Episode Transcript
Transcripts are displayed as originally observed. Some content, including advertisements may have changed.
Use Ctrl + F to search
0:00
The replay need to be
0:02
published. Leading
0:07
we many. To
0:09
choose do you may have. Now
0:12
made it weird when they meet whole.
0:15
What's Happening? Weirdos! I am so
0:17
very glad you're here! This.
0:19
Is Gareth Reynolds? He's so funny.
0:22
And we have. The. Absolute
0:24
best time together. Ever
0:27
recorded. We'll. Have so
0:29
much and we actually made a shirt
0:31
from this episode. You can see it
0:34
on Pete Holmes Outcome: You'll know inherit.
0:36
I'm pretty sure we say we have
0:38
to make that a shirt and we
0:40
laughed about it probably seventy five times.
0:43
So if you want that shirt. Go
0:46
To P Dogs That com. We haven't done
0:48
a shirt and really long time. The Gareth
0:50
is just that funny. We had to do
0:52
it. I haven't left this hard in a
0:55
long time and I'm so glad you're here
0:57
to share! Go To Gareth Reynolds! Dot Com
0:59
you can watch but two of his
1:01
specials at least one is called Go
1:03
Refs which is him just doing crowd
1:06
work and one is called England Weed
1:08
and the rest at Gareth Reynolds that
1:10
com or you can go type Gareth
1:13
Reynolds and to you tube. He also
1:15
some tour dates coming up looks like
1:17
he's going to be in Australia. well
1:19
Melbourne more perk, wrong accent that he's
1:22
going to be in Tennessee Nashville, Huntsville,
1:24
Alabama he's all over Atlanta, Georgia. Go
1:26
to Go To Gareth Reynolds That com.
1:28
And see this man! Life is
1:30
so funny! such a delight! And
1:32
check out his podcasts as well.
1:34
He does here to help with
1:36
Jake our buddy Jake Johnson and
1:38
he also does the dollop. He's
1:41
wonderful. He's here! I'm so glad
1:43
you guys are as well! Ladies
1:45
and gentlemen, Gareth Reynolds. Get.
1:48
Into it. Here. We go. Have
1:52
you noticed? Can
1:56
you believe. Seven.
1:58
hundred plus i was Is this
2:01
the first? Yes. This is the first time
2:03
I've been wearing... Is
2:05
this a uniform? So
2:08
you're the first person to open the attachment. Yeah!
2:10
What to wear at the X-Men.
2:12
Yeah! That's crazy! No one opened it. No one
2:14
opened it. Oh yeah! I respect your shit. You're
2:16
just really different though. Well you're not a very
2:19
tall, so like look... Put your arm out. And
2:22
just hold me. No, but like see it go see.
2:24
Yeah, yeah. That's an experience I've
2:26
never had as a human. That's very
2:28
strange. You know what I mean? If I
2:31
were to be here, would I be... I would say
2:33
that would bother me. Of course it would. But imagine
2:35
if you've just been doing it for 45 years. You
2:37
haven't been. You've been this your whole life? Yeah, I
2:39
was born. When I was born they were just like,
2:42
and the baby keeps coming. She's nuts. And
2:44
I was like a real... He's
2:47
got bits too. He's got a scent list.
2:50
I came out feet first for the bit. Whee!
2:55
Oh man. Yeah, that would be... You're too
2:57
tall. TT. But it's worked well
2:59
for you. TT the Bears. You grew up
3:01
in... Well you went to college in Boston,
3:03
so you know TT the Bears. Stop doing
3:05
this. Alright. Emerson? Aw,
3:08
Pete! I understand you were born
3:10
in Wisconsin and you haven't been... Stop it! ...
3:13
to be a jetpacker statue. He's good. Hey, you didn't... How's
3:16
your mom, Pam? I understand. What the fuck?
3:19
He's off book! Pandemic, you... No,
3:21
don't bring up pandemics. Don't do it.
3:23
You're good. You are good. What
3:26
is the thing that if someone brings up you
3:28
know they're a true fan? That's a real question.
3:30
If someone comes up... Oh boy. Who
3:33
cares they know about how can we help? Is that
3:35
what you and Jake's pod is called? No, but that's
3:37
a tell that they're not a huge fan. That
3:40
is the giveaway that they're not a huge fan. Oh,
3:42
okay. What is it called? You were on it. We're
3:44
here to help. Yes. Romduff has
3:46
a book called How Can I Help? And you
3:48
mentioned Romduff here. I'm doing the Romduff pod. He's
3:50
been insulting. I'm blaming
3:52
Romduff. He'll be insulting. The ultimate
3:55
excuse. I... Let
3:59
me tell you the weirdest thing. thing that at
4:01
a show, an American
4:04
show of stand-ups,
4:07
I think I was
4:09
featuring, because I was one of those ones where
4:11
I was just very used to being anonymous, and
4:14
someone came up to me and
4:17
goes, did
4:19
you ever host a kid's fire safety video?
4:22
And I was like, what? And they're like, we're teachers.
4:25
And every year, and I was
4:27
like, yes. I was like, the
4:29
greatest game challenge. And I hosted
4:31
like a, in Boston,
4:34
you know, I would get like certain weird gigs
4:37
through Cast big
5:13
And every year At
5:17
school and you were a real celebrity so
5:19
to them They were like and getting recognized
5:21
for that was like I've Aside
5:24
from the Emmy I had never been recognized for
5:26
that can I do you have an Emmy? No?
5:29
Can I am manifesting? Oh
5:31
that's what we do on you're here to haha help You're
5:34
here to haunt you're here to haunt, but you're
5:36
here to haunt. You don't get out of the
5:38
fire properly Yeah, if you don't get
5:40
if you're very good. How can we hunt
5:42
is your spin-off? It's great your Halloween episode
5:46
How can we hunt we're here to hunt I can't remember
5:48
here to hunt that's okay. We're here to hunt yep I
5:50
did it and then we do a clown one. We're here
5:53
to honk We're
5:56
here to hump is the porn one
5:58
the porn one or just you
6:00
guys. We really could have quite a universe. A
6:03
spider verse? Were you here to Holmes? Were here
6:05
to Holmes was my episode. Yeah. Holmes Sweet Holmes.
6:07
Yeah. Very British name. Yeah it is. I just
6:09
listened to your album. Oh let
6:11
me say right up. Go ahead. Ah
6:14
ah ah ah. Beautiful. Yes. Love
6:17
the... Fabric. Yes. Good choice. Thank
6:19
you. Thank you Jeffrey.
6:21
Oh yeah. Got a
6:23
Robin Williams in there. He can't Robin. Oh
6:26
yes. Oh. Beautiful fabric. Fabric
6:28
of a space. If I were on fabric. Revitalize
6:31
me. I'm an old chair. No wait. I'm fine.
6:34
Uphold Street. Uphold Street. Silent
6:37
H. I
6:41
did After Midnight yesterday. Oh congrats. And this
6:43
is the outfit. Okay. The kind of guy
6:45
that'll just wear an outfit all week. I
6:47
get it. And
6:49
this... I like this outfit. I like it too.
6:52
A lot. Enough to own it. I haven't been
6:54
off. I'm
6:56
friends you're Joey. Yeah right. Yeah. Why
6:59
can't you be friends? I don't love it but it is
7:01
true. Yeah.
7:04
No. Your episodes. Well
7:06
I like that better. Because Lord.
7:08
I mean let's be honest. Joey. You
7:11
know. Very few people
7:13
are like yeah his character on Friends. No
7:15
there was another show. What is it like...
7:18
Wait it was his character from Friends wasn't
7:20
it? Yeah. What is that like? That's like
7:22
something. Cause a hit show is like a
7:24
magical date. Yes. It like something works. Or
7:27
like in... Like a... You
7:29
know you meet in Cuba. Yeah. And you
7:31
have red wine. And you're dancing with a
7:33
stranger. And then you have sex in a
7:35
lighthouse. Yeah. And you're just like what the
7:37
fuck. And a spin off is
7:39
that guy. The spin off is like... Antonio comes
7:41
back. Yeah right. And he's like let's go back
7:43
to the lighthouse. It's very bright in here isn't
7:45
it? Boy. How
7:47
old are you again? My
7:50
crotch has been itching since the last time
7:52
you were here Antonio. That's when it all
7:54
becomes so obvious what he's trying to do.
7:56
Yeah. Maybe we go back to the red
7:59
wine place. Confidence to try to
8:01
return to the well again. That's it. That's
8:03
it, too. Yeah, there are all these things
8:05
Biologically and also just like televisionally. Yeah
8:08
better at play Yeah culture and and
8:10
like when you just try to like
8:12
ring the bell again, no one
8:14
likes it. No, it's I'm trying
8:16
to I guess Fraser really is
8:20
The I couldn't be a bigger Fraser fan and they
8:22
rebooted it and I was like hmm never
8:24
never saw a moment No
8:26
me either. Why would you if they but
8:28
they were like look we did it
8:31
We can reboot for the confidence to go
8:33
again Makes sense because they
8:36
were Antonio showed up and had another
8:38
lighthouse dalliance Wait, help me
8:40
out you know, they did here's to Fraser,
8:42
but that's not a way it is what
8:44
that's another Antonio lighthouse Yeah, yes. Yeah, they'd
8:46
fucked you Yeah, they had a different outfit
8:48
and maybe you know, maybe it was by
8:51
the beach instead of the lighthouse But as
8:53
soon as you're like, I don't know about
8:55
this. They're like, how about John Mahoney? I
9:01
kick nanny and then they slowly turned the
9:03
volume down on her psychic man. Yes in
9:05
care for that. That is a fun realize
9:08
that that was a thing See
9:11
the name. She's not taking a kite kick. Yeah
9:15
Kicking a psychic sidekick. Yeah, that's probably
9:17
why they had a sidekick stop it.
9:19
I kick you said I'd kick a
9:21
side I do a lot
9:23
of Frasier stuff. Do you know Frasier and stand
9:25
up? I do a lot of fire safety and
9:28
a lot of Frasier I Was also
9:30
gonna say so at after midnight. Yeah,
9:32
me and Gillian Jacobs both wore this outfit
9:35
So there's a lady version of that and
9:37
they made me change and they gave me like a
9:40
version of this But it was almost like army fatigues
9:42
and I really felt like that for you. I didn't
9:44
like it either I felt like I was traveling back
9:46
in time to warn Sarah Connor that a robot I
9:48
was after like, what year? 12th
9:53
so Thursday wait that so you
9:55
wore this on the show and
9:57
no they they change I changed
10:00
You had this was sort of burning a
10:02
hole in your outfit pocket. Honestly, you know what
10:04
it was ironed. It wasn't
10:06
ironed Interesting it was on a hook with
10:08
like 30 coats little glimpse
10:10
into my wow a lot of go-to
10:12
on there Just it looks like I
10:15
don't know what it looks like. It looks like a mysterious You
10:19
and then yeah, it's like a meat locker, but
10:21
all the meats on one and those are your
10:23
clothes. I Like
10:25
that for you class it's like a meat locker, but all
10:27
the meats on one But uh, you know what in the
10:29
further I get into it. It's not like a meat locker
10:31
to be quite honest. It's a Pete locker We
10:34
got it Emdemics
10:37
save where where we go? Oh, so they made
10:39
a mouth. So this outfit is hot. Where were
10:41
we going though? We were somewhere. Well, I don't
10:43
know other than we oh, I
10:46
was gonna say uh-huh. Who cares
10:48
Okay, the the famous so weird
10:50
so to you to those guys
10:53
That fire safety video. Mm-hmm was a
10:55
legit thrill. I'm yeah, I think with
10:58
moments like that Where it's famous to
11:00
a very small. Yeah, people. Yes, urban
11:02
outfitters. Uh-huh. Have it square Oh,
11:05
you've been there. Yeah sack of shit.
11:07
Oh, geez. Oh wait, you're
11:09
Boston Pete. Yeah. Sorry. What is the cows?
11:11
Yeah, yeah. Yeah, you go to town knows.
11:13
Yeah, I don't have the we that are
11:16
looking very yeah The issue
11:18
of we magazine we had hardcore
11:20
pornography at out of town news
11:23
They had a hardcore pornography. It's out of
11:25
town. So Those
11:27
are you're like, wow, I'm really you
11:29
don't look familiar. Yeah, I Remember
11:32
a guy flipping through a hardcore porn mag
11:34
at out of town news and they would
11:37
remember in porno mags This is gross, but I
11:39
remember sometimes. Yeah, I don't even know the question
11:43
Whatever it is, but go ahead I do I have a
11:45
lot of porno man. Oh, yeah Oh,
11:48
yeah, but they'd bleep it like
11:50
it would be a hardcore magazine But there'd
11:53
be some splaying and they'd be like a
11:55
black Dauber the over the
11:57
regime like this is too much
12:00
Like it was bleeped. Does that put in a hole
12:02
over a hole seems sort of it just
12:05
looks like she was eternally cosmic
12:07
Yeah, right. Yeah, whoa. I'm more
12:09
intrigued Well, is that
12:11
God's gonna make me Milky Way? Sorry
12:19
Did you grow up in the great tradition of someone
12:21
having a bag of porno mags in the woods I
12:24
definitely remember the leave behinds in the woods. Oh, that's
12:26
what they're called. Yep. I Camerons
12:28
why didn't have a stack. Yeah the old cameras. Yeah,
12:31
I didn't have a there's a sweet stack of cameras Using
12:34
hardcore fundamental Christian terminology
12:36
to explain woodland pornography
12:39
There's a Kirk Cameron in the woods. It'll make you Actually
12:43
Kirk Cameron First
12:49
he is risen and then the second time
12:51
this must have worked on after midnight. This
12:53
would have worked Okay, good. That would matter
12:57
Still pitch if we were
12:59
in England, they'd love this don't they love their
13:01
word or shit. Oh, yeah, they love it They're
13:03
like leafy green. She keeps pitching at you. Oh
13:06
right when you think he's doing it comes from
13:08
all Yeah,
13:10
good on you good on your Pete. That's
13:13
a good one Pete God,
13:15
I fucking lodged in me His
13:17
sleeves won't touch his fucking wrists. You
13:20
know that those here I Think
13:23
I'm gonna have a term
13:25
for that. Yeah long and
13:27
airy. He's raggled long
13:29
and airy sounds like Richard scary. Yeah Anything
13:34
I think I meant Richard gory Which
13:37
Richard scary Richard gory so you'd say mystery
13:39
of the TV show that open with drawings
13:42
from Richard gory, right? He's got mystery
13:44
arms. Yeah, right. Yeah. Yeah, yeah lanky
13:47
poles Where
13:49
are we? I think Burbank. I'm
13:51
not sure No,
13:53
you were about I was gonna say at Urban
13:55
Outfitters. There's a photo of the guy you what
13:58
well I did I did grow up near woods and
14:00
there was always porn in the woods. That's where
14:02
we were. The porn stack people, I remember
14:06
probably from my early adolescence and being
14:09
like, it was the version of like
14:11
when a grown man ate ice cream, you were like,
14:13
I'm going to eat ice cream when I'm old. That's
14:15
all I'm going to eat. When I was like a
14:17
stack of porn. Why aren't they? Yes. I
14:19
was like, that will be how I live. I will
14:21
live among playboys and porn. I thought I
14:24
would have like a room. Wall
14:27
to wall. Yeah. I
14:30
was like, even if my wants change, I
14:32
will hold on to this want because it's
14:34
important. Out of respect for me. Out of
14:36
respect for me. Free past you. Yes. No,
14:39
that's very similar. When you're a kid, you're like, I
14:41
used to be like, why don't old people wear Metallica
14:43
t-shirts? I was like, when I'm 90, I'm going to
14:45
wear a Metallica t-shirt. Yeah. Now I feel like you
14:47
might see that. I feel like we're the generation that
14:49
when we're really fuck old, we will
14:51
be like flaming lips. Yeah,
14:54
probably. That actually kind of makes me sad.
14:56
Put on a sweater. Yeah. I
15:00
mean, I'm not a good, I really in my
15:02
day to day dress, it's bad. But we're wearing
15:04
the same outfit. I know, but it's like I'm
15:06
at a thing. Oh, this is
15:08
a thing. This is a thing. So I'm
15:11
excited to be here and I'm respectful. Yeah.
15:13
Of the thing. And I'm aware that some of this will end
15:15
up on Instagram. If I can take
15:18
the outfit roasting out of the equation, then we
15:20
can just get to like, he's working a few
15:22
episodes. I had a few episodes where my belly
15:24
was showing and that was. But
15:26
you're in pretty good shape. PGS? Yeah,
15:29
you are. I rated PGS.
15:31
You like the backwards Gary Busey.
15:34
BGB? Yeah. Yeah.
15:39
What does that mean on the backwards Gary Busey? You
15:41
know, he does those, you ever seen him do
15:44
his acronyms where he'll be like, oh yeah, he'll
15:46
go the other way. Yeah. Where
15:48
he'll be like, he goes backwards. Yeah. No,
15:50
he calls out the acronym and then he says it.
15:53
You'd be like, you're like at a matchbook candy store
15:56
and NBC's ass. You know, he
15:58
does that and sometimes they're off. You're
16:00
like, whatever, he's close, though. That's like
16:02
an eight-lettered acronym. Yeah, there's a certain,
16:04
people aren't gonna pay attention past that
16:07
third letter. I like singing since you've
16:09
been gone in acronyms, which is SYBG.
16:11
That's pretty good. ICB, FTFT. Like KC?
16:14
Hmm? Hmm? Hmm? Yeah.
16:17
So the stack of porno mag was
16:19
a dream. And, oh, the
16:21
fact that we're not wearing flaming lips
16:23
t-shirts and the roasting in my belly.
16:25
Yeah. And we're back. Yeah. I
16:27
didn't mind. I mean, I'm not a comment reader.
16:29
Are you a comment reader? No, less and less.
16:32
But you see some. Some sneak
16:34
through. I've had a few that have been,
16:36
you know. Harrowing? Yeah.
16:38
That have really taken a toll. And you get
16:41
better at that as you go on. But there
16:43
have been a couple where I'm like, I've also
16:45
had people on Twitter, like,
16:48
because Twitter comments are normally
16:50
more about what you said
16:52
versus, you know,
16:54
a clip or something. Ear appearance. Yeah,
16:56
so. But I've had some people take
16:59
a screenshot of a bad comment and
17:02
gone, why did this guy say that?
17:04
And I'm like, why did you pass
17:06
that information along? I just did a
17:08
corporate show and it was rough.
17:10
Yeah, of course. That didn't need to be said.
17:13
Yeah. But you know, you know how
17:15
you gauge the bar and you're like, I stayed true.
17:17
Yes. And I got laughed. Yep. And
17:20
I did my job. Trusted the process. I didn't
17:22
turn on them. Right. I was dirty
17:24
though. It was interesting that the show was like, you can be
17:26
dirty because they're all fucking, everybody's heard me talk about the show
17:28
a million. It was what it was.
17:31
They were drinking all day. Yeah, right. Show was
17:33
at 1030. Terrible. They
17:35
were drinking all day. Terrible. And they're like
17:38
very rich men. Yep. And I go
17:40
out, it was the kind of show where they're like,
17:42
Lara Bites opened and she said that she was sober
17:44
and someone screamed quitter. It was that kind of show.
17:46
So I go up, I'm in total fight flight. That
17:49
is a really ridiculous thing. I
17:51
know, quitter! I was like,
17:53
yikes. Funny. I get it
17:55
on like a t-shirt. Yeah. We can choose
17:57
to not read it. Yeah. person
18:00
in recovery that she's a quitter. She didn't
18:02
do the, she didn't follow through. Okay. Exactly.
18:05
So after the show, I already told the
18:07
story, but I was being dirty and I
18:09
was being, I'm going to be in this
18:11
guy's defense who walked out, a guy walked
18:13
out. Sure. And was kind of like, spoiler.
18:15
He didn't say shame on you, but he
18:17
essentially was like shame on you. Yeah. Basically.
18:19
Yeah. I'm quitting. I'm
18:22
out of here. I'm a quitter. He
18:24
was black. He seemed blackout drunk
18:26
and he was like, shame on you.
18:28
And he left. In his defense,
18:30
I was being very dirty.
18:32
Not, not super dirty, but for me, dirt.
18:34
Finding the, yeah. I was, you
18:36
know what it was is like people were like kind
18:38
of heckling. Yeah. Right. Like, why would you say that?
18:41
You think someone's going to come over and suck your
18:43
dick or just leave me alone. I'm just trying to
18:45
do my job. Like, kind of like, pretty bad. Well,
18:48
yeah, but you're going to the level
18:50
where you will win, which is smart.
18:52
Exactly. Honestly,
18:55
like I would love to be cool and
18:57
be like, I get it, man. This isn't
18:59
an ideal situation, but I talked a lot
19:01
afterwards when you're in fight flight. Oh, yeah.
19:03
It's 100% reactive mind. Yeah.
19:06
So someone, what it was was I took a
19:08
sip of water and someone goes, how's that water?
19:10
Wow. That is a crazy, crazy thing. I
19:13
said, do you know how much courage it takes to come up here
19:15
and try and entertain you guys? What do you think is going to
19:17
happen? Someone's going to come over and suck your dick because you yelled
19:19
at, so then this guy walks out. That's okay.
19:22
I didn't like that he made a show of it. Yeah,
19:24
right. Never great. The next day, the guy
19:26
who booked me, he's like, hey, thanks so much.
19:29
It was great. He was so sweet. He
19:31
was like, everyone enjoyed it except this guy.
19:33
And he sent me a screen grab of
19:36
the email that that guy who walked out
19:38
sent him. And I, Garrett,
19:41
immediately I close it because I don't want
19:43
to read that. Yep. But then I go,
19:45
what if this is real? Yeah. What if
19:47
in the email it says, I'll be waiting
19:49
for him in the lobby? That's
19:52
where my mind goes. I'm like, what
19:54
if there's burden in this might be
19:56
battle plans? Yeah. Okay. So I Read
19:58
it and of course there wasn't. The
20:00
thing I needed the now and they're put their
20:02
with a whole lotta like. I.
20:04
Remember like this idiot made fun a god
20:06
you know why is I would have been
20:08
I was like. Is anyone here rich
20:10
and miserable? because they're already do They were
20:12
inclined to the top of the ladder and
20:14
go oh no. Jesus was right yeah I
20:16
got it. was of by or you could
20:18
say yes of course he. He didn't like
20:20
that he thought I was making fun of
20:23
God when really you are my making fun
20:25
of them as well I appear. yeah I
20:27
have boys. how long were you up there?
20:29
I. Tried to be like I do forty five because I
20:32
brought him opener and they were like you need to do
20:34
an hour and then they were like. Jim. Breuer
20:36
did about thirty than he told stories. Whitney
20:38
Cummings bailed on her said like be kept
20:40
telling me everyone who bailed with adjusted groundwork
20:42
and I was like but you won't let
20:44
me just do forty five like wouldn't that
20:47
be better? Yeah no due to the our
20:49
says is an hour was a very long
20:51
our yeah well you do. You do those
20:53
types of thing not a lot no I've
20:55
never seen out by. I mean I would
20:57
love to do them yeah as I hear
20:59
that shatters pretty sweet but not funny that
21:01
as I'm sitting on this I am like
21:03
thank you Ricky thank you for having well
21:05
it. Is that? But I think I've done
21:08
like I've my writing partner and I who
21:10
was also my sketch partner Evan Man or
21:12
back in the day we got booked to
21:14
do and I don't even know how the
21:16
hell this happened. But we got booked to
21:19
do a show in the Bahamas for this
21:21
company called Paychecks which is like a huge
21:23
paycheck com Pacino Guess you know the as
21:25
as you get through the world York by
21:27
others so the Harris is a magnates. Wow
21:30
Who knew that there is like a paycheck.
21:32
You. Know guess but I'm good. I reject and
21:34
say the guy that lives in my that lived
21:36
in my house before we bought it. He.
21:39
Was in the can set a business
21:42
lab and I said ray and said
21:44
any time you see confetti in a
21:46
movie, that's me in a movie. So
21:48
there's Paycheck moguls. There's confetti mogul. Double
21:50
confetti mogul Beats. A
21:55
said you do to did it allude to
21:57
do.is not a joke sorry to me. Weep.
22:00
That at my wedding. My. God.
22:04
Ah so Paycheck moguls I game a
22:06
little obsessed with. I am a little
22:08
obsessed with the idea of the confetti
22:10
mans I know obviously well I'm saying
22:12
it without saying is like a famous
22:14
comedian is living in the i'm not
22:16
saying I'm know like and Jo Koy.
22:19
Have. Died on a
22:21
way through show and of yeah I do the Irvine
22:23
Improv in there like joke what was his here he
22:26
so that twenty eight so line and I'm like I
22:28
struggled to sell was like I told the guy yeah
22:30
fuck make i well I I so we'd so we
22:32
go there we do this show and they like they
22:34
want us there for like three days and they want
22:36
us like. It. Is very
22:39
much a corporate events So we were
22:41
having fun of the Bahamas we were.
22:43
It's what's called the sandals yeah it's
22:45
like a sandals but it's like oh
22:47
thongs songs that is a brilliant and
22:49
we're advise british sandals where he has
22:51
a lot moles and ah add so
22:53
we were there like doing some some
22:55
stuff all week but then it came
22:57
time for the shell response has the
22:59
company talent show now we like our
23:01
hours and people yes know you were
23:03
and so and and I seek it
23:05
was like that the people were going
23:07
to do stand up. So was like a
23:09
company said of show, so we were like, "I
23:11
had not done stand up at this point, I
23:13
was pilates mid to late twenties and. We.
23:15
Were like. We. Just needed certain beds
23:18
and we had some sketch bits that would
23:20
work of these but it was for thousand
23:22
people and when we got there you know
23:24
it was a real fucking events. And.
23:27
The woman was like we we were gonna
23:29
book the be fifty twos and then we
23:31
went with you and we were both like
23:33
What? Like that
23:35
is a couple whose. Why? Would
23:38
those the two finalists? Through and
23:40
we were both like the be as he just
23:42
as the show is approaching we we're dreading it.
23:44
Oh we knew it was gonna suck. We were
23:46
working on our bits that day. And.
23:49
and we were both going this is did it
23:51
is it was great to have another person in
23:53
it where are you can say is it worth
23:55
having the other breezes gotta be rather it's a
23:57
good how to be bet it's better because we
23:59
were like I'll hold you yeah
24:01
this nightmare right and it was
24:03
a nightmare yeah, and and
24:06
so they told us they had to be funny B-52s
24:08
all right well yeah I
24:10
mean you know I mean I was like
24:12
that's good first of all I was like they're definitely this
24:14
was a budgetary decision Without
24:16
question Oh taking you over the
24:19
two yes absolutely us over the yeah, yeah
24:22
And and so and so we start we
24:24
had the opening joke we had was something
24:26
we'd done on stage before where he
24:30
just slapped me a ridiculous amount of time in
24:32
the face in the face and It's
24:36
one of those ones that starts off a little funny
24:39
And then by probably the eighth slap is
24:41
kind of not funny, but by slap 15
24:43
is funny Yeah, and I would kind of
24:45
call it like I would go enough, but
24:48
it was like so we were like that's a winner so
24:51
we we decided we'd do a couple
24:53
little company jokes and then
24:55
we'd get into the slap one and And
24:57
by slap eight it wasn't funny, but
24:59
normally it was funny by slap 13
25:03
It was not funny as expected, but then
25:05
by like slap 18. It wasn't getting funny
25:08
It was like getting worse every slap
25:11
and so my face is starting to hurt But
25:13
I'm also like at some point this has to
25:15
start like part of the pun hitting like some
25:17
point some people will cave And be like there
25:19
is comedy in here Even if
25:21
they're like it's horrifying, but it's also wow this
25:24
guy is break It's like the this guy's like
25:26
David Blaine face like how is he doing it?
25:29
He's got blade face, and I mean
25:31
I'm not kidding. We probably went to like
25:33
slap 25 before I was like this We're
25:35
not winning here, and I called it I
25:37
was like enough and but wait
25:39
did you have a safe word like no joke
25:42
do you have like a real well? I the
25:44
point the thing was that at some point during
25:46
the slapping I go on I stopped it So
25:49
I it was in my control to at some
25:51
point be like enough He's just gonna keep teeing
25:53
off on me until I call it
25:56
and there's sweet There Was like we
25:58
would slow him down a little. So
26:00
it he will really saw on it. And.
26:03
I mean I when I hit is one of your
26:05
try to talk or something or you like While I
26:07
just think these find people that. Deserve
26:09
a really good so what? I what are you? I
26:11
think it was that I don't remember but I think
26:13
it was just that I think I told them to
26:15
slap me in the face. I
26:17
think that was what it. While I was
26:20
like slap me and affect me to get
26:22
I'm not saying we were for Mr. Cheryl
26:24
I as I I think this is hilarious.
26:26
So we get the like twenty five that
26:28
twenty five love and and nobody. It's somehow
26:31
the silence is the only thing getting louder.
26:33
And. And so it is bad and
26:35
we stop or whatever and then you know,
26:37
bring up the first person to do stand
26:40
up and we were offstage. We're like holy
26:42
shit and we knew we had. Five
26:44
has a on the seven segments. yeah
26:47
of this I get out some this.
26:49
I've hosted A Word shows where they're
26:51
like indices stand up every three people
26:53
and yeah, you just don't understand. Still
26:55
said it's it was what as you
26:57
if you're doing six sets. Xix.
27:00
Bit yeah yeah, but like going up. Oh
27:02
yes, yes. So when I did that I
27:04
was a you need six openers. Yeah.
27:06
Like rabbits. The weirdest thing to like
27:08
were Geo at the beginning. Complete bullet
27:10
and they're laughing. So Zola, you can
27:12
come back and it's like up It's
27:15
a wonderful boy asks know how to
27:17
hurt us is not a savvy enough
27:19
crowd. Environments so you
27:21
can go up and be like. Someone
27:24
yells out of my is a. High
27:28
services as I said little are after
27:30
that. Shows like one of the weird
27:32
things about comedy as if you get
27:34
good at at you're rewarded by doing
27:36
it places it doesn't belong. That.
27:38
Is set say poignant point be there's enough
27:40
where it really is true there are. You
27:42
know I think that a lot of times
27:44
when you see like you know I mean
27:46
have gone on the road and I'm like
27:48
open for people who are doing like stadiums
27:50
and you're like this is tough. And.
27:53
a medium it's specials when you see him
27:55
go and madison square and well it's different
27:57
is entirely the either know fit that they
27:59
idea of like You know like when you
28:01
go to a sound loaded. I wouldn't know I just
28:03
mean I haven't done a status piece. I
28:05
quit Yeah,
28:08
no, I you know like I love you like
28:11
low ceilings you like the think about it Oh,
28:13
yeah, exactly in line with what I'm saying is
28:15
like you're the bet one of the best standups
28:17
in the world now I do it weird. Oh,
28:20
sorry. I'm sorry. I misunderstood how that I do
28:22
love you Don't
28:26
do this no But
28:30
doing it let's do it in an airplane
28:32
hangar. Yeah, I Think
28:34
about I started watching that Steve Martin documentary and like,
28:37
you know, he gets so huge He's doing the Hollywood
28:39
Bowl and I'm stuff and I'm like, no
28:41
wonder you fucking hated it. Yeah, no
28:43
wonder you hated it Yeah, what a
28:46
perfect venue. Yeah, I I
28:48
think that it really is like you You
28:50
know, that's why there are those clubs you go to
28:53
those clubs and you're like, yeah, this is like everyone
28:55
agrees This is a top five club in the country
28:57
lunch line Comedy works. Yeah,
28:59
I can Madison. Yeah, just what
29:01
are all three of those are
29:04
if they existed in nature They'd be cave. Yes.
29:06
Yeah, and then they're like, what if we did
29:08
it in a field? Yeah, why
29:10
because the one ring has you?
29:12
Yeah, it's a Sauron grabbed you
29:14
and yeah Subtitles
29:18
on you could sell out
29:20
the bowl don't slap. Yeah
29:23
Yeah, yeah, like yeah, I Feel
29:26
very passionately about this. I understand making
29:29
money money plays and maybe you just want the
29:31
most amount of people to be able to see
29:33
you Someone
29:36
what's that I have those shoes. I'm really
29:38
yeah Should we hold should
29:40
we do a stop and you can go doing? Oh,
29:42
I mean is that I know you
29:44
man Well, you could be very identical. I'm wearing
29:46
my sleeping sleepy bags. Good Lord. Well, thank
29:49
you for doing this Look at my big
29:51
jump. I discovered this was my fetish. I
29:54
Love an ankle rub. Yeah. Yeah, these are funny you
29:56
they're not they don't have great ankle support. So don't
29:59
go on a hike in them Well, you know, yeah,
30:01
I would I don't need to hear that disclaimer. I
30:03
wouldn't um, I'm not trying to be rude slap me
30:06
But that's that is why to your point like when
30:08
a man walks out in an environment
30:10
that is not teed up for it
30:12
Then yeah, it's obvious But the email
30:15
is again a thing where I think
30:17
people think that because you do this sort of
30:19
stuff you maybe are Made of
30:22
stone and to some extent you really can take
30:24
a lot of shit Yeah, but there are still
30:26
the ones that sneak through the comments We talked
30:28
about it. I'm we're here to help this guy.
30:30
I did a
30:32
joke years ago and this
30:34
guy commented that I was like a
30:36
fat Aaron Paul and It
30:40
it was so right That
30:42
it hurts so much and then
30:44
I mentioned it. I'm we're here to help and
30:47
now that's almost Rebirthed
30:49
to a point where I've like had to
30:51
purge myself of any emotion when it comes
30:53
to it because Now people
30:55
at my shows will show up with shirts that
30:57
say fat Aaron Paul and I'm like, okay, we're
30:59
back and And it's just
31:01
like yeah It's like a flippin man said
31:03
and I rent I this
31:05
was back in the day when I would read
31:08
comments Yeah, and I saw it and
31:10
I just I was like ah Yeah
31:14
Fat Aaron Paul though Little an
31:16
Aaron Paul what that's still an Aaron Paul in
31:18
the family. Aaron Paul. Yeah, it's like a clumps
31:20
I'm like the one where you're like, hey, he's
31:22
not the best-looking brother There's Aaron, but hey, he's
31:24
at the table Yeah,
31:29
but isn't it a gift I mean lesbian
31:31
Val Kilmer is my go Is
31:34
my go-to even at that
31:37
corporate show where I'm you know Struggling,
31:39
uh-huh, and I said I
31:42
look like lesbian Val Kilmer winner they go
31:44
not I got another one so fat Aaron
31:46
Paul is a gift. All right ready for
31:48
this one. I'm from Milwaukee Yeah, yeah weird-looking
31:51
Jeffrey Dahmer Weird-looking
31:53
Jeffrey Dahmer as opposed to the dreamy
31:55
Jeffrey as opposed to yeah the regular
31:57
Dahmer who is fucking insane was eating
32:00
I guess I don't know enough about
32:02
Jeffrey Dahmer. I don't I would have
32:04
said Ed Norton I've gotten like bargain
32:07
at Norton before like what was it
32:09
bargain bin at Norton? Yeah, like a
32:11
discounted Ed Norton. There's like there's always
32:13
in the microwave. Yeah, I don't need
32:16
that Melty Ed Norton. Yeah, I Don't
32:20
need you to be adding your own spice Melty
32:22
Ed Norton men Rose Ed Norton. Yeah Unfuckable
32:25
Ed Norton Unsuccessful
32:29
Ed Norton. Yeah, these
32:31
are gifts. You know you tell that story in your
32:34
album. What is it? Alarm
32:36
ago of a lime a guaff. Yeah, I'm
32:38
a guaff. Yeah, I'm a guaff that
32:40
really wrote your nickname How old are you
32:42
at that time? It started when
32:45
I was probably like 13 or 14 I
32:48
was one of the first times I got high and And
32:51
yeah, it was like a don't tap on the glass. We
32:54
were stoned. We were in front of a little store smoking
32:57
weed and I was laughing hysterically
32:59
and I kind of tapped this closed
33:01
store window and This
33:03
one guy goes don't Gareth you llama
33:05
guaff and I go don't call me
33:08
a lime a guaff and everyone's just laughing And I
33:10
really for years thought I just
33:12
had amazing timing. I was like I just
33:14
timed how I said I'm just funny. You
33:17
know Yeah,
33:19
yeah, that's I should go to parties when I
33:22
go to England and like You
33:24
know my friends would be like llama guaff and I'd
33:26
be like I went back, baby But still I was
33:28
like man I nailed that joke and
33:30
then it was like but I always was like in the
33:32
back of my mind I was like I just I
33:35
really added nothing to I just said don't call
33:37
me the thing he called me Yeah, and then
33:39
at the party this one guy was like oh
33:42
Llama guaff and I was like and he was there
33:44
that night so I go why did
33:46
that stick do you think yeah? And he was like
33:48
cuz you hit the window and Richard said don't Gareth
33:50
the alarm will go off And you
33:52
said don't call me a llama guaff and I
33:54
went that's an interesting bit of insight into this
33:57
moment Isn't it that makes a
33:59
lot more sense? So right. My
34:02
Magwop's not a term. Okay.
34:06
Okay. Okay. That is
34:08
interesting. Everyone who listens
34:10
to the show knows, I'm going to say, at that
34:12
same age, they called me Pet F. No,
34:15
no, they called me Biter Chef. They tried
34:17
to shave the word Pete in the back of
34:19
my head. Sure. And she, I've
34:22
told this before, but Jasmine, Justine,
34:24
my hairdresser. Also my mom's
34:27
hairdresser. Wow. I was like,
34:29
can you write Pete in the back of my head because
34:31
like vanilla ice and all this stuff. And she's like, I'm
34:33
done. I'm done. I nailed it.
34:35
Like she had never done anything like that before in her
34:37
life. Then she turns me around
34:39
and I'm like, I think you forgot the second
34:41
E. Like she just wrote, Pet. That's
34:46
amazing. It centered. It was
34:49
perfect. If I said right,
34:51
pet. Oh boy. Pet is the
34:53
word. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. No, it's not.
34:55
Yeah, they made me do this in an
34:57
orgy. No, you would end up on like
34:59
a right wing Facebook. Like, see? This
35:02
is why you can't do drag time story
35:04
time. Look at him. Look at
35:06
pet. This is the
35:08
guy we have entertaining our children. Pet. Pet
35:13
Holmes. Pet Holmes. So I
35:15
asked her to squeeze in the second E, obviously.
35:18
We had a real moment of parry. Which is what you go with. She
35:20
just hung with the off-center. She did a little carrot with the
35:22
E. Oh, I'll draw it. I'm excited.
35:26
Yeah, that is. This is my head. We have
35:28
to have the... Boy, if ever there's a time
35:30
to really... That's like when a surgeon's like, the right
35:32
arm, right? Like, just do the last... Yes!
35:36
Let's be extra safe. Wow,
35:39
it really is. So this is pet. That's
35:42
what she revealed. I was like, we did it. And
35:45
then I was like, that's not it. Oh, don't worry. Don't worry. And I swear
35:47
to God this is what she did. Oh
35:54
my God! So she didn't...
35:56
She couldn't get the definition to have
35:58
the bottom. Look like it had pet
36:01
our. And you know
36:03
what? As I'm saying this I'm realizing how
36:05
right they were to com a bad ass.
36:07
I mean I literally had a label, I
36:10
really taken over it, I shaved my head,
36:12
says yeah. But also let's be honest, the
36:14
Jasmine was a jasmine to seem to stay
36:16
in. I it really is. and look it's
36:18
pressure. That's a pressure moment. This is a
36:21
very specific requests but there's you get one.
36:23
Take it. This is like this is the
36:25
big explosion onset. That is right, let's just
36:27
rights. Yeah, that's me. Sorrow? Yeah, let's double.
36:30
Check and see, sort of. You.
36:32
Know. I knew it. Yeah, it's not
36:34
too late to bring it back. I'd say do
36:36
it Yeah I peed in the bag my be
36:38
fun. Read the know our
36:40
eyes has never been hotter yes but they
36:42
also call me biter chefs everybody knows as
36:44
because when we learned the shaft of the
36:47
piano yeah and then they call me butter
36:49
chef. So anyway up lima glass thank you
36:51
know as a manager asking the right so
36:53
I'm about as continue. Live.
36:55
Of us here said Aaron Paul the
36:58
book lima gloves here. And
37:03
we're so excited us of our our
37:05
you have I have the line of
37:07
Love where you to go Where you
37:09
go Books that era Paul live a
37:11
glove Join me. Out
37:14
a successful fab. Reserve that Aaron Paul line
37:16
of last five years of worse app is
37:18
also.sap I know I can we are You
37:20
felt I could see that to back to
37:23
that porn and the would you know pete
37:25
lead this is the only so long ago
37:27
awful do and there's a reason. I
37:31
respect as. I also
37:33
not that I cite your album is
37:35
incredible. It's all a England. We'd England
37:37
weed and the rest England weed in
37:39
the rest. Yeah. Thank. You and
37:41
I said there's a lot, but well. To.
37:43
Be fair, a lot of times I'll put on
37:46
some of these stuff. To. To
37:48
get a taste the up. And I
37:50
was no thing as I write. and I
37:52
loved Alex. I'm at every moment you're really
37:54
really talented of P Smiley and the mom.
37:57
well thank a great at the crowd
37:59
it's yeah There's a change up. Yeah, not
38:01
easy to do with the crowding. No,
38:03
it's no that means a lot truly
38:05
and I won't I won't You know, I'm
38:07
not gonna throw us into a 69 while you're biting
38:10
the shaft But it means a
38:12
lot because truly you are just tell me when
38:14
your lima going off That's
38:22
good too because I have
38:25
loved your work for so Murray
38:30
I Really
38:33
appreciate it but to stay on
38:35
you better that's better. It's better.
38:37
It's better I
38:42
Don't want to go beat by beat but there
38:44
are some topics that you cover in the record
38:46
that are worth circling back also Available
38:49
on YouTube. Oh, is it a visual?
38:51
Yeah. Oh, I didn't know yeah. Oh wonderful. Yeah, so you
38:53
can go in Wish
38:55
I had The
38:57
the you shared bath water. Yeah,
38:59
really? Yeah, what are they doing?
39:01
Is this like to was
39:04
England? So it's not depression era like what
39:06
in my tell the people okay, so so
39:08
essentially, you know, I the lead-in
39:10
is something along the lines of You
39:13
know when you grow up thinking something's normal and
39:16
then you get older and you go boy That
39:18
is not like a universal thing that is specific
39:21
to my family There was as I
39:23
kind of opened it up when I went on tour
39:25
to ask people about things There was this guy revealed
39:27
that his family invented a
39:29
birthday chicken, which he thought was
39:32
normal When
39:35
you said birthday chicken on the record, I
39:38
just started dying laughing Absurd
39:41
especially when a comedian who does crowd
39:43
work is telling you a story about
39:45
previous crowd work You just know it's
39:47
gonna be fantastic and this guy was
39:49
raised to believe that he got gifts
39:51
from his friends and family and one
39:53
gift What do you say from
39:56
a magical foul? Yeah from some mythical magical
39:58
foul called the birthday chicken And so, and
40:01
his family like, and so yes, to your point,
40:03
there was a show where I'm like, does anyone
40:05
have anything like that? And this guy, as I
40:07
say on the, it's true, he just goes, I
40:10
got one birthday chicken. And everyone was like, what?
40:13
What does that mean? And he was like, when he was a kid, he had
40:16
a birthday chicken. And so he grew up, his whole,
40:18
even when he knew it was fake, like
40:20
when his parents were like, there's no Santa and all this
40:23
stuff, there's no birthday chicken. They still
40:25
did a birthday chicken gift. Like you get a stocking
40:27
on Chris, you know what I mean? Like it continued.
40:29
He was like, he was like, you keep doing the
40:31
birthday chicken thing. We all, the cat's out of the
40:33
bag. It's not real, but we still do the thing
40:36
we're all doing. And he goes to college and
40:38
one of his roommates, he gives his roommate a
40:40
gift regular, and then he gives him one from
40:43
the birthday chicken. And then he
40:45
explains that it's from the birthday chicken and everyone's like, what
40:47
are you talking about? And he's like the birthday, and that
40:49
was when he had that moment. No one told him.
40:51
No one told him. He made it all the way there.
40:55
So we're going to get to your tub
40:57
one, but as I'm listening to this, one
40:59
of the joyful things just about your act
41:01
in general is like these
41:04
topics you want to participate. Like
41:06
it made me realize when I was in college,
41:08
I went from high school to college. So
41:11
I'm 18 years old and I'm
41:13
packing for college. And
41:15
my grandma had made me
41:18
a pillow the size of a couch
41:20
cushion, like an enormous pillow covered
41:23
in white fur with
41:26
a tail, two
41:28
little button eyes and a
41:30
bow, like a Hello Kitty bow. It
41:32
was a white cat. We called it the cat pillow, like
41:35
the birthday chicken. And that's
41:37
fine. It was a great pillow when you
41:39
were reading in bed, you'd leave on the
41:41
cat pillow. But I'm
41:43
packing for college. Look
41:46
I look back and go, why did they let me get married when I
41:48
was 22? Why didn't they pull me
41:50
aside? But more so, why didn't someone say
41:52
don't take the cat pillow to college? Because
41:54
I unpacked it and it was
41:56
on my bed in college. That's
41:59
my birthday chicken. My roommate is still... Oh,
42:01
it's a crazy decision. It's an insane...
42:05
It's also colleges where you
42:07
go to maybe reinvent, where
42:10
you get another crack, you can shake the
42:12
etch-a-sketch, you're new. What's funny that you say
42:14
that. You're pet-ass. Whatever you wanna be, you
42:16
can be. What's really funny
42:18
is I remember, I
42:20
swear to you, I remember the
42:23
moment where I decided to
42:25
pack the cat pillow. So you did...
42:27
And it was a message
42:30
to my mother, like, I'm not gonna
42:33
change too much. I'm
42:35
Peter Pan. I will
42:37
always have the
42:39
cat pillow. I'm the same guy. And
42:42
then you get to college. And then, yeah.
42:44
It might be why you got married at 22. There
42:46
is a physical ripple effect. I think that
42:49
was the same style of decision. Yeah, right,
42:51
right. It was like, I'm still a good,
42:53
sweet boy, I got a cat pillow. Aw,
42:56
please. My pillow made an appearance at my
42:58
honeymoon. Oh, wow, that's a value. Do
43:01
it on the cat pillow. Favor
43:03
the eyes, yeah. Oh,
43:08
man. Moving the tail to the side.
43:10
That is so endearingly adorable. Yes, so
43:12
yours was. So mine was that, at
43:15
one point, I realized when I got older that
43:18
it was really strange that when I would go
43:20
to England, so my parents are both English immigrants
43:22
and I spent a lot of time in England.
43:25
All my extended family's there and I would always go
43:27
there for the holidays. So it would
43:29
be like Christmas vacation. It was
43:31
like the whole family came in. Go ahead, Pete,
43:34
over there, Pat up. Yeah,
43:37
I don't wanna interrupt, but we're not gonna forget
43:39
the story. Okay. We're not. Okay. I
43:42
want you, it's
43:44
weird that we left from
43:46
England, came here,
43:48
and then we
43:50
don't let English people come here. Like
43:54
they're immigrants. It's like, wait a minute.
43:56
This is, I know. Hold up, let
43:58
me see. You know, you. You
44:00
know sometimes when you wish like I had this after
44:02
I recorded my special There's a bit I didn't end
44:04
up putting in there that I still work on I'm
44:06
like thank God I did There's so much meat on
44:08
them. That is a great That
44:10
is a great joke that would have fit right
44:13
in there. Yeah It's
44:17
absurd it's like there's those
44:19
English people Red Carmen
44:21
them yes, no they had to fill
44:23
out paperwork. They were had a little
44:25
hassle. Where are you from? Jolly
44:31
old England never heard of them.
44:33
We're English That is a very
44:36
astute point and note and
44:38
one that yes, it is very true We should
44:40
have but they should be very easy
44:43
been grandfather going back to England that should be
44:45
hard You
44:47
can't go back. It's absurd that I can
44:49
go to England. Yes. Yes go back well
44:51
well well When
44:54
they're taking your picture anything you like to say
44:56
to the manic customs, maybe you've made a
44:58
mistake Hey, miss it. Are you miss it? Yeah,
45:06
that's that gonna work out yeah, right
45:08
all right Yeah,
45:11
as you democracy then all right Well,
45:15
you know we ever got rid of the Queen yet
45:18
you feel all right about that don't want to hurt
45:20
your feelings Yeah, all right.
45:22
Yeah He's
45:24
come back everyone the prodigal
45:27
son's returned All
45:29
right, mate. He missed our heavy one pound
45:31
call. He misses the coins and the cream
45:39
Straightness TV thinks he's the big boy now
45:41
come on in pet F Let's
45:44
see if those straight teeth can steal by the
45:46
cucumber sandwich. Yeah, you able to rip through a
45:48
shank You best
45:50
be able to boy you want a day gamble?
45:56
You put 10 quid and you've got no clue what's
45:58
happening and you still lose as that sounds Is
46:00
that what we've experienced? Come on then, get
46:02
in here. Look at him, tail
46:05
between his cat-pillar legs. Look at
46:07
that little boy back. Look,
46:10
I'm going to say it, I'm glad I interrupted. I'm
46:14
so happy to be sponsored by
46:16
our newest Pete's Pick, which has
46:19
absolutely hands down changed my life
46:21
by making my sleep so
46:23
much better. I slept with it last night
46:25
because I've slept with it every night. It's
46:27
hostage tape, it's mouth tape. If you're anything
46:30
like me, I get it. If
46:32
you are hesitant at the idea of mouth
46:34
tape, it seems crazy to put a piece
46:36
of tape over your mouth to help you
46:39
sleep, even if breathing through your nose
46:41
means up to 20% more oxygen. Even
46:44
if mouth tape reduces your risk of
46:46
sleep apnea, even if it helps with
46:49
snoring, in my case eliminating it entirely,
46:51
even if it helps with oral hygiene
46:53
and bad breath, if you're still worried
46:55
like me, I was worried I was
46:58
going to put it on and I
47:00
would be able, I'd feel suffocated. I
47:02
would be backed up, I'd have a
47:04
hard time breathing, but boom, the opposite
47:07
is true. It's like flipping a switch.
47:09
You close the mouth, the brain immediately
47:11
gets the message, that's shut,
47:13
that road is shut, go to
47:15
the nose. Let's get more oxygen,
47:18
let's sleep more deeply. It didn't
47:20
feel claustrophobic, it was the opposite.
47:22
I breathed easy and clean and
47:24
free all night and felt fantastic
47:26
in the morning and had those
47:28
dreams, those like dune epic dreams
47:30
that you only get when you
47:32
get REM sleep, when you're really,
47:34
really deep. So I woke up
47:36
from a night of dreams and
47:38
that is how I knew, wow,
47:40
this put me deep and I
47:42
felt fantastic. It's
47:45
I'm never going back, I'm never going
47:47
back. I've absolutely changed my life one
47:50
night with hostage tape and I am
47:52
booked. I've also, I've tried another brand
47:54
of mouth tape in the past. It
47:57
smelled like super glue, it kept me awake. I
47:59
hated it. I took it off immediately and it
48:01
hurt to take it off. Hostage tape
48:03
is not like that. It doesn't smell bad and
48:06
it goes on and stays on but they
48:08
figured out the perfect amount of adhesive so
48:10
it comes off easily. Even in the times
48:12
when I've had to take it off, say
48:14
something to my daughter, then put it back
48:16
on, it still stays on. It comes off
48:19
easy. They have nailed it. That
48:21
is why they are the official sleep and breathing aid
48:23
of the UFC and you can try it. We have
48:25
a special offer for weirdos. I want you to try
48:27
it. I want you to be sleeping better and feeling
48:29
better. You can try it for free. You
48:32
just pay $8.95 shipping and handling. You'll get
48:34
a free sample pack and sleep better tonight
48:37
at hostagetape.com/weird. $8.95
48:40
shipping and handling. Support your body, support
48:42
your breath, support the show, support your sleep. hostagetape.com/weird.
48:49
Speaking of supporting your body, we're
48:51
also brought to us by our
48:53
friends at Armra, Armra Colostrum. As
48:55
you know, I am obsessed with
48:57
strengthening my immunity system, my gut
48:59
health, fueling my fitness, my endurance,
49:01
my metabolism, as well as supporting my
49:03
hair and my skin. But
49:05
I found one product that does all of that
49:07
and it couldn't be easier. You just add it
49:09
to a smoothie. You add it to water. They even
49:11
have flavored ones that make it go down real, real
49:14
easy even though it doesn't taste like anything on its
49:16
own. Colostrum. What is Colostrum?
49:18
It's the first nutrition we receive in
49:20
life and contains all of the essential
49:22
nutrients our bodies need to thrive. I'm
49:24
talking about reactivating hair growth and glowing
49:26
skin by reducing inflammation and puffiness in
49:29
your face, as well as stimulating
49:31
stem cells. What? And
49:33
producing collagen to increase elasticity.
49:36
Talking about igniting your metabolism and fortifying
49:38
gut health so you feel less bloated.
49:40
That one I noticed immediately and that
49:42
is why I absolutely take it several
49:44
times a day. Feeling lighter
49:46
and replenishing your microbiome, stabilizing
49:48
blood sugar and accelerating fat
49:50
burning. What? As
49:53
well as fueling your fitness and performance recovery.
49:55
What? Armory Colostrum is
49:57
a proprietary concentrated bovine colostrum that harnesses
49:59
over 400 living
50:01
bioactive nutrients that rebuild the barriers
50:03
of your body and fuel cellular
50:05
health for a host of research-backed
50:07
health benefits. It's wholly natural, sustainable,
50:09
and was developed with the highest
50:11
integrity, grass-fed in the United States,
50:13
and they guarantee the highest potency
50:15
and bioavailability of any colostrum on
50:17
the market for results you can
50:19
see and actually feel. I will
50:22
vouch for that. There's no going
50:24
back. I feel it every
50:26
time I take it. You've got a wonderful
50:28
offer worked out for Weirdos. Receive
50:30
15% off your first order. As you know, we
50:32
don't do picks for things we don't actually use.
50:35
I'm holding my smoothie. It's in this smoothie. Try
50:38
it. Go to tryarmra.com/weird or
50:40
enter weird at checkout for 15%
50:42
off your first order. That's
50:47
tryarmra.com/weird.
50:49
Support your body. Support the show.
50:51
All right, everybody, back to the show. I also
50:53
realized you got a little bale in you. Good
50:56
for you. Yeah. Is
50:59
it that important that we move the light now?
51:02
Remember the first time you saw
51:04
him talk? I didn't know he
51:06
was English until probably halfway through
51:08
his career. I don't want to be
51:10
disrespectful to our motherland. But
51:12
what a letdown. It was shocking.
51:15
When you're like Batman's an import. He's being Batman.
51:17
He's like, I don't know. We need to figure
51:19
it out. And then you hear him talk finally.
51:21
I love the comics. Well, look, I mean, obviously,
51:23
yeah, you know, you've got a more Batman. He's
51:26
a bit different than the other Batman. What
51:29
the fuck? What? Is there a clip of a
51:31
movie? There's no Batman in England. Look,
51:34
our cops have guns and then there's Batman who
51:36
doesn't have a gun. If your cops
51:38
don't have guns, your Batman has to have
51:40
less than no gun. Which means British Batman
51:42
has to have his arms tied behind his
51:44
back. He's just got Batman. He's like, I
51:46
don't hit. All right, of course. Give the
51:48
children sweets. That'll fool you, Joker. I don't
51:51
whistle. I don't blow a
51:53
whistle. It's my code. I
51:55
don't. I don't wish you had to be.
51:57
You have to be British. It's my code.
52:00
Because my parents were with Soddat British,
52:05
British Batman I'm fighting a
52:07
war on natural causes That's
52:09
what took mum and dad out Every
52:12
year I return to their grave This is a
52:14
unique story That's my
52:16
origin I was an orphan of regular
52:18
means You know, in
52:20
the mid-forties Yeah, mid-forties They died,
52:22
they fell, they didn't sleep Bit of a struggle
52:25
at the end for mum But you know, she
52:27
went Now
52:30
I'm out against Medicaid Or whatever they
52:33
have Yeah Whatever they have People
52:35
need to get blood tests every year To
52:38
silent killer The battle of wage That's my Joker
52:40
That's it And it's no joke And by the
52:42
way, there's no Joker over here He
52:45
goes to Saturday morning show He's well-loved
52:47
actually Yeah, bit of a clown
52:49
honestly Not bad Don't
52:52
hate him Look, there's some friction
52:55
I don't love being one-on-one with the guy But
52:58
yeah, crime-wise He's not doing much I mean,
53:00
he steals a lolly every now and then
53:02
The Joker just hosts a kid's show Good
53:04
morning He's pretty good, honestly
53:06
My kids love it, yeah What
53:09
can I say? I'm a fan From away British
53:13
people have a lot more, like, to be
53:16
honest Yeah, to be fair Full disclosure Yeah
53:18
Well-towed Frankly It's like nothing's really being said
53:20
They're just saying yes or no Yeah Like,
53:22
do you want this? Well, truth be told
53:24
Wouldn't mind a bit of a Wouldn't
53:27
mind a bit of a trophy, would I? Honestly,
53:29
toffee'd be all right I
53:34
droop That's
53:36
great I droop Aw, that's
53:38
great In America, you want a
53:40
toffee? Yeah! British
53:42
Well, truth be told You know, honey, stay at home,
53:45
mate Give me the whole bag Well,
53:47
toffee can swim in Frankly If you can spare it, I'd
53:49
have one, yeah? Don't want to put
53:51
you out That is a diabetic Englishman Yeah If
53:53
he doesn't get sugar, he's going to pass out
53:55
He's like, you know, wouldn't mind a toffee Honestly,
53:57
take it or leave it But if you The
54:00
around about several exposure I won't show. His.
54:03
Neighbor headed up this moment has enough
54:05
for everybody. I suppose I do it.
54:07
I know that is huge Avert this
54:09
man is diet soda kids have a
54:11
grab those been I opposed to grab
54:13
a joke. had to have you not.
54:15
As far as an American comes in
54:17
on a jazzy as it is a
54:19
member flat well as me doubt that
54:21
smooth as the item on I was
54:23
not integrate museum of Art equipment that
54:25
my frankly i'm gonna leave the river
54:27
provides to be quotas. That's it for
54:29
me. that was such a funny part.
54:31
where your grandma's kept the hair. From
54:33
the hair car with as someone elses
54:36
grow that's another guy's okay but when
54:38
you were doing the grandma dying and
54:40
they wanna know why she was keeping
54:42
my hair as you keep going I
54:45
don't doing your bit know but it
54:47
killed me. Easy are a number of
54:49
it's. Like
54:52
know as as leaving as a great
54:54
so funny you can be so funny
54:56
my buys I thought about that even
54:58
outside like the i just like leaving
55:00
a treasure map where there's no trash
55:02
like. You can you do have an
55:05
opportunity to leave by two hundred dollars?
55:07
joke? Yeah in a safety deposit box?
55:09
Yes, it's your only chance. It is
55:11
a great last laugh or like weird
55:13
final words, weird final word or like
55:15
the Irish guy who got buried and
55:17
he put like a voice box in
55:19
his coffin where he's gone like I'm
55:22
actually alright. Still gonna marry me and
55:24
the whole families around like oh god.
55:26
That. Is good. Know these didn't Leslie Nielsen
55:29
die? How did he not do that?
55:31
But I don't know. The classic gal?
55:33
Yes, let me out. Where
55:35
we didn't let the Zuckerberg produces funeral or
55:37
the Suckers as a yeah yeah he. I
55:39
mean that would be a classic yes. Are.
55:42
There was a guy I tried to do a bit about.
55:44
this. There. Was a guy who is so
55:46
phrase you know. The reason we had wakes was
55:48
to see if the person was really. Deb adds
55:50
that tracks we must be perfect that yes because
55:53
back then of god we don't know. I like
55:55
a muted pulse. Romeo and Juliet as is about
55:57
of a person who had a muted pulse. Oh.
56:00
Wow. Yeah, he's dead. Yeah,
56:02
no, it's a ladder use
56:04
to dead. Now you're really
56:06
dead. He's revived. Guys.
56:09
Got tired of like aggressively telling
56:11
you about Lake rookie of it.
56:13
Usually I scattered food Those he
56:15
says there's a. Subsidy
56:18
Dead by says Paul say to
56:20
themselves out doesn't I say why?
56:22
Except. Know that I
56:24
capulets agon Advice: smoked again.
56:28
And. Again,
56:31
would have Zero Zero. The merciless. Opposes
56:34
yeah there's no way was show forget
56:36
how were with the grammar her oh
56:38
yea I am leaving as a oh
56:40
the bet well as he got buried
56:42
with the phone. I always
56:44
use I get install a phone and if I
56:47
wake up in my coffin. I'll pick
56:49
up the phone and causes that's a good one
56:51
and then i all day and w i like
56:53
that the what the old and wh we had
56:55
the phone at the restaurant in a row attend
56:57
of you they oh he's the order by picking
56:59
up a phone at the booth yes can I
57:01
say. Love. That yes as
57:03
about isles I was like were doing business.
57:05
we need to our dogs. And
57:08
for God's sake gets a brew Beer floats over here.
57:10
We're tired. Yeah, it was like
57:12
the best. The brown cloud broken basic
57:14
as is else exists when it's allies
57:16
with a new May as well as
57:18
gets a module. He dies and you
57:20
got audited said why you're drawing Ah
57:22
silly Fbi that note silly that dismays
57:24
as a going to solve itself I
57:26
gotta go time. As crazy as my
57:28
busy time kids want to be busy
57:30
yes I swapped. I tried to do
57:33
a bit about this to where I
57:35
was like. When. You're like late
57:37
for a flight Like them as I'll be
57:39
leaving. Mouse involves I can users and I'm
57:41
like I got I can't I gotta go
57:43
I gotta I gotta go sit in the
57:46
sky I'm on a plane. yeah it leaves
57:48
Elite and I'm like your stress but like
57:50
doting mother. do you love and yes is
57:52
like I can Now I'm on the A
57:54
lab and you have notes for on the
57:56
Eleven and Francisco baby I was how rather
57:59
than we can't. How great is A
58:01
to when you have that to some
58:03
extent and then you're on a plane
58:05
and then it's pure nothing. Where
58:07
you're like they're they're I don't like flying.
58:10
And I try to do it less and
58:12
less. but like I'm I'm going Australian a
58:14
couple weeks and applies Brutal Yes, but you
58:16
are fully like. That's it. That's.
58:19
As. I'm. A man it piece.
58:21
To some extent I couldn't agree more.
58:23
I don't want cell service on the
58:25
plane that the higher the railing, the
58:27
why fi on their totally agree and
58:29
rep and through tax and like it's
58:31
actually nice when you land to our
58:33
view on some stuff. Ever been on
58:36
a six hour flight? turn off airplane
58:38
mode know text as actually gutting? It's
58:40
gutting. And. You're going like
58:42
sky is The. Was. A not
58:44
connecting day I promised my Buddhists how
58:46
about this I want I got to
58:48
be eso es oh my god I
58:50
was gonna hear the word satellite know
58:53
G has come on I left my
58:55
voted home was believe in phone alone
58:57
phone alone reverted I killed a man
58:59
with a paid staff for no reason
59:01
in his house you feel the what
59:03
a man with a paint can. Die.
59:06
Alone every brags. His
59:09
mortal oh yes the bricks there
59:11
was is throwing bricks services from
59:13
the top of a brownstone and
59:15
like your slap beds hitting the
59:17
curly Ryan styles type over and
59:19
over and over face of emerging
59:21
like there was a and there
59:23
was i forget who did it
59:25
ice at one point read an
59:28
actual doctor going through every one
59:30
of the. The The. Things he
59:32
did. Oh my God. and he was like
59:34
again. cranial fracture. We're talking about a man.
59:36
As you know throughout this is a man
59:38
who won't remember. his family is dead, Man
59:41
ran by now a falls through the ground.
59:44
And lands square on his back on of
59:46
hungry basement Yes and an and then he
59:48
spits out feather like. I'm
59:51
like it because this is skulls
59:53
fourth degree burns his bags at
59:56
Rub Rub Brush. I recall very
59:58
vividly being around that. The and
1:00:00
there was a kid jazz crosby running
1:00:02
at full speed and I just thought
1:00:05
it would be hilarious to trip them.
1:00:07
and I did. and chairs one flying
1:00:09
and of course he wounded himself. great
1:00:11
lakes skimming everything that ban ah and
1:00:14
then he cried and I felt. Horrible.
1:00:17
Yeah, and also like. Then.
1:00:19
What was all that about? And strange?
1:00:23
That's. Nuts with. I thought
1:00:25
I was Kevin Mchale area like jazz
1:00:27
in my mind he would threat he
1:00:29
would trip the up. Fall.
1:00:32
The Up then everyone would hoist me
1:00:34
on their shoulders and go Now have
1:00:36
Pad F fires up if I did
1:00:38
out. If we love you both both
1:00:40
name. I
1:00:42
was so confused and betrayed gas of in
1:00:44
a now we all learned while a lot
1:00:47
of us moved to Hollywood the learn that
1:00:49
it's a lot of fakery but you never
1:00:51
yeah you get the is. Like. The episode
1:00:53
of Family Guy was too eager to the tell
1:00:55
it of is set to do see Them Now
1:00:57
I regularly really like that would I say actually
1:00:59
meaning like it worked on me. emotional and right
1:01:02
that he visits. But. A sad the Teletubbies
1:01:04
and he sees them like smoking with their heads
1:01:06
off and of my Us yeah. Ah,
1:01:09
there is no birthday chicken is
1:01:11
there's there's no birthday chicken shit
1:01:13
and were batted. We're back to
1:01:16
brought bathtub with so okay so
1:01:18
that birthday chicken right? And then
1:01:20
my family. When. I would
1:01:22
go to England. They. Would.
1:01:25
Make us share bathwater and I'm
1:01:27
and read dead and. I'm.
1:01:30
And at one end and if I'm
1:01:32
not talking about like hey, they took
1:01:34
a bath, you guys go which is
1:01:36
gross but it was genuinely like. Six.
1:01:39
Seven people deep. And because my cousin and
1:01:41
I were the same age but young, too
1:01:43
young to know that this was crazy, by
1:01:45
the time we got to it it was
1:01:47
crazy. They would give us like they would
1:01:49
let us warm it up a little bit
1:01:51
like you'd get a repair. But.
1:01:53
Then. You'd. Be going in there.
1:01:55
and I mean I vividly remember of course
1:01:58
you do to like this trauma. Yeah, The
1:02:00
As I vividly remember that as an
1:02:02
article the absolute that ever other get
1:02:04
like a few blocks goal and being
1:02:06
like does which you know like grown.
1:02:08
Man hairs and honestly there were
1:02:10
times I think like. Women:
1:02:12
Would go and before his and they would like save their
1:02:14
legs and like. So you are dealing
1:02:16
with but identity I didn't know. Any
1:02:18
better. And. I use a pool
1:02:20
scammer before the substance of a water on
1:02:22
same what and the water was so so
1:02:25
be murky at that point that it did
1:02:27
look like a which is called her and
1:02:29
by then. And. And.
1:02:31
It was fucking horrible. But then.
1:02:34
I. Was telling my mother. Once I started
1:02:37
doing that joke on stage I was telling
1:02:39
my mother about it and see was oddly
1:02:41
defensive and then told me that what would
1:02:43
happen when see a me mama? there's nothing
1:02:45
like that eighteen twenty. She told me that
1:02:48
when she would go to her aunt's place.
1:02:50
There. Would be bathwater that would be like
1:02:53
two or three days old. And.
1:02:55
Then they would get into so seems like
1:02:57
you kids had it's great. That
1:02:59
was same day. And I was like what's
1:03:01
the flock those are You get a good like three.
1:03:04
It. Just makes no sense because. To
1:03:07
your flight water your points. It
1:03:09
was totally possible to refill. sure
1:03:12
he may be you a leave
1:03:14
an hour in between. But
1:03:16
this. Is not like you could
1:03:18
have definitely had refilled. Water and
1:03:21
where they just saving water. They
1:03:23
grew up very poor so I
1:03:25
think they're go to was always.
1:03:28
You. Know conserve which is we all should
1:03:30
be doing but to some. This.
1:03:33
A way to do at the Totem Feals
1:03:35
Old Timey which is the bucket method Yes,
1:03:37
get him the tab and are like using
1:03:39
one bucket of water. That's. What we
1:03:41
did in well but it and gundam it was and I
1:03:43
remember those years for you. If
1:03:46
of very much is like. It.
1:03:49
Is like it is like the English. It is. A
1:03:51
monarchy. The first two people get
1:03:53
the perfect bath. And
1:03:55
then the poppers. The rest of us. The
1:03:57
peasant A groundlings. yes, we are down there.
1:04:00
Dunking. As quickly as possible and not
1:04:02
putting our faces under because you come out
1:04:05
with like someone elses. but you know shadow.
1:04:08
Why? Did you say is what are the best lines of
1:04:10
the our. Where. You say? What?
1:04:13
Do you look through the window ledge
1:04:15
or later and ah I'm I think
1:04:17
it's like like that a group filled
1:04:19
orphan looking at a crowd is my
1:04:21
own of my own felt oh me
1:04:23
oh no they'll be as I don't
1:04:25
like Babs kids. it's your own finesse
1:04:27
and I'm there with addresses Rose Yeah
1:04:29
to see the asthma when I was
1:04:31
a kid your own filth was like
1:04:33
you know you'd be lucky if you've
1:04:35
yeah you'd look through a window at
1:04:37
like people eating at Christmas Ham and
1:04:39
you be us may have sales almighty
1:04:41
some dice may on sale. Yeah. Yeah
1:04:44
ah yes, day for. Bail
1:04:48
came back. Dot
1:04:50
for you know that at me
1:04:52
own self? Yeah, know they are
1:04:54
That Ira and I rub. Distinctly
1:04:57
remember. It. Taking years for
1:04:59
me? Maybe at in of the. The birthday
1:05:01
take a moment but I did some
1:05:03
point. Go here is that doesn't happen.
1:05:06
Yes I'm trying to the I know
1:05:08
my family had more. My.
1:05:10
Mind and I'm not trying to sit on them. was just
1:05:12
like. How quiet and and
1:05:14
said was but there are a guy
1:05:17
to normal again. I was watching that
1:05:19
Steve Martin documentary as I say watch
1:05:21
silence at our dinner table. Yeah was
1:05:23
like. Yeah. That was like a
1:05:25
let's get through this kind of quiet
1:05:28
was it was risky to toss it
1:05:30
again with for compassion but for people
1:05:32
that is really struggled via communicating since
1:05:34
those I go better to just be
1:05:36
like. As his be. Mrs.
1:05:38
Can we get through the things? that? that? I mean.
1:05:41
Like as I was, I had an older brother,
1:05:43
but I still very much was like a latchkey
1:05:45
kids are. yet there's tons of time alone with
1:05:48
my thoughts. Yeah, to use. That.
1:05:50
Muslims either. My brother revenue you know had
1:05:52
I was is going to relate and that
1:05:54
I sort of felt like an only child.
1:05:56
Yeah, my brother would confirm that he's like
1:05:58
we're close now is I am. The area
1:06:00
were going around. Yeah I feel like I
1:06:02
was an what's the age difference Only two
1:06:04
year Yes he my brother I were twelve
1:06:06
twelve twelve years So he was like. Easy
1:06:09
though, no real deal eyes and I was
1:06:11
like there cause lag hours and you know
1:06:13
like it so so that was part of
1:06:16
it. but yes I. Think it did it.
1:06:18
It made you. A kind
1:06:20
of was like torture is as a child in
1:06:22
a weird way but of make your your wheels
1:06:24
were always turning our minutes say I would look
1:06:26
we're going to. If you join me,
1:06:28
we're both gonna sell my gold. Forty's good. I'm
1:06:31
just like. I'm good.
1:06:34
For. Them. Yeah,
1:06:36
brave with. Get.
1:06:38
Tape recorders and make radio shows and I
1:06:40
would you stop motion with the family camcorder.
1:06:42
yep I'd I'd get a smoke bomb and
1:06:45
put it in my G I Joe is
1:06:47
it was like an event because I only
1:06:49
have one smoke both still and had film
1:06:51
as a new were odds that like we
1:06:53
got one day out exactly calibre, lack, Hits.
1:06:56
Your marks. From. The time
1:06:58
I know you guys are ne'er do wells but
1:07:00
this is alive by. oh yes it's a gonna
1:07:02
do and there's a lot. we have one take.
1:07:05
Okay, But
1:07:07
yeah you had no to win rights
1:07:09
and then I guess like now. I
1:07:11
definitely also. I wonder if you
1:07:14
did Lights I Devlin? make sure to
1:07:16
have boredom Tevez? Yes, yes. I think
1:07:18
it's one of the great. We.
1:07:20
Could be on with those motivational you tube channels
1:07:22
right now here because I think As and the
1:07:24
I can see the thumbnail already. The
1:07:27
life hack of boredom for it. So
1:07:29
know if I go on Tuesday I'm
1:07:31
going to turn my phone off and
1:07:33
not work on anything. That.
1:07:35
Is the glorious envelope thought back of
1:07:38
envelope writing now day? Because when you
1:07:40
tell your brain you don't have to
1:07:42
work, the unconscious gets to run free
1:07:45
us and like you think you're doing
1:07:47
nothing. But. Like how many times have
1:07:49
you been playing a video game or watching a movie
1:07:51
or going on a walk or something and you pause
1:07:53
it and you write down the sec. Yeah, and I'm
1:07:55
like. It's. Such a
1:07:58
pleasure. but we are! Yeah, To
1:08:00
be grinding it. Like. Rise and
1:08:02
Grind is as I I've always seen
1:08:04
Rise and Griner like lead. slow. Yeah
1:08:07
good. Like get him out, get in
1:08:09
a rhythm. be natural that makes sense
1:08:11
Like spine the space that exists in
1:08:13
the universe that you just com esse
1:08:16
seep into and naturally come out the
1:08:18
other as not. Rise and Grass rising
1:08:20
right is those ago that networks you
1:08:23
know down and there's like one dared
1:08:25
say i'm a black cat was some
1:08:27
guess who cooks that is like Eddie
1:08:30
like capital and you're doing rain. Yes
1:08:32
our all those were thank you know
1:08:34
but I think there is very much
1:08:36
that that idea like I have that
1:08:38
in the night a lot to me
1:08:40
to where I will my brain will
1:08:42
start to solve a puzzle where I'm
1:08:44
like not now but then you're also
1:08:46
likes Okay yeah and you will go.
1:08:48
That's a good idea you know or
1:08:50
even you do? You have some. Some.
1:08:53
Clarity and I think like those moments
1:08:55
are so even not rushing. Up
1:08:58
at. Like a bit and stand up
1:09:00
like there is like something to the idea
1:09:03
of I haven't done in the couple months.
1:09:05
Yeah, lemme see how my brain works on
1:09:07
it now. For men patients moving on from
1:09:09
a bit it's pretty good and then returning
1:09:12
and gun. oh now I know it better
1:09:14
or I leveraged realize this is it's like
1:09:16
that. the volume making it a volume business.
1:09:19
Yes like Taylor says, new record is really
1:09:21
great. When it came out so quickly I
1:09:23
was little concern as that we shouldn't be
1:09:25
turning the around so quickly. but she seems
1:09:28
to be like obviously. She's like a
1:09:30
phantom. Yeah, I'm here, but like for
1:09:32
me? Yeah. You
1:09:34
have an hour. In
1:09:36
only Me. But is it time to
1:09:38
record it? Totally. You know I
1:09:41
think I remember my manager at the time
1:09:43
asking me like how long see thought it
1:09:45
would take me for my next hour of
1:09:47
like you know for fi and I'm like
1:09:49
oh my god i I don't know yeah
1:09:51
i have sniffle couple of rice you know
1:09:53
goes back to like the stadium of this
1:09:55
This is a problem of success is when
1:09:57
people want that next thing that exists as
1:09:59
the. Yeah, fifteen years to make
1:10:01
your first album And yeah, near to make
1:10:03
your second. Yes, But like, I. Don't.
1:10:06
I'm. I'm a big like who's making these
1:10:08
rules That's like a big thing for me.
1:10:10
Yeah when when podcast go I well it's
1:10:13
been an hour. we should add them where
1:10:15
I made that. Rules are like why have
1:10:17
an hour I should filaments. Who. Like
1:10:19
who Got to you And don't you see
1:10:21
all the stories where it gets ruined? That's
1:10:24
what they mean when they're like. money and
1:10:26
power ruins everything. Because if you are. And.
1:10:28
To get it tailored suit is
1:10:31
doing great but she has to
1:10:33
be on guard that like three
1:10:35
hundred people work for at all
1:10:37
of them get big that turkey's
1:10:39
if she does a little razzle
1:10:42
dazzle. And he she's probably a
1:10:44
very I'm imagining. a lot of artists
1:10:46
that I admire are very boundary people
1:10:48
that are just like I know you'd
1:10:50
like me to just pump out the
1:10:52
Fucking Shamrock shake, but we're not selling
1:10:54
hot dogs here. Well. I think
1:10:56
that also and we are by the way
1:10:58
so to use promo codes we are you
1:11:00
of weird sign in or N W I
1:11:03
pick up your and have you found someone
1:11:05
code weird say we need more chili dogs
1:11:07
as maze and gonna finish itself ah you
1:11:09
know so much more thing says the more
1:11:11
these as they would it was radio as
1:11:13
I call this number and say hot ninety
1:11:15
three of the phrases pay the now it
1:11:18
is like prove goes grocery laid off associate
1:11:20
mood me with your website purchase. Manning
1:11:23
made me like I'm grateful for everybody
1:11:25
we have but when it's in the
1:11:27
copy that ago and it when there's
1:11:29
the online survey please say well I
1:11:31
view I always feel like William Our
1:11:34
and with up with an old bizarre
1:11:36
as far as it's it's raining on
1:11:38
me and would you tell them Well
1:11:40
he said just replace a five star
1:11:42
smashed the like button. Plays.
1:11:45
For. Not I got. Car
1:11:47
Drive by the odds of. A
1:11:51
lot of you can leave a
1:11:53
comment an early on I tunes
1:11:55
and running out. Of
1:11:57
self is why put a little i myself as a Brooklinen.
1:12:00
Bravo Gold Weird. And. Will he said.
1:12:03
He. Retired did you play as
1:12:05
helpful advice and off your
1:12:07
closing the door slag. Off.
1:12:13
Ah, I didn't. Have
1:12:16
The Sky Williams I. Thought
1:12:20
at thirty forward. Apple reconfigured our
1:12:23
doubts. That was. Oh
1:12:27
no, is that your first? some.
1:12:30
Assess as Isabel I'm home
1:12:33
and we had your. Eye
1:12:36
of the Love and for an
1:12:38
hour and nobody I really busy.
1:12:40
Oh I've precision but I do
1:12:42
think it is like that. those.
1:12:45
Those. That to your point it
1:12:47
is really weird when you are rushed
1:12:49
into you have to do this shit
1:12:51
as fast as possible us because well
1:12:54
that's the risk Yeah and and I
1:12:56
think you know with with England Weed
1:12:58
and the rest I had a different
1:13:00
idea of what I wanted to do
1:13:02
two different times during it's and so
1:13:05
some of the material was actually pretty
1:13:07
rushed and like. You. Know, even when
1:13:09
I was done with it was like yeah, that stuff like. Wasn't.
1:13:12
Where. It could have gotten. It's
1:13:15
weird because you stand up is never going to be
1:13:17
done even when you go. I'm. Gonna
1:13:19
do a joke that I haven't done a
1:13:21
while. You the oil the their I had
1:13:23
or there's a better line there. I had
1:13:25
where I films. I. Thought this
1:13:27
was like brilliant but I filmed my last
1:13:29
special and then I continued touring it for
1:13:32
like three four months as yeah while I
1:13:34
was reign as an old is using a
1:13:36
new stuff Grace. Is a great strategy?
1:13:38
Yes, but. Your. Do it like that.
1:13:40
That is the The problem is you're still
1:13:43
doing the old jokes and there was a
1:13:45
line where ago or. So. Ago.
1:13:48
Some. People believe God created the universe. I guess
1:13:50
some people believe nothing created the universe and I
1:13:52
go. I. Started going way to
1:13:54
opt out of the conversation which is made me
1:13:56
laugh at I was like that you like fag
1:13:58
a I came home and. What it was.
1:14:00
but it wasn't in the special. Yeah, Zach
1:14:02
Nine out. Tons and tons and tons of
1:14:05
little tweak. Yeah these micro seasonings that often
1:14:07
when I'm watching a special and is just
1:14:09
not hitting with me. And by the way
1:14:11
I did not feel that way about your
1:14:13
as a tool. Thank by when I'm watching
1:14:15
a special I'm just like oh it just
1:14:18
didn't They didn't bury the kimchi, you know
1:14:20
me and like a degenerate oil time. Yeah,
1:14:22
need to sleep. A I need to be
1:14:24
woken up out of at how many times
1:14:26
a day at a text myself? Probably thirty
1:14:28
times. That's an exaggeration, but. Like a lot.
1:14:31
I text myself constantly. Most the my
1:14:33
emails are to myself. yeah and the
1:14:35
subject is the same. It's that like
1:14:37
so I can find all the notes
1:14:39
and stuff and that's. I
1:14:41
mean with we've covered the topic before, but I'm
1:14:43
just really struck with how much of the creative
1:14:45
process is unconscious and how much we act have
1:14:47
to be. Humbled. To at and
1:14:49
the way to be humble Do it. Is
1:14:52
to give it the time. Down. At one?
1:14:54
Yes. And that's why the arrogance of
1:14:56
pushing through and being like it's done.
1:14:59
It's ready in a fast timeline and sometimes
1:15:01
it works. I mean some people can do
1:15:03
it. Sounds like I'm like you know, sub
1:15:05
tweeting certain people I'm not like. every now
1:15:07
I send people they put out new album
1:15:09
what hours and I'm like nearly far Taylor
1:15:11
Swift point I'm in. You know there is
1:15:13
like they're. It's also I think if you. You.
1:15:16
Know as you have that. Level of
1:15:18
success. You. Know you're not
1:15:21
grinding things out in front of strangers
1:15:23
enough. Yeah and there is a real
1:15:25
there there is a real ability to
1:15:27
say you know they are that minutes
1:15:29
of so great about stand up as
1:15:31
you like Yeah it's me like this
1:15:33
is their right, like whatever it is
1:15:35
and if you if every game is
1:15:37
a home game yeah you know it's
1:15:39
just a maybe not the advantage that
1:15:41
it seems like in the long term
1:15:43
of the material that's what in a
1:15:45
Seinfeld says that and comedian it's like
1:15:47
you get thirty seconds. Yeah right. Yup.
1:15:49
Went. When writers I'd recommend it really and
1:15:51
you watch him bomb And this guy have
1:15:54
but tier Steve Martin. Ah point early like
1:15:56
to see of R R Martin. Steve R
1:15:58
R Martin. The idea that he. A
1:16:00
rabid dragons now idea I
1:16:02
yeah it's is or your
1:16:04
head professional fantasy business ago
1:16:06
selling his ah the good
1:16:08
he. To walk
1:16:10
away from it when you're at
1:16:13
that level is subtle toner to
1:16:15
what the industry and the business
1:16:17
would push you into. Yes, you
1:16:19
know, to. It's crazy. Well that's
1:16:21
why is everyone listen to the shown of
1:16:23
noses? A big topic for me. Yeah, Steve
1:16:25
Martin. One he wakes and you're helping me
1:16:27
realize for the first time you walk in
1:16:29
with that are more He was. Rescinded
1:16:32
on the. Know
1:16:34
is that Know that he sort of
1:16:36
was a victim of. You.
1:16:38
Know I think he probably select the Plato
1:16:41
getting pushed through the starship. yeah and like
1:16:43
at a certain what's because I always go
1:16:45
like why didn't see change But I think
1:16:47
that's what's happening now is comedians have more
1:16:49
opportunities to shape their lives and make it
1:16:51
look a little bit more like what they
1:16:53
want said ninety Todd Barry doing rock than
1:16:55
yours You know, like that's that's an off
1:16:58
the past like what's I don't have to
1:17:00
add still doing this but there was a
1:17:02
time when he was like i don't wanna
1:17:04
do. This. Club where like it's
1:17:06
like a mailing list and they they
1:17:08
might not understand what he's doing or
1:17:10
whatever. So. I'm going to
1:17:12
go here and I can draw my own. Says
1:17:15
there's more control now and I I just saw
1:17:17
this opportunity. I.
1:17:19
Don't know. I still feel that when I was watching the
1:17:21
documentary I think he was. You were at the. Mcat,
1:17:24
why not get. But.
1:17:26
It's a martyr thing when I get five
1:17:28
friends and do like a of yeah, right
1:17:30
yeah, gather like you could have hosted and
1:17:32
nine yeah and he could have gone out
1:17:34
right. Friends Done in a smaller venue. Less
1:17:37
money suggests mcguire. Less money, fewer clients. Yeah,
1:17:39
those are perfidious. Yeah, nobody likes that, but
1:17:41
he could have done it. Well
1:17:43
yeah I did eating quit you can reshape
1:17:46
a yeah I think like you are you
1:17:48
know it is. It's so weird how it
1:17:50
as all geared now to like. You.
1:17:53
Know the secret sauce is so different than
1:17:55
what I ate at. Not to say that
1:17:57
I think any time you look back at
1:17:59
an air. You will go, yeah, there were people
1:18:02
who were maybe popular for reasons that
1:18:04
were not like pound for pound How
1:18:06
is the material? But now there is
1:18:08
such a cult of personality around stuff
1:18:10
that it just has changed completely and
1:18:12
it's like for me like when I
1:18:15
moved to LA like You
1:18:17
still were trying to get people to come to your
1:18:19
live shows like sketch shows and you'd have a list
1:18:21
of people And that was it and you
1:18:23
know, you were gutted when the people didn't show
1:18:25
up to now when it's like well How do
1:18:28
you what's your brand? How do you bring people
1:18:30
into your life? You know, I'm like the fuck
1:18:32
are you talking? Yeah, it's so vastly different that
1:18:36
It does feel like you have to kind of be in a
1:18:38
rush But I think if you're
1:18:40
you know trying to actually put out good
1:18:42
shit, which does matter you can't
1:18:44
rush that Yeah, yeah do it in that
1:18:46
in that kind of time constraint way you
1:18:48
did live sketch Oh, yeah, cuz
1:18:51
that doesn't really happen as much anymore. I remember no
1:18:53
yeah. Oh, yeah Yeah,
1:18:55
even then it felt a little Off
1:18:59
the path like well, I used to sing
1:19:01
stand I definitely found I didn't I didn't
1:19:03
start doing stand-up until you probably
1:19:05
like I mean not like it's a small
1:19:08
amount of time but like 13 or 14 years
1:19:10
ago probably headlining for like seven
1:19:12
years and I waited until I
1:19:14
was like 30 to really get into it because To
1:19:17
the point I was making before about having someone slap me and
1:19:20
there was like there was there was
1:19:22
a group There was another person to talk
1:19:24
to you. Yeah sketch or group improv. I
1:19:26
was like I felt a lot of
1:19:28
comfort in Celebrating the
1:19:30
wins with other people but also commiserating
1:19:32
the losses with others better and and
1:19:34
I really had that for so long
1:19:36
that when I Finally was
1:19:38
like damn it. I got to start doing stand-up cuz
1:19:41
you know nobody goes to see live improv It
1:19:44
was really hard. I really really struggled with
1:19:46
it's lonely the loneliness Yeah, you are really
1:19:49
bombing and especially when you when you start
1:19:51
and you are You
1:19:53
know, and I know you I think you I
1:19:56
clicked pretty quick when it came it
1:19:58
took me a minute to be able to from
1:20:00
the sketch stuff and
1:20:02
understanding how to write for myself and what
1:20:05
worked it took me a minute before I
1:20:07
stopped bombing and that time when I was
1:20:09
bombing was really tough I mean I was
1:20:11
really feeling it and like you
1:20:14
know so it really took a lot for me
1:20:16
to be like here in LA what was your
1:20:18
early stand-up like what wasn't working and what did
1:20:20
you figure out well I you know I really
1:20:22
I I moved to New York to work on
1:20:25
a show and you
1:20:28
know I and mancations no
1:20:30
actually writes before
1:20:33
mancations I think but good stuff obviously
1:20:35
we're taking he knows his stuff don't
1:20:37
think I'm overlooking that but
1:20:41
I had an MTV show oh
1:20:43
yes called philosophy yeah that's right
1:20:46
philosophy philosophy you're welcome that one yeah good
1:20:49
well nobody did and that's the problem but
1:20:51
what I was there it was just like
1:20:53
a you know panel show of like stupid
1:20:55
shit from the internet okay it was like
1:20:57
we pitched a show to MTV
1:21:01
and we pitched it to a person
1:21:03
who really liked us and she was like that
1:21:05
won't work but a version of this would work
1:21:07
and she kind of developed us in the direction
1:21:09
of a pickle so I went to New York
1:21:11
to shoot that for like half a year and
1:21:14
I'd become friends with a couple comics like
1:21:16
Kevin Barnett at the time and Chris DiStefano
1:21:18
and they were like we can get
1:21:21
you on shows so then I kind of felt
1:21:23
that level of you know comfort
1:21:25
to going the shows with someone which I
1:21:27
didn't have before yes and then it was
1:21:29
a life hack is a couple of allies
1:21:31
and that was what I had for the
1:21:33
first time and and as far as why
1:21:35
I was bombing I mean I think a
1:21:37
combination of I wasn't representing
1:21:39
my humor properly because
1:21:42
of nerves and then I think
1:21:44
I would just I didn't I wasn't talking about
1:21:46
myself I was definitely starting with
1:21:48
like more of the
1:21:51
attempted observational stuff and that combined
1:21:53
with nerves what I
1:21:55
was thinking of doing was always a shorter version
1:21:58
on stage and I didn't give it the breath
1:22:01
it needed or I didn't follow it the extra
1:22:03
beat or and so it wasn't
1:22:05
until I started talking about my father when
1:22:07
I started going okay this is easier because this is
1:22:09
true there's already a road map
1:22:11
for this bit I can make it
1:22:13
funnier but there's already kind of the
1:22:15
road map so to start off with
1:22:17
it was very difficult you know I don't
1:22:20
remember dad stuff on the no so
1:22:22
my album what is called Riddlewood
1:22:24
disease the first thing I put out and that
1:22:26
has a lot about my dad's accent because he
1:22:28
split his life between England and Wisconsin and he
1:22:31
sounds like a blood diamond traitor versus like
1:22:34
you know his accent is insane like it was
1:22:36
I mean he's got a booming voice and
1:22:39
he's he like kind of moves through vowels
1:22:41
quickly so like I would always say my
1:22:43
name Gareth he would say like and
1:22:46
that just became I was like well he's really like
1:22:48
mailing in on my name but he told you know
1:22:50
he's gonna a bit like this and we'll find the
1:22:52
blood diamond and we'll get you know and like so
1:22:54
we have to find the blood diamond we would meet
1:22:56
again and and so
1:22:58
his voice so so the second I start talking about
1:23:01
his voice in this bit the first but I really
1:23:03
did was about how when he would
1:23:05
leave me voicemails he would tell me the time in
1:23:07
Wisconsin and the time in LA and then
1:23:09
you know I take him on a you know magical
1:23:12
journey with being in space
1:23:14
and leaving me voicemails and that sort of stuff
1:23:16
but once I started doing that I was like
1:23:18
okay now I have the five to ten minute
1:23:20
buffer what was funny about you yes
1:23:23
if there is one piece of technology that has
1:23:26
absolutely changed my life and vowels life and a
1:23:28
lot of the friends we have because we've given
1:23:30
these away it's this if you're watching
1:23:32
the video I'm holding up my wrist I'm showing
1:23:34
everybody the Apollo neuro what
1:23:36
is the Apollo neuro it's wearable tech
1:23:39
that helps your body recover
1:23:41
from stress deal with stress cope
1:23:43
with life by sending vibrations
1:23:45
into your body giving your nervous
1:23:47
system the sensation of being touched
1:23:50
or held that's right it's a
1:23:52
virtual hug essentially it can help
1:23:54
you relax sleep it's incredible for
1:23:56
sleep focus helps with some ADD
1:23:59
symptoms helps you be more productive.
1:24:01
It's like a wearable hug for the nervous
1:24:03
system. Using touch therapy to help you feel
1:24:06
safe and in control. You can wear it
1:24:08
like I do on your wrist or you
1:24:10
can wear it more discreetly on your ankle.
1:24:12
Apollonur is like finding the fuse box for
1:24:15
your emotions with settings for energy and wake
1:24:17
up, social, which is great. That's what I
1:24:19
use when I'm on stage or at a
1:24:21
party. Clear and focused, it's what I do
1:24:24
when I'm working. Obviously rebuild and recover. I
1:24:26
use it after I call home. I
1:24:29
have a stressful call with the folks.
1:24:31
I use rebuild and recover. Calm
1:24:33
is wonderful for meditation. Unwind, Val and I
1:24:35
call it the try to say stay awake
1:24:38
setting because it lulls you into a relaxed
1:24:40
state that is very gooey and dreamy. And
1:24:42
then of course fall asleep. It's a chemical
1:24:44
free way to lull yourself back to sleep
1:24:46
or gently to sleep at the beginning of
1:24:49
the night. I use it every single night.
1:24:51
Keeps me asleep, I love it. Apollonur was
1:24:53
developed by a neuroscientist and a board certified
1:24:55
psychiatrist who had been studying the impacts of
1:24:57
chronic stress on humans for nearly 15 years.
1:25:00
This is not a mood ring, this is not a
1:25:02
crystal, this is science. Hard
1:25:05
science, body science, the effects on sleep,
1:25:07
cognitive performance, stress and recovery have been
1:25:09
proven in multiple clinical trials and real
1:25:12
world studies. And I'll tell you from
1:25:14
my own personal experience, there's not a
1:25:16
day that I don't wear it. I
1:25:18
absolutely love it. And you can get
1:25:21
40 bucks off at
1:25:23
apollonur.com using promo code
1:25:25
weird. Support your
1:25:27
body, support this
1:25:30
show, a-p-o-l-l-o-n-e-u-r-o.com slash weird
1:25:32
and use promo code weird for 40
1:25:34
bucks off. I love
1:25:37
the Apollonur, get into it. We're also
1:25:39
brought to us by our friends at
1:25:41
Electric Ebikes. Do you remember that feeling
1:25:43
of adventure when you were a kid
1:25:45
getting on your bike and just riding?
1:25:47
It's one of the first senses of
1:25:50
freedom I got in my life. So
1:25:52
this season, get out there, enjoy the
1:25:54
weather, recapture the magic of riding a
1:25:56
bike with your Electric Ebikes with an
1:25:58
amazing variety of models. It's built for
1:26:00
all riders of all abilities. It's never been
1:26:02
easier to fall in love with the riding
1:26:05
again plus electric e-bikes ship free and
1:26:07
require quick tool list assembly. It's really
1:26:09
cool. It comes in a huge box,
1:26:11
basically unfolds and you're practically ready to
1:26:14
go. Go to electricebikes.com to discover e-bikes
1:26:16
that started just 799 with the XP
1:26:18
Lite. We
1:26:20
also have the long range model, which is
1:26:23
incredible. I got the plus one seat for
1:26:25
Leela. Tell I take her
1:26:27
to school every day. We take it all
1:26:29
over town. Makes errands fun, gives
1:26:31
you that sense of adventure coming back into your
1:26:33
life. Up to 150
1:26:35
miles on one charge with the long range
1:26:37
model. I have financing as low as
1:26:40
$49 per month plus savings on gas,
1:26:42
parking and maintenance. I can say just parking alone
1:26:44
is so cool to go to the farmer's market
1:26:46
and just lean it on a tree. Durable
1:26:49
features and accessories for added safety,
1:26:51
convenience and control. Getting started
1:26:53
with an e-bike adventure is easier than ever.
1:26:56
Ship's free, tool list assembly.
1:26:58
Get your adventure started
1:27:01
at electricebikes.com and
1:27:03
please mention you made it weird
1:27:05
with Pete Holmes at the post
1:27:07
checkout survey. That's electric, L-E-C-T-R-I-C, e-bikes.com.
1:27:10
All right, everybody, bike on
1:27:12
the road. Are you
1:27:14
like me and that I just didn't? It's like
1:27:16
your bed. It's like the bathtub bed or the
1:27:18
cat pillow bed or the birthday chicken is like,
1:27:22
I feel like art is figuring
1:27:24
out what is ordinary to
1:27:26
me but it's really strange to everyone else.
1:27:29
Yeah, totally. And I think it was. The
1:27:32
second I started talking about things that
1:27:36
felt kind of unique, that seemed
1:27:38
normal, then you started to go,
1:27:40
okay, this is kind of how you start doing
1:27:43
well at shows to get that comfort. What was the
1:27:45
first bit that you had? And I'm only asking this
1:27:47
as an interest question not to put you on the
1:27:49
spot. That you were like, I think I've done it.
1:27:51
I've crossed over. Oh, the first. What
1:27:53
did you think I was asking? Well, I thought you were gonna ask
1:27:55
the first bit I tried to say. Oh, no, no. The first
1:27:57
bit I tried to say was about family feud and it was horrible.
1:28:00
Um, what was it? I
1:28:02
think he- I think he- Hahaha!
1:28:06
I think it was... The
1:28:08
moment- I don't even know, like it's kind of
1:28:10
funny, but I don't think- It's certainly not the
1:28:12
thing you want to just- Hahaha! It'd be like,
1:28:14
family feuds weird, right? Um, how
1:28:17
when someone gives a bad answer, and the family's
1:28:19
like, Good answer! Good- like when you're like, jeez,
1:28:21
Uncle Chad really shit the bed here, but
1:28:23
you're like, Come on! Show me bike wheel! Chad's
1:28:26
right! That could be something you, you know, You
1:28:28
brushed your teeth with! Come on
1:28:30
Chad, you know, good answer! Good answer! Um,
1:28:32
that was the first thing. I'll tell you,
1:28:34
what I did, Family Feud, they tell you
1:28:36
to do that, obviously. Oh, that's right! I
1:28:38
forgot you did Family Feud! I know, it's
1:28:40
so crazy. But they were like, no matter
1:28:42
what, say a good answer. Now,
1:28:45
will you confirm for me something that I believe to
1:28:47
be true about Family Feud? As I've watched through every
1:28:49
host. Oh, yeah, I've stuck around. They
1:28:52
do a separate shot of you
1:28:54
circling up to steal, right?
1:28:57
An insert, you mean? Yes. Like, they have you
1:28:59
redo it? Well, they say to you
1:29:01
like, alright, we're gonna redo- that is- or
1:29:03
you do it live in the moment. It's
1:29:05
live in the moment. Wow, that's shocking. I
1:29:08
always thought that was a pickup. It's not a
1:29:10
pickup. Wow. Oh no, Steve
1:29:12
Harvey's not sticking around for pickup. Steve
1:29:16
Harvey was like, by the why
1:29:18
and goodbye was in his car. Which
1:29:21
is, I mean, respect. Of course.
1:29:24
The guy's cranking him out. Cranking. And
1:29:26
that was the end of a very long day and
1:29:28
Steve Harvey was a pro. I was gonna say they
1:29:30
probably do five a day or something. It wasn't- I
1:29:32
could tell it wasn't fun anymore. Look,
1:29:35
I never did anything like that, but the times
1:29:37
that I get like, it's not cute anymore. Like,
1:29:39
even when I did After Midnight yesterday, you know,
1:29:41
you get a sense. Like, is Taylor tired? Or
1:29:45
is it like- Yeah. Because when
1:29:47
I did the first time, it was very new. Yeah. And now
1:29:49
I'm like, oh, you've done 50 episodes. So they're
1:29:51
doing- so people are coming back for their second appearance
1:29:53
already. Exactly. Yeah. And some of us are
1:29:55
not going- that's interesting. I didn't know they were doing repeats. Have
1:30:00
you done it? No, no, no,
1:30:02
but it's great that they're you know that
1:30:04
there's this there's a very clear stable of
1:30:11
You know what I could do I could show up in my Pete
1:30:13
disguise I Beat
1:30:15
you up like you like you do when you beat
1:30:18
up the janitor and where they are great at it.
1:30:20
No baloney I'll tell
1:30:22
oh well, that'd be great. But no, I but I think yeah I
1:30:32
Was like it's Gareth Reynolds We're
1:30:36
gonna do I do slap stuff slapstick that's
1:30:38
what we she's a big slap Slapstick
1:30:42
slapstick. Yeah, very good
1:30:44
our opener slapstick Okay,
1:30:47
so what we're saying Oh family feud so Luke
1:30:49
can I tell you my one family feud thing
1:30:51
sure if I could redo it Yeah, listen to
1:30:54
the most ordinary person because Val
1:30:56
and I are the question that we lost
1:30:59
When I say ordinary, I mean the most in
1:31:01
touch. Yeah, right, right. Yeah, not show business jerk
1:31:03
Yeah, cuz they were like
1:31:05
the question was yes. Yeah, right
1:31:07
exactly. I'm like a Tesla charging
1:31:10
station Show
1:31:12
me first-class disposable slippers
1:31:19
Swag bag swag bag cheese
1:31:21
plate her dessert Show
1:31:25
me some oh, yeah Wine
1:31:28
chiller Dedicated
1:31:30
wine fridge hiking
1:31:33
human or a walk-in humid or
1:31:42
The most out of that is Fucking
1:31:44
oh god, that's ready for TV. They've
1:31:46
the wealthy's Well,
1:31:49
they thought family view. Yeah. Yeah. Well,
1:31:51
that was a butler without attitude Uber
1:31:55
helicopters Malibu
1:31:59
mudslides Weekly
1:32:02
haircut so it never looks like you just
1:32:04
got a haircut? Thai
1:32:07
food for lunch in the writer's room. Everybody
1:32:11
hates that. Your assistant's bonus! Oh, come
1:32:13
on! Who are you interviewing? Yeah,
1:32:16
okay, go ahead. What was it? Well, they
1:32:19
said, what is something women will do in a group?
1:32:29
But not alone
1:32:32
or something like that. And I think
1:32:35
my mother-in-law, who again, I'm saying this in
1:32:37
a good way, is the most in touch
1:32:39
with reality. She was always right. And
1:32:41
I was going for the most
1:32:44
logical, the most like, gotta be
1:32:46
this. I think I said, oh,
1:32:49
actually this kind of goes against our
1:32:51
riffs, because I said dance. Like
1:32:54
go out dancing. And
1:32:56
the answer was a spa day. So
1:32:59
it was kind of a fancy, but my mother-in-law was
1:33:01
saying spa day, like get your
1:33:03
nails done spa day sort of thing. Was that ever?
1:33:05
I thought that was too fancy. Was that ever in
1:33:07
the thing where everyone, because that's another thing I love
1:33:09
is when everyone's pitching up. Oh, that's
1:33:12
what it was. So she was picking up a
1:33:14
few of those. That's awkward. She was going spa
1:33:16
day. And you're going, I think that's dance. I
1:33:19
played it wrong. I was answering what
1:33:21
I would have answered if I were a
1:33:23
woman. But I'm not. And
1:33:26
I don't know what I'm talking about. And we
1:33:28
had a middle-aged
1:33:31
woman. Yeah. No,
1:33:33
that's the perfect like. And that's who they're
1:33:35
serving. That's what I do. Hold on. Pete
1:33:37
got this. Shut up. Shut
1:33:40
the fuck up. Uber helicopter. Eagle
1:33:42
egg omelet, Steve. Something you won't
1:33:44
do alone, but you'll do in
1:33:46
a group. I don't know. Release
1:33:49
one of your servants and hunt
1:33:51
them? Cold plunging. A
1:33:54
dedicated cold plunge. That's plugged
1:33:57
in year round at 30.
1:34:00
39 degrees, Steve! Hunting
1:34:02
your servants! Hunting your
1:34:04
servants is the deadliest game! Polishing
1:34:07
a crossbow! Show
1:34:10
me forgetting your butler's birthday!
1:34:13
Fox sheets! Good
1:34:16
God! Who did you talk to?
1:34:21
I don't know, being a poor! This
1:34:24
is ridiculous. Pete's given up. Pete's
1:34:27
done, I feel. Is there monocle falling
1:34:29
into your teacup? Oh God!
1:34:32
Monogram pajamas! A
1:34:34
cane you don't need! Decorative cane!
1:34:39
Slippers waiting for you on the floor
1:34:41
by your bed but you didn't put
1:34:43
them there? The
1:34:46
newspaper waiting in front of your door! This
1:34:48
is our first ever word count. It has
1:34:50
to be under five. Let me
1:34:53
look at the board! It's
1:34:55
not that big, guys. Something you
1:34:57
might get at the ballpark. An invitation
1:34:59
to the owner's box! Out
1:35:04
of touch celebrities doing family food.
1:35:06
I should have listened to my
1:35:09
mother-in-law. Okay,
1:35:12
so that was the first bit of the bomb.
1:35:14
Because I fucking forgot everything I'd written down. I
1:35:16
went to school for theater so I was like,
1:35:19
I tried to memorize it and then I got up
1:35:21
there and the nerves removed all the words. And I
1:35:23
eventually was like, hey, Louis Anderson! Oh
1:35:25
boy! But
1:35:28
I forgot Louis did it. Yeah!
1:35:30
It was a weird era. Yeah!
1:35:33
He wasn't the best at it. I'm a huge fan
1:35:35
but he wasn't the best at that. I love Louis.
1:35:37
You know, it's interesting because there's always... Look,
1:35:42
I'm not saying, oh, I don't know
1:35:44
how to do this in 2024. Reupholstered!
1:35:47
I don't want to get pre-canceled. I'm
1:35:49
just saying, family feud traditionally,
1:35:52
the host is a flirtatious kind of
1:35:54
sex symbol. And I'm not saying Louis
1:35:56
couldn't have done that. Yes. But
1:35:59
what I'm saying is... saying is Steve Harvey
1:36:01
does he was straight-up flirting with
1:36:03
my mother-in-law great host and So
1:36:06
were all the greats. I
1:36:08
mean maybe well Richard. I'm Richard. Khan was
1:36:10
also sort of sexless. No shot. Yeah here
1:36:12
now No
1:36:15
shots fired a car. That's fired. Come on.
1:36:18
The only thing you're making hard is that
1:36:20
hammer? Guy
1:36:25
not known for his sex
1:36:27
appeal. No But
1:36:30
but so then the first the first bit
1:36:32
that actually got some kind of traction I
1:36:34
think probably was The
1:36:36
dad joke bit that was the
1:36:38
first like it started so simple
1:36:40
and then I built and then
1:36:42
again It was when I left I stopped doing it
1:36:45
for like six or seven years Yes, and
1:36:47
then I eventually got you know had other bits
1:36:49
and I thought well I'll go back to and
1:36:51
I made it very absurd you attribute that to
1:36:53
any this is a leading question For
1:36:56
me I needed to do some growing and
1:36:58
some healing with my family before I felt
1:37:00
comfortable. I Not even
1:37:02
comfortable Assured in my
1:37:04
own independence enough to be like I think
1:37:07
my parents are fucking weird But
1:37:09
I couldn't do that when I was still on the
1:37:12
I felt okay I thought I mean I
1:37:14
my father was new I thought he was
1:37:16
a silly man But was
1:37:18
a great man so and I think his
1:37:20
also his love of comedy Made
1:37:23
me feel like he he doesn't
1:37:25
mind that it's about him So
1:37:28
what were what was your well? We talked about
1:37:30
this a little bit, but what were your like
1:37:32
first hits like when you started going
1:37:34
there's something here Yeah, what was the first
1:37:36
one? I was very generous for you to
1:37:39
turn this around on me, and I refused No, I
1:37:41
just talked for 45 minutes Of
1:37:43
the lights actually family Hello,
1:37:47
hello, kill his my cake my shirt
1:37:50
He needs his shirt back Now
1:37:53
I'll do it real quick the first bit that I was
1:37:55
like oh, I'm on to something was it's
1:37:57
very Seinfeld But I go do you think the phrase
1:37:59
spilled? beans originated in a situation
1:38:01
actually involving beans. Now if you
1:38:05
can go back to 2001. I
1:38:08
listen. Headberg. Yep. Like
1:38:10
this is the zeitgeist. That was like,
1:38:12
I'm not saying it was edgy. No.
1:38:15
But it's what we wanted. Yep. We
1:38:17
wanted like kind of. Part of the thing that's so strange is
1:38:19
how it changed. Yeah,
1:38:22
like you're saying, the now
1:38:24
comedy is like, shock us. Yeah,
1:38:26
that's the worst. Yeah. I
1:38:28
think I. I also think.
1:38:30
The crowd screams. Say it.
1:38:33
I have a joke where I imply the C
1:38:35
word, but I don't say it. Uh-huh. And
1:38:38
crowds, and I'm not mad at it. It's just a change.
1:38:40
Yeah. They scream, say it. As
1:38:42
if I wouldn't say it. I'm like, no.
1:38:44
Now I have a line where I go, no, the
1:38:47
joke is you guys thinking it. Yeah. Like
1:38:49
I have a save line. Yeah. But that's
1:38:51
become comedy. I'm not even mad at it. It's just interesting that it
1:38:53
was a spill the beans joke
1:38:55
was hot. And now it's like. Say
1:38:58
the C word. Yeah. Yeah.
1:39:01
Well, I think like when you think
1:39:03
about the way that you are trying
1:39:05
to drive people to watch your stuff,
1:39:07
you, you, it
1:39:09
is like you have to make it seem shocking.
1:39:11
You have to like, the thumbnail culture
1:39:14
is insane where it's just like, you won't
1:39:16
believe what man said. Like. You just
1:39:18
nailed it though. I actually think one of
1:39:20
the keys to longevity.
1:39:23
I just keep doubting
1:39:25
myself. I hate no words. Is
1:39:28
not mirroring what's happening in
1:39:31
the culture, like in the
1:39:33
taste of the day. Yeah.
1:39:36
It's making what you're doing
1:39:38
and have always been doing seem
1:39:41
like it's what the culture wants.
1:39:43
Yeah. But you've always been doing the
1:39:45
same thing, but I'm definitely doing that. Like comedy is more like,
1:39:48
oh, yeah, I'm still doing it. I'll just
1:39:51
like lean or present it a little bit
1:39:53
more like too hot for TV. Yeah. But
1:39:56
it's the same kind of stuff. No, it is.
1:39:58
I think it's, it's. It's really, well,
1:40:00
it's also weird to write, like,
1:40:03
I think to get someone to watch an hour of
1:40:06
your stuff now is so much
1:40:08
weirder. Yeah. Like, don't you? Like, I
1:40:11
think that it's like... Would you like
1:40:13
to scroll just me for an hour?
1:40:16
Like, that's what it feels like. Yeah. What
1:40:18
if Instagram was locked, your algorithm was just
1:40:20
me. Yeah. And every time you scrolled, it
1:40:22
was still me. Yeah. Being like, the other
1:40:24
thing about the post office. Like, that's kind
1:40:26
of how it feels. Yeah, I know. It
1:40:29
really does. I mean, it's like, I
1:40:32
don't know. I think I definitely
1:40:34
don't write towards
1:40:36
it as much, but you're very aware
1:40:38
of it. Yeah. And it is... But
1:40:40
it's funny, it is what you're doing.
1:40:42
I think your album, it's
1:40:46
almost like we listen to it differently. Yeah.
1:40:48
And you're going like, all birthday chicken.
1:40:51
Like, I love birds. I'm not shitting
1:40:53
on birds. I know,
1:40:55
guy that had a fucking birthday chicken. And now, oh,
1:40:57
now it's very of the day. What if that guy
1:40:59
was real? What if... Merry the
1:41:01
birthday chick, he shows up, he's
1:41:03
clucking. That guy
1:41:06
would get murdered so fast. That
1:41:08
guy would get murdered on the way to the house.
1:41:10
That guy wouldn't even make it to the kid's party at
1:41:12
this point. Party. I
1:41:16
just watched Vanity Fair, Bill Burr, reviewing
1:41:18
impressions of him. And they had emailed
1:41:21
me to approve a clip of
1:41:23
me, but I wasn't in the video. I watched
1:41:25
the video to see if I was in the
1:41:27
video. And I was like, what did he say?
1:41:29
What was he like, this one sucks, don't include
1:41:31
this one. This one's fucking blows. That's so funny.
1:41:34
Like, it's not even funny. So you approved it.
1:41:36
Get it out of here. Nah. Yeah. I passed
1:41:38
on him. Bill cut it. Yeah. That
1:41:40
one's just disrespectful. I
1:41:43
don't like it. But some of them were
1:41:45
so good. I mean, most of them were so
1:41:47
good. It's like Trump. It's like if it's not
1:41:49
top tier. No, I...
1:41:51
Well, by the way, when you...
1:41:53
Biden way. Biden way, which is
1:41:56
very... That's my LA. Biden's way. Biden's
1:41:58
way. steps to a
1:42:00
natural death. One. Biden
1:42:03
is living the end of Kill Bill 2, isn't he? I
1:42:06
could take five steps, guy. That's
1:42:09
it. I got five left. Dolly
1:42:11
man. Here he is. Hannibal Lecter made it to the state.
1:42:14
He did the lectern. Lecture? Lecture made
1:42:16
it to the lectern. I'll have ice cream on the lectern.
1:42:18
I have 25 of these left. So if there's a tax cut.
1:42:20
He's on what we call a move count. And
1:42:23
that is fine, and we all feel fine about it. No
1:42:30
doubt. What an absurd time. I know.
1:42:33
Third time. I know. And you
1:42:35
can't, it's just, I don't know. Kind of got to shut up a little bit,
1:42:37
right? I just walk away. I know. Somebody, I did,
1:42:39
the podcast never seen it and the host was telling me, he
1:42:41
was like, when it comes to politics, just say, and my views
1:42:43
are probably the same. I'm
1:42:46
not going to be able to say it, but I'm
1:42:48
going to be able to say it. They're
1:42:53
probably what you think they are based on looking
1:42:55
at me. That's pretty good. Isn't that good? Yeah.
1:42:58
I was like, I like that. Yeah.
1:43:00
Well, I mean, even like in the
1:43:02
special, I tried to like give
1:43:05
a point, but then I'm like, I think everyone's making that
1:43:07
point now. The point that, you
1:43:09
know, really doesn't seem like
1:43:11
the solutions are coming fast and
1:43:13
furious, our direction. And to some
1:43:16
extent, there's a bit of futility in the whole thing,
1:43:18
you know? I
1:43:21
compare America to late stage Elvis, you
1:43:23
know, where you're kind of like, Jesus Christ. Can
1:43:25
you get on stage tonight? Like, he's full of pills. He
1:43:29
just ate a ham and banana
1:43:31
sandwich. You are so right. And
1:43:33
why is the bloated, overdone,
1:43:36
over successful, like he got to
1:43:38
the altitude where he doesn't even
1:43:40
have to try anymore. It's
1:43:43
like a, we needed that image. Like what
1:43:46
a gift. The glasses. Yeah.
1:43:49
The glasses. Oh, man. The
1:43:51
sideburn. Well, it's also like as someone,
1:43:53
like when I, I'm sure both
1:43:55
of us, when you grow up, you
1:43:57
only knew that Elvis. Yeah. Like
1:44:00
when you actually go back you're like holy
1:44:02
shit. Can I say it's like our dads?
1:44:04
Yes We only knew very trying on the
1:44:07
toilet Elvis. Yes, and then you see a
1:44:09
photo of your young handsome dad And you're
1:44:11
like me. Oh, no That's
1:44:14
what I did with my I was like, oh Christ.
1:44:16
I looked I saw a picture of my dad at my age
1:44:19
now And I was like, oh no God
1:44:23
it's coming My
1:44:25
right now no shit talk was a little shit
1:44:27
talk, but my father-in-law always says to my brother-in-law
1:44:30
He's like when I was your age. I looked
1:44:32
like you You
1:44:35
should just blow dust Before
1:44:40
they knew a fat Aaron Paul was I was him.
1:44:43
Oh, no, there's just no way that
1:44:46
that's what What happened to our
1:44:48
dads is just like I I
1:44:50
don't know how my dad eats. I Don't
1:44:52
know how he eats I'm
1:44:55
gonna make a guess here. Okay Okay,
1:44:58
I guess I'll do the same If
1:45:01
you did a gas station and they have those
1:45:03
hosts. Oh, yeah in the wax You
1:45:12
know it would be so
1:45:14
interesting to do a study Like
1:45:19
are able to come back with some
1:45:21
sort of fact-finding on how Cuz
1:45:24
I don't think I remember Like
1:45:26
how am I I would love to I would guess
1:45:28
my father and I eat the same Which
1:45:30
is what like like my girlfriend
1:45:32
pointed out. She's like you wolf your food down
1:45:35
I do I eat it like and I was like, what are you
1:45:37
talking about? Yeah, and I bet you my dad
1:45:39
wolf sit down too. Oh, I'm sure I bet
1:45:41
it's I got that wolf in from but I don't
1:45:43
know. I don't remember being like dad. What's the rut?
1:45:45
I just now know that like like people will see
1:45:47
me be like buddy you Yeah,
1:45:50
you know rush. Yeah Let's
1:45:52
get out of here. Whatever. Are you late for a flight?
1:45:54
Oh, no What
1:45:56
are we doing? What is the point? You just
1:45:58
found out you're late for a job interview I'm
1:46:01
sorry, I'm hungry. Let's
1:46:04
go. Well, come on,
1:46:06
they got other people who want to be
1:46:09
here. Can I say a couple things? One,
1:46:11
I think my dad would eat a hostess
1:46:13
apple pie. And be like, it's apple. It's
1:46:16
like an apple. Life. And he would eat it.
1:46:18
And the American flag would flap behind him. I
1:46:22
also, Val and I love my
1:46:24
wife so much, you know Val, love
1:46:26
food so much that we're
1:46:28
actually distrustful of people.
1:46:31
Like we have two friends, we love
1:46:33
these friends. We love these friends. They're
1:46:35
unbelievable. Unbelievable friends. But
1:46:37
they don't eat. Like we'll
1:46:39
all have a burrito. Val
1:46:42
and I's burrito is gone like cone
1:46:44
head. Yep. Yep. The way you're supposed
1:46:46
to eat. Yes. You're
1:46:48
talking to Fat Aaron Paul, buddy. Come on. Unfappened.
1:46:51
Yeah. Fat Aaron
1:46:53
Paul, I know you know. Breaking fat. Yeah.
1:46:57
Breaking bread. Yeah, breaking bread.
1:46:59
I love you on breaking
1:47:01
bread. That's great. And
1:47:07
we're just in like an RV. And I'm like, I don't
1:47:09
know. These eyes are rolls are a little. Magnets
1:47:12
on the fridge, bitch. I
1:47:15
don't know. Remember when he said, man. I've
1:47:17
been trying to think of math at food. Blue.
1:47:22
Blue, I see. Anyway,
1:47:26
the two friends. So we'll eat the burrito cone head
1:47:28
style. And they will eat it.
1:47:33
They'll eat it like someone who
1:47:35
has a very serious terminal disease
1:47:37
that's making them nauseous. They'll
1:47:40
be like, they put
1:47:42
it down and take like a seven
1:47:44
minute break before bite number two. It's
1:47:47
crazy. And I actually get mad. Yeah.
1:47:50
Where I'm like. I'm mad. You're going to
1:47:52
eat it. Are they? And they do.
1:47:54
They do. OK. Because I'm in time. Sometimes
1:47:56
there's a good portion left. But I'm just
1:47:58
like, stop. What is this? editorial I Here's
1:48:01
what I don't like that for a couple of
1:48:03
reasons one because I do then I do know
1:48:05
that now that I have this complex I'm like
1:48:07
I did it again Yeah,
1:48:10
like I wolfed it down But what I don't
1:48:12
like about the fast eat with someone like that
1:48:14
is you ever have them do the thing where
1:48:16
they'll like Wrap half their burrito away
1:48:18
and save it for later basically going to you
1:48:20
like look fat air pull I
1:48:22
know you wolfed it this to us is
1:48:25
two meals But it's okay that
1:48:27
you cone-headed like that happens in
1:48:29
my life where I and I will genuinely be like
1:48:31
you call me fat That's what I'm
1:48:33
saying. You think I'm a fat piece of shit here.
1:48:35
You want to hear my defensive voice? Yeah, my protector
1:48:37
goes like you don't know how to live. Yeah. Yeah,
1:48:40
you don't know how to You
1:48:43
don't know joy You
1:48:45
don't know flavor much of this has been
1:48:47
told to them. None of them. Yes, it's
1:48:49
all in there That's what
1:48:51
I do too I still like having a
1:48:54
Meek sip from a pink tab
1:48:57
can I think my father
1:48:59
all but took me by the hand and
1:49:01
was like that's not living Yeah, as he
1:49:03
put his head under a cheese dispenser. They're
1:49:06
not even that way but like You
1:49:09
know Julia child said the the the
1:49:12
best people some quote like this is like the
1:49:14
most fun people Love to eat
1:49:17
I would like to hear you do that as
1:49:19
with your Oh Is
1:49:26
the best fat people love to
1:49:28
eat You
1:49:37
can go ahead and take yourself to go hi
1:49:41
See, I don't know what it is that I knew you
1:49:44
had a great one. I did that's a first I
1:49:47
do we did that I had that at a live dollop
1:49:49
show once where L I was all this other like I
1:49:51
have an Elmo There's sometimes
1:49:53
they just live inside. Yeah,
1:49:56
nothing makes me sadder the
1:49:59
first try impression And I'm not agreeing.
1:50:01
I don't think my Julia child was that great.
1:50:03
I think for as far as a first-timer tea
1:50:06
Come on. Yeah, come on. Come
1:50:08
on first try Pete No,
1:50:11
but when I do a great one and
1:50:13
it comes out perfectly Yeah, and then you
1:50:15
try to do it later and it just
1:50:17
does it's a heartbreaker that happens a heartbreaker
1:50:19
But we had Jonathan Kaidan and he taught
1:50:21
me how to do Giamatti, which is well,
1:50:23
well, well Always well, well,
1:50:25
pretty good. Yeah, only pretty good. Well, no, I
1:50:28
mean a pretty good tactic. Okay, Pete, please Thank
1:50:30
you. No, no, no, I'm just looking for honest
1:50:32
people. You have a lot of good impression You
1:50:35
have a lot of good impressions. Thanks man. A lot
1:50:37
of good impressions. A lot of good impressions. Julia child
1:50:39
among them But yeah, I've had
1:50:41
that where you all of a sudden like oh
1:50:43
my lord Yeah, a future and then you go
1:50:46
back you're like where with what? Yeah, where was
1:50:48
it spotlight was on? Yeah, that's me There's
1:50:50
some movie where they're opening the box and nothing's
1:50:52
in it. Mmm What's
1:50:55
that one called? You saw it So
1:50:59
it's pretty bad actually reminds me back
1:51:01
of Jake's movie at the end. There's
1:51:03
something in Jake's movie Yeah, we're at
1:51:05
the end. It's like was it real? Yeah
1:51:07
like that. Yeah, just trying to plug his movie
1:51:09
Yeah, Jake. What if you didn't like it? What
1:51:11
if you didn't like it great movie? Well, I
1:51:13
did like it thankfully and I'm not in it.
1:51:15
Did you go to Emerson? Yeah, and that's his
1:51:18
thing, isn't it? No, oh, what do you mean?
1:51:20
So right? Oh, yeah. Yeah. I'm confused. I had
1:51:22
a dentalist. No. Yeah Well again happens again, but
1:51:24
no anyway, my original point was you're not gonna
1:51:26
look like your dad. There's no way I don't
1:51:28
know your dad will but he's eating cupcakes in
1:51:30
a way that you're not I guarantee I think
1:51:33
I will Let me ask you this.
1:51:35
Are you ready? Yeah, you're wrong. Yeah, you ever have a
1:51:38
kale chip? You ever have one? Yeah, you ever eaten one?
1:51:40
Yeah, you're not gonna look like a dead. It
1:51:42
is true when I you know, what keen why is yes
1:51:45
I actually enjoy it. You think your dad
1:51:47
now? I know he doesn't do you
1:51:49
think your dad knows? There's more than one
1:51:51
color of pepper. No. Well, maybe but never
1:51:53
hasn't taste at all. Yeah Yeah,
1:51:55
my dad capsaicin to my father. He'd be like
1:51:57
a ship flipped. Yeah. No, there's
1:52:00
There's no, there's, uh, there's
1:52:02
no way. Are you aware that there's a proper amount
1:52:04
of water to drink in a day? Yes. You're
1:52:06
not going to look like you've done. Yes. Do
1:52:09
you ever go for a walk just because you're like, I haven't
1:52:11
moved enough today? Are you the health Jeff Foxworthy? Is
1:52:14
that what's happening? If you
1:52:16
have ever, at the
1:52:18
end of the day, said, you
1:52:20
know what, I haven't moved very much,
1:52:22
and you go for a
1:52:24
brisk walk, you're
1:52:26
not going to look like
1:52:28
your father. If you recognize
1:52:31
the difference between broccoli and
1:52:33
broccolini, you ain't going
1:52:35
to look like your father. If you had
1:52:37
soup out of a bread bowl, but
1:52:39
not eating the bread bowl, you're
1:52:42
not going to look like your father. If
1:52:44
you recognize dinner should come
1:52:47
two hours at minimum before
1:52:49
bed, you're not going to look
1:52:51
like your father. If you know
1:52:54
hot lemon water is a great
1:52:56
way to jumpstart your digestive system.
1:53:00
If you believe Hershey is only
1:53:03
a city. If
1:53:07
you know Hershey first and foremost
1:53:09
as a place in Pennsylvania. As
1:53:11
a town. You
1:53:13
are not going to look
1:53:16
like your father could die.
1:53:22
If you have squash and it's not
1:53:24
Thanksgiving, you're not going
1:53:26
to look like your father. Oh
1:53:29
my god. That's heaven. You're definitely
1:53:31
not though. I mean, there's just- Well, I, you
1:53:33
know, not that there's anything wrong. These
1:53:36
are people that have taken the fucking safety off.
1:53:38
You know what I'm saying? Yeah, for sure. Without
1:53:40
question. I don't know your dad. I'm just saying
1:53:42
all of them. Well, I think to some extent
1:53:45
living out here, that is almost, to
1:53:47
your family feud point, you start to go, oh,
1:53:50
vegetables. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Can't be
1:53:52
good. Yeah, yeah. And I enjoy
1:53:54
them. For my dad, peas are
1:53:56
a butter delivery system. It's
1:53:59
like- much butter can we get
1:54:01
on real you guys spit out the peas
1:54:03
like sunflower seed shells the
1:54:08
bad part
1:54:10
butter delivery
1:54:12
he's in it for
1:54:14
the butter yeah I know we're
1:54:16
coastal elites yeah my dad is
1:54:19
coastal but you know and
1:54:21
in his circle he is sort of
1:54:23
like the healthy yeah fancy boy
1:54:25
yeah then he comes out here has no clue
1:54:28
yeah one time and I really love
1:54:30
my dad but I was cutting an avocado as if
1:54:33
this is a horrible story and I just you know
1:54:35
you hold an avocado in your hand then you put
1:54:37
the knife in and my dad goes like
1:54:39
Jesus Pita cuz he doesn't know there's
1:54:41
a pit and
1:54:43
that is why I'm
1:54:46
not gonna look like my father oh
1:54:55
my god let's
1:54:57
bring it in all right boy
1:55:00
I've laughed so much well you're a pleasure I
1:55:02
know that you're a first time I'm the first
1:55:05
time we met up I was
1:55:07
like oh my god we're all right now
1:55:09
I know and we should be friends well
1:55:11
we are but yeah we should be going
1:55:13
over here always I feel like you're always
1:55:15
touring and I am you don't ever twist
1:55:18
in your belly when I say that no
1:55:20
no no I hate people say that no
1:55:22
no no I fully recognize that my reality
1:55:24
is on the road and true but
1:55:27
yeah this you drive to LAX I
1:55:29
you know I fly less and less oh
1:55:32
you drive I drive a big white weird
1:55:34
van pretty much everywhere to my shows I've
1:55:36
stopped I've had so many bad incidents flying
1:55:39
that I am just like I don't I try
1:55:41
it's not people think it sounds insane yeah and
1:55:43
it does but I pretty much
1:55:45
right now do one-nighters my
1:55:48
agents oh I loved the great
1:55:50
TJ Mark Walter he will book me on runs
1:55:53
and I drive to all of them and I bang the shows
1:55:55
out in like two or three weeks and then I get to
1:55:57
come home for like a week and then I go off and
1:55:59
kind Do some version of again
1:56:01
that my podcast tours too. So it's like
1:56:03
I'm gone pretty much you are gonna all
1:56:05
the time So it's not really I wouldn't
1:56:08
know I think that no, well, I
1:56:11
I think To your point
1:56:13
as well, like, you know, like I'm in the phase.
1:56:15
We're like, yeah, I gotta go grind it out a
1:56:17
little bit more But no, it's not us. I'm never
1:56:19
home and when I'm home Well, that's true But it's
1:56:21
also not true because I remember when we did who
1:56:24
here is helping who who here is helping who?
1:56:26
Yep Yep, that's when you
1:56:28
pick up the A&W phone. That's what the answer was I
1:56:33
love this job so much. Here's helping. Oh Sure,
1:56:36
I'll bring that to you. But just be clear you're
1:56:38
helping me. Yeah, we're here to help Here
1:56:41
to help. It's no disrespect Jake.
1:56:43
Jake Johnson Gareth Reynolds. We're here to help
1:56:46
Jake Johansson close Jack Johnson
1:56:48
better Hawaiian guitar hero and fatter and
1:56:50
Paul and fat Aaron Paul have a
1:56:52
podcast called Who can
1:56:54
we help? We're here to help who's
1:56:57
that we're here to help go
1:56:59
ahead Help. Yep. Yep. Go ahead When
1:57:05
we did it I said How
1:57:07
much bread do you guys pull in and I'm not trying
1:57:10
to be go shoot? We have a not sponsor I'm not
1:57:12
gonna say whom that's what you're talking about. What's that? We
1:57:14
have a bread sponsor. Oh, do you? Yeah But
1:57:17
I was like, this is a popular show you must
1:57:19
be doing okay ish from the pod and then Jake
1:57:21
was like Yeah, and
1:57:23
I was like the Gareth touring all the time
1:57:25
and he kind of alluded to you maybe having
1:57:27
a little of the Leno disease Where
1:57:30
you're like, I'm never gonna cars. Oh,
1:57:33
no, not car hilarious
1:57:35
denim Sponsorship
1:57:40
with Doritos, that's awkward What
1:57:44
that I Mean
1:57:50
how many people remember that time
1:57:52
look Richard Lewis boat away and
1:57:57
Time when if you did a commercial
1:58:00
No, it's not. I never watch commercials
1:58:02
and you'll be watching and you're like,
1:58:04
oh my God, Jack Nicholson is hawking
1:58:07
like fucking apnea machines. Who
1:58:09
cares? But there was a time
1:58:11
that if you did a commercial, that was you
1:58:13
and it was you forever. And Leno did those
1:58:15
in like 1989. Yeah,
1:58:18
he's like, I mean, what are these? Crunchy da crispy? Is it a little
1:58:20
cheddar cheesy? I don't know. Yeah, it was like that.
1:58:22
He's like, cool ranch? What is that? Just a chill farmer? Come
1:58:25
on, that's crazy. Not Joe Cheese. Who's
1:58:27
cheese is it? I'll tell you who's cheese it is. Yeah,
1:58:29
it was like that. And I don't
1:58:31
know they were rolling. They just gave him
1:58:33
the bag. Wow. Triangles.
1:58:36
Who knew I wanted to use triangles? I didn't have
1:58:38
any idea that I would be a sosceles man. I
1:58:46
tell you, put sauce on these. I saw the leaves. Not
1:58:48
your cheese. That's quite a flavor. I'll be checking
1:58:50
the back of the bag here. There's got to
1:58:52
be a catch. Somebody put sauce on these. I
1:58:54
saw the leaves. Somebody
1:58:57
put some sauce on these. He finished eating and he
1:58:59
goes, I saw all these. That's
1:59:03
where the flavor came from. I
1:59:05
saw all these and the bag's done. Don't mind
1:59:08
if I put them in. By the way, what kind of triangles are these? Equilateral?
1:59:20
Are they? I saw all these triangles. I
1:59:24
mean, I'm definitely not right trying.
1:59:26
I'm going to say they are. I don't
1:59:28
think they are. I think they are.
1:59:31
I think they're I saw. Yeah. Are
1:59:34
you googling? What kind of triangles? This is
1:59:36
going to be where Google's going to be like, nobody's ever asked
1:59:39
this. Just
1:59:41
so you know, this is we're not
1:59:43
a 404 page. Not a lot of
1:59:45
searching. We can really enjoy your bath.
1:59:47
Not too many sober people. A sleepy
1:59:51
Tuesday. Are you googling? Are you
1:59:53
Jay Leno? Is it a
1:59:55
Reddit thread? Of course. Well,
2:00:00
it's okay. Well as long as we're both right
2:00:02
there. I saw some that's right I
2:00:06
put that on me and that's the chef. He I saw all these
2:00:09
That's crazy But
2:00:14
wait to answer your question which Katie can't
2:00:16
do because now she's on Really
2:00:21
Why are you disappointed? Why
2:00:23
do you sound like I'm saying? I don't
2:00:26
know how okay firm it all right But
2:00:29
it sounds like you wanted peace I
2:00:31
thought I thought all these
2:00:33
I thought police Everybody was done. He put a little
2:00:35
paintbrush and not your teeth on him and they go
2:00:37
I don't know. I mean I thought all these So
2:00:42
that's done it's what I'm concerned it's a
2:00:44
delicious triangle triangle What
2:00:50
I like about what you're doing and I don't
2:00:53
know if you mean it is that
2:00:55
Jay Leno doesn't know What is a lot
2:00:57
of that is what I'm doing Jay
2:01:00
Leno is saying that the chef says I saw
2:01:02
solvies and then when he looks at him and
2:01:04
notices their triangles He doesn't make the connection that
2:01:06
they are I saw solvies. Yes, that is what
2:01:08
I'm going What
2:01:19
are they equal edibles what
2:01:22
kind of how many kinds of triangles are there two,
2:01:24
right? I
2:01:26
know I'll tell you I've never said
2:01:28
the one that's got a weird name. I can't remember what kind it is
2:01:32
Sounds like a Greek God. It's just
2:01:34
lispy Mark Norman. That's what it is
2:01:36
that I have definitely over I think
2:01:39
I've over done the list. No, I'm
2:01:41
not eating. Oh, yeah, he's eating A
2:01:44
little bit of that makes it harder to say the essence
2:01:48
Doritos I've
2:01:50
got a th at the end Three
2:01:53
dots Doritos, what
2:01:55
are those? We're
2:02:01
just gonna release this episode every week for
2:02:05
the rest of the show. I
2:02:07
really can't wait to see week two's ratings. And
2:02:10
the sponsors will be like, hey
2:02:12
Pete, email is back. Make
2:02:15
it soon. Can
2:02:17
we talk? Well
2:02:20
that kind of brings us back to
2:02:22
the, I'm wondering if your, Jay Leno
2:02:24
famously doesn't know. Oh. Doesn't
2:02:28
coast. Are you like a real
2:02:30
workhorse? You're like, yes. You have two hit
2:02:32
podcasts. Yeah, I
2:02:35
think that. And you're like, I don't
2:02:37
go out every week. I just
2:02:39
think that I, I would say
2:02:41
I still,
2:02:43
and it might, this could be to what
2:02:45
you're talking about, this compulsion could be, this
2:02:47
could be a long yes. But
2:02:50
to me, I go, I go, it's all worth
2:02:52
thinking about. I
2:02:56
don't want to let it go either. It's all I want to do. We're
2:02:58
going to need to move forward. It's all I want to do
2:03:00
too. I want to keep, that's all I
2:03:03
want to do. So let's just call it
2:03:05
out. It is what it is. It's
2:03:08
got it. Everyone needs
2:03:10
to know we will
2:03:12
cover other subjects, but
2:03:14
it will be at our behalf. Yes. It
2:03:17
is merely because there is a format, you know
2:03:19
what I mean? We have to keep to the
2:03:21
format. Life is time. Time moves. We must. If
2:03:25
you think for one second, then when I go,
2:03:27
oh, I had a big
2:03:29
work ethic. Every
2:03:32
part of me wants to U-turn the
2:03:34
semi truck, like the dark knight, flip
2:03:36
it over and just go, I
2:03:38
saw it. I saw it. When he's done
2:03:40
with them, that's just a shit, they should be a little
2:03:42
shit for every bag. And that's what he says. Hey, are
2:03:44
they done? Yeah, of course they are. I saw all these.
2:03:48
What do you call these things? Squares? What
2:03:50
do they call? You don't just
2:03:53
know. Rhombuses. He doesn't know
2:03:55
that. Someone cut
2:03:57
a rhombus in half. What do you call that?
2:04:02
He's never heard the term I say!
2:04:05
No, that's what the chef said, that's not a triangle. Triangle?
2:04:08
No, T-R-I-that's a triangle.
2:04:12
By the way, you want to try a new angle? Try one
2:04:14
of these. Cool Ranch. That's
2:04:16
a new triangle. Go for it. Tri-angle!
2:04:19
Tri-angles? What?
2:04:21
I'm up on stage, I'm trying angles! Meet
2:04:25
Doritos backstage, he saws all of them. But,
2:04:30
okay. But... Well,
2:04:35
I would be curious of your take on this, too,
2:04:37
because I definitely go... I go, it's all
2:04:40
we want to do. I might honestly be showing
2:04:42
up to shows as Jay Leno, just doing Doritos
2:04:44
stuff. I literally
2:04:46
might. I'm with you. I'm with you in the
2:04:49
room now. What do you... I
2:04:55
really... I'm trying to break
2:04:57
my stand up into a
2:04:59
thing that... You
2:05:02
know, like, that cracks like a
2:05:04
chip. I'd
2:05:12
love to meet the chef. You
2:05:15
gotta shake that guy's hand. This
2:05:18
one doesn't have a lot of stuff on it. I don't know why I would,
2:05:20
and I thought all these. All right. Good
2:05:23
for you. But
2:05:27
how do you, Pete? Because you, yourself,
2:05:29
are a very successful man. I've
2:05:32
gotta say, the fact that there is upper lip sweat
2:05:34
is awesome. That's how
2:05:36
I know we're really... we're coming. That's
2:05:39
why I grow the facial hair. Why
2:05:41
is the AC on 73? I
2:05:48
keep going just because I want to have
2:05:50
like... In my career, I've had
2:05:52
times where I'm like, oh, I'm doing good.
2:05:55
And then I take my foot off the... and then that thing goes
2:05:57
away, and then I go, I got nothing. Which is why I went
2:05:59
into... Like when you're talking about mancations,
2:06:01
which was my travel show. Yeah, we did one
2:06:03
season They fucked it all up and
2:06:06
then I was like, oh this thing that I'm like, oh this
2:06:08
will do a hundred episodes of this We did 13 of and
2:06:10
that was it. Yeah, and so I was like kind of left
2:06:12
high and dry so I think I have this compulsion to Make
2:06:16
sure that there's always something
2:06:19
coming and and I
2:06:21
do think to a fault maybe But
2:06:24
I also am like I want to record my next hour once
2:06:26
I have my next hour recorded You know then I could take
2:06:28
a little bit of but then I'll be back at but then
2:06:30
I'm writing like we you know There's all
2:06:32
these things going on and I think it
2:06:34
is partially just because you're like in this
2:06:36
business you can You
2:06:39
can lose those things and then you can don't
2:06:41
do it. Don't would you do it? So we're
2:06:43
both do it Okay,
2:06:51
you gotta answer now Yeah,
2:06:58
I Love
2:07:00
another shot Do you have
2:07:02
any new stuff now? It's still pretty much the I saw the
2:07:04
least bit. Well, it's funny, but it's
2:07:07
like We're
2:07:09
in the slapstick zone. Oh, yeah, we're it
2:07:12
stops me. Yeah, honey and then it returns.
2:07:14
I think we get the return Ideally, we
2:07:16
get the return we get the return. I
2:07:18
think we get the return. I'm so with
2:07:20
you What's what's funny is I won't
2:07:22
mention who it is, but there's a comedian I know and
2:07:25
we're both like Spiritually minded and all that
2:07:27
sort of stuff So we're always kind of like trying
2:07:29
not to take show business too seriously And
2:07:31
then let's just say like then that person
2:07:34
has a new thing and it hits Yeah,
2:07:36
and then you call them on the phone
2:07:38
and now all of a sudden maybe they
2:07:40
don't want to move to Greece Yeah, and
2:07:42
just kind of whittle. Mm-hmm and like The
2:07:45
the trope of the cowboy who's like
2:07:47
let's it's in red red dead to
2:07:50
one more job and then we'll move to
2:07:52
Cuba Yeah, we know that it's like why
2:07:54
do we know that that's like mythically true?
2:07:56
Yeah, so it's actually I'm checking myself
2:07:58
after I've wrecked myself as is
2:08:00
my way, is I'm like, Garret, why don't
2:08:02
you calm down? And I'm
2:08:05
like, I'm also not calm.
2:08:07
Well, what you have different
2:08:09
than I have is you have more stuff
2:08:12
in town. And I'm not,
2:08:14
I want to get, my goal is to
2:08:16
half the gigs for twice the money. And
2:08:19
I'm in the process where I'm still
2:08:22
kind of trying to cultivate that. And,
2:08:24
but that is what I want. Still be busy. Still,
2:08:27
you know, probably be like I could, you
2:08:29
know, not do as, but if I
2:08:32
can do it at home, that's
2:08:34
really what I want. And you know what?
2:08:37
I'm older than you. No.
2:08:40
Aren't I? Not much. I'm
2:08:42
44. Tell your
2:08:45
face. Stop it. Well,
2:08:50
who cares? I do. I know,
2:08:52
but. No, I'm just kidding. I
2:08:54
just feel, I don't want to go into it. I
2:08:56
don't have advice for you. I'm just saying, I think
2:08:59
it's noble to be doing whatever
2:09:01
we're doing with some sort of end game.
2:09:04
Like my goal is I'd
2:09:06
like to sell more shows,
2:09:10
make more shows. And I'm like, I think
2:09:12
that would get me to this level where
2:09:14
we could maybe change the podcast in this
2:09:17
way and change my life in that way.
2:09:19
And, but it's always in the service
2:09:22
of more time. Yeah. At
2:09:24
home. With my
2:09:27
family. Yeah. And
2:09:29
more, just more control because
2:09:32
like, I get very worked up about the
2:09:34
I Love Lucy movie, the one with Nicole
2:09:36
Kim. And she's like, I just want a
2:09:38
family and a simple life. And I'm like,
2:09:40
shut the fuck up. No, you don't. Like,
2:09:43
no, you don't. Or you could do that.
2:09:45
And that's what makes that movie so compelling
2:09:47
is we're all I love Lucy's. And just
2:09:49
like the candy conveyor belt, we're like, but
2:09:51
it keeps coming. Meaning Tolkien was right. No
2:09:53
one can handle money or power. So
2:09:56
we'd all do well to know
2:09:58
that we're doing a pretty hard time. drug and
2:10:00
to at least be
2:10:03
conscious of it. When we're doing it, be conscious
2:10:05
of it and also be grateful for it. It's
2:10:08
not a bad drug. It's
2:10:10
just a strange addiction. I just enjoy it too
2:10:12
in a way. Enjoy it? Yeah.
2:10:16
I think that all the time. Like
2:10:19
I said, I'm driving in a van. There's
2:10:21
certainly moments when I'm like, but when I
2:10:23
go and do shows. You love it. I
2:10:26
love it. I still love doing shows.
2:10:28
Me too. I appreciate doing
2:10:30
it. You know what I mean? I'm so
2:10:32
grateful for it. Like I said, sorry, I
2:10:35
just did it yesterday though. I was doing
2:10:37
After Midnight yesterday and I'm doing a Netflix
2:10:39
show today, like a live cooking
2:10:41
show. Oh, that's great. And
2:10:43
yeah, these are great things. You've workshopped the Julia Childs.
2:10:46
We're ready. Well, I could
2:10:48
step in just for a moment. I
2:10:51
do believe that you could actually make it.
2:10:53
I crashed the set as I saw Celine's
2:10:55
Jay Leno. Jesus. I
2:10:59
thought security's got me. I thought about it.
2:11:01
Can I just say it's been a good,
2:11:04
I feel like seven years since I've been
2:11:06
like, we have to make a t-shirt. You
2:11:08
have to make I saw Celine's, I saw
2:11:10
Sawbean. Just
2:11:14
for me. Like would sell too. Me
2:11:17
and you. God damn it.
2:11:19
Life can be so fun. Yeah. But
2:11:22
I'm really grateful to and oh, when I was
2:11:24
doing After Midnight, I was like doing something before
2:11:26
each of those things. And it was
2:11:28
like a zero on the
2:11:30
nerves. And I was like,
2:11:33
that's an incredible, that's the
2:11:35
precious jewel that I am the
2:11:37
most grateful for is any ability
2:11:39
to normalize kind of a strange
2:11:41
life. And I won't
2:11:43
think about that show, not a brag.
2:11:46
It's an appreciation until I get there. And
2:11:49
I didn't think about this podcast until I got here.
2:11:51
I mean, I listened to the record on the way in,
2:11:53
but I know you and whatever. What I'm saying is like,
2:11:56
that's the thing I'm most grateful for. Yes.
2:11:59
And go and do shows. and
2:12:01
not be nervous. When I think back on when
2:12:03
I was starting, and
2:12:05
I'd be dry heaving before shows, doing
2:12:07
10 minutes as the MC and I'm
2:12:10
dry heaving, I really felt like something
2:12:12
was trying to kill me. That's when
2:12:14
it gets so addictive. Because
2:12:16
you've pushed through. Yeah, when you've, I mean, that's
2:12:18
what I've always said to, there
2:12:21
is the thing of you find your voice and how to write
2:12:23
for yourself, but you know that
2:12:25
you'll get there once you've broken
2:12:28
through the part where it's bad
2:12:30
and it's hard to do. And
2:12:32
it's hard, you're not representing what
2:12:36
you want to say. And when you get to
2:12:38
the point where you're like, oh, I make discoveries
2:12:40
on stage, that's where you're like,
2:12:42
oh shit, now this is like a science. And
2:12:45
you've taken out the grind to
2:12:47
a certain extent. When we were young, I remember
2:12:49
meeting with, we tried to make it fun and
2:12:51
go to a bar and Kumail and I, we
2:12:53
did it once. We met to write
2:12:56
together and you're just like, we
2:12:59
both stink, we can't even do this. You
2:13:02
just ended up drinking and fucking off. And
2:13:05
now to be like, ah, it's
2:13:07
just, I'm with you,
2:13:09
it's funny, in my asking, there
2:13:11
is a selfish part where I'm like, I'd love to have
2:13:13
you around more. And I
2:13:15
feel like you're on your way, dialing that in,
2:13:17
getting those levels just right. Yeah,
2:13:21
I mean, I think as you probably
2:13:23
know as well, it's so hard to
2:13:25
know where you're at with your own
2:13:27
career to some extent. Well,
2:13:29
I think maybe that's what I'm getting at. Is
2:13:31
I'm looking at your career and I think maybe this
2:13:34
might surprise you as I'm like, two
2:13:36
really big shows, that's
2:13:38
huge. Yeah, I'm like,
2:13:40
so there's a tipping point thing. But
2:13:42
I still think, and I appreciate that
2:13:45
and I'm very, very thankful for that
2:13:47
without question. I mean, those are, all
2:13:49
the things I do are things that
2:13:51
I do. I
2:13:53
have my booking agent who's the
2:13:56
helper, but then outside of that,
2:13:58
there's not a tremendous amount of like. Hey,
2:14:00
do you want to do this? I don't
2:14:02
get those and those are the things where
2:14:04
I really am like Yeah, once I start
2:14:06
getting those like again, I mean I've sold
2:14:08
like shows and stuff, but I don't have
2:14:11
someone going Hey, they want you to do
2:14:13
that. Yeah, I kind of waiting for that
2:14:15
weird anointment in a way Here's what I
2:14:17
okay just a little bit. Yeah, I'm so
2:14:19
much older than you Stupid
2:14:26
a show Such
2:14:30
rare error. I
2:14:32
just want to say that what you're
2:14:35
talking about This is self-serving, but it's
2:14:37
actually to make you feel good. Okay,
2:14:39
somebody was like It's
2:14:41
just like a thing Oh Pete's Batman. Mm-hmm. But
2:14:44
when we were doing those videos, I was like Frustrated
2:14:47
a little bit. Yeah, no one knows that's
2:14:49
me right. So I have a very remarkable
2:14:54
Tipping point where I'm like, when will
2:14:56
people go that's Pete and
2:14:59
it happened. Yeah, and it happened Imperceptively
2:15:03
just doing exactly what you're doing. Yeah, that's an
2:15:05
absurd right specific way of me saying I'll
2:15:08
give you the advice Conan gave me O'Brien.
2:15:12
Oh, okay. Not the barbarian. Oh, good
2:15:14
Lord stab him It's
2:15:17
really not applicable to this audition. I don't
2:15:19
know if that's a good note No
2:15:22
one finds this funny, okay, but you might
2:15:25
yeah, there's I rewatch Conan the barbarian. Okay,
2:15:27
I was stoned Sure, I thought I didn't
2:15:29
end up enjoying it But I made it
2:15:31
to his origin story Right and they find
2:15:33
this brute and they train him and they
2:15:36
make him push like a log, you know
2:15:38
Yeah the leg in a circle and look
2:15:40
at his strength and his muscles and they
2:15:42
keep him in a cage and it gets
2:15:44
Problematic because they open the cage and they
2:15:47
throw a woman a naked woman into the
2:15:49
cage I know we grew up in
2:15:51
the 80s and there was just a time when that was just
2:15:53
like Page
2:15:56
nine tits and then we keep moving story story
2:15:58
story They were
2:16:00
the most gratuitous naked boobs ever.
2:16:03
And also just the setup that he's
2:16:05
a beast. Talk about like a perverse
2:16:07
male animal fantasy that they give him
2:16:09
his food and they give him his
2:16:11
women. But like, I'm
2:16:14
thinking this is gonna be a save the cat moment, cause they,
2:16:17
I don't know if they push the naked woman.
2:16:19
Okay, so I've, I
2:16:23
don't think the cat gets saved. I
2:16:26
don't remember there being a push. I know, dark
2:16:29
topic noted. We're just talking
2:16:32
about Conan the Barbarian. I'm
2:16:34
reporting the news. Right, yeah, right.
2:16:36
She's encouraged
2:16:39
into the cage. And
2:16:43
then Conan, cause you're like, this is
2:16:45
Schwarzenegger. This is, this became
2:16:47
a politician. Can't be, he can't just be
2:16:49
having sex with this
2:16:52
situation. So he gets up
2:16:54
and he puts a blanket around her. And I'm like,
2:16:56
there it is. There's the save the cat
2:16:58
moment. Then he leads her over to the
2:17:00
bed. No, no, no, the cat. They're down.
2:17:03
The cat. Takes
2:17:06
the blanket off of her. Oh
2:17:10
my God. What? You
2:17:13
think, like I'm looking
2:17:15
at it with a modern eye. Of course
2:17:17
you can't have the hero of the movie
2:17:19
in this situation, but they're like, what if
2:17:21
he warms her on the way to the
2:17:23
bed? Yeah, the director's like, all right, fine.
2:17:25
We'll cut it. Throw
2:17:27
a blanket over her shoulders. Arnold, really
2:17:30
pound when it
2:17:32
goes. Yeah, yeah, hold on. They can bring it in a
2:17:34
banky or something. All right, we're
2:17:36
rolling guys. Maybe
2:17:39
if I put a blanket on
2:17:41
her shoulders, I'll look more likable.
2:17:44
I mean, either way, yeah, fine. Do
2:17:46
it, do one for you. Let's just say, Ian, it
2:17:49
was the one take. Yeah. Oh
2:17:51
my God. You're cold. I just think
2:17:53
maybe if I'm concerned about her, about
2:17:56
how cold she is, and
2:17:58
then we make passes up. Yes,
2:18:00
okay. All right fine one bit the blanket there
2:18:02
you are so cold now
2:18:05
woman I just met Good
2:18:10
I hate it. I don't hate that. I don't
2:18:12
know why we'll drop the audio Woman
2:18:18
I just met we fuck they've
2:18:21
dropped the audio. Okay, you can lip read
2:18:24
Anyway, I didn't mean to code instead There's
2:18:28
a show businesses like 3,000
2:18:31
musicians in the same room and he's like all you
2:18:33
can do is just keep hitting your triangle and
2:18:36
he's like but don't change instruments and Don't
2:18:38
try to keep up with everybody or the
2:18:41
guy over here with a bassoon and he's
2:18:43
playing the drums Yeah, just keep hitting your
2:18:45
triangle and eventually because of the consistency The
2:18:48
sound will emerge from the cacophony and you'll go
2:18:50
what is that? I've been hearing that sound It's
2:18:53
it's the same advice and I'm not giving you this advice.
2:18:55
No, I Good Jim Gavigan said
2:18:57
be undeniable. But the way we do that is
2:18:59
like you just keep It's
2:19:01
not grinding. Do you keep following
2:19:03
your bless? He can't all in what's funny to
2:19:06
you and you keep doing it It's also Bill
2:19:08
Burr's advice keep your head down was what he
2:19:10
said to me He's like keep your head down
2:19:12
and then for me the marker was eventually and
2:19:14
I don't remember when or why it happened But
2:19:16
at some point people went that's Pete. Yeah, this
2:19:18
Pete it is interesting. I think
2:19:20
I think that's I feel like yeah I mean, I
2:19:22
feel like To
2:19:24
some extent I feel very lucky
2:19:27
To be able to be in the zone where
2:19:30
I can I feel confidence in the triangle Yes,
2:19:33
but you know, I would like for
2:19:35
someone to be like wow, that's consistently good But
2:19:37
I yeah to get to that point where you
2:19:40
have that I mean to me like
2:19:42
that is a win You know without question. I
2:19:44
feel lucky for all the things that you cited
2:19:46
and Yeah, but
2:19:48
I think you're very close for what it's worth. Well, that's
2:19:50
you know And then it's
2:19:53
then what I would take from my previous
2:19:55
thing that that Meaning my
2:19:57
line of questioning was like and then how do we
2:20:00
Yes. Prune it. What
2:20:02
it is, is a cake on top of a cake.
2:20:04
It's an incredible cake that you get to be a
2:20:07
comedian. And then a lot of people, I don't
2:20:09
think build the second cake, which is like, how
2:20:11
do I have this cake be just a part
2:20:13
of my life? And there'll be a second cake,
2:20:16
which is living and enjoying
2:20:18
a balanced life. And that's true
2:20:20
for any pursuit and any hobby
2:20:22
or passion. When you throw so
2:20:24
much at a thing for so
2:20:26
long, then... And
2:20:28
I think to your point earlier too, when you're
2:20:30
surrounded by everyone else kind of competing at
2:20:33
that thing, it does
2:20:35
become hard. But
2:20:38
I definitely am like one more and then I
2:20:41
want to go to Cuba. But you're right, it'll
2:20:43
probably end up being a lesser version. But I
2:20:45
think the version I have now is totally insane
2:20:48
to some extent. Double the money for half the shows?
2:20:50
Well, I mean, that's what I want. But right now,
2:20:52
it's double the shows
2:20:54
for half the money in my plan. So
2:20:56
to get there, I do go,
2:20:58
well, yeah, there is a real grind to what
2:21:01
I'm doing now. But I do think when I
2:21:03
get to that point, I'll be like, okay. And
2:21:06
again, I still think, unfortunately, no matter what
2:21:08
I do, my legacy has
2:21:10
been on this show and it
2:21:13
is I SAWS ALL THESE. I
2:21:17
don't think it gets better for me, to be honest.
2:21:19
I don't think I have. I think I saw SAWS
2:21:21
ALL THESE, WHO'S ON FIRST? I
2:21:24
don't know if there's coming back from that to be. Doritos!
2:21:28
I SAWS ALL THESE, I SAWS ALL THESE. I
2:21:30
think it's over. I think
2:21:33
that's a big shirt thing. I think that's it. Doritos,
2:21:35
I SAWS ALL THESE. I was going to say, I
2:21:37
was going to say, I think you want him like
2:21:39
either in a chef hat or something like that on
2:21:41
the bag or something. We're
2:21:45
going to make it. Yeah, I think I think I have
2:21:48
to. We're definitely making it. I have to. I SAWS ALL
2:21:50
THESE, I SAWS ALL THESE. I can't. It'll be.
2:21:52
It's like that's an email where people will
2:21:54
be like, boy, he's replying quick. He's
2:21:57
really weighing in fast and furious.
2:22:03
Thank you for the thank you. You are
2:22:05
a pleasure. I appreciate it all.
2:22:07
Yeah, we're gonna be pals. We are we are
2:22:09
pals and we'll switch outfits after this and we'll
2:22:11
switch outfits. No, no, no, no,
2:22:13
no notice. Can
2:22:16
you remember I mean it seems
2:22:19
silly on this podcast we laughed I
2:22:21
laughed harder than I've laughed in a very long time. That
2:22:23
sounds sad in a very
2:22:26
long time. But like you have
2:22:28
a great hardest laugh story. That's usually the
2:22:30
last question we have. Yeah, it
2:22:33
is. Well, I know and it's
2:22:36
a weird one because okay, so this
2:22:40
this will take you into my
2:22:42
mind a little bit. I used to work at a
2:22:44
place called Comedy Sports in Milwaukee. What's
2:22:47
that? With a Z. Yep, obviously.
2:22:49
That's how you know it's comedy. Yeah, the Z was like,
2:22:51
Hey, I'm hanging on to the other letters. Yeah,
2:22:54
of course. You gotta push it.
2:22:56
Yeah. I'm hanging on to the
2:22:58
back. Yeah, and I ended that was where I
2:23:00
discovered improv and it really was like
2:23:02
a revelatory place for me. But when
2:23:05
I first started working there, I worked
2:23:07
there as a ballet Parker. So
2:23:09
I was on the parking lot in a tutu and
2:23:11
I would direct people to a parking
2:23:13
spot. So I started doing that at like 16. And
2:23:16
it was like my favorite. I like got
2:23:18
tips. I worked there were two
2:23:21
shows Friday and Saturday. So I worked two shows
2:23:23
and I and, you know, girls
2:23:25
my age would be like, like giving me their number
2:23:27
and all this shit. So it was like, it's
2:23:30
I kind of started off in a really great
2:23:32
I was like, boy, a lot of comedy is
2:23:34
easy. You're like a waitress on a roller skates.
2:23:36
Yes. And it was the right amount of spectacle
2:23:38
for people to kind of like you. But it
2:23:41
was, you know, you could be charming enough to
2:23:43
not be annoying. It was all
2:23:45
very teed up for your ask. Yes.
2:23:47
Did every comedy sports is a franchise?
2:23:49
Yes. Is this mandated?
2:23:52
I believe it to be. I
2:23:54
believe it to be one of the one
2:23:56
of the things the Milwaukee. Oh, really? So
2:24:00
that's where, so I was, you know, original. I'd
2:24:02
love to be the heavy white guy with a
2:24:04
beard and an IPA who came
2:24:06
up with that idea. Oh yeah. It's like,
2:24:09
get this at every location. And
2:24:11
it's one of those things too where you're kind
2:24:13
of like, that won't work, that's too stupid and
2:24:15
boy did it. Wow. Wow. So
2:24:18
I would get tips. I had a little tip box thing and
2:24:20
people would tip. So I would be getting, again,
2:24:22
I mean I was like 16, 17. So
2:24:25
I'd be getting like, you know, 60,
2:24:27
80 bucks a night in tips, which was crazy.
2:24:29
And paid? And paid, an hourly, yeah.
2:24:32
Wow. And there was a couple
2:24:34
guys I worked with who were buddies, they
2:24:36
were like in the kitchen cooking or whatever
2:24:38
my age. And
2:24:41
one night one of the guys just said,
2:24:43
he just goes, man,
2:24:46
someday I'd really like to piss my pants.
2:24:49
And I just go, you get all my tips if you
2:24:51
do. And he goes, oh, so
2:24:54
we talked for maybe two minutes in the
2:24:56
kitchen and we, the guy, the main
2:24:59
cook guy's like, hold on, let me get these pizzas
2:25:01
ready. And we go to the parking lot
2:25:04
and he stands there with his hands on
2:25:06
his hips and he just, he's
2:25:09
like, he can't, it's like, you know, stage fright.
2:25:12
Yeah. Hold on. Wait.
2:25:16
And then he goes, okay. Everything
2:25:18
inside of you says don't do this. Every part, it's
2:25:20
great. Right now we're both running the don't pee your
2:25:22
pants program. Well, even if you try to like pee
2:25:25
in the ocean, your body's like, it's not allowed. I
2:25:27
really appreciate that. There's someone who peed in the ocean
2:25:29
recently. Yeah. Your body is a moment
2:25:31
where your body's like, no, we're negotiating waves right now. We'll
2:25:35
let some in, but that's it. I'll take a sip.
2:25:37
Yeah. I'll just do it. I have a bit
2:25:40
of a wet whistle. Yeah.
2:25:47
So he's standing there and, and I,
2:25:49
it's, it's funny because of that,
2:25:51
but it's also funny because he says he's
2:25:53
peeing and it takes 10 seconds for us
2:25:55
to see that he's peeing because of the
2:25:57
fabric and stuff. and
2:26:00
he starts to pee and he fully
2:26:02
pees his pants at work and
2:26:05
myself and the cook, I mean, I truly
2:26:07
was like, I'm gonna pee. We laughed
2:26:09
so hard. Oh my god. And it,
2:26:11
and I, I've laughed hard in
2:26:13
my life, obviously. I mean, honestly, the, the Jay
2:26:16
Leno's, we've laughed hard on this part, but this
2:26:18
was like, I couldn't get up. I
2:26:21
was a teenager, he was peeing his pants.
2:26:23
It, it was, I think, probably
2:26:25
the hardest my full body had ever
2:26:28
exerted laughter and then the
2:26:31
dark reality hit that we were at work
2:26:33
and he didn't like, he wasn't like a stunt
2:26:35
pisser, like he had to go back in and the guy
2:26:38
who ran the place, Dick Chudnow, he
2:26:40
sees him, I apologize, Chudnow,
2:26:42
like demanding it. Oh. And
2:26:45
it's true, that was the thing. And he came
2:26:48
over and he saw him and he
2:26:50
goes, what the fuck? And he's like, did you
2:26:52
pee your pants? And he was like, well, yeah.
2:26:54
And he goes, he was furious, obviously. It's
2:26:56
a business with a kitchen. And
2:26:58
he goes, get in the back, go take a shower, because
2:27:00
they had showers there, the shower,
2:27:02
it changes clothes. And that kept getting
2:27:04
funniest. The night we're on it just
2:27:07
kept aging funnier
2:27:09
and funnier that this guy did it for like
2:27:11
55 dollars. Oh my god. That, I always think,
2:27:13
is maybe the hardest I ever left. You know
2:27:15
what I've really been struck with as you were
2:27:18
telling that story is how I just have a
2:27:20
very, like I really
2:27:22
feel very confident that I know what it would
2:27:24
feel like to pee my pants. Like I know
2:27:26
what it felt like. Yeah. It's kind of like
2:27:28
the, there's a moment where it's like cave-like and
2:27:30
it's dripping and then it's now, aftermath. And then
2:27:32
it gets cold. Yes. But I haven't been in
2:27:34
my pants. I don't know if I've ever peed
2:27:37
my pants, certainly as a child, but like. Yeah,
2:27:39
I don't think, I think, I think you're right.
2:27:41
I think it's like, it's, you're reading a
2:27:43
review of what it would be like, vastly different
2:27:46
to do it. Chris
2:27:48
Thayer, my friend, has a bit about being so
2:27:50
stoned. He wasn't sure if he peed his pants,
2:27:52
which is so funny. You know, it's so funny
2:27:54
because. If you told me I peed my pants,
2:27:57
and you were very certain, I'd be like. When
2:28:00
I used to take, I still will take mushrooms,
2:28:02
but when I used first start, that was the
2:28:04
thing I always went through. Did I pee
2:28:06
my pants? Always. Yeah. I would be out there
2:28:08
like, I know those trees are just, and people
2:28:10
would be like, are you okay? But yeah, for
2:28:12
sure. But I was always like, did I pee?
2:28:14
Yeah. Like, there was some sense in me that
2:28:16
was worried. Yes, oh God. Well,
2:28:19
I've loved every moment. Likewise, Pete. We're gonna read,
2:28:21
it's up to you, you can read it. Do
2:28:23
you wanna read the review? We're trying to get
2:28:25
people, this is from Sue Denham. Sure. You can
2:28:27
read it. Yeah, I did that to Levi's in
2:28:30
the 80s. The zipper caught
2:28:32
my junk. Okay. Oh,
2:28:35
the reason we're reading this review, please give
2:28:37
us a five star and review on iTunes.
2:28:39
It really helps the show. Promo code. Please,
2:28:42
promo code. Smash the like. We
2:28:44
Made It Weird has been an oasis for
2:28:47
me these past few years, starting with the
2:28:49
pandemic. A wonderful place to feel like I'm
2:28:51
having coffee with two sweet, loving, creative, funny
2:28:53
friends, noodling over life's big questions. My
2:28:56
father is in hospice now, and this
2:28:58
episode was just what I needed. Thank
2:29:00
you. Beautiful. Lovely. Well, thank
2:29:02
you, Sue Denham. Well, thank
2:29:05
you. Thank you. Thank
2:29:07
you. Would you say keep it
2:29:10
crispy? It's how we side off. The guest says keep
2:29:12
it crispy. Here we go, ready? Keep
2:29:14
it crispy. As
2:29:16
let him? Hey, treat
2:29:19
it like a Dorito that's not been in the sun or
2:29:21
water. Keep it crispy.
Podchaser is the ultimate destination for podcast data, search, and discovery. Learn More