You beautiful mutants. This is for you. Cave bestiam! A sci-fi wretch. The first 20 minutes of the story of ‘Busher’, of ‘Laura’, ‘Baldy’ and of ‘Ginger the Cat’. A story of outcasts who outlast, of losers who lead, of cretins who create. This is not Sparta, this is Star Trek gone awry. Possibly better than Blake's 7, it's the United Mutations…

Busher: Get out of me way! I don’t CARE! Say nartin’ to me or I’ll burst ya, Where is he... 24, 26, 28... Come on come on... Pyeah!

Woolly Pierce: Nedward! You’re late for work-

Busher: What do you want Woolly Pierce?

Woolly Pierce: Did you just spit on the street?

Busher: Leavew me alone right?!

Woolly Pierce: Stop that!

Busher: I won’t! Make me sure! Fuck off right! What’s it got to do witcha anyway hah?

Woolly Pierce: BUSHER!

Busher: Stick your job! Leave me ‘lone, right?!  Ah HERE, 30 Main Street! This is it. (Thumps fists on door)... Gabbler! Open up!

Pierce: You’re nothing Busher! You’re a loser! A fool! How dare you speak to me like that, I’m a respected member of Macra Na-

Busher: Gabbler!

Gabbler: Is… is that you?? What do ya want? I can see you through the hole!! Has me Millenium Falcon arrived? Are you the postman?

Busher: Open up! FUCK YOU!

Gabbler: Fuck you too! You’re not Postman Declan!

Busher: Not you, him!

Pierce: Nedward! You’re fired! I’ll report you to Garda Gilbert.

Busher: ROBBER! USER! Open up Gabbler, I have to see ya!

Pierce: Shocking standard, you know something Busher-

Gabbler: Busher?

Busher: Come on Gabbler will ya, it’s important! It’s about the aliens!

Gabbler: Aliens? What do YOU know about aliens?

Busher: Too fuckin’ much, peah, now open the door! Fuck off Woolly Pierce!

Gabbler: Alright... you better be who you say you are... (Click) Argghhh! (Busher bursts in).

Busher: Close the door, lock it! Doors. Windows. What the fuck is all this Lego doin’ here?

Gabbler: I collect it. Now, calm down ya felcher, calm down, stay still.

Busher: They took Ginger!! GINGER! MAMMY! TAE! PATRICK! PEAH! WOOLLY JUMPERS! SPEND! MAEN! MISERABLE! VICTOR! 

Gabbler: Stop it Busher, stop it!

Busher: GINGER! Gabbler, GINGER!!! Phwizzz! Into the skies! A flyin’ bucket! Phwizz! GONE! MAMMY!!! SWEETS! LAURA!

Gabbler: Shut up! Shut up!

Busher: GONE! GONE! FLY! CHARTS! SWEETS! SPEND! SINGLES! EMMA-CAROLINE-CATHLEEN-LAURA FWIZZZZZZZZZZ!!!

Gabbler: Ahhhhhhh!!!!!

(Suddenly, everything speeds up, Busher’s voice, clocks spin, lights buzz)

Gabbler: STOOOOP!

Busher: What happened? Ah, me head. Can’t see.

Gabbler: Holey Moley...

Busher: It’s dark. B-b-ut, I just came here at 1pm. It’s night time... It’s night time? Gabbler? What’s goin’ on?    

Gabbler: I-I don’t know... I don’t know Busher, it’s it’s... time flies hihih??

Busher: Pyeah Gabbler, tell me about the resistance.

Gabbler: What resistance?

Busher: The ‘resistance’ to fight the aliens twelve years ago when they took over the town with a big plastic bowl TELL ME!

Gabbler: Why Busher, why? Why do you want to know? Why are you all sweaty n’ half dressed?

Busher: Because they’re back!

Gabbler: Back? Who’s back?

Busher: Them! The fuckin’ bastards who took Ginger! Lissen to me!

Gabbler: Who’s Ginger? You’re not making any sense!

Busher: They, them, THEY took Laura and Baldy too! In a spaceship! Come down, peah, took ‘em out of the bathroom window and flew off into the skies, that’s who them are pyeah, will ya lissen to me ya fuckin’ idiot!

Gabbler: Say that again? Who did you just say?

Busher: Baldy! They took Baldy and Laura and my Ginger in their ship! An hour ago, lunchtime, earlier, before, what fuckin’ time is it anyway?

Gabbler: I-I-, You, you saw this Busher?

Busher: That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you! Saw it ALL! Everything! They were kidnapped!

(Flashback to Soupalon abduction of Laura, Baldy and Busher’s cat Ginger) Maltus Brindle: Yes! Good news for ‘Earth Lovers’, Soupalon saves! All aboard! Come on now Baldy.

Busher: It’s a-it’s a- hah? Hah? ALIENS? Abduction! Maulder! Picard! RYKER! RED ALERT! Abducting Laura and the other gobshite!

Ginger The Cat: Reeeor!

Busher: AND GINGER! Ginger no! Wait! Hey stoppit! Yis can’t! Patrick! Mammy! No! Help! Help! Ginger! He’s... They’re takin’ ‘em! In a flying bucket! Aaahh! Trousers... ankles... GINGER! MAMMY! (/Flashback)

Gabbler: (Calmly) Holy Pat Moley... Sit down Busher.

Busher: Wha?

Gabbler: Sit down Busher! This is serious.

Busher: Wha? Whaaa…

Gabbler: Sit down. I have much to tell you.

Busher: Fwizzzzz....

Gabbler: If this is right what you say...

Busher: It fuckin’ is too, peah!

Gabbler: Then they’re back. They, Busher, are the SOUPALONS, a race of aliens from the Scutum constellation some 5 light years behind Sirius. They came on a ‘Clinkership’, to harvest humans for their own uses. They came here twelve years ago an’ it was Baldy Kendall who discovered the truth as his girlfriend at the time; Hazel was found off diddlin’ a new factory worker on the sly, so Baldy followed him to the factory…

(Flashback) Baldy: Right then Gerry, you’re time is up… (/Flashback)

Gabbler: an’ an’ an’ saw a spaceship, an’ an’ local factory foreman Gerry Frehley with them!

(Flashback) Baldy: He wasn’t dumping something, it was worse! He was waitin’ for somethin’, and that somethin’ was a big fuckin’ alien spaceship! I’m not jokin’ lads… (/Flashback)

Gabbler: The workers were drones sent to plant seed in the local girls Busher!

Busher: Shite!

Gabbler: No messin’. So Baldy formed a resistance, in Dessie Morgan’s Pub...

(Flashback) Baldy: Can’t just stand by and let our world be taken over for whatever purposes… (/Flashback)

Gabbler: With Jagger and Mauldy Jordan, Tucker Wilson, Arlee ‘the DJ’ Davidson and big Miley too...

Busher: Fuckin’ losers the lot of ‘em, but Miley was good for the hash tho’.

Gabbler: The breakthrough happened when Laura found the key to the alien weakness. Vaginal cream! She unwittingly had sex with one of the drones-

Busher: Phwizzzz! Lovely Laura saves the day! AHAWW AHAWW!

Gabbler: -in their attempt to inseminate her, they got cremated on the spot by her hot flanger! Hihihihih.

(Flashback) (Drone worker exploding) Mauldy: Sick! He exploded! (/flashback)

Gabbler: ...so armed with the creams from Tierney’s Pharmacy they joined up with Norman Tash, local teacher and sports trainer...

Busher: I hated him. Never gave me any support in the team... ‘Bring the gear Wednesday, we’re playin’ Annamoe’. No Tash, I won’t! Peah! He always tried to spin me round in the showers and slip it ferociously between the cheeks of me arse. 

Gabbler: He did not!

Busher: He fuckin’ did; ‘Busher’! He said… ‘Busher! Always keep your hole clear! A clean hole is the way to goal! Clear it with the finger boy! Clear it! Futchafutcha’! He was always at me!

Gabbler: Well he never touched me.

Busher: Count yourself lucky so,

Gabbler: What’s wrong with me?

Busher: Hah?- Maybe he just didn’t like you Gabbler!

Gabbler: Am I ugly or somethin’? Is my arse not as good as everyone else’s?

Busher: That’s coz the shit comes out of your MOUTH most of the time. AHAAW HAAWW!

Gabbler: Anyway! Sort of gone off the topic right? So, as I was sayin’ the resistance had the secret weapon; ‘vaginal cream’. But the aliens too had a new weapon, a local tool called Lilo McGregor....

Busher: Lilo McGregor!? Sure he was my next door neighbour. He was some dose of shite... big freckly head and the foghorn voice! No wonder he disappeared around that time. Peah. I thought he just went off to find himself, as he was some lost cunt in those days.

Gabbler: Sure they abducted him! Used their technology and created a metal motormouth from him... You could hear his boom for acres and acres. Shockin’! So to fight this right, the new wave resistance teamed up with Baldy’s new mentor ‘Bop’.

Busher: Mmm Bop? Now who was he?

Gabbler: He was a hermit out of Ballygannorn Woods. Some say he was the first of their lot here to examine us... He must’ve changed sides halfway through tho’, gone over to the other team like... saw the lure of what was really right and true and the right thing to do at the time... I don’t know tho’...

Busher: Traitor! User! Turncoat! Liar! Fwizzzz! Hate them all!

Gabbler: But Busher, he helped the resistance train up to fight the aliens!

Busher: Don’t care! Don’t cayor!

Gabbler: Then right, then in the Ratchly Chemical Factory, there was a big venture to a clearing and they bate shite out of each other until the aliens left.

Busher: Horray! Pyeaaah! Great charts!

Gabbler: But there were casualties... Mauldy was dead... Lilo McGregor, his mother Etna-

Busher: Bitch...

Gabbler: all destroyed...

Busher: Good enough for them. But, but, how did you find all this out, were YOU part of the resistance?

Gabbler: Sorry Busher, a journalist never gives out his sources.

Busher: But you’re not a journalist, you’re an unemployed conspiracy theorist! How are you able to write all about this stuff n’ know all the details? And how can you still afford Star Wars Lego?

Gabbler: That’s not important Busher! Your information means that the aliens are back and they are planning something...

Busher: What tho’ what?!

Gabbler: What indeed... You have to go see Tucker, Arlee or Jagger, they still survive, I hope. Maybe these Soupalons are looking for them... you’d better be quick!

Busher: I don’t care who tells me what or if any of this is even true, and I’m having one mother of a trip right now but, I need to get Ginger back! I LOVE HER! SHE’S MY BEST FRIEND! Gabbler, tell me, where do they live?

Gabbler: Jagger lives up the Mass Path near Toomy’s Brook, past Spruce Way... And don’t forget to say that I sent yis! (Door opens). Good Luck!

Busher: Pyeah fucksake... (Door Closes). Fucksake…

Gabbler: (Click, rewind FX... play part of Busher’s speech, click stop.) This is it Gabbler! This is it! This is the big supa SCOOP!

12 years on from 'first contact' gone wrong, Baldy Kendall has been snatched by the Soupalon race. Baldy’s neighbour Busher sees his own cat Ginger climb aboard the departing alien orb. Busher hates Baldy but loves Ginger. He will find her! This is a quest for Ginger the Cat. It will take Busher then Arlee, Tucker and Jagger out of their world and to the ‘Savage Garden’ of the Soupalon race.

United Mutations is a 4-hour sci-fi podcast series by Amplevoicepod divvied up into 12 storming sections for your delectation. If you like podcast stories with atmosphere, panic and stupidity, served in high resolution audio, where you can immerse yourself into another world (and who wouldn't these days hmm?) you may just get this. A prime feast of a podcast. Not quite Ulysses 31 but just as awesome.