:57

Everybody out. It's like a bouncer. It's like

52:59

everybody out. This is private fucking property. It's

53:01

like a 24. It's like ADT, private security

53:04

for your womb. It's like everybody out. No

53:06

one's allowed to stay here. You guys have

53:08

no, this is trespassing. We're missing an opportunity

53:11

to have like adult schoolhouse rock. I would

53:13

really enjoy seeing that animated with a

53:15

song. That would

53:17

be great. Okay, we'll go pitch that right after this.

53:21

Oh, Jessica, thank

53:23

you so much for being here. You have

53:25

anything that you want to promote? Nope.

53:28

And do not find me on social

53:30

media. I'm not there. All

53:34

I want to promote is my beautiful friendship with

53:36

you, Nicole. This is so

53:38

funny. I think you're the only person to be

53:40

like, no, I simply don't want to promote a

53:42

thing. I don't want to. How

53:45

about this? Watch She-Hulk on Disney

53:47

Plus to get you some residues. Oh,

53:49

you're right. You're right. Sorry. I rescind that.

53:52

Sorry. You created it. Yes.

53:54

Yes. So fucking cool. Watch

53:57

She-Hulk attorney at law exclusively.

54:00

on Disney Plus, it's a great show, a

54:02

lot of wonderful people worked on it, and

54:04

we're very happy and proud of it. But

54:07

it still don't find me on social media.

54:09

So funny that that wasn't the thing that

54:11

you were like, I should promote that. Like

54:13

it's impressive to get a thing made, especially

54:16

with Marvel property, and it's cool that they

54:18

chose you. And it's so

54:20

awesome, and you're just like, whatever, nothing.

54:25

Jessica, I think you're so funny and smart and

54:27

talented, and I'm glad you're my friend, and I'm

54:30

glad you did this episode of the podcast, because

54:32

I find you to be delightful. Oh,

54:35

likewise. Yay!

54:38

Well, that's it for these. Hey, you didn't

54:40

ask me the question. Oh yeah, I fucking

54:42

forgot. This is so funny. I forget,

54:45

I would say 60% of

54:47

the time, and Mars sometimes has to tell

54:49

me, or we just all forget. Okay, Jessica,

54:51

would you date me? Of

54:53

course I would. But how funny would it

54:56

be, how mean would it be if I

54:58

reminded you that you didn't ask me, and then

55:00

I just went, no. It would be on, I

55:03

wouldn't be surprised. I would be like, oh, Jessica. And

55:07

then I would bring it up later, and I'd be like, are you

55:09

sure you don't want to date me? What?

55:14

Although I do want to go back to those outlets in Palm

55:16

Springs. I had a very nice time with you. Walking

55:20

through the Gucci store being like, no, no, no. We

55:22

don't like any of this, no, no. Okay,

55:26

that's it for this episode of

55:28

Why Won't It Date Me? If

55:30

you like it, you can rate it, you

55:33

can subscribe, you can give me five stars

55:35

on the Apple Podcast. If you write me

55:37

a nasty message hitting on me to whywon't

55:39

youdatemepodcastatgmail.com, I will read it. And

55:44

also don't send Mars dick pics, you don't

55:46

want them. Okay, this

55:48

person said, I'm

55:51

a galloping on a black stallion

55:53

in a lush field. My ass

55:55

is bouncing up and down. My

55:57

large double D breasts. Out

56:00

of my leather course it juggles

56:03

with every gallup. I see a

56:05

large tree and the disease is

56:07

green. Lush mans is laden with

56:10

pink betting blossoms which falls as

56:12

seeing everything below him think petals

56:15

including Osiris maiden of them all.

56:17

It's oh okay. That. Was

56:19

a nasty nasty that was

56:21

more of like a Daniel

56:23

seal like romance email but

56:25

like it. So.

56:34

Why would he give me a

56:36

call? Buyer by me know. If

56:39

executive south and if we have

56:41

a just rough outing. With

56:44

pilot looking at holiday seen up at

56:46

Easter and that he asked that question

56:48

for you did a story or dirty

56:51

messes for a call right into why

56:53

we didn't he podcast and his mother

56:55

com. For chance to have it featured on

56:57

a feature show Think. We'll

57:00

see next week without. I know

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you know there's always something that i

57:50

really need to talk about and think

57:53

on i would like as but then

57:55

there's stuff that i don't want to

57:57

reveal publicly so i talk to us

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