Brindle: There… is your answer, a brief stop off on our way back to your impending sacrifice to the Soupalon High Council. They will marvel and be not a little taken aback at how you pathetically embody human resistance to our world. And as for you pointing out my predecessors; Holtus was a vain creature. And Dickus? Well the absconding Dickus will soon be joining you, as soon as we take a moment here on the 'Savage Garden'.

Baldy: 'Savage Garden' eh? Yis’ll be under the fertile earth by sundown, ya sneery bastard.

Brindle: Such sharp ignorance you let slip through your yellow teeth. Here we are now. You will get to see our more experimental designs upon ‘your’ planet...

Baldy: Get yer paws off me ya tool! (Door hatch opens).

Brindle: Ah Tonus…

Tonus: HENDRIX! Mmmnnng… Grab it grab it. WOOO!

Baldy: What’s wrong witcha ya Soupalon freak?

Brindle: Tonus! Behave.

Tonus: Grab it grab it!

Brindle: He was never fully perverted to your planet’s form of speech patterns-

Baldy: Not like you then eh? Say your voice’d be a hit with our women, just like Holtus was with my ex-girlfriend, Hazel. Then you’d get the crusty lizard out and some creamy flanger would fry yis alive!

Tonus: Arghgghhghhgh!!!! Grab the groin, grab the groin! Overlord Brindle, you have brought HIM! The LAD! The MAN!! His LAD! HENDRIX! He who shall lead us into the illumination! He is the one! Of all places, HENDRIX! GRAB IT! GRAB IT! To the Savage Garden, with me, Tonus! GO FOR THE WICK IN IT! FOR THE WICK IN IT! Wooo!

Baldy: Hah?

Brindle: Tonus, explain yourself.

Ginger the Cat: Reeeor…

Tonus: OOOOW! And the little furry monshtar! Haha! The little furry monshtar with the four legs. Look at him. Oooh lovely. GRAB IT GRAB IT GRAB IT! Allow me to show you Overlord... MNNNNGGG! FOR THE WICK IN IT! Ah, here, ah here, ah here, ah here, no... in a minute... in a minute, there in a minute... I’m puttin’ the make-up on... right here, yeah, ok now you can look! LOOKA! Looka! Look will ya?!

Brindle: Tonus, please stop rubbing and pushing... it’s most unwelcome. 

Tonus: Ooooh… Ooh, oooh, oooh, ohh, oooh…

Baldy: He’s going to shoot the load n’ kill us all.

Ginger the Cat: Rerrowww!

Tonus: HERE! Look here! Look here! Behold, three two one... mmmnnng,  the ‘Yellow Tooth CODE’! The Yellow Tooth Code! Seeee? Touch-dowen!

Baldy: A scrawny picture of some lad with some squiggly writing.

Brindle: It’s our most ancient text, Baldy.

Tonus: And HE is in IT! THERE! With the furry monshtar beside him looka lovely, furry monshtar, the RED BEAST, here! Look, the starchild to the right! It’s him Overlord, HIM! HENDRIX!

Baldy: He’s not right in the head that lad, is he?

Brindle: Sickness had marked him for one of its own. Tonus, put back that no doubt valuable copy of the ‘Yellow Tooth Code’ and stop with this nonsense. I can credit this human as being the most revolting in history but attributing him the status of the Leader of the Illumination is going far beyond stupification...

Tonus: But look at the big Yellow Tooth! No other in the cosmos like it! GRAB IT GRAB IT GRAB IT! GO FOR THE WICK IN IT! GO FOR THE WICK IN IT! Guinness please...

Baldy: What’s wrong with me tooth?

Brindle: LIE DOWEN Tonus, LIE DOWEN before I PUT YOU DOWEN!

Tonus: (Screams and runs away...) HE is HERE, HE is HERE! Woooo!

Brindle: Sorry Baldy...

Baldy: Fuck off.

Narrator: Meanwhile, in the Ballygannorn Woods…

Dickus: Catch it Spikus, catch it!

Spikus: It’s too fast!

Dickus: Shuttup Spikus will ya, I have to set it! I can’t set it if you don’t catch it! She’s the bait!

(Cat screeches)

Spikus: I’m cold

Dickus: Grow more hair then!

Spikus: I’m hungry-

Dickus: Will you leave me alone ya beggar! I’m tryin’ to get us lunch. It’s not easy with you there hopin’ around grabbin’ your groin. Come on fuss fuss... come on... AHHH! Gotcha! (Cat snared).

Spikus: I don’t like this food.

Dickus: That’s coz you eat your beard at the same time. Here we are. (Strangles cat).

Spikus: Diiiickus...

Dickus: Comes out same way as it goes in dunnit? Dog, cat, bird, rat, it’s all energy to keep you goin’ an’ not cakkin’ on like some old craw. Save it! Stoke up the fire, goo’lad, I’ll skin the dinner.

Spikus: Diiiickus...

Dickus: Spikus! If Bop could hide out in these Ballygannorn woods forever, then we can survive long enough to get what we need to get the fuck out of here!

Spikus: Those words are, hhhh, bad.

Dickus: I know. That’s why I like ‘em. Them words and the old trouserses are great, but that’s about it for this wretched place. Imagine them humans wanting all the time to believe in another outer-world sentient life-form? Did it ever cross there pathetic little minds that we wouldn’t want to go near these ungrateful bastards in the first place?! 

Spikus: Unless we’re sent or get lost...

Dickus: Spikus, we’ll be out of here soon ok. Flush the negativity!

Spikus: Then what? Face death for dissertion from the Soupalon High Council?

Dickus: I said leave it to me will ya. Go get sticks. We need more fire. Far t’much greasy air in this place. And here, try not to stab yourself again.

Spikus: We’re going to die, either here from the rotten food, rotten atmosphere, h-h-h-h, or from the hand of whomever The Boghead sends to get us. We’re going to die like Bop, ripped apart by a big hybrid mutant-

Dickus: Doom doom doom! That’s all I hear. I’m surprised you’re still as stupid as you were before!

Spikus: Not funny Dickus, right?

Dickus: Spikus, stop the yakkin’, it does us no good. Bop was not Dickus, and Dickus is not Bop... y’understand my lopsided hairy loon?

Spikus: The Boghead, remember, our master, sent Bop here to Earth to collect information. He never came back! We were sent by The Boghead to find. H-h-h-h, Bop as our invasion was to begin, he was a liability, YOU said it would be “no problem”...

Dickus: It WAS no problem!

Spikus: Then he escaped, we crashed, and Bop helped the humans form a resistance!

Dickus: That WAS a problem. I admit that now, yep.

Spikus: We’re so dead.

Dickus: I can kill you quicker now if you like! Gettin’ on me nerves Spikus, gettin’ on ‘em. Haven’t we got the bones of the shoupshuttle here? All we need is a few more bits n’ bobs from that dump of human scrap down the hillock there and we’ll be away!

Spikus: You better be right Dickus. I can’t take anymore of this place, it does my head in.

Dickus: I’m with you there Spikus, I think the Soupalon High Council did wrong in forming life on this planet. Soupalons like Bop and Holtus in charge, sure what do you expect? Couldn’t even “dispirit the humans into unquestioning servitude,” Waste of space...

Spikus: How long did you say we’ve been here now?

Dickus: About as long as the blackened hooks on the end of your feet Spikus. Come on, more traps to set. Catch that stankin’ meat! Catch it!

Narrator: Meanwhile, up the mass path near Toomey’s Brook, a forestry worker waits… and waits…

Jagger: Yeah, yeah, come on, you can do it, yeah... concentrate, concentrate, think of the flowin’ rivers... Go on... Ah n-no no, not Mrs Bruno, get out, I don’t want you, your husband’s a police officer... Stop touching me... Ah... I can’t do it! Heee, I can’t do it! Go on, you know you want to... but what about the pissin’? Ah leave it for now, come back later, fresher, ready to go, ok you’re right, just the one then... hihihihih... (Sparks up a doobie).

Busher: (Bangs door!) Open up Jagger! Jagger! ... ... (silence)... I can see you Jagger for fucksake! (Bangs door) Stop hidin’ behind the curtains and open this door! Phwizzzzz!

Jagger: Ah howaya Ned, I didn’t know it was you, I swear, I thought it was the pigs... or Mrs Bruno wantin’ the fat arse rode off her...

Busher: What are ya shitin’ about? Just let me in, I have to talk to ya!!!

Jagger: Wha? What ya say?

Busher: Open the door Jagger!!! It’s BUSHER! BUSH-ER yeah?

Jagger: Ah sorry Ned, I didn’t know it was you... hang on...

Busher: (Whispers) Fuckin’ stupid hippy.... pyeah... (extended silence)... JAGGER! I’m still here yunno! I haven’t gone away,  now fuckin’ open it!

Jagger: Wha?

Busher: For the love of United, open the bloody DOWAR!

Jagger: Ah yeah, alright Ned, calm down, it’s alright, come in... moy castle is yeah, yo-yours... n’ all..

Busher: What are ya doin’?

Jagger: Wha?

Busher: I said what are ya doin’? What are ya doin’? Lissen to me!

Jagger: Ned, I can hear ya, don’t have to repeat yourself, do you want to roll a joint? I’ve started on a fat one.

Busher: Jagger! No! No rollin’! No! The aliens are back and they’ve taken Ginger! Ginger’s gone!

Jagger: Wha?

Busher: Yes, she’s gone! TAKEN! ROBBED! BASTARDS!

Jagger: Who’s been robbed Ned? Your mother?

Busher: What did I just tell you ya sheepskin cunt?! Ginger me cat! And they took Laura too, and the gobshite Baldy... I saw the Gabbler about it and he told me to see you.., god knows fuckin’ why tho’...      

Jagger: Your lips move… but I can’t hear what you’re sayin’ Ned, are ya tryin’ to freak me out? You tryin’ to get in my head?

Busher: Stoppa! JAGGER! Lissen! I-know-you-are-a-fuck-head... but-this IS SERIOUS! HELLO?

Jagger: Stop shoutin’ Ned will ya, I’m not deaf! What’s so ‘serious’?

Busher: ALIENS! Aliens I told ya! THEM! Them Soupalon bastards have kidnapped Ginger, Laura and the Baldy idiot...

Jagger: You’re at it again Ned, stop it, you’re not gettin’ in... say it, just say it, I’m ready for the truth, but first you have to let me hear it...

Busher: PHWIZZZZ! MAMMAAAY! JAGGER! I’ll burst you now in a minute! PYEAH! LISSEN! Aliens...taken...Baldy...Laura...Ginger... went to GABBLER... Soupalons... are...BACK...come...here...see...the... retard... for... answers!

Jagger: Calm down Ned, did you say ‘Aliens’, Soupalons are back? Baldy? Taken? Fuck me Ned, that’s serious... why didn’t you tell me?

Busher: Ahhhhh... cunt!

Jagger: Cunts is right! You don’t want to mess with those lads, but we have to do somethin’! Yeah, we need to go to the Tucker!

Busher: Pyeah! That’s it, now you’re talkin’. Where does he live?

Jagger: Right, yeah, do you want to know where he lives? I can bring you there...

Busher: What’s wrong with you Jagger?

Jagger: Wha?

Busher: You are one dozy fuck... Take-me-to-Tucker.

Jagger: Why you actin’ like that Ned? I said I would! Don’t fuck around Busher... I can see you. I know you Busher... it’s written all over your face...

Busher: Shut up mad lad and take me to Tucker!

Jagger: Yeah, speechless now Ned aren’t ya, no words now... (excited) I’m in your head... can you handle it? Are you ready for it Busher... I don’t think you arrrrrrrrrrrrrre... (Time slows down).

Busher: Yaaaaaa fuuuuucccchhhhhinnnnn’ bbbbbooooolllloooooccchhhhsss.  Why I am I standing here talkin’ to a freakshow dressed in a sheepskin coat and big beige UGG boots! PEAH!

Jagger: Woaw. Did you feel that Ned? The whole place went mad.

Busher: Pyeaah! Your face warped, that was ff-f-fucked up! What’s goin’ on? TELL ME! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO ME JAGGER! Did you drug the fuckin’ air or wha?

Jagger: It’s alright Ned, say somethin’, get it out... I’m here for ya...

Busher: Am I going insane?

Jagger: Ned, I have to play you some of me new music, it fuckin’ rocks, I was workin’ on it all last night and today, you’re the first one to hear it, you get the premiere! Here, right, are ya sittin’ down?

Busher: Ah no! Every time. Every time I’m fuckin’ here…

Jagger: Oh yeah! It’s called Beneath the Clouds of Venus... (click play).

Busher: We have to go! JAGGER! Stop with that shite. Stoned eejit. We have to go to Tucker’s! Tucker’s!!! Listen to me!

Jagger: What do you think Ned?

Busher: Mmgg... Yeah, it’s fuckin’ brilliant! Let’s go see Tucker!

Jagger: You think so? Thanks, but yeah, you’re right Ned... yeah, see Tucker, tell him the news. Come on, what are we waiting for?

Busher: Oh Ginger... dear sweet beautiful Ginger... I hope I find you...

12 years on from 'first contact' gone wrong, Baldy Kendall has been snatched by the Soupalon race. Baldy’s neighbour Busher sees his own cat Ginger climb aboard the departing alien orb. Busher hates Baldy but loves Ginger. He will find her! This is a quest for Ginger the Cat. It will take Busher then Arlee, Tucker and Jagger out of their world and to the ‘Savage Garden’ of the Soupalon race.

United Mutations is a 4-hour sci-fi podcast series by Amplevoicepod divvied up into 12 storming sections for your delectation. If you like podcast stories with atmosphere, panic and stupidity, served in high resolution audio, where you can immerse yourself into another world (and who wouldn't these days hmm?) you may just get this. A prime feast of a podcast. Not quite Ulysses 31 but just as awesome.