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HAPPIER. Hello,

1:13

we're here for More Happier, a podcast

1:16

where we get more happier. Join

1:18

us for some weekend listening as

1:20

we kick back and get more

1:23

happier. Hey, Elizabeth. Hi, Gretch. Today

1:25

we'll talk about our three-word descriptions

1:27

of our personal aesthetic and why

1:30

having a new identity makes us

1:32

happier. But first, something making us

1:34

more happier. Elizabeth, what is making

1:36

you more happier? Well, Gretch, speaking

1:39

of those three words, I

1:41

have been made more happier by all the listeners

1:44

who have written in to talk

1:46

to me about my personal style.

1:48

I was talking on the More

1:50

Happier recently about how much I

1:52

admire Jenna Lyons and her personal

1:54

style and how I

1:56

want style. So now

1:58

I am identifying. my personal

2:00

aesthetic. Okay. This is according

2:02

to Alison Bornstein, who's a

2:05

stylist. People wrote to

2:07

me about, we've actually talked

2:09

about her before, she has

2:11

the wrong shoe theory. Oh

2:13

yeah. She says, the idea

2:15

is that you choose three

2:17

adjectives, one practical, one aspirational,

2:19

one emotional, but encapsulate the

2:21

way you want to show

2:23

up in the world. Okay,

2:26

well that sounds very engaging.

2:28

Yes. Okay, so this

2:30

is how you identify what it

2:32

is that you want from your style. So

2:34

I've been debating this, discussed it

2:37

on my hikes, talked about it

2:39

with Sarah. Here are the three

2:41

words that I have currently landed

2:43

on. Okay. The words are current,

2:46

clean, and confident.

2:49

Well I like the alliteration, that's very next

2:51

level. Did you do that on purpose or

2:54

did that happen? I can never resist. And

2:56

of course it's a C, which is also

2:58

craft. Yeah, okay. So my

3:00

friend Jessica came up with current,

3:02

and I think clean, and then

3:04

I had confidence. So I would

3:06

say the practical word

3:08

is clean, the

3:10

aspirational word is current,

3:14

and confident is the emotional word. I don't

3:16

know if confidence is an emotion, but it's

3:18

a state of being, that's for

3:20

sure. Yeah, that's interesting. And

3:23

it is interesting about current, because that's one

3:25

thing I've noticed about you, you will say

3:28

like, oh everybody's doing this, or like this

3:30

kind of gene is very much in style.

3:32

You notice that much more than I do.

3:34

So I've noticed that you are very interested

3:36

in what's current. Yes, I am. Hopefully not

3:39

trendy exactly, but you know current with the

3:41

fashions. So those are

3:43

my three words Gretchen. What

3:45

would your three words be?

3:47

Okay, well inspired by alliteration

3:49

also, I would say

3:52

simple, sophisticated, and

3:54

saturated. Okay, by saturated

3:57

I mean, because you know I got

3:59

so. into color. Yes. And

4:01

you know, I live in New York City and it's

4:03

a whole thing that people wear black all the time.

4:05

And black certainly is extremely practical because

4:07

things go together and they don't

4:09

look dirty. But I just realized

4:12

like I'm just craving color. So

4:14

saturated is kind of that gave me that

4:17

S sound. And I don't mean colorful like

4:19

bright patterns because I tend to not wear

4:21

patterns. I tend to wear things that are

4:23

monochromatic which is maybe goes to the simple.

4:25

Yeah. So my practical is

4:27

simple. My aspirational is

4:29

sophisticated. And I think weirdly saturated

4:32

is emotional because I do it

4:34

because it gives me pleasure. It

4:36

like lifts me up like a

4:38

chartreuse dress. Yes. So

4:41

it doesn't sound like an emotional word

4:43

but it actually is kind of emotional

4:45

for me. When I think of you

4:47

as wearing color, when I was thinking

4:49

about your words, color definitely was one

4:51

of them. And it's

4:53

interesting in doing this exercise, what

4:55

I've realized is, so people who

4:57

have a very specific style, it's

4:59

super easy to come up with their

5:01

words. It was not

5:03

easy to come up with my words

5:05

which shows that I really don't have

5:07

a personal style. Interesting. So this is

5:10

what I'm now moving towards. I hope

5:12

that I can evolve into this and

5:15

we'll see if my words stay the same or

5:17

change but this is where I

5:19

am now. Well, first of all, I

5:21

wanna do a hacks, a style hacks

5:24

segment coming up because you got so many

5:26

style hacks. I feel like we need more

5:28

style hacks. It's good style hacks. But I think

5:30

the true test of this is gonna be, does

5:33

it guide your decision? Yes.

5:36

So when we do this, we'll wait a bit, we'll

5:38

let it sit with you and me and

5:41

see if we do anything differently because I

5:43

think, is it a guiding principle? Interesting.

5:46

Yes. I feel like there could be a

5:49

mug too. I like current, clean and confident.

5:51

Yes, no, they are good words. Well, how

5:53

everyone send us your style hacks, please. We

5:56

need more, more and more and more style hacks.

5:58

That's excellent. All right, Gretsch, what is making? you

6:00

more happier? Okay, I am happy

6:02

because I love talking

6:04

about my book life and finances and

6:07

I'm excited to hit the road. I've got

6:09

a couple events coming up. Yeah, so I'm

6:11

going to be going to Atlanta, Georgia June

6:13

6th, Karras Books and More at First Baptist

6:16

Church of Decatur and

6:18

June 7th, Dallas and Interrobang

6:20

Books. Cannot wait for these.

6:22

Anybody who wants details or

6:24

information, it's at happiercast.com book

6:26

events. I love going to any

6:29

book event, whether it's for my book or someone

6:31

else's book. So that's going to be really fun.

6:33

Oh, and by the way, people are asking if

6:35

I'm still offering book plates. Yes, if you want

6:37

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6:39

US and Canada, just go to happiercast.com

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book plate. I do those all the

6:43

time. So, yeah. That's so fun,

6:46

Gretch. Back on the road. Back on

6:48

the road. Atlanta and Dallas. It's going

6:50

to be fun. All right, coming up,

6:52

there's something you've been meaning to ask

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apply. Okay, Gretchen, we're back and there's

9:22

something you've been meaning to ask me. Fun question. Yes. Okay.

9:26

So this is a fun question that I asked on

9:28

social media and it is what fictional

9:32

universe would you want to

9:34

spend time in? And it's just fun to talk about this

9:36

with other people. Now, when I first read this question, I

9:38

was thinking of a fantasy universe. It doesn't have to be

9:40

a fantasy universe. It

9:43

just has to be a fictional universe. But Alyssa, I want to hear

9:45

what you have to say, but

9:47

first I have to say that Rebecca on social media, I

9:49

loved her answer. She

9:51

said, I want to visit fantasy

9:53

Island as Written by Liz

9:55

and Sarah. So Somebody wants to enter your

9:57

fictional universe, which I love. The

10:00

going to that the whole universe that is

10:02

see a nice of is a very nice

10:04

universe. I like to think that Elaine Aurora

10:07

is still out there are granting people's fantasy.

10:09

Had her gorge of white suit absolutely that's

10:11

have been fictional universe and you're you're kind

10:13

of and in advance because you actually creates

10:16

a slow universes would then you do sort

10:18

of inhabit in your imagination what is somebody

10:20

else has six know universe that you would

10:22

like to enter into reverse when you ask

10:25

me this. The first thing that popped in

10:27

my mind was Mad Man Rule which is

10:29

interesting. As of course was a

10:31

very massage and mystic time ago

10:33

so it's not exactly where you'd

10:36

think a woman would want to

10:38

hop back to, but you know

10:40

I just love that show so

10:42

much saw that I would just

10:44

be interested to be there and

10:46

experience and an experience. That and

10:48

it was obviously a time of

10:50

huge chains yeah in our country

10:53

so was very interesting time. Yeah.

10:55

So. It's a world that you would

10:57

like to explore. yes the world I

10:59

would like to explore you know as

11:01

Jack this question in a person driving

11:03

school question yes and he said probably

11:05

Star Wars Oh interesting which is a

11:08

good one. It was interesting because I

11:10

thought he would say some sort of

11:12

video game but I got a lot

11:14

of the video games are so a

11:16

harrowing that maybe you wouldn't want to

11:18

actually enter the world although Star Wars

11:20

is pretty harrowing so but also live

11:22

with a video game he sort of

11:24

are entering. The world and away

11:26

that's true especially with virtual reality.

11:29

The didn't you that of the

11:31

Disney Star Wars Stay Sin or

11:33

whatever what's it called Yes or

11:35

their Star Wars landed does the

11:37

on we went to the cantina

11:39

have recreated the cantina it's is

11:41

so cool Yeah and they have

11:43

a ride that yes is very

11:46

much entering the world so maybe

11:48

of yes that sparks his interests

11:50

while enlightened by senses I was

11:52

I wrote about like help people

11:54

have anything immersive. Like if you just

11:56

described something as immersive pupils as flock to

11:58

it and leave. It is. Isn't this idea

12:00

of often? It's about entering a fictional universe?

12:03

a school however you graduate. Are you want

12:05

to answer? I imagine you have a lot

12:07

of world you'd like to enter. Yes or

12:09

one is Fantasy Island. Of course because I love

12:11

that world I would love to get my with. Granted.

12:14

I would love to visit Narnia. That's

12:16

a world that I love or like

12:18

the world between the worlds Harry Potter

12:20

Doubt it's interesting on social media. I

12:23

mention that I would like to visit

12:25

The House from Susanna Clarke. Pure an

12:27

Easy which is a book that I

12:29

love for like five times and somebody

12:31

said oh to me the House seemed

12:34

very threatening which was interesting because to

12:36

me it seemed like very pure and

12:38

beautiful and appealing. But I can see

12:40

it's also kind of a dangerous place

12:42

and the person. And where I want

12:45

to get into a So that was interesting

12:47

that it's something that to me felt like

12:49

a place that I wanted to visit that

12:51

is somebody else. It did not feel appealing.

12:53

So those are the ones I would go

12:55

to. language Other sort of world's I can

12:58

imagine people wanting to enter a Pride and

13:00

Prejudice Yes, some sort of Jane Austen world

13:02

yard. The Shy Yard of the Rings? Yeah,

13:04

of course I was also thinking about certain

13:06

world's I would absolutely not once and through.

13:08

like what? what Game of Thrones? I love

13:11

the hot wanna go to West Throws? I

13:13

do not. Want to be in King's

13:15

Landing? yeah seems very scary and data

13:17

as I guess maybe if I could

13:19

write a dragon I should get yourself

13:21

doing that. yeah but I would just

13:24

be worried of I'd get beheaded any

13:26

moment with didn't syrian say something like

13:28

about the wall like it was beautiful

13:30

and like a brutally uncomfortable for hims

13:32

last six yeah yeah I wanna I

13:35

wanna visited in imagination but now I

13:37

with. Hundreds so of. Didn't

13:39

have like a basket you described as

13:41

very Game of Thrones. It was kind

13:43

of like so first yes length as

13:46

it was not simple, sophisticated or saturated

13:48

notoriety. Why I think it ended up

13:50

in our costume box and actually and

13:52

is use this is I think it

13:54

was warm though which is. Also.

13:56

will be one of your words blood's

13:59

warm yup I do like warm.

14:01

Another reason I don't want to be a

14:03

Game of Thrones. It looks very cold. Yeah.

14:05

Okay. Well, it's a fun question to think

14:08

about. Super fun. Okay, Gretch, what is your

14:10

spotlight on a tool this week? Okay. I

14:12

have this super cool new tool on

14:14

my website. It's an AI chat feature.

14:16

It's called the happiness helpline, and

14:19

it's limited to my books, my

14:21

articles, our podcast episodes to answer

14:24

questions about happiness. And it's

14:26

super fun because it's just very limited. But

14:28

if you have a question or you're looking

14:30

for something, it's just a very easy tool

14:32

to use. If you just go to gretchenrubin.com

14:35

or happiercast.com, you'll see it on your home

14:37

screen in the bottom right hand

14:39

corner on gretchenrubin.com. Or if

14:42

you go to the Happier app, if

14:44

you use the Happier app, it's on

14:46

the home screen of the Happier app.

14:48

Speaking of alliteration, happiness helpline. So what's

14:50

a sample question? Like you could say,

14:52

what are tips for starting a new

14:54

habit? And it would say, do these

14:56

15 things. Right. Or how

14:58

do I know if I'm a questioner? It'll

15:01

generate an answer, but it will also like point

15:03

you to links and things like that. And so

15:05

it can help guide you

15:07

to either a short answer, if it's

15:09

a short answer or to like a

15:12

longer piece, if you're one, like read more about it.

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15:16

something like that? It might be quick hacks, but then

15:18

you're like, well, actually there's a whole article on that.

15:20

Let me read the whole article. So, or like looking

15:22

for a podcast episode where they talked about 24

15:25

for 24. It's just a different way of

15:27

using it. And you know, as always with AI,

15:29

it's trying its best, but

15:32

it's a machine. It's not me. Right. So

15:34

it's really a research tool though. A good

15:36

research tool. Interactive to help you find what

15:38

you're looking for. So anyway, and yeah, let

15:41

me, and I'm excited to hear what people

15:43

think of it so I could still tinker

15:45

around with it. So anybody who uses it,

15:47

let me know if it's useful or if

15:49

it's not useful. Great. Okay, Gretch,

15:52

coming up, there's something you've been meaning to

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tell me, but first this break. Gretch,

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we are back. What have you been meaning

19:17

to tell me? Okay, so when we talk

19:19

about happiness, there's feeling good, feeling bad, feeling

19:21

right in an atmosphere of growth. And we talk so

19:23

much about an atmosphere of growth. And

19:26

one of the things that I realized is really

19:28

exciting about having an atmosphere of growth is when

19:30

you get a new identity. So like, Elizabeth, you're

19:32

like, I'm doing orange theory, right? Now you're the

19:34

kind of person who does orange theory, and that's

19:37

a new identity. It's not the hugest identity. It's

19:39

not like being a pet owner

19:41

or something like that, which was also

19:43

a new identity. Yes, dog lover, a

19:45

dog lover. It's exciting. Or like corgi

19:47

nation. There are all these identities that

19:49

just give us that feeling of an

19:51

atmosphere of growth or new possibilities for

19:53

ourselves. And so I had this

19:55

experience. And it's funny because it shows that

19:57

sometimes you can have an identity, but You

20:00

don't feel it until you acknowledge it. A

20:02

friend of mine once said she'd been doing

20:04

yoga super consistently for five

20:06

years. She said, well, I wouldn't describe myself

20:08

as a person who does yoga. It was

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almost like she was too modest and she

20:13

thought she had to be an instructor or

20:15

an expert or something. I'm like, you're absolutely

20:17

the kind of person who does yoga. That's

20:19

an identity that you can assume because you

20:21

do do yoga. So an identity

20:23

that I had not officially assumed is

20:25

I have a newsletter. So I've had

20:27

a newsletter for years. I

20:30

love my newsletter. I've had different iterations. Actually,

20:32

this year, one of my themes was convergence

20:35

because they'd sort of scattered and I needed

20:37

to get them organized and cleaned up. But

20:40

I didn't think of myself as like, I

20:42

am a person who has a newsletter. But

20:44

now I feel like in the world, having

20:46

a newsletter is much more of a thing.

20:49

So that got me interested in it. And then

20:51

I went to a conference. And this to me

20:53

was like the moment that I adopted

20:55

the identity. So as a separate kind of example,

20:57

I remember that the moment where I felt like,

21:00

wow, maybe I really am a writer is when

21:02

I got an agent. That was the moment where

21:04

I'm like, okay, somebody is like betting

21:06

on me. And so now I feel like I could really do

21:08

this thing. And going to a conference,

21:10

it was like, I think you call yourself

21:12

an operator. I am a newsletter operator. I

21:15

have a newsletter. And it's funny

21:17

because it's not like I do anything more

21:19

than what I've been doing for years. But

21:22

suddenly, I feel like it's floating

21:25

above my head as

21:27

this invisible planet in my solar system

21:29

in a way that it wasn't before. And

21:32

strangely, even though again, I'm not

21:34

doing anything different, I feel enlarged.

21:37

I feel like this is a

21:39

part of my identity in a way

21:41

that it wasn't before. Again, even though

21:43

I was doing it, it's strange. Well,

21:45

I love that there's a newsletter conference.

21:48

This also, Gretch, to go back

21:50

a few years, podcaster. Oh, yeah.

21:53

That was an identity that we

21:55

both adopted. And I would say

21:57

we went to a conference in

21:59

Dallas. And I think that

22:01

was when it sparked me really saying, okay,

22:03

I'm a podcast now, just like all these

22:06

other people. And we had our t-shirts with

22:08

our logo on it. I mean, we were

22:10

like, we're here, we're doing this thing. And

22:13

that's the moment where it felt like this

22:15

isn't just something that we're doing, this

22:17

is an identity that we identify with.

22:19

That may be a reason why moms

22:21

often like to go, I did this,

22:23

I went to a class when Jack

22:26

was just a infant with

22:28

other new moms. And you learn things

22:30

and also you talk about sleep and

22:33

all that. But also I think it did

22:35

help me embrace my identity as

22:37

a mother to be saying like,

22:39

I'm at the mother class. Now

22:42

I am. That is so

22:44

interesting. Right,

22:47

because it's partly that you

22:49

wanna embrace them. And it's

22:51

funny that sometimes it takes

22:53

work or you don't automatically

22:55

know it. Or you wanna

22:58

feel like it's part of you in a

23:00

new way. And I also think having an

23:02

identity then spurs you to

23:05

do things toward that identity. Example

23:07

being mahjong. I like

23:09

to identify as a mahjong player.

23:12

But to do so, I have to actually

23:14

make sure games happen. And

23:16

I have to show up to games. Or

23:19

else I can no longer call myself

23:21

a mahjong player. So it

23:23

makes me want to do the thing.

23:25

I can't say I'm a hiker if

23:27

I never go on hikes. Right. So

23:30

it helps you motivate to do the

23:32

things you wanna do. Well and that's

23:35

particularly important for rebels. Because rebels, that

23:37

is the thing that makes them do

23:39

it. It's like I'm an artist, I'm

23:41

an environmentalist, I'm an athlete, I'm a

23:44

responsible parent. For them that is super

23:46

important. But you're right for all of us. And

23:49

then also I think it gives you a sense of

23:51

possibility. So when you and I started doing live events,

23:53

not even our live tour, when we just did those

23:55

one off live events that we did. I mean part

23:57

of it is we were like, this is part of

24:00

the idea. identity of a podcaster. We

24:02

look around at the podcast we admire and

24:04

these people were doing live events and we

24:06

were like, we wanna ask that of ourselves

24:08

too because it seems like that's

24:10

the thing that the podcaster types are doing.

24:13

We wanna be like that ourselves, so we

24:15

need to demand this of ourselves and expect

24:17

it of ourselves in a way that was

24:19

really exciting. Yeah, I think adding new identities

24:22

is one of the best,

24:24

most happy, rich things to do

24:26

in life. Right, because it usually,

24:28

it often comes with relationships. It

24:31

comes with learning. It

24:33

comes with challenge. It comes with something

24:35

new. And it's also just

24:37

a sense of your own possibilities. It's really

24:39

exciting. So of course, if anybody wants

24:42

to read this newsletter, which is giving me so

24:44

much satisfaction, and which I've been working on

24:46

for years, if you go to gretchenrubin.com/newsletter, you

24:49

can sign up for it. I do

24:51

work really, really hard on it. It's

24:53

funny that I just, I just somehow

24:55

hadn't identified with it. It's funny. You

24:57

were doing it way before newsletters became

24:59

such a thing. Well, it seemed like

25:01

just part of the fabric didn't even

25:03

seem like a new thing. I think

25:05

that is a thousand percent correct. I

25:07

think it's because it was already so

25:09

much part of what I did. I

25:12

didn't pull it out until

25:14

this conference came. I think that's exactly right. It's

25:16

because it wasn't new. It already felt

25:18

like it was already happening. Yeah,

25:21

okay, interesting. Well, I love it. I love

25:23

identifying as a newsletter writer. Gretsch, what is

25:25

our quotation this week? Okay, this is a

25:27

quotation that I love, but there is a

25:30

word in it that I had to look

25:32

up. So in case you don't know this

25:34

word, it's a beautiful word. The word is

25:36

roof tree. And a roof

25:38

tree is a beam laid along the edge

25:40

where two sloping sides of a roof meet

25:43

at the top. It's the ridge pole of

25:45

a roof or like the primary beam. So if you're a

25:47

little kid and you're drawing like a triangle

25:49

of a roof, it's that top part is

25:51

the roof tree. And so this is

25:53

a quotation from William Maxwell's novel, Time

25:55

Will Darken It. The

25:58

house next door is not. the

26:00

sanctuary it at first appears to

26:02

be. If you reach the

26:04

stage where you are permitted to enter without

26:07

knocking, you are also expected

26:09

to come oftener and to penetrate

26:11

farther and in the end

26:13

share, along with the permanent

26:15

inhabitants, the weight of the

26:17

roof tree. That is a

26:19

beautiful quote and a beautiful word. Yes.

26:22

Well Elizabeth, are you feeling more

26:24

happier? Yes, I am feeling more

26:26

happier. Thanks to Chuck,

26:29

get in touch Gretchen's on

26:31

threads, TikTok, Facebook and Instagram

26:33

at Gretchen Rubin and I'm

26:35

on threads and Instagram at

26:37

Liz Craft. Our email address

26:39

is podcast at gretchenrubin.com and

26:42

for everything related to this

26:44

episode, links, photos and more

26:46

go to happiercast.com. Bye

26:48

Gretch. Bye Elizabeth. The best time

26:50

to start a happiness project is 20

26:52

years ago. The second best time is

26:55

now. So

27:07

Elizabeth, the fantasy island, like do you find

27:09

yourself thinking about it? Because I find myself

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thinking about it as if it is a

27:14

place with people in it that I wonder

27:16

about just sort of like the way I

27:18

wonder about people I went to college with.

27:21

It's funny. I do sometimes think about just

27:23

the third season. I think of it more

27:25

though in terms of the third season not

27:27

in terms of fantasy island. It's easy to

27:30

put myself there that's for sure. Interesting. It

27:32

was a lovely place. Even behind

27:34

the scenes it was a lovely place. We

27:36

were shooting on a gorgeous resort in

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