0:55

Hey , beautiful people , it's Ninji

0:58

here , coming at you from the studios

1:00

on Christmas Day 2023

1:02

. Welcome

1:05

to the holiday season . I

1:07

feel like the holidays , this time of

1:09

the year , always does something to us

1:11

. Everyone's kind of buzzing with excitement

1:13

, getting time off work , being able

1:15

to spend time with family , getting prepared

1:17

to travel and all the other fun activities

1:19

that come with this time of year . But also

1:22

it's so freaking

1:24

hectic , I feel like with

1:27

as much excitement as there is , there's

1:29

also like non-stop mental

1:32

, emotional , physical stimulation that

1:34

we put ourselves through during this time , like

1:37

running errands to do

1:39

Christmas decoration

1:42

shopping , christmas gift shopping

1:44

, putting up decor , holiday baking

1:46

, trying to fit in time to see people that

1:48

you haven't had the chance to see , um

1:51

yeah , like , not to mention just

1:53

going to the malls to buy the gifts . It's

1:56

all very hectic and

1:59

I've never really been a Christmas lover myself , so

2:02

I never understood that

2:04

. But you know , to each their own . I

2:06

guess by the time this episode is out , actual

2:09

Christmas will be over , like today's

2:11

Christmas , but still I

2:13

feel like the chaos continues into the new

2:15

year . This time

2:17

of year is just a nut show , or should

2:20

I say nutcracker show . Sorry

2:23

, I had to slip that one in . But

2:26

I didn't want to make this episode all about holiday

2:28

stress . Personally , I've

2:31

been swimming kind

2:33

of drowning in the deep end of deconstructing

2:36

beliefs , patterns , which

2:38

isn't easy , especially

2:40

at this time of year , but I mean also

2:42

much needed , which is what December

2:44

brings , is kind of a time for reflection

2:47

going into the new year . So

2:50

I just wanted to hop on here to

2:52

share this episode with you , to

2:54

reaffirm my hard

2:56

earned learnings during this time and

2:58

support anyone who might be going through similar

3:01

things . I

3:04

literally don't even know where to start because

3:06

this episode is so dense with a lot of

3:08

deep inquiries I've been making Thanks

3:11

to some painful experiences and therapy

3:13

sessions I've been committing myself to

3:15

. And I say thanks to these painful

3:18

experiences because without

3:20

them we'd never really reach a point like

3:23

that breaking point out

3:26

of certain thoughts and behaviors that we've

3:28

been structuring ourselves in . But

3:32

the most important part of coming on into

3:34

the other side of hardship is the active

3:36

choice to move beyond

3:38

this current place of negative perspectives

3:40

, patterns and energy which

3:42

clearly hasn't been serving us . These

3:46

are some of the realizations I've made , letting

3:48

me move beyond such a stagnant state of

3:50

mind and emotional being . It's felt

3:53

very defeating

3:55

and I've

3:58

just kind of lived my day to day without sorting

4:00

through it , hence the pause and

4:02

all things on this podcast and my blog

4:04

and my social medias . But

4:07

I'm back , I'm in it , I'm

4:09

moving forward and I'm here to

4:11

share it all with you . So

4:14

let's get into it . So

4:17

, because I'm still in the deep end , I won't be

4:19

sharing the specific details on my current

4:22

experiences , as I have done

4:24

in my past episodes , but

4:26

I will be sharing some recent groundbreaking

4:29

perspectives I've learned during this time . I've

4:33

been doing therapy for years

4:35

now . When I first started , I

4:37

was in dire need of facing and becoming

4:39

aware of my past traumas and seeing

4:42

them as trauma . So when

4:44

I found the therapist that I felt like was

4:46

the one , I stuck with her

4:49

for years . A

4:51

lot of my sessions were catered towards being able to

4:53

talk about my traumas and processing

4:55

them while moving away from the shame of it

4:57

, and I discovered so much

4:59

about myself , the way I viewed certain experiences

5:02

, my relationships with other people and

5:05

becoming self-aware of the course of

5:07

my actions during conflict and

5:09

negative interactions . Everything

5:12

was kind of viewed from a trauma-informed lens

5:14

and I really couldn't be more grateful

5:16

for the years of therapy that's led

5:18

me to be comfortable with

5:20

my past . But

5:23

yes , there's a big fat

5:25

. But here I always

5:27

felt like there was a missing link and

5:30

I found myself falling into tendencies of

5:32

pointing to my trauma as a reason for my

5:34

thoughts and behaviors . And

5:36

just to clarify , this is different than

5:39

victimizing yourself . I was way beyond

5:41

the point of victimization . What

5:45

I was doing was steering my negative behaviors

5:47

towards where they came from , reflecting

5:51

the defense mechanisms I've created around it

5:53

and trying to explain my behavior based

5:55

on them . And with that framework

5:57

, I was also constantly

5:59

blaming myself for not

6:01

being able to figure out how to move

6:04

beyond being just aware

6:06

of my trauma and knowing where those behaviors

6:08

came from . With

6:24

my previous therapist retiring and being

6:26

forced to find another , I had a hard

6:28

time finding someone who I could relay

6:30

the same kinds of thoughts with . After

6:33

almost a year , I finally found

6:36

a counselor I decided to start with

6:38

and honestly , my mind was

6:40

a balloon . In

6:42

retrospect , I think this was a change that

6:44

I really needed within my sessions , because

6:46

over the last few years , I've become

6:49

well-equipped and more introspective of my patterns

6:51

and behaviors . But I was still hitting a wall

6:53

. This new counselor

6:56

knew nothing about my past , she knew

6:58

nothing about my history of trauma and

7:00

she had zero baseline to critically

7:02

base my thoughts , actions and behaviors

7:05

on . So our session basically

7:07

started with talking about current interpersonal

7:09

conflicts that I've been facing and

7:12

discussions around the simplest forms of

7:14

understanding emotions and behaviors from kind

7:17

of a textbook standpoint . So

7:20

why was this so groundbreaking ? Well

7:22

, I'm going to break this down

7:24

for you so we can easily understand it . We're

7:27

going to talk about three things . The

7:29

first is rationality versus irrationality

7:32

, the second would be

7:35

the shame of being emotional . And

7:37

the third is you are , not

7:40

your behavior . So

7:43

, first and foremost , let's look at

7:45

rationality versus irrationality

7:47

and let's start with a question

7:49

what constitutes rational

7:52

behavior versus irrational

7:54

behavior ? I

7:57

grew up in a household where irrational

7:59

behavior was a constant yelling

8:01

, screaming , objects being tossed

8:04

around , physical altercations . As

8:07

a child , I told myself I would never

8:09

behave this way when I grew up because it left

8:11

an emotional scar on me . But

8:14

unfortunately , that's not what the science

8:17

behind environmental factors of behavioral

8:19

traits tells you . Up

8:21

until recently , I viewed these past experiences

8:23

within my household and moments

8:25

of me projecting these same behaviors

8:27

as quote unquote flawed and

8:30

quote unquote irrational behavior

8:32

. But where does this idea

8:34

of rational and irrational come from

8:36

? I've looked into this . So

8:39

let's get into a bit of history around the concept

8:41

of rationality . Very interesting . The

8:45

concept behind rationality

8:47

, or reason , has a long history . I

8:49

found that it may have been discovered in ancient Greece

8:51

, apparently at this time . Being

8:54

able to adhere to this put people

8:56

on an almost divine status

8:58

during the beginning of the modern period

9:00

in Europe . And we

9:02

see the same beliefs around rationality and reason

9:04

in Catholic churches during the French Revolution

9:07

and so on and so forth , actually

9:10

leading to this idea of modeling

9:13

society on rational principles . So

9:16

, based on my research super

9:18

short and quick it seems like this concept

9:20

of rationality was based on a utopian

9:23

effort to structure and order society

9:25

. But the duality

9:28

of rationality versus irrationality

9:30

has been conflicting not only within

9:33

society but within individuals

9:35

themselves . There's

9:37

so much more to this and I could totally get

9:39

into this further , maybe in another episode

9:41

, but we won't linger here for too long

9:43

. So the

9:46

problem with creating this division between

9:48

irrational and rational and the perspective

9:51

of one having a hierarchy over the other

9:53

creates confusion . As

9:56

human beings , we're evolved to use our

9:58

brains , collect information and follow

10:00

this path for conscious decision

10:02

making . Well , newsflash , rational

10:06

decision alone , within the sense of its

10:08

term , isn't always viable for human

10:10

beings . Why is that ? While

10:14

our prefrontal cortex the logical

10:16

reasoning part of our brain , exists , our

10:18

limbic system , or the emotional

10:20

brain , manages our innate urges

10:22

, moods and emotions . This

10:24

is a part of our brain that puts

10:27

us into a fight or flight . It

10:29

scans the environment for danger , takes

10:32

our past experiences and triggers

10:34

an autopilot response from the nervous system

10:36

, basically making us react

10:38

irrationally or

10:40

emotionally . I'm doing like bunny

10:42

quotes right now . So

10:45

, for instance , I've experienced

10:48

many experiences

10:52

in my life that triggers

10:54

the danger response when I feel misunderstood

10:56

or attacked

10:59

in any way , shape or form , my

11:01

body interprets this as the same

11:03

thing as , let's

11:05

say , a bear attack . And while

11:07

people respond differently , anyone

11:09

who knows me will know I'm a fighter

11:12

. Yes , I'd probably fight

11:14

a bear if it came down to it , as unreasonable

11:16

as it may seem , but

11:19

like ? Can you see why this conflicts

11:21

with the concept of rational decision making ? So

11:25

how can we , as human

11:27

beings , learn to always be rational

11:29

and reasonable ? The straight answer

11:32

to that is we can't

11:34

, and I'd like to add

11:36

that there is nothing wrong with that

11:38

. So if you've been

11:40

the type to argue about someone being rational

11:42

and irrational , seriously just freaking

11:45

, stop . If

11:49

you want to read deeper into the history and duality

11:51

of reason . Check out this amazing paper

11:54

that I found . It's called Irrationality

11:56

a history of the dark side of reason

11:58

. I've left a link

12:00

on the show notes so that you can go

12:03

check that out . And

12:05

let's move on to the next point here the

12:07

shame of being emotional . There

12:12

is so much

12:14

shame in society around

12:16

being emotional , especially in women

12:19

. Comments like oh God

12:21

, women are so emotional they can't control

12:23

themselves , or like she's

12:25

having a moment again , and even the

12:27

classic . You need to calm down

12:29

. These comments are

12:31

so common and very much considered

12:34

the norm in society . But why

12:36

? I hate using the word patriarchy

12:38

, but I mean because there's a lot

12:41

of layers we need to unveil within this word . But

12:43

I'm going to be straight up here and say

12:45

the patriarchy romanticizes

12:48

female shame . Stay

12:51

with me here . Remember that female character

12:53

in the movies . She exudes the

12:56

ideal feminine attributes

12:58

of empathy , nurture

13:00

compassion . By the way

13:03

, take note that these traits all come

13:05

from the emotional part of her brain . She

13:07

wears a sun dress with her perfectly

13:10

combed silky hair . In the wind

13:12

she's perfect , even

13:14

when she's not . She hides her pain

13:16

with a smile because she's prettier

13:18

when she smiles . She holds

13:20

herself together for the needs of others . She

13:22

lives behind a wall of denial

13:25

because she prefers to live

13:27

within them than be anything less than perfect

13:29

, because if you're not pretending

13:31

well enough , you're not doing it wrong

13:33

. Welcome to female

13:36

shame . Romanticizing

13:39

the massing of vulnerabilities and

13:41

emotional experiences like

13:43

being messy , angry , sad

13:45

, overwhelmed , frustrated and all

13:47

of the so-called negative emotions

13:50

, are seen as weaknesses that need to be

13:52

suppressed . Suck

13:54

it up . You have no reason to cry

13:56

. Why are you being so sensitive ? Are

13:59

a few of the many comments I've heard over

14:01

my lifetime by many my parents

14:04

as well as in relationships . But

14:08

remember as a kid , when you saw this character

14:10

in the movies act resilient by

14:12

masking their emotions , I

14:15

was in awe and wanted

14:17

to be perfect , just like

14:19

them . Well

14:21

, listen up . We women

14:23

are built different . Our bodies are

14:25

different . We have different hormones

14:28

. We've been created

14:30

to be these beautiful , emotional , nurturing

14:32

goddesses , and

14:34

y'all wouldn't be here without us women . So

14:36

go , thank your mothers . I

14:41

grew up being told that being emotional

14:43

is a flaw . I would

14:45

be disciplined physically and verbally

14:47

for crying , for getting angry

14:50

, for being frustrated or

14:52

even just reacting to over-stimulation

14:54

. And , as a side note , this was a very common

14:56

ADHD treat which wasn't

14:59

diagnosed until I was an

15:01

adult and I struggled for

15:03

the majority of my life feeling like I

15:05

was fundamentally flawed

15:07

. My

15:09

childhood was a pivotal time

15:12

when my brain started learning

15:14

that expressing feelings and emotions were

15:17

not safe . So

15:19

eventually , along with all these female

15:21

characters in the movies that represented

15:24

the perfect woman , I

15:26

started to mask these traits to avoid

15:28

conflict , punishment , and never learned

15:30

authentic self-expression . And

15:33

let me tell you , I got really good at it

15:35

. The truth is

15:38

emotions and

15:40

being emotional is a truly

15:43

amazing thing . It's

15:45

what brings art to life . It's

15:47

what brings friendships

15:49

, families , relationships together

15:51

to share genuine moments of human-to-human

15:54

connection . Emotions

15:56

make art . Emotions make music

15:58

. Emotions drive the words

16:00

, thoughts , actions that touch our

16:02

souls in ways that

16:05

only humans can create an

16:07

experience . This

16:09

is what really sets us apart from animals

16:11

. The primal instinct

16:13

of fight or flight from our limbic system

16:16

and falling into the pitfalls of

16:18

emotional responses has

16:21

been largely misguided and misinterpreted

16:24

as primal behavior , making us less

16:26

human , making us seemingly

16:28

lack logic , reason and rational

16:31

thinking . But the emotions

16:33

are just as important , if not

16:35

more important . If

16:38

you don't want to agree with this point , I dare

16:40

you to go try dating AI for a while and

16:42

see what you get out of it . No judgment

16:44

to each their own . When

16:48

we're falling in love , we use a limbic

16:50

system . When you feel that unbreakable

16:53

bond between you and your children , you're

16:55

using your limbic system . Every

16:57

single one of my songs have been

16:59

written from a place of overwhelming joy

17:02

, love , hurt

17:04

, pain and frustration , and

17:07

that's what resonates with others , that's

17:10

what connects us more deeply . So

17:13

I dare you to call me irrational

17:15

one more time for having a stronger

17:18

responding emotional brain . The

17:21

hard truth is you

17:23

should never be ashamed

17:25

of your emotions , even the so-called

17:28

negative emotions like anger . You

17:30

should never feel like society's concept

17:32

of irrational is the equivalence of being

17:34

flawed . All emotions are necessary

17:37

. It's our brain and body's way

17:39

of telling us that there's a need

17:41

to process something . If

17:44

you ignore these emotions , hold them back and

17:46

ignore them , they'll stay in your body

17:48

. I assure you it'll come out at some point

17:50

in some way , shape or form , whether

17:52

it's with more explosive anger

17:54

, more depression , anxiety , illnesses

17:56

or even health conditions . So

18:00

I mean , okay

18:02

, now that we've gotten down and dirty with things ? I'm

18:04

sure some of y'all

18:06

are thinking okay , she's telling

18:08

me that I should express my anger , be

18:11

chaotic , scream , throw things

18:13

at people , because it's a healthy

18:15

way to express myself . Ah , hell

18:18

, no , please

18:20

don't do that . We all express

18:22

our emotions differently . Some are

18:24

able to break down their thoughts and emotions into

18:26

words , to express themselves through

18:29

dialogue more easily . Some

18:31

will simply have to remove themselves and heighten

18:33

states of emotion , and some will have

18:35

to express themselves through

18:37

their body . Of course , this all

18:39

depends on how effectively we regulate

18:41

our nervous system and are able to tap

18:44

into and control both

18:46

our sympathetic which is our fight or flight and

18:48

parasympathetic , rest and digest

18:51

systems . I'll dive more

18:53

into these topics in a later episode . There's so

18:55

much more to it , yeah

18:57

, and just kind of go over better ways to

18:59

manage these systems , but for now

19:01

we'll move on . As

19:05

I've mentioned , we all express ourselves

19:07

differently . I'm one of those

19:09

people who need to express

19:11

themselves through the body , and

19:14

this is a hard one because it can often come across

19:17

as aggression . But

19:19

if you've worked on the both

19:21

the above perspective

19:23

mentioned regarding rational versus irrational

19:26

and the shame of being emotional , you'll

19:28

be able to come to a place where you feel

19:30

comfortable to express this emotion in

19:32

the way your body needs , in a safe way

19:35

. I'll also be

19:37

posting a separate thing on somatic experience

19:39

and expression in your episodes , so

19:41

please don't go slashing a tire

19:43

, breaking windows and blame it on this episode

19:45

. So the overwhelming

19:48

truth of it all you are not

19:50

your behavior . In

19:53

other words , your behaviors don't

19:55

reflect your character and your essence

19:57

. Holy

20:00

shit , this concept literally

20:02

took me 33 years

20:04

to realize , through textbook

20:07

childlike explanations from my counselor

20:09

. When she asked me to distinguish

20:11

between behavior and character , I wasn't

20:14

even able to give her an answer and

20:17

I'm honestly , I pride

20:19

myself as someone who's very self-aware

20:21

, have a strong understanding of the brain

20:23

, of behavioral psychology

20:26

and helping others work through these things

20:28

as a coach , but I

20:30

was so shocked that I

20:33

went completely blank when my counselor

20:35

asked me this . So

20:38

let's look at behavior versus character

20:40

. As we grow

20:42

up , we learn quote-unquote acceptable

20:44

and quote-unquote unacceptable

20:46

behavior through our parents

20:49

, schools and through our relationships

20:51

. But we aren't quite taught the whys

20:53

and the hows of our behaviors

20:55

. If we're being told at a young

20:58

age that hitting your preschool friend

21:00

is bad , without being asked the

21:02

questions as to why we acted

21:04

on this thought and where the behavior

21:06

came from , we're now just ingrained

21:08

with this idea that hitting is bad

21:10

and I shouldn't do it because it's frowned

21:12

upon . Okay

21:14

, so what does it teach us ? It

21:16

simply teaches us not to do it

21:19

, but it doesn't allow the space

21:21

and curiosity to understand why we

21:23

lashed out and how to help

21:25

our bodies control that behavior . Unfortunately

21:29

, most of us are taught this way

21:31

that good is good and bad is bad

21:33

, and just don't do it because it's wrong

21:35

, because adults tell you so

21:37

, and ultimately

21:39

, the framework that this builds

21:42

is that behavior is inherently

21:44

a character trait , the

21:46

essence of who you are . Therefore

21:49

, if we want to be a good person , you should

21:51

eliminate these behaviors . There's

21:54

so much more to this that I want to touch on eventually

21:56

, like cultural , generational

21:58

, religious beliefs , but we'll leave that out for

22:00

now . But damn

22:02

, no wonder we have so much shame around

22:05

our emotions . The

22:07

truth is , the essence of who we are goes

22:10

far beyond our thoughts , emotions

22:12

and behaviors . We're

22:14

all born as unique individuals

22:16

in this world , all with different passions

22:18

, a sense of purpose , a spark

22:20

that lights us up when we're our best

22:22

selves . Our essence is

22:25

the undeniable illuminating energy

22:27

that we give off when we are

22:29

in our power . Okay

22:32

, humans . So , with that being said , let's

22:34

bust some nits . First

22:39

, being told to change

22:41

your thought patterns doesn't help

22:44

a regulated nervous system . I

22:47

think our generation has come

22:49

so far in terms of understanding mental

22:51

health and self-awareness . We

22:53

understand that we all have a tendency of unhealthy

22:56

thought patterns and are taught to look

22:58

at the cycles of those patterns in order

23:00

to shift perspectives and make changes

23:02

to ourselves . The

23:05

concept of neuroplasticity has

23:07

come to the forefront of mental health over

23:09

the last while and it's

23:11

significant

23:13

in understanding our ability for healing

23:15

and growth . So neuroplasticity

23:19

is known as the brain's ability to change and

23:21

adapt through new experiences

23:23

and learnings . On

23:25

the flip side , our brain also molds

23:27

itself to consistent experiences

23:30

, thought patterns , self-beliefs and

23:32

inner dialogues we have of ourselves

23:34

, others and the world around us . So

23:37

the popular practice in knowing about neuroplasticity

23:41

has become positive

23:44

thinking , positive talk and

23:47

having a positive outlook on life . Things

23:50

such as gratitude , journaling , mantras

23:52

and so on are really amazing

23:54

practices to integrate into our daily

23:57

to reinforce new neural

23:59

pathways . There are a lot

24:01

of benefits to these kind of

24:03

practices , but the problem

24:06

is that if we're looking at someone

24:08

who has an overactive autonomic

24:11

nervous system for

24:13

those who don't know what autonomic nervous system

24:15

is , anish it regulates

24:17

bodily functions like heart rate , blood pressure

24:19

and so on . It's

24:21

extremely hard to control the Anes once

24:24

it's triggered , and once it's

24:26

triggered it can also turn into a

24:28

fast and impulsive response to

24:30

external stimuli . So

24:32

during this time , telling people to hey

24:34

quick , just think about something positive

24:37

, it won't do shit . Once

24:40

their bodies react to stimuli that they perceive

24:42

as danger based on their past experiences

24:45

, the body will react regardless . I

24:48

have ADHD , which definitely is the

24:50

epitome of quick reactions to external

24:52

stimuli and triggers , so

24:55

people with such neurodivergent brains

24:57

can especially have a hard time with this concept

24:59

of positive thinking , especially in

25:01

the moment . The

25:03

fact of the matter is our bodies

25:06

are super intelligent and powerful . It

25:08

protects us from the dangers of the world . The

25:12

problem with this in our day and age is

25:14

that these perceived dangers are shaped

25:16

and crafted by our unique experiences

25:18

throughout life and most of

25:20

the time they're done on an unconscious

25:23

level . Using

25:25

the incredibly intelligent bodies that we do

25:27

, we need to first understand our

25:29

triggers , which takes a lot of hard

25:31

work , consistent and active self-reflection

25:33

every day , if not several times

25:36

a day . And secondly , we

25:38

need to teach ourselves how to come back into our

25:40

body and consciously calm it by

25:43

tapping into our parasympathetic

25:46

nervous system . From

25:48

first-hand experience , I can tell

25:50

you that this

25:53

first step is the hardest part . It

25:56

won't happen overnight , but I promise

25:58

it's one of the best things that you can

26:00

do for yourself , and it gets easier

26:03

and easier as your brain starts to understand

26:05

that your triggers are not necessarily a

26:07

physical and imminent danger . This

26:10

takes compassion , curiosity

26:13

and learning nervous system regulation

26:15

practices that work for you . Once

26:18

self-regulation becomes a habitual

26:21

practice , it continues to be

26:23

a lifelong journey of adaptation . You

26:26

can't control your thoughts , emotions and nervous

26:28

system 100% of the time , but

26:30

we can learn to become more conscious

26:32

and aware in order to manage them , not

26:35

control or perfect them

26:37

. But the key takeaway here

26:39

is management . Alright

26:42

. Second myth there's

26:45

only one way to express

26:47

emotion in an acceptable

26:49

manner . I'm gonna

26:51

keep this one short cause . Honestly , the answer

26:54

is just no . This

26:56

is just straight up wrong

26:58

. Everyone expresses

27:01

themselves differently and there are many ways to express

27:03

emotions . This is a concept

27:05

that asked me up so hard

27:07

. Growing up , I was constantly

27:09

misunderstood as having angry issues

27:11

and misinterpreted as an innately

27:13

angry person , but that

27:15

, honestly , couldn't be more opposite of who

27:18

I genuinely was and still am

27:20

. I was

27:22

really just a kid with a dysregulated nervous system

27:24

, with no tools to support my ADHD

27:27

and no understanding of

27:29

the expression of emotion . I wasn't

27:31

taught that and , to protect

27:34

myself from feeling so unworthy . I

27:36

really equipped myself with a lot of self-learned

27:38

, self-soothing behaviors and defense mechanisms

27:41

that created

27:43

a disconnect between myself

27:45

and anyone who got close . So

27:49

for anyone who really does know

27:51

me , they'd know that I'm naturally an

27:53

incredibly optimistic person

27:55

that likes to see the silver lining in

27:57

all people and experiences . Being

28:00

told that the expression of my anger made me

28:02

a bad kid , growing

28:05

into a negative person and

28:07

an adult pushed me to believe

28:09

that my character was flawed and

28:12

that my personality was like dark , explosive

28:14

and aggressive by nature , and

28:17

that perception kept me from

28:20

expressing my authentic self for

28:22

a long

28:24

time . So

28:27

the intention of this episode was

28:29

to prompt a process of reflection

28:31

for the listeners here , and I

28:34

feel like we've covered a lot of ground today . I would

28:38

like to get into more detail in a later episode

28:40

about taking action after making these reflections

28:43

in order to really move forward into the parts

28:45

of you that need to be challenged

28:48

, shattered , healed and reshaped

28:50

into a better version of yourself . For

28:55

me , the process of reflection and self-awareness

28:57

has been an ongoing journey over the last few

28:59

years , and I've really just

29:02

tapped into actively managing

29:04

emotions through nervous system regulation

29:06

thanks to recent

29:09

new understandings . I

29:12

do want to leave you with a quick thought and reflection that

29:14

might help you on just to

29:16

the start of this journey . So

29:19

, whenever you

29:21

have the chance , sit down and ask yourself these

29:24

questions . One what

29:26

emotion do you find yourself easily

29:29

feeling ? Overwhelmed by ? Sadness

29:32

, frustration , anger , fear . Those

29:34

are examples . Once

29:37

you write those down , or have that in mind

29:39

, remember you are not your

29:42

emotion and your behavior

29:44

does not define your

29:46

essence . Second

29:49

question open

29:52

up space for curiosity around

29:54

this emotion . Once

29:57

you find the emotion that stands out , ask

29:59

yourself this question . So

30:02

I'll use my own overwhelming emotion

30:05

as an example , which is anger

30:07

. So you'd

30:09

ask yourself the question if I am

30:11

not blank , for me it's anger . Who

30:14

am I and how

30:16

can I empower my authentic

30:18

self to overcome it ? The

30:22

last few thoughts I want to leave you here

30:24

with are things to

30:26

practice on a daily . If

30:29

you face conflict within yourself or

30:31

with others , if you find yourself

30:33

in a situation where you weren't able to

30:35

manage your nervous system effectively , or

30:38

perhaps you have an emotional blow up and

30:40

are feeling shame

30:42

, guilt and stuck in a pattern , here's

30:46

three simple steps to take to start rewiring

30:48

your brain to process , heal and finally

30:50

break the pattern . First

30:53

step is accountability . Need

30:56

I say more ? Examine

30:58

what your triggers were , where

31:00

they came from , and acknowledge any negative

31:02

behaviors that you may have responded with

31:04

. Again , remember you

31:06

are not your behavior , but taking

31:08

responsibility for them will help

31:11

yourself and others heal from

31:13

the harm that it may have caused . Two

31:16

validation Validate

31:18

the other's thoughts , feelings and emotions

31:21

. This is different than agreeing

31:23

with them . You don't have to be in agreement

31:25

in order to give validation . Everyone's

31:28

reality is their own and everyone's

31:30

subjective experiences are

31:32

valid , regardless of what happened . And

31:35

just as importantly , validate yourself

31:38

. Of course , finding the negative

31:40

behaviors to nip it in the butt for the future is

31:42

important in the first step in

31:44

taking accountability . But

31:46

your thoughts , feelings and emotions are also

31:48

valid . By giving yourself

31:51

this validation and grace , you're

31:53

giving yourself the opportunity to move past

31:55

it and heal . I

31:58

think people get stuck here , as I have , because

32:00

once they make the effort to validate another

32:02

, they sometimes expect or even demand

32:05

the same from the other person , and

32:08

when they don't receive it , it's like spiraling

32:11

back into negativity and all the

32:13

work you've done so far kind of goes

32:15

down the drain . So

32:17

the truth is you can't handle or

32:20

control how others respond or

32:22

what they say to you , especially during conflict

32:25

, due to the fact that everyone has their own shit

32:27

that they need to work on . But

32:29

the best thing you can do is to recognize what

32:32

your emotional needs are whether

32:34

it's forgiveness , validation , love

32:36

and give it to yourself in

32:39

order to be compassionate and pathetic and

32:41

the best version of you to be

32:43

a light for others to follow suit . The

32:46

final step of breaking out of your patterns

32:48

is to take action

32:50

. Okay , so

32:53

you've taken accountability . You

32:55

validated the other person and

32:57

received validation for

32:59

yourself , either on your own

33:01

or from the other person , and

33:03

all as well . Back to rainbows and butterflies

33:06

. No , each

33:08

and every conflict we encounter is a

33:10

lesson . In order to fully

33:13

integrate a lesson learned is

33:15

to take action for integrating it into

33:18

practice . Think about this

33:20

how much of the high school

33:22

curriculum do you really remember ? How

33:25

many of your university courses do

33:27

you integrate into your daily life ? Most

33:29

likely , the answer would be not much , if

33:32

not any . Why ? Because

33:34

we go to school . We go to sit in lectures

33:37

, we read textbooks , books , we

33:39

learn all these concepts , we

33:42

reflect on it , we maybe

33:44

write a few essays , do a couple assignments

33:47

and then you cram large

33:49

amounts of information into your brain

33:51

overnight . We pass the test and then

33:53

it's over , yay , okay . Well

33:55

, we don't put these concepts

33:58

into practice , we don't use it every

34:00

day , we don't take action . The

34:02

brain doesn't wire itself with just reading

34:05

a concept and remembering it . It molds

34:07

itself through lived

34:09

experiences . So

34:12

take action

34:15

after each and

34:17

every lesson you have . Depending

34:20

on your learning style , you may have to write down a plan

34:22

of action or you may need to write

34:24

reminders on your walls , on the mirrors

34:26

, to practice breathing

34:29

through high stress moments , practice

34:31

compassion , practice

34:33

self-love , practice

34:35

listening to others . With

34:38

each action , that's one

34:41

step closer towards a thought , a

34:43

feeling , a perspective to

34:45

change completely for

34:48

lifelong embodiment . I

34:51

did wanna do an entire episode on somatic

34:53

embodiment for expressing emotion

34:56

in different , healthy ways , as I've mentioned

34:58

. So stay tuned for that in the near future

35:00

. And finally , as

35:02

a last thought , when in doubt , please

35:05

, please , please , practice

35:08

curiosity . Have

35:11

curiosity when an overwhelming

35:13

emotion comes up . Have curiosity

35:16

when an unwanted thought comes up

35:18

. Have curiosity when

35:20

someone reacts negatively or

35:22

behaves in a way that hurts you , because

35:26

curiosity is a powerful transformative

35:29

tool to open up yourself to new

35:31

perspectives and shifting patterns

35:34

that do not serve your authentic

35:36

essence . So

35:42

I think I'll leave it at that , just

35:47

a quick update before we head out , though . There

35:49

has been a bit of a revamp of

35:51

the podcast while I've

35:54

been quiet the last month , so

35:56

stay tuned to see some of these changes

35:58

. I will be posting

36:00

more advice , tips and tricks , tools , et cetera

36:03

on social media , so

36:05

if you haven't already , go follow

36:07

Ninji Flows on Instagram

36:09

and Ninji Flows same thing

36:12

on TikTok . I'll leave the links

36:14

in the show notes . I

36:16

am also super , super

36:18

, super excited to make the

36:20

first ever announcement of my Rise

36:22

Up 44 Day Guide . It's

36:26

available for free . If you wanna

36:28

start implementing habits before

36:30

or in the new year in small ways

36:32

, you can go to my website , wwwgemini-risecollectivecom

36:39

, and if you subscribe

36:42

, put in your email address

36:44

there we will send you your

36:46

free download . Once you've

36:48

tried it , you'll like what you see and

36:50

you want a more guided , extensive experience

36:52

in your self-development journey . I'm

36:55

launching the Rise Up 44 Day Program

36:57

that includes an e-book

37:00

prompting you through

37:02

authentic self-discovery journey

37:05

nervous system regulation

37:08

, on-demand movement library

37:10

, guided meditations , mantras

37:12

, nutrition guide

37:15

, the science of setting and reaching

37:17

your goals and a bunch of other holistic

37:19

practices to integrate into your daily life

37:21

without massive overnight

37:23

changes , because new years , new

37:25

me . Overnight goal

37:27

setting actions don't

37:31

do very well statistically

37:33

, and this is all about daily

37:35

integration and

37:38

making small steps into

37:40

long-term sustainable practices

37:43

. So keep

37:45

your ears open for more information to come in the

37:47

new year . If you're on my email list

37:49

, you'll be getting some crazy

37:51

discounts on this program . If

37:53

you aren't a subscriber , go to my sub-stack

37:55

at Gemini Rise

37:58

Collective , on the show notes

38:00

, again to get access

38:02

to these discounts , plus weekly

38:04

reflection , prompts , mantras

38:06

, exclusive news and so much more

38:08

up my sleeve for 2024 . Again

38:11

, the 44 Day Guide is

38:13

available for free on

38:16

the website www . geminirisecollective

38:19

lijnk in show notes and

38:22

I will see you in the next episode

38:25

. Merry Christmas , happy

38:27

new year , happy Hanukkah , all the things

38:29

. See you later .