0:00

No one likes being ghosted,

0:02

especially when they're real ghosts.

0:05

Gina Rodriguez is back in the

0:07

hilarious comedy, Not Dead Yet. She

0:09

plays Nell, who's a perpetual singleton.

0:11

Not only does she write obituaries,

0:13

but she also receives life and

0:15

dating advice from the other side.

0:18

This show is lovable, relatable,

0:20

and even dateable. It's got

0:22

Hannah Simone, Lauren Ash, Brad

0:25

Garrett, and a surprising ghost

0:27

guest every episode. Watch the

0:29

season premiere of Not Dead Yet, Wednesdays

0:31

at 8.30, 7.30 Central on ABC and

0:34

stream on Hulu. Warning,

0:37

things are about to

0:39

get intense. Like when

0:41

you stare into the

0:44

eyes of someone that

0:46

you really like for

0:48

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0:50

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time. Hi, hi, hi. So

1:43

I do have some shows coming up on

1:45

February 16th. I'm at

1:48

JFL, Just for Laughs in Vancouver.

1:50

And then on February 23rd through 24th,

1:54

I'm doing four shows at Stand Up

1:56

Live in Phoenix, Arizona. So a couple

1:59

of days, Come on over, come

2:01

on over, bay bay. Ah

2:03

ha! Why

2:12

won't you stay? Why won't

2:14

you stay? Why won't you

2:16

stay? Why are

2:19

you telling me

2:21

why? Ah ha!

2:27

Baby, welcome to another episode of

2:29

Why Won't You Leave Me? A

2:32

podcast where me and Nicole Byer was trying

2:34

to figure out why I'm still single, but

2:36

guess what? The Jerry's out,

2:39

nobody knows. And now

2:41

I'm just having fun talking about love

2:44

and shit. Okay, my guest today is

2:46

a comedian and Emmy nominated writer for

2:48

Conan. I almost said Conan's name wrong.

2:52

I almost said Comyn. And

2:54

I don't know what's happening. Her

2:57

new special is called, I can't talk

2:59

today, it's called Sis Woke.

3:02

I should start over. My

3:04

guest today, you know what? We'll keep

3:06

it. Lori, okay, my guest

3:08

is Lori Kilmarin and she shook her head

3:11

so she was like, keep going. Power through

3:13

this. Her new special is called Sis Woke

3:15

Grief Sweat, which I find so fucking funny.

3:18

And you can stream it now. It's

3:20

Lori Kilmarin! Lori, boy

3:23

oh boy. Sorry about that intro. Who's tough?

3:26

I feel honored. I

3:28

mean, I got a double intro and I felt

3:30

like you were really in the moment, so thank

3:32

you. I was in the moment. I

3:35

should tell people, there's a leak in my house, so

3:37

I feel crazy. Yeah,

3:40

especially when it's getting your

3:43

furniture. That's something I

3:45

don't know how to fix and that water can just

3:47

stay in a cushion forever. Yeah,

3:49

I don't really know how to fix it

3:51

either, but I did order some fans on

3:53

DoorDash. So

3:56

hopefully it dries it right out. Lori, miss power.

4:00

podcast is not about my leak or my

4:02

furniture. It's about

4:04

love. Yeah.

4:07

So Valentine's Day is coming up. Do

4:10

you celebrate? I do. No,

4:14

it's not. No, the

4:17

idea of celebrating is even funny. It's

4:19

like the, I mean,

4:21

I have had, you know, female

4:23

comics tend to get work, especially on

4:25

Valentine's Day, because bookers will

4:28

go, oh yeah, we need it. We need

4:30

a woman. And then you're just

4:32

dragging a guy to a show where

4:35

the audience is couples and he's just

4:37

going, we're not really a couple, because

4:39

you're on stage right now. So

4:42

I find Valentine's Day in New

4:44

Year's Eve is when I lose

4:46

the most boyfriends, because

4:49

I'm working and they want a regular

4:51

woman who doesn't do stuff like that, you

4:54

know? Yeah, fair. I

4:56

have only, I've only been

4:58

out once for Valentine's Day and it was

5:01

while I was dating someone and we were

5:03

also on a break. We

5:07

were on a break and they understood that Valentine's

5:09

Day was important. And I had told them

5:12

that I never celebrated Valentine's Day with

5:14

someone. So we stopped our break to

5:16

celebrate Valentine's Day. But

5:19

then I was like, it was nice. It

5:21

was nice in theory, but then like, we

5:23

didn't go to a restaurant that had like

5:25

hearts everywhere. So it didn't, it

5:27

just felt like a normal day. And then we

5:30

started our break after, which

5:32

was like kind of funny to be like,

5:34

okay, we did our dinner and now we

5:36

can't talk again. It

5:38

seems like he got away with not

5:40

paying Valentine's Day prices because they went

5:42

to a, you guys went to a

5:44

regular restaurant and then got back

5:47

up in you. So, I mean,

5:51

cheers to him and you. I

5:54

mean, yeah, I

5:56

mean, he really should have taken me. He should have

5:59

taken me to. to a place that had hearts

6:01

and stuff. I agree, and

6:03

overpriced steak and, you know.

6:05

So I could have really

6:08

experienced Valentine's Day. Yes, people

6:10

serenading, et cetera, yeah. I

6:13

went to, this doesn't have anything to do

6:15

with Valentine's Day, but I went to Tamos

6:17

Shantors during Christmas when they have the carolers.

6:19

And they were like, what song do you want? And I

6:22

was like, share! And then everyone stared

6:24

at me, and then I was like, believe, and

6:26

they were like, no, Christmas songs. And I was

6:28

like, uh, strong enough? And then

6:30

they didn't like me. They were very

6:32

mad at me. Boo. But

6:35

I was like, why just, Christmas songs? Why not, why

6:37

not just be a jukebox? Yeah,

6:39

and how are carolers not share fans?

6:41

That's, that's the one. That was, blew

6:44

my mind, Lori. Have you

6:46

ever gotten a Valentine's Day present? I've never

6:48

gotten a Valentine's Day present. My

6:50

dad always gave me a Valentine's Day present. He always

6:52

sent me a card. That was the first thing I

6:54

noticed after he died. I'm like, oh, this ended. Uh.

6:59

Uh. Uh. Where's

7:01

my card? Oh, yeah.

7:05

He's not here. Okay. All right. That's

7:08

sweet. I don't recall any,

7:11

maybe because I conditioned men to

7:15

not treat me like I needed, you know, like, oh,

7:17

I'm tough. I'm a different kind of woman. And

7:20

they believed me, which would

7:22

be a huge mistake. That's fucked up. Yeah,

7:25

that's fucked up. But my dad was always

7:27

the guy that sent me something for Valentine's

7:29

Day. That's very sweet. My dad

7:31

never sent me one thing for Valentine's Day.

7:33

I don't think he even knew Valentine's Day

7:35

happened. Growing up, I don't remember my parents

7:39

ever like celebrating Valentine's Day. I think maybe

7:41

my mom got my data card and he'd

7:43

be like, uh-oh. Happy

7:45

Valentine's Day. And then like, that's

7:47

all he would do. But I don't remember them

7:49

ever like going out. I don't remember them ever

7:52

going on dates either. Huh. Oh,

7:54

my parents never went on dates, but that was more

7:56

of a money thing. My Dad would always get my

7:58

mom a little Valentine's Day. A private she got

8:01

him nothing so that to teach me that

8:03

would have had a look at women need

8:05

to be gifted and I give gifts which

8:07

may be doesn't work anymore I don't know.

8:10

I. Don't know either. I don't really

8:12

understand modern dating and I've been

8:14

trying to speak to men in

8:16

public, which sounds very elementary. Like

8:18

I'm like I'm fluent, want to

8:20

mess it, but like. It's

8:23

hard and I don't under a i

8:25

don't I was on my therapist mother.

8:27

would you say to them as use

8:29

that pillow as bad as a as

8:31

a boy after the hello my I

8:33

don't know what I'm in like cars

8:35

at all. I like hard but like

8:38

I know. I met comfortable

8:40

that either. I mean I've always then

8:42

I guess it was his raise that

8:44

you you exist and they come up

8:47

to you and so yes I am.

8:49

I mean I have to give men

8:51

credit for being. Navy. And his

8:53

wife seeing seeing my son knowing yeah how nervous

8:56

he would be that they have seal always. Make.

8:58

The first smooth, You know? And.

9:02

A nerve wracking that would be specific

9:04

soon as I know there's some men

9:06

that just try constantly because they're just

9:08

numbers thing. but if you're guy axes

9:10

a crush on somebody don't know how

9:12

and they're not, They're giving off the

9:14

ice princess vibes and you don't bet

9:16

that have a but Also. Are.

9:18

Interested, but don't know how to turn

9:20

that off. I don't know how

9:23

you approach them that That's actually pretty tough. Me:

9:26

either. But like I don't really

9:28

know and ease gentlemen who like.

9:30

Don't just go for it. Like.

9:32

I've never had a friend me like ah man

9:35

I like this grown on on on to do

9:37

lazily they like master of them were down and

9:39

like. I

9:41

guess men are just constantly getting

9:43

rejected. Rate. I mean

9:45

they are I guess that you you wouldn't know

9:48

as is there is somebody that has a huge

9:50

crush on you and just can't. Year.

9:52

was overwhelmed they're like oh you're famous or the

9:54

your this in there that made up their not

9:57

the things that you wouldn't be into them tells

9:59

us suffer silently for the rest of their lives

10:01

and probably turn into a troll. I

10:04

don't want someone to turn into a troll. Tell

10:06

me if you like me. Yes. Yes.

10:09

That is OK. But

10:11

here's the thing. Sometimes

10:14

people are like, I like you. And I'm like, ew, I don't like

10:16

you. I know. It's

10:19

so tough. What are

10:22

the odds that the chemistry works on

10:24

both? Have you ever? I

10:28

dated or I was online with

10:30

somebody that lived far

10:33

away, that lived in the South.

10:35

And then we met and it

10:37

was like, oh, there's no chemistry.

10:39

But there was chemistry online and

10:41

it was really depressing. That

10:44

does make me upset.

10:46

And people tell me I'm wrong

10:48

for this, but I

10:51

don't know a different way to do it. I will only have

10:53

a back and forth with someone three or four

10:55

times before I meet them because I'm

10:57

like, some people are really great

10:59

texters and they're terrible at talking. Or

11:02

someone's a terrible texter and they're great

11:04

at talking. So I don't like to

11:06

make up things about people until I

11:09

meet them. And then I can make

11:11

up things about them and how wonderful they

11:13

are when they're actually pieces of trash. And

11:16

so much of it is how your body just

11:19

vibrates next to there. And

11:22

it has nothing to do with who there is

11:24

a person. I mean, I know that I've been

11:27

very attracted to awful men. So much

11:30

of it's that. And you cannot drum

11:32

up. You can't force yourself to be

11:34

into somebody that your

11:37

body immediately goes, friend.

11:42

But we shared naked. No, friend. That's

11:44

a friend. It doesn't feel right. You

11:46

see my titties, but like, it's friendship

11:48

titties right now. You can't

11:50

be sucking on them. Just look at them. Platonic

11:54

boobies. Correct. I

11:57

once went out on a date and I was so

11:59

horny. I was like so excited. I was

12:01

like, I'm gonna sleep with him. I don't

12:03

care whether we get a walk

12:05

or not, like I'm just gonna do it. And then

12:07

I got there and I was like, oh,

12:10

I like actually can't sleep with him. I

12:13

can't fuck this man. No

12:15

matter how hard I try, I simply couldn't

12:17

do it. There was just something

12:20

about him that I was like, ee, and this

12:22

was like years and years ago. He also smelled

12:24

like a dish rag. That was like the big

12:26

thing about him. It was awful. You

12:29

know how like, it just, yeah,

12:31

the smell that like, scent

12:33

is so important. This is all primal

12:35

stuff, right? From when we were, before

12:38

we had language maybe even, you know? It's

12:40

just, you're either, it's either a

12:42

yes or a no. And then frequently

12:44

you're talking yourself into stuff that really

12:46

is a no, you know? Yeah.

12:50

And I'm like, maybe we should go back to

12:52

simpler times where we lived outside and grunted

12:54

at each other and the

12:57

one, you know, you didn't have to like

12:59

get along. You're just like, do

13:01

I like you? Let's fuck. Right. I

13:03

don't know. I don't know. I don't

13:06

know. A stepfather. Yeah. Yeah.

13:08

Are you married? Are you dating? I know you

13:10

have a child. So at one point, I

13:13

don't want to say that. I was like, you were in

13:16

a relationship, but then I was like, that doesn't happen. You

13:18

could not be in a relationship. Listen, I've lost my mind.

13:20

What are you? I'm willing to step

13:22

in at any time. I

13:27

am a single mom. I have

13:29

been in relationships. I

13:33

am not dating at the moment. I'm waiting

13:35

till my son graduates from high school and

13:37

he's a junior. So I'm

13:39

on the precipice of getting laid in

13:42

I think about a year and a half. So

13:44

I'm pretty excited. That is exciting.

13:46

What a thing to look forward to.

13:48

Yes. Cause like that's a big step. Your

13:51

kid gets to go to college and then you get

13:53

fucked. I know. That's

13:57

Fun. Yeah. They

14:00

did harm. It feels like you're bringing

14:02

in a potential parents and then and

14:04

much it's too much drama and two

14:07

inches adding. It's not fun.

14:09

And at a when he's eighteen and

14:11

he probably will be at at a

14:13

house but he'll be a full adult

14:16

and a it says that I can

14:18

date like someone, That's probably a bad

14:20

idea because it won't have many repercussions

14:22

on my son. That's why I think

14:24

I think that smart. I think that's

14:26

good. His okay I watch nine

14:28

it easy on size and there is one

14:31

couple. Okay so it's the single life so

14:33

it's an offshoot and there's guy Patrick Zealand,

14:35

Islam, maggots and see as a kid in

14:37

the kids because like five or something and

14:40

he like met the kid and I was

14:42

like will now this kid is going to

14:44

get attached to this person. And. Then

14:46

if you break up this work has

14:48

been of elixir it will guess we're

14:50

on to the next person I get

14:52

attached to Women had sex ed It

14:55

is sad at although my son doesn't

14:57

remember any boyfriends before the age of

14:59

seven which is. A really

15:01

because I there were some

15:03

turds and society as a.

15:05

Season when he sees pictures, the dozens, or

15:08

any memory. So I'm really glad about that.

15:10

That's pretty funny. They all know that, man.

15:12

Yeah, now on and on and off As

15:14

and I know remote Mm of Armour. Why

15:17

did you photoshop me on his lap? Or

15:19

there's. Nothing

15:21

bad happens. There's dress differently,

15:24

Wire is full time. Impel

15:26

human I want recruiter that I'm in his lap. Soon

15:29

as I look at that the as a. Yeah,

15:31

so that that is scary that that's I. I'll

15:34

I'd wanted to avoid that like I feel like

15:36

being the son of a comic is. Is.

15:38

Troubling and ass in terms of a childhood. And

15:40

I did want to add. Ah, a

15:42

bad stepfather or somebody that seem to do

15:44

it and then you marry them are they

15:46

move and and then it becomes ugly and

15:48

my son has to be part of all

15:50

the pushing the of them out. you know.

15:53

I think you're a good mom

15:55

for that, because if I were

15:57

you. I. would be like

15:59

i'm gonna live my life and

16:01

I don't think that's a good

16:03

mom mentality. I mean it's like

16:05

actually really harmful and for

16:08

the life of me I can't ever see a

16:10

flip side of it. I can't be like no

16:12

I'm not gonna I'm not gonna stop what I'm

16:14

doing for this child which is crazy. I

16:17

kind of feel like that way about stand-up

16:20

like that was where I put that selfishness

16:22

is into stand-up because I often prefer stand-up

16:24

to men anyway. Sure.

16:27

So if I had to choose

16:29

that would be that right and I guess I felt

16:32

like if I was gonna be out for the night

16:34

I'd rather be on stage than on a date. That

16:37

makes sense. That's I think healthy. I

16:39

don't know what I would choose.

16:41

Wait Laurie I have a

16:43

question. Mm-hmm. When you started

16:45

dating did you start early or late?

16:48

Like are you a early bloomer or

16:50

late bloomer? Very late. Very late bloomer.

16:53

I was at Catholic

16:55

school and wasn't

16:58

a rebel was like very much

17:00

in the house

17:02

wasn't trying to escape or anything and

17:04

I was a competitive swimmer

17:07

so I was like you know I guess

17:09

like I always had something to do that

17:11

was my real thing like whether it's swimming

17:14

or stand-up and then men or boys

17:16

ever they always came second because I kind

17:18

of felt like I don't know why

17:21

I felt like this early on maybe it's

17:23

maybe it's some mother stuff but it was like you

17:26

can't count you have to be

17:29

able to take care of yourself and I think

17:31

my mom I don't

17:34

know she may have I may

17:36

have seen her as trapped by circumstances

17:40

that she couldn't get out of on her

17:42

own and maybe part of me is like

17:44

I'm never gonna be like that I'm going

17:46

to you know take the lead on taking

17:48

care of myself and not not wait

17:50

for a guy to swoop in because sometimes they

17:52

swoop in and they still can't

17:54

you know there's still many problems and now

17:57

you can't help because you're a stay-at-home mom or

17:59

whatever what Which is more her condition

18:01

back in the you know 70s

18:03

and 80s. So hmm That

18:05

is wild where I

18:07

feel like for a very long time women were taught

18:09

like a man will help you a man

18:11

will save you Yeah, man will take care of

18:14

you and then you're like locked into a thing

18:16

We're like you don't have a credit card and you don't

18:18

have any like Income coming in to

18:20

like save to then leave. Oh my

18:22

god, so I was on Instagram I

18:24

love Instagram and this man, you

18:27

know Are you are I guess it's a reddit

18:29

thing that someone's screenshot and put on Instagram, but

18:31

it's like a am I the asshole? I love

18:33

it. Yeah Yeah, and then this

18:35

one was it wasn't like am I the

18:37

asshole? He was like asking for help So he was like so

18:40

me and my girlfriend had a little

18:42

DZ situation and at first I was

18:44

like DZ Oh, no, he's being cute

18:46

about domestic violence. Oh my god Gotta

18:50

read on and then Then

18:53

he was like and we and

18:55

he's like it wasn't anything big but we

18:57

got into an argument and I shouldn't have

18:59

touched her but I did but we Reconciled

19:02

continued living together then we moved to

19:05

a new apartment and she told

19:07

me that I didn't have to sign the lease that the The

19:10

landlord didn't need it And then we were

19:12

together for a little bit and then we had a

19:14

couple more fights and then one day I came home

19:17

from Work and all of her stuff was gone and

19:20

I had a letter that said So

19:23

essentially she moved them into an apartment. He

19:26

had the power What

19:28

a sting operation? Oh my

19:30

god He had to be out in 30 days

19:33

and was told not to contact her and

19:35

that she was in the process of getting

19:37

a restraining Order and then he was like

19:39

can she do this? Is this even legal?

19:42

Like it's we were we were working things

19:44

out and I was like, oh my god

19:47

This woman had to orchestrate

19:50

an escape plan from this my god

19:52

And then which means he was dangerous

19:54

and then he's on the internet being

19:56

like can she get away from me? What

20:00

he's asking, can he legally get away

20:02

from me? And I was like, this

20:05

is nuts. You

20:07

never know who you're dating. And I don't want to just say men

20:09

are the only people who are violent, but

20:11

you truly never know who you're

20:13

actually dating until they show their

20:16

true colors. Isn't that nuts? Yeah.

20:18

I think early on

20:20

that sentence, we got into a little

20:22

DV. Like, we. No, you.

20:25

Yeah, you did it. You

20:27

did bad. Wow. And

20:30

cheers to her. Oh my God. She must

20:32

have been her. It must have been beating

20:34

for like two months straight. She's orchestrating this

20:36

thing. Yeah. And then I was like,

20:38

she probably had good friends who helped her. It's

20:40

just like one of those things where it's like you. And

20:43

then I think they tell you when you're in an abusive

20:45

relationship that like you have to plan

20:47

to leave because they don't let you

20:49

leave, which is so fucking crazy. Anywho,

20:52

and to, you know, on moving day

20:55

to make sure whoever's helping you move,

20:57

if you hired a mover, they get

20:59

there after he leaves. And, you know,

21:01

oh my God, that is so much

21:03

to organize. And then like, hope he

21:06

doesn't like forget something and come back home.

21:08

Like, it's so crazy. I know.

21:10

I know. Truly wild. And

21:12

I don't want that. I want a nice man who doesn't

21:15

do any DV to me. And I don't

21:17

have to. Same.

21:20

Engape. Real

21:22

quick, we got to take a break. Oh,

21:33

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23:23

Rules and restrictions may apply. You

23:26

had your kid at 41. And

23:30

my mom had me rather late. Or

23:32

I don't want to say late. Is that insulting to say that

23:34

mom had a baby late? No, it's

23:36

true. I mean, I think it's, oh no, it's completely

23:38

true. 41 is one of

23:41

the, I mean, I guess

23:43

people have them up to 45. You

23:45

can, and then you have to get help

23:47

to have them later after that, unless you're

23:50

like an Irish immigrant from

23:52

the 1800s, then you'll go up until age

23:54

55. But I think you have to have

23:56

30. Really? Yeah, I think

23:58

if you have a ton of kids. It's like,

24:00

who are the fundamentalists

24:03

that had all the J named

24:05

kids? Is that the

24:07

Duggers? Yes. She started really young and she

24:09

just, I think, I mean this isn't true

24:12

for everyone, but it seems like the womb

24:14

goes, oh, all right, that's our gig if

24:16

you shoot them out like once a year and they doesn't

24:18

know when to stop. But yes, I did

24:21

have a kid late. Yeah. Was

24:24

that scary or was

24:27

it like

24:29

safe because you're like, oh, I'm like

24:31

in my life and I know what's going on?

24:34

It was a little scary and it was

24:37

an accidental pregnancy. But

24:39

I was also like, as I was hitting

24:41

40, I was like, oh, I guess I'm

24:43

not going to have kids, you know, and

24:46

kind of a little like, okay. And

24:49

then this happened. I got pregnant and it just

24:52

felt like an exciting surprise.

24:55

I also assumed I would have a

24:57

miscarriage because everything I read was like,

25:00

you know, your womb's old, it's not going

25:02

to hold it. So I think it got

25:04

connected to the fetus. I

25:08

call him by his name now, but at the time, until

25:11

about month seven, because then I knew at

25:13

that point, whatever, if I got, if I

25:16

went into labor, the

25:18

child would survive, right, pretty much. And

25:21

I, you know, I

25:23

guess you always recommend your

25:25

situation. I'm sure a 19-year-old who is,

25:27

their kid is in college by the

25:29

time they're 37, they say that's great

25:32

too. But I would

25:35

say I was already formed as an

25:37

adult. I did have some money saved

25:39

up. I wasn't, you know, completely poor.

25:43

And so I could, I don't know, I

25:45

didn't feel like my kid had to

25:48

derailed anything. Like, wherever

25:50

I was in my career, it never

25:52

feels like it's enough, but

25:54

I can obviously say, well, that was as far as

25:57

I got. And then I had a kid.

26:00

And then it went a different direction.

26:02

But that was good too. So I

26:04

didn't feel like he

26:06

caused me any career setbacks in a

26:08

way, early ones, you know? I

26:11

think that's best case scenario. And I think

26:13

it's funny that you brought up like the 19

26:15

year old having a kid and then it's like

26:17

by the time they're in college, you're like, I

26:19

have the rest of my life. But I don't

26:21

want that because at that point, I'm like set

26:23

in my ways and I don't wanna go out

26:25

and have fun. But in my early 20s, oh

26:27

boy did I have fun. Oh,

26:30

too much fun some would

26:32

say. You

26:36

have a joke about a guy masturbating

26:38

next to you on a JetBlue flight

26:42

and that JetBlue only gave you a hundred

26:44

dollar voucher. Is that true? It is true.

26:46

Is that 100% true? I even

26:48

tweeted pictures. I took pictures

26:50

of the guy doing it and said that, because

26:52

you know the lights are lowered to make the

26:55

flight more romantic. And to make

26:57

him move to pull his dick out. Somebody

27:01

who has great editing software

27:04

lightened the photo. Because I

27:06

couldn't, it was dark and I saw movement, but I

27:08

was like, I don't know exactly what's happening even though

27:10

it's like two feet from me. And for

27:13

me to, I'd have to obviously stare. Like it

27:15

was hard to see, you had to look out

27:17

beside your eyes. And when

27:20

they lighten the footage, it was

27:22

like, oh yeah. And

27:24

I had the lightened footage in

27:26

my hand as he was still doing it.

27:29

I mean, it was really a weird situation

27:32

because JetBlue has free internet. So I just

27:34

uploaded it on Twitter and some people

27:36

grabbed it and lined it for me. Yeah,

27:39

I sent it to JetBlue and they gave me 100 bucks off. I

27:42

already spent, yeah. I

27:45

was, it's a longer story on stage,

27:47

but definitely hoping for some kind of

27:50

McDonald's hot coffee money. And

27:53

it didn't happen. I

27:56

mean, I think that's actually pretty

27:58

unhinged that someone was... like

28:00

here's $100 for like someone

28:03

essentially sexually assaulting you like that's

28:07

what on a flight are you like I got

28:10

a little load out I just I

28:12

simply I've never been horny on a

28:14

flight this guy was ready immediately

28:16

we were I don't

28:19

even think the fasten seatbelt light was off

28:21

before he was wait

28:25

on the ascent he was like God got

28:27

a jerk off as we go to

28:29

the sky yes lights down cock out

28:33

yes it was covered

28:35

I would I would

28:39

I would need a guy to tell me this is

28:41

a full masturbation because his hand it was on top

28:44

of the pants it wasn't inside it was oh it

28:47

was the more like he was comforting a

28:49

nervous animal like his penis was afraid

28:51

to fly and he was just because

28:53

it was rhythmic and it went on for a while

28:55

it did feel like some sort

28:58

of nervous tick just

29:01

in his crotch which is you know people

29:03

shake their legs in the sky and then

29:06

other people stroke their dicks over their

29:08

pants that's so weird I know I

29:10

know it's lighted and I couldn't move

29:12

it's packed flight flight attendants walking by

29:14

no one noticing I and I'm looking

29:16

around and I'm like I'm the only

29:19

one paying attention whatsoever

29:21

and then also it's like what do

29:23

you do you call over a flight attendant you're

29:25

like that man's stroking his penis like then

29:28

you seem like a weird narc and it's like why

29:30

you looking but then exactly there's no place to move

29:35

me so if I were to get up first

29:37

of all he's gonna stop if I get up

29:39

to me over him and then I'm just

29:42

I look like I'm making something up and

29:44

they have no place to move him and

29:47

and even if they were to talk to him he

29:49

would know what was me now I'm sitting next to

29:52

a guy I snitched on there's

29:54

no good options for me Nicole there's

29:56

no way to record it

29:58

and try to just try to get

30:00

money out of it. Up-loaded to Twitter, give me money.

30:03

I can't believe that they only gave you $100.

30:06

They should have at least refunded your ticket.

30:09

Exactly, yeah. And it was

30:11

one of those where I had bought it the last

30:13

minute so it was about double the price. That's why

30:15

it was in the middle seat in the first place.

30:17

I mean, I'm an aisle gal. I never would have

30:19

seen this had I bought this two days in advance,

30:21

but. I

30:24

also prefer the aisle when I'm in a

30:26

economy. But if I'm in

30:29

first class, then I do the window. Oh

30:31

yeah, of course. That's nice, kick out those

30:33

legs, look out the window. Did you see

30:35

someone posted a TikTok of a woman at

30:37

the window seat? And I think it was

30:40

first class because there was space next to her seat.

30:42

And a man just was leaning

30:44

over her to film and

30:47

take pictures of the window, the view. And

30:50

she put the camera in

30:52

her lap so you can see him

30:55

completely leaning into her space to

30:57

take pictures. It's crazy. That's

31:00

rude. Yeah, I don't like that. I

31:04

don't understand why people simply don't

31:06

seem to understand personal space anymore.

31:08

Right, yeah. Or like how to

31:10

act in public. Everyone is like out

31:12

of their fucking minds all the time.

31:15

Actually, I do get it. I really think we're all still living

31:17

with a lot of trauma from 2020. That's

31:19

the theory, yeah. Yeah, I think we spent

31:21

a lot of time alone and

31:24

now we're just really back in the world and crazy. Yeah,

31:28

and we're all sort of, we have our

31:30

own little information bubbles. So we don't interact

31:33

with people that don't think like us that

31:35

much. And so in a plane, you're just

31:37

like all of a sudden confronted

31:39

with them and maybe just you're not

31:42

used to it anymore.

31:44

Yeah, and I still wear a mask

31:46

on a plane. It's

31:49

not even a COVID thing anymore. It's just people

31:52

sniffling. It's just all of it, I think is

31:54

actually really gross. And then I

31:56

know that it's not like fully recycled

31:58

air but it's nasty. We're all

32:00

in there and we're all next to

32:02

each other. But I was on

32:04

a flight and this man was like, still wearing a

32:06

mask? And I was like, yes. And he was like,

32:09

why? And I was like, why

32:11

are you in my business? So I just said, I

32:13

make too much money to get sick. And then he was

32:15

quiet. I love it. I

32:18

love it. I was like, I guess you

32:20

just have to be sassy to people so

32:22

they leave the fuck alone. I

32:25

mask too. I was on

32:28

a Southwest flight recently. And we

32:31

were delayed and the flight attendant sat down and

32:33

just started talking to me. And I realized, because

32:35

I have my mask, I'm

32:38

a person without a mouth. I'm just a

32:40

pair of eyes. And she's like, oh, this

32:42

lady will really listen to me. I

32:46

guess I'm just a muted horror

32:48

doll that can't talk back. And

32:51

she just didn't stop talking. It was crazy. You

32:54

know what? That makes a lot of sense, because

32:56

on flights, people really talk to me. This

32:59

one man just wouldn't shut up. I

33:02

did a show in Honolulu, and I was

33:04

flying back. And this man was like,

33:06

I spent all day in the hotel. And I

33:08

was like, but you were in Hawaii. Why don't

33:11

you go to the beach? And he

33:13

was like, well, in 1995, I was

33:15

in North Carolina. And it was New

33:17

Year's Eve. And I slipped right into

33:19

a lake. And then I woke up

33:21

New Year's Day in a hospital right

33:23

from a coma. So I don't really

33:25

do the water anymore. And I was

33:27

like, sounds good. What are

33:29

you saying to that? What? I was

33:31

like, you're giving me a soliloquy about

33:33

how you almost died? And I was like, go

33:36

to the beach. And he was like, certainly can't.

33:38

Oh, god. And even your cries of please

33:40

stop talking to me are muffles. Like they

33:43

legit can't hear you, and they just keep

33:45

going. Yeah, I've noticed that a lot, too.

33:48

Either a little sarcastic stuff, or it's

33:51

huge stories. And

33:54

it just doesn't end. Can

33:56

I ask you about when you broke your

33:59

wrist? right before giving

34:01

birth. Yes this

34:03

was do

34:08

you remember best week ever on BH1? Yes on

34:11

BH1. So I was, it was

34:13

like a couple days before my due date and it

34:15

was my last BH1, best week

34:18

ever. So I did it, I was at

34:20

the train station, I was at the,

34:23

it was a C and an

34:25

A, I forget which one, it was in

34:27

near Midtown right and I was

34:30

running for the express train because I was going up

34:32

to 145th and that's when

34:35

I fell and I protected with my

34:37

right hand, I protected the belly and

34:40

the left hand I went down for like nine

34:42

months pregnant on my wrist and that's when I

34:44

broke it and honestly

34:47

what I was trying to do is save

34:49

myself six minutes of time and I

34:53

ended up not only giving birth in

34:55

great pain but I couldn't take painkillers

34:57

or get it fixed for like six

34:59

weeks because my son was breastfeeding so

35:01

it just you know was healing

35:03

improperly for a while and then I

35:05

had surgery and it's still a

35:07

little walkie you know shaped and stuff there's

35:09

like this bend but yeah. It kind of

35:12

sucked I was just holding my kid with

35:14

a in a cast the first couple weeks.

35:16

Oh no. Oh wow. You bring it up

35:18

to him a lot that you allowed

35:20

your wrist to heal improperly for him.

35:22

I should and thank you

35:25

for that suggestion. He's

35:27

been getting away with murder as far as I'm concerned.

35:31

God that's so wild that like people rush

35:33

to your aid. No no not at

35:36

all because I also I got up

35:38

like fine. Oh ow. You

35:41

know it just hurt a lot. I didn't

35:44

realize it was broken until oh

35:46

so yeah I got there.

35:48

Yikes yikes yikes. Yeah it is wild what

35:50

the body does because I fell down my

35:52

stairs and I dislocated my ankle and for

35:54

a hot second I was like oh I

35:57

should get up and I was like oh

35:59

I actually. not get up and

36:01

then I like tried a little bit

36:03

and then I was like I don't think

36:05

I could ever walk again. Oh god I

36:07

can and it's okay but yeah it was

36:09

wild that my body was like get up.

36:13

Yeah I mean you just don't

36:15

think you're breaking things you know.

36:18

Yeah I guess I have to

36:20

you know continue to write with my right hand okay

36:22

it's oh no it's worse than that. So

36:24

wait you grew up in California

36:28

but then you moved to

36:30

New York. Why not do you

36:32

stand up in LA? Why did you

36:34

move to New York? I don't

36:36

know I mean it was weird a

36:38

lot of my cohort from San Francisco

36:40

moved to LA and I

36:42

guess I didn't feel like I was part of their their

36:45

group in a way because they were kind of more

36:47

going towards alt comedy and I and

36:50

I was kind of a road comic

36:52

you know based out of the Bay Area

36:55

and when I went to New

36:57

York I don't know it just was

36:59

like that you know do you do

37:02

you remember the first time you know were you born

37:04

in New York? No I was born

37:06

in New York and then moved to New York. I

37:08

don't know what it's like if it was

37:10

this would have the same feeling you had these

37:12

same feelings but going to

37:14

New York for the first time is

37:16

like your brain blows up especially if

37:18

I'm from a California suburb you've

37:21

only seen either Spike Lee movies or Woody

37:23

Allen movies so there's like two

37:25

New York's and they're both out of reach

37:27

I'm like I don't fit in either world

37:30

and just going there and I just

37:33

was I almost like like

37:36

just had to sit on the sidewalk and like look

37:38

and take it all in and

37:40

I just really wanted to try to conquer

37:42

it I guess you know like so

37:44

that's the feeling I had I think a lot

37:46

of people have that when they moved to New

37:48

York you're just it's so stimulating and so different

37:51

from how you were raised you want

37:53

that or you don't if you don't want that that

37:55

you're a different type of person you want to scurry

37:57

back home it scurries obviously

38:00

my commentary on people who don't

38:02

want to live in New York. On people who don't like

38:04

cities. You see you little idiot, you got a scurry away.

38:07

That's funny. Back to your

38:09

garage in your second bathroom.

38:12

But yeah, so I fell

38:15

in love and just wanted to give

38:17

it a go. How long were

38:19

you there? I

38:21

was like 10 years exclusively, and now

38:23

I'm more in LA, but I go

38:25

back and forth a lot because I kept my place.

38:27

So I still go back. Is

38:30

it rent controlled? It

38:36

is affordable. It's a rude question. I

38:40

will say this. It's because I grew up in

38:42

Jersey. We would go to the city a lot,

38:44

and I remember the first time I went, I

38:46

was like, I have to live here. This is

38:49

incredible. And then our whole goal, me and my,

38:51

I lived with, there

38:53

was like five of us who lived together

38:56

for a while, but then they're like pared

38:58

down to three. And our whole goal, like

39:00

Carrie Bradshaw, was to get a rent

39:02

controlled apartment so we could just live

39:05

freely and never have to worry about the

39:07

rent going up. And then we did get

39:09

one, and then I immediately moved to LA.

39:13

And I regret not keeping it because it was $1,800 for

39:17

a three bedroom, and it was at 160th and St.

39:19

Nicholas. And

39:21

it was on the second floor. We did have an elevator,

39:24

but it was just the second floor, so we didn't need

39:26

the elevator. And it was

39:28

huge. It was so big. Those are

39:30

huge apartments up there. Oh my god. It was an

39:32

old pre-war, right? Yeah,

39:35

pre-war, but really well kept up.

39:38

And the kitchen was big. The living room was

39:40

enormous. We didn't know what to do with ourselves.

39:42

We went to the Bronx to get a couch,

39:44

and we got one for $500, and it was

39:46

like sitting on a pile of sticks. It was

39:48

the least comfortable couch you would ever have in

39:50

your whole life, but we were like, we did

39:53

it. We bought a couch.

39:57

The first year of living. New

40:00

York I'm populating whatever space you're living

40:02

in is so exciting you know you

40:04

yes yeah you're

40:06

like I'm making choices you see

40:08

I'm a real adult we bought

40:10

in our old apartment we bought

40:12

this I I found this purple

40:14

couch on Craigslist for like 75

40:17

or a hundred dollars went picked it

40:19

up put it in our space and

40:21

this is after years of having futons and we

40:23

were like yes a real couch and then my

40:26

friend Evan came over sat on the back of

40:28

it and broke it immediately the first time I

40:30

got it uh

40:33

New York but did you

40:35

keep the couch and just yeah people

40:37

not sit on that end yes of

40:39

course we did I was like I

40:41

simply can't go get another couch I

40:44

remember getting furniture at Gotham furniture

40:46

and I was like Gotham because

40:48

I live in New York City

40:50

and I just felt like such

40:52

a New Yorker and it's just

40:55

like the chain of you know wood you know

40:57

uh seats and stuff like

40:59

that chair like a pottery barn but

41:01

you're like it's from Gotham yeah

41:04

Laurie well oh my god

41:06

real quick we have to

41:08

take a break okay a

41:18

full rich love exists in

41:21

all of us and wearing

41:23

a locket can really help

41:25

symbolize that guess what Pandora

41:27

is bringing back a beloved

41:29

an iconic piece of jewelry

41:32

you guessed it the locket

41:34

the locket charm from Pandora

41:36

opens and closes so you

41:38

can keep something precious inside

41:40

like a note from a

41:42

loved one laced from

41:44

your wedding dress or even a

41:47

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41:49

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43:50

and we're back what's the

43:52

last date you went on do you

43:54

remember was it good ooh

43:57

the last date I remember was Oh,

44:01

it was a lunch date and no, it

44:03

was like a coffee date and

44:05

the guy. Oh my god So the guy

44:07

there was really no we talked but there was

44:09

no there seemed to be no connection on both

44:12

ends and then

44:15

We each paid for our own coffee Fine,

44:20

and then I did I did a

44:22

set on Conan and he commented in

44:25

the comments I went on actually went on a

44:27

coffee date with her. Can you imagine? Oh And

44:30

I'm like, what's the hang you imagine? Yes

44:36

Yeah I

44:38

know and it was

44:40

it was more the whole day was just

44:42

like chitchat and I and I think it's

44:44

just a Complete fear of

44:47

women in comedy, but also like if

44:49

you why are you watching? me

44:52

on TV if you Weren't

44:54

into like what is yeah, why are you

44:57

still following it and Commenting

44:59

on things the wildest part

45:01

is commenting I think it's well within

45:03

reason for him to be like, oh I'm

45:06

curious to see what this person I went on a

45:08

date with, you know does for a living since it's

45:10

so public but then to comment

45:13

Can you imagine? Yeah,

45:16

uh, did you respond? I don't

45:18

remember. I I don't remember I

45:20

should I could go back and I could

45:23

go back and find it But he also used the emoji

45:25

with the teeth like like that Did

45:32

I did I do a joke about cutting penises

45:34

off I did it You

45:38

know with me the best part

45:40

about that is I'm sure he brings

45:42

if he's not in a relationship Every

45:45

date he goes on he brings it up Every

45:49

time he needs a new woman he's like I want on

45:51

a date with a lady who does stand up Do you

45:53

want to see it and they're like no? I think simply

45:55

don't He thinks every

45:57

old funny joke is about him. It's

45:59

like You are the state didn't even

46:01

merit a joke and I only bring it

46:03

up now because Nicole asked And

46:07

I had to search the archives. So it's

46:09

not even top-level. I Wonder

46:12

if the gentleman I've been I

46:14

don't think the men I've been out

46:17

with like even this Consume my comedy

46:20

enough to be like you're talking about me Are

46:24

you on apps and do they know you're Nicole

46:26

buyer or I Was

46:29

on apps I got

46:31

off them this year because I was

46:33

like it's sad out here and I

46:37

opened them and I don't feel good

46:39

and right, you know, I

46:42

just not for me anymore But maybe maybe

46:44

in the future I'll hop back on and

46:47

very rarely did they know who I was My

46:50

demographic isn't straight men I'll

46:55

do shows and I'll go are there any straight men here? No,

46:57

you can hear a pin drop But

47:01

I did go out with this man one time

47:03

who I've talked about him before he was

47:05

like I don't know who you are and I

47:07

was like, okay And I was like you saying

47:09

you don't know who I am makes me feel

47:12

like you know exactly who I am And then

47:14

he was like later. He said oh

47:16

my roommates their girls They listen to your

47:18

podcast and I was like, okay, and then

47:20

later he's like I did see you on

47:22

Conan and you're pretty You're funny.

47:25

I was like, okay It

47:27

was just like him Just

47:29

slowly being like I know exactly who

47:32

you are big fan big fan and

47:34

then The

47:36

date was just bad and I ignored every

47:38

single red flag. He was waving at me

47:40

at one point he told

47:43

me he sleeps all day and he has

47:45

a night job and That

47:47

he He was like, yeah,

47:50

I sleep all day and and I don't really like the

47:52

Sun I don't really like being awake with other people and

47:54

I was like, I think that's called depression Have

47:57

you been to like therapy and then he like

47:59

looked at me? I was like, therapies for rich people.

48:01

And I was like, oh, okay. I

48:05

think, I don't think so. Every

48:09

sentence reveals more and more how

48:11

he's not the right guy for you. But just the

48:13

idea that he had this information about you and

48:15

he's slowly planning when to leak, how much he

48:17

knew about you was also a lot

48:20

of deception, almost on the level of the

48:22

woman who got out of the DV situation.

48:24

Where it's like, how much have you been

48:26

thinking about me or when to tell me,

48:28

you know, instead of just offer it all

48:31

up. I'm your biggest fan. I listened to

48:33

your podcast. I watched your Conan. I can't

48:35

believe you wanna go on a date with

48:37

me. That would be amazing, right?

48:41

It is interesting. Sometimes that's great and

48:43

sometimes it's not. It really just depends

48:45

on the person. Like I matched with

48:47

this guy and he was like, oh,

48:50

I've been a really big fan for a long time

48:52

and I'm really excited that we matched. And I

48:54

can't, I'm like, I'm really excited. Like, are

48:56

you free to go out

48:58

this weekend? And I was like, yes, I am.

49:00

And I thought he was really cute. And I was like,

49:02

I like that. But had he been like, I don't

49:04

know, a slightly different looking person, I'd be like, ew,

49:07

no, I never wanna go out with you. It

49:10

just really depends. And then he ended

49:12

up canceling on me because he got back together with his

49:15

ex-girlfriend. And I was like,

49:17

oh, that's really fun and

49:19

delightful. He

49:21

literally wrote me a soliloquy about

49:23

how he was sad that

49:26

he wasn't gonna be able to take me out. And I was

49:28

like, I don't need this.

49:31

And this is not it. Do

49:34

you think that's true? Do

49:36

you think he was nervous? Do you think

49:38

he maybe freaked out and wanted a good

49:40

reason to not go out with you? Do

49:42

you think maybe he's like, because

49:45

he liked you so much, it was almost

49:47

too many feelings and he couldn't have that

49:49

sort of masculine control. Like the exuberance

49:53

intimidated him that he had for you? Maybe,

49:57

what a treat that would be to like, yeah.

50:00

to be so overwhelming to someone that

50:02

they're like, I simply couldn't. I must

50:04

go back with someone else. Oh. Oh

50:08

my god, the power I have.

50:11

I don't know. That never crossed my

50:13

mind. I think I was just like, oh,

50:15

well, another person who

50:19

hurt my feelings, but also didn't hurt my

50:21

feelings because I didn't meet them. So,

50:23

and then I truly didn't have

50:25

anything invested other than like, what

50:28

a dream. I get to go on a date

50:30

with someone who already likes me. Well,

50:33

I wonder if now, if it is true that

50:35

he went back with his ex, could he always

50:38

say, you know what, you better be nice to

50:40

me or I've got Nicole Byer on standby. Honestly,

50:44

pretty funny. I'm sure she'd be like,

50:46

okay, then go be with her. Wait,

50:49

what? And something's like, that's not

50:51

how I thought it would work out. I

50:54

just want to pivot back to Valentine's Day.

50:57

Okay, the year is 2026. You

51:02

have been dating someone for nine

51:04

and a half months and

51:06

Valentine's Day is just around the

51:09

river bend. What is your ideal

51:11

Valentine's Day date? I

51:14

guess it would be some sort of dinner

51:17

overlooking the Pacific Ocean. That's

51:20

nice. Some place that has

51:22

never had a comedy night. I

51:24

don't want to walk in and go, oh yeah, I

51:26

performed here and

51:32

I don't want comedians to appear.

51:34

I want it to be just

51:36

us over candlelight and all that

51:38

kind of stuff, looking over the

51:40

water and enjoying each other's company.

51:44

That's like nice, simple and

51:46

romantic. What a dream. Okay,

51:49

I'm gonna steal it. I want that too.

51:54

And I'll go to a different restaurant, don't

51:56

worry. Oh, that's right. Right.

52:00

What if there are other comedians? What if

52:02

there's only one restaurant that we could actually

52:04

go to where we're, there's no

52:06

threat of a comedy show breaking

52:08

out. And so we're all there

52:10

on Valentine's day. That would

52:12

be so funny. I have

52:14

performed at many a shows

52:17

where people are eating dinner and they're

52:19

like, wait, what? I don't

52:21

want this. And I'm like, I'm sorry.

52:23

I also don't want this. I

52:26

thought you'd be an audience of people who chose

52:28

to be at a show. It

52:32

is so weird that people are served

52:34

food while they're laughing because it's one

52:38

or the other with your mouth. And so

52:40

if you, if

52:44

you accidentally eat and someone tells a

52:46

joke you like, you're either going to

52:48

suppress it or be so disgusting that

52:50

I'm going to have to leave the

52:52

building. You

52:55

just like sprayed chunks of your food everywhere.

52:57

Um, I did

52:59

a show, I did a weekend at

53:01

the funny bone in Virginia beach and

53:04

it was one of the worst weekends. And

53:06

I really felt like every single

53:08

show, they didn't know someone was

53:11

performing and that I was interrupting

53:13

their dinner. They were full fucking

53:15

dinners like during my set. So

53:17

was there a host? I don't remember. No,

53:19

they didn't hire a host. So it

53:21

was just my friend Christie who was featuring

53:23

and hosting. She was doing I

53:25

think like a half hour and

53:28

they weren't done with their dinner by the time

53:30

I got on stage. So I was on stage

53:32

just hearing clink, clink, clank, clank. And they're like,

53:34

Oh, I need more water. Oh, my bread didn't

53:36

come. And

53:38

I was like, what is

53:40

this? It was awful. That

53:43

feels like this set up to a

53:45

lot of Eastern seaboard funny bones where

53:47

they just, they, they buy the franchise

53:50

and stick it at a black Angus

53:52

or some sort of steak house and

53:54

just start doing shows. Yeah,

53:57

it's wild, but you're right. Like a full

53:59

dinner at a at a

54:01

stand-up club is wild. Not

54:04

just to people, little finger foods,

54:07

not steaks. Nothing you need

54:09

to use a fork to put in

54:11

your mouth. It needs to be real casual, real

54:13

small. Yeah. Yes, Lori,

54:15

I have a question. I ask all

54:18

of my guests who are

54:20

stand-ups this, do you have

54:22

any chucklefuckers or have you had? Well,

54:26

here's the thing. I don't get, I get

54:29

some men after a show when

54:31

I'm selling merch, but I have

54:34

fear for my safety always and

54:37

flee to the hotel room so I don't

54:39

get murdered. That's my goal at the end

54:41

of every night. But

54:43

my son's father was my feature.

54:47

Ooh. At a club, that's how we met.

54:49

And so obviously

54:51

not the happiest of endings, but after

54:54

my, you know, my kid is the

54:56

great part. So yeah,

54:58

I have hooked up with some comics.

55:01

I also, you know, hooked

55:03

up with a comic during a comedy competition,

55:06

but he wasn't doing great so

55:09

I didn't feel like I was, you know, exploiting

55:11

anything for

55:14

trying to get a higher

55:16

place. So you're trying to fuck him

55:18

out of the competition. You're already doing terribly. I'll

55:20

take you out with my pussy. That's

55:23

so funny. I

55:25

feel like, I say this

55:27

all the time, I feel like men

55:29

have so many chucklefuckers and ladies don't

55:31

really have very many. I don't, I've

55:34

only fucked one audience member and I've

55:36

done so many shows. What

55:39

was the condition, what made

55:41

you feel safe with this person? On

55:45

stage I said, are there any straight men

55:47

here? And there was one man who was

55:49

like, I am. And I

55:51

said, okay, are you single? And he

55:54

said, yes. And he was Irish. And

55:56

I was like, okay. And I was like, are you

55:58

here with friends? And they were like, yeah. And he was like, yes.

56:01

And then he said to the friends, I said, is he a

56:03

nice man? And they were like, yes. And

56:05

I said, okay, well, get

56:08

in my DMs on Instagram if you're

56:10

a nice man. Oh my God. And

56:12

then he did. And then

56:14

he came to my hotel room and then

56:16

he was really, really nice. And

56:19

we had a very nice night. He

56:23

made it into my special because he

56:25

called me, God, what did he

56:27

call me? Scraggles, I don't

56:29

know. My

56:31

pussy wasn't shaved all the way. And

56:33

she had a thing to say. And

56:36

I said, okay. And

56:38

then we talked on and off on Instagram for a

56:40

little bit. And then I very recently was like, hey,

56:43

do you wanna do my podcast and talk about that?

56:45

Cause that was fun and wild. And he was like,

56:47

I don't think my girlfriend would like it. And I was

56:49

like, of course you're dating someone. Of course

56:51

you're happy in a relationship. Yeah. You

56:55

know, I feel like female comics are something a

56:57

man has to get out of a system before

57:00

he can settle down with a normal

57:02

woman. And so

57:04

we're always a story for them.

57:07

But I think it's cool that your

57:10

fan base, they bet

57:12

at him for you, you know? And you

57:14

would trust them. I mean, that seems like

57:16

the, that's almost better than an actual matchmaker

57:19

betting is your people that love you and

57:21

came to see you betting the guy. That's

57:23

really cool. Cause he was not familiar with

57:25

anything I had done. And

57:28

I believe him cause he truly was just like,

57:30

yeah, I didn't know you at all. And you

57:32

were really funny. And I was like, oh, cause usually

57:34

it's a man going, I didn't know

57:36

who you were. And you were pretty funny. You

57:38

should keep going. And I'm like, you could say

57:40

I'm very funny. You could say you had a

57:42

nice time. You don't need an inspiration to keep

57:44

going. I will. I know. But

57:47

yeah. And then he was just like, I had

57:49

such a nice time and I'm glad my friends brought me. He

57:51

was just a really nice man. Oh, cool.

57:54

And did he go back to Ireland or

57:56

was he US based? No, I think he

57:58

still lives in the city. I met him

58:00

in, I think. I

58:03

don't know, I think he was like, he's here to stay,

58:05

which is crazy, because I would go

58:07

back to Ireland. Please, any way to

58:10

escape, I would take. Every

58:12

time I leave here, I go, it's better everywhere

58:15

else. Everywhere. But

58:17

then I'm like, the learning curve of living somewhere

58:19

else, and the adjustment, I think, would be too

58:21

much for me, which is why I keep coming

58:23

back home to my leaky house. Yes,

58:26

I mean, especially if you have to learn

58:28

another language, but I

58:30

do wanna live in Europe for a little while

58:32

and just do standup there. That's

58:35

fun. Before I die, it's one of those things

58:37

that I wanna do while I'm healthy, can

58:40

traipse around and climb up those little

58:42

tiny stairs that they have. So many

58:44

stairs. I don't know how old people live in Europe. It's

58:47

a lot of cobblestone and walking and stairs.

58:49

I know. And in Italy, I mean,

58:52

I haven't been to Italy, but just what I've seen, just

58:55

how did the elderly do it? And they're in

58:57

incredible shape. That's why they've been doing it their

58:59

whole lives. I don't know. I went

59:01

to Italy and it is a lot of cobblestone. And

59:04

I was like, you can't wear heels here.

59:06

You can't wear anything but a sneaker here.

59:08

And it was so hard. I love Italy.

59:11

You gotta go to Italy. I know, I

59:13

know. It's so pretty. And also the pasta,

59:15

anywhere you go, the pasta's incredible. Yeah,

59:18

yeah. I got

59:20

carbonara or cacio e pepe, I

59:22

don't remember, but I had asked

59:24

for Parmesan cheese and the man said, no. And

59:27

I was like, okay. And

59:30

then my friend Matteo who was with me, I think you

59:32

know him. Matteo, oh my God. He was like, they're not

59:35

gonna give it to you. Oh

59:37

my God, incredible. Is he from Italy or is

59:39

he just Italian-American? He

59:42

is Italian-American, but has family,

59:44

I believe in Sicily. Oh

59:47

my gosh. Someone's gonna get this

59:49

back to him and he's gonna be like, Nicole, you got that

59:51

wrong. And I'll just apologize in

59:53

advance, Matteo, but I know he's got

59:56

family in Italy. It's

59:58

wild, he speaks Italian and he speaks. Spanish

1:00:00

and French is nuts.

1:00:03

Anyway, too talented for lowly

1:00:05

standup comedy. I feel

1:00:08

like I feel like stand up should be

1:00:10

the last resort. And if someone can sing

1:00:12

and has the abilities, I'm like, what are

1:00:14

you doing in the gutter where the rest

1:00:16

of us are? Please, you're an opera singer.

1:00:18

My God. That's so funny.

1:00:20

I think that all the time. I'm like,

1:00:22

you're too talented and you're hot. This sucks.

1:00:26

Lori, I have a question. Yes.

1:00:29

Do you have any advice for people

1:00:31

who are single? I

1:00:35

would say having had

1:00:38

a kid and having lived, had to move

1:00:40

my mother in with me the last four

1:00:42

years of her life is

1:00:45

things change quickly and your

1:00:48

life can change really quickly with other responsibilities. And

1:00:51

so have as much fun

1:00:53

as you can while you are the only

1:00:55

person you're responsible for because

1:00:57

when you're not, then that changes

1:01:00

you permanently and that it's often a

1:01:02

permanent change. So do

1:01:05

it all now while you can. And

1:01:09

yeah, I think that's my advice to single people.

1:01:12

I like that. Do it

1:01:14

all while you can. Yeah. Yeah,

1:01:18

I agree because I

1:01:20

think I feel like you're

1:01:22

bolder when you're younger. So it's like, just get

1:01:24

it all out. Do everything you want. And

1:01:27

the thing is, even if you're not going to have kids, and

1:01:29

I know a lot of people aren't, you

1:01:32

probably will have an elderly

1:01:34

parent situation and it's

1:01:37

very overwhelming. So yeah,

1:01:40

just that happens in the blink

1:01:42

of an eye. It really

1:01:45

does. People deteriorate rather fast when

1:01:48

they need to be taken care of. I

1:01:50

don't think I'm having any children, but

1:01:52

also both my parents are dead. I'm

1:01:54

free. I

1:01:57

got no responsibility. Girl,

1:02:00

I don't even know why you're doing

1:02:02

this podcast. Go to Italy right now.

1:02:04

Get on a plane. What are you

1:02:06

doing here? Bye! Lori,

1:02:11

I asked all of my guests this. Would

1:02:14

you date me? I

1:02:16

would, absolutely. And let's

1:02:18

keep this podcast going, Nicole. Yes!

1:02:23

Okay, Lori, do you have anything that you

1:02:25

want to promote? I

1:02:28

have a new special that came

1:02:30

out January 30th and it's called

1:02:32

Sis Woke Grief Sled. And

1:02:35

it's about an hour of stand-up, a ton

1:02:37

of jokes. I joke about my mom dying

1:02:39

of COVID, being a

1:02:41

parent, etc., etc. And

1:02:46

you know, I have my dates on my

1:02:48

website, lorikilmartin.com. I'll be in Chicago in

1:02:50

March. I'll be in Ann Arbor in

1:02:52

March. I'll be in Vermont,

1:02:55

Burlington in May and

1:02:58

Dayton, Ohio also in May.

1:03:01

Ooh, sexy Dayton, Ohio. I

1:03:03

don't think I've ever been there. I

1:03:06

do feel like I do get flirted with

1:03:08

more in Ohio by conservative men

1:03:10

who want to change me. And

1:03:14

I am willing to endure that

1:03:16

sort of, I guess, hate fuck.

1:03:20

But again, my son has to be out of high

1:03:22

school. That's

1:03:25

really funny. They want to hate

1:03:27

you? I think so, yeah. I

1:03:29

get this. Yes. Because

1:03:32

you know what? I was raised by Republicans, right? That's

1:03:34

the kind of... And so I

1:03:36

feel like I emanate some sort of

1:03:38

like, oh, she's straight far

1:03:40

from home. But I can get

1:03:42

her back to the land. She's

1:03:45

an animal that's out in the wild with liberals

1:03:47

or something, you know? It's like a man being

1:03:49

like, you're a lesbian. I can change that.

1:03:51

And it's like, well, I don't know. I don't

1:03:54

know if you can fuck my liberalism out

1:03:56

of me. That's

1:03:58

so funny. Well, Lori,

1:04:00

thank you so much for doing this.

1:04:04

If you like this episode of Why Won't You Date Me,

1:04:06

you can like it, you can rate it, you can subscribe,

1:04:08

you can give me five stars on Apple Podcasts, and if

1:04:10

you write me something dirty hitting on me, and

1:04:13

you can submit that to whywon'tyoudatemepodcast.com, I

1:04:15

will read it.

1:04:18

This nice person said, my

1:04:20

dream date with you is when

1:04:22

I shave off all of your

1:04:24

hair and cover you in money,

1:04:26

Wolf of Wall Street style. Okay,

1:04:28

before laying down on a surgery

1:04:30

table to dissect your vagina, this

1:04:32

person wants to cut me up.

1:04:34

Wait, it started so good and

1:04:37

then what a churn. And

1:04:39

then they're cutting me up. That's

1:04:41

terrible. Someone call

1:04:43

the police. Uh, you're in danger,

1:04:45

Nicole. Well, that

1:04:48

really upset me. Okay, bye. You've

1:04:54

been listening to Why Won't You Date Me

1:04:56

with Nicole Byer. This show is produced

1:04:58

by Nick Lauer with guest research,

1:05:01

and the second is produced by

1:05:03

Adam Maxx, Nick Liao, and Jake Ross

1:05:05

at Team Coco with both Booking, Paula

1:05:08

Davis, Gina Batista, and Maddie Ogden. Got

1:05:10

a dirty message for Nicole? Read

1:05:12

it to whywon'tyoudatemepodcast.com for a chance to

1:05:15

have it featured on a future show.

1:05:17

Thanks for listening. We'll

1:05:19

see you next week with a

1:05:22

brand new episode. T-T-Poop-Poop-Pops. Bye-bye. This

1:05:27

has been a Team Coco

1:05:29

production. Hey,

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1:06:04

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1:06:06

proudest of is with my friends.

1:06:08

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1:06:11

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1:06:13

friends. And honestly, a common misconception about

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