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1:42

Why won't you date me?

1:50

Why won't you date me? Why

1:52

won't you date me? Please

1:55

tell me why.

2:04

Oh, baby, welcome to another episode of Why Won't You Take Me

2:06

Apart? It's a meaningful way of

2:08

once, so to sing that wine still

2:10

tingle, even though I will take

2:13

your cum, plant it in the

2:15

ground, and grow tomatoes! Someone

2:18

on Instagram requested that I bring the little

2:21

dirty things in the beginning back, so I

2:23

have! Okay, my guest

2:25

today is a hilarious comedian renowned

2:27

for his roles in Silicon Valley,

2:29

Avenue 5, and The Office,

2:31

which is pretty funny. I don't know if you

2:34

guys know that. His new series,

2:36

which he co-created and stars in, called

2:38

In the Know, is now streaming on

2:40

PICOCK! PICOCK! I'm so

2:42

happy! I'm so happy today! It's

2:44

October 1! I

2:50

wish and hope that that's the sound

2:52

that peacocks make in the wild. PICOCK!

2:55

PICOCK! PICOCK! They're

2:59

the most narcissistic of all the birds. They

3:02

just only say their own name. Honestly,

3:05

I wish all animals did. Instead of barking,

3:07

I wish my dog was like, a dog!

3:09

I'm a dog! To me,

3:11

it would be funny. That's right.

3:13

And it's just like, yeah, it's

3:15

self-aware and it's communicative. It

3:18

would be really effective. I

3:20

think so. Zach, okay. Do you remember

3:23

your first crush? Oh,

3:26

fun. Well, my

3:28

mother said that I went to a school play,

3:32

like a field trip when I was like

3:34

five or something and I came home, I

3:36

think it was like Cinderella or

3:39

something, or maybe Sleeping Beauty. And

3:41

I came home and I was like, mom,

3:44

I saw this woman. She's the most beautiful.

3:46

I'm in love. But I have

3:49

no recollection of that. So that might just be kind

3:51

of a pocketful mom talk. And

3:55

for me, there was this girl

3:57

named Kirsten in third

3:59

grade. who had had

4:02

a pretty hard life I know

4:05

and she was so to my

4:08

little third grade brain so

4:10

beautiful and seemed kind of

4:12

like this you know crushes are

4:14

just like exercises in projection right so

4:17

I feel like to my third grade

4:19

brand I remember thinking like she this

4:22

candle burns brighter than the rest of

4:24

the candles on the cake it's like

4:26

she's just like giving off a different

4:28

voltage she just seemed like like you

4:30

know for a romantic

4:32

description of a human being

4:34

in terms of digital pixels

4:37

yeah motion smoothing

4:39

for a Q

4:42

LED baby but

4:44

I just remember and then

4:46

also feeling that she was

4:48

quite yeah quite also

4:52

vulnerable at the same time and I remember

4:54

finding that to be like you know

4:57

I didn't I didn't know the word vulnerable but

4:59

I think that feeling of like oh you're like

5:01

you're both kind of ferocious

5:04

and soft was

5:06

like pretty irresistible and

5:08

has you know way continued

5:10

to be irresistible did you act on

5:13

your crush or did you just love

5:15

from afar yeah no way I

5:17

was scared I wasn't talking but you

5:19

know it's funny like oh

5:21

man so one of my the first crush

5:23

I really acted on this is okay there

5:26

was this this other girl interestingly

5:29

named Kristen

5:31

strange different different

5:33

girl and we had this science

5:36

teacher in seventh

5:39

grade who his big

5:41

claim to fame was that he died on

5:43

the beach he was like he'd

5:45

be like I was dead on the beach and

5:47

then I came back and and that

5:49

was his he had a lot of

5:51

swagger about having been previously dead but

5:53

anyway he would sometimes to my mind

5:56

I remember him saying like weird stuff

5:58

in class about Kristen Maybe that's I

6:00

don't I don't want to slander someone

6:02

who's been you know He's

6:06

been through it. He died on a beach

6:08

and beaches are happy places. That's exactly right

6:10

but anyway, that's neither here nor there we

6:12

were in science class with this guy who had been dead before

6:14

and I

6:16

was so crazy about this

6:19

girl and She

6:22

had a boyfriend who was I think he went

6:24

on to join the Marines or something He was

6:26

this like very tough guy who rode quads and

6:28

he was so nice He was like really nice

6:30

to me and I'd always make jokes about I

6:33

was gonna beat him up and he would play

6:35

along Cuz I was obviously like a worm person

6:37

and he was this like strong American boy, man

6:41

anyway, I got

6:44

a recording of moonlight sonata

6:46

Beethoven's moonlight sonata and

6:48

I plugged in a microphone to

6:51

a cassette player and I

6:53

put on moonlight sonata and

6:56

I recorded myself over moonlight

6:58

sonata Professing my love

7:00

to Kristen. This is a seventh grade like

7:02

some sort of like 19th

7:05

century vampire person like like

7:09

like I Don't

7:13

know. Yeah, right like an 18th

7:15

century slob with like very poor

7:17

boundaries but anyway, so so I

7:20

I put this on and I was I was Speaking

7:23

into the microphone and I recorded it and then

7:26

I brought the tape to school to give to

7:28

her and then I chickened

7:30

out and I and and this is an

7:32

early days of Amazon Amazon comm to a

7:35

CD of moonlight sonata and I just Wrote

7:37

to my elegant friend Adorable

7:41

to my elegant friend. She was probably

7:44

like elegant. I'm elegant. Who's that? He

7:46

was elegant. I stand by that And

7:49

then did she respond was she like I

7:51

love this I am elegant. She was really

7:53

nice She was like, oh, that's so sweet. She was

7:56

she was totally lovely about it But I

7:58

remember right in advance of that saying to my family Oh

8:00

my god, there's this girl and I'm so crazy

8:02

about her and he's like ask her out to

8:04

breakfast And I was like

8:06

what? He's like ask

8:09

her to breakfast. It's interesting and I was like, I'm

8:11

not gonna fucking ask her to breakfast That makes no

8:13

sense. He's like, well then just ask her out and

8:15

I said no I'm not gonna ask her out and

8:17

he goes why not I

8:20

said, well, she might say no and it'd be humiliating

8:22

and he went ah He

8:24

said getting rejected is disappointing

8:27

but not asking is humiliating

8:30

and it was like oh But

8:32

then I still didn't ask I Like

8:35

that not asking is humiliating. Yeah, cuz

8:37

it's To quote the

8:39

office you miss shots that you don't take.

8:41

Oh, I butchered it. Uh, you

8:43

know what I mean I

8:46

know what you mean. Um, I like

8:48

that ask her to breakfast I

8:50

would love to see two seventh

8:52

graders out at like a cafe

8:54

having like croissants and decaf coffee.

8:56

That makes me Infinitely

8:59

happy. I love that so much and then

9:01

I love that you gave her a CD

9:04

you I feel like you were older

9:06

than you Cuz

9:08

I feel like that's a very I don't know

9:10

older person thing to do or maybe it's a

9:13

high school thing It's a geriatric thing to do

9:15

it. You know, we should give like Beethoven's a

9:17

lot of but okay I think I have a

9:19

question for you Nicole. So here's my question. Mm-hmm

9:23

Your first crush right first of

9:25

all, yes Describe and

9:27

then also if you could

9:29

go back And

9:32

shoot your shot with your first crush as

9:34

a kid again What

9:36

which how would you do it now? You

9:38

know, I mean if you could kind of

9:40

yeah, Sierra know yourself as a as a

9:42

kid How would you do

9:44

it? What would you recommend in terms of

9:46

your approach to that crush? That's

9:49

a very good question. My first

9:52

crushes Were

9:54

famous people like I loved Harvey

9:56

Keitel. I loved Joe Pesci and

9:59

I loved John Luke Picard from

10:01

Star Trek but

10:03

my first in-person crush was this kid

10:05

Matt. I loved this

10:07

kid so much and

10:10

I just thought he was so cute and

10:12

he was little and compact and

10:15

I remember we were walking to the library once and

10:17

I was like oh I want to hold his hand

10:20

and then I never said anything so I think if

10:22

I could go back in time I would be like

10:24

just hold his hand just ask ask if he could

10:26

hold his hand and maybe maybe he'll

10:28

kiss you or something but also maybe you just

10:31

get to hold someone's hand and that's nice. That's

10:33

such a sweet impulse

10:36

of like I

10:38

just want to hold his hand. I

10:40

love holding hands. It's really

10:42

sweet. Yeah. It's it

10:44

can be so vulnerable though because it's

10:47

like your hand sweats and it's like and the

10:49

amount of pressure and the length and the whole

10:51

thing it's like it's a complicated language and whole

10:53

thing I think. Yes. But that's

10:55

so sweet to ask. When I need people

10:57

I like to hold hands crossing the street

10:59

because it's like a car might hit us

11:02

and for whatever reason holding a

11:04

hand makes me feel safe. That's

11:07

really nice. What what

11:09

else like what are other small things that

11:11

make you feel safe? I

11:14

like when someone hugs me on the side like they're

11:16

just like oh I feel like hugging you I'll hug

11:18

you like a nice tight hug and then like let

11:20

you go and that makes me feel like oh you

11:22

were thinking of me and you wanted me close to

11:25

you and that's nice. I

11:27

think both hand holding and side hugs share

11:29

a thing which is you're still

11:31

facing out towards the world side

11:34

by side and I

11:36

guess I feel like at their best for

11:38

me at least relationships kind of feel that

11:40

way where it's like oh I feel a

11:42

little safer a little warmer a little more

11:44

alive or a lot more alive but we're

11:47

we haven't just devolved into

11:49

total navel-gazy kind of

11:52

you know you're still facing out into your

11:54

lives but you're but you're holding on to

11:56

each other that's that's it's a

11:58

comforting It's

12:00

yeah, it's comforting. Yeah, I think so

12:02

cuz I don't love like super PDA Like I

12:05

don't need anyone in my face the whole time

12:07

But I like being you know, like you're sitting

12:09

at a restaurant and it's just like a little

12:11

knee squeeze like that's nice. I Heard

12:14

this thing that I thought was so interesting I

12:16

don't remember who said this but

12:18

they said that like Americans are only

12:20

okay with public sexuality when it's commercial

12:23

And I was like, that's so fascinating. So they're like

12:25

at the Super Bowl halftime show Whatever,

12:28

you know Katy Perry can gyrate

12:30

or do you know there

12:32

could be things where people sort of Santa the Do

12:35

some sort of approximation of masturbating or

12:37

having sex or whatever in it at

12:39

a concert at the Super Bowl But

12:42

if you were to see a couple

12:44

who were madly in love with each

12:46

other at a restaurant do anything like

12:48

that you would be like that's totally

12:52

Horrible and inappropriate and you could make

12:54

a strong case that actually it's the

12:56

other way around The satellite.

12:58

Yeah, this kind of commercial It's

13:01

a creepy thing and the thing between the two

13:03

people is sweet but I would have the same

13:05

reaction like if I saw people like air humping

13:07

in a Air

13:11

humping in a jiffy lube you like these are Christ. What

13:14

are we doing here? That's

13:17

so funny. You're absolutely right Yeah,

13:20

like I don't think about you know,

13:22

gyrating humping the floor whatever like

13:24

my like my miming sex on stage

13:27

But yeah, if I saw a couple

13:29

doing that over pizza, I'd be

13:31

like, are you fucking kidding get a

13:33

room, right? Isn't that interesting? It

13:36

is interesting. Yeah So

13:39

you would just say go ask his name was Matt.

13:41

Did you say Matt? His name is Matt You

13:44

would add and he's compact you said he was a little

13:46

guy. Yeah, he was real little He's a

13:48

little mini. Yeah a little mini a

13:50

little short King if you will a little

13:53

Polly pocket Put it

13:55

right in my pocket And

13:58

so you would have said hey, can I hold your hand? Mm-hmm.

14:00

Yeah, I think that's what I was saying.

14:02

And I don't think he would say no

14:04

because we were like walking having a nice

14:06

time I was gonna

14:09

ask out this guy In

14:11

present time I met him on a plane

14:14

and we talked for the whole

14:16

four hours of the flight Whoa, and then

14:18

we exchanged numbers and then I was like,

14:20

hey Why don't we do this thing and

14:22

he was like I'd love to and then

14:24

I like texted him a couple

14:26

days after the flight And then he was like

14:28

kind of cold and then I was like Why

14:32

why did that happen? I don't

14:34

understand men and I don't understand people. Okay.

14:36

I have a few thoughts about that

14:39

in questions When

14:41

you talked on the plane, I mean I assume if you're

14:43

talking for four hours you're getting in kind of deep Yeah,

14:46

I know pretty personal things about him.

14:48

I showed him pictures of my grandpa really

14:52

Yeah Cuz I was coming from

14:54

Chicago and I had just seen my grandpa and

14:56

he honestly is the cutest person

14:58

in the whole world So I do like

15:00

showing pictures of him to people I

15:03

think look I had this experience once Did

15:05

you ever see those like before sunset before

15:07

sunrise? I was like Julie Delpy Ethan Hawke

15:09

movies where they're like on a train and

15:11

they have this kind of fly-by-night

15:14

romance I I know

15:16

the story. Yeah, but I don't I

15:18

haven't seen the movie. I

15:20

was on a train once from It

15:23

was somewhere in Europe. I can't remember was like

15:25

Belgium to London or something I was working in

15:27

Europe and I was seated across

15:29

from this woman who

15:32

I thought was really pretty and we

15:35

started talking and It

15:39

was a similar situation where we talked for

15:41

such a long time and it got really

15:43

emotional I think at one point both of

15:45

us were kind of crying about something and

15:47

it was but we never I don't

15:50

think we ever learned each other's names

15:52

I Don't know if

15:54

we ever like I think we just started talking and

15:57

then I don't know if we ever introduced you ourselves

15:59

We definitely did didn't know each other's last names.

16:01

And she turned out she had kids and

16:04

a family and everything, but it kinda didn't

16:06

matter. It wasn't like, I wasn't thinking like,

16:08

we're gonna actually hook up. It was more

16:10

just this like very like romantic kind of

16:12

interlude. And then she stood

16:15

up and I stood up and we hugged and it

16:17

was like a real goodbye. Like it was so weird.

16:19

It was a real hello and it was a real

16:21

goodbye. And then we just like, I still remember the

16:23

moment of walking away from around this train station and

16:25

being like, whoa. I

16:28

think there's so much permission with

16:31

strangers and in transit to

16:33

be a version of yourself that

16:35

you maybe aren't comfortable being otherwise.

16:38

And I think there can be like a

16:40

real vulnerability hangover. Like interestingly,

16:42

I met my current girlfriend on a plane

16:45

and we talked for the whole time, but

16:47

I think there's a way in which like

16:50

after the fact there could be a

16:52

kind of like morning after where

16:55

you feel like you've been a little too naked or

16:57

you've been a little too, and I

17:00

think it could be scary to be

17:02

accountable to the version of yourself that

17:04

you let slip in that context. Maybe,

17:06

maybe that's it. But I

17:08

mean, I did text him, I was like,

17:10

what are you doing? And he said, watch

17:12

an Oppenheimer. And I said, I heard it

17:14

bombed. Do you get it? Ha

17:17

ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. And

17:20

then you never heard from him again. No,

17:23

he just hearted it. And I was like,

17:25

okay, well, I guess you didn't like

17:28

that. So wait, what

17:30

happened after the flight? Who reached

17:32

out to who? I reached out immediately

17:35

at baggage claim because I was like, can

17:37

I have your number? And then I texted

17:39

her immediately. So I didn't have a chance

17:41

to get like, like

17:43

I was sort of already, I was sort of ahead.

17:46

But even then I was like going on

17:48

that first date after, I felt like a

17:50

lot of a degree

17:52

of trepidation is it's just you've revealed a

17:54

lot of yourself, you know? And

17:57

I don't know, but who knows that's the truth.

18:00

mystifying thing is like with other

18:02

people you just will never know. It

18:07

is hard because I broke up

18:09

with somebody a while ago at this

18:11

point and I was like but

18:13

like why don't you like me anymore and

18:15

you can't just ask somebody that you can't

18:17

just be like what happened you talk to

18:20

me all the time and you seem to

18:22

really like me and now you don't what

18:24

happened and then I can't ask this plane

18:26

man hey you seem to really like me

18:28

for four hours what happened what happened you

18:31

mean when you broke up with somebody you felt like

18:34

if they were to ask you that it would be like out of

18:36

bounds well I feel like if

18:38

I asked them that it would

18:40

be sad it's

18:43

sad to be like why don't you like me

18:45

and I want to ask everybody I've ever dated

18:47

like what was the thing that

18:50

happened because I don't think it necessarily is

18:52

me all the time like it's a

18:54

them thing it's their life but it's like well

18:56

what happened what changed in your brain I'm thinking

18:59

about it I guess I think in times where

19:01

I've wanted out

19:03

of a romantic situation it

19:06

usually isn't because of some defect in

19:08

the other person it's like our

19:12

Lego pieces don't fit together anymore

19:14

but it's not because they're something

19:17

like noxious about them because presumably

19:19

if it's someone you're dating it's someone who you

19:21

like like and we're drawn to you know I

19:23

don't know I mean I guess it happens right

19:26

like people reveal themselves in

19:28

ways that then other people are put off by

19:30

but I don't know

19:32

my shrink said this thing to me once where

19:34

she was like most of life is uncertainty and

19:37

so deciding

19:39

to fill in those blanks with like

19:42

happier stories will

19:45

make your life much better she's like

19:47

when you when you know there's

19:49

no way to know the answer decide that it's

19:51

something good I was

19:53

like I try to do that but

19:55

it's hard that is nice but

19:57

I get to it's been like raining So

20:00

like when the Sun isn't out I get

20:02

like sad and then I go it's me.

20:04

I did it I

20:06

did something that they didn't like but then also

20:08

it's like I don't actually know So maybe I

20:11

should make it a happier thing and be like

20:13

well, I don't know I

20:15

don't know what the happier thing is right now, but

20:17

I should frame it My therapist also is

20:19

like you need to reframe things and not fill in

20:22

the blanks Well, especially if

20:24

you're in the habit of filling in the blanks

20:26

always with a story of your own inadequacy That's

20:28

where that's I had a nasty habit of doing

20:30

that and still do sometimes and so I've tried

20:32

I'm trying to do less of that, but I

20:35

think Yeah, like it's a

20:37

mad lib where the answer is always I suck Terrible

20:41

I'm the worst I'm

20:44

unlovable and then my therapist is like that's not

20:46

true Don't you have friends and I'm like my

20:48

friends don't fuck me and she's like, I mean

20:50

have you asked and I'm like, oh That's

20:53

funny, but I don't want to fuck any of

20:55

my friends And

20:58

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23:25

Do you have crushes on your friends? I

23:28

don't think I have romantic crushes on my friends.

23:30

Like, I went and saw my friend in a

23:33

play, and I was watching her, and

23:35

I had this dumb smile on my face because I was

23:37

so proud of her. And she was doing

23:39

such a wonderful job, and she was being funny

23:41

and vulnerable and just, like, good. So,

23:43

like, while – like, after it was done, she's

23:45

a very good friend of mine, and I know

23:47

her very well. And, like, again, couldn't stop smiling,

23:49

and I was staring at her, and I was

23:51

like, oh, my God, I – like, I genuinely

23:53

love you and your talent and your heart so

23:55

much. So, those are the kind of crushes I get

23:57

on my friends where I just get so full.

24:00

of like joy. And then

24:02

I once asked someone to be my friend, which

24:04

I think is a vulnerable thing as an adult

24:07

that we don't do often. And I burst

24:09

into tears when she was like, Yeah, I'll hang out with you

24:11

and be your friend. And she was like, Whoa, whoa, a

24:13

lot of emotion. I was like, I know I can't

24:16

help it. I just feel a lot. I

24:18

mean, I think that's really beautiful.

24:20

It's also annoying. Yeah, it's tiring.

24:23

It's a lot. And then it requires

24:25

I don't know for you, but like, like,

24:28

sometimes if I'm in a time when

24:30

I'm feeling especially sensitive, then I'll find that

24:32

like, I spent a lot of time trying

24:34

to sort of numb myself in ways that

24:36

I don't necessarily always like. And so that

24:38

part of it kind of blows. But it

24:41

sounds like this isn't something you really struggle with

24:43

necessarily. But like, the kind of

24:45

tyranny of being chill or whatever, or

24:47

like being, you know,

24:49

a good time, like things I flocking

24:51

can't stand like, I guess

24:53

no one says this anymore. But there was a time where

24:56

people would say like, TMI. And I

24:59

was like, Yeah, shut the fuck up.

25:03

It's like any I feel like any I

25:05

like never enough. Like, info, I always want

25:07

to know. And and when

25:09

people sort of make their

25:12

discomfort your problem, it drives

25:14

me. I mean, I think if

25:16

you're making someone uncomfortable, you want to know that

25:18

and respond accordingly. But when they TMI seems to

25:20

imply that like, you should have known not to

25:23

say this thing. And I'm always like, like,

25:26

it is the messy parts of people that

25:28

are the most like, enthralling

25:30

and, and exciting

25:32

and funny and stupid. And like,

25:35

why? So being a kind of, I

25:38

don't know, like a sloppy, I don't

25:42

know, I'm walking off the pier of the sentence

25:44

and hitting the salt water. I think I get it.

25:47

I don't really like I know I

25:49

do TMI. I know I, I

25:52

over explained myself I, I say

25:55

dumb things. I don't

25:57

think things through before I save them. But like,

26:00

I wouldn't want to be any other way. And

26:03

I also really like when people tell me too much.

26:05

I like when people tell me that they're feeling vulnerable

26:08

or they feel hurt. Like I had a conversation

26:10

with a friend where we kept missing each other

26:12

with our schedules and then she texted me and

26:14

was like, I feel, what

26:18

did she say? Is it something to the effect

26:20

of like, I feel like you're avoiding me. And

26:22

I was like, whoa, no. And

26:24

then I was so happy that she said that so

26:26

that we could just have an open dialogue. But had

26:28

she not shared her feelings, she would have been feeling

26:30

this type of way and I wouldn't have known. So

26:33

I like when people explain their feelings and

26:35

I like when people are silly.

26:38

Like I was dating this person and I

26:41

sent them voice notes every morning with my

26:43

morning voice being like, good morning. Which

26:46

I think is funny. And I don't know if they liked it

26:48

at all, but they were

26:50

okay with my weird shit.

26:52

And then when you send

26:54

a voice note, it says

26:56

kept underneath. So I

26:59

thought they were keeping my voice

27:01

notes. And at one point I

27:04

was like joking around, I was like, oh, you probably

27:06

listened to all my voice notes, da da da da.

27:08

And he's like, what do you mean? And I was

27:10

like, cause you're keeping them. And he was like, no,

27:12

I'm not. And I was like, it says kept right

27:14

here. And he's like kept in the conversation. It just

27:16

means I listened to it. And I was like, oh

27:18

no. And then I immediately started crying.

27:20

Cause I was like this whole time I thought

27:23

you were keeping them and listening to them. And

27:25

then he like laughed cause he was like, this

27:27

is such a big emotional reaction to nothing. And

27:29

I was like, I know. But

27:31

then we like laughed about it later. And

27:33

it's like, if I didn't have that big, dumb emotional

27:36

reaction, then like we wouldn't have a funny little joke

27:38

to joke about later. I don't know. You do

27:40

have to keep them. I just wanna joke. I

27:42

thought you had to click keep. I

27:45

thought you had to click. No. No? When

27:47

did that change? I

27:50

don't know, but I thought it went into like a

27:52

bank or like you could find them later. That's not

27:54

it. Keep just means it's kept

27:56

in the conversation. I

28:00

don't know, I'm skeptical. And I was like, you're keeping them, you're listening

28:02

to them. So

28:05

when there have been people who are

28:07

just like on

28:09

board, who are just like, I love

28:11

you and I'm on

28:13

up for the, you know,

28:15

full spectrum. Does

28:18

that, are you able to, maybe

28:20

this is to, are

28:22

you able to receive that? Like sometimes

28:24

that makes me squirrely. Like I get, it

28:27

freaks me out. I think

28:29

it makes me a little squirrely too

28:31

because when someone's like, oh,

28:33

I accept your weird stuff. I

28:35

accept you. I like all of you.

28:37

I'm like, wait a minute, but you're

28:40

going to find something bad eventually. And

28:42

guess what? Everybody has

28:44

or hasn't. I don't know. That's

28:46

me filling in the blanks. But

28:49

yeah, being super vulnerable is not a thing

28:51

I like. I don't like it at all.

28:54

I truly will die before I tell

28:56

another person. I love them romantically. I'll

28:59

die before I'm like, oh, will you be

29:02

my boyfriend? Like I, I simply can't do

29:04

it. Because what

29:06

happens after you just feel well

29:08

because people go, okay. And

29:11

then they go, nevermind. I break up with

29:13

you. And then I go, okay. Well, I

29:16

guess I was vulnerable for no reason. Do

29:19

you feel like you're worse off for having had

29:21

those experiences? You

29:23

know, that is an interesting

29:25

question. I don't know. I

29:28

just know that like having

29:31

someone around and like watching

29:34

TV with them is nice. And then

29:36

when it's gone, you're like, huh, I

29:38

don't have that comfort. I don't have

29:40

that person that made me laugh. I

29:44

have a friend who had this

29:46

big, beautiful, great Dane dog. It

29:50

was enormous, you know, like bigger than

29:52

like made other great Danes look small.

29:55

And he was this sweet guy. And the guy who, who

29:58

was, who had this dog was. was also a

30:00

giant, beautiful man. And

30:03

the dog got old

30:05

and the dog died. And

30:08

I talked to him about it afterwards.

30:10

And he said this thing that really

30:12

stuck with me where he was like,

30:14

well, buy the ticket, take

30:16

the ride. And I

30:19

was like, oh man, I guess it's just another

30:21

version of like better to have loved and lost,

30:23

blah, blah, blah. But something about buy the ticket,

30:25

take the ride. I was like, right,

30:27

like you opt in, I think heartbreak

30:30

is just like a feature. I

30:33

had years and years ago, same

30:35

shrink, I was

30:37

falling in love and I was kind of, I

30:40

felt like dread. I felt

30:42

kind of queasy and dread. And

30:44

I was telling my therapist, she goes, well,

30:47

first of all, it's called falling in love.

30:49

You are falling. And she

30:51

said, the other thing is, the

30:53

second you start to love someone, there's a

30:55

part of you that knows either

30:58

consciously or unconsciously that one day you will

31:00

lose them. You will lose them to growth

31:03

in different directions. You will lose them to

31:05

death. You will lose them to circumstance, but

31:07

there will always be a moment of departure.

31:10

And so as you're

31:13

dizzy and giddy, there's also

31:16

this dawning awareness of the

31:18

proportional loss that is

31:21

an unavoidable feature of loving

31:24

someone. Yeah, it's an

31:26

interesting question. Whether the

31:28

scar tissue is

31:30

too much, I don't know. I

31:34

guess what I'm asking is when you felt like you've been

31:36

really in love with people and

31:38

they've been really in love with you, once

31:41

the pain diminishes

31:43

and you're left with a memory that

31:46

isn't just spring-loaded with agony, then

31:51

does it then feel like, oh, I'm glad I went

31:53

on that trip. Or does it

31:55

feel like that was too costly? I

31:57

don't know if it feels too costly. It's

32:00

like I'm glad I went on that trip,

32:02

but then I'm like how come the trip

32:04

ended. I have a real problem with change

32:06

and I think

32:09

it's like my spectrum II thing where I'm like, oh I

32:11

want you to tell me exactly What

32:14

happened and why? So

32:17

then maybe I can start to understand But

32:19

then I do a fun thing where you

32:22

can tell me something and then I will

32:24

interpret it a different way And

32:27

then it doesn't matter that you told me

32:29

your truth because I've twisted it into something

32:31

else that makes sense to me But

32:33

to answer your question, I guess I don't really

32:35

like regret any of the people I've had

32:40

Relationships I've never really had like a

32:42

real real relationship where both parties were

32:44

like this is a relationship and it's

32:46

fun I've just

32:49

dated people for like a you

32:51

know amounts of time But

32:54

like Yeah, I don't

32:56

I don't regret it. I don't think so That's

32:59

good. Right? And then you know, eventually

33:01

you get over it and then you go.

33:03

Okay. Well Where's

33:06

the next one? Do you

33:08

ever miss missing a person like There's

33:13

some song what's the magnetic fields or something? I don't

33:15

want to get over you where they like they did

33:17

rather kind of wallow in the heartbreak for a while

33:19

Like do you have that? I Don't

33:22

think so. I've never been like oh, I

33:25

don't miss them anymore. I wish I was

33:27

sad again Think

33:34

I've had the experience before I'm thinking like

33:36

is there something wrong with me that at

33:38

this moment I don't feel more acutely sad

33:41

Like am I insensitive am I you know,

33:43

but then inevitably like it'll be two weeks

33:46

later and you know The thing it was

33:48

just have been postponed or it'll the feeling

33:50

that I wasn't feeling at that moment

33:52

will arrive in a Unpredictable

33:54

way, but there's times where I kind of

33:56

judge my own numb

33:59

feelings But that's a

34:01

little bit different, I think, than kind

34:04

of nostalgia for heartbreak.

34:07

I also, when I break up with people or when people break

34:09

up with me, I'm then reminded of them

34:12

all the time. Like I broke up

34:14

with this guy and let's say

34:16

his last name was Jones. It

34:18

wasn't. I'm protecting his anonymity. Okay.

34:21

So then I was driving in Pennsylvania

34:23

and I kept seeing signs that were

34:26

like, this highway was adopted by the

34:28

Jones family. And then I saw his

34:30

last name just again and again and

34:33

again. And

34:35

I was driving from like one gig to the

34:37

next and I was like, why? Why

34:39

is this happening? And it happens all

34:42

the time. Every time I break up with somebody,

34:44

I see their name everywhere. And I'm like, why

34:46

universe? This is not nice. You're

34:48

being bullied by the municipality

34:50

where you were driving and

34:52

also by God. But

34:57

John Bryan is this...he

34:59

wrote the soundtrack for Eternal

35:01

Sunshine of the Spout of This Mind. I

35:04

think he's amazing. And he wrote the

35:06

song. And I think writing a

35:08

song for a movie with lyrics is a pretty

35:10

impossible task to do that and have it not

35:12

be like cringy and cheesy. But he wrote this

35:15

song for Eternal Sunshine of the Spout of This

35:17

Mind. And one of the lyrics

35:19

from it is, though a change

35:21

has taken place and you

35:23

no longer do adore her,

35:27

still every God forsaken

35:29

place is only right around the

35:31

corner. I probably fucked that up.

35:33

But just the idea that like, okay,

35:35

the relationship is over, but still like at

35:37

any time you can turn the corner and

35:40

be confronted with the full

35:43

agony of like, fuck, like everything. It's just like

35:45

a jack in the box. Like everything in your

35:47

life becomes a jack in the box where that

35:50

person's head can come like slinking out at you.

35:53

And that's really sucky. It

35:56

does suck. And then you go, is

35:58

the same thing. happening to them?

36:01

Do they think of me?

36:03

Do they miss me? And then

36:05

you never know the answer because you're not talking

36:07

anymore. It's interesting how much of it is

36:09

like the kind of like desire

36:12

to do a forensic analysis

36:15

of the you know to want to

36:17

investigate. I mean

36:19

I guess that the podcast is called my own sheet. Yep

36:24

I be investigating. Like if I had a

36:26

superpower I think I'd want to be invisible

36:28

to check in on everyone I've ever dated

36:30

to be like hey are you

36:32

happy? What's going on? You're fighting? What's

36:34

going on? And then I could just

36:37

go go home and be like ah

36:39

they're sad too. I

36:41

mean I think it's one of the one of

36:43

the comforts that like everyone is. I'm

36:45

maybe not predominantly sad but like I've

36:47

never met someone who isn't sad at

36:49

least some portion of the time. Like

36:51

don't you think? Like yeah

36:53

you're right. I mean I said

36:56

that's so stupid like like of course everyone is sad

36:58

at some point but I feel like sadness is a

37:00

major feature of almost everyone I know's life. I

37:03

think so especially as of late. Times

37:05

have been weird and hard. What

37:09

is something right now that like has been

37:11

making you feel good?

37:13

Like consistently good? Is there anything where

37:16

you feel like every time I do this it feels

37:18

so fucking good? Hanging out with

37:20

friends like I went to

37:22

a friend's house the other day where there was like five

37:25

of us and we were wearing comfy clothes and we

37:27

just tihi-hi'd and had a nice time and that was a

37:29

treat. But I

37:31

do need to like get in a

37:33

rhythm of a like a routine

37:36

because I'll like sleep in and then be

37:38

like oh I gotta go record or I

37:40

have to go to a voiceover and then

37:42

I'm like well I could have spent my

37:44

morning doing anything nice or

37:47

productive and I don't do that.

37:50

So and then I okay I pull

37:52

dance that makes me happy. I do

37:55

workout videos with this man named Daniel

37:57

and he tells me I can do

37:59

it. Daniel, is

38:01

he telling everyone or is he telling

38:03

you? Like, is it a one-on-one workout

38:05

class? No, no. They're just

38:08

videos on YouTube. It's called the Body

38:10

Project and then he ends it with

38:12

a fist pump in the sky and

38:14

I go, yay, we did it. Oh,

38:17

sweet. But can

38:19

I ask you about the pole dancing thing? Yeah.

38:23

I am so

38:26

shy about dancing. Mm-hmm.

38:28

A friend of mine took one of those

38:30

classes and she said, she was like, it's

38:32

the first time I've ever felt sexy independent

38:34

of being looked at by someone who found

38:36

me sexy. She's like, I felt intrinsically sexy.

38:38

Like I didn't need, she's heterosexual. She's like,

38:40

I didn't need a man there to let

38:42

me know I was sexy. I just felt

38:46

like volcanically sexy in and of myself.

38:49

But I guess what I'm curious is like, are

38:51

you shy about dancing and like, if so, how

38:53

do you get yourself to do something so... Like

38:56

pole dancing is so exposing,

38:58

obviously. I

39:01

don't really have rhythm. I do

39:03

like to dance. I don't

39:06

find myself inherently sexy. And

39:09

for me, pole dancing isn't finding my

39:11

sexuality or being sexy. I think I

39:14

like being strong and I like being impressive

39:16

and I like dropping into splits and stuff.

39:19

So for me, I guess

39:21

to me, sexy is strong. So that's why

39:23

I like doing it. And

39:26

I have this wonderful teacher named Veronica

39:29

who will like adjust things

39:31

for me if I can't do it

39:33

or she'll watch videos and be like,

39:35

let's try this or I'll send her

39:37

a video. So it's more like I

39:40

just like moving my body that way and that

39:42

brings me joy. It makes

39:44

you feel powerful and it's kind of

39:46

like, and it's impressive. And it's

39:48

sort of relying on an audience a little bit

39:50

where it's like you want people to be like,

39:52

oh fuck, look at that. Yeah,

39:55

like I'll post my Instagram and

39:57

I like comments and people go, wow, you're strong. And

39:59

I'm like, yes, I am. Don't

40:02

you love it? I knew

40:04

an actor who would post

40:07

old pictures of themselves

40:09

online when they were in a

40:11

kind of like a sexy pose

40:13

in a context, maybe it was

40:15

like on some sort of

40:18

like hot or not site or something

40:20

where there's a famous

40:22

actor. And so

40:24

that they could see what people would

40:27

think of them independent of their celebrity.

40:30

So it would be hard to identify them precisely. People

40:32

would be like, oh, this looks kind of like that

40:34

actor. But

40:38

they would read the comments because I think they

40:40

felt like, well, if it's because I'm famous, they

40:42

won't really know. I

40:45

won't know what they really think. Interesting.

40:48

Oh, yeah, interesting. That is

40:51

very interesting. Sometimes I feel

40:53

like that with comedy where

40:55

I'm like, if you get too

40:57

popular, are you still being funny

41:00

or are people just excited to

41:02

see you? I

41:06

think with stuff like that, it's always

41:08

circumstantial. Like I

41:11

used to fret more about that kind of thing, but

41:13

now I'm kind of like like I used to. OK,

41:15

this used to drive me crazy. So I'd be like,

41:17

I don't deserve my life like no

41:19

one does. And I certainly don't like it's

41:22

not a meritocracy. I don't have this job

41:24

because there is no one better for the

41:26

job. I have this job because some sort

41:28

of confluence of circumstance and hard work on

41:30

my part and some talent have

41:33

delivered me to this point.

41:36

But I felt slightly kind of tortured by

41:38

the thought of all of these like incredibly

41:41

talented artists out there who could do a

41:43

better job than me. And at some point

41:45

I was just like, well, fuck it. Like,

41:47

I don't know the like

41:49

I got the winning scratch off. So I

41:51

better like spend the

41:53

money and enjoy it. Like instead of

41:55

wringing my hands about who

41:57

might be a better you know. I

42:00

think it's also an argument for like trying to be

42:03

gracious and help other people get opportunities

42:05

and things like that. But I

42:08

guess what I'm saying is like if they're laughing

42:10

at you because they're because they like you because

42:12

you've been funny in the past, I

42:15

don't know, it

42:17

still counts. I

42:20

think so. So when you started

42:22

at UCB, did you have like,

42:25

you started when you were young. So like

42:27

when you got older, did you have like,

42:30

like audience members throwing themselves at

42:32

you? Were they like, Oh my god,

42:34

Zach, you're so funny. Take me out. Oh

42:37

my gosh, that would have been really

42:40

fun. I don't. I

42:44

don't think so. I mean, maybe,

42:47

maybe people were like, I

42:49

certainly people weren't throwing themselves at me, but maybe

42:51

it wouldn't surprise

42:53

me to know that like, I

42:56

missed signals back then. I think I

42:58

felt so weird and

43:01

like nervous. And I

43:05

just don't think my like antenna were necessarily

43:07

all that pricked for like people

43:10

being psyched about the idea

43:12

of dating me. But as

43:14

I got older, I don't know if I

43:16

ever dated someone from the

43:19

audience of a show though. Did

43:22

you did you find that like when you're starting at UCB

43:24

that like people would have

43:26

crushes on you from performing? No.

43:29

Really? No, never. I don't think

43:31

I've ever had someone be like, Oh my god,

43:33

you're so funny. I love you.

43:36

Yeah, I don't think it really

43:38

works for the ladies or

43:40

female identifying people. I don't think it works that way.

43:42

I don't think any guy is looking for a funny

43:45

woman. I think they're looking for a woman that laughs at

43:47

their jokes. But also maybe not. I

43:49

don't know. Is that true? No,

43:51

that's not true. Okay. I mean,

43:54

I don't know. Like I can't speak on behalf of

43:56

any other man. But for me like Zach,

43:58

you are the key. I'm king of the men.

44:01

You see for all of them. Finally, I'm king of

44:03

the men. No,

44:09

I think it's really fun to date

44:12

someone who's funny. Like it's a

44:14

huge benefit. You know,

44:16

I think for me the

44:18

thing that has always been important is that the

44:20

person has a sense of humor rather than they

44:22

be like a jokester. I think

44:24

like a shared feeling of what's

44:27

ridiculous about the world, each

44:29

other, yourselves, that's really important.

44:31

Being able to formulate that

44:33

into like specific jokes isn't

44:36

crucial but if someone's

44:38

good at it, it's like fun. You know, I

44:41

think that's, I don't know, I think

44:43

people, like women who are funny, it's

44:46

hugely attractive. Well, do

44:48

you have any friends, Zach Woods? Do you

44:50

have any single friends? Also no,

44:52

I don't have any friends. I

44:54

don't have any friends. No, let me think about it. No,

44:56

I don't have any friends. I kind

44:59

of don't. I'm so reclusive and

45:01

weird. I don't

45:04

know, let me think. I mean,

45:06

I won't create that error on your podcast while

45:08

I go through my mental Rolodex, but I will

45:10

think about it. No, that's fine. You don't have

45:12

to. Don't do it now, do it later. Yeah. And

45:15

then make up a big old list. I'll shoot

45:17

you over a current picture of myself. A

45:21

nice little headshot and then you can send

45:23

it out to all your friends. How

45:26

much time do you, how much time in the

45:28

day do you feel like you spent with

45:31

romantic yearning as like the chief

45:33

experience? You

45:36

know, I don't think it's like maybe

45:39

altogether 15 minutes, 20 minutes. Because

45:42

when I get in the shower, I'll be like, oh

45:44

boy, wouldn't it be nice to have someone

45:47

like a warm hug just like this

45:49

shower? Or

45:51

at night. Just to be clear,

45:53

if a hug feels like a shower,

45:56

something has gone terribly wrong. They're very

45:58

ill. They

46:00

have a fever, they're sick. They're

46:03

pissing and crying and they're

46:05

sweating uncontrollably. They're

46:09

just wet. And

46:12

then when I come home, I'm like, oh, it'd

46:14

be nice if there was someone's car there and

46:16

I knew they were inside. So

46:18

it's just like fleeting moments like that. I'm

46:22

sorry that I'm making so many references, but it's

46:24

just like how I think about things usually because

46:27

I generally don't have that

46:29

many of my own thoughts about it.

46:31

But there's this play called The Real

46:33

Thing and there's this section in that

46:35

play where this guy's talking about,

46:37

this guy's married and he says, you know, there's

46:40

these experiences you have where you'll

46:42

encounter someone. And they might

46:44

not be the most beautiful or the most

46:46

talented or the smartest, but for some reason

46:48

you just know that in another life

46:51

they would have been your person. And

46:54

which I guess is what past lives, right? That movie

46:56

is kind of about that. But anyway, and

46:58

he goes and it feels almost

47:00

impolite not to nod in a

47:02

slight acknowledgement of that, you know,

47:05

that even though your your past

47:07

will never converge, that there's some

47:09

sort of affinity there. And

47:12

I think that's such a sweet thing. Maybe

47:16

that's what it was about that woman on the

47:18

train. Sometimes through those moments where you

47:22

have this sort of glancing but profound

47:24

contact with a person and it can

47:26

feel like it's kind of a good

47:28

ache in a way. It is an

47:30

ache, but it's like, oh, do you

47:32

get that? A little.

47:34

There wasn't like an ache for him. I

47:36

was just like, oh, this could be something

47:39

interesting because I found them to be interesting

47:41

and funny. And

47:44

they didn't get all my jokes. But like if I

47:46

explain it, they'd be like, oh, that was funny. So

47:50

I was like, oh, this could be

47:52

a thing. But I

47:54

have dated people. I did it one person where I

47:56

was like, oh, if we met

47:58

like 10 years from now. I think this

48:00

would have gone better. But who knows what's

48:03

going to happen in 10 years and we probably

48:05

won't cross paths again. Or maybe we will. We'll

48:07

see. I don't know. I

48:09

would say if you had to explain your jokes to

48:11

this person, you dodged a bullet on them. Who

48:15

wants to spend their life footnoting their

48:17

own jokes? That's

48:19

a nightmare. That's a straight up

48:21

nightmare. You

48:23

know what? You're right. But also, we were

48:25

drinking vodka sodas. So maybe they were just

48:27

a little like getting

48:29

a little tipsy. But then jokes should be easier

48:32

when you're tipsy. That's right. That's right. It

48:34

shouldn't be so cognitively impairing. Oh, no. He

48:36

dodged a bullet. He dodged a bullet. Can

48:38

you imagine having to diagram all

48:40

your remarks for him?

48:43

Ugh. I

48:46

guess that would be exhausting. I

48:48

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51:37

we're back. Is there a character

51:39

that you would like to date right now?

51:41

Like a character from fiction? Okay,

51:45

this this is dumb because you were on

51:47

the show, but I would date Michael Scott

51:49

because I can't remember the

51:52

lady he ends up leaving with, but I

51:54

thought their relationship was so cute. And when

51:56

you proposed to her with all the candles,

51:58

I started sobbing.

52:03

And I was like, this is because I just

52:05

like the I like when

52:07

two weirdos meet and you see why

52:09

they fit. And that

52:12

makes me really happy. Oh my

52:16

god, am I gonna cry right now? Like

52:18

I just simply love when you see two

52:20

people, and like they have their own language,

52:22

they have their own shorthand, they can just

52:24

look at each other and they know what's

52:27

going on, or they're like, you ready? And

52:29

they're like, been ready. I just I really

52:31

like when puzzle pieces fit. Okay.

52:36

I have you ever seen the movie Jack

52:38

Goes Boating? No, that stars the woman Amy

52:40

Ryan, who plays the woman he ends up

52:42

with is in that movie is Philip Seymour

52:44

Hoffman. And it's one of these love stories

52:46

about these two kind of oddities, finding

52:49

their way to each other. And I

52:51

think it's so beautiful. Now this is

52:53

namedroppy, but I want to give her

52:55

credit. I was talking to Susan Sarandis.

52:58

And she was describing a

53:00

story and she just saw

53:02

offhandedly said, Oh, it's

53:05

one of

53:08

those like, funny foot needs a funny

53:10

issue stories. And I was like, that's such

53:12

a great way of describing it. Like funny

53:14

foot needs a funny shoe. And I think

53:17

that's the Michael Scott. That's the we're

53:19

all funny feet. We all need orthotics made

53:21

to our contours. I want a funny shoe

53:23

to fit on

53:26

my nasty little toe. I want something

53:28

that that caresses my bunions. That's all I want

53:30

to caress

53:36

my bunions. Zach, we

53:39

really have we've come to the end. I could talk to you.

53:41

Oh, my God. Really? Yes.

53:43

I hope I wasn't too emo. I

53:45

yeah, sorry if I was too emo.

53:48

Okay. I thought it was delightful. And

53:50

I don't know why you're self conscious

53:52

on podcasts. I think you speak very

53:54

eloquently and you articulate yourself very well.

53:56

And my producer Mars says you were

53:58

great. But I do. question a

54:00

query if you will do you have

54:02

any advice for me a single person

54:04

and other single people who might be

54:07

listening I

54:09

feel pretty ill-equipped

54:11

to give advice I mean

54:15

I'm like more often than not a little bit

54:17

of a broken toy

54:19

in my own but I but

54:21

I let me think okay

54:24

but I feel like that's that's a

54:26

cop-out right like this is I will

54:28

give heavily caviated advice I will say

54:30

don't listen to my advice first of

54:32

all that's my best advice and my

54:34

second best advice is to be

54:39

curious about

54:41

the version of yourself you are

54:45

with a date meaning

54:50

different people like unlock different parts

54:52

of you you know and noticing

54:54

what people unlock

54:59

in you I think if

55:02

you're someone I mean I guess

55:04

it's hard to give advice in general but

55:06

I think if you're someone who defaults towards

55:08

focusing on the other person's experience or the

55:10

other person's stories or trying to make or

55:13

or or being lovable

55:15

to the other person just being

55:17

curious about like oh if they're

55:19

a highlighter pen what passages of me

55:22

are they highlighting you know I find

55:24

myself oh I'm a little aggressive I'm

55:26

more aggressive here or oh I feel

55:28

actually much more shy than I usually

55:30

do or oh I'm laughing in a

55:32

way that I don't ordinarily like I

55:34

think just being curious about that hopefully

55:37

means that regardless of how the date

55:39

goes and a kind of

55:41

you know maybe there's no longevity maybe it's not even

55:43

a particularly enjoyable

55:46

date but at the very

55:48

least you learn about yourself you go

55:51

away with a little goodie bag of

55:53

like greater self-discovery and and

55:57

also if they make you feel really exceptional are

55:59

you really like the version of yourself

56:02

that shows up that's worth paying attention

56:05

to. Oh, wait, wait. Okay, I thought of

56:07

something better. I thought of something better. Okay.

56:09

Okay. A couples therapist once, I

56:11

asked a couples therapist, I was like, what do you

56:14

think couples can reasonably expect from each other? And

56:16

she goes three things. I was like, damn, all

56:19

right, you were ready. She goes, first of all,

56:22

you should empathize with each other and reflect

56:24

each other's experience. Right? Okay.

56:27

Seems pretty obvious. She goes, two,

56:30

you should expand each other's world. You

56:32

know, you know about old

56:34

tugboats and I know about Buster

56:38

Keaton movies and

56:40

whatever. You know, we introduce each other to

56:42

parts of the world that we were previously

56:44

unfamiliar with. And she said,

56:46

and the third thing is the person acts

56:49

as a treasury of good feeling

56:51

about you that you can

56:53

make withdrawals from when you need it.

56:55

So if I'm feeling kind of ugly

56:57

or I'm feeling kind of disappointing, this

56:59

other person is like this kind of

57:02

Fort Knox of good, a positive

57:06

regard and I can go to them and

57:08

sort of re-up on a version

57:11

of myself that I like that exists reflected

57:14

in their eyes. And I

57:16

thought that was a really nice model.

57:18

It's felt both ambitious and also modest

57:20

all at the same time. And I thought, oh, that's good.

57:23

I'll keep that in mind. I

57:25

like that. I like both versions of your

57:27

advice. I think it's nice and good. Okay.

57:30

Thank you. I think you're lovely.

57:33

I think you're lovely. You're

57:37

so, you're so, yeah, you're so

57:39

like funny and you're also so

57:41

open hearted and so sweet. It's

57:44

gotta be complicated to be like as funny as you are

57:46

and as sweet as you are at the same

57:48

time because probably it's easy to especially

57:51

with people, especially women, maybe who are super

57:53

funny. Maybe it's

57:55

connected to what you're saying about like guys don't want. I

57:59

had a friend who's rich. And she when she was dating

58:01

she wouldn't bring guys to her house because she found that

58:03

it would turn them off that she was Rich and

58:06

I was like really I was like yeah,

58:08

that makes sense because they're intimidated but but

58:11

those are obviously not guys you want to be

58:13

dating because that's That's

58:16

miserable, but I don't know. I'm on some

58:18

weird Soliloquy now, I guess I was

58:20

just saying like you're so sweet and you're so funny and

58:22

I think it's a lovely combination Thank

58:25

you, Zach. Now find someone for

58:27

me go through your Rolodex of

58:30

people and find me someone Okay.

58:33

Okay Zach. What do you want to promote? I

58:37

made a show that came out on peacock now

58:39

a while ago, but you could see it It's

58:41

called in the know and it's a stop-motion show

58:43

about MPR and I got on

58:45

social media Which I was really scared about and

58:47

I'm on social media and I'm trying to do

58:49

that now and in as Unmortifying

58:52

away as possible. So

58:54

do you're you supposed to and that's

58:56

it You can tell people what your social

58:58

media is rather not you can I'd rather

59:00

not No,

59:05

it's just my name or it's mister my name

59:07

because my name was already taken Zach

59:09

I asked all my guests this Would you date

59:11

me? Yeah Thank

59:16

you, that's validating and nice If

59:19

you like this episode of why won't you date

59:21

me you can like it you can rate it

59:23

you can subscribe give me five stars On Apple

59:25

podcasts and if you write me something nasty hitting

59:27

on me I will read it and you can

59:29

send it to why won't you date me podcast@gmail.com

59:32

and This person wrote

59:34

me and they said

59:36

let's see. I listened to your

59:38

podcast My boyfriend is a huge

59:40

fan and longtime supporter. That's nice.

59:42

Oh, they sat front row in

59:44

Milwaukee And okay, if it could

59:47

be on the episode that airs on

59:49

March 15th, this is very specific. Oh

59:51

wait, I missed it Anyway, I

59:53

digress. Oh, you don't need to read that skip to

59:55

the next page that has the actual message on

59:57

it That was just explain her email. Oh But

1:00:00

Do Not go edit any of this

1:00:02

out. Okay. this is Aaron Philip Door

1:00:04

To say that there are no words

1:00:06

to describe how much I love you

1:00:08

is a cliche and you, hey cliches.

1:00:10

So in the words of Timmy Turner,

1:00:13

my love for you burned with the

1:00:15

white hot intensity of a thousand suns.

1:00:17

However, I think this is more important

1:00:19

to tell you the reasons why I

1:00:21

love you. This is. long since day

1:00:23

one, I had been mesmerized by your

1:00:25

radiant mine and your bang and bodies.

1:00:27

Whether it's when I watch you become

1:00:29

a diva. When you sing karaoke or

1:00:31

witness you're quick wit And the Cbs

1:00:34

Bronx your unique arenas constantly keep me

1:00:36

entertained and filled me with joy even

1:00:38

if I'm the target of your playful

1:00:40

antics. I'm walking on air. Being with

1:00:42

use a grand scale. It could be

1:00:44

something as plain as making out with

1:00:46

me behind the salon throw and the

1:00:48

lot and freezer or refrigerator. or oh,

1:00:51

dancing with me in the stores closet.

1:00:53

Why are you outside in the world's

1:00:55

or shower or fucking me aggressively on

1:00:57

top of the mountain in a national

1:00:59

park lot? To do that again this year.

1:01:01

It's never dull. It's always a surprise in

1:01:03

a Give Me A reason to wake up

1:01:06

in the mornings, easily eagerly anticipating what lies

1:01:08

ahead. I suppose what I'm trying to say

1:01:10

is love is that I want to grow

1:01:12

old with you. I want a laugh with

1:01:14

you. I want to cry with you. I

1:01:16

went to navigate the mysteries of existence with

1:01:18

you because baby life is a relatives there

1:01:21

and there's no one else I'd rather have

1:01:23

a seat with or seat next to me

1:01:25

As then I'm fucking this up. I'd rather

1:01:27

have a seat next to me that you

1:01:29

will You. Marry me. Why? Oh

1:01:31

that's nice Philip, You have to

1:01:34

say yes. But also he could

1:01:36

skip this episode and never see

1:01:38

that proposals are here. That proposal

1:01:41

which is very funny to me?

1:01:43

Well that's it. People are in

1:01:45

love. I'm not Fi by. Why?

1:01:52

when you did me with Nicole? Buyer

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is produced. I mean Mars. Is

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executive produced by Adam, Sex Next, Leo,

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and Just. Kinda dated.

1:02:01

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1:02:03

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1:02:07

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