0:02

hello and welcome back to Widowed AF.

0:04

You're here with me, just me today,

0:06

Rosie Gill-Moss. I'm

0:08

your grief sherpa, to steal

0:10

a term stolen from one of my guests,

0:14

and I'm your, your kind of companion

0:16

through this, this journey, this I

0:18

don't know. This feels sometimes like we're in a computer game,

0:21

doesn't it? Just keeps lobbing. I

0:23

don't know. What do they throw little toadstools? Anyway,

0:25

I'm already going off on a tangent. Let's

0:28

uh, let's get back to business. So

0:30

I wanted to just check in with you guys because,

0:32

um, we haven't been recording the chatties,

0:34

um, primarily time,

0:36

um, we're trying to launch another podcast where we have

0:38

launched another podcast. So

0:41

as many of you with children will be aware, this is

0:43

probably, um, the most challenging,

0:45

I'm going to use a polite word, term of the school year.

0:48

And it can feel like you're just,

0:50

um, I don't know, like a baby. A

0:53

PA to some

0:56

tyrannical dictator with all the demands coming

0:58

through from schools and there's obviously

1:00

kind of like a lot of pressure coming up because

1:02

for many of us, and it does depend on your circumstances,

1:05

the summer holidays can be either looming

1:07

or kind of tantalizingly close, but I

1:09

think a lot of that is to do with how

1:11

old your kids are. Because, um, Entertaining

1:14

the kids for the summer holidays can be quite tough.

1:16

It costs a lot of money and it is really,

1:18

really time and

1:20

admin heavy and if you guys

1:22

are just trying to keep afloat, um, I

1:25

feel for you. I really do and my

1:27

inbox is always open. Okay, um,

1:30

I'm, I'm Kind

1:32

of apprehensive about it as well because, um,

1:35

for the first time I'm really noticing the difference in my kids ages.

1:37

So they span from 14 to 6. And

1:39

of course it's quite difficult to find things that they want to do.

1:42

But, anyway, I digress.

1:45

So, one of the main reasons I wanted to come on mic

1:47

and talk to you is, uh, you'll probably

1:50

all be aware of the death of Michael Mosley. Um,

1:53

a horrible and a tragic loss

1:56

for his family and, um, I think

1:58

probably for the greater world. I've, um, I was

2:00

a, uh, devotee of the five

2:02

two many years ago and I intermittent

2:04

fast now, but only by default because I forget to

2:07

eat. But anyway, now

2:09

the story is in itself, it's

2:12

really sad. Um, it's really horrible

2:14

that his wife became a widow. Um,

2:16

but she became a widow in a, in a particularly

2:19

horrific way. Um, Most

2:22

of us will have done or

2:25

anticipate that we will lose somebody in

2:27

our lives. Um, somebody will have that

2:29

big, significant loss. It might, you

2:31

might not have expected it to be your, your love,

2:33

your, your spouse, your partner quite so

2:36

early on. But grief

2:38

and death are things that we as humans,

2:40

we have to accept they happen. Um,

2:44

knowing that somebody is missing. That's

2:47

something that some of my guests have experienced.

2:49

I, for those who know my story well, will know

2:51

that I have. And it's, it's um,

2:55

I don't know, I guess it's like an extra layer of torture.

2:58

Because you, to go for minutes,

3:00

days, weeks, months, years, six

3:03

and a half years in my case, without actually knowing

3:05

what happened to your person, it

3:07

does feel a little bit like being tortured. I

3:11

think I'd managed to quite carefully compartmentalize

3:14

that aspect of Ben's death. I have

3:16

never questioned whether he was dead. Um,

3:19

you know, the English Channel, a March,

3:22

freezing cold night. Um,

3:25

you don't survive that. But when

3:27

somebody's gone out walking, or

3:30

in the case of a guest that I interviewed on Friday, an

3:32

episode that I'm actually going to push out at quite early because

3:34

of the similarities, her husband had gone kayaking.

3:38

There's a little bit of hope because they're not out

3:40

in a large body of choppy water, and

3:43

I think particularly for Dr. Mosley's family

3:45

to have the, the world's media

3:48

scrutinizing the situation and,

3:50

and questioning what had happened

3:52

and why and questioning

3:54

his reasons. And I

3:58

I did feel for her, you know, and

4:00

I added to that media circus because

4:02

the Sun asked if I would speak to them and I did

4:05

and I didn't anticipate it being

4:07

quite such a large piece. But as we spoke,

4:09

um, a lot

4:11

of it was about Ben and I think

4:13

actually we tell their stories,

4:16

don't we? That's what we do. That's how we keep their

4:18

legacy going. But it

4:20

was quite difficult to be thrust back into that.

4:23

That part of my grief that I really do

4:25

work very hard in therapy to avoid. Ben's

4:29

been missing now for, what, six and a half years,

4:31

give or take. Um, I

4:35

don't know if he'll ever be found. And

4:37

that's a really hard thing to, to

4:39

acknowledge because I think up until,

4:42

I don't know, maybe three,

4:44

four years in, I, I thought perhaps he

4:46

might be found, um, we

4:48

might get that horrible word, but closure.

4:51

And it doesn't look like we're going to. But,

4:55

who knows. I did make a decision that I was going

4:57

to speak to the police, actually, and find

4:59

out what the process is, if they were to find him,

5:01

because I don't actually know. And

5:04

I thought that's, I should know.

5:06

I should know, because avoiding it isn't going to make

5:08

it go away. I've

5:10

tried. I've tried that with everything.

5:13

I Am also gonna do a little bit of press on

5:15

this later in the week So I'll let you guys

5:17

know what what it what happens and and

5:19

and who it's with Yeah,

5:21

it's a funny one because you feel a little bit like

5:24

a grief vulture I don't want to be piggybacking

5:26

on somebody else's grief to further

5:29

essentially my own Because

5:32

this is my job now. Um,

5:34

and I, I hope that's not how it came across.

5:36

I, funny enough,

5:38

I'm overthinking it, but it's something

5:40

that you have to really think quite carefully

5:43

about because I don't want to cause anybody any pain.

5:45

I really don't. Um, God knows that that

5:47

poor woman and her family will be going through enough pain

5:50

right now. Anyway,

5:53

back to other, maybe

5:56

less. Depressing subjects.

5:58

Do we do those on here? Sometimes, don't we? Um,

6:02

the family are well. Um, everybody is

6:04

well. We are, as I said, hurtling towards

6:06

the summer holidays. We've got two children moving

6:08

up to secondary. Um, which is

6:10

quite a big gulp. moment, I think,

6:12

in any parent's life. It's

6:14

a real, yeah, real end of an era.

6:16

You think, you know, you know everybody on the class chat

6:18

and then suddenly they go up to secondary and you've

6:21

not got a clue who they're hanging out with. And it's,

6:23

it feels, I suppose it feels like a bit of

6:25

a loss of control. And I guess there's

6:27

also, it's another big moment,

6:29

isn't it? It's not a big moment without their, their

6:32

mum in Holly's case and dad in Hector's

6:34

case. But

6:36

also I'm so immensely proud of

6:39

them, of all of them actually, because they've

6:41

all come, well nearly, one of them

6:43

finishes next Wednesday, which I think is unacceptable, which

6:45

will be this Wednesday probably when this goes out. Um,

6:49

but they've all got through another school year, they've all got great

6:51

results, they've been good human beings,

6:53

and We've all sort of bumbled

6:56

along pretty well, for the most part. For the

6:58

most part. There's four kids in this house. Now,

7:01

what else have I got to tell you that's interesting? We went to see Taylor

7:03

Swift. Bet you didn't think you'd see that

7:06

happen with Jonathan Gill-Moss. But we did.

7:08

It was absolutely amazing. I mean, it was

7:10

everything you'd expect it to be. And,

7:12

um, I have just about got my hearing

7:14

back after being completely deafened by

7:16

Teenage Girls. I forgot to take my ear loops. But

7:19

it was, um, Yeah, it was sensational.

7:21

It was spectacular. And I'm so grateful to a

7:23

friend of mine that managed to get tickets for us. So thank you, Sarah,

7:26

if you're listening, because I did not have the

7:28

patience to persevere and get them. So I would have missed

7:30

out. But yeah, it was, it

7:32

was just felt like being so cliche,

7:34

but it felt like being part of something. It was this great

7:37

kind of beast that was bigger than any

7:39

of us. And I guess

7:41

that it's, it's that feeling of community, isn't

7:43

it? It's that feeling of being together and everybody is

7:45

singing the same song and Waving

7:48

their arms in the air and wearing sequins

7:51

and it was just as the sun set over Wembley Stadium

7:53

you could just see this sea of sequins. It

7:55

really was quite magical. Talking

7:58

of magical, uh, Widstock tickets.

8:01

We do still have some available for sale. They

8:03

are selling quite quickly now. We had a slow start

8:05

and then we've suddenly seen a bit of an uptake. So, if

8:08

you're thinking of coming, I would suggest that you get

8:10

your tickets. Um, you won't get them immediately.

8:12

So, because they are going. Because

8:15

I decided that instead of sending you e tickets, I

8:17

was going to have designed and made these

8:19

really beautiful tickets. I think I've got one. No,

8:22

I haven't got one behind me. Um, and.

8:24

So that you'd have a keepsake. Um,

8:26

I know, right. So you'll, you'll,

8:29

you buy your ticket and it will get posted out to

8:31

you. Um, unfortunately the postage cost is

8:33

just the postage cost. I know I'm sorry.

8:37

I gotta at least break even on this guys. Um,

8:39

so I really hope you're coming. The ticket prices

8:42

are priced at 20 for an adult or 10

8:44

for a child. And you do get a free

8:46

BBQ item and a drink with that. Soft

8:48

drink I hasten to add because

8:50

that would be a logistical nightmare to

8:52

facilitate otherwise. Um,

8:55

we've got stuff like we've got, um, like DBS

8:57

cleared eyes on the ground so you guys can relax a

8:59

little bit. Um, lots

9:01

of music, lots of food, lots of drinks,

9:03

lots of glitter. Um, Some people

9:05

are coming with their kids, some people are coming without their kids. I

9:07

will leave that entirely up to your discretion.

9:10

Mine will be there, but probably not till 11

9:12

if I'm honest. I

9:17

had a little solo trip actually.

9:19

I went away to Amsterdam. Um,

9:21

I was going out there to, I was actually going

9:24

out there to do a psychedelic retreat.

9:26

Which is something I've always wanted to do. And

9:28

I've been, I just dropped that in, didn't I?

9:30

There was no, I didn't buy you dinner or anything first,

9:33

I went straight in with that one. Um, I,

9:36

Yes, I've been coming off my Sertraline with

9:38

a view to doing this, um,

9:40

experience and I

9:43

don't think I was in the right place. Um,

9:45

I managed to get myself to Amsterdam. So I got

9:48

to the retreat and I just couldn't go ahead with it.

9:50

Um, even staying there, it just, it just, you

9:52

know, those spidey senses that we talk about where you

9:54

just feel like something is off. And

9:57

actually, as soon as I got quite upset and said

9:59

I'm going to leave, um, Their

10:02

attitude to me really changed and they were really kind

10:04

of harsh and a bit mean if I'm honest.

10:07

And I ended up in the middle of the Netherlands

10:09

because it was about an hour outside of Amsterdam.

10:12

Um, what the bloody

10:14

hell have I done? Like what, what,

10:16

what is the matter with me? Why do I just lurch

10:19

from weird scenario to weird

10:21

scenario and why do these things

10:23

always happen to me? I'm the common denominator

10:26

and to quote Taylor Swift, I'm the problem, it's me.

10:29

But I got, with the help of my

10:32

husband, I got myself to, um, a hotel

10:34

in Amsterdam. Um, and

10:36

I went out and I walked

10:38

about and I went, you

10:40

know, I had a coffee. And

10:44

I decompressed a bit and

10:46

the next day I was unsure whether I was going to come

10:48

home that day. I could get a flight home, but

10:51

I had a flight booked for the following day anyway. And

10:53

actually in the end I decided that I was going to stay.

10:56

Um, and I did something that I haven't done for

10:58

a very long time. And I went abroad,

11:00

I travelled on my own. And

11:03

it was really quite liberating. Um,

11:05

I didn't do a huge amount. I, I booched about.

11:07

Went round the, the, the Thrift shops. I'm a

11:09

bit of a sucker for a secondhand shop. So

11:12

I, and I didn't have anybody, anybody

11:14

else to think about. So I could, you know, rummage

11:16

through the musty old clothes at my own leisure.

11:19

Um, I went on a boat trip. Did you know

11:22

that the houses in Amsterdam are called dancing houses

11:24

because of the subsidence? I did not know

11:26

that, but there you go. Um, and

11:28

I also didn't know, Oh God, I'm such a nerd, but that

11:31

they've got hooks on the outside of their houses because they,

11:33

when they move house to Dutch, they don't tend to

11:35

use the front door in Amsterdam because

11:37

The windows are bigger, so they lift

11:39

up. I, this is not a podcast about Amsterdam.

11:43

But the, the moral of my story

11:46

is that I tried to do a really, really,

11:49

really hard thing. And don't snigger

11:51

at that, please. And it didn't work

11:53

out. And I

11:56

felt quite ashamed. I felt quite

11:59

infantilized. I felt quite embarrassed and stupid

12:02

and all the, all these negative words

12:04

that I was putting onto myself. Uh,

12:07

and then I think by staying for that extra night,

12:09

I'm, I almost reframed it as my first

12:11

solo trip. And I, I

12:13

would have, you know, the company would have been nice, but actually

12:16

I think being in your own company is quite hard

12:18

and especially if like me, you have run from your

12:21

own company for your whole life. Then.

12:24

Spending time with yourself can be challenging. So

12:27

even just managing to do that, I think,

12:29

I'm going to take it as a win, you know. Um,

12:33

I did have one interesting altercation, well it wasn't

12:35

an altercation, that's too much. But an incident

12:37

at the airport where I, um, I arrived

12:39

at Amsterdam airport and they were closing off the doors. So,

12:41

uh, I think it was a, like a, um,

12:43

congestion flow thing, but I

12:45

felt quite trapped and I was quite deregulated.

12:47

And I sought a member of staff and I said, look, I'm, I

12:50

don't like to use this, but I'm autistic.

12:52

Is there any way I can, um, get through

12:54

these gates? And she sort

12:56

of looked me up and down and

12:58

went, well, you better not be making

13:00

it up just to jump the queue. So

13:03

I said, would you like me to do an autism

13:06

for you? Or is my word not enough?

13:09

And they then said, you know, wear the lanyard. Which I wasn't

13:12

wearing the lanyard because most of the time I don't need

13:14

to. And I feel like, um,

13:16

it felt unnecessary. But I will, in the future, I will travel

13:18

with it. But, um, yeah, there's always

13:20

a little anecdote, isn't there, to any

13:22

adventure. Anyway,

13:25

I am going to let go because quite frankly I'm

13:27

absolutely boiling. I've had

13:29

to shut the door to the studio because there's some

13:31

building work going on next door. And, um,

13:34

it's about, um, I'm going to hazard a guess at

13:36

90 degrees in here. You could roast

13:38

a rotisserie chicken probably if you wished.

13:41

That's how I feel. Anyway,

13:44

on that delightful note, I

13:46

will let you go and from my broken

13:49

hearts to your broken hearts, I

13:51

wish you much love and peace. Bye

13:53

bye.