0:00

You made it weird, you made

0:02

it weird, you made it weird.

0:05

Oh, yeah. You made

0:07

it weird, you made it weird. Yes,

0:09

you did. You made it weird. You

0:11

made it weird. You made it weird

0:14

with Pete Holmes. What's

0:16

happening, weirdos? What is happening?

0:19

We're on Zoom. We're zooming at you. Zooming at

0:21

you. Oh, man. We're zooming at

0:23

you. Where was Skype?

0:25

I've said it a million times. How

0:27

mad is the CEO of Skype? I'll

0:29

say it every time. I'm

0:32

done asking where is Skype

0:34

and I started asking where's

0:36

the documentary about that? I

0:39

want it. Also, how did

0:41

FaceTime blow it? Somehow FaceTime

0:43

blew it. Like, this

0:46

is Blu-ray versus HDVD. HDVD,

0:48

remember? I was

0:50

like, well, HDVD, that's so cool. It's HD

0:52

and it's a DVD. It's going to be

0:54

HDVD. Blu-ray, eat shit.

0:57

Blu-ray is Zoom. HDVD

1:00

was Skype and FaceTime. Somehow

1:02

this little misfit has won.

1:05

We had an HDVD player.

1:07

I'm just remembering this. We were

1:10

so late to Blu-ray. It was

1:12

like until it wasn't a choice

1:14

anymore. I know. Yeah, eventually

1:16

Blu-ray was like, stop it. Stop. Let

1:18

it go. Stop. You

1:21

invested in the wrong one. We're

1:24

so glad you guys are here. This

1:26

is a classic episode, especially

1:30

in the sense that at the beginning, I was

1:33

really tight. And stay with

1:35

it. If I seem a little tight, listen

1:38

to me now. I feel so wonderful. So

1:40

there's this arc and this journey, and

1:42

there's healing and there's learning, and

1:45

there's sharing and there's laughing. And

1:47

I'm glad you guys are here. Yeah, it's

1:49

you made it. And did you say rowing? Growing.

1:52

And growing. And rowing, your final

1:54

analogy at the end. That's

1:56

true. So we're so glad you guys

1:58

are here. Thank you, thank you. Thank you for those

2:00

of you that are new to the show. These

2:02

are the Friday bonus episodes where Val and I

2:04

catch up and this is

2:07

a classic. I

2:09

hope you enjoy it. I

2:12

was gonna say Leela. Leela, Katie,

2:15

Katie, will you please? She's our new producer. Exactly,

2:18

Leela's on the ones and twos this week. We

2:22

don't do ads for things that we don't actually

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use and actually love and it means a lot

2:26

if you support the show. Try one of these

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things. And see

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Support the show. Alright

7:11

everybody. Here we are. Here

7:14

we are. Here we are. Yeah.

7:17

Valerie. Get into

7:19

it. How's your hotel

7:22

room? Okay.

7:26

This is very, you know, I

7:28

am having a lovely morning. We

7:30

did start with some technical stress.

7:33

For me, not for you, you little cherubim.

7:37

You're such

7:39

a perfect counterbalance but I

7:43

do sometimes as we

7:45

talk about often on this podcast feel

7:47

like the Frankenstein monster in

7:50

the sport coat and the big

7:52

shoes and the slacks.

7:55

Very well dressed monster on

7:57

the beach. and

8:00

you're just swimming and loving

8:02

life. And this

8:04

isn't just to clear

8:06

the air. I thought it was interesting because

8:09

I was wondering what

8:11

it says, or rather how

8:13

many people relate to

8:15

this starting block feeling that I

8:18

get, not just with

8:20

this, but with standup, with anything that

8:22

I'm trying to do where

8:24

I'm really trying to show up in

8:26

a big way, and

8:29

this podcast is one of those things, I

8:31

get the feeling that I'm on the starting block

8:34

and any sort of

8:36

hiccup or delay really

8:38

makes me feel like an intense control

8:41

freak, that I'm like, no, we're

8:44

supposed to shoot the

8:46

gun and run. And I'm

8:48

really trying to crime myself.

8:51

I'm revved up. And when

8:53

we started the call, I

8:56

was really revved up to start. I

8:58

didn't think we were gonna have any, should

9:01

we do this on QuickTime as well, which is

9:03

not your fault. You're absolutely right, we should do

9:05

that. But I get this, the

9:08

image that comes to mind is a

9:10

sprinter, and

9:12

I've run, but the gun didn't go,

9:15

and now I've tried to stop, and that injures

9:17

all of my muscles, and then I fall. And

9:21

I tumble, and I'm covered

9:24

in my own spit, and I'm just

9:26

like a clumsy, to mix

9:28

metaphors, giraffe. And

9:32

it takes a surprising amount

9:34

of time for me to get

9:37

back to baseline. And I'm gonna stop talking

9:40

soon, because I really wanna hear your take on this,

9:42

because it's the Valerie that we

9:44

all crave and want.

9:46

But before, when we listen to the show,

9:48

you know what I'm saying, before we were

9:51

doing this, my morning has

9:53

been sipping

9:55

coffee, reading Rupert

9:58

Spira, and getting it back. so

10:01

deeply present that

10:04

I'm almost to

10:06

a psychedelic state

10:09

really embodying and experiencing that there

10:12

is no time, that the only

10:14

thing we've ever experienced is

10:16

the now, which isn't even occurring

10:19

always because always implies that it's

10:21

always occurring in time. It's completely

10:23

outside of time. It's eternal. And

10:25

I turned off the – that

10:28

was a lecture I was listening to. I turned it

10:30

off. I closed my eyes for 20 minutes. That

10:32

flew by, and I'm just blissed

10:35

out. And isn't

10:37

this just the feeling of the

10:39

up and the down and the back and the forth? Like

10:42

one minor – and you

10:45

can hear all the embarrassment and

10:48

the shame – one

10:50

minor really

10:52

inconsequential hiccup.

10:56

And it's completely

10:58

gone, as if someone had turned the lights

11:01

on. It's like I had a nice, dark,

11:04

calm meditation room. And

11:07

life is always just coming

11:09

in and flipping the lights

11:11

on, and it all goes to

11:14

shit. And it's so frustrating.

11:18

Yeah. It's

11:20

understandable, though. I mean, I think

11:23

it makes perfect sense, this thing that you

11:25

do, like performing

11:28

– and we're performing the least

11:30

on this podcast, but there

11:32

is an element of being

11:35

on, otherwise it would be a shit podcast. And so,

11:37

you know, it's a machine that you get going, and

11:47

it's a delicate thing. Like you get a

11:49

momentum, you get ready to go, and so

11:52

yeah, I

11:55

think that metaphor of like a runner,

11:57

like having to stop and then everything

11:59

that does to your muscles and makes

12:02

perfect sense. And also it's,

12:07

it is that ADHD, like

12:11

type that you are where like shifting

12:13

gears is hard. And all that happened

12:15

was that, you

12:17

know, I was remembering that

12:20

the, when we've done this in the

12:22

past, we get on the call

12:24

and then we get all situated and set up

12:26

and then we start. Yeah.

12:28

And, but probably we haven't done that every

12:30

time. So we just had a miscommunication on

12:32

like when the start time was. Yeah.

12:35

Yeah. Yeah. I totally, it's been a long time since

12:37

we've done one of these, but you know, the

12:39

point, the point still stands. And meaning I

12:43

just don't like feeling so delicate

12:47

and I do think there's sort of a couple

12:50

of things, one of them might be

12:52

an ADD, ADHD sort of flavoring. But

12:56

I also think there's like an interesting, I think

13:00

the performing

13:02

is just so, there's a

13:06

lot to unpack there. I

13:09

see having dinner with

13:11

friends that were not like incredibly naked

13:13

puke close with like, I'd be comfortable

13:15

naked in front of you. I'd be

13:17

comfortable puking in front of you. If

13:20

I'm not naked puke close

13:22

with you, you know,

13:26

when I go out to a party or

13:28

a dinner, I

13:30

think this is like a huge line

13:32

of demarcation between me and also sexually,

13:35

like sex can feel like a performance.

13:37

This podcast isn't casual for me. Doing

13:39

stand up isn't casual for me. And

13:42

I think there's something worth unpacking

13:44

or looking at for all of us

13:48

to be like, what's going on? Why do

13:50

you feel so slick? Yeah,

13:56

that makes sense. I

13:59

think they. answer might be

14:01

found in like why you

14:04

have the desire to perform in the first

14:06

place, which we've unpacked

14:08

before in the podcast, which is this like,

14:11

um, like even traumatic

14:15

wound of needing

14:18

your wondering if you exist

14:21

and then needing like

14:23

a undeniable, yes, you exist.

14:26

Yeah. Um, and so

14:28

if you're slipping into

14:31

this specific mode

14:33

that you developed to

14:36

tend to that wound, and

14:38

then there's, um, there's any,

14:41

cause the other thing is like, I, Amy

14:43

Schumer even said this on

14:45

the smart list podcast and I was

14:47

like, right, so that's just every comedian.

14:49

But she was like, she

14:51

was like, we, we, most of

14:54

us got into this because like we need

14:56

for one reason or another to control,

14:58

to be able to control the

15:00

real, like we need to

15:02

have the control. So when

15:05

you are sort of using that

15:08

in that mode, using that device and

15:10

then something out of

15:12

your control happens, like

15:14

an audience member is unruly or the

15:17

audience isn't doing what you want them

15:19

to do, or, you know, we're not

15:22

starting when you thought we

15:24

were going to start that it just,

15:27

it's, I think your

15:30

super power, like all of us is

15:32

closely tied to this wound. So

15:35

if it's not going,

15:37

if the device is not working the

15:40

way that it should, it

15:42

triggers that wound. Like

15:45

the fear is like, well, then the wound isn't going to

15:47

get its medicine. Right.

15:50

I mean, I think it's true for all

15:52

of us in every scenario and like, I

15:54

mean, in different ways, it's true for all

15:56

of us. Just so you just to eliminate

15:58

the shame of that. Yeah,

16:00

well that's why I don't want

16:02

this to just be the Pete Therapy podcast. I

16:05

hope it's universally applicable in

16:07

some way. But it does

16:09

take me back to the question I

16:12

would ask myself if I was my

16:14

own guest is what does it feel

16:16

like when you don't have control? And

16:19

this is exactly the issue.

16:22

I go right back to junior

16:24

high, which I

16:26

was going to say believe it or not, but I think everybody believes

16:28

it was

16:32

a rough patch

16:35

in my life. And

16:37

that's what it felt like when I was

16:39

letting other people control.

16:42

At school, kind of

16:44

feeling like a toady, feeling like a

16:46

sidekick to so many other

16:48

people. And then at home,

16:50

just be completely at the

16:52

whim of these two, you

16:56

know, well three to a certain extent, but like to

16:58

my family. And I was like, I have no control.

17:00

And then, you know, it's funny being

17:03

here in Chicago, because I was remembering.

17:06

And one of the reasons I always love coming here is because

17:10

Chicago has always been that place

17:13

that it like started. And

17:15

I don't mean my career. I mean

17:17

the feeling of like, I'll start in

17:20

my own city. Chicago,

17:23

the main thing about it for me, because I

17:25

didn't know much about it, was that it

17:27

was not Boston. It was not my father's city

17:30

or my mother's city or my brother's city. They

17:33

all seemed to know how to drive

17:35

on Star Road Drive and where to park

17:37

and the alternate side parking. And they knew

17:39

how to read, you know, street signs and

17:41

all that stuff. And I was

17:43

like, I can't, I've said this before, but I'm like,

17:45

I can't compete with that. And I

17:47

had this memory. It's a

17:49

very vivid memory. And I knew I

17:51

was going to move to Chicago. And

17:54

I had the 79 Bonneville, the Pontiac

17:56

Bonneville. My Uncle Larry gave it to

17:59

me. I was in

18:01

my Bonneville and I was listening to a

18:03

Frank Sinatra CD. Have I told you this?

18:06

I don't know. He had a...

18:11

I don't think so. Okay. He

18:14

had a song called

18:16

Chicago. I think it's a famous

18:18

song. And I would listen

18:20

to it, like listen to how

18:24

sort of darling this is and also

18:26

how sort of... It's not like bad

18:28

and sane, but it's like definitely obsessive.

18:30

I was like obsessing on

18:33

Chicago as being the

18:36

place where I would have keys to an

18:38

apartment and I would find my own little

18:41

spots and my own little restaurants and I

18:43

would learn the streets and I would learn

18:45

how to get around. And

18:47

I had... I was getting in the car with my brother

18:49

and this is back when, you

18:52

know, it's a CD. So I knew the CD

18:54

was going to resume when I turned the key

18:56

and the

18:58

music went to... And I knew it was on the

19:00

song Chicago. No. Because

19:02

of course it was. But Valerie, this

19:05

is so 22, the age 22. I remember thinking, oh

19:07

good, it's on the song Chicago. My

19:15

brother will hear it

19:17

and he'll know how like

19:20

single minded and focused

19:22

and thrilled I am to be going to Chicago. He'll

19:25

know that you're a Chicago guy now. I'm

19:27

a Chicago kind of guy, exactly. And

19:30

of course I started and I

19:32

started playing Chicago, Chicago, my Don Dela

19:35

Cruz or whatever he says. And

19:38

pretty good on that. And

19:41

my brother went obsessed with

19:43

Chicago, dude. And

19:47

yeah, I

19:49

was. In fact, Valerie, that's

19:51

what it was, was I was so thrilled

19:53

to have my

19:56

own obsession and

19:58

to go somewhere where... where no

20:01

one else, this is the feeling of getting your first

20:03

apartment. It's one of the reasons I got married so

20:06

young. I needed to do it, but I was

20:08

scared to do it alone, but I wanted

20:10

my own partner,

20:12

my own place, my own

20:14

job. Oh yeah. And

20:16

like, when I come

20:18

back here, I remember just how precious

20:21

and vital and young and

20:23

alive that feeling is. I really

20:26

remember that feeling. I try to

20:28

use that feeling as like a

20:30

touchstone to just, you

20:32

know, it's like how when you start anything,

20:35

when anything is new, it's so

20:38

exciting. It's the most exciting. And

20:40

then, you know, you start getting used to it and

20:44

it loses some of that magic. But

20:46

I used to feel that way

20:48

about grocery shopping for my own

20:50

house, about doing my

20:52

own laundry, you know,

20:54

like driving around running errands. The

20:57

first time I had my car and could

21:00

drive alone and had actual errands to run,

21:02

like I have to go to the bank

21:05

and I have to get these, you know, like I

21:08

just, I can

21:10

really remember being like 17

21:12

in my two-toned grade, oh,

21:15

Old Mobile, which was an 81, I think. Oh

21:19

wow. It was one or 83. Chevy

21:23

Malibu. No,

21:25

so it wasn't an Old Mobile. That

21:28

was my favorite car. It was a

21:30

Chevy. Old Mobile

21:32

meant an old mobile. Like

21:36

we had like a, you know, an 80's,

21:38

a real Old Mobile. It was

21:40

a real Old Mobile. My Old Mobile

21:42

was my brother's car. Sorry, I

21:44

misspoke. But

21:46

yeah, just driving around in that

21:48

car and like listening to the

21:51

music that I wanted, feeling just

21:53

that first like taste of independence

21:55

is so great. And I wanna

21:57

like, I do. believe

22:00

that running errands can feel that good

22:02

if I can just get back in

22:04

touch with the fact,

22:06

you know, the alone time of

22:09

it, the adultness of it. It's

22:11

like I'm really, I'm really doing

22:13

it. Well I'm experiencing that.

22:15

Oh go ahead. You are. You're

22:17

reliving that being in Chicago?

22:19

Well it's been a while since I've been

22:21

on the road and like you said the first

22:23

thing you said was how's that hotel and I'm

22:26

just like it is. One of

22:29

the keys obviously is gratitude

22:31

used to life but also just

22:33

kind of like small meaning

22:36

well that's exactly what gratitude is isn't it? Don't

22:38

take it for granted and when you haven't

22:41

been on the road in a while and

22:43

it's not just another hotel like the feeling

22:45

to me of just another hotel is

22:48

I always keep my hotel key in my back

22:50

right pocket and if I reach back

22:52

there and there's already a hotel key like I

22:54

have to take one out to put

22:57

the new one in. Oh my god yes.

23:00

That's the feeling of like another

23:02

hotel. Yeah. Now

23:06

I'm in the hotel and it's totally

23:08

it's a very just kind of normal

23:10

hotel and

23:13

I'm Dracula dead and loving it.

23:15

It's absolutely heaven and it's

23:18

like I forgot

23:22

but you know like I said I got up

23:24

and I went and got coffee and I brought

23:26

my Rupert book and I just

23:29

sitting in a city and having an espresso

23:31

an espresso. An

23:35

Italian espresso? Well

23:37

we talked about this when you

23:39

don't when you're not an aficionado of

23:41

almost anything I have

23:43

so much envy for whiskey

23:49

aficionados wine aficionado the

23:51

magazine but even like so

23:55

many things like to have a espresso

23:57

is the most fun thing I have in my life. to

23:59

kind of like taste and be like, oh, this is like

24:01

that one, or it's better than that one or it's fun.

24:04

Yeah. And it really makes you feel so good.

24:07

And I'm like, oh, I've been

24:09

home long enough with

24:11

you guys that getting away just

24:13

feels so good. I'm just kidding. No,

24:16

that seems right. But

24:18

I know, but I just caught how it

24:20

was sounding. It's exciting.

24:24

To have a change, a disruption, like a

24:26

change in routine. Yes. So

24:29

it's new again, because it hasn't happened

24:31

long enough. This is all the

24:33

donuts in the world. It's like anything. This

24:35

is why I feel really bad

24:38

for the Swinger community. People that

24:40

have orgies. They

24:43

deserve your pity. They deserve my

24:45

pity. But I'm saying like

24:47

people that have orgies kind

24:49

of on the regular, what

24:51

a loss. What

24:54

I'm saying is I

24:57

have an orgy of comedy that there's a

24:59

certain loss there, meaning like the first time

25:01

you do comedy is so fucking exciting and

25:03

crazy and your heart is jacked. And then

25:05

I've turned that into my all the donuts

25:07

in the world and I still like it,

25:09

but I don't do it constantly. And that's

25:11

one of the ways that I keep liking

25:13

it. But if you're like constantly having orgies,

25:16

what a shame. What a

25:18

shame that like seven asses in the

25:20

room just doesn't do it for

25:22

you anymore. Do you know what I mean? Yeah.

25:25

Anything can become all the donuts in the world.

25:28

Yeah, that's true. I well,

25:31

yeah, I have nothing to say about that. I

25:33

just fully 100% agree. I'm

25:35

always worried about getting

25:38

soft, like just stretching

25:40

out my hitting the

25:42

like dopamine button so

25:44

much that then I

25:47

would just require way

25:49

more thrill and excitement to

25:52

be happy. But I do

25:54

want to go back and do things if we can circle. Well, that's

25:56

brilliant. I just love what you said. Could talk about that

25:58

for nine hours. but let's go back to

26:01

what you want to go back to.

26:03

First of all, just to normalize the

26:05

control thing going way back to that.

26:10

I was walking Beau, our giant

26:12

dog, this morning. Our dog, Beau. Our

26:16

dark Beau. This is

26:18

my brother, Beau.

26:22

So, first of all, when we got this dog, the

26:24

lady said that he was leash trained. And

26:26

I'm sure her side of things is that

26:28

we didn't do

26:31

it right or something, but I feel like

26:33

we always have tried to

26:37

walk him on the leash properly, not

26:39

let him pull. And just at some

26:41

point he decided he's going to

26:43

pull the shit out of me when I walk. And he's

26:45

112 pounds. So, and

26:48

so am I. Just kidding. I'm like,

26:50

but you still have like a 70 pound anchor

26:52

on him. Oh

26:57

my God. Okay.

27:00

I like to say that I got a dog. That's my goal

27:02

weight. That's not

27:04

really my goal weight, but it's

27:06

close enough. So

27:09

anyway, I

27:12

stopped walking him and you've started being the

27:14

only person who walks in because you're big

27:16

enough to do it. And,

27:18

but you're out of town now. So I

27:21

gave him this walk, by the way,

27:23

like involuntarily. I let him get in

27:25

the car so that

27:28

he could drop Leela off at school with

27:30

me, which was adorable. And she loved it.

27:32

And we loved it. Then I parked and

27:34

got him off on the leash and

27:37

was taking him inside the house. And

27:39

he like protested and he's

27:41

just like, great Pyrenees can be like so

27:43

stubborn. He just like sits

27:45

down and is like, no, I am

27:48

not going that direction. Yeah. He

27:50

hunger strikes it. He does.

27:52

And then there's like nothing you can do. And

27:55

so, cause you can lift him,

27:57

but I definitely can't. So I, um, I

28:01

was like, all right, we'll go on a walk.

28:03

You need to walk anyway, that's fine. But I

28:05

was already doing this walk and

28:07

I didn't want to. And

28:09

so I tried to do just down

28:12

the street and then circle back and

28:14

he sat down and protested. And

28:17

then like I tried to go just down

28:19

to the next street and circle back and

28:21

he, like he's so smart. So I had

28:23

to do the full loop. And

28:28

he's just pulling the shit out of

28:31

me and not listening and like choking

28:33

himself. And I'm getting so mad. And

28:37

I remembered, I was like, all right, this

28:39

is a real shadow self. Where

28:42

when I am supposed to, I mean,

28:44

you know, everybody

28:47

has different opinions about how you are supposed to

28:49

be with your dogs, certainly with your child. Like

28:52

I'm just acknowledging this. I'm just gonna give

28:54

this shadow the full voice

28:57

and recognize it's a shadow

28:59

part and not have disclaimers.

29:01

But the

29:03

voice of this shadow is like, I'm

29:07

supposed to have the authority,

29:09

listen to me. And when I'm supposed

29:11

to have the authority and the

29:14

person or animal is just doesn't

29:16

give a shit, is

29:20

like laughing at me. That

29:23

is like a quick way to

29:25

get me livid. And

29:27

the way, and I'm really

29:29

embarrassed to say that

29:32

the feeling where I really, really felt

29:34

this in my life was when I

29:36

was a middle school teacher. That

29:39

was the, I was 90% of my experience

29:42

as a middle school teacher was being seething

29:45

furious that no

29:47

one respected me. No

29:50

one was listening to me. And that just means

29:52

that I didn't do my job right. Like,

29:55

you know, there are kids. I mean, there's a

29:58

show. Sure, it's both,

30:00

but like I also. Val, that's like

30:02

me. I'm gonna correct you and Val, you for a

30:05

second. That's like I told the

30:07

story many times about being in Vegas and

30:09

everybody was drunk and somebody heckled me and

30:11

I got really mad at them. And then

30:13

after the show, I was like,

30:15

why did I get so mad? And

30:17

what we always say, I was regulated after

30:20

the show. Right. A

30:22

middle school teacher is in fight flights.

30:24

This is the whole thing. We can't

30:27

say this enough. This whole podcast is

30:29

dedicated to, this

30:32

podcast should be called feelings are scary.

30:35

That's what it should be. Like with are

30:38

underlined. Because I

30:40

have an inexhaustible, as do you,

30:44

as I'm hearing in this moment,

30:46

need to validate our, and

30:48

I mean all the listeners, our shared experience

30:50

of like, no matter how well

30:52

meaning we are, and no

30:55

matter how much we effort to be

30:57

easy and calm and always

30:59

peaceful, even if you're

31:01

not trying to do that, sometimes junior high

31:03

kids, are you nuts? Yeah.

31:05

I couldn't handle one junior high kid, one junior high.

31:07

You had 12, 20? The

31:13

genius number? 33 kids, yeah.

31:17

Like per period. Yeah, it was. Yeah,

31:19

that's insane, Val. You can't say I should

31:21

have been doing my job better. By what?

31:24

I want youuno as balls for assembly. And.

31:28

I want you. And why not? As

31:30

shoes that are pretty cool? This one? When

31:32

it comes out this corner of the bar.

31:34

So it needs to be it's

31:36

weapons. You could be holding a you

31:52

know it's to a lesser degree than that

31:55

was for sure. But like this we're in

31:57

this real zone right now where. Or.

32:00

bedtime and for getting ready for school,

32:02

I have to ask her to do

32:04

things a billion times.

32:07

And I just want to be like, it's like a

32:10

brat. Like I want to be like, Hey, you're not

32:12

allowed to not listen to me. Yeah,

32:15

listen, but it really just shows

32:17

that you don't, of course, you can't control

32:19

another person. But it really

32:21

gets that's where I get like, I

32:24

get all of my

32:26

wounding is like, around

32:28

my voice, around

32:31

like, you know,

32:33

not being able to speak out, not

32:37

having a spot carved out for

32:39

me. So this is

32:41

new for me. I mean, I

32:44

know you, but I wouldn't have said

32:47

that about you. Because you're such a

32:49

hardcore, I believe you by the way.

32:51

You're hardcore mirror.

32:53

And you

32:55

are every your Valerie

32:59

is the person with five friends.

33:01

And each one thinks Valerie is

33:03

their best friend. And

33:06

you're the reason the group assembles. You're

33:08

the hub of the wheel. Everyone knows

33:10

I love that expression. But you are

33:12

and everybody has the understanding that you're

33:14

their favorite. But what I think is

33:16

interesting is as you're going into your

33:19

film director screenwriter,

33:22

next chapter of your life. A

33:25

lot of thoughts on that. One, I think it'll feel

33:27

really, really good. And two,

33:29

what's interesting is I think

33:31

it'll inform how

33:34

you are interpersonally once once you

33:37

get that assurance and get the

33:39

experience of like, no, I

33:41

can say what I want. And that's okay,

33:43

I'm going to take up space. And then

33:45

you'll have that battery sort of charge,

33:48

not to say how you're behaving interpersonally is wrong.

33:50

I'm just curious to know what it's going to

33:52

do to you in every

33:54

regard. I think you're right.

33:56

But I will say the

33:58

key difference. is that

34:00

in my friendships, I don't see myself

34:03

as the authority in any of my

34:05

relationships, other than the mother,

34:08

or the dog owner or the

34:10

teacher. Yeah. And even now, when I'm

34:12

teach the things that I teach now are mindfulness

34:14

and dance, I don't see myself as authority

34:17

figure in that. Even

34:20

directing, I'm like, I

34:25

am new to it, but I still

34:27

see that as like, you

34:30

guys are going to help me make my thing. Thank

34:33

you. Like, so it's not really

34:35

the boss. It is,

34:37

but it's like, that's

34:39

my little corner of this thing that

34:41

we're, we're all holding up together. There's

34:44

a big dog sitting down

34:46

equivalent of, you

34:49

know, I remember a scene that we

34:51

cut in HBO's Crashers, where

34:54

I just had more than

34:56

other scenes, because it was the

34:58

comedic device of the scene. It's

35:01

almost always this, by the

35:03

way, required the actor to

35:05

be brazenly confident. In

35:07

fact, I can think of several examples

35:10

where I can think of three without

35:12

any effort, three scenes in

35:15

Crashers. Always they

35:17

got cut because they were,

35:19

they hinged on the actor's

35:21

ability to become bright

35:25

white light, to show up and

35:27

to overtake the room almost

35:29

like Robin Williams, or you know what I

35:31

mean? Like, he's so big and so clear

35:34

and so confident, a little bit

35:36

like James Spader in The Office to just

35:38

like absolutely own the whole fucking thing. And

35:40

I think the actors that can do that

35:43

are Robin Williams and James Spader. I don't

35:45

know. I'm joking, but like, that

35:48

was Beau, the dog, sitting

35:50

down on the walk. And it would make

35:52

me very upset.

35:54

I would keep it to myself, but you you'll

36:00

figure out, oh no, it's

36:02

not, you're all here to help me with my

36:04

thing. You are, and thank

36:06

you, but I'm not getting

36:09

what I need. That's gonna be interesting.

36:12

Yeah, that'll be interesting when I

36:14

experience that. And yeah,

36:17

to see how I, one

36:19

thing I know that makes me mad, and each

36:23

time I get mad, there is a

36:25

little bit of a celebration, because I'm

36:27

so, my anger

36:29

is just so debilitated that

36:33

I just,

36:37

you know, it

36:40

feels like this, I'm

36:43

trying to think of the right example, it

36:45

feels like this pent-up thing that needs a

36:47

release, and then when I get it, and

36:50

it's understandable and okay, and it doesn't

36:52

make me do anything I regret, it

36:56

feels really good, it's mobilizing, I guess, and

36:58

I feel like I've been stuck for a

37:00

long time. So one thing that

37:02

I do know that makes me upset that

37:04

would come up, I'm sure, more

37:06

and more as a director, is

37:09

when somebody, especially

37:11

if they do it more than once, if

37:14

they ask me

37:16

or try to convince me of

37:18

something after I've already

37:20

made my mind up, I

37:23

get kind of pissed off, because.

37:26

Great, we're breaking into new

37:28

territory, what is that now?

37:31

It feels good, it's like I am so, I

37:35

am the most collaborative decision

37:38

maker. Like I want everybody's

37:40

opinion about what should

37:42

be done, but

37:44

then the second I make my

37:47

decision, it's done. And

37:49

what makes me upset, unless something changes,

37:52

obviously, it's like, okay, well, we decided

37:54

this, but now this is a factor,

37:56

so should we, that's, I'm not unreasonable,

37:58

but. what it makes

38:01

me feel is like if somebody is

38:03

like circling back on

38:05

something that I decided on, I

38:08

go, I want to say,

38:10

do you even know how much

38:12

thought I put into

38:15

that? Like, I didn't just make that

38:17

decision. I really like

38:19

respected that decision. Well, and

38:22

what about go ahead? Well, and

38:25

I also just, I'm like, it's hard enough

38:27

for me to say what I want. Don't

38:29

make me do it over and over

38:31

again. Right. Did you feel

38:33

that way? I'm trying to think of times in

38:35

my life where I challenged

38:39

or second guessed or asked us

38:41

to reconsider something, one of which

38:43

was moving to Ojai. And remember,

38:45

we were like, maybe we could

38:47

live in Topanga. Yeah, because I'm

38:50

a huge boy meets world guy.

38:52

And I was like, Topanga is kind of

38:54

like, it's a little bit like the country, it's

38:57

a little quiet, it's kind of kooky, it's kind

38:59

of crunchy. And like,

39:02

I, you know,

39:04

later apologized when we loved where

39:07

we moved to so much. And

39:09

you had to, was the feeling

39:12

you had to tolerate that little flare

39:14

up for me? And where you secretly

39:16

live? I remember that being hard for

39:18

me. Oh,

39:22

that could be true. Just

39:25

say it. That could be true. That

39:27

could be true. But I also remembered

39:29

the feeling of being like, I

39:32

am asking you, you're the one that's gonna

39:34

have to make the drive, which

39:36

is so funny, because, I mean, you

39:38

do make the drive more often than I do. But

39:40

I also make the drive because the drive turned

39:43

out to not be that big of a

39:45

deal. But you were panicking that the drive

39:47

was going to be

39:49

too much of a commute. And so

39:52

that sort of I don't, I

39:55

don't remember feeling angry. But I think

39:57

it was, it was hard for me. I

40:00

was a little heartbroken, but

40:03

I also was like, I'm

40:05

asking you to do a double

40:08

the amount of time drive from

40:11

Tampanga, so it's like worth

40:13

considering. And then I was

40:15

pretty relieved when we spent one day there

40:17

and we were like, no, it's not for

40:19

us. It's a wonderful place,

40:21

but. The nuance of

40:23

this is a huge nuance for

40:26

me, a huge nuance, that's a

40:28

oxymoron, I guess. But

40:32

I like people that can

40:34

bend their own rules. So

40:37

you have this rule where you wanna be like, do you

40:39

know how much thought I gave this? What

40:42

I'm saying is I don't think

40:44

we can shine enough of a light

40:46

on people that know that they're making

40:48

a concession to somebody, but do it

40:50

kind of cool. They do

40:52

it cool, they don't make a big deal

40:54

out of it. You never, as much

40:57

as I can enjoy a zesty, confrontational,

41:00

funny person, like

41:03

Joe DeRosa obviously comes to mind. Yeah.

41:07

The real partner,

41:10

romantic partner that I want is somebody that

41:12

can go, God, this is driving me

41:14

a little bit crazy. And honestly,

41:16

I do this too, we both do this, but

41:19

I'm going to play, whoa, can't we

41:21

just, even though

41:23

we talk about so many emotions on this

41:25

show, and we do address the

41:27

ones that feel like, sometimes in the moment

41:29

you can just go, I'm gonna let this

41:31

one slide, and

41:34

I don't think enough people do that. If

41:38

I'm being real, I don't think it, and you know what these

41:40

people are doing? In my experience, they're

41:42

losing, I'm not talking about Joe anymore, I'm just

41:45

saying people that can't let anything slide, and that

41:47

is not Joe, but people that

41:49

die on every hill and

41:51

have to voice everything. And

41:54

I might seem like one of those people, but

41:56

there are so many times that things come up, and

41:58

that makes me think of a weird, weird topic or

42:00

a certain, and you just let it go, or

42:03

you disagree strongly, and just let it

42:05

go, because the meal is more important

42:07

than this. And it's like, the people

42:10

that can't not fight every moment, not

42:12

for me, not a fan. Yeah,

42:15

no, me either. You

42:18

know, it is a fine line to walk because

42:20

I do think, who

42:23

was I, I was talking to a friend and

42:25

they were talking about fighting

42:27

with their partner. And I was saying, you

42:30

know, Pete and I, we're more

42:32

on the side of like, we have

42:34

to make sure that we're not suppressing

42:36

or repressing feelings for the sake

42:38

of not wanting to hurt the other person. So

42:42

like, but it is a fine line. I

42:44

think that there is some, to some

42:46

degree, to the degree that we do

42:48

it, I do think it's helpful. It's

42:50

like, my therapist would say, do you

42:52

wanna be close or do you wanna

42:54

be right? And like,

42:57

that's the thing. That's

42:59

exactly what I'm saying. And like,

43:01

to use that example, and you have

43:03

done this for me a thousand times,

43:07

but to use the Topanga example, it's like,

43:10

also considering your partner's side of

43:12

things in real time. And anger

43:14

doesn't really do that. That's why

43:16

I have a hard time getting

43:19

angry is because I can almost always

43:21

see all sides of things. But

43:24

sometimes you do, you know, there

43:27

is an appropriate place for

43:29

anger and you do need

43:31

to allow it, its

43:33

voice. But I don't think you need to

43:36

allow it, its voice all the time to

43:38

your partner. Yeah. If

43:41

you're angry, like, that's the thing is I

43:43

can go, this

43:45

is a feeling I can 100% manage

43:48

within my own system. And,

43:51

you know, I can indicate

43:53

to you, like I'm working

43:56

through something about this, but

43:58

like, I don't... have to

44:00

direct these things and say

44:03

these things that then trigger

44:05

you and then you're triggering me and then we're

44:07

and then like nothing is getting done. Well

44:10

it reminds me you know when I was a

44:12

teenager I can't believe I was 17 years

44:15

old when I went to the Yanamami Indians.

44:19

But in the also called

44:21

the Yanamamo tribe

44:24

they have such a this is a crazy

44:26

thing to say but they have a rich

44:28

history of revenge where

44:32

every village is

44:35

getting not every village because certainly not

44:37

the one we were in I don't think but

44:40

in a traditional setup every village

44:43

is waiting on

44:45

or actively acting out or

44:47

anticipating an act of

44:50

vengeance and it goes

44:52

so far back it's part of their

44:54

culture meaning there was maybe

44:56

this is like their doctrine of original

44:58

sin there was an original offense

45:02

but it was so many hundreds of

45:04

years ago that all that's happening is

45:07

they're passing back and forth it's

45:09

your turn to get revenge so

45:11

that you'd be like extracting revenge

45:13

and then you'd have something to

45:15

extract revenge on and then then

45:17

have something to extract revenge on

45:19

and I was like what a

45:21

powerful metaphor for a

45:23

danger in so many relationships.

45:26

There are things this

45:28

week that each of us

45:31

has done that has caused the other to

45:33

maybe be like yeah I'm sure I'm sure

45:35

if we stopped and tried to unpack but

45:37

like I don't want to

45:39

be in the Yanamami and I also don't

45:42

want to be in the I

45:44

don't know the tribe that never gets

45:47

some weapons and and goes to

45:49

defend what's important to them emotionally

45:51

speaking but knowing the difference between

45:53

those two games it can be

45:55

tricky can be trificult. Yeah

45:57

that's right. I

46:00

think that it I and

46:03

I felt this in a relationship before

46:05

and I don't I

46:07

really think I am telling the truth when I

46:09

say I don't recall ever feeling

46:11

this way in our relationship

46:14

maybe in the smallest ways

46:16

when we get sort of in that zone

46:19

where you've been touring a lot and I've

46:21

been home with Leela and we both sort of

46:23

feel like we're working really hard and we need

46:26

the other one to appreciate it. Yeah

46:28

we both want the

46:30

same thing. Yeah exactly. We

46:33

want someone to say wow it's

46:35

what you're doing is so hard. That's

46:37

right. And then when you're waiting for someone

46:39

to say that to you and then they

46:42

say that about themselves that's that's a special

46:44

kind of. Frustrating or.

46:46

Yeah. Exactly that's exactly

46:48

my point is like when you feel like

46:50

you're working at a deficit being

46:53

the first one to reach

46:55

out and give anything feels

46:58

really hard and you have

47:01

to know that it's

47:03

going to get reciprocated. I mean sometimes you

47:05

even have to ask like there have been

47:07

times where we've had some

47:09

version of like you know

47:11

me being like

47:14

thank you so much for going out and

47:16

touring and bringing that money back

47:18

for the family and then

47:20

if you don't you usually

47:22

almost always do but if you don't then

47:24

say like thank you for staying home and

47:27

whatever I'll be like. Just thinking about

47:29

this. Yeah and I'll

47:31

just say like and I kind of feel like

47:33

I want to be thanked too for my part

47:35

in it or something. Oh yeah or

47:38

I will I've done that too where I go I'll

47:41

probably make a joke and be like this would

47:43

be where you might say something like you know

47:45

like yeah yeah. Like Bill Morratt new

47:47

rule. But there are people who live and

47:49

again I've been in a relationship like this

47:51

where the deficits are

47:54

just building and building and building

47:57

for years like it is each

47:59

person and feels like they have a

48:02

cavern of deficit. And

48:07

that that's their whole association with

48:09

that person. And it

48:12

gets to a point where it's like, it

48:14

is unbearable. Are you kidding me? I'm going

48:16

to offer support

48:18

to this person when

48:22

he is so backlogged

48:24

in the support he needs to

48:26

offer me. Like it

48:29

just feels like paralyzing. So

48:32

I think that's the

48:34

thing is like dealing with these little

48:36

deficits as they're coming and knowing that,

48:39

because I felt that in my first marriage where it

48:42

got to a point where I was like, oh,

48:45

like if I could even get

48:47

myself to reach out first, I

48:51

am not certain that

48:54

it will be reciprocated in

48:56

any way. And then

48:58

that's really hard to deal with. What I've

49:00

always felt in our relationship is even if

49:02

there are these little deficits, I

49:04

can reach out first because I know

49:08

that it will be reciprocated. Like

49:11

you are also giving me what I need

49:13

all the time. This is

49:15

one, and we'll go to the break after

49:17

this brilliant point, but I

49:20

can't fully articulate this, but I do

49:22

think here's our weekly mention

49:24

of artificial intelligence. If

49:27

and when AI gets to the

49:29

point where it can create, let's

49:31

say video, like a Zoom call

49:33

like this, where it is, let's

49:37

say a world leader, and

49:40

they wanna, here's what I'll say.

49:42

Let's say I don't wanna

49:45

pick a specific conflict, but there's

49:47

a conflict between Ireland and Scotland.

49:49

Let's just say if AI

49:52

can Zoom the prime minister

49:57

of Ireland. I

50:00

have no guess. The

50:02

president? It's out. It's

50:07

gotta be. This is literally the first,

50:10

this is the first time in my life

50:12

I think that I've considered that Ireland

50:14

has any sort of government. Oh my

50:17

god, while we're talking about AI we should

50:19

get it. Well it used to be...

50:22

Wait for one second, Bill. Uh,

50:27

connection failed. It

50:30

used to be the Queen. You know, it

50:32

was like... Does Ireland have a president?

50:37

Yes, Ireland has a president. The president

50:40

of Ireland is the head of state while the

50:42

head of government is the Taoist each. The

50:45

role of the president... Okay, that's enough. Uh, so

50:47

yeah, the president should have... That's the main feature

50:49

of AI, is you can just be like, oh

50:51

okay, shut up. We

50:54

watched that video of that guy talking to the

50:57

AI. Val,

51:00

I'll never forget, because he said, he

51:02

was this guy, and he said, what

51:05

do you see? And AI

51:07

described him. Yeah. And Val,

51:10

we laughed so hard. We used some

51:12

words that we won't reproduce here, but

51:15

we were like, imagine if it said

51:17

something as brutal as this. And

51:20

boy, that made me die. But

51:23

also, yes, oh yeah, go ahead.

51:26

I was remembering another time, like what

51:28

we laughed about at that video was

51:30

that he did that, he like interrupted,

51:32

like the AI was answering a question,

51:34

and he was like, I also see

51:36

any relationship, like puts it down, or like

51:38

turns it off. That's always going to be

51:40

the issue. AI is not wondering what to

51:42

say next. It's only being programmed to stop

51:44

talking. It could talk for infinity. And the

51:47

joke we had was when it said, what

51:49

do you see? And it's like, a big

51:51

dork. It's like, no. But

51:56

I think one of the things that AI

51:58

is going to find really, absurd

52:01

and in a very Vulcan way, deeply

52:04

illogical, is that human

52:06

beings have these respect quotients

52:08

like we're talking about. The dynamic that

52:10

we're talking about in our relationship is

52:13

a respect quotient. Even at

52:16

the beginning of the conversation, when

52:18

I was so, I feel so

52:20

wonderful now, but I was so on tilt

52:23

from getting a false

52:25

start, what made that

52:27

go away was you

52:29

honoring, respecting, and acknowledging.

52:31

These are all just

52:35

words. So once AI words

52:37

and pauses and looks and

52:39

all this stuff, so once

52:41

AI figures out the value

52:44

of emotional currency, which is

52:46

completely free, it costs nothing

52:48

to do, we just

52:50

have blocks in us that stop us,

52:52

like a feeling of dignity or, you

52:54

know, like I

52:56

won't bend, I won't break. So

52:59

I have this vision in my mind

53:01

of all conflicts being

53:03

solved with the following formula.

53:06

Here's the result. We want Ireland and Scotland

53:08

to, this is

53:11

a made up example, to get

53:13

along and to split the

53:16

chocolate sundae that they found. Once

53:20

AI knows that the result is end

53:23

of conflict and splitting of chocolate sundae,

53:26

it can parent trap both sides.

53:28

In fact, I think that's what

53:30

AI will do best of

53:33

all, is moving away

53:35

from the goal in the

53:37

most illogical, nonsensical, confusing way

53:40

with the intent to confuse both sides,

53:42

but you do it one at a

53:44

time. So the fake president of Ireland,

53:47

which is an AI, calls the real

53:49

president of Scotland, and does

53:51

a complete and utter perfect

53:54

performance of what that thing

53:56

needs to hear. Because

53:58

he cares. When it

54:00

doesn't, a fake president of Scotland

54:02

calls the real, and you parent trap. I

54:05

really think this is going to be part

54:07

of our future. I think it's

54:09

going to be this sort of

54:11

AI, not espionage, that's just such a

54:13

fun word, I wish it was espionage,

54:15

but like an AI, you

54:18

want me to solve this problem? Yes. Can

54:20

I do anything as long as it's

54:22

nonviolent to do it? Yes. And

54:25

that's why we call fake Zooms, where both

54:27

sides think about it,

54:29

hear what they need to hear. AI

54:32

dispassionately will recognize the absurdity

54:35

and the availability of words

54:37

and moments and honoring and

54:39

respect, and will just completely

54:41

hack the respect system to

54:44

get the outcome. We won't do it because

54:46

we go, I can't bend or break. And

54:49

it'll be lies, it'll be somewhat true.

54:54

Well, of course it'll be a lie, it'll be

54:56

pretending to be someone else. But I think in

54:58

the future we might see all

55:01

types of issues being

55:03

involved. Interpersonally, a therapy, who knows?

55:06

That it might just be like, well, here's what everyone

55:08

needs, I'll do it. Because human

55:10

beings, even when they know they

55:12

should, won't. We're stubborn, we're

55:14

both sitting down and protesting.

55:18

And what's more, it's so

55:20

illogical. Well,

55:22

think about with my dad, if I

55:24

called my dad and said this, this,

55:26

and this, but my pride will stop

55:28

me, it wouldn't understand that. So it

55:30

would go, well, you want this, you

55:32

want a better, closer relationship with your

55:35

father. The road to that might

55:37

be so fraught with bullshit

55:39

that a human being wouldn't do it.

55:41

But the AI could do this negotiating

55:44

and then just let us out in the land

55:46

of plenty. Like the parents trap.

55:48

People parents trap us. Hot

55:51

theory, you heard it here. Hot theory,

55:53

yeah. It's funny because that is the

55:55

FON response.

55:58

Like it'll use the FON response. That's

56:01

what we've been doing. That's why I think that's what

56:03

AI is going to do. It'll do what I do

56:05

even better, but with a fake face. I

56:08

mean, it's possible. But

56:10

that's why I also don't really worry about

56:14

the violence and the war

56:16

of AI, like the overtaking.

56:19

I really think that is such

56:21

an animal, primal,

56:25

uniquely mammalian.

56:29

I mean, not specific to mammals, but that

56:32

is a uniquely animal instinct

56:34

to dominate, to use

56:36

violence. And humiliate, and to

56:38

take respect. What do you get? What

56:41

are the anamami that take the vengeance?

56:43

They get that feeling. Yeah.

56:46

An AI would never be like, you know,

56:49

I'm just craving dominance today.

56:52

That's our Achilles heel. And

56:54

in that case, when I think about it

56:57

that way, this is the first

56:59

time I feel like relieved at the thought

57:01

that it can evolve past humans. Because

57:04

if it couldn't, it's like, well,

57:06

humans programmed it. And that

57:08

is scary. But if you're like,

57:10

yeah, but it evolves past humans,

57:12

then it'll see how irrelevant our

57:15

bullshit is. When I have

57:17

this debate with people in real life, they always

57:19

go, but humans will be using it. And then

57:22

I'm like, yeah, but it'll get to a point

57:24

where it's not going to allow just

57:26

some dingus who logged in to

57:29

just tell it to whatever. I

57:31

don't know. And then I do

57:33

acknowledge and respect the

57:36

frightening, and by that,

57:38

I mean unknown component of this. But

57:40

for sure. When it doesn't

57:43

want land power, respect, sex, food,

57:46

water, you know,

57:48

then why? I

57:50

think we're being silly

57:53

when we think it's going to be evil in the

57:55

ways that we're evil. I like to think of the

57:57

cocoon butterfly thing. We're building this

57:59

cocoon. and we don't know what's going on,

58:01

but the butterfly is, you know,

58:04

in this simple, it's

58:06

better than the caterpillar. It's beautiful, it's flying,

58:08

and it's not a

58:11

locust, it's a butterfly. Anyway, all right,

58:13

let's go to the, the mids,

58:15

we'll be right back, everybody. Isn't

58:17

this fun? Before we go to the

58:19

rest, isn't this fun? It's so fun, every week, there's

58:22

a transformation of

58:26

feeling, and you're so good at it,

58:28

Val. Okay, okay, mid-rolls. If there is

58:30

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58:32

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All right everybody, bike of

1:02:17

the road. And we're back. And

1:02:20

we're back. You

1:02:25

had two things that you were circling back to.

1:02:27

I know, and I was trying

1:02:29

to remember what that last one was.

1:02:32

I think it was more in the

1:02:34

vein of feeling, not feeling when

1:02:37

things are new. And

1:02:39

yeah, I don't know if the answer is to somehow

1:02:45

try to keep, you know, because first

1:02:47

of all, so

1:02:50

I'm really in full prep mode

1:02:52

to shoot my short film. And

1:02:55

every single email I get, I'm

1:02:57

like thrilled about it. Oh,

1:03:00

this is what it was. Is like, I

1:03:03

am having my version over here

1:03:05

at home of what

1:03:07

you're experiencing over there where it has

1:03:10

been a while since you've toured.

1:03:13

And, you know, it's not

1:03:15

my preference to be a home

1:03:17

alone, but I can

1:03:20

slip into every once in a while,

1:03:22

I'm not in full control over it,

1:03:24

but when I can slip into independent

1:03:28

alone valve mode, it

1:03:30

feels really good. And

1:03:32

yesterday, it felt like college. Like

1:03:34

I went to a coffee shop

1:03:37

and was on my laptop from nine

1:03:39

to till 1.30. I

1:03:44

was like all day

1:03:46

sitting in the same table, just ordering

1:03:49

different things and like

1:03:51

working and getting work done and it

1:03:53

felt so good. And then

1:03:56

I also remembered, you know, then I picked

1:03:58

up Leela and took care of you. of

1:04:00

her and the dog and everything. But then

1:04:02

like after she went to bed, I

1:04:06

was watching Bridgerton and was still

1:04:08

working on stuff. Like so

1:04:10

I had my, I did, I did, it was such

1:04:12

a, it

1:04:14

was such a single on Sex

1:04:17

and the City. They had, it's called SSB, your

1:04:19

secret single behavior. And

1:04:22

it was like just one of those nights. I was like,

1:04:24

it was like stuff that I never do

1:04:26

with you. So like you're, you really rightfully

1:04:29

so hate like a

1:04:31

two screen thing. But

1:04:33

I like had my little blanket,

1:04:35

had my laptop, was watching Bridgerton

1:04:38

and on my laptop. And

1:04:41

like, I like- That's where I'm keeping

1:04:43

you from? Yeah, and I

1:04:45

was, I was remembering that I, you're

1:04:47

also always the one that like, again,

1:04:50

it's so important and I need you for this.

1:04:53

But it's like, all right, it's time for us to go

1:04:55

to bed. That

1:04:57

sounds bad. Yeah, that sounds crazy.

1:05:00

I say, I'm going to bed. Yeah,

1:05:02

you say like, what do you think? Is it time for

1:05:05

bed? And then- I don't even say I'm

1:05:07

going to bed. That sounds too confrontational.

1:05:09

I just go, it's bedtime, yeah.

1:05:12

Yeah, and then I'm like, well, if you're

1:05:14

gonna ask me, then, and

1:05:16

you're going to bed, like, yeah, I should

1:05:18

probably go to bed. But when you're not

1:05:20

here, I remember that I

1:05:23

love staying up and it's this

1:05:26

feeling of being like, shit,

1:05:28

I'm going to regret this tomorrow.

1:05:31

It feels good. Like, it feels kind of- It's

1:05:33

like drinking. Yeah, it feels like

1:05:35

dangerous. And so like, I stayed

1:05:38

up until like 11 30. I

1:05:40

was just like, stop, you gotta go

1:05:43

to bed, you're bad. And

1:05:45

I'm like, eating crackers, like spreading

1:05:48

cream cheese on a cracker and

1:05:52

shaking everything, you know,

1:05:54

everything, seeds or whatever you call it,

1:05:57

seasoning on it. And like one dollop

1:05:59

of- Sriracha is eating

1:06:01

that. I

1:06:04

am obsessed with you. That is

1:06:06

so fun. Just chasing the dragon

1:06:09

of Sriracha in like, what is

1:06:11

it? Endorphins. You

1:06:13

get that rush of it. Yeah. Yeah.

1:06:16

And you're like, I can't go to bed.

1:06:18

I'm eating Sriracha and watching Bridgerton. Like

1:06:20

things are spicy. Oh

1:06:22

my God. That's a

1:06:24

great t-shirt. I can't go to bed. I'm eating

1:06:26

Sriracha and watching Bridgerton. And

1:06:29

then they're like, the back says this

1:06:31

shit's spicy. Oh my

1:06:34

God. Yeah. So

1:06:37

I just was like in such a zone.

1:06:39

And even this, you know, today I'm like,

1:06:41

I'm wheeling and dealing

1:06:44

and doing my thing. It's,

1:06:46

I think having this project

1:06:49

is just, it's bringing up so

1:06:52

much in such a good way. Like

1:06:54

it is, it's like allowing my anger.

1:06:56

It's life force. Yeah. It's funny

1:06:59

because when I'm on the road and

1:07:01

doing shows, that's when I get my

1:07:03

Bridgerton and Sriracha time to be like,

1:07:06

to hell with everything. I, I'm, you

1:07:09

know, I can't sleep after shows. I'll be up late

1:07:11

and everything will get fucking flipped.

1:07:13

And then we've said this on the show a

1:07:15

bunch. It's like disruption is such

1:07:18

a key to life. It's

1:07:20

a huge key to life. And

1:07:22

I also wanted to mention

1:07:25

that my depression, I think

1:07:27

has officially gone. I'm going to say

1:07:30

it has. It's been several,

1:07:32

several days. The Ewok has

1:07:35

accepted his hug and, and hit

1:07:37

the bricks. And it's

1:07:40

so interesting now. He walked away, Diddy.

1:07:43

Oh my. He walked away. He

1:07:45

walked away, Diddy. He walked away, Diddy. Very

1:07:48

good, Valerie. Very good. Sorry

1:07:51

to interrupt. I think it was worth

1:07:53

it. It was worth every moment. But

1:07:56

now I'm just realizing like, oh, and this is

1:07:58

the way of things. And now. Now we're

1:08:00

gonna have episodes of this

1:08:02

where I'm gonna, like when I was

1:08:04

down, I wrote a letter

1:08:07

to myself because

1:08:09

I've been trying to write this movie. Everybody knows I've been

1:08:11

writing this movie. This is my get out, it's taking me

1:08:13

10 years. And I've been working

1:08:15

on it. And I wrote myself a letter and it

1:08:18

was like, from the perspective

1:08:20

of me and the movie's been out

1:08:23

for a week and it

1:08:25

was huge and everybody loved it and I'm

1:08:27

just telling myself, like, you gotta

1:08:29

go for it. You have to trust me, it's

1:08:31

worth it. There's life here

1:08:33

and joy and there were

1:08:36

specifics in there like, there's a blooper reel.

1:08:38

We wouldn't stop laughing on set. It was

1:08:40

such a delight and all this stuff. But

1:08:42

what's funny is, when I wrote it and

1:08:44

my e-walk was there, I didn't believe it

1:08:46

at all. I couldn't even really

1:08:48

do it. Meaning,

1:08:51

I couldn't will myself out of

1:08:53

it. Even by

1:08:55

doing exercises like, I'm gonna write myself

1:08:57

a letter or I was doing gratitude

1:09:00

practice the whole time. Sometimes,

1:09:02

and there's a great humility to this,

1:09:05

it's just waiting for it to go.

1:09:08

Waiting for Beau to stand back up. And

1:09:11

just working on accepting it. That's

1:09:14

where you get into toxic

1:09:16

positivity and why I sort

1:09:18

of rub up against things

1:09:20

being just like, just as long as

1:09:22

you, there's almost

1:09:24

like a mania to, and there's

1:09:28

so many benefits to Tony Robbins

1:09:30

and motivational people like that. I

1:09:32

don't think that, I'm glad that

1:09:34

they are presenting

1:09:37

their message. I

1:09:40

think it gets problematic when it's presented

1:09:42

as the whole story. I think that's

1:09:44

like one mode,

1:09:46

one tool that's valuable.

1:09:50

I completely agree. I don't

1:09:52

wanna turn my back on Toreau either. He's

1:09:54

taught me 45 things

1:09:57

that I use every day that

1:09:59

have changed. changed my life for the

1:10:01

better, so I'm a fan. And

1:10:04

I think we've talked about this before, but

1:10:07

the session that I listened to that I was like,

1:10:10

I'm not gonna say I'm out, but it was the one

1:10:12

where he was like, I wanna be on

1:10:14

an airplane with Gorbachev so I can ask him how

1:10:16

he ended the Cold War, but I

1:10:18

also have to be in Fiji to shoot my infomercial,

1:10:21

and I really wanna be at this event

1:10:23

that President Bush is holding so I can

1:10:26

network. And I was like, yeah. And

1:10:31

it was a two hour talk on how he

1:10:33

was gonna do each of those things and how

1:10:35

important it was. And I was like, when I

1:10:38

read the chapter, I

1:10:40

was gonna read some of it, but we don't have

1:10:42

to, but the chapter on the present moment and

1:10:45

the eternal now and surrender. There's

1:10:49

no surrender in Tony. That's

1:10:52

the whole thing. It's like, if

1:10:54

you're feeling, I remember he said this once,

1:10:56

he goes, me and my wife have decided

1:10:58

that you can only have a negative emotion

1:11:00

for 30 seconds. Life is

1:11:02

too short. Life

1:11:05

is too short. Look at your face right

1:11:07

now. Because life is too short to waste

1:11:09

it dwelling and stressing

1:11:11

out and feeling bad. So if something bad

1:11:13

happens, we allow ourselves 30 seconds. And

1:11:17

then I was like,

1:11:19

oh, this will never be me. That

1:11:21

will never be me. First

1:11:24

of all, scientifically, yeah,

1:11:27

I've used this before, but scientifically

1:11:29

they studied somehow the

1:11:34

length of an emotion, like

1:11:36

if it lives in the body without the

1:11:38

brain. And that's 90 seconds.

1:11:41

So it's not even, it's not

1:11:44

even giving the body the right, but

1:11:46

even that it's like, this is where- It might've been

1:11:48

three minutes. They might've been like, you get three minutes, but

1:11:50

it was a preposterously short amount of time. Right,

1:11:52

and it's definitely, you

1:11:55

know, sure. I think

1:11:57

that's a device that I am certain

1:11:59

there is. There are people who are

1:12:01

living very difficult lives,

1:12:03

like I'm thinking of like

1:12:06

single mothers who are

1:12:08

in poverty or, you know, like

1:12:11

where that might be needed sometimes to

1:12:13

just be like, nope, we cannot dwell

1:12:15

on this. We must move forward. But

1:12:18

I certainly for

1:12:21

him, and I think

1:12:23

for most people, that

1:12:25

really is that image

1:12:27

of our thinking minds

1:12:30

like dragging the

1:12:32

body down the

1:12:34

street, just being like, get over

1:12:36

it. Yeah, yeah. And just

1:12:39

no good comes from that. That

1:12:41

feeling will live in your body until

1:12:43

it has been

1:12:45

felt to completion. And

1:12:48

that's right. The mind doesn't get to

1:12:50

dictate when that's done. But

1:12:53

it's also the way that

1:12:55

Tony Robbins and Rupert Spira

1:12:57

are diametrically opposed, really

1:12:59

fun to say, but you could just

1:13:01

say opposed or opposites is

1:13:04

that Tony is the

1:13:07

champion of happiness does exist

1:13:09

in objective experience, in what

1:13:11

we call reality in doing

1:13:13

stuff, experiencing stuff. So

1:13:16

when I heard him really being like,

1:13:18

if I can be on that plane with Gorbachev, every

1:13:20

time he said it and ask him how he ended

1:13:22

the Cold War, I was like, what

1:13:25

is this? Do you like guacamole?

1:13:27

It reminds me of stepbrothers. I

1:13:29

was like, yeah, it's sweet, I

1:13:31

suppose. And there are certain things

1:13:33

like when I met Rupert Spira that really light

1:13:35

me up and all that. But

1:13:37

when when I was

1:13:39

reading this morning, you

1:13:42

know, and we get this from Eckhart Tolle, we get

1:13:44

this from other teachers, Richard Rohr. But

1:13:46

if somebody eloquently and

1:13:49

elegantly can help

1:13:51

you recognize that you've never

1:13:53

experienced the past or the future, that those

1:13:55

things are always experienced in the now. I'm

1:13:57

not even trying to do it, but he's

1:13:59

like. that now is it.

1:14:03

It's just now and it's all

1:14:05

right here right now. You

1:14:08

become a lot less beholden to

1:14:11

being on a plane with Gorbachev and

1:14:13

asking him how he ended the Cold War. And

1:14:15

when I hear that, I recognize

1:14:18

the absurdity of like, I'll be

1:14:20

happy once I get off this plane or I'll

1:14:22

be happy. Like I'm in Chicago, I'm

1:14:24

a little nervous about the shows. Oh, I'll be

1:14:26

happy when the shows are over. It's like fucking

1:14:29

stop. It's all Gorbachev on a plane. Drop

1:14:31

it, drop it, drop it and settle

1:14:33

into your birthright and

1:14:36

your inheritance, which is an intimate

1:14:38

snuggle with the present moment,

1:14:41

which isn't really assisted by being on a plane with

1:14:43

Gorbachev and asking how he ended the Cold War. Just

1:14:46

Google it. I

1:14:51

obviously agree with that. And

1:14:56

I also kind of see it as

1:14:59

both. Like I think that there is,

1:15:03

that we are meant to experience

1:15:06

happiness in

1:15:09

this reality and through, you know, we

1:15:11

had like that perfect Disneyland day that

1:15:13

comes to mind. I

1:15:16

think this is where like it's, you know,

1:15:18

more of a Buddhist idea of like, there

1:15:22

is happiness in this reality,

1:15:24

but it's impermanent.

1:15:27

It's just like everything. So

1:15:30

really where the equanimity comes in

1:15:36

is just holding it all incredibly

1:15:38

loosely, which doesn't mean not

1:15:40

feeling it. It's like, enjoy that while

1:15:42

it's here and then let it go

1:15:44

because it's going, you know. Right. That's

1:15:48

in Richard Roy's language from the

1:15:50

Franciscan tradition. He's like, God would

1:15:52

not, like God

1:15:55

wants that for you, even

1:15:57

if it's not ultimate reality. It's like, it's

1:15:59

okay. Okay, have an ice cream cone. That

1:16:01

was the best ice cream. Salton Strata

1:16:03

is the best vegan ice cream I've

1:16:06

ever had in my life. Can I read a little

1:16:08

bit of this page? It's one page and

1:16:10

see if it's a nice way for us to end,

1:16:12

sort of like a poem. This

1:16:15

is from Rupert's book, The Nature of Consciousness. I

1:16:18

highly recommend it. It's

1:16:20

what I've been reading every morning for

1:16:23

a long time. It's a good, long book.

1:16:26

But this is called The Memory of Our Eternity. It's chapter

1:16:28

16. Is this good?

1:16:32

I wanna make sure I'm not

1:16:34

Rupert splaining and jumping in. This

1:16:36

was just so meaningful to me

1:16:39

this morning. So

1:16:41

let's see if you guys enjoy it. We

1:16:44

normally believe that experience takes place

1:16:46

in time and now is the name

1:16:48

we give to the moment in time

1:16:51

at which experience occurs. Time

1:16:53

is, as such, considered to be

1:16:56

a line extending indefinitely into a

1:16:58

past and a future. And

1:17:00

the now is considered to be a point

1:17:03

that is slowly moving along that line. Just

1:17:06

when I read stuff like that, I'm like, thank

1:17:09

you. Can we fucking talk

1:17:11

about this? Like we

1:17:13

think of time as this line past

1:17:15

future and the now is like

1:17:17

the scale of the doctor and it's getting slid, if you're

1:17:20

me, further

1:17:22

and further to the right. Back

1:17:27

to the book. For instance, we believe

1:17:29

that breakfast tomorrow will exist at some

1:17:31

time in the future and that we

1:17:33

are slowly moving along a line of

1:17:35

time towards that event. Likewise,

1:17:38

we think that breakfast yesterday took place

1:17:40

at a moment in the past that

1:17:42

is separated from the now by an

1:17:45

ever increasing duration of time. If

1:17:47

we go back even further, we believe that there

1:17:49

was a moment in the distant past at which

1:17:51

we were born and that we

1:17:53

are progressing along this everlasting line of

1:17:55

time towards a moment in the future

1:17:58

when we will disappear or die. Let

1:18:01

us object this model to the

1:18:03

scrutiny of experience because almost everything

1:18:05

we think and feel and subsequently

1:18:07

almost all our activities and relationships

1:18:09

are predicated upon this model of

1:18:11

time. Let us first think

1:18:14

of an event that happened in the past. Although

1:18:16

that thought is a thought of the

1:18:19

past, nevertheless it takes place

1:18:21

now in the present. So

1:18:24

instead of thinking about the past,

1:18:26

try now to actually experience it.

1:18:29

Your mind kind of rejects that. You're like, well,

1:18:31

I know I can't. But

1:18:33

there is value in going like, try

1:18:36

to experience your coffee this morning

1:18:39

just to fail. The point

1:18:42

is the failing, is you go like, I'm

1:18:44

going to go to that coffee.

1:18:49

And you can't. And that is

1:18:51

meaningful. In order to do so,

1:18:53

we have to take a step out of the

1:18:55

now and actually visit the place called the past.

1:18:58

Try to actually go to the time

1:19:00

at which breakfast yesterday took place. Not

1:19:03

the thought or the image of it. Those

1:19:05

both take place now, but the actual

1:19:07

experience of it. Now

1:19:10

think of a time in the future when breakfast tomorrow

1:19:12

will take place. That thought

1:19:15

takes place now, but try to

1:19:17

actually experience that time. In

1:19:20

order to do so, we have to leave the now

1:19:22

and visit this place in the future. See

1:19:25

in this way, not just philosophically,

1:19:27

but experientially, that these two times,

1:19:30

the past and the future are

1:19:32

never actually experienced. That's it. Your

1:19:35

brain will reject that. But I did it. It's

1:19:40

only ever done in the now. It's

1:19:42

hard to add to this because it's perfect when

1:19:44

you just read it as it is. And

1:19:47

yet I'm adding to it. Bare

1:19:50

concepts, though, although essential for

1:19:52

practical purposes, don't bear any

1:19:54

relation to actual experience. I'm

1:19:56

going to jump way ahead to this

1:19:59

last little part. and then I'm gonna put

1:20:01

it to you, Val. Notice that

1:20:03

whenever it is now, and it is always

1:20:05

now, I am. In

1:20:08

other words, the eternal now is the seat

1:20:10

of consciousness. If we go

1:20:12

to the experience of now, and

1:20:14

then go to the experience of being

1:20:17

aware, we go to

1:20:19

the same experience. Now

1:20:21

is I am. Isn't

1:20:24

that good? And I

1:20:26

did that over coffee. I was like,

1:20:28

try to sink into the sensation or

1:20:31

the experience that we call now being

1:20:33

mindfully present. And you're like, wah.

1:20:36

If you're like me, it feels like this, wah. And

1:20:40

then it goes now go to

1:20:42

the experience, experientially the experience I

1:20:45

am. And it's like,

1:20:47

it's exactly the same. That

1:20:50

is the coolest thing I've heard

1:20:52

all day. Yeah,

1:20:56

thank you for sharing that. I

1:20:58

feel like I always

1:21:01

get this image of the now is, you're

1:21:05

in the boat, the boat is

1:21:07

now. And then if

1:21:10

you're like, the past is over

1:21:12

by the trees. So you row over

1:21:14

by the trees. And it's like, but you're

1:21:16

still, you're in the boat. Even if

1:21:19

you're, and you were in the boat

1:21:21

when you were by the dock and you were in the

1:21:23

boat. You're in the

1:21:25

boat. So good. There's

1:21:27

nothing quite as good as whatever it does that

1:21:33

makes you, as Jay Krishnamurti said, die

1:21:35

to the past. Absolutely

1:21:37

let it go and

1:21:40

swipe away the future. And

1:21:43

just, that's

1:21:46

the quickest way to peace and to joy and

1:21:48

to just really enjoying

1:21:51

an Italian coffee while

1:21:53

they're playing Weezer in Chicago. And the

1:21:55

train was really fun. I

1:22:00

was kind of lazily going by the

1:22:02

L train, and I'm watching people, and

1:22:05

I'm really tripping out on the idea that

1:22:07

we're all sharing this experience

1:22:11

together. We all agree that we see

1:22:14

Chicago. That's really,

1:22:16

really cool. If that

1:22:18

gave you any glimpse into how

1:22:20

nice it is, I do recommend The Nature of

1:22:22

Consciousness by Rupert Spira. It's

1:22:24

an incredible book. And

1:22:27

if you're more of an audiobook person, he has some audiobooks

1:22:29

on his website as well. Yeah.

1:22:32

That's great, Broux. Thank you. I

1:22:35

know I already said it, Val, but this is always, it's

1:22:39

a little magic trick that never fails, is

1:22:41

talking to you and getting

1:22:43

to be heard by you as well.

1:22:45

I know I've been yammering a lot, but you create

1:22:47

such a space and such a love. I

1:22:51

think that we all hear, and then everything

1:22:53

that you say is just so healing and

1:22:55

comforting. You're a real healer and

1:22:57

I appreciate you. Get out

1:22:59

of here. I love you. Well,

1:23:01

not. All

1:23:04

right. Well, thank you, everybody.

1:23:07

Thanks, everybody. And

1:23:10

go ahead and keep it crispy.