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abortion care. Visit plannedparenthood.org. That's

1:01

plannedparenthood.org. Black

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on Instagram at wearegolden. Statistics

1:34

sourced from zippy.com as of 2021. Why

1:46

won't you date me?

1:48

Why won't you date

1:50

me? Why won't you

1:52

date me? Please tell

1:54

me why? Oh

2:01

baby, welcome to another episode of Why Won't

2:03

You Date Me, a podcast for me, Nicole Beier,

2:05

has been trying to figure out why I was

2:08

still single for so long, even

2:10

though you could come

2:13

in my washing

2:15

machine and tell me that it was a

2:18

fabric softener. My guest today is a

2:20

hilarious comedian and a staple in the

2:22

New York comedy scene. He was an

2:24

announcer and sidekick for the Wanda Psych

2:27

show. His new special, Different Strokes, is

2:29

now on Netflix. I've

2:31

heard so much about him and I'm so excited he's

2:33

here. It's Keith Robinson! Yay! I

2:40

can't clap so I'll do this. Listen,

2:44

clapping is overrated. Who fucking cares?

2:47

Okay, Keith, let's get into it. Absolutely.

2:51

Are you single dating? I am. No,

2:54

I'm single. Yes. I'm

2:56

single. I'm single. Single, single,

2:59

single. And are you like

3:02

looking or are you happy being

3:04

single? Right now I'm having

3:06

me in sync. Now. Okay.

3:09

I'm chill for a little bit.

3:12

Okay. I like to ask all of my comedians that

3:14

I have on this, do you

3:17

have chucklefuckers? When you

3:19

go touring and you're doing

3:21

shows, are there ladies who throw

3:24

themselves at you? Not

3:26

throwing themselves, but

3:28

making themselves available. Oh,

3:31

I think that's throwing

3:33

themselves. No, I mean,

3:37

well, since I have my stroke definitely.

3:40

So I would call them throwing, you know,

3:43

but you know, they ain't letting you know what

3:46

they want and you know,

3:49

all that, how they want. What

3:52

they want and how they want. I

3:54

feel like that's like throwing yourself, but

3:57

I mean making yourself available. I kind

3:59

of like that. Right. Me

4:01

and Silverbelle. Um,

4:03

can I ask you, you've had two strokes. Yes.

4:06

And the second stroke was

4:09

you were on a plane, um, to

4:12

see a friend and you took by Agra before landing,

4:14

and then when you got off the plane you had

4:16

a stroke? Yes. I went on

4:19

a flight, I went to Arizona to

4:21

get laid. Period. Let's leave it like

4:23

that. Uh-huh.

4:26

It's not short-cut or anything. I

4:29

went there specifically to

4:31

get laid. Mm-hmm. And

4:34

that was a girl that I've been known

4:36

for years. Mm-hmm. Number

4:38

one for years. And

4:41

was made available, like

4:43

we were supposed to meet in

4:45

Vegas without throwing a

4:47

shell at the company selling in

4:49

Vegas. We were supposed to

4:51

meet there, but then on

4:54

March the 16th, everything

4:57

shut down. Mm-hmm. And

4:59

then she said, well, when

5:01

can we see each other? And

5:04

it happened November. Right

5:07

now, Thanksgiving. Because

5:10

nobody, no family was getting

5:12

together because of COVID.

5:15

Mm-hmm. So I

5:17

decided to give this girl

5:19

that I've been wanting to get for

5:23

damn near 20 years. Ooh. It's

5:25

a long time. All

5:28

right. That's why I took

5:30

my opportunity. I wasn't going

5:32

back until it stopped me

5:34

from getting what I deserved.

5:37

Uh-huh. And

5:40

believe me, I got what I deserved first. Did

5:47

you make it to this lady? Well,

5:50

here's how I went then. Right.

5:52

You know, you fly a lot.

5:54

Mm-hmm. I had first

5:57

class. First class. They gave

5:59

me all the drinks. I'm drinking. Bam,

6:01

boom, bam, boom, bam, boom, bam, boom,

6:03

bam, boom, bam. I'm

6:05

twisting. The pilot

6:07

makes that announcement, you know. Twenty

6:11

minutes left in the flight, get everything

6:13

together. So of

6:15

course I'm doing a math now. I'm

6:17

loading drop and I'm still doing a math. Twenty

6:20

minutes left, it was ten minutes

6:22

to the girl's house. Told

6:24

her 30 minutes. Well,

6:28

what takes 30 minutes to kick

6:30

in? Viagra. I

6:32

popped me a nice blue

6:34

boy. A

6:36

sweet blue boy. But

6:40

when I got off the flight, I'm

6:42

feeling a little dizzy. I mean, what's going on? You

6:45

know, my leg is not, you

6:48

know, I'm still walking and

6:50

I get my over. But

6:53

I'm like, oh, my vision blurs.

6:56

I mean, I don't know what's going

6:58

on. But Nicole,

7:00

I don't panic. I'm

7:02

a grown man. A grown

7:05

man do not say it. Okay.

7:08

All right. So I

7:11

just know you have to make

7:13

that decision, you

7:15

know. Should

7:18

I go to the girl's house? Should

7:21

I go to the hospital and

7:24

live? What was

7:26

the decision you made? That's

7:29

so, man. It

7:31

didn't want to grow, man. What

7:33

you saying? You went to the girl's

7:35

house? Yeah, man. And

7:40

then did you go to the hospital like

7:42

directly after or did you wait even longer?

7:44

No, wait even longer. Okay.

7:48

Well, you're having a stroke. You're

7:51

right. So I go. Well, the

7:53

core one side and hits on brain and it's on. Mm

7:56

hmm. I can think of

7:58

my right side. on one down, but

8:01

laying one down. I

8:03

guess was what was still on. Oh,

8:06

that Dick was still a

8:08

working that third legs and

8:10

I will rise up. That's

8:16

a really funny commercial for Viagra.

8:18

You might be having a stroke, but you can

8:20

still stroke. Do you know what I mean? Yes.

8:28

Oh my God. And

8:30

then morning I could really

8:32

walk. They call the ambulance and I'm going to

8:34

go to the hospital. Damn.

8:37

That's dedication. That is dedication

8:39

to getting it. Man.

8:42

We do this all the time. Like

8:45

I will go in Philadelphia.

8:48

I live in Philadelphia. And

8:51

then Friday we're

8:53

just Allen housing projects.

8:57

Now this girl off minutes

8:59

from my house and

9:01

like one in the morning. Now

9:04

you go to Richard Allen housing projects

9:06

at one in the morning. There's

9:08

a 99.5 chance

9:11

you get robbed, beat

9:14

or worse. That

9:16

low percentage is all I need.

9:20

That was left and

9:22

I still want that. I

9:24

love it. You look in the face

9:26

of danger and you go, nah, I'm

9:29

going to get that pussy. I'm

9:31

going to get it. I might

9:33

get stabbed. I might have a

9:35

stroke. Yes. I'm going

9:37

to fucking do it.

9:40

Yes. See, maybe, maybe.

9:44

If you had that type of dedication.

9:48

Honestly, hands down, all

9:51

the years I've done this show, the

9:53

funniest thing anyone has ever said to

9:56

me, maybe if you had that dedication.

10:00

Look in the face of death

10:02

multiple times. Maybe, maybe

10:05

you would have somebody.

10:07

That's so funny. Oh

10:11

my God, Keith, have you been married

10:13

at all or no? No. Do

10:16

you think you want to get married? Is that a

10:18

thing in the cards? Yeah.

10:23

You know, I

10:26

have kids, you know, I have

10:28

a couple of grandkids I'm good.

10:31

Okay. All I needed, right? This is

10:33

what I needed. Receipts. And

10:37

that's one thing you got to go

10:40

for. They just sell some receipts

10:42

to show that you are here on Earth. And

10:46

you receive all your kids. Aww.

10:50

How many kids do you have? Boy and

10:52

girl. How old's the boy? Boy

10:55

is 30. Is he single? Oh. Oh,

10:58

well, yeah. Yeah. He

11:00

is? Yes,

11:03

he is. Where do you live at? Let me

11:05

in your family. He's

11:10

30 years old. How old are you? I

11:13

believe I am 39. All

11:17

right. That's good. Is that too, that

11:19

might be too old for him. Ask

11:22

him. Show him my face. Be like, she's

11:24

kind of youthful. Yeah. She's

11:28

a youthful spirit. His

11:30

sister's around 39. Morning. Okay.

11:33

You know, so,

11:36

you know, yeah, definitely.

11:39

Let me in your family. Absolutely.

11:43

Nicole Robinson. I like it.

11:49

What is one of the worst dates you've

11:51

ever been on? For me. Now,

11:55

this is a question I oppose.

11:57

So a lot of women.

12:01

I said, was that wrong? Okay.

12:04

Now, this girl,

12:08

out in New York, she's in

12:10

Philadelphia. She

12:12

had beat me. That's how long I wanted her to

12:14

have beat me. She beat

12:16

me. Now I said, no. If

12:19

I was coming to Philly, I

12:22

damn sure better get some. Okay.

12:27

Alright. Okay.

12:30

She said, sure. Okay.

12:32

I'm like, alright. And

12:35

right around 1992, 1993, it was. Being

12:41

one of the sex of roommates. Mm-hmm.

12:45

I told Wanda, well, you know, here we

12:47

go. You know, I'm doing the thing.

12:50

I'm doing the thingy thing. Mm-hmm. You know,

12:52

I was in the store. Got my condoms. Got it.

12:55

You know, everything that I needed before mine. Now

12:59

I drive to

13:01

Philadelphia and back then,

13:05

91, 92, we had

13:07

lobster was popping. It's all

13:09

good. We had

13:11

lost. Of

13:14

course you did. I love red

13:16

lobster. Got

13:19

those nice biscuits. Those

13:22

cheddar babe biscuits. Ooh, garlic.

13:26

Yeah. She was eating

13:28

everything she could eat. She was smacking.

13:32

So I said, oh, so, um, we won't

13:35

go do them or something. She

13:38

said, no, no, I got, I got a

13:40

headache. I'm

13:43

like, oh, you got it. Yeah.

13:45

I think my periods come on.

13:48

And so I know, I know what's going

13:50

on. I'm like, oh,

13:53

you got a headache. Very strong. Wow.

13:56

What you order dessert. And

13:58

I mean right now. I wanted a bathroom.

14:01

Oh no, Keith. Throw

14:03

back to New York. Oh

14:06

no. Left eye had set, was

14:08

I wrong? Nicole,

14:11

was I wrong? Okay.

14:17

You know, it's tough.

14:21

Okay, yes. I

14:23

think I was wrong. But

14:29

here, okay, here's the thing. It's

14:31

like she doesn't owe you sex, but then

14:33

you don't owe to- No, no, no, she

14:35

does. No! Okay,

14:38

so she agreed to it, but then

14:40

she changed her mind. Everyone's allowed to

14:42

change her mind. But also you don't

14:44

owe her dinner. Right. So.

14:47

Yes. Nobody

14:50

owed each other anything, and then

14:53

both people were disappointed. What

14:55

was it like living with Wanda Sykes?

14:58

That was great. All we

15:00

would do is play video games all night. What

15:03

video games? What

15:05

was that thing? Sonic?

15:08

Nintendo. Okay.

15:11

When playing Nintendo all night and

15:13

day, there's

15:15

a bunch of Nintendos. And

15:17

were you living in, where were

15:20

you, you were living in Jersey at the time with

15:22

her? Woodbridge, New Jersey. Woodbridge!

15:25

I'm from Middletown, and then Woodbridge had the

15:28

fancy mall that was like 20 minutes from

15:30

us. So we would always drive up to Woodbridge. Yes.

15:33

We got to Woodbridge a long time. I

15:37

love hearing about comics when they're

15:39

younger and how they used to live with

15:41

other comics that we know and shit like that.

15:43

Because it is such a close, tight-knit

15:46

community. And there's just

15:48

so much love. Like my friend Mateo

15:50

Lane has spoken about you so many

15:52

times. And I just never had the

15:55

chance to meet you because I bip

15:57

and bop out of New York and stuff. But yeah,

15:59

I just, I love. I love how close

16:01

the comedy community is. Oh,

16:04

yes. Like after

16:06

one and less Patrice

16:08

O'Neal on that. Oh

16:12

my God. What a dream. So,

16:15

That's incredible. That's so fun. That was me

16:17

and Patrice. Patrice was so funny.

16:20

Did you play video games with Patrice too? Of

16:22

course. No. Chess,

16:26

football. I

16:29

don't understand chess.

16:32

It looks like an intellectual game. Like whenever

16:34

I see people in the park playing it,

16:37

I'm like, oh my God, they all must be so

16:39

smart. And I simply don't get it. Well,

16:43

you know, in jail, they

16:46

play a lot of chess. It's

16:50

an old, now at

16:52

that park, Washington Square Park,

16:55

it's a lot of kind

16:58

and personal, but some

17:00

of the Russian chess players come there

17:03

and they play. And

17:06

I played a couple of them. I

17:08

lost every time. They

17:11

can really, really play. You,

17:13

I just want to double back to what, something

17:16

you said a second ago. You said, oh, you

17:18

play a lot of chess in jail and then

17:20

in Washington Square Park, how

17:23

many times do, how long did you spend in jail?

17:26

Yeah, I went to jail. I got like

17:29

maybe four days, two

17:31

days, whatever. But

17:34

my brother spent a

17:36

couple of years in jail and

17:39

everybody knows that jail, everybody

17:42

got that chess board out. Something

17:46

new. I

17:48

spent one night in jail and nobody played

17:50

chess with me. The last

17:52

time I got arrested was

17:55

when Rachel Feinstein and

17:58

Kevin Hart. That

18:00

was the last time I was like $90. What

18:03

were y'all doing? Drawing

18:06

snacks from a gig. They

18:08

were both opening for me. And

18:13

we'd draw them back to New York. And

18:15

we'd say, where do we want us to drop me

18:18

off at? Until

18:20

I'm just going to go to

18:22

the store. Let

18:24

me out of the store. So I'm thinking,

18:26

wait a minute. She don't

18:29

want us to know where she live at. Wait

18:33

a minute. You know,

18:35

we're all good friends. So,

18:37

me and Kev, I

18:40

said Kev, turn lights up and

18:42

go up on the back. We're

18:44

going to find out where she live. So

18:48

the radio comes out. She's

18:50

walking down the street. And me

18:52

and Kev start screaming at her from the car.

18:54

Come here, white girl. We're going to

18:57

teach you a good lesson. Cops

19:03

and seals, I guess. And

19:05

they pull me and Kev over. And

19:09

they go to Kev, license and registration.

19:12

Kev go on and run

19:15

away when a cop asks you

19:17

something. And

19:19

you want arms. You

19:21

probably don't have what they're looking for. So

19:24

Kev did not have his

19:27

license. So

19:30

they said we're going to arrest you and

19:33

we're going to tow this car. Now

19:36

tell them that's why I come in here. I

19:39

have more experience with

19:41

police. You know,

19:43

I come from a long line of

19:46

cop fighters in my family. So

19:49

I'm like, what is my car? Is

19:52

it what I said, my damn

19:54

car. I've got my

19:57

license and you ain't going to shit. The

20:00

cops said, get out the car and

20:04

step on the car and grab my

20:06

list. You know, I, you

20:10

know, press against them some and

20:13

move around. You know what I mean? And when

20:15

they go again and

20:18

they all start jumping over the cops,

20:20

they start jumping. I'm throwing the cops

20:22

all over the place. Right. They

20:25

keep this shit out of me. Well,

20:28

I'm pepper spray out, you

20:30

know, shaking out my fuck, pepper spray.

20:33

I eat, I

20:36

eat, fuck his friend. They

20:38

don't like four cans of my face.

20:43

Cabs in the car. Scary. You're like, I have

20:45

more experience with the police. And then they're like,

20:47

they kick the shit out of me and they

20:49

pepper sprayed me. Well,

20:51

yeah, you know, I've been through.

20:55

Uh-huh. So they take cabins,

20:58

take me to the hospital. When

21:01

I come back, cab is all disheveled.

21:03

Well, then what happened? A

21:06

homeless guy had

21:08

wrestled cabs in the

21:11

ground and

21:13

took his potato chips, right? And

21:16

he says, is that good? He

21:19

says, well, potato chips. And

21:22

I'm like, what? The

21:25

cops, they let him go. So

21:29

in the morning time, my mom in the morning,

21:32

dumb Rachel come here. She

21:34

comes in with a cheeseburger. All

21:37

right. She has been

21:39

a fun desk. Can I give

21:42

him? I know he's probably home. It's sure.

21:44

Give him, give him something. She

21:47

gave me a cheeseburger. I'm running tennis.

21:49

She's worked out for

21:51

stupid Rachel. Like look

21:53

inside the burger. I

21:56

look inside the burger. I

21:59

look in the burger. There's a

22:01

note. We're

22:03

going to get you out of here. The

22:07

fuck you think the Shawshank were definitely.

22:10

We're going to get you out of

22:12

here. It's

22:17

a hospital. I'm a

22:19

young 20. It's

22:22

what he was. He

22:25

knows. But they try to

22:27

go to court for that thing. And

22:30

the cops said. The

22:32

reason they arrest me. Can

22:35

I download the car. When

22:37

to brush around the

22:39

newspaper. Like when the

22:41

shotgun. Why would I. Why

22:45

would I do that. I

22:48

had to go on six months. Well

22:51

that. Wow. All for

22:53

starting to do a bit. It

23:00

all started with a. Let's

23:02

yell at our friend. And then

23:05

the cops were like that. All right. We'll

23:07

put you in the hospital. And they gave me a

23:09

good beat. That's so wild. Real

23:13

quick. We got to take a break. Macy's

23:23

is celebrating pride by

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continuing our year round support

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for LGBTQ you. I

23:30

a plus creators brands

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and causes top brands such

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skin muse earth's nectar. Non

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Macy's and the Trevor project in their six

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year of partnership and help provide life saving

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suicide prevention and crisis intervention services that support

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LGBTQ you. I

23:55

a plus young people. Happening

23:58

June 1st through the

24:00

third. 30th shop LGBTQ

24:03

owned brands at Macy's.com

24:05

or in store. Wait

24:08

Keith, when did you get into comedy? You've been doing

24:10

it for a long time since the

24:12

80s. Whoa.

24:16

I like how you said that. You said

24:19

it made me know I'm sorry.

24:22

Let me rephrase it. No, I'm doing a

24:24

little better. Keith. Yes, you

24:27

are a comedy

24:29

legend. Who has been

24:31

around for a time. We

24:35

don't know. It's like you appear. Okay,

24:39

Keith, you're a legend and you've been a

24:42

staple for such a long time like at

24:44

the seller and touring and whatnot. When did

24:46

you get into comedy? We go. I

24:51

did for okay. And

24:54

what made you do it? Was it a friend who

24:56

pushed you? Was it someone who's like you're so funny

24:58

or were you like, did you see stand up and

25:00

you're like, I can do that. No, I

25:03

see. I've seen

25:05

with your pride. Instead

25:07

I can't do that. Is this is

25:11

too hard. Then I've

25:13

seen some other times like I

25:15

can at least do that. Well,

25:19

I want always

25:21

be in my bedroom with

25:24

a brush or whatever. Drink

25:28

to me and stand up. I

25:31

know exactly how I'm going to do it

25:34

at all. And then my

25:36

friend of mine gave me the song that

25:39

his hit so hard. I

25:42

had to do it in the song.

25:45

There's no gospel song. A

25:47

little bit by Danny Bell.

25:50

Let me have a dream without

25:53

being a dream. And

25:56

then just hit I'm like, oh man, I was

25:59

just. Well,

26:01

let me have that dream without being a

26:03

dream. I got to do something about

26:06

the, when I'm going, I

26:08

decided to go, I looked through the

26:10

help one of the hands and

26:13

I seen how many nights at

26:15

comedy factor out over

26:18

mites and that was it. And

26:21

once you hit that stage, all now you fell.

26:23

Well, once I had the stage, that was it.

26:26

It was like, I can't

26:28

do anything else. I

26:30

don't know any comedian who doesn't

26:32

have that story. I

26:34

feel like all of us are like that

26:37

first laugh. The first time you're on stage,

26:39

that first time, all those eyeballs on you

26:42

waiting for you to say something and then you say

26:44

something and then they laugh. And you're like, I've

26:47

never felt anything that feels better.

26:49

I've never felt more at home

26:51

and I've never felt happier

26:53

than when I'm on stage. That's

26:56

the only thing that I ever could have

26:58

got a negative. Cause

27:02

it was like a high that's

27:04

never left. Mm hmm. Yeah.

27:07

I remember that me and my best

27:10

friends this year and our other friend

27:12

Keisha, we would like, it

27:14

was improv, but we would do our improv shows

27:16

and then we would be on such a high

27:18

after them that we would just have to walk

27:20

around the gristides that was above the theater and

27:23

just like walk around the frozen food section.

27:25

Cause like we were sweaty from performing and

27:27

still on a high and we'd be like

27:29

laughing about all this stuff we said. Yeah.

27:32

It's like, it's magic doing it. It's magic

27:34

after it's magic leading up to it. I

27:37

yeah, I love performing. I've never loved

27:39

something more than it. That's the

27:41

whole thing. And like,

27:44

I'm still at

27:47

the lower when I first went

27:49

on, I stayed in bold. Even

27:52

when I got all I bought,

27:55

we're going, I don't

27:57

know about you. When being a black.

28:00

performing and

28:02

starting out in a white room, right?

28:06

Made me lose a

28:08

little bit of, you know, I'm from

28:10

where I'm from. It was

28:13

the first time rock and roll, and they were

28:15

playing rock and roll at

28:17

the comedy club from Springsteen,

28:20

Sidney Lauper,

28:23

you know, hip to B Square, and where

28:27

you always in, I never knew all those

28:29

guys. I knew nobody on earth from fire

28:31

and all that. So

28:33

I'm hip to B, I'm singing roll on

28:35

in the USA. So my

28:38

whole vibe is changing. I

28:44

wanted comedy, I had my mausoleum

28:46

on, my gazelle

28:48

glasses, you know, but

28:51

when I came back, from

28:53

comedy was changing to me

28:56

all around. So when I went

28:58

to the hood with my boys, I'm like,

29:00

hey, how you guys doing? And

29:03

they're like, what are you, posse? What

29:05

the fuck? But

29:07

I seen the change, I'm like, oh.

29:10

And then, you know,

29:12

could your language change for me? My

29:15

language changed, you know,

29:19

and, you know, I

29:21

had to find a way to do

29:23

black rooms again, yes,

29:25

to keep it up, you know, and

29:28

that was the biggest struggle with

29:30

black and white crowds for me, you

29:34

know, my door, and

29:36

my being real for each crowd,

29:39

and my changing things for each crowd. So

29:43

that was my

29:46

biggest struggle, coming through time.

29:49

That's an interesting duality to be like, how

29:51

can I be relatable and

29:53

entertaining for white people, but then keep what makes

29:55

me the black person? person

30:00

I am, I grew up around

30:03

a lot of white people. So I

30:05

sound the way I sound. It

30:08

is what it is. And

30:11

I feel like when I started, because

30:13

I started an improv, I

30:16

didn't really understand some of the

30:18

references that white people were making,

30:20

because it's like there is

30:22

a, it is a different culture. And it's like I grew

30:24

up around it, but like my family was still black. So

30:28

then sometimes I wouldn't get my references. And then when

30:30

I started doing stand up, it was like, okay,

30:33

so she sounds that way, but also she

30:35

does have references that are black. This is

30:37

just confusing. And

30:40

she just talks about sex. This

30:42

is weird, but people have come

30:44

around and I think, I'm

30:48

just me. So I think people are like, oh, okay, I

30:50

do like her. Has people come

30:52

around? I have you

30:54

come around to accept me

30:56

itself. I think I did

30:59

come around and I became

31:01

more authentic to

31:05

who I was and I wasn't trying to

31:07

do anything. Like I remember back, back, back

31:09

in the day, I opened

31:11

with a joke that I borrowed from

31:14

Monique. Hers was, you ever

31:17

let a guy go down on you with a

31:19

strawberry in you? And I

31:21

changed it to, have you ever let a

31:23

man go down on you and you have

31:25

a snicker inside you? I

31:28

can't remember how the joke actually went, but like that

31:30

was the premise of it. But then I would talk

31:32

more about how you would have like peanuts and nougat

31:34

in your pussy. And

31:37

then the

31:39

more, and I still think the joke is funny,

31:41

but I acknowledged that I borrowed from Monique because

31:43

I was just starting out and I was like,

31:45

I don't really actually know how to write a

31:47

joke. But as I

31:50

kept doing it, I learned the way

31:52

I wanted to write jokes and the way

31:54

that I wanted to present things. So I

31:56

think you're right. I think I like came

31:58

into my own and was like, no. I'm

32:00

me and I want to present me as

32:03

opposed to what I think you might want to see. And

32:06

then there are times where I do shows where like a

32:08

joke doesn't hit and I'll literally ask an audience, be like,

32:10

why didn't you like that? I thought that was

32:12

really funny in my car. Why didn't you like it? Was it

32:14

because of this? Was it because of that? Why

32:17

didn't you like it? And sometimes that really does help me

32:20

fix a joke. Because as opposed to

32:22

being like, no, that was funny. I'll tell it again

32:24

and again and again. It's like, no, let me tinker

32:26

with it. Let me figure it out. I've

32:30

been helped by the audience, by

32:32

comments who hate me

32:34

or whatever. Mm-hmm. I've been

32:37

helped because I don't let anybody say

32:39

something. I'll do

32:42

my investigation myself and

32:44

see if there's something behind that. Like,

32:47

hmm, they said I

32:49

was going too fast. And

32:51

that's something to know. So

32:54

I always check myself to

32:56

get better. Yes. And

33:00

I think that's nice. That's one of the

33:02

things I like about comedy because

33:05

there is no limit. You can always get

33:07

better. Your joke can always get sharper. Your

33:10

tags, you can have more tags. You can

33:12

have a better button. It's

33:15

always improving. And that's why I kind of,

33:17

like, not to bring up cancel culture, but

33:19

I don't like when people talk about it

33:22

or they're like, oh, you can't joke about anything

33:24

anymore. And I'm like, but you can. You

33:26

just have to be smarter than the first thing

33:29

you thought of. If there's something you

33:31

really want to joke about, figure

33:33

it out until you can get the audience

33:35

on your side. Yes. Okay, we

33:37

have to take one more

33:39

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33:41

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visitlosvagus.com. Do

34:18

you have advice? We're gonna hop back

34:21

to dating, since it's

34:23

a dating podcast. Do

34:25

you have advice for single people? Yes,

34:28

for men and women.

34:32

Like for men, always,

34:35

always, when you're

34:37

dating a lady, you

34:40

actually have every woman, every

34:42

man, should have a song. A

34:45

song? Yeah. If I'm

34:48

dating you, my main

34:50

purpose is this. It's

34:53

a song. I want

34:55

a song. Every time you hear

34:58

that song, you think of me. So

35:01

make sure that I'm song you

35:03

real good. Wait,

35:05

is this like

35:07

a popular song, an old song? What kind

35:10

of songs are you picking? Whatever the song,

35:12

it should

35:14

be something. When you hear

35:16

that song, you're

35:18

singing Keith Robinson. OK.

35:21

But I'm gonna make sure I play that song

35:23

real now. That song,

35:26

guys. Gotcha. So

35:29

when you're sending it home, and

35:31

that song pops out, you're like,

35:34

boom. That reminds me of

35:36

Keith. I've only had one

35:38

song with one person. What?

35:40

Yeah, I've only had one song with one person.

35:42

And it was easy. Easy

35:46

like Sunday morning. Oh, sweet

35:48

God. Oh.

35:54

And the reason why that's the song that we

35:56

had is because it was Sunday

35:58

morning, and I sang it to the. And he

36:01

was like, what song is this? And

36:04

I was like, it's Lionel

36:06

Richie. Easy like Sunday. And I kept singing it.

36:08

And he was like, there's no way that's what

36:10

that song sounds like. So then we played it

36:12

and he was like, you

36:15

were so far off the, he was like, the lyrics were

36:17

right. The rhythm was not there. None of it was there.

36:19

And I was like, okay, but like, isn't

36:22

it funny that it's Sunday morning and I'm singing it? So

36:26

then I made that his ringtone. And

36:28

then every time I heard it on the radio, I thought

36:30

of him. I still think of him when I hear it. There you

36:33

go. Then you

36:35

gotta get more, more guys than you

36:37

saw. I gotta get more guys,

36:39

get more songs. Yes,

36:41

have a pack of songs. But

36:44

don't sing like that again. Ha

36:46

ha ha ha ha ha. Cause

36:49

I'm easy. Easy

36:51

like Sunday. Jesus Christ. Ha

36:53

ha ha ha. I almost

36:55

closed my computer like, oh

36:58

man. Ha ha ha ha ha ha

37:00

ha. You're like, I

37:02

gotta go. I gotta get out of here. That

37:04

was so awful. Oh

37:07

my God. What is

37:09

your favorite song? Or like, what

37:11

is the most romantic song

37:14

you can think of? Oh, I had a

37:17

song right in my hand. When

37:21

it was such a beautiful song. Oh,

37:26

you guys here, you know, you're

37:28

young. So I know you never

37:30

seen a movie called Clawing. It's

37:33

a song by Curtis

37:36

Mayfield. But the

37:39

last thing I sing is

37:41

called The Making of You. And

37:45

that song hits all over.

37:49

Couldn't ingest. And

37:53

man, it's perfect for

37:55

a man or a woman. I'm

38:00

looking to a job. You

38:02

know, I'm making them here. And

38:04

I look at you in the eyes. You

38:06

know what I mean? And say,

38:10

well, I'm making

38:14

them. Hey, yeah. And

38:16

I, you know, that would get you.

38:18

I would song you over this

38:20

computer. My

38:24

top three sexy songs are

38:26

Climax by Usher, Unchained

38:28

Melody by the Righteous Brothers, and

38:31

Simply the Best by Tina Turner. Because

38:33

I like when people say I'm the

38:36

best and better than all the rest.

38:38

And it's- See,

38:40

I know your problem. What?

38:43

It ain't better songs. Those

38:45

aren't good songs? Not

38:49

for man and woman. Contact.

38:53

You gotta get better man

38:55

and woman songs

38:58

that explicitly says,

39:03

you belong to me.

39:06

I belong to you. But

39:08

Climax, we're going to

39:10

be coming to

39:12

the Climax. You

39:15

know what I'm trying to figure

39:18

out? What? That

39:22

you should not be singing. Listen,

39:28

I'm a bad singer. I'm very bad at

39:30

singing. I look like I should be able

39:32

to sing. I wish I could sing. It

39:34

just, it simply didn't, I love singing, but

39:37

it's not good for me. Yeah, it's so

39:39

wild. But you ain't- Now,

39:41

whenever I gave you the word, you're

39:44

making a music. That's it. Oh,

39:46

man. And

39:49

when you find next man,

39:53

make sure you understand

39:56

the songs. Okay.

39:59

You gotta sing. I told him to tell

40:01

you this, you always got

40:04

a hair. When

40:06

you hear the noise in the basement, don't

40:10

do not go down in

40:13

the nesting hang. Get

40:15

out. If

40:18

a man can show you something

40:21

and you hear all that noise, don't

40:23

go down to the map. Who's there? Hello?

40:28

Hello? Get

40:31

out. Honestly, I think that's actually very

40:33

good advice. Just

40:36

get out right now. It's

40:38

the end of you and I.

40:40

Oh, sweet. Oh. Why

40:43

do you... You

40:45

know the problem is, this

40:48

song, it

40:52

starts out great, you

40:54

know? And it becomes a

40:57

Broadway play. Mm-hmm. Na

40:59

na na na na, get it off,

41:01

go on. Whoa, man. I'm

41:05

just having a nice time. Keith, we've

41:07

come to the end. Is there anything

41:09

that you want to promote? Oh, wait.

41:11

I asked all my guests this and

41:13

I almost forgot. Would you date me?

41:16

Absolutely. Yes! Absolutely.

41:22

Thank you, Keith. Okay, now, do you

41:24

have anything that you want to promote?

41:27

Yes. My

41:31

penis size. You're...

41:34

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

41:36

ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

41:38

Okay. How big

41:40

is it? Ha ha ha

41:42

ha ha. Ha ha ha

41:44

ha. I want to promote

41:47

my Netflix specials, different

41:50

shows, streaming

41:53

now. And then, are

41:55

you touring? Do you have social media? Do you

41:57

have... Oh. Oh,

42:00

man. Instagram, keep

42:02

browsing, 438. And

42:06

then are you touring at all right now or no? Are

42:08

you at the cellar? I'm doing

42:11

work with me and Wanda. I'm

42:14

going out with Wanda right now. So

42:18

touring around Wanda's sites, fabulous

42:21

Wanda's sites. So go to Wanda's website to figure

42:23

out those dates. Are you with her on all

42:25

of the dates? This

42:27

is the last three dates. And

42:30

then I'll be around in New York for a

42:32

while. When

42:35

I've been on tour with her for

42:37

a long time. And

42:44

another thing, I'm now dating

42:46

the fabulous Nicole Byers. Oh

42:51

my God, you heard it here

42:53

first. It's official. He's

42:56

gonna take me to Red Lobster, y'all. Yeah.

43:01

Oh, I got something better, baby. Olive

43:04

Garden. Olive Garden, oh my

43:06

God, when you're here, you're family. And I

43:09

can't wait to get those breadsticks. Keefe,

43:14

thank you so much for being

43:16

here. This was delightful. If

43:19

you liked this episode of Why Won't

43:21

You Date Me, you can like it,

43:23

you can rate it, you can subscribe.

43:25

You can give me five stars on

43:27

Apple Podcasts. And if you write me

43:29

something nasty to hit on me to

43:31

whywontyoudatemepodcast@gmail.com, I will read it. This person

43:33

said, hi, Nicole. I'm a 32-year-old single

43:35

gay man, and I absolutely adore you.

43:37

While my admiration may not be romantic

43:39

in nature, my love for you is

43:41

everlasting. Here's my friend date idea. I

43:43

want you to dress up in matching over-the-top

43:46

outfits that turn every head as we walk

43:48

by. Let's go to Target, thrift stores, a

43:50

shop where they only sell doors. The world

43:52

is our door. Let's

43:54

skipity-do-dah right through it. I promise to

43:56

laugh at everything you say and do,

43:59

which won't be for. Besides, I think

44:01

you're hilarious. Then we could finish the date

44:03

with us hitting up an awesome bar of

44:06

your choice, where I'll be the best wingman

44:08

you had ever seen. Our collective confidence will

44:10

surely snag us some studs. Anywho, best of

44:12

luck on your journey to love, bye bye.

44:15

You know, usually people hit on me, but

44:18

that's nice. That's nice that this person wants

44:20

to take me shopping and help me find

44:22

love. Okay, bye bye. Also,

44:25

it wasn't nasty. It could have been nasty.

44:27

I want nasty. I want to hear about

44:30

cum, bye. Ha ha ha ha

44:32

ha. Ha ha ha ha ha. Why

44:38

Won't You Date Me? With Nicole Byer is

44:40

produced by me, Mars. It's

44:42

executive produced by Adam Sachs, Nick Liao,

44:45

and Jeff Ross at Team Coco. With

44:48

talent bookings by Paula Davis, Gina

44:50

Bautista, and Maddie Ogden. Got

44:53

a question, crazy dating story, or a

44:55

dirty message for Nicole? Write

44:57

it to whywontyoudatemepodcasts@gmail.com for a chance to

44:59

have it featured on a future show.

45:02

Thanks for listening. We'll see you next

45:04

week with a brand new episode. Dee

45:06

doo boo boo bop, bye bye. This

45:11

has been a Team Coco

45:13

production. Thanks

45:19

for coming with me to Meyer. Absolutely. Ooh,

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