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4:00

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4:10

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4:12

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4:15

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4:18

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4:25

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4:27

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4:31

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4:52

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4:54

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4:57

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4:59

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5:01

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5:04

are... My guess

5:06

is... ...

5:09

is a Tony Award-winning actor you know

5:11

as Mitch Mitchell from Modern

5:13

Family. Also, I saw him in Take

5:15

Me Out on Broadway, and

5:17

honestly, it was so good. And I saw

5:19

him in the 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling

5:21

Bee, and we went

5:24

to the same school! And

5:29

he is the host of the

5:31

podcast, Dinners on Me, available everywhere

5:33

you stream podcasts. It's

5:35

Jesse Tyler Ferguson!

5:40

Yes! That's why you need

5:42

that coffee right there. Okay,

5:44

this is a venti iced coffee.

5:47

There's no ice? No, because

5:49

it was bought a while ago, and that's okay. It was in

5:51

the refrigerator. Okay, okay. And

5:53

there's no classic syrup and four

5:55

shots of espresso. Shoot. Shoot

5:58

me, Tony! Oh my god.

6:03

And Nicole has shot out of

6:05

the roof. Wait,

6:07

okay. Jesse. Yes.

6:11

So you're married. I am. That's

6:14

lovely. It is lovely. It's lovely

6:16

because I like the person I'm married to. You

6:18

know, I wish that for me. Wait,

6:20

how did you meet? You met in a gym, right? That

6:23

is correct. We met at

6:25

the Equinox in West Hollywood. Oh my goodness.

6:27

But really that's kind of like where the

6:29

fantasy ends. I mean, we were both like

6:31

fully clothed. So

6:34

Modern Family had just started. The pilot had just

6:37

aired like a few days before. And

6:39

Justin, my eventual

6:42

husband, was, he was studying

6:44

for the bar exam. He's

6:47

graduating from law school. And so

6:49

he was also very interested in the

6:52

fight for marriage equality at the time.

6:55

And that was like really, you know, churning

6:58

along Proposition 8, which had taken rights away

7:01

from same-sex couples here in California, was

7:03

like highly active. And you know, it

7:05

was a touchy thing. And

7:08

so he was getting very involved in that

7:10

fight. So he approached me just

7:13

to sort of say, hey, I think the Modern Family

7:15

is going to do like really great things for this

7:18

fight for marriage equality. And like, you know, told me

7:20

all these really beautiful things. And I'm like, how

7:22

old are you? What's your name? I

7:25

was like, you're cute. You like me? You

7:27

think I'm going to be successful? Hello? He

7:32

was like, he kind of like got scared

7:34

and ran away. But

7:37

we found each other on social media and I

7:39

asked him out and he was like, I

7:41

would go out with you, but I'm seeing

7:43

someone right now, but we could go out as friends.

7:46

And I told him, because I was 10 years older than

7:49

him. So it's like, and I've been doing that dating thing

7:51

where it's like that ambiguous thing. Is this a date? Is

7:53

it not a date? I was

7:55

so tired of it. I was like, I

7:57

have enough friends and I took a

7:59

path. I was like, I

8:01

don't need a weird, complicated relationship with a

8:03

guy 10 years younger than me. I get

8:05

it, I get it, but I always go,

8:08

I'm in. Yeah, yeah. I love

8:10

the mystery. I love going home being

8:12

like, was that a date? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

8:14

But smart on you to be like, I don't need any

8:16

other friends. But it took me a while to learn that.

8:18

It did take me a while. And

8:20

eventually, I saw him again months later and

8:24

I asked him how his boyfriend was. He was like, oh, we're no

8:26

longer together. I was like, great. So I'm gonna

8:28

take you out to dinner. And I think he even said, this

8:30

is a date. I was like, I'm not gonna do the ambiguous.

8:32

I guess this is a date, this is not a date thing.

8:35

I think he was just really excited by my, I

8:38

was just very specific with

8:40

my needs. I mean, I

8:42

think that's smart and I wish

8:45

I knew how to do that. My therapist is always

8:47

like, so if you tell somebody what you want and

8:49

they run away, at least you know that

8:51

they don't want the same things as you. But I'm like,

8:53

but it's the running away part, I don't know. Yeah,

8:55

yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's not nice. No, it's

8:57

not nice. So

8:59

after Modern Family came out, did

9:02

you have people in your DMs being like, hmm,

9:04

Justin? Well, this is the thing because I

9:06

met Justin so early in that process.

9:10

Well, I mean, I basically did the whole first season. I

9:12

was single. And

9:15

then Justin, I started dating around the

9:17

second season, the second season started. But

9:20

I didn't have, people were really saying, you

9:22

should hold off and just sort of let

9:25

yourself be single during this time. And

9:28

I mean, P-suite's just like really

9:30

glad that I didn't. I don't know. Well,

9:33

I mean, it's the opportune time to be really

9:36

slutty. It is. Because you're successful

9:38

and like visible and it's like, uh-uh, I can have whoever

9:40

I want. I mean, but can I? I'm

9:42

also like so like, I mean, I

9:44

don't have a, I don't wanna say I don't have a

9:47

great self-esteem, because I do, I think I leave myself. But

9:51

I don't have, I'm not

9:53

the type of person that, if I'm

9:55

not 100% sure that you are 100% into me, I'm

9:59

not gonna even try. Oh. Yeah.

10:03

What am I like? What

10:05

are you like? I don't know. I think

10:07

when I was younger, I'd be like, whatever. We're going to just

10:10

throw shit against the wall and see what sticks. And now I'm

10:12

like, I think I'm now I'm a little bit more

10:14

cautious. Right. Is it because you don't

10:16

want to get hurt or just because you don't want to waste your

10:18

time? Oh, I don't want to get hurt. Oh,

10:20

I'll waste time. Oh, Lord. Oh, you

10:22

better give me some time to waste. Yeah.

10:25

I've wasted so much time on people. It's

10:28

the getting hurt part where I'm like, oh, I don't want to

10:30

be sad. Right. You know?

10:32

Right. But I mean,

10:35

you've also, I'm sure, rejected people

10:37

or said no to people. Barely.

10:41

Barely. I've rejected maybe

10:43

five people in my life. Okay. But

10:46

those five people might have been sad that, you know, and it

10:48

wasn't a personal thing for them or maybe it was. All

10:51

five people I rejected were scary. In

10:57

a way, we're like, they weren't doing well. They

11:00

were on their own journeys. I don't think I was ever a

11:02

thought. I think they were like, okay, on to the next lady. Yeah. Like,

11:05

I don't think they cared. But

11:08

dating as you get older just gets harder.

11:10

Oh, you haven't done apps or anything, really. You know, it's so

11:13

funny. Like right when Justin and

11:15

I first met, I did

11:17

upload, download, upload, download,

11:20

upload. Who knows? I put

11:22

Grindr on my phone. But

11:24

it was so new, I really didn't understand. I

11:27

don't think Grindr had even understood what it was. Like,

11:30

it was like, oh, friends that

11:32

are close. Friends

11:34

that are close, then none of them will have a

11:37

face. Right, right, right. But it was one of those

11:39

things, I was like, oh, I think this is something

11:41

different than I expected it to be. And I didn't,

11:43

I wasn't active on it for very long. But

11:47

I was still like, I did the whole AOL

11:49

chat room thing. Like, I'm old enough for that.

11:52

I'll be 48 this year. So

11:55

yeah, like, in my 20s, early 20s, the AOL

11:57

chat room was the thing that you could do.

12:00

I also did chat rooms, but I was a little younger.

12:03

And my screening was hot chocolate 808. And

12:06

I was like 13 being like. Is

12:09

808 the area code? No, eight's my favorite number.

12:11

Zero's my sister's favorite number. And I was like,

12:13

better put on another eight. Yeah, why not? Because

12:15

otherwise I figured 80 year old. Oh

12:18

my God, I didn't even think of that. Like

12:21

man, this lady is old. Yeah. But

12:23

I would just be like, I have big boobies and I'm 34. Oh.

12:27

Which is insane. And I

12:29

was just like, I don't know, trying to like catfish

12:32

these men. I don't know. Like I

12:34

was just trying to like get them to say nasty things. So me and

12:36

my friends were like, oh my God, he said that nasty thing. Yeah,

12:38

I will admit going into a theater chat room when

12:40

I was in like my early 20s. Wait, what's a

12:43

theater chat room? It's like basically the same thing as

12:45

like, you know, dating chat rooms, but it's like for

12:47

theater lovers. And I would

12:49

like fish around to see if people

12:51

had seen like, you know, Broadway fans

12:54

are like insane people. And

12:57

so, you know, now they have these chat boards that you

12:59

could check in on and which are really super dangerous. And

13:01

if you want to go down a bad

13:03

spiral, just go on one of those when you're doing a

13:05

play in New York. But I

13:08

would like egg on people to be

13:10

like, oh, has anyone seen the recent production of LaBaba?

13:12

And like, I would give like, I think

13:15

Jesse Tyler Ferguson, the redhead is like super

13:17

talented. Anyone else do the same thing? And

13:19

like, but there would be people be like, eh, overrated. You

13:21

know, I think I'd be like, I don't think

13:23

so at all. Like, argue with them

13:25

about me. You know, it's so funny to

13:27

like go in like looking maybe to hook

13:29

up with people. Then you're like, just arguing

13:32

with them. You know, I mean, he's great.

13:34

I mean, I'm great. I mean, they're incredible.

13:36

Yeah, pictures. Question mark. Oh,

13:39

my God. I was on a Broadway chat room

13:41

for a minute or message board. It was for

13:43

rent. Yeah.

13:45

People loved rent. And I do

13:48

love rent. I

13:50

went to Amda when it was changing

13:52

over from rent as the favorite musical

13:54

to Wicked. So like people would argue

13:56

over which one is better, even though they are

13:58

so. Different nothing

14:05

I know what's the musical without a Did

14:11

you hook up a lot of them I Dated

14:14

my roommate. Oh who

14:18

It's so sweet. We're still friendly like when I

14:20

see him around like I always say hi He

14:23

hasn't changed really at all, which

14:25

is crazy to me But

14:29

yeah, I I basically was hooking up with my

14:31

roommate. I love that. Did you date an Amber?

14:34

No There was

14:36

very few I

14:39

get it Really

14:43

stupid question By the

14:45

second semester I was like living with

14:47

my male best friend Evan and we like asked

14:49

like oh can we like live together and they're

14:51

like yeah Absolutely. I was like wow no pushback and

14:53

I was like, oh cuz like we're

14:55

not fucking and no one's worried about me getting

14:57

pregnant Whatever. Yeah. Yeah God

15:00

it was so did you live in student

15:02

housing? I did I lived in a

15:04

building on 86 between Riverside Oh,

15:07

okay, West End Avenue Ironically

15:10

now it's um, it's a it's a nursing

15:12

home. Well, we lived in

15:14

the Stratford Arms, which was a

15:17

Mental institution I believe that turned

15:19

into an assisted care facility and

15:21

in New York, you cannot just

15:24

evict people So we lived with

15:26

old people. Yes Anyways, why old

15:28

yeah, but I had the

15:30

most fun I ever had I had

15:32

the most disgusting Apartment.

15:35

Oh It was

15:37

so gross. We had mice. I

15:39

think we had mice too and

15:41

cockroaches Uh-huh, and I remember

15:43

once waking up to my roommate fucking

15:46

her boyfriend who was in town And

15:49

I was next to the window and I was like boy

15:51

the windows steamy. Have I told this story before? No, okay

15:54

So I was like, oh my god, the windows like steaming up.

15:56

How weird I was like, it's kind of

15:59

like hot in here Like a locker room.

16:01

And I turn over and her little toes

16:03

are curled up in the air. And she was like,

16:05

mmm. And I was like, oh!

16:08

I was so mad. I was

16:10

like, how dare you have sex

16:12

with me while I'm sleeping in

16:15

rodents running around and cockroaches. It

16:19

was so gross. And I woke up and I leaned over the bed

16:21

and I was like, let me know when you're done. I'll be in

16:23

the hallway. I was so mad. Oh, god. Oh,

16:27

I'm done. I'm

16:29

done. Who

16:33

proposed to who in your marriage?

16:36

Well, I proposed to Justin.

16:38

But I definitely had the

16:41

assurance that he was ready when I was

16:43

ready to ask him. And

16:46

I don't know if it was because I was older

16:48

or like why it broke down that way, that he's like,

16:51

you ask me when you're ready. Which

16:53

makes me think maybe he was ready before me. But also,

16:55

he's 10 years younger. I was thinking like, I didn't want

16:58

to rush him into anything. I was like, let's just date

17:00

for a little while. I don't want to like

17:02

make you- You got engaged two years in? Just

17:04

about, maybe a little over two years. We

17:07

were on vacation. It was so- In

17:09

Mexico? In Mexico. It was Sofia Vergara's

17:11

40th birthday and she was having a big gathering of

17:13

people. I

17:17

can't remember the name. The Myacoba. Is

17:20

that the name of the town, Myacoba? I don't know, she's

17:22

in Mexico. I don't know. Is Myacoba

17:24

in Mexico, Martin? Get

17:27

on it! Matzah Blahn? No.

17:30

No. Yeah, Myacoba. Yeah. Luxury Hotel

17:32

and Residence. Oh, that's the hotel,

17:34

yeah. Luxury. What town

17:36

is that? What town is it in, do you know?

17:40

By Andes Bar and Tree. Playa

17:42

Del Carmen? I think it was Playa Del Carmen. I

17:46

don't know. We will get to the bottom

17:48

of this. Oh, these details are really aren't

17:50

that important. How about that? But sometimes I get

17:52

stuck on it. I'm like, no, I have to figure out this. I

17:54

know, I know, I know. I want to sound smart.

17:56

So you can edit out all the fumbling and then

17:58

just go right to... Wow, he really knows

18:00

geography. Wow, he knows my good stuff. Wow. But

18:04

Justin and I went to Tulum. I do know

18:06

that's where I was for a week before Sophia.

18:11

And so I was with Justin and I knew that that was where I

18:13

was gonna propose to him. And I

18:15

decided not to get him a

18:17

wedding band or a wedding ring. We

18:21

were gonna get wedding bands eventually, but I was like, he

18:23

doesn't need an engagement ring. So what

18:25

I got him instead was a Rolex

18:27

watch that had diamonds on the edge.

18:30

And then on the back of it, I had it engraved

18:32

saying, spend all your time with me. Oh. Right?

18:36

Right? But now a Rolex watch

18:38

isn't something you can just like really slip into

18:40

your pocket. So traveling to

18:42

Mexico, which was tricky, I ended up checking

18:45

it in my luggage, which was probably a

18:47

bad mistake. A Rolex? Yeah, a Rolex, yeah. Probably not

18:49

the smartest thing for you. But then once I got to

18:51

the hotel room, I was like, where do I put this?

18:53

I'm like, we didn't have a safe in the

18:55

room. And so I was putting it in the

18:58

tube of the toilet paper. I was like, that's weird,

19:00

that's weird, that's weird. And I was putting it in

19:02

different drawers. And just since also being a lawyer was

19:04

like, what are you doing? What are you moving? I

19:06

was like, you're gonna find this thing in a matter

19:08

of days. So I was carrying it around

19:10

with me to different dinners, trying to propose to him,

19:12

but it was never the right time. Finally, there was

19:14

this one morning, I was like, I gotta unload this

19:17

thing. And so he was out enjoying his coffee,

19:19

enjoying the view. And I just get out

19:21

there and almost stubbornly, get down on my

19:23

knee and hand him this thing. And

19:26

he's like, what's happening? There was nothing romantic about it at

19:28

all. I was like, I gotta get rid of this thing.

19:31

Yeah, do you wanna get married? And he was

19:33

like, ah. So anyway, that's how I proposed to

19:35

him, not romantic at all. I mean,

19:37

it was pretty. But then a few days

19:39

later, we met up with Sophia and her

19:41

group of people. And it was at

19:44

this big resort and we weren't really, I mean,

19:46

until then we were sort of this sort of

19:48

rustic and now we were like, there was like

19:50

marble floors. It was this very beautiful. Elegant, luxurious.

19:53

And I told Sophia privately, I

19:55

was like, we got engaged and she was really excited for

19:57

us. Well, at the time, her

19:59

boyfriend. This was before she was married

20:01

to Joe Maganella, but her boyfriend at the time

20:03

she was traveling with him. He also proposed to

20:06

her on that trip. Oh my God! And it

20:08

like made national news like within three seconds. Really?

20:10

Yeah, it was like all over the press. And

20:12

so like there was a, Justin and I weren't

20:14

gonna announce it or anything, but there was a

20:17

piece of me that was like, God damn, she

20:19

really stole my thunder. Just within the circle that

20:21

we were in. Like no one cared. Like literally

20:23

the whole world was talking about her engagement. And

20:27

so then that night

20:29

we had this party, she

20:32

was celebrating her engagement. Like then she wanted to

20:34

say, I want to say something about you too

20:36

as well. So she like, she said

20:38

afterwards, she's like, oh, and also my good friend

20:40

is Jessie. Justin just got engaged in a few days.

20:42

Well, as that was happening, one of

20:44

her aunts was like walking down the set of stairs and

20:47

fell and she didn't hurt herself, but

20:49

like all of the attention was immediately taken off of

20:51

us again and was like, oh no, Tia, Tia, are

20:54

you okay? And I was like, oh my God, we're

20:56

never gonna catch a break. Like no one gives a

20:58

shit about our engagement. We

21:00

both matter really, that's a perfect

21:03

storyline. That's so funny.

21:05

We could not catch a break. Oh my God.

21:07

You're like, what about us? What about

21:09

you too? So ridiculous. That

21:11

is so funny. Real

21:13

quick, we have to take the break. Jessie,

21:22

do you have any advice for single people? Do

21:26

you have advice for me? Oh God,

21:28

like just general advice? Yeah, I'm like, I

21:30

don't know. I just feel like as someone

21:32

who's been, I don't want this to

21:34

sound braggy, but as someone who's been married for 10

21:36

years, I just don't even know where to begin. No,

21:39

I can't get it. I feel for you. I will say if

21:41

I can give you like a shoulder to cry on, I

21:43

feel for you. It's hard

21:45

out there. It's so hard. What's the

21:47

hardest part for you? Just meeting people

21:50

in general or like figuring out which

21:52

app to like focus on? Of all

21:54

of the apps in like January. And then I was

21:56

like, I'm going to meet people in person. And then

21:58

me and my friend, Poonam, I got

22:01

too drunk and I was hungover for three

22:03

days and I was like well I'm not sure how

22:05

to meet people in person without getting shit. Yeah.

22:07

Yeah. Yeah, I guess I'll get back on the

22:09

app No, I'm back on the apps and It's

22:12

your people know who you are um

22:15

Sometimes I generally date

22:17

men straight men and they don't okay

22:19

Okay, and then they love to be like oh I've

22:21

seen you in one thing and that was like, okay,

22:23

so I'm like, okay I

22:27

Guess I navigate it. Okay, it's

22:29

five Yeah, if you tell me

22:31

too early I won't like if you tell me too

22:33

late. I won't like it It's right. I don't know

22:35

what it is Yeah, but it has to just be like

22:37

it has to feel chill and cool. That's that's

22:40

that's all it needs to be true Yeah,

22:42

yeah. Yeah, when did you guys

22:44

decide to have kids? Were you like, all right,

22:46

this relationship is solid Let's let's

22:49

throw It

22:51

was an accident. No, um I

22:57

Plan I

23:02

Think we just seems to remember

23:04

that we talked about it like even in

23:06

the early days of dating which doesn't seem

23:08

right Because I think that would have scared

23:10

me. Uh-huh But maybe we

23:12

had sort of discussed it But I I do

23:14

know that when we were married after we got

23:16

married Justin said let's wait five years Okay,

23:19

which You know, I'm really

23:22

glad we did I'm glad we got to have those five

23:24

years of just like, you know Being

23:26

us and us being able to travel and

23:29

but I do remember after that five-year mark came

23:31

and went I was sort of like Okay, like

23:34

not because I was super itching to have children But

23:36

also I was just you know, I'm getting older and

23:38

like I just don't want to be like a super

23:40

old dad fair So I'm tired

23:42

and I already was having back pain. I was like,

23:44

let's just let's just get this going Do

23:47

it So and then after we had

23:49

one we're like, oh do we really want to have a second one?

23:51

I mean every step the way we're like we're really doing

23:53

this but we are Personal

23:55

I have to say we're really good parents for

23:57

great parents. He's a kick-ass dad. I'm a kick

24:00

I really am so glad we did it and I'm so

24:02

glad we're done. I mean that

24:04

sounds good. I

24:07

don't, I would never be like I'm a kick-ass turn. I'd

24:09

be like, you know what? You don't know until you try it. I've

24:11

been a nanny. Oh have you? No,

24:14

no, I did a great job, but like it was exhausting

24:17

and I didn't like it. If that makes sense. But no,

24:19

I've been a nanny too. And like there's something about when

24:21

they're not, when they're not your kids. Yeah, I did. That

24:23

was another one of my weird jobs when I was in

24:25

New York. I was taking care. In fact, I was such

24:27

a great nanny or manny or however

24:29

you want to say it, that I got poached

24:32

from another family when I was in the park.

24:34

That's in the park? Yeah, I was with this

24:36

family's kid and then the families knew each other.

24:39

And they're like, they basically like, so listen, I'm in

24:41

a hunch of their paying you over there. And I

24:43

was like, I ended up working for both families, but

24:45

like they would get mad if like I was unavailable

24:47

because I was being poached. I love that. So I

24:49

was good, but I agree with you. It was exhausting

24:52

in a way that I'm not, there's

24:54

something about when you know that you can, there's a

24:56

time limit to the kid. When you start approaching that,

24:59

it's an hour before I get to go home, you start

25:01

shutting down. Yes, and I'm like, oh my God. You don't

25:03

get that, it's an hour before I get to go home

25:06

thing with kids. That's why I don't want my

25:08

own. Because I would like to go home. I

25:10

know, I know. And when

25:12

I nannied, it was like, iPads

25:16

were everywhere and iPhones, they got my phone. I'd be like,

25:18

no, you don't get to go on my phone. And then

25:20

I'd be like, you don't actually, you don't get your iPads.

25:22

You have to play with your brother or

25:24

we have to go outside and do things. And I was

25:26

like, I don't think I could keep up with

25:28

that with my own kids. I know, we're pretty

25:30

good about not doing screens.

25:32

We definitely have never done it at restaurants. Who's to

25:34

say if that's gonna change? I don't know. For

25:37

a while, we're like, we're not even gonna do them on

25:39

airplanes. And I was like, oh, that's a big thing. Yeah,

25:41

man, ooh, that is. We caved real fast with that one.

25:43

Because it's a long time of like, all right, let's

25:46

keep you entertained. That's

25:48

the first thing they get. That's the first thing they get on that trip

25:50

to New York. Shut up, please. But when

25:52

you are deciding, okay, I'm gonna interact

25:54

with you. And I am gonna like

25:57

go outside. That shit's hard. It's so

25:59

hard. Yeah, one

26:01

little boy that I nanny he liked to help

26:03

old people He just

26:05

loved old people whenever he saw a walker.

26:07

He would run up to them and I'd have to

26:09

scream He's helping you So

26:13

you just trying to help him move faster You

26:19

really think if like you did not meet if you met someone

26:21

that you're like I really vibe with you I want Is

26:25

like no kids a thing that you like lead with

26:28

I don't lead with it, but I

26:31

Just kind of hope that you don't want them because it's like if you're

26:33

my age almost 40 and you don't have them Hopefully

26:35

you don't want them. Yeah. No that you do get

26:37

past like there's a threshold Well

26:40

after you get past it, it's sort of like it's

26:42

not so much a thing anymore Yeah, yeah, and my

26:44

house has a lot of hard surfaces and I'm

26:46

not trying to kitty-proof a thing Yeah,

26:48

like we have to move things. Oh,

26:50

you did a fully move Yeah,

26:53

I had a great Spanish home and most feel

26:55

is I still to this day I'm so sad

26:57

that I don't live in it and

26:59

but I have a great house now, but I The

27:02

only reason I don't live there is because I have children and Spanish

27:05

homes are just hard. Everything's hard everything's

27:07

hard Tiles and like, you know,

27:09

they were built like a hundred years ago. So

27:11

the banisters are always like very very low You'll

27:15

topple right on over Goodbye

27:19

Wait, so like nobody was slipping in your

27:21

DMS and stuff not your modern family and

27:23

after like maybe a little bit I mean

27:25

that summer after modern family started it

27:27

was kind of where the people were still

27:29

getting to like learn what the show was

27:33

Also, I just feel like I don't

27:35

know if Instagram was Instagram really even around

27:37

them. I know Twitter was but like But

27:41

no one's trying to like DM you via Twitter. I

27:43

find it so wild that nobody was like I

27:50

kind of maybe and I just wasn't noticing me.

27:53

I had a really funny summer that summer

27:55

before I started dating Justin And I was

27:58

okay, you know being a fear kid

28:00

in New York again. Yeah, I got it

28:02

done. Okay. I got it done. Don't worry.

28:04

I'm so worried. Did

28:07

you ever do touring productions or did you only

28:09

do New York and Broadway? Only New York and

28:12

Broadway, but I did. I was part of, um,

28:14

did you ever do theater works like the shows

28:16

that are like built for kids? Uh,

28:18

no, but I do know what it is. Okay.

28:20

So yeah, though those are tours that would go

28:22

out across the country. I got

28:24

to do, um, workshop productions of them.

28:27

So like we would figure out the

28:29

shows and then once they were like kind of

28:31

fully realized, then they would cast

28:33

them for, you know, for them to tour the

28:35

nation. But we would, we would tour them like,

28:37

it's like New Jersey. We'd like, we'd be able

28:39

to come home every night. So you're not going

28:41

too far. I was

28:43

like, you know, and the thing about the

28:45

theater works tours is you have to, um,

28:47

put the set together yourself. So

28:50

we were also guinea pigs to see if

28:52

like that's even doable. Oh God. So, you

28:54

know, we would sometimes like, Oh, this set's

28:56

too heavy. And it's breaking my back. I'm

28:58

like, well, now we know. And like, like

29:00

putting it together for this production and, you

29:02

know, new work. So funny to think

29:04

of actors being like, truly. That would be

29:06

me. I'd be like, no, it's raw. Again,

29:14

not the weird job I had. Yeah. Did

29:17

you ever hook up with anybody like in the cast

29:19

like of like things that you were doing? Um,

29:22

uh, did I, I

29:25

think I hooked up with a dancer in

29:27

on the town. Ooh.

29:30

I love shit like that. I

29:32

did. Yeah. Yeah. He

29:35

actually occasionally dances for,

29:37

um, I see him in music

29:39

videos occasionally still. I don't remember

29:41

which singer he dances for, but someone cool like

29:43

Christina Aguilera or something. I don't know. But I

29:45

see him every once in a while. RJ

29:47

was his name. It's his name. R.R.J.

29:50

I think that might be the only

29:52

person I, you know,

29:54

I had like little showman's has been nothing

29:56

ever happened. It sounds like you're deeply professional

29:58

and I appreciate it. I'm also

30:00

afraid of being canceled. Yeah, you know, I

30:03

don't want that. Yeah, not that nobody wants

30:05

to be canceled. No, no No,

30:08

I don't think I would do very good

30:10

with it. But also who's actually getting

30:12

canceled. I know it's like a Paula Deen

30:15

I know Been

30:18

coming back. No, I was like, come on

30:20

letter. Yeah, just trying to feed us all butter butter

30:23

Just a little bit butter and more

30:25

butter. I did I mean if this makes her

30:27

feel a little less uncancelled, I did make her

30:29

zucchini bread recipe the other day Oh, that's nice.

30:31

Oh my goodness Paula Deen She

30:37

does have a very good pound cake recipe.

30:39

Oh, yeah, it's just butter butter. Yeah. Yeah.

30:41

It's so much butter. Yeah Yeah, what's

30:43

the most romantic thing that you and your husband have ever done?

30:48

I mean, I think my

30:50

the watch that I gave him was pretty romantic.

30:52

He He does very

30:55

he's very thoughtful I

30:57

remember I had a our

30:59

anniversary lands in July when I was doing a

31:02

play in Broadwood on Broadway in

31:04

Broadway and I'm sure gonna play in Broadway He

31:10

snuck into my dressing room during a

31:12

show and put pictures of us all

31:15

over my dressing room So when I got done with the

31:17

show I came up and there was just photos of us

31:19

everywhere. That was very sweet you

31:21

know, he's very thoughtful with like flowers and We

31:25

do date nights pretty religiously Yeah,

31:29

he's he took me he

31:32

took me away once to Carmel and didn't

31:34

know me where we were going I he's

31:36

very very thoughtful Carmel Carmel's far. It's

31:38

like four hours up north in a car You did

31:40

it we did in a car and then he just wouldn't

31:42

tell you where you were going. Oh and

31:44

I was blindfolded No,

31:54

he's very thought I think he's more thoughtful than I am

31:56

truly. Oh, I wish I need to take a page

31:58

from his book I'm trying to be better about it.

32:01

It works. You know what we do, we're really good about like, on

32:04

our anniversaries, you know, there's like

32:07

dumb, like traditional things.

32:09

Like wood? Exactly. And

32:12

so like, you know, how do you make, exactly, how do you make

32:14

wood sexy? And

32:16

for that year, I had our front

32:18

door remade and

32:21

there was like a, oh, because it was a Spanish house, it was a

32:23

crest that was on the door and the crest would open up and it

32:25

was like a little, you know, window. Little

32:27

people. I had it remade

32:30

with the J&J from our

32:32

wedding invitation. So

32:34

that's, I did that. And

32:36

then he got me two avocado trees. Wait,

32:40

I don't know which one's more romantic. I know,

32:42

right? Because I love avocado. I know, I know.

32:45

It takes forever for them to start fruiting. Yeah.

32:47

And we moved away before they started fruiting. Oh

32:49

no. But our new owners of the home, hopefully

32:51

are enjoying the avocados. Did you leave the door?

32:54

I took off the crust part. Oh, okay. I

32:57

placed it with the old one, but yeah, the door's still there and

32:59

it's very nice. Very nice. So

33:02

on Modern Family, there were no gay

33:04

writers. For a while, yeah. For

33:06

the first season? The first season, yeah. So

33:10

did they ask you, were they like, can

33:12

we say this? They would clear things with

33:14

me. How did that make you feel

33:16

as the resident gay advisor? Right, right, right. What

33:18

about for all of gayness? Yeah, right. Well,

33:21

I mean, there was a responsibility with playing

33:24

that role because you did sort of feel like

33:26

you were representing an

33:28

entire group. And I think both Eric

33:30

and I did feel that. And then I felt that maybe

33:33

even more so because I was actually gay in real life

33:35

as well. So when the writers

33:37

were asking me like, what do you think, how

33:39

about you, what do you think about this, what do you think about that?

33:41

And I can't even remember specifics, but I sort of

33:43

felt like, oh, at least they're like, they want

33:45

to make sure they're doing this right. And then it

33:48

got to the point where I was like, y'all need to get some

33:50

people in that room because I'm not a writer.

33:52

I don't want to be in the writer's room. I

33:54

have zero desire to be in there. And

33:57

like, I'm in the room. Right, right, right. I'm

34:00

they brought on a few a few

34:02

people and It

34:04

was great that we had them there. But um Yeah,

34:07

I was uh, I Also

34:09

feel like when I look back at that first season I'm

34:11

like I I can't kind of see that there were no

34:13

gay writers in the room You know

34:15

and not because they were shying away from

34:17

things I just feel like there was a

34:20

nuance that that they didn't have yet

34:22

an authenticity where it's like Oh, this

34:24

is from my luck because a writers room basically

34:26

is just telling stories what I'm especially with

34:28

that show Yeah, and then adapting the

34:30

stories into you know words

34:32

for actors to say and it's like well If you don't have

34:34

any stories about being gay or being in a

34:36

gay space. Yeah, how do you expect to?

34:39

To write it exactly which

34:41

is interesting to me. Yeah, okay.

34:43

I have a question Please so

34:45

you co-authored a cookbook I did

34:48

who's between friends. So do you find

34:50

food to be a love language? I

34:53

do I guess a little bit. Yes.

34:55

Yes. Yes is the short answer I

34:58

love I mean, I love eating out with

35:00

people which is why I love my

35:02

podcast cuz I get to take people out to

35:04

dinners But I just feel like there's something really wonderful

35:06

about spending some time

35:09

in the kitchen and I get gathering a group of friends

35:11

together and and Beating them.

35:13

There's something so intimate about that.

35:15

Yeah um, and also

35:17

terrifying at times you know, I certainly have

35:19

like a group of like five

35:21

or six recipes that I go to because like I've

35:24

also tried to Do a big swing of like I'm

35:26

gonna try something totally different and then I completely botch

35:28

it and I have to like order and food and

35:30

so like that's also You

35:32

know risky, but I I do I feel like

35:35

I I mean I love providing for my family

35:37

now that I'm a dad Like I love making

35:39

the kids lunches So I

35:41

guess it is a love language for me Kids

35:43

do you have two of them? I

35:46

got myself two of them. Do you like them so

35:48

far so good? Cuz you're like well,

35:50

how old are they? Well,

35:52

that's just it one's almost four and the

35:54

other ones will be two wouldn't like in

35:56

November So they're pretty young still I would

35:59

like the two I'm a four year old best. I'm like

36:01

younger kids. I love a baby. This

36:03

sounds terrible, but I like when they can't make

36:06

a choice, where it's like, I'm just gonna hold

36:08

you. That's true. I mean, when Beckett and,

36:10

when Beckett, my older man, started walking, he

36:12

was, you know, we just started pushing him

36:14

over for a while, because we're about to

36:17

slow this process down a little bit. You

36:19

know? No, you can't walk. No,

36:21

no, no, no, no, no, no independence. No, oh

36:23

no, that's okay, we'll just hold you. So funny.

36:26

I mean, I love when babies let you hold them. My

36:28

little cousin is, I think she's two, or maybe

36:30

a little past two, but she'll just let me

36:32

hold her still, and it makes me, I love

36:34

it. Oh, I love a baby.

36:36

I know, you know what, I don't think

36:39

the baby stage is my favorite. Really? Yeah,

36:41

I'm like, I'm waiting for the personality to kick in.

36:43

That's what I don't like. That's what you don't like,

36:45

yeah. No, how do you have an opinion? You've barely

36:47

been here. Yeah. You know what

36:49

I mean? I don't want it. Yeah, well, I don't really necessarily want

36:52

it from a six month old, but like,

36:54

you know, when they start to

36:56

like, have ideas, they're like expressing to you

36:58

like what the world, how they see the

37:00

world, that's really interesting to me. Yeah,

37:03

Nicole has the, I get

37:05

it face, but also no. Well, I

37:07

don't know, they just like grow up and then they like start

37:10

being rude. My friend has a teen and her teen is

37:12

like, not rude, but she'll say things

37:14

and I'm like, ow, oh my God, Jesus

37:16

Christ. No, I know, I know, I'm not

37:18

gonna enjoy that part. Yeah, I don't want

37:21

it. Yeah. Wait, we

37:23

have to take the birth. This

37:31

show is sponsored by BetterHelp. You

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know, there's always something that I really need

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American vintage beverage company Chicago, Illinois. So

38:54

you worked as a bartender during, when Cass

38:56

was on Broadway? Yeah, I had a few

38:58

like really weird jobs, but that was one

39:00

of them. How was that? To like

39:02

work in a theater being like, this is what I want

39:05

to be on stage. I don't wanna be serving

39:07

drinks. So funny because, well, a

39:09

few things. At

39:12

that time, the bar, I think

39:14

now it might be different, but the bar in the

39:16

Winter Garden was basically in the orchestra level. So

39:19

when I did the first, we served drinks before the

39:21

show and then the whole first act would happen. And

39:24

then we'd have to sort of sit there and like

39:26

get ready for intermission and

39:28

then during the second act, we have to like quietly

39:30

put the bottles away and stuff. And

39:32

so, but sometimes if there was a new Grizabella

39:34

on, I was like, let me see how her

39:37

memory is. So like, so

39:39

I would like stay and listen to her version

39:41

of memory. And I actually kind of ended up

39:43

learning to love the show. And because all the

39:46

cats, learning to love

39:48

the show. Learning to love the show. I

39:50

think the longest running show before fans of the

39:52

opera I think took over. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And,

39:54

but you know, it's cats. I know. Like

39:57

people are like this. If there's one musical that like drives people

39:59

crazy. I love cat. I

40:01

love cat. I love memories of

40:03

beautiful songs. I think Jennifer Hudson

40:05

should have won her offer before.

40:10

People really argue with me about this. I do

40:12

love that Jennifer Hudson like crawled in. She's

40:15

like, she made her interest with her crawly. Like

40:17

even Dame Judy Jens was like, I'm gonna come

40:19

in silhouetted standing like a human. And

40:22

Jennifer Hudson was like, no, I will come crawling

40:24

in. Yeah, loved it. But

40:27

so the actress playing the cats would

40:29

make entrances from the house. So

40:32

the bartender is kind of like we can we kind

40:34

of got to know the cats. And

40:37

we're like, okay, so this part of the show, old Deuteronomy

40:39

will come by and he likes to have like a half

40:41

an orange juice with some soda water. Give

40:44

him like, you know, like little drinks like and you know, they

40:46

get annoyed if like it was a new bartender. They

40:49

didn't know that like, oh, I always get like a couple of apple

40:51

juice or whatever. But you know, before this

40:53

entrance. Anyway, so they got to know who I was

40:55

at around the same time was when they were

40:57

casting the production

41:00

that George Seabolf directed of On the Town, which

41:02

ended up being my New York debut. I

41:05

ended up being cast as chimp in On the Town, which was

41:07

the part that Frank Sinatra played in the movie. And

41:10

On the Town is known to be a big

41:12

dance show. I am not a dancer. I can

41:14

move fine, but I'm not a dancer. So

41:16

all of the all the dancers in New York

41:18

were like clawing for these parts.

41:21

There's three great male roles in On

41:23

the Town. And

41:25

so, of course, all the people and cats was

41:28

we're trying to get into the show. And

41:30

my friend Abe, who I

41:32

became friends with later, who was in the company

41:34

of cats at that time, told me this really

41:36

hilarious story about they were all like backstage, you

41:39

know, just caddy, chorus boys and

41:41

theater queens, like putting on their makeup,

41:43

putting on their whiskers. Has

41:46

anyone heard about Cat or has anyone heard about On the

41:48

Town? Does anyone know how the casting went? And

41:51

then one of the other cats from down the way out,

41:53

sort of like putting their the black on their nose, like,

41:55

yeah, the bartender got it. That

42:01

is so funny in like

42:03

just a specific way. But

42:05

if you like Broadway, you're like, oh, that's.

42:07

That is juicy. That's a real treat. Yeah. And

42:10

I bet they were so mad. They were

42:12

so annoyed. The bartender got it. The bartender got

42:14

it. Like, all right, man, money! Yeah. That's

42:18

so funny. But it's also like, has taught

42:21

me a lot because, you know, I've gotten

42:23

to be on stage, luckily,

42:25

a lot of times. Like, I always look

42:27

at, I was like, who knows where all

42:29

these people, the ushers and the people, the

42:31

box office attendants and like the people

42:33

selling the merch. Like, a lot of them are

42:36

struggling actors. Yeah, they just wanna be in it.

42:38

They just wanna be in it. I

42:40

mean, I used to work at a gift

42:42

shop on 44th Street across from Phantom

42:44

of the Opera selling t-shirts, you know, mostly

42:48

Phantom of the Opera and cats and like whatever

42:50

other shows were playing. But I would watch the

42:52

actors walk by the gift

42:54

shop on the way to their half hour

42:56

calls. And I would think, oh, God, I

42:58

hope that's me someday and take me out

43:01

the show that I gotta win the Tony for. It's

43:03

on 44th Street, just about four doors down from

43:05

where the gift shop is. So I walked by

43:08

that gift shop every day on my way to

43:10

work to do Take Me Out. And the manager

43:12

that I had back then is still there. And

43:14

so I'd pop in and say hi to Craig.

43:16

And like, it meant a lot

43:18

to me. Yeah, that

43:20

did not go unnoticed. That's so

43:23

magical. And like, what a dream. Yeah.

43:27

When I finally got to perform at the

43:29

Apollo, it was kind of like that. Because

43:31

I lived in Harlem, in like Morningside Heights,

43:34

which is Harlem. So

43:36

if I like went shopping across 125th, I

43:38

would walk past the Apollo and be like, one day.

43:41

And then that one day it came and I was like,

43:43

holy shit, this is nuts, this is so wild. You

43:45

are so good in Take Me Out. I

43:48

went after there was a penis leak. So

43:51

there was security right

43:53

by the stage. I

43:57

don't know if you can hear it from the stage, but the audience

43:59

was most. Horny 40 year old women.

44:01

Yeah, and during multiple parts. You just

44:03

heard people going. Mmm. Yeah.

44:06

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah Yeah

44:09

Yeah, it's such a poignant show

44:11

filled with so many big ideas

44:14

ideas racial ideas and it's

44:16

like the locker room or the shower scene is

44:19

so Nothing. Yeah.

44:21

Yeah, and it's so funny that I'm

44:23

like, wow. Yeah show a

44:25

little dick on stage Yeah, sell

44:27

some tickets. I know I know God

44:30

that's so I know it was interesting because I

44:33

Was the only gay person my understudy was gay

44:35

But I was the only gay cast member and

44:37

I became really good friends with all with this

44:39

cast of straight guys And I just adore them

44:41

so much But I was also so and you

44:43

know We're very supportive of one another they would

44:45

stand on in the wings and watch me when

44:47

I was doing my monologue Oh really there was

44:49

like I was like I can't be like usually

44:51

when the nude scenes were happening, especially the big

44:54

one Showering I'm basically the

44:56

only person who's not on stage. And

44:58

so it's like I can't be like

45:00

standing the wings watching this scene The

45:05

optics are weird But

45:14

I remember the last performance I was like

45:16

I've got to watch this scene I'm gonna watch the scene so I

45:18

just told him I was like I'm watching the shower scene from the

45:20

side. Don't be freaked out I've

45:24

never been in like a Broadway show because how

45:26

long did that run? We did

45:28

two four-month runs with a little bit of a

45:30

break in between. What's that like? Is it like

45:32

summer camp? That's what it feels like. I mean

45:35

Yeah, especially when it's you know when you're

45:37

doing nonprofit and you're not getting paid a

45:40

ton of money It's like you're actually paying

45:42

dentists for the pleasure of acting It

45:45

does I mean listen, I Love

45:47

a rehearsal room so much. I love that

45:49

process of putting a show together I

45:52

got to also do a one-man show on Broadway and

45:54

that was like Cool to

45:56

have done but like the process of putting that together was

45:58

no fun because I didn't have anyone else to share

46:00

this experience with. Yeah. And

46:02

it does feel like summer camp in that way.

46:05

Like you just become really close, especially in a

46:07

play where there's a lot of nudity. Like they're

46:09

all these guys, the denying guys who

46:11

had to get naked on stage had such like a

46:14

close connection because they shared this like weird thing that

46:16

they had to do every night. Yeah, you feel like

46:18

trust each other. Yeah. And we all had each other's

46:20

backs. And you know, when that leak did happen and

46:22

there was some photos that were leaked on the internet,

46:25

I was so upset for them. It was like, it

46:27

takes a lot of bravery to go out and do

46:29

that thing. And it should be

46:31

a safe space. It's a sacred space. Yeah, I feel like

46:33

theater should be, any type of theater, theater

46:35

as well should be a sacred space. Because

46:37

sometimes people think it's a nice thing

46:39

to like take a video of my set and

46:41

then post it online. And sometimes

46:44

they'll tag me. And when I see it,

46:46

I'm like, do you mind taking it down?

46:48

Because it's a work in progress. If it's not

46:50

a special, it means I'm still working on it.

46:52

And people are like, usually they're like, oh my God, I didn't

46:54

know. I'm like, you can actually repost it without the

46:57

sound. It's just, I don't. Is

47:00

that then? And then, yeah, especially

47:02

like a play. I don't know how you

47:04

could ever be on your phone during

47:06

like a live performance. I know, I

47:08

know. The etiquette that I saw was

47:10

shocking. There's some

47:12

crazy shit that I saw. Sometimes I'm like,

47:14

do you think they can't see you? Because

47:16

it's like, you can mostly see like

47:18

the first four or five rooms. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah,

47:21

yeah. And depending on the lighting, maybe all of

47:23

the orchestra. We could see ya, we could see

47:25

ya. It's so wild. Maybe what we really can

47:27

see is when you're looking at your phone and

47:29

it's making your face glow. We can see

47:31

that all the way up in the rear.

47:34

Yeah, turn down the brightness. God,

47:36

Take Me Out is such a good play. Wait,

47:38

what's your favorite play you've done? Take

47:40

Me Out would definitely be up there. I

47:43

really enjoyed doing Spelling

47:45

Bee, but honestly there was a production of

47:47

comedy of errors that I did in Central

47:49

Park. Normally, it's a play about two sets

47:51

of twins and they get confused in this

47:53

town they come into. And

47:56

normally the play is done with four actors playing

47:58

these two sets of twins. We

48:00

did it where I played my set

48:02

of twins the Dromio's and Hamish Linklater

48:04

played his set of twins the Antifoluses

48:07

and so it was a lot of like running

48:09

off stage and then like running under it like

48:13

The other person oh my god so much fun to

48:16

do I wonder if that would

48:18

drive me crazy It was so much fun

48:20

to figure out and I lost I got

48:22

the cardio I got in that summer was

48:24

probably Bar

48:26

none bar none next to none next

48:28

to nothing next to none bars

48:31

bar What

48:35

am I trying to say I don't know but I know where

48:37

you're going you know what you're getting at that's all that's important

48:42

I want to do a musical, but I can't

48:44

sing. Oh you can't sing no not

48:46

even a little no Well

48:52

And when I'm with Doug out of

48:54

the whole hour I'll be on key

48:56

like for five minutes I'll be

48:58

like you can do it just keep practicing and then I'll

49:00

go home and be like well I can't find these

49:02

keys alone So I

49:05

don't I don't know how to remedy your tone depth

49:08

a little but then like after we work for

49:10

like an hour I can

49:12

hear And

49:14

I can match the the tones and the keys and

49:16

stuff I just can't do it on my own Let's

49:19

try and sing this no That's

49:23

a harmony note, but that's also No,

49:29

it wasn't bad it just wasn't the note I was singing Sustained

49:36

that note that you picked and I think that's

49:39

very impressive. Oh, this is kind This

49:41

is kindness in action Just

49:44

a lot of people and be like that was

49:47

good good. God. I just wish I could sing

49:49

I would make so much money. I would always be on

49:51

some sort of tour Do you ever feel

49:53

that like I know that there's a stereotype

49:55

that like if you're black you can sing Yeah, and I

49:57

know a lot of black people who can sing real real

49:59

life And if you're fat and black, you should

50:01

be so soulful. And

50:04

I'm over here with no soul. No

50:06

soul. No. No. It's

50:09

sad, Jesse. I don't have any soul. I'll

50:12

tell you that much. I can sing, but

50:14

without soul. I don't know.

50:17

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. You were

50:19

right. Whoa, whoa, whoa. I auditioned for

50:21

Rent, speaking of Rent. Did you? And

50:23

it was like the widest. Mark? Yeah,

50:26

from Mark. And I

50:28

said, what about Breakfast at Tiffany's? Which is

50:30

a terrible song to sing. You can't act

50:33

it. There's no, there's no. That's

50:36

very funny. You're not, there's no range. Wait,

50:39

you don't have any advice on to getting

50:41

into a relationship. You've been in a relationship

50:43

for a long time. Oh gosh.

50:45

Okay, okay. Okay.

50:49

Let me think. Oh

50:51

Jesus, Nicole. All my advice. I'm just

50:53

tearing myself before I say it. Just

50:55

get out there. Just get

50:58

out there. Yeah, it was pretty bad. I can

51:00

just be the best version of yourself. Oh my

51:02

God. I mean, isn't that terrible? It really is.

51:04

You don't want my advice. No, I don't. I

51:06

guess I don't. But I guess being the best

51:08

version of yourself is good. Yeah, I

51:11

know. Nicole, when you're

51:13

at least looking for it, that's when it's gonna

51:15

show up. Oh. Wait,

51:20

let me ask you. Don't people slide into your DMs?

51:22

You're on TV. Yeah. It's

51:24

not straight men. Well,

51:26

it doesn't have to be a straight man. I'm

51:29

very open to whatever. I don't have a label.

51:31

I refuse to label myself. Because that's, I think,

51:33

I don't know, not for me. Yeah,

51:37

I just haven't had anyone slip in my

51:39

DMs and I'm like, ooh, okay, let's do

51:41

it. Now you talk about being single a

51:43

lot on your podcast. I'm currently on. Do

51:46

you don't think that, does this generate, does this,

51:48

like have you looked at your comments on this?

51:50

Yeah, I look at the comments. People

51:53

who are on usually get more people in

51:55

the DMs being like, mm, I can help

51:58

you out with sex. Right, right. Yeah,

52:00

I am. But

52:04

also, I don't worry about people being

52:06

like, oh, I don't want to date her because she'll talk

52:08

about me because I say a lot that whoever

52:11

I date didn't ask to be a part of this. So

52:14

if we're dating, I would ask you before

52:16

I talked about you. Same with my stand up.

52:19

I'm not trying to make anybody upset. My sister, I don't

52:21

really talk about because she didn't ask for it. Right, right.

52:23

Did you talk about her at one point and she got upset? No.

52:27

Okay. I just was like, she didn't ask for this. I've

52:29

made the mistake of talking about family members and they're like,

52:31

um. No thank you. I

52:33

don't want that. Yeah. Okay.

52:36

Well, she did say to me once, she was like, I can't

52:38

imagine having your life. And I was like, okay. And

52:40

I was like, okay. I

52:43

guess it's like she doesn't want to

52:45

be in the public eye. So I shouldn't. Yeah, I get

52:47

it. I get it. I get

52:49

it. I get it. I

52:51

really wish I had some dating advice for you. I feel

52:54

like I'm coming up short for you. Do you have any

52:56

single friends? Well, God,

52:59

bad question too. Um,

53:01

I mean, yes, but this is what the

53:03

thing is there. They're single for a reason. Like

53:06

I wouldn't divorce. Well, no,

53:09

that wouldn't be bad. But like, you know, it's usually

53:11

people that are so my single friends. I'm like, oh,

53:13

there's a reason you're just real hard to date. Um,

53:17

yeah, I know. I'm

53:19

sorry. No, no, zero. The fuck?

53:22

This is unerable. What are a piece

53:24

of advice that you've got that actually been helpful? Um, I

53:27

think a good piece of advice is, uh, not dimming who you

53:29

are when you meet somebody, like

53:41

not trying to be like, Oh, do you want me to get that? I'm

53:45

just a loud lady and I'm a

53:47

little strange. Um, like you've ever done that? Yeah.

53:50

Yeah. Like when you feel like shit

53:52

too, when you're doing it. Yeah. Where I'm like,

53:54

Oh no, I really wanted to

53:56

make a horse noise. I don't know. You know,

53:58

sometimes you just want to be like, Yeah, yeah. On

54:02

a date with somebody. I

54:04

mean, I guess, I mean, you said that a lot,

54:06

you and your girlfriend went out and you got shitfaced

54:08

and then it did not go well. No. I

54:11

mean, I guess you could like

54:13

maybe start, I was gonna say like, just start

54:15

by like saying two drinks and then we're, that's

54:17

it. Well, we did that at the first

54:19

place we went to and then went to a

54:21

second place where the bartender was a lot of fun.

54:23

So we were like, let's keep drinking. No, I get

54:25

it. And you know what, you made the right choice.

54:27

Yeah, I did have a really fun time

54:30

and I did get this man's number, but we

54:33

texted the next day and then never

54:35

again. And

54:37

then I really have had no other success

54:39

going out into the world. Nobody's like doing

54:42

that. I guess I should go to like

54:44

singles mixers, but also, I don't

54:46

know, do I want to do that? Oh,

54:48

Jess. It's

54:52

grim. It's grim and sad

54:54

out there. I feel like

54:56

gay men have it so easy sometimes because it's just

54:59

like, they all just, they

55:01

just get it done. Kind of. Yeah.

55:04

Not the straights, the straights are

55:06

like, ooh. Should we go out again?

55:09

I'm like, yeah, let's go out again. Let's like get

55:11

to know each other. So

55:13

we have come to the end. Jesse, is

55:15

there anything you want to promote? Well,

55:18

Nicole, since I'm on a podcast and

55:20

I hear podcasts are the most wonderful

55:22

place to talk about your own podcast.

55:24

So wonderful. I do have

55:26

a podcast as well, as does everyone

55:28

else in Los Angeles. And

55:31

it's a celebrity podcast, which has, has that

55:33

been done? I don't think so. Yeah,

55:35

I think this time, think of cutting edge. It's

55:38

called Dinners on Me and I take my guests out

55:40

to a dinner and we have a conversation over a

55:42

meal. And what I love about it, it might give

55:44

you, I want you on it actually at some point.

55:46

But it might give you adjectives being

55:48

a podcast host yourself because we go into like

55:50

restaurants and we deal with the noise of the

55:52

restaurant and we hear the waiter come over to

55:55

the table and ask, you know, what drinks we

55:57

want and tells us the specials. And like, we

55:59

get all. You get mouth sounds. There's a lot of

56:01

people who do not like the mouth sounds. You

56:04

know? We do our best to edit those out.

56:08

But yeah, it's just a really great conversation over

56:10

a great meal. It's like some of the

56:12

best conversations I had. Who's saying it's for the meal? Oh, dinner's on

56:14

me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh,

56:16

okay. But

56:19

we have Sarah Paulson coming up. I

56:21

took her to a restaurant in New York. On

56:24

her day off from her show, she's doing the show appropriate

56:26

on Broadway right now, so she gave me her day off.

56:29

And she has a very strict routine.

56:31

So I was like, I had one day to sort

56:33

of fit in a great meal with her. George

56:36

Takei's is on, which is really

56:38

exciting. We have,

56:40

you know, Jinx Monsoon. Of

56:42

course I know Jinxie. Jinxie.

56:44

Jinx is great. Just

56:46

a lovely time. And he's a wonderful person.

56:48

Yeah, Jinx is doing a little shop of

56:51

horrors in New York right now. So I

56:53

caught Jinx on her day off as well.

56:55

So I've had from Modern Family, so Fevir

56:57

Gar has been on, and Ed O'Neill and

57:00

Julie Bowen and Sarah Hyland. So it's

57:02

a lot of fun. That does sound

57:04

like fun. Oh wait, Jesse, I asked

57:06

all my guests this. Would you date me? Oh,

57:08

I would absolutely date you. Yay! Jesse,

57:13

thank you. Now find me a man. Okay,

57:16

if you like this episode of, oh, why won't you

57:18

date me? You can like it. You can rate it.

57:21

You can subscribe on Apple Podcasts. And

57:24

if you write me something nasty, I've done this

57:26

podcast for so long, and I always fuck up the

57:28

intro and outro. If you

57:30

write me something nasty too, why won't

57:32

you date me podcast@gmail.com? I

57:35

will read it. Also, don't send me a

57:37

dick fix. Mars doesn't want it. Okay,

57:39

this one says, hi, Nicole, we're two queer

57:41

men. And while we can't be

57:44

the lovers for you, we think we can

57:46

team up to help you fight wildfires across

57:48

the United States. My boyfriend will fly

57:50

the plane while I open the escape door and dangle you

57:52

out of the plane, so you can use your, ew,

57:55

use your hodachi wand and save

57:57

the forest with your sport. Also

58:00

question is squirt day. Squirt

58:04

is not P. I don't think is it. It comes

58:07

from the same place. Genetically, I

58:09

think it's a little different. The same area. I

58:11

thought we were talking about the soda. Oh,

58:14

that's very, very funny. No,

58:17

this is human squirt. That's

58:19

so weird. I wonder why they named that

58:21

soda squirt. I wonder if the man

58:23

who made it was like, this tastes like my wife.

58:26

Oh, God. Oh, by the way, Justin, we

58:30

were in Vegas once he got squirted on. We

58:33

were at that stopped you dead in your

58:35

tracks. I needed to know the context. He

58:37

was at a club and it was a

58:39

it was actually it was a gay club,

58:42

but there was a girl getting herself pressured

58:44

by a man. And she was

58:46

up on the back of a bankette and

58:48

they didn't realize this was happening. So she

58:50

was up higher. She was like her who

58:52

was a eye level and

58:55

kind of it all happened. All happened so fast and all

58:57

at once. And basically Justin like turned around. He's like, what

58:59

is going on over there? Why did like squirt

59:02

on him? The

59:04

end. Oh, my God.

59:09

I drive my squirting drive by squirting.

59:11

That is wild. I also love that it happened

59:13

at like a gay club. Yeah, but in

59:15

Vegas. Knuck in. Yeah, in Vegas. Yeah,

59:19

what happens in Vegas is not always there. Does not say

59:21

in Vegas. It comes right on my back. God,

59:24

that's delightful. Thank you. Yeah.

59:27

Bye bye. Leave you with that. Bye

59:29

bye. Why

59:32

won't you date me? If Nicole Byer

59:34

is produced by me, Mars, it's

59:37

executive produced by Adam Sachs, Nick Liao

59:39

and Jeff Ross at Team Coco with

59:41

guest engineering by Rich Garcia, talent booking

59:43

by Paula Davis, Gina Matisse and Maddie

59:45

Austin. Got a question, crazy, hating story

59:48

or a dirty message for Nicole. Write

59:50

it to my will you date me

59:52

podcast at gmail.com for a chance to

59:54

have a teacher on a future show.

59:56

Thanks for listening. We'll see you

59:58

next week with a. I'll see you

1:00:01

in the next episode! Bye-bye! Discover

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