0:00

You made it weird, you made

0:02

it weird, you made it weird,

0:05

oh yeah You made

0:07

it weird, you made it weird,

0:09

yes, you did it, you made

0:11

it weird, oh yeah You made

0:13

it weird with Pete Holmes What's

0:16

happening, Weirdos? This is Mike Brabiglia,

0:18

my best friend, my wonderful friend

0:20

He's wonderful and hilarious, and this

0:23

episode is being simulcast This

0:25

is the unedited version, if you want

0:27

the edited, working it out version, listen

0:30

to it on Mike's feed Working it

0:32

out, but we're dropping it together on

0:34

the same day, that's why this episode's

0:36

coming out on Monday And it's also

0:38

on Mikey's feed if you want the

0:40

shorter version, I guess I

0:43

like it, warts and all, the

0:45

whole thing So this is the You Made

0:47

It Weird version, meaning we just let it

0:49

roll and let it play out And let

0:52

you guys listen into two friends making fun

0:54

of each other, trying out bits and having

0:56

a nice, good, deep conversation It's so fun,

0:58

I'm so glad you guys are here, not

1:01

much to say up top Other

1:03

than, even if you listen to this one, click

1:05

on Mike's too You know,

1:07

click on Mike's as well, working it out, let's give

1:09

the love to both, both drops

1:12

And maybe you want to come see me live,

1:14

I do a monthly show

1:16

at Largo in Los Angeles Thanks to

1:19

everyone who came out last time, largodashla.com

1:21

for tickets to that And then I'm

1:23

going to be in Houston, Homestead

1:26

PA, the Pittsburgh Improv, and also

1:28

the Milwaukee Improv Are all the

1:30

dates coming up, tickets to all

1:32

of those are at peteholmes.com In

1:36

the meantime, so glad we're hanging out,

1:38

glad we get to spend some time

1:40

together Enjoy the return, return, return, return

1:43

of the wonderful Mike Birbiglia

1:46

And watch The Old Man in the Pool on

1:48

Netflix, that's his new thing Watch

1:50

all this stuff, but that's the new one, and

1:53

it's wonderful Alright, get into it Here,

1:55

just sit down, we'll start This isn't your show

2:00

No, I know but this is the part you edit out. This

2:03

is the fun you edit it out This

2:06

is the fun Behind the scenes

2:08

you're off mic You

2:11

should like it. This is the Camille non

2:13

Gianni sketch. It's very in here. Just can

2:15

I just borrow that for Foley? No,

2:18

no, give me both both. This is

2:20

so your brand. Oh It's

2:23

like oh you're just doing Foley work

2:25

with my papers, you know, Mike I

2:28

think It's fun to see you man I

2:32

sat down with Mike Birbiglia. This is terrible And

2:37

it's that sort of charm That

2:40

we'll leave in and you'll let it out. I will

2:42

say this is this is off brand for you as

2:44

plastic Bottles

2:47

of water. Okay, bought it. Plastic

2:49

bottles right under the bus I

2:51

mean like the cyber cycle more than anyone Yeah

2:56

She made a last-minute impulse choice

2:58

for you for the guest this

3:01

is a cardboard. I've recently heard

3:03

people saying I

3:05

went plastic free again today Like

3:08

that's the thing like it's a daily renewal like

3:10

at the end of the day Yeah, that's when

3:12

plastic free again, and I I actually kind of

3:14

like it. I like hearing it I

3:18

go immediately to It

3:20

sounds like i'm wearing women's underwear. That's what

3:23

it feels like to me. There's a slight

3:25

kink to it Oh,

3:27

it's kinky. We're having dinner. I don't mean sexually

3:29

kinky. Okay. I mean we're having dinner and i'm

3:31

just like I went

3:33

plastic free today. Like it just feels

3:36

like okay, you know what I mean?

3:38

Yeah, like Sand

3:40

dunes turn me on it. It feels the same

3:43

as sand dunes turn me on by the way.

3:45

I love the new studio I haven't been here.

3:47

I love it. Oh, thanks. We love it. That's

3:49

great Yeah

3:53

I mean, okay, you've been doing this

3:55

you've been doing this podcast 15 years or so, right?

14:00

a run on that where like Mitch McConnell bursts

14:02

through the door is like the funny thing about

14:04

the debt ceiling, isn't a freezes. It's

14:07

good. That's elder abuse. That tag is elder

14:09

abuse. Well, no, I opened it up and

14:11

I found 100% JK. See that? I forgot.

14:13

You're very, you know, you're

14:19

considerate. I was joking. I

14:22

like your Mitch McConnell is having a stroke joke.

14:24

It's not a stroke. It is a stroke. He froze. No,

14:26

I think he froze. Let's name it. Oh,

14:29

really? You think it was a stroke? Oh

14:31

no. Old people just freeze sometimes.

14:34

He was probably just remembering a word there's

14:36

originally had one day. He's

14:38

probably just remembering a can of barks, rude,

14:40

period with a sweetheart. So it really was

14:42

a stroke. They're strokes. The

14:45

fuckers having blood clots fight

14:47

their way from the left to the right. Nobody's

14:51

just jokes.

14:55

By the way, Katie, who's

14:58

your engineer on your show, producer,

15:00

yeah, producer on your show is

15:02

laughing. I feel like she

15:06

could stifle after and I think you told her

15:08

you have to laugh a little bit more. Otherwise,

15:10

I won't be funny. Okay. Katie and I have

15:12

been close for 11 years. She

15:15

laughs however much she wants. I will say she's laughing

15:17

a lot more today because

15:19

she likes it mean.

15:22

Yeah. Oh, is that right?

15:24

I guess. Old man in

15:26

the pool. You look like what they found in the

15:28

filter. That's

15:33

good. You look like what they found in the

15:35

filter. It didn't come out clean, but I like

15:37

that. Old man in the pool. Mike looks like

15:39

what they found in the filter. Well, since that's

15:41

what if we were on the Tom Brady roast,

15:44

it would just be us. Well, since that's what I'm here

15:46

to plug, why don't we talk about the old man in

15:48

the pool other

15:51

than just one idle joke about it at

15:53

my expense? Idle is a good

15:55

word for the show. There's a big swoosh. of

16:00

graph paper on the stage. And

16:02

then a man comes out and does kinda... It's

16:06

feeling too mean! Is

16:08

this? It's a great show! It's

16:11

on netflix.com. Did

16:15

you back away because it was too mean? No,

16:17

no. Did you go in your head because you were

16:19

like... No, I was just thinking about the word idol. I

16:22

always think about what your career has been since

16:24

2011. That's

16:27

very nice. That's very nice.

16:31

I remember Jake... When you were on

16:33

that series, Crashing, I couldn't

16:35

believe that they had such

16:38

an unattractive star of an HBO series

16:40

who didn't hang a lantern on how

16:42

unattractive he was. Like it wasn't a

16:44

plot. Right, exactly. Like

16:47

you never acknowledge the elephant in the room,

16:49

which is the elephant who's the star of

16:51

the show. It was like the movie Mask.

16:53

Remember the movie Mask? Not the Mask. But

16:55

the movie Mask. It was about a guy with a

16:58

face who had been deformed and you felt in the

17:00

same way. Right. Why isn't this guy...

17:02

Yeah, they're just acting like he's a leading man on

17:05

an HBO series. Oh

17:09

my God! This from

17:11

a guy who looks like Cream Cheese got

17:13

its wish to become a real boy. Plain

17:16

Cream Cheese. You

17:19

look like plain Cream Cheese on a plain bagel got

17:21

struck by lightning and was like... I

17:24

think so. Oh, and in the comedy cellar.

17:26

You have... That's really similar to

17:28

a burn you've had of me in the past. What

17:30

was that? Something else that becomes a real boy? Yeah,

17:32

I love becomes a real boy. I don't even know

17:34

what that means. It's like Pinocchio. The

17:36

Pinocchio reference, okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Gotcha.

17:39

No, you're not wrong to shine a light on it. Yeah. We

17:41

were wrong to not shine a light on my... You

17:43

know. Your HBO series? Yeah, the

17:45

fact that I was a regular guy with

17:47

a TV show. But

17:50

not...unregular enough. Kind

17:52

of a dissatisfying middle. What

17:55

am I right? You know, I'm

17:57

trying to think...it'll sound like I'm making fun. of

18:00

them, but someone who's really left of

18:02

center. Yeah. But in a

18:04

good way. Yeah. Like I'm thinking of Dino,

18:06

Stent, and I'm from the Apple, like a real, like, I'm

18:09

not saying he's on a track, I'm

18:11

just saying like, here's a wild choice.

18:13

Stavros. Stavros. Stavros would be-

18:15

I meant Stavros. Stavros would be

18:17

like an anti-hero type of- I'm

18:19

fucking stupid. I meant Stavros. Stavros

18:22

would almost be like a Tony Soprano

18:24

of comedy. That's what I'm saying. Yeah,

18:27

yeah, yeah. Really interesting choice, Stavros, not

18:29

me. I'm right here in the middle.

18:31

Yeah. And then here you have Jon Hamm. Yeah.

18:34

And people are like, I bet it'll be a Jon Hamm.

18:36

If it's not him, it'll be a Stavros, but

18:38

then it's me and everyone's like, I feel neither

18:40

warm nor hot. Right. Nor

18:42

cold. Your series Crashing was

18:44

like one of those shows where on episode

18:46

one, everyone in the audience goes, he's really

18:49

falling off. I

18:52

liked the early episodes, but there weren't

18:54

earlier episodes. It's

18:57

very good. It's

19:02

very, very good. I was

19:04

a consulting producer on that show. I'm

19:08

looking forward to your next hour where

19:10

you get lost in a library. What

19:15

are you trying to bum mics with me? Trying

19:18

to David Tell. The

19:21

Dewey lights come up.

19:23

The Dewey Decimal System. I

19:26

remember as a kid learning about

19:28

the Dewey Decimal System. It's

19:30

the only system there is for

19:32

organizing books other than the stack.

19:34

Let me know when this is

19:37

over. You can put them by

19:39

author. You can put them

19:41

by color. But then

19:43

this guy comes in named Dewey and

19:46

he's like, you should do it by this longitude

19:49

latitude seven digit code.

19:53

If you're not laughing and you're wondering where the punchline is,

19:55

that's how we all feel. It's

19:58

because the impression is so good. my

34:01

interest in consciousness started watching Next

34:03

Generation and watching Data. If there

34:05

was a Data episode and

34:07

there were, they figured out we liked Data. The

34:10

writers knew we liked Data. And

34:12

if he was like, what is love? I

34:14

was like, I love you. So

34:16

people don't know what we're talking about. Data was

34:18

a character on Star Trek, The Next Generation, which

34:20

is, you don't have to know much about Star

34:23

Trek to understand the context of like, it's one

34:25

of the ones, it's the TV one in the

34:27

90s. Can I interject? Data?

34:30

Calling a robot Data? Doesn't that sound like

34:33

a slur? All

34:35

right, Data. This from

34:38

ones and zeros? It's

34:40

like calling an Italian guy spaghetti. It's

34:43

like, oh, shut up, spaghetti. Data,

34:46

spaghetti, vodka. That's what you

34:48

call the Russian boxer. I said

34:50

that because in the video

34:53

game Punch Out, it was

34:55

vodka drunkinski, became

34:57

soda popinski in the Super Punch Out.

34:59

Did you play Punch Out? Oh, yeah.

35:01

Remember soda popinski? Yeah. His name in

35:03

the arcade, vodka drunkinski.

35:05

Oh, really? Because he's Russian.

35:08

There was a real heyday for stereotypes.

35:11

Wow. It lasted 40 years. It

35:15

was a long time. It was more than

35:17

a heyday. It was a big deal. It was probably

35:19

more than 40 years, too. Yeah. It

35:21

was a solid century. Yeah, you're right. It

35:23

led to murder. Murder.

35:25

Yeah, yeah. Tell the host I

35:28

said that tomorrow. Yeah. Murder. Mike

35:30

is here. So excited.

35:33

Mikey, you're part of the Netflix as a

35:35

joke fest. Is that right? Yeah. Great.

35:38

We'll be right back. That's

35:43

a good impression. It was very good. Have you done that

35:45

for John? When would I

35:47

do it for John? No,

35:49

I'm just kidding. You've done it for him before. I'm

35:51

walking that back. He texted me the other day. Very

35:53

sweet. Very nice. Because I think he heard me on

35:56

a podcast kind of saying we're not really that close

35:58

anymore. We are friends. he's

36:00

just so busy and he lives in New York and I

36:02

love him. But I haven't done it for him. He

36:06

doesn't live in New York? He

36:11

said because he lives in New York? I just assumed he lived

36:13

in New York. He doesn't live in New York? No.

36:17

Even Katie seemed to know. He talks about

36:19

the show. Ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha.

36:21

Ha ha ha ha. Look.

36:25

Ha ha ha. No, no, no. My only

36:27

concern in this moment is that John I'm

36:30

complaining and I'm not. I just saw him the

36:32

other night at Largo. We had a lovely hang.

36:35

You know the funny thing though is, because I

36:37

texted him the day after his bowl show and

36:39

I was like, do you want to talk to

36:41

anyone after you talk to 30,000, whatever it is?

36:45

So I was like, I fully

36:47

understand. I always say you don't have to reply. That's

36:49

how I like to do it with Johnny Boy.

36:52

I told that story the other night on Jimmy

36:55

Kimmel that I texted Larry David.

36:58

And I said, any out that you

37:00

want is yours. I

37:02

go, I'd love to have lunch with

37:04

you because a couple of years ago he

37:06

called me. Which is really the

37:09

greatest honor of all time, better than any. Was

37:11

it? When I called you? You

37:14

really like that? I don't know.

37:16

I was bored. I just wanted good show. Pretty

37:21

good show. It's getting better. I

37:24

see the doubt in your face. It's making me want to make it better. It's

37:27

getting better. It's like a cross between Larry David and

37:29

Bill Burr. It's a little bit Burr. That

37:33

enthusiasm. I feel like we could carve it. Dot,

37:36

dot, dot, dot. My

37:38

wife, Mia, I'm

37:41

tired of women saying they don't want to lose

37:43

weight from movies. Lose

37:46

some weight. Oh my gosh. Do it. That's

37:49

one of his bits. I'm just quoting him. I'm

37:51

just quoting Bill. That

37:53

wasn't Larry. That wasn't me. But

37:55

anyway, Larry David, I think

37:57

it's a funny little story I told on Kimmo, which

37:59

is. You know this story, you know that, right? I'll

38:01

give you all these outs, and he

38:03

wrote back, I'll take, I accept

38:05

the outs. Yeah. And then he texted

38:08

you back. And then he said, I'll do it.

38:10

But it, because I accidentally ghosted him. I

38:13

literally accidentally ghosted him because I was dealing with

38:15

family stuff that was more pressing, so

38:17

I was off my phone. Yeah. And

38:19

then he wrote back, I feel bad about the last text, let's

38:22

have lunch. All the,

38:25

the, leave me alone.

38:28

Secret sweeties. He's a secret

38:30

sweetie. They're all secret sweeties. Yeah, yeah. That

38:32

was on Neil's episode. About, about. Where

38:34

they said people don't know how sweet Larry is.

38:36

Yeah, Larry's very sweet. And people don't know how

38:38

acerbic Jerry is. I think they easily deserve it.

38:40

Oh, that's interesting. Did they say that with Jerry?

38:42

Yeah. And Jerry goes, Oh. It was

38:44

one of the best parts of the podcast. I called Neil

38:46

about it. He goes, that's the Brennan eye. I

38:49

was like. Yes, the Brennan eye. What a gift. I

38:51

like that moment. That there is

38:53

the Brennan eye. You know, Larry, Larry's

38:57

deeply sweet. And of course

38:59

these people, I, you know, when

39:01

I talk about someone like Larry David, I want people

39:03

to realize I

39:06

don't even view him as a human being, as

39:08

a mortal. I view him as some kind of

39:10

comedy God, or, or,

39:12

you know, like it's not even,

39:14

I wouldn't even imagine him to be alive. I'm

39:17

going to say something weird. Okay. I

39:20

kind of, it makes me feel a little bit

39:22

like a mathematician. Yeah. Or a

39:24

scientist, a physicist. And then there's

39:26

like Einstein. I think we feel that way.

39:29

Like we are physicists. We're physicists in Einstein.

39:31

Yeah. Yeah. No, I get it. And,

39:34

and not to force this when you were like,

39:36

have you done that impression for John? When

39:39

I see John, even though we do bits

39:41

and we laugh and we hug

39:43

and we say, I love you. I

39:45

love him. Now he's

39:48

become, it's not a celebrity. He's

39:50

just become so great. I, I'm still kind

39:52

of like, yeah, it's Einstein.

39:55

A little bit, not to make everybody Einstein, but I

39:57

can't think of another famous physicist. Oppenheimer.

40:02

Is that legacy tainted a little bit? Ha

40:04

ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

40:06

ha ha ha. Once you do that,

40:09

hard to walk it back. Hard

40:11

to walk it back? Hard to walk back the A-bum.

40:13

Yeah. Yeah. There's been

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no bigger improvement to my sleep

40:18

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40:20

hostage tape? It's mouth tape, which

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sounds so simple, but it does

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40:29

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40:31

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40:34

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40:36

It means you're getting less oxygen to

40:38

your brain, almost 20% less oxygen to

40:41

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40:43

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40:46

And snoring. In my

40:48

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40:51

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40:53

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40:55

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40:58

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41:02

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All right, everybody back to the show. Do

44:14

you want to do some bits and make it your show? Because I love

44:16

doing bits with you. I kind of forgot that we were doing that. Well,

44:19

I had a few questions. I wrote down, you

44:21

look like what they used to

44:23

stuff antique sofas with, but

44:27

they stopped because people were going

44:29

blind. You look like that substance.

44:35

Well, here's the thing that you and I, and

44:37

we talk on the phone quite a bit. We

44:40

talk about these kinds of things. We probably talk

44:42

four times a week. Yeah.

44:45

In my current hour that I'm touring

44:47

with, I talk

44:49

a lot about my relationship with my

44:52

dad. And I said,

44:54

it was really helpful the other day because

44:56

I wrote this line that was kind of

44:58

thought about the other day doing dishes. It

45:00

was emotional for me to write this line

45:02

about my dad and realizing that my whole

45:04

life I wanted to be my dad. And at

45:06

a certain point I realized that I wanted him

45:09

to be me. Yeah. It's

45:11

an incredible joke. And I said, it's not even a

45:13

joke. It's just a line. Yeah. I think

45:16

it's a great joke. It's not even a joke. There's

45:19

no punchline. If something's no, it is the

45:21

punchline. What's a punchline of sorts? If

45:23

something's so true, it is a laugh. I don't think it's

45:25

a laugh line. I think it's a laugh line. I forgot

45:27

what I would call the setup. I would call that the

45:29

punchline. The setup is, it's crazy.

45:32

You should just listen to me do it

45:34

because I'll do it wrong. Yeah, sure. Why

45:36

not? Of course. But maybe there'll

45:38

be something good in there. It's crazy that when I was a

45:40

kid, I thought my dad was a giant. He

45:42

was the king. All I wanted to

45:44

be was like my dad. He had a job.

45:47

He had money. And he used that money to

45:49

send me to school. And eventually I went to

45:51

college and I wanted to make him proud and

45:53

get good grades. But then I started learning more

45:56

and more. Learning more than my dad. He

45:58

used his money and his... that his mind

46:00

made to send my mind to a college

46:02

with his money that I learned more than

46:05

his mind. And then I would go

46:07

home and I'd be like, my

46:09

dad's nuts. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's

46:12

a funny version of it. And it's like, no,

46:14

my dad's not nuts. He's him. He

46:16

just didn't change. He stayed the same. He

46:18

stayed the same. He didn't do anything wrong.

46:20

It's like you sent something out and it

46:22

came back to you and was like, you're

46:24

an asshole. No, you're absolutely right. That's the

46:26

funniest thing I've ever heard in my life.

46:28

Yeah, and that is part of it. Yeah,

46:30

yeah, you're an asshole. Yours is better. You're

46:32

not a weirdo, not whatever I said. But

46:34

then you go, my whole life

46:36

I wanted to be my dad. Then at some

46:39

point I wanted my dad to be like me.

46:41

Isn't it wild? Yeah,

46:43

no, it's the most wild thing in the world. And

46:46

then it carries over interestingly into,

46:49

you know, I was with Otsuko,

46:52

Akatsuka and Ryan the

46:54

other night, Otsuko's husband,

46:57

Ryan. And they

47:00

were pointing out, you have that

47:02

relationship with your dad, but you also sometimes have it

47:04

with your husband or wife. You

47:07

know what I mean? And you have to

47:09

fight it. You have to fight that. No, I'm

47:11

sorry. I went a lot of places when you

47:14

were saying that, but I hear you now. Any

47:16

relationship. Any relationship in some weird way is a

47:18

tussle. I'll tell you something really funny that I

47:20

think relates to what you're saying. I'm

47:23

hosting Somebody Feed Phil tonight.

47:26

And I love Phil today. And

47:28

the past year, I took a break. I

47:31

was vegan for nine years. And the past year

47:33

I just was more lax. I

47:36

just decided to kind of like take it easy. Had

47:38

a lot to do with having kids. You

47:40

just kind of eat a little bit of a chicken

47:42

finger, whatever. So it was a real kind of

47:44

eat anything year. I was still eating a lot of plants,

47:46

but wasn't a vegan for a year. Literally,

47:50

like two weeks ago, just one

47:52

day woke up and was like, I'm vegan again.

47:54

I just knew. There was no like choice. It

47:56

wasn't intellectual. I was like, I'm vegan again.

47:58

I just knew. And then I

48:00

was like watching somebody feed film. And

48:03

I said to prep for the interview. I

48:05

was like, it's interesting, now I'm watching this and there's

48:07

just the slightest vegan lens where I'm like, you

48:10

know, feeling a little bit of

48:12

like reservations with all the animals.

48:15

The pigs. The pigs. The pigs,

48:17

the smart animals, the pigs. That we eat.

48:20

Stop it. I know. Not to make it about that,

48:22

but it's true. And once you, one of

48:24

the weird things about becoming a vegan is you can

48:26

kind of open that door. The door we all have

48:28

open a little bit. And we don't like

48:30

this door. I don't like this door. You can open it

48:32

a little bit more to the horror. And I'm watching it,

48:34

I'm like, I can feel that my experience of this show

48:36

is a little bit tainted now that I'm

48:39

a vegan again. And Val said, and she wasn't even

48:41

trying to be funny and you'll know why what we're

48:43

talking about made me think of this. Val is so

48:45

funny. She goes, well, just try

48:47

and get in touch with the you

48:49

from three weeks ago. That's so good.

48:53

That said, life feeds on

48:55

death and nothing is perfect.

48:58

And I was like, that, that

49:02

is comedy. That's what

49:04

comedy is. Neil was saying.

49:06

Constant contradictions. Just pointing

49:09

out contradictions. Pointing

49:11

out insanity. It's insanity. I was being

49:13

insane. I'll say another one. Not insane,

49:15

but I was being human. It was

49:18

like a year ago, Jen

49:20

said to me, she goes, I

49:25

wasn't living in the present. I wasn't whatever. And she

49:27

goes, I was

49:29

thinking about something in the past, obsessing about

49:31

something in the future, what's gonna happen, blah,

49:33

blah, blah. And she goes, I

49:36

have the perfect show to recommend to you to

49:39

deal with this from a

49:41

guy who's figured it all out. And

49:43

I go, it doesn't come out until November. It's

49:46

very good. At least you get

49:48

the last laugh there. I don't know.

49:50

She had the last laugh because it's

49:52

like, she's right. Yeah, but

49:54

I've been with, I don't know if

49:56

I was with Rob. when

50:00

he lost his cool or was

50:02

frustrated or like annoyed

50:04

by something. What I'm trying to say is,

50:06

even though this is taking some of the

50:08

comedy out of it, even if

50:11

you write a show about appreciating the moment,

50:13

that doesn't mean you're now outside of the

50:15

group. And

50:18

I'm not trying to attack Jenny, obviously I love

50:20

Jenny, I'm just saying, you did

50:22

a beautiful thing and it's

50:24

noble and deserves to

50:27

be celebrated. No thanks. Rather

50:29

than what we often do, when

50:32

someone tries to go like, hey have you

50:34

noticed that living in the moment helps? And

50:36

then you see that guy on his phone

50:38

and you go like, eat shit at Cartolé

50:40

or whatever it is, I've never seen that

50:42

Cartolé on his phone. I'm just saying, we

50:45

love kicking people down, but

50:48

who's kicking who? Like it's all just us

50:50

doing the best we can. True, true. Do

50:52

you wanna hear a joke I wrote about

50:54

God? If I was on your show,

50:58

I would run this joke by you. But keep

51:00

in mind that after we talk about this, I

51:03

wanna circle back to the dad stuff

51:05

because you and I, I feel

51:07

like we talk about this

51:09

a lot and I feel like it's gonna be,

51:13

this hour's gonna be done in six months,

51:15

nine months, it's gonna be I think the

51:18

heart of the hour is discussing my relationship

51:20

with my dad. That's great. Yeah. Let's

51:23

keep talking about it. I heard

51:25

Eckhart Tolle come out of my face and I was like, oh, maybe I could

51:27

do my God joke. I don't know. Do it,

51:29

do it. No, no, no, I don't want to. Because

51:31

I just wanna remind myself to get back to that

51:33

topic. My phone will remind me that we'll get to

51:35

that joke or we won't, I'm not invested. Okay. So,

51:39

yeah, so I have that thing about my dad and

51:42

then I had this thing the other day, which I

51:44

wrote in my notebook, but I don't have the joke for

51:46

it, but maybe you have something for it, which is my

51:48

dad always wanted us to raise our daughter to

51:52

be Catholic, but he never went to church,

51:55

right? And

52:01

I think he thinks we didn't notice, but

52:03

like we totally noticed. That's a great line, that's

52:05

a funny line. I think he thinks we didn't

52:08

notice. I think he thinks we didn't notice. Wait,

52:10

can I ask, were you at church? Yeah. And

52:12

there's just an empty space. Yeah, it's not fair.

52:15

Where dad should be. He never went to church.

52:17

He never went to church. It was like my

52:19

mom, like it would be me, my mom, maybe

52:21

my brother, maybe my sisters. And right

52:24

before we went to church, my dad

52:26

was sort of tucking away in this

52:28

little study area. And

52:31

the joke is, I don't have it fully fleshed

52:33

out. It's not like he was doing

52:35

like noble doctor stuff. I mean, he's a doctor, but

52:37

he was like smoking a pipe and

52:39

reading a book about World War II. You know

52:41

what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was his

52:43

me time. That was his church. Yeah. It

52:46

was his me time. Yeah. And

52:48

then I have this joke, it's a half a

52:50

joke, but it's like I have that nostalgic, I

52:53

have a smell memory with

52:56

Pope's pipe smoke. Of course, yeah. Because

52:58

it was this thing that was so

53:00

meaningful. It meant that my

53:02

dad wanted to be away

53:04

from his family and not

53:07

talk to anybody. And

53:10

of course, this folds into how you relate

53:12

to that now. Of course. Like,

53:16

I feel like 20 minutes later in

53:18

the show and you say, and this is how

53:20

I tell you I'm this close to buying a

53:22

pipe. Oh my God. Blackout. You

53:25

know what I mean? Yeah. I think

53:27

it's a good idea to think about that. One of the

53:29

things I've realized about my dad, and I'm saying this in

53:31

hopes that- That's a good idea, by the way. That's a

53:33

good pitch. I'm only silent because I'm like thinking it, I'm

53:35

mulling it over. That is a good, there's

53:38

potentially a good call back there. I think the

53:40

initial joke itself isn't there yet. I think I

53:42

just pitched you it wasn't there, but I think

53:44

it's an interesting tableau. I don't know what the

53:46

comparison is. I

53:50

don't even know if you need a perfect comparison, but the

53:52

one that came to mind was like sports. It's like when

53:54

my baby was born, my family would

53:56

buy her like red socks onesies, and

53:58

they'd go right and the garbage. And

54:02

I was like, it's not what we're doing. That's

54:04

great. You should do that on stage. You think so?

54:07

I feel like I don't wanna hurt Red Sox fans. No,

54:10

no, no, no, you're not hurting anybody that

54:12

won like 10 championships. Yeah. I mean, come

54:15

on. Well, then here's the actual truth. I'm

54:18

afraid. That's very close to me

54:21

being like, what

54:23

was I saying? What do you mean? What do you mean this?

54:26

Oh, I'm not in your tribe. I'm not

54:28

in your tribe. I'm not carrying

54:30

forward the legacy. Come on, come on, come on.

54:32

What was it gonna, we always reference you in

54:34

working it out because we say Pete and

54:37

I always talk about if you're not telling

54:39

secrets, then who cares? What's the point? Yeah.

54:42

What's the point on us? What's the thing

54:44

that you, that's a secret for

54:46

you about like your dad with the onesie, the

54:48

Red Sox onesie. And it's like, first of all,

54:50

why aren't you telling that on stage? Cause I

54:52

think that's very funny. I think

54:54

you throw three tags on that. That's a

54:57

killer joke. I

54:59

feel like the time has gone though. Cause my daughter's five and

55:01

a half. No, no, no. See,

55:04

I don't want to do it. You're catching me. This

55:06

is like therapy. No, you're busted. It's like, I don't want

55:08

to do it. No, you're busted. That's

55:10

a great, it's a great piece of imagery. Yeah.

55:12

Right in the garbage disposal. Yeah. I mean,

55:14

it's, and it's so relatable. Think about how

55:17

many things we get from people who are

55:19

like, ah, you don't get me. Yeah. Oh,

55:21

that's a line from my Green

55:24

Eggs and Ham. Cause I got the

55:26

Green Eggs and Ham shirt from two different friends. It's true.

55:28

Yeah. Someone gave me a green. The first friend, I was

55:30

like, you don't know me at all. The

55:32

second one was like, God himself being like put on the fucking

55:34

shirt. This is how people see

55:36

you. That's really funny. Yeah. I could

55:39

tell by your silence. I meant it.

55:41

I could tell that you're going like data. Yeah.

55:44

Really data. I'm the one

55:46

who really gets you. Cause I just sent you ham. That's

55:51

very good. It took me a second. It's

55:55

very, it's very, very good. I

55:57

know. I know you can't read. I

56:00

love eating. Ready

56:03

pictures? Yeah. I like

56:05

the dad stuff. What's your dad's stuff?

56:07

Don't avoid this, don't avoid this. No, if

56:10

you saw my new hour, you would be,

56:13

in fact, when you talked about that line,

56:18

we were talking about the justice component of jokes.

56:20

When you talked to me on the phone. Yeah,

56:22

the other day you made the point, which is

56:25

my joke that I just said

56:27

right now, and it's sort of an early form of

56:29

it, has justice for both

56:31

parties. It's justice for me, and justice for

56:33

my dad. And that's- It actually

56:35

makes a point for his side of it.

56:37

One of the considerations for an audience is

56:39

justice. I agree. And I

56:41

think that's pretty funny. I

56:44

mean, it's like absurd. It's not absurd, it's

56:46

just like a strange phenomenon that no one's

56:48

kind of talking about. So when you kind

56:50

of shit on your dad, or make fun,

56:53

and then he gets this last laugh, I have a

56:55

lot of that in my current act. So

56:57

I have this joke about, and I told you this, but

56:59

I have this joke about how I'm parenting my daughter

57:01

more gently than I was parented. If I fell at the

57:04

playground in the 80s, they would

57:06

just say, you're okay. And I would be

57:08

like, oh, thanks for denying my reality. You

57:10

know, like that sort of thing. And now

57:12

I show what modern parenting is, which is like,

57:15

you're having a hard- I actually do kind of a

57:17

you voice. You're having a hard time. You

57:20

are really having a frustrating feeling.

57:23

And the only way to express yourself was to

57:25

set a fire in my study. I

57:27

get that. But then I go,

57:29

it's moments like that that I wish a portal would open

57:32

up and a Charles Dickens style ghost would come take my

57:34

daughter by the hand and whisk her to my childhood. So

57:36

she could see. Like I want her to know, but I

57:38

don't want to be the one to tell her. So

57:42

the ghost would come out and say, let me

57:44

take you to a time when Peter's father apologized

57:46

to him. They go in the portal, it's perfect

57:48

darkness and silence. And my daughter goes, but spirit,

57:50

there's nothing here. And he goes, of course,

57:53

because it never fucking happened. That's

57:56

well and good. You can take the fucking

57:58

out of it, by the way. Yeah,

58:01

but see I'm not in I'm not

58:03

in this to take the fucking out. Okay, okay? You

58:07

because it never happened. Yeah,

58:09

you're not wrong. You don't need it. You're

58:11

not wrong read a clean joke. That's that

58:13

good Take it out. I

58:16

got out pretty bad. Well. Here's

58:18

the justice Okay, so I've been

58:20

doing that a prude if you have to say fucking

58:22

a joke if it's important for the joke great If

58:25

it's not important to I have prude face right now Sorry,

58:28

yeah, I think it is The

58:32

next line is I go every time I've wanted

58:34

my father to apologize to me for hurting my

58:36

feelings I end up apologizing to him having hurt

58:38

feelings beautiful And then the way that I make

58:40

that a laugh is I go I know that's

58:42

not funny But if you leave feeling a little

58:45

less alone, that's also my job it becomes this

58:47

big nice moment Yeah and then I go and

58:50

Then a portal opens up and my father comes

58:52

out of the portal takes me by the hand

58:54

and takes and takes me to his Childhood he's

58:56

six years old already has three jobs, and he's

58:58

taking a break eating a glass sandwich And

59:01

you've got like three times. It always makes me laugh Sandwich

59:05

that's the justice and then I go there's

59:07

a callback because I call my father Oh

59:09

captain my captain at another port point in

59:11

the show. Yeah, I'm sorry sir. Oh captain

59:13

my captain Yeah, I guess every side has

59:15

two stories every story has two sides. Yeah,

59:17

and that's justice. There's an interesting Dynamic

59:20

going I think it's beautiful. I have another

59:22

joke about I just remembered and I

59:25

haven't put on stage yet about how in

59:28

the 80s dads were like

59:30

the villains and animated films like And

59:33

now dads are like the bird who

59:35

flies ahead and goes the coast is

59:37

clear That's

59:39

very true Yeah, no,

59:42

I try to make it very clear that I like

59:44

that's funny or is it nothing no I like it

59:46

okay dads were the do something else The

59:49

coast is clear well cuz like I'm

59:51

like I look at my dad Looking

59:54

not even just my dad every damn

59:56

dad. I know in Shrewsbury,

59:59

Massachusetts I go, these people

1:00:01

were terrifying. Yeah. These

1:00:04

people were, I would not

1:00:06

cross one of these people. No. I

1:00:08

would not say a word out of turn

1:00:10

to any of these people. Yeah, yeah, yeah,

1:00:12

yeah. I look at the dads now, they're

1:00:14

like, are we going, Trevor?

1:00:18

Are we heading out? Oh, we don't have to.

1:00:21

We don't have to. Yeah, you

1:00:23

can keep playing for five or six

1:00:25

hours. Yeah, you can keep doing

1:00:27

what, oh, you're

1:00:30

eating five chocolate chip

1:00:32

muffins? Yeah.

1:00:35

That is so right on. Leela,

1:00:37

let's say I tell Leela don't eat that cookie,

1:00:39

and then she eats it. I go, Lee, it's

1:00:42

a pretty good cookie there, right? Like

1:00:44

there's no, and I

1:00:47

wonder if we're gonna get bit in the butt. We

1:00:49

are, no we are. I don't know. I

1:00:51

think, well who knows, who knows. Sure. No, I

1:00:53

actually don't know. I don't know. All of the values

1:00:55

that we value might not be relevant. You're absolutely right.

1:00:59

In like 10 years. Yeah, I get

1:01:01

that. Meeting sharing. I also,

1:01:03

sharing? I don't think sharing

1:01:05

is real. I don't think sharing is real.

1:01:08

I thought you were gonna say something insightful.

1:01:10

There you go. Maybe we won't value sharing.

1:01:12

Maybe we won't value kindness. The world will

1:01:14

be customized completely to you. The way that

1:01:17

it already sort of is now, I'm talking

1:01:19

about a virtual world. Oh, interesting. I'm talking

1:01:21

about it'll make a movie that you're in

1:01:24

starring other people that you want, with the

1:01:26

music that you want. If something is hooked

1:01:28

up to your brain and knows when you're

1:01:30

releasing pleasure chemicals, it can make a symphony

1:01:33

of perfection. And the fact that you and

1:01:35

I were just kind of walking around in

1:01:37

the dark going like, maybe this book, maybe

1:01:39

this movie, maybe this record, will be a

1:01:41

joke. And all of the things that

1:01:43

we learn about like sharing is based on like scarcity.

1:01:45

It's like based on there won't be enough. But if

1:01:47

you're living in a virtual world where there's a chance.

1:01:50

Yeah, but I think, I'll push back on you and

1:01:52

say that that's what

1:01:56

punk rock was, right?

1:01:59

It's punk rock. was an

1:02:01

answer to the

1:02:03

Beatles and disco. And

1:02:05

it was basically like, no, no, no, we're not doing

1:02:07

that. We're smashing these instruments

1:02:10

and we're expressing what's in our

1:02:12

soul. And nobody told us

1:02:14

to do it. And you think there'll be

1:02:16

a punk revolution. There'll be a punk rock

1:02:18

version of digital

1:02:21

algorithms, I think. I

1:02:23

can only dream, but I think. Yeah, I'm just

1:02:25

concerned, and I don't wanna turn this into a

1:02:27

Futurist podcast, because I don't really know what I'm

1:02:29

talking about. And none of us really do. But

1:02:32

I think anything that you know this thing could know and

1:02:34

then be like, where do you want it to be? Like

1:02:36

punk rock? Do you wanna like tell

1:02:38

me to go fuck myself? It'll be like, it'll do

1:02:40

whatever you want. All right,

1:02:42

what's the thing about your relationship with your

1:02:45

dad that you've never talked about on stage

1:02:48

that you think about sometimes on a loop,

1:02:50

but you're like, ah, I can't say that

1:02:52

on stage. Hmm.

1:03:00

Well, Val and I have talked about fight, flight,

1:03:02

fawn, which I think is pretty funny. What's fight,

1:03:04

fight, fawn? Fawn is how I manage

1:03:06

my folks, as I tell them how

1:03:09

great they are. So it's

1:03:11

fawning, like fawning. That seems very kind.

1:03:13

Fight, flight, freeze, fawn. It

1:03:15

is kind, except it's a little bit tricky.

1:03:20

If you're fawning to prevent

1:03:22

a situation, it's not necessarily the most.

1:03:24

Like if I found out you were

1:03:26

being nice to me, because

1:03:28

you were afraid that I might say something that would

1:03:30

hurt you. Yeah. That's different from

1:03:33

if you were just being my friend. Right,

1:03:35

it's a little disingenuous. But

1:03:38

maybe when your folks are in their

1:03:40

later years, it's kind

1:03:42

now. It's kind of a nice thing to do. I actually,

1:03:44

my dad and I are in a

1:03:47

great place. You know why? Because

1:03:49

I get ahead of it, and now I'll just

1:03:51

text both of them a

1:03:53

kind word. That's nice. And I like it.

1:03:56

But it is a little bit, when

1:03:58

I say manipulative, it's my. my attempt

1:04:00

at keeping things sort of copacent. Yeah, I get what you're saying.

1:04:02

I mean, my thing with my dad is, and I said this

1:04:04

to you the other day on the phone, is I go, and

1:04:07

I'm experimenting with saying this on stage.

1:04:09

It's like, my dad

1:04:12

grew up in the 40s in

1:04:15

an Italian neighborhood in Brooklyn, went to

1:04:17

med school on the GI Bill, and

1:04:20

worked on a military

1:04:23

base in Texas for a decade. And

1:04:26

I'm just realizing we're not the same

1:04:28

person. Yeah, yeah. Like,

1:04:31

how did I miss that? That's

1:04:33

a premise that I never tried, is I never

1:04:35

knew how bad my dad was at spelling until

1:04:37

we started texting. That's funny. But

1:04:39

it's because I thought my dad was like the

1:04:41

Pope. I thought he was infallible. That's great. And

1:04:44

then I was like, oh my God. Well, that's great. Have you done that?

1:04:47

I think that's very funny. Yeah. He's

1:04:50

not exactly dying. She prefers the... She likes

1:04:52

us burning each other. You look like someone

1:04:54

who'd get a burn very easily. Sunburn.

1:04:58

Yeah, true. We

1:05:02

just dapped mics. If there is one piece

1:05:04

of technology, wearable technology, that has changed my

1:05:07

life in the past years the most, it

1:05:09

would be hands down this, that you always

1:05:11

see me wearing on the show. It is

1:05:13

my Apollo Neuro. Apollo Neuro

1:05:15

is a wearable tech that helps

1:05:18

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1:05:20

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1:05:22

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1:05:24

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1:05:26

right. It's a wearable hug and

1:05:29

it absolutely works. Your nervous system

1:05:31

speaks in a specific language.

1:05:33

It's not language, it's touch.

1:05:35

And when you get these

1:05:38

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1:05:40

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1:05:42

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1:05:44

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1:05:47

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1:05:49

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1:05:51

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1:05:53

wake up, which I use when I've had

1:05:56

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1:05:58

jittery, but I wanna wake up. sometimes

1:06:00

when I'm driving, social, which is what I

1:06:02

have it on when I'm doing this podcast,

1:06:05

clear and focused, which is what I use

1:06:07

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1:06:09

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1:06:11

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1:06:13

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1:06:20

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1:06:22

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1:06:24

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1:09:34

you see this new hour, you'll see I have a lot

1:09:36

of that stuff. No, no, I get it. I'm

1:09:39

just trying to, for the sake of the podcast,

1:09:41

and for the sake also just of your hour,

1:09:43

I'm just trying to squeeze out of you. What's

1:09:45

the thing? Because I'll try to do the

1:09:48

exercise myself. It's like what's the

1:09:50

thing that you think about your parents

1:09:52

but you wouldn't say because you're like,

1:09:54

ah, maybe that's a bridge too far.

1:09:56

I don't mean to compliment myself, but

1:09:58

that line. every time I wanted

1:10:01

my dad to apologize to me, I've ended up apologizing to

1:10:03

him. It's beautiful. Is as close

1:10:05

a shave as I can man it. Yeah. It's

1:10:08

like tricky to say.

1:10:12

Yeah, you know what's my close shave

1:10:14

that I'm sort of, I

1:10:16

don't have a joke for yet, is, but

1:10:19

it's just a truest, my notebook the other day, because

1:10:21

I know that this is the thrust, for

1:10:23

people who haven't seen my shows,

1:10:26

generally there's some kind of theme,

1:10:28

it heads towards a main story.

1:10:31

And so I'm always in this case, a lot about

1:10:33

my dad, it's all about being a dad and having

1:10:36

a relationship with my dad, he's in

1:10:38

the latter part of his life. And

1:10:41

I'm unpacking these things about my dad,

1:10:43

where I'm going. The

1:10:47

only time my dad was interested in what I

1:10:49

was doing was when it had to do with

1:10:52

academics and sports. And

1:10:55

I wasn't great at sports. So

1:10:57

I cheated at academics. Wow,

1:11:00

that's very good. Not bad, right? I

1:11:02

like it. I did cheat in school in eighth and

1:11:04

ninth grade. Oh,

1:11:10

me too. A lot, quite

1:11:12

a bit. And I feel like I wanna unpack it.

1:11:14

I stopped in high school. I did too, I did

1:11:16

too. I stopped for a year. Why'd you stop? Well,

1:11:19

I went to a very hippie, my joke about

1:11:21

my grade school was no grades, you either got

1:11:23

a hug or a slightly firmer hug. We

1:11:29

called our teachers by their first name. I loved

1:11:31

it, it was great, very empowering. But I also

1:11:33

realized, it was kinda like how we're parenting our

1:11:36

kids. I realized like, I can just

1:11:38

look at my neighbor's paper. Like we

1:11:40

were sitting very close to each other and I was

1:11:42

just like, I don't know. And I don't wanna get

1:11:44

a bad grade. So I know

1:11:46

I just said we don't get grades. We did get grades. Yeah,

1:11:49

I had- Just not a report card. I have

1:11:51

two instances where I was

1:11:53

sort of lying and cheating

1:11:55

in that span of years. One

1:11:58

of them was, a track

1:12:01

meet where I qualified as

1:12:05

the St. Mary's School

1:12:07

50-yard dash champion. I went

1:12:09

to the town track meet

1:12:13

and my

1:12:15

dad was excited and we

1:12:18

made pasta the night before. We did

1:12:20

all the stuff that's not actually helpful.

1:12:22

Right. In the 80s we were

1:12:24

guessing. Drink Gatorade. M&Ms.

1:12:27

Have some M&Ms. You're going to want to

1:12:29

stay up late, stay up very late. Think

1:12:32

about the race, but think about losing. So

1:12:34

in my mind I was like, I'm going to make my dad happy.

1:12:36

I'm going to win the town track meet. It's

1:12:40

like everybody in town shoots me. And

1:12:43

the starter gun goes off or whatever it is. I

1:12:47

swear to God, it was like a puff of

1:12:49

smoke, like a cartoon. It was like everyone is

1:12:51

gone. They're not even in the same race. They're

1:12:53

like, done with the race. I'm

1:12:55

starting the race. And

1:12:59

so what I did was I pretended

1:13:01

to fake an injury. I

1:13:04

just fell down. That's exactly what

1:13:06

I would have done. I go my toe, my toe. Who

1:13:10

has a toe injury in a 50-yard dash?

1:13:13

You're really in a very sweet spot because there's

1:13:15

a thing that we do. And

1:13:18

I'm guessing your dad did it where

1:13:20

they're like, pretending about the toe is

1:13:22

better than facing reality about

1:13:25

the race. So they allow it.

1:13:28

It's like when a kid doesn't want to go off the highdive and

1:13:30

he's like, I have a stomach ache and you go with it. It's

1:13:33

just too hard to be like, or

1:13:35

are you scared? Because who the fuck says that?

1:13:38

And then this is another one that's a little bit

1:13:41

more sad, which is ninth grade,

1:13:43

all boys school. I

1:13:45

get beat up. All

1:13:47

boys Catholic school, I get beat up by this

1:13:49

guy on the football team really bad. And then

1:13:51

I became a mark for his friends. They

1:13:54

would come up to me at the locker and punch me

1:13:56

in the face. What? I'm

1:13:58

not even kidding. I'm not exaggerating. I'm not kidding.

1:14:01

I became, you know, a speed bag. I

1:14:03

was this I was a speed bag of

1:14:06

sorts. I hate that. It

1:14:09

was awful and the school didn't do anything

1:14:11

about it because it's Massachusetts. Right. It's Massachusetts

1:14:14

They're like having you haven't you heard of

1:14:16

us It's

1:14:18

it's Massachusetts in the Catholic Church. Have you seen

1:14:20

our work? Maybe

1:14:23

that that's good. Maybe that's a joke. That's good. Have

1:14:25

you seen our work? Have you

1:14:27

seen our work? Always nice to

1:14:30

meet a fan. Oh you were complaining. You

1:14:33

were complaining. Always nice to

1:14:35

meet a fan. Oh you were complaining. We noticed

1:14:37

Mike's been punched in the face. Always nice to

1:14:39

meet a fan. Oh god. I

1:14:41

remember and I have this memory where I

1:14:44

was In

1:14:46

I was in the St. John's High

1:14:49

School was in ninth grade. I was

1:14:51

in the computer lab writing

1:14:53

an article for the school newspaper

1:14:55

about the Aviation Club and the

1:14:57

title of the article was Aviation

1:15:00

Club soars into orbit. Can

1:15:03

I just say I'm dead? Every

1:15:09

detail and Knowing

1:15:12

that a punch is coming. Yeah, I'm

1:15:14

dead. Little Mike

1:15:16

Birbiglia in

1:15:18

his velcro new balances In

1:15:21

the computer lab You also made me realize

1:15:23

how much of our lives was spent at

1:15:25

the computer lab with the one shared printer

1:15:27

So then this kid comes in and he's

1:15:30

like he's like, you

1:15:32

know You know

1:15:35

Archie Cavuto is looking for you and he's

1:15:37

gonna kill you and I was just like

1:15:39

I don't even know who Archie Cavuto is

1:15:42

Well, that's part of the problem Archie

1:15:44

wants everyone to have a certain feeling

1:15:47

about him if you understand So

1:15:49

I was I was sort of at this Catholic school. I

1:15:51

was sort of on the run and And

1:15:55

what I started to do and it was sort of an

1:15:57

act out of sorts is I would just cheat on

1:15:59

tests Yeah, it was sort of my

1:16:01

way Like of saying

1:16:04

flipping the bird to the school. Like I

1:16:06

don't care about the school. I'm just gonna

1:16:08

cheat I'm gonna age why child psychology and

1:16:10

school psychologists. It's all real Yeah

1:16:13

in the 80s 90s. They're like get

1:16:15

the fuck out of it. I'm like,

1:16:17

yeah, it's real Yeah, you were so

1:16:19

disempowered. Yeah, I went through a shoplifting

1:16:22

phase Oh really same time shoplift it

1:16:24

was a stress. I was trying to

1:16:26

have some control. What'd you take? Well,

1:16:30

the highest and toward the end of

1:16:33

my career was pornography Oh,

1:16:35

wow, it's still Playboy magazine Wow. Thank God. I

1:16:37

didn't get a club magazine I feel like I'd

1:16:39

be a different guy if we had gotten one

1:16:41

of the hardcore mags. Oh, gosh. We

1:16:43

go up I don't even know that one. No, no

1:16:45

club international. No, I just remembered the more extreme in

1:16:47

my face I'm a straight guy and I'm still like

1:16:50

no all I remember that was Extreme

1:16:53

when when I was a kid was like

1:16:55

I think hustler clubs a notch up. Oh,

1:16:58

it's a notch up from Wow, you seen

1:17:00

buttholes in house and hustler. I don't recall

1:17:03

then you didn't see no but Anyway,

1:17:10

the point is I'm trying to You

1:17:14

know and this is brings in the working

1:17:16

it outside of this is like when when

1:17:18

I'm working on jokes a lot

1:17:20

of times It's not the funny

1:17:23

part that I start with of

1:17:25

course not a lot of times It's what

1:17:27

do I not want to talk about? You

1:17:29

made me realize that the area is My

1:17:32

parents I'm going to my parents 50th wedding anniversary

1:17:35

and I think I've talked to you about this

1:17:37

cuz it's way. Yes Yeah, I go. I feel

1:17:39

like a prisoner Going

1:17:41

to the warden's birthday party And

1:17:45

I've said it many times life because

1:17:47

it's a real I've been depending

1:17:50

on stage no very funny. Why are you doing

1:17:52

on stage? The

1:17:54

little boy is like don't say the avoidance don't

1:17:56

say that they because you know that they don't

1:18:00

folks don't listen to the podcast, but they're going to watch

1:18:02

the special. Yeah. But even

1:18:04

that has been sort of discredited, meaning they'll

1:18:06

watch the special and sometimes it just doesn't.

1:18:10

It's possible that it washes over them. They wouldn't

1:18:12

necessarily. That's a great, great joke. Love that joke.

1:18:14

Like I'm going to the wardens. Well,

1:18:17

in the movie of my life, I give a toast

1:18:19

at the if I were a

1:18:21

Mike Brabiglia movie, you know, I'd get

1:18:23

to the wedding anniversary and I'd give

1:18:25

a roast like I would roast them.

1:18:27

Yeah. Like I feel like we're celebrating

1:18:29

everything that broke me. Right.

1:18:32

And they would love it too. Like I wouldn't want to get,

1:18:34

I never, I really, really don't want

1:18:36

to humiliate or embarrass, but there's a certain mood

1:18:38

they can be in, but I don't know if

1:18:40

they'll be in that mood. Right. That's the feeling

1:18:42

of my childhood. I think that thing that

1:18:44

I'm trying to come to grips with. It

1:18:47

reminds me of what you're saying. Cause I'm like, I

1:18:49

don't want to. I want

1:18:51

to preface this by saying how much I appreciate my

1:18:53

parents, love my parents, appreciate my

1:18:55

parents. I feel like they

1:18:58

gave everything in their life for me and

1:19:00

my siblings. So it's like, it's with all

1:19:02

due respect. But

1:19:04

I, but I often I look

1:19:07

at like, I, you

1:19:09

know, Jen said recently, I

1:19:12

don't know, a few

1:19:14

years ago, she goes, when we got married at city

1:19:16

hall, I didn't think we were going to be married.

1:19:19

I was like, you didn't think it was going to like last? She was

1:19:21

like, no, I just sort of thought it would be

1:19:24

whatever. Maybe it would, maybe it wouldn't.

1:19:26

I was like, Oh, I thought it

1:19:28

was like a whole life thing. Like

1:19:30

I'm from Massachusetts. Like people just stay

1:19:32

married. Like my dad used to say

1:19:35

to my mom, Mary Jean, uh, you

1:19:38

would talk to a doorknob. He

1:19:40

used to say that to her in a regular basis because

1:19:42

she talked to a lot of people. And

1:19:46

they're still together. They've

1:19:48

been together 60 years. Well,

1:19:51

that's a premise. Those people they're

1:19:53

together. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's

1:19:55

a premise I have written down in my notes that I could work

1:19:57

it out with you. Let's

1:20:00

see, dad. Do you like that as a joke? Of

1:20:02

course, it made me think of one of my own jokes.

1:20:04

Okay, good. I loved it. Is that a good

1:20:06

sign? Made him think of one of his own jokes. Yeah,

1:20:10

yeah, yeah, I loved it. Okay. Talk

1:20:12

to a doorknob. Yeah. I loved

1:20:14

it. Didn't give it enough? No, no. It's

1:20:16

like when you're telling street jokes. You told one and made me go

1:20:18

like, oh, I know one. There you go, there you go. That's all. Good

1:20:22

joke. You know what I'd love? A

1:20:24

water that isn't in a plastic bottle.

1:20:26

Have your Vita Coco, baby. That's cardboard.

1:20:30

Recyclable. You

1:20:32

can drink your magic mine. Oh

1:20:34

my gosh. You haven't even

1:20:36

had those? Did I send you some of those? Hold on. I'm

1:20:39

gonna grab a water. I'm

1:20:42

gonna grab my allowed to grab a bubbly thing.

1:20:44

Yeah, is there bubbly water in there? There is,

1:20:46

this one, is that okay? Oh, that has caffeine

1:20:48

in it. Oh, it has caffeine? Yeah. That's

1:20:51

how you know we're 45. Don't touch

1:20:53

that, that has caffeine in it. No,

1:20:55

no, hold on, sorry. That definitely is.

1:20:58

None of caffeine? Yeah, I'll tell you how

1:21:00

much caffeine it is. No, I'll look, I'll look, I'll look. I

1:21:02

assumed you don't have your readers. I

1:21:05

don't have readers yet. I'm gonna get them soon now. Yeah,

1:21:07

probably me too. So calling

1:21:10

my mom, which I

1:21:12

hate. Hold on one second. I don't enjoy it.

1:21:15

I don't hate it, but it's not always pleasant.

1:21:17

35 milligrams of caffeine, so how is that? It's

1:21:19

a third of a cup of coffee. Okay. Sorry,

1:21:22

start the joke again. Calling my mom

1:21:25

is difficult. It goes in these phases. We

1:21:27

open with technical difficulties. That's

1:21:30

funny. She can't hear me. I

1:21:32

love that. We move on to environmental difficulties.

1:21:34

My father won't turn Jeopardy down. This is

1:21:36

all real. I've never called my

1:21:39

mom and just gone. It's always like she

1:21:41

answers on her watch. Yeah. She

1:21:43

can't find her phone. She answers, she

1:21:45

goes, oh, PDC, why can't I hear

1:21:47

you? This

1:21:49

is so funny. She's cursing, she's sad, but

1:21:51

she gets sad. She's like, I'm pushing the

1:21:53

button, and I'm like, it's on the side

1:21:56

of the phone. There's a volume on the

1:21:58

side of the phone. Then there's the

1:22:00

airing of grievances, which is her complaining

1:22:02

about whatever she and my father got

1:22:04

into. Then there's the fall

1:22:06

report. How many times

1:22:08

she fell this week? This

1:22:11

is good. Then there's the

1:22:13

unsolvable solvable problem. This

1:22:16

is a whole, this is a reliable segment.

1:22:18

Your father keeps leaving town and leaves me

1:22:20

home alone. I will

1:22:23

suggest a solution and

1:22:25

this will deeply offend her because

1:22:28

what she really wants is to fall

1:22:30

and die so she can tell my

1:22:32

father fuck you from beyond the grave.

1:22:35

That's good. Like she wants to be a victim.

1:22:38

Like she doesn't want, because I was like maybe

1:22:40

mom you could hire more people to be around

1:22:42

the house. Check in with you. She doesn't want

1:22:44

the solution. She's like I'm gonna fall and your

1:22:46

dad won't be here. And then I forget that

1:22:49

she's just kind of twisting her mustache. This seems

1:22:51

great. I mean I think right now you're

1:22:53

a little bit on the page. Like you're a little bit of

1:22:55

reading. I've never done it before. No I know but I'm just

1:22:57

saying. I'm only

1:22:59

saying it because I'm not laughing audibly

1:23:01

but I'm actually like taking it in and

1:23:04

loving it. Here's the last one. The misunderstanding.

1:23:06

This is the final piece. Did you get the

1:23:08

butterfly gift? Yes it's great.

1:23:11

We're growing the butterflies you sent in the

1:23:13

in the habitat.

1:23:16

She goes that's not what I got you. I sent a book. Oh

1:23:19

yes we got it thank you. My

1:23:21

mom says I don't need you to thank me I just want to

1:23:23

know if you got it. I

1:23:27

love this from the person who accused me

1:23:29

earlier in the conversation of just reading voicemails.

1:23:31

That's hilarious. And it ends with the accidental

1:23:33

call back. If I talked

1:23:35

to my mom 10 minutes after the phone call she

1:23:37

will call me back and I'll answer

1:23:40

and she'll say sorry I didn't mean to call you back.

1:23:42

That'll happen between one and four

1:23:44

times. That's very funny. I think that

1:23:46

whole runs great. You guys do it on

1:23:48

stage. Yeah I'll try it. I

1:23:50

think it's gonna be great. Oh thanks man. I

1:23:53

had something on religion because you're so you're so

1:23:55

hip to religion. I like being hip

1:23:57

to religion you. Well I have a thing where

1:23:59

I'm like right

1:26:00

now. Yeah. I mean the same way that

1:26:02

I'm genuinely intrigued by Buddhism. The Black Afakita

1:26:04

is, it's a

1:26:06

masterpiece. It's wonderful. What would be, you

1:26:08

know what's funny though, Atsuko, my

1:26:11

buddy who did the show the other night with me,

1:26:14

she was saying, she was like, your Hinduism, but

1:26:16

it's funny, but like, you also got to like

1:26:18

make fun of Hinduism. You know

1:26:20

what I mean? Like go at it. Yeah. Cause she was like, you

1:26:23

make fun of Catholicism. You make fun of other

1:26:25

religions. It's like, but then like you, you have

1:26:27

this funny joke about Hinduism. It was like, you

1:26:29

gotta like smack it a little bit. Well, you

1:26:32

got a lot. There's a lot going on. I

1:26:34

mean, Krishna is a blue boy. You know, I

1:26:36

don't know what that means. Krishna.

1:26:38

Krishna is a blue boy. What do you mean

1:26:40

a blue boy? I feel like

1:26:43

there's a YouTube clip that could make me

1:26:45

feel really bad about Hinduism. No, no, no.

1:26:47

They could just give you the basics. I'm

1:26:49

pretty sure this is Hinduism. Is

1:26:52

it like a negative thing I'm saying? No. No.

1:26:55

What she's saying is you

1:26:57

don't criticize, you're not criticizing. And if you knew

1:26:59

the mythology, you would have more. If I understood

1:27:01

the mythology, I'd have more criticisms. Arjun Lakshman. There's

1:27:03

a lot of old Jewish ladies I know named

1:27:06

like these. Well, the thing I've been saying, but

1:27:08

I think the reason why she was saying this

1:27:10

is lately I've been doing this thing about, I

1:27:13

was raised Catholic, but I can't bring

1:27:15

my daughter a Catholic church. It's like,

1:27:18

I know what happened. You know what

1:27:20

I mean? Like it's like, if someone molested

1:27:23

someone at our local Whole Foods, we wouldn't

1:27:25

hit the Whole Foods that much anymore. Yeah.

1:27:27

You know what I mean? Even if they

1:27:29

were like, it only happens sometimes. Yeah. Like,

1:27:31

nah, that's enough. I'm

1:27:33

a little Freudian here with words. I wouldn't say

1:27:36

Whole Foods. Unless

1:27:38

that's the joke you're trying to make. Because

1:27:40

it's a sexual double on trying to,

1:27:42

yeah, I didn't mean it that way.

1:27:44

I know you didn't. Trader Joe's. Interesting.

1:27:47

Yeah. I get what

1:27:49

Trader Joe's is funnier. Somebody got

1:27:51

molested. At Trader Joe's. We're not going to

1:27:53

hit that Trader Joe's anymore. I

1:27:58

don't know. That's by the way. Rain is very literal. Well,

1:28:00

in the working it out space for the working it

1:28:02

out listeners, as you point out, that's

1:28:04

a perfect example of this. These are the conversations

1:28:06

comedians have all the time. Whole Foods. Well, yeah.

1:28:09

Whole Foods Trader Joe's. What's the funnier

1:28:11

word? Trader Joe's. Yeah. Just

1:28:13

a funnier word. And Costco is a funnier K sound, but

1:28:15

I don't think it's funny. I don't see you in a

1:28:17

Costco. Yeah. Do you want

1:28:19

to hear my? Yeah, your religion joke. Oh, here's

1:28:21

a one-liner. I want to do a patriotic travel

1:28:23

show called America, Love It and Leave It. Look

1:28:27

at your face. Well, Katie

1:28:30

liked it. Kids talk. Oh,

1:28:32

patriotic travel. Okay, I get it now. Kids

1:28:36

talk like swingers. This is a joke I'll never do.

1:28:38

It's too gross. Kids and

1:28:41

swingers talk the same. Okay. Do

1:28:43

you want to play? Oh God. Do

1:28:45

you like to share? Oh God. Are you

1:28:47

good at sharing? I don't like this. Yeah, nobody

1:28:49

wants. Nobody likes it. I hate it. I'm

1:28:52

telling you, I'll never do it. I'll never do it. But when we're

1:28:54

at the playground, we're like, if these were men with mustaches, you would

1:28:56

think they were about to. Oh God. It's

1:28:58

like swingers, swingers talk. Okay,

1:29:01

I'm going to tell you the God

1:29:03

joke. I

1:29:06

believe in God. Don't get me

1:29:08

wrong. I don't think God exists.

1:29:10

That would be insane. To

1:29:13

exist means to stand out from the ground of being. I

1:29:15

think God is the ground of being. That's what that one

1:29:17

means. I believe in this. You

1:29:19

know, this. Yeah. You

1:29:21

know, this. Yeah. That's

1:29:24

God. Reality, consciousness. Some people say there's too

1:29:26

much sadness, too much pain, too much chaos,

1:29:28

too much confusion for there to be a

1:29:30

God. But what does the plot of a

1:29:32

movie have to do with whether or

1:29:34

not someone made the movie? I

1:29:37

think that's funny. You would never say there's

1:29:39

too much sadness, pain, chaos and confusion in

1:29:41

this movie. Therefore no one made the movie.

1:29:44

The movie just spontaneously arrived at a

1:29:46

blackness for no reason whatsoever. It's too

1:29:48

sad. Yeah. Like if it

1:29:50

was a nice movie, you'd think something made

1:29:52

it. Like if we were all having orgasms

1:29:54

24 seven and eating lobster rolls, listening to

1:29:56

Jimmy Buffett while sitting on warm

1:29:58

chocolate bidet found. would be like, yeah, there's

1:30:00

a god, someone play on this. There's a

1:30:02

liquid dessert being shot at my tush. Who

1:30:05

cares? Who cares if it's nice

1:30:07

or not? It's here. There is a movie. We

1:30:10

have to deal with that. Just because it's not

1:30:12

the movie you would have made doesn't mean something

1:30:14

didn't make it. The content has nothing to do

1:30:16

with it. There is a movie, and you're in

1:30:18

it. It's funny that

1:30:20

all the arguments you can come up with

1:30:22

for there being no god are come up

1:30:25

with. You come up with them in

1:30:27

reality. That's the funniest thing I

1:30:29

can say to you. You come up with them

1:30:31

in reality. You

1:30:33

use the mystery, consciousness, your existence

1:30:36

to say there's no mystery. Consciousness

1:30:39

is the mystery. Yeah, that's right. It's

1:30:41

like we're all pens, and we're filled

1:30:43

with this magical ink that makes us

1:30:45

aware and gives us life. And some

1:30:47

of us use those pens to write,

1:30:49

this is bullshit. Yeah. It's

1:30:51

like characters in a book arguing for

1:30:53

the existence of an author. Of course

1:30:55

there's no author. Characters in

1:30:57

a book can't find the author.

1:31:00

The author isn't in the book.

1:31:02

Even if the author writes a character named

1:31:05

the author, that's not the author. That's

1:31:07

a hint that there might be an author

1:31:09

that's as good as we can get. Of

1:31:11

course there's no god. You're not gonna find

1:31:13

god here. You're not gonna find author in

1:31:16

a book. Congratulations, you're hired as our deacon.

1:31:18

I know, it is a homily, isn't it? Yeah,

1:31:23

that's it. Contact your local priest or deacon,

1:31:26

or Pete Holmes. Yeah,

1:31:28

even as I'm reading it to you, that's the first

1:31:30

time I've tried it. It's good. You think it's good?

1:31:32

It's a good run. I mean, I think it's like,

1:31:35

I think your final version of it's gonna be a third of

1:31:37

what. A third, that's what I was gonna say. A third of

1:31:39

what it is. It's a third. Which is, by the way, for

1:31:43

the creative listening, that's my ratio. If

1:31:46

I have something I like, it's gonna be a

1:31:48

third of what I wrote. This is real working

1:31:50

it out shit. Do you wanna know the real?

1:31:52

The real real of my process? I'll go on

1:31:54

stage with that. I won't memorize it. And what

1:31:56

I say, that's the joke. It'll just kinda come

1:31:58

out. The pressure of being. on stage. I'll

1:32:00

go, I believe in God, don't get me

1:32:03

wrong, I don't think it exists. Some people think God

1:32:05

doesn't exist, but what is the plot of a movie

1:32:07

after because it's too chaotic? It's that. And then the

1:32:09

third one is the author isn't in the book. Yeah,

1:32:11

the author isn't in the book is my favorite

1:32:13

part of it. That's the part where I locked

1:32:16

in. Me too. I

1:32:19

came to life too. Yeah, this is what my

1:32:21

director Seth always talks about is like, he doesn't

1:32:23

talk about things in relation to I

1:32:25

love it, I hate it, I like it, I don't like

1:32:28

it. He just goes, I was in

1:32:30

here and I fell out here and

1:32:32

then I was in here. And then I

1:32:34

was really in here. And for me,

1:32:36

it's when the people in the book don't know

1:32:38

there's an author. Well, the joke could be as

1:32:40

simple as I think it's funny

1:32:42

that all the arguments you can come up with

1:32:44

for there being no God, you come up with

1:32:47

them in reality.

1:32:49

That's the funniest thing in

1:32:51

the world. You're in reality,

1:32:54

saying nothing made reality, which is really

1:32:56

interesting to me because there's no evidence

1:32:58

for a God except the

1:33:01

fact that you can hear me right now.

1:33:04

But what gets tricky, Mikey, is that I

1:33:06

believe that God is conscious and that's really

1:33:08

hard to kind of explain. I kind of

1:33:11

don't want the wrong God element. When

1:33:13

I said this to Val, for example, she's

1:33:15

like, it's giving me church douche chills because

1:33:17

calling God the author of reality is a

1:33:19

very churchy thing to say. It's

1:33:22

interesting. I was talking on working out

1:33:24

recently about how in

1:33:27

some ways, and this goes back

1:33:29

to our other conversation, in some

1:33:31

ways about algorithms. I've

1:33:34

had Rami Yousaf and Alex Edelman

1:33:36

on the show recently, someone

1:33:39

who's very serious about Judaism, someone who's very

1:33:41

serious about Islam. Which one? It

1:33:44

doesn't even matter. Which for which? It doesn't even matter. And

1:33:49

in some ways, I feel like people

1:33:51

who are devout religious people

1:33:53

and yourself included. I'm not

1:33:55

devoutly religious. Well, you're serious about

1:33:58

your... media

1:36:00

like I don't go on social media so if I'm

1:36:02

canceled just don't tell me. Funny. I

1:36:05

just want to walk around like an idiot just like hey

1:36:07

people like fuck you I'm like nice to meet a fan.

1:36:10

Ticket sales are slow. Like

1:36:14

just let me be a happy idiot. Oh

1:36:16

god. Let me

1:36:18

see if there's anything. Oh here's

1:36:20

one. My relatives are from the south they're

1:36:22

from Texas and they act like they're more

1:36:24

country than they are. Yeah. They're

1:36:26

like well what is that? What is a kish? Like

1:36:30

a like a like a pot crust but

1:36:32

it's egg in the middle. Yeah that's

1:36:34

exactly what a kish is. You know

1:36:37

what I mean like you know. Yeah. What

1:36:39

do you preheat it to 350 put a bunch of eggs

1:36:41

in there with some veggies. Yes. What

1:36:43

is a crepe? Like one

1:36:46

of those really thin pancakes?

1:36:49

What is a scone? What's a scone? Like

1:36:52

a really hard crumbly muffin? Yes.

1:36:55

You knew. You knew the

1:36:57

whole time. Have you done

1:36:59

this? That's new. Oh that's cold. That's

1:37:02

the first time. Oh it's cold. You know

1:37:04

it's funny I have a I'm playing I'm trying to think of

1:37:06

where I'm playing. I'm playing Georgia this

1:37:08

summer and this is a I have a Georgia joke

1:37:11

which is sometimes there's some

1:37:13

parts of the country you go and

1:37:16

you just don't know what they're saying and they're

1:37:18

speaking English. I

1:37:23

was in Georgia once and

1:37:26

then I was in this parking lot and this

1:37:28

woman goes and this is the to the best

1:37:30

of my understanding she goes dip that

1:37:32

but if that but that but the hat and

1:37:34

I was like oh no

1:37:36

because all I understood

1:37:39

was the hat you know so that

1:37:41

I. And

1:37:47

I go I go

1:37:50

and I go yep and

1:37:53

then I go I go no no I go

1:37:55

what and then she goes dip

1:37:58

that but it but it but but. hat

1:38:00

and I'm wearing a baseball cap and so

1:38:02

I'm like must be something with the hat

1:38:04

you know what I mean like and

1:38:07

so I this is a hundred

1:38:09

percent true story and I just

1:38:11

go yep this is some kind

1:38:13

of hat and she goes nah dip

1:38:16

it up a dip it up

1:38:18

a hat and I walked away

1:38:20

from her slowly and waved and

1:38:22

I thought I guess we're never

1:38:24

gonna know each other that's it's

1:38:28

been minted that that record went gold

1:38:30

it's on my wall it's so funny

1:38:32

I I've had that joke I love

1:38:35

that I've had that joke in my back pocket

1:38:37

for years every now and then I do it

1:38:40

it will tell me thematically how

1:38:42

it out fits into that my

1:38:45

damn show and sometimes I have these jokes like

1:38:47

that where I'm like this is so funny to

1:38:49

me but I don't know what

1:38:51

has an opener I don't know how what

1:38:53

has to do with my dad you go

1:38:55

and being a dad it's nice to be

1:38:57

in Brooklyn you know some yes is you

1:38:59

talk English but you don't understand the

1:39:02

whole country speaks English you let me just

1:39:04

say it's not the same right right you

1:39:07

do it it's a nice little it's the

1:39:09

sorbet before the main course there you go

1:39:12

right I would do it a little differently than that it would be

1:39:14

more in the universe of like you

1:39:16

know every city is

1:39:18

special people the die

1:39:20

sometimes the dialects I don't quite I

1:39:23

actually think if if you're a stand-up

1:39:25

stand-up listening who care my opinion there

1:39:28

is no easier or more natural opener and

1:39:30

I'm not alone here than saying I was

1:39:32

just here and this is what happened I

1:39:34

was just in Georgia and this is what

1:39:37

happened it's the only natural way to start

1:39:39

actually that's good when you eat

1:39:41

pistachios or Doritos it's I'm kind of

1:39:43

an addict of a badic yeah okay

1:39:45

or like lime tostitos yeah are

1:39:48

you like me I'll eat way past the

1:39:50

point of enjoying it because I'm I'm just

1:39:53

it's a scavenger hunt I'm looking for the

1:39:55

double-dusted chip I want that

1:39:57

chip that got two hits Two

1:40:01

hits from the... This isn't even a bit, it's

1:40:03

just kind of a premise. Right. Two

1:40:05

squeezes. Two squeezes. I'm eating

1:40:07

the pistachios just looking for that one where

1:40:10

you're like, oh, no one was paying attention

1:40:12

when that one went by. I'm

1:40:14

being real with you. You want that? I

1:40:16

do want that. I don't. There's something

1:40:19

to me where I'm like grossed out by

1:40:21

the exact thing you're saying. So

1:40:23

I'm not laughing, not out

1:40:25

of non-solidarity for that. I think it's

1:40:27

a funny observation. Here's a one-liner. We're

1:40:30

just, you're just gonna pass over the discussion?

1:40:33

No, go ahead. Okay,

1:40:36

next joke. I like

1:40:39

Mexican Diet Coke because it's made with real

1:40:41

acetaminophen, I put something down to 45. I

1:40:44

have to get a real ingredient. I

1:40:48

love that I interrupted you for a joke you didn't

1:40:50

even like. Wait, but

1:40:53

that's not even true because the Mexican Coke actually does

1:40:55

have real sugar. No, I know, but I'm trying, there's

1:40:57

a way to go like, and I

1:40:59

like Mexican Diet Coke. It's like an Albert Brooks

1:41:01

joke. Oh, that's funny. I was just in Mexico

1:41:03

and they have better Diet Coke there. It has

1:41:06

the real, like you say the thing. Oh,

1:41:08

that's good. It has real, phosphorus acid. Well, you have

1:41:10

to do it with Diet Coke, I think. Mexican Diet

1:41:12

Coke. That's what I said. You didn't hear that part

1:41:15

because you're still mad. He said diet. Oh,

1:41:17

you said diet? Okay. Yeah, it's okay. Can

1:41:20

you, okay. Did you, I do feel

1:41:22

bad that I interrupted you. No, no, look,

1:41:25

as long as you're good with- Nonsense?

1:41:29

A little bit of nonsense? Well, yeah, as

1:41:31

long as you're- Okay,

1:41:34

here's- I'm urging because we only have seven minutes left. Oh,

1:41:36

is that what we have? Yeah. Here's

1:41:38

how I'm gonna sum up what's happening today. And

1:41:40

I think it's beautiful. You said that like Malini. Oh, is

1:41:42

that what we have? He's kind of

1:41:44

got that meerkat thing.

1:41:47

Here's what I'm gonna sum up today. I

1:41:50

feel like for the working it out

1:41:52

listeners, this is a lot

1:41:54

of working out of, this is really

1:41:57

truly when we invented the show. This

1:41:59

is- of what we wanted it to be. Which

1:42:02

is a peek behind the curtain of

1:42:04

what comedians actually talk about. You can say it, I'm

1:42:06

the only one who does the show right. I

1:42:09

didn't say that. You can. No, because

1:42:11

actually, good example, Rami and Alex were

1:42:13

both great guests. Rami

1:42:16

has a line that is in my hour right

1:42:18

now. Just from the show, there's a

1:42:20

ribbon. No, but I just want to pay

1:42:23

that compliment and say that. I

1:42:25

also want to do, if we only have a few minutes

1:42:27

left, working it out for a cause, what's an organization you

1:42:29

like to support, we will link to them in the show

1:42:31

notes and contribute to them. How much?

1:42:34

I don't know. I don't know what it is. That's

1:42:36

the only right answer. You know, I don't know. Homeboy

1:42:40

Industries is my go-to, I love that. Oh yes, Homeboy Industries.

1:42:42

I did that last time I was on the show. That's

1:42:44

great. And what do they do?

1:42:46

I also like Feeding America and water.org, but

1:42:48

Homeboy is my number one. What does Homeboy

1:42:50

do? Homeboy is the

1:42:53

largest gang rehabilitation center

1:42:55

in the country. It's not far

1:42:57

from here, actually. And

1:42:59

the books, Tattoos

1:43:01

on the Heart, The Whole Language, and

1:43:03

I think it's called, it doesn't

1:43:06

matter. They're all by Father Greg Boyle. They're incredible,

1:43:08

incredible books. So when they leave the gang and

1:43:10

they go to Homeboy, do they have

1:43:12

to accept Jesus Christ as their Lord and Savior? No,

1:43:14

no, no. I just want to make sure I get

1:43:17

it right. No, no, no. They don't

1:43:19

worship Christ, they become Christ. They become

1:43:21

Christ-like. No, no, not even Christ-like. It's

1:43:23

not behavioral. It's the most loving, beautiful,

1:43:26

true ministry that

1:43:29

it has nothing to do with religion

1:43:31

directly, I would say. Oh, sweet. Yeah,

1:43:33

it's just, it's rehab. Tattoo

1:43:36

removal, get it off your face, job

1:43:38

training, Homeboy bakery. It's

1:43:41

beautiful. Yeah, it's awesome. I love that, awesome. And

1:43:44

then also, where are you going? Where's your show? Tonight?

1:43:47

Yeah. I don't

1:43:50

know, but it's downtown. Okay. Yeah.

1:43:52

Do you want to hear a joke? I never

1:43:55

tried, because I'm too nervous. Sometimes I get nervous

1:43:57

when jokes are real, like you

1:43:59

can tell them. setting up a real thing and

1:44:01

then stuck in it. Well, I can tell when you're

1:44:03

doing a joke that you've really

1:44:05

written. Yeah. Because you sound like

1:44:07

Dennis Miller. This is gonna have that problem. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

1:44:10

Boop, boop, boop, what are ya,

1:44:12

goyeth of gath. I'm over

1:44:15

here with my slingshot because I'm David in

1:44:17

the Old Testament. And you're looking at me

1:44:19

like Ross Perot just got the numbers in

1:44:21

1986. That's

1:44:24

a good joke. Is that good? Yeah, I think that is

1:44:26

very good. It feels very... It's so Dennis Miller-y. Is that

1:44:28

what you're trying to tell Dennis Miller-esque? You're

1:44:30

trying to give me Bill Cosby 2020 when

1:44:33

I want Cosby 1999, okay? I'm

1:44:36

talking premium, prime time, Thursday night,

1:44:39

8 p.m. NBC Cosby, all right?

1:44:42

Jesus Christ, that's a pretty good Dennis

1:44:45

Miller. It really is

1:44:47

a pretty... And people do Dennis Miller a lot.

1:44:49

A curious soap right here. Okay, here's

1:44:51

the joke. All right, here we go. I

1:44:54

cook for my daughter and I cook for her very

1:44:56

lovingly, obviously. And sometimes I like to pretend I'm a

1:44:58

fine dining waiter. I'll go like

1:45:00

that tonight. The chef has prepared a frozen

1:45:03

burrito that your dad microwaved. It did explode

1:45:05

and is cold in the middle and that's

1:45:07

been chilled in the fridge. You

1:45:11

were with it. Yeah, I was with it. And I lost you.

1:45:15

I made you a... I don't

1:45:17

know why you had chilled in the fridge. You

1:45:19

don't chill your daughter's food in the fridge? That's

1:45:21

the whole point of the joke. I know, I

1:45:23

didn't get it. It's chilled in the fridge. I

1:45:25

made you instant macaroni and cheese. That has been

1:45:27

hand stirred with a powdered based cream cheese and

1:45:30

that's been chilled in the fridge. You

1:45:32

gotta chill your food in the fridge. You don't give your

1:45:34

kid hot food. You chill

1:45:36

it in the fridge. You've made me... Well, Katie,

1:45:38

you don't have any kids. Oh

1:45:41

yeah, well that was the 90s. All

1:45:44

right, you just killed that joke. I

1:45:46

didn't mean to. Somebody listening liked it.

1:45:51

Okay, here's the last one. You

1:45:54

know why music biopics suck? You

1:45:58

know, they suck. Okay. They do. You

1:46:01

know why? Because writing music is

1:46:04

fucking stupid. It's stupid.

1:46:07

Someone's sitting in a studio and going, do

1:46:13

that again. It's fucking dumb.

1:46:16

Elton John being like, Rocket

1:46:18

Boy, fucking dumb.

1:46:20

It's dumb. Music

1:46:24

rock and roll is rehearsed

1:46:26

coolness. They're like, if

1:46:28

I go out, and I'm like, do

1:46:30

the Harlem shuffle. That's cool.

1:46:33

But the guy just sitting with a pad and

1:46:35

pen going like, hmm.

1:46:39

You know, Rolling Stone joke here. I'll

1:46:41

tell you, I'm not with this joke.

1:46:44

What are you, Seth Barish? Well, we know it's

1:46:46

not that. I love, I love

1:46:49

rock and roll documentaries. And

1:46:52

so your premise is, rock

1:46:54

and roll documentaries are so annoying. And I'm like, I don't

1:46:56

know, man. I'm saying they suck.

1:46:59

I'm like, I know. You're like, they suck. I'm

1:47:01

like, I don't know, man. Like I love rock

1:47:03

and roll documentaries. I

1:47:05

don't know. Dude, I'm telling.

1:47:07

It's like, I'm telling you, I'm being honest.

1:47:10

I love like almost every

1:47:12

joke you've said today. Yeah, no, I appreciate

1:47:14

the honest feedback. So like when, when something doesn't

1:47:17

hit me, I'll be honest about why it

1:47:19

doesn't hit me. Facts. Yeah.

1:47:22

Like I almost think you have a better chance with

1:47:24

that joke. If you feel really power and passionate about

1:47:26

it. Of not speaking

1:47:28

in platitudes and just saying, I

1:47:30

have this pet peeve with rock and roll documentaries.

1:47:32

Like make it about me. Yeah. Your

1:47:35

experience because the moment you said they suck, I'm

1:47:37

like, I don't know, man. Interesting.

1:47:39

I love them. That's helping me

1:47:41

with another joke I have that I love right now

1:47:44

about houses that make you take your shoes off. And

1:47:47

I might do better. I do it in platitudes, as

1:47:49

you say, I do it. I think it's funny to

1:47:51

just say the opening line is, can

1:47:53

people who make you take your shoes off before you come in their house,

1:47:56

just fucking quit it. And I think that's

1:47:58

really funny. funny, but it might be

1:48:01

funnier to be like, I have a

1:48:03

thing about that. Make it more inclusive because a

1:48:05

lot of the audience, part of the fun of

1:48:07

that joke is you know half the audience disagrees

1:48:09

with me. Yes. But I go,

1:48:11

Oh, you have a policy? I have a policy.

1:48:13

Eat shit. That's my policy. Oh my God. And

1:48:15

it's real fun to do. I'm not changing it.

1:48:17

This was me just realizing. For me, well, for

1:48:19

me it would be like, I would

1:48:24

place it in someone's

1:48:26

house, if it's a, if

1:48:28

you're making up their name, it's Sarah's

1:48:30

house, but you say it's Maureen's house.

1:48:33

It's my friend, Sam and Ariella. Yeah.

1:48:35

Yeah. Cause I go, I think if

1:48:37

you place it in someone's house, we

1:48:40

picture the house. We picture the people,

1:48:42

there's stakes because they're real people. They

1:48:44

could hear you talk about this. Yeah.

1:48:46

Yeah. Yeah. That's true. That's nice. I

1:48:50

liked a bit. Yeah. You liked the bit.

1:48:52

Are you, am I annoying you today? Zero.

1:48:55

Okay. Good. What about my

1:48:57

open, open,

1:48:59

generous body language says I'm not into

1:49:01

you. Everything

1:49:03

about me says, is this generous

1:49:05

body language? Yes. Okay. Good. We're

1:49:08

both presenting to one another. That's

1:49:10

true. We're just like,

1:49:12

would you like, would you like this? Uh,

1:49:16

would you like this? Maybe, maybe I was getting in my

1:49:18

comedy voice. I do have to go. I can hear you

1:49:20

want to hear my Phil Rosenthal impression and

1:49:23

I go in and they have these little

1:49:25

dumplings and they're filled with pork. I

1:49:28

didn't know you could put pork in a dumpling.

1:49:30

I eat it. It's incredible. He's kind

1:49:33

of like you now that I think I go down.

1:49:35

There's an old woman making spaghetti with

1:49:38

her knuckles. It reminds me of

1:49:40

Richard Kind

1:49:43

who's the announcer on the lady

1:49:45

live. Is he? Yeah. Everyone's

1:49:48

in LA, which is I'm on

1:49:50

tomorrow. Yeah. Well,

1:49:55

he lives in New York. So. Petey,

1:50:00

I saw what you said on your podcast. Stop

1:50:03

it. Stop it. We're

1:50:05

friends. I didn't have you on the

1:50:07

list of people I couldn't have on. It

1:50:09

is long as your night shirt. If

1:50:13

we had an

1:50:16

MRI machine right here, we

1:50:19

could see your heart shrinking in real time. Like

1:50:23

the Grinch? Wow. You look

1:50:25

like the sawdust they put

1:50:27

on the puke at

1:50:31

the carnival. Just

1:50:34

kind of like a bland.

1:50:36

I feel like today is

1:50:38

your Joker origin story. Oh,

1:50:42

because the De Niro Malani

1:50:44

didn't have Joaquin, me, on,

1:50:47

but he had you on. Yeah. I

1:50:51

hope you have a lot of fun, man. Thank

1:50:55

you very much. If

1:50:58

you choose to keep this in, that

1:51:01

will be very amusing to me. I

1:51:06

love you. I appreciate you

1:51:09

having me on Weird Working It Out.

1:51:14

Weird Working It Out? Yeah. Nice.

1:51:17

Weird Working It Out. Would you say Keep It

1:51:19

Crispy? Yeah, Keep It

1:51:21

Crispy, my fellow comedian

1:51:23

friend. I love you very much. I

1:51:25

love you. Tell

1:51:29

John I said, what's up? I'll

1:51:31

try. It's

1:51:35

really busy over there. They

1:51:39

have like a lot of stuff going on. Just

1:51:42

thought a lot of moving parts. It's like TV, you wouldn't

1:51:44

understand. It's

1:51:47

like show business over there. It's

1:51:49

not something you'd understand. It's

1:51:55

like people in the business, you wouldn't understand. It's

1:52:00

like, it's really like

1:52:02

royalty in comedy. You wouldn't understand. It's

1:52:07

real like hall

1:52:09

of fame, heavy hitter legends

1:52:12

over there. You wouldn't understand. I

1:52:17

don't know if I said it last time, but

1:52:19

you look like the photograph Matt Damon

1:52:22

tapes to his treadmill to motivate. You've

1:52:25

said it. It's still funny. It's still funny.

1:52:28

It's still funny. Keep it. Keep it in.

1:52:30

Keep it crispy. Keep it crispy.