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Hey,

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everybody. Today, we are back

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On

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to the show.

1:05

From NPR, this is Invisibility.

1:08

I'm Kian Myakonuzzi. And I'm

1:10

Yoai Shah. So Yoai, it's

1:12

the holidays. How are you feeling?

1:15

I'm

1:15

feeling pretty

1:17

good. I'm excited for

1:19

some time off and, you know, just seeing

1:21

some family and

1:23

overeating. lot of overeating.

1:26

I'm excited about that. Not gonna lie.

1:28

The food of the holiday season is a highlight.

1:31

It is. It really is actually,

1:34

love the holidays. I mean, it it helps

1:36

me battle the early sunsets

1:39

and lack of daylight and cold

1:41

weather. Like, the holidays gets me through

1:43

it. But I totally

1:46

also understand that, you know, like,

1:48

the holidays can be complex. There's the

1:50

whole family piece because sometimes the holidays

1:52

feel like, they're filled with the people you

1:54

love. In other times, it feels

1:56

like the holiday is really marked by

1:58

who's not there. Totally.

2:02

And there's been just so much

2:04

loss in the last few years

2:06

collectively and individually

2:09

which brings us to today's

2:11

story. It's about that feeling

2:13

of absence, which could be so

2:15

heightened

2:16

around this time. Sometimes

2:18

we miss people because they passed

2:20

on. But what

2:22

happens when our loved ones are still

2:24

here? And I start to feel like strangers.

2:27

The story comes from BA Parker. You

2:30

may have heard it It first aired

2:32

in twenty nineteen. It all began

2:34

when two people Parker love started to

2:36

become unrecognizable to her.

2:38

And so Parker did something to try to hold

2:40

on to them. And stick around after

2:43

the story because we're gonna get an

2:45

update from Parker and chat with

2:47

her about the piece she made for us.

2:50

Alright.

2:51

Here's Parker.

2:54

Do

2:54

you worry about sometimes when

2:56

you forgetful?

2:57

Sometimes I I forget

3:00

I worry about, you know, when I

3:02

forget things.

3:04

they That's

3:06

my grams. She's ninety

3:08

six, and she's been diagnosed

3:10

with being, whoa,

3:12

ninety

3:13

six.

3:17

So I heard you getting the new refrigerator.

3:20

Yes.

3:23

Do you remember what it looks like?

3:27

I I forgot.

3:30

But whatever it is, I like

3:33

it.

3:37

On

3:37

both my mom the other day, she

3:39

said,

3:40

I miss my mommy, and

3:42

I told her, this is your

3:44

mom. It's just a different version.

3:47

She

3:47

didn't find it all that comforting, which

3:49

I understood because I

3:51

too found myself to squided by

3:54

these new versions of people I love.

4:04

Hello?

4:04

Hi.

4:05

May I please speak to John Parker?

4:07

John Parker. Hold on a second, please.

4:10

Mister Parker. Get up. Get

4:12

up. What's this? Hello?

4:17

Hey there. Hey, baby.

4:20

How are you? Fine.

4:22

You? I'm no kidding.

4:24

About four years ago, my dad

4:27

was diagnosed stage three vascular

4:29

dementia. It's the second most

4:31

common of the dimensions. Not as

4:33

glamorous as your Alzheimer's or

4:35

your Louis body. When it

4:37

comes to taking the light out of a parent's eyes,

4:39

it still does the trick.

4:42

My

4:43

dad's the one who gave me

4:45

my name. Britney.

4:47

Britney, if you ask my mom. It's

4:50

girly in a generic late

4:53

eighties kind of way. Like a white

4:55

cheerleader on save by the bell is

4:57

why I go by BA Parker, but

4:59

my dad he was

5:01

obsessed with this name. In

5:04

fact, he refused to

5:05

sign my birth certificate unless I

5:08

was given this

5:08

name. And now Who

5:11

is Britney? That's me.

5:13

Britney. Oh,

5:15

okay.

5:16

He doesn't even remember it.

5:20

My

5:21

parents divorced

5:24

when I was a kid and he didn't live with us.

5:26

Inevitably, a lot of our time was

5:28

spent on the phone. I still remember

5:30

six year old me used to call him at

5:32

two AM, to talk to him about what I

5:34

was watching on television while a house was

5:36

asleep.

5:36

Questions

5:38

like, what's an opera? Is

5:40

Melrose Place real? Or

5:42

was it vasectomy? He

5:44

always picked up and he always

5:47

answered matter of factly like I was

5:49

an adult. Now

5:52

my dad's seventy one, and he's the

5:54

one watching television. My

5:56

stepmother takes care of him while he lives

5:58

in a residential nursing home.

6:01

His new involuntary pass time

6:03

is watching Golden Girls in a living

6:05

room with nonverbal residents who

6:07

can't laugh at Dorothy and Sophia's antics.

6:09

I'll

6:10

let you go back to sleep.

6:12

Oh,

6:12

I'll sleep. I'll

6:15

sit up here at TV,

6:18

you know,

6:18

waiting

6:20

for a couple of people to get here to get out

6:22

of here. Oh, okay.

6:27

I

6:27

started recording the conversations with my

6:29

dad about two years ago, after

6:32

hearing nurses in the background making fun of

6:34

him. I thought as an added

6:36

bonus, I might get a glimpse of my

6:38

old dad who

6:39

knew me. You

6:40

need anything?

6:41

Yes. But

6:44

you need? You. Me?

6:47

Yes. And even

6:49

when it started to slip and he couldn't

6:51

quite call up my name, I

6:53

told myself, he knows

6:55

me, but he can't form the words

6:57

to say that he knows me. Like

7:00

from the tip of tongue, but it comes out

7:02

niece or broccoli.

7:05

Hey. I'm a skip.

7:07

Yep. Wonder how you doing, dude.

7:10

What's the best for you? I love you.

7:13

And you are the best.

7:15

Bye, Marie. Talk to you soon, girl.

7:19

After a while, I started to let

7:21

go a little and make up new versions

7:23

of myself. Whimsical

7:25

life updates. I

7:27

tell him I was getting engaged to a

7:29

war photographer and that he and I

7:31

just bought a parakeet named Gino.

7:34

Told him that taking a sight seeing trip to Havana

7:36

with a group of elderly nuns who'd

7:38

prayed over me, so he didn't have to

7:40

worry about me anymore. And

7:42

it worked for a while.

7:46

But now it's undeniable. He

7:48

doesn't remember six year old shaved

7:50

eyebrows me, a twelve year

7:52

old quiz bowl team me or

7:55

fake lemurs wore bride me either.

7:57

More often than not,

8:00

That confuses me with my older

8:01

half brother. Okay.

8:03

You take care. I love you. Alright.

8:05

Love you too. Alright. Bye

8:07

bye. Bye bye. Who

8:09

are you talking to?

8:12

Who

8:12

are you talking to my son?

8:16

A

8:16

few months ago, I walked into

8:18

the nursing home. I signed

8:20

in and I sat next to him

8:22

while he kept his eyes closed. The

8:25

only acknowledgment I got from him

8:27

was yes, dear. When

8:29

I went to side out, I

8:31

noticed I'd only been there for nine minutes.

8:33

And I slunk out the door

8:35

and shame.

8:37

How

8:39

can I help you? Hi. May

8:41

I please speak to John Parker? I

8:43

guess

8:44

I keep trying to record because

8:47

he's my dad, you know?

8:48

He's actually not here at

8:51

the moment.

8:53

And

8:53

what am I supposed to do? I

8:55

can't find really any

8:57

version of him to hold on to, and

9:00

I can't get over the fact that there's

9:02

a person I'm becoming in the world

9:04

that he won't know.

9:08

Hi. May I please speak to

9:10

John Parker? He's out

9:13

for the day care.

9:15

Hi.

9:18

Hi. May I please speak to

9:19

John Parker? He's right now.

9:21

I'm having dinner.

9:25

Hello.

9:25

Hi. May I please speak to John

9:28

Parker?

9:28

Yeah. He's

9:30

not understanding how to speak. He's

9:32

a little confused about Yep.

9:37

Oh, okay. Well, I'll I'll check I'll try

9:39

in

9:39

tomorrow.

9:49

Hello? Hey, Graham.

9:52

Hi, Brandon. With

9:54

my grams, I can feel her grasping

9:56

to hold on to me, so it

9:59

keeps me trying

9:59

to. She

10:01

forgets what day it is or where she

10:03

is or if she had dinner,

10:06

but she

10:06

can always find some version of

10:08

me.

10:09

In Georgia. Did that short stay be

10:11

heavy every day? Yeah.

10:13

I'm sorry. It was

10:14

so short, grammy. Yeah.

10:16

We're lucky and safe. And it'd

10:18

be good. I would And

10:20

you know where my mom would

10:21

love your niche.

10:26

For a 95th birthday,

10:28

I got my grandma's a journal with

10:30

the hopes that she carried around the house

10:32

with

10:32

her and write down things a little

10:35

remembering she

10:36

told that's what she'd been doing.

10:37

I did something for my

10:39

wrist, but I don't know what. The

10:42

wrist. This is

10:44

your wrist. I don't know,

10:46

but it hurt. He got

10:48

into vicks.

10:50

And that had come to Grammy sit and helped

10:52

sort out her mail. Only to find

10:54

that her journal was empty. Then,

10:57

on the back of a Sears bill,

10:59

I noticed something. February

11:01

eighth twenty eighteen. Today,

11:04

I talked to Brit. She said her

11:06

wrist is sore.

11:06

source I told

11:07

her to rub it in some vicks, and that should

11:10

take

11:10

the soreness out of it. She was

11:12

writing

11:12

down on phone calls on the nearest thing

11:14

she could find, trying to hang on

11:16

to little Britney, trying

11:18

to hang on to her teacher self,

11:21

writing in her intricate, perfect

11:23

cursive.

11:26

January knife, twenty eighteen.

11:28

Talk to Brit today. She

11:30

said it's cold there like it is here.

11:32

She

11:33

said she is keeping warm.

11:34

May

11:36

fourth, start reading the book

11:38

of Ruth so I can

11:39

discuss it with Britney. She has

11:41

to read it too. February

11:43

ninth twenty eighteen. I

11:45

talked to Brit today. I asked her

11:47

if she was making enough money to take care

11:49

of herself.

11:50

She said no. She

11:53

needs to make more money.

11:58

Truth be told,

11:59

these notes broke my heart a little.

12:02

Because you could

12:02

see the strain. These

12:04

were

12:04

things that in years past, she would remember

12:07

so easily and not need to

12:09

ride down. But here she

12:11

was trying to hold on to the version

12:13

of her that took care of me.

12:15

And something about that allowed

12:18

me to let go. And

12:20

become a new thing I'd never been,

12:22

the person who takes care of her.

12:25

Do

12:26

you get sometimes, get confused?

12:28

yeah Yep. And

12:30

how do you feel?

12:33

Scared. You

12:36

get to talk to anybody?

12:39

Sometimes I do, and

12:42

sometimes I don't.

12:44

But

12:44

How come

12:46

out of it? Is it

12:48

good to have me or mom there?

12:51

Mhmm. Is that

12:52

why you called sometimes? Oh,

12:55

I called you? Yeah.

12:58

Mhmm. I got

13:00

you. Mhmm.

13:04

Yeah. What are you up to the

13:06

day?

13:08

With dementia, the rare

13:11

moments of clarity can hit brightly

13:13

and sporadically. Of finding a

13:15

dollar bill and a worn pair of jeans.

13:18

On one recent call, grams

13:20

began reminiscing about a train

13:22

ride. Me, her and my mom,

13:23

from Baltimore to Los Angeles when I was

13:26

a toddler. I wake

13:28

up more than you look at. I was sitting next to

13:30

a vendor on the train.

13:33

And

13:33

it was all clear and everything.

13:35

This sounds like the old grams.

13:37

The one

13:38

whose memories are still sharp and

13:41

vivid. I was about to hang up

13:43

when exams remembers one more

13:45

thing.

13:45

Well, you did

13:47

it most of the night.

13:50

I was just on a seat. You know, they

13:52

had double seats. You were

13:54

on everything and you slept.

13:57

Most and

13:59

lights. And then it

14:02

hits me. This is how we

14:04

stay connected.

14:05

She summons up a piece of me I never even

14:07

knew about, and I summon her back

14:09

up as the keeper of family memories.

14:12

It's much less lonely this way.

14:21

How

14:21

things are going? It's

14:22

going alright. I

14:25

know those memories are somewhere

14:27

inside my dad. There are no

14:29

magic words to bring him back.

14:32

But once in a while, there's a

14:34

melody.

14:36

To fill the silence, starting visits with my dad,

14:39

I started playing the drifters,

14:41

the sixties doop group.

14:43

They loved the song called

14:45

I've had sand in my shoes,

14:47

which I know has a funny story

14:49

attached to it that I can't remember and

14:51

the only person I can't ask

14:53

thinks he's talking to my fifty year old

14:55

brother. But not long ago,

14:57

I played him the song and

15:00

I saw the hint of a smile on

15:02

my dad's

15:02

face. Then

15:04

all of a sudden, the

15:07

clouds briefly parted and

15:09

my dad started singing

15:11

the words

15:29

he might not have known where he

15:31

was or what day it was.

15:33

Before a moment, he seemed

15:35

to know who I was.

15:37

When

15:39

I said, hi dad, he

15:42

took my hand and

15:43

he kissed it.

15:45

And I was just his daughter,

15:47

Britney, again.

15:50

Hey, babe.

16:04

That

16:05

was BA Parker. Since

16:08

first airing this story, Parker's

16:11

dad and grandma both died. After

16:13

the break, Parker will join us to

16:15

chat about the story And what

16:17

it's like to listen to the

16:18

recordings now?

16:21

So

16:21

BA Parker is in the studio with

16:23

us today. She recently became a co

16:26

host of Code Switch and Some

16:27

of you might remember she used to work with us.

16:30

Hey Parker. Hello, ladies.

16:32

Parker. Welcome back. Thanks for

16:35

having me. So we know

16:37

Parker that you lost your dad and

16:39

your grandma within a year of each other

16:41

shortly after this story came out.

16:43

And we can only imagine how difficult that

16:45

was, and we're really sorry. Yeah. We're

16:47

so sorry. Oh, thank you.

16:49

And I know that they both played

16:51

like a really big role and raising you

16:53

and making you who you are. And

16:55

then you started recording them about

16:57

like four years or so before

16:59

they died. It's such

17:01

a beautiful portrait of them,

17:03

but like in this way, that can also feel,

17:05

I imagine, maybe a tiny

17:08

bit painful or difficult,

17:09

mhmm, what is it like

17:10

to sort of remember them in

17:13

this very specific way?

17:15

I

17:15

mean, I started recording them

17:19

because

17:20

they both had Dementia.

17:24

And there was this feeling that, like,

17:26

time was running out. And

17:29

with both of them now gone, they're,

17:32

you know, they are priceless.

17:35

These phone calls that I have with

17:37

them, especially

17:39

last year. I mean, my

17:41

My dad passed away Christmas of

17:43

twenty twenty from COVID. And

17:46

three months later, my grandmother

17:49

passed away. So

17:51

there was like a three month stretch there where I was

17:53

just, like, in charge of a lot

17:55

of, like, funerals. But

17:58

being able

17:58

to, like,

17:59

lay in bed and be able to press play

18:02

and play a conversation I had

18:04

with my grandma, like,

18:04

a year before Like,

18:08

really

18:08

like, I mean, here's the thing. If

18:11

you wanna sob in your

18:13

bed, That's

18:15

straight to teotail. Straight to teotail, put

18:17

the earbuds in and just pretend

18:19

that you're on the phone with your creative

18:22

Oh. You

18:25

know, I think that when

18:27

we lose people, it's a thing

18:29

to go back to photos because

18:31

I feel like lots of people have

18:32

photos of loved ones. But

18:35

audio recordings, not so

18:38

much. I'm wondering, did

18:40

it feel different

18:42

listening

18:42

to those audio recordings than

18:44

looking at photos of your

18:46

grandma and and dad? Oh,

18:48

for sure. I mean, when

18:50

I immediately after

18:52

she had passed away, and I was like, I was

18:54

in bed, like, I turned on the the

18:56

phone call they're both on the phone calls. It

18:59

was kinda like, you know, she was there.

19:01

Like, I was on the phone with my grandma's,

19:03

you know, She's like, oh, I'm watching

19:05

doctor Phil and eating the

19:07

sandwich. But I had

19:09

also like, I hadn't moved away.

19:11

So most of my interactions with my

19:13

dad and with my grandmother

19:14

were through the phone.

19:17

So it was kind

19:18

of how our relationship

19:20

was at this point, as an

19:22

adult adult, and

19:23

also she's like a

19:25

sweet old lady voice and you

19:28

can't really see a sweet old lady

19:30

voice in a in

19:32

a picture. Mhmm. Yeah. Mhmm.

19:34

Were these interviews or were they just kinda

19:36

casual conversations? It they were interviews, do you feel like you

19:38

learned something different by having this type of

19:41

engagement with them? I mean,

19:42

they were

19:43

more so, like, they're

19:45

also

19:45

casual conversations. I wasn't really interviewing

19:48

them. I think

19:50

it wasn't until there

19:53

was a conversation that

19:55

we used in story where my

19:59

grandmother finally kinda talks

20:02

about her dementia a little bit.

20:03

And I'm like, how do you feel when

20:05

you forget stuff? And she goes,

20:07

I'm scared. And that was the

20:09

first time I'd realized,

20:11

like, no one had ever asked her that

20:13

Like, what

20:15

went through your mind

20:16

when she said that? Oh, I started

20:19

crying. Like, I was just like,

20:21

oh, no. I

20:23

mean, my grandmother I lived with her

20:25

for a very long

20:25

time. I, like, I we took care of

20:28

each other. And

20:29

as someone who is, like, basically, like,

20:31

your second mom to be, like, oh, I'm I'm

20:33

I'm scared. And there's

20:35

no way to

20:38

and there's

20:40

nothing I can

20:40

do aside from

20:43

being a comfort. You

20:46

know, she's scared. Yes.

20:48

But, I mean, I think I say I

20:50

got you. Like, I'm with you.

20:52

That's, you know, all that I can do.

20:54

You know, I'm her grandkid and

20:55

I was there to, like, you know, put a

20:57

blanket on her and to sit with her and read

20:59

with her with her dementia. She just,

21:01

for the most part, she

21:04

sat in, like, this green,

21:07

like, old school seventies, green

21:09

swirly chair. And

21:11

looked out

21:11

a window to look at, like, the birds and the trees

21:13

and the cars that went past

21:15

because that was all she could, like,

21:18

really do. And, you know, sometimes she would

21:20

I knew that sometimes she would cry.

21:22

Like, she'd be in the room by herself and she'd just

21:25

start crying. And

21:29

I had to, you

21:31

know, she, like,

21:31

talking to me. So, like, like, exams

21:34

why are you why are you sad? What's going

21:36

on? And she's like, oh, I just seen

21:38

her. I miss people. I

21:40

miss everybody.

21:40

Because I

21:42

mean, she was ninety eight.

21:44

And my grandfather

21:46

had passed, like, all

21:48

of her brothers have passed. She had a sister in the past. Like,

21:50

oh, she missed her parents. Yeah. She

21:52

missed all these people and

21:54

she couldn't really articulate

21:56

that

21:57

feeling so

21:58

yeah. Like, I learned a lot about her. I learned a lot I

22:01

didn't I mean, I didn't with my poor dad,

22:03

I couldn't really his dementia

22:05

happened so quickly. Mhmm. I

22:08

have a brother who is much

22:11

older than me, and so I have

22:13

to sent

22:13

him messages to kind

22:16

of get my brother's memories.

22:19

And he'll tell me

22:21

a story about dad or something

22:23

because he had a significantly

22:25

longer time with him than I did.

22:28

Yeah. It's interesting

22:30

because so, like, I did a

22:32

story about trying to communicate with

22:34

my grandpa a while ago.

22:36

And we had a communication issue

22:38

because he only spoke Mandarin Chinese

22:40

and I speak very,

22:42

very, very, very poor.

22:44

I mean, during Chinese,

22:45

and we just had never had a real conversation.

22:48

And by the got doing the

22:50

interviews, like, I was

22:52

too late. Mhmm. I stopped

22:55

trying essentially, like, I stopped

22:57

recording with him. Mhmm. But, like, you

22:59

kept like, that was your entry

23:01

point for this story. And

23:03

you weren't able to see inside a

23:06

little bit, you know,

23:08

her emotional experience

23:11

of of dementia and

23:13

aging. And I'm wondering,

23:15

does that

23:16

make you what does that make you

23:18

think about aging

23:20

yourself in

23:21

the future? When

23:24

then the

23:25

story came out the first time, I had a

23:28

friend that asked

23:28

me Parker, Are

23:30

you scared of getting dementia? I was like,

23:33

yes. You're the first person. You're the only person

23:35

who has asked

23:35

me that. And

23:37

I get, like, I don't know.

23:39

I get nervous. I get concerned about

23:42

it. But

23:45

I

23:45

think

23:45

the story forced me to

23:47

confront it.

23:50

I just

23:52

watched this documentary

23:54

called The Last Movie Stars, and it was

23:56

about Paul Newman and Joe and Woodward.

23:59

And I

23:59

think in the early nineties, Joanne TV

24:02

movie about a woman

24:05

who had early onset

24:07

Alzheimer's because Joanne

24:10

Woodward's mother also

24:11

had Alzheimer's. And

24:14

now, you know, currently

24:16

in in in twenty twenty two, Joanne

24:18

Woodward has Alzheimer's. And couldn't be a part

24:20

of the

24:21

documentary. But she got

24:24

to make this movie to

24:27

you

24:27

know, empathize and understand and

24:29

also in a way sort of prepare?

24:32

Wow. So having

24:34

this story kind of

24:36

Oh, god.

24:38

What if, like, there's hold on. I had

24:40

the terrible thought of, like, some kind of

24:43

banquet that

24:44

they do, like, a a history of, like,

24:46

my work or something. And they

24:48

show this, and then, like, I'll

24:50

be Don't go that far. Like

24:52

in my hand, don't go that front to the future. Let's see

24:54

here. Don't

24:54

don't don't go that part. We're still in

24:56

twenty twenty two. Oh,

24:59

no.

24:59

It does feel like so much understandably

25:02

comes

25:02

up for you with these recordings.

25:05

And

25:05

you said you still revisit their

25:07

tape. Even conversations that didn't make it into

25:09

the story. And we hear you have some

25:11

of those to play for us today.

25:13

I do. So the first clip is a phone

25:15

call that I had with my dad

25:17

in, like, November

25:19

of twenty seventeen. And I

25:21

had visited him a week before at

25:23

the nursing home that he was at. And this is one of

25:26

the, like, the last few times. He

25:28

was still a fairly coherent

25:30

dad. Where are you

25:31

at? I'm I

25:33

live in New York now.

25:35

Remember, I live in New

25:36

York now. In New

25:38

York, you really? Yeah. And how you

25:41

like it there? It's not

25:43

bad. It's cold. Oh, how

25:45

long are you gonna be there? Well,

25:47

I've been there since July.

25:50

Oh,

25:51

okay. And

25:52

I'll be so I'll be there. I'll be

25:54

here for a while. Oh,

25:55

okay. Remember I worked for a

25:57

radio show. Remember I

25:59

worked for a radio show.

26:01

Oh, you did? Yeah.

26:03

Remember I came oh, I came to visit you last week.

26:05

And I remember

26:06

you telling me that. And

26:08

I played

26:08

I played my story for you.

26:11

Oh,

26:11

that's wonderful. That's

26:15

wonderful. You sound good

26:17

too. Well, thank you,

26:18

dad. I love

26:20

his that's wonderful. Like,

26:22

that is just pure oozing

26:24

with pure parental pride. Yeah.

26:26

I had gotten my first story ever

26:28

on the radio, and so I

26:31

went to visit him to play it for him. But

26:33

I do kind of like

26:35

like even in his

26:37

kind of haze Like,

26:40

he doesn't know what's going on, but he's

26:42

like, my kid's still dead.

26:44

Yeah. Like, went in doubt. I'm proud of

26:46

you and I loved you. There you go. Go

26:48

with the with with the old standards.

26:51

Absolutely. Okay. Let's talk about the second

26:53

clip which you got. So the second clip is

26:55

a phone call that I had with my

26:57

grandmother It was days Christmas, and I

26:59

had to leave home.

27:01

I would seen my family for the

27:03

holidays. And had

27:04

to go back to work back to New York really

27:06

immediately. And so I had to you know, I

27:09

called to let my grandma know that, you know, I'd made

27:11

it back to New York on

27:13

the train safely, and that

27:15

I missed her and all that kind of

27:17

stuff. So this is me and

27:18

her talking. It's

27:20

cold up there. Boy,

27:22

is it? It's cold. You're

27:25

wrapping up good? Yes,

27:27

ma'am.

27:27

What about sleeping?

27:29

That too.

27:31

You got heat

27:34

in the room? Yes. That too. I

27:36

have a I hate I'm

27:38

all good. I'm

27:43

all

27:43

good. That's good.

27:45

Are you okay? Uh-huh. You

27:49

need anything?

27:50

No. I'm

27:53

alright. It

27:54

does have like a song like

27:57

quality, like the old standards between,

27:59

you know, you and

28:01

your grandma of, like, are you

28:04

warm enough? Are you eating enough? Are

28:06

you safe? Yeah. Just a very

28:08

specific type of love. I was just

28:10

talking to one of my friends who's a new

28:12

mom and choose like that as like a mother,

28:14

like your any sort of caretaker who's

28:16

caring for something small. It's like, you're

28:18

doing that to keep them healthy, and it's a

28:20

hard instinct to turn off. Like,

28:22

it it brings her comfort, but it

28:24

also is like a really beautiful demonstration

28:26

of love that someone cares to that detail

28:28

of,

28:28

like, are your socks warm though?

28:31

Yeah. Because at the

28:31

end of the call, she I had a cold, but she

28:33

heard me cough. And she's like, see,

28:35

that's because you're walking on the floor,

28:38

barefoot. So you're killing

28:41

me. Kill me. But,

28:43

you know, she was a Spritely lady

28:45

before, like,

28:46

dementia got really bad.

28:48

So every once in

28:51

a while, you know, just to turn phone call where she's

28:53

like, are

28:53

you wearing socks? Are

28:56

you are you

28:57

warm enough? How are you feeling? Like,

29:00

you guys to be careful how they like,

29:03

like, I really miss that. I

29:05

think

29:05

they say about the loss of, like,

29:07

a

29:07

grandparent or a parent is your

29:10

your your the grief is for

29:12

the loss of the parent. Yes,

29:14

but also for the grief is

29:16

for, like, the No

29:18

one ever is gonna love you. Like

29:20

those people. Mhmm.

29:24

Mhmm. And so, like, I

29:26

remember Christmas, like, like, four years ago

29:28

when I

29:28

started recording Christmas afternoon, I had

29:30

taken a nap on the couch,

29:32

and I looked I was kind of

29:34

asleep. I was awake. I woke up because I

29:37

felt like someone was standing over me.

29:39

And I realized my grandma was putting a

29:41

blanket on me. And

29:42

I'm like, you know, I'm like a

29:44

thirty year old woman. And my grandma put

29:46

a blanket on me, and I just started I

29:48

was getting typed

29:49

in, and I started crying

29:51

to myself, I was like, oh my god. No one is

29:53

ever gonna love me like this old lady.

29:58

So, like, I think

29:59

of those kind of things and having

30:02

these phone

30:03

calls kind

30:06

of help

30:07

soothe that a little bit.

30:09

Well, thank

30:11

you so

30:13

much Parker for that beautiful story

30:15

and for talking to us about it.

30:17

Of course, it's my pleasure. See you

30:19

later, Parker. Half an A code switch.

30:21

Yes. Everyone, please listen to code

30:23

switch. It's so good. New episodes out

30:25

every Wednesday. And listeners, if you

30:27

wanna take a page from Parker and

30:30

record your loved ones this holiday

30:32

season, we have links to tips

30:34

and resources, There's even a whole live

30:36

kit episode about

30:36

how to record family stories, which

30:39

Yoyo

30:39

appear to fix Yoyo. You

30:41

can find those resources on

30:44

our website and in our newsletter, visit MPR

30:46

dot org slash invisibility

30:48

newsletter to subscribe.

30:49

Yes. I've recorded family

30:51

for a

30:51

few stories by now.

30:53

And not to be morbid. You never

30:56

know when it's too late. Seriously,

30:58

do it this holiday season. It's

31:00

as simple as turning on your

31:01

voice recorder your smartphone if you

31:04

got one

31:04

and recording a conversation.

31:07

Yeah. Like, here's how my granny

31:09

somehow always gets

31:10

me to cook for her. The

31:12

ability to come and quote you guys what to wanna do.

31:15

Or you could

31:16

even record your favorite sounds.

31:19

Like,

31:21

This is my mom shuffling aggressively

31:23

with her slippers at home because she doesn't

31:25

believe in wasting time. We

31:27

call it the Shaw shuffle.

31:31

Okay,

31:31

but don't forget to ask for consent. Yes,

31:33

everybody asks for consent. We do not want

31:35

lawyers

31:35

after us. Happy recording.

31:42

Today's show brought back one of our

31:44

favorite episodes, Love and Lapses.

31:46

It was produced by B. A. Parker with help from

31:49

Abby Wendell. It was edited by Hana

31:51

Rosen and Derek John. This

31:53

episode was produced by Ariana

31:55

Garrett Lee, Kiyomiakina tease

31:57

and me with help from Abby Wendell.

31:59

Her supervising

31:59

producer is Liana Symmstrom and our

32:02

supervising editor is Nina Patak.

32:04

Our executive producer is Irene Naguchi.

32:07

This episode was mastered by Josh

32:09

Newold. Our technical director is Andy

32:11

Luther, and our senior vice president of

32:13

programming is Anja Grundman. Theme

32:15

music by Infinity Nines and additional

32:17

music in this episode provided by Jonathan

32:19

Barlow. Lastly, your

32:21

donations make invisible stories possible.

32:24

If

32:24

you're feeling

32:25

generous and you have it to give, we can

32:28

always use your support you

32:30

can go to donate dot MPR dot org slash

32:33

invis. Thank you

32:35

so, so, so, so much.