0:00

You made it weird, you made

0:02

it weird, you made it weird,

0:05

oh yeah You made

0:07

it weird, you made it weird,

0:09

yes, you made it weird, oh

0:11

yeah You made it

0:13

weird with Pete Holmes What's

0:15

happening, weirdos? This is Kathleen

0:18

Madigan Kathleen Madigan, overdue

0:20

episode I've been a fan of

0:22

hers for many years She is

0:24

so funny Go to kathleenmadigan.com if

0:27

you want to see her on

0:29

the road She's gonna be in

0:31

Charlestown, West Virginia, Portland, Maine, Atlantic

0:33

City, San Antonio, Texas, Austin, Texas,

0:35

Ohio All over Ohio, Ontario, Hampton,

0:38

New Hampshire, all of those are

0:40

on kathleenmadigan.com And her new special,

0:42

her newest special, Hunting Bigfoot, is

0:45

on Prime Video She's also got

0:47

specials on Netflix like Bothering Jesus

0:49

She is incredible and she is a delight And

0:51

I'm so glad that we got to sit down

0:54

and laugh together I'm so glad you guys are

0:56

here to enjoy what we did with

0:59

us, right? Come on, it's

1:01

fun I'm glad you're here peteholmes.com,

1:04

likewise, for my tour dates

1:06

I'm gonna be in, just

1:08

outside of, I believe I'm gonna

1:11

be outside of Pittsburgh Is

1:13

that correct? Is that Pittsburgh? Yeah, Pittsburgh

1:16

Had to go to my own website Houston,

1:18

Texas, I'm gonna be there July 5th

1:20

through 7th, August 30th through

1:22

September 1st I'll be at the Pittsburgh

1:25

Improv And then after that, October 4th

1:27

through the 6th, I'll be at the

1:29

Milwaukee Improv So I hope you can

1:31

be at those, this new hour is

1:33

so fun to do And it means

1:35

so much when weirdos are there And

1:37

I'm also gonna be at Largo, the

1:39

next Largo date Let me look it

1:41

up in real time, go to Largo-LA

1:44

for tickets The next one is on

1:46

Wednesday, July 17th Those

1:48

are always incredible, Judd Apatow was

1:50

at the last one Sandler's been at them,

1:52

Kumail, it's so fun Dimitri Martin, it's so

1:55

fun Hope you can be there, the next

1:57

one is July 17th In

1:59

the meantime Enjoy this chat with my

2:01

wonderful new friend. I'm gonna say it. Kathleen

2:04

Madigan. Get into it. You're

2:07

getting afternoon, Pete. Oh,

2:09

what happens with that guy? I don't know, who cares.

2:11

I'm just much sunnier in the morning. Oh, really? And

2:13

then around this time of day, and I'm only saying

2:15

this to bring it back to you. Are you gonna

2:17

fade out? No, it's not really that. As

2:20

I just, I know Jodi's afraid. It's

2:23

just more that I get like, I'm drinking

2:25

this, I'm like, I need a boost. I

2:27

get a little more pinched. Well, we need

2:29

a beer. Well, I think we have

2:31

one American beer right there down at the bottom. Great, I'll

2:33

take that one. Do you want it? Yeah. All right.

2:35

I'm not kidding. It's been a long day. Yeah,

2:37

you came from Comedy Bang Bang, which I don't care

2:40

for. Not the podcast. I don't care that you came

2:42

straight from another podcast. Well, don't care about that. It's

2:44

just, it

2:46

doesn't matter. Look at that. You could have. You

2:49

know how to college open that. I am

2:52

just not an improv person. It's

2:54

not my thing. Jodi.

2:57

I'm not. You look like the pictionary

2:59

sketch of a person who knows

3:01

how to open a beer without a bottle

3:03

opener. Canadians do this. Go in the door

3:05

jam. Don't break their door. Is that what they're

3:07

doing? Well, I go in that. Oh, you

3:09

don't have an empty lot. Oh, well.

3:12

Oh. Oh. Don't break their

3:14

door jam. Oh.

3:17

Jodi, you can also just bang it on the

3:19

fridge. Why

3:22

not? It. Wow.

3:26

Should I not have my phone on the couch? Is

3:29

that all right? Is that the vibe you're getting?

3:31

No, I don't know. Jodi just champagne. Super

3:34

bold. She just champagne your whole,

3:36

whole foyer. Whatever. She's super bullshit.

3:40

Oh my God. Oh, ace. Yeah.

3:43

No, you. What beer is it? Okay,

3:48

great. Oh, wonderful. Are you,

3:50

you're pretending to know what that is, right? No,

3:52

I just saw blonde ale and I was like, that's fine. Yeah,

3:55

right. Yeah, I don't know what a Lefé is. Nobody

3:57

knows what Lefé is. This is

3:59

a real. NPR feel

4:01

like there's doors opening,

4:04

there's beers opening. Yeah, but

4:06

we don't have the soft guitar music. Or

4:10

like drum and bass. Yeah, all

4:12

of it needs an upgrade. You

4:15

think so? You think NPR needs

4:17

an update? No, the background

4:19

music needs an upgrade. Upgrade, upgrade. What are

4:22

you specifically talking about? Because are we talking

4:24

about this American line? It's a very

4:26

fine line between the guitar

4:28

player at the Masters and

4:31

the guitar player at NPR. You

4:34

meet... You're just in a picture of sleep. I see. What

4:37

NPR show are you listening to? Whenever

4:39

I turn it on. I don't even... Are you just

4:41

flicking on the radio? Yeah, NPR.

4:43

Yeah. Make that look nice. There

4:45

it is. Sometimes it's a show, sometimes it's just them

4:47

reading the news or whatever. Yeah, sure. But

4:50

they have like... Now the other

4:52

extreme end is... Oh, sorry. Is morning

4:54

radio. I know, but I don't

4:56

ever hold the mic. They don't pay me

4:58

enough. You put it in the stand? It

5:00

stays there forever. I've never touched it. Really?

5:02

Yeah. And I'm not walking around.

5:05

And I'm not moving. I'm not moving. I'm

5:08

standing up. Yeah, just stand there. That's

5:10

what I'm paying to get... Yeah. I

5:13

believe it brings the focus in more. But

5:15

it's also... If it's in the stand? Well,

5:18

if I don't move. Oh. But

5:21

I didn't do that on purpose. It's just how I

5:23

was comfortable. But then over time, I really

5:26

do think you

5:29

pay more attention, in my mind, if

5:31

I'm not moving. To something that's still? Yeah.

5:34

Well, think about Mussolini.

5:37

Exactly. Is he moving around?

5:41

Well, Hitler did

5:43

a lot from one spot. He was

5:45

not a mover. He got a lot. He

5:47

was a lot of this, and a

5:49

lot of this, a lot of that. But the

5:52

feet were planted. Yeah. And that's... I don't remember

5:54

Mussolini. I don't think he moved either. No, no. They

5:56

were podium guys. Stay at the

5:58

podium. Stay at the podium. at the podium. Yeah,

6:00

he's so crazy. And that's always, did you

6:03

start, where did you start standup comedy? At

6:05

the St. Louis Funny Bone, which is still there. Yes

6:07

it is. Yeah, the Westport one. Have

6:09

I done the St. Louis Funny Bone? Probably. Everybody's

6:12

got to at some point. Right, they had two

6:14

at one time. You may not have done the one

6:16

in South County. You've got South County Funny

6:19

Bone, and you've got John Hamm, and

6:21

you've got the Budweiser Brewery.

6:23

Well, and the South County Funny Bone,

6:25

as a youngster, I was totally excited, because John

6:28

Goodman is from St. Louis, and I saw him

6:30

in the same parking lot, because it was in

6:32

his theater, an AMC theater, and he was taking

6:34

his mom to see King Ralph. He

6:37

was taking his mom to see his old movie?

6:39

Yeah, but I think she wanted to see it. She

6:41

was old, and I think it was sweet. Nobody here

6:43

thinks John Goodman was being a jerk.

6:45

That's amazing. That was a wonderful thing.

6:47

It's a wonderful thing. Look at him on a

6:49

Tuesday, or whatever, over by now. Tuesday, Madnay, taking

6:52

mom. Do you know how often I

6:54

reference, to this day, in

6:56

my act currently, is

6:58

a reference to King Ralph? Really? I

7:00

don't know if I've ever seen it, but just the image of

7:03

Johnny Goode. I've only seen bits and pieces

7:05

on a plane. Yeah. Because

7:07

I like him, so I don't know. But, oh

7:11

yeah, that's our claim of fame. You're more of a

7:13

John Goodman than a John Hamm, St.

7:15

Louis. John Hamm, I did love

7:17

in, recently, what was it?

7:19

Where he played the Rancher guy, like a

7:21

Yellowstone guy. Oh, true

7:23

detectives, season. Fargo.

7:27

Fargo, yeah, yeah, yeah. He was awesome in that. Yeah,

7:30

not true detective. He was awesome in that. I

7:32

don't really know other stuff. I

7:34

gave up on, go ahead. I'm not really good

7:37

with, like, I didn't

7:39

really ever watch Mad Men. I know you're not supposed

7:41

to say that. I know. I think it's okay. I

7:44

don't know. You're just flipping on NPR with an

7:46

antenna up. Fuck, can we get a

7:49

different guitar player? That's all I'm asking. And

7:51

your lip, well, can I tell you, first of all,

7:53

thank you so much for being here. Yeah, it's nice.

7:55

This is way better. Right? Yeah.

7:58

This studio's nice. provide a dog

8:00

and a beer. There's a dog and a beer. It's fucking great.

8:02

Katie, will you make a note to get more beer because

8:06

you're... You're the end of the day. Yeah.

8:09

It's happy hour. I don't know. Well, we usually do

8:11

this at 11 a.m. but we've still had a few guests. Well,

8:15

I would do that too. But not if

8:17

I had a bunch after. Well, one, I'd have

8:19

one beer. Yeah. Yeah, that's fine.

8:21

I'm gonna say that the thing that I

8:23

find most interesting other than your wonderful new

8:26

special which is called hunting. Bigfoot.

8:29

Bothering Bigfoot and hunting Jesus.

8:32

Hunting Jesus and bothering Bigfoot.

8:35

It's wonderful and congratulations. Oh, thank you.

8:38

Congratulations. And other than

8:40

that, apart from that, I should say, the thing

8:42

that I find most interesting about you is that

8:44

you have a farm and you live in the

8:46

Ozarks. And I wanna talk all about it. Okay.

8:49

Well, did you see the show? What show?

8:52

Ozarks. No. In

8:54

fact, as a point. Really? You

8:57

didn't want to. I

8:59

reject this. I was thinking about

9:01

it because I did my research on you. And

9:04

also a song came on the radio, well, on

9:06

the Apple music. And the band

9:08

was the Ozark. Mountain Daredevils? Yeah, the

9:10

Ozark Mountain Daredevils. They're from like the

9:12

70s. Yeah, I know. That

9:15

still counts as good. My hair and

9:17

that band. Right, count. Can both be good things

9:20

from the 70s. Yeah, I'm not saying they're not good. I'm just

9:22

saying. No, but it's a synchronicity. I'm

9:24

coming to talk to someone who lives in the Ozarks on

9:27

shuffle. I just tell Apple music,

9:29

play Yacht Rock because it gets me

9:32

peppy in the Cranky Friday, five o'clock.

9:34

Yacht Rock gets you peppy. How

9:36

many times do you see a lot of sailing

9:39

by Christopher Cross? It hasn't come up. I'm

9:42

waiting for sailing. How about Toto? Are

9:44

you into Africa? You want to hear

9:46

it? And my little dog too. I'm

9:48

into Africa. It'll take a lot to

9:50

drive me away from you. Oh.

9:53

There's a hundred million more I can

9:55

ever do. I

9:57

used to listen to Yacht Rock a lot on the

9:59

road going like at night driving. over to the next

10:01

gig, and then I realized they only really purchased B-sides,

10:04

and they only purchased like 50 of

10:06

them. Who? Serious.

10:09

Oh, you mean like you listened to the serious Yacht-Rach,

10:11

and they didn't have the hits. Well,

10:14

and I don't even care, but they bought 50

10:16

B-sides, and then we're out. Yeah,

10:19

yeah, they're like, we can buy one A-side or 50

10:21

B-sides, and they want 50 B-sides. Yeah,

10:24

and I get it, but you should have saved enough money

10:26

for 50 more. Can I ask you

10:28

a question? Yes. Is there

10:30

a Yacht-Rach question mark? Is he? Because

10:32

he comes up on my Yacht-Rach station. I don't think it should

10:34

be. It should be Americana

10:36

or folk or. Can I also say

10:38

this? Classic rock,

10:40

yeah. Classic rock?

10:44

Not rock. Adult contemporary, classic

10:46

adult contemporary. Adult contemporary, for

10:48

sure. Dentist, pleasant. James

10:51

Taylor looks furious. Most

10:54

of the time. I saw him

10:56

at a spa once. Yeah, he

10:58

needs it, right? Well, his face looked better

11:00

than mine. I don't know what he's doing, but he looked

11:02

fine. You mean, he went away. His skin, I

11:05

knew he came up. How is his

11:07

skin? I got a free gift certificate and some bag

11:09

for doing some charity deal, and I'm like, huh, where's

11:11

this? I'm like, oh,

11:13

go over there. And I saw this man walk in, and I'm

11:15

like, wow. There's James Taylor.

11:18

That's fucking silly, yeah. I was, I

11:20

didn't want to say, I didn't say anything, because

11:23

it's LA, you can't. Did you just say

11:25

I don't want to say nothing? Like a child that I

11:27

pulled out of class? And you're like,

11:29

who put the cherry bomb in the bathroom? You're like, I don't want to

11:31

say nothing. I didn't do nothing. I don't want to

11:33

say nothing. I don't want to say nothing. That's

11:35

just the way I talk. I

11:38

love it. I love drinking. I feel like I

11:40

saw your essence. And it's James Taylor, but I don't

11:42

want to say nothing. Don't say nothing. Kicking a rock. I

11:44

would've kicked you if you would've said, I'm gonna go, I'm

11:46

gonna be like, fuck, don't say nothing. You leave slabs

11:48

alone? You leave them alone? 99%

11:51

of the time. Sometimes

11:53

it might go over the edge. Who's the

11:55

one? Here's the one. John Goodman. He's

11:58

always 20. Back in the

12:01

day he was 20 Budweiser's in it was totally

12:03

fine. He's a nice is good. Oh, he never

12:05

cared He was sweet. Everybody knew that everybody in

12:07

st. Louis knew that you can always go up

12:09

to John and ask him for whatever Really?

12:11

And he's friendly. Yeah, the one

12:13

that I took the risk on and

12:15

it was the nicest decline in the

12:17

history of mankind So me

12:20

and my little my sister my younger sister's tenure join

12:22

me and we used to watch the sound of music

12:24

every Christmas Eve And then they quit showing

12:26

it on Christmas Eve So I taped it

12:29

so that we could show it on Christmas Eve

12:31

and keep it going even though the networks were

12:33

grossly disappointing It took it away from us Well,

12:36

I even to the point like I I got

12:38

in an eBay auction in a fight Trying

12:41

to get my sister sound and music dinner plates.

12:43

My sister loves a movie even more than I

12:45

do and I love it Yes, well, I saw

12:48

Julie Andrews in baggage claim What

12:51

an LAX and I'm like

12:53

shit and I had my future

12:55

brother-in-law with me I go

12:57

Scott I gotta do it cuz this

12:59

could be my Christmas card to Kate Yes, like

13:02

my sister like I so it really was

13:04

wait in what way how will you commemorate it for

13:06

her? I don't know Oh,

13:09

no, I'm just gonna I was gonna crop me out Just

13:12

like kind of that my side of my head and

13:15

go Julie says hi from baggage clip I don't know.

13:17

I would have made it funny. Yeah, I didn't have

13:19

a plan, but I knew I needed the picture So

13:21

you're gonna show her I mean, but really any

13:23

scrutiny It's immediately a bad plan

13:26

because you're gonna give your sister just a photo

13:28

of Julie Andrews at the air probably Well, I

13:30

might be with her and go we've been planning

13:32

some things without you and like yeah, you know

13:36

Once you know if you like the dinner plates

13:38

that you receive. Yeah, okay. That's not a dinner

13:40

plate. Sure So you go

13:43

up to her. Yeah, like we didn't have Scott

13:45

happen to have like a throwaway camera There's no phones

13:47

at the time. This is like 20 years ago. And

13:49

so I walked up in baggage claim and I said

13:53

Excuse me, Miss Andrews. I'm a huge fan. I was

13:55

just wondering if my brother could brother-in-law could take a

13:57

picture. She goes Oh, please no, I'm

13:59

free I'm feeling terribly scruffy today, but thank

14:02

you so much for watching all of

14:04

my films. And I was like,

14:06

you're welcome. And I felt totally fine about myself. It

14:09

was better than the picture. Yeah. I'm

14:11

feeling terribly scruffy. Terribly scruffy. It's so British

14:14

too. I'm feeling scruffy. You're not a

14:16

dog. Who feels like scruffy? Like hungover

14:18

is scruffy. I'm feeling scruffy. And

14:20

she looked perfect. Of course she

14:22

did. Yeah. It's a line,

14:25

right? Well, it's probably a line. She didn't really feel

14:27

scruffy. But I also think she's tired. Can I tell you?

14:30

If you start one picture, but back in the day,

14:32

nobody else had a throwaway camera. It was a fluke.

14:34

We had one. Well, that's why we

14:36

had autographs. Remember autographs? Write your name

14:39

here. Weird for adults. I still think

14:41

it's weird. It is weird. If

14:43

kids, I get it. Kids? But

14:46

adults, what am I supposed to do with this? Do

14:49

you know what I knew I was made for

14:51

showbiz is I was a reenactor in Salem, Massachusetts.

14:53

I was supposed to be like John Cook of

14:56

the Salem Witch Trials. It wasn't the

14:58

rent. And

15:00

I'm walking around pretending to be a Puritan. And

15:03

if someone asked me for my

15:05

autograph, which was very rare, everyone

15:08

in the cast would write like

15:10

Goody Proctor. Of course. Oh,

15:13

right. And I would write Pete Holmes and

15:15

I'd write Pete holmes.com. Like, I'm not using

15:17

it as a promo. Here's my next

15:19

eight shows. You like stand

15:22

up? Yeah, follow me on Instagram. Thank

15:24

you. That's how I knew I

15:26

was like, we're doing something different from these guys

15:28

are like in the theater. And I'm just trying

15:30

to build a buzz. All in, yeah,

15:32

all in. And they look forward to it.

15:34

You're thinking, oh shit, I gotta go do this for

15:37

a while. Well, I just wanted to get laughs too. What

15:39

was one of your early jobs? What

15:42

was one of your odd jobs? This podcast is

15:44

now called Odd Jobs. I'm sorry, we need a

15:46

boost. Nothing like that. You don't have anything

15:48

weird? Oh, weird? No, no,

15:50

no. Yeah, it doesn't have to be reenactor,

15:52

but what was your job before? Well, thank

15:54

you, because I totally missed out on that.

15:56

And I was like, this probably would have been civil war. Yeah,

15:59

but. And we didn't even know which side we were on.

16:02

So it's very confusing in Missouri. Some were

16:05

blue, some were red. Vacation

16:09

in the Ozarks not long ago. Like

16:11

about a year ago actually. So

16:14

I remember. We're moving up. We're moving

16:16

up. Yeah, I liked it quite

16:18

a bit. But Ozarks is a large definition. Some people

16:20

count Northern Arkansas. Those are the Ozark Mountains. They are

16:23

valid in saying that. But when I say lake of

16:25

the Ozarks, I mean the lake. It's

16:27

a different thing than like. Anyway,

16:29

I love a lake. Well, I did

16:32

run the gas dock at our family

16:34

resort for summer. The

16:37

gas dock? The gas dock. Oh,

16:40

refueling boats. Yeah, yes. That would be a

16:42

sophisticated way to say that. The place where

16:44

you refuel boats? Yes. The gas dock. And

16:46

when your boat is near empty. They

16:49

didn't see nothing. I bet it's a gas

16:52

dock. And

16:54

I wouldn't even go up to James Taylor

16:56

not for nothing. Cash only. Cash

16:58

only gas dock. Cash only gas dock.

17:00

And I fished in between boats. So

17:03

I'll be fishing, waiting for another boat. But I

17:05

had the lock and key on the cash. Of

17:08

course. Yeah. And then that was just

17:10

a summer. That was probably everything else

17:12

was bartending or working in a restaurant.

17:14

This is Trey Ozarks. I did do

17:16

room service at Dolly Parton. Pardon? You

17:19

heard me. It was fun. Parton? Fuckin'

17:21

it. It was so great. Pardon me? It was

17:23

the greatest day of my life. I was 14.

17:25

I totally lied and worked at this holiday end.

17:27

Because in the Ozarks, if you said you lived

17:30

there year round, they would give anybody a job.

17:32

You could be 12. They don't give a shit.

17:34

They need full-time people. Yeah. They don't want this.

17:36

They're understaffed. Oh, yeah. You can fish in between

17:39

boats. Yeah, they don't care. You could smoke. Do

17:41

whatever you want. Drink. They don't care. Just be

17:43

here. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And walk food all the

17:45

way up that mountain. Yes. Everything's a motel back

17:48

then. Open doors, blah, blah, blah. Believe it. So

17:50

I took this giant tray. I'm five foot tall.

17:52

I hike up this mountain. And I knocked on

17:54

the motel, open door. And there was Dolly Parton.

17:57

In a motel? Well, her tour bus

17:59

was out there. Yeah, because they were doing a show

18:01

at Lake of the Ozarks. I

18:03

didn't think to ask, like, who's your opener?

18:05

Like, I don't know what was going on,

18:08

but I know the tour bus was there

18:10

and they had like 20 rooms and I

18:12

happened. There were like three people in there,

18:14

like her friends or whatever, and

18:16

she couldn't have been nicer. They tipped me great. It

18:19

was a great experience. What was she wearing? I

18:22

don't wear shorts because it was hot. I remember she

18:24

had shorts on like jean shorts and I don't remember

18:26

the shirt. I don't think I've ever seen her outside

18:28

of a gown. A

18:30

gown? Like a sequiny. Oh,

18:32

like something. Dolly Parton's always wearing something sparkly. Oh,

18:35

I guess we... You saw her, you saw casual

18:37

Parton. I did, I saw casual

18:39

Parton. So, but that was a regular job.

18:42

That's just being a like a room service

18:44

kid. Can I ask you when you were

18:46

doing the gas? The gas deck.

18:48

The gas deck. The refueling boat center,

18:50

as you've upgraded me. I

18:53

worked at a refueling center. It sounds like

18:55

I worked for Exxon and they were giant.

18:57

Someone just throws a hot dog at your

18:59

face. Take a

19:01

oil pipes and hook it up. Yeah,

19:03

shankers. You

19:06

were refueling boats for drunk people on the Lake

19:08

of the Visits. Everyone was drunk, yes. And the

19:10

earnest question, when we were there, all of

19:13

those jobs had a weird sexual... It was

19:15

like sexualized. It was always like girls in

19:17

bikinis. Yeah, I was in a bikini. It's

19:19

still 1982. I was in

19:21

a bikini and everybody forgot sunblock, which would

19:24

explain a lot of my trips to dermatologists.

19:27

Just... So you're just out there cooking.

19:29

At some point, fire red

19:31

burnt isn't sexy. Yeah. No,

19:34

there's a shade of red that becomes

19:37

concern... It's more alarming. Well, there is

19:39

another shade of red I found out

19:41

on this white skin that eventually turns

19:43

brown, but it's not really a tan. It's

19:46

like a frosting on the burn. Yeah,

19:48

frost burn. That's not sexy either. No. No,

19:51

so my parents weren't nailing it. And then

19:53

you take care of it. I only had

19:55

two other sisters and one was two years

19:57

younger than me and she is not social.

20:00

She was like, fuck that gas stock. I'm not

20:02

doing it. I'm not talking to those people. She

20:04

wanted nothing to do with it. And the other

20:06

one was only three. Can't have

20:08

her do it. She can't gas. No, not till

20:10

she's five. Exactly. Maybe six. And

20:13

you're you're so you grew up in the Lake of

20:15

the Ozarks? Well, I grew up in St.

20:18

Louis and the lake. We were going weekends. And

20:20

then when I was at the end of like

20:22

seventh grade, my dad decided they would buy a

20:24

family resort in the Ozarks. And we would all

20:26

move there and we would all

20:28

run this resort. Now, if you're

20:30

a doer and a goer, I

20:32

am. I was fired

20:34

up. I'm like, this is the greatest

20:36

idea since light bulbs.

20:39

This is fantastic. My

20:41

sister, I can't believe we have to do

20:43

this. This is an awful idea. They don't

20:45

know what they're doing. I go, they never know what they're

20:47

doing. He was always a lawyer. And

20:49

my mom was always a nurse. These were extra

20:51

jobs and extra

20:54

life fantasies. And

20:56

so they were just kind of like why was your

20:58

dad like a wild Willy Wonka kind of guy? Yeah.

21:00

And the idea is kind of worked out.

21:03

Yeah. Kind of. Was

21:05

he were you? They were the

21:07

kings of buy high sell low. With was

21:09

he the king of your life? Were you like taken

21:11

by this magic? Oh, I thought it was wonderful. Yeah.

21:14

Fuck yeah. And then we would like sell that and

21:16

we would be farmers for a while. Shut up. No,

21:18

I thought it was wonderful. I'm like, I'm in and

21:21

we would get bored. I'm like, we kind of nailed the

21:23

resort thing. We get it. Do you want to do this

21:25

forever? Let's move on. He had like

21:27

a wanderlust. Yeah. And

21:29

yeah. Wow. And you did too. So it

21:31

didn't freak you out. It didn't freak me out.

21:33

But you have to match that energy like the

21:35

other. There were other kids that kind of in

21:39

the family that did not. Not

21:41

so much. They didn't really buy for every

21:43

Kathleen. There's a there's a very sad Derek.

21:45

There's a John. There's a there's a John.

21:48

I got I got a little Parisian with

21:50

Derek. There's a John

21:52

just down at the gas. That's

21:55

not normal Pete. We're not John. Derek

21:57

Tom. It's a little out there. Maybe

22:01

a David. Kevin is weird. We even

22:03

wear weird on his side. Kevin's a

22:06

little fringe on it. Promoted box, Tom,

22:08

Pat, John, Joe, Jack. Yeah.

22:11

And then there's Kathleen, Kate, Mary, Catherine.

22:13

And the rest are goofy names.

22:16

Now you're going weird. And you do it to piss

22:18

somebody off as my parents would go. They're doing it

22:20

to piss somebody off. And I don't know who they're

22:22

mad at. And I'm going to go into this giant

22:24

psychological thing. I go, maybe he just likes the name

22:26

Kevin. No. No, they're

22:28

trying to one-up us. Oh, bullshit.

22:30

That's not in our family. Everyone in

22:32

my family is Jay, John, Kate,

22:36

or Larry. And I have a hard

22:38

time to this day. Jay, as in J-A-Y? J-A-Y.

22:42

Huh. J-A or J-J. Oh.

22:45

And I make the joke some of them are triple

22:47

J. It doesn't work. It doesn't get

22:49

a laugh. Well. It's usually

22:51

at a funeral. That's when we're all together. And

22:53

unless you're willing to go into the third.

22:55

Yeah. Yeah. My

22:58

brother's a third. Your junior and senior has to

23:00

stop and restart. Unless

23:03

you're going to do a third, you have to. Oh,

23:05

that's right. Right. Because if you're a

23:07

junior and then you have another one, it can't be junior, junior. Well,

23:10

like, my grandpa was John Patrick Madigan. I

23:12

know him well. And then my dad was John

23:14

Patrick Madigan, Jr. And

23:17

then my brother is John Patrick Madigan. What is

23:19

this, the beginning of the New Testament? Well,

23:21

right. It's a

23:23

thousand pages. Is this who? Who be got who? It's

23:25

who be got who. Oh, that's right. The

23:29

biggest Bible lovers in the world skip in

23:31

Matthew one. I'm telling you that the

23:33

whole book, the whole book

23:36

is to is to tie the lineage back to. Yeah.

23:39

But you know what? That's why we have a priest

23:41

edit that and just tell me what it was. Great

23:43

editing. Cliff

23:45

notes. Cliff notes. The Bible's not

23:47

even in the pew. Of course not. Because they

23:49

can't trust them. No, if I go

23:51

to like a Christian service and I'm

23:54

like, Oh God, there it is. You

23:56

can fact check your doctor doesn't give

23:58

you medical books. Right. So you

24:00

have, we'll see about that. Wait,

24:02

let me Google your bullshit. Like no, it's

24:05

not. The priest with chat GPT summarized the

24:07

New Testament. Yeah, and I thought for the

24:09

most part, they did a good job. Yeah.

24:11

I mean, I don't know the details. I never fact

24:13

checked them. I'll take his word for

24:15

it. And then when you do states, if

24:18

you do, if you do stations of the cross, that's

24:20

the end, I get it. It's

24:23

kind of horrifying when you're seven though. Let's

24:25

go, the stations of the cross. You

24:28

mean seeing like a sculpture or the stained glass?

24:30

Oh no, no, I had to do it every

24:32

Friday. What does that mean? I'm a

24:34

little out of my depth. Okay, so like in

24:36

a Catholic grade school, you go to church Monday,

24:38

Wednesday, Friday, or Tuesday, Thursday, Friday. But Friday also.

24:40

But everyone's there on Friday. Everybody's grown up Friday.

24:43

It's a big crowd, doesn't move fast. And there's

24:45

fish. Drink something before you go

24:47

in, water, beer if you have it, whatever.

24:50

It's gonna be a long, depressing, awful

24:52

fucking morning. And they would add

24:54

stations to the cross after mass. So

24:57

you start at station one, where

24:59

Jesus, they've decided we're gonna kill

25:01

you. Yeah, I've seen this in sculpture

25:03

form and stained glass form. In a church, if you

25:05

notice, you'll see it all on the sides of like,

25:07

if you go to any like famous, I don't know

25:09

about it. And I'm an optimist. I'm always like, maybe

25:11

he gets out of it. I

25:14

go to different churches. I'm like, okay, there's

25:16

Pilate. It's not looking good. Do non-Catholic churches

25:18

have it? No. Non-Catholic

25:21

churches just look like a Renaissance. You

25:24

know what I mean? They just got the couches out.

25:27

There's no ceremony or story. One of my brother-in-laws

25:29

that my sister married. Looks like a lazy type

25:31

of place. I'm like, Matt, what religion were you?

25:33

And he's like, oh,

25:35

I don't know, Kathleen. He's like

25:37

from the country. He goes, you know, Christian,

25:39

I go, but you're a Protestant.

25:42

Let's face it, Matt. Well, I don't

25:44

really know. I mean, I guess you could say that. I go,

25:46

what did it say on your church,

25:48

Matt? What did

25:50

it say? Did it say like,

25:52

Episcopalian, Lutheran? I

25:55

don't believe it said nothing. It just was

25:57

church. I'm like, are you like

25:59

from little? house on the prairie. Where the fuck Matt?

26:01

He's a little white building. I go what happened when

26:04

you went in? Well nothing. You

26:06

know the priest talked about something

26:09

or the he wouldn't say priest pastor the pastor

26:11

talked about something or other. That's your clue. And

26:13

if there's a funeral there's no alcohol it's in

26:15

the basement and you're very somber and you leave.

26:18

Yeah. Oh I'm like he

26:20

has got a lot to learn to

26:22

catch up on because nothing that for

26:24

my sister's not gonna go along with

26:26

that. Well she went to Catholic.

26:29

Yeah and she's gonna make those kids be Catholic and

26:31

then Matt's gonna have to go along with it. I

26:33

want to know what is what do you call the

26:35

guy in charge? Priest pastor. I want to know what

26:37

he's wearing. Right. I want to know do you do

26:39

this? I want to know if

26:41

you believe that the bread turns into the

26:43

body of Christ literally. Do you know what

26:45

that's called? Transubstantiation. Oh my god. So I

26:47

was like in eighth grade or maybe older

26:49

but I was actually probably in high school

26:52

and then my parents. I was like

26:54

my mom on Bible Jeopardy. My mom

26:56

goes. Please ask me what that's called.

26:58

I was like Denzel Washington in training

27:00

day. I was like transubstantiation without blinking.

27:02

I was thrilled that you asked

27:04

me that. My mom goes let

27:06

me let me ask you something. Do you know what

27:09

transubstantiation is? I go if

27:11

I had to put money on it it's a bank. She

27:14

said no. It's when the priest

27:17

raises the communion and says it

27:19

turns into the body and blood

27:21

of Christ and I go wait you

27:24

actually believe that it

27:26

did that? Yeah. And

27:28

my dad goes that is what separates us

27:30

from Protestants because the Pope wouldn't let that

27:33

one go. That's the big one. That's the

27:35

big one. I'm not even trying to be

27:37

funny. Let's say you have celiac disease. You

27:39

got to believe in transubstantiation pretty hard if

27:41

you're going to take that bread. Not

27:43

even trying to do a bit. Right. Let's

27:45

say you're doing low carb. What if

27:47

you're a gluten monster? If you're a

27:49

gluten monster you have to really believe

27:52

that transubstantiation. If you have hard celiac,

27:54

celiac, you better have the faith that

27:56

can move bowels. Yeah. That's

27:58

serious. It's a risk. It's

28:01

like saying you're just going to. It's a risk.

28:03

Yeah. And I want to know no

28:05

shit. You're a priest. I'm

28:08

your congregant. I come to see you.

28:10

I say transubstantiation. The bread turns into

28:12

the physical flesh of Jesus Christ in

28:14

my body. Right. It's like, yeah, my

28:16

doctor said, if I eat wheat, I'll

28:18

die. Should I do right?

28:21

And you know, like, can you tell me, I

28:23

feel like Catholics for all the pomp in

28:25

those quiet moments. They say, no, don't do that.

28:27

No, they they'd be like, look, you know, a lot

28:30

of a ceremonial. They always have an out. They have

28:32

an out. I feel like the ones up top.

28:34

It's it's sort of the people in the pews

28:36

that get real nuts. Richard

28:38

Rohr calls them smells and bells. They like

28:41

love church. They get real into it. They

28:43

collect all the cards like Pokemon. But the

28:45

priests, you know, I can't vouch

28:48

for all the priests. I'm just saying like most of the

28:50

higher ups that I know are the ones that are like,

28:53

well, you know, don't get too carried away with

28:55

the ones that I always like were the Jesuits

28:57

because they're like 15000 steps above. Love

29:00

a Jesuit. The way they think is

29:02

way beyond. Give me a Jesuit. Yeah,

29:05

I'll take. Give me a Franciscan. And just

29:07

don't make me do the stations across when

29:09

I'm eight. Here's where he gets murdered. Oh,

29:12

he's not dead yet. Let's move to station

29:14

eight. That's right. OK, he's hanging on. Really?

29:16

He's dead. Because he's going to wipe the

29:18

blood off of him. It won't work. Yeah,

29:20

it was sweet. Kevin Jesus is

29:22

the scariest bleeding Jesus. He's

29:25

well, and if you see every church, it says

29:27

I N R I on

29:29

the cross. Yeah. And then my dad, who always thought

29:31

he was hilarious, would go, you know what that stands

29:33

for? I never reached Ireland. The poor bastard

29:35

never had a pint. And I'm like, OK,

29:38

but it could be Italy to dad Ireland.

29:40

It could also be I still to

29:42

this day don't know what it really means. You

29:44

know, up until recently, I thought it meant

29:46

the king of the Jews. Can you Google it?

29:49

I think it does now that you say that. But

29:51

someone told me recently that it doesn't mean

29:53

that. Like literally like a month ago, I

29:55

found out that in read doesn't mean what

29:57

I. I N R I.

30:00

on the cross, just put I-N-R-I. I-I,

30:02

meaning? Like initials. Who's a fiction? I

30:04

see. It's an acronym for something, and

30:07

my dad says this, I never reach

30:09

Ireland. I like on the Joe Rogan

30:11

experience, they're like, Jamie, can you find

30:13

that image of the orangutan spearfishing? And

30:15

on mine, it's like, what does that

30:18

mean in Latin? On

30:20

the cross, Katie, what does that

30:22

mean? Jesus the Nazarene. The Natter.

30:24

Jesus the Nazarene. King

30:27

of the Jews. King of the Jews, okay. All right. Oh,

30:29

wait, do you nail it? Now that you

30:31

said it, that does ring a bell. But

30:33

I still think there's something else it means, but

30:35

it's not worth it. Can you actually find

30:37

that image of the orangutan spearfishing? Just kidding.

30:39

100% JK. Katie,

30:42

she's looking back, Nazarene.

30:44

Nazarene? I'm not sure.

30:47

He was your king, Katie. He was your king, Katie. He

30:50

was your king. God damn it. It's

30:52

right there in the Henry King of

30:55

the Jews. You

30:57

didn't kill him, you financed him. That's

30:59

my friend Dan Kaufman's joke.

31:01

Dan Kaufman, that's your joke.

31:04

Wonderful artist, great comic, dankaufman.com.

31:07

Pete is not stealing material.

31:09

I'm not stealing it. If

31:11

I give you a plug, check out

31:14

dankaufman.com. I'm

31:17

allowed to keep it in. But scary Jesus, scary

31:20

bloody Jesus. Because the Protestant,

31:22

no Jesus on the cross, because

31:24

he's resurrected. We're like

31:26

Easter Sunday, you guys are Good Friday. Right, we're

31:28

Good Friday all the time. And that's

31:30

not a happy place to be. But can I say, I

31:34

used to be super, like a typical New

31:36

England anti-Catholic Protestant, in the same way that

31:38

Catholics. Why did you guys all hate us

31:41

so much? What's the problem? No,

31:43

I'm with you. Like we have a

31:45

wonderful fish fry, you're allowed. We invite everybody.

31:47

I didn't feel like the invitation was sincere.

31:51

He was on a goddamn plasterboard

31:54

on two steaks from Home Depot in a

31:56

yard. What more do you want?

31:58

We don't have the money. for a billboard

32:00

please Pete, come on over. I mean we

32:03

did everything, open to the public. We

32:05

had gambling, we had alcohol. See, I know

32:07

that's kind of what our issue was to

32:09

be honest. We were over here, can I

32:12

say, the cabbats were always smoking in front

32:14

of the church. Yeah, we smoke everywhere. I

32:16

know, and that was when we were like,

32:18

that's really gave us some high ground to

32:20

stand on. Oh Joe Camel over

32:22

there with his dishes in the crowd. Well

32:24

yeah, but Joe Camel is better than Joe,

32:26

drinky I would think. Joe. Yeah,

32:29

Joe Beer. That's also Joe Camel, he had a

32:31

huge problem. Oh okay. Old

32:33

Dick Price Camel. Well I didn't picture the Lutherans

32:35

or the Episcopalians as not ever having beers. They're

32:39

not like Pentecostals or Church of Christ.

32:41

Look, I wasn't

32:43

anti-Catholic, but I did,

32:46

when I was young. You thought we weren't on

32:49

board. I did,

32:51

I think Catholics were going to hell. Probably, I

32:53

thought everybody was going to hell. It was a

32:55

drag. Oh boy, I didn't. You

32:57

didn't believe it? Well I didn't think

32:59

you guys were going to hell. I just,

33:01

I actually secretly, I said

33:03

to my dad one time, Fish, and I go, the

33:06

more I read, I kind of agree with Martin

33:08

Luther, right? I go, how come nobody

33:10

in our family? He goes, I did too. I go, but we

33:12

didn't, the problem was being

33:14

Catholic in Ireland was

33:17

a political stance as well.

33:19

So we couldn't give

33:21

it up, even though philosophically, we

33:23

were like, this whole Pope thing.

33:26

I go, is he infallible? My mom believes

33:28

all of that to this

33:30

day. She's low-carb communion. Oh yeah, she's your

33:32

bells and apples or whistles. Bells and apples

33:35

and whistles. That's my mom. But my dad

33:37

was always like, I don't know. I think

33:39

Martin Luther was probably, but he goes, but

33:41

he's Germanic and he's too strict. It's just

33:43

be fun to be a Catholic. It's more

33:45

fun. Like it wasn't so serious.

33:47

There's cigarettes. I didn't think you guys were going

33:49

to hell or nothing. I

33:52

never understood why we got judged so harshly. I

33:54

think it was more cultural, like

33:57

being real. Like it was like, it seemed

33:59

old. You know what I mean? Like the

34:01

church. Right. That's tradition. I

34:04

know. That's the fun part. No,

34:06

I understand. Please understand. I don't feel

34:08

this way now. I'm talking about when I was an I

34:10

really wouldn't care if you did. High

34:12

and tight haircut, judgy

34:15

McJudgy. And I

34:17

probably was like, they don't know it. But now

34:19

the older I get, the more

34:21

I see that Christianity, it's weird that we

34:23

got to this part now, but

34:27

is so much more about Good Friday,

34:29

is about the solidarity of God's suffering

34:31

with us. That like God's involvement in

34:34

the predicament of being human, as

34:36

opposed to, and I'm going to kind of put down

34:38

the Protestants, the Easter Sunday

34:40

is gone. It's

34:44

all about like, this is just a waiting room. It's

34:46

just an evacuation plan. Whereas

34:48

when Jesus is on the cross, that has a

34:50

lot more information for my life, as opposed to

34:53

just kind of hold your nose and get through

34:55

this and we'll be in Heaven soon. And He'll rise

34:57

and we'll all be good. Exactly. It

35:00

has to be more than, this is Richard Rohr,

35:02

it has to be more than like an evacuation

35:04

plan. If you believe this, you'll be good later.

35:06

But when Jesus is on the cross, you go

35:08

like, oh, me too. You know what

35:10

I mean? Like, we're all getting, this

35:12

is hard. Yeah. And scary. Yeah. And your

35:14

dad let you down. So,

35:17

you know, if you have parents

35:20

that have let you down every now and again,

35:23

it's not the end of the world. I completely

35:25

agree. Seriously. When he says, oh

35:27

my God, my dad, why have you forsaken

35:29

me? Yeah. Yeah. Well, you know, shit happens.

35:32

And parents aren't really on the ball sometimes.

35:34

And it, unfortunately

35:36

for him, was really bad timing. It's

35:40

a good story though. I

35:43

mean, it's frightening if

35:45

you're little. No, I'm so

35:47

with you. When you find out

35:49

that there's something called sin, and

35:52

good news, you've already done it. Right.

35:55

Whatever it was, it was so horrid. By

35:57

two, by one, by zero. The

36:00

minute I was born, I did it. Well,

36:02

there was the age of accountability. I believe

36:04

the Catholic Church at seven. I'm

36:06

not positive. Oh yeah, my dad used to say seven

36:08

is the age of reason. Yeah, the age of reason.

36:10

But that's a law thing too. Which is another terrifying

36:12

idea, that you're like going to heaven, going to heaven,

36:14

going to heaven, you turn seven, you smoke a cigarette,

36:16

and you're like whoops a doodle, and now- I just

36:19

never believed in that. I love it, how'd you dodge

36:21

it? Well, because my-

36:23

You're out there screaming with your dad, telling the state, go

36:25

ahead. No, my dad was always like, your mother's gonna believe

36:27

in it, here's how we're gonna look at this. I'm

36:30

loving your dad. I'm loving your dad. He was

36:32

just like, he was a lawyer, but he majored

36:34

in philosophy and everything. He was more of a

36:36

like a let's think this through logic guy. If

36:38

A is B, then B can't be C. Your mother

36:40

finds comfort in it, just go along

36:42

with it. And I'm like,

36:45

okay. Your mother finds comfort in it. You're

36:47

in a boat. Yeah, we're in a fishing

36:49

boat. He's smoking sticks, we got beer, eating

36:51

care. Can I just have one drink of

36:53

your bush beer? Bush. Bush.

36:56

Oh, head for the mountains. Yeah, yeah,

36:58

yeah. I was so

37:00

happy in a Catholic school when I found out that

37:03

it was a corporation, that the Catholic church was

37:05

basically run like a corporation. There was God, there

37:07

was Jesus. And I won't do

37:09

the jokes, but I do do jokes

37:12

about, I was amazed by my Christian

37:14

friends who would be like, well, just

37:16

ask Jesus. They just went straight. To

37:18

Jesus. Right, I'm like, oh no. Where

37:20

did you go? Well, there's a thousand

37:22

patron saints and

37:26

there's over 10,000 saints. So

37:28

whatever your issue is, you had a- It's

37:30

patron. No, it's patron.

37:32

Patron. No, it's not patron. Patron

37:34

saints. No. It

37:37

is. Patron meaning I'm the patron

37:39

of travel and whatever. This

37:41

is where it gets a little goofy. You guys

37:43

fringe on Hindu. No, this is where we divide

37:45

the chores. It's also like it's a lot of

37:47

deities. Jesus is too busy to give a shit

37:49

if I make it to Cleveland. That's Jesus's whole

37:51

thing. On my flight. God was too busy, so

37:53

he was like, talk to my son. You sound

37:55

like my sister. I sound like Logan Roy being

37:57

like, talk to fucking, talk to Kendall. I didn't

37:59

have time for that. Logan doesn't

38:01

have time? Kendall's Jesus? Kendall has to

38:03

take the calls. No, Kendall's got assistance

38:06

and whatever. You guys are praying to

38:08

Cameron. Well, yeah. You're fucking praying

38:10

to Shiv. It could be saying, Bob. You're

38:12

praying to Marsha. Shiv would be fine if she

38:14

can do it. Catholics are praying to Greg. Everyone

38:17

has an assignment. Catholics are praying to Greg in

38:19

succession. That's right. Yeah, Greg might get you done.

38:21

Go straight to Kendall. Just when you think, I

38:23

don't like Kendall. I'd rather go with Greg, even

38:26

though he's a little snake. He's

38:28

snakey. As wonderful as that show was, they didn't

38:30

take the Greg arc as far as I wanted

38:33

them to. Because they wanted him to become more

38:35

evil. I wanted to see him become more evil.

38:37

I'm also tired of that show, though. I love

38:39

Brian Cox as an actor and every

38:41

interview and as a grandfather.

38:44

But there's nobody you can root

38:46

for in that show. And I

38:48

find a show like that, that's

38:50

what's missing. That's interesting. I rooted

38:52

for Kendall. You rooted for

38:55

Kendall? I

38:57

was rooting for Kendall. I was rooting for

38:59

Shiv. I would fucking tell Kendall. Go drink

39:01

all the beers, do all the cocaine. Stop,

39:04

man. Stop. You're whiny, you're pissy. And one

39:06

day you're drunk, you don't know what happened.

39:08

Stop. You're an adult. I wanted him to

39:10

take over. I wanted him

39:13

to get the business. Yeah, oh,

39:15

I only talk like, oh, this,

39:17

oh, Shiv, do you think we

39:19

should call dad? You

39:22

need fucking. They say fucking

39:25

when they're thinking. They go, oh, well, yeah. This

39:27

is a fucking dad's dad.

39:30

Off the hook. You have to

39:32

say something kind of hip hop. Brian

39:34

Cox hates his acting. And

39:37

he did a giant article about it. I'm

39:39

like, that's my Scottish man. That's my Scottish

39:41

grandpa. You tell him he's fucking nuts. Well,

39:43

he didn't like that he was

39:46

always in character. His methods. But

39:48

I expect that from a guy who

39:50

every word. This

39:52

is not my thing. You didn't. And

39:55

then Greg looks exactly like a comedian

39:58

in Denver. The name could

40:00

be. And I can't get beyond that. Oh, there's

40:02

a real comedian in Denver. Yeah, his name's Chris

40:04

Wathy. He looks exactly like

40:06

Greg. And I'm like, but I did

40:08

think they, I agree with you, they

40:10

should have gone further with that. I

40:13

just would have liked it. I'd watch the Greg

40:15

spinoff. I wanted to see

40:17

him get more evil. We don't even know what Greg

40:19

gets, remember? Sorry to make this a succession. No, no,

40:21

no, no, it's okay. But he was supposed to get

40:23

what his uncle was supposed to get, which would be

40:26

part of the empire, which would be, his

40:28

father. He mocks him over and goes with Logan,

40:30

and then they're like, you're gonna get five million

40:32

from- Nah, you trusted Logan. Because you went with

40:34

Logan, but we don't know what he got from

40:36

Logan, but we can assume he didn't get anything,

40:38

but he's gonna get five mil from his uncle,

40:40

but I don't know, it was kind of left

40:42

out. I think he made a horrible decision there.

40:44

Yeah. But- Yeah. Also,

40:47

you're looking at your weird dad. His

40:51

weird dad? Yeah, in the show, or is

40:53

it his uncle? It's Brian Cox's, okay. Yeah,

40:55

I didn't see much coming down that pike.

40:58

So I guess if you're Greg and you're young, you go,

41:00

I'm gonna go with the Cowboys. Over

41:02

the- Logan says it, because I'm fun. Well,

41:05

he is fun. Yeah, and he is fun. Yeah, the devil's

41:07

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45:34

All right, back to the show. Not boring.

45:36

Sometimes it's not fun at all.

45:39

I'm gonna bring this to you

45:41

and farm. Some people would rather

45:43

have their lives be complicated and

45:45

stressful and insane but it's

45:47

like death before boredom. You live

45:49

in a farm. It seems like you're okay

45:51

with quiet. It's not a

45:54

riff. It's not a roast. Well I have a farm but

45:56

I don't live on it. You live on a farm. I

45:58

live on the lake. You live on the farm. want me

46:00

to live on the farm? Okay, I do go to

46:02

the hunting cabin sometimes, and if you don't spend the night-

46:04

Hunting cabin. If you don't care about mice, you can spend

46:07

the night there, and it's fine. What do you do at

46:09

the hunting cabin? Well, sometimes you just spend the night there.

46:12

If there's mice, and you don't mind. Well, if you

46:14

don't mind the mice. Yeah, but it are the meth

46:16

heads that might come on a horse with guns. Come

46:19

again? Yep. There's a family

46:21

that lives down the road, and there's a lot

46:23

of meth heads down there. What are you, the

46:25

lady I meet at the gas station in Act

46:27

One of the horror movie and the video? Well,

46:30

there's a family up there. That's why my mom always

46:32

had a gun. She goes, they show

46:34

up with guns, I'll show them my gun,

46:36

chase them off the property, and she did,

46:38

but they are methy. I go, mom, this

46:41

isn't like a normal cowboy movie. They'd come

46:43

to the circle of the house on horseback?

46:45

They don't circle it. They

46:47

come up to let you know they're there. It's

46:49

a presence thing. It's a threatening thing, but- Were

46:53

you there? Oh, I've been there. I've seen

46:55

the Burns boys all the time. The Burns

46:57

boys? I know exactly who they are. When

47:00

I say boys, they're like 48. They're

47:03

not boys. That's always scary when a group

47:05

of men are still called boys. Because they

47:07

still live where mama- The Mason boys? They're

47:10

all the property. And they still love mama. And

47:12

it's not the farm, it's the property. The property.

47:15

And they, if I'm hearing you right,

47:18

the wicked Burns boys will,

47:21

shirtless I'm assuming, get

47:23

their guns and their jugs of

47:25

moonshine and drive a truck over

47:27

to- Not a truck, a horse.

47:29

They come on a horse. Forgive

47:31

me, with one horsepower. That's more

47:33

threatening. It is. Even

47:36

though the horse- Throwback threatening. You can see

47:38

on the horse's face, he's like, I'm not

47:40

with these guys. Yeah, right. Like,

47:42

the horse is trying to be like, I'm sorry.

47:44

I'm a sweet animal that could just be bought

47:46

for 180 bucks. I

47:48

have to go where it leads me. The

47:51

Burns boys have the reins. And they're not

47:53

gonna really do nothing. Don't fall for it.

47:55

Horse's fake threats, fake threats. But what are

47:57

they doing? Do they wanna take your mother's

47:59

land? Why are they making their presence? They

48:01

don't like that we are there. Why? Because

48:04

in their minds, because no one ever

48:06

owned that property, it was like not

48:09

owned. They think it's theirs. So

48:12

it was for sale by the county

48:14

or whatever. So me and my dad

48:16

and one of my sisters threw in

48:18

a bunch of money and bought it. And

48:21

they don't like they don't honor that sale. Now

48:25

they were like, no, what do you

48:27

count as schmouny? Right. These lands belong.

48:29

Government don't mean government don't mean

48:31

shit to the birds. Except for

48:33

them checks we cash every Friday from permanent

48:35

and partial disability. Now that matters.

48:38

Burns boys. Yeah. Burns boys. Where

48:40

do you guys work? Well, I mean, but disability.

48:42

It's always disability with the rednecks. Always.

48:44

OK. They did

48:46

ask my dad one time for permission to fish

48:49

in the river out back. And

48:51

my dad's like, you're welcome. And

48:54

he knows better. You can't tell him no. And

48:56

they are welcome to fish or your

48:59

dad is reasoning. They're going to do it anyway. So I

49:01

might as well say yes. Yeah. And make

49:03

him feel like he goes, but

49:05

hunting wise, you know, we he's

49:08

got brothers and stuff that hunt out there. Just be

49:10

careful. There's already hunters here now and they don't like

49:12

all that. So then they come

49:14

and make their presence known. Yeah. And try to scare my

49:16

mom and stuff. And what do they think?

49:18

I guess they're not thinking, but do they

49:20

think she's going to be like, all right. You're

49:23

you're trying to reason with a meth head that

49:25

showed up on a pony. Yeah. I mean. And

49:27

then your mom comes out with a gun and what

49:29

does she crack a few into the air? Now she

49:31

just come out with a gun and say, you

49:33

know, Jack's out in the woods right now. You

49:36

want me to call him? Meaning she's scared shitless

49:38

because my dad is out literally in the woods

49:40

somewhere. And we don't there's no cell phone service

49:42

out there. Yeah, we can't call him. But

49:44

she wants them to think that I go, Mom,

49:47

whatever is going on in your your episodes from

49:49

Law and Order or I.D. channel,

49:51

whatever you're watching, these

49:53

people don't watch those shows. So

49:55

it's not going to translate. Or

49:58

it'll be fresh and it'll work. Maybe.

50:01

It's hard when

50:03

you're dealing with super dummies. I

50:06

don't know what they're thinking. So

50:08

will you still go up and we'll

50:10

spend a night knowing that the burdens

50:12

boys are lurking? Yeah. There's

50:14

nothing to steal. There's nothing to gain. They're

50:17

going to come. They're mad. We're there, but they're

50:19

kind of over that. And

50:22

now they already did their one-time

50:24

robbery. They robbed the place. Yeah.

50:26

And you knew did the sheriff come and go,

50:28

yeah, it looks like the burns boys like, yeah,

50:30

well, actually, yeah, my dad was like, there were

50:32

only two things of value. If they show up

50:34

back up at the used hardware store or like

50:36

a tools or something, they're like, uh, burns

50:39

boys get out there again. It's

50:42

just known and you're like, don't keep

50:44

valuables out there. I'm like, dad, you shouldn't have left

50:46

those tools. That's on you, man. It's not on the

50:48

burns boys. The burn boys are a

50:50

point. Yeah. And now it's on us

50:53

in a very literal way. It is very much on

50:55

the burns boys, but

50:57

in another more folksy way. It's so on

50:59

your dad. Well, in a back ass woods way.

51:01

BAW. Yeah. In a

51:03

ball away. So let me

51:05

ask you, you were raised near

51:08

the lake in St. Louis, which is three

51:10

hours away, but you would go there on the weekend. Yes.

51:13

And now you're a grown woman. Yes. And

51:15

you chose to go there. Yes.

51:18

What's going on? Because

51:21

I'm actually hopeful when I asked that, like you

51:23

liked your life. Like you wanted to stay there.

51:25

I love the lake. I want to boat. I

51:27

want to go fishing. I want to go golfing.

51:29

I love the farm. I like being on my

51:31

outdoor cat. Like I was called Lewis, my best

51:33

friend, Lewis Black. And he's an indoor cat. I'm

51:36

an outdoor cat. I hate being inside. I want to be

51:38

outside. Yeah. And if I live in St. Louis, it's just

51:40

too crowded. Like I live in Nashville

51:43

when I'm really hitting the road hard because the

51:45

airport in the Ozarks is too far away. And

51:47

one of my friends was like, well,

51:49

I'll just bring my jet in. I go, that would be

51:51

fine. But I don't know where you plan on landing it.

51:54

Wow. There's no who had a jet. Ron

51:56

White. I'll just bring my

51:58

jet. Yeah. I'll bring taters. salad in and

52:00

he painted that on the plane. It's

52:03

a tater salad. It does. It says it

52:05

in gold. He's very funny. He's very funny. And

52:07

so is Lewis. He's done the show twice. Has

52:09

he? He's a delightful man. He's a wonderful man.

52:11

He would think that he's like that angry all

52:13

the time. I know. Actually, I think

52:15

if you watch his most recent special, you

52:17

see more of the real Lewis. Like he's

52:19

well, I was like, reel it in, buddy.

52:22

Don't get that sentimental. Oh, really? Yeah.

52:24

Don't show your true heart to.

52:26

Well, you can some. Yeah. But I'm like,

52:29

the COVID thing really affected the heart. I'm

52:31

like, just reel it in a little bit. Yeah,

52:33

yeah, yeah. We can't have a whole special. You

52:35

crying. It

52:38

doesn't cry. Why is the closing? Yes,

52:41

save it. You can't be calling it back. Save it for the

52:43

end. You can't be a reprieve. And then you

52:45

can call something back where it's ha ha hee

52:47

hee again. Yeah. Let's let that. Let's that. I

52:49

saw his heart just bursting out and he just

52:52

couldn't help it. Yeah, he's. And I was like,

52:54

that's cool. Because it felt real, I

52:56

suppose. It was very real. But also your point, Stan.

52:58

It's very sincere. So you live in Nashville when you're

53:00

heading the road hard. Yes. And then whenever I

53:02

can, I go to the Ozars. I

53:05

will stop in St. Louis and see my cousins. And then

53:07

I go straight to the Ozars. And you

53:10

scare the Burns boys out like raccoons.

53:13

Yeah, I don't care. They

53:15

don't bother me. I mean, I get what

53:17

they're doing. It's a Redneck game. But

53:20

I mean, I have a gun. You

53:23

all want to have a shootout? No,

53:26

right? No, I wouldn't. I mean, if

53:28

that's what you want to if you shoot first, I

53:30

shoot back. You'll shoot some people. Yes,

53:32

I absolutely would. You're just going to. You're on my

53:35

property. If you shoot at me and my mom. Yeah.

53:37

Then yes, I will shoot you back. Yeah. And I'll

53:39

try not to hit the horse. Yeah,

53:41

that horse. That's not the horse's

53:44

fault. Hard with his horse. Again, do

53:46

it with Kathleen. I'm the biggest target

53:48

here. I don't want it to come to that,

53:50

but I feel like it could. Yeah. I

53:53

saw it's a relaxing place. I

53:57

tried to do a bit once where I was. I

54:00

was like, it's so funny in

54:02

the city. I've always lived in cities and

54:04

it's like, and we're so proud of ourselves that

54:07

we don't have guns, right? And

54:09

it's like, yeah, because there's cops patrolling around and

54:11

you call guns. There are other people with guns.

54:13

You order guns. I'm not trying to be funny.

54:15

Right. I'm just saying that's

54:17

kind of what's behind our coastal

54:20

elite, like, well, I don't own a gun. And

54:22

then when you're, I'm always, I never

54:24

did on stage, but I was like, but you

54:27

realize like if you lived in the Ozarks, not

54:30

for the Burns boys, but for a bear or a

54:32

four, whatever. My biggest thing, snakes. Snakes.

54:34

People don't, copperheads, water moccasins. I mean,

54:37

we have a lot. You gotta blow them away. If I

54:39

go into the barn and then we get a four wheeler

54:41

out for one of the kids or something, I

54:43

absolutely will shoot that snake. Yeah. It

54:46

can kill any of us.

54:48

The kids, it can kill the dog. It can kill

54:50

anything. There is also. And there's plenty

54:52

more. Boop. So when people have

54:55

heads. They're not endangered. No. Copperheads. No,

54:57

they have like 25 at a time. Yeah. No

55:00

snake. Don't talk about snake babies.

55:02

Right. Snake babies in balls and they come out in

55:04

the spring in a ball. They come out of their hole

55:06

in a ball. They do not. Absolutely.

55:08

They do a ball of snake babies. Yeah.

55:11

And they unwind the ball in the winter. They go

55:13

in their hole and they ball up for warmth and

55:15

they intertwine. And then you should see the

55:17

rattlesnakes in Texas when they come out and those balls,

55:19

it's like this big of a ball of rattlesnakes. Like

55:21

Indiana Jones. Yeah. Look,

55:24

I covered it for ESPN two once. I

55:26

love that it couldn't make the regular ESPN because

55:30

I'm on the edge of my seat. Couldn't that

55:32

make the headlining ESPN? Rattlesnake Roundup, big spring

55:34

Texas. I made it to two. Yep.

55:37

Look, I try to have compassion for all

55:39

animals, but if I saw a ball of

55:41

snakes and a fire, I would toss it in

55:43

and it would be like, oh,

55:45

that's faint scream. Oh.

55:49

And I would never, I would never

55:51

think about it again except to brighten

55:53

my day. Remember when I

55:55

tossed that ball of snakes? I

55:58

would do it too like a garden. snake

56:00

or something I wouldn't I'd let it go a

56:02

gentle one a gentle one but the problem with

56:04

the black snakes is it's hard to tell the

56:06

difference between a black snake and a cotton mouth

56:08

a cotton mouth that's another kind of snake yes

56:10

it's a very very bad and then they tell

56:13

you well look at the shape of its head

56:15

if it's a triangle yeah it's bad yeah and

56:17

if it's the rounded head but I don't want

56:19

to ever get that close so

56:21

yeah if I'm close enough to

56:23

know that I've already died of

56:25

a heart attack yeah snakes should have that

56:27

bumper sticker that say if you can read

56:29

this yeah triangle triangle it should have like

56:31

the construction red triangle on the back yeah

56:33

so you know this one can kill me

56:35

that one's actually sweet and will eat mice

56:38

and rats and bad things right

56:42

but I I wonder how

56:44

you know when you live in that

56:46

area how your view on for example

56:48

like gun ownership changes I'm just trying

56:50

to have some sort of humility meaning

56:52

I get the sense

56:54

that I'm going along with the politics of my

56:56

locations you probably are and my grip well you've

56:58

already judged me for being Catholic and you already

57:01

judge me for living in the cup I couldn't

57:03

have been more clear what you're trying to understand

57:06

what is this I'm Anderson

57:08

Cooper interviewing a bumpkin well

57:10

yes tell me about your

57:12

ways you are Anderson Cooper

57:14

I live in a firehouse

57:16

in the West Village. What

57:19

would possess someone? Is

57:23

that your Kendall Roy or your Anderson

57:25

Cooper? No this is my Anderson and

57:28

it's always the super intellectual stutter yeah

57:31

that's right okay oh

57:33

oh how quaint the

57:36

others and

57:38

there's water there oh very

57:41

good I mean Anderson can be smart at

57:43

times but sometimes I find it very annoying

57:45

sure it's too much I'm just wondering how

57:47

where we live where we live is a

57:49

big part of our culture and our cult

57:51

what I'm saying is human being it doesn't

57:54

affect my politics living with these people

57:56

but it makes me understand the result

57:58

in politics All of my LA

58:01

and New York friends are like, there's no way Trump

58:03

will win. I'm like, you don't know what is

58:05

going on in the middle. And it doesn't just mean

58:07

Missouri and the Ozarks, it means Colorado, it means Wisconsin.

58:10

Driving on the road to 250 days a year. I'm

58:13

seeing barns that say Trump. You

58:15

guys, barns, it's painted Trump.

58:17

Like this is not, you all

58:19

think, cause you're all with like minds, me

58:22

and my friends out here or in New

58:24

York, you think it's completely far

58:27

fetched. Not only is it not far fetched, I'm

58:29

starting to think he's going to win. But

58:32

if you're, it makes me

58:34

understand more why they do it.

58:36

It doesn't make me agree with it. It doesn't switch

58:38

what I was brought up with and what I was

58:40

taught with. My dad was a liberal

58:43

workman's comp lawyer and a liberal

58:45

judge. But liberal for some of

58:47

my dad's age doesn't even apply.

58:49

He was old school Democrat, not

58:52

liberal would be like, this is

58:54

how not liberal my dad was, like still old

58:56

school. One time Gore was

58:58

debating Bush. Al Gore? Yes, and they

59:00

were talking about Vidal. Gore

59:04

Vidal. Gore Vidal. They were

59:06

talking about daycare. And

59:09

my dad goes, why in Christ's

59:11

name are we discussing babysitting in

59:14

a national debate? The

59:16

woman stays home. Where'd everybody get lost on

59:18

this one? I'm like, well, dad, it's

59:21

like 1990 something. Some

59:23

women want to work. Well, then the guy

59:25

stays home, but I judge that. So like

59:27

my dad. He lets you know that there

59:29

is an option. That's probably a little gay.

59:31

Just say more hippie. And he's like on

59:34

the hippie, he was more offended. My dad,

59:36

one time at this house when we lived

59:38

here, I was, Val was at, my

59:40

wife was out of town, I'm with the baby. And

59:42

I sort of lost my temper with my

59:44

parents because they were driving me crazy. And

59:47

my dad just goes, yes, not

59:49

right for the man to be home with the

59:51

baby. Then just like

59:53

your dad, just no problem saying that.

59:56

This isn't holy or right. And

59:58

you can't handle it. You just got mad at us. And

1:00:01

I'm like, you got me, we fucking make it. It's

1:00:03

nothing to do with my dick. If

1:00:06

you, oh my God, I'm still mad

1:00:09

about it. Yeah, so liberal's a wrong

1:00:11

word for guys that age. Old

1:00:14

school working man Democrat would be the

1:00:16

words that would apply. My dad was

1:00:18

a Democrat. They flipped, but he was

1:00:21

like that too. It wasn't liberal by

1:00:23

any stretch. Yeah, it's interesting

1:00:25

that the whole thing has become, and this

1:00:27

isn't a political podcast, but you seem interesting,

1:00:30

so I'll pursue. Your honor, I'm gonna

1:00:33

continue on this line of questioning. It's

1:00:36

interesting how it's become so extreme, you

1:00:38

know what I mean? And there doesn't

1:00:40

seem to be gradations. Well, that's the

1:00:42

thing. There is, so when

1:00:45

I'm in Ozarks, I'm amongst mostly all

1:00:48

of people that would be on the

1:00:50

right. But they're my friends, and

1:00:53

they know I'm not left left.

1:00:55

I'm not extreme. They,

1:00:57

some of them are right, right. But we

1:00:59

can sit around, and if you just talk

1:01:02

simply and go, would you agree that

1:01:05

A, B, and C are crazy? Yeah,

1:01:08

yes, Kathleen, I'd agree on that. Okay, great,

1:01:10

let's take those off the table. You move

1:01:13

to where there's common ground, but I don't

1:01:15

see any politician doing that because of who's

1:01:17

supporting them. They're not gonna allow that. The

1:01:19

super PACs aren't gonna go, oh hey, you

1:01:21

can go say whatever you want and come

1:01:23

to the table with these people, or

1:01:26

the other side too. They're bound by,

1:01:28

we gotta stop the campaign contributions. That's

1:01:30

the key. Right, the business

1:01:32

element of it. Right. Somebody,

1:01:34

they said this to me like a dirty

1:01:36

secret, but it was their idea. They

1:01:39

work in a political TV show, and

1:01:41

they were like, why? The

1:01:43

two issues that seem to be the

1:01:45

biggest are abortion for the right and

1:01:47

gun control for the left. I'm

1:01:50

oversimplifying. But it's like, he said, he almost whispered it

1:01:52

to me, like it was a dirty, you're not even

1:01:54

supposed to say this. Why aren't

1:01:56

those two issues then being

1:01:58

negotiated? Like, we'll give you

1:02:01

some here if you give us some here. I

1:02:03

don't think the ones I'd want it to ever end. It's

1:02:06

how they make money. Right,

1:02:08

it's like why didn't we have electric cars in 1983? I

1:02:11

see, yeah. This is such

1:02:14

a devilish mansion where I'm just, I

1:02:16

got excited that there was a door we haven't tried and

1:02:18

you're like, ah, there's just a big middle finger in there

1:02:20

too? Really? Yeah.

1:02:23

Then what's the hope, Kathleen? Because if you solve it,

1:02:25

well, we have to stop campaign contributions.

1:02:28

Like Bernie wanted to. Yes. The

1:02:30

1%. What? Remember when

1:02:32

you thought I would win? The

1:02:34

1% or the 1% or the 1%? Bernie,

1:02:37

me and Lewis, I do, I don't

1:02:39

think Bernie is plausible,

1:02:42

but I do. I don't

1:02:44

know why that seemed so mean. Well. I

1:02:47

don't think he's plausible. For 2024, but I do

1:02:49

love him. I

1:02:52

just love that he doesn't give a shit

1:02:54

about his delivery. He's like an old Jewish

1:02:56

grandpa that's just gonna go, you're wrong. You're

1:03:00

an idiot. You're a moron. All

1:03:03

of that's true. And I'm like, everything he just said

1:03:05

is correct. It's the delivery. Pawpaw,

1:03:08

let's calm down a little bit. Let's calm

1:03:10

down on the delivery. Get him a hot

1:03:13

oval team. But it's not within his makeup.

1:03:15

It's not within. I like that. I do

1:03:17

too, but a lot of people are off

1:03:19

put when he's like, this is what's wrong

1:03:21

with America. You're all morons and you're not

1:03:23

paying attention. And he's right. 400

1:03:25

people have 87% of the wealth. It's

1:03:28

our job to take their money away from them. Like,

1:03:30

oh hey Pawpaw, we can't do this. Well, he's like

1:03:32

an Old Testament prophet. That's my friend Rob Bell pointed

1:03:34

that out. He's like the book of Amos and

1:03:37

nobody likes a prophet. We kill prophets. We

1:03:40

hate prophets. We don't want truth, which

1:03:42

is why, I'm gonna run two

1:03:44

ideas by you. Roy Wood Jr. had this idea a

1:03:47

great bit where he's like, you can't beat

1:03:50

crazy. You have to run crazy against

1:03:52

crazy. You know what I

1:03:54

mean? Like if Trump is being splashy, we

1:03:56

should have some, that's why I thought Bernie

1:03:59

was maybe. wild enough to

1:04:02

be like, shut up, you're weird. You

1:04:04

know, like that. Well, he could do all that, but

1:04:06

he's also, the timing's bad, he's just

1:04:08

too old. Here's the other idea I'm gonna put, and

1:04:10

then you just take it. I think we should have

1:04:12

an entertainment president. I think you should vote for two

1:04:14

presidents. The real person who

1:04:17

does the job, this

1:04:19

person sucks, he's boring. Right, they're boring.

1:04:21

He's exactly who you would think should

1:04:23

be the president. He's into like law.

1:04:26

But it's not fun. He's not fun,

1:04:28

he's not charismatic. He doesn't communicate. No.

1:04:30

No. You just vote for this person

1:04:33

who will like burn the midnight oil.

1:04:36

You trust him with the button. He's

1:04:38

in the situation room, or she is

1:04:40

in the situation room, that following it,

1:04:42

high processing, smart, balanced, all these things,

1:04:44

but a dud. And

1:04:46

then you vote for who you want to

1:04:48

be. The entertainment. The entertainment president. And this,

1:04:51

this way, you can be a

1:04:53

Democrat and vote Trump. You can have Trump be

1:04:55

ours. And

1:04:58

then we get wild Trump being like, we need to do

1:05:00

something about these guns. These guns are killing people. There's

1:05:03

no reason you need this gun. Like he'll just go for

1:05:05

our eyesight. It doesn't matter, because we voted him in. Then

1:05:08

he gets to be the big shot, but

1:05:10

he'll be on our side. Or what I'm

1:05:12

saying is you can have Biden be the

1:05:14

secret real president, but we could have Terry

1:05:17

Crews be the entertainment president. Right, that would

1:05:19

be a fun idea. Or Morgan Freeman. To

1:05:21

make Biden look young, burn. Burn.

1:05:26

I'm as old as Jesus. I

1:05:29

remember Joe Biden when he was 28. We have this

1:05:31

new mayor in Nashville, and his name's Freddie O'Connell. And

1:05:34

he has glasses that make him look like a pervert

1:05:36

from the 70s. I don't know

1:05:38

what's going on with these eyeglasses. Like family

1:05:40

circus eyeglasses? Like a Sears weird portrait of

1:05:42

Jeffrey Dahmer. Like, it's awful.

1:05:44

Smile, think about the heads in the

1:05:47

freezer. There it is. He's

1:05:49

such a colossal nerd, which

1:05:52

is like what you're saying. We want that to be the

1:05:54

mayor. I want to scream nerd at the president. He

1:05:57

does it, communicate. Here's what I would do. But this

1:05:59

is why I... could be the fun person and go,

1:06:01

here's what we're gonna do, Freddie, you may or may

1:06:04

not like this, but every day we're gonna go to

1:06:06

a different pothole in Nashville, a

1:06:08

bad one that everybody hates every

1:06:10

fucking day. And you are gonna

1:06:12

help the guys fill it. It's gonna take you

1:06:14

a half an hour. Yeah, your day. Yeah. And

1:06:16

we're gonna put it on YouTube. This is gonna

1:06:18

become a thing. It's gonna be a real Yeah,

1:06:20

Freddie, your pothole, you'll be like, Hey, man, can

1:06:22

you come on over to 817? Yeah, Old

1:06:26

Hickory Boulevard, blah, blah, blah, he

1:06:28

become likable. They don't I but

1:06:30

I also feel bad. Like, so

1:06:34

like my dad, one of my dad strokes, this

1:06:36

neurosurgeon guy came in, and he left and there's

1:06:38

like 100 of us in the room and there's

1:06:40

only supposed to be four. But I have like

1:06:42

so many siblings and stuff. And he walked he

1:06:44

walked out my sister goes, he

1:06:47

was a dud. And

1:06:50

I go, right. I go,

1:06:52

but nobody ever says, Hey,

1:06:54

Kathleen super fun at a bar. I

1:06:56

don't know why she sucks at neurosurgery.

1:06:58

Yeah, like you can't you want a

1:07:00

dud. You want you want

1:07:02

a dad. But then you

1:07:05

want more. Yeah. Well, this is what

1:07:07

look, Cheney did terrible things. But that's

1:07:10

what that was. You had W. Bush,

1:07:12

who was the entertainment president. Absolutely. He's

1:07:14

pulling on lock doors. He's

1:07:16

confused. Yeah, I would say Kennedy,

1:07:18

John F. Kennedy Jr. McNamara was

1:07:20

really the president. Exactly. Right. These

1:07:22

guys knew let them so my

1:07:26

brother could do this, who's

1:07:28

47. I would let Patrick

1:07:30

be the president. But I would make

1:07:32

it's like if you had Bernie, I would make my

1:07:34

dad check his work like Monday, Wednesday, Friday. Yeah. And

1:07:36

say, What'd you do you little rap bastard? Show me

1:07:38

what you did. And then he'd tell him what was

1:07:41

wrong. And he'd have to go fix it. I don't

1:07:43

trust my brother completely. But

1:07:45

he's he while they're both fun.

1:07:47

So that's doesn't really fit the mold of

1:07:49

what we're talking about. But I feel like

1:07:51

if Bernie could find a younger man, yeah,

1:07:54

and go and entertainment VP. Yeah,

1:07:56

is this what you want? You want the old

1:07:58

guy from the Six Flags commercials? dancing to come out

1:08:01

and talk to you people while I do the

1:08:03

real work? I'll do it.

1:08:05

He should let his old hippie wife talk.

1:08:08

She's got no bro on. She

1:08:10

took her bro off. She burned it. He

1:08:13

never lets her talk. He doesn't let her talk. I couldn't get

1:08:15

into her picture. Well, I don't think that he's stopping her. She

1:08:17

just doesn't seem like a big talker. Well,

1:08:20

I like that you knew where I was kind of

1:08:22

getting at. I think there is something. We're asking too

1:08:24

much out of one person. The president? Yes. We're asking

1:08:26

you to be able to run the world and

1:08:29

an economy and all this and all

1:08:31

these relations. And then we also are

1:08:33

like, well, you are fucking boring. I

1:08:35

agree. Well, look,

1:08:38

you want fun. Get Caratops. Do

1:08:40

you feel comfortable with Caratops doing

1:08:42

foreign relations with Algeria? Do

1:08:48

you feel comfortable with Israel named Scott

1:08:50

Caratops sending a $65 billion aid package

1:08:53

to Ukraine? You're with me. Entertainment president

1:08:55

Caratop for entertainment president. Be so great.

1:08:57

And I don't care. Biden can be

1:09:00

the regular real president. The only person

1:09:02

that I really think fit both was

1:09:04

Arnold Schwarzenegger as the governor. I know.

1:09:06

I wish he could

1:09:08

run, but he can't. Everything that was crazy

1:09:10

now looks so quaint. Yeah. When we're all

1:09:13

like Hollywood muscle man

1:09:15

in charge of the fourth largest economy.

1:09:17

Sure. Why not? We're like, I will

1:09:19

do it. I will go to Sacramento

1:09:21

and I will do it. Be useful.

1:09:23

Just get out there. When you watch

1:09:25

his biography, you see that thing on

1:09:27

Netflix. Arnold. Yeah. He's a, he takes

1:09:29

everything seriously. So he will fucking try.

1:09:31

He's got a still face. And he's

1:09:33

like, you, we will finish this bill.

1:09:36

We're not going home. We're not ordering

1:09:38

Chinese food. Sit your ass down. And

1:09:41

I'm like, Jesus. I say, you're

1:09:44

like, yes. Yes. That's what you need. Where's your

1:09:46

pet donkey? I saw it on Instagram. I know

1:09:48

you have one that lives in the house. And

1:09:50

Trump has that to the fear of it. It's

1:09:52

like, sit your ass down. We're not going anywhere.

1:09:54

I'm leaving. I'm not doing anything. I'm not going

1:09:56

to do it. I need you people to attack

1:09:58

the Capitol. My bad. Don't say

1:10:00

I said that. Don't say I said it. Don't say I said

1:10:02

that. I didn't say it. I'm just saying if you walk that

1:10:04

way. If I wink like this it means do it. And if

1:10:07

you happen to have a weapon, I mean I

1:10:09

didn't say you didn't have one. Walk

1:10:12

that way. It's kind of like a... I'll be

1:10:14

right behind you. I mean really I'll be watching it on

1:10:16

TV. But whatever. I

1:10:18

watched that live that day and I thought my favorite

1:10:20

part was one that was... I don't know what you're

1:10:23

referencing. I'm just kidding. My

1:10:25

favorite part was when they were scaling the walls

1:10:27

but there were stairs available. Yeah,

1:10:29

you gotta do the wall scale. Now you're just an

1:10:31

actor. You had a vision of yourself. Well

1:10:33

you saw Lord of the Rings to two towers is what you did

1:10:35

and you were like I think you go up

1:10:37

the walls. The big ladders.

1:10:40

Or the giant staircase that's

1:10:42

totally available to everyone which is

1:10:44

now no longer available thanks to...

1:10:46

Oh really? No, they blacked it all

1:10:48

off. DC is... I'm gonna say it. Hot

1:10:51

take. Washington DC is about 98% stairs. It's

1:10:55

just staircases. Yeah, well now they're all blacked off. So you're

1:10:57

not gonna get to where you used to be able to

1:10:59

go. I feel like it's the shoe

1:11:01

bomber thing again. Really? We're all

1:11:03

gonna pay the penalty because of these people. You

1:11:05

ruined it and now we all get penalized forever?

1:11:08

When does it go away? Yeah.

1:11:11

It's also Q-tips. They don't put... They

1:11:13

don't say on the box you can put in your ear because

1:11:15

some guy went too deep. Yep. Well. That's

1:11:17

the shoe bomber of the year. But you can still buy your Q-tips and do

1:11:20

whatever you want with them. Lord knows. My

1:11:22

roommate put a Q-tip in his butt and he

1:11:25

swears he didn't do it but you don't forget

1:11:27

seeing something like that. He was

1:11:29

looking for something. He was worried about

1:11:31

something. Yeah. I don't

1:11:33

remember it. But it's like a secret thing you could

1:11:35

only maybe tell your mom. Like

1:11:38

if I went to bathroom and there

1:11:40

was some blood, you know, well I don't want to take it.

1:11:43

But he didn't want to do that so he took the Q-tip to see. I bet.

1:11:46

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modern mammals.com/weird. Alright everybody back to the

1:13:51

show. Will you tell me about

1:13:53

doing comedians in cars? I

1:13:56

was never asked. You know what I

1:13:58

want to ask him. Oh, why not? You

1:14:00

be me and ask, I'll be Jerry

1:14:02

and you say you're me and you

1:14:04

say did you ever consider me to

1:14:07

do comedians and cars? I'm Jerry and you're me. Okay,

1:14:10

would you ever consider me to do comedians and cars?

1:14:19

No, honestly Didn't

1:14:21

think about it. Yeah went ahead and

1:14:23

did my friends Sebastian do it

1:14:25

a third time. I don't care. Let's

1:14:27

just eat sandwiches quietly You

1:14:30

know the people that like kind of just

1:14:32

ate food with him. I was screaming at the

1:14:34

screen You I was like

1:14:36

mad. I was like what the fuck are

1:14:38

you doing? Well, what would you rather? Well,

1:14:41

we talked to him more Well,

1:14:44

but there's only so many things he likes to talk

1:14:46

about. All right, then eat your fucking sandwich

1:14:49

Well, we didn't eat. I'm still mad. I

1:14:51

just don't mad but you were great well,

1:14:54

we just don't I respect

1:14:57

Jerry for every everything he's done but I

1:15:00

Don't like he's like, oh he

1:15:02

all excited about the car. He's bringing. I'm like

1:15:05

What was your car? Oh It

1:15:08

was kind of boring, but I also

1:15:10

he was sweet about it. He's like it was small

1:15:12

practical concise and the

1:15:14

car of the year in

1:15:16

whatever small blue BMW Which

1:15:18

old old like from the

1:15:20

60s small? And

1:15:23

got the job done and like I'm

1:15:25

a solid road coming But

1:15:28

that's fine. Look at the windshield wiper

1:15:30

Catholic, but it goes up halfway pauses

1:15:32

then finishes and I'm like somehow Yeah,

1:15:35

I'm just like My

1:15:38

current car Jerry just so you know is a 2007 Mercury

1:15:40

Mariner That's

1:15:43

how interested I am in cars as long

1:15:45

as that thing still works. I'm gonna fucking

1:15:47

drive it I I have enough

1:15:49

money. I could go buy any goddamn car. I don't

1:15:51

I don't I'm not I hear not a car No,

1:15:54

you're not a car. I'd rather have a horse You'd

1:15:57

rather be with the burns boys me and the burns boys

1:15:59

to get along if they could stop the meth.

1:16:02

I gotta get a rule there. You can drink,

1:16:04

but we gotta stop the meth. Cherry

1:16:07

just, he likes, he loves work.

1:16:10

I love work. I don't.

1:16:14

You don't love work. I love it, I love. Oh

1:16:16

no, no, you didn't see any judgment on my

1:16:18

face. I don't love it enough.

1:16:21

He loves it. He won't,

1:16:23

he would miss it, like during COVID, I was

1:16:26

like, oh, this goes

1:16:28

on a few more years. I

1:16:31

gotta get some more money to retire. Yeah, yeah,

1:16:33

yeah. No, I remember washing a dish and being

1:16:35

like, this could be my life, washing

1:16:37

a dish. I watched Birds one morning, I'm

1:16:39

like, wow. Yeah, and Jerry was like,

1:16:42

how did we get back out there? And

1:16:44

Tony Robbins was like, we found a new technology

1:16:46

that gets me in front of 100 million people

1:16:48

over time. And I'm like, you are all

1:16:50

enjoying the peace and quiet that we've been given.

1:16:53

I mean, it was hard if you're a nurse

1:16:55

or teacher, but I don't wanna get it. Jerry,

1:16:57

I don't actually agree with that, I'm

1:17:00

just kidding, just like the weirdest hot take. Fuck

1:17:02

him. Yeah, who cares? Well, because I, fuck him.

1:17:04

Yeah, no, I know, you said it in your act. Right. You

1:17:07

said. The guy that's just desperate for clicks.

1:17:09

Jerry, it's just, we're just

1:17:11

very different. Yeah. Like I wouldn't, I

1:17:14

don't think he would choose to hang

1:17:16

out with me because we don't really have any, like

1:17:19

I love to golf and go fishing. Yeah.

1:17:21

He wants to go to work and he likes cars.

1:17:24

Right. Kind of the same with Leno. Yeah.

1:17:28

I was better friends with his wife. Mavis?

1:17:31

Yeah. Cause she's got a giant

1:17:33

well-rounded, she could talk

1:17:35

about literature and history and like, and

1:17:37

she's fun and like

1:17:40

if he was at the gig, comedy magic club all the

1:17:42

time, if he didn't come with her, I'm like, fuck.

1:17:45

But. I'm like, really, but

1:17:47

I'd say it to his face, I'm like, he

1:17:49

left the fun half at home. Yeah, sorry. Yeah,

1:17:52

but she didn't wanna come out. She didn't wanna

1:17:54

go, she said I watched him the crown. She's

1:17:56

halfway through the crown. I couldn't watch it. I

1:17:59

couldn't watch it. We already know the story. We

1:18:01

know what happened. We already know what happened. We can look at

1:18:03

the headlines. I still remember all the

1:18:05

jokes. Princess Di. I

1:18:08

have more like Princess Di. God, it went off

1:18:10

like seven months. Who killed her? The

1:18:13

puritans and the dare folk and the French

1:18:15

and fucker. I,

1:18:17

yeah. So, comedians and cars was

1:18:20

like, fine. You know? I mean, I

1:18:22

had a nice date with Jerry. Yeah. Not

1:18:25

a big deal. We just don't have a lot. It

1:18:27

wasn't like a big deal for you. That

1:18:30

was one of the last things that like, I'm actually

1:18:32

nostalgic for the Pete that was like, would

1:18:34

really like to do it. And I don't really

1:18:36

think I, I don't, what, is there anything else

1:18:39

that you really want to do? Like that really

1:18:41

gets your goat? No. That's what

1:18:43

I'm saying. I mean, I, I don't know. You

1:18:45

just want to save up enough cash so you can

1:18:47

have your scratch offs and your Siggy's. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

1:18:49

And catch a fish and throw it back. Catch

1:18:53

it again. Be like, go golf. Kiss it twice. Call it a

1:18:55

moron. You're a moron. Throw

1:18:58

it back at the lake. You're one

1:19:00

percent. I, you

1:19:02

know, I don't know, like three, four cats showed

1:19:04

up during go in. I just kept them. And

1:19:08

that's how you know. I just, you're

1:19:11

about to do a jigsaw puzzle. And

1:19:13

at the end you realize it's your own funeral. Like it's

1:19:15

like you go, oh, no. I'm

1:19:19

googling how long can outdoor cats live? No, but I mean,

1:19:21

I love them. I love them, but I didn't realize

1:19:23

when I liked them when they're so little, this is like

1:19:25

a commitment. But whatever.

1:19:27

You took them in. I

1:19:29

didn't mean like, so you're, are you entering

1:19:32

into your kooky phase? Like your retirement? No,

1:19:34

no, no, no, no, not yet. No, that's got to be put off

1:19:36

for a while. But I feel like, oh. We

1:19:39

will do it eventually. Yes. Abs, fuck it. You

1:19:42

will never hear from me again. Yeah. I

1:19:44

mean, I liked the Johnny Carson. I'm out. Yeah.

1:19:47

And all you saw him was at Wimbledon. Yep. And

1:19:50

I don't even know where else you would

1:19:52

have seen him. Well, I sincerely

1:19:54

admire that you, you have the, the

1:19:56

quality that you can enjoy yourself.

1:20:00

I'm not making fun of Leno, but one of the lines

1:20:02

that he used to use it in interviews

1:20:05

and stuff, was he was like, I'm the kind of guy,

1:20:07

I sit on the beach. I'm

1:20:09

sitting there, I'm like, it's gotta be like

1:20:11

three o'clock. You know, I sit

1:20:13

there at nine a.m., I'm like, it's gotta be like three o'clock, I've

1:20:15

been here forever, I look at the clock, it's nine, 10. And

1:20:18

I'm always like, that's a nightmare. Like, that's

1:20:21

an issue, and we all have it to

1:20:23

a certain extent, but I like that you're

1:20:25

like, able to enjoy, and

1:20:29

looks like you're carving out time in your life to

1:20:31

enjoy your life. I feel like, especially

1:20:33

with, I don't know, I

1:20:35

think truly some of it has to do with just being Irish.

1:20:38

Don't ever give us just enough money.

1:20:41

Because we won't do anything more. You

1:20:44

wanna motivate me, you gotta keep them. Yeah,

1:20:46

because Ireland, they never had anything.

1:20:49

Like, if they did, the Brits

1:20:51

took it. So we're used

1:20:53

to culturally just, you

1:20:56

know, if you had a few beers today, it was a great day. Move

1:20:59

on to the next day. But you can't, like,

1:21:01

I don't understand, if you give me 10

1:21:04

million, and look at all the comedians

1:21:06

that that has happened to, that's not

1:21:08

enough. They want more, and

1:21:11

more, and where does that stop? How

1:21:13

many accountants do you need now to manage that

1:21:15

money? How many tax people do you have to

1:21:17

help with the tax? It's just, it's

1:21:19

more work, but they don't see that. They see

1:21:21

it as success or whatever into each his own.

1:21:23

But like, people go,

1:21:26

well, don't you, yes, I love staying up when I'm

1:21:28

doing it, but I also love fishing, I also love

1:21:30

golfing. I wanna go travel to places where I don't

1:21:32

wanna go, like, I was like, oh, I wanna

1:21:34

go to Nova Scotia. I've always wanted to go to Nova Scotia, and

1:21:36

there's a great golf course up there, blah, blah, blah. And

1:21:38

somebody goes, you know, there's a club. No, I don't

1:21:40

wanna fucking work. I want

1:21:43

to go to Nova Scotia. I

1:21:45

have no desire to do a show when

1:21:47

I'm there. I just wanna go as a

1:21:49

human being, and go not have

1:21:51

to think about, oh, I've got a weird show

1:21:53

in a tavern. I hope this

1:21:56

goes well for all eight people that show

1:21:58

up. We're very similar. Like

1:22:00

when the times that I've been in, like I went

1:22:02

to Amsterdam and people are like, there's a show. I'm

1:22:05

like, what are you out

1:22:07

of your mind? Like what? I'm on

1:22:09

vacation. And I don't do comedy passively.

1:22:11

Like if I have a show, I have a

1:22:13

show tonight. I woke up this morning, kind of

1:22:15

thinking about what bits I might do tonight. Where's

1:22:17

your show tonight? I'd rather not say.

1:22:19

All right. It's a

1:22:22

secret show. That's how a

1:22:24

lot of comedians that are super successful role.

1:22:26

Like they keep all their shit secret.

1:22:29

And then it's your job to find it. Well,

1:22:32

where do you go to buy your comedy? Exactly,

1:22:35

nowhere. Oh, no, the comedy store. It was

1:22:37

trying to be a hint. Oh,

1:22:40

the comedy store. You know, it's funny.

1:22:42

It reminds me of a Krishna story.

1:22:44

I mentioned Hinduism earlier. And

1:22:46

it's one of those stories where Krishna is just like

1:22:49

a blue person walking around. And

1:22:51

he and his travel partner go

1:22:53

to a rich guy's house. And

1:22:56

the rich guy, I

1:22:58

want to get the order right. Yeah,

1:23:01

the rich guy lets them stay in his barn.

1:23:04

They're looking for a place to stay. So they go stay

1:23:07

in my barn with the animals. You can sleep on the

1:23:09

floor. Like a Jesus and Mary type. Very similar. And

1:23:11

in the morning, Krishna casts a spell

1:23:13

to double the guy's wealth. They

1:23:16

go on at the end of the second day, they

1:23:18

come to a poor guy's house. All he has is

1:23:20

one skinny cow that he gets all of his food

1:23:22

and his milk from and his meager

1:23:24

house. But he lets Krishna and his companions sleep

1:23:26

in his bed and he sleeps in the barn,

1:23:28

the poor guy. And in the

1:23:31

morning, Krishna casts a spell to kill the

1:23:33

cow. And they're walking on.

1:23:36

And his companion says to Krishna, like, I don't

1:23:38

understand. Why did you double the wealth of the

1:23:40

first guy? And why did you kill the only

1:23:42

thing that this guy had of the guy that

1:23:44

was nice to him? Yeah, that doesn't seem very

1:23:46

nice on the surface. What if I don't tell

1:23:48

you the punch line? No, I gotta know now.

1:23:50

You gotta know. Why did he do it? Because

1:23:52

he goes, because the first guy, the rich guy

1:23:54

had so many attachments. All I did was double

1:23:56

his attachments. I just made his life worse. with

1:24:00

you with the triple accountants, and the

1:24:02

endless chasing, and the managing, and

1:24:04

the headaches, and the second guy

1:24:07

was so close to God he only had one attachment, and

1:24:09

I got rid of it for him. So

1:24:11

then all he would have, it's not like a literal

1:24:14

story. It's starvation. I don't think he would, I knew

1:24:16

your mind, because that's where our minds would

1:24:18

go, is now he's gonna die. But I get what he's saying,

1:24:20

like, well, it's back to Chris Grissoff.

1:24:22

Freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose.

1:24:25

I'm not familiar with it. Yeah, exactly. No,

1:24:27

it's never been on a mall poster or

1:24:29

nothing. That, there's truth. No

1:24:31

attachments. And if you have

1:24:33

six houses. Or your attachments pay for them,

1:24:36

like the house is paid for. Yeah, I don't, I

1:24:39

pay for the boat. Like, I don't have to think

1:24:41

about, well, how am I gonna pay, they're all paid

1:24:43

for. So now it's freedom. I

1:24:45

can choose whatever, whenever. But very few

1:24:47

people, very few comics are going for that.

1:24:49

They would rather the- Private jets

1:24:51

and arena shows. Like, if the

1:24:54

agent, my agent called me and

1:24:56

said, would you ever wanna try?

1:24:58

Like, I don't even wanna go above 2000 seats. Like,

1:25:03

and what do you wanna try? No. No,

1:25:06

no, no, no, no. Because it ruins the show? Or

1:25:08

cause you worried about tickets? There's a lot of reasons to

1:25:10

send out. No, there's so many. I could

1:25:13

send a laundry list back in an email and

1:25:15

go, Jesus, what are you thinking? No, here's the

1:25:17

few reasons. Fuck no, we're never doing that. Blah,

1:25:19

blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. If

1:25:22

in fact, I don't know,

1:25:24

somewhere where, like in Detroit or

1:25:26

somewhere in the mid-west, I'm super popular,

1:25:28

a 2001 sold out immediately. Do you wanna add one? Well,

1:25:30

that's a different story. But do you wanna book the Fox

1:25:32

Theater in St. Louis that has 5,400 seats? No,

1:25:36

I don't want the bullshit that's gonna come

1:25:38

back on me to make sure every one of those

1:25:40

seats is full. Somebody's gonna be bitching if they're not.

1:25:43

And why when I've already, I don't

1:25:45

know, I set goals, I made them. I don't

1:25:47

understand why we have to keep- Yeah, I,

1:25:49

you know, I talk- Outdoing my own self. I'm not,

1:25:51

am I at a race with me? Yeah,

1:25:54

yeah. No, me wanted

1:25:57

to pay the bills, drink at night

1:25:59

and meet- and hang out with my friends. That's

1:26:01

happening. Yeah. We're good.

1:26:03

Yeah. It's not really what you want

1:26:05

to tell a new manager or agent. Yeah,

1:26:08

they're not thrilled. I'm not motivated really.

1:26:10

That's my thing. Like

1:26:12

they don't want you. I

1:26:14

do know a younger comic who's super funny and

1:26:16

he's on the rise and he secretly was like,

1:26:19

I want your career. I

1:26:21

said, never say that out

1:26:24

loud to the LA people. Yeah. Because

1:26:26

they want you to have an arena career.

1:26:29

And if that ain't up your alley, they're

1:26:31

going to dump you and go

1:26:33

for the guy who's more motivated. But

1:26:37

hopefully he keeps just teasing

1:26:39

them. So I'm, whatever, I don't need to

1:26:41

say his name, but. I wish

1:26:43

you would. No, I'm not. No,

1:26:45

I would have taken six more lefties to get me to

1:26:47

say his name. Lefties, lefties

1:26:50

should be lefties. Blonde,

1:26:52

blonde, blonde. It's a blonde blonde.

1:26:55

Oh wait. No, I had to put on my glasses.

1:26:59

Yes, it's a blonde blonde. Who

1:27:01

the fuck has this sitting around their house for no reason? Hey,

1:27:05

how about a Belgian ale? All

1:27:07

right. I mean, I'm open. Adberg.

1:27:12

It's an Adberg Belgian ale. How

1:27:14

odd. This had to be a freebie. Somebody

1:27:17

gave you this, like on Halloween or some shit.

1:27:20

Like, hey buddy, I'll trade you beer for all your Kit

1:27:22

Kats. Like, that's

1:27:24

weird. Anyway, it

1:27:26

was lovely. It was

1:27:28

a nice beer. I'm sorry there aren't any more left. Get

1:27:31

on it, Pete. Next time I'm coming. Especially,

1:27:34

I came at happy hour time. Yeah,

1:27:36

I know. Let down a little

1:27:38

bit. We had one.

1:27:41

There's probably something in the house. Well,

1:27:44

send the dog. Katie,

1:27:48

I mean, if you're comfortable bothering Kate, you

1:27:51

could. I guess. Yeah, that'd

1:27:53

be great. Let's see what

1:27:55

happens if we put another dog in the gym. Do you

1:27:57

want to do a comedian in his cars? Did you feel like? Yeah,

1:27:59

couldn't you feel how mad I was? was that, no, because I

1:28:01

do sort of idolize Seinfeld.

1:28:03

So I would watch that show.

1:28:05

But now, sincerely, I look back

1:28:07

on that feeling, and I'm

1:28:09

like, I miss- Was it because of his standup

1:28:12

or because of the show? Or

1:28:15

both? It was because of his standup. Oh, okay. Yeah.

1:28:17

All that, yeah. I really liked the show, but

1:28:20

I was one of those guys that, you know, remember

1:28:22

the 90s people would be like, Jerry's my least favorite.

1:28:24

Like, people would love to kinda, like, that was their

1:28:26

hot take. And I was like, there is no show

1:28:28

without Jerry. I'm in high school lecturing

1:28:31

people like, it's his point of view, it's

1:28:33

based on it. And they

1:28:35

liked Kramer. It's like, fuck off, it's him.

1:28:37

It's him, he can't be your least favorite.

1:28:40

He's the show. He's the show, right. So

1:28:42

I've always been a Jerry apologist. But

1:28:44

I don't really, I don't know, they're

1:28:47

bells that I wanna ring, but I'm very similar

1:28:50

to you. I love my family. I live outside

1:28:52

of the city. What else would you rather do?

1:28:54

What is left? You've

1:28:56

got a million specials, you've had TV shows.

1:28:59

If there's one thing. That I, hmm.

1:29:02

One thing. Well, I could tell you some of the things I'm

1:29:04

trying to do. I'm still sort of in a. One

1:29:07

thing you get to do, that's it. Oh

1:29:09

no, the left is kicked in. What is it?

1:29:11

The left is kicked in. Not really. I've

1:29:13

really drank that slowly. You're giving me a lot

1:29:15

of guff. One thing left in my

1:29:18

career to do, that I would wanna do? Yeah,

1:29:20

you can only do one. It's

1:29:26

interesting. I feel

1:29:28

like I should know this. The first thing that came

1:29:30

to mind, let's talk it out, is

1:29:33

I would like a big special. Not

1:29:35

just a special that you can kind of

1:29:37

search for. What does big mean

1:29:39

to you? Well, to be

1:29:41

honest, I'm not talking about Chappelle and stuff,

1:29:43

but I feel like Neil Brennan, our dear

1:29:46

friend, he built it up. He went three

1:29:48

mics, and now his latest one, big. Like,

1:29:51

it popped for him. Okay, you

1:29:53

wanna be like a known big deal when it comes

1:29:56

out and all that, and then they have it pop

1:29:58

and all that. Have it pop. Yeah,

1:30:01

thanks for checking, Katie. Like I

1:30:03

think that would be cool. I mean, your

1:30:05

special bothering Jesus was like one of the

1:30:07

most watched specials of all time. I think

1:30:10

that's really cool. But I also have

1:30:12

my little group that's gonna go wherever I

1:30:14

go. The Midwesties, the Irish Catholics. Yeah, but

1:30:18

I think the reason I'm picking that is because

1:30:20

if I can just find more people that

1:30:23

like what I'm doing, still doing what I'm doing,

1:30:25

just more people find it, then I can keep

1:30:27

doing what I love doing, which is my perspective,

1:30:29

my comedy, and all that sort of stuff. And

1:30:31

just kinda take some of that

1:30:34

stress out. You're in

1:30:36

Florida and three of the shows don't

1:30:38

sell out. By the

1:30:40

way, thanks to everybody who came to Florida. That sounds like

1:30:42

a joke. But like, it was a big club. You shit on

1:30:44

Florida, you shit on whole state. The Danie M. Proff couldn't fill

1:30:46

it. That's the way to win more fans. Filled one night.

1:30:49

Yep. Filled one night. Fuck you, Tampa. Three nights.

1:30:51

Did you hear that? It's Danie. I didn't say

1:30:53

that. Danie. Danie. Danie.

1:30:57

What does that even mean? What's Danie? It

1:31:00

sounds like there should be a joke where I'm like, nothing, what's

1:31:02

up with you? Or whatever. Like,

1:31:05

where are you with ghosts?

1:31:07

You ever see one? You

1:31:10

seem like a lady who's seen a ghost. I've

1:31:13

never seen one. I've heard them. I mean, to the point where I

1:31:15

called 911. What? Yeah.

1:31:18

So one time my parents

1:31:20

went to Ireland and they left me in

1:31:23

charge of my younger brother and sister at the time they

1:31:25

were 10 years, 11 years younger. And

1:31:27

my sister was like, can we just go sleep in mom and

1:31:29

dad's bed? You, me and Pat, they were like seven and eight.

1:31:31

I was like 18. I go,

1:31:33

sure, man, let's go. And we had a very

1:31:35

old brick like farmhouse type thing. I

1:31:38

don't know. It was weird. I didn't like the vibe

1:31:40

of the house a minute. We moved in, but whatever.

1:31:43

I'm not, when there's seven kids,

1:31:45

you don't get to vote. Nobody gives a shit

1:31:47

about your feelings. There's just

1:31:49

announcements made. And then

1:31:51

you have your secret judgment and you're like, well, I

1:31:53

don't know, whatever, but no one cares. So, okay, here

1:31:55

we are in this fucking creepy old house. And

1:31:58

we were in my parents' house. bed and

1:32:00

I heard what sounded like a

1:32:02

full-grown man take a television and

1:32:05

like all I could compare to is if you took

1:32:08

not a new screen like the older ones and

1:32:11

threw it on a bathroom

1:32:13

sink where it just exploded into

1:32:15

a hundred pieces and my sister

1:32:17

wake up I wake up fuck

1:32:19

not doesn't wake up he doesn't wake up for anything

1:32:21

my brothers like these out I'm

1:32:24

like oh that's the slow one right the one

1:32:26

that doesn't wake up for things like that and

1:32:29

I go shit and

1:32:31

I said we're locking we're not my

1:32:34

sister goes go down there I'm like I'm

1:32:37

not going down there there's people in the house

1:32:39

there are people in the fucking

1:32:41

house this is a good one because so I

1:32:43

knew people heard it yes I locked the door

1:32:45

I call 911 my parents have a

1:32:48

phone by their bed and I'm like there's someone robbing the

1:32:50

house I didn't even think about a ghost I'm

1:32:52

like that is a person who's trying

1:32:54

to steal a TV yeah and dropped

1:32:56

it yeah it's that loud yeah and

1:32:58

you know the 911 what

1:33:00

is your name I mean those people right

1:33:03

yeah now stay in the house now

1:33:05

the old farmhouse had two sets two sets of stairs

1:33:08

so you go out the front door you could go

1:33:10

out the back door I'm figuring they came in the

1:33:12

back door because the front door is too hard to

1:33:14

open but I know how to get the kids out

1:33:16

and go down through the front nice part of the

1:33:18

house and we're going out the front she says oh

1:33:20

stay where you're at no lady that ain't

1:33:22

how this goes the 911 lady stay

1:33:24

where you're at this is how we get murdered we're running

1:33:26

away so we ran

1:33:28

away and I got to my neighbor you

1:33:31

didn't listen to her fuck now I hung up

1:33:33

on her I'm like send the cops I gotta

1:33:35

go then I hung up and

1:33:37

she's it going well they're dead and my children

1:33:41

they're absolutely 795 Parker

1:33:43

Road they're almost dead for sure

1:33:46

yeah oldest ones alive brothers

1:33:49

still asleep my neighbor I worked with at

1:33:52

the restaurant Jan answered the door and I go the

1:33:54

cops are gonna be here in a minute it's crazy

1:33:56

like there's somebody robbing the house yes and

1:33:58

then I was back and all the cops were

1:34:00

there, and they searched the

1:34:02

entire house. I said, did you

1:34:05

go outside where the planters are, like on the front

1:34:07

porch? Like, did you go in the mud

1:34:09

cellar in the fruit cellar? Those are very scary in the Midwest

1:34:11

back in the day. Like, you don't wanna go. And

1:34:13

I knew they probably didn't. I'm like,

1:34:15

you're kinda sissy at the end of the day. Did

1:34:17

you really go look? And they swore, do you want

1:34:19

us to go back down there with you, man? We

1:34:21

did, blah, blah, blah. I

1:34:24

don't know. Nothing? No, I said I'm not staying

1:34:26

there. Wait, was there no broken

1:34:29

anything? No, nothing, nothing, nothing

1:34:32

anywhere. Not a planter, not a

1:34:34

picture off a wall, nothing. And

1:34:37

so I said, well, we're gonna stay at

1:34:39

Jan's house till mom and dad come back,

1:34:41

and then I'm gonna confront the leaders and

1:34:44

tell them you're in a haunted house, or something's

1:34:46

fucked up here. I'll stay here if my

1:34:48

dad's here. I feel like

1:34:50

he'll deal with it. Yeah, your dad, I trust your

1:34:52

dad on that one. And my mom was

1:34:55

crazy enough to like combat things, but

1:34:57

alone, no. Wow.

1:35:00

So I've never seen one, but I heard enough

1:35:03

to make you call 911. Like I

1:35:05

was certain there was someone in the house. That's

1:35:07

a very good one. And because it was corroborated

1:35:09

by your sister. Yeah, I mean, granted, she was only

1:35:12

eight, but it counts. Do

1:35:14

you think having all those siblings and not feeling

1:35:17

like you had a voice, I know it's kind

1:35:19

of an obvious question, but do you think that's

1:35:21

why you were compelled to do stand-up? No. Why

1:35:24

were you compelled to do stand-up? For money. I

1:35:27

mean, it's flat out. Really? Yeah.

1:35:30

But you started in the... Well,

1:35:33

it was extra cash. I mean, I know I

1:35:35

can talk to people. Yes. I have

1:35:37

bartended, I waited tables. All you gotta do is

1:35:39

approach strangers. And I went to Open Mite Night

1:35:41

one time to drink with my friend, because we

1:35:43

couldn't drink at our bar anymore. And there were

1:35:45

so many people on Open Mite Night that were

1:35:47

just terrible. Yes. Either socially awkward

1:35:49

or uncomfortable. And I'm like, this can't be that

1:35:52

hard. Like when people say,

1:35:55

who are your idols? People you'll never hear

1:35:57

about. Because they were failures and

1:35:59

they may... me the confidence to go and I

1:36:01

asked my friend he was a radio DJ in St. Louis at

1:36:03

the time I go how much can you make if you do

1:36:05

that and he goes well if you can get like

1:36:07

15 solid minutes you can make

1:36:09

like $250 extra a week and

1:36:12

be an MC and then you know and

1:36:14

I was like hmm I was still

1:36:17

making more bartending like a lot more than that but

1:36:19

this could be more fun and

1:36:21

as long as there is money involved I go what about

1:36:24

the next level he goes 500 to 650 like for

1:36:26

a middle act for

1:36:28

a week and then I go out the next

1:36:30

level meeting the headliner he goes anywhere from 1200 to you

1:36:33

know 20,000 that's way more potential than the bar that

1:36:41

I'm at so yeah better ladder and I graduated

1:36:43

from college and I had a day job was

1:36:45

horrible I hated it like this nine to five

1:36:47

shit yeah it was killing you oh I

1:36:50

said to my parents when do you get used to this

1:36:52

my dad goes never people will lie

1:36:54

and tell you oh you're getting the swing

1:36:56

of it bullshit because they just they're not

1:36:58

organizing it right I go right why can't

1:37:00

some of us be 11 to 7 yeah

1:37:03

why do we all have to do this it fucks

1:37:05

up traffic it it fucks

1:37:07

up everything you're like Gallagher remember when

1:37:10

Gallagher all those ideas yes like

1:37:12

let's restructure we're not rethinking

1:37:14

things great idea have you ever said that on

1:37:16

stage no but you know the next generations are

1:37:18

well they

1:37:21

won't even go anymore yeah fuck nine to

1:37:23

five they won't go any hours fuck you

1:37:25

if my dog ain't coming I got four

1:37:27

cats I'll be working right here bitches yeah

1:37:29

and they get away with it yeah I'm

1:37:31

like good for you no it's a silver

1:37:33

lining of Covid too is yes they're just like

1:37:36

why were we all driving to the same building

1:37:38

it was ridiculous but like my dad's age

1:37:40

they were conditioned you had to do it

1:37:43

I also think with AI which is

1:37:45

you know the new yeah I'm not

1:37:47

I like that you grant me the

1:37:49

possibility I don't know you know yeah

1:37:53

I think it's gonna be absurd that we ever

1:37:55

just like used we were talking about the president

1:37:58

earlier and I was saying things like someone who

1:38:00

will burn the midnight oil, roll the sleeves up

1:38:02

and not leave the meeting and like dig in.

1:38:04

Like all the things that we associate

1:38:06

with like grit and like stick-to-it-iveness

1:38:09

and all these qualities. Once

1:38:11

machines are smart enough to do all that

1:38:13

like computing. What will we do? What will

1:38:15

the world be? And I think

1:38:17

our kids will look back on what we

1:38:20